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Scriptnotes, Episode 586: Against Vagina Monsters, Transcript

March 16, 2023 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2023/against-vagina-monsters).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** This is Episode 586 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Today on the show, we welcome back one of our earliest and most frequent guests, Aline Brosh McKenna, who has just made her feature directing debut.

**Craig:** Woo!

**John:** Hey, Aline.

**Aline Brosh McKenna:** Woo woo woo!

**Craig:** Welcome back, Joan Rivers of Scriptnotes.

**Aline:** I’ve been doing a lot of interviews, so I’ve answered to every kind of name. I got Aline [AY-leen], I got Aline [AH-lin-ee], I got Aline [ah-LEE-nay], I got Borsh. I got McKeena. I’m answering to everything these days.

**John:** If people listened to Scriptnotes, they would know that your name’s Aline.

**Craig:** I do like Aline Borsh. That’s pretty great. I might start calling you that.

**John:** It’s good stuff. We’ve now all directed feature films. It’s great.

**Craig:** Jeez.

**John:** We’re going to talk about feature films and feature filmmaking and all that stuff. We have a bunch of TV stuff to talk through and a zillion listener questions, so we’ll get into it. Aline, I would propose that in our Bonus Segment, you and I could interrogate Craig about this third episode of The Last of Us, which we just watched. We’re recording this a week ahead of time. I also want to dig into Craig’s inexcusable decision not to have Bill and Frank do any jigsaw puzzles during their years in isolation.

**Craig:** Not puzzles.

**John:** They could’ve had jigsaw puzzles, and not once, because-

**Aline:** They would! They would!

**John:** They totally would’ve!

**Craig:** No.

**Aline:** Yes.

**Craig:** No.

**Aline:** He would’ve handmade them.

**John:** Because Bill is methodical, and Frank is artistic.

**Craig:** I will explain to both of you why you’re both absolutely dead wrong.

**Aline:** I want to know what games they were playing.

**Craig:** I will tell you.

**Aline:** I feel like [inaudible 00:01:41] it’s like an old Monopoly set or something, or an old Battleship set.

**Craig:** You’ll find out. You’ll find out.

**John:** Content you can only get as a Premium subscriber.

**Craig:** Yes, totally worth the 4.99.

**John:** A hundred percent. Just for that one answer, yeah.

**Craig:** It is 4.99, right?

**John:** Yeah. For a year, it’s a lot cheaper. Just buy the year.

**Craig:** Guys, do the year.

**John:** Aline, Craig, did you see that Showtime and Paramount Plus are finally combining their thing down to one brand?

**Craig:** They’re Showmount Plus now.

**John:** Showmount Plus now.

**Craig:** That’s weird, because there hasn’t been any other kind of strange consolidation going on. There has been. What I’m excited for is in 12 years we’re all going to be working for HBO Plus Mountflixmazon.

**John:** On Mifflin Penguin Random House.

**Aline:** Isn’t it all going to be Silicon Valley? Aren’t we all going to be working for the tech companies? Why doesn’t Google have content?

**John:** They have YouTube, and that’s their-

**Craig:** They tried.

**John:** They tried.

**Craig:** They tried.

**John:** They had YouTube Originals. They had YouTube Red.

**Aline:** I see.

**Craig:** They do. Do they still do YouTube Red?

**John:** No, I don’t think so.

**Craig:** It’s been folded into other things, because the show I remember from YouTube Red was the new Karate Kid, Cobra Kai, but that’s on Netflix now.

**John:** It’s a Netflix show now. Ed Rosson had a show that was a YouTube Original as well and all that stuff.

**Craig:** Google I guess was just like, “We’re too busy making all of the money in the world in advertising. We don’t need to spent more on content.”

**Aline:** It is interesting though. These companies do have different culture from Hollywood. They really are run differently. I think the three of us came up in a time when it was like, insert name of studio chief. Let’s just say it was Bob. It’d be like, “Oh, Bob hurt his back, but he forgot his back pillow, so you don’t want to ask him today.” Or let’s just say the person’s name was Lisa. It would be like, “Lisa, her husband broke his tooth surfing.”

It used to be so personal. You were so in the zone. Especially this was true when you’re waiting to hear on TV stuff. It would be like, “Oh, the president of the network was supposed to read it, but his daughter accidentally cut bangs, and so he can’t possibly be reading it.” There is something about tech companies, where they don’t say things to you that are egregiously personal like that. There really used to be a sense of there were a bunch of delis. You went in and everyone screamed and grabbed a number. Now it definitely seems much more like Madmen.

**John:** It’s all corporatized.

**Aline:** It’s all behind glass. You’re being very polite. You have to show your ID. Craig has this look of a complete scowl on his face.

**Craig:** No, that’s my resting Jew face. I completely agree with you. I was just thinking how you can never say, “Oh, we can’t go pitch Netflix today because the algorithm’s wife’s husband broke his tooth.” The algorithm has no feelings whatsoever.

**John:** Not a bit.

**Craig:** That’s my agreeing with you face, Aline. Imagine what my not agreeing with you face looks like.

**Aline:** Oh, boy. I think Craig and I decided a long time ago. I use your agreeability index frequently. One is the most agreeable, and 10 is the least, right?

**Craig:** Yes.

**Aline:** I’m in a 6/7 zone. I’m in a 6/7 zone. Where are you?

**Craig:** I like to live in the 8. Disagreeability meaning your willingness to disagree with the general consensus around you.

**John:** Fascinating.

**Craig:** I have high disagreeability. I’m not looking to do it, but I have no problem doing it. Other people are like, “If nine people in this room all agree we’re doing this, I’m going to be like, ‘Yeah, I’ll do that too.’”

**Aline:** Where are you?

**John:** I’m probably more conforming in a lot of ways, but there’s definitely things I will stick out and-

**Craig:** You’re a 5.

**John:** I’m a 5.

**Craig:** You’re right in the middle. Most people probably are.

**Aline:** I think you’re a 4/5. Craig and I, if we’ve ever gone to have to order or pick a restaurant or go someplace with a puzzle group or whatever, Craig and I are definitely the least agreeable, for sure.

**John:** I’ll go anywhere, as long as there’s food I can eat. I don’t eat a lot of stuff.

**Craig:** As long as you can eat food.

**John:** As long as you can eat food. Showtime and Paramount Plus has become Paramount Plus with Showtime, which is I think what we’re already subscribed to, because we get Showtime through our Paramount Plus [crosstalk 00:05:57].

**Craig:** I think I’m subscribing to Showtime and Paramount Plus.

**John:** Maybe save some money.

**Craig:** What happens now? Cancel one of them.

**John:** Let’s segue to HBO and HBO Max, because it was announced this week that Westworld is one of the shows that they’ve taken off the service. They’ve now sold them to different FAST services.

**Craig:** Tell people at home what it is in case they don’t know.

**John:** Free ad-supported television, which we used to call AVOD, but FAST is the new name for it.

**Craig:** We used to call it television. When we were kids, it was television.

**John:** It’s streaming television. It’s on demand. It’s not continuously playing.

**Aline:** It’s like Pluto. Pluto is that, right?

**John:** Pluto is one of those. They sold these specifically to I think Roku and Tubi.

**Aline:** Can I ask you a question?

**John:** Please.

**Aline:** Our residual definitions for cable are pretty good, right? Cable broadcasts are pretty good.

**John:** Cable broadcasts are pretty good. Actually, AVOD/FAST is also pretty good.

**Craig:** It’s okay.

**Aline:** That was my question. Obviously, the aftermarket on streaming is bad, but now the streamers are moving to this thing which seems in every way to me to be cable television. Are our definitions good on those Tubi, Roku, Pluto?

**Craig:** They’re not great. They could stand to be improved.

**John:** They could definitely stand to be improved. Here’s my question though. This is not clear in any of the articles that I’ve seen. Is Warners licensing these shows to these services or is it some sort of partnership?

**Craig:** Licensing. It’s gotta be straight up [crosstalk 00:07:25].

**John:** If it’s straight licensing, then it’s actually not a bad thing, because what they would actually be calculated on is the license fee that Tubi or these places are paying. Yes, it can be hinky, just because it could be a package of shows, and you have to split up the package and the fees.

**Craig:** They already do stuff like that.

**John:** That already happens.

**Craig:** It’ll be complicated, and none of us will understand it. That’s the most important thing for everyone to know.

**John:** We’ll never understand it, ever. Aline, you get to a good point, that it’s a little bit more like what we used to have with residuals when they’d show up on other services. That was at least an income stream. The concern with the stuff that was made directly for streamers is there was no income stream for residuals after three years.

**Aline:** The definition which is rent at home I know is a great one.

**John:** I love that.

**Craig:** That’s the best one.

**Aline:** That’s the best one. It would be great to have something. That’s an on-demand… Anyway, somebody will sort it out, and we will be sorting it out shortly.

**John:** While we’re talking about things being a little bit more like they used to be, have you noticed that some of these streaming orders have gotten larger and larger? Daredevil’s getting an 18-episode season order. Andor was two 12-episode seasons. That feels more like TV.

**Craig:** Yeah. They definitely don’t do it like that at HBO. I know that much. There has been this thing. I have to say I would be surprised if it catches on. It just seems like from a business point of view, it seems a little crazy to just… For instance, Lord of the Rings, they renewed them before it even came out. I don’t know. Wait until one episode airs. That’s what HBO does. They’re like, “Just in case.” It makes sense. Even if you internally renew it.

**John:** You want that press bump.

**Craig:** However that works. I would be surprised if that trend continues, because these shows are expensive to do.

**John:** They are.

**Craig:** All of them.

**Aline:** Also, where do you add your value? Where are they getting the value? If they’re getting value from ads, then they’re going to want to do more episodes. Where are they making their money? The 25-episode season, when you’re doing traditional advertising, that’s a big windfall for them.

**John:** One argument maybe is they’re making more money by reducing churn. If they have 18 episodes of a Daredevil season, and they’re releasing those once per week, you’re going to have to keep your Disney Plus membership up for at least half the year, and that helps.

**Craig:** It’s this weird calculation they have to do, where they go, “Okay, we are going to keep people or make money off of ancillary markets or ad-supported on another tier, the more episodes we have. However, the more episodes we ask our creators to make, theoretically, not always, but theoretically, the quality begins to decrease, because it’s just —

**John:** They can’t make the same kind of show.

**Craig:** No. The more time and energy you put into something, theoretically the better it gets. You have this 8-to-12-episode season model for your prestige. Let’s all show up and buy a subscription because it’s part of the culture. Then you have these other kinds of shows that could be making a terrific amount of money for them, some of which can be excellent. There’s still great stuff on network television. It’s an interesting calculation, and thank god I don’t have to be the one making it, because that would be bad.

**Aline:** Talent is also driving it, because from their point of view, the value they get from having done eight episodes and then being able to do two movies in the year two, in a lot of ways that’s where… They all want to be flexible now. They all want a slightly limited order.

Man, I really have such respect for the days of sitcoms kicking out 120, 150 episodes. We did 62 on Crazy Ex, which is actually, I discovered this week during my Girls rewatch, is the exact same number of episodes as Girls. It was a lot. It felt like a lot. It’s so nothing compared to Raymond, Friends, Office, hundreds of episodes.

Writers are very nimble. They really are. I think writers have done a very good job of… We’re all pivoting as fast as we can to whatever the new model is. I think there are so many opportunities now to go places. I think there’s an upside to finding a spot that can really support your piece and really understands your piece. There was a thing in broadcast where you felt like things were getting less special handling.

I think now there’s more attention being paid to everybody coming together to craft this. You could feel it. You can feel that when they’re making these investments, that yeah, if you’re making 8 or 10, you have a different level of scrutiny from if you have to make 25 of them. I’m assuming that people give you notes at some point or like, “Yeah, this looks good.”

**John:** Also, you literally could not create some of the shows that we’re talking about. You would have an impossible time trying to make 20 episodes of The Last of Us. You would still be shooting The Last of Us. It would be a different show.

**Craig:** Also, it’s just too expensive. That’s the other thing is there are certain shows that people expect to be somewhat cinematic in nature. They go to different places. They’re a spectacle. For a typical network show, like say the kind that our friend Derek does, there’s a fire station. That is a central set you could live on. You can roll 50% of an episode inside this confine. That’s incredibly helpful. Sitcoms, that’s all they were, by and large. It’s way easier to go through those episodes and shoot them. When you’re out there running around like you’re making the way we would make movies, there’s just no way to do 20. That would kill you.

**Aline:** We did bonkers stuff on Crazy Ex. We had episodes with 70 strips. So did Jane the Virgin, so many strips. I remember talking to Jenny about how she shot things in the hallway in her office. We shot things in Michael Hitchcock’s office, in our office. Our finale, there was a scene that took place in Guatemala. Guatemala was our PA’s parking spot. On our schedule, it said “Guatemala, dot dot dot, PA’s parking spot” on our strips. We just did so, so, so many. It was kind of a fun thing to feel like how crafty can you be.

**John:** Definitely.

**Aline:** How can you repurpose things. It was funny. Making it an inexpensive show, relatively inexpensive show, was actually great preparation for making a bigger movie, because I’m so used to cutting for budget, and I’m so used to making a tiara out of tinfoil, that when we were scouting for the movie, people would have to say to me, “Wait a second. Don’t pick anything yet,” because I was so apt to be like, “Oh, this is going to work. This is going to work.” It’s like, “Aline, this is supposed to be the seashore, and this is a conference room.” I was like, “No no no, we can do it. We can do it.”

It was like I had come up doing Summer Stock and then I got to Broadway. That really was Crazy Ex. We worked at the outer edges of our financial capacity just all the time and repurposed things and repurposed sets and two-walls and one-walls.

I’ve done a segue for you, if you’d like to use this as your segue. It was good preparation for doing something where I went from shooting seven pages a day to shooting two pages a day.

**John:** Let’s take that segue, and we’ll jump back to our follow-up in just a second. You came on the show before, talking about this movie. One of the things you did say before was that you had to unlearn some of the habits you had learned in terms of the thinking always about schedule, thinking always about budget, recognizing that there were people whose job it was to do the job you were doing as a showrunner, to make sure that the trains ran on time, and that your job as a director was just to get what you wanted. You really had to focus on the artistic side of it, and not so focused on all the business side of it all. Now that the movie’s done, and it’s going to be out on Netflix for people to see, tell us what day it drops on Netflix.

**Aline:** It drops on February 10th, Friday.

**John:** February 10th.

**Craig:** Why are we all rap artists now? Everything drops.

**John:** Everything has to drop. Everything has to drop.

**Craig:** We used to just put movies out.

**John:** When does it come out?

**Aline:** Craig, I’m dropping it. I’m hoping it blows up.

**Craig:** Exactly. We drop things. I don’t drop anything. I’m not cool enough to drop stuff.

**John:** When do your episodes of your show come out, what time of day?

**Craig:** They come out at 9 p.m. Eastern Time on Sunday evenings.

**John:** Aline, do you know what time of day Your Place or Mine comes out?

**Aline:** I don’t, and I need to find out. You know what? Someone asked me yesterday, and I don’t know. Man, what I love about HBO is it’s so on mama’s schedule, because I’m eating dinner at 6.

**John:** Exactly.

**Aline:** I’m watching my show. Mama’s taking her bath and going to bed. I always love that the HBO stuff is on at 6. It’s a delight. 9 o’clock is too late.

**Craig:** We get that benefit out here on the West Coast. We get to see stuff at 6 p.m. I’m actually now really fascinated by this Netflix thing, because it’s true, they always talk about what day something is going to be. Is it 12:01 a.m.?

**Aline:** I’m going to find out. Should I find out while we’re talking? Let me see if I can find out.

**John:** If you can figure out while we’re talking, we’ll do it and we’ll have an update live in the course of the show.

**Aline:** That’d be a live time… I’m going to ask right now. When things post to Netflix-

**Craig:** You don’t have to do it out loud.

**Aline:** … at what time? Do you know why I do that? Because in the writers’ room when I have to send an email or a text in the writers’ room, I feel like it’s so rude for them just to watch me type, so I often read it out.

**Craig:** You think yelling it at them while you do it is going to…

**Aline:** It’s always the answer. Always the answer.

**John:** Weirdly though, Aline has developed the ability that she could say one thing, type a completely different thing. While she’s basically firing this writer who’s in the room right now, she’s saying the other thing. It’s really an impressive skillset she’s developed over the course of seasons.

**Craig:** I need to learn that.

**Aline:** You can’t see that, but I’m making an eggplant parm right now.

**Craig:** Oh god, I wish that were true. By the way, I’ve made eggplant parm. You know what? It’s a huge pain in the ass.

**John:** It is, because you have to-

**Aline:** The draining and the salting [crosstalk 00:17:54].

**Craig:** The draining and the salting and the dehydrating, but it’s essential. Then when it’s good, it’s good.

**John:** It is good.

**Craig:** It is so annoying.

**Aline:** It is.

**John:** I’ll still take a chicken parm over an eggplant parm any day of the week.

**Aline:** I can’t believe I’ve never told this story on the podcast before, but one day on Crazy Ex, we were sitting around talking about our favorite foods. People were like pizza, doughnuts, ice cream, pasta, whatever. It got to me and I said, “At the end of the day, what I really love is a well-cooked vegetable.” Rachel looked at me and goes, “Don’t say that to people. Don’t do that.”

**Craig:** She’s right.

**Aline:** She goes, “Everyone’s going to hate you. Don’t say that. That’s not a good answer.” She’s like, “Just say butter pecan ice cream.” You know what the truth is? I love a well-cooked vegetable.

