John August

In a [controversial new feature](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/rain-on-parade), I answer questions submitted to Walter Scott’s Personality Parade®. Today’s column comes from [December 24, 2006](http://www.parade.com/articles/editions/2006/edition_12-24-2006/Personality_Parade).

**After PARADE’s cover story on Carrie Underwood, she won Female Vocalist of the Year and Best Breakthrough Artist at the Country Music Association awards. Has anyone ever won both before?—Allen Cook, Seattle, Wash.**

Not only is Carrie’s award unprecedented, it’s uninteresting. So instead, let’s take the next two or three sentences to ponder why you’re wasting Mr. Scott’s time with a question that can so easily be answered online. Are you in prison, Allen? Lonely? Suicidal? If you’re going to “Let Jesus Take the Wheel,” I hope he doesn’t steer you into oncoming traffic. Walter Scott cares about you, and so do I.

**Is Tom Hanks still set to star in a film version of the sci-fi classic Stranger in a Strange Land?—Steve Dimeo, Hillsboro, Ore.**

This is a genuinely valid question. Hanks’s name has been associated with this project for years, though he is too old to play the lead character (Valentine Michael Smith). He could conceivably play one of the other key roles. Unfortunately, I have nothing mean or snarky to say about Hanks. That’s why I’m glad that the next question is…

**Has dancer Cris Judd, Jennifer Lopez’s second husband, recovered careerwise from being dumped?—Jan Cooper, Denver, Colo.**

Jan, Jan. Please keep up. Jennifer Lopez is on husband number three: Marc Anthony, who was (kinda) famous before he married her. Before that, she dated Ben Affleck, who is an actual star. Cris Judd, on the other hand, was a dancer, or choreographer or somesuch. While marrying Lopez might have helped his career, divorcing her certainly didn’t hurt it. Please remember: This is a column about celebrities. Cris Judd no longer counts.

**You profiled Indy star Danica Patrick. How about info on drag racer Melanie Troxel?—J. Manning, San Bernardino, Calif.**

923 E Westfield Blvd, Indianapolis, IN 46220. She keeps a spare key hidden in the geraniums. Don’t worry about the dog — he’s friendly.

**I just rented the animated film South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut. What does Brian Boitano think of its song “What Would Brian Boitano Do?”—D. Hall, Mexia, Tex.**

What Would Walter Scott Do? Perhaps ignore your question about a song featured in a movie that came out ten years ago.

**President Bush and Nancy Pelosi, the next Speaker of the House, vowed to get along. What odds do you give them for bipartisan cooperation?—W.P. Dunn, Denver, Colo.**

See, this is the kind of question that readers should be sending to Walter Scott: short, open-ended, and completely unrelated to celebrity chatter. Oh, and the answer? 4:3.

**Have Angela Bassett and Courtney B. Vance taken a hiatus from acting since having twins?—J. Graham, Buffalo, N.Y.**

They live in my neighborhood, so I’ll ask them next time I see them pushing the tandem stroller or beating their fists on the ground wailing, “Why!? Why are we not getting roles worthy of our talent!?”

**A question about my favorite film, Casablanca: Did Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman continue their onscreen affair off-camera?—Mary Taylor, Sioux City, Iowa**

Actors will deny it, but what you see in the movies — that’s all real. If it looks like they love each other, they really do. And the sex scenes are never simulated.

**In your opinion, why has Aaron Sorkin’s Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip not been a bigger hit?—Charlotte T., Atlanta, Ga.**

Again, great question because you’re asking for an opinion as opposed to a fact or interesting anecdote. So here’s my opinion: Viewers avoid shows with numbers in the title, because they’re afraid they’ll have to do math.