• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

John August

  • Arlo Finch
  • Scriptnotes
  • Library
  • Store
  • About

Scriptnotes Transcript

Scriptnotes, Episode 641: What Characters Know, Transcript

June 14, 2024 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2024/what-characters-know).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** You are listening to Episode 641 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Today on the show, what do your characters know, and how do we know if they know it? We’ll stare in the epistemological looking glass and offer some guidance on building characters who feel appropriately informed. We’ll also look at TV ad breaks and what they’ve become in the age of streaming shows that may or may not have predetermined act breaks. We’ll also answer some listener questions, and in our Bonus Segment for Premium Members, what should you do when meeting a famous person, and what should you not do? Craig?

**Craig:** I did not get the memo that we’re being British.

**John:** We’re being very British on the podcast today for no good reason.

**Craig:** I’ll do it for the entire time. Just curious why.

**John:** Some mornings I wake up and I’m just channeling the spirit of Claire Foy. Claire Foy is still alive, and yet Claire Foy’s voice as the Queen in The Crown just seeps into my body, and I just want to channel that Claire Foy energy.

**Craig:** We’re doing Received Pronunciation. That would be very, very appropriate.

**John:** Extreme Received Pronunciation.

**Craig:** Oh, so RP. We’re so RP, darling.

**John:** So RP. It’s just fantastic. We’re not required to keep doing it, but it’s just fun sometimes to just be in that space-

**Craig:** Absolutely.

**John:** … be in that voice. I remember when I got to college, this young woman said, “What is your accent? I like it, but what is your accent?” I’d really had no idea, but later I realized it’s just closeted gay kid. That was my accent.

**Craig:** Yes, there is a gay accent.

**John:** Striving gay kid.

**Craig:** Oh my god, that’s so specific. What a specific dialect. Striving gay kid. I like that. Did we talk about that documentary about gay voice?

**John:** I think we did.

**Craig:** It is interesting. It’s a thing.

**John:** I think that documentary was Do I Sound Gay?

**Craig:** Do I Sound Gay?, yeah, I think that’s what it was. But then there’s the RP version. Do I Sound Gay? Do I?

**John:** Yeah, is it gay or British? It’s hard for people to distinguish at times.

**Craig:** There are so many reasons that our British listeners are angry at us right now. I work with a lot of British people, like British actors who are doing American accents, like Bella Ramsey. We also have British directors. We’ll do our versions. “Here’s my London. Here’s my East London. Here’s my Northern England. Here’s my this.” There are people who are amazing at accents, there are people who are decent, and then there are people who are horrible. I was talking with Mark Mylod, incredible, multi-award-winning director. He said, “I can’t do the American accent. I can’t do it at all.” I’m like, “Oh, sure you can.” Have you heard when British people do a bad American accent?

**John:** Oh, it’s so bad.

**Craig:** It sort of sounds like this. This is how they do. I was like, “Oh, do it. It’ll probably be that.” He said something like, “I’m going to… ” It was like a monster.

**John:** It’s because he’s trying to go rhotic. He’s trying to put his R’s back in, and that’s a way to do it.

**Craig:** There’s an attitude, like (monstrous noises). I was weeping laughing, because it’s incredible.

**John:** Amazing.

**Craig:** It was incredible. Loved it.

**John:** Loved it so much. I was talking to a dialect coach yesterday. He often works with actors who get the audition requests for, “Okay, you’re going in on this accent,” and they’re like, “Crap, I need to quickly get up to speed on that.” One of his frustrations, which I can totally understand, is that the breakdown will say New Jersey or Brooklyn or this thing, and that’s not actually a real thing. Basically, the New Jersey accent is an Italian American accent, so it’s not specific to New Jersey. It’s really specific to a cultural group. But they don’t want to say the cultural group, so they’ll put it on a region. People in Brooklyn don’t actually speak with that Brooklyn accent anymore.

**Craig:** Not anymore. My parents did, and my mom still does. They’re not Italian. It’s a different vibe than the Sopranos style. There’s just a different kind of thing going on there. New Jersey has about 12 accents. The weirdest one, although probably the most common one, is the Bruce Springsteen, Central/Southern Jersey. It’s sort of Philly. It’s sort of country. It’s a weird one. It’s a really weird one.

**John:** It’s a really weird one.

**Craig:** We’re going down to get a hoagie. Anyway, that’s our show.

**John:** That’s our show. It’s I think really good. As always, our show was produced by Drew Marquardt and-

**Craig:** Drew Marquardt.

**John:** Drew Marquardt and-

**Craig:** Marquardt.

**John:** … edited by Matthew Chilelli. Before we get to the wrap-up, we have some follow-up. In Episode 637, we talked about AI transcription and specifically we wondered whether our own transcriptions for our show, which we’ve done since the very beginning, were currently being done by a human or if they were just humanized versions of AI transcriptions. We have an answer. Drew, help us out.

**Drew Marquardt:** Our very own transcriptionist, Dima Cass, wrote in, says, “Hey, y’all. I’m Dima, a real human, and I’ve been happily transcribing Scriptnotes for over two years, since Episode 536. I actually just hit 100 episodes. I transcribe everything from scratch as opposed to using any AI. I have, quote unquote, ‘humanized’ AI transcripts for other jobs, but I personally find it time-consuming and tedious. I imagine there would be a lot of editing involved if Scriptnotes used AI transcription, because John speaks rather quickly-”

**John:** I do.

**Drew:** “… almost blending words together sometimes, while Craig tends to make sound effects and use different accents.”

**Craig:** Look who’s using different accents today, Dima.

**Drew:** “You also often discuss pronunciation, which is sometimes a difficult thing to capture in written words.”

**Craig:** Oh, boy.

**Drew:** Which I’ll say Dima does a great job doing. “I’ve been doing transcription for a decade now, and AI has actually taken some of my jobs over the past year. The current trend is that entities will hire transcribers for half the price and have them touch up AI transcripts. It’s similar to what’s happening with script coverage work.

“I know most people don’t enjoy transcribing, but I’m one of the strange few who does. I learn a lot and it fits my lifestyle as an introverted, neurodivergent queer person living in the Bible Belt. Thankfully there are still some fields of transcription in which humans are still preferred over AI, for instance in legal proceedings where every detail is very important.”

**John:** That’s awesome.

**Craig:** Then Dima sent a photo of themself “squinting in a huge field of tulips as further proof I am a human.” Yeah, Dima’s a human being. There’s a real Dima, unless AI… That does sound like an AI prompt, doesn’t it?

**John:** I will say, this is Dima posing in this field of perfectly lit-up flowers. It could be an AI backdrop. Tell me that doesn’t look like it could be an AI backdrop.

**Craig:** I just think, “Dall-E, create neurodivergent queer person in Bible Belt squinting, huge field of tulips.” I love the cardinal shirt. He’s got a shirt with a cardinal on it. Dima, thank you for doing this. It’s really nice to meet you. I’m very glad that you’re a human being. Look, let’s face it. Everybody knows that John makes the decisions around here, but to the extent that I get a vote, I vote that we never use AI and we always use a person to do this.

**John:** Yeah, I think it’s great. There’s subtleties that a human being is gonna understand about what’s important and what’s not important. Dima does the transcripts. Drew reads through the transcripts to make sure they fit what we want, gets them posted up there. We started doing the transcripts early on just for accessibility, because we have folks who are deaf or hard of hearing and need to be able to read it. It’s better for them. But then other people who don’t have those conditions also benefit from the transcripts. And it also means we can Google search and find if we ever talked about the thing we’re thinking about talking about, because we probably did. So transcripts are good.

**Craig:** I love the fact that we have transcripts. I myself would vastly prefer to read through a transcript than listen to a pod… Oh, god, look what I just did to Dima. “Listen to a pod,” and then I cut off the word “podcast.” I’m now thinking about Dima all the time. Also, I get to say Dima is wonderful. And now Dima gets to transcribe “Dima is wonderful.” Thank you, Dima.

**John:** Good stuff. In Episode 637 we talked about gendered words in English. We had some feedback on that.

**Drew:** Adam Pineless wrote in, “Another interesting gendered word like fiancé or divorcé is blond, because blond for men is spelled without an E.”

**John:** That one I’m kind of willing to let go a bit, because it’s only when you’re using it as a noun that you do it that way. I get why it’s confusing for people to use it in English. It’s strange for us.

**Craig:** “Blonde” to me is actually in the same category as fiancé and divorcé, and that is French words that are gendered. “Blonde” is a French word. I was actually talking about this with Melissa the other day. People have basically stopped using “fiancé” with the single E to describe a male betrothed. Everyone just uses the two E’s now.

**John:** I see the opposite more often.

**Craig:** Oh, sorry. You’re right, you’re right. It’s the other way around. It’s that there’s only one E, right?

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** No one uses two E’s. Sorry. That’s exactly right. No one uses the two E’s. There was an interesting case where I thought about the word “née.” N-E-E we will see as born as.

**John:** Born as.

**Craig:** Typically, it was used for a woman who had taken her husband’s last name. Melissa is Melissa Mazin née Frye, and it’s N-E-E with the accent on the first E. But you never see “ne,” N-E. But now you can, now that we have marriage between men. Mike August could be Mike August ne, N-E, and then whatever his last name was. But I have a feeling that we’re never gonna see N-E.

**John:** I also haven’t heard people pronounce that aloud. But I bet there’s a whole generation of people who have seen that word but never pronounced it, and they’re gonna say née [nee], because we don’t know what to do with that thing.

**Craig:** Now we have a new thing that we need to… Look, maybe we lost the battle of begging the question, but we will not lose the battle over ne.

**John:** Of ne.

**Craig:** Never. Nay!

**John:** Never!

**Craig:** Nay, I say.

**John:** Craig, here’s a question for you. “She had blond hair.” Spell blond.

**Craig:** In that case, I would use not an E. I would go blond without an E.

**John:** I think that’s right. I think that most style guides will say that.

**Craig:** “She is a blonde,” I would use an E.

**John:** But should you even say “she is a blonde”?

**Craig:** Why not? “She is a redhead. She is a blonde. She is a brunette.” I have no problem with that. There’s a word for this. Synecdoche, is that it, where you take a part of what someone is and use it to describe the whole?

**John:** Charlie Kaufman could tell us that.

**Craig:** Synecdoche, I’m looking it up now. “A figure of speech in which a part is made to represent the whole.” I guess, yes, a blonde. Or a metonymy.

**John:** Fun. In Episode 635, you were talking about dialog and character voice, and we have feedback on that as well.

**Drew:** Matt Yang King writes, “I loved your discussion on character voice, but I noticed you guys were missing a huge resource. One of the major websites I use when wearing my acting hat is the International Dialects of English Archive. It’s an incredible asset for anyone who wants to know the flow and cadence of various different languages and how they’re spoken in English. Also, it’s hugely helpful in building a real, grounded character. Every person who speaks into the archives speaks from a common script, so that you learn how they pronounce similar vowels and consonants, and then they give a little talk on who they are.”

**Craig:** Wow.

**John:** You’re absolutely right. This is by Paul Meier. If you’re gonna do any accent work, you’re probably gonna do any accent work, you’re probably gonna pick up his book, Accents and Dialects for Stage and Screen, which I was working through this last year when I was studying dialect and accents. Independently, I also learned how to write stuff in the IPA, which you’re gonna see in this book as well. Really, really useful.

You wouldn’t want to stop at this website. You should go beyond that and look at YouTube and other places. But it is really handy that they are all speaking through the same script. You could get a sense of, like, oh, what does this person from Glasgow, what does it sound like when they’re speaking versus this person from Northern Ireland. It really is useful on that level.

**Craig:** This site is really cool. Just looking through it, I picked Africa, and then I picked Cameroon. There are three different audio examples of people from Cameroon at different times – they even list the year – speaking English, so that you can zero in on accents that granularly, which I think is fantastic.

**John:** Let’s take a listen to the first of these examples here. This is Cameroon 1. It’s a 32-year-old man from Kumba, Cameroon.

**Man From Cameroon:** Well, here’s a story for you. Sarah Perry was a veterinary nurse who had been working daily at an old zoo in a deserted district of the territory, so she was very happy to start a new job at a superb private practice in North Square near the Duke Street Tower.

**John:** Great. They’re gonna be reading through the same script. You heard him rolling his R’s. He had a trill on his R’s, which is really interesting.

**Craig:** There is a specific thing going on there that is a little bit surprising to me. We do hear this kind of generic African English dialect, which that doesn’t sound far off from it, but there are very specific things going on. I thought it would be a little bit more French, more French-ish, because it’s Cameroon. But the point is, this is a great website. You can go and listen to all these things and avoid either just being wrong or being generic.

**John:** The other thing I would recommend people take a listen to is Accent Tag, which is a series of YouTube videos. Basically, just follow the hashtag #accenttag, and it’s people who do read through a similar script, and then they talk about their lives a little bit. They’re reading through also how they pronounce certain words, which can be really funny just to hear how vastly different it is and sometimes how unaware they are about the choices that they’re making, because people say, “I don’t trill my R’s at all,” and of course they’re trilling every one of them.

**Craig:** I’m gonna start trilling my-

**John:** Trilling.

**Craig:** Tapping the R’s.

**John:** Little tap there. Great stuff. I encourage people to take a look at that. That is dialectsarchive.com.

**Craig:** Very cool.

**John:** Our main topic here, this was prompted by a couple different things that happened this past week. Before we hopped on the Zoom for D&D this week, we were talking with Kevin, our friend who was on Jeopardy. I wanted to know specifically, when he was ringing the buzzer, did he always know the answer to the question. Craig, what do you think? Did Kevin always know the answer as he buzzed in?

**Craig:** I’m gonna say no. I’m gonna say yes and no. I’m gonna say that there was a part of his brain that knew that he knew the answer before the answer appeared, and that was the part of the brain that was buzzing in. And then there was a second for the answer to actually make its way from one section of the brain to the other. How close am I?

**John:** I think that’s pretty close. He said he mostly knew the answer. But really, I think what was so fascinating about the conversation, it really came down to what does it even mean to know a thing. Are you buzzing because you know it or because you think you will know it in time? Kevin described situations where they record Jeopardy, and six months later it shows up on TV. He’s watching the episodes that he was in. A question would come up, and he wouldn’t know the answer, but then the Kevin who was on screen got the answer right.

**Craig:** Whoa.

**John:** What does it even mean to know the answer to something? It’s very situational sometimes. You’re in the moment and you know it in the moment, but you don’t know it beyond that. I liked that as one aspect of knowing a thing.

But then also, during the D&D game, a thing happened which often happens in D&D, which is last week you encountered a new creature that none of you ever had seen before. It’s a Kruthik, and none of you had any idea what the hell this thing was. You asked, “Can I do a nature check to see if I know what this thing is?” And you rolled and you failed. You had no idea what it was. But then this past week, you encountered a troll. And you all know what a troll is, but would your characters know what a troll was? Again, we’re rolling dice to see do your characters know what this thing is and what its unique disadvantages are or abilities are.

**Craig:** One of the things that DMs deal with – you’re DM-ing now, so you have to deal with it – is metagaming. We all know lots of stuff. You play lots of campaigns. You meet things. Since we’re not in a game right now, and I know a lot about D&D, when we encounter a troll, I, Craig, know that trolls regenerate health, unless they take acid or fire damage, in which case they don’t. But it’s really important then for fair play and for fun play to deny your character that knowledge. There’s no reason for a character that doesn’t know about trolls to think, “You know what I should do? I should throw fire at it.” But if you deal with a troll and you learn that, then yeah. We have to do the same thing when we’re writing.

**John:** Yeah, that’s the point.

**Craig:** We know everything. But what do our characters know, and what should they not know, and how did they learn it? And also, what’s the knowledge gap between what the audience knows about a character and what they know about themselves?

**John:** Yeah, it’s tough, and it’s really like, what is the theory of knowledge that is informing the author, the piece, and the characters inside the piece, and the audience? There’s all these different things you’re trying to balance. You have no choice but to acknowledge the meta-game behind it all, because the audience is aware of things, because they’re aware of the genre, they have a sense of this, and they also have a theory of mind about what the characters inside this story should know or should not know.

An example will be, I’ve seen things happen in movies where I as the audience know something, and suddenly this character knows this thing, but I know that they could not know that. There was no opportunity for them to have learned this fact. We’re willing to forgive that or it seems natural if some time has progressed. But there was never that moment. They never got that call from the other character telling them that thing, so how do they know that this thing is possible? Those are things that screenwriters are always, back of your mind, thinking about, wondering about. What do the characters know about what’s going on? Do they have a sense of what genre of movie that they’re in? These are all challenges.

**Craig:** The converse is also a problem. I see this frequently, where you think, “Why are you willfully not knowing something?” It’s helpful, of course, to put obstacles in front of your characters, but if they are willfully not aware of something that they should be aware of because of what you’ve been watching, it’s incredibly frustrating. Similarly, it’s frustrating when characters withhold knowledge from each other for no reason whatsoever, other than that it will deny a scene from happening. If characters should be sharing information with each other, then they should share the information.

I have a particular sore spot with characters saying the following cliched line: “I want to show you something.” “What?” “Just trust me.” And then they show them a thing that they could’ve just described or mentioned. They could’ve said, “By the way, you need to know that the dog next door has two heads.” “What?” “Yeah. Come on, follow me.” It’s a frustrating thing. As we often say, anything that makes the audience stop and notice that they’re in a movie is harming the illusion we are intending to create.

**John:** The other vector we have to consider is, is this character specifically well informed about a subject or in general, because if so, we need to signal that pretty early on, or else it’s gonna be really frustrating when they suddenly have information, like, “How did they know this? I didn’t know that they were a doctor. I didn’t know that they were this kind of thing.” Or if they’re specifically uninformed, I think you need to clue that in to the audience quickly.

A thing that occurred to me in the office yesterday is a character who doesn’t seem to know anything about dogs at all would be surprising. You say, “How old is your dog? How old do you think he is?” “I don’t know, 30.” That’s absurd. Any reasonable person should know that dogs do not live to be 30, but that could be a really good character moment, as long as we’ve established that it’s plausible this character is that dumb.

**Craig:** If a character does say something like that, everyone should stop and say, “What?” and then grill that person on their stupidity, their weird knowledge gap. But you get one of those. You don’t get multiples, unless the point of the character is that they are absolutely idiotic.

**John:** Drew brought up in the office yesterday a good corollary example, which is, in Top Gun: Maverick, Maverick is a Navy pilot, but he doesn’t know anything about boats, and so he’s on the sailboat and has no idea how to sail at all. That’s good. That’s funny. I get that. It’s surprising, and yet it made sense for the character, and it was a good moment in the story.

**Craig:** Yeah. Navy pilots fly, and they land on boats, but they don’t sail, so that’s reasonable. That is a reasonable thing. It’s also a kind of thing that maybe some people wouldn’t necessarily be aware of, because they think of the Navy as boats, boats, boats. But yeah, I’d buy that completely.

**John:** We’re coming up with characters who are gonna be in our story. We have to be thinking, okay, what do they know, what are their subject areas, and then within the story, how much information do they have that the audience also is right there with them and knows, versus they’re ahead of the audience or the audience is a little bit ahead of them. Finding that balance is really tough.

There’s movies where characters know a lot more than the audience. Gone Girl comes to mind, where there’s a whole con being played on the audience, which is very important. But also Civil War, which I just saw this last week and really, really liked a lot, the characters in that movie know a lot more than the movie will ever tell us about what’s actually going on in the world. For me, it worked, because they’re not gonna talk about that stuff, because everybody around them knows it, so there’s no reason for them to discuss it. That was something that worked for me about that movie is they know really what happened that brought us to the Civil War, even though we as the audience never will.

**Craig:** One of the worst phrases you type in a screenplay is “as you know.”

**John:** Oh, god.

**Craig:** If you know it, why are you saying it? There is an unspoken contract that there are things that we both know. Now, how we get that to the audience can be difficult. Let’s acknowledge that for a second. The reason that “as you know” came into being is because sometimes two characters who both know a thing need to impart that to the audience somehow.

**John:** Now, Craig, I just want to point out, you just “as you know”-ed me to do that.

**Craig:** As you know.

**John:** As you know, as a screenwriter, but now we have to share it with the audience.

**Craig:** We have to share it with the podcast audience, yes, as you know. Now, as we know… I like that. That’s fun. We meta “as we know”-ed.

How do we do it? How do we get that information across? There are some good old-fashioned tips and tricks. The easiest and most obvious is bring a third party in who doesn’t know. There’s also a version where someone is saying, “Look, I went through the normal thing. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It didn’t work,” so that part of the way they’re imparting that information to their friend is, “It’s obvious to both of us, but the reason I’m running it down is because the outcome isn’t what we expected.” You have to come up with ways that feel naturalistic to share that information.

**John:** Some cases, you will be able to just show it directly to the audience, just actually show the thing and cut away from the characters doing the thing and actually put that information out there so the audience directly knows the thing that the characters inside the world would know. That’s great when it works, but it may not be the right choice for your movie. Some movies cling very closely to their characters. The camera feels like it’s right over their shoulder the whole time, and it wouldn’t be appropriate to cut away to something else to give that piece of information. But other ones are jumping all over the place. If you’re doing The Big Short, you could jump all over the place, because that’s the style of the movie, and you can talk about a thing. You can talk directly to the audience about a thing if you want to, because that’s the rules you’ve established for your world.

**Craig:** Yes. And even inside The Big Short, before they would get to the fourth wall breaking, where people would explain what a derivative was, you had Steve Carell’s character sitting with somebody, and he’s saying, “Okay, explain this to me, because I’m a finance guy, but this is a very specialized thing. You’re saying that blah blah blah blah blah?” And the guy’s like, “Yeah, and in fact, we then take these things and we repackage them into derivatives of derivatives.” And he’s like, “Wait, what?” And then you cut to somebody explaining. But you do have a character that we’re invested in who is asking questions and revealing that there are gaps in his knowledge, which makes sense, given what that story was, that people were literally finding out as this was happening, that these, I think, going to call them weapons of mass financial destruction had been created.

**John:** We’re gonna go back to our probably most cliché phrase on this podcast: specificity. But I think you also look for what is the specific conversation that these characters would be having that would reveal to the audience the thing we need them to know but would actually be necessary for the conversation for them to be having to move forward to do the next thing. That’s actually moving the scene forward, but in the context of moving the scene forward, will also provide this explanation and give the audience the knowledge they need to have to go forward.

**Craig:** That’s right. We have to think about how we do this on a day-to-day basis. There are times where you might say to somebody, “I arrested this guy. I brought him in. What do you think happened next?” And then the other character says A, B, C, D, and E. And the first guy says, A, B, C, D, and then not E, weirdly, H, because he’s setting this person up to make the story interesting, and in doing so, there’s our package of information. But it’s natural. We just have to make sure we don’t do that lazy thing of people just dumping information at us. And similarly, we can’t do the lazy thing where people are missing information. We’ve talked about the cellphone problem. If they had the information, now what?

**John:** What should also be clear is that there’s times where you don’t need to see all the connections being done, because you feel like enough time has passed that it’s naturally going to happen. I think through Succession. In a given episode of Succession, sometimes they’re really tight and it’s almost real time, but sometimes we’re covering a period of a couple weeks, and then, yeah, those communications were had, but I didn’t see them. But I believe that Logan knows that this thing is happening. All those pieces were put together behind the scenes. If you trust in the storytelling enough, you’re not gonna worry about how did this person find out this thing, because they spoke it. It’s gonna get through.

**Craig:** I have a personal thing. I don’t know. It’s part of my style, maybe. I don’t know. Part of my voice. But my thing is that there are times when people need to explain things to other people, and the best way to go about it is to just do it, to embrace the active explanation. We do explain things to each other all the time, so it’s okay, as long as the characters are acknowledging that that’s what’s happening.

Part of the problem with an elegant exposition is that people try to make it elegant. But here’s the deal. It’s either don’t be elegant and just say, “I am now gonna explain something,” or be elegant and don’t enough notice that the explanation happened. But anywhere in the middle, lame. It just comes out lame.

I personally have no problem embracing explanations. If you look at Chernobyl or if you look at The Last of Us, you’ll see scenes all the time where people are just saying, “Can you explain what happened?” and someone says, “Yes, here’s my… ” Now, explaining things is its own art. You have to be interesting when you explain things. The people who are explaining things have to be good at telling a story. That’s important.

**John:** But Craig, the examples you’re making, like Chernobyl in particular, those explanations are germane, because those characters really would be explaining those things to the other people around them. They were actually necessary to do, so it doesn’t feel forced on. Where our concern is is when characters are explaining things that don’t need to be explained within context of the world, that they’re just there for the audience so that the audience can be up to speed. That’s the real challenge. That’s where you need to search for elegant ways to get that information out there.

**Craig:** You need to be elegant. You can’t always have somebody explaining something. But when you have information that is actually interesting, then just do it, just explain it.

**John:** Another thing I think is crucial about these explanation scenes, when it is a straightforward explanation, is it doesn’t mean that all conflict stops. There needs to be something else that’s happening and that’s not just we’re on all the same page together. There has to be some urgency that’s getting you through the scene. Otherwise, we’ll be informed but we’ll be bored.

**Craig:** Correct. The scene must have a beginning and an end. And the beginning is not as important as the ending. The ending of these scenes cannot simply be, “All right. Now I know.” The ending of the scene needs to be personal. It needs to have some sense of a relationship. And it needs to explain why the information we received is relevant not only from a plot point of view but from a personal point of view. It must come back to the human being. Otherwise, it just floats there as info.

**John:** Yeah. A show I liked a lot on Netflix this last year was The Diplomat. One of the things I enjoyed about it was that there were moments where you just had to explain things, but all the explanations came kind of in conflict, because there were competing ideas. You’re jostling for supremacy within them, and also a lot of interpersonal conflicts that were happening at the same time the explanations were coming out. And that made for good scene work. And it was a delight to see when that show was working so well.

**Craig:** I love it. Personally, I love when information is relayed, and I’m excited and interested. I love The Big Short. I don’t understand money. I still don’t understand money. But I loved learning. Even if I have forgotten, I don’t think I could explain it as well as I could have, say, an hour after I saw the movie the first time. But while I was watching it, I was fascinated by it.

When I watch shows of any genre where the information is revealed in fascinating ways and it seems like there’s craft and art to characters learning, explaining, and also when there’s a lovely and satisfying gap between what I know and what the character knows, whether it’s that I know more than the character knows about themselves, like, say, the movie In and Out, where we all know he’s gay from the start, but he just doesn’t get it yet, or when somebody knows way more than I do, like for instance, My Cousin Vinny. Marisa Tomei is on the stand, and she suddenly has this epiphany about the tire marks. And she’s like, “No. The defense’s argument is wrong.” Okay. She knows everything now. And Joe Pesci knows what she knows. And he’s like, “Really? Why do you think that?” And I’m like, “Okay, now they both know something.” And the gap between what they know and me not knowing is curiosity, and I’m leaning all the way forward knowing that I’m gonna be satisfied, which is wonderful.

**John:** Let’s circle back to the troll problem, where the audience is ahead of the characters, where the audience knows how trolls work and the characters inside the story don’t. There can be frustration from the audience, like, “You dummy. This is the rules. You don’t have this. You don’t understand how vampires work,” or whatever. There’s a fundamental sort of disconnect there. To me, the crucial thing here is you need to establish your characters well in the world well enough that the audience is on board with understanding what the characters could know and could not know and that they’re on board the ride and they’re willing to turn off that part of their brain that is aware of the genre and the rules around the genre.

**Craig:** It’s frustrating for us when we watch. It’s not necessary. There is a way to do it correctly. There are some television shows, I think because, specifically procedurals, they just don’t have the time sometimes. We’ve gotten more time as storytellers in television where you don’t have ad breaks. But good old-fashioned ad break television, like the kind you and I grew up with on the networks, they just didn’t have the time. They have to just dump the information out. It’s tricky. It’s also why you see procedurals that work in specified job areas are incredibly popular, because it allows them to say information that is specific, that we wouldn’t otherwise know. I don’t know necessarily why doctors are constantly explaining medicine to each other, but the fact that we don’t know any of it helps.

**John:** Yeah, it does help a lot. You just mentioned ad breaks, which segues naturally to our next topic, which is that we’ve talked on the show before about shows that were written without act breaks, like Chernobyl, but now they have ads inserted into them, and those ads were inserted kind of randomly. There’s no plan for it, because you didn’t plan for a moment where this ad would go, which was so different than how we used to do television and still do television on a broadcast model, which is that you have acts that build up to rising tension, and at this moment of great tension, fade to black, a commercial goes in, you come back out of the act break, pick things up again and move on. That was a way we wrote television for 50 years, and now we don’t tend to do that very often. We’ve talked to writers who were doing spec pilots, like, “Are you putting act breaks in? Are you not putting act breaks in?” That’s a choice you make.

This last week, I think it was Chris in our office, was talking about he was watching an old episode of The X-Files, which is a show that had act breaks in it. He was watching it on Prime. But they didn’t use the actual defined act breaks. They just inserted their ads kind of wherever, and it was really frustrating.

**Craig:** Yes. I know that some of the stuff that I do for HBO does get chopped up and ad-breaked in other countries or in other services. I try to just not think about it. Then again, as film writers, you and I have dealing with this our whole lives, because traditionally, movies would eventually sell to broadcast or cable, where they would be chopped up and ads would be shoved in.

**John:** Almost all the Bond movies I watched were on ABC, the Sunday before school started in the fall. I absolutely loved them, but they were full of random ad breaks.

**Craig:** Full of random ad breaks. Now, my One Cool Thing this week, I won’t give it away, because I don’t want to give the audience too much information, but it is a show that has been made for a premium streamer, and that streamer now has options. You can either watch ad-free or not ad-free. Even though I’m watching ad-free, there are moments where the shows just cuts to black, and then, boop, we’re into the next scene, and it’s very clear that the way they built it was like, “We are picking the ad breaks.” You won’t have to watch ads when you watch it ad-free. But you’re gonna see the moments where the ads would go. You just don’t have to sit there for 15 or 30 seconds.

**John:** But here is the question. Will those ads really go in those spots? Because that’s the issue. Are they keeping track of the metadata for where those things go? Because clearly, in X-Files, they were not. Oour own Drew Marquardt spent the afternoon yesterday looking through a bunch of shows to see which ones were actually inserting where the natural ad break would be and which ones were not looking for the act breaks at all. Drew, what did you find as you were scanning through stuff?

**Drew:** It was a very scientific process. Prime it seemed like would have an act break at 19 minutes no matter what and 32 and a half minutes no matter what. But things like FreeV, which is also an Amazon service, would put act breaks where they were supposed to go, for both shows that they didn’t produce or ones that they did, and Peacock seemed to be pretty good about it too.

**Craig:** I think that what’s going on is some sort of dictate that says ads must happen at a certain point or wherever, and we don’t care where the ads used to go. But when they are making their own shows, that dictate is certainly built in. There’s no chance that they’re making their own material with ad breaks that they’re gonna ignore. Those ad breaks are obviously designed by whatever algorithm runs the kingdom.

**John:** I hope we’ll have some listeners who write in who actually have first-hand experience with how this works on the other side and will break whatever NDAs they’re gonna be breaking. My guess is that for a show like The X-Files, produced by Fox, for Fox, I think, Amazon licenses it, they get the video file. I wonder if they are not getting special metadata about where the actual act breaks are, that they could slot those things in, and they’re just putting it wherever, or they’re getting that metadata and saying, “Screw it. We don’t care. Our own internal metrics show that it’s most effective for us to put these commercials here and here and here, regardless of what the original plan was for the show.”

**Craig:** I suspect it’s the latter. I remember my first internship in Hollywood was at Fox Network. When we would review the shows before they air, it was just clear. On the tape, every quarter inch, it would go to black, and then there was a second, and then it would come back. It’s pretty clear. I think that Amazon basically is like, “We can’t put as many ads in as network put in for whatever this medium tier is, and yes, our data says that people will deal with two ad breaks in this point and this point, and we’ll just shove them in there.”