**Craig:** Aline, don’t say that to people.

**John:** Let me try to wrestle this conversation back to the making of your film. One of the things I’m curious about is… Up to this point, we’ve talked a little bit about production over previous episodes. You were shooting in LA for New York and other things like that. When it came time to actually promote a movie, you’ve promoted a ton of movies, big movies, and you know what that looks like. How does it look to promote a film that’s going to be debuting on Netflix? Does it feel the same scale? What’s the same and what’s different to you?

**Aline:** I’m in the zone of I can’t compare it to having a big movie come out as a director, because I’ve only been a screenwriter on those. Any whisper of information that I could glean as the screenwriter, I was so… All the information I could get was basically from the director or the producers if I had a good relationship with them, or sometimes the studio person would loop me in. Now I’m so super looped in that sometimes I have this moment of being like, “Oh, you want to know what I think of this spot or this clip or this?” It took me a while to get used to it.

Also, I can’t compare it to other marketing PR departments, but the people at Netflix are incredibly nice. Very, very nice, very on top of it, very helpful, very good communicators, so I have felt looped in at every step. I haven’t had that feeling of disorientation that I always had with movies as a screenwriter where I was always trying to… Like a mutated mushroom, I was always trying to get into people’s brain-

**Craig:** That’s weird.

**Aline:** … and figure out what was going on. Now I know what’s going on, so that’s been really nice.

**John:** One of the things that’s going to be different though about this film is that usually by Friday evening you would know did the film work or did the film not work, did the film do great or did the film tank.

**Craig:** Box office.

**John:** You’d get a read on the box. You’d hear the East Coast box office numbers. You won’t have that. You’ll have the reviews, which will be great. You’ll have Twitter reactions and social media stuff. You won’t really have a sense of how big the cultural-

**Craig:** You get numbers the next day. Netflix numbers are bananas. I don’t know what they’re based on. Honestly, I legitimately don’t. I don’t know how I would even interpret them. For other outlets, there’s a little bit more of a firm, “Okay, Nielsen says this many people watched it. Linearly, this many people watched it on the platform.” Then as the day goes on, or the week goes on rather, they keep telling you as people are watching. As a movie goes, it’s one episode that they will just continually accrue numbers for and keep filling you in on. It’s Netflix, so I fully presume that they’re going to let us know that 14 billion people watched it. That’s what they do.

**Aline:** I think they mostly give you good news. I think where it’s not performing, I don’t think they give it to you. I think I’ll know mostly if it’s working well. Those days of waiting for your movie to come out and looking at the tracking and calling your other friends and saying, “What does this mean?” and looking at the other. It was so stressful calling. The only way that I remember you would get box office is from calling the New Line box office number. That went up at 11:30.

**Craig:** We would call William Morris. They also had a little recording where you would call in on Saturday morning, and an intern was explaining your fate to you. You’re waiting for your movie. It’s like, “In fifth place. In sixth place. In seventh place.” You’re like, “Oh, no.”

**John:** Oh, no, not even there.

**Craig:** “In ninth place, your piece of crap.”

**Aline:** We’ve all had that feeling. We’ve all had that feeling. Somewhere in my saved emails folder, I have an email that Craig sent to me when one of the movies I wrote that bombed bombed. Craig wrote me this beautiful email. I just remember it was like, “Because you are Aline, you’ve written 15 screenplays in the time it’s taken for… ” It was a very comforting pep talk email because it was very public. It felt like you were just waiting to be defenestrated and it was terrifying, those bad box office numbers.

**John:** No matter what, you won’t have those, but you won’t also have the good box office numbers. That’s a point, a thing I would get to is, we’ve had friends who’ve released movies on Netflix. Rawson Thurber has movies on Netflix. They’ll have the big headlines about “the biggest thing ever,” da da da, but it doesn’t carry the same weight as $200 million.

**Craig:** Because they say that every movie does that.

**John:** That’s the problem.

**Craig:** Netflix is a little bit the boy who cried wolf.

**Aline:** We didn’t grow up with these barometers. I remember running into Rawson and he was like, “Red Notice has been seen by everyone who’s eaten waffles within the last year with their right hand, everyone on the planet Earth.” He had metrics that were so intense. I don’t know. It’s going to be a new experience.

Listen, I think the barometer for myself of what success is is a little different. I think we’re all different about that and what reactions bother us, what don’t. It used to bother me if I had a close friend and they didn’t see the thing I wrote. Now I don’t care at all. It used to bother me in the beginning, because it seemed so momentous to have anything come out that I…

I’ve gotten much more, I think, defining the success by the process. You’ve gotta somewhat let the rest of it go, because obviously, we can’t control it, and because it’s like, yeah, we knew what $200 million meant, we knew what $100 million meant, and now these things are…

We have a saying in our house. When we’re trying to figure out if someone’s famous enough for something, Will will say, “Maryann McKenna doesn’t know who that is,” his mom. I think it’s the same thing with success. If I call Maryann McKenna and try to explain to her how many minutes were streamed, they’re not those clear touchdown arms you’re looking for. You never want to do that anyway.

I think like what just happened with Craig’s, the third episode of The Last of Us, which you could feel… I like to think I was quite early to the twits with that.

**Craig:** Twits.

**Aline:** As I’ve been looking around, that episode got a huge reaction. I don’t know what its numbers will be or how they will compare. You can feel that it made an impact on people. I think in a world where we’re not leaving our house as much, we’re not going to the movie theaters, we’re not getting that box office, you have to define success differently.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend was very poorly rated, but people thought about it and wrote about it. I was particularly honored by the number of people that wrote intelligent things about it the day after it aired. That was really, really an honor to go to those recap places and see how much care and effort people had put into it and how well they knew the show. That’s nice, because before the internet, you’d have a movie come out, and if it didn’t do well, it felt like it disappeared.

John Gatins, our friend, has a great expression. When you finish a movie, he always says, “You just wrote someone’s favorite movie,” because among the three of us, we’ve written some stinkers, for sure, but I’m sure we all have-

**Craig:** What?!

**Aline:** … someone who comes up to me and goes, “Hey, that stinker that you made was my favorite movie, and we watch it all the time,” or, “I’ve seen a hundred times.” I think there’s a lot of ways to define success that are different from the cold, hard metrics. That being said, I love the cold, hard metrics. Love them.

**John:** Let’s give one thing to our Scriptnotes listeners. Folks who have listened to this podcast from the beginning and know who you are, what’s one thing when they watch the film they can look for, like, “Ah, that’s the thing Aline told me about that I’m looking for, because she told me on this podcast.”

**Craig:** Add value to our podcast is what we’re saying.

**Aline:** I’m going to preview something for you. I’m trying to think if I have a Craig or a John reference in this. I don’t, because I definitely referenced Mazin in Crazy Ex. There is a line that Tig Notaro says, that she improvised in one of the scenes. We all laughed really hard. I was like, “That’s never going to be in the movie. It’s just too dirty. It’s never going to be in the movie.” Not only is it in the movie, it’s in the trailer. It’s a moment where she says, “I hope you have a good time going to New York. You might meet someone, so you better get waxed.” Reese goes, “Waxed?” Then Tig goes, “Waxed,” and points to her butt. Then Reese says, “Oh, that’s not going to happen.” That was a really funny improv, but I was like, “That’s never going to be in our PG-13 movie,” and it’s there.

**Craig:** It is.

**Aline:** You can thank Miss Tig for it, because that was an improv.

**Craig:** She’s amazing.

**John:** We love it. We have a little bit of follow-up to get to before, so let’s truck through that. Megana, help us out on the cereal mascot movie, because it’s something that Craig and I talked about. Why is there not a Franken Berry, Count Chocula-

**Craig:** Is there one?

**John:** Kind of there is.

**Craig:** Megana.

**John:** Megana, help us out.

**Megana:** Dustin from Atlanta wrote in and said, “The corporate food mascot film Craig pitched in Episode 585 kind of already exists as a horrific bargain bin DVD called Foodfight! The battle between the world’s most beloved brands and the forces of darkness features computer animation so hauntingly cheap that it shocks the conscience to see the celebrities and products who willingly attached their names to the project.”

**John:** Here’s who’s in this.

**Craig:** I just love “shocks the conscience.”

**John:** We have Mrs. Butterworth, Mr. Clean, Chef Boyardee, Charlie the Tuna, Chester Cheetah, the California Raisins, but also Christopher Lloyd, Hilary Duff, Eva Longoria, Charlie Sheen, Ed Asner.

**Aline:** What? What?

**Craig:** It’s all animated though.

**John:** All animated, yeah.

**Craig:** If you can sit there in your underwear and pick up a check for a hundred grand for a day’s work-

**John:** I can’t fault them.

**Craig:** I would. I would be Mr. Clean, no problem.

**Aline:** Wow. You stop at Mad Men before that.

**Craig:** You know what? That doesn’t shock my conscience. I guess he’s saying that the quality of the animation itself. Have you heard about this Christmas animated movie? I gotta find this article that I read. It was an animated movie. It is not just poor animation. It is impossibly poor animation. It actually did air on television.

**John:** Love it.

**Craig:** Once. There’s this whole cult that’s grown up around it. Basically, the people that did it, it was a very poor script, and then they used something like Microsoft slideshows, some off-the-shelf thing for children. I gotta dig this up. That one does in fact shock the conscience.

**John:** Further follow-up about state-sponsored script consultants. We had a person who wrote in to say like, hey, here in the Netherlands or in Europe, they have script consultants who are paid.

**Craig:** By the state.

**John:** By the state, who are editors. Holden wrote in. Megana, what did he say?

**Megana:** Holden said, “In discussing Lorenz from Vienna’s question on Episode 585, it appears all three of you missed a key point that should’ve been made. If a government is funding script consultants, it would be an easy way to control the narrative for various media projects, thus enabling the state to make sure it’s seen in a positive light.”

**Craig:** If we’re talking about generally non-democratic states, theocracies, or whatever you would call Russia, kleptocracy, mobocracy, then absolutely. If you’re talking about Austria or Denmark or France, no. I think the consultants aren’t there to impress upon screenwriters the necessity to valorize France, for instance.

**John:** There’s definitely state funding of films, and sometimes through taxes and other things to do that. Sometimes that’s how you keep a local film market going, make it possible. There’s always going to be a question of political influence there. Yes, it’s good to be mindful of it, but I don’t think it’s the number one thing to be thinking about.

**Craig:** No, I don’t either.

**John:** We have a bunch of listener questions, but more important than any of those…

Craig and **John:** Megana Has a Question.

**Aline:** Megana has a question. Megana has a question.

**Megana:** Oh my god, I love that. Is that what harmony is? I always pretend I know what it is, but I truly have no idea.

**Craig:** Of course you do, Megana. Harmony is simply the blending of voices to create chords, like on a piano.

John and Craig and **Aline:** (singing)

**Megana:** It’s just that there’s multiple, okay. My question is, a few weeks ago we re-aired this 2013 segment where all three of you were talking about the process of finding your voice. Given that Aline has just directed her first feature, I’m curious what’s been your process for figuring out your professional ambitions? Are you guys doing the things you imagined you’d be doing 10 years ago, 20 years ago? How has that changed, and why?

**Craig:** Megana does have a question.

**Aline:** That’s a great question.

**Craig:** That’s heavy.

**John:** That’s a good question. Craig, I want to start with you, because go back 10 years to the start of the podcast, you did not seem to have an ambition of doing television. Television was not interesting to you. That’s been a professional change. What other ambitions have changed?

**Craig:** I don’t know if I’ve ever had really specific ambitions. I’ve always wanted to make stuff that people saw. I’ve been making stuff that people have seen for a long time, but I think probably what changed maybe about 10 years ago, ish, was a desire to make things that I would want to see, more than just things that other people would want to see. That’s definitely had a pretty fundamental impact on how I do things.

**John:** I would say I’ve always had the ambition of doing one of everything. If I see somebody else doing a thing, like, “I want to do that. People are having a podcast? I want to have a podcast.” I’ve always wanted to do those things. I think one of the things I recognize about that ambition is that sometimes you don’t get to the second one of those things for quite a long time.

I directed a movie, and it was a really good experience. I had opportunities to direct movies, and instead, I did a Broadway show, and now as I need to go back to actually direct another movie, it’s just been a long time. It took longer than it probably should’ve to get back to there. I don’t know that my professional ambitions have changed that much. I’ve always wanted to play in all the sandboxes, and that’s what I’ve been going for.

**Craig:** What about you, Aline?

**Aline:** I think for me it’s actually more of a personal ambition than a professional ambition, if that makes any sense. In connection to that voice episode, I came into the business feeling like I have a way of expressing myself that seems to make people laugh or be interesting. That’s really what I have.

Then just fighting to be heard and express myself in the way I wanted to, you have to sell things. You have to attach a director. You have to listen to the director. You are a screenwriter, so you are not the prime mover. As you guys know, I’m an opinionated gal, and I like things a certain way. I’m glad I learned these skills.

There was a way of being political that was very important as a screenwriter and as a woman, frankly, to learn how to speak other languages that could get you where you needed to go. One thing that has changed really since I became a showrunner was I felt like I could express myself as an artist comedically or as a writer, but also just be more me.

I’ve inherited from my mom a bit of a sense of I’m a magpie. I just pick up shiny objects and like to wear them. I have very few neutral items in my closet. I have a lot of colorful patterns and things that are fun.

**Craig:** Same.

**Aline:** Just like Craig, which is something that I’ve always always… Our big point of connection. On set, I started wearing the things that I enjoy, that make me happy. Actually, on the movie, it got to be a fun thing. We would talk about our clothes and what we were wearing or play music.

I think as a screenwriter, there’s a certain seemliness. There’s a certain lieutenant-ness that you built into your personality. You’re very diplomatic, especially if you’ve ever done a production rewrite. You’re the diplomat. You’re the person who’s bridging gaps. Not that I don’t still do that, but I feel that I’m able to do the things I want to do in a way that is the most me and not feel as inhibited. It also goes back to having immigrant parents and hairy arms and the things about growing up. I feel like I’m able to express myself better now.

There is a line in Your Place or Mine where Reese says, “As my drunk mother once said,” and there is no reference to her having a drunk mother anywhere in the movie. There’s no reference to her mother having alcoholism. It’s not part of her backstory. I just flew in the line, “As my drunk mother once said,” because it made me laugh, because it feels very true to life. It is something that you would learn about something through a blurt.

I think as a screenwriter, I would’ve pitched that to a director, and they would’ve been like, “That’s not in there. There’s no precedent for that. It doesn’t, strictly speaking, make sense.” It doesn’t. It makes me laugh. It made Reese laugh. It’s in the movie.

That ability to just say to people, “Hey, trust me, this resonates with me. I think it might resonate with other people because it resonates with me and I think this is funny and I think this is interesting,” and learning to really be that person, whether it’s being a showrunner or a director or frankly just a screenwriter when I still do that has been a journey for me to be my full self at work.

**Megana:** Thank you.

**John:** Let’s let Craig be his full self as you tackle this next question, because this one is so tailor made for Craig to answer.

**Megana:** Carl asks, “I’m a mid-level TV writer at the cusp of becoming upper level. I’ve made the decision to part ways with my agents. I’ve been with them for seven years. Although I like them, I think we’ve mutually lost that loving feeling. Correspondence is minimal. Phone conversations are quick and impersonal, even when they’re congratulating me on a new staffing gig. Anyhow, I’m fortunate to have been consistently working throughout my TV writing career. Now that I’m finding jobs on my own, I think it’s time to move on. I’m currently on a show, so I feel like the time to strike is now. My questions are, what’s the healthiest way to let go of my agents and do I fire my agents first, then find another one, or is it the other way around?”

**Aline:** These are my favorite Craig questions. My favorite.

**Craig:** I do enjoy these.

**Aline:** In fact, somebody was once having an issue with their agent, and I almost got you on speakerphone with them, because Craig’s agent advice is my favorite. Hit it.

**Craig:** Always fire your agent. You definitely are in the perfect zone for agent firing. You want to fire them. They have lost the loving feeling. You’re working. That means that it shouldn’t be a massive problem to find another representative, especially if you’re working steadily. I assume that you have another representative in your life, whether it is a manager or more likely an attorney. Pretty much all of us have an attorney. You want to talk to that attorney first.

My experience, full disclosure, I haven’t fired an agent in 15 years. I don’t always practice. I like my agents. What can I say?

I think the honorable way of going about things is you fire them first, and then your attorney lets the other places know, “So-and-so is available.” Then you look around and see who wants to meet. You have those discussions, and then you pick somebody. You may say, “What if nobody wants to be my agent?” I don’t really think that’s going to be a problem. It doesn’t sound like that would be a problem.

More to the point, they all talk. You may not even get a word out. You pick up the phone to call. Let’s say you’re at CAA. You pick up the phone to call somebody at Gersh. Before anyone answers the phone at Gersh, CAA will know. I don’t know how they… They’re fungus. They have threads underground, and they just know. My recommendation would be to talk to your lawyer, and then yes, you would want to normally let the first agent go and then start looking for a second.

**John:** Aline, same advice for you?

**Aline:** Yeah, that sounds all right to me. I’ll tell you where my brain went. I wanted to thank Craig publicly for making monsters that don’t look like vaginas, because every movie-

**Craig:** You weren’t listening.

**Aline:** When they finally unveil the monster, it looks like a big, slimy vagina. The monsters that you created in your show are so interesting looking to me. When you had that closeup of the guy from the side, I haven’t seen that exact shape of monster. I enjoy that. It always felt like in these movies, TV shows, you get to the monster, and it’s just a big, slimy mucus membrane with a big aperture. Thank you. That has nothing to do with the question.

