John August

Awards

Saturn Award nomination

Awards, Projects, The Nines

[Matt Venne](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1107639/) emailed me this morning to point out something I would have otherwise missed: The Nines just got a [Saturn Award nomination](http://www.saturnawards.org/nominations.html) for its DVD.

It’s a cliché to say, “It’s an honor just to be nominated,” but really, it is. And surprising, too. The Nines isn’t an obvious choice at all.

The Saturn Awards are all about science fiction, and while The Nines ultimately fits in that category, the viewer doesn’t really understand why until the last 10 minutes. When we were doing press for the movie, I called it “stealth sci-fi.” Hearing the logline, you wouldn’t guess it goes into [Star Trek](http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Remember_Me) territory. (I’m spoiling very little to say it does.)

So, my thanks to the nominators, who obviously did watch it and get it.

And I barely know who she is now

Awards, Big Fish, Projects

At the Grammy Awards last night, my friend Jen pointed to presenter [Miley Ray Cyrus](http://imdb.com/name/nm1415323/) and said, “You know she was in Big Fish, right?”

I insisted that was impossible, and immediately tried to pull up IMDb on my iPhone in order to prove her wrong. But the network inside Staples Center was massively overwhelmed, likely with other iPhone users trying to distract themselves from Aretha Franklin’s dress. Well, not so much her dress as her shoulders, which weren’t adequately contained within said dress. The fact that the two acts I was most eager to see — Foo Fighters and Amy Winehouse — were performing from other locations added an extra level of frustration. I got to see Amy Winehouse! On a TV! With a few thousand other folks! I would have live-blogged it, except there was no connection.

Checking later, it turns out my friend was absolutely right: Miley played Ruthie in Big Fish, one of the kids who spies on the witch. Only her credited name was Destiny, which seems an appropriate beginning to her later career as Hannah Montana, #1 movie star in America.

You know who else made her American debut in Big Fish? Marion Cotillard, who’s nominated for an Oscar this year for Ma La Vie En Rose.

So, my advice to a young actress? Be in Big Fish.

Life is now worth living

Awards, Meta

[award](http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/awards/2007_editors_awards_for_online_excellence.php)In a bold choice that shocked, well, me, [The Morning News](http://www.themorningnews.org/) gave this very site one of its [2007 Editors’ Awards for Online Excellence](http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/awards/2007_editors_awards_for_online_excellence.php), which is pretty cool considering it’s a damn screenwriting blog.

The other award-winners are more deserving quite interesting, and worth a click-through. I’m particularly enamored by Mindy Kaling’s awesome [Things I’ve Bought That I Love](http://mindyephron.blogspot.com/). Not that I really need to know about the best elixir for whiteheads and why they’re a unique challenge for Indian women. It’s just very funny, particularly if you read it in her Kelly Kapoor voice.

Blingons and despair

Awards, Challenge, Follow Up

[scene challenge]Measured by the number of entries, the first-ever [John August Scene Challenge](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/masturbating-to-star-trek) was a surprising success. In terms of quality, well, there was a disappointing sameness that I’m going to blame on the limited nature of the assignment.

Many entries were just a slightly-better version of the existing scene. While a lot of rewriting is polishing and optimizing, a challenge like this one should be seen as a call to arms. Fortune favors the bold, because really, what have you got to lose trying an outlandish approach? It’s not like you’re going to get voted off.Why hasn’t there been a competitive reality show about screenwriting? Oh, that’s right, because it would be incredibly boring.

That’s why I’m handing first place to Liz ([#57](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/masturbating-to-star-trek#comment-52995)), who went in a vastly different direction with the scene. It’s not perfect, but it’s disturbing in an interesting way, which counts for a lot. It’s like American Pie as remade by Lars Von Trier.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Lying in a hospital bed is all that remains of Shane, 19, former college athlete. A chart at the foot of his bed lists his diagnosis as bacterial meningitis, and chronicles a horrifying list of failed treatments and emergency surgeries he has undergone since his admission three days ago. Both his legs and his left arm are now amputated, bandaged-wrapped stumps.

Shane lies in bed, staring off into space. In the background, a television set bolted to the wall is playing an old episode of Star Trek. Shane begins to focus in on the television. The vacant expression on his face is slowly replaced by one of annoyance.

SCOTTY

I cannae do it, Captain! Not in three hours!

KIRK

We need that warp drive, Mr. Scott, and we need it now!

Shane’s eyes drift to where the remote control is located, on a small table to the left of his hospital bed. He moves his left arm-stump, attempting to get at it, but can’t.

SCOTTY

But sir, it’s impossible! You cannae change the laws of physics!

Making an heroic effort, Shane reaches across his body with his good right arm, and attempts to grab the remote. Unfortunately his effort knocks it on the floor. Shane slumps back on his pillow, staring at the ceiling and trying not to cry. He makes a concerted effort to think about something else. Meanwhile, the Star Trek has moved on to a scene with Kirk and a beautiful alien. Shane doesn’t want to watch, but can’t help it. There’s nothing he can do about it.