**John:** Obviously, YouTube works that way. If you don’t pay for YouTube Premium, it’s just shoving in wherever they want to put it in. I didn’t watch Mad Men on its original run, but my recollection of people talking about it was Matthew Weiner didn’t write act breaks at all, and the commercials would just show up where they showed up.

**Craig:** It was on AMC. I didn’t watch it as it was airing either. I watched it after. So I don’t know the answer to that.

**John:** I don’t know what the right answer, the right choice is here. Clearly, we’re in this transitional, frustrating moment where you don’t know as a show creator how much you should be planning for where those act breaks are gonna be, where the ads are gonna go, or just ignore it, and the algorithm’s gonna figure it out. And even if you got an answer from your executive, is that gonna really hold true when people are watching two years from now.

**Craig:** I know that Max does have an ad-supported tier. No one has asked me. I know that much. Maybe they haven’t asked me because they know that I would be like, “Rah rah rah-”

**John:** “Rah rah rah.”

**Craig:** … and just be like, “Shove it anywhere. It doesn’t matter. You’re ruining it, so just ruin it however you want.” That is basically what I would say, so my guess is they just haven’t bothered asking.

**John:** I think maybe you could just start putting digital logos on characters’ clothes, and it’s like NASCAR.

**Craig:** I don’t know if this is real or not, but it was making the rounds on social media. It was an old broadcast of Star Wars. It was in, I think, Peru perhaps. They didn’t want to stop the show to do ads. So instead, when Obi-Wan reaches into his little footlocker to get Darth Vader’s lightsaber to give to Luke Skywalker, they just stop and cut to a cooler being opened with a bunch of beer in it, and they do a little beer ad. And then they go right back to him handing him the lightsaber, which is kind of incredible and horrible.

**John:** Apparently, it was real.

**Craig:** Oh my goodness. Really?

**John:** We’ll find a link to the story about it.

**Craig:** Incredible. It’s terrible, but also hysterical.

**John:** Yeah, it’s good stuff. Let’s try to answer some listener questions. Drew, what do you have for us?

**Drew:** Eerie Resemblance writes, “So a film recently came out featuring the same job as the industry I’m in and, arguably, what I do within that industry. The main character was also a woman in my industry, which is a big deal because we are still under-represented. Someone from the film reached out and invited some women from our field to watch a private screening about two months before the release. Turns out the main character and I share a lot of commonalities, including a very similar name, we work from the same company, and we are even from the same state. Also, I focus on the same issues as this main character was.

“I was able to give feedback to the people contracted to show us the film. They said they would pass it on. But I’ve listened to y’all’s podcast long enough to know that two months before release is zero time to change anything or really take notes. I’m wondering if filmmakers actually take any of these notes when they do stuff like this, or was this just checking the box because we are three women who are in the same industry as the main character? And secondly, as I mentioned, the main character’s coincidences with me were eerie. But I’m giving the writer of the benefit of the doubt that it was just three crazy coincidences, and I found it kind of funny.

“But my question is, do y’all think about the consequences of creating a character, especially in a story that’s highly traumatic, who’s very close to a real person? Obviously, you can’t worry about that all the time, but are there ethical considerations to think about when it comes to your research and how that character may psychologically affect that person or a small group of people that they’re based off of in real life. I’m actually really glad that I’ve been listening to this podcast before seeing this film, because I think if I hadn’t been, the movie would’ve messed with me a lot more.”

**John:** So many good questions in here and issues that are brought up. I want to start first with what was the purpose of that screening, Craig. Why do you think she and the other people who do what her job is were invited to see that early screening?

**Craig:** This feels like manipulative PR move. Eerie Resemblance, your gut is correct. If the movie is about to come out in two months, this is box checking. They’re not gonna be changing anything, unless there’s some very simple thing an ADR line would address. Otherwise, no, they’re looking basically for cover, to say, oh, we screened it for all these people, and they really enjoyed it. This feels like CYA stuff to me.

**John:** I think their logic was probably – let’s say there’s 10 people who might have an opinion about this specific thing. If the movie comes out and they react really negatively to it, we’re gonna have to deal with that. But if we can sort of preempt that by showing it to them and getting them on our side to some degree, that’s gonna help them out. And so that’s probably why they were bringing you in.

**Craig:** Yeah, I think it’s preemptive. Now, the other question is an interesting one. The fact is that, just as the birthday paradox, if you have, I think, 23 people, there’s more than a 50 percent chance that one of those people will have your exact same birthday. This is gonna happen.

Eerie, the name was sort of close to your name. They were from the same state. They work for the same company. Once you’re working for the same company, the odds are you might be from a state like the one that the company’s in. Lots of names are similar. It was probably not intentional. In fact, it’s actually quite annoying how fussy lawyers can be when they say, “Oh, this is actually too close to this person.” Screenwriters and filmmakers are smart enough to know to not just try and duplicate another human into their script. They’re aware that there’s a legal problem on the other side.

**John:** We can be more specific about that. At some point in the development process, the screenwriter’s gonna have to sign something that says, “These are not based on real people.” There’s gonna be some kind of contractor sign that’s making that clear. Or if they are, you’re gonna have to go through a lot more scrutiny on that. You’ve dealt with that in some of the stuff you worked on.

In terms of names, that becomes a thing. One of the clearance reports they’re going through is they’re gonna look for the names of the characters in your story and the people who actually do that job in the real world. And this could’ve been flagged. This could’ve been a thing that was a concern. It’s not your exact name. We know a little more of the details. And it didn’t set off their alarm bells. But there have been times where I’ve had to change characters’ names because it was too similar to an actual real person who existed in the world.

**Craig:** The thing about names is, if you name somebody Cassie, that is possibly close to Cathy, Catie, Cara, Carrie, Cass, Cat. Names don’t really mean much. If it’s not your name, it’s not your name. Even if it’s your first name and not your last name – and it wouldn’t be your first and last name – it just doesn’t really matter.

The issue is, do we think about the consequences of creating a character who’s very close to a real person? I gotta be honest with you. No, because we’re trying not. The fact is, we’re not trying to be close to a real person, or we’re saying we are doing a dramatization of a real person. If we’re dramatizing a real person, then they’re out there, and they can complain, or maybe not. Maybe we bought the life rights. Maybe we haven’t. We’ll be accountable to that.

But if we’re creating a fictional character that does a job in a certain way for a certain company, no, we’re not thinking, “Oh, what if there happens to be somebody that has a similar name that does this and works for that same company? What will the psychological impact be on that person?” No, I don’t think we do. Because what can we do, other than confining ourselves, out of hyper concern, because somebody at some point is gonna say, “Oh, that reminds me of me.” We’re writing people that are supposed to remind you of real human beings, just not specific ones.

**John:** I would say I mostly agree with you. I think there are situations where even if you’re not thinking about the specific individual, you’re thinking about the people who are in that position and how the existence of your movie or TV show might negatively impact their ability to do the work they’re doing. Let’s say your show involved some NGO workers in Malawi and South Africa and portrayed them in a very negative light. That could be true, and it could be absolutely accurate within the course of your movie, but it could also make it very difficult for the people who are really doing that work to not be kind of painted by that brush, not in a legally difficult way, but in a… I don’t know. I think there’s some moral and ethical considerations you’d have there about are you making their ability to do their humanitarian work more difficult by your portrayal.

**Craig:** If you’re portraying an organization that is clearly meant to be like another organization, and you are suggesting that that organization, even if it’s fictional in your movie, is corrupt or whatever, then yes, you can impact an organization. You have ethical obligations, I think, as a screenwriter.

One of the things that I was worried about when I did Chernobyl was not coming off as an anti-nuclear-power show. That was not the purpose. In fact, it was important for me that the main character explained very clearly the difference between all of the nuclear reactors in the West and the one that they were using in Chernobyl, which was just wildly different and didn’t have a containment building around it, etc., because the fact is I support nuclear power. I don’t think the lesson there is no nuclear power. I think nuclear power is kind of essential if we’re gonna avoid continuing climate crisis. But I’ve said so. I made that as open of an opinion as I could. I still got a whole lot of crap from paid nuclear industry lobbyists who were super cranky. I don’t care about them. That’s their job. They’re paid to be cranky. But I felt like I fulfilled my obligation as a creator to at least not be wildly misunderstood. Yes, we do have to think about that. But an individual’s name, no. Somebody somewhere is gonna say, “Oh, that reminds me of me,” and there’s nothing we can do about that.

**John:** Yeah, sounds good. Let’s try one more question.

**Drew:** John in LA writes, “About four months ago, I met a producer who has worked in development at several big companies. Last month, she sent me a young adult novel that I really responded to. We’ve emailed and called several times about adaptation ideas. At the end of our last call, I asked her if she’d hire me to adapt the novel in full. She said yes and told me to, quote, start thinking about my contract. I’m not in the WGA. She has a new production company that is not yet a Guild signatory. Her intention is to become a signatory. Is it appropriate for me to ask if she’ll do the Guild paperwork so I can get a fair deal? I feel awkward making that ask.”

**John:** You should not feel awkward.

**Craig:** No.

**John:** This producer has worked in Hollywood, has worked in this industry. Since their production company that’s not yet a signatory but is intended to become a signatory, guess what? They can become a signatory with your project. You can break that seal. Hurrah.

**Craig:** I’m a little nervous here, John in LA, who’s writing about this, because the producer says her intention is to become a signatory. That’s a little nerve-wracking. Let’s make this easy for you. You shouldn’t have to ask anything, nor should you be thinking about your contract. Not only are you not in the WGA; you’re not a lawyer. What you need is a lawyer, and the lawyer can do all of this. Here’s the thing you need to be aware of, John in LA. It’s not as simple as saying, “I’m hiring a WGA writer, and I’m hiring them under a WGA deal because I’m a signatory.”

To be a signatory to the Writers Guild, you need to prove a certain amount of financial security, such that you demonstrate that you are able to meet your obligations as a signatory, specifically paying out residuals. You can’t just say, “I’m a producer, and I’m gonna hire a WGA writer. Just give me some boilerplate WGA stuff and I’ll sign the thing and I’ll be a signatory.” It’s not that simple. It’s not that simple, because people have done that in the past and then just not paid.

**John:** Yeah, reneged on it.

**Craig:** Right, not fulfilled their obligations. You need a lawyer. The good news is she’s saying she wants to hire you. She’s saying she wants to be a signatory. The lawyer will get paid therefore. So you should find one that’s willing to paper this for you, and they can have that discussion with them. It’s as simple as that. If her intention is to become a signatory, she should begin doing so. That’s on her.

**John:** It’s not an onerous process to become a signatory. I had to do it for my movie. It’s fine.

**Craig:** Exactly. They ask you a bunch of questions. You show them some evidence. You sign a piece of paper. Voila.

**John:** Exactly, because ultimately, when it comes to residuals and paying out stuff down the road, you’re basically having to guarantee that any future contracts that the thing is sold to will take care of the residual. It’s doable, and so this person can do it. It’s fine.

**Craig:** It is fine and is doable. They just need to do it. If that’s her intention, she should convert her intention into reality, and your lawyer should be thinking about your contract, not you. You don’t do that.

**John:** It’s time for our One Cool Things. I have two One Cool Things this week. First off, it’s a Patreon but also a website called tacticalmap.com. For the DM-ing I’m doing right now for our group, we’re using Roll20, which we’ve talked about, which is basically a virtual tabletop that we’re all looking at the same thing. You need maps for that. Some really good maps I found that are inexpensive online are at tacticalmap.com. It’s a guy who just develops some really beautiful top-down maps of different scenarios. We have a cliffhanger going on right now where there’s a troll attack. There’s this great fort in the mountains. It was perfect. I got this map, threw it in there, put some trolls in there. We’ve got a party. I like tacticalmap.com. You can find these maps.

Then my other one is a game that I wish we had played with you, Craig, while you were in town, because you would absolutely love this. It’s called Letter Jam. The concept behind this is, it’s a cooperative word game where you have a bunch of players around the table. Each of them has a letter on a stand in front of them, but they can’t see their own letter. They’re trying to work together to get through all of the words that are in front of them. They could say, “I can make a four-letter word using four player letters and this wildcard.” Then you’re going around the table. It’s who can make the biggest word and what that is, but without ever revealing that word. Then you are taking those clues on your little clue sheet, trying to figure out, like, what the hell is the letter in front of me. Its really smartly done.

**Craig:** I see, I see. People are saying, “I can make this word.” You’re like, “Okay, that person said they can make this word. This person said they can make this word.” I’m learning who maybe has what letter-

**John:** Exactly.

**Craig:** … and who maybe doesn’t have what letter. That’s interesting.

**John:** That person never says what that word is, but instead, they’re putting little tokens in front of different people’s spaces to show, this is letter 1, 2, 3. You can see the other stuff. You can never see what yours is. It’s really smartly done.

**Craig:** Sort of like Cluedo but with letters. I like it. That sounds like a fun time.

**John:** Letter Jam is a Czech game, but you can find it on Amazon and other places. We’ll put a link in the show notes for that.

**Craig:** Fantastic. The Czechs make excellent games, like Codenames.

**John:** Like Codenames. The same company that makes Codenames.

**Craig:** Oh, there you go. They’re great. My One Cool Thing this week is the television show Fallout. Now you have the information. Fallout on Amazon.

**John:** On Prime.

**Craig:** On Prime. I loved it. I loved it from start to finish. It was so well done, I thought. A lot of the reviews for it would talk about The Last of Us and video game adaptations, and I wish they wouldn’t, because to me, it’s taking away, first of all, from what those folks did at Fallout, and saying, “Oh, this one’s also a video game.” It’s like, “Okay, and these two movies were both adapted from books. Let’s compare those.” There’s no point. It doesn’t matter. It’s a wildly different show, different tone.

I played Fallout 3, New Vegas, 4, and I’m just a fan, a Fallout fan. I thought that they did a terrific job of adapting that in the way it should’ve been adapted. It was just a fun watch. It was well acted. Walt Goggins is terrific in it. It might not be for everyone. It’s an overtly kind of gory, kind of like that comedy gore, which is true to the game. I thought it was great. I just loved it from start to finish. They’ve been renewed for Season 2. Not at all surprised to see that. I look forward to that, I assume, in… It’s a massive show. I know what it takes to make a show this size. I think they probably are bigger, budget-wise, I think. I hope so, based on what I saw. It was like, oh my god, this is insane.

**John:** But I saw they got their California tax incentive for Season 2, so they’ll be here, so that’ll be great.

**Craig:** Maybe I’ll come visit the set if they invite me. I’m a fan. I really enjoyed the show a lot.

**John:** That’s great to hear. It feels like the kind of show that my husband will not want to watch, so I think while he’s gone this weekend, I will burn through it myself.

**Craig:** Now, I will say-

**John:** You still would want to-

**Craig:** You know what I’m gonna say.

**John:** Yeah, you want it to be a weekly show.

**Craig:** Not only do I want it to be a weekly show. This, of all shows-

**John:** Of all shows should’ve been.

**Craig:** … should’ve been a weekly show. Hey, Jeff Bezos, I know you listen to our show. He does not. That’s just stupid. I don’t know how else to put it. I wish there were a different way.

**John:** He doesn’t even run Amazon Prime Video, but still, yeah.

**Craig:** I don’t know who does. The most polite way I can say it is, it’s just fully stupid, because that show-

**John:** The footprint is smaller than it should be.

**Craig:** It’s so much smaller than it should be, and that show is such a “oh my god, I can’t wait to see what happens next” show, which is why you should make them wait. Make them wait a week. Then with, I think it’s eight episodes, you’d have a cultural conversation over two months.

I’ll just keep pointing over to Shogun, which has one more episode to go. Tuesday, when this episode airs, that night will be the finale, the finale, the finale of Shogun. People have been talking about it for months, because it goes one a week via Hulu.

There’s no reason for Fallout to be all at once. It just felt wasteful, like, I’m gonna cook you a week’s worth of food, and then you just throw it after, because you consumed it all too much. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to maximize the discussion around something as good as Fallout that is so watchable and addictible – addictive.

**John:** Addictive.

**Craig:** Addictive. I said “addictible.” That’s not a word.

**John:** Addictible, yeah. It could be.

**Craig:** It shouldn’t be.

**John:** The kids will make it a word.

**Craig:** Damn kids.

**John:** Damn kids. That’s our show for this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt.

**Craig:** Is it?

**John:** It’s edited by Matthew Chilelli.

**Craig:** Oh, dear.

**John:** Our outro this week is by Nica Brooke. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions. You’ll find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s also where you’ll find transcripts and sign up for our weekly newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. We have T-shirts and hoodies. They’re fantastic. You’ll find them at Cotton Bureau. You can sign up to become a Premium Member at scriptnotes.net, where you get all the back-episodes and Bonus Segments, like the one we’re about to record on what you should do when you meet a famous person.

**Craig:** Oh, I thought you were gonna say what you should do when you get lots of emails from English people complaining.

**John:** You can send those emails to ask@johnaugust.com.

**Craig:** Ask.

**John:** Great.

**Craig:** Ask@johnaugust.com.

**John:** Ask@johnaugust.com. Thank you, Craig.

**Craig:** Thank you.

**John:** Thank you, Drew.

**Drew:** Thanks, guys.

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** Craig, let’s talk through what a person should do when they meet a famous person. And by what you should do meeting a famous person, I don’t mean you or me, who actually have different contexts, but you’re an ordinary person. You meet a famous person. Let’s talk through the different contexts in which this might happen. First off, you were called into a meeting with a famous person, a famous actor, a famous director, producer, who cares. How do you acknowledge or not acknowledge the fame differential between you and that famous person?

**Craig:** In the context of a professional meeting, you want to acknowledge it as little as possible, because you don’t want to seem like you don’t belong in the room. The tried and true method is to simply say, “I’m such a fan. It’s so lovely to meet you.” I do that with actors that I cast in the show that are famous and have done lots of things. It’s 99 percent of the time exactly true. And beyond that, you don’t want to go too much further, because at that point, you’re putting yourself in fan box as opposed to collaborator box.

**John:** 100 percent. I had a meeting with Henry Cavill. He’s so charming and just so incredibly handsome, but if I were to acknowledge too much, like, oh, this famous person is two feet away from me, that’s not gonna be useful for the meeting. That’s just noise and buzz and it’s not on topic. Address it just the way Craig said. “Such a fan. It’s really good to meet you. I really liked this thing.” You can talk about other stuff. But don’t talk about, like, “What’s it like being famous?”

**Craig:** They don’t necessarily want to listen to that. Hopefully, if it’s a professional context, they’re also familiar with you and some of the things you’ve done. There may be a polite exchange of, “I really love this. I really like this.” The other thing that you don’t want to do in a professional context is try.

This is pretty common. For any human being, when you meet somebody famous, there’s gonna be a natural instinct to try. You’re gonna want to impress them. You’re gonna want to make them laugh. You’re gonna want to make them like you. You’re gonna want them to be your friend, because they’re famous and they have this distortion field around them that’s so fascinating. Don’t do that, because what will end up happening is either faceplanting or just inauthenticity. It’s a bit sweaty. The hardest advice and the most common advice is to just be yourself. Unfortunately, in this situation, you must just be yourself.

**John:** I would say don’t try to match their energy, their accent, because again, they have a gravitational pull sometimes, and it can be really natural to do that. No, you’re there to be yourself and to do your thing. Don’t try to get there.

I had an actor camp coming in. I was gonna come in to do a rewrite on a project, and he was just bouncing off the walls. I didn’t react to how hyper he was. I was just back to focus on, like, “This is what I want to do. This is how we can do this. I hear why that’s important to you, and here’s a way we can achieve that.” You can validate all you want, but don’t try to match them at their energy, because that’s not your job.

**Craig:** It’s not. Also, don’t give away your authority. You’re in the room for a reason. You know something. You do a job they don’t do. You have value. Don’t give it away. You don’t have to be a pompous jerk about it. You don’t have to be arrogant. But it’s all right for you to have opinions. It’s all right for you to say, “Yes. However, one of the things I’ve learned is blah.” You are allowed to be valuable. You’re not there simply to go, “Oh my god, that’s so great. Oh my god, you’re so awesome. Oh my god, everything you say is right.” It’s not. It’s not. They’re just people. They’re just people, especially in that context. You must people-ify these individuals that prior to that meeting were godlike to you because they were on screen.

**John:** Back in the time when you and me both used to do more emergency work or coming in to help out on troubled things, I really felt like a lot of times the reason I got hired is I could survive in those rooms, that I could actually do my job in the presence of just a lot of chaotic energy and big egos and things. I could navigate my way through that. You get better at that by just meeting more famous, powerful people and not being swept away by them.

**Craig:** Correct. There’s another skill involved in those situations where you need to make your way through a meeting with that person, giving them some kind of comfort, and then separately talking with the adults and saying, “Okay. Now, what do we need, and how much of that do you want?” Navigating that is a very difficult thing to do. But it is important, because ultimately, a lot of these famous people need to be happy. If it’s fixit stuff, it’s fair to say no one’s happy. Everyone is feeling wanting. How do you satisfy everybody somehow?

Look, you can piss off the head of a studio. They can stop talking to you for three weeks. But if you piss off – I don’t know, I’m just gonna pick somebody. You’ve come in to fix a Thor movie and you’ve pissed off Chris Hemsworth, you’re fired, because he’s the one who’s showing up on screen. You can’t lose that piece. That’s the additional political power that these folks have just by dint of the job they do.

**John:** Let’s talk a different context. It’s not a meeting, but you just saw their show, you saw their movie, or you’re backstage at their theater performance. How do you interact with that person in those moments?

**Craig:** Keep it short. Keep it simple. And keep your expectations to zero. Your expectations should simply be shake their hand, tell them how great they did, say one quick thing. If you want a photo, they’re so used to that. And always ask, “Is it okay if I take a picture with you?” They’ll be happy to take a picture with you, because most of the time, backstage is when that’s supposed to happen. That’s sort of the deal. And also, it means this interaction is about to end.

You and I have had these. We’re not famous-famous, but people know us from the things we do and from this podcast. When there is, either it’s at a live show or let’s say you’re just at a restaurant and somebody notices you and they are a big fan of you, when they say, “Can I get a photo?” in my mind I’m like, A, yes, and B, we have concluded this interaction and I can go back to whatever I’m doing. That’s a good thing. If you go too long, I don’t know, more than 15, 20 seconds, it becomes an imposition.

**John:** I would differentiate the backstage of the show versus out at a restaurant. If you can find a moment in a public space where you feel like you can grab the person without breaking their world, that’s great, but I’d say don’t – I don’t know, I don’t want to blanket recommendation to never come up to the table, but kind of never come up to the table.

**Craig:** I wouldn’t say come up to the table. If they’re having dinner, leave them be. But when they’re leaving-

**John:** Waiting for the valet, waiting for [crosstalk 01:05:57].

**Craig:** … waiting for the valet, those are perfectly fine moments, because the other thing is, if you just imagine yourself in their shoes, if you’re in the middle of dinner, you’re in the middle. That means somebody comes up, talks to you, goes back and sits down, and now they’re over there, and now you’re aware that they’re there. Other people might take this as an opportunity for them to come up. Leave famous people alone when they’re clearly in the middle of conversations, dinner, etc., working. But when it is a little breather moment, like leaving, then sure. Just always be polite if you can.

**John:** This last week after seeing Civil War, I was walking back to the car, and a listener of the podcast stopped me to say, “Oh hey, I really liked the show.” That was great. It was lovely. It was a brief conversation. Completely 100 percent appropriate.

**Craig:** Oh, of course. Look, there are actors who are infamous for being super grouchy about this. I don’t begrudge them their grouchiness. It’s just like, hey, did no one tell you that being famous would mean you’d be famous? Most famous people I know are perfectly fine and gracious with those interactions. There are ways that they mitigate some of these things.

Every now and then, I’ll go catch a Dodger game with Jason Bateman. When it’s time to leave the game, nobody walks faster and with more purpose than Jason Bateman leaving Dodger Stadium. It’s because there are sometimes upwards of 50,000 people there. At least, I don’t know, 30 percent of them are like, “That’s Jason Bateman.” If you’re walking real fast, people will go like, “Oh, Jason.” He’s like, “Hey,” and then he keeps walking, and so there’s no chance to get stopped and mobbed. That’s reasonable. But if somebody were to walk over to him when he’s sitting there and say, “Hey, my son’s a big fan. Would you sign this?” yeah, of course.

**John:** Dodgers Stadium, the equivalent for us is Austin during the film festival, where I do need to walk pretty quickly and with laser-focused eyes, because otherwise I just won’t ever make it to my destination.

**Craig:** There was one year, I think it was the last time I was in Austin, I got off the plane. I landed in Austin, got off the plane, emerged from the jetway into the airport, and within three seconds, I heard someone say my name to another person. I was like, “Ah, shit.” The thing is, listen, of course, it’s a nice thing when people know you and like you. But if you feel like, uh-oh, it’s gonna be a lot of this, it does become a little bit like… I’m not built for it necessarily. I’m always nice. I’m never a jerk, ever, ever, ever. But if somebody could say, “Hey, here’s a potion you could drink when you’re at the Austin Film Festival and you’ll be invisible for the next three hours,” oh my god, I would pay a lot.

**John:** Love it.

**Craig:** I’d pay money.

**John:** Another context, a social event. Actually, there’s two different levels of this. There’s a social event which is the bigger social event, where there’s a lot of people mingling around, it’s a cocktail-y party kind of thing, or an after-screening kind of thing, where there’s a famous person there and you’re kind of introduced. Do you acknowledge how famous the other person is? A lot of it, you can do the – it’s like a meeting thing, where it’s just like, “I love doing this thing.” But other times, it can be weird. You’re folded into a conversation with somebody who’s much more famous. Do I acknowledge, like, “Oh my god, you’re Amy Poehler.”

**Craig:** This is an example of a moment like that that I had. Normally, when I walk away from moments like that, I think to myself, I screwed it up. In this one, I thought, “Nailed it,” because it was so honest. I was at the Golden Globes. It was before the show started. I was talking to Kevin Huvane, one of the guys that runs CAA, and we were by the bathrooms. And he said, “Oh, I’m waiting here for Meryl Streep.” I was like, “Oh my god.” He’s like, “You want to meet her?” I’m like, “Meryl Streep? I would love to meet her.” She came out. He’s like, “Oh, Meryl, this is Craig Mazin.” I shook her hand. This is what I did. I went, “You know.” And she said, “I know.” I was like, okay, well, there you go, because she’s heard it a billion times. I didn’t want to say it all to her, but also, I wanted her to know, like, “I love you and I love everything you’re in and you’re amazing. You’re the greatest actor of your generation. Here’s the whole thing.” I think I could boil it down to just, you are aware of what’s happening in my brain. She was so nice and gracious about it.

**John:** That’s great.

**Craig:** It was the perfect length. It was a good old-fashioned 15-second chitchat, and that was the end of that.

**John:** What’s great about that example is Kevin Huvane could be the hinge that introduced the two of you, and that makes things much more natural. If she was 10 feet away, would you have gone up to say anything?

**Craig:** Oh my gosh. Now I’ll tell you when I blew it. This is so long ago. This was like 1992. I was with a friend. Is Johnny Rockets still there on La Cienega?

**John:** No, it’s not, alas.

**Craig:** It was an old burger joint across from the Beverly Center. We were there. It was, I don’t know, 8:00 p.m. or something sort of late. My friend – and we were sitting outside – he goes, “Look who’s over there. It’s Seinfeld.” It was Jerry Seinfeld. He was talking to someone else. They were having dinner. I was like, “Oh my god, oh my god, Jerry Seinfeld.” When we were done, we’re walking by, and I was like, “I’m not gonna do it. I’m not gonna say anything.” I had already passed him by two steps when I just was like, “No, I must.” I turned around and then went back towards him. I’m sure he thought, like, “Oh shit, I’m getting assassinated.” I was just like, “Oh, hi. Just a big fan.” He was like, “Oh, great.” Then I walked away. My friend was like, “That was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. He must’ve shit his pants, because you looked like you were coming back to throw a punch at him.” But I was so nervous and awkward about it.

That said, sometimes – and you’ve probably felt this, John, maybe at Austin, where people come up to you and you can see how nervous they are to talk to you. It’s adorable, actually. It’s kind of sweet.

**John:** You immediately do the thing to put them at ease and make you feel okay about the whole thing.

**Craig:** Exactly. Everybody has these moments with famous people where they just fall apart, forget themselves, regress to childhood, feel like an idiot. That’s also fine and normal. If you can see that they’re like eh, just thank them for meeting them and leave. Don’t push it. I’m sorry, Jerry Seinfeld. I’ve never met him since. I’ve never met him. We’ve talked to Julia Louis-Dreyfus on our show, and I know Jason Alexander. These are lovely people. I’m at a different time in my life. I’m very comfortable around these people. But I still feel like if I were to meet Jerry Seinfeld today, I would have to say, “I need to take you back to 1992 and apologize.”

**John:** Example just from this last week. We were at the WGA Awards. Craig, congratulations on your WGA Award-

**Craig:** Oh, thank you.

**John:** … for Best New Series, which is terrific. At the after-party thing, Quinta Brunson was like three feet away from me, talking with other people. And I was talking with other people. But I didn’t know whether to say hi to Quinta, because she came on the podcast, but it was just a one-time thing. I don’t know that she really remembers who I am out of this context. Of course, there’s a disparity, because she’s just much more famous. I know her because she’s a very successful creator and star of a thing. I did not end up saying hi, and I had an opportunity, because a friend of mine was talking with her, and I could’ve worked my way back in, but you don’t always have to take advantage of those opportunities.

**Craig:** No.

**John:** Nothing good would’ve happened.

**Craig:** If you have nothing to say… I had met Quinta before, through Natasha Lyonne. Then we had her on the show. Now we sort of know each other. Melissa and I were both just wiped out, so we just went home. But if I had gone to that party and I had seen Quinta there, my guess is I probably would’ve just waved and then just kept going, because I don’t have anything specifically to say other than, “Hey, we know each other.”

**John:** Exactly.

**Craig:** Yes, and?

**John:** Yeah. There’s that. Craig, as a famous person I get to do a podcast with every week, always a pleasure.

**Craig:** Famous, quote unquote.

**John:** Quote unquote, famous.

**Craig:** Thanks, John.

**John:** Thanks. Bye.

Links:

* [Do I Sound Gay? Documentary](https://www.doisoundgay.com/)
* [International Dialects of English Archive](https://www.dialectsarchive.com/)
* [Accent Tag on YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=accent+tag)
* [Chilean beer ads in Star Wars](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSgMWAi9YPA)
* [Letter Jam](https://czechgames.com/for-press/lj.html)
* [TacticalMap](https://tactical-map.com/)
* [Fallout](https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/detail/B0CN4HV16N/ref=atv_dp_share_cu_r) on Prime Video
* [Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!](https://cottonbureau.com/people/scriptnotes-podcast)
* [Check out the Inneresting Newsletter](https://inneresting.substack.com/)
* [Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/gifts) or [treat yourself to a premium subscription!](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/)
* Craig Mazin on [Threads](https://www.threads.net/@clmazin) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/clmazin/)
* John August on [Threads](https://www.threads.net/@johnaugust), [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/johnaugust/?hl=en) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/johnaugust)
* [John on Mastodon](https://mastodon.art/@johnaugust)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Nica Brooke ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/641standard.mp3).

Scriptnotes, Episode 640: Can You Believe It?, Transcript

June 3, 2024 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2024/can-you-believe-it).