**Craig:** You’re welcome. No, it doesn’t.

**John:** Actually, here’s how I think we tie this back in. I think you call up your current agents and start talking about how much you enjoy the monster design. As you get into these little bits, “Really, the reason I was calling is I don’t think this is actually the right setup. I don’t think this is actually working write. I’m going to be starting to look for other representation.”

**Craig:** You’re fired, but how about those clickers? Thank you, Aline. I have to give credit where credit is due. All of the amazing people at Naughty Dog, the company that made the video game, they are really responsible for… We have adapted it so that it can be done and be convincing in live action, but all inspiration was taken from them and their total, and I mean total, lack of vagina monsters. You will not see a single vagina monster.

**Aline:** You know what I’m talking about. You know exactly what I’m talking about.

**Craig:** Oh yeah. There’s this thing that happens somewhere along the line. I don’t know where it started, but in my mind I want to say Predator all the way back in the ’80s-

**John:** That feels right.

**Craig:** … where alien or monster mouths have split mandibles, so when they open, the whole mouth becomes basically this large, slimy orifice. It just keeps sounding like Stranger Things. The monster in Stranger Things, it does the same thing. The mouth opens and becomes four pieces.

**John:** Petals out, yeah.

**Craig:** Everybody loves the four-piece mouth. Our people are not monsters. Our people are sick.

**Aline:** They put something tonsilly at the top, which looks rather clitoral to me. I’m sorry, I’ve derailed the show.

**Craig:** Or you’ve finally put us on track, that after all this time, we finally have found what we’re… Listen. As everybody knows, I am an expert in female reproductive health. I’m, again, not licensed. I have not gone to medical school, and nonetheless.

**John:** I think we need to find a question that can really apply your female reproductive health to our listenership. Megana, do you have a question cued up that relates to female reproductive health?

**Megana:** Nat in LA asks, “My writing partner and I are repped by our first agent together and are approaching our first staffing season. I’m also pregnant with my first child. At what point do I communicate my pregnancy with our agent? We love our agent, trust them, but I worry that my pregnancy could come in between me and my writing partner’s career, either preventing us from getting work or making our first job complicated with a summer due date. I’d like to think my pregnancy won’t prevent us from getting a spot in a writers’ room. If worse comes to worst, my writing partner could represent us when I need to give birth, rest, etc, but I also know that pregnant women scare even the best of employers.”

**Craig:** That is a question about female reproductive health. If you trust your agent, I think it’s essential for you to tell your agent, because your agent is only, what, maximum three months away from finding out? They’re going to see you. Eventually, you will start showing. It will become clear. This isn’t something where you will want them to be shocked. I think part of an agent’s job is to handle that for you and advise you.

You’re absolutely right that people have been, I’m going to call it problematic, fully problematic about pregnant women in the workplace. It is against the law for them to discriminate against you for being pregnant. It is your right to be pregnant and not to have recriminations or exclusions. Your agent and your attorney will be the best advocates for you, so I would bring them in on this one as soon as possible. That’s my instinct.

**John:** I’m going to do a counterpoint, and we’ll let Aline be the deciding vote.

**Craig:** Great.

**John:** I don’t think you say anything. I don’t think you say anything until you are at a point in your pregnancy where it’s just going to be so obvious that you actually have to communicate it-

**Craig:** Interesting.

**John:** … because you do not know what opportunities you’re going to be missing, because it’s out there or because the agent feels like, “Oh, maybe I shouldn’t put that writing team on that list, because I know this is a thing that’s coming up,” or this thing could be shooting overseas or whatever. I don’t think you say anything. I think you’re only asking for trouble revealing something that doesn’t need to be revealed.

**Craig:** Tiebreaker.

**John:** Tiebreaker. Aline, help us out here.

**Aline:** I’m tending more towards John just in terms of it’s not really anybody’s business. There definitely can be repercussions. Whether they’re conscious or unconscious biases, there are going to be people who are going to be thinking, “Are they going to want to sit here? Are they going to then nurse?”

This is one of the hardest things for women to negotiate, because at the point where you’re in your reproductive years, you’re probably also in the building of your career years. If you’re very well established, things work around you. In your early 30s, you’re probably still…

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling your agent when you’re six or seven months, and it’s going to be very obvious to anyone that you go in to meet. You don’t want the agent to have heard about it from the person that you’ve met with for the first time.

I think at the point where you’re actually being sent up for jobs, you can say, “Hey, you know what? I’m due in May.” Then I think partly if you want to make it a non-issue, you have to act like it’s a non-issue. I really wish there was some guarantee that people are not going to be heinous about it.

The only thing I will say is that one upside to letting people know, letting bosses know, is that their reaction will be telling about what kind of experience you’ll have on that show. On our show, a lot of people got pregnant. We had people nursing in the room and pumping in the room. We had a little room that they could go into to pump or rock the baby. I know Jenji’s room was like that. It’s not industry-wide. If you are being hired by someone who seems like they’re going to be a big asshole about it and won’t hire you, you’re probably saving yourself from a crappy room.

**Craig:** Just to be clear, this question is about whether you tell your agent, not about whether you tell an employer.

**John:** I think you have to assume that if you tell your agent, it could get out there. What happens if that person does know? Did the agent tell them? Then you’re maybe losing a little trust in your agent.

**Craig:** I hear what you’re saying. Nobody wants to be the first person that gets mowed down on this thing or the 9,000th person that gets mowed down. We do need to change the culture somehow.

**John:** Absolutely.

**Aline:** Listen. You go to your agent. You say, “Yeah, I’d like to staff.” Then they come back and go, “Craig, August wants to staff you.” You go, “Oh, great. By the way, I’m pregnant. I’m due in May. Anyway, when’s my meeting?”

**Craig:** That’s my point is that that seems like you’ve disrupted your relationship with your agent, because now you’ve put your agent in a weird spot.

**Aline:** Your agent doesn’t need to know when they’re putting you up for jobs whether you’re pregnant or not. You can just tell them before you get an interview.

**Craig:** It sounds like the person asking the question is concerned about it. That’s what I’m coming from. She seems very concerned about it. Somebody needs to counsel her on this, other than us on a podcast. We don’t know her. We don’t know what level she is in her job. We don’t know how frequently they work. She’s saying she loves her agent. We don’t know who that agent is or anything like that. Ultimately, I guess what it comes down to is no matter what advice we can give, she’s going to have to follow her instincts on this.

**John:** I think instincts are important.

**Aline:** I would say when it feels pertinent. If you’re sitting in your house not working, your agent doesn’t need to know what’s going on in your uterus. If you are actually up for something, if you get a big movie job, and they’re going to want you to go somewhere, you go, “Great. Singapore, that’ll work. I’m going to give birth, and then I just need two months.” I just think it’s better to talk about it when it’s in the context of something that actually needs to be administered.

I have always had very close relationships to my agents, and most of them have been women. I would’ve erred on the side of like, “Hey, I’m pregnant. Let’s put our heads together and figure this out.”

There is no one right way to do it, especially because, as Craig said, culturally we’re still very bad. This is one of the things on which we are the worst. This bias is so deep. It’s not just our business. It’s really, really tough for women to be looking for jobs when they are pregnant or have newborns. People just have these preconceptions.

I just will say from my perspective, having worked with so many pregnant and nursing mothers, they were very devoted to their work, great workers, figured it out, made it work. Men too. There’s a lot of really devoted parents who want to go and hang out with their kid. We need to change the language around that too, because if a man’s having a baby, he’s not paying that same price, but then we also don’t give them the same opportunity to go and be parents.

**Craig:** We get nothing.

**John:** We get parental leave.

**Craig:** Yeah, now we do.

**John:** That was only in the last contract we got parental leave.

**Craig:** Yeah, the last contract. When my kids were born, there was no like, oh, you get to… Nobody cared.

**John:** Aline, as a person who’s staffed shows before, the fact that Nat would be coming in here with a writing partner, does that change your thinking about it at all? Does that maybe feel like, oh, at least I’ll have one of those people in the room? That’s my first question for you.

Second question is, now so much more is being done on Zoom, and so even if she were home, she could still be participating, or if she’s on bedrest she could still be participating. Do you think that makes it easier for her to be landing this job?

**Aline:** Yeah, the partner thing does make it easier, because people will perceive that you won’t go to zero. Working from home is still a thing. God, it’s really hard to work from home when the baby’s there. I got an office when my son was 18 months old, because it was just so hard to do it with him. It was actually easier for all of us if I wasn’t there physically. These are really personal choices.

We just are not a country that’s very good at laying out the most family-forward way to do this. You’re relying on individual bosses. It’s one of the things about Hollywood that’s still a little weird. We’re all in these individual fiefdoms with individual bosses. Again, when you meet with folks, try and make sure… If this is somebody who’s really anti-family in general, those can be really nightmare jobs.

**John:** Lastly, I’ll point listeners to, if you have more questions about pregnancy and working, Liz Hannah’s episode where she comes on and she talks about… She got pregnant while she was making her show and basically kept it from everybody and wore baggy clothes all the way through production, because she knew it was going to be a real problem. Basically, she did not want to be the showrunner, director who everybody was so obsessed about your pregnancy. Those are factors too.

**Craig:** No question. If your instinct is to do that, you should do it. Like Aline says, it’s your uterus, it’s your body and situation. If you trust somebody in your inner circle to bring them in and basically say, okay, just like my partner and I, if she has a partner at home, we know that I’m pregnant. You can bring a trusted partner in and say, “Now you know I’m pregnant, and let’s make that part of our internal planning before we go and do anything.”

**Aline:** “Can you find me someone that we know is not an asshole about these things, has regular hours, might be accommodating, has kids themselves?”

**Craig:** Exactly.

**Aline:** I’m sure you guys have talked about it on the show. The showrunners with bad personal lives are brutal to work for. Brutal.

**John:** It’s come time for our One Cool Things. My One Cool Thing is a game I just played this last weekend called Salem 1692. It is a good game that Craig will enjoy because it’s like Werewolf or Mafia. There’s a social deception or a social deduction game.

**Craig:** I do like that.

**John:** You are, as you might guess, either a witch or not a witch in Salem, Massachusetts. You’re trying to figure out who the other witches are. We played with seven people, which felt like the right number of people. It’s a card game. You have these alibis in front of you. You make accusations against people. It moves pretty quickly, which is a nice thing.

There’s an app on your phone that can do the moderator, do the Craig role in terms of telling people what to do. Ultimately, we found that once a person was dead, they should take over, and a human person should do it, but it’s a good way to get started. The box it comes in is gorgeous. It’s a fun, good game for any group of people that you’d want to play a board game with.

**Aline:** Invite me over, August. Come on.

**John:** Next game, you’re over here.

**Craig:** What about you, Aline?

**Aline:** I have a very short one, but I’ll add if you like that sort of thing, Mafia, The Traitor on Peacock, delightful.

**John:** I’m so excited to see The Traitor. Alan Cumming’s hosting it.

**Aline:** Oh my god. If you like that sort of game, you’ll like it.

**Craig:** I saw images of this thing.

**Aline:** I watched it. I got real bingey on it. I watched it in two days.

**Craig:** The thing about reality programs that I often get caught up on, weirdly, and that knocks me away from them, is the music. It’s like there’s one computer making the overly dramatic music for all of them. I just keep waiting for one of them to be like, “We’re going to go with jazz. Let’s just see what happens.”

**Aline:** This one is loosely set on Alan Cumming’s Scottish Highland castle. They do a lot of music which is riffs on that. It’s fun. It knows it’s silly. He knows it’s silly. He’s wearing fantastic outfits. It’s really pretty delightfully done. My thing is, as we all are trying to drink more water, and obviously, all of us growing up, we never drank a single glass of water, pretty much ever.

**John:** Never drank water.

**Aline:** Maybe a Dixie cup.

**Craig:** Water’s disgusting.

**Aline:** Dixie cup here and there. Here I am with my… I’ve discovered these Nuun. It’s a product. They look like Sweetarts. You put them in water, and they make it lightly carbonated. They have very few calories. They have electrolytes in it, whatever that is.

**Craig:** Thank god.

**Aline:** It tastes good, makes me drink a lot more water. I was getting a lot of La Croix guilt, because there’s just so many cans with the La Croix. It felt so wasteful. These little Nuun tablets-

**Craig:** How do you spell Nuun? How do you spell it?

**Aline:** N-U-U-N, Nuun. N-U-U-N, I think it is. Yeah, Nuun.

**John:** Mike has those too. They’re good.

**Aline:** They’re good.

**Craig:** Nuun.

**Aline:** There’s a variety of flavors. Six bucks and you get 10 or 12 drinks for that. When you don’t feel like drinking water because it doesn’t have any flavor, this feels like a little treat. It’s a little sweet. It’s not aspartame or sorbitol either. I don’t like fake sugar very much. It’s just a little splash of hydration and electrolytes.

**Craig:** Little zhuzh.

**John:** The three of us talked. I think we were backstage before the last live show. I’m trying not to drink on weekdays, because as I get older, it’s harder to recover from it. I’m always looking for something else to drink instead of a cocktail or instead of a glass of wine.

**Aline:** I have this theory now that I think we’re going to look back on drinking the way we look at smoking.

**John:** Maybe.

**Craig:** I won’t.

**John:** It was delightful. Do you have time to think of a One Cool Thing?

**Craig:** I think we got two great-

**John:** We had two good ones there.

**Craig:** We got two terrific cool things. I’ll be back next week with a great cool thing.

**Aline:** You’re a sufficer. You know that.

**Craig:** On this topic, I am an absolute sufficer.

**Aline:** What’s the opposite of a sufficer? Optimizer. Optimizer.

**Craig:** Optimizer.

**John:** Optimizer.

**Craig:** On this one, I’m [crosstalk 00:56:14].

**Aline:** Craig is, in this instance, a relatively disagreeable sufficer. I love it.

**Craig:** Correct.

**John:** Love it.

**Aline:** Sounds like we’re done, but John, and you don’t have to broadcast this-

**Craig:** We’re done.

**Aline:** … but two people told me that you’re working on something so huge that it cannot be discussed.

**Craig:** Oh my god.

**Aline:** Then someone else told me that they read a pilot that you recently read, and it was maybe the best television pilot they’ve ever read.

**Craig:** Wait, that he’s recently written or read?

**Aline:** Written. Sorry, written. Sorry.

**Craig:** I was like, why is that a compliment to him? Somebody said you read something that was amazing.

**Aline:** Somebody said that you’re working on something so huge it cannot be discussed and that they recently read a TV pilot that you wrote and it was one of the best TV pilots they’d ever read.

**Craig:** Is it true?

**John:** It’s true I wrote a TV pilot. I think it’s really, really good.

**Craig:** I’m excited.

**John:** I don’t want to jinx anything by revealing it. I’m specifically keeping it a secret from friends, because I think it would be really exciting just for it to come out.

**Craig:** Love that. Boom.

**Aline:** I’m hearing rumblings, and I wanted to pass that along to you, because-

**John:** Thank you. I love that.

**Aline:** There’s bullshit rumors. There’s bullshit when people say to your face, “Oh, I think this is going to do great.” You’re like, “Shh.” When you start to hear these things where people are abuzz… They were like, “Do you know anything about it?” It’s huge and stuff. Whatever it is, I’m excited about it.

**Craig:** That’s exciting.

**John:** I’m keeping a lid on some stuff.

**Craig:** Keep a lid on it.

**John:** Keep a lid on it.

**Aline:** Woo!

**John:** It could make it difficult to make Scriptnotes, but we’ll make it work.

**Craig:** Or we just let Aline do it.

**John:** Aline and Megana take over the whole show.

**Aline:** That’s it. We’re ready.

**Craig:** [crosstalk 00:57:53].

**Aline:** The John August hive is going to…

**Craig:** The hive will take over.

**John:** That’s our show for this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Megana Rao.

**Craig:** What?

**John:** Edited by Matthew Chilelli. Our outro this week is by Nico Mansy. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions. On Instagram and elsewhere, where should we find you, Aline?

**Aline:** I am still on Twitter, alinebmckenna. I am on Instagram, abmck. My company had an Instagram, Lean Machine. I’m sickeningly online probably for the next two weeks. I have encouraged people who don’t want to hear about this movie to unfollow me. My Instagram is just littered with Your Place or Mine promo. I’m very sorry if you are a personal friend of longstanding. You are definitely looking at your spouse and being like, “What the eff is wrong with her?” I got a movie coming out. I’m trying to do something.

**John:** You were emailing while we are talking to the people in charge. Do we know what time is it coming out?

**Aline:** 12 a.m. 12 a.m., so basically Thursday night.

**Craig:** It’s right there.

**Aline:** 12 a.m. EST.

**John:** February 4th.

**Aline:** February 9th technically. February 9th technically.

**John:** February 9th.

**Aline:** February 10th, but now I’ve just found out midnight February 9th. You guys are going to stay up until midnight, aren’t you?

**John:** Stay up late on February 9th so you can watch it.

**Craig:** Just so people don’t get confused, let’s say 12:01 a.m. February 10th. I think that’s going to-

**Aline:** Correct. Correct.

**Craig:** Otherwise, everyone’s going to get so confused.

**John:** I want Netflix’s numbers to show at 12:01 suddenly a bunch of people. That twas the Scriptnotes factor.

**Craig:** The Scriptnotes factor.

**Aline:** I will tell you that the other day I was talking to one of our old-school friends, and he was saying, “I’m just really thinking about what works on different platforms.” Then there was a pause, and I was like, “Did you ever think we would say a sentence like that?”

**Craig:** What works on different platforms.

**Aline:** Trying to figure out what works on different platforms.

**Craig:** Super Mario, it’s a platformer. Donkey Kong.

**John:** When’s it going to drop on streaming.

**Craig:** When’s it going to drop. That just sounds urological, doesn’t it?

**John:** You can find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s also where you’ll find the transcripts and sign up for our weeklyish newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. We have T-shirts and they’re great. I think you’ll find them at Cotton Bureau. They’re basically all I wear.

