Masturbating to Star Trek
This isn’t really an imperative screenwriting question, and is something below your answering pay-grade, but…in fact it’s a petty squabble, though hopefully it’ll amuse you enough to intervene.
A few friends and I, on a lark and to make one another laugh, have been writing a script off and on, sometimes with it gaining more seriousness than other times. It starred us as us, writing a meta-movie which you would see coming together on-screen. But most of that involved our bickering and insults. And, well, art imitated life imitating art imitating — y’know. Now the argument devolves into whether or not we’re being needlessly mean puppeteers to one another.
Lately I’ve been coming back on one guy in particular, Sam, saying that I can dish and take whatever he writes as long as it’s good and funny. I’ve written three screenplays myself and I’m reasonably content with them, but, since I don’t have any objective validation for them (never sold any fiction writing, said friends are kinda dicks when it comes to helping others with their work), it’s hard for me to “lecture” to him certain screenplay “rules” (cohesiveness, economy, flow, momentum). Add to that, I can’t help but to continually tell Sam he’s a “shitty screenwriter,” which he takes the insane pejorative assumption that I’m calling him a shitty writer.
For example, here’s a scene from Sam’s latest draft, involving a 500 word scene about me masturbating to “Star Trek”:
- INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
- Shane crosses the room, turning on the television and throwing his keys down on a table or couch or something giving the illusion that he just came home. With the TV on, Shane walks over to his computer. Still standing up, Shane starts to look at pornography. This could be shown with brief glimpses of nondescript nudity along with some sexual moaning noises. It should be clear that he’s looking at pornography.
- Shane looks over at the TV set, and then concentrates on the computer screen.
- Shane starts to masturbate. This should be done as classy as possible, with Shane keeping his boxers on or something, and the camera view either being a chest/body shot where we can see his arm fluctuating like mad, or from behind arm fluctuating like mad. Obviously no one wants to see Shane’s penis, but it should be clear he’s masturbating.
- ((If Shane’s comfortable with “kindergarten style” as in the way kindergartners use urinals, where the pull their pants all the way down to their feet and then tuck their shirts under their chin, sticking their mid section out. It’s almost a universally hilarious human position that has rarely been exploited.))
- We then hear the TV a bit clearer. It’s a star trek like show. Shane, hears it a few seconds after we do, and he slows his rhythm a little and looks over his shoulder at the television set, hesitating in his masturbation.
- Almost with a renewed sense of duty, Shane turns his head back to the computer and masturbates with more furious abandon than previously seen. He’s obviously trying to hurry up.
- The sound from the star trek TV show get a little more intense, maybe it’s a space battle or a battle down on some planet, either way we hear laser sounds and sound effects enough of a distraction that Shane turns his head again, slowing his pace.
- He stares for a moment, almost stopping, then as if jolting back to life, he turns back to the computer and begins pumping his manhood but, more of a regular pace, not as much vigor as before, more determined this time, less frantic.
- At this point, Shane needs to be looking back and forth from the computer screen to the television, keeping a steady pace regardless of where his eyes are at.
- Gradually, Shane spends longer time looking at the television and less time at the porn. He should make the transition to only looking at Star Trek on the television, possibly turning his body away from the computer screen and towards the TV, but still maintaining a fluid, steady masturbation motion.
- We still don’t want to see him actually masturbate, so the camera should be chest level, if we indeed do a shot from up close.
- He essentially is masturbating to Star Trek as the door to this room opens and Dustin wanders aimlessly in, followed by Sam.
- DUSTIN
- Hey-a Shane.
- SHANE
- Ah!
- SAM
- Hey Shane.
- DUSTIN
- Ah!
- SHANE
- Ah!
- SAM
- Ah!
- DUSTIN
- Ah!
- SHANE
- Ah!
- DUSTIN
- What the hell are you doing, Shane?
- SHANE
- Masturbating?
- SAM
- Were you just masturbating to Star Trek?
- SHANE
- No, I had it on but I was masturbating to this inoffensive porn on my computer why the fuck didn’t you guys knock?
- SAM
- Settle down there, Shane.
- SHANE
- (mocking voice)
- Were you just masturbating to Star Trek? No, I wasn’t just masturbating to Star Trek! You have no right to come in here, in my house and just start accusing me of things I’m not doing!
- DUSTIN
- Were you going to time it so you came when the crew beamed back to the ship?
- SHANE
- Get the fuck out of here!
If you’ve read this far in the email, is there any chance you could help me? I can’t see you wanting to post something this long yourself (unless you want to make me an example of collaboration do-not’s, in which case I can’t say I don’t have it coming). But something as simple as “[Sam/Shane] is right, [Shane/Sam] is wrong” to post on my blog with WGA-writer certification would be great. You don’t even have to point out that his scene is based on a caught-jerkin’-it! joke that makes “Porky’s” cutting edge, or that he finally sticks it to those Trekkies who have for far too long gone on an unmocked free ride. Just something so I can say, “John August, screenwriter of ‘Go’ and ‘Big Fish,’ whose blog has been a featured screenwriting resource in the New York Times, says this could’ve been done in 30 words. So suck it, Sam.”
![[Scene Challenge]](http://johnaugust.com/Assets/scene_challenge.png)
Suck it, Sam.
This scene has the potential to be funny,1 but is undermined by very sloppy writing. This makes it the ideal candidate for the first-ever John August Scene Challenge.
Everyone can play. Here’s how it works.
- Rewrite the scene. You’re not limited to 30 words, but it shouldn’t take more than 200 to get to the dialogue. (Shane/Sam’s takes 490.)
- Post your entry in the comments.2 Don’t worry about the fancy formating. We’re friends here.
- All entries must be submitted by 8 a.m. PST on Wednesday, Feb. 28th., 2007. Remember that comments are sometimes held in moderation. Don’t submit twice. It will show up. Promise.
- I’ll pick a winner later that day.
- Winner receives bragging rights, which may be exchanged for a sense of self-worth.
Begin.
- Not hilarious, not genre-defining, but satisfactorily awkward to elicit laughs from people who like the American Pie movies but wish they could have incorporated more geek nostalgia. ↩
- Links to videotaped versions of the scene are also encouraged, though this is technically a screenwriting thing. ↩
Articles
February 26th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
How to improve this scene–
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
SCENE OMITTED
February 26th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
An unwatched television is playing Star Trek — the Ponn Farr episode, in which Spock returns to his homeworld to mate.
We come upon Shane, shirtless, lit by his computer monitor. He’s engaged in an erotic ritual of his own, scrolling through screenfuls of womanflesh until he comes upon a new site: Misty Meter Maids. This is worthy of unbuttoning his jeans.
He’s getting his rhythm going when he starts to notice the music on Star Trek has shifted. It’s become the “fight theme,” reserved for dramatic arena battles. And indeed, Spock is going after Kirk with a big ass weapon.
Sufficiently intrigued, Shane turns his attention to the TV, watching as Kirk battles his Vulcan friend. Shane continues idly wanking, occasionally looking back over his shoulder as the Meter Maids site loads up. It can wait.
Kirk is getting his ass handed to him by the pointy-eared greenblood. Shane rolls his chair over closer to the screen. Just as the fight is coming to it’s dramatic end…
A VOICE Dude!
It’s Sam and Josh. He didn’t hear them open the door.
Shane spins his chair away from them, praying they didn’t see that…
SAM You’re jacking off to Star Trek!
SHANE No!
SAM Yes. Yes, you are.
JOSH I knew it.
Shane tries to button up, but his erection won’t cooperate.
SHANE What? What did you know?
JOSH You’re totally gay for Kirk. It’s cool.
SHANE I am not gay for Kirk.
SAM Fine. Fine. I just didn’t peg you as a Spock man.
February 26th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shane sulks into the room and falls into his computer chair. The TV is faintly playing Star Trek. Three clicks of the mouse, a beat, then two more clicks. Shane leans back, turns to pop his back and settles well into the chair, hands off of the mouse. We can still hear Willaim Shatner’s voice in background. Suddenly, from the computer speakers, giggles and moaning. Shane looks excited, we hear the noise of a zipper…
Suddenly, DOOR OPENS. DUSTIN enters, SAM following behind.
DUSTIN Hey Sha-
STARTLED! Shane hurridly zips up and and closes the porn.
a beat.
DUSTIN (puzzled) What were you doing?
SHANE (embarrased) Well, I was… um.. I… (sigh) masturbating.
A beat. The only sound we hear is Shatner’s voice. Dustin notices the TV.
DUSTIN To Star Trek?
Sam laughs.
SHANE (defensive) No! Hell no! I was watching some hot lesbian shit on the computer!
DUSTIN Why are you being so defensive then, buddy?
SHANE I’m not being defensive! It’s a fucking retarded accusation! ‘Are you wacking it to Star Trek?’ of course I’m not fucking wacking it to fucking Star Trek, douchebag!
Sam is laughing harder than before.
DUSTIN Ok, ok, we were just going to ask if you wanted to grab something to eat. Obviously you’ve already grabbed something else.
SHANE Get out of here!
SAM (still laughing) Yeah Dustin, let’s leave before he beams up Scotty…
Shane jumps up from the chair. Dustin and Sam start running, laughing hysterically.
February 26th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM- NIGHT Shane enters and plops down on his laundry covered futon. He turns on his TV and begins flipping channels. A hot chick on Telemundo gets his attention. He grabs a tube of lotion and reaches down his pants. SHANE (TALKING WITH HIS HAND) La Bonita. Shane es Horny. Muy Y Tambien. As Shane’s Tijauana whore of a hand gets back to work Telemundo cuts to commercial. SHANE (CONT’D) Hasta la vista baby. Shane flips through the channels. Nothing is working for him. The TV arrives on an episode of Star Trek. SHANE (AS KIRK) (CONT’D) Captain’s log. No signs of life on this planet. Shane gets up and with his pants around his ankles he waddles over to his computer. He clicks the mouse a few times and some soft core porn comes on the screen. Shane starts up again. The door SWINGS open. Sam and Dustin enter. They look at Shane than at the TV. SAM What the fuck Shane? It’s not even Aurora. Shane looks up. Seeing his friends he BOLTS into the bathroom and SLAMS the door behind him. Dustin starts cracking up. SAM (SCOTTISH ACCENT) (CONT’D) There’s just not enough power captain! DUSTIN (IMITATING MOVIE) Shane! Shane! Come back!
February 26th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shane enters. He turns on the TV, a rerun of STAR TREK flicks to life. Shane smiles and crosses to his computer, with a coy smile as he carefully turns up the volume a woman moaning becomes audible – clearly porn. Shane bites his bottom lip and, as Star Trek cuts to commercial, his hand cuts to his pants. He starts to masturbate fiercly.
As the volume from Star Trek returns his attention becomes diverted to the television and away from the task at hand. Unable to spilt his focus he increases strokes to finish up before the climax of the show. As Shane’s about to beam up, his eyes go to the television just as Dustin and Sam enter.