**John August:** Hey, this is John. Heads up that today’s episode has just a little bit of swearing in it.

Hello and welcome. My name is John August, and this is Episode 640 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Today on the show, the advice to write what you know has become an empty cliché, yet on this very podcast, we’re often advising writers to think about what’s personal and specific to their experience when crafting their stories. Along that axis, we recently had Celine Song on to talk about the many autobiographical elements of her film Past Lives, which recounts and reframes her experience as a child and as an adult. But it’s one thing to reflect on the past and another to deliberately place yourself in a perilous spot in hopes of getting a story out of it. Today we’ll talk to a writer who did just that and what came of it. We’ll also answer listener questions about talking with managers and talking to yourself. In our Bonus Segment for Premium Members, how do you set boundaries on material when you’re dating another comedian?

To help us through all that, let’s welcome our guest. Alex Edelman is a stand-up comedian, writer, and producer who has written for shows such as Teenage Bounty Hunters and The Great Indoors. His award-winning special, Just For Us, which has been touring all over the world since 2018, is out now on HBO.

**Alex Edelman:** Thanks so much for having me. It’s so cool.

**John:** Unlike many other guests who come on this show, you actually know what this podcast is.

**Alex:** Yes. When you join the WGA, that’s what happens. Howard Rodman puts a steak knife to your back. He’s like, “Do you listen to Scriptnotes?” I’m like, “Yes, yes, Mr. Rodman, I do, I do. I like it.”

**John:** People are so intimidated by Howard Rodman, because he has that presence, and so you had to pull out your phone and actually subscribe in your podcast app.

**Alex:** It’s the last step to getting health care is you have to actually subscribe to the podcast, to Scriptnotes. Look, I’ve always been interested in the craft. It’s such a silly, dumb thing to say. It’s like saying, “I like color.” But I’ve always been interested in the craft of writing. And the more granular, the better. Even the notion of what you were talking about, which is write what you know, I have a whole thing about the advice of write what you know, which I feel so strongly about. I love hearing writers talk about writing. I love conversations about craft. This is me speaking directly to the demographic of which I am most interested, which is also me, so I’m very excited to be here.

**John:** We both know Mike Birbiglia, but that’s actually not how we met. The true story is you were playing at the Taper here in Los Angeles, and friends had said, “Oh, you should go see it.” At the very last minute, 2:00 in the afternoon, I said, “Oh hey, let’s go see the show. There’s still tickets, a few tickets left.” My husband and I went down. Taped to my seat was a little envelope from you or your manager saying, “Hey, afterwards, come backstage.” I was so impressed that somebody was reading through the last-minute ticket sales and recognized my name. Well done.

**Alex:** Do you want to know what happened? Whenever I do New York or LA, I read the… I don’t have a manager, so it is me and also my crew. But I have an unfortunate tendency to miss friends and family who come, and then they get offended that I didn’t say hi. Now, I get a seat book about half an hour before the show. I don’t always read it, but if there’s family members coming or if someone I know is coming, but I can’t quite remember who it is, I’ll say to my stage manager, MC or Brian or Kathleen, the three folks I’ve worked with primarily, or Rachel – four folks.

But I think what happened was I had talked about the podcast or I listened to the podcast with one of my stage managers, and they went, “Hey, Alex, your favorite person’s here.” They were like, “John August is here.” I was like, “Oh, I wonder if it’s the same guy.” That was the impetus behind your note. But also, we let some people live their lives. They’ll be like, “Do you want to put a note on so-and-so’s seat?” I’m like, “That guy can just enjoy a quiet evening at the theater,” something like that.

**John:** You invited James Burrows back my same session. James Burrows, an icon, a legend.

**Alex:** Oh my god, I love Jim Burrows. I call him Jim because – no, I don’t know him well.

**John:** Because now you have a close personal connection after meeting him once.

**Alex:** Close friend. When I was writing on The Great Indoors, he was shooting on the lot Superior Donuts. I was at a garage sale. This will only be interesting to your listenership, and if it’s not, you can cut it out. But I was rummaging through a garage sale somewhere. And I found in this garage sale a Humanitas Prize certificate for an episode of Taxi called Blind Date, which is about Judd’s character in Taxi goes on a blind date, and she is overweight, and he treats her like a human being. That was so revolutionary at the time that it won a Humanitas Prize. I bought it for five bucks. It was literally five bucks. It was a garage sale. I brought it into work. I went down and I asked Bob Daily, who was running Superior Donuts and is a buddy of mine, I said, “Can I show this to Judd and Jim Burrows?” They both signed the Humanitas Prize certificate for me. I’m that much of a nerd.

But yeah, Jim Burrows is a legend. He shaped the face of sitcom comedy in the ’90s, ’80s, 2000s, everything. By the way, when I showed him the certificate, he’s like, “We actually shot that one with three cameras instead of four, and then we decided that three was better,” and walked me through the episode as if it happened last week instead of several decades ago.

**John:** I love when you meet these titans who have been in the industry forever and they’re still incredibly sharp. It’s none of that like, “Oh,” big stories about things, they can’t put stuff together. Clearly sharp as a pin and is thinking about tomorrow’s work.

**Alex:** Maybe this is a knock on me actually, but I’m very reverent of all of the older guys and gals and everyone in between. I hosted Norman Lear’s 100th birthday special for ABC. Getting to be in a room with Norman Lear, it’s really something. When Christopher Nolan accepted his Oscar, he said, “We’re 100 years into filmmaking. Think about how special it would be to be 100 years into music or painting.” Comedy is an even younger art form, essentially. Comedy is a very young art form. A lot of the people that built the face of it are still around or they died in my lifetime. I had the good fortune to be around a lot of these people. Mel Brooks is pretty sharp. I never was lucky enough to really have some time with Carl Reiner, but I was told he was very sharp. Norman was sharp as a pin all the way to the end, as far as I know. You’re just lucky to be able to share oxygen with these people.

**John:** We’ll look forward to another 90 years of your career, but let’s start back at the beginning, because before you did this show, you actually had a long ramp up. I’m curious where you start your story in terms of comedy. What were the first things you were doing in performing? You’ve done stand-up. You’ve written on traditional shows. You’ve done your solo shows. What’s the journey there?

**Alex:** Where do I consider my career starting? I guess in baseball, which is a really weird place. But I started at the Red Sox. I got a job when I was 13 years old. I wrote the Red Sox kids’ newsletter and just did general writing bits around the ballpark and got into the world that way and then fell in love with sports and then fell in love with comedy.

**John:** Back to the baseball. You were writing up what happened? Were you actually on the PA? What were you doing?

**Alex:** I wrote articles. I would stand in the press line and stuff like that or be in the press conferences in the back, scribbling stuff down. But I also worked in the office doing odd jobs and being a little amanuensis to this guy Larry Lucchino and this guy Charles Steinberg. Larry, who was a titan of the game himself, passed away actually last week. He was a really great guy, a really huge figure in the sport. They were amused by this kid who loved sports and loved history and loved writing and was always around.

They always found writing for me to do. I wrote a bunch of press releases. I’d write public address speeches. I wasn’t on the PA, but I was part of pre-game ceremony sometimes. This guy Charles Steinberg, who worked for Larry, had a flair for the creative. He would put together these elaborate pregame ceremonies to celebrate retirements or various other milestones. I was always part of dreaming up those ceremonies and executing them. It was very creative. It was a blast. To be an employee of the Red Sox between 2003 and 2007 when I left – they won two World Series, they ended this 86-year drought without a championship – it was really, really beautiful.

**John:** You’re doing this, and at what point are you moving from, “Okay, I’m writing stuff. It’s being printed places or being spoken aloud on the PA,” to working on stuff for yourself? What was the transition? Were you going to school for it? What happened next?

**Alex:** I was an Orthodox Jew, so I was going to yeshiva. I was in a low-key rabbinical school. Then I spent a year in Israel in a seminary there, thinking that maybe that was my thing. But it was stand-up comedy. I had gone to see this show called Comics Come Home that Denis Leary organizes every year, and still organizes it. They do it in a huge arena in Boston. I fell in love with comedy, and I started going to open mics at a pizzeria, at a music place.

**John:** How old are you when you’re going to open mics?

**Alex:** I’m 17 or so. It was dilettante-ish. I was writing around. I won a sports writing award here and there. I started fishing around. I got a summer job on the set of The Departed running drinks for the Teamsters. I was finding myself a little bit. But things really kicked into high gear in my last year of college. I spent my last semester of NYU, which was chock full of writing stuff – I had the best professors you could have. I had Zadie Smith. I had Nathan Englander. I had Jonathan Lethem. I had Darin Strauss, who was an English major, Megan O’Rourke, Susan Orlean.

**John:** Wow.

**Alex:** I had all-star lineup of professors. I’m extremely privileged in the education department. I am such a disappointment to so many of those people.

**John:** I want to talk about this. I want to go from open mics to NYU. When you’re at the open mics at the pizza places, what is your material? You’re 17 years old. You have a very interesting background as the Orthodox kid coming into these places. But were you talking about yourself or were you just imitating other comedy you were hearing?

**Alex:** It was terrible, wasn’t it? It was the worst, most horrible impressions of these Boston comedians. I’m sure you’ve heard this from other people on your podcast, but every time you get a great note… I love notes. I think they’re responsible for my work getting to a certain place. Whenever you get a great note, there’s a part in you that’s always known that it was true. There’s a little bit of you that, as soon as they start giving you the note, you’re like, “Yeah, of course. I knew that but was denying it,” or, “Yeah, of course, I knew that.” In the back of my mind, I was always like, “This isn’t really me.” But I was just trying anything I could to make people laugh. My comedy, there wasn’t much of me in it. But I was trying to get laughs. I had one good joke. I had one good joke that I limped along with.

**John:** Do you remember it?

**Alex:** Yeah.

**John:** Willing to share it?

**Alex:** The premise was I’d describe the scene from The Godfather where Sonny Corleone pulls up to the tollbooth. I would describe in graphic, long detail, “They’re spraying him full of bullets, and he gets out of the car, and then more bullets, more bullets, and he dies right there on the pavement.” After this long description, I go, “If that’s not the best commercial for E-ZPass I’ve ever seen.” Oh, wow, Drew likes it. Drew likes it, everybody. I was really terrible, but it was that one joke. At one point, I was at an open mic bombing, and a comic from the back of the room went, “Alex, tell your joke.”

**John:** Wow.

**Alex:** Which is so devastating and so true. I was just awful, but I was doing my best. Also, I think you need that time in the dark, that sort of incompetence where you’re too incompetent to know that you’re incompetent. It was the perfect time to start stand-up comedy, which is as a teenager.

**John:** Ira Glass has this speech where he talks about you have taste, but you don’t have talent, and you’re climbing both things at the same time. You probably had some taste, you knew what you liked, but you couldn’t do those things that you liked. You’re imitating. You’re trying to get there, and so you’re telling your one joke.

**Alex:** But you also don’t know what’s out there. Everything was within my very limited purview. I think I’ve always tried to see as much as I possibly can, because you never know what’s for you. People say write what you know. I guess we’re doing this.

**John:** We’re doing this. I think we’re into the meat of this now.

**Alex:** When people say write what you know, a good synthesis of that is what Norman always said, which is, “I’m just another version of you.” He would always say that to people, which is a handy thing to say if you’re doing a Latinx One Day At A Time.

**John:** Is this Norman Mailer, Mark Normand?

**Alex:** Norman Lear. Sorry, Norman Lear.

**John:** Norman Lear. Sorry, there’s too many Normans.

**Alex:** Sorry. Norman Lear would always say, “I am just another version of you.” He was really, really big on that humanist idea. The idea of write what you know to me always meant if you know humiliation, write humiliation. If you know fear or aspiration or a desire to fit in…

Everyone thinks that my solo show is about antisemitism, but I’ve always been insistent that it’s about the desire to assimilate and the cost of assimilation. No one will understand this more than you. What the story is versus what the show is about can be completely different things.

I didn’t really have exposure to good comedy for a while. I had exposure to some good comedy. Steven Wright would drop in sometimes, or I’d go see Brian Regan, or I once went to see George Carlin at the Cape Cod Melody Tent, although that memory is very fuzzy. I saw lots of comedy. The dominant culture in Boston was extremely regressive and extremely, looking back, kind of boring. There were only a few bright lights that stood out. I was off into it because of those comics.

**John:** What strikes me about stand-up comedy, unlike traditional writing, is that you have the immediate feedback of are people laughing or not. But you can also just become probably seduced by that laughter and just go back to your one joke, or you can get into these grooves and these ruts, that you’re just doing this one thing that is going to be successful for this thing, for this crowd, but it’s not actually pushing you forward, it’s not pushing your storytelling forward, it’s not getting you anyplace new. Obviously, going to NYU broke you out of some of that, and you’re being challenged by good professors. But when did you have a vision for what you actually wanted to do with your writing and with your comedy?

**Alex:** Such a perfect question, because the preamble is the thing that I always struggled to explain to people. Sometimes I’d come off stage at the Comedy Cellar, which is where I work on new material, and people will say, “Good set.” And I want to say, “No, it’s not a good set. I went up there wanting to try four or five new things, and I got a little scared after the second new thing didn’t work, so I shut it down and went back to the chestnuts that I know worked.”

If I never wanted to fail on stage again, I could do that. I have enough material. I have probably five hours of material that I know works bagged. I could if I chose to never push myself, never go on stage. Sometimes you go on stage and you come off and people are like, “Tough one.” I’m like, “I wanted to try two new things. I tried eight new things. Four of them worked. One of them did really well, and that’s money in my pocket.” It’s hard to explain that to people.

I really found it when I was in London. I went on stage with material. I don’t remember it, but it couldn’t have been very good. This was 2012. I was studying abroad. It was my last year. I was invited to do this show by this woman, Josie Long, who’s a great, great, great British comedian who now lives in Glasgow but also directs movies and writes short story collections. Truly probably one of my biggest role models. Josie had me on her show, which was called Lost Treasures of the Black Heart. It was at the Black Heart in Camden. You talked about forgotten heroes. It was a themed night. No one had told me it was a themed night, or I had forgotten. I showed up and I just did my normal material. It got laughs.

Josie pulled me aside afterwards in a very gentle way, was like, “Hey, just so you know, I think you’re maybe capable of more than that, than the clubby New York act that you delivered. Maybe you want to go and write something and just come back and try it in front of the friendliest audience you’ll ever be in front of.” I went away and I wrote something, and I came back and did it. I don’t know that it was great, but it certainly was the first time I felt a little more like me on stage.

My career really started in the UK. It was because I saw comedians who were a little bit more of an aspectus for me. I think that you can divide most, not writing, but most written products, film, TV, stand-up, even music, to aesthetic and content. It was the first time I had ever seen an aesthetic that worked for me, which was a long-form, thoughtful thing that the British-type solo shows that you see at the Edinburgh Festival and at the Soho Theater in London, which is a sort of theater that puts on these hour-long or 90-minute solo shows. Of course, with the best things, the aesthetic and the content are married to each other or they inform each other. As soon as I started seeing those aesthetic offerings, those shows, it completely changed who I was as a comedian. It really opened me up.

**John:** I’m picturing our audience here. We have a lot of people who are aspiring writers who are looking to do stuff down the road. At this point, you’re in London. You’re a senior at NYU. You’re studying abroad. Did you identify primarily as a student studying abroad or a comedian who’s at the start of your career? They’re kind of two different people.

**Alex:** I don’t think I cared as much about writing as I should’ve, or I don’t think I cared as much about collegiate writing as I should’ve. John Baldessari, who’s a conceptual artist, says that every young artist needs to know that talent is cheap, you have to be possessed what you can’t will, and you have to be in the right place at the right time. I’d always grappled with the first two, but I had this sense in London that I was in the right place at the right time. I hate the word “scene” but there was a scene going on. It was 2012, and these solo shows were having a moment.

I think a month into being there, I was at a bar. Not to be crude on your podcast, but somebody at the bar grabbed my ass really hard. I turned to the woman standing next to me, like, “Hey, will you mind helping me out? This guy’s got a pretty firm grip on my ass.” Not to be like, “And that was,” but that was Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Phoebe and I became really close friends. Phoebe was just working at Fleabag. I went to 12 different previews of Fleabag.

Just being amongst all of these great, genius people who were making the most fulsome versions of stand-up comedy to me was really intoxicating. I was a student of that when I got there. I sat and watched them do it for years before I tried it myself. That was 2012. I didn’t put my first solo show up until summer of 2014. I really took my time, because I really could see that this was the best version of what you could do. What I was doing by comparison was like a printer running out of ink.

I guess if you had to force an answer to the question, I guess I was subconsciously leaning towards it being a career, the comedy thing, instead of being a college student. But if you had asked me then, I don’t think I would’ve given you that answer. It always felt like a pipe dream to me. It still feels like a pipe dream to me. It really does. Being a staffed TV writer, being a professional stand-up, they all feel like impossible dreams still.

**John:** I do want to get to TV staffing in a sec, but first I want to talk about this format that you’re seeing, so Fleabag and these other solo shows. The difference between a solo show and a stand-up special or one comedian as a headliner, what is the distinction there? Is it because it’s all revolving around one central narrative? How do you distinguish between the two? You see the two things, and there’s a lot of overlap, but they do feel distinct now.

**Alex:** I always offer this. I try not to say this too much in public. I feel like I’m weirdly gatekeeping this. But if you’re listening to this podcast, then you’re probably my people. I always give this formula whenever I’m asked to teach anything solo show-related, that every solo show has four things, which is who you are, who they are, what happened, what’s changed. I think that’s bazillion-dollar advice.

By the way, I think I saw a tweet from someone. Who’s the guy who writes the Walking Dead? I remember reading a tweet of his years ago. He was like, “Something should happen in your scripts.” He’s like, “I’m reading lots of scripts where not enough happens.” He’s like, “There should be a story, like guy walks into a bar. Someone should do something, and something should happen.” I remember thinking, “That’s really interesting.” I don’t think my four things are informed by that, but I think in a really great solo show, something happens and something changes. One of those things can be way bigger than the others. By the way, those four things can be deeply submerged in your narrative. They don’t need to be the exoskeleton.

But if you think of your show as an essay, a college essay, with your setup and then three things and then a thesis, the setup should be where you start, three things should be something that happens, and your thesis should be summing it all up, seeing what’s changed by the end. The really great solo shows that I’ve admired have had that. Birbiglia’s shows all have that. He doesn’t want a baby in the new one, and then his wife’s like, “Maybe we should get a baby,” and then they have baby. Then that’s what’s changed.

**John:** Then he’s a dad at the end. I want to get back to your four points though. I get the first one, who you are, because you’re introducing yourself to the audience and who the character is that you’re presenting there. That’s very classic. But what do you mean by who they are? Is it framing the audience?

**Alex:** They can be different. They can be the world at large. They can be the group of people you want to be a part of. They can be your marriage. They can be the desire that you feel. Sometimes I explain the four things with Walking in Memphis. You know the song by Marc Cohn?

**John:** Um-hmm.

**Alex:** It starts with, “Put on my blue suede shoes, boarded a plane, touched down in the land of the Delta Blues in the middle of the pouring rain.” This guy’s off on this journey. Something’s happening. He’s like walking into a bar. Then he has all of these experiences. They are the people of Memphis. What’s happening is he’s immersing himself and trying very hard to become in and amongst this. He goes to Graceland, and he walks down the street, and he goes to Al Green’s church, which is something he really did. Marc Cohn really did that. He’s painting a picture.

Then the last thing he does, which wouldn’t work if it was the first thing, he sings at that café with the lady. It ends with a pretty good joke. She’s like, “Tell me are you a Christian child.” And he says, “Ma’am, I am tonight,” which is really a pretty solid joke for a Jew. Then the last line is, “Put on my blue suede shoes, boarded the plane, touched down in the land of the Delta Blues in the middle of the pouring rain.” That thing is completely transformed by its contact with the they.

The genius of the song is, who he is is Marc Cohn, the they is the people of Memphis, what’s happened is he’s changed by that, and possibly, because of that last verse, they’re changed by that a little bit. This guy walks into this bar, and the woman is like, “Do you want to sing a song?” He sings a song, which in real life was Amazing Grace, the only song he knew that she also knew. Everyone’s changed a little by it. What a beautiful thing that’s happened. That makes it unique.

The you is the person narrating, or your main character. The they is whatever world they’ve gone into. Bonus points if the world that they’ve gone into is one that they’ve used a lot of agency to head towards, because that’ll give you a much better what happened. Then the what’s changed is… Sorry to nerd out on it.

**John:** It absolutely makes sense. What I’m hearing is obviously we have the classic things setting up who you are. The character goes on a journey. They are transformed throughout the course of the journey. It’s a very much hero’s journey thing.

One thing I think is different about watching your shows and Birbiglia shows and really all the solo shows I’ve seen is that they are dependent on framing who the audience is who’s watching this performer, and there’s a conversation there, but it’s not the classic stand-up conversation, where we’re just waiting for the laughs or we are doing crowd work. It’s a very specific kind of conspiratorial, like, “You’re gonna come with me on this journey.” You’re inviting them to step into this place, which is different than what we would do in a normal stage show or in a screenplay. Obviously, you’re trying to get the audience involved and invested, but they’re also right there. You’re having to engage with them in ways that are very specific and different. I’ve done a Broadway show. Yes, the audience is important. You want them to laugh. You want them to cry and feel things. But they’re not part of the show the way that I think these solo shows need to pull people on stage with you.

**Alex:** What do you mean in terms of defining the audience? Having to speak directly to the audience as a form of direct address and direct where they are?

**John:** I’m thinking to your show specifically. We’re in the Taper, and you’re putting up your expectations of who the people are who have bought this ticket. I think you are calling out what this crowd is in Los Angeles, who these people are, and what you’re expecting they’re expecting out of you, is a thing that I noticed in these shows.

**Alex:** I’m just telling a story. In some ways it’s the rawest form, the most minimalist form of telling a story. The delicacy of that collective experience, the fact that at any point someone could stand up and ruin it makes it really special. That recursiveness is really fun for me.

But also, I wrote something – I can’t remember, one of the umpteen things that I’ve been writing or talking about in order to promote the special. I said that that sort of direct and immediate feedback loop is very rare. It’s like if DiCaprio got to look into the camera and be like, “Hey, this is the part where we hit the iceberg, and people get really sad here.” There’s a really interesting thing where you get to comment immediately on what’s happening.

But also, my favorite thing about the show or the form itself may be people not being sure entirely of the context. Should I be allowed the leeway that people aren’t yelling? My favorite moments are the moments that are very silent, very confusing, or where I tell the audience that I’m only telling you stuff that I think you’ll enjoy, and so the audience gets to wonder what they’re not getting.

I think solo shows can offer audience as a kind of mystique that a lot of other art forms can’t. I think the questions around the context and around whether or not you’re bringing the audience with you and how much is you and how much is them I think are probably one of the most special things about it. But I don’t know that stand-up comedy doesn’t have that too.

I totally understand when people draw a distinction between my show and stand-up comedy, but the truth is my last preview of the show before I brought it to New York City was at Comedy on State in Madison, Wisconsin. I did a comedy club where people bought chicken fingers and had a two-drink minimum and got a check.

I’ve always been really fascinated by people that can blur the line a little bit between genres. I’ve always thought my show was both heavily rooted in stand-up comedy and also absolutely theater. There’s a comic who I think is criminally underappreciated in Christopher Titus who used to do this. Colin Quinn does it. Mike Birbiglia does it. I’ve always liked stand-up and theater, and I’ve always thought a more expansive definition of both services the art forms better.

**John:** I want to talk a little bit more specifically about your show, your special. What is the short version? How do you describe it to somebody who’s going in, that doesn’t spoil crucial things?

**Alex:** The short version is about a guy, a Jew, me, who goes to a meeting of White Nationalists in Queens, and he sits there for a little while, and eventually, one of them’s like, “Sorry, but this guy’s a Jew,” and I’m like, “Yeah, I’m a Jew.” That’s roughly what the show is about. This real-life experience was the basis for this show. Of course, along the way, there are tangents into autobiographical stuff that I think is related to the narrative or conversant with the major narrative that has an underlying theme and is full of laughs, because I’m an entertainer first, so the show is like joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. But yeah, is this one narrative with a bunch of tangents, but never tangents on a tangent.

**John:** We talked at the start about writing what you know, but this is a case where you are deliberately putting yourself in a place, a position that is somewhat perilous with the intention of there’s gonna be material here, there’s gonna be a story to tell. Correct, or is that not fair?

**Alex:** If I’m being honest, I thought it was slightly too specific to ever become content. I just thought it was a fun story that I would tell my friends. Then I told enough friends that I respect who were like, “You’re doing this as stand-up, right?” I told my friend Danny Jolles, who’s a great writer and comedian. I told Morgan Evans, another great writer and filmmaker, and my friend Chloe. I told a bunch of people, and then eventually Adam Brace, who was my director and a playwright himself. Adam was like, “This is your show.” Adam was the one who stewarded it along.

**John:** What were they seeing in the stories that you weren’t seeing? What were they pointing out like, “There’s a journey here. There’s material here.”

**Alex:** I don’t know. Danny and another comic named Nick – Nick said something that made me think maybe it was a show, because I told him a thing, and then he responded with a punchline. I told him a detail from the actual moment, and he responded with a punchline to it. I was like, “That’s really good.” I was like, “That’s a really good joke.” Then I thought, “Oh, I want that punchline.”

I think every joke I ever tell has one reason for it existing, and it’s one moment in the thing. It’s either a funny face that you pull or a funny word that you say or a particularly interesting thought that you can somehow boil down to one line. There’s always a reason. I think Nick pointing that out – Nick Callas, really talented comic – he gave it really good heft. But I think Adam saw a thing that could unfold. Birbiglia, by the way, saw it more.

Birbiglia is the producer of the show in New York. When I told Birbiglia about the solo show, it was already a solo show. But Birbiglia went and saw it and was like, “You can pull out more. This can accordion out to something that’s more interesting, more profound.” I think the smarter people saw folds in that story that might be good, but it was Mike and Adam who saw different aspects to it. Adam saw something that maybe was tangentially geopolitical. Mike saw something that could speak a little to me as a person.

And then little notes from folks along the way. Billy Crystal is the one who suggested we move from a handheld mic to a headset mic. He said there’s theatrical potential in the story. I had lots and lots and lots of help from people who saw things in the story and provoked me, who offered provocations.

**John:** But because we’re a very process podcast, I want to talk about the process of going from, okay, you’re telling us an incident that you’re talking about with your friends, to, “This is a thing that I’m putting up the first temporary version of the show.” What is the writing process of going from that? At what point did you figure out structure and things? How early did you start showing that to people?

**Alex:** I had done maybe a joke or two about it in a stand-up set. But it was literally two, three minutes. It got some laughs. Maybe I told it on a storytelling night or something. But very special experience with Adam Brace.

Adam and I met my last semester at NYU. He was a British person. He worked on Fleabag, which his partner at the time, Vicky Jones, co-wrote with Phoebe. He was one of the voices and also was there at all of these early previews and I’m sure gave notes. I don’t know how big or little his contribution was. But he worked on countless great things. We worked on three solo shows together. He was one of my closest friends, if not the closest friend, for 11 years. He passed away right before we starred on Broadway. It’s a shame for him not to see this show finish its run. To say it’s a bummer is a bit of an understatement.

But Adam and I would drink – I don’t drink much, but I do with Adam – at this one table in Soho, at this place called the Soho Hotel. Adam had this notebook. When I was trying to get work together for new material gigs, I would sit down with Adam, and I’d throw everything at him, because I lived in the United States. Adam lived in England. Sometimes it’d be months before we saw each other.

I’d just come out of a room and was trying to get staffed. I wasn’t getting staffed. I had some meetings. It was very multi-cammy. I sat down with Adam and I just threw all this stuff at him. So much stuff. When I started telling him this story, his provocations were great. He was like, “What happened there?” I was like, “This and that.” He was like, “What could happen here? Maybe this speaks to an element of your personality. Maybe that could tie in with this joke. What if you massage this for this joke?” That story came together as a narrative pretty quickly, and then it went on stage probably two nights later. But it was amongst like 20 other things.

**John:** But when you say it came together and you’re putting it on stage, what are you writing down, and how are you writing it down? Is this just a Word document?

**Alex:** I’m not even writing. I think I had bullet points. Maybe there’s a sheet of paper somewhere with bullet points. Some people write with Word documents. I do write with Word documents sometimes. Sometimes I write on my phone. Sometimes I write in notebooks. Sometimes I write in various notes. This process for me is always like, if it’s good enough, you remember, and if you’ve got an accountability partner, which I had in Adam, he’ll remember. Adam had a notebook.

This is horrifying to say. Once, we started a run somewhere, and we figured out that the show was running three minutes light. I was like, “Why is it running three minutes light? Is my tempo different?” I looked at him. I was like, “Oh my god, I forgot that joke.” He’s like, “What? Oh my god, the vaccine joke’s not in there.” I was like, “Yeah, I forgot to tell the vaccine joke.” He was like, “The last eight nights, you’ve just missed. You’ve just missed.” By the way, the show’s already been running. The show had run in New York for like a year and a half at that point. I was like, “Don’t tell anybody.” He’s like, “No, no, no, I’m not gonna.” But he was like, “You forgot a chunk of your show.” It wasn’t even the vaccine joke. I think maybe it was the joke about Prince Harry that’s in the special. But I had completely forgotten a thing.

When the show started off Broadway, the PR people were like, “Can we get a transcript for press?” I was like, “There’s no transcript.” They were like, “What do you mean there’s no transcript?” I was like, “I just tell the story with the offshoots.” They were like, “What do you mean you tell the story?” At some point, a review appeared, and Adam sent me a picture of it with something circled. I called someone who worked with me, and I was like, “Do you guys generate the transcript?” They were like, “Yes.” I was like, “Is it out of an audio recording from this date?” They were like, “How did you know?” I was like, “Because I said something one time in that one show, and it showed up in this review.” It’s a thing that has been completely excised from the show. The word choice I didn’t care for.

**John:** That’s wild.

**Alex:** I’d never wrote anything down, which isn’t to say there weren’t reams and reams of paper that were important for this, writing down little bits of things or trying to cut extra words out. Sometimes I’ll write down a sentence and try to examine if I can cut one or two words to trim the facts. If you do that cumulatively, you can wind up saving double-digit minutes over the course of 90. That’s super granular.

But I’m very anti writing stuff down, because as soon as you do, it starts to calcify in the brain, and I think it removes your potential for growth, unless you sit down consciously and write again. You need the synthesis of preparing off stage and writing on stage. That time that your brain is alive in the show is really important and valuable. Look. John, you know, and everyone who writes who’s listening knows that there are moments where you’re in the zone and you’re in the flow. When you’re on stage, you are by necessity in the flow. You are stress tested into that tightrope energy. Maybe I could write it down, and I just am operating from a very old data set.

**John:** As we’re recording this, is there a written script version of Just For Us?

**Alex:** Yes, but I’d probably take a look at it, because I don’t know that it’s accurate. Shows should be conversing with the moment that they’re in and also an escape from it. We recorded the special in August. Then October 7th happened. Not to get into anything too prickly, but October 7th happened. My show is about assimilation and whiteness and Judaism. I wrote a line to open every show that we did after October 7th, and then Israel as a weighty subject got called back towards the end of the show. It’s not right that it goes in the recorded version of the show, because hopefully there will be at some point a resolution to this horrific conflict, the one that is occurring right now in Gaza, but also the larger one. You’d like your special to be an evergreen one, so you don’t want to date it by putting in something temporal. But at the same time, a live experience is a very different one. You have to give people a live experience.

When we were editing the special, Alex Timbers, the director, and I, we cut out some of the things that happened in the room that night that were just there for the Broadway audience, because doing something for the audience at home is a completely different product.