**Craig:** That’s all I wear.

**John:** Hoodies also, so comfortable. Aline, do you have a hoodie? Do you have a Scriptnotes hoodie?

**Aline:** Sorry, I have very, very old Scriptnotes apparel. I have vintage Scriptnotes apparel.

**Craig:** What is happening over there?

**John:** Why’d you move your microphone?

**Craig:** Legitimately, what are you doing?

**Aline:** I put it to the side.

**John:** We still have a Bonus Segment to record. We still have a Bonus Segment to record.

**Aline:** Oh yeah. Oh, sorry. We have a Bonus Segment. Sorry. Sorry sorry sorry. I don’t have any current… We’ve taken a little break on this, but Megana and I are going to work on some female… You know what I think, Megana? Also a set. A workout, seamless sports bra and leggings set. Wouldn’t that be great? Like something you get from Outdoor Voices or Girlfriend Collective with Scriptnotes on it.

**John:** No idea.

**Craig:** Girlfriend Collective.

**Megana:** It’s going to drop soon. Look out.

**Craig:** It’s going to drop.

**Aline:** Like a Nikibiki vibe. If anybody knows what Nikibiki vibe… It’s a Nikibiki vibe.

**Craig:** I’m obsessed.

**John:** You can sign up to become a Premium Member at scriptnotes.net, where you get all the back-episodes and Bonus Segments. Matthew, god bless you. You’re going to have so much work on this episode. I apologize. Aline, thank you so much and congratulations on your movie.

**Craig:** Thank you, Aline. Congrats.

**Aline:** Woo!

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** We’re here for the Bonus Segment, and now we get to talk about Episode 3 of The Last of Us. Episode 4 will have already come out by the time this one’s dropped, so who knows?

**Craig:** Dropped.

**John:** Dropped. We’ve gotta say dropped as much as possible.

**Craig:** Everything keeps dropping.

**John:** What games would Bill and Frank have been playing? What activities would they have been doing, other than sex? They certainly don’t have puzzles. They totally could have had puzzles.

**Craig:** Neither one of them are interested in jigsaw puzzles, because jigsaw puzzles aren’t puzzles.

**Aline:** Wrong.

**Craig:** I am correct. Here’s what I think happens. My dad had this setup in our basement of a World War II reenactment on maps with little pieces and things. He was solo playing this war scenario game. I think Bill would absolutely be doing that. When Frank shows up, Frank is like, “No no no, I don’t want to do that. Let’s start with some simple things like Charades.” I think that they would’ve absolutely played Charades. I think it’s a fun thing to do. It doesn’t take up any resources.

**John:** Playing Charades just with each other, I guess.

**Aline:** How do you play Charades with two people?

**Craig:** You write a bunch of things down. Frank is only doing the charading. Bill only guesses. Bill doesn’t act. Bill doesn’t perform. It’s really just can Bill guess these things. I think they’ve done something like that. I think they might play cards. I don’t think they’re big on board games per se. That’s not how they connected. Neither one of them does crossword puzzles, which is a huge shame. Terrible shame.

**John:** Of the two of them, Bill would be more likely to do crossword puzzles.

**Aline:** You don’t think there’s an old Scrabble set knocking around there that they’re playing with?

**Craig:** They may have tried a couple of times.

**John:** Bill’s mom has Scrabble.

**Aline:** Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots?

**Craig:** No. You know what? There probably would be this old, musty Parcheesi that perhaps they pull out every now and again.

**John:** Yeah, because he would’ve also had his childhood games, because that’s apparently the house he grew up in.

**Craig:** It is the house he grew up in. He’s so into his survivalist stuff. Games are frivolous and will distract you from your goal, which is of course to defeat the forces of Armageddon.

**John:** Indeed. I want to talk to you about the filming of the episode, because I was curious, how many days did that episode take? There’s a lot happening. Aline measured how many strips were in an episode. The number of strips, number of setups and scenes in that were so vast. A lot happens.

**Craig:** Not as vast as some of our other episodes. I think that one was pretty on target for what our… Generally, our episodes were between 18 and 22 days of shooting. That one was probably around 19 or 20, I’m guessing.

**John:** What we’re seeing for the house-

**Aline:** Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

**John:** Eighteen to 20, that’s a lot of days.

**Aline:** Eighteen to 20 per episode?

**Craig:** That’s right.

**John:** Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, you had all that time.

**Aline:** We had seven.

**Craig:** You were half-hours, in fair. You were half-hour.

**John:** They were not a half-hour show. They were an hour show.

**Craig:** You were an hour.

**Aline:** They were an hour show, 44 minutes, 42 minutes.

**Craig:** Forty-four minutes, okay. This was 72 or 73 minutes.

**John:** It was lengthy.

**Aline:** It was a whole ass movie. That’s why I tweeted what I did. John, you were wanting to ask something, because what I wanted to say about the episode is, have you guys done testing with dials? You’ve done testing with dials, right, [crosstalk 01:05:10]?

**John:** I’ve done dials, yeah, for a pilot.

**Craig:** I’ve never done it. I’ve heard about it.

**Aline:** I’ve done it. People really tend to… They’ll crank it. You’ll see somebody crank it. If you have dials in our house when Will and I watch something… Man, we are PB and J. I love the setup. I love the first 10 minutes of every action movie. Epilogues are my favorite. In every action movie or genre piece, there’s always the rest, where they make a campfire, whatever. I love those purely human, non-genre things.

The first two episodes are much more propulsive in genre stuff, which I do enjoy, but I am the one who’s always waiting for those human moments, because that’s what my work is. That’s what I love the most. This for me started with some genre stuff. I’m enjoying it. I love it. Literally, that episode to me is like a jar of honey-laced… I’m just rejecting drugs. It’s just like a big box of sprinkles, and I’m going to eat them all, because that is exactly what I love, which is watching human behavior in extreme.

**Craig:** I’m glad you liked it.

**Aline:** It is the best piece of anything I’ve seen about what it felt like to live through a pandemic, which is like, there’s just us here, these little decisions, I’m rotating the plate in a certain way, and that means something, and just all the human, human moments.

For me, it was very moving, because I’ve been married for 25 years, so pandemic or not. We’re empty-nesters now. It’s just two old people in a house, puttering around and saying, “Do you want the spring beans or do you want the green beans or the asparagus?” I really related to that.

Knowing that Craig’s been married a long time and how much he loves his family and the sweet, emotional, human, but also very concise way in which Craig is a sweetheart. I really do have to find this email that Craig sent me when my movie bombed. There’s just a particular way in which Craig is kind, and it’s very un-flowery. It’s very concise and simple.

The thing is, if the writing is too emotional, I won’t cry. There was so much space left for me to cry. I don’t cry very often in TV shows. The characters I love so much, but there’s just a particular kind of humanity that I find in Craig’s work that is this simple… Also, two more things. It’s funny. I really hate when these more masculine genres… No one’s funny. No one’s farting. No one’s giggling. No one’s barking a shin. It’s like, guys, that’s not what life is.

Then the other thing is, my god, every heavy genre thing is shot like Fincher. All these people owe Fincher money. It’s like that blue, brown, gray, milky. I love the way this show is shot with, when there’s bright sunlight, there’s bright sunlight. There’s vegetation everywhere. It doesn’t have an onerous stylistic overload, which I feel like a lot of these pieces really have. There’s something that feels almost very totalitarian. You’re trying to do a dystopia, but you’re dystoping me. This one is like, no, this is what the world is like, and there’s still sunshine, and there’s still strawberries, and there’s still wine to be poured.

When I love something, I really… Will will tell you. I was so excited about it because of all those things, but it really, really made me cry.

**Craig:** That’s very sweet. I’m very glad.

**John:** I have an actual question for you. What has impressed me most about-

**Craig:** That was outrageous, wasn’t it?

**John:** Sorry.

**Craig:** That was the most dismissive thing I’ve ever heard in my life. “I have an actual question.”

**John:** In addition to a phrase, I have a question. One of the things I enjoyed most about the episode was that we went through this long thing with Bill and Frank. It was gorgeously done and detailed and precise, but the fact that actually it had a purpose to pay off into the Ellie storyline. At what point did you know that was going to happen? From the initial conception, that was always going to be there?

**Craig:** Had to be.

**John:** Had to be. What did change though over the course of the writing, because one of the things you talked about on the podcast is sometimes you’d get really smart notes from people. Were there any things that you got notes on for the first draft to this last draft that things grew and changed and improved?

**Craig:** In all honesty, this largely was there in the first draft.

**John:** From the start.

**Craig:** There were changes that I made primarily for some practical considerations. Basically, that was what I wrote.

**John:** Great.

**Craig:** It was just sort of there.

**John:** It’s lovely when that happens. I’ve had a couple of movies where it’s happened, and other times there have been discoveries along the way. I was curious whether there was something that was a development, like someone’s like, “Oh, but what if… “

**Craig:** I have to tip my hat to HBO. They read it and they were like, “We love this.”

**John:** Great.

**Craig:** “Here are a couple of little things.” As we go, like I said, for budgetary purposes or location purposes or whatever, you have to change some things here or there, but it’s pretty much whatever.

**Aline:** It’s the biggest departure from the game, right? How did you decide to do that?

**Craig:** Yes. In the game, your perspective is always pinned to Joel, or later in the game, the perspective shifts, and you play as Ellie. Your perspective is always pinned to one or the other. You never leave them.

In the game, you must share the perspective of Joel as he arrives at Bill’s town. There is no Frank. Bill is angry and grouchy. He’s got the town rigged. The whole thing becomes a mission of figuring out where a car battery is, to get, to put in this car. It’s very mission-based because you need game-play. The character’s terrific. It’s just very different. It’s serving a different purpose, because the nature of that medium is quite different.

You do eventually find Frank, but in the game, Frank is dead. You don’t even see his face. You see his feet, because he’s hanged himself. He and Bill, you eventually figure out… Bill mentions him as his partner, and you just presume in a heteronormative way he’s talking about business partner or smuggling partner. It turns out, no, it’s a romantic partner. They basically broke up, and one of them lived on one side of the town. One of them lived on the other. They stopped talking to each other completely.

Then Frank was trying to leave, got infected, and killed himself and left a note behind that was the most bitter note ever. It was like, “This happened, and anyway, I’m better off. I’m glad I’m dead. It would be so much better being dead than spending one more day with you.” That relationship was presented in the game as a negative omen for Joel, like this is what happens to you if you don’t let anyone in.

**John:** Would a player always have found that, or could you have gone through the section and never discovered that?

**Craig:** You will always discover Frank, but that note is something that you have to choose to pick up and read. It’s one of the hallmarks of how Naughty Dog does their games. Those notes are gorgeous. There’s all this great stuff in it.

I thought that because we can shift perspective, we had an opportunity to, first of all, tell the story of what happens over 20 years through the lens of a relationship, which is generally what interests me, and then also to see a success.

These two guys love very differently. One is about improving the world, and the other is about protecting what matters to him, which is one person. They take care of each other, and they complement each other perfectly. They get to grow old together. They take care of each other. When it’s time to go, they go out on their own terms. As Nick Offerman playing Bill says, “I’m old. I’m satisfied, and you were my purpose.” To me, I needed the audience to understand that you can win. This is a brutal world. Aline, good news, there are going to be a lot of the dial turning scenes for you.

**Aline:** Cupcakes. Cupcakes.

**Craig:** Many, many more cupcakes coming, but it’s a tough world out there. The whole thing is about challenging Joel to open his heart up to this kid and what happens if he does and what are the risks and costs to him, but you can do it.

Like you said, there’s no point in doing the Bill and Frank story if it doesn’t have any direct bearing on Joel’s character and his relationship with Ellie. There have been a few people who just missed it. I don’t know how exactly, because it’s pretty clear. Bill leaves a note. Bill would never write the things in that note if he hadn’t met Frank. The note is about Frank. What he’s saying is, “You and I are here for literally only one reason, to protect the one person we love.” Joel has failed twice now. He’s failed to protect his own daughter. Now he’s failed to protect Tess. This is his last chance is this kid. If that note isn’t there, he’s a different man. That is why that story’s there.

**Aline:** That’s what is so great about TV is that you can take that detour and you have that time and you have that real estate. I’m always surprised if people don’t use it, or frankly, they overuse it. Sometimes things are so incredibly un-propulsive that you’re like, dude, give me a story, something. That balance between moving forward and resting is so…

You could probably do a podcast about that, an episode about that, where you move forward and where you rest. You need to let the audience rest. A lot of times, they just don’t let you. That’s why I often fall asleep in big budget movies, because when they get to the monsters, the vagina monsters and the flying caterpillars, I’m out. I’ve lost my human rooting interest.

**Craig:** How can we not call this episode vagina monsters and flying caterpillars?

**John:** I think so.

**Craig:** That’s pretty much what’s going on here.

**Aline:** That’s really what I care about, and so I really miss that. It was so funny, because one of the things that you do, Craig, that’s so confident, is that you don’t over-expositoritize. That’s what I was saying to you. That’s even in the racking, that you don’t rack. It’s like you can see it. You can see it. Then you had mentioned Bill and Frank a bunch even in the first two episodes. When I realized who it was, I turned to Will and I went, “That’s Bill and Frank.”

**Craig:** That’s what we’re going for.

**Aline:** I think that we sometimes forget how important it is for an audience to discover something. That’s one of the reasons it’s really important not to be noted to death, because when you’re noted to death, what people are doing is like, explain, explain, explain, rack now, rack now, explain exactly who they are. I am Bill. I am Frank. An audience is smart, and they’re going to get it.

The joy that I had when I realized, oh, this is who they’ve been talking about this whole time… What is this? What is the meaning of this? How are they going to meet? How is this? Because I trust you as a storyteller, I was like, oh, this is going to… To watch where the touchpoints, where the bones were going to drop in…

I think in action and genre particularly, it just gets bony towards the end. It’s just all fish bones. It’s like, let me still have my… When you go back and look at movies, even Die Hard or Rocky or things like that, you’re shocked at how little happens. So much happens in our movies now that it’s just like, I feel like there’s a point that usually comes at minute 62 where I’m just punched in the face for 20 minutes. I will get overloaded and fall asleep.

One of the things, Craig, is that because you come from writing comedy, because you come from writing things that weren’t super dramatic or whatever, I think you have a confidence in your comedic resting abilities. All the best stuff in most of these movies is… My favorite thing in Bourne Identity is when he washes her hair in the sink.

**Craig:** You are going to continue to enjoy this show, I think, because that’s definitely so much of what we do. It’s not to say that there aren’t going to be some sequences, including some enormous ones. The reason I wanted to do this show in the first place, it’s always primarily been about relationships.

The first couple of episodes are always hard, of anything, because you are building a world, introducing people, causing trauma, staging plot, and then motivating the things to begin. I will say that at this point with that episode, the first act of the season has concluded. We now begin the second act. We are ready to go with Joel and Ellie on this journey.

**Aline:** Felt that. Felt that with the car driving away. I felt that.

**Craig:** There are more, “Oh, that’s what that means,” to come.

**Aline:** You want a mix, right? You want a mix of things you’re discovering and things that are fed to you helpfully, because the other thing is I get very confused. I’m every joke TikTok about the mom who’s like, “Who is that? What is that? Who is that?”

The episode, spoiler alert, where you’re like, “When you step on the mushroom thing over here, it’s going to activate the other thing,” I was like, I’m just now counting down to when we activate all the outdoor mushroom people, which is not a sentence I’ve said ever before. I think it’s fine to do also the Mac and cheese story stuff.

In some point in Devil Wears Prada, she says, “If you can last here a year, you can have any job you want in the publishing business.” We say it one time, but it gets you through. You’re wanting to go, “Just quit, lady. Quit complaining and quit.” It’s such a good illustration for people of, you want to have those very clean, clear things, and then you want to have those delightful discovery things. To me, it feels like this is a chef who’s been cooking a very long time and has a lot of confidence and is not sweatily…

I’m just going to mention one more thing. Thank god that the people who are supposed to look like shit look like shit. I’m not kidding, because one of the weird sexist things is that when you watch a show, the men look like shit, and the women look like they stepped out of a hair and makeup trailer. Thank you for making… The women are supposed to look like shit. They look like shit.

**Craig:** I don’t know if I would go that far, but I would definitely say that we tried to keep everybody fairly realistic in the world. One of the things that was interesting about this episode is that we could depict two men not looking like shit, because they had a shower, they had clothes, they had resources.

**Aline:** That was nice. That was nice.

**Craig:** I did have this crazy moment on set where I had… We didn’t shoot our episodes in order.

**John:** How late in the season was this shot?

**Craig:** After the episode I directed, we went into this one. Then we went back and did the one that was the week before, because we needed time to put a lot of the effects in place. This one, we were like, “This isn’t as effects-heavy. We can do this one first.” I’d just come off directing that episode.

Every day, poor Anna Torv had to have this puffy eye thing stuck on to make her look all beaten up, which was incredibly uncomfortable. She was a real trooper about it. I get them out of the trailer. They come to set already ready to go. They just go back and get their touch-ups while we’re setting up after blocking. We’re doing this, and we come to the scene where they’re having their lunch, which is a flashback. Anna walks on set, and I’m like, “Oh my god, you’re beautiful.”

**John:** It was fun to see her out of all the distress makeup.

**Aline:** Again, that’s important. Her looking like you would, filthy, I’m sorry, but that’s a feminist act.

**John:** It was important for her to look great at that moment.

**Aline:** How many times in these movies where the man looks like a man would look and the woman looks like she’s had a vanity pass. Exactly what you said, which is then when someone gets a shower or a meal or does their hair, it has impact.