February 26th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT . Shane drops his KEYS on the DESK, switches the COMPUTER on, reaches for a REMOTE, and switches the T.V. on. . ON T.V.: STAR TREK. Angry negotiations. Prosthetic brows. Then FLASHES of naked flesh — nipples, pubes — pale, poor frame rate — then a startled Klingon close-up. More FLASHES of PORN interspersed with SCI-FI VISION and OMINOUS SOUNDTRACK. . REVEAL… the COMPUTER SCREEN has the silent porn footage playing in an enlarged window. . Shane is on an office-style SWIVEL CHAIR facing the computer porn and ignoring the T.V. CLOTHES are strewn around the base of the chair as he blithely beats his meat. . On T.V., negotiations break down and battle breaks out. The louder, more violent, soundtrack makes Shane spin around in his chair to face the T.V. . He watches — his wrist slows but doesn’t stop — then he looks around to the neglected computer porn and slowly, almost grudgingly, turns his back on the space battle. . THE T.V. SOUND GETS LOUDER AND LOUDER, but Shane tries to block it out. His arm moves faster and faster, trying to build a good head of steam. Then he starts dividing his attention between T.V. and computer. Swivelling in his chair a bit, back and forth, breathing more heavily, faster and faster. It’s working. Everything gets faster, heavier, more furious, until – . [Dustin throws the door open and walks in the room.] . DUSTIN Hey Shane! . [Shane screams, topples his chair, and hits the floor hard.] . [Silence. Dustin just stares. Deadpan. Mostly at the T.V.] . DUSTIN (CONT’D) So… what are YOU doing, Shane? . SHANE (defensive) It’s a free country. What does it look like? . DUSTIN You’re jerking off to Klingons. . SHANE No… . DUSTIN (yells through open door) Sam! He’s jerking off to Klingons! . [Sam runs in, sees Shane naked beneath the upturned chair -- and instantly recoils in horror, shielding his eyes.] . SAM Jesus! (to Dustin) What the fuck are Klingons? . SHANE (condescending) Star Trek? . DUSTIN See? He admits it. . SHANE Fuck you. Ever heard of knocking? . DUSTIN Ever heard of pussy? Human pussy? . SHANE Yes! It’s on my computer! See! I was… . [They all look over at the computer. It’s now showing an animated screen-saver. It’s a Star Trek screen-saver.] . SAM Jesus. You get off on Star Trek? (becoming hysterical) YOU GET OFF ON STAR TREK? . DUSTIN Settle down there, Sam. . SHANE (explodes) Get the fuck out of my house! . DUSTIN Keep your shirt on, Captain Kirk. . SAM GET your shirt on. For the love of God. . [That makes Dustin laugh, which makes Sam laugh. Shane mirthlessly mocks their laughter, then starts gathering up his clothes.]
February 26th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shane, ever the fervent masturbator, congratulates himself on a hard day’s work by sitting himself down on the couch, his laptop teetering on the edge of his knees, his pants hastily shucked halfway down his thighs. Ignoring the chatter on the television, he focuses on what he came here for; porn. As the numerous lewd photos begin to load, Shane’s mind begins to play tricks on him. The 19-year-old on his screen begins to speak to him.
NUDE “TEEN” Shane! Oh, Shane! Is that all for me? I don’t think I could handle it all, baby, but let’s see if I give you a big —
Suddenly, the blaring opening theme to STAR TREK shocks Shane from his masturbatory session. Shane is a very big fan of the show.
SHANE Oh, man! I’m going to miss Star Trek?
Shane panics. He can’t decide whether to keep masturbating or whether to give up and watch his favorite show. Meanwhile, Captain Kirk is performing a monologue.
CAPTAIN KIRK This… ship is… unsavable. I don’t think we…. have… any choice…
The naked teen calls Shane away from the TV.
NUDE “TEEN” Shane…. Shane! Don’t you want me? Your little sugar honey?
Shane groans uncomfortably, wanting to masturbate quite badly, but sadly unable to keep his mind off Star Trek. He shuts his lap top. Before he can let go of himself, something unthinkable happens. Captain Kirk suddenlys morphs into a naked William Shatner.
NUDE SHATNER Ooh, yes. C’mon Shane, old pal. Do it for Billy. Do it for your big Billy boy!
Shane screams with horror, trying to get the imagine of William Shatner rubbing his nipples, out of his head. Dustin, carrying a bag of groceries while he is in a deep conversation with Sam, enters, and subsequently drops the bag on the ground.
SAM Dude… what the fuck?
Shane flips around. The TV idly continues with the episode. Shane looks at Dustin, then Sam, then his closed laptop, and finally the TV. It just had to be the scene with a shirtless Captain Kirk…
DUSTIN (pointing at the screen) Were you…?
SHANE No! It’s not what it looks like, I —
SAM Dude! You were jacking off to Star Trek? And I thought I was a geek…
SHANE I swear, I wasn’t jacking to Star Trek, I had my laptop open and then —
DUSTIN Yeah, yeah. We’ll just leave you and Mr. Shatner alone for a while.
SAM Grease me up, Scotty.
Shane blushes a deep crimson, as Dustin and Sam giggle uncontrollably, exiting the room. Dustin pops his head quickly back into the room.
DUSTIN Oh, Shane. If you’re going to go where no man has gone before… clean it up, okay?
Dustin exits once again, leaving Shane to his own humiliation.
(( Sorry. This is an incredibly unfunny scene. I apologise for wasting your time, John! ))
February 26th, 2007 at 6:57 pm
INT. SHANE’ BEDROOM – NIGHT
SHANE enters his room. Part of his shirt is untucked, his tie has been loosened, and his hair is disheveled. He turns on the TV and walks towards his computer.
Shane types for a bit and then stops. We see that he is on the Maxim webpage.
With his clothes still on, Shane moves his hand to his crotch and begins clutching and unclutching. He pauses for a minute, relaxes his shoulders, and looks over to the TV. Shane still has his hand on his crotch, but what’s on the TV is Star Trek.
Shane looks back at the computer, resumes masturbating through his trousers, but at a slightly faster pace. He again pauses to look at the TV. And then again he looks back to the computer with renewed intensity.
The door opens to reveal DUSTIN and SAM.
DUSTIN: Hey-a, Shane.
Shane pulls his hand away from his crotch and jerks his hips away from Dustin’s point of view. Shane makes eye contact, but quickly looks away.
DUSTIN: Were you jerking off?!
Shane remains silent
SAM: You were whacking it to Star Trek!
SHANE: (meekly) I was looking at Maxim. (a beat) (jokingly angry) Don’t you guys knock?
They all laugh.
February 26th, 2007 at 7:52 pm
INT. ROOM.
Shane has a bat over some porn, Shane enters.
Kevin Smithesque dialogue ensues.
FADE OUT.
February 26th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
SHANE enters, turns on the TV. Tosses his keys on the desk and types on the computer.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
Two naked lesbians writhe on a bed.
BACK TO SCENE
Shane reaches down, unzips his pants and starts to masturbate.
Star Trek plays on TV. He looks over at the TV and his rhythm slows. Shakes it and turns back to the computer, masturbating more furiously.
Laser sound effect emanate from the TV. Shane turns again–pace slowing. Stares at the TV, almost stopping. Jolts back to life and back to the computer. Begins pumping with more determination.
Masturbating at a steady pace, Shane looks back and forth from the computer screen to the TV.
Shane focuses on Star Trek–masturbating while watching.
DUSTIN wanders into the room, followed by SAM.
February 26th, 2007 at 8:11 pm
Resubmission (erggg… I know you said don’t submit twice, but I made a couple careless mistakes)
INT. BEDROOM – DAY
A buxom young woman in a low-cut blouse talks to an unseen man.
YOUNG WOMAN You want to see my fun bags?
SHANE (O.S.) Oh yeah.
The woman blows a kiss, but a farting sound comes out.
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
The sound is coming from Shane squirting lotion onto his hand. The young woman is on his computer screen. He takes his hand down to you-know-where.
He gets going quickly, biting his lower lip as that slapping sound goes louder, when suddenly from the TV comes…
CAPTAIN PICARD (O.S.) Space, the final frontier…
SHANE Oh, not now.
Shane looks back and forth between the TV and his computer.
The young woman is rubbing lotion on her breasts.
CAPTAIN PICARD (O.S.) To boldly go where no man has gone before.
Shane goes faster when suddenly…
Sam and Dustin walk into the room.
Shane tries to cover himself, but there’s no use.
Dustin looks at the TV.
DUSTIN Dude are you beatin’ off to the Trek?
SHANE For your information I happen to like watching TV in my most natural state. I can’t help it if Counselor Troi gets a rise out of me.
SAM Counselor Troi? Everyone knows Doctor Crusher is the resident hottie on Star Trek.
SHANE All right, get the fuck out. Now.
February 26th, 2007 at 9:07 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
SHANE (17) enters his room. He walks slowly and lazily towards his computer, sits down, turns it on with one hand, and grabs the remote and turns on the TV with the other.
He flips channels for a few seconds, until he catches an episode of “Star Trek: Enterprise”. He turns around, and begins typing on the computer.
We now MOVE until whe are looking at shane’s back, staring at his computer.
Suddenly, after a few mouse clicks, we hear the faint sound of a WOMAN moaning and a SHEEP grunting.
WOMAN (O.S.) Ooooh Mr. Loin Chomp, did you shave that for me?
Suddenly, Shane’s hands move towards his waist, we hear an UNZIPPING sound, and his pants go down to his ankles. Then, his right arm starts to move.
After a beat or two, the sound of a SPACE BATTLE muffles that of the computer, and Shane turns around. He looks at the TV, then back at his computer, every few seconds between each other. He doesn’t want to miss anything on any of the screens. His arm moves faster each second, so does his head.
Suddenly, he focuses his attention on the TV, but we can see that he is still pleasuring himself, faster and faster, his face now like a prune, he squints in pleasure more and more and…
The DOOR OPENS and SAM and DUSTIN (both 17) enter the room carelessly. After a few steps they quickly STOP and stare at shane, then at the TV, the sound of it still muffling the sheep-loving coming from the computer.
SAM What the..
SHANE (interrupting) GET OUT!! GET OUT!!!
DUSTIN Practicing your vulcan nerve pinch sir?
SHANE Damnit I swear..
Just as he says this, he tries to quickly get up from his chair, but his dropped pants cause him to lose balance and fall.
As he struggles to stand up and lift his pants, Dustin looks at the TV again.
DUSTIN Enterprise? You sick bastard. Phase II, The Next Generation, hell, even The Animated Series. But this?
SAM How do you say “pervert” in klingon?
Dustin Okeyyy… we’re gonna leave now. You keep beaming youself up.
Sam and Dustin turn around and head for the door.
SHANE No, wait, wait! It was bestiality, I swear! It was a sheep, come on!
Sam and Dustin don’t even turn around, they exit the room and close the door.
February 26th, 2007 at 9:18 pm
INT SHANES ROOM – NIGHT
Shane enters, pops open his laptop and clicks on the tv. Star Trek is on. The familiar valleys of Shatners over acting fill the room. Shane focuses on the porn on his computer and starts masturbating. Realizing his self abuse is quite loud, he turns he chair around and raises the volume on the tv. As he does this, dick firmly in other hand, DUSTIN enters unexpectedly.
Dude, everybody knows the chicks on Galatica are way hotter! I think it’s on now.
With that Dustin grabs the remote, clicks it over to Battlestar Galatica, unzips, drops trow, and sits down on the couch.
Shane is speechless.
February 26th, 2007 at 10:10 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – DAY
SHANE at his desk, JERKING OFF to internet porn. A muted TV in B.G. shows STAR TREK. Pull back to reveal — SAM AND DUSTIN in the door, watching.
SAM Dude, are you jerking off to Star Trek?
Shane SHRIEKS! Struggles to hide his boner, zip his pants and log off all at the same time.
SHANE What the hell are you doin here?!
DUSTIN What episode is that?
SAM I came to discuss the script, remember?
He brandishes a 500 page manuscript bound by THREE brads.
SHANE Get the hell out!
DUSTIN Damn, Uhura looks hot…
SAM First tell me why you told John this script is too long?
SHANE It’s five hundred pages, dude!
SAM Fivehundred and one with the title page.