There is a written version somewhere. In fact, I know there is, because it’s gonna be released as a play at some point. I just heard that someone’s gonna license it to do it, which I’m very interested in seeing. I’m really fascinated in seeing it. Any written version would be obsolete to me the next time I perform it. It’s a really weird, sedulous double bind, I guess.

**John:** Let’s wrap up by talking about the actual writing you’ve had to do for other folks and where there is actually a script that things have to be shot. In the midst of doing the solo shows along the way, you’ve staffed as a TV writer. Why did you want to do that? What was cool about it? What was challenging about it? Talk to us about you as a TV writer.

**Alex:** I have learned so much from my showrunners. I have had the best, best, best education, not just at NYU, but I worked on The Great Indoors, which did one season on CBS, so it’s not like it lit the world on fire, but my showrunner, Chris Harris, and my creator, Mike Gibbons. I worked with these great writers, like Liz Feldman, who did Dead to Me, and Tad Quill and Craig Doyle. Everyone on that writing staff has had a very fruitful career as a television writer. I learned so much about story and so much about structure in a way that helped me with my work.

There’s no way I could’ve written my solo show without the sort of guidance that structuring television could’ve provided me. I felt this really keenly during the strike, that if you nourish a TV writer, you’re nourishing a novelist and you’re nourishing a playwright and you’re nourishing a songwriter and you’re nourishing a performer. All of these talents cross over, and all these crafts cross over. I got a pretty good sense of that as soon as I started writing for television, even when it was non-union award show stuff. I was like, “Oh my god, I’m picking up stuff. I’m learning a lot.” I think that learning really helped. And then all the more so getting to work with Jenji Kohan on Teenage Bounty Hunters. We adapted something for Netflix that didn’t go, but we loved and are still trying to do. I’ve worked with the greatest people. I work with truly the most incredible folks.

There’s even a bit in the show, which is something that I do in life now, that I took from Chris Harris, the showrunner, who I think is running Frazier at the moment, actually. Chris would do this thing when another writer said something to him that I know Chris didn’t want to engage with or couldn’t engage with, he would just go, “Can you believe it?” In my show, I’m in this meeting, which happened after I had gotten out of the writers’ room, and someone says something to me, and I don’t know how to answer. I just went, “Can you believe it?” which is something I learned from Chris Harris. Chris is thanked, and the special thanks is, “Chris Harris for a very useful four-word phrase in the show.”

Look, man, you get paid a pretty good amount of money – not enough money, but a pretty good amount of money – to sit in a room with folks who have been professionally curated for how smart and funny they are, you’re gonna pick something up. I loved being in a room. I can’t wait for the chance to do it again. I’ve gotten to organize my own, occasionally, for little things that I’ve written for the BBC, or I was telling you about before this, I do this thing called Saturday Night Seder, which was a thing I put together with Benj Pasek, who’s a songwriter.

**John:** Yeah, composer, songwriter.

**Alex:** He did Dear Evan Hansen and La La Land and Greatest Showman in the beginning of the pandemic.

**John:** They did the song in my movie Aladdin.

**Alex:** That’s right, that’s right. I remember. Those guys are such, such geniuses. Benj and I were complaining to each other over the phone that we weren’t gonna be able to do anything for Passover, because everyone was locked inside of their homes. It was beginning of quarantine, 2020. Benj was like, “We should do an online version.” I was like, “Let’s put a writers’ room together.” We put together this writers’ room with Sas Goldberg and Michael Mitnick and Josh Harmon and a whole bunch of TV folks. Everyone was just sitting at home. Just even over Zoom, being in that room was so nourishing and fun. We would scream and argue and joke. We wrote all these sketches for Bette Midler and Idina Menzel and Josh Groban, and we raised $3 and a half million for COVID relief. It was the coolest thing I’ve ever gotten to be a part of. It didn’t enrich anyone except for those lucky goddamn nurses who got all that PPE.

**John:** Totally.

**Alex:** It didn’t enrich anyone. Those nurses have had it too good for too long. There’s nothing like the collective of a writers’ room, really, under any auspices. It’s just the best thing in the world.

**John:** I don’t miss almost anything about the pandemic, but I do miss the permission it gave you to do things that were wild and nuts. We had live shows on Zoom. We had Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Ryan Reynolds on for an episode. Those were reaches that we felt possible, because I was on a Zoom with Phoebe and Tina Fey earlier in the pandemic. Everything was possible in a way, and that was exciting.

**Alex:** I loved it.

**John:** Before we wrap up the wonder of writers’ rooms, what were your samples that got you The Great Indoors? What were they reading that said, “Oh, that’s who we should get.”

**Alex:** Oh my gosh. No one’s ever asked me, but I love this. I wrote a sample that I still love so much. It’s a little frustrating to me, because sometimes I will meet people in the wild, and they’re like, “Oh my god, I’ve read Celestials,” which is the name of the sample. They’re like, “What a great sample.” I was always like, “No, I wrote it as a TV show. It’s supposed to get made.”

It’s set in Heaven, but not like dead people Heaven, like Earth doesn’t exist yet Heaven. It’s cubicle farmy and a workspace. Because there’s no established rules to what it is, it’s a little bit surreal. This guy who’s essentially an intern comes up with a pitch for Planet Earth, and he shows it to a bunch of people in the architecture department. They’re all these Scandinavian figures. They’re like, “This is pretty stupid,” except for one guy who’s like, “It’s pretty interesting.” He’s discouraged, and he throws it away. But one of the other interns, who’s really ambitious and doesn’t like him, puts it in God’s suggestion box. God is a 12-year-old girl with an iPhone, because that was the scariest thing I could think of. God gets fixated on one detail, which turns out to be kittens. She’s like, “I love this. Just go do it. It won’t cost too much. Just go do it.” She demotes their boss to work with them and gives them the Scandinavian architect who thought it was a good idea.

It’s basically Genesis. Also, it was about millennial workplace dynamics, because everybody that I knew was in this sort of place in their live where they were just getting out of college or they were three, four years out of college, and they wanted all this responsibility, but they didn’t really know what to do once they got it, and they had no hope of getting it.

I wrote this thing. Thankfully, Chris Harris was like… The Great Indoors is about millennial workplace dynamics. He read it. I came in for the meeting. He went, “You really know this world.” But again, it’s that thing, write what you know. It’s very heightened, but it’s grounded in that, like, I know what it’s like to want more responsibility in a workplace and clearly not be ready for it. That was my sample. Again, no one’s asked me about that in five, six years. But I love it. I’m sure if I read it, I would cringe a little bit. Every so often, someone’s like, “I love Celestials.” I was like, “Oh my god! I can’t believe… ” That was my sample that got me staffed on The Great Indoors. God, they were so patient with me. It’s where I heard Who Jackie for the first time and “can the floor be wet” and all these other writer inside jokes. I love it and miss it so much. That probably was one of the best times of my life. It was fantastic.

**John:** Nice. We have two listener questions here that are related to this. Drew, can you help us out?

**Drew Marquardt:** Gordon in LA writes, “My writing partner and I submitted our comedy pilot to our new manager. Pilot’s been through many drafts and received very positive reviews from peers and fellow writers. We were anticipating more positive feedback from our new manager, who we both recently paired with. The feedback call with the manager went about as bad as possible. He totally misunderstood the comedic tone, going so far as to ask whether the pilot was meant to be a drama. Bottom line, he didn’t find it funny. The manager wants us to rewrite the pilot into a more digestible broad comedy, which are more sellable in the current TV market. He has no interest in sending this draft around town. We’d be happy to write a different script as a broad comedy, but the chief question is, if your manager doesn’t find your writing funny, is it time to find a new manager?”

**John:** Oy.

**Alex:** It’s a really tough question, isn’t it?

**John:** Yeah. My first agent, I shared the script for Go with, and he didn’t get it. I moved to a different agency that got it. That’s certainly possible. Alex, I wonder whether Gordon’s script is good or it’s not good. We can’t read it ourselves.

**Alex:** I’m trying to find the gentlest way to say this. This is from a stand-up comedian’s brain. Comedy should ideally communicate very clearly to as many people as possible. The challenge of threading the needle and making something that reflects who you are and your authentic voice comedically while also resonating with the audience that you’re intending it for, it’s the biggest craft challenge. It feels like for whatever reason, your manager has not been able to get there.

You can put it on your script, or you can put it on the manager, but your WiFi’s not working. Something is broken, and so you should try to figure out what that is. But if you sent in the pages and they’re not getting it from the page, and that’s a pretty good sample of what that is, and if it’s just bad luck of the draw, and out of 100 people, your manager is the one person that that’s not for, you need to figure out why that reason is. Gordon, I’m not saying that it’s your case, but usually the case is a craft failing. I wouldn’t take it as a super four-alarm fire that your manager, quote, “doesn’t get you,” but I’d take a look at the pages and I’d take a look at the manager and see if it’s all, I don’t know, copacetic.

**John:** I don’t think you should rewrite this thing to make it funnier, because that’s not gonna be satisfying to anybody. If he doesn’t want to send this out, it’s because he doesn’t think it’s gonna help. You have to trust him that he has some sense of whether he could send it to people that would actually respond to it. If you’re gonna write something new that’s a more broadly funny thing, if there’s something you can do that is more clearly broadly funny that actually does work in your voice, I would go for that, but you may also need to look for a different place.

**Alex:** Also, the one question I’d also ask is if you want to be broadly funny. Not everybody wants that. Everyone’s comedy tone is different.

**John:** Drew, next question.

**Drew:** Tom in Warwickshire writes, “I lost my voice this weekend, and whilst trying to remain silent to help myself recover, I became very aware of how often I talk to myself, as in literally talking aloud, not just an inner monologue, albeit in a hush tone. While I know a lot of people talk to themselves, it made me wonder if I’m in part influenced to do this because I’ve seen characters in movies do it. We’ll often see characters vocalize what the audience is thinking, for example, someone following another person whilst trying to remain unseen and saying, ‘Where are you going?’ I’m interested in what you think about this technique and when it’s used to best effect.”

**John:** Tom we know is British because he says “whilst.” “Whilst” is just such a specific shibboleth word. Alex, do you talk to yourself a lot?

**Alex:** In the shower, like, “Oh, water is everywhere.” No, I’m just kidding. I think I talk to myself a lot. I more often sing to myself out loud, because I badly want to sing but don’t want anyone else to hear it. When I’m alone is the perfect time to do Baby Shark.

If a character monologues to themselves, I’m like, “What are you doing?” But also, it may be a conceit of film that I’m just comfortable with. But maybe subconsciously I’m like, it’s a little bit cheesy, because when you hang on a lantern on it, I’m like, oh yeah, that is annoying when someone’s like, “Where is he going?”

**John:** When it’s convenient, it doesn’t feel earned. People do talk to themselves in real life. You do experience it. I’m sure there’s some psychological study where they actually documented what percentage of people do speak out loud to themselves, their inner monologue is expressed outward. Sometimes it can be a compulsion. There was some producer of Matt Damon or Ben Affleck’s who was notorious for, if they were riding down a road, he had to read aloud all the signs he saw. That’s a thing that happens too. I wouldn’t worry about it for Tom. It’s nice that you’re recognizing that that’s a thing you do. But I will say recognize when you do it, when you don’t do it, and if you’re gonna have characters do it, make sure it feels authentic and real.

**Alex:** A thing that I do that I’m embarrassed to admit, but I will, I will have a side of an argument that I will never actually have in real life.

**John:** Oh, 100 percent. You gotta rehearse it.

**Alex:** It’s the first cousin of l’esprit de l’escalier, the spirit of the staircase, the thing that you figure out what you should’ve said when you’re at the top of the stairs in the party instead of the bottom of the stairs getting into the Uber, so the, “You know what? I’ve worked hard for this, and you don’t know.” You’re talking to someone who may or may not even be aware of the fact that you exist, but you’re having a big argument. The thing that I would question in shows is whether or not that advances character or story. I don’t know sometimes.

**John:** To some degree, it’s doing the function of a song in a musical, that it’s exposing the person’s inner life and what’s actually happening behind their eyes. I don’t see people rehearsing that one half of an argument on film that much, but lord knows I do it constantly. I’ve had so many arguments with folks that have no idea that I was ever actually angry. It’s a thing I’ll talk about in therapy.

It’s time for our One Cool Things. My One Cool Thing is a book by Jordan Mechner. He and I did Prince of Persia together and other shows. He created the video game Prince of Persia, but he’s now actually mostly a writer and an artist. He created this graphic novel that he drew himself as well. The story tells three intersecting timelines of different generations of his family. It’s 1914 with his grandfather in the Austria-Hungarian Empire during World World I, 1938 with his father who was fleeing the Nazis into France and trying to get his family all back together, and then 2015 when Jordan moves to France, the same time that I was there living in Paris, as his marriage is falling apart and he’s trying to get his family to move to this new place. Really brilliantly done. I’m reading it now in English. It was out in French last year. I tried reading it in French, and it was just over my head. But it’s really great. Jordan Mechner, really wonderful storyteller and actually a really good artist now too. We can be very jealous of everything Jordan Mechner does. It’s called Replay-

**Alex:** What?

**John:** … by Jordan Mechner. It’s in bookstores everywhere now.

**Alex:** Seriously? Are you serious? It’s called Replay?

**John:** Replay.

**Alex:** I swear to god this is not planned. The thing that I want to suggest is called Replay. It’s a book that I reread recently. It’s so cool. It’s by a guy named Ken Grimwood. It’s a science fiction novel or a speculative fiction novel. It’s about a guy who dies on the fourth page of the book and then wakes up in his dorm room at 18.

**John:** Oh, love it.

**Alex:** Then it’s this time loop thing. I don’t think I’m giving too much away to say that he gets to the same age in his second incarnation and then he dies again and he wakes up again. Now he’s stuck in this loop. It asks these more interesting questions about what it means to live your life when you have a chance to do it again and again and again. The book is very entertaining and is very cool and is very fun. I feel a little weird suggesting – I know that people when they come on and they suggest a cool thing, they usually suggest a thing that is contemporary, but I really like the book. I think it’s brimming with ideas. Occasionally, I have brought it up with someone else, and they also like it. It’s one of those books that has a secret fan club. I think it’s really cool. When I reread it, I was kind of riveted. I can’t believe that.

**John:** They’re both books called Replay.

**Alex:** I’m just blown away.

**John:** They get to the replay mechanics in different ways. One is a time loopy kind of thing. One is the generational cycles that you go through in terms of moving and trying to reestablish your family, coupled with video games are meant to be replayed. That’s wild.

**Alex:** Can I just say for the listenership that is listening, John’s face showed zero surprise, zero, when I said Replay. It was so cool. I was almost really disconcerted by it. I was like, “Did I reach out to tell them that this is my… ” I definitely didn’t. But you were one cool customer when I was like – because that was me, when I’m like, “Huh? What?”

**John:** What? That’s impossible.

**Alex:** Replay by Ken Grimwood. Wow, I am gob-smacked by that coincidence. Wow. I’m really, really blown away by that. I have to read Jordan’s book now.

**John:** This is where Craig would remind us that we’re in a simulation and sometimes there are just blips in the simulation and this is just one of those little things.

**Alex:** By the way, the Prince of Persia video game is very good.

**John:** It’s so good. It’s so good. It was a classic. He’s great. The Prince of Persia movie is not so good. But the script Jordan wrote for it originally, before it got changed, was actually terrific. You should read his book and see what a good writer he really is.

**Alex:** One of my favorite things is to read scripts for movies that seem a little high-concept and don’t quite work. Sometimes you read the script and you’re like, “Oh my god.” Liz Meriwether’s script for a romantic comedy – I think it was with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman – it was called Friends With Benefits, but the script originally is called Fuckbuddies. The movie still has great moments, but the script is hysterical. The script is laugh out loud. Every moment on the page is so good. Reading scripts for movies that don’t always come together is such a beautiful-

**John:** A delightful thing. That is our show this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt. It’s edited by Matthew Chilelli. Our outro this week is by Ali Clifton. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also a place where you can send questions. You will find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s where you’ll find the transcripts and sign up for our weekly newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. We have T-shirts and hoodies. They’re great. You can find them at Cotton Bureau. You can sign up to become a Premium Member at scriptnotes.net, where you get all the back-episodes and Bonus Segments, like the one we’re about to record on dating funny people. Alex Edelman, it is an absolute pleasure to talk with you about your show and all things.

**Alex:** This is so much fun. This is such a blast for me. I love this podcast, so to be on it is… Sometimes I’ve had chats with other people who listen to this podcast, so I really look forward to hearing from the folks that I know who do. This is so cool.

**John:** The people who text you to let you know that you’re on Scriptnotes this week.

**Alex:** I genuinely will get text messages from a bunch of writer friends or people who are aspiring writers, and I love them all. These craft conversations are my absolute favorite thing. I hope I didn’t get too granular for the folks listening. If I did, I apologize.

**John:** Not even possible.

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** You are writing about stuff that is happening in your real life. You are performing. You’re on stage. You’re talking about things. You are also sometimes dating people who are in that same space of comedy. Are there issues that come up with like, “Okay, don’t talk about this. Do talk about this,” “I want to talk about this,” you’re talking about the same things? How often does that come up in a conversation?

**Alex:** I’ve always liked the idea of talking about my relationships and things like that, but it’s never really been a huge part of my stand-up. Maybe it’s because I started stand-up so young that no one actually wanted to hear me talk about dating, that people would rather hear me tell stories from my life that don’t make them think too hard about whether or not they’re additional characters or something like that. I don’t know why.

In the pandemic, I would do this Zoom show called UnCabaret, which in real life is also a beloved storytelling show in Los Angeles, and tell stories about my partner and how dumb I was in front of my partner. They liked that.

But my first partner was a comedian in England who would constantly make jokes about fictional boyfriend or an ex-boyfriend or something. I was always very comfortable with her fictionalizing me. I was very comfortable with her taking real things and spinning them. I like when stand-up comedy has a degree of mystique to it or a degree of embellishment to it. I think that’s where the artistry oftentimes lies.

But with that said, I’ve also dated someone or people who don’t want to be talked about in my stand-up. I’ve been very clear about that from the get-go. I have respected it even when it’s something I really want to say on stage. Obviously, your primary partner is gonna be a huge, huge fountain of material, and especially how you relate to them is gonna be a huge fountain of material. But I always try to err on the side of not embarrassing my partner, especially the ones who have tried to draw a clear boundary there. But something funny happens to both of us, and you’re like, “Who owns it? Who owns it?”

**John:** That happens with other folks who are writers. I know many two-writer couples, and so there’s issues of who’s gonna do the thing with that stuff. The difference is though if I’m writing a script with other characters and I’m using this moment that happened and I’m putting it in a character’s mouth or creating that situation, there is a distance there. But if you are doing a one-man solo show as Alex Edelman, and you’re talking about this person you’re dating, a very natural sense of, like, oh, that’s the real person.

I feel like I know Mike Birbiglia’s wife, Jen, just because she’s been a presence in all the stuff he’s been doing for the last 10 years. I feel like she’s a live character there on stage, even though I’ve never met her in person. You have to have a conversation clearly with people about the edges of that.

**Alex:** I’m sure there’s an edge for Jen, and I’m sure there’s an edge for Mike. I think it’s a very scalloped edge. It’s really hard to tell sometimes what people are gonna be upset about or what they’re gonna be thrilled by. But also, Mike figures generously in Jen’s poetry, I imagine. In fact, I know he does, because sometimes he reads it on stage. With two-writer couples, what they should do is… When Michael Green and his wife, Amber, had that samurai attack on their home, they were able to together create Blue Eye Samurai.

**John:** Absolutely. Together, they were able to make Blue Eye Samurai, and really what a moment that was. But like you, it wasn’t their home. They moved to Japan specifically so that it would happen, and it changed everything.

**Alex:** Although sometimes, by the way, you get differing perspectives. I’m sure there are many examples of a schismatic marriage, and you wind up with the Nora Ephron side and the Carl Bernstein side. By the way, sometimes you only end up with one side and are tasked with remembering yourself that there’s another.

Also, sometimes people are like – even though I don’t talk about my partners – “How does your family feel about your depictions of them in the show?” It’s like, first of all, they’re mostly fine with it. Second of all, there’s artistic license taken and exaggeration that you should assume for the grace of the people being depicted. You should always assume a curatorial bias.

One of my partners and I, we were living below a five-month-old baby, and I wrote a joke about it. My partner was like, “You know what? That’s happening to me more. You’re on the road mostly. I’m stuck at home. The baby crying and waking you up, it’s happening to me tenfold times over.” I don’t know if she ever did anything with it.

**John:** Did you agree that you didn’t get to use the joke or that you’d have separate versions of the joke?

**Alex:** I don’t think we ever came to a consensus on it, but I also don’t think it was a huge argument. But it is definitely a problem. There were other instances of that where I think we did have a conversation. Something happened on a hike, and I was like, “That’s really funny.” It happened to the partner, and the partner was like, “That’s not your story. That’s a thing that happened to me.” I was like, “But I watched it happen, and my take on it is I think the funnier thing.” Of course that was a whole different argument. They were like, “How dare you.” Ultimately, I was like, “Right, you have the story about the hike yourself, and that’ll be your thing.” I genuinely tried to argue, like an idiot. I was like, “Look, that traumatic experience that you went through, I also – because I subjected you to the trauma and made you go on the hike, I should be able to do that.” The chutzpah of that argument I think was really like – I wouldn’t make it now.

**John:** Let’s say the partner gets the actual story of the incident that happened, but you do own your reaction to what the thing was. Do you feel that’s fair to fictionalize what the inciting incident was, so you can get to the point of how you felt about the thing?

**Alex:** I think it’s fair to fictionalize everything, so yes. I am very adamant about what’s best for the material is what’s best for the material. Usually it’s the truth. But it’s very interesting to me. I’m not even Jewish, so me going to that meeting is really-

**John:** Wow, it really was a brave choice.

**Alex:** Yeah, a brave choice.

**John:** I think the fact checkers are gonna come after you for that.

**Alex:** Of course. The funny thing is that I think fictionalizing an inciting incident is always what an audience should kind of assume. Things are streamlined. I think fictionalizing an inciting incident to differentiate from the version that your partner, also a creator, may depict is a really interesting thing to do, and in fact, might be a good creative exercise.

**John:** I see Alex is jotting down notes as he’s doing this, like, “Save the hike story.”

**Alex:** But by the way, if the funny thing is the reaction, like I said in the main body of the episode, every joke that I tell has a reason for existing, and the reason is usually off-story. The reason is usually aesthetic-related or craft-related or performance-related.

I had a thing I was excited about. Someone said to me, “I don’t think you should do that. It’s too similar to this Doug Stanhope bit.” I don’t really know Doug Stanhope’s material, but I went, “Okay, what if I found a more circuitous route to delivering that line? Maybe I’d wind up with something better.” And it did.

You can always differentiate the account from your partner’s. I also think that’s really interesting for a couple to do. But again, I have very different comfort levels and boundaries than most people, so sometimes I try to account for how my partner will feel or how an audience member will feel or how someone who may have been in a similar situation at a point in their life will feel.

**John:** Cool. Alex, thank you again for this conversation.

**Alex:** Thanks so much for having me, John. I hope I didn’t talk too much.

**John:** No, it was awesome. Thank you.

Links:

* [Alex Edelman](https://www.alexedelmancomedy.com/)
* [Just For Us on HBO](https://www.hbo.com/movies/alex-edelman-just-for-us)
* [Replay by Jordan Mechner](https://www.jordanmechner.com/en/books/replay/)
* [Replay by Ken Grimwood](https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/341735)
* [Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!](https://cottonbureau.com/people/scriptnotes-podcast)
* [Check out the Inneresting Newsletter](https://inneresting.substack.com/)
* [Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/gifts) or [treat yourself to a premium subscription!](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/)
* Craig Mazin on [Threads](https://www.threads.net/@clmazin) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/clmazin/)
* John August on [Threads](https://www.threads.net/@johnaugust), [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/johnaugust/?hl=en) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/johnaugust)
* [John on Mastodon](https://mastodon.art/@johnaugust)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Ali Clifton ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/640standardV2.mp3).

Scriptnotes, Episode 639: Intrinsic Motivation, Transcript

June 3, 2024 Scriptnotes Transcript

The oringinal post for this episode can be found here.

John August: Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

Craig Mazin: My name is Craig Mazin.

John: And this is Episode 639 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Today on the show, why are you or your characters doing what you’re doing? We’ll look at intrinsic motivation, both on screen and in the brain, because Craig loves neurobiology.

Craig: Love it. I love it.

John: Love it. It’s good stuff. We’ll also answer a bunch of listener questions. And in our Bonus Segment for Premium Members, Craig, will human beings ever leave the solar system?

Craig: I have an answer for that. We’ll save it for the people that paid for it.

John: Absolutely. Craig, happy birthday.

Craig: Aw, thank you, John. 53 years old.

John: Nicely done.

Craig: Prime number. Always like that. Always enjoy a prime number. Still in my early 50s.

John: Exactly.

Craig: Still in my early 50s. Hanging onto the early 50s. I know that for people in their 20s, early 50s is hysterical. Oh, congrats on your early 50s, grandpa. Back in the day, John, you were in your early 50s, you were on a glide path to the golden watch-

John: Absolutely.

Craig: … and retirement on the golf course and then rapidly ensuing death, I think. Now it feels like you’re just getting started.

John: You are. You’re literally just warming up.

Craig: Just warming up. The mere presence of statins to control your cholesterol, that alone-

John: That alone, it’s a lot.

Craig: My goodness.

John: I’m sure you’ve seen all these memes about the cast of Cheers and the actual age of the cast of Cheers when that show started. You realize Kelsey Grammer is 29 or something.

Craig: Coach is the one that always rattles, because Coach is 56 or something, and he looks like he’s 80, and died shortly thereafter, by the way. He didn’t live long. I don’t think he made it past the second season.

John: Which is how we got Woody Harrelson.

Craig: Woody Harrelson. But yeah, Cliff is 35. I don’t know what was going on. I don’t know what was going on.

John: I’ve seen explanations that basically, a lot of how we perceive people in older photos and stuff is because people set their clothing style and their hairstyles when they’re young, and they carry those forward, and we associate those hairstyles and ways of dressing as being an older person. That’s why when you look at photos of your parents when they’re in high school, they look old for their age.

Craig: People wanted to be old. When you look at the people on Norm, for instance. I don’t even know what Norm did for a living. Did they ever even say?

John: Yeah, they did establish it at some point. Cliff was the mailman.

Craig: He was an accountant. Norm was an accountant, and then he loses his job and wackiness ensues. But if you were a 34-year-old accountant, you wore a shirt and a tie and a rumpled jacket and that was it. People wanted to be grown up. Remember how much you wanted to be grown up?

John: Oh, yeah.

Craig: Now I feel like no one wants to grow up.

John: I’m thinking about my kid. She does, but I don’t know, there’s also a celebration of youth. I get that.

Craig: And being current. I think they felt older. I think they wanted to be older. But now, here we are in our early 50s and 20s, still wearing sneakers and jeans. People just didn’t do that. I don’t know, maybe we should go for the more rumpled-

John: That’s what we should do.

Craig: … middle-aged guy look.

John: We’ve established on the show I intend to live a very, very long life. I don’t want to jinx that by saying-

Craig: You do.

John: Yeah, but I’m fine living to 100 or 110.

Craig: I’ll tell you what. You’re gonna live as long as you live. That’s the best part. You just keep going, and then it stops.

John: We’ve talked about this also on the show. You have no intention of retirement, or does that hold any appeal to you, or is that like a beach vacation, where it doesn’t?

Craig: It doesn’t hold appeal to me currently. In my mind currently, retirement means failure, like you failed so bad at what you were doing that an entire industry said, “We’re done with you. After all this time, we’ve collectively decided you should eff off.”

John: It’s a soft cancellation.

Craig: Yeah, a soft cancellation, exactly. I could. Then the question is what would I do?

John: You’d play a lot of D&D.

Craig: I would play a ton of D&D and solve a lot of puzzles, not go to the beach, hellscape. I have a purpose. It keeps me going. Man, there are days. I love it so much that even when I absolutely loathe it, what else am I gonna do?

John: You do your thing.

Craig: It’s a hard job.

John: It is a hard job running a show, keeping a universe going. Let’s do some follow-up. Many times on the podcast we’ve talked about AI, including this experiment we did a year ago, feeding the Scriptnotes transcripts into a model. We found the results that came out of that really disappointing. Ben wrote in with some feedback on that.

Drew Marquardt: He says, “I’ve spent the last decade at Google working on creative and AI, machine learning, then generative AI for video. The models like ChatGPT and Gemini are amazing, but as you’ve found, relatively generic for specific tasks like story analysis, and are missing things like discernment or taste. You’ve also found that narrow models, like those trained on your show transcripts, are only mediocre. What this perspective is missing is human in the loop training, or HILT,” I’m gonna say hilt, “where someone tells the model that this output is good and this one is bad, on and on and on as the model gets better. The world models won’t do this for script analysis, because the use case is not important enough. You probably won’t do it for the show because it’s too time-intensive. But if you did, or someone did, the models would get better quickly and could even be trained on a director’s taste or an executive’s taste. You could input Denis Velleneuve’s body of work and find projects he would like. If you trained it well enough, it could help steer and shape them based in ways he would or might, and these patterns on top of patterns are opening up whole new ways of interrogating storytelling and taste.”

Craig: Ben is basically collaborating with the Borg. That’s what’s happening. I understand that it’s been difficult for you guys to assimilate into the Borg collective. However, I’ve been working hard, and there is a method where we can assimilate you much faster, and then you can assimilate your loved ones much faster. And eventually, we’ll all live in a cube in space.

John: It’ll be fantastic and great. I want to talk about a few things here. First off, this idea of training on taste. It’s actually been happening in Hollywood forever. Development executives are trained on their boss’s taste. It’s not just what do we think is gonna make a good movie, but what do I think my boss will actually like, and what do I know my boss will not like? There are specific red flags, and you never show those things to your boss. Sure. That may not be a great way to model what’s actually gonna be a successful movie, what’s gonna win the Academy Award, but it’s what’s going to get it through the next step of the process.

Craig: It’s funny, when Ben used the example Denis Velleneuve, in my mind at first I imagined Denis going, “No, it’s not possible. No one can understand what I want to do.” And then I thought about Denis, because he is the most humble man. I could actually see him going, “This makes sense. I believe actually computer could tell me what to do next, maybe better than I could do,” because he’s lovely. That’s my bad attempt at a Canadian French accent. I understand what Ben’s saying. All I know is that it’s all horrifying, and I kind of wish it would stop. I really do. I don’t like this at all.

John: Some of what Ben is describing we actually see in daily practice at Netflix. The Netflix algorithm, which is showing you, this is a thing you might like, it has that human-reinforced training, because it’s saying, oh, did you actually watch this whole thing? It’s taking you having finished watching a thing as a marker that you liked it, even if you’re not clicking the thumbs up, thumbs down, like, oh you must like this. We’re gonna feed you more of this. It has all the patterns for figuring out, this is other things you’re probably going to enjoy. But on the creator side, it’s a little bit more frustrating, because they will tell you, oh, if you don’t show this plot point within the first 10 minutes, people are unlikely to finish the show. Those can be frustrating notes to get from that.

Craig: It will be regressive. There was a time before the world of television, for instance, as we know it, where everything was driven by this research nonsense. Every show started to look the same. Everybody needed a dog or a funny next-door neighbor. Then it was a big challenge for shows that didn’t fit that model to even get on the air, much less get watched. But then some of them did and were huge hits, of course, because it turns out just because we say we like something doesn’t mean that’s all we like. Everybody likes fried chicken. If a restaurant that was famous for 17 different things decided to only do fried chicken, you’d be like, “Okay, I guess [unintelligible 00:09:09],” but otherwise, no.