**Craig:** You notice it. Connie Parker was the head of our makeup department. She did such a good job. Makeup is like magic to me. She did such a good job of putting makeup on without ever seeming like anybody was wearing makeup, which is hugely important, especially when we’re talking about aging Pedro, because we aged Pedro every morning to play an older version of himself.

When we’re doing multiple versions, Anna Torv just got beaten up. It’s the next day. She’s not quite as beaten up. Now we’re going back in time. She’s not beaten up at all. As we go through this story, keep an eye on us, Aline, and keep giving me the makeup reports.

That was something that was important to me. There are shows that everyone, men and women, everyone first of all is gorgeous, and their hair is perfect and their makeup is perfect and everything is perfect and the lighting is perfect. We tried to be be more realistic.

**Aline:** The hardest I’ve ever laughed at that was… What’s the movie that Kevin Costner made in the West that was such a… Dances with Wolves. Dances with Wolves, people look generally pretty grubby. He looks pretty grubby. People look like they might in the West. Cut to Mary. What’s her last name? She has a several-thousand-dollar Jose Eber haircut. She has the most fabulously feathered hair. It’s incredible. It’s like how you would possibly have cut all those precision layers and then curled them with your round brush.

I’m very, very sensitive to that kind of thing. It really pulls me out. The women waking up with their full makeup on, all those things really pull me out. I think you don’t need it. You don’t need to add levels of un-reality. Again, I feel like this comes from confidence and from Craig being a competent chef who’s left in the kitchen to do what he needs to do. You don’t have anybody saying to you, “We got this beautiful woman. When is she going to rip her dress into a mini dress?”

**Craig:** That’s why she’s here, to be beautiful.

**Aline:** I’m going to be embarrassed if-

**Craig:** There are no mini dresses. Hair cutting will occur.

**Aline:** Great.

**Craig:** We talked a lot about hair and hair cutting and how would they be cutting their hair and what it would mean for them and all sorts of things like that. We try as best we can to… Look, in the second episode, Ellie wakes up, and pretty much the first thing she says is, “I have to pee.” No one ever has to pee in movies or television, but we do. We have to pee. The first thing I do when I wake up, I don’t know about you guys, I pee.

**John:** You go pee.

**Craig:** Anyway, our people pee.

**Aline:** No, I turn to the very handsome man in bed with me, and I’m fully made up. Then I start kissing him, even though I haven’t brushed my teeth.

**Craig:** Exactly.

**Aline:** I keep my bra on. It’s bonkers what we accept. I think what’s smart, Craig, is you’re in a genre world. You have enough tropes to go around. You don’t need to add extra ones. That’s what I really admire. Genre is there to give you those guardrails. When people ask me about romantic comedy, it’s like, sure, I’m going to have some of the things that you associate with the genre, just like you’re doing a zombie thing. Dead people looking weird are going to go argh across the frame, for sure.

**Craig:** They’re not dead.

**Aline:** That doesn’t change that you can still have a reality and emotion and talk about human beings. Genre gives you some nice guardrails with which to do it. I think Craig has an exceptional understanding of genre. If it’s identity thief, it’s going to use those conventions as a guardrail. To me, it’s like you’re going to use your genre pass on the zombie stuff, and by the way, do it well. I think that the enoki mushrooms are-

**Craig:** Not vagina monsters.

**Aline:** They’re not vagina monsters.

**John:** I think all Aline and I are saying is that it was a terrific episode.

**Craig:** Thank you.

**John:** A puzzle may have been too much, but it would’ve been fantastic.

**Craig:** Would’ve ruined it.

**John:** That is our episode.

**Craig:** Fantastic.

**John:** Thanks, Craig.

**Craig:** Thank you.

**John:** Thanks, Aline. Bye.

**Craig:** Thanks, guys.

**Aline:** Bye.

**Megana:** Thank you.

**Craig:** Bye.

Links:

* [Watch Your Place or Mine](https://www.netflix.com/title/81045831) on Netflix at 12:01am on 2/10/23
* [Showtime and Paramount+ Merging, With Rebrand Planned](https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/business/business-news/paramount-showtime-merger-linear-streaming-programming-changes-1235312987/)
* [‘Westworld’ Gets New Home As Warner Bros. Discovery Strikes Roku & Tubi FAST Channel Deals](https://deadline.com/2023/01/westworld-gets-new-home-as-warner-bros-discovery-strikes-roku-tubi-fast-channel-deals-1235245347/)
* [Cancellations Of Completed Seasons Of TV Series; Experts Weigh In On Whether Trend Will Continue](https://deadline.com/2023/01/write-offs-completed-seasons-tv-series-experts-weigh-in-on-trend-1235242805/)
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* [Aline Brosh McKenna](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0112459/) on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/alinebmckenna) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/abmck/)
* [Craig Mazin](https://twitter.com/clmazin) on Twitter
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* [John on Mastodon](https://mastodon.art/@johnaugust)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Nico Mansy ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* Scriptnotes is produced by [Megana Rao](https://twitter.com/MeganaRao) and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/586standardv2.mp3).

Anti-Villains

Episode - 590

Go to Archive

March 7, 2023 Scriptnotes, Transcribed

John and Craig twirl their mustaches and discuss what motivates our villains. Why does past trauma lead some characters to become villains, while others become heroes? What separates good and evil, and what makes a villain great?

We also celebrate Warren Beatty’s Dick Tracy TV special, and follow up on office phones, #PayUpHollywood, and American military influence in film.

In our bonus segment for premium members, we discuss Craig’s new tattoo of Ellie’s switchblade, and our first tattoo experiences.

Links:

  • Amtel Systems
  • The U.S. military’s Hollywood connection by Rebecca Keegan for Los Angeles Times
  • How E-girl influencers are trying to get Gen Z into the military by Günseli Yalcinkaya for DAZED
  • Warren Beatty Appears in Bizarre Dick Tracy TCM Special in Apparent Film-Rights Ploy by Dan Clarendon
  • The 1000 Deaths of Wile E. Coyote by T.B.D.
  • Why do good people do bad things? by Daniel Effron
  • Why some people are willing to challenge behavior they see as wrong despite personal risk by Catherine A. Sanderson
  • WGAw Late Pay Desk
  • The Puzzling Gap Between How Old You Are and How Old You Think You Are by Jennifer Senior for The Atlantic
  • Tattoo artist Yeono
  • Craig’s Tattoo
  • Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!
  • Check out the Inneresting Newsletter
  • Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription or treat yourself to a premium subscription!
  • Craig Mazin on Instagram
  • John August on Twitter
  • John on Instagram
  • John on Mastodon
  • Outro by Dilo Gold (send us yours!)
  • Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt with help from Chris Csont and edited by Matthew Chilelli.

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode here.

UPDATE 4-27-23: The transcript for this episode can be found here.

Scriptnotes, Episode 585: Do Muppets Bleed?, Transcript

February 28, 2023 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2023/do-muppets-bleed).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** This is Episode 585 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters. Today on the show, what are the unique characteristics that allow you to distinguish one writer’s writing from another’s. We’ll talk about writer fingerprints, voice, and situations where you may need to mimic someone else’s style. Plus, we have a lot of listener follow-up.

**Craig:** Good.

**John:** In our Bonus Segment for Premium Members, we often answer writer questions about producers, but here we have one from a producer asking about how to best handle a writer who can’t seem to finish or deliver on a script. If you want to know what advice Craig, Megana, and I have for this producer, you can find out as a Premium Member in about one hour when we get to that segment.

**Craig:** That’s worth the five bucks right there.

**John:** Right there. Right there.

**Craig:** Right there.

**John:** You know what’s worth more than $5?

**Craig:** What, Segue Man?

**John:** A spot on Scriptnotes if you are a writer, because we are the number one podcast for getting Oscar nominees to happen. That’s what I’ve decided.

**Craig:** I think you might be right about this.

**John:** Our track record this year, pretty darn good. Sarah Polley, Oscar nominee. Rian Johnson, Oscar nominee, Daniels, Oscar nominees. You count them as one or two people?

**Craig:** I count them as one bi-person duology.

**John:** Absolutely. Although she wasn’t on the podcast this year, she’s a previous guest, Pamela Ribon, and she was a One Cool Thing, so I think that counts for her animation nomination for My Year of Dicks.

**Craig:** Absolutely. It’s so funny, Year of Dicks triggered something in me.

**John:** The title or the film itself?

**Craig:** The title. I’m so glad I got to say that and it’s preserved eternally. Have you watched Poker Face yet?

**John:** I haven’t watched it yet. I’m excited too.

**Craig:** I saw the first episode of Poker Face last night, which is the new show from Rian Johnson and the great Natasha Lyonne, who by the way, have we had Natasha on the show?

**John:** No, she was never on the show.

**Craig:** We’re going to change that momentarily. It was a delight. There was a line that was said not once, but twice, possibly thrice. “Cloud of dicks.” It made me happy. I think we have entered the dicks phase of language.

**John:** Yeah, 100%. Now, I worry though that the success of these writers who came on the Scriptnotes podcast is only going to make it worse for Megana. I don’t know if you know this, Craig, but publicists are flooding her inbox.

**Craig:** I know.

**John:** We need to stop that.

**Craig:** There’s nothing we can do about that really. They’re going to find whoever they can find, and I don’t blame them. I honestly don’t. The thing about these awards seasons is… You’ve been involved in one. I’ve been involved in one. The publicists are constantly looking for these angles. The ones that they love the most are the inside baseball ones, where they know you can go and talk to people for an hour, it’s actually a fun conversation, it’s not brutal, and it’s going to be over-sampled by the people voting in the Guild Awards and for the Academies.

I get it, but also, dear publicists, we’re not a talk show really. This is my favorite kind of show, me and you alone with Megana. Alone with Megana. That’s a great song title. Didn’t Air Supply do that one?

**John:** I do want to acknowledge that most of the people we’ve had on the show who are writers who get awards were people we just knew independently of publicists. There have been a couple cases where the only place that we could find these people were because of publicists, and some of those have turned out great too. The Greta Gerwig episode is a fantastic episode. I don’t know Greta Gerwig from anybody, but because of publicists, we were able to be connected together. I’m not digging publicists. They serve a great function. I just want to make sure that we are true to our goals of not becoming just a talk show.

**Craig:** I think we really do try and limit it, even among our friends. We have friends that still bug me, like, “Why haven’t I been on your show?” Because that’s not what we do. It’s not our thing. Then every time we do have a guest, I’m like, “I’m going to hear from people.” It’s honestly not our focus. We are not a come on and plug your thing. The reason that we talk to people almost always, not always, but almost always, is because there is a personal connection. Even the Daniels was just down to, I’d had a nice chat with one of the Daniels on Twitter. There was some connection there.

**John:** I met them up on the mountain at Sundance.

**Craig:** There you go. There you go.

**John:** There was some connection. The person we’ve not been able to get on the show, and we’ve kind of tried, we haven’t tried that hard, but James Cameron is a get that we’d love to get, because not only his most recent work, but how incredibly influential his writing style for films like Terminator and Aliens. Action writing is different because of him. It would be great to have him on the show.

**Craig:** I am a huge, huge fan of the script for Titanic. I just love it. I love it. It would be great to talk to him for my own interest. I’m that selfish. If other people want to listen, fine, but I want to talk to him.

**John:** We’ve been trying to make that happen. At some point, maybe we can make that happen. In the meantime, if you want to read any of these scripts that are nominated, you can now, thanks to Megana Rao, read them on the Weekend Read beta. Weekend Read is the app my company makes for reading scripts on your iPhone. We have a beta for the new version. It’s really good. It’s really fun. We now have all the For Your Consideration scripts up in there if you want to read them. The new version has notes. It has a read aloud feature, which is fun.

**Craig:** Nice.

**John:** If you would like to try the beta on that, we’ll put a link in the show notes to that. It’s just a simple test flight. There’s still kinks that we’re working out, so if you want to try it out and tell us what’s working and what’s not working, that would help us out a lot.

**Craig:** Don’t kink-shame.

**John:** No. Kinks are good. Kink-celebrate.

**Craig:** I’m giddy today. I’m clearly giddy.

**John:** You are giddy. Let’s talk about why you’re giddy, because you had a rough start to your day. Do you want to tell us what happened this morning?

**Craig:** It was an up and down sort of day.

**John:** Literally.

**Craig:** Exactly. Upside, The Last of Us has been renewed for another season.

**John:** Hooray!

**Megana Rao:** Congratulations.

**Craig:** Thank you. I was very happy about that. Then on the downside, there’s some businessy, contracty nonsense. Every now and then, you just get a call from your lawyer where you’re like, “Wait, what? What?! What?!” I just got grouchy about that. It’ll all be resolved. Nobody freak out. Then I went and took a shower, and I was moving quickly, because I didn’t want to be late for this show.

**John:** You don’t want to break your perfect streak of being on time.

**Craig:** Exactly, because I’m always so punctual, and I really felt like it’s important to not blow it. That’s obviously really important to me, and so I raced. Coming out of the shower, I slipped and I fell in the bathroom. As I was falling, I did a pretty good job of… Time slows down, and you basically get spidey senses. Your body knows somehow, something terrible is about to happen, so your brain goes into a mega state. Everything got slower. I was able to get my hand out to slow things down. I was also able to turn. I took all of the brunt of the fall on my hip, which as you know, is something that old people break all the time. Now I know why. I did not break my hip. I was on the floor, and for a second I was like, “Did I just… No, I think I’m okay.”

There’s a comedian, Alonzo Bodden, who does this bit about how when you’re in your 20s and you fall, you just pop back up and your only concern is, “Did anybody see me? Because I looked really stupid.” When you’re in your 50s and you fall, people tell you, “Whoa, don’t get up. Stay down.” Then he said when you’re in your 80s and you fall, people fly in from out of state. I decided to stay down for a bit, and then I was like, “Everything’s fine.” Then I got back up, and I was just like, “Oh, for God’s sakes, what a start to the day.”

**John:** I’m so sorry, Craig. I had a fall at the end of last year. We were skiing. Skiing is inherently kind of dangerous. You’re going to fall while you’re skiing.

**Craig:** At least you fall on snow.

**John:** I was going in to change my gloves or something. I’m walking in ski boots, which are perilous anyway. I hit some wet concrete, slip, and start to fall. Yes, again, time starts to go more slowly. In fact, they think what’s actually happening is that time isn’t moving more slowly but your memory of it is moving more slowly. It takes more slices. That’s why it seems like-

**Craig:** Interesting.

**John:** That’s why you remember it happening slowly.

**Craig:** I like that.

**John:** I start to fall. I end up falling and hitting my ribs against this row of seats. I bruise my ribs. They’re still now recovering.

**Craig:** Are you sure you just bruised them?

**John:** If I’d broken them, it would’ve been harder to breathe.

**Craig:** It’s probably true.

**John:** Also, there’s not a lot they can do for broken ribs [crosstalk 00:09:12].

**Craig:** There really isn’t. You can’t cast them. You just basically tell people don’t take deep breaths.

**John:** The rib I bruised the most is one of the ribs in back that’s not actually connected to anything. It free floats, which is kind of great, but also they could just remove it like they removed Cher’s ribs. I was thinking, “Maybe they can just remove the rib.”

**Craig:** Did they really remove Cher’s ribs?

**John:** I think that is not just a Snopesy thing. We’re going to look it up right now, because I don’t want to put false information out. Snopes Cher rib.

**Craig:** I’m doing it too, Snopes Cher rib. “Did Cher have ribs removed to make her waist smaller?” False.

**John:** False.

**Craig:** False. The claim was Cher had her lowest pair of ribs surgically removed to achieve an ultra-small waist. That is apparently false. In fact, it doesn’t seem that really anyone has done that.

**John:** I’m looking up Marilyn Manson too, the other thing I’ve heard.

**Craig:** For a totally different purpose. We could say auto-fellatio on the show. I don’t think that that violates any… Marilyn Manson, who apparently is a horrible person, from everything I’ve read… Am I allowed to say that on the show?

**John:** Yeah. I think we avoid libel by saying you’ve heard people say that he’s not a good person.

**Craig:** I don’t mean to slander anybody. I’m just saying I’ve read things online. It sounds like he’s a horrible person. Some terrible claims have been made against him by people that I have no reason to doubt. The rumor that had been out there is that he had ribs removed so that he could perform auto-fellatio, which it can’t possibly be true.

**John:** No, it doesn’t seem like it’s true. People apparently are asking him, and he’s giving vague non-answers, probably because he wants the story to continue. Anyway, circling back to-

**Craig:** Boy, have we gone off… Wow.

**John:** Craig and I both fell down and hurt ourselves, and we’re older, but we’re okay.

****Megana:**** Aw.

**Craig:** I like that Megana’s like, “Oh, you guys are so cute, falling down.” Megana, you’re the one that’s going to have to take care of us.

**John:** Megana has a sore throat.

**Craig:** Oh, you have a sore throat?

****Megana:**** I have a sore throat, yeah.

**Craig:** Oh, dear. Oh boy.

****Megana:**** It’s normal. It’s a cool thing to have.

**Craig:** Is it?

**John:** It’s a very useful sore throat.

**Craig:** Megana, I gotta push back on that. I don’t think it’s cool at all.

****Megana:**** It’s not cool, but I got it from being social and fun, not from the two stories we just heard.

**John:** At a party.

****Megana:**** I got it at a party.

**Craig:** Not from some pathetic old man lost his balance thing. Cool. Cool cool.

**John:** We actually have a PSA, not really a question or a follow-up, but from James, which is also about medical-related things. Megana, would you help us out with that?