A quirky expression crosses Shane’s face as he suddenly realizes there may yet be something fun within his reach. He steals a glance around the room. An elderly man on a respirator is asleep in the next bed, but there are no nurses in sight. With his remaining good hand, Shane reaches underneath his sheets, and begins quietly pleasuring himself. He closes his eyes, enjoying it.

SAM

Shane!

Shane’s eyes pop open to see DUSTIN(19) and SAM(20) standing over his hospital bed, aghast.

DUSTIN

Oh my God.

SHANE

(embarrassed)

Guys! Uh, this isn’t as bad as it looks.

Sam and Dustin are speechless.

DUSTIN

Dude... That’s quite possibly the bravest thing I think I’ve ever heard anyone say.

SHANE

What?

SAM

You’re cut to pieces and you nearly died, and it’s not as bad as it looks?

SHANE

Oh... No, I mean, I wasn’t just, uh, whackin’ it to Star Trek... That’s just what’s on... The remote’s on the floor there...

SAM

(not knowing whether to laugh or cry)

Jesus.

A beat.

DUSTIN

It’s good to know you still got all the important parts.

SHANE

Guess I’m just lucky that way.

SAM

Dude, you could totally get a job as a sperm donor. I heard they pay fifty bucks a load!

SHANE

Oh yeah? I’m there, man.

Shane’s false bravado is slipping, and he barely gets out the previous line. He turns his head away from his buddies, and rubs his eyes against his left shoulder-stump.

DUSTIN

(glaring at Sam accusingly, but speaking to Shane)

We’ll come by later. We should let you get some rest.

SHANE

(still not looking at them as Dustin hurries Sam out)

Thanks, guys.

Alone again, with his masturbating success now overshadowed by the bleakness of his future prospects, Shane weeps silently, tears running down his cheeks and pooling on the bed.

Of the more conventional entries, my favorite was probably by Eric Szyszka ([#18](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/masturbating-to-star-trek#comment-52758)), who recognized that since the audience fully expects Shane to get caught whacking off, the real opportunity comes in reaching for unexpected references. In this case, Blingons.

INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

SHANE, 20’s, sits in front of his laptop. Circles encase his sleep-deprived eyes as he types away at his keyboard. A TV set blares in the background; he ignores it.

“Term paper” rests in the upper left-hand corner of the page.

Shane checks the time 6:30 AM. Early sunlight peeks through the window.

He suddenly gets a pop-up ad. A nude woman.

His brow raises and he clicks it.

ON SCREEN

A small chested woman.

SHANE

Mm, not bad. Not really my-

Shane stops in his tracks as he leers up to the TV.

ON TELEVISION

MARINA SIRTIS, portraying Counselor Deanna Troi in a low-cut top, is featured prominently in the shot.

Shane’s lips curl in delight. He starts to masturbate.

ON TELEVISION

LIEUTENANT WORF enters the scene.

Shane suddenly jumps back and grabs his remote.

SHANE

Thank god for TiVo.

He rewinds the scene.

Shane resumes.

DUSTIN, 20’s, Shane’s roommate, abruptly enters the room.

DUSTIN

You wouldn’t believe where I woke up this morning! Do you remember Cynthia?

ON TELEVISION

Lieutenant Worf enters the scene, just as before.

Dustin notices Shane.

DUSTIN

Jesus Christ, dude!

Shane quickly covers himself.

SHANE

Don’t you fucking knock?

DUSTIN

It’s my room too, dick. Wait a second, you jerk off to Blingons?

SHANE

NO!

(beat)

What the fuck is a Blingon?

DUSTIN

Black Klingon.

SHANE

Bling? That’s so wrong.

DUSTIN

Uh, no. B is for black, racist, not “black men wear jewelry.”

(beat)

This is too good not to wake Sam over.

Dustin bangs on the wall.

DUSTIN

Hey, Sam! Shane’s beats it to Blingons.

SAM (O.S.)

WHAT?

Sam staggers in; half asleep.

SAM

Dude, you like Michael Dorn?

SHANE

No, you fucking assholes. Okay, I was jerking off, you caught me. But I wasn’t doing it to Klingon or Blingons or whatever, okay? This is what I was jerking off to.

Shane rewinds the episode too far.

ON TELEVISION

The TiVo freezes on a frame of WESLEY CRUSHER – A 15 year old boy.

SAM

And goodnight.

Sam exits.

SHANE

No! It wasn’t-

Dustin starts to leave.

DUSTIN

I’m putting in a housing transfer.

I’m impressed by all the readers who took the time to enter.Yes, I did read the ones that came in late, or got eaten by the virtual dog. Notably, nearly every scene was better than original, which should give Shane plenty of ammunition to say, “Suck it, Sam.” I fully plan to do this again with a bit more open-ended assignment.

Do you agree or disagree with my assessments? The comments section is your chance to stump for what you think should have won. Just keep in mind that campaigning for your own entry is lame, and will probably be exposed.