Then television just opened up into this glorious – we’ll make anything, no matter how weird or bizarre. I don’t think AI would’ve done a very good job of that. Movies have now regressed, so it sort of flip-flopped. So many movies became cookie cutter nonsense, based on research and so forth. But maybe the success of some outliers might be getting us away from this.

But nonetheless, my sister of all people emailed me the other day, and she was saying there was somebody that was talking to her about this AI predictive platform that will tell you what shows and movies will be a hit. It just never ends. They just keep trying. I don’t think that’ll ever work.

John: It won’t work. We lived through a time of classic testing of movies and TV shows. We’d have test screenings. You’d get numbers, like, how did you do on your top two boxes, and that was a big predictor of your success. There you were actually showing it to a real audience. The experience as writers and creators was, I can hear it with an audience. We can actually see and feel how the audience is responding. Sometimes those were useful, much more useful than the numbers were useful. I’ve also done TV shows back when they actually had dials.

Craig: Turning the dial.

John: They were turning the dial. The problem is, the dial is not really showing whether you’re gonna watch that next episode. It’s just how did I feel in this moment. Turning those dials is not a good marker. The other big problem with classic research and some of these AI model research is that it can only account for what’s inside their realm of measurability. They can see, oh, did this person complete the show. But did they actually like the show, or did they hate-watch the end of the show? You don’t know.

Craig: You don’t know. Did they think about the show a week later and change their mind? You don’t know.

John: You don’t know. All the other outside factors, like what’s happening in popular opinion about it, is there water cooler talk, what are the critics saying, that’s not factored in. And that’s a big factor in whether somebody really enjoyed that program and wants to keep watching that show or wants to watch another season. You don’t know.

Craig: Also, what we do in part is designed to surprise. If the system is designed to provide you something different, the most exciting thing is something that is excellent and different. How is a machine supposed to predict excellent and different? It’s hard to account for surprise. Gödel’s incompleteness theorem.

John: Please.

Craig: Gödel. Kurt Gödel, wonderful mathematician, proved that within any closed set of mathematical rules, like our math, there will always be some things that are true that cannot be proven, which is a bit of a mind-bender. He actually proved that. I don’t know how. These mathematicians are operating on levels that I simply don’t understand.

John: And thus you need postulates and axioms and other things that are just fundamental givens.

Craig: They prove all of them, actually. It’s quite remarkable. But you can’t create a system that accounts for everything that is true within the system. There will be some things that are true that cannot be proved, which is why, for instance, there are things that we know that are true that take years and decades and centuries to prove, like Fermi’s paradox and so on. This I think is true for entertainment. There will always be things that will delight people that you cannot account for, given the known set of what delights people.

John: It’s true.

Craig: Good luck. Why am I taunting AI? I should stop taunting AI.

John: Let’s move on to some more follow-up here. We talked about blueprints and whether blueprints are a good way to describe what we write.

Drew: David G writes, “I used to work in construction management, and I would say that it is probably the most similar field to filmmaking than any other. By the time we finished building a building, most of the time, the building ended up looking exactly like the blueprint had shown. However, during the building process, we would request something called an RFI, or request for information, to the architect when we got into the field and something didn’t work, either because something unforeseen was in the way or for any other reason we couldn’t make it work. While by the end of the project the structure and idea of the building is like the blueprint was showing, lots of little changes were made to keep the project moving. Sounds like a movie, right?”

John: It does.

Craig: Kind of does, yeah. I get RFIs all day long. Every prep meeting I have. Sometimes I get an RFI that I’ve already gotten 12 times, but someone new texts me the RFI. I’m like, “Oh my god, if one more person asks me this question.” Yes, I think as much as we want to metaphorize filmmaking to construction, it’s still not great. It’s a tough one. I think sometimes the best metaphor for turning a screenplay into a show or movie is turning a screenplay into a show or movie. That’s what we should be linking back to. It is very within itself.

John: We talked about important movies two episodes ago. We had a lot of feedback on that. Let’s start with Brandon, who’s talking about games.

Drew: Brandon wrote, “I work in games, and this is a question that often comes up in that medium, particularly from younger writers and narrative designers, not just, do I need to have played whatever game, but do I need to play this entire genre.”

Craig: Oh my god.

Drew: “It’s even worse in games than movies, because games are such a comparatively huge time suck. It naturally leads to a lot of people with imposter syndrome quietly wondering whether they need to go drop $40 and 60 hours of their personal time or risk being laughed at out of the room.

“The answer I always give regarding this question is, there’s no single game you have to play to make a great game of your own. Many of your favorite games were made by people totally ignorant of the genres they wound up defining. However, playing those canon games everyone gushes about can help in two very specific ways. One, it prevents you from reinventing the wheel during that early, high-level pre-production phase when you’re trying to figure out what stuff you’ll need to figure out from scratch versus what someone else has already figured out 20 years ago. And two, it gives you a handy box of touchpoints and easily communicated shorthand when you’re up against a weird problem and need to find a clever solution in a hurry. Writing a 1,500-word design document for a dialog system takes a lot longer than saying, ‘You know, like Mass Effect,’ and dropping a YouTube link.”

Craig: Those are all great points, Brandon. I’ll add a third thing. It keeps you from coming up with a genius idea that then everybody turns, looks at you, and says, “You mean like the ending of blah-dee blah?” The point is, no, you don’t have to do everything, and also there are other people. It’s okay if someone raises their hand, says, “I’m so sorry, but that was in blankedy blank.” You’re like, “Oh, okay. Damn. Back to the drawing board for me.” Among the group, hopefully, people have seen the important things. Also, wait 20 years and people forget the things that everybody knows.

John: Some pros and cons here. I’m thinking of examples of outsider art where people who came completely outside of a system ended up making amazing things, because they just did not know any of the conventions of the genre or what had come before them. That can be really exciting. But you also have hysterical examples where people just didn’t understand what music was. I can’t think of the name of the band.

Craig: The Shags.

John: The Shags, exactly. The Shags.

Craig: They’re incredible. Frank Zappa called The Shags the best band there ever was.

John: They had just no sense of what-

Craig: None.

John: … rock-and-roll music was.

Craig: They had no sense of tempo, rhythm, lyrics, melody, instrumentation, or arrangement, coherence. It is a remarkable to listen to, and that’s why Frank Zappa said if you presumed that what they did, they did intentionally, they would be the most brilliant musicians of all time, because no musician could do that naturally. But of course, it was also terrible.

I think people maybe get a little too obsessed with watching everything, playing everything. What happens is you turn into more of a critic or a repository than you do a creator. And the more stuff that’s banging around in your head, the more likely it is that you’re gonna play this weird, “I have to do something no one else has done before” game, which will send you down some weird, artificial, over-engineered pathways.

John: An argument for sampling, and sampling broadly, is it helps you figure out what your taste is, what do you actually enjoy, what do you love. I would say don’t just play these games, but actually figure out what is it about this that’s working for you, what is not working for you, why is this a good experience for you, and so not even being so mechanical about what I’m gonna take from this, but basically how is this making me feel. That applies to games and to movies and to TV shows. What is it about this that you love? You can carry that forward, rather than this specific stuff, like this plot or this mechanic.

Craig: You get a chance maybe to play a game that you enjoy on one level. Let’s say I love the gameplay, don’t like the story. This game, love the story; game is so boring. What if I took the stuff I liked from this and stuff I liked from this, put my own spin on it? Because when Neil was working on The Last of Us – it’s a zombie game. There have been a billion zombie games. It’s a third-person shooter. Been a billion third-person shooters. But there had also been games where there were these interesting two-person relationships that weren’t really AAA video games and there wasn’t a lot of action. Fusing these things together is really interesting. Jonathan Blow, who has made some incredible indie games-

John: Braid and other things.

Craig: Braid is a great example of somebody saying, what if you took a very simple platformer, added a little quirky backwards time unroll element, but then tell a story that is so bizarre and deep and rich and weird and kind of Vonnegut-ish, and you get something remarkable like Braid.

John: In the case of Blow and Braid, you have to have played enough of those games to understand how platformers work and what the conventions are in order to be able to subvert that.

Craig: You follow your love. If you have this real deep love for a certain genre, what do you do now to do your own weird spin on it? Rian Johnson made Brick. He loves noir films. I’m sure he watched a gazillion of them and then thought, “I also love John Hughes movies. Now, let me see about smushing my loves together.” But he understands the rules.

Kevin Williamson, clearly so deeply immersed in the world of classic ’80s VHS slasher movies. How do you take all that knowledge and remix it into something that feels current and interesting? I think follow your nose and you’ll find your genre. But you don’t have to play everything. That’d be crazy.

John: That actually ties very well into our next question, our next follow-up here.

Drew: Paris writes, “Looking through your list of important movies, I realized I’m totally screwed. I’m 24 years old. I was born in 2000, and I wasn’t exposed to many films growing up. I began trying to catch up in my 20s, but there’s so much I haven’t seen. It’s overwhelming. I looked through the list and made a highlighted version of my own films, and I’ve seen 85 out of the 400. If the 1970s were on there, I’d be toast. Any advice where to start? I don’t want my lack of cinema knowledge to affect my writing.”

John: Paris sent through their highlighted list of things that they’d missed, and there’s really great films on their list of what they’ve missed. My advice to Paris would be to start in the 2010s, pick three movies you’re curious about, watch them, and then go back a decade, and then go back a decade. Let it be fun homework. Don’t feel like this is a thing you have to do. Just really follow your curiosity down this rabbit hole and see what it is that you like. I don’t think if Paris were to say, “I’m going to spend the next two years and every day, watch a movie off this list,” I don’t know that’s necessarily the best use of their time.

Craig: No. It will also, again, turn you into a movie critic. You’ll become a culture hoarder, as opposed to somebody that’s watching things that they love, because the entire exercise will feel forced and artificial. One method, Paris, may be to pick a movie from a director that has a bunch of movies on this list. Scorsese probably has a bunch on this list, Soderbergh, Coppola. Watch one of their movies. See if you like it. If you like it, keep watching their movies. A little bit like playing every track on an album. If you started with Do the Right Thing, for instance, if you loved Do the Right Thing, check out some more Spike Lee movies. If you watch Raging Bull and you love it, it’s time to switch over to Goodfellas or Mean Streets or King of Comedy. Same with the Cohen brothers. It might be better to just find the filmmakers you love and follow them. And then every now and then, just stick in a random one.

The other option is you can just say, “I’m gonna watch one of these dramas. Every month I’m gonna watch four movies. I don’t care. Just four. Each week I pick a different genre.” Drama, comedy, thriller, horror, whatever it is. Just mix it up. Keep it light. It’s not homework. You’ll be fine.

John: I would also say movies can be social experiences. See if you have friends or somebody else who wants to get in this movie club with you. Then you can have a discussion about what you saw.

Craig: Absolutely. One of my great joys now that I’m old-

John: 53.

Craig: … 53 is I get to show movies, especially from the ’90s, which ’90s were great for movies-

John: Great years.

Craig: … to Allie, who’s in her 20s, or to Bella, who’s just in her 20s. I showed Bella Matrix for the first time. I showed Allie Godfather for the first time. That’s so much fun. The other thing is, find somebody older who is like, okay, I think you will love this. Let them be your AI, who knows you, thinks of your taste, and goes, “I think you’ll love this.” And most importantly, I always say to anybody I’m showing a movie to, “You get to pull the rip cord whenever you want.” If you’re bored, I don’t care if it’s The Godfather, whatever, if you’re bored – give it 30 minutes. You’re bored after 30 minutes, next movie, or we’ll go have a sandwich. That’s fine. It shouldn’t feel like you’re eating gravel.

John: 100 percent. Last little bit of follow-up on here from Willy.

Drew: Willy in Dublin writes, “I want to push back on the idea of movies that you absolutely need to see or ones that you can ignore. For sure, you can be at a disadvantage in a professional situation if you haven’t seen canonical works, but I think that people who have different experiences can make valuable contributions to the creative process, as long as there is a lingua franca for collaboration. What’s the point if everyone thinks the same?”

Craig: Multiple logical leaps inside of Willy’s comment there.

John: Yeah, I would say.

Craig: So many.

John: Yeah, a little straw manning.

Craig: Yeah, just goalpost shifting. First of all, you say, “I want to push back on the idea of movies that you absolutely need to see or ones that you can ignore.” So you mean to say you want to push back on the idea that – you contradict yourself within that first statement. Which one are you pushing back against? Because if they’re movies that you can’t ignore, that means you absolutely need to see them, and if they’re movies that you don’t absolutely need to see, then there are movies that you can ignore.

John: I think Willy’s pushing back against this idea of canonical lists. These are really arbitrary lists of-

Craig: Of course.

John: … 100 movies that a lot of people seem to like and a lot of people talk about as the movies of that decade.

Craig: Nobody is suggesting that if you don’t see those things, you have, quote, “no valuable contribution to the creative process,” nor do these movies contribute to a “lingua franca for collaboration.” Collaboration is an entirely different thing. If everybody sits down and is forced as an entry point to watch the same 100 movies, there is no chance that that means that they will now, quote, “think the same.” No. They’ll argue about them all.

John: But to go the other illogical extremes, you have the example of The Shags. If you are the screenwriter who is The Shags, who has basically seen no other movies and has no understanding of how movies work, you’re gonna write something that’s gonna be perhaps fascinating on a textual level, but it’s not going to be a movie.

Craig: I’m not sure that you would be writing a movie. The Shags are such an incredible outlier, because they didn’t want to do it either. Their dad made them do it. They didn’t know. They had neither the desire – I guess we’re gonna be talking about motivations shortly. They had no motivation to do what they were doing, other than their father being like, “You can become the next Partridge Family.” And they just tried their best.

John: Good stuff. Let’s get into our main topic here. On April 6th, the New York Times Connections puzzle had the words “desire,” “drive,” “resolve,” and “will,” which were the four that lined up. And the category put for that was “intrinsic motivators,” which is nice, a good way of looping those together.

Craig: Interesting way [crosstalk 00:25:51].

John: We talked a lot on the podcast about motivation, about goals and needs and wants. Episode 569 we talked about inspiration versus motivation and touched on some of this. But I thought we’d dig in a little bit deeper on intrinsic motivation, which is basically what is driving a person internally to do a thing versus the situation. It’s not about external forces like deadlines or ticking clocks or circumstances. It’s about something inside them that’s driving the character to do a thing.

Craig: They have a list of things that they require something to meet to be considered alive. It needs to reproduce. It needs to ingest and possibly excrete. But my favorite one is it needs to show irritability.

John: Interesting.

Craig: Irritability is reaction to stimulus. We have, as living creatures, an innate irritability. Things bother us and create a want. But the interesting thing about humans, and certainly when we’re writing characters, these irritabilities can sometimes be physical in nature. People have been asking forever, what’s the whole point of this? That makes you irritable, not knowing things. Curiosity is a great one. So what is the intrinsic motivator for Hercule Poirot? He wants to know. Somebody could say he’s really committed to justice. I don’t think so. In his spare time, it’s not like he’s working down at the courts as a prosecutor. He’s just curious. Curiosity alone is a spectacular intrinsic motivator.

John: That’s a thing they can actually study in animals. You think animals are just responding to stimulus, so they’re trying to seek pleasure and avoid pain, but they will actually go into an electrified area, because there’s curious ones in there. Certain animals will do these kinds of things.

We talk on the show sometimes about negative intrinsic motivators, so fear, shame, jealousy, self-doubt. But I’d like to talk a little bit more about the positive version of those, the actual drives, because I’ve been watching shows and movies recently where I feel like after two hours or eight hours, I still couldn’t really tell you what is motivating them internally, what the positive intrinsic motivators are, what’s their desire, drive, resolve. If it was a musical, I couldn’t sketch out their “I want” song. There isn’t one in there. They can feel a little bit lifeless, because as humans, I know they should have something like that driving them.

Craig: When this happens, we tend to refer to the characters as flat or thin, two-dimensional. And it’s because the characters are only apparently motivated by circumstance. But ideally, circumstance is the second thing that happens. The first thing that happens before the show or movie even starts is they already are irritable about something. Something is missing. Something must be known. Something must be uncovered. Are you a BBC Sherlock fan, by any chance?

John: I watched all that.

Craig: Loved that show. One of the things that I love about it is when Sherlock Holmes doesn’t have a case, he starts to go insane. He wants to smoke. He wants to shoot heroin. He loses it, becomes violent and irritable. That precedes any circumstance that comes along. Sometimes we end up with these characters who are defined simply by their job, their present circumstance. Then a new circumstance happens, and they have a new job to do. But who are they? What happens when this job ends? If I’m supposed to stop caring about them when the job ends, why would I care about them now, while the job’s still going on?

John: That is the real frustration. It could be that the story really is the writer and how the story is being structured. It’s just not given any opportunity to actually explore those things. That character may actually have those things, but we as an audience aren’t getting to see any chance of that, because they’re generally not musicals so there’s not a chance for them to fully articulate what it is they’re doing or having some other character they can talk to about the thing. We need to find ways to structure and expose what is that internal drive that’s pushing them to a thing.

Craig: Now, there may be moments where you show a circumstance, and that circumstance becomes the internal drive. But it’s soon. You don’t want to wait around forever. And that circumstance that creates the internal drive must be clearly separate from the new circumstance that is the main body of the plot.

John: Exactly.

Craig: I can’t tell you much about the character Joel in The Last of Us leading up to his daughter’s death. He works in construction. He’s a contractor. He seems all right. I don’t know his internal states. I don’t know what his intrinsic motivation would be. She dies. Twenty years later, now I understand what his intrinsic motivation is in general, whether it’s to avoid or whatever. Then the new circumstance begins. But it is within the context of that prior irritability. As much as possible, when you’re thinking about – you at home, when you’re thinking about writing the story and the characters, you need to know what the problem is before the problem shows up.

John: There’s generally either a lack or some other object goal that’s out there that’s a little bit more vague, but a thing that they’re trying to do. There was a New York Times story this last week about a guy who was really good at quiz shows and quiz competitions and how he went from little, small ones to bigger ones and ultimately ended up applying to a specific university in the UK so he’d get into the university quiz challenge system, but then got there and found his teammates actually weren’t any good. He pulled out, because he only has one shot to do this. They had to reframe everything around him. He was really driven. It’s the kind of character who if we were doing a How Would This Be a Movie, you love, because you can definitely see why he’s trying to do what he’s trying to do. It’s not some external thing that’s pushing him. He clearly has a drive to enter this challenge and succeed and to win. He needs this thing.

Craig: But of course, I want to know why. What is the thing that I can connect to that is universal? Even though his expression of that thing is unique, I want what’s underlying it to be anything but unique.

John: Absolutely. That goes back to where we first meet this character and how he first gets introduced to this world of quiz competitions. It was probably that moment which he first said, “Oh, I know all the answers to this thing,” and suddenly, he was better than everyone else around him. It’s that desire to excel, to be seen as being better than everyone else, but also there’s an internal state where he needs to see himself as being so good at this.

Craig: I love those things. I, like just about everybody, love Queen’s Gambit. Scott Frank is as good as anybody at this. My favorite episode of Queen’s Gambit was the first one. First episodes are notoriously difficult. But what was so beautiful about the first episode was that he took the time, lots of time to tell us all about this person before the obsession began and before the plot began, to create irritability. She was lonely. She was abandoned. She was in pain. She was self-medicating. She was desperate for something to be good at, something that made her feel good. And there were two things that made her feel good: drugs and chess. Watching her begin to fall deeply into both of those was such a gorgeous way of showing how sometimes these things that we think of as just awesome, like being the best quiz solver or being a chess master, are in themselves forms of self-management for conditions that are common to us all.

John: A movie I loved this last year was Nyad. It’s the story of Diana Nyad and her quest to be able to swim from Cuba to the United States. In that, there are external things that she could gain by doing this, but clearly it’s an internal drive. She has this unique obsession with being able to do this and being able to prove to herself that she can do this thing, and that’s what’s pushing you through the whole movies. We see the consequences on everybody else around her, and yet we’re still rooting for her, because we can see – we don’t want to be in the water there with her, but we can see why she wants to do it.

Craig: We understand the underpinning. If all Moby Dick were about was whale hunting, no one would care. It’s really important to create that essential irritability, to find the grain of sand under someone’s skin. It’s usually something that they are not born with, but it is the result of some circumstance. If it’s innate from birth, that means there was nothing to create there. You want to have something and the environment that causes a disruption that is specific to somebody before you then cause a really big disruption to them.

John: I’m gonna put a link in the show notes to this article, this review in the National Library of Medicine, that’s really talking through intrinsic versus extrinsic motivators. They actually did scientific studies on how these drives actually function in the brain and in actual human beings and talks through the different theories that built up over time for how this all worked. When you actually put people in labs and MRIs and you’re monitoring how they’re doing things, you get this sense that what is happening internally versus externally are related, but there are distinct things that you can see there.

What it really comes down to is the importance of agency, the ability of a person to say, “I am choosing to do this thing.” We see that in real life where you have a kid who loves to do a thing, and then the minute you talk to them about the thing they love to do, they don’t love to do it anymore, because it’s no longer their unique thing. Also, it’s the ability to envision an outcome and plan the steps towards it are crucial for intrinsic motivation versus extrinsic motivation.

Craig: That’s a really interesting point, the idea that you need to see an outcome. Your characters must – we talk about a goal. I think a lot of times, people think too much in terms of the external nature of that goal. But part of what we all do as humans is envision success. Envisioning success is rarely about the circumstance. It’s about the feeling. We don’t want to win because winning is good. We want to win because winning feels good. Why? What is it doing for you? What negative feeling is it taking away? What negative thought is it replacing or contradicting? What is it proving? How is it going to remove your irritability and make you feel good? To me, envisioning an outcome is entirely about envisioning a feeling that you desperately want.

John: It’s not just about where you’re gonna get to, but how it’s gonna feel when you get to that place.

Craig: All about feeling.

John: They outline what they call a Rubicon model, which is five steps, which is whenever a character’s facing or a real person’s facing a thing, there is a pre-decisional deliberation, which is basically where you’re sitting and you’re thinking about what your options are. You have intention formation, which is your planning. It’s the anticipation. It’s thinking about how you’re gonna do this thing. Volitional action, which means agency. You’re making a choice. You’re doing a thing because you want to do it. You are achieving that outcome. You’re consuming it. And crucially, then you’re also evaluating it. We’ve talked about this on the podcast. It’s not scoring the touchdown. It’s getting the kiss from your wife afterwards. That’s the real achievement.

Craig: It’s the relationship at the end. When you look at these five things, what they remind me of most immediately is Dungeons and Dragons. Right now, you’re DMing a campaign; I’m playing. Woo! Inevitably, there’s a circumstance where it’s like, “There’s a room in there, and we know there’s a bad guy and we know there’s another bad guy. Let’s come up with a plan.” Notoriously, plans go awry in D&D. It’s designed that way, because if your plans always worked, what fun would that be? It would just be like, “Oh, we’re the dream team in the Olympics. Ha ha, we win.” But we do all these things. There’s so much deliberation, prediction, planning. Then we do the actions according to the things we want to achieve. There is an outcome achievement, which hopefully is a victory. And then there’s a postmortem about how we did it, how we could’ve done better, how we did better than we thought.

But here’s the crazy part. It’s not even real, and it’s so satisfying, because as humans, we can model real outcomes and get the same hit off of them. That’s why we like movies and TV. They are modeled outcomes, where we watch other people achieving a feeling we want to feel. And we get a little whiff of their crack hit. And that’s worth the subscription to Max or whatever. That’s what all of these things are.

That’s what I love about what we do. We are creating situations for people where they can sit back and watch somebody else go through all this hard work and suffering and then get the win. In real life, suffering sucks. A lot of times, the win when you get there does not feel at all like you thought it would feel. In fact, there is a shocking emptiness that can occur sometimes when you get there and you think, “I was meant to feel all of this, and I don’t feel any of it. Now what do I do?” That’s always fun.

John: I would say part of what was leading to this segment was some recent movies and some TV shows I was watching I felt like weren’t working on these levels because it was just like, you were killing the monsters. You did all the step threes. You took all the actions. But I didn’t have that lead-in to the options, so it just felt like you were on rails the whole time you were doing this thing. And I didn’t get the reward afterwards, because I couldn’t see that, did we actually do the thing we wanted to do. I didn’t feel a sense of victory.

Craig: You didn’t feel a sense of victory because probably in this circumstance, the characters couldn’t have really felt the sense of victory. They could’ve just realized it. If you don’t have that preexisting irritability, that thing that we can connect to, and you’re put into a situation where you have to do this impossible thing or else a lot of people will die, okay, I’ll do it. I did it. Good. That’s what you end up with. Good work, you. Roll credits. But that’s not what we’re there for. We’re there for understanding something deeper was satisfied. And if we don’t have that in place before the person shows up with the job offer, then we’re just not gonna be as engaged.

John: This outlines intrinsic rewards versus extrinsic rewards. Whatever you do and whatever you achieve should have a mix of the two of them. Intrinsic rewards: agency and autonomy, so a sense of control, a sense of achievement, enjoyment, and interest, that you actually enjoy, the characters inside this world enjoy doing this thing, these interests; and novelty, which basically this was a new thing for them they were able to conquer. The extrinsic rewards are things we’re always used to, so food, social status, money, a sense of safety. Those things we can expect. But it’s those intrinsic rewards I think so often we are not rewarding enough in our characters. We’re not giving them a sense of this. They’ll survive this thing, but they haven’t had a good time. We haven’t seen them enjoy it.

Craig: Have you seen Game Night?

John: I love Game Night. It’s so good.

Craig: Game Night’s wonderful. It’s a great example of this. They do such a good job of setting these characters up as people that love games. They love winning. It excites them. It excites them and it also brings them together. It’s the thing that makes them love each other is that they’re really good at unraveling puzzles, answering questions, and winning a game. That’s enough irritability for us, because when you jump into the future, that’s a little wobbly now, and then this new thing happens, and we get to watch their enjoyment of it, and they fall back in love with each other again. The characters need to get a hit off of this stuff. If it’s just a grim slog, then how am I supposed to enjoy this? If you can’t enjoy any of this – and it’s gauged in subtleties. If you have a very grumpy character – and I’ve been writing one of those for a while now – sometimes just the tiniest smile tells us a million things. But we need to know it’s happening, or else it just doesn’t matter what you do, Grumpy’s gonna be grumpy. That’s not gonna make us happy.

John: Last little takeaways here. I would say if you’re looking at your story and you’re worried that we’re not getting a sense of what their intrinsic motivations are, are they curious, are they out there, are they looking through various options, are they foraging, or are they doing what you’re telling them they need to do? They’re being forced into a situation by your plot?

Craig: That would be bad.

John: That’d be bad.

Craig: Passive characters, which generally no one likes, are not merely passive because they don’t do stuff and stuff happens to them. Sometimes they’re passive because they’re doing stuff, but they only have one choice. If there’s no choosing, their actions feel passive, because what else are they gonna do?

John: I guarantee you could say this story, the characters, it has no choice but be passive. They don’t have any choice. They don’t have any options. They’re in prison, literally. There are great prison stories. The reason why those great prison stories are great prison stories is, within their narrow set of options, they are making real choices and they’re taking agency.

Craig: That’s right. If you end up in a situation where someone’s like, “We need you to do the following impossible thing. There’s one way to do it. This is how you do it,” and you say, “Got it,” and then you do it – now, even this little thing in Star Wars, like, there’s only one way to blow this thing up. You gotta shoot this thing down a hole, and that’s the only way to do it. That is what he does, but before he does it, he turns off his targeting computer and uses the force. He makes a choice. And that choice is why that works. Otherwise, think of how terrible that would’ve been.

John: Bad sequence.

Craig: You have to do this thing. We showed it to you on a computer graphic. “I did it.” Great.

John: All the other complications you’ve thrown at them, it’s like, “Oh, but now this thing is in your way. This thing is in your way.”

Craig: Who cares?

John: Doesn’t matter.

Craig: Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. The only way to win this is to hit a hole in one. Okay, I hit a hole in one. Yay. Meh. Whatever. Whereas Tin Cup – have you seen Tin Cup?

John: I’ve seen Tin Cup.

Craig: Oh my god, one of my favorite endings. Have you seen Tin Cup?

Drew: No.

John: Ron Shelton.

Craig: Ron Shelton. Great movie. He’s got this thing where he’s stubborn, he’s very good, but he’s his own worst enemy as a golfer. He tries to hit too hard. He hits too long. People keep telling him, “You gotta lay up,” meaning instead of going for 200 par, just hit the ball short and then hit it again and you get 100 par. It’s better for you. It’s smart. He ends up in this situation where he’s gonna win this tournament, he’s bounced back. Everyone can’t believe it. And he has a chance though to just make the most awesome shot ever over this water trap. He has to hit the ball super far to do it. They’re like, “Don’t do it. Just lay up or it’ll cost you the tournament.” He’s like, “No, I’m going for it.” You’re like, “It’s gonna happen.” He hits that ball, and it goes right in the water. Then he’s like, “I’m doing it again.” He hits the ball again, and it goes in the water. He hits the ball again, and it goes in the water.

People are like, “He’s blown up his career, the tournament, his life. He’s stubborn. He’s learned nothing.” He does it again. He hits the ball, and it goes all the way over the water, and I think it gets in the hole. I can’t remember. But the point is it gets over the water. It’s an impossible thing. People go crazy, like, “He did it.” You understood then, just doing the thing you were supposed to do, you always have a choice. That’s why Ron Shelton’s just brilliant at that.

John: Excellent. As we wrap this up, I’ll put a link in the show notes to this NIH study. Also the story of Brandon Blackwell, who was the quiz bowl champ, which is a great story. All the UK listeners are saying, “Of course Brandon Blackwell. Everyone knows that.”

Craig: “Everyone knows Brandon Blackwell.”

John: But not here in the U.S.

Craig: Brandon.

John: Brandon.

Craig: Brandon Blackwell.

John: An American.

Craig: Bloody American.

John: Bloody American.

Craig: Coming over here winning our pub quizzes.

John: Let’s do some listener questions.

Drew: Proud Dad writes, “My daughter is a high school senior, and she was accepted to both the USC screenwriting program and Princeton. In our 30-minute morning drives to her high school, we listen to Scriptnotes faithfully, and it’s still one of our favorite memories. So thank you for being in our carpool for so many mornings. This might not be a fair question, because we know Craig doesn’t think school has anything to do with being a screenwriter.”

Craig: Correct.

Drew: “And we know that John did the MFA program at USC. But we would love your thoughts as if you were weighing the pros and cons with your daughters. Long-term, my daughter would love to work in television, but she’s very passionate about playwriting and is torn between either USC, where industry contacts and writers’ room opportunities are common, and Princeton, where she can learn from Pulitzer Prize-winning authors and playwrights. We’d love to hear your thoughts.”

Craig: It might be too late here, huh?

John: It could be.

Craig: Complicated also is that I went to Princeton, so now you’re dealing with both of our alma maters. First of all, congrats.

John: Congrats.

Craig: Thanks for listening.

John: Both good schools.

Craig: What do you think, John?

John: Obviously, it’s whatever she wants. She has to make the decision between these two places. If she really believes that she wants to work in television, then USC will be great for that, because she’ll get that television experience. But all that said, I think undergrad is really about learning how to learn and learning how to do all the other stuff that’s interesting and exciting to you. It’s all the classes that are not about film and television and playwriting. And that’s gonna matter a lot more. She’s not gonna go wrong either place.

Craig: I agree. I don’t know how this ended here, but my guess is that she should go to the place that she feels the most excited about going to. She should go to the place that makes her feel good. She should envision her goals and see where they fit better. Princeton does have a remarkable creative writing program, and they’ve always had remarkable teachers there. The late, great Toni Morrison taught there, John McPhee, Joyce Carol Oates. You certainly would learn from remarkable people. That said, I’m not sure that makes you a good writer. I think that just makes you somebody that sat in a room listening to great writers talk.