****Megana:**** James says, “This isn’t a question. It’s a reminder for all writers to look after their tools. For the last couple of years, I’ve been struggling to write. I would feel mentally drained whenever I started writing. Depression and writing became synonymous in my mind. I wasn’t looking at things clearly, literally. I got my eyes checked a few weeks ago, and it turns out that I needed reading glasses. That’s all. The effort required to read was causing me stress and fatigue. These glasses have given me a new surge of creativity, and it’s a joy to write again. If we’re sighted, our eyes are a key tool for our job. Please look after them.”

**Craig:** That’s fantastic, James.

**John:** That’s fantastic. I feel very seen by James, because a thing I’ve noticed over the past last few months is some days I wake up and my eyes are just not working quite right. It’s not that I need my reading glasses on or need them off. Just my monitor is hard to read. I actually have an eye appointment to go in and see if I need some sort of medium distance glasses. Right now, as we’re recording, eyes are crystal clear, everything is so sharp, but there’s times where it’s hard just to read, and writing’s tougher.

**Craig:** You don’t wear reading glasses?

**John:** I wear reading glasses only for very close distance things.

**Craig:** I see. John, alas, that is changing. John, your body is going through changes. Have a seat. Let’s talk about what’s happening with your body. Your eye muscles are dying, and so are mine. I will say the more you use reading glasses, the-

**John:** More you depend on them.

**Craig:** Oh my god, because your eye muscles are like, “Thank you. We’re done. Everybody go home. We retire.” I think it’s fun actually. I am enjoying this part of being old. I feel like this is the best old time. What follows this is not good old time. This is fun old time, like, “Oh, I need glasses. Oh, I slipped and fell, but really nothing happened, lol.” The 20-something that I work with on my show laughs about it, and that’s funny. In 10 years it’s going to be sad.

****Megana:**** Also, just because most people on the podcast don’t get to see this, you do have quite a flourish when you put your reading glasses on.

**Craig:** I do?

****Megana:**** Yeah.

**Craig:** I like to snap them open and slap them on. Everybody knows when the reading glasses go on-

****Megana:**** It’s business time.

**Craig:** It’s business time. Decisions are about to be made.

**John:** A trick for people is that if you are starting to use reading glasses, like I am, get on Amazon. You can get packs of 10 that are basically all the same. You just leave them around places in your house, so you don’t have to worry about, “Where are my reading glasses?” Your reading glasses are everywhere, and that’s a really helpful thing you can do, just like pens. Just have a pen everywhere you need a pen.

**Craig:** Try and make as many friends as you can in their 50s and 60s, because they’ll always have reading glasses with them also. I used to look at people 10 years ago in a restaurant with their glasses and their phones with the lights on, looking at menus. I’m like, “What is wrong with these people?” It me.

**John:** You’re the problem.

**Craig:** I’m the problem.

**John:** We have another question that I think we can actually maybe answer, about Apple Podcasts and Siri. Megana, help us out.

****Megana:**** Anthony writes, “I had a weird change in my normal listening habit when I upgraded to a new OS on my phone. I’m using an iPhone 12 Mini and I just upgraded to iOS 16.2. I’m subscribed to the show via Apple Podcasts, and when driving, I used to be able to press a talk button and say, ‘Play Scriptnotes podcast,’ and it just started playing the latest episode or wherever I left off. Now after this update, if I say, ‘Play Scriptnotes podcast,’ it says you have to blah blah blah Apple Music to do that. I tried changing it to say, ‘Play Apple Podcast Scriptnotes,’ and it didn’t work, starts playing Apple Podcasts but other shows. Without boring you to tears, I’ve managed to verbally get it to play a couple of times, but I can’t remember the exact phrasing that worked.”

**John:** This is a form of prompt engineering. It’s almost like what ChatGPT is, like what am I going to say to this device to get them to do what I want. We have the same kind of problem occasionally. In the morning, we ask Siri to play us the news. We say, “Play the news from NPR,” or just, “Tell us the news.” Sometimes it works like that, and sometimes it doesn’t.

What I think Anthony needs to do is be a little bit more specific. I think the real trick here is that the podcast we’re listening to is not Scriptnotes, it is Scriptnotes Podcast. For whatever reason, when we first set it up, we called it Scriptnotes Podcast. If he says, “Play Scriptnotes Podcast in Podcasts,” it should work. I listen to Overcast, and I’d test it, that, “Play Scriptnotes Podcast in Overcast,” will pull up Overcast and it’ll play in there.

**Craig:** Is there a way to change that, so that just saying Scriptnotes would work? Is there somebody we could talk to?

**John:** I think we would probably break… It’s too risky. There’s too many things that could break because of it.

**Craig:** What if I talk to Tim Apple? Would that help?

**John:** Tim Apple could fix all of it.

**Craig:** I’m telling you, this is going to… John, hang on. Just hang on, because this is going to be a show. It’s going to be a show, buddy. It’s going to be a show. We’re going to have a great time.

**John:** Also, what’s important for people to understand is that we think about Apple controlling podcasts, but they really don’t. It’s just an RSS feed, like your old website, Craig. That RSS feed has really nothing to do with Apple. It’s just people tend to use their iPhones to listen to podcasts.

**Craig:** I just wanted to say Tim Apple.

**John:** Tim Apple. Craig, we have talked before about IP-based movies. I think one of the things we got to was there was going to be a Pet Rock movie at some ponit. The moment has come. I was talking with a writer who’s going to pitch on the Pet Rock movie. We had a great conversation about what the Pet Rock movie should be.

**Craig:** I don’t hate it. Did you have a Pet Rock by the way?

**John:** I didn’t have an official Pet Rock bought at the store. I got a rock out of the garden and drew some eyes on it.

**Craig:** Oh my god, that’s the saddest thing in the world.

**John:** I don’t know what to tell you.

**Craig:** You were too poor to have the $4 Pet Rock?

**John:** Yeah, it’s true.

**Craig:** Oh my god.

**John:** Basically, my parents said no.

**Craig:** That is the most Eagle Scout thing I’ve ever heard from you, and you have quite a bit of Eagle Scoutness as an Eagle Scout. I had the actual branded Pet Rock, and I’ve got to tell you, it’s superior to your homemade faux rock.

**John:** Tell me why it was better.

**Craig:** No, it wasn’t.

**John:** What are the characteristics of a real Pet Rock? Are their googly eyes glued to it?

**Craig:** Yes, there are googly eyes glued to it. That is essentially what it was. Megana, have you even heard of Pet Rock?

****Megana:**** I’ve heard of Pet Rock. I’ve never actually seen one. I haven’t held one.

**Craig:** There’s probably a few out there still in the wild. The joke of it was I think it was invented as a novelty to make fun of consumerism. It was like, “Look how stupid everyone is.” People would buy a Pet Rock. It’s a gag gift you’d give to somebody on their birthday, “Ha ha ha, I bought you a Pet Rock.” Then it just became a fad, a real fad. In the ‘70s, fads happened in the weirdest ways. We watch fads happening now live on Twitter or Instagram.

These things would just emerge in these crazy, organic ways until eventually they filtered down to people on Staten Island. Then it subverted the whole point. The whole point was look how ridiculous it is. Then actually people were like, “We want Pet Rocks.”

What we have now are a lot of people running Hollywood who are in their 50s and 60s who are remembering Pet Rock. This to me is the epitome of pointless in that nobody who’s going to… They’re not making the Pet Rock movie for people in their 50s and 60s. They’re making it for kids. Kids don’t know about Pet Rocks. Zero cache for them. It could be good though. It could be.

**John:** It could be good. It could be good, just because there’s literally a blank slate, as the writer said. There’s many rock puns you can get to.

**Craig:** I get it. Slate.

**John:** Here’s what I’ll say. I think the idea of this thing that should be completely inanimate being the central character of a story is interesting in the wake of Marcel the Shell with Shoes On and the moments in Everything Everywhere All At Once which are about two rocks just sitting and watching the end of time. I kind of get it, but they’re going to want it to be a big, four-quadrant movie. They’re going to want it to be Minions, and that’s going to be challenging, but somebody’s up for it.

**Craig:** If you made a movie called Rocks and it was about animated rocks, that would be perfectly… We know that you can make a wonderful animated movie based on almost anything. It’s just the fact that they think Pet Rock has some kind of value.

**John:** I’m curious whether Pet Rock is a trademark, whether they held onto a trademark for that or if it’s just [inaudible 00:20:40].

**Craig:** That’s a great question. I don’t know, although now I’m seeing that apparently there is a Pet Rock that is introduced in Minions: The Rise of Gru. Perhaps this is why. It may be that the Pet Rock has been revived via Minions.

**John:** The other revival of the Pet Rock of course is Elmo’s longstanding beef with Zoe on Sesame Street about her pet rock. Zoe wants to save a piece of pie or a piece of pizza for her pet rock. Elmo’s like, “It’s just a stupid rock.”

****Megana:**** His name’s Rocco.

**John:** His name’s Rocco, the pet rock.

**Craig:** Does Elmo physically fight Zoe? Do they fight? Is there blood? Do muppets bleed?

**John:** Do muppets bleed? We’ve got a title for the episode.

**Craig:** Hey, Siri, do muppets bleed? I just triggered a lot of phones out there.

**John:** We will follow the development of the Pet Rock movie. The other thing, which I don’t know if we talked about on the show before, is I was curious why is there not a General Mills cereal movie. Why is there not a Franken Berry movie? Why is there not a Count Chocula?

**Craig:** Why isn’t there?

**John:** I looked it up, and there was a whole plan to make them, and it all fell apart.

**Craig:** Things do tend to fall apart a lot in Hollywood.

**John:** Things fall apart.

**Craig:** That is true. Hold on a second. I just had a cool idea for a movie.

**John:** Please.

**Craig:** It’s an animated movie. It’s basically a battle royale between all of the cereal mascots.

**John:** The mascots, yeah.

**Craig:** All of them. There’s so many. Right off the top of my head, there’s Cap’n Crunch, there’s the Trix are for kids rabbit, there is the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

**John:** Love it.

**Craig:** Snap, Crackle, and Pop. There’s the Honey Smacks Dig ‘Em Frog. Was it Honey Smacks?

**John:** Dig ‘Em Frog, yeah.

**Craig:** There’s the Dig ‘Em Frog. There’s the wizard from Cookie Crunch or Cookie Crisp. It was a wizard.

**John:** Cookie Crisp wizard. We obviously have Boo Berry.

**Craig:** Franken Berry, Boo Berry, Count Chocula, the bee from Honey Nut Cheerios. What else do we need to say?

**John:** It’s IP-alooza. It feels like it could be Laff-A-Lympics, which is great.

**Craig:** Or Space Jam.

**John:** Space Jam is really the comp for it, although those were all within one studio. Getting them all together would be a little bit tough, but completely doable.

**Craig:** You just have to settle the great Kellogg’s/Post war. That’d be fun. Somebody get to work on that.

**John:** Easy done. Craig, we’ve talked before about the preface page or whatever we want to call that page after the title page, before the script itself starts. Thanks for Adrianne Cespedes who wrote in with this preface page Tár. Craig, would you mind reading the preface page from Tár?

**Craig:** Sure. Here’s what it says. “Based on this script’s page count, it would be reasonable to assume that the total running time for Tár will be well under two hours. However, this will not be a reasonable film. There will be tempo changes and soundscapes that require more time than is represented on the page, and of course a great deal of music performed on screen. All this to say, if you are mad enough to greenlight this film, be prepared for one whose necessary length represents these practical accommodations.” That’s great.

**John:** I really like this. I like it because here we have Todd Field warning the studio distributor that the film is going to be long, but also it feels very Tár-like. It feels like it’s in keeping with the spirit of the film, which is going to be like, “I am going to set impossible standards that are going to make you a little uncomfortable. Let’s get started.”

**Craig:** You can feel the intelligence radiating off of this. The formality of the language is setting you up for Tár. It’s wonderful and I think probably wasn’t necessary, but additive. If Todd hadn’t put this there, the people would’ve read it and said, “Wow, this movie’s great.” Then you would’ve said, “Terrific. Now, if you want to make it, I gotta tell you, blah blah blah blah blah.” I like that he put it in anyway, because it sets the table.

**John:** That’s what a preface page does is gets you ready for the read. We have a question from Lorenz in Vienna here.

**Craig:** Should I read it?

**John:** Megana, do you want to read this?

**Craig:** I don’t want to take Megana’s job.

****Megana:**** I appreciate that, Craig.

**Craig:** You’re welcome.

****Megana:**** Lorenz from Vienna writes, “In Episode 582, Craig briefly mentioned paid script consultants and what he thought about them. I then went back to the transcript of Episode 71 and was surprised to read that essentially you seemed to consider them a waste of money at best and dangerous quacks at worst. I’m an early career writer-director in Europe, and over here, script consultants are an integral part of the industry, with dedicated state funding for them during script development.

“My own experience with consultants has been very positive, and judging from what I’ve learned about writers’ rooms on your show, the relationship feels a bit like a mini room, with the consultant acting as a conversation partner and providing outsider’s perspective on the script. Most of the consultants I know are screenwriters themselves, but the relationship between the quality of their feedback and the measurable success of what they have written is not necessarily linear, similar to how someone might be a successful artist but a terrible arts teacher and vice versa. I’d be curious to hear if this is a completely different kind of consultancy to what you were talking about, what you think about it, and if this kind of relationship exists at all within the Hollywood system.”

**John:** This ties in actually really well to the Bonus Segment we’re going to be talking about, because that is a British writer and producer, and they have a whole thing called a script editor, which is not a thing we have at all here. Craig, let’s open our minds and think about, what if there were a person who came in to sit down with a writer to help them get their script better? What do we think about that person?

**Craig:** It sounds like things work quite a bit differently there. I’m trying to dig under the hood of this comment from Lorenz, because it almost feels like script consultants with state funding are operating the way our development executives operate over here. It’s quite a different thing. We’re talking about people that other people pay, like the government, to help develop screenplay and art in Europe.

Lorenz, here in the United States, these people that I’m talking about, writers pay them directly. They are out there saying, “Hey, hire me on a private basis. You pay me this much per hour or this much per read, and I will give you notes,” and things like that. Writers are essentially paying for the thing that in your country the government is funding. To that extent, there’s the problem. You end up with a lot of… When you drive down a city street and you see, I don’t know, store fronts for psychics, you can go in there and pay them if you want. It’s probably not going to work.

**John:** I agree with you that I think the real corollary here is probably development executives, which is a little bit different than producers, so we should talk about what the difference there is. A producer is a person who’s trying to get your film made.

Craig has talked a lot about working with Lindsay Doran, who is a great producer and has also worked as a development executive in times. She is a person who you can really have very in-depth conversations about your script and what you’re trying to do and how this scene’s working and how that ties into the next. She’s not a writer. She’s a person who works really well with writers. If that is what the script consultant is for someone like Lorenz, that’s great.

Really though, we’re getting back to what is the paid relationship, and is the person really any good. I think so often we’ve just encountered terrible, terrible people who are billing themselves as script consultants, who really have no business doing that at all. That’s I think the reason why we’re so gun-shy about recommending any script consultant is because we’ve had so many bad experiences or people coming in to us with terrible advice, terrible notes. People are just taking their money.

**Craig:** People are just taking their money. Our operating principle here is that there are perfectly good positions in Hollywood where people are paid, and often quite handsomely, to do the job of helping writers develop a screenplay. The executives who work at the studio are paid by the studio to obviously help the studio, but in doing so, try and give the writer advice and feedback. Then there are producers who are more entrepreneurial, but they too are being paid by someone else, certainly not the writer. That’s fine.

If your goal is to give writers notes and shepherd and develop, then you should be trying to be a studio executive or a producer. If you can’t, because say you’re not good enough, then perhaps you decide instead, “Oh, I know what I’ll do. I’ll just go out there on my own and just start making writers pay me for this. In order to convince them, I will talk about how brilliant I am and what wonderful insight I have.” Eugh.

**John:** Thinking back to my time up at the mount in Sundance, the Sundance Institute works a lot like this. The consultants, the advisors they’re called for Sundance, they’re not paid. They’re volunteering their time to come up there to sit and work with these writers about their projects. It is not a governmental thing, but it has an organizational integrity quality to it. People are doing it for the best possible reasons and trying to make the best possible films.

Hopefully, that’s what you’re finding there in Austria, Lorenz, is someone who’s doing that. I want to make sure that when we are talking about script consultants negatively, we’re really talking about our experience of Hollywood hucksters who are taking writers’ money and making things worse.

**Craig:** Hollywood hucksters, that’s a great way of describing them.

**John:** Great. One last bit of follow-up here. Megana, we have Jake from Dallas.

****Megana:**** “I was listening to John and Craig talk to Sarah Polley, and it reminded me of how supportive and nice the three of you are.”

**Craig:** Aw.

****Megana:**** “Each of you are very smart and insightful people, which probably means you could be the ‘actually’ person to always correct others, who always tries to one-up those around you or the one who’s just waiting for their next opportunity to shower the conversation with their magnificent oration instead of listening to the people we’re sharing our time with. The Sarah Polley conversation was another example of you behaving in a supportive, constructive, and nice manner. Have you learned this anti-‘actually’ trait over your careers or do you think you always had the capacity to listen and contribute?”

**John:** It was very nice of Jake to write in with that. I thought it was a great episode too. A lot of people [inaudible 00:31:18] how much they enjoyed the Sarah Polley episode. Craig, what do you think? Actually, what’s going on here?