SHANE What the fuck is he doing man?!
Dustin is now JERKING OFF to Star Trek.
DUSTIN Uhhhh….hura!
Dustin keeps masturbating unbashfully. ON TV Uhura is rubbing alien sludge on her naked legs. Shane and Sam swap a look – Fuck it! Their hands glide into their pants. All three are now JERKING OFF to Star Trek. Then… Commercial break!
SHANE/SAM/DUSTIN Oh maan! Noo! Fuck!
SHANE Time to get some work done, I guess.
He turns off the TV. The three guys huddle around the desk and bring up a popular screenwriting blog. As they stow away their manhoods we pull back to reveal –
HEATHER Are you guys jerking off to johnaugustdotcom?!
The three guys SHRIEK and we cut to:
BLACK.
February 26th, 2007 at 10:28 pm
INT. SHANE’S ROOM – DAY
Shane enters the room and tosses his knapsack onto the bed. He beelines to the computer and gives the mouse a good wiggle to knock off the ancient fish aquarium screen saver.
A few clicks later and a third generation Raven Riley is flashing her tatas from the monitor.
Shane drops his drawers and starts beating his seven inch manhood that’s undoubtedly five and three quarter inches in non-movieland.
After eighteen seconds of good friction, Shane gets distracted by the TELEVISION to his left. CAPTAIN KIRK is in the middle of a profound monologue–
CAPTAIN KIRK “… and when… I went to scratch my balls… I discovered… it was only a Tribble.�
Shane feels compelled to turn his attention to the TV. But just as he does…
… Dustin bursts into the room!
DUSTIN Holy shikeys!
SHANE What the fu–?
Dustin points incredulously at Shane’s PENIS, who we’ll call BIG TOP JIMMY.
DUSTIN Dude! Are you kirking off to Captain Jerk?
SHANE Yeah, so?
BIG TOP JIMMY (winking) Betta back yo ass up Dusty, befo I poke yo eye out.
DUSTIN Oh, Big Top – you’re so crazy!
The STUDIO AUDIENCE bursts into LAUGHTER.
February 26th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
The TV is on STAR TREK with the sound down. SHANE enters. He sits down in front of the computer with his back to the TV. He hits the mouse a few times until he comes across a porn website with a lot of ads for various straight and gay websites on the sides. He starts masturbating.
OS we hear SAM and DUSTIN walking up to his door. They knock.
SAM/DUSTIN (Opening the door) Hey, Shane, you up?/You awake man?
SHANE fumbles with his pants and the mouse, trying to clear the porn off the screen and get dressed simultaneously, and manages neither. However, unbeknownst to him he does click on a link to a gay porn site. Panicked, he spins around in his chair to face his friends with his pants undone.
SAM and DUSTIN look at him and then look at the TV.
DUSTIN Dude, were you just spanking it to Star Trek?
SHANE No, I —
SHANE starts to explain, but he notices that his monitor is filled with hot man on man action. He slowly turns back around to face his friends.
SHANE Yes.
February 26th, 2007 at 11:39 pm
INT. SHANE’S LOUNGEROOM – NIGHT
A mobile phone rings. Shane answers.
SHANE What do you want Dustin? No I’m not. I just got home, I’m tired and all I want to do is stay in and watch TV. I’m hanging up. Bye.
Shane switches the TV on and sits down on his couch. He undoes his right shoe and takes off his right sock. He undoes his belt then undoes his pants and after a zip he lowers them to the floor.
With his sock over his genitals he reaches for the remote and starts switching channels. He switches from one program to the next, finding each time asexual images.
Giving up, he closes his eyes and starts to put his sock to use.
Shane opens his eyes, his imagination has brought a lingerie clad Joan, from work, to pose for him. She moves in front of the TV Starring at Shane as she releases the straps of her negligee from off her shoulders.
Suddenly she looks past him.
JOAN What are you doing here?
Dustin and Sam stand directly behind Shane as star trek nears the climax of the episode. Joan has disappeared.
SHANE Sorry?
DUSTIN What are you doing?
Shane turns to see the horrified faces of his two friends. Sam covers his eyes as Shane reaches for his pants.
SHANE Get out.
SAM Where you masturbating to Star Trek?
Clutching at the front of his pants to hold them up, Shane backs into the corner.
DUSTIN I personally don’t care. Do your pants up, your coming to the party.
SHANE Screw you both, you break into my home and invade my privacy and then expect me to go to this bullshit party. I said no this morning I said no at lunchtime I said no 5 minutes ago. I mean No.
DUSTIN Fine but I’m telling everybody what we saw.
He waits for a response. Shane looks at the TV. The final scene of the Star Trek episode plays out.
SHANE Ok, I’ll go. But I want my spare key back.
He starts to do his pants up.
SAM Were you seriously masturbating to Star Trek?
February 27th, 2007 at 12:34 am
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
SHANE, 20’s, sits in front of his laptop. Circles encase his sleep-deprived eyes as he types away at his keyboard. A TV set blares in the background; he ignores it.
“Term paper� rests in the upper left-hand corner of the page.
Shane checks the time 6:30 AM. Early sunlight peeks through the window.
He suddenly gets a pop-up ad. A nude woman.
His brow raises and he clicks it.
ON SCREEN
A small chested woman.
SHANE Mm, not bad. Not really my–
Shane stops in his tracks as he leers up to the TV.
ON TELEVISION
MARINA SIRTIS, portraying Counselor Deanna Troi in a low-cut top, is featured prominently in the shot.
Shane’s lips curl in delight. He starts to masturbate.
ON TELEVISION
LIEUTENANT WORF enters the scene.
Shane suddenly jumps back and grabs his remote.
SHANE Thank god for TiVo.
He rewinds the scene.
Shane resumes.
DUSTIN, 20’s, Shane’s roommate, abruptly enters the room.
DUSTIN You wouldn’t believe where I woke up this morning! Do you remember Cynthia?
ON TELEVISION
Lieutenant Worf enters the scene, just as before.
Dustin notices Shane.
DUSTIN Jesus Christ, dude!
Shane quickly covers himself.
SHANE Don’t you fucking knock?
DUSTIN It’s my room too, dick. Wait a second, you jerk off to Blingons?
SHANE NO! (Beat) What the fuck is a Blingon?
DUSTIN Black Klingon.
SHANE Bling? That’s so wrong.
DUSTIN Uh, no. B is for black, racist, not “black men wear jewelry.� (Beat) This is too good not to wake Sam over.
Dustin bangs on the wall.
DUSTIN Hey, Sam! Shane’s beats it to Blingons.
SAM (O.S.) WHAT?
Sam staggers in; half asleep.
SAM Dude, you like Michael Dorn?
SHANE No, you fucking assholes. Okay, I was jerking off, you caught me. But I wasn’t doing it to Klingon or Blingons or whatever, okay? This is what I was jerking off to.
Shane rewinds the episode too far.
ON TELEVISION
The TiVo freezes on a frame of WESLEY CRUSHER – A 15 year old boy.
SAM And goodnight.
Sam exits.
SHANE No! It wasn’t–
Dustin starts to leave.
DUSTIN I’m putting in a housing transfer.
February 27th, 2007 at 12:40 am
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shane sits at his desk, his face bathed in the glow of a computer screen. The opening them to the classic Star Trek television show plays in the background. He bangs his fist on the keyboard.
SHANE
Come on! Oh, screw it.
Shane briefly closes his eyes in defeat and then turns his attention toward the t.v. His bored expression turns slowly to one of rapt interest as he fumbles for his belt buckle and unzips his pants.
SHANE
Oh, you green skinned temptress.
Beads of perspiration appear on his lip as his shoulder jerks frantically. His eyes close again as we fade out. Fade in on a desert landscape, crude papier mache rocks framing the scene. Shane, dressed in the familiar uniform of Captain Kirk lies on the ground, his shirt torn and a trickle of blood running from the corner of his mouth. A green skinned and barely clothed beautiful woman towers over him.
GREEN SKINNED WOMAN
Kirk, you disappoint me. I thought you would be more of a challenge.
SHANE
That may be, but you promised to let my crew go either way.
GREEN SKINNED WOMAN
Very well. But for now we mate.
Green skinned woman starts to remove her leather bikini top exposing her spectacular alien breasts.
GREEN SKINNED WOMAN
You must know that my passion usually results in death for the common human male.
The green skinned woman straddles Shane as she pulls his head forward in a violent kiss.
(O.S)
DUSTIN
Shane. Open up buddy. I need my new issue of Wizard back. The door opens.
DUSTIN
Oh shit. Sorry.
Dustin backs out the door. Sam pushes past him.
SAM
Cool, Trek’s on. Whoa.
Sam starts laughing hysterically. Shane covers himself with lightning-quick reflexes with the nearest thing – the latest issue of Wizard magazine.
SAM
Oh man. Were you or were you not just now jerking to Star Trek?
SHANE Get out! Get out!
SAM
Well, lock your door if you don’t want to get caught pulling your taffy to hot alien chicks. Or maybe it was a little bit of the Kirk that got you going? Huh?
SHANE
Fuck you.
SAM
Hey, what’ll you give me to not tell Katelyn about this little indescretion?
SHANE
What’ll you give me to not post those pics of you and Dustin playing pro-wrestling in your underwear?
SAM
Uh, point taken. Sorry, dude.
Sam quickly backs out the door and closes it behind him.
February 27th, 2007 at 1:27 am
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shane enters the room. He switches the television on.
Shane walks to the desk and awakes his computer from sleep mode. and looks for a specific file.
Shane starts to smile. He has found the file. GIRL ON GIRL ACTION. He plays it. Two girls are having fun with each other. Shane lowers his throusers, he wears Star Trek underwear and starts to masturbate.
In the background the episode comes nearer to the climax, the fight between Spock and Kirk.
Shane is still masturbating but the familiar music catches his attention. He turns around, still at full throtle.
The door opens. Dustin and Sam burst into the room. They see Shane in a very compromising position. They look at Shane, then at the tv and then at each other. Shane looks at them, then back at the tv and then back at them.
They look at the computer where a Star Trek screensaver is running. SAM It’s okay…I sometimes wack off during the Sesame Street.
February 27th, 2007 at 4:35 am
I wont try re-writing this as i can’t bring myself to even read all the other takes on it…
But i think this is funnier as a 1 person scene… With Shane looking at porn-speeding up, looking at trek slowing down… Then in the end he resigns to the fact that he’s going to watch trek and gives up… not too happy about it either … THATs hilariously sad…
i also think it should be a data scene on trek… talking high-tech mumbo-jumbo…
February 27th, 2007 at 4:37 am
And here I was thinking that auditions with singing teenagers must be torture. Reading 4 different versions of the StarTrek-Masturbation-Scene already did serious damage to my brain. I feel pity for you, John. You may want to outsource this to one of your assistants ;)
February 27th, 2007 at 5:55 am
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shane sits on a couch, taking a sip from a cup of tea. When he puts it down upon a table, we see a label revealing it’s an Earl Grey.
He turns the TV on. Commercials. Shane takes a look at a clock on the wall, which reads 9:52.
SHANE Eight minutes, huh?
He stands up and crosses the room. We get a glimpse at a folded, yellowed Captain Janeway poster laying in a box.
Shane sits down in front of a computer, opens a folder called “boring family stuff� and clicks on “xmas 2006�.
A media player pops up and we see a girl wearing nothing but some santa hat. She walks towards a nude guy who decorates a christmas tree. The whole thing looks very amateurish.
Shane gets rid of his pants, only wearing boxer shorts now, and starts masturbating. That’s when we hear the TV a bit clearer:
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And now, an all-new episode of Battlestar Galactica…
Surprised, Shane turns around. But the announcer wasn’t lying, the episode is just about to begin.
He looks at the clock on the computer screen — 10:00.
SHANE (mumbles) Stupid clock.
Shane’s arm starts moving faster. He tries to concentrate on his porn movie, but can’t. He turns around again, still masturbating.
That’s when Dustin and Sam enter. Shane quickly closes the media player but is unable to hide what he’s been doing anyway. His face turns red.
DUSTIN (disgusted) Dude!
Sam and Dustin first look at Shane, then at the TV showing the Galactica in space.
SAM Please tell me you’ve not just been jerking off to Star Trek.
Before Shane can come up with an answer, the TV shows Lee Adama in a gym. Sweaty, shiny, sexy as hell.
DUSTIN That’s not even Star Trek.
SAM Gay Trek? (making a Picard-like gesture) What the fuck is this shit?
Shane turns to Sam and Dustin.
SHANE It’s Battlestar Galactica, alright? And, no, I was watching regular porn before you came in.
DUSTIN Hey, don’t worry, man! It’s totally fine. Who are we to judge? (beat) I did it to that Klingon chick once myself.
SHANE Seriously? You, too?
DUSTIN No, of course not, you pervert. That’s disgusting!
SAM Wait! Dude, check out the blonde. That’s Seven, right?
SHANE Six!
They all look at the TV now. Six has a conversation with Baltar — wearing hot red bikini.
Suddenly, Shane’s shaking.
DUSTIN (CONT’D) (laughs) God, looks like someone just fired his proton torpedoes.
SHANE (pressed) It photon torpedoes, you moron.
Sam takes a look at Shane’s boxer shorts, grimaces. Dustin notices that.
DUSTIN Report!
SAM Not much to see here, captain. Minor hull damage, but shields are still at 100 percent.
SHANE Oh, get the frak outta here!
Sam and Dustin break into laughter.
February 27th, 2007 at 6:43 am
INT: SHANE’S ROOM – DAY
Theme music plays.
SHANE, a portly slacker in an A-Team T-shirt and sweatpants, lowers the shades.
KIRK (Voice-over) Space, the final frontier.
Shane positions his couch just so, right in front of the television.
KIRK (Voice-over) These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
Shane grabs a jar of vaseline and a box of Kleenex, making sure that the tissues are close at hand.
KIRK (Voice-over) Its 5-year mission: to explore strange new worlds . . .
Shane lights up a fatty and a plume of marijuna smoke fills the room.
He holds the fatty in his left hand . . . with his right hand . . .
KIRK (Voice-over) . . . to seek out new life and new civilizations . . .
. . . Shane reaches down into his shorts and begins pulling his pud for all he’s worth, just as the music swells.
KIRK (Voice-over) to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Shane taking another puff, has a vicious beat going on his meat when . . .
DUSTIN, a skinny slacker clad in a Scooby-Do t-shirt and golf shorts, enters Shane’s room.
DUSTIN Hey dickhead, did you hork my stash . . .
Dustin stops. Shane freezes. The two men “look” at each other.
DUSTIN Dude. Are you . . . are you jacking off to Star Trek?
SHANE (after a moment) Yeah.
A beat, a moment, between the two.
DUSTIN Which episode?
SHANE Trouble with Tribbles.
Dustin crosses and sits next to Shane on the couch.
DUSTIN Tribbles? That’s a good fuckin’ episode.
Shane hands the fattie over to Dustin, who takes a puff.
SHANE It’s a GREAT fuckin’ episode.
Dustin reaches down into his shorts and goes to work. Shane gets back to his, eyes on televsion.
Dialogue from the show as both men puff away and pull their puds in unison.
February 27th, 2007 at 7:18 am
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shane throws his keys on the desk and turns on the TV with the remote. There’s an old “Star Trek” on: “The Gamesters of Triskelion”.
He agitates his mouse to wake his computer and sits at the desk. He unbuttons his pants.
He glances at the TV. Uhura is on screen. In the search field of his browser, he types “UHURA”. After a moment, he adds “NUDE”.
Shane sticks a hand in his pants as he browses the results, which disappoint him. He takes his hand out of long enough to replace “UHURA” with “NURSE CHAPEL”.
He’s again disappointed as with the results. He tries “NURSE SEXY” – that’s it! He finds an (in)appropriate site and starts to wank.
A fight scene on TV draws Shane’s attention. Shane shifts to face the TV to watch scenes of Uhura and Shahna.
The Star Trek fight music comes on as Shahna bounces around on TV.
Shane picks up the pace.
The music speeds up, gets louder. So does Shane.
SHANE Uh…. UH….
The bedroom door opens. Shane, not stopping, turns toward it, sort of.
The “beaming up” sound comes from the TV.
SHANE Uhura!
Dustin stands in the doorway, Sam behind him. A rope of splooge hits Dustin’s shirt.
DUSTIN Damn it, Shane. I’m a doctor not a diaphragm.
Dustin grabs a tissue.
Shane does up his pants, but he’s having trouble.
SAM Were you just masturbating to Star Trek?
SHANE Don’t you guys knock?
DUSTIN The original series?
SHANE Get the fuck out!
DUSTIN Oh. “The Gamesters of Triskelion”. Gotcha. Can I borrow a shirt?
February 27th, 2007 at 7:25 am
EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY
Shane’s friends SAM and DUSTIN are walking along discussing sexual habits/fantasies.
SAM
You know, SHANE masturbates to episodes of Star Trek.
DUSTIN
Original or Next Generation?
SAM
Uhh.. Voyager I think.
DUSTIN
Philistine!!
February 27th, 2007 at 8:50 am
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shane sits at his computer, jerking off to internet porn. A vintage episode of Star Trek plays on the TV in the corner, SOUND CRANKED.
As pleasures himself, Shane glances at William Shatner on the TV, then quickly looks back at the porn on the monitor. A moment later, his eyes creep over to Star Trek again, then snap back to the porn.
Still wanking, Shane finally turns his full attention to the TV. He doesn’t notice as Dustin enters and watches him. Beat.
DUSTIN: Captain, set phasers on “come�!
Shane falls out of his seat, startled. He scrambles under his desk.
SHANE: Do you fucking mind?!
DUSTIN: Not at all. It’s pretty weird, but whatever, dude — I’m cool with it.
Dustin picks up an Xbox game off the bed and turns to Shane, who still cowers under his desk.
DUSTIN: Live long and prosper. Try not to go blind.
Dustin walks out with the game.
February 27th, 2007 at 8:53 am
INT. SHANES BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shane slinks into his computer chair after a long day of work. He runs his hands over his face. A yawn escapes. He grabs the remote off of his desk, flicks on a television sitting at the far end of his computer desk. It’s Star Trek. He smiles. Thank God for the little things.
His computer screen comes to life, accompanied by a SOOTHING CHIME. It’s Nadia and she wants to talk.
He gives the screen a sidelong glance, and ignores her. This best part of the episode is fast approaching. He doesn’t want to miss this.
Another chime.
Shane rolls his eyes.
And yet another.
Nadia, his desktop stripper, won’t quit.
With a resigned sigh, Shane turns his attention to the computer screen.
SHANE Nadia, you are by far the best Spyware I have ever come across.
Shane unzips his fly, frees himself, and begins to pump furiously. He follows the movement of Nadia’s hips, her carefully placed thong; he is mesmerized, and yet, Spock pulls at him. He gives the television screen a quick glance.
It’s his favorite scene, and he can’t look away. He continues to pump idly, Nadia forgotten.
Just then, his door swings open.
DUSTIN Dude! I just caught Sam…
It’s Dustin – mouth pursed, eyebrows raised. Behind him is Sam – eyes downcast, cheeks red. The climax of the episode can be heard O.S.
DUSTIN (in a high but quiet voice) Ohhhh myyy Goooodd.
He closes his eyes, begins to rub his temples slowly. Shane tries to speak. Dustin puts his hands out as if to repel any argument and walks away. Sam steps forward.
SAM Do you want to talk about it?
Dustin can be heard O.S., screaming – a long, painful yell. A yell you would expect to hear from a man fighting for his life.
SHANE (embarrassed) No, Sam. Please go away.
Sam very slowly backs out of the doorway. Behind him, the room is a cacophony of Dustin’s ranting and raving. Sam closes the door.
February 27th, 2007 at 9:13 am
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shane is masturbating to internet porn, as Star Trek plays on the TV. Sam and Josh enter.
Shane looks embarrassed, covering up his genitals with a copy of Starlog. Dustin looks at the TV.
February 27th, 2007 at 9:17 am
IF you have to start with Shane entering the room and beginning his solo mission, then he’s got to actually be doing it to Star Trek. Not to internet porn. The internet is down. He’s got no good magazines. And as he flips through TV, it’s all Murder She Wrote and crap. Settles for some Alien cleavage on Star Trek and gets going… and that’s when his friend enters.
But that’s not the best approach. I don’t want to see any guy’s “process” in a movie or on TV. Tell it from his friend’s POV. His friend just storms into the room, angry about the encounter he just had at work/school/parking lot/whatever. He doesn’t even notice that Shane still has his hand down his pants (if the pants are on at all). As Dustin rants about his day, Shane tries to pull himself together — and that’s when he gets caught. “Were you…?” Shane is speechless. And then the audience puts it together just like the Friend does — what he was doing, and what he was doing it to.
February 27th, 2007 at 9:18 am
I hope these will be considered in order they’ve been posted… there’s some serious plagiarism going down. I’m gonna call my lawyer!
February 27th, 2007 at 10:58 am
INT. BASEMENT – DAY
Shane (30s), a come-overed, beer-gutted, living in his momma’s basement specimen of manhood, surfs the INTERNET. Star Trek blares on TV behind him.
SHANE Barely legal in Boston
MOM (OS) Shane
No response.
MOM (CONT’D)(OS) Shane
SHANE What
Mom pokes head down basement stairs.
MOM I folded your laundry
SHANE Yeah
MOM Well, come get it before the Tupperware ladies come. Y’know I got that bridal shower today.
DOORBELL rings. Mom disappears towards it.
MOM (OS) Shane
GIRLS GIGGLING emanates from computer.
GIRLS (on computer) Welcome to our side of the law
MOM (OS) Shane -
SHANE Yeah, I’m coming
Shane settles in for a little release, with the help of his new internet friends; he’s lost in rhythmic self-loving.
DUSTIN (30s), Nirvana t-shirt and long natty hair, crashes down the stairs.
DUSTIN Hey, your mom said –
Shane whips around, eyes off the porn and onto Shatner. His hands hide his little bits.
SHANE Shit, I –
DUSTIN Hey, whatever, I’m a Piccard man, myself.
Dustin flops into a lazy boy. He flicks the TV channel.
SHANE Dustin, I –
DUSTIN Oh, sorry, did y’wanna finish up
February 27th, 2007 at 11:00 am
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM, NIGHT
Open on TV screen showing bad sci-fi rerun. We hear tinny moaning and “bom-chika� porno music from somewhere. Pull back to SHANE, at his desk in boxers and a dress shirt, making obvious, furious masturbation gestures in front of his computer. We can’t see what’s on the screen. He turns to the TV for a moment, then to his doorway to see DUSTIN standing there. SHANE freezes, then turns to the TV, then back to DUSTIN. DUSTIN looks at SHANE, then at the TV. SHANE looks at DUSTIN, stunned, frightened and sweating.
DUSTIN Oh, I’ve seen this one – that guy turns out to be some sort of spy, and at the end he actually tricks the Arturians into blowing up their own ship.
[Pause.]
So you might want to, um, you know…
[Makes vague masturbation-like gesture with his hand]
Pace yourself.
DUSTIN pauses for a second, then continues to his room. SHANE, frozen, stares at the empty doorway.
February 27th, 2007 at 11:04 am
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The living room sits silent and dark.
Through the front door enters SHANE, he takes off his Taco Bell cap and grabs the TV remote as he crosses the room towards the computer.
He flicks the remote to channel 12. The Simpsons are just ending. He turns his attention to his PC.
He opens Internet Explorer. 12 Pop-ups appear in quick succession. As he’s closing them his eyes widen with delight. It’s an ad for Cindy Margolis’ new site.
He leans back in his chair, looking down the empty hallway.
SHANE
Dustin!? Sam?!
No answer.
His pants drop to the base of the chair.
He lays his apron across his pale and hairy left leg.
His right hand starts clicking and his left hand starts pumping.
The Star Trek theme song begins.
He glances over his shoulder and hurries his pace.
He clicks on a video. Loading…still loading…
He turns back to the television, maintaining a steady pace.
The video starts up then freezes again. Shane grunts in frustration.
Suddenly he hears the voices of Christine Chapel and Janice Rand. They’re arguing and it’s getting heated.
He turns his whole body towards the television. His pace intensifies.
Just as Shane’s eyes begin to squint in ecstasy a key enters the lock of the front door.
DUSTIN and SAM stare wide-eyed at Shane, his stained Taco Bell apron across his lap.
They look at the TV. Captain Kirk and Spock are embracing in a manly hug.
DUSTIN
Dude?
February 27th, 2007 at 11:32 am
Shane unlocks the apartment door. Tosses his keys on the table.
SHANE
Guys?
No answer.
SHANE
You guys home?
Still no answer.
Shane smiles and locks the door behind him.
Pulls the blinds down.
Takes the phone off the hook.
Parks a model John Deere tractor in front of the webcam.
Turns off his cell phone.
Dims the lights.
Pours a glass of wine.
From the bottom recesses of his sock drawer, pulls an extra-large bottle of Vaseline.
From behind the CD rack, he pulls a box of surgical latex gloves.
From behind a leather-bound volume of Gibbon’s “Decline And Fall Of The Roman Empire”, he pulls an unmarked DVD case.
His pants hit the dining room table.
He snaps the glove onto his right hand.
His underwear falls to his ankles.
His hand hits the “play” button on the remote.
His eyes light up with the anticipation of a night of self-pleasure.
The TV shows an anti-piracy warning.
SHANE
Come on. Come on…
The music starts. Close on Shane’s face as we hear the sound of the TV.
CAPTAIN KIRK (V.O.)
Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
The sound speeds up. Shane’s hitting the fast-forward looking for a particular spot on the disc.
CAPTAIN KIRK
Lieutenant, open a hailing frequency.
UHURA
Hailing frequency open, Captain.
Shane rewinds.
CAPTAIN KIRK
Lieutenant, open a hailing frequency.
UHURA
Hailing frequency open, Captain.
and again…
CAPTAIN KIRK
Lieutenant, open a hailing frequency.
UHURA
Hailing frequency open, Captain.
again…
Shane’s brow furrows. He bites his lower lip. Overwhelmed with pleasure.
SHANE
Open a hailing frequency.
UHURA
Hailing frequency open, Captain.
SHANE
HAILING FREQUENCY!
UHURA
…open…
SHANE
HAILING FREQUENCY!!!
UHURA
…open…
Nearly at the moment of climax – and there’s the sound of a KEY IN THE LOCK!
Panicked, Shane drops the remote.
He stands, tries to pull up his briefs and grab the remote at the same time.
He trips over the coffee table and lands, bare ass up, on the carpet.
Sam opens the door, and switches on the lights.
SAM
Dude, your mom was down in the lobby. She said the phone was busy…
And then Sam stares at the horror spread out before him.
Shane’s mom walks in behind Sam and stops.
She screams. A blood-curdling Janet Leigh of a scream.
We still hear her screaming as she runs off down the hall.
SAM
She’s dead, Jim.
February 27th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Sci-fi posters line cover every inch of every wall… a shrine to movie geek-dom. THUMP a bottle of hand lotion slams down on the desk, CLAP a box of baby wipes is pulled out of a drawer and dropped onto the desk.
Shane PLOPS into his chair, unbuttons his top pant button and turns on the TV, and then turns his attention to his computer. He opens a file subtlely titled “Porn� when he notices The Trouble With Tribbles Star Trek episode on in the background. He glances back and forth between his two temptresses, not sure which to choose.
After a BEAT he minimizes the folder on his computer, finishes unbuttoning his pants, pumps a couple squirts of lotion into his hand and is just a few strokes in when…
A VOICE Dude!
Shane JOLTS violently. As he scrambles to cover himself up his hand flies off his member, repeatedly slamming against his keyboard, sending file after file opening on his desktop.
Reveal Dustin…
DUSTIN Tell me you weren’t just masturbating to Star Trek.
SHANE What? Noooo. That’s just for background noise. Don’t you know how to knock?!
DUSTIN (resolved to his fate) My best friend beats it to Star Trek. I’m going to learn to be okay with this.
SHANE I wasn’t beating anything to Star Trek. It was just on, okay? If you must know I was trying to enjoy some alone time with my girl Jenna Jameson (indicating his computer).
We look over at Shane’s computer, which displays a picture of a 3 year-old Shane having his bottom powdered by his grandmother.
SHANE Wait. No.
DUSTIN I liked it more when I thought you were beating off to Tribbles dude.
SHANE Get the fuck out of here!
Dustin exits.
February 27th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
The DOOR opens to reveal SHANE, exhausted from a long day at work. He drops his keys on the COFFEE TABLE, throws himself into the recliner and turns on the TELEVISION.
Not satisfied with the commercial on the screen, Shane looks toward the COMPUTER. He smiles slyly as he gets an idea.
Shane sits down in the DESK chair and opens the computer’s internet browser. He types carefully into the URL LINE “youPorn.com.�
The ZIPPER on his jeans drops and his hand slowly moves into his now visible boxers. Shane starts focusing as his arm jerks up and down.
Unsatisfied with the images on the computer, Shane notices the television he turned on. On screen is the opening to “Star Trek: the Next Generation.� Shane glances back to the computer, arm still jerking.
Shane’s discontent with his computer grows. With his arm still jerking, he slowly swivels his chair until he is facing the television. His breathing increases.
Suddenly, the DOOR swings open. DUSTIN barges in, followed by SAM. Shane swivels back towards his computer, desperately hiding his crotch under his now sticky hands.
DUSTIN What’s going on here, buddy?
SHANE Don’t you guys ever knock?
SAM Were you just wanking it to Star Trek?
SHANE Fuck you guys.
DUSTIN You were gonna cum when they said “Beam me up, Scotty,â€? weren’t you?
February 27th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
I was going to do the whole self-seduction thing, but BaronVonReed nailed it. Add in Hailing Frequency and we have a winner, folks.
February 27th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
INT. OUTSIDE OF SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
DUSTIN has his ear up to SHANE’S BEDROOM DOOR. He can hear STAR TREK and HEAVY BREATHING. He knocks.
DUSTIN Shane?
Beat.
DUSTIN You okay in there?
Another beat. STAR TREK and HEAVY BREATHING continue. DUSTIN opens the door.
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS
CLOSE-ON DUSTIN, standing in the doorway, shocked.
SHANE (O.S.) (muffled) I’m masturbating to Star Trek.
DUSTIN I don’t even care, just get that bag off your head.
February 27th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
SHANE walks into his room and claps twice. The lights, television, and computer buzz to life. He immediately runs over to his computer.
SHANE
C’mon c’mon c’mon…nice.
ECU on the computer shows Shane clicking on a ‘New Friend Request’ icon on his MySpace page.
SHANE
No way. (beat) You think I’m hot?
In the background, we hear the theme for STAR TREK.
SHANE
You get crazy sometimes? I bet you do, naughty girl.
He peeks around to make he’s alone.
Sean unzips his jeans and goes at it.
On TV, we see a STAR TREK sequence featuring WORF and another Klingon woman doing some kind of weird mating ritual. Sean peeks out of one eye.
SHANE
What the…
Shane, not stopping his self pleasure, walks over to the TV.
SHANE
That’s the most fucked up thing I’ve ever-
Suddenly, Shane’s roommate DUSTIN walks in, carrying Taco Bell.
DUSTIN
Shane?
SHANE
Dustin?
Dustin looks at the TV. He looks back at Shane.
DUSTIN
Klingons?
Dustin runs out of the room, Shane hobbling after him.
SHANE
Dustin! DUSTIN! Look I- I was just beating off to MySpace!! (beat) I’m not some fucking freak!
February 27th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
SHANE is masturbating to STAR TREK.
Enter PATRICK STEWART.
PATRICK STEWART Goddamn it, son.
February 27th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
INT. Shane’s room. Early Evening. Television is on. Room is otherwise dark.
Shane arrives home. Throws his keys on a table near the door, kicks off his shoes. He undresses after a long day at Circuit City. We see the blue shirt and khakis as they fall onto the floor near the overflowing laundry basket. Shane, in his undies and shite socks, crosses to his computer desk and swirls the mouse until the screen lights up. He types some quick words and we see over his shoulder babesinthebuff.com. He starts pleasuring himself. From the television we hear Dr. “Bones” McCoy say “Damn it Jim, I’m a doctor, not a bricklayer.” Shane turns to look at the TV just as the door opens, Dustin entering behind Sam. Sam sees Shane and the TV.
SAM
(embarrassed, deadpan)Um. Excuse me.
Sam turns and pushes Dustin back out of the room.
INT. Coffee Schmoffee, noisy coffee shop in Lincoln Park. Later.
Sam and Dustin enter, followed by Shane. Sam and Dustin have their hands up in a “it’s none of our business” gesture. Shane is frustrated.
SHANE
Guys! I was not jacking to Star Trek!
(the entire coffee shop is suddenly quiet. We see Shane’s crush, Melinda, clearing cups from a table in the center of the room. Sam and Dustin turn quickly and leave. Shane is standing alone in the threshold of Coffee Schmoffee)
February 27th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
That’s white socks, not shite socks!
February 27th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
INT- SHANE’S APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Shane enters the darkened room, talking on the phone.
SHANE Yeah, I’ll be ready in 10. See you soon.
He hangs up and plops down in an armchair, checks his watch. He bites his lip, calculating the time it will take, and decides that, yes, he can get the job done in under 10 minutes; Maybe even 2 if he rushes it.
Shane closes his eyes, works his jeans and boxer shorts to his ankles, and spits into his hand. Immediately, he is masturbating furiously, his eye on his watch, his tongue poking through his lips.
SHANE Oh shit. Mmmm. God.
Suddenly, the television comes to life, bathing the room in a bright glow. On the screen is a prompt that reads “Ready to Record – Star Trek: The Next Generation. Press “C� to cancel�
Shane scans the room for the remote, his hand still on his junk, no such luck. He squeezes his eyes shut, tries to drain the sound out. It doesn’t work, and he jumps to his feet, almost tripping over his bunched shorts. He hops towards the television, both hands out to balance himself.
A door behind the TV BANGS OPEN, revealing DUSTIN, his roommate.
DUSTIN Wha – JESUS!
Shane’s head shoots up, the color drains from his face. He stumbles backwards, falls on his ass, causing his erection to bounce up and down. Dustin turns around and stares at the wall.
SHANE (Scrambling to pull up his pants) Fuck, I’m sorry. I… uhhhh…
DUSTIN Dude, I don’t wanna know. I don’t.
TELEVISION Lieutenant Worf, permission to speak freely.
DUSTIN To my STAR TREK episode!?
SHANE No. No! It just came on. Shit shit shit. I don’t even WATCH Star Trek.
DUSTIN (sticking his hands in his pockets) Please tell me it’s Deanna Troi, or some alien chick.
SHANE No, I’m ALL about Captain Picards shiny head.
DUSTIN Dude. Not the time for jokes. So not the time.
A HORN HONKS outside.
SHANE That’s, that’s my friends. Don’t forget to feed the cat, okay?
DUSTIN Take my hand sanitizer with you.
Shane grabs a bottle of Hand Soap off the end table and heads for the door.
SHANE Sorry. Hope it’s a good episode…
Shane SLAMS the door behind him, leaving Dustin alone in the room. Dustin finds the remote stuck in the couch cushion and sits down, re-winding the episode.
DUSTIN Boldly go where one roommate just went before…
Dustin pulls himself out of his pants and sets to work, the theme music of Next Generation filling the room with trumpets.
February 27th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Shane shuffles into his adolescent-style room and plops his keys onto the couch alongside an unfinished bag of chips. He clicks on his television set, from which we hear the tell-tale lasers, explosions, etc. of a science-fiction show.
Still standing, he moves his computer’s mouse, which awakens the screen:
ON COMPUTER SCREEN
Grainy, downloaded 80s porn.
BACK ON SHANE
He assumes the position of a young boy at a urinal and unzips his pants, alternating his attention between the TV and his computer.
His right arm pumps faster as the intensity of the porn and sci-fi SOUNDS march toward their inevitable climaxes.
After a moment, the sci-fi is the bigger turn-on, and he ignores the porn while tugging away to the intergalactic battle. Just as Shane is about to finish, Dustin and Sam pop into the room.
Shane carries a bundt cake, while Sam tows a half-gallon of lactose-free milk.
A poker-faced Dustin simply holds up the cake for Shane to see. Sam’s mouth hangs open and his eyes twitch as his mind races to compute what he’s just seen.
SHANE
Is that a bundt cake?
DUSTIN
On sale. Is this the one where they–
SHANE
She orders a pizza, and the guy comes in and–
DUSTIN
No. The TV.
SHANE
No, I know the one you’re thinking of. It’s not that one.
DUSTIN
Do you want a slice?
SHANE
Could you knock next time?
DUSTIN
Go wash your hands. You want a big piece or a little piece?
SHANE (sheepishly)
Big piece. Hey Sam.
SAM
Hey Shane.
February 27th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
To the “writer” of the original scene:
Please, please, please stop writing comedies. Forever.
February 27th, 2007 at 3:31 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT Shane enters, finishing a beer. He sees the computer, left on playing some incredible internet porn. He eyes the room – all clear, just a Star Trek rerun on TV. Shane drops his pants, pulls up his shirt, and tucks it under his chin. He resembles a toddler making pee pee. He starts to masturbate (all shot discreetly so as not to seem…. unseemly). But as Shane gets his groove, the Star Trek rerun vies for his attention. “The Trouble with Tribbles,â€? a classic. Shane turns back to the porn with renewed urgency, trying to finish before missing anymore Star Trek. But he keeps looking from computer to tv, tv to computer. Until, ultimately his handiwork is solely directed on Star Trek. DUSTIN (O.S.) Hey-a-Shane. Shane looks – his two roommates DUSTIN and SAM arrive. Both even more startled than Shane. DUSTIN/SAM Ah! SHANE Ah! DUSTIN/SAM/SHANE Ah! An awkward beat. Then all try at once to absorb and ignore what just happened. Sam sees the TV, a welcome diversion. SAM Tribbles. Cool. Classic episode. (suddenly worse realization) …Wait. Were you? DUSTIN You were masturbating to Star Trek. SHANE No, I mean, it was, but, I was, porn. SAM You were so masturbating to Star Trek. DUSTIN It’s not even a Lieutenant Uhura scene. SAM You were tuggin to the Tribbles. SHANE No. DUSTIN Tell me our remote doesn’t have Tribble dribble. SHANE I wasn’t… SAM Having a jerk with your Kirk? SHANE Shut up. SAM Going solo with your Sulu. SHANE Stop. But Sam and Dustin can’t, they’re on a roll. SAM Keep it clean, use a sock on your Spock. DUSTIN (stilted Kirk impersonation) Don’t. You. Understand. I. Must. Beam up my Scottie! SAM To boldly go where no hand has gone before. DUSTIN You know how a Vulcan does it? Dustin makes a hand-job motion with the Vulcan Salute. SAM Just don’t do a Vulcan nerve pinch. You’ll never get back up. SHANE OKAY VERY FUNNY, SHUT UP ALREADY. Dustin and Sam stop. Respectfully back out of the room. DUSTIN Sorry, man, you’re right. Those last ones weren’t even entertaining. We’re out. SAM Our bad. Way uncool to tease a man who’s just trying to enjoy his Rod-n-berries. Shane throws his beer – hitting the door just as it slams shut.
February 27th, 2007 at 3:31 pm
INT. SHANE’S ROOM — AFTERNOON
Brisk light bleeds through the cracks of closed window shades.
SHANE (20′s), a rotund slob of a man, enters. The blue hue of a meager television casts light on an unknown figure sitting in the deep of the room.
SHANE
Who’s there?
Alarmed, Shane manages to find the light switch. He FLICKS it on to reveal…
A female KLINGON with uber-green skin and shit poking out of her forehead. She sits in his computer chair, holding a salami in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
KLINGON
Hi.
The Klingon takes the salami and SWALLOWS it whole.
Shane gulps.
SMASHCUT TO:
The Klingon THROWING Shane down on a twin bed doused with Yodas.
KLINGON
You fucking traitor! Now you’re going to pay.
As Shane lies flatback on the bed, the KLINGON raises up.
She begins to unbutton her pants. As they drop Sean’s eyes POP open –
SHANE
No! No!!!
KLINGON
Shut up!
The Klingon YANKS on Shane’s beltloop, spinning him around.
Shane howls as the Klingon she-male RAMS him in the ass. His finger grip the bed, shriveling up a Yoda’s face.
The Klingon is LAUGHING obscenely, THRUSTING with all of her might.
SHANE
No! No!!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SHANE’S ROOM (BACK TO REALITY)
Shane writhes in his computer chair.
DUSTIN (O.S)
Shane! Shane!!
SHANE
Wha?
Shane sobers to find his roomate Dustin looming over him, shaking him vigorously.
DUSTIN
Dude wake up.
SHANE
I’m awake… I’m awake. (beat) I’m not wearing any pants am I?
DUSTIN
No.
SHANE
Could you hand me a wet-one?
DUSTIN
Sure… Oh, Sam’s here by the way.
Shane looks over to discover Sam.
SHANE
Oh, hi Sam.
February 27th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
How incredibly unsexy.
February 27th, 2007 at 5:01 pm
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Dark, ambient moonlight. SOUNDS – moving.
Then LIGHT from a TELEVISION bathes the room as SHANE works the remote. He closes the door while pressing the buttons, channel surfing, the volume low but audible.
He moves to the computer in the corner of the room, sits on the edge of the bed, reaches and switches on the
COMPUTER MONITOR that displays a slide-show gallery of buxom babes. Shane undoes his belt, whips it off on a third try. He stands proud, his pants drop to the floor – legs spread, assumes the position, beats the meat.
THE GALLERY GIRLS slide by in a progression of degradation.
Shane pants, whimpers; the usual wet sounds. The girls. Shane’s brow, contorted with effort.
Other sounds, over his – talking. His attention draws to the TELEVISION, an episode of STAR TREK: Captain KIRK and SPOCK debate a logical course of action.
Back on the girls, Shane increases his pace, his favorites showing up on screen.
SHANE Jana … Mily … RAE …
Thrusting his hips now, getting into the swing, digging his favorite babes that grace the monitor screen.
Attention shifting again to STAR TREK – KIRK and SPOCK, BONES, the Enterprise – A MONSTER …
SHANE (CONT’D) (whispering) Phasers on stun … Ensign to stern.
KIRK AND AN ENSIGN BABE embrace – suddenly THE CREATURE ATTACKS.
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN LESBIANS embrace.
SHANE watches the television.
KIRK AND CO. phaser some E.T.
SHANE, beating the meat, faster, into it, breathless, his head cocked toward the drama on STAR TREK.
SHANE (CONT’D) It’s life … Jim .. but not as we … know it! VANESSA!
KIRK attacks the ensign with his lips.
Another sound: a flushing toilet.
Shane looks to cabinet near the ensuite door – a hairbrush, some gogos – his pace slows.
THE DOOR OPENS
his SISTER standing in the doorway; surveys room. Star Trek. KIRK. Eye contact. Shane slinks down the bed, back facing, hiding, deep down into mock fetal position.
SISTER picks up her things, crosses the room, crosses STAR TREK and PORN – opens the door:
SISTER I’m giving it all she’s got Captain, if I push her any harder the whole thing’ll blow.
February 27th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
SHANE (O.S.) No, Sam, you’re the asshole.
Shane (mid-20s) slides into his bedroom and slams the door behind him. He’s wearing a Kirk hairpiece, a replica Star Trek uniform, and Tribble slippers.
He leaps onto his bed and smothers his red, tearful face into his U.S.S. Enterprise linens.
SHANE (CONT’D) (muffled) Fuck you. Fuck you.
He curls into the fetal position, lifting his knees into his chest, and pulls off his tribbles. His hair is crooked.
He reaches for the REMOTE CONTROL on his bedside table and flicks on his 20 inch TV.
The BATTLE BEAT of STAR TREK COMBAT.
Shane wipes the tears away and sits up.
ON TV: KIRK (Will Shatner) flies from a rocky cliff and wraps his fleshy biceps around the neck of the Mugatu (gorilla/unicorn).
Shane sniffs.
SHANE (CONT’D) Matt Damon could never do that. The Talented Mr. Ripley, more like The No Talented Mr. Loser.
Shane smiles.
SHANE (CONT’D) Good Will Loser. The Bourne Loser… a born loser.
He snickers. His eyes flick to the door and back to the TV:
OHURA bends to her console and speaks into the com, her red skirt sliding up her thigh.
OHURA Yes Captain.
Shane straightens his hair and stands. His uniform stretches to reveal an erect penis. Shane’s erect penis. He glances back at the door and begins a slow pelvic thrust.
SHANE (whispering) O-hur-aaaaa. O-hur-aaaaa.
Shane’s hips swing slowly back and forth.
His eyes close feeling Ohura’s presence through time.
SHANE (CONT’D) O-hur-aaaaa.
With his eyes still closed, he fondles across his bed searching for one of his slippers.
SHANE (CONT’D) O-hur-aaaaa.
He finally snatches a tribble, drops his uniform bottoms, and, still dry humping the air, slips the tribble over his erect phallus.
SHANE (CONT’D) O-hur–
The door opens and Sam, dressed as Spock, walks in–
SAM I’m sorry. That Matt Damon comment was uncalled for–
Shane stands in profile, the fuzzy tribble covering his fuzzy… tribble–
His butt cheeks clench and ecstasy shivers across his face.
SHANE –aaaaaa.
SAM Shane?
SHANE Take that Matt Damon. Take that!
SAM Not my tribbles.
February 27th, 2007 at 6:47 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT SHANE, 20 wears too-white shoes, and it’s clear his neck is long-overdue for a shave. Turns TV on, haplessly throws keys down on the coffee table and makes beeline for the computer. Enthralled after just one click of the mouse,he turns his head to one side to get a better angle. His eyes wander over to the TV but man, what he’s looking at is amazing. His right hand follows his eyes’ lead and he reaches under the waistband of his boxers, ready to take care of business. There’s no slow acceleration, he’s winning this race. He uses his other hand to lift his shirt and tuck it under his chin. Oh yeah. Old school style, baby. (As if through smart sound technology, we hear the TV’s star trek-like music followed by dialogue loud and clear.) In a trance, he slows his rhythm to match that of the music we hear coming from the TV. Caught off guard, he pauses…Shaking his head, no way, he’s got a new mission to accomplish now, he returns dutifully to his self-gratification this time with a sense of urgency. Lasers, battles,intensity. These, paired with the music, distracts him again. That damn TV’s casting a spell. And he’s catatonic, if only for a few seconds. He shakes his head, shrugging it off, and continues. This time with a steady hand, a methodical pace. His focus shifts from computer to television, television to computer. Pace remains steady. His eyes start to linger for longer on the television, eventually his focus remains entirely on the the televised program. Pace. Still steady. His back is to the computer now. The television dominates. He’s at the boob tube’s mercy.
In walks DUSTIN, 19, wavy hair in sloppy ponytail, old flannel shirt and cords and SAM, 20 slouched in stature, wearing a faded, dangerously close to disintegrating t-shirt.
DUSTIN Hey-a Shane.
SHANE Ah! SAM Hey Shane. DUSTIn Ah! In unison, SHANE, SAM, Dustin Ah! DUSTIN What the hell are you doing, Shane? SHANE Um, masturbating? Like you don’t. SAM Tell me you weren’t just masturbating to Star Trek. Sam and Dustin look at each other, stifling guffaws, chortles, and snorts. Unsuccessfully. SHANE Gimme break! I’ve got some terrific porn here on my computer, I didn’t even notice the TV was on. Why the fuck didn’t you guys knock? SAM Settle down there, Shane. SHANE (mocking voice) Were you just masturbating to Star Trek? Trying to convince himself, now, can’t look them in the eye. No, I wasn’t just masturbating to Star Trek! You have no right to come in here, in my house and just start accusing me of things I’m not doing!
One last dig for good measure… DUSTIN Were you going to time it so you came when the crew beamed back to the ship? SHANE (high pitched, cracking) Get the fuck out of here!
February 27th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
INT. THE GUYS’ LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Shane enters, tossing his burgundy McDonald’s visor on the desk. He exhales loudly. Long day.
SHANE Sam? Dusty! Anyone? (sotto) Excellent.
He wakes the PC from its sleep and clicks on the tv. A classic Star Trek is on, but Shane is barely aware of it, already focused on the parade of naked women on his computer screen.
Bonjour…
The tv plays adventure music. Kirk’s onscreen, punching someone in a suit made out of green shag carpet.
Shane pulls his pants down to his ankles. He grabs a beer out of the dorm-sized fridge next to the desk. Twists off the cap and starts playing with himself.
The music intensifies along with the rhythmic sound of his fist tapping the bottom of the desk.
Sam and Dusty suddenly enter.
DUSTY ‘Sup, Shane.
SHANE (frozen, mortified) Um just watching my favorite show.
SAM Where’s Kirk – have I seen this one?
SHANE Yep, hundred times. Might as well take off, so, see ya.
They sit on the couch.
DUSTY Hey, toss me a beer.
Shane, one hand on his penis, the other on the mouse, just looks at him.
DUSTY (faux sign language) Hello? Beer. Toss me please.
Shane reaches over and just barely opens the fridge. He struggles to pinch the cap of a beer, then tosses it towards Dusty. It hits the wall and shatters.
SAM What the fuck is your prob- (standing, sees Shane’s pant-less) Wait, why are you naked.
SHANE I’m not naked. Is that Romulus? I think they’re on Romulus.
SAM You’re beating off. To Star Trek.
DUSTY Is nothing sacred?
SHANE I am not – I spilled something on my pants and -
SAM Spilled hand lotion.
The doorbell RINGS.
SAM It’s Lisa and her sister. Put your pants on and go to your room. Fucking perv.
Sam exits. Dusty gazes at Shane with pity and disgust as Shane slowly pulls up his pants.
DUSTY (chuckles) Hey, our cocks are the same size. Never noticed.
Shane just stares dead ahead and buckles his belt. Sam enters with Lisa and her sister.
LISA Oh, classic Trek. Nice.
Dusty gets them beers from the fridge. He glances at the monitor – it displays erotic fan art of a Capt. Janeway/Dr. Crusher/Dana Scully menage-a-trois. He hits the OFF button in disgust.
LISA’S SISTER Man, I used to have such a huge crush on Kirk. I can’t tell you how many times I got off watching this episode.
SHANE (glaring at Sam) Hmmm. Isn’t that fascinating. And healthy sounding.
SAM I said go. Now.
Shane grabs his visor and shuffles up the stairs. He pauses, gazing at the others as they sit on the couch. They watch the episode, enrapt.
Sam glances at Lisa and Dusty glances at her sister. They all start making out. Shane heads upstairs, alone and disgraced.
February 27th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT Shane strolls into his bedroom, clearly having had one too many at his local pub. He throws his keys and turns on the TV as he goes to his already-on computer.
At the computer he goes right to porn, as behind him on the TV, the original STAR TREK begins with it’s classic intro.
INT. SHANE’S HOUSE, FRONT DOOR – SAME Shane’s two roommates DUSTIN and SAM arrive home fairly quietly and soberly.
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – SAME Shane, jerking his gherkin, turns around and notices STAR TREK. He loves this episode. It’s the one where Kirk and Spock do something cool and save everyone. He turns up the volume so he can hear it over the already loud porn on his computer. Best of both worlds, life is good — no wait, great.
INT. SHANE’S HOUSE — DOWNSTAIRS Dustin and Sam hear strange sounds from upstairs. They point up and smile.
DUSTIN Let’s go say hi.
SAM Hang on, I gotta get something.
CUT TO: INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM Shane’s rapidly moving back is to the camera. We hear a strange KIRK/PORN/SPOCK combination – all way too loud.
TV-COMPUTER (O.S.) Spock you DIRTY WHORE we need to refuel OOOH YEAH FUCK YEAH!
CUT TO: HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF SHANE’S BEDROOM Dustin and Sam are listening, struggling to contain their laughter.
TV-COMPUTER (O.S.) Captain look at MY HOT ASS this logic seems FUCK ME YOU COCKSUCKER
CUT TO: INSIDE SHANE’S BEDROOM The end is near for Shane and his geek-jerk orgy.
CUT TO: HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF SHANE’S BEDROOM Dustin and Sam are also, coincidentally, about to burst. They can’t take anymore and they bust into Shane’s bedroom. CUT TO: INT. – SHANE’S BEDROOM Dustin and Sam burst in on a completely stunned, naked and drunk Shane who flails like a harpooned flounder. As Dustin, Sam and Shane laugh and scream, we hear a POLAROID taking pictures and all we see is the FLASH popping on screen.
INT. OFFICE – DAY One cute girl is talking in her cube to her friend.
She leans in to check it out.
She pulls out the phone and they compare the totally gross images.
As she says this we see SHANE walking right in front of her cube.
The girls smile and wave, then duck into the cube bursting into shocked laughter.
February 27th, 2007 at 9:08 pm
Black.
The clicks and sounds of TV channels changing
TV CHARACTERS (os) Who loves (click) You goddamn dirty (click). To boldly
All of sudden the TV sound goes mute.
Fade In
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shane with his pants down to his ankles waddles and stumbles through a maze of porn tapes stacked up neatly on the floor to get to his computer. He hits a key with the TV remote he’s got in his hand. Up pops the words “MAMA’S BIG TITS.� “HUGE.� The computer hums the song “hush little baby don’t you cry�
PORNO STAR (Off screen) Oh, yeah, baby, yes, yes, yes, uhhhh, uhhhhhhhhh Do you love mommy?
Shane stands up straight, almost military like. He take the remote and rubs it somewhere out of view around his crotch, and the remote clicks.
TV Character (os) We are given the drives all she’s got
Shane, hears it a few seconds after we do, and he slows his rhythm a little and looks over his shoulder at the television set, hesitating.
He hears a ray gun go off.
PORNO STAR Fuck me, fuck me.
His chest still moving forward as he can’t take his eyes off the show. He flips to another channel by accident. He quickly turns back. He closes his eyes. The channel changes again. But now changes back and forth to a rhyme.
The following are simultaneous:
TV CHARACTERS MUST (pause) GET (click) I’m an ani- (click) Beam us up
PORNO STAR Uhhhhh, mommy loves you yes mommy loves you.
There is an explosion on the TV as the door opens.
DUSTIN Uh- hey Shaannnne.
Shane drops the remote. He fumbles to turn off the computer. Tripping over wire, and when he can’t turn it off, he rips the cord of the socket. Behind Dustin is Sam.
SAM Shane.
The most painful beat in anyone’s life.
Shane You come to watch Star Trek?
The second most painful beat in anyone’s life.
DUSTIN What the hell are you doing?
SHANE Watching Star Trek.
SAM With your pants down?
SHANE I was masturbating okay.
Sam glances over at Star Trek.
TV CHARACTER FIRE!
SHANE It was just on. Don’t you know how to fuckin’ knock?
Sam and Dustin burst out laughing.
SAM AND DUSTIN (Deep voices) Shane Kurtz boldly going where no man has gone before.
They whistle the theme song to the show. Shane runs toward the two of them pushing them out as he trips over his neatly stacked maze of porn. They continue to whistle the song, as the door slams shut.
February 27th, 2007 at 9:38 pm
Okay. Before I post this a few things. First, I look forward, with both delight and dread, to read everyone elses take. Second, for some reason, when I switched over to a text editor to write this thing, Shane mutated into Sean. Please forgive me.
And finally, I may have written myself outside of the loose rules of this “contest”. I decided, as an exercise, to pretty explicitly follow John’s guide on how to write a scene. This resulted in me making choices that substantially altered the scene’s nature, and actually -doubled- the length of the damn thing. Hardly an example of economy.
=========================
INT – VIDEO STORE – NIGHT Rows and rows of DVD cases covered in laminate reflect the light of flickering TVs and overhead fluorescence into the face of SEAN, a 20-something wage slave whose bloodshot eyes and flat expression are pitiable in how they carry little will to live. He stares into the distance as his coworker, SAM, a gum smacking, bright eyed, sarcastically grinning shit eater who files away movies beside him. They both sit behind the customer service counter, sitting on stools. As Sam puts the last video away –
SAM: Aaaaand…done. Midnight. Freedom.
SEAN: Congratulations.
SAM: I’m gonna pick up Dusty next door, get some IHOP, bang her, and be asleep by one. A splendid time guaranteed for all.
SEAN: Sam –
SAM: There is something in the anticipation itself. Work behind you, a good pancake fuck before you. Let us marvel that modern technology hath wrought both plastic surgery and electric griddles that run 24 hours a day.
SEAN: Sam –
SAM: Dusty starts ragging in the next day or so, and I try to make a good run of it before I have to switch up to her butt for a week.
SEAN: Jesus, Sam. Will shut up about sex and your girlfriend’s menses?
SAM: Usually you are quite taken with my loquacity, slick. Lately, though, I’ve noticed you’ve been distant during discussion of intercourse, vaginal or otherwise. And you look like shit
SEAN: Ever since Tilda went back to Germany I’ve been a little. I don’t know.
SAM: Oh but I do my portly friend, I do. You get used to her being there whenever you roll over, then she’s gone, now after six weeks of nothing you start to get a bit stiff in the meat.
SEAN: Is everything about cock to you?
SAM: My love of the syrup soaked flapjack remains pure. But as far as cocks go, back before Dusty, if I had this place all to my lonesome, I would sometimes give myself a little relief.
SEAN: You’ve jacked off in that nasty employee bathroom?
SAM: Fuck no. I did it in that stool.
SAM: (cont) Don’t look down your nose at me, pal. I bet you’ve felt the temptation. Surrounded by televisions, three hundred and sixty degrees of hardcore within a click of the remote.
SAM: (cont) You’re alone, in a public place, it’s late at night and you gotta perma-boner ready to rip a hole in your Flintstone’s undies. I know how it is.
SEAN: How is it? Because I’m thinking gross, but vile also comes to mind, as does possibly illegal.
SAM: Say what you will, chief, one can mix business and pleasure. No one comes in here after midnight.
SAM: (cont) The only danger is you stgand up too fast you could thwack your chub chub on the underside of the counter.
SAM: (cont) Gotta go get Dusty. Pancakes and all.
SEAN: See ya.
SEAN: Finger guns are never cool
SAM: That’s what I’m talking about!
SAM: (cont) What’s Skinemax got tonight?
SAM: Woah.
SAM: (cont) Woah, woah, woah, woah. Woah. This? Unacceptable.
SEAN: Not what it looks like.
SAM: It looks like your jerking the chicken to Star Trek, captain. And not the Star Trek with the hot empath!
SEAN: Troi?
SAM: Shut up. It’s not that you’re jerking it, tiger. I jerk it. You jerk it. The boss circle jerks it, and Dusty here uses a smooth sliding motion, with baby oil.
DUSTY: I went to massage school.
SAM: But what we don’t do is go boxer diving while exploring brave new worlds! You get me champ?
SEAN: Maybe I’m just a little fragile right now because Tilda’s gone, or because I’ve been working late nights, but whatever the reason, I have my penis in my hand right now. So. Will you please. Get the fuck. Out?
SAM: I don’t know where you freaks get off. That fan fiction shit is not canonical.
SEAN: (losing it) HAND! PENIS! OUT!
DUSTY: Sometimes I touch myself watching E.R.
DR MCOY: (on the teevee) He’s dead, Jim.
SEAN: Oh, Bones. I think I hurt myself. You’re such a bad doctor.
CUT TO BLACK
February 27th, 2007 at 11:18 pm
All this comedy is getting on my nerves. I’m switching genera. :P
INT- HOSPITAL ROOM- DAY Lying in a hospital bed is all that remains of Shane, 19, former college athlete. A chart at the foot of his bed lists his diagnosis as bacterial meningitis, and chronicles a horrifying list of failed treatments and emergency surgeries he has undergone since his admission three days ago. Both his legs and his left arm are now amputated, bandaged-wrapped stumps. Shane lies in bed, staring off into space. In the background, a television set bolted to the wall is playing an old episode of Star Trek. Shane begins to focus in on the television. The vacant expression on his face is slowly replaced by one of annoyance.
SCOTTY I cannae do it, Captain! Not in three hours!
KIRK We need that warp drive, Mr. Scott, and we need it now!
Shane’s eyes drift to where the remote control is located, on a small table to the left of his hospital bed. He moves his left arm-stump, attempting to get at it, but can’t.
SCOTTY But sir, it’s impossible! You cannae change the laws of physics!
Making an heroic effort, Shane reaches across his body with his good right arm, and attempts to grab the remote. Unfortunately his effort knocks it on the floor. Shane slumps back on his pillow, staring at the ceiling and trying not to cry. He makes a concerted effort to think about something else. Meanwhile, the Star Trek has moved on to a scene with Kirk and a beautiful alien. Shane doesn’t want to watch, but can’t help it. There’s nothing he can do about it.
A quirky expression crosses Shane’s face as he suddenly realizes there may yet be something fun within his reach. He steals a glance around the room. An elderly man on a respirator is asleep in the next bed, but there are no nurses in sight. With his remaining good hand, Shane reaches underneath his sheets, and begins quietly pleasuring himself. He closes his eyes, enjoying it.
SAM Shane!
Shane’s eyes pop open to see DUSTIN(19) and SAM(20) standing over his hospital bed, aghast.
DUSTIN Oh my God.
SHANE (Embarrassed) Guys! Uh, this isn’t as bad as it looks.
Sam and Dustin are speechless.
DUSTIN Dude… That’s quite possibly the bravest thing I think I’ve ever heard anyone say.
SHANE What?
SAM You’re cut to pieces and you nearly died, and it’s not as bad as it looks?
SHANE Oh… No, I mean, I wasn’t just, uh, whackin’ it to Star Trek… That’s just what’s on… The remote’s on the floor there…
SAM (Not knowing whether to laugh or cry) Jesus.
A beat.
DUSTIN It’s good to know you still got all the important parts.
SHANE Guess I’m just lucky that way.
SAM Dude, you could totally get a job as a sperm donor. I heard they pay fifty bucks a load!
SHANE Oh yeah? I’m there, man.
Shane’s false bravado is slipping, and he barely gets out the previous line. He turns his head away from his buddies, and rubs his eyes against his left shoulder-stump.
DUSTIN (Glaring at Sam accusingly, but speaking to Shane) We’ll come by later. We should let you get some rest.
SHANE (Still not looking at them as Dustin hurries Sam out) Thanks, guys.
Alone again, with his masturbating success now overshadowed by the bleakness of his future prospects, Shane weeps silently, tears running down his cheeks and pooling on the bed.
February 28th, 2007 at 12:19 am
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
A flickering blue light illuminates the small room.
Facing the small television is SHANE, the kind of guy who easily gets addicted to anithistamine, sprawled out on a bed. His left hand is going to work on his nether regions. He moans just loud enough to drown out Captain Kirk.
A door swings open with barely a squeak as DUSTIN, his tie askewed and the name badge still on, lurches into the room past the television.
Shane stops, hand frozen in mid yank. His gaze follows Dustin.
Dustin flips on the light over the desk succesfully killing Shane’s sexy mood lighting.
Dustin turns to the bed; turns to the television; back to Shane.
Shane nods, and throws him a slight wave. With his right hand.
DUSTIN: This that fuzzies episode?
SHANE: Think so, yeah. Just flipping.
DUSTIN: Good episode.
Shane shrugs.
SHANE: Nothing else on.
Dustin watches a few seconds as Kirk and Spock are swimming in furry creatures.
SHANE: You remember the jellyfish episode? Where they go to the planet and the whole city is…
DUSTIN: Yeah. That one was pretty good. What about it?
Shane shrugs like an idiot.
SHANE: Dunno.
DUSTIN: Right…
Dustin turns to his computer. He leans down to turn it on.
SHANE: I wouldn’t do that. Wasn’t working earlier. I kept getting a message that it was corrupted or a virus, or something…
Dustin looks back at Shane.
SHANE: Should get it checked out.
Dustin stands back up.
DUSTIN: Phone still work okay?
SHANE: I guess. Why?
DUSTIN: I need to make a call.
The two stare each other down.
SHANE: Don’t let me keep ya.
DUSTIN: Do you mind?
Shane gets the point, his dicks’ dead anyway. He hops off the bed.
SHANE: Yeah, of course. I’ll get outta your hair. You eat yet. Want me to whip something up?
DUSTIN: I’m good.
Shane slips up his pants and slides outta the room.
Dustin picks up the phone. Turning off the television, he lets his eyes give a once over the bed.
DUSTIN: Hey dude.
SHANE (O.S.): What up?
DUSTIN: I think it’s time you get a TV in your own room.
February 28th, 2007 at 1:02 am
INT SHANE’S APARTMENT – EVENING
SHANE enters his home, sighs heavily, and tosses his key on a nearby table. It has been a long day. SHANE plops down on a couch, grabs the remote and flips through TV channels. An episode of the original Star Trek catches his attention. The episode features Vina, an ORION SLAVE GIRL, a green-skinned humanoid with jet black hair whose pheromones cause irresistible urges amongst human males. In this episode, Vina dances seductively. No man can resist the ORION SLAVE GIRL species, including SHANE.
SHANE, energized, quickly fantasizes about the ORION SLAVE GIRL and suddenly ORION SLAVE GIRL appears before SHANE continuing with her dance from the Star Trek Episode. SHANE is pleased.
. (stroking SHANE’S cheek).
You weak male; you shall succumb to my ways, my people . . .
My overlord, I submit to you for whatever reason
ORION SLAVE GIRL takes off Shane’s shirt and unzips SHANE’S pants and pulls the pants to his ankles.
ORION SLAVE GIRL is on her knees, in between SHANE’S legs, her hand running up his thigh; she is breathing heavily.
SHANE you are our only hope, I have traveled long, hard and far for you. . .
The camera pans from SHANE back to the Star Trek episode SHANE was watching before his fantasy. Unbeknownst to Shane the Star Trek scene has switched from dancing ORION SLAVE GIRL to a generic scene of Captain James T. Kirk engaged in his usual histrionics over some crisis facing the USS Enterprise.
SAM AND DUSTIN enter SHANE’S apartment without knocking or announcement. SAM AND DUSTIN see SHANE and observe the TV episode with Captain Kirk, and they look at each other in disbelief. They have busted SHANE on the couch with shirt off, pants down, masturbating to Star Trek (but unknown to them, SHANE was mating, in his world, with a sexy, green, irresistible humanoid). SAM AND DUSTIN’s observation of SHANE and the TV resembles spectators of a tennis match.
SAM is pointing at the TV and looking at SHANE
What the fuck? Captain Kirk?
DUSTIN is bent over laughing in the background and SHANE awakens to reality, looks down at his lap, and looks over to SAM AND DUSTIN, and releases his hand into an “I’m innocent shrug.”
SHANE quickly pulls up his pants; he then looks up and sees a dramatic Captain Kirk on the TV screen and realizes the gravity of the situation.
Ah! No! No! there was this green chick. I swear to God! She was gyrating and shit. Here, watch! She’ll come back. Shit!
TV shows more Captain Kirk histrionics. DUSTIN continues to laugh hysterically and SAM joins him in laughter. SAM walks over to SHANE’S refrigerator and grabs a beer, opens it and takes a sip.
Don’t you ever knock? Fuck! Aren’t you a little early?
SHANE with a huff gets up off the couch and heads towards the bathroom to shower.
Without looking at DUSTIN, but pausing before entering the bathroom
Man Captain Kirk is cool. He banged some seriously hot ladies. No judgment.
Shut the fuck up DUSTIN. This was not about Captain Fucking Kirk. I’m taking a shower and I will be ready in 15 minutes
Beam me up,
Shane flips Dustin off.
February 28th, 2007 at 1:13 am
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
It’s a calculated mess. The floor is cluttered with assorted boxes; labeled ‘DVDs’ to ‘memeribilia’. For being a small and empty room, there’s an insane amount of nu metal groups hanging by tacks or tape.
The doorknob shifts. We hear keys DROPPING, followed by CURSING.
SHANE, 22, enters the room, very blasé. Shane’s hair covers most of his heavy face; he adjusts his glasses. His shirt reads: FOR THE HORDE.
As if by instinct, he drops schoolbooks on a table, turns on the computer and heads out into the kitchen.
We stay with the computer booting up. The SMACK of a fridge door is heard O.S.
SHANE (O.S.) Fuck’s sake.
A box TEARS, a microvave BEEPS and HUMS. Box is DISCARDED.
Shane shuffles in, weaving through boxes and such