There’s only one person that can make her succeed at what she wants, if what she wants continues to be what she currently wants – because that changes – and that’s her. It doesn’t matter where she goes. It truly does not matter where she goes. If she’s good at doing this, she’ll be fine coming out of Princeton, she’ll be fine coming out of USC. There are loads of people who graduate from USC, Stark, the whole thing, who just don’t really make it. There are loads of people who do what you and I do who didn’t go to any film school or went to schools that weren’t known for going to film schools. It’s a real chaotic mess out there. It comes down to the individual, to the outlier.

She should just go to the place she actually wants to be. And you know what? Maybe you meet a future spouse. You never know. Do people even do spouses anymore? Are we just old because we’re married?

John: You met your wife at Princeton.

Craig: I did. I met my wife at Princeton. That’s the thing that I got out of Princeton, to be honest. It didn’t help me with my career. It certainly wasn’t a great freshman year experience. We all know that. A lot of people that go to Princeton are super into being alums and everything, and I’m not. I don’t care. I went there, but it was a school. But I did meet my wife. I also learned things there that I carried through. The classes that I took that I was not expecting to take were the best ones. Best class I ever took in my life, Princeton University, Animal Behavior. Learned more about humanity in Animal Behavior class than anywhere else. That’s the fun part. Throw your plans out the door. Open yourself up to new experiences and see what happens, because you might walk out of there wanting to be a doctor.

John: I was a journalism major at Drake University undergrad, and then I applied to and got into USC for film school. I will say that graduate film school is nice, because you get people there who actually have some – they’re not all just random freshmen doing stuff. USC, if she got into the film program as a freshman, she’d be around people who want to make films and television, which is great, but they’re also a ways away from doing that. The nice thing about a grad program is you’re closer to doing the real things. You’re able to get internships and really be out there in the world doing stuff.

Craig: There is that, no question. There’s also, though, a very strange thing about the culture of aspirants. There’s a weird thing in the air, this choking ambition and striving and wanting and people jockeying. Sometimes you can get dismayed by who’s getting rewarded and who isn’t. And you just think, “This is not fair. That person’s bad. They’re pretentious. They’re a fraud. No one can see it except for me.” Eventually, people figure it out. But when you’re around a lot of people trying to do the same thing, it can be kind of gross.

I do remember that feeling early on in my career, where it just seemed like everybody was like rats clawing through a maze to find one small piece of cheese. Occasionally, there was a rat on top of you. If you heard about a rat getting a piece of cheese, you felt despair, like, “I thought the cheese was a lie. Oh my god.”

John: I also felt a fair amount of imposter syndrome, like I did not belong in the Stark program when I got there. That’s a thing you need to get through too. The nice thing about going to someplace outside of one of those film programs is you’re not gonna be surrounded by quite that much of the culture.

Craig: I think allowing yourself to develop as an individual and being a little more pure about it is probably a good thing. On the other hand, there are opportunities that you can get going to places that have these connections. But I don’t know. That’s the thing. You and I are pretty good examples, because you did one of those choices. I did the other choice. We’re both doing the same job. We’re on the same podcast.

John: Crazy, that.

Craig: In our 50s.

John: We’re both 53 years old.

Craig: Fifty-fricking-three.

John: Let’s answer one more question here, one from Jonathan.

Drew: Jonathan writes, “How much should the writer consider the trailer when writing the script? I’m thinking in terms of early reveals that tie into the premise and would likely be shown in the trailer to advertise the film, but could still be a surprise to the reader or anyone who sees it without having seen a previous. I’m reminded of taking my friend to see The Sixth Sense and how shocked he was at the ‘I see dead people’ line, not just the ending.”

John: I argue that you should consider the trailer as you’re writing, think about how would you actually present this movie to an audience, while knowing that you have zero control over that as the screenwriter. For movies I’ve done, I’ve written trailers and sometimes those are shot, or teasers and sometimes those are shot. But rarely have I had real direct control over that, including when certain crucial story pieces are revealed.

Craig: A nice thing is that I do get quite a bit of influence on the TV side over the marketing materials. I do work closely with them on that. I agree with you. I think, Jonathan, we’re both saying yeah, you should consider the trailer. There are really two moments in the trailer that I try and think about. One is how does it start and one is how does it end. What is my last shot of the trailer? What is my last moment of the trailer? Is there a mic drop? Is there a holy crap? Is there a single beautiful line? Is there a question? But the opening of the trailer is just as important. What do I see? What do I hear? What sets the tone?

The middle stuff of the trailer you can imagine will be some simple storytelling and some cool shots and some laughs and some action, surprise. But it doesn’t mean you should sit down and try to write one of those moments. More like if you put yourself in the mindset, it might help you get there, or as you’re weighing possibilities, if one of them pops out and you think, “That’ll actually be great in a trailer. I don’t know if it’d be super great in the show or the movie, but in a trailer, it’d be great,” write it in so you have it. You could even say, “This is for marketing.” I’ve done this before, although I do try to avoid doing the thing where you – I don’t think I have – where you put stuff in a trailer that you don’t put in the show. I don’t think I’ve done that. You know sometimes they’ll do that?

John: Yeah.

Craig: I think if it’s worth going in the trailer, it should be in the show is my feeling, or the movie.

John: I would agree. The reason why you need to think of the trailer is that the trailer is essentially your elevator pitch. Why does this movie exist is really the trailer. If you cannot tell your story somehow visually in that little bit, there’s probably something that’s not quite working with your story. That said, Go was an impossible thing to cut a trailer for. It’s hard to sell the premise of Go, at least the story premise, but you could show what it felt like, either communicating story or communicating a vibe or feel.

Craig: If you watch trailers for Cohen Brothers films, that’s almost always what you get, which is this absurdist, weird feeling that’s more than story. It’s more a sense of the madness that’s inside of the movies they make, which are pretty much always beautiful and brilliant.

John: It’s time for our One Cool Things. My One Cool Thing is actually two episodes of Search Engine, this podcast by PJ Vogt, and it’s looking at why there are so many illegal weed stores in New York City, because all these storefronts are selling weed illegally. He’s going into what the history was there and why it got to be this way. He has to go back to California’s pot legalization system and what went wrong in California and all the things they were trying to fix when they legalized weed in New York and how it all kind of didn’t turn out the way they wanted it to turn out. In attempting to fix the mistake with California, they made new mistakes, which has led to this proliferation of illegal weed stores and made it very hard to open legal ones.

Craig: John, how many weed stores do you think there are in Vancouver? Just take a guess.

John: The answer’s either gonna be zero or-

Craig: It’s definitely not zero. It’s legal to sell.

John: Hundreds.

Craig: 93 million. There are 93 million weed stores. There are weed stores inside of weed stores in Vancouver. Vancouver smells like rain and weed. It is insane. Also, just side note, I’m not answering this question as much as I’m just now rambling about weed, have we talked about the drivers in Los Angeles lately? When I moved to Los Angeles, I remember thinking, oh my god, everyone’s insane, because I think they were on coke. I think all the drivers on the road were on coke. People were switching lanes constantly for no reason, which feels very cocainey to me. Now, I think everyone’s just edibled up. They are slow. They are slow. The light changes green, and it’s like, all right, sure, I guess I’ll go now. I preferred the cocaine drivers. I really did.

John: The other thing I have noticed over the course of my 30 years driving in Los Angeles is when you moved to Los Angeles you had to learn that in order to take that left-hand turn, you are going to need to go into the intersection and then when the light turns-

Craig: And turn left on the red.

John: Left on red, yeah, which sounds impossible, but-

Craig: Three cars get to go. That’s the deal.

John: That’s the deal. I think decade by decade, people have gotten more nervous and more nervous about doing that.

Craig: They’re not nervous.

John: They’re stoned.

Craig: They’re stoned. They’re just like, “Oh man, I missed the light. No worries. Hey, guess what? Light’s gonna come around again, man. It’s all good. I just had five peach strawberry gummies.” This is me being this 53-year-old guy going on about goddamn stoners. I just want them to be on cocaine so that they’ll go through the light. I need to go places.

Anyway, I will [unintelligible 00:58:30]. It’s so silly. This weed thing is so silly that New York has illegal weed stores. It’s like hearing, I don’t know, 20 years ago someone’s like, “Oh my god, did you hear that in, I don’t know, whatever, Toledo they have illegal cheese stores?” You’re like, “Why do they need… What? Sell cheese. It’s fine. Everybody else is.” It’s over. It’s over, New York. Just let them sell it. Have we talked about Shogun?

John: We have not talked about Shogun.

Craig: That’s my One Cool Thing this week. Shogun, the mini series on FX, Hulu, Disney Plus. It’s FX. I want to give the mayor of television, John Landgraf, credit here. It is FX, which is also Hulu and also Disney Plus. I watch it through Disney Plus. Anyway, I’m really enjoying it.

Shogun is one of my favorite novels of all time. I have read that novel multiple times, and I rarely do that. I was deeply influenced by the 1980 miniseries. I learned a lot about storytelling from that. I watched the miniseries. I was 9 or 10. Absolutely blew me away. For 1980, it was remarkable. It was on ABC, I want to say. I would say half of the dialog was in Japanese, subtitled, which just didn’t happen. The Japanese people were played by Japanese people, which also often didn’t happen. Toshiro Mifune, the Laurence Olivier of Japan who starred in all those wonderful Kurosawa movies, played Lord Toranaga, which was remarkable. And Richard Chamberlain played the love interest, because he loved the ladies. LOL. And I was obsessed. And so then I went and read the book, and I got even more obsessed, because the book was just full of all these other details, and you also realize what they mushed to put in a miniseries on network television. Here comes Shogun, written, created by Justin Marks and Rachel Kondo. Have we ever had Justin on the show?

John: I think Justin’s been on the show. Justin’s a friend.

Craig: He and Rachel, who is his wife, or rather, I should say he is her husband – they belong to each other – they’ve created the show. And it’s excellent. It is doing a much better job than the 1980 miniseries of being authentic to the time period. And I love the attention to detail. You know I’m a detail nut. It’s so clear how they’ve gone into every little corner and made sure everything looked right. They’re telling the story in a really interesting and beautiful way. But also – maybe this is the coolest part of my One Cool Thing this week – it releases an episode every week. It comes out on Tuesdays. I look forward to Tuesdays. It’s almost over. But each Tuesday, I’m like, “It’s coming, it’s coming.” That’s how you’re supposed to do it. For the life of me, I still cannot understand why anyone would make a – like 3 Body Problem on Netflix.

John: I wondered what was going on with 3 Body Problem.

Craig: Massive show, and they’re like, “Here’s all of it.”

John: It makes the footprint so much smaller.

Craig: I just don’t know. Game of Thrones worked great. They all want to have their next Game of Thrones. They got the Game of Thrones guys and just forgot the one thing about the Game of Thrones, which is you put out one episode a week. People look forward to it. They watch it together. They talk about it together. People write recap essays. Anyway, so congrats to Justin and Rachel, but also congrats to FX for doing it correctly. This is the way to do it and they’re gonna win everything.

John: They will. It’s also a strange Emmy season this year, because so many things were not – you’re not eligible for an Emmy this year.

Craig: No, because we’re not on the Emmy cycle.

John: You’re not on the air.

Craig: The awards cycle got so thrown off by the strikes. Next week I’m going to the WGA Awards for a show that aired over a year ago.

John: I’ll see you there.

Craig: Fantastic. What will you be wearing, John?

John: I’m debating between-

Craig: Who will you be wearing?

John: It’s black tie, but not everyone actually wears black tie. Are you wearing a suit or a tux?

Craig: I’m gonna go tux.

John: Great.

Craig: I’m gonna go tux, because how often do you get to wear a tux? I’ve got it. Why not wear it?

John: It’s also in the afternoon, which I think is great.

Craig: Yeah, so you can leave and go about your day. You’re going suit or tux?

John: I think I’m gonna go tux. I’m gonna go tux.

Craig: You’re gonna go tux? Why not? Go tux. Go tux. It’s at the Palladium. Great. I’ll see you there. The WGA Awards show is particularly amusing for the following reasons: one, not on television. No one cares. Even fewer people care than normal. Two, this is my favorite part, because the WGA is, and I will say this forever, stupidly divided into two unions, the WGA West and the WGA East, and because the WGA East really is like, “We’re also gonna have our own at the same time,” stupid, like we don’t have planes, they run a separate awards show for the same categories simultaneously. Not with different nominees. Same nominees. But they need to have their own award show running at the same time. But because they can’t exactly run at the same time, because it’s not televised, it starts to wobble out of sync a bit, which means inevitably you get a text.

John: “Congratulations” or “sorry.”

Craig: “That sucks.” You’re like, “Wait. Oh. They haven’t even said my category. I’m leaving.” That’s the other thing about the WGA Awards, because it’s not televised. People just start leaving. By the time you get to the last award, there’s the janitor. It’s like, “You guys got five minutes. We got a wedding coming in.” I think this will actually be quite nice because it’s the first post-strike award.

John: It’s also outside of the award season, which I think is actually kind of great.

Craig: It means nothing. It predicts nothing.

John: It predicts nothing.

Craig: It’s great.

John: It’s already a very loose awards show, so I think it should be a loosened vibe.

Craig: It will be pretty relaxed.

John: That is our show for this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt, edited by Matthew Chilelli. Outro this week is by Ben Singer. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions. You’ll find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s where you’ll find transcripts and sign up for our weekly newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. We have T-shirts and hoodies. They’re great. You’ll find them at Cotton Bureau. You can sign up to become a Premium Member at scriptnotes.net, where you get all the back-episodes and bonus segments, like the one we’re about to record on humans leaving the solar system. Craig, happy birthday once again.

Craig: Thank you, John.

[Bonus Segment]

John: Craig, so we talked about the 3 Body Problem, just very briefly. 3 Body Problem involves an alien civilization that is coming towards us. But my question is, do you think our human form bodies will ever leave the solar system?

Craig: Yours and mine?

John: Not yours and mine, but humans like us, flesh and blood humans, will we travel the stars? Because it’s a staple of science fiction.

Craig: It is a staple of science fiction. I’m gonna say something that a lot of people disagree with. My answer is no.

John: My answer is no also, but maybe for different reasons.

Craig: Maybe for different reasons. My answer is no because I think this is a simulation. I think the solar system is probably the limit of the high-res work that’s been done in our simulation. Beyond that, it’s the distant mountains in a video game, which is why the universe keeps expanding the more we look at it.

John: Wow. Craig, you’re not a Flat Earther, but you’re sort of like a Flat Solar.

Craig: I feel like everything beyond the solar system is real, but no more real than what’s in the solar system. It’s just not as fully ressed out, and there is in fact nothing to get to. If the simulation wanted it, then yeah, they would probably be like, “Okay, we’re gonna actually fill in this other galaxy so they can go to that place in fast travel and land on a thing there.” But I don’t think so.

John: I want to put a pin in the simulation thing, because I want to go back to the show The Boys, which I’m convinced is in a simulation as well. But my argument for why flesh and blood human beings will never leave the solar system is we’re just so incredibly fragile. We’re just not designed to do these things at all. And by the time we have the technology to really get us out of those places, it’s gonna make much more sense to put our synthetic versions, our digital versions on a thing and ship us out.

Craig: I agree with you, and I also feel like the designers of the simulation put so much space in between us and even the rest of the solar system. Mars is the next planet over. It still takes like eight months to get there.

John: I do think we’ll put some physical human beings on Mars, maybe not in my lifetime, but not too long after.

Craig: There’s not a huge reward for it, I gotta be honest with you, other than, “We did it. We made it to Mars.” I don’t know if you saw the brilliant Disney film Rocket Man.

John: I’m sorry, I missed it.

Craig: 1997’s Rocket Man.

John: It’s on the list of 100, but…

Craig: We really got into [unintelligible 01:08:00]. You got to Mars, and guess what? It’s red. Anyway, you want to go home now? It’s not great. Melissa, many years ago, she was like, “They’ve opened a new shopping outlet in Ontario. We should go see it.” I’m like, “Okay.” Ontario, not Canada, but east of Los Angeles. It was Christmas. We went there. I walked in and I said, “We’re going home now.” To me, Mars may be the Ontario shopping outlet. But to get to even as far as let’s say Pluto, the demoted non-planet, would take god knows – how many years would it take to get to Pluto?

John: It depends on how fast were you able to get our rockets up to.

Craig: This is a whole thing. You can’t go the speed of – all these things, you can’t do it. You can’t. As it turns out, you can’t.

John: I saw this movie called The Martian. It turned out it was actually really hard to get a person onto Mars, but especially off Mars.

Craig: Really hard.

John: Really tough. Really tough.

Craig: How long to go to Pluto? How long do you think it would take you to get to Pluto? You have to go very, very quickly.

John: It takes a while for light to get there, so getting a human being there, it’s tough.

Craig: About 12 years.

John: That’s also why I say the digital version. Time is useless to that. It doesn’t mean anything to you. Then you don’t have to do all this stuff like putting Ripley in her cryo bed.

Craig: That’s the other thing. Everybody comes up with the same solution, including 1997’s Rocket Man and 3 Body Problem and everybody else that sends somebody really, really far. Freeze them.

John: Freeze them.

Craig: You can’t freeze people. That whole thing, you just can’t.

John: [Crosstalk 01:09:52].

Craig: Everyone just wants to freeze everybody. The only way to get there is to-

John: Captain America.

Craig: If you can suspend somebody like that, we should be investing in that now, here. Our whole thing is freeze yourself and we’ll wake you up when we have a cure for your disease, which is why some people have actually done that. As it turns out, their body is completely damaged, a cracked ice cube. It doesn’t work. That’s always been the thing. I just think it’s too difficult. If we have the technology to actually be able to escape our own galaxy and make it to another one – and by the way, the space between galaxies is vast.

John: Yeah, it’s big.

Craig: Then we probably have the technology to solve every problem that currently exists on this planet.

John: Drew, what’s your opinion on leaving the solar system?

Drew: I am optimistic. I think eventually, I feel like we’re bugs that’ll hop and maybe pop out eventually. I think your point about us being fragile is fairly true right now. I’m stuck on you think that we live in a simulation, because you’ve mentioned it a few times. I never thought you were actually serious.

Craig: We absolutely live in a simulation.

Drew: Why? I don’t know why. It bothers me. Maybe it’s a personal thing.

Craig: Of course it bothers you. You wanted this to be real.

Drew: What about microbiology? What about the little tiny things? That’s not just waiting for the resolution to come through on how all that works?

Craig: I think that stuff’s been coded in and engineered quite beautifully.

Drew: But wouldn’t you need a supercomputer of-

Craig: Yes, you would need a very powerful computer to do this, one that is far more powerful than the computers we have. But they have it. Look at this way. We’re making simulations. They’re not great. They’re okay. But think of the simulations we can make now versus the ones we could make 50 years ago, meaning none. 50 years ago, there was the Game of Life, where it was little blobs going bleep bloop bleep. Now we have sims. We have artificial environments where people are running around and doing things. We have AI, all the rest of this. Can you imagine a world where we could create a simulation where the people inside the simulation were fully artificially intelligent?

Drew: Yes, but wouldn’t there theoretically be – because every piece of code has problems. It screws up and it needs to be defragged or – I’m using the wrong words. But we’ve never experienced that. We’ve never had really glitches or anything like that. All of it seems to be working right.

John: Or we may have had glitches, but then our memory was fixed.

Craig: Also, time does not move the normal way. For instance, our lifetimes may be processed through in a nanosecond of some higher versions. Think of how many simulations we can run with a battle simulator. We could run the battle of, I don’t know, the Battle of Sekigahara, to refer to Shogun. We can simulate that and run that probably three million times in a second. Now, do you see where I’m going here?

Drew: Yeah.

Craig: We don’t have any sense of actual time lapsing. My point is – and this is not my plan, just that others have come up with this – that if you give us 300 years from where we are now, 300 years, think of how far we’ve come in 10, 300 years, could we design a simulation where the people inside the simulation felt like they were real and independent and alive and intelligent?

Drew: Limitedly, but you wouldn’t be able to have 8 billion people feel like they were alive.

Craig: Okay. Then what, in 1,000 years maybe we can have that?

Drew: Sure. I guess by the same logic that I’m like, eventually we’ll hop planets and get on the solar system, eventually we would have this.

Craig: The only way, and if we do that, and that simulation is up to the level that our reality is, wouldn’t they start making simulations? The problem is the only way we’re not in a simulation is if we are the first ones in a chain of simulations. That’s why I think – it explains a lot.

John: It does explain a lot. I want to get back to The Boys and Gen V, two shows I genuinely enjoy, but I get a little bit frustrated by the characters in those worlds feel realish. Same could be said for the Marvel Universe too, where you can do all these supernatural things. You can fly and all this stuff. But that actually breaks all of our laws of physics.

Craig: Correct.

John: Someone I want to be in that world to say, “Oh, no, this must be a simulation where you’re changing these parameters, because these are not possible things.”

Craig: I am obsessed with this one moment – it’s in one of the Avengers – where Tony Stark gets thrown out of his own building. I think it’s the first Avengers movie. He’s falling from his skyscraper, and then Jarvis sends out the Iron Man stuff, which-

John: Assembles around, yeah.

Craig: … lands and assembles around him. And he almost hits the ground and then he puts his repulsors on to stop himself from falling.

John: They’re liquefied.

Craig: There are people right under it who should be vaporized. Also, the G-force of falling that hard and stopping like that is akin to hitting pavement. The Marvel characters follow no physics. Their arms should be ripping out of their sockets based on the things that they’re doing. It’s okay. It’s Marvel.

John: It’s Marvel, absolutely, so I’m willing to forgive it, just like I don’t believe in ghosts, but if I’m writing a story with ghosts in it, I’m gonna follow all the-

Craig: I love Ghostbusters.

John: I want to follow that thread down, so great.

Craig: Once you say, okay, we’re gonna throw some physics out the window, literally, for everybody, then yeah, go for it.

John: But circling back to a conclusion, I think the actual physics of traveling outside the solar system are not going to make sense for physical human beings.

Craig: I agree. It will not make sense for physical human beings. I think we’re here to be here. I think this is where we are, and this is where we shall stay until they reboot.

Drew: We’re real.

Craig: Yes, we are real. We’re as real as anything.

John: Just because I think we’re gonna get emails about this-

Craig: Oh, really?

John: You believe we’re in a simulation, but you’re not nihilistic about it. You don’t believe that nothing matters. You actually do believe that things matter.

Craig: I don’t think anything matters ultimately. I think that existence is absurd. But I feel like there’s a way to behave. There are values that I think are important, that are programmed into us or you could say are part of our shared genetic code and the expression of bio-evolutionary instincts to be pro-social. It feels good to help people. It feels good to do the right thing. It feels good to contribute. It feels good to fulfill a purpose. Look what we do for a living. If we die today, it’s not like everyone goes, “That’s it. Pack it up, everyone. Mass suicide. Those guys aren’t around anymore.” But we do it anyway, because we’ve found purpose for our lives. And then that’s that. Look at Drew. He’s gonna cry.

Drew: I’m sticking to my guns.

Craig: Nothing wrong with that. By the way, I’m way out of line with almost everybody. Most people believe in God and angels. I’ve gone past the atheists now into some whole other dimension of stupidity. And here’s the best part. It doesn’t even matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter, unless I get thrown in Hell and burn in a lake of fire forever, in which case that will be very annoying and confusing. Time’s sure spinning for me. We stood outside and watched the eclipse. We took a pause in the middle of this to watch the eclipse. It looked beautiful.

John: Yeah, it looked beautiful.

Craig: It looked so vivid and real.

Drew: That’s because the moon is real.

Craig: It’s as real as my eyeball.

John: Thanks, guys.

Craig: Thank you.

Links:

  • My Pal Foot Foot by The Shaggs
  • Braid by Jonathan Blow
  • Connections from the New York Times
  • Q: Who Found a Way to Crack the U.K.’s Premier Quiz Show? by David Segal for The New York Times
  • On what motivates us: a detailed review of intrinsic v. extrinsic motivation by Laurel S. Morris, Mora M. Grehl, Sarah B. Rutter, Marishka Mehta, and Margaret L. Westwater
  • Why are there so many illegal weed stores in New York City? by PJ Vogt
  • Shōgun on FX
  • Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!
  • Check out the Inneresting Newsletter
  • Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription or treat yourself to a premium subscription!
  • Craig Mazin on Threads and Instagram
  • John August on Threads, Instagram and Twitter
  • John on Mastodon
  • Outro by Ben Singer (send us yours!)
  • Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt and edited by Matthew Chilelli.

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode here.

Scriptnotes, Episode 638: Lawyer Scenes, Transcript

May 16, 2024 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2024/lawyer-scenes).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** Oh. Oh. My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** And you’re listening to Episode 638 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters. Today on the show, you can’t handle the truth.

**Craig:** You can’t handle the truth!

**John:** We’ll be talking about lawyer scenes in movies and television with an actual criminal defense attorney, to separate the tropes from the truth. And in our Bonus Segment for Premium Members, Craig, beach vacations. Is there anything better or anything worse?

**Craig:** Everything is better. Literally everything.

**John:** I’m with you there. We’re going to have to find some other third party to argue for beach vacations.

**Craig:** I don’t know if we have the right guy for that, be honest with you.

**John:** We’ll see. First, Craig, we have some important follow-up here about a mistake that you made. The great Julia Turner herself wrote in to say:

**Drew Marquardt:** “As your self-appointed chief journalist correspondent, I am obligated to write in to tell you that Stephen Glass published his fabulism in The New Republic, not The New Yorker. That is how his articles made it through The New Yorker’s vaunted fact-checking process, which in fact, they didn’t.”

**Craig:** God, I feel terrible. Confession time. My entire life, I panic whenever I have to reference The New Republic, The New Yorker, or New York Magazine.

**John:** 100 percent.

**Craig:** New Yorker is special. New Republic is also quite special. New York Magazine is not that special. But I panic every time. And I blew it here. And I blew it in the dumbest way, because I made a mistake, a fact-checking mistake about a fact-checking story where a guy was making stuff up. So thank you, Julia, for correcting me. And my deepest apologies to the folks at New Yorker, who have always been very nice to me. And what did I do? I rewarded them by trying to hang Stephen Glass around their neck. I’m sorry about that. It was The New Republic. Craig is shamed.

**John:** Julia also sent through this link about this article that Hanna Rosin wrote. Hanna Rosin was a contemporary of Stephen Glass working at The New Republic. When the whole thing outbroke, she felt blindsided and betrayed. But in this follow-up article, she goes to Los Angeles to meet with him and see what he’s done with his life. And she finds him as he’s trying to get the California Bar to let him become a lawyer. And so it’s all the drama surrounding that. We’ll put a link in the show notes to this really good article by Hanna Rosin that also ties into our main theme here, which is what does it mean to be a lawyer and what does the law include.

**Craig:** We should probably get a lawyer to discuss that.

**John:** Yeah, we should. I have the perfect person for us.

**Craig:** Oh, do you?

**John:** Ken White is a defense attorney and a former federal prosecutor, whose expertise includes criminal justice, free speech rights, and the intricacies of the legal system. He’s got this knack for demystifying complex legal topics, which we can witness each week on his podcast, Serious Trouble, which you should definitely subscribe to. Craig, you and I and many people may already follow him on social media, because he’s @popehat, or read his blog posts at popehat.com.

**Craig:** And Ken and I have known each other I think before the existence of podcasts.

**John:** Wow.

**Craig:** It’s going on, what, 21 years or something like that now. Welcome, Ken White.

**Ken White:** Thank you very much, guys. I’m very happy to be here.

**John:** Ken, can you talk us through, what do you mostly do in your days? I see you on social media. You’re writing stuff. You’re doing your podcast. But what is your actual day job? Who are you representing?

**Ken:** I have a practice. It includes criminal defense, in both state and federal courts, and a lot of eclectic civil cases. I really love First Amendment stuff, but I take on all sorts of other civil cases. It’s everything from plaintiffs to defendants, all sorts of subject areas, a lot of stuff.

But to answer your question, what do I do, it’s mostly paperwork. The demystifying, there’s a whole lot of paperwork of various kinds, and then there’s supervising other people doing paperwork and editing their paperwork. Then there’s asking the client to give you paperwork and then saying, “No, that’s not right. Do it again.” Then there’s arguing about paperwork in front of the judge. It’s not a job for someone who really wants the outdoors. You can be a trial lawyer, but even trial lawyers spend a lot of time not actually in court doing exciting things.

**Craig:** I gotta be honest. You were mentioning just before we started that you’re about to go into a trial. I have lots of friends who are attorneys. Trials seem like these things that sometimes occasionally happen, but most of the time it’s like watching baseball. Every now and again, something happens, but it’s a lot of stuff in between. That is the athletic version of paperwork. Our understanding, in Hollywood at least, of how this all works, I don’t recall seeing a ton of paperwork scenes, John. Do you?

**John:** No. Actually, in Clueless, one of our favorite movies, there is a lot of paperwork. She comes in and she helps out with highlighting through the depositions or something.

**Craig:** Which is disturbing.

**Ken:** As a rule of thumb, for every minute that something dramatic is happening, you spent two hours, at least, preparing for it.

**Craig:** But at least those hours earn you money.

**Ken:** Sometimes, yes, that is true.

**Craig:** Sometimes.

**John:** Now, Ken, we’re gonna get into scenes in movies and television that involve lawyers and involve the law. But I’m curious, from your side, how much of your decision to become a lawyer was based on seeing it on screen? How much of your early impression of it and your interest in it came from seeing it on screen?

**Ken:** I think I started, I just wanted to be a lawyer because my dad was a lawyer and I admired him. He was a trust and estates lawyer for his whole career, and I definitely did not wind up doing that. That was my sense. Then yeah, stuff like LA Law, which was our era, and movies like To Kill A Mockingbird and things like that, those influenced it. But most of what I learned about what being a lawyer is actually like didn’t start happening until I had jobs in college or after law school.

**John:** One of the discussions that actually prompted having you come on this podcast was we were talking about Anatomy of a Fall this last year, which was such a great movie and is a French legal courtroom drama. Watching that movie as an American, you’re just going crazy, like, how are they allowed to do this? All these rules, things we’re expecting from the American system are just not happening there. As we get into lawyer scenes, I guess we should stress that we’re really talking about the realities of the U.S. legal system, because stuff’s gonna be different any place else. This is not necessarily gonna apply to our British listeners, our French listeners, our Australian listeners.

**Craig:** Noticeable lack of wigs. You don’t have to wear a wig, do you? It would be nice if you could, Ken.

**Ken:** No, I do not.

**Craig:** Dammit.

**Ken:** I’m going in bald these days. Here’s the thing though. Most dramatic presentations of the law are so far from reality that you might as well have them be commentary on law in France or Burkina Faso or whatever you want to choose, because the delta is not meaningful, because there’s such a huge difference between the way it really works and the way you make it work on screen.

**Craig:** It sounds like we’re nailing it over here in Hollywood is what Ken’s saying.

**John:** That’s what he’s saying is we’re being 100 percent accurate.

**Ken:** But I’m okay with that. The way I see it is, it’s an art form and it’s completely different than the medium it’s describing. It’s like if someone says, “How come the movie isn’t like my favorite book?” I understand, because it’s a different medium. The same thing is, if you’re gonna depict legal stuff, it’s a very different medium than a transcript, and so you’re gonna cut out all the horrible, soul-destroying parts.

**John:** But Ken, it must be somewhat frustrating when you encounter a new client who has an expectation of how this is all gonna go, having seen legal stuff from Hollywood all these years, and then you have to confront them with the reality of what it’s really gonna be like.

**Ken:** Yes, although often, the clients have a better sense by the time they get to me.

**Craig:** Because they’re recidivists or… ?

**Ken:** Sometimes, yeah. The people I represented when I was on the Indigent Defense Panel, people accused of drug crimes, violent crimes, immigration crimes in the federal system, who couldn’t afford a lawyer, they understood. They’d seen it before, and they didn’t have any illusions about it.

The way people tend to consume it based on what they’ve seen, it’s not so much they have these movie-style expectations about the way the case works. What you’ll find is privileged people, affluent people who went to college and grew up in a good neighborhood and have never been in the system before tend to experience the system as conspiratorial. They tend to think, “This criminal case they brought against me, someone must have it out for me. The DEA himself must have it out for me. There’s a conspiracy, because I cannot conceive of any other way that I would be treated like this,” whereas the guy I’m defending in his third bank robbery is, “Oh, this is exactly the way it works. I’m getting ground through the system again.”

It takes a while for people to realize that it’s not just that the courtroom isn’t exciting as it is on a 42-minute TV show, but that the process is a lot more Kafka-esque. And it’s hard to accept that this is the way they’re treating people all the time. In fact, they’re probably treating most people worse than you.

**Craig:** The lawyers that you run into, I’m guessing both working for the state or fellow defense attorneys, are probably nowhere near as interesting, flamboyant, explosive, tricky, articulate as the lawyers we’re seeing on television and movies, but perhaps are better served by their paperwork skills.

**Ken:** Let’s not leave attractive off that list.

**Craig:** Yes, of course.

**Ken:** Yeah, absolutely.

**Craig:** Just lots of Tom Cruises moving through the courtroom.

**Ken:** Exactly. Eight out of 10 criminal defense attorneys keep their court jacket in the trunk of their car and look like it. There are a lot of characters, actually. I find trial lawyers tend to be more character-ish than people who mostly do paperwork, just because you have to be, and the system guides you to be. There’s a lot more regular, “This is my job. Not every minute is on camera and funny or dramatic,” than you expect.

**John:** As you start talking through these tropes, I guess we’re gonna mostly focus on criminal stuff, but point out when there’s differences between how a criminal and civil case might work for these situations.

Let’s think about a classic start of any criminal trial or any criminal procedure is that this person has gotten arrested. One of the very first things we hear is the Miranda rights. “You have the right to remain silent.” Can you talk us through what the realities are of a person’s rights and what a person should be doing, what that person who is arrested should be doing versus what we see them doing in movies and television?

**Craig:** Can I make a prediction?

**John:** Please.

**Craig:** Ken is gonna say, “Don’t talk to the police.”

**Ken:** Yeah, but also don’t talk to the FBI.

**Craig:** Don’t talk to anyone, really.

**Ken:** A lot of my clients are white-collar accused people. They’re in a position where someone comes to the door, knocks, and says, “Hey, we’re from the FBI. We just have a few questions.” It’s not happening when they’re getting arrested. That’s true for most white-collar crime. You first find out there’s a problem when people start coming up to you and saying, “Hey,” the whole Columbo shtick, which is very accurate, by the way, the way Columbo would just be, “I just have this one question. You know this isn’t a big deal. Why would you be worried about me?” Totally law enforcement.

Law enforcement loves to put you at ease, make you think there’s nothing wrong here, you should just talk. But you shouldn’t. Whether you’re the guy who’s just got arrested a block away from a bank robbery that just happened or you’re the CFO of a publicly traded company whose stock has taken a nosedive and the SEC shows up at your door and they want to ask you a few questions just over coffee, both times you should shut up and talk to a lawyer, because you don’t know what’s going on. You don’t know your known. Unknowns are unknown unknowns. You probably don’t know the law. You may not even know if you’ve committed a crime. You probably don’t remember all the details of the things, because you haven’t immersed yourself in them yet. You have not looked through the emails or the documents or that type of thing.

Very little good can happen from you saying, “I need to talk to my lawyer.” The trick here is people think, “But if I do that, then they’re gonna arrest me,” or, “If I do that, they’re gonna be suspicious of me.” Possibly true, but the truth is, that reminds me of the argument, “I don’t want to wear a seat belt, because if I drive into a lake, I want to be able to get out easily.” It’s that kind of thinking. You’re protecting against something that’s a lot less of a risk when you’re saying, “I don’t want to make them mad.” The big risk is that they are incredibly good at getting you to say things that are against your best interest. Overwhelmingly, the best thing to do is to shut up.

**Craig:** That’s something that I didn’t know as a kid until a television show came along: NYPD Blue. That was the first time I had seen cops complain about people lawyering up. They basically were giving you a cheat code. All the cops ever complained about was the idea that somebody would lawyer up. “We gotta get in there and get this guy to talk before he lawyers up.” All I concluded – what else could I conclude from that show other than lawyer up?

**Ken:** That’s right. Actually, that’s an area where Hollywood and movies or TV gets remarkably close to the way it really is. All those depictions in all those shows of the box and you’ve got the perp in the box, you’re gonna sweat him, that is actually pretty realistic, all of the different techniques you see. There’s probably not quite as much violence anymore as you see portrayed. But pretending to be their friend, conning them into talking, all of that is absolutely classic. That’s what they do.

**John:** Now, at some point, Ken, you are brought in, and you are their lawyer. Can you talk us through that first meeting? Because I think that’s a very classic scene we’re also seeing is that first time the lawyer is talking with their client. The questions of, are you meeting them in prison or in jail? What is the boundaries of attorney-client privilege? How much can they feel free to say to you during those moments, even if they haven’t specifically hired you at that moment? That first meeting, what are the crucial things that we’re seeing or not seeing in scenes?

**Ken:** Sure. I’ve done all of those circumstances. I’ve met them the first time in jail. I’ve met them by the phone or Zoom, in person, all those things. If they are consulting me to consider hiring me, then our communications are privilege. I can’t reveal them. There are very few exceptions, one being if they’re currently controlling a bomb that’s about to go off, something on that level, they’re imminently about to commit a violent crime. Other than that, it’s completely privileged.

You obviously have to be very careful about your location. You don’t want to be talking in a crowded restaurant. You have to be careful who’s in the room with you, because that can disrupt the privilege if there are other people in the room with you. You don’t want to be someplace where you can be overheard.

But generally, my message is always, “Okay. I need you to tell me everything that happened. I need you to tell me the whole truth. We’re gonna start slow.” But that’s absolutely key. That’s controversial. You see this all the time in TV and movies. They say, “Don’t tell me what happened,” the implication being, “I want to be able to lie for you.”

There is a rule that as an attorney you can’t put anyone on the stand to lie. You cannot knowingly solicit perjury. If the client tells me, “I was in France,” I can’t put them on and instruct them to testify, “I was in Mexico,” something like that. But that problem is vanishingly small compared to the problem of not knowing all the true facts. Most cases settle. Of the ones that go to trial, few criminal cases have defendants testify. I would say less than 20 percent. To be deliberately telling your client not to fully inform you of the full facts because of this tiny chance that someday you may want them to testify at trial and say something different is a complete misreading of the situation.

**Craig:** You’re gonna want your client to say, “Yeah, I absolutely murdered my wife.” You kind of need to know that.

**Ken:** Yeah, I do.

**Craig:** The other question I have in regards to this first meeting – it’s very typical in television and movies, if the defense attorney is either the hero or the villain, when they show up they have this attitude. They always have this attitude when they walk in, like, “Okay, stupid cops. Beat it. I’m here.” When you show up in jail, at the police station, wherever you may be, if you are interrupting that process, how do you deal with the police, knowing that they’re looking at you with either suspicion or frustration?

**Ken:** My favorite iteration of that is probably from Fish Called Wanda. But generally, when you meet with a client, you get put in a separate room. You get put someplace where you can consult in private. Generally, you can rely that those are not being recorded in there, although some types of crime, some types of things, I would not have the full conversation there.

There’s rarely that cinematic, the cops are glaring at you. Usually, you’re not dealing with the cops who investigated and arrested. You’re dealing with sheriff’s deputies who are working in the jail or something like that. That type of thing doesn’t often happen. The time when it sometimes happens is when you get a call and your client’s business is being searched by the FBI and they’re sitting out on the curb. Then you roll up and the agents are all around. Then it can be a little awkward. But it’s the job.

**John:** The other scene I can picture is this guy comes home, his wife is murdered on the floor, he calls his lawyer first and then calls the police. The lawyer’s there at the actual crime scene when the crime is first being investigated. Is that a thing that actually really happens, where someone would call the attorney before calling the police?

**Ken:** In a manner of speaking. I haven’t encountered that in a murder scenario. But all the time in white-collar cases you encounter, “Are we gonna go to the cops with this? Are we gonna self-disclose that we’ve just discovered that our COO has been cheating customers?” or something like that. That is a very common strategic question faced by attorneys: do you self-report and hope to get out the best?

I value clients who call me and let me know something is going badly at the first available opportunity. Unfortunately, all these good decisions I’m suggesting that people make are not the norm, even for really smart people. I had a client in here the other day who said, “They asked to talk to me, but I said I need to talk with my attorney. And they say, ‘Are you sure? We just want to clear some of the things up.’ I said, ‘Yes, I’m sure, but I’ll have my attorney talk to you.'” I said to him, “Would if offend you if I said I want to kiss you right on the lips?” because that is so rare and it just warms my heart. When clients do that, I’m thrilled. Too often, part of what you get when you get the case, in criminal cases or civil cases, is that the client has already run their mouth or tried to fix things or tried to make things better.

**Craig:** Now you’re in trouble.

**Ken:** And it’s made your job harder.

**John:** Another thing we see at this stage is sometimes a lawyer taking a case that’s outside of their area of expertise. You have known thing that you’re really good at, but if a difficult real estate deal came or if somebody who was normally a corporate attorney but they’re accepting a murder trial.

**Craig:** Let’s say you’re a guy from Brooklyn who happens to be in the South and your nephew gets pinched for murder.

**John:** For example.

**Craig:** What do you do then?

**John:** Are there rules about what kinds of attorneys can’t even do what kinds of jobs, or basically, if you pass the Bar, you can do that kind of case?

**Ken:** For the most part, yes. There are a few specialties where you have to be specially licensed, but generally, you can blunder in and screw up anybody’s life in any field of law. I am very careful about not taking on areas of law that I don’t know. I will tell clients, “If you want to do that, you’re gonna have to pay me to learn the law in this area. I don’t think you want to do that,” because I’ve seen how people going and not knowing what they’re doing can be dramatically bad. Having experience both in federal and state court, for instance, I’ve seen how competent, experienced state criminal defense attorneys wander into federal court and it’s a completely different world and they don’t know what they’re doing. They can just cause complete havoc, very bad for their client.

I had a client not that long ago who was in some skirmish with a neighbor. They got something from the city attorney’s office calling for them to come in for an office meeting to talk about it. They went to the real estate lawyer, who thought he was smart and says, “Ignore it. You would never talk to them.” Real estate lawyer doesn’t know that an office meeting is a city attorney thing where they basically mean, come in, we’re gonna have you shake hands, and we’re gonna send you off and dismiss it. And so instead, he got charged, because he didn’t go to the office meeting.

You gotta know what you’re doing. You have an ethical obligation to be reasonably competent at the area where you’re practicing. Criminal is one of the areas where you can make things much worse very quickly. I’m very much against people blundering where they do not belong.

**John:** No My Cousin Vinny for Ken. He’s ruining movies.

**Craig:** It sounds like, but also, he’s foreclosing the possibility of a great television show. Hear me out. Do you remember those wonderful shows where itinerant heroes would just wander peripatetically from place to place?

**Ken:** B.J. and the Bear. Kung Fu.

**Craig:** Highway to Heaven. Kung Fu. There’s tons. They would roam the earth like dinosaurs, Drew.

**John:** Reacher does the same thing today.

**Craig:** Actually, Reacher does, although it’s a season.

**John:** A little more limited.

**Craig:** It’s not week to week. Highway to Heaven, he would literally be like, “I’m done.” The Incredible Hulk.

**John:** Totally.

**Craig:** My idea is that kind of show but with a bumbling lawyer. Every week he wanders into a new town, encounters a new case that he’s completely unqualified for.

**John:** I love it.

**Craig:** Blows it completely and then is like, “Meh, did it again,” and just moves on. Ken, any chance that that would-

**Ken:** I could see it work as a farce. I love My Cousin Vinny. It’s a great legal movie, because it’s entertaining. It gets some things surprisingly right. Some of the expert cross-examination stuff they show law students. Was it a good idea for this dude who had never done a trial before to do a criminal trial? It was absolutely not a good idea.

**Craig:** Wow, except hold on a second, because his beautiful girlfriend understood about Positraction, so that part worked.

**Ken:** The other thing is you’re not gonna have Marisa Tomei with you when you’re looking to step in [crosstalk 00:23:11].

**Craig:** You probably won’t have Marisa Tomei. I guess that’s true.

**John:** Ken, you brought up ethical issues. Can we talk about conflict of interest? Because you taking on a certain client, you have to disclose your conflicts of interest there. What might those conflicts be?

**Ken:** A few of them are you can’t represent people in the same case, where their interests conflict, unless you have a knowing, intelligent written waiver from them. Typically, you’re not allowed to represent two defendants in the same trial, because they may want to point the finger at each other. It’s very rare for you to be able to do that. In civil cases, it’s much more common to represent multiple defendants in the same case. But you always have to get an elaborate waiver from them, saying, “I understand all these risks and downsides.”

There can be problems where someone wants me to sue a former client, which I won’t do. Generally, you can’t represent one client against another current or former client if you might have gotten relevant secret information from that former client. There are all sorts of rules like that. When you have a personal financial stake in what’s going on, you can’t do it. There are often ways to get waivers from clients. Sometimes there’s not. The judge gets to make the ultimate call about whether or not it’s right.

It’s something you really have to watch out for. When you have a harmonious group of people who want to hire you, and obviously they want to hire one lawyer and not pay for five lawyers for the five of them, things can go south very quickly when they stop being harmonious. When that group gets angry at each other, then all of a sudden you’re hoping that you did the conflict waivers right.

**Craig:** The collection of dingdongs around Donald Trump constantly backbiting at each other. What a wonderful clown party that is to watch. But the other conflict of interest that we tend to see in movies and television are lawyers sleeping with each other.

**John:** I was gonna say, is it a conflict of interest if you fell in love with your client?

**Craig:** Or a client. Oh, god.

**Ken:** First of all, ew. Second of all-

**Craig:** That’s just based on your client [crosstalk 00:25:18].

**John:** Absolutely. You don’t have Sharon Stone as your client?

**Ken:** Believe me. You could have the most attractive client in the world and spend an hour talking to them and you may not want to sleep with anyone ever again. Most State Bars have rules about carrying on romantic relationships with clients. It’s sometimes not classified as a conflict-of-interest issue, although it could be. But it’s generally, in most states now, considered unethical and improper, because it clouds your judgment. They can’t make the right decisions about whether or not to get a new lawyer. Their judgment is clouded. But of course, it’s a trope in fiction forever, and that’s because it does happen and you see it. And it quite often winds up very badly.

**John:** I want to circle back to this idea of representing multiple parties, because I think to Succession, and as the Roy family starts suing each other, one of the things that comes up again and again is, are you going to join this bigger group or have your own lawyer? The smart people seem to have their own lawyer.

**Ken:** Yeah, particularly if you’re the weakest person in the group. If the corporation is in the face of a criminal investigation and they hire one lawyer to represent the CEO, the CFO, and Jimmy the janitor, Jimmy may take it in the shorts, because most of the attention is not gonna be given to him. He has a reason to worry that they’re not gonna be looking out for his best interests or alerting him when a real conflict of interest comes up.

There are always problems in situations where there are all sorts of conflicting loyalties and things like that. That’s why you have to very carefully analyze who the clients are, what their relationship is, to what extent are they going to want to point the finger at each other to defend themselves in this case, and how can we deal with that. That comes with very frank early conversations with clients, which is difficult, because – and this is something we should talk about – clients lie.

**John:** Let’s get into that, because that’s also a trope of these stories is that the lawyer, very deep into how it all goes, realizes there’s a whole separate thing that they’ve not been told about.

**Craig:** Richard Gere shows up and he’s like, “What about the book and the videotape and all that?”

**John:** Or Edward Norton is actually a psychopath.

**Craig:** Edward Norton, he didn’t do anything wrong, and then he did.

**John:** Yeah, and then he did.

**Craig:** Then he didn’t, but then he did. Then he didn’t, he did. But you catch your client in a lie. What is that? Is that a confrontation? Does it get sparky?

**Ken:** It can. It depends on the nature of the lie. The thing is, clients lie, not because clients are bad or because these are evil people involved in crime and civil disputes. Clients lie because people lie. People particularly lie when they’re scared and under stress and upset. The people I meet are scared and under stress and upset. They’re often embarrassed and humiliated by what’s happened. They’re trying to figure out what’s going on. They’re trying to wrap their mind around it. It takes a while for them to get a comfort level with you so they’ll come completely clean.

Think about it. How many people do we all really be completely transparent and nakedly open with about things? Probably a lot of the time, not even our spouses or best friends or confessors or whoever. It’s not human nature. It can take a lot of work to get the point where the client is comfortable doing that. Some of them never get all the way comfortable. Some of them can’t admit out loud they’ve done something. Sometimes they lie, and it causes me problems.

I’ve had clients lie up and down after I’ve given them the whole speech for hours, and it’s had bad impact on the case. I’ve had clients lie in the first meeting and I found out an hour after I left. And I fired them, just because I didn’t want to deal with it. Every attorney knows this. I represent humans in bad positions. People like that take a while to get around to being able to tell me the truth.

**John:** Circling back to the article from The New Republic that Julia Turner sent through, one of the things interesting is Stephen Glass is working as a paralegal, and one of his jobs was, as new clients came in, he was the person who first talked them through this is how it’s all gonna go. He fully disclosed, “I was fired for doing this terrible thing where I made up all this stuff and I lied.” He spends a lot of time explaining how he lied and how it was a bad thing, and in the belief it actually got the clients to be more open and transparent about what stuff was actually happening. That’s also his point of view on the whole thing, so he may be doing some fabulism right there.

**Craig:** Possibly.

**John:** But your ideal client would just sit down with you from the first meeting and say, “Here is everything. I am holding nothing back,” correct?

**Ken:** My idea is that anything that’s remotely complicated, that it’s gonna take a lot of meetings. I’m gonna set the table with the first meeting by explaining how important this is and going through some stuff. Then we’re gonna go through it in more detail. I’m gonna take the measure of the client. This is something you learn over the course of this career over decades. Take a sense of them, how long it’s gonna take to romance the truth out of them. Sometimes that gets right; sometimes that gets wrong.

The things you see in movies and TV, it’s very classic, it’s almost a cliché, I think, where the defendant has told them some of it, but then there’s one aspect they haven’t told them. They say, “I was embarrassed. I thought you wouldn’t believe me.” That’s very real. That happens frequently, where they’ve told me 80 percent of it but not the other 20 percent or something like that. That’s again just human nature.

**John:** In these initial setup things, and before we get to any trial or any sort of settlement, talk through some possible escape hatches. Spousal privilege, like the idea that you cannot be forced to testify against your spouse, is that a real thing? What are the edges of that? Because you see this in movies and TV.

**Ken:** This is a great Bar Exam question. There are two spousal related privileges. One is a spousal communications privilege. That means I can prevent my wife from testifying about a confidential communication we had during the course of our marriage. The other is testimonial privilege. That’s my wife can’t be compelled to testify against me while we’re married, not that she would need to be.

**Craig:** She could choose it though.

**Ken:** Exactly. She could [crosstalk 00:31:58].

**Craig:** Certainly, your wife would.

**Ken:** Yeah. They would have to say, “No, you’ve testified enough, Ms. Harbers. That’s enough.”

**Craig:** “Please sit down.”

**Ken:** Those are real things. They actually do come up all the time. They come up in context like taking the deposition of a husband or wife and asking them about something that their spouse said to them. That can be under the privilege. Things like that. Those are real things. Those come up. Those are usually evidentiary issues that come up at trial or during the discovery process.

**John:** You bring up evidentiary issues. One of the things we also see in movies and TV is where the attorney or Matlock’s assistant goes out and does some digging around and finds out the truth and does some investigation. How much investigation, discovery, and evidence gathering is actually typical and allowed and commonplace in the kinds of cases that you’re taking?

**Ken:** My types of cases, quite a lot. Now, in criminal cases, you’re supposed to be getting discovery from the government. They’re supposed to be turning over stuff. But you will definitely do your own supplemental investigation, whether it’s having people interviewed or researching records or whatever it is, depending on the nature of the case.

I learned very early on how important that was. A very early case I had when I got out of the government was a young guy who had been arrested while doing a summer at a prestigious college. He gets arrested for having meth and a gun in a drawer in his bureau in the college dorm room. He says, “It’s not mine. Someone must’ve put it there.” I’m like, “Yeah, sure, kid.” I hire an investigator to investigate the roommate, because the parents have the money to do this. Come to find out the roommate just got out of jail for stealing things from other people at this prestigious college and blaming it on other people, trying to frame other people for the crimes.

**Craig:** Wait a second. Hold on.

**Ken:** I went and I used that information, because this guy who did that was the one who turned my client in to the police, said, “Look what I found in the drawer of the bureau.” I brought that to the DA. I said, “Your witness is probably gonna be taking offense, but I’m gonna make mincemeat out of him.” They wound up giving my client a deal, a diversion program, stay out of trouble for a year and no charges.

That’s an example of why you have to learn to investigate things, even if you’re dubious, because the thing about these cases and this system is you can get so worn down and so into a rut that you can stop seeing people as individuals, stop believing their stories, just see them as a statistic. I’ve seen this case a million times before. It always plays out like this. Lose your edge that way. You’ve gotta keep your edge. You’ve got to always make the inquiries and put in the work to do that job for your client.

**John:** Let’s talk about who’s doing that work. You said you hadana investigator. Is that a private investigator, or is that classically a person who’s licensed to do that, or is it someone else who’s working for the firm? Who does that?

**Ken:** It depends on the case and the type of law. Typically, criminal cases, we have private investigators we have relationships with. A lot of them are ex-journalists or ex-federal agents, things like that. They’re good at wheedling information out of people, that type of thing. There’s not a lot of gunplay with them, but there’s a lot of tracking people down and talking to them, getting them to talk. We have different investigators for different types. Sometimes they’re in-house; sometimes they’re not. It really depends on the occasion.

Civil is often very different, because civil discovery is a lot more active. You’re sending formal demands to the other side. You’re entitled to do things like demand they produce particular documents or answer questions or sit for a deposition. You have a lot more leeway of how you investigate in a civil case.

**John:** Let’s say that you’ve talked to the client. You see what the case is laid out before you. Before you would go to trial, there’s some discussion of reaching a settlement. Are you the person who reaches out with, “Hey, let’s sit down and talk this through.” When something comes to a settlement before trial, what’s tended to happen?

**Ken:** It very much depends on the type of case and how serious it is. Your run-of-the-mill misdemeanor or petty felony, probably at arraignment they’re gonna tell you the offer. If you show up on a DUI, they’re probably gonna tell you this is the standard offer for first-offense DUIs. They’ll tell you that at the first appearance. Other cases, either you approach the prosecutor, or the prosecutor approaches you, say, “Are you interested?” There’s the dance of pretending, “No. I’m taking this to trial, but just for the sake of argument, what are you offering?” It’s a lot more formal and complex in federal court. A federal plea agreement is just monstrosity, 20 pages long. It’s a lot more informal in state court.

But the bottom line is usually one side or the other suggests, “Can we talk about it?” That’s really just a matter of schedule management. If you’re the prosecutor and you have 20 cases set for trial, you want to figure out which one of them is gonna go, and so they’re gonna want to make inquiries. If you’re a defense lawyer, you know that if someone’s gonna plead, the earlier they plead and possibly cooperate with the government, the more credit they’re gonna get, the more lenient sentence they’re gonna get.

**John:** A thing we saw out of Georgia was the use of racketeering laws, and so where you’re rounding up a bunch of people and you’re putting them all together on trial as one big thing.

**Craig:** Ken loves RICO, by the way.

**John:** Yeah, loves it. I listen to your podcast, so I know RICO is one of your favorite things on earth.

**Craig:** I like when he says he did a RICO.

**John:** In those situations, there could be a real benefit to being the first person to turn on the rest of the group. As the attorney representing that individual person, you’re looking at everybody else around you, and it feels like there’s a prisoner’s dilemma aspect to that as well.

**Ken:** Sure, there is. It’s not just RICO or really complicated cases. Any multi-defendant case or any case that’s connected to a larger investigation, if you can say, “My guy’s gonna come in and tell you everything,” and you’re the first in the door, then you’re gonna get the very best deal. In state court, that means allowed to plead to the most lenient thing with the most lenient recommendation. In federal court, it means allowed to plead to a lesser set of charges with a better sentencing recommendation in a more complex way.

The thing is that, yeah, it’s always a prisoner’s dilemma. You know that everyone in this situation is trying to find the least terrible way out of it. You always decide who’s gonna jump. A lot of the time, cases like the one we see in Georgia with Donald Trump and in similar cases, you have what’s called joint defense agreements. Those are agreements among the lawyers for the defendants. What they agree is that, “I’m gonna share information about what I learned from my client about this case and this situation. You’re gonna share yours. And we all agree to keep it confidential among ourselves and not disclose it.” And if anyone starts to cooperate, then they have to leave the group.

The point of this is to preserve the attorney-client privilege. The idea is that normally the attorney-client privilege only applies to a confidential communication. But the idea is if you talk to a group of people that has equal obligation to keep it secret, then you haven’t taken it outside the circle of privilege. That’s very common. In there, someone will say, “We’re leaving the group,” and then you know, okay, they’re about to cooperate, something like that.

But yeah, all the time. And usually in white-collar cases, it’s a lot more friendly, collegial. A lot more information is exchanged. Less of that in drug cases, violence cases, things like that. It’s a little more cutthroat. But yeah, that type of thing, that type of maneuvering is absolutely real.

**John:** Despite your best efforts, there’s no ability to reach a negotiated settlement. Talk us through what are the steps before we get to trial, what kind of things we would see before we get to trial.

**Ken:** Usually, when you’re getting ready for a trial, you have to put together all the exhibits that you’re gonna use. You have to have a witness list. Often, you’re required to propose jury instructions ahead of time. Those are crucial, because that’s where the judge tells the jury what the relevant law is. You’re gonna file a trial brief pointing out the legal issues that are gonna come up at trial.

Probably most crucially, you’re gonna be filing something called a motion in limine, meaning a limiting motion. That’s a motion saying, “Judge, this piece of evidence is illegal. You should keep it out. This piece of evidence is too inflammatory. You should keep it out. You should let me bring in this piece of evidence.” The motions in limine are incredibly important, because they can completely shape how the trial goes by what evidence is allowed to come in and what evidence isn’t allowed to come in. Before you’re picking that jury, we’ve alighted tons of work that’s very paperwork-intensive, very boring to show on film, but actually has a huge influence on how the case comes out.

**John:** Now let’s talk about – you’ve gone through all the evidentiary hearings. You’ve figured out what stuff is gonna get eliminated. Can you talk us through the jury selection process? What is that actually like? What do we see on film versus what the reality is?

**Ken:** It can go anywhere from super simple to super complicated. There are judges, particularly in simple cases, who do it lightning fast. The judges do all the questioning themselves, don’t let the lawyers talk to the jurors. I’ve known judges where you can have a jury picked in half a day. There are other cases, particularly cases that are gonna be super long or complicated, where you might have to do preliminary work. You might have to do something called qualify the jury. This RICO case against Trump and his pals in Georgia is such a one. Jurors are gonna get questionnaires saying, “Hey, would you be available for the next 9 to 12 months to sit in the uncomfortable chairs?”

**Craig:** Totally available. Wait, is it for RICO? Then yes.

**Ken:** Also, “Have you ever heard of Donald Trump? Do you have opinions about him?” That type of thing.

**Craig:** Who?

**Ken:** Bigger, more complicated cases, there will be screening of the jurors. Then there’s disputes over who gets to ask questions of the jurors. Some judges want to do it all themselves, because when we lawyers do it, then it’s called voir dire. We’re really doing two things. One is we are questioning the juror to find out whether we think they’re a good juror or not, but another is we’re developing a rapport with them and showing them themes of our case, like, “Ma’am, would you agree that if someone is standing there and a guy runs up with a knife that you might think he’s danger and might have to defend himself?” That type of thing. You’re trotting out your themes. You’re starting to get them thinking about who the people in the cases are. You’re making yourself hopefully entertaining or at least palatable to the jury.

Then you just go through, and different courtrooms have different ways of doing it, but generally there are jurors that you ask the judge to get rid of for cause, meaning that the judge strikes them because there’s some legal cause they shouldn’t be a juror, like they really can’t speak English well or they said that, “My dad’s a cop. I couldn’t be fair,” something like that.

Then you generally have what are called peremptory challenges, which are challenges that you get to use in your discretion to knock people out. You’re not allowed to use them based on race or gender or prohibited characteristics like that, notwithstanding that of course it happens all the time, particularly from the government. You’re using your sensibility. Who’s gonna be a good juror for me, who’s not. If you’re a prosecutor or if you’re the defendant in a case where the plaintiff’s asking for a lot of money, you want a solid citizen, someone who doesn’t believe in handing out money, someone who works for their money, someone who’s respectable, somewhat conservative, that type of thing. If you’re the defendant in the criminal case or the plaintiff in the case, it’s the other way around. You’re looking for people.

It’s totally an art and not a science. There are all sorts of shows about how it’s a science and you can attach electrodes to them and stuff like that and do it scientifically. My wife watches some of those, and I’m not allowed to be in the same room, because it agitates me almost as much as NCIS. I’m not allowed to be in the same room because of the comments I make.

**John:** Because what you’re seeing is that it does not reflect reality at all in terms of the ability to micro-slice who these people are?

**Ken:** No. There are people who make tons of money doing it, but I am super skeptical of that. I think it’s dousing, basically. I think it’s [unintelligible 00:44:56].

**Craig:** There was an entire movie about – was it Rainmaker or something like that? It was the Coppola movie where it was an expert to figure out exactly who should be on the jury using their mind powers. Basically, you’re just getting people that said that they would be available for nine months. There are certain things we can all conclude.

**John:** Maybe a speed round here. I want to talk a little bit about courtroom etiquette, because there’s things we see a lot in movies and television.

**Craig:** I object.

**John:** Talk to us about “I object.” Talk to us about objections and talking over objections. What does object mean and what are the edges of the reality of objection?

**Ken:** There’s a sliding scale of the formality of objections. The low end is a local, state court, and the high end is federal court. I always do it as if I’m in federal court, because then I can’t screw up. To do it properly, you stand up, you say, “Objection,” and then briefly the basis, “Hearsay.” The judge rules. What you’re not supposed to do is say it from a seated position. You’re not supposed to go off on a speech.

**Craig:** Objection.

**Ken:** “Objection. He knows he can’t do that. Since the beginning of time, the laws… ” That’s a speaking objection. You’re supposed to do it briefly. It’s a rule often broken. You’re not supposed to make a lot of bogus objections just to throw somebody off. Judges will eventually call you on that, and the jury will see it.

**Craig:** Has a judge ever said to you, “I’ll allow it, but watch yourself, counselor.” That seems to be in literally every – judges are constantly allowing objections but saying, “But I’ve got my eye on you.” Is that a thing?

**Ken:** If they were gonna say something like that, it would probably be at a sidebar, outside the hearing of the jury. That’s something that does happen. But no, they don’t put it like that in front of the jury. They might say, “I’ll let you ask a couple of questions, but get to the point quickly.” Something like that.

**Craig:** “Where are you going with this?”

**John:** Something that frustrates Craig and I – is begging the question actually a legitimate objection? If someone says, “Objection; begging the question.”

**Ken:** It is not a legal objection. I think actually-

**Craig:** It’s a mistake of thought.

**Ken:** … “states facts not in evidence” might be the right… Let’s face it; 90 percent of people use “begging the question” wrong anyway.

**Craig:** 90 percent is a very low estimate.

**Ken:** I discovered, to my dismay, having been married for nearly 30 years now, that being able to use “begging the question” correctly drives literary people wild. If I had known this in my early 20s, it would’ve been a completely different social scene for me.

**Craig:** Absolutely. No question. It’s a very narrow group of people, very curious group of people. Peter Sagal over there at NPR I think is the king of the movement.

**John:** Here’s a question for you. I see in movies and TV where the attorney seems to be addressing the jury rather than addressing whoever is on the stand. That’s a no-no, correct?

**Ken:** Unless it’s an opening or closing statement, correct, you’re not supposed to address the jury. And the judge will yell at you if you do that sort of thing.

**Craig:** What about that sly look over to the jury? Are you allowed to do that?

**Ken:** The thing is you want to be careful about that, because you might not be as irresistible to the jury as you think you are. One of my partners did a trial against the SEC. About midway through the trial, the jury sends out a note saying, “Can you ask the lawyer from the SEC to stop looking at us? He’s creeping us out.”

**Craig:** Oh, man.

**Ken:** Kind of sunk in his chair for the rest of the trial. It’s a bit of a blow to his ego. You want to be careful with that. If I’m cross-examining something and they’re being really argumentative or not answering the question, I will mug a little bit for the jury. I’ll roll my eyes and look in their direction, make eye contact, that type of thing. But you want to do it sparingly.

**John:** A thing we see in movies and TV is forceful gavel banging, where the judge is banging to get people to shut up or stuff. Is that a thing that you’ve encountered in your real life?

**Ken:** The only time I’ve seen gavels used is to open a session. I’ve had judges pound on the bench, one memorable occasion, to punctuate, “Mr. White, no, you may not.” But it’s pretty rare. Judges will yell, but banging on things, that type of theatrics, not so much anymore.

**John:** You brought up sidebar. Tell us, what conversations should be happening in sidebar that probably too often in our scenes are happening in front of the jury and everybody else?

**Ken:** Stuff that is not clear whether it’s admissible or not, and it might be prejudicial. Let’s say that we’re in a trial and the attorney questioning the witness starts getting into an issue of whether they’re having an affair, and it has nothing to do with the subject matter of the case. You would ask to speak at sidebar, because you don’t want to spell out to the jury, oh yeah, we don’t want you guys to know about the client having an affair, because you might treat them badly. Things like that where the judge may decide the jury shouldn’t hear about this are typically done at sidebar. All sidebar really is is a mechanism to keep things going, because it takes forever to troop the jury in and out of the jury box, and so you don’t want to send them all back into the room, because then you waste 15 minutes.

**Craig:** Maybe you should try directing a scene with 100 extras, my friend.

**Ken:** I’m sure. They’re probably better behaved than jurors.

**Craig:** Possibly.

**Ken:** It’s a way to do things. And it frustrates jurors, I think. Again, you don’t want to be constantly going up to sidebar, because the judge will start just telling you no. You gotta use it sparingly.

**John:** Great. We’re in trial. One of the cliches we see is people who decide to represent themselves at trial, which I’m sure for you is terrifying. What are the realities? If I got accused of a crime, I’m allowed to do that, right, even if I don’t have any background in law?

**Ken:** You are. Actually, it’s kind of tricky, because the judge has to give you sufficiently full explanation of why it’s really stupid to do that. If the judge doesn’t, you might have an appeal later. “I didn’t realize how stupid it was.” But the judge can’t prevent you from doing it, unless the judge finds basically that you don’t understand what you’re doing or not competent or something like that. It’s threading the needle for the judge.

It’s almost always horrific for the person. I’ve heard it described as a slow plea. This isn’t rocket science, what I do, but there’s a lot of things to it. You gotta know how to do it. You gotta have learned how to do it. If you’re just throwing it in, you don’t know the jargon, and there’s lots of jargon. You don’t know the rules. Just getting something into evidence, understanding what it means to lay a foundation for a piece of evidence so it can be admitted into evidence is something that you have to learn. It’s generally terrible. Usually, people wind up making things much worse.

**John:** Let’s say we’re in trial now. You’re gonna have witnesses up on the stand. You might have your own client, which for good reasons you probably won’t put your client on the stand, but you might. There are gonna be other witnesses that you’re gonna be putting up there. What kind of preparation can you do with a witness, are you allowed to do with a witness, if it’s your client, versus if it’s somebody else? What are the edges of what you’re allowed to do there in terms of getting them ready for it? There’s limits to how much you can coach them.

**Ken:** Let’s take non-clients first. You can absolutely talk to non-clients, unless they’re represented by a different attorney. You can ask them questions. You can say, “Do you mind if we go through the questions I’m gonna ask you?” You might even use the word “practice,” depending on how friendly they are. You can go through. You can ask them.

I’m careful. I don’t tell them, “It’d be better if you didn’t say that. It would be better if you said this instead.” I try to be more subtle and say, “Let me ask you about that answer. My impression was X, but you’re saying Y. Can you explain how I have it wrong?” They eventually get to maybe they were wrong. When they realize they were wrong, they clarify it. Whatever.

You can’t tell them what to say, and you absolutely can’t tell them to lie. But there’s a fair amount of leeway in going through their testimony in advance. And everyone does it. You can believe that federal prosecutors, before they put someone on the stand in Sam Bankman-Fried’s case, have gone through the questions with that person two to five times.

**Craig:** Debate prep.

**Ken:** Exactly, exactly. With a client, it’s different, because it’s protected by the attorney-client privilege. You cannot put the client on the stand to lie. You cannot knowingly elicit perjured testimony. That’s why that thing we discussed before, this trend where some lawyers say, “That’s why you’d never ask the client what happened and you’d tell them not to tell you yet, so it doesn’t prevent you from putting any story on they want,” to me, that’s absolutely lunatic, because you can’t defend them. You can’t know what the defense is. You can’t organize the case, know where the pitfalls are, unless you know what happened and what they know.

**Craig:** That does seem like a terrible strategy, like, “Look, the deal is we’re just gonna black box this thing. I’m gonna put you on the stand. You’re gonna say some stuff. That’ll probably work.” What do I need a lawyer for?

**Ken:** The thing is, this is a real thing that some lawyers do.

**Craig:** It’s crazy.

**Ken:** I watched a debate that turned into basically a screaming match between Alan Dershowitz and a different professor 30 years ago in the trial skills class I took, where they were arguing over this very thing, whether or not you stop the client from blurting out stuff, prevent them from locking themselves in. This is one of the few times you’re on Alan Dershowitz’s side. It’s lunacy not to get every piece of information you can get out of the client. The downside of not being able to get them to lie is comparatively extremely minor.

**John:** Let’s talk about witnesses. Prosecution and defense are both going to, I guess, provide a list of the witnesses they’re going to bring, so that both sides can prepare. But in movies and TV, we’re constantly seeing surprise witnesses, like, oh my god, this person we thought was dead is now coming to sit on the stand. What are the rules around witnesses who were not previously announced and scheduled?

**Ken:** Generally, that doesn’t happen. It’s rare for it to happen. It’s rare to find out that someone you didn’t know before – especially civil cases. In civil cases, you’ve had years of written discovery, where each side has been telling the other, “Name every person in the universe who has knowledge about this case and that you’ve decided to depose them or not,” and then you’ve made a witness list for trial and all those sort of things. Showing up and saying, “Oh, I’ve got a new guy,” usually is not gonna go over well. There’s gonna have to be some pretty convincing reason that you could not have found them before for the judge to let that happen. The more important they are, the more that is the case. The same with evidence. Unless you can really show you couldn’t have found it without due diligence earlier, then it’s gonna be very hard to get it in at trial.

Now, one way that can happen is if the other side reveals something for the first time. Then you’re allowed to rebut. The things about disclosing evidence generally don’t prevent you from keeping a few things back for your rebuttal case. If the other side has lied, as they often do, calling them out as liars. That’s tricky, and you might not get the opportunity to do it. But that is not common.

**John:** We’re talking about witnesses and evidence, but sometimes in films and TV, the lawyer themselves is demonstrating something to the jury. It could be as part of the closing argument or something else that happens. You mentioned To Kill A Mockingbird. Atticus Finch throws a glass at Tom to prove that he’s left-handed. Is that a thing that could actually happen in real life?

**Craig:** You’re gonna throw glasses in the courtroom?

**Ken:** It could happen, but the judge would blow their stack.

**Craig:** You’re saying even if you asked your client to put on some gloves in front of the jury and they didn’t fit-

**Ken:** That’s different. When Atticus Finch throws that cup, the client catching it in one hand is not testimonial, and the client’s not under oath. There’s an implicit, “Here’s how I do things,” but it’s not under oath and it’s not subject to cross-examination. That’s why it’s inappropriate. You could get a client who is on the stand to demonstrate something, with the judge’s permission there, and you can get them to say, “Yes, I’m lefthanded.” The judge probably is not gonna let you surprise them in the middle and throw something to them. Generally, anything that looks super cute or gimmicky probably is gonna get you yelled at by the judge.

**John:** But what is the actual impact of being yelled at by the judge? Is it causing a mistrial? Is he then giving jury instructions? What actually happens? What is the consequence?

**Ken:** I love this question, because it’s so much of what you learn over the course of the practice. You don’t want the judge to yell at you in front of the jury, because the jury’s gonna become convinced that you’re a bad person and you’re doing bad lawyer things, unless the judge is kind of an asshole and the jury is sympathetic with you.

Once upon a time I tried a case as a prosecutor where the judge was being super mean to the rookie defense lawyer and yelling at her and beating her up and generally being a bully, and the jury was looking sympathetic to her. I was thinking, okay, this could go badly. They could “not guilty” just out of sympathy. I was pretty young. I thought, “I have an idea. I’ll make the judge yell at me too.” This was a judge who was famous for yelling. I wandered into the well in the center of the courtroom. I spoke from a seated position. I called them “Judge” instead of “Your Honor.” Before long, he was yelling at both of us. Then the young public defender comes over and says to me, “I know what you’re doing,” and she steps in. Arguably, this is where it went off the rails a bit. But by the end of the day, the guy is bright purple. Usually, you don’t want to do that sort of thing.

Here’s the thing about judges yelling. If it’s not in front of the jury and if it’s not impacting actual rulings, you’ve gotta learn to deal with it. Judges yell. Judges are human. They deal with a lot of stress. Some of them have personalities. You want to learn more about the bite than the bark.

When I have young associates I supervise and a judge is getting mean or they’ll worry the judge is gonna get mean, I refer them in the end of Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, where Brad Pitt’s character shoots the Nazis’ aid, because he’s so mad that the Nazis-

**Craig:** You’ll be shot [crosstalk 00:59:24]. More like chewed out.

**Ken:** I’ve been chewed out before.

**Craig:** I’ve been chewed out before.

**Ken:** I’ve been chewed out before.

**Craig:** Chewed out before.

**Ken:** I’ve been yelled at by judges before, and I’ll be yelled at by judges again. You just deal with it.

**John:** A trial happens. We’ve gone through all – it could be months. It could be short. But ultimately, there’s a verdict. That verdict becomes the title of many movies. That is the moment of closure for this whole experience. What do you see in movies and TV that get it right and what are the things that frustrate you about how they get it wrong about verdicts?

**Ken:** They get it right in terms of dramatically. They make it a good close to the story. In real life, you have appeals. You’ve got post-trial motions. Most times if you win a big civil jury award, the other side is gonna file a motion-

**Craig:** To reduce it.

**Ken:** … for a new trial, a motion to reduce it, a motion for judgment notwithstanding, blah blah blah blah blah.

**Craig:** Paperwork.

**Ken:** Yeah, there’s always a lot of paperwork. We see this with all the stuff in the news right now that Trump is going through, where there are these big judgments and now he’s posting bond so that he can appeal them without being collected on. Sentencing can often be quite dramatic. Usually, that does not happen at the time of the verdict. It’s another time. That could be a good moment for drama.

It’s certainly stomach-wrenching when you’re the defense attorney standing next to your client who’s gonna find out how long they’re gonna be in jail, and when you worry about what your client’s about to say, because one dramatic part about sentencing is that they always ask the client – the client has a right to allocate, to say something. This is an absolutely terrifying, piss in your pants moment for the defense attorney, because clients, no matter what, if they’ve been convicted, they feel it’s unfair. And if they express that, it goes badly.

I’ve seen clients, even though they were exquisitely prepared, go from probably they were gonna do community service to jail, by talking about what a victim they are in all of this. Client in that moment can make it much worse. You really have to sit on them and make them not express how they’re feeling, because how they’re feeling is a victim.

**John:** But I want to be clear here. If they were to confess to the crime or admit guilt in that moment, that is evidence that can be used against them in any sort of future appeal. They obviously don’t want to say, “I did it, but just be merciful on me.”

**Ken:** It wouldn’t be used against them in an appeal. The problem is more if they demonstrate lack of contrition or if they make their image in the judge’s eyes worse. If you’ve pled guilty in particular, you don’t want to get up there and suggest you don’t think you really did anything wrong, because you pled guilty. Like we saw recently, Sam Bankman-Fried’s sentencing, the judge found him very not remorseful, because of his personality and the way he talks, and that probably contributed somewhat to the sentence.

**John:** Ken, as we wrap up here, are there any other aspects of law as portrayed on film and television that we haven’t talked, that you want to make sure that our listeners, who are mostly writers, are aware of?

**Ken:** Sure. Entertainment gets some things right. Trial lawyers, criminal lawyers, terrible divorce rates, lots of alcoholism, lots of drug abuse, lots of mental health problems, suicide rate that looks like a Latvian phone number, it’s all really terrible, and it’s a high-stress job. So when entertainment portrays people as suffering through it, that’s actually fairly accurate. They are. There are people out there who are just unflappable and seem to have no problems getting through it. I always suspect they’re just in their office sucking off some huge bong to be that mellow going through this, because-

**Craig:** Or killing cats.

**Ken:** … it’s incredibly stressful. That part gets right. Gets wrong” objections. Objections are a big part of most legal TV shows and some movies. I would be almost happier if you didn’t even try, unless you have a lawyer actually tell you what a real objection is or not, because that’s another thing that takes me way out is when it’s a completely stupid nonsense objection and the response is completely nonsense. I would say it would be worth it to ask a lawyer about the objections. You could still make them dramatic. You could make good ones. But some ones, every lawyer watching is gonna go, “Oh, Jesus Christ.” And then my wife says, “Shut up. Shut up.”

**Craig:** I’ve heard her say that.

**John:** Ken, thank you so much for all this legal stuff. Let’s get to our One Cool Things. Craig, you have a One Cool Thing here I see in the Workflowy.

**Craig:** Yeah, this is really in honor of you, Ken. There is a category of videos that every now and then, when I’m feeling a little sad, I turn on and watch, because, god, it makes me feel great. There’s hundreds of them compiled all for your enjoyment. Just google “sovereign citizens getting owned.” It is so much fun. Are you familiar with this, John?

**John:** I have no idea what this is.

**Craig:** Sovereign citizens are dipshits who subscribe to a theory that they aren’t really people under the law, that the United States as currently constituted is some sort of admiralty or maritime law thing, that they aren’t really a person but a corporation. It’s endless reams of nonsense. Inevitably, they will get pulled over for speeding or their tags are expired or they’re in court for a misdemeanor, a traffic problem, or something more serious, and they begin this nonsense talk. It goes so bad for them so quick every single time. There are people who sovereign citizened their way into like, this cop was gonna give you a $25 parking ticket and now you’re tazed and you’re going to jail. They’re so stupid. Apparently, the one thing about sovereign citizens is they don’t watch these videos, because if they did, they would stop it. Anyway, if you want to see people representing themselves pro se, being idiots, saying nonsense, having judges roll their eyes and go, “I literally don’t know what you’re talking about,” just go ahead and google “sovereign citizens getting owned.” It’s a joy.

**Ken:** I’ll echo that.

**John:** Excellent.

**Ken:** Sovereign citizens, you have to think of them as really, really committed legal furries. They’ve got this persona. They’ve got the costume. They’ve got the lingo. They’re super into it, no matter what consequence it has on living their lives.

**Craig:** They’re so into it. They think they know the law. You’re seeing somebody reading this, and you’re like, “What?” They like Latin.

**John:** Of course.

**Craig:** They love Latin, but they don’t know why. It’s wonderful.

**John:** It’s excellent stuff. My One Cool Thing is something that was very useful for me this past week. It’s called LibreOffice. It’s a multi-platform app you can find for Windows, for Mac, for everything else, that I would never actually use as a word processor. You could use it as a word processor. But it could just open anything. You can throw any old file type at it, and it seems to be able to open it. I have these old, right now, files for pitches that I did in the ’90s, and it’s the only thing I could find that could open it, but it opens it beautifully. I discovered like, “Oh, that’s right, this is one I was pitching on Highlander in the ’90s.” I can now pull up that old Highlander pitch.

**Craig:** You can finally read that thing. Can we do some research? I feel like LibreOffice was one of my One Cool Things at some point a while ago.

**John:** It totally could be.

**Craig:** Dig it up. I’m so rarely ahead of the curve. It’s almost always that I say something, John’s like, “That was my One Cool Thing two years ago and you said it was stupid.”

**Ken:** Craig, my cohost doesn’t listen to me either, so this is-

**Craig:** Good company.

**John:** The book Less, you had recommended it, and then three years later I recommended it, and we found out it was great.

**Craig:** There you go. Every now and again.

**John:** LibreOffice, I would never actually use it as my main word processor.

**Craig:** I do remember something like that being an open-source thing, just because Microsoft Word is so goddamn annoying. I do have a bunch of old files. I don’t even know what they are at this point.

**John:** Exactly. I throw it on and see if it happens. The thing I’m probably most frustrated, I used to use Movie Magic Screenwriter, and that’s actually a binary format.

**Craig:** It’s dead.

**John:** It’s dead, hard to open.

**Craig:** Gone.

**John:** Ken, do you have a One Cool Thing to share with us?

**Ken:** I do. Obviously, your listeners are podcast fans. I’m a huge history podcast buff. I love them, particularly when I’m commuting or on trips or things like that. I’ve just been having a blast with a podcast The Rest is History. It’s two British historians, one of them named Tom Holland, not the Spider-Man one, the other one, and the other one named Dominic Sandbrook. They have a real great rapport and chemistry. They are really knowledgeable of a wide variety of things. They delve into a huge range of different historical things. Each podcast is maybe a half an hour, 40 minutes long, perfect for a commute. Sometimes they do deep dives that are multiple episodes about something, like the background of the Titanic or JFK assassination or whatever. But they have a real love for the subject. They have a great way of conveying the similarities between these people in history and us and seeing the common threads.

They’re great at conveying how the values of historians that have told us about this stuff, how those impact how the story gets told and why you have to discount some things, because you can’t listen to the Greeks talk about the Persians, because they have all these stereotypes and that overrides everything. Stuff like that. I find it endlessly entertaining. They’ve got a huge back catalog. I’ve been listening to this nonstop on commutes for six months and enjoyed every minute of it.

**John:** Absolutely. While our listeners are adding podcasts to their players, they should also be adding Serious Trouble, the podcast you do with Josh Barro. Is it every week?

**Ken:** It’s 45 weeks a year, roughly.

**John:** That sounds good. I find it just terrific. It’s Ken talking through the cases of the day, which has been phenomenal. I’ve learned so much on your podcast.

**Ken:** Thank you.

**John:** Everyone take a listen to that.

**Ken:** Thank you.

**John:** That is our show for this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt. It’s edited by Matthew Chilelli. Outro this week is by Lou Stone Borenstein. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions. You will find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. Also where you’ll find the transcripts and sign up for our weekly newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. We have T-shirts and hoodies. They’re great. You’ll find them at Cotton Bureau. You can sign up to become a Premium Member at scriptnotes.net to get all the back-episodes and Bonus Segments, like the one we’re about to record on beach vacations. Ken White, an absolute pleasure having you on the show.

**Ken:** It was a joy to come. Thank you so much.

**Craig:** Thanks, Ken.

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** Craig, so let’s pretend that you’ve finished delivering Season 2 of The Last of Us, and now you can take a vacation. You can go to Mexico and sit on a beach for a week. Is that something you’re aspiring to?

**Craig:** Absolutely not. Let me count the reasons why. First of all, sitting outside under the sun, which some people really seem to like to do, is simply getting radiated. That’s what you’re doing. Everyone’s terrified of radiation. Fukushima happened. People in California were like, “Don’t eat fish anymore. It’s coming.” I’m like, the ocean is swallowing up this amount of radiation. It will never reach you. But you are gonna get radiated when you get in a plane and fly to San Francisco, and you will absolutely get radiated if you sit outside. That’s what sunburning and suntanning is. It’s a response to radiation. A, no.

B, sand. Much like Anakin and whatever, I hate sand. It’s coarse. It gets everywhere. It’s annoying. The ocean is disgusting. It stinks.

**John:** It’s a fish toilet.

**Craig:** It’s a fish toilet. I’ve been scuba diving in the ocean ocean. That’s wonderful. But where the ocean hits the land, gross. Sewage. A lot of just garbage and plants. There’s little tiny crabs that pinch at you. It’s nasty.

D, four, the other people who are at the beach are horrible, because they’re beach people. They’re all like, “I gotta get there and I gotta put my blanket down,” a blanket which turns into a weird loincloth within seconds on the sand, so there’s no reason to be there at all. Everyone smells like that gross suntan lotion, which is just offensive. People are drinking for some reason at the beach, so now they’re being radiated while they’re getting drunk. Beach food is gross. Beach music is awful. That stupid fricking country/Caribbean Bahama Jimmy Buffett nonsense, horrible. Other than that, great day.

**Ken:** John, are you with me that that’s pretty much exactly what you expected if someone asked you what is Craig Mazin gonna say about whether he likes the beach?

**John:** Will Craig have a prepared rant about beach vacations?

**Craig:** Oh, no, it was not prepared.

**John:** But we can predict it.

**Craig:** I assure you that was entirely off the cuff. I just went through my mental library and put myself on the beach and then started to complain.

**John:** Absolutely. Ken White, a beach vacation or let’s say any sort of poolside vacation, so we can get rid of the sand and some of the other objects.

**Craig:** Oh, pools.

**John:** Ken, talk us through that. Appealing or not appealing?

**Ken:** It’s appealing to me, mixed with other things. I like vacations where we’re doing some stuff but there is at least some lounging and drinking and relaxing. My wife increasingly is not happy unless she has climbed at least one mountain a day. This is a point of contention with us.

**Craig:** Huge problem.

**Ken:** It’s true that I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t just lie around for seven days. I go crazy. I like a good vacation with a mix, some of which is drinking things I shouldn’t, eating things I shouldn’t, while lying on a hammock and reading or watching terrible things.

**Craig:** Now, a hammock, that’s not at the beach. I get the idea of being in the shade or being in a hotel room or a spa even. Look, I have a lot of core shame issues, so if I’m not working, I feel like I’ve done something terribly wrong. Also, I think HBO needs me to keep working, so they think I’m doing something terribly wrong. But I get the concept of vacations. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just the beach. You don’t like the beach?

**John:** I don’t like the beach at all. I’m the palest person on earth. All of the objections you’ve raised, I have raised as well. One of my actual biggest phobias is being trapped somewhere like in the beach or in Santa Monica without a hat.

**Craig:** Oh, god. You know and I know and Ken knows, but Drew don’t know. Maybe one day, Drew, if you’re lucky, you’ll know. It’s the worst. My head will start burning. I also get this thing. Do you guys get this when you go to a restaurant and they’re like, “Let’s go outside.”

**John:** The heat lamp.

**Craig:** The heat lamp. No, you’re not, because my head will burn.

**John:** Sizzle.

**Craig:** They don’t get it.

**John:** They don’t get it.

**Craig:** A lovely woman with this beautiful head of hair is like, “What’s the problem?”

**Ken:** I think the hair issues are a whole other episode.

**Craig:** We need to talk about being bald.

**John:** I think we’ve talked about it some.

**Craig:** More.

**John:** More.

**Craig:** More.

**John:** More bald. I’m not good with just the chill-out vacation, where you go to a place and you sit, you don’t do anything. I do need a certain minimum number of activities. That’s why sitting poolside, even if I’m in the shade, I can only read my book for so long. At a certain point, if I’m just reading a book or playing Hearthstone on my iPad, why am I not at home?

**Craig:** Why are you spending all this money? If I could go to a place where there’s a beautiful resort, lovely room – we’re married. We’ve all been married for a long time. Not you, Drew, but one day. Just having sex in a different place is nice, for a change. There are great dinners and things. But then also you could go play D&D or you could go solve puzzles or you could go do the things that other people like to do. I don’t know what those things are. But if I could just do the things I like to do while also on vacation and getting all these lovely services around me, that would be great. But I can’t. Instead, what happens is you go on vacation and you have to walk around, go to a museum, take picture and take picture.

**John:** Gotta prove you were there.

**Craig:** So many goddamn pictures. For what?

**Ken:** Then there’s the whole issue of traveling with kids, which is a very different experience.

**Craig:** Thank god ours are grown.

**Ken:** Kids are assholes. Depending on what age they are, different types of assholes.

**Craig:** I love them, but yes.

**John:** The closest I came to enjoying a chill-out vacation I would say actually was in Hawaii at the Aulani, the Disney resort there, because if you go there with a young kid, you can drop them off at the kid play area and just like, “Bye. I’ll see you in six hours.” That was actually [crosstalk 01:16:39].

**Craig:** Very expensive, very effective babysitter.

**Ken:** See, that is the only thing that would ever get me on a cruise, the concept that you can just leave them with some-

**Craig:** Oh, god.

**Ken:** … group of ne’er-do-wells who like-

**Craig:** I would send them on the cruise. I finally got – and this is a hard thing for Melissa, but she got there with me. We would go on vacation with the kids. Especially if we went somewhere where the time zone shifted dramatically, let’s say it’s Europe, they’re tired, they’re cranky. They don’t want to do the list of – because Melissa’s very much a guidebook, do the list of the things. I’m more like a, let’s just randomly walk around and see what happens. The kids were like, “I don’t want to leave my room,” or, “I just want to be on my computer, my iPad,” whatever. It would drive her nuts. My whole thing was, fine. If you want to stay in your room and do nothing, I would gladly pay for that, for the privilege of being able to walk around with my wife somewhere and not listen to your nonsense. I’d pay double.

Finally, we went on a vacation, the last time we went on a vacation, all four of us, to Europe – it was a couple of Christmases ago – I was just like, “Just leave them in the room.” And it worked great. It was awesome. It was amazing. Leave them in the room. That’s my advice.

**John:** I’ve never taken a cruise, but I’m considering taking, because as we’ve established, I’m bad on boats, and I have the same motion sickness problems you have, so I’m gonna be testing out the motion sickness stuff, because my extended family is talking about doing an Alaska cruise. That’s actually an exceptional make, because it’s difficult to visit some of those places in Alaska by land. On a boat there, that makes sense.

**Craig:** Those boats aren’t gonna rock you too hard, but the patch.

**John:** The patch.

**Craig:** Problem solved. You will not have the sickness problem.

**John:** Ken, a cruise, yes or no? Thumbs up, thumbs down?

**Ken:** There has been talk about doing an Alaska cruise, and seeing something that amazing might get me on the boat. I’m not a fan of legionnaire’s disease, but I might risk it for those purposes. The problem is, again, we’re at the point where my lovely wife, Katrina, is such a hiking badass that probably is gonna be – we’re gonna cruise to this new location, and when I wake up, she says, “Okay, we’re walking 12 miles straight up a peak called Hiker’s Doom.” “Okay. That sounds like fun.” I’d be a little worried about surviving it.

**Craig:** I think you’ll be too busy having diarrhea in a cabin that’s eight feet by four feet.

**John:** Yes, that.

**Craig:** That’s what cruises are to me. I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever go on a cruise. Ever.

**Ken:** Oh, but I have just the one for you, Craig, because there’s this Australian billionaire who just announced that he’s doing a complete replica of the Titanic.

**Craig:** Oh, great.

**Ken:** It’s gonna be an anti-woke Titanic. No vaccinated people.

**Craig:** Wait. Sorry.

**Ken:** No vaccinated people.

**Craig:** Sorry. I love this anti-woke Titanic. First of all, I love the idea that the original Titanic was kind of woke, because it allowed, what, the Irish on board. But I like that you compare the inevitable rotavirus with a total lack of vaccination and proximity to people who would be attracted to something called the anti-woke Titanic, a boat that sank.

**Ken:** I think you have a real shot at getting smallpox to come back with one of those, so I think it’s worth a try.

**Craig:** If anything were to ever get me on Team Iceberg, I think we’ve found it.

**John:** Craig and Ken, thank you so much for a fun episode. I will see you both and D&D tonight.

**Craig:** Thanks, guys.

**Ken:** See you later. Bye.

**John:** Bye.

Links:

* Ken White on [BlueSky](https://bsky.app/profile/kenwhite.bsky.social), [Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/people/Popehat/100057614584451/) and [Threads](https://www.threads.net/@kenpopehat)
* [Serious Trouble podcast](https://www.serioustrouble.show/podcast)
* [The Popehat Report](https://www.popehat.com/) by Ken White
* [Hello, My Name Is Stephen Glass, and I’m Sorry](https://newrepublic.com/article/120145/stephen-glass-new-republic-scandal-still-haunts-his-law-career) by Hanna Rosin for The New Republic
* [LibreOffice](https://www.libreoffice.org)
* [Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82JqvIozLk4)
* [The Rest is History podcast](https://therestishistory.supportingcast.fm/)
* [Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!](https://cottonbureau.com/people/scriptnotes-podcast)
* [Check out the Inneresting Newsletter](https://inneresting.substack.com/)
* [Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/gifts) or [treat yourself to a premium subscription!](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/)
* Craig Mazin on [Threads](https://www.threads.net/@clmazin) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/clmazin/)
* John August on [Threads](https://www.threads.net/@johnaugust), [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/johnaugust/?hl=en) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/johnaugust)
* [John on Mastodon](https://mastodon.art/@johnaugust)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Lou Stone Borenstein ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/638standard.mp3).

« Previous Page
Next Page »

Primary Sidebar

Newsletter

Inneresting Logo A Quote-Unquote Newsletter about Writing
Read Now

Explore

Projects

  • Aladdin (1)
  • Arlo Finch (27)
  • Big Fish (88)
  • Birdigo (2)
  • Charlie (39)
  • Charlie's Angels (16)
  • Chosen (2)
  • Corpse Bride (9)
  • Dead Projects (18)
  • Frankenweenie (10)
  • Go (30)
  • Karateka (4)
  • Monsterpocalypse (3)
  • One Hit Kill (6)
  • Ops (6)
  • Preacher (2)
  • Prince of Persia (13)
  • Shazam (6)
  • Snake People (6)
  • Tarzan (5)
  • The Nines (118)
  • The Remnants (12)
  • The Variant (22)

Apps

  • Bronson (14)
  • FDX Reader (11)
  • Fountain (32)
  • Highland (73)
  • Less IMDb (4)
  • Weekend Read (64)

Recommended Reading

  • First Person (88)
  • Geek Alert (151)
  • WGA (162)
  • Workspace (19)

Screenwriting Q&A

  • Adaptation (66)
  • Directors (90)
  • Education (49)
  • Film Industry (492)
  • Formatting (130)
  • Genres (90)
  • Glossary (6)
  • Pitches (29)
  • Producers (59)
  • Psych 101 (119)
  • Rights and Copyright (96)
  • So-Called Experts (47)
  • Story and Plot (170)
  • Television (165)
  • Treatments (21)
  • Words on the page (238)
  • Writing Process (178)

More screenwriting Q&A at screenwriting.io

© 2025 John August — All Rights Reserved.