**Craig:** Actually…

**John:** It’s all Matthew cutting out all of our actuallys. That’s really what it is.

**Craig:** He has a filter now that just automatically strips everything of actually. I think that you and I learned this as we were starting out, because in a way, I think we were forced to, because of the way we were doing the podcast. This was obviously well before Zoom. We generally don’t look at each other when we’re having these things anyway. It’s all audio and certainly was at the start. When you are having a phone conversation with someone, which is what this essentially is, you need to give that person space. Also, I have to say I have occasionally sampled podcasts. I admit it. One of the reasons I struggle with podcasts is because people are constantly talking over each other, and it makes me crazy. What about you?

**John:** There are podcasts where that’s just the nature of how they work. It’s a tacit agreement between the host that that’s how it all works. It’s oneupmanship and who’s louder. That’s just never been us. My One Cool Thing actually ties into this.

**Craig:** Actually.

**John:** Actually. It’s basically how you set affordances so that people can say what they need to say or what they want to say, how do you ask questions that lead to interesting answers and continuing discussion. There’s some prep work there, but it’s also just mostly listening to what the person wants to tell you.

**Craig:** I think being interested in the people you have on your show is probably a good idea. I will also say that in a personal growth sort of way, it’s been made clear over the last few years by a lot of women that men in particular talk over them. You and I, I don’t think we ever talked over anybody when we had them on the air. I am certainly aware of just the general concept of not mowing people down when they’re talking. I like a nice, slow discussion.

The first scene of this season of The Last of Us is basically a Dick Cavett talk show. I am obsessed with Dick Cavett. I watch these videos of old Dick Cavett interviews, and it’s almost like from another planet of people talking and listening. They’re talking at length. It’s not about constantly entertaining the crowd. You can tell that the discussions haven’t been pre-organized and curated the way they are on talk shows now. I miss that, and to the extent that we can contribute to that sort of culture, I think that’s great.

**John:** I think also our guest selection is crucial. Sarah was a great example of that. Taffy Brodesser-Akner could take over Craig’s spot tomorrow.

**Craig:** Good. Please.

**John:** She definitely has that ability to just keep it all going. There have been times where a publicist has been insistent and gotten somebody onto the show, have been more of the frustrating times, where it’s like, I don’t have a thing to get to next. There have been a couple interviews, actually not that have been on Scriptnotes, but some live things, where the person was not interested in hitting the ball back. Man, it’s just tough.

**Craig:** It’s brutal. It is almost worse when people aren’t listening to each other. Turn on any news channel now. It’s just people yelling at each other constantly. Aren’t you amused when… It’s always two guys. Two guys are talking, and they’re angry at each other and they’re arguing, and neither one of them is willing to stop talking to let the other one talk, so they just keep going, like a game of chicken where the cars keep smashing into each other over and over. It’s remarkable.

**John:** They’re encouraged to do it because it generates conflict and it seems exciting. I hate it. A podcast I’ll recommend to everybody, and I think I talked about this on the show before, the Attitudes podcast with Erin Gibson and Bryan Safi is terrific and a great example of people who can talk over each other and yet they’re clearly listening at the same time, because their brains are synced in a way, and they’re improv people, so they can just keep building and building and building in ways that are delightful. I love it when I see people who are doing that really well. Cool.

**Craig:** Agreed.

**John:** Craig, our main topic here, this came from a recent issue of Inneresting. It was a recap of an old post of mine where I was talking about the things you do that make your writing unique, that you aren’t even aware that makes your writing unique. I also include a quote from Dara Resnick, where she was talking about how sometimes on a writing staff, one of your real goals is to lose your style and just mimic the showrunner style.

I thought I would talk for a few minutes about the kinds of things that are unique to one writer, where if a script dropped on your desk, Craig, and it didn’t have a title page on it, you could sometimes tell, “Oh, this was written by this person.”

**Craig:** Some of that stuff is magic and hard to parse out. Sometimes it’s almost scary to parse it out. I certainly don’t want to do that to my own stuff. Have you ever seen the Aaron Sorkin supercut?

**John:** I think I know what you’re talking about, which is basically just the dialog thing that does always happen in Sorkin dialog.

**Craig:** Exactly. There’s this collection that they’ve pulled from, all the years of West Wing and whatever the SNL show was and Sports Night and A Few Good Men and all the movies. There are these phrases and comments and styles and things that just keep coming up over and over and over. It’s not really self-plagiarism as much as it is just the fingerprint. It’s the style. Now, he’s a very stylistic writer. Part of knowing that it’s Aaron Sorkin is the hyper-literacy and the speed and all the rest of it. Everybody I think who’s good has a signature to them. Figuring out what comprises that is really interesting.

**John:** With Sorkin, there are words that you can cut together in a supercut. In other cases, it’s actually a little bit hard to parse. I’ll put a link in the show notes to this story about how they figured out how that Robert Galbraith, the writer, was actually JK Rowling. It was just basically forensic linguistics.

**Craig:** That was her nom de plume.

**John:** Nom de plume, her pen name. It was a secret that she was Robert Galbraith. There had been some rumors that it could be her. What they did is they went through and they compared the texts and they looked for sequences of adjacent words, sequences of characters, and a third test was on the most common words, and a fourth was about the author’s preference for long or short words. Basically, that’s what builds up that fingerprint. It’s like, “Oh, we are 90% certain that this is actually the same person writing these two things.” These were not deliberate choices that Rowling was making. It’s just that that’s just what happens. It’s just like you do things just because that’s how your brain works.

**Craig:** We can hear each other in our rhythm. Sometimes people will do an impression of me. When they do, I go, “Oh yeah, that does sound familiar,” but I’m not sure that if somebody had done that and not told me ahead of time that it was me, that I would’ve known it was me. Can you do an impression of me?

**John:** Not at all. I can’t do impressions of anything. That’s actually one of my biggest frustrations. You’re actually quite good at hearing and being able to do impressions or do accents. It’s just not a thing I’m good at. I can do it in my head. Can you do an impression of me?

**Craig:** Yeah, I can do an impression of you.

**John:** Let’s do it.

**Craig:** There’s a lot of stuff that comes out quickly, but yeah. Okay, moving on. It’s a rhythm thing. My impression of you, it’s not a great impression, because most of what makes you idiosyncratic is the speed of your speech and the rhythm of it. What people always do when they do an impression of me is they’re like, “So. Everything’s huge. Then when you talk you’re big.” I’m like, I guess. Maybe. I don’t know. Megana, can you do an impression of me?

****Megana:**** I think an impression of you would be difficult to do, because you do take these pauses, but then in order to do the impression of you, I’d have to also replicate the eloquence that comes after the pause, and that would be very difficult to do.

**Craig:** You know what? You’ve won my heart.

**John:** Just that was a very Craig, like da da, da da da da. You also pitch up. I think you have a much more tonal range than I do or that a lot of speakers do.

**Craig:** I’m a singer.

**John:** You’re a singer.

**Craig:** I like to sing.

**John:** You’re a natural singer.

**Craig:** I guess my point bringing all this up and having fun with it is I don’t make those choices and you don’t make those choices and Megana doesn’t make those choices, why we talk the way we talk and why we have the patterns we have. All of that then I think is translatable or at least analogous to the weirdness of the way we write, but I don’t think I necessarily write the way I talk. I don’t think you write the way you talk. It’s this whole other thing.

**John:** Honestly, we write more similar than you would guess, because as we were working on the Scriptnotes book, one of the big jobs is to take the Scriptnotes transcripts, as we’re having a conversation about scene length or something, and so you and I are having a back-and-forth conversation. When we try to just turn it into a chapter with just prose, literally our sentences do fit together pretty well. We don’t read that different on the page, which is useful.

**Craig:** We’re like an old married couple that starts looking like each other.

**John:** Let’s talk about things that are different between-

**Craig:** I just want to keep upsetting Megana, like, “Aw. Aw.”

**John:** Let’s talk about some of the things that are different that you can notice on a screenplay page about one writer versus another writer. This is a list I had in my blog post, but we may add to this. How you handle unfinished end-of-line punctuation. Are you two dashes? Are you an ellipses? What are the situations where you’d use an ellipsis versus two dashes. It’s personal style. There’s not one precise right answer.

**Craig:** You want to try and be consistent within your screenplay. What do you do, by the way?

**John:** I have two dashes if it’s literally cut off and ellipsis if it’s trailing off.

**Craig:** Same. I probably use ellipses more than most writers. I know I do. I’m a big fan.

**John:** I use ellipses less than I used to. I used to use ellipses for everything, but I now do a lot of two dashes.

**Craig:** Interesting.

**John:** How much uppercase do you use within scene description? Some people just will uppercase a lot more for emphasis. Some people are really spare with the uppercase.

**Craig:** One of the things I’ve found over time is that my uppercasing tends to increase when I’m writing either… Usually when I’m writing action or something that maybe you wouldn’t define as action but is very physical, like physical humor or something like that.t

**John:** Absolutely. It’s sometimes that uppercasing can be a way to indicate, this is a shot, this is a shot, this is a shot, or there’s other reasons why you’re using it there. Parentheticals. Are you using parentheticals as say to mean a beat, for clarity, like joking, or how to play this in quotes, “Please die in a fire.” Basically, are you using it for all line things? Those are all valid choices, just different ways to use the parenthetical.

**Craig:** Some people never use them.

**John:** Never. Commas and comma usage, very distinctive. You can use them sensibly. You can use them in an Oxford way. You can use them in any way that makes sense.

**Craig:** The Oxford way is sensible.

**John:** Often using commas and whether you use them to break off any kind of phrase. If I’m going through and editing someone else’s script, I will move commas all the time and realize that’s just pointless, because they’re just using commas the way they use commas.

**Craig:** We aren’t writing articles for the New Yorker where there’s a style guide, although I will say that Mrs. Gilligan’s comma lessons in high school have stayed with me. I think about the proper, correct, and orthodox use of commas all the time.

**John:** Profanity. Is it a spaceship or a giant effing spaceship? Just how often are you using the F word and other words in your script is very distinctive. In the JJ Abrams universe, all those Lost scripts, they will use a lot of that. They’re very punchy and loud and take you by the shoulders and shake you. That’s just the style. If you’re writing in one of those shows, you should write in that style, because otherwise, it’s going to feel wrong for the show.

**Craig:** That must be really difficult to do. I’ve never had to do that to write in someone else’s actual on-the-page style. I can see how that would be very tricky to do. Then it also implies one reason why showrunners have to then run everything through their own typewriter, even if it’s minimally about let’s say improving things. Sometimes you just need to conform it.

**John:** That was the point that Dara was making there and what I’ll link to, is that especially that first script you turn in as a staff writer on a show needs to look as much like the showrunner’s script as possible, so they read this and they can actually read it without having to just immediately go, “This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong.” They can actually read it like it’s their own script. That’s tough, but you gotta do it.

**Craig:** I’m imagining me reading a script for my show that wasn’t at all like my scripts, and I’m starting to sweat. It’s bad.

**John:** How characters see events within a scene. Do they clock them, spot them, notice them, spy them? There’s various choices you can make. Nothing’s wrong.

**Craig:** It’s okay to be repetitive or, I don’t know, self-copying there, because that stuff’s not going to be on screen literally. If it helps you to fall back on some phrases that work for you and help define for the reader what you see, that’s great. Try and avoid repeating them within the same script, but if you have some go-tos, there’s nothing wrong with that.

**John:** Transitions, is it a cut-to for every new scene or do cut-tos mostly go away? Just style. Also, I think cut-tos tend to vanish because we want to get pages shorter, but it’s really whatever you need to do.

Paragraph length. What is the upper limit in terms of numbers of lines? On this podcast, often in our Three Page Challenges, we’re urging people to keep those paragraphs short. Three lines or less is great for a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean they all have to be that way. David Koepp writes giant blocks of text.

**Craig:** He does.

**John:** It happens. It works.

**Craig:** He’s great. He’s great. I think we’ve probably said it so many times that it is maybe finally sinking in, although I doubt it, among all the people out there. All these things, there are I wouldn’t call best practices as much as better practices. Nothing that we do can make bad good, and nothing that we do can make good bad. That’s the deal. If it’s good, it’s okay to have that long paragraph if that’s the way you vibe.

Going back to the paragraph that Todd Field puts on the preface page of Tár, that is how many… It is a brick of text. One, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ten-line paragraph. That’s not three lines or fewer. I loved reading that paragraph, because it was good.

**John:** Good paragraph. Finally, and this is probably I think a thing I can definitely notice from one writer to another, is how to handle simultaneous or overlapping dialog. Are they doing side-by-sides a lot, or are they doing a parenthetical for overlapping? Are they just making it clear that stuff is overlapping in the scene description around it?

There’s not one precise, right way to do it. Writers can get incredibly granular. When Greta Gerwig was on, she puts a slash in the first character’s dialog where the next character is going to be overlapping them. It’s incredibly precise. A lot of times, I’ll just say “overlapping” and I won’t worry about doing side-by-sides. It’s going to work in the moment.

**Craig:** I use the side-by-side, but I rarely, very rarely do simultaneous dialog. That’s not because I think it’s wrong. It’s basically stylistically, and perhaps this reflects the way you and I have these discussions, I like when people aren’t talking over each other, and other writers love when people are talking over each other. That’s okay. It’s a tonal thing. Similarly, how many words per sentence do characters say?

**John:** Exactly.

**Craig:** Some people really love having characters talk at length. Tarantino will have characters talk at length at times. Other people listen quietly. They do not interrupt. Go to Samuel Beckett and read Waiting for Godot. There are just strips of pages where Vladimir and Estragon are saying two lines two words each, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. That’s part of the fingerprint.

**John:** We had Taffy Brodesser-Akner on the show. The dialog for Fleishman Is in Trouble, those are long lines. It’s not just that people have a lot of lines together. One of their lines could be much, much, much longer of a sentence than I would ever feel comfortable doing. It works because it works and because she has really good actors who can pull it off. There’s no right or wrong. You could recognize Taffy’s writing from someone else’s writing. It’d be hard to write in Taffy’s style.

**Craig:** It should be. That’s part of the sign that your style is unique, and therefore you are expressing your voice, is that other people… You can maybe do a goof version of it, a satire, but you can’t do it. If anyone could do it, then anyone would do it.

**John:** Let’s talk about situations where we have had to rewrite somebody or choose not to rewrite somebody and actually just blend in, because a lot of times, as feature writers, we would get scripts, and sometimes we are doing a massive overhaul on something. I’m like, “Okay, I see these scenes here. I’m the showrunner. Everything’s going through my typewriter. I’m going to put out a new thing that is in my voice. I’m going to clean it up and make things consistent.”

In some cases, I think that was helpful, because I wasn’t the second writer, I was the seventh writer, and there was a bunch of little pace jobs [inaudible 00:49:52] it wasn’t reading like one document. It was sometimes just me running through the whole thing. It just was a much better read for me having done that. In other cases, I’m just doing two scenes here. It’s doing no one any favors for me to try to change things or make this feel different.

I’ve had to adapt to people’s styles. I’ve done more things in caps than I would’ve put in uppercase, because that’s the rest of the script. What’s been your experience?

**Craig:** All over the place.

**John:** Exactly.

**Craig:** Honestly, all over the place. Sometimes, more often than not, when I’m doing the kind of work you’re describing, there’s also some preexisting work. A lot of these things, most movies that come out have either a preexisting film because they’re a sequel or they’re based on something, and so there’s other work that you can look back on and investigate.

I don’t really get too worked up over how I do the things that aren’t spoken or aren’t on screen. The things that are spoken and are on screen, I try and stay consistent within the character. Sometimes, the reason that you’re there is because people aren’t happy with the voice, or you can also come and say…

As you’re saying, there’s this patchwork quilt, and someone has to make it all seem like it was from one mind. That is a challenge. It’s a challenge to do something like that without… The phrase I use is, sometimes you have to pull permits, it’s that kind of work, and sometimes you don’t. When you have to pull permits, that means we’re going to be doing quite a bit here. Then you have to undo a lot. It depends on the situation. The spectrum is rather broad for those jobs.

**John:** I’m thinking of once doing a job where the first half of the script was really great. I really did not want to touch any of it. There were some real significant things that needed to change in the second half. I had to make a choice, like am I going to go back and rewrite all this first half so it’s going to match what I’m doing for the second half, or am I just going to write this new stuff in the style of the first one?

It was a challenge to do, but it actually made sense. Hopefully, the characters’ voices I was able to be consistent, which is great, because we didn’t want to touch those. Even just the scene description making it just feel like it was one thing, that there wasn’t a sudden change in how the whole thing read and felt. Even examples of keeping whatever, their INT period versus INT not period style, sure, I’ll do that. I wanted it to feel like it was the same writer the whole way through.

**Craig:** If there’s a very idiosyncratic, clear style going on, I’m not going to be a jerk and just start doing… I’m not going to go through and be like, “Okay, first things first, all these two spaces after the period have to turn into one space.” That’s just evil, so I try not to do those things.

**John:** Obviously, the last thing is if you’re in a situation where you’re generating changed pages with stars in the margins, you’re going to be much more conservative about making that kind of stuff, because you’re not going to release a new page just because you’ve changed two dashes into a long hyphen. No one wants that.

**Craig:** No one.

**John:** No one wants that. What people do want are One Cool Things.

**Craig:** Segue Man.

**John:** It’s time for that. I referenced this earlier. This is an article by Adam Mastroianni on his Substack, called Good Conversations Have Lots of Doorknobs. He’s really talking about how in a conversation, you tend to have givers and takers. Givers are people who put a lot of stuff out. Takers are people who are just receiving stuff in.

**Craig:** Interesting.

**John:** There’s an improv quality to a conversation, where you’re yes, and-ing and you’re keeping the ball up in the air. When you have two givers, that can be sometimes a little bit frustrating, because it can feel like no one’s actually receiving. If you have two takers, no one is actually throwing a ball out there to get things going.

What I liked about his discussion is, it’s not just diagnosing the problem but offering some solutions, which is basically affordances, which are the big, easily graspable doorknobs of the conversation. His example of an affordance, if you ask the question, “Why do you think you and your brother turned out so differently?” There’s a lot of possible answers to that. You would have to see how it goes on.

No affordance would be, “How many of your grandparents are still alive?” That’s a number. It doesn’t invite a further discussion. You can take that, “How many of your grandparents are still alive?” and do some judo on it to send it back through, to say, “Both my grandparents are still alive, which has really been remarkable because of this, because I can do these things, and I have these insights,” but it’s tougher.

Just always be thinking in a conversation, next time you’re at a party or whatever, Megana, as you’re getting another virus, think about how do you say things in a way that invites the person to build upon that, rather than just letting it drop there.

**Craig:** I love just this drive-by shooting of Megana, like that’s her problem.

**John:** All the parties she goes to.

**Craig:** I really like this a lot. What it’s prompting for me is how useful this concept is for people who are on the autism spectrum, because this is exactly the kind of… We lump these things into so-called social skills. Social skills is such a broad term it’s almost useless. There’s also this weird judgey-ness to that phrase that I don’t love. What I love about this is, if somebody has a hyper-analytical mind, this is a way for them to understand why certain things are more engaging and more interesting for other people, because that’s something that sometimes people on the spectrum have trouble with. I’m definitely giving this to my kid. I think she’ll be really interested in this. I think she’ll like this.

**John:** The other thing I would say is that everything that applies to real-life dialog applies to movie dialog as well. As you’re writing dialog scenes, be thinking about naturally you are doing this as a writer anyway. It may be helpful to think about how you are letting this character get to the next thing out of that character, the next thing out of this character, and by the same token, are they deliberately not doing that, and is that part of the frustration and conflict of the scene.

**Craig:** That’s a great point. This is really useful for thinking about characters, because we don’t want our characters to be fully actualized. All the foibles are what make them interesting. If somebody is trying to chat up a girl at the bar and he asks a dead-end question or as Adam calls it, no affordance, then it’s interesting. You can see the other person struggling with that. I love this. It’s very insightful.

**John:** Craig, in the second episode of your show, there’s a moment early on where Joel is having a conversation. They’re in that-

**Craig:** Salon.

**John:** … salon, and they’re having a conversation. He gives up on the conversation. I really liked that moment, because it felt true to conversations that I don’t see very often, where a person just buries their last line, like, “I guess I’m done talking, but nothing’s really resolved for me.” That felt like a situation that I just hadn’t seen so often on film.

**Craig:** I’m glad you liked it. Joel is a really interesting character to write, because how much he decides to say… He mostly doesn’t talk. It’ll be interesting for people I think if the season goes on, if they’re watching. He’s not going to always not talk. Let’s put it that way. It’s impactful when he does. When he starts talking, it’s impactful.

**John:** What do you have for us?

**Craig:** My One Cool Thing is The Case of the Golden Idol. Now this is a game that normally I wouldn’t be playing, because it’s not on iOS. It is currently on Steam. Neil Druckmann, my partner in crime over at The Last of Us, urged me to get the Steam Deck. Are you familiar with the Steam Deck?

**John:** Tell me what the Steam Deck is.

**Craig:** Steam Deck is a handheld game console, not dissimilar from say the handheld Switch, that is designed to tie into your Steam account and play Steam games. You can play them handheld. It’s got a touchscreen. The touchscreen isn’t iPad quality. It doesn’t need to be. It’s got multiple joysticks and buttons and other buttons and trigger buttons. It can basically cover the control system of any game. It’s very portable.

I bought it and played this game that Neil loves, called The Case of the Golden Idol, and now I love it. It’s fascinating. It’s one of those retro style games that’s very much about the pixel art, which generally I hate, because I’m like, I grew up with that crap.

**John:** We’ve moved on.

**Craig:** I want good graphics. It’s this very strange concept. Each chapter, there are 12 of them, is a murder has taken place. They’re all loosely connected by the story of this golden idol, which is cursed, clearly. Typically, each murder situation has two or three screens of stuff. On each one of them, there are clickable areas where you can just start collecting information. What you have to do is piece together what happened based on all the clues and bits of information that are there. You have to figure out who is this person, what’s his name, what’s her name, and what have they done and what is this and blah blah blah.

It gets increasingly challenging, to the point where sometimes I’m just sitting there just staring at this thing for 40 minutes, going, “What am I missing?” Then when you finally get it, you’re like, “Ah!” It’s a lot of fun. If you have Steam, check out The Case of the Golden Idol. If you have a Steam Deck, certainly do. I think it plays very nicely on that device.

**John:** Cool. Nice. Exciting.

**Craig:** Great.

**John:** That is our show for this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Megana Rao.

**Craig:** Who?

**John:** It’s edited by Matthew Chilelli.

**Craig:** Don’t know him.

**John:** Our outro this week is by Luke Yoquinto, who discovered this in the score to Coming to America by Nile Rodgers. What we’re playing is actually a clip from the score to Coming to America, but it actually has the Scriptnotes theme in it. We have time-traveled back to put it into existing movie scores.

**Craig:** Well done.

**John:** If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions. We have T-shirts and they’re great. You can find them at Cotton Bureau. You’ll find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s also where you’ll find transcripts and sign up for our weeklyish newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. You can sign up to become a Premium Member at scriptnotes.net, where you get all the back-episodes and Bonus Segments, like the one we’re about to record on advice to a producer. Craig, Megana, thank you so much for a fun show.

****Megana:**** Thank you.

**Craig:** Thank you.

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** Craig, here’s what I have. A friend of a friend is a producer in the UK and has a project for which he’s brought on a writer. The project is based on a true story. It’s required a lot of research. This is a relatively new writer but a really good writer who’s from the region, been doing the research, and everything’s very promising. The problem is the producer’s just not getting a draft out of this writer. He’s waiting. There’s whole machineries that it really looks like this movie could happen, but he needs a script.

The producer emailed me just to say, “Hey, do you have any advice for how I should not be an asshole but get the writer to deliver this script? The writer has had a lot of personal issues and things going on in their life that’s made it incredibly difficult. How do we do this?” I wrote back with some of my advice. I’m curious what your advice might be for this producer on how to get this draft out of this writer and what you think might be going on.

**Craig:** There could be all sorts of things going on. At the end of the day, is the writer being paid?

**John:** The writer’s being paid.

**Craig:** No matter what’s going on in our lives, if we are being paid, we are professional by definition, which means we have to behave professionally, which means we either hit our deadlines or we sit down with the employer and we say, “Here’s what’s going on in my life. Here’s why I can’t go through that deadline. I’m giving you the choice now of what to do. I would like to continue. I would like extra time so I can do my job. I need to let you know that this is what’s going on, because it changes the arrangement.” That’s how a professional handles things. It doesn’t sound like this writer is necessarily handling these things professionally. That doesn’t mean that I’m not incredibly sympathetic to whatever problems they’re having. I am, but it’s a job.

The question that I would ask the producer is, do you think that this writer is changeable or not, because there are some writers that it doesn’t matter what you do, they have a rhythm and a process that is unaffectable by you, the moon, anything. Nothing will ever change it. They are as they are. The only question that you have to ask yourself as a producer is, is it worth it or not, because that’s nothing I can do about this. It’s like I’m yelling at clouds.

If it seems like they are the kind of writer that would respond to change, then I think it’s fair to say, “Okay, because this is a professional relationship, I have to create boundaries. The boundary is I need a script by this date, which is already beyond the date that we agreed on. If it doesn’t come in by that date, I’m going to have to talk to another writer.”

**John:** I think ultimately you need to get to that ultimatum and to that point where it makes it clear. I think there are some steps before you get to that point that could be useful. That’s what I urged the producer to start at.

First off, to understand from the writer’s perspective, the writer feels shitty. I think the writer is aware that they’re late and that they’re holding things up, and they feel bad about it. Feeling bad about it is not helping them write the scripts. They’re not a writer who it seems that that bad feeling is motivating. It seems maybe it’s the opposite. Being late is not helping them get it written.

I think they may also be having a problem that they’re not willing to tell you about, which is that they may be struggling with a script with a story in ways that they are embarrassed about. They just cannot figure it out. They could probably use someone, either you or somebody else, to just talk to about what’s going on, because they may have lost hope or faith or any joy in writing it. That may be really the issue here.

Going back earlier in the episode, we talked about script consultants or that kind of thing. I think you may need to find some other writer who can sit down with them to talk to them about what it is that they’re writing, what’s exciting about it to them, where the problems are, and see if you can get a little of that shaken out.

There could also just be some actual… You’re saying this writer has some struggles in their life. You may need to help provide some structure for their writing time, which basically is like, “Would it help if I got you an office for a month? That way you could just come in on a daily basis and sit down and do your work, because maybe something’s going on at home that is making it really tough for you to write in your normal space.”

Just be aware that there could be some other way you’re going to be able to get them to do the thing. I would try those things first before bringing out the stick of, “If I don’t have it by this date, I’m going to have to cut you off.”

**Craig:** Certainly, it’s nothing anybody wants, but there are people that just need the structure of consequence. It’s not evil consequence. It’s not unjustified consequence. They just need to know that this is there. There are situations, again, where you may say to yourself, “I have a madman genius on my hands, and I need to just let him go through this insanity, and what’s going to happen on the other end is something great.”

One of the things that I’ve always tried to stress to people I worked with is, if I say I need eight weeks, and you’re telling me you really want it in six weeks, what you’re saying is two weeks of time is more important than you getting it right.

My response is always, those two weeks are going to cost you so much more time than two weeks, because if you get something that’s unworkable, unsellable, unproducable, unshootable, guess what? You’re back to square one. You’re going to have to start all over again anyway. First, you’re going to have to find another writer. That takes time. Then they’re going to have to do it. Then they’re going to run into trouble. You have to do the math in your head. One of the most frustrating parts of being a producer is how you are accountable to the outcome, but you are not in control of the outcome.

**John:** For sure.

**Craig:** That’s tricky.

**John:** Craig, you’re talking about estimating the time it’s going to take you to do a thing. You’re an experienced screenwriter who’s been through this. You’ve written 50 scripts. This writer probably hasn’t and probably has a very limited ability to estimate how long it’s going to take them to do that work. That may be a situation too.

It looks like the producer has actually been able to read some stuff that the writer has done on the project, which is why the producer’s so excited to have the writer finish it, because it’s apparently really good.

I think one of the things that may be important in this conversation is to really stress to the writer how much you love what they’ve delivered so far, because sometimes writing feels hopeless. Just putting that hope back in there can really do it.

I definitely can remember meetings where I’ve been really bummed about a project, I go into it, and then in that discussion something comes up that’s like, “Oh yeah, now I’m actually genuinely excited to write this thing that I was dreading this morning.” That does turn around.

**Craig:** One bit of practical advice that I would suggest is to maybe, since currently most days I suspect the writer is writing zero pages, say to the writer, “Okay, here’s the plan we’re putting you on, and you must do it. Every day, Monday through Friday, you must write one page. That’s it.” You’ve now reduced the burden and the expectation, which can be crushing sometimes, down to something that seems very achievable. One page. One.

What will happen, almost always, is that once the writer starts writing their one page, they will end up three or four pages later. It’s how our minds work. It’s the starting that is so hard. If you can just give them this, because even if they write one page a day, five pages a week, in a couple of months, you’re going to be doing just fine, and certainly better than you’re doing now anyway. Maybe just smallifying things might help.

**John:** Megana, what perspectives are we missing here? Anything that is striking you as you listen to this?

**Craig:** Actually…

****Megana:**** No. I think you’re right. I love the advice that you gave about encouraging this writer, because I just remember when I was in college, I had a roommate who was a real perfectionist and was not sending their thesis advisor the chapters or whatever that they needed to be doing and was just getting herself into such a hole of perfection and misery and doubt. I was like, “You’re smart. I’m sure that the work is fine and good enough.” I think sometimes with a screenplay, it’s this big thing to figure out. I worry that this person is just in a shame spiral. I love the tactics that you offer this producer to help them out of that.

**John:** On the second Arlo Finch book, I fell behind. I was running late to deliver my first draft. Again, as a professional, I did reach out to my editor and say, “Hey, I’m running behind. Let me talk to you about what the problem is.” She’s like, “Okay, I get this. Let’s make a plan for how you’re going to finish it. Basically, why don’t you take two or three days to just outline the rest of this, figure out what those problems are going to be, and how you’re going to be able to deliver this on time. We’ll reset all the rest of the deadlines to make this work.” Starting that conversation was incredibly stressful, but at the end of it, I just felt such a relief, because I didn’t feel so trapped.

It’s possible this screenwriter feels trapped and stuck. They worry they’re not going to be able to deliver anything that’s going to nearly good enough or to do the job whatsoever. Having that conversation, being that editor in that situation, could be the way out.

**Craig:** That’s good advice.

**John:** Cool. Thanks, guys.

**Craig:** Thank you.

****Megana:**** Thank you.

**John:** Bye.

Links:

* Scriptnotes episodes with 2023 Oscar Nominees [Sarah Polley](https://johnaugust.com/2023/the-one-with-sarah-polley), [Rian Johnson](https://johnaugust.com/2022/rian-johnson-returns), [Daniels](https://johnaugust.com/2022/the-daniels), [Pamela Ribon](https://johnaugust.com/2018/holiday-live-show-2018)
* [Weekend Read Beta](https://testflight.apple.com/join/zDf4Fw9c) Try it out — now updated with all FYC scripts!
* [Writing in another writer’s style](https://johnaugust.com/2014/writing-in-another-writers-style) on John’s blog with advice from [Dara Resnick Creasey](https://twitter.com/BadassMomWriter)
* [Algorithms were able to figure out that Robert Galbraith was JK Rowling](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/how-did-computers-uncover-jk-rowlings-pseudonym-180949824/)
* [Good Conversations Have Lots of Doorknobs](https://experimentalhistory.substack.com/p/good-conversations-have-lots-of-doorknobs) by Adam Mastroianni
* [The Case of The Golden Idol](https://www.thegoldenidol.com) game
* [Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!](https://cottonbureau.com/people/scriptnotes-podcast)
* [Check out the Inneresting Newsletter](https://inneresting.substack.com/)
* [Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/gifts) or [treat yourself to a premium subscription!](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/)
* [Craig Mazin](https://twitter.com/clmazin) on Twitter
* [John August](https://twitter.com/johnaugust) on Twitter
* [John on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/johnaugust/?hl=en)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Luke Yoquinto, who discovered it in the score to Coming to America by Nile Rodgers ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* Scriptnotes is produced by [Megana Rao](https://twitter.com/MeganaRao) and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/585standard.mp3).

The One with Patton Oswalt

February 28, 2023 Books, Film Industry, Scriptnotes, Talk, Transcribed

John and Craig welcome comedian, actor, writer and Jeopardy! champion Patton Oswalt to discuss joke structure and building standup specials. Patton pulls back the curtain on his writing process, how he develops a comedic premise, and earning an audience’s trust.

We also dissect M.O.D.O.K., punching up other people’s scripts, and the art of adaptation. We then answer a listener’s question about writing films that include standup comedy.

In our bonus segment for premium members, we discuss characters who keep secrets for no reas– there’s no time to explain!

Links:

* [Patton Oswalt](https://pattonoswalt.com/) on [IMDb](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0652663/), [Twitter](https://twitter.com/pattonoswalt) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/pattonoswalt/)
* [“Wackity Schmackity Doo!” from Patton Oswalt’s Werewolves and Lollipops](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stuFuQOaHzM)
* [Animation of Patton’s “Christmas Shoes” joke](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq10bz3PxyY)
* [“The Ham Incident” from Patton Oswalt’s Finest Hour](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOyAlOWPuoY)
* [M.O.D.O.K.](https://www.hulu.com/series/202e4b17-c57e-4a2d-9c1d-342e3a092a22) on Hulu
* [Silver Screen Fiend](https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Silver-Screen-Fiend/Patton-Oswalt/9781451673227) by Patton Oswalt
* [Clinical Practice Guideline for the Evaluation and Treatment of Children and Adolescents With Obesity](https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/151/2/e2022060640/190443/Clinical-Practice-Guideline-for-the-Evaluation-and?autologincheck=redirected) by the American Academy of Pediatrics
* [Dracula: The Evidence](https://shop.beehivebooks.com/products/dracula) by [Beehive Books](https://beehivebooks.com/)
* [Melanie Lynskey answers questions for Dear Prudence](https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/01/melanie-lynskey-dear-prudence-advice-week.html)
* [Murderers’ Row – Melanie Lynskey](https://vimeo.com/244123581) by Scout Tafoya
* [The Unloved](https://www.rogerebert.com/mzs/the-unloved-part-110-tank-girl) by Scout Tafoya for RogerEbert.com
* [Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!](https://cottonbureau.com/people/scriptnotes-podcast)
* [Check out the Inneresting Newsletter](https://inneresting.substack.com/)
* [Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/gifts) or [treat yourself to a premium subscription!](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/)
* [Craig Mazin](https://www.instagram.com/clmazin/) on Instagram
* [John August](https://twitter.com/johnaugust) on Twitter
* [John on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/johnaugust/?hl=en)
* [John on Mastodon](https://mastodon.art/@johnaugust)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Timothy Lenko ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* Scriptnotes is produced by [Drew Marquardt](https://www.instagram.com/marquardtam/) and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/589Standard.mp3).

**UPDATE 4-11-23** The transcript for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2023/scriptnotes-episode-589-the-one-with-patton-oswalt-transcript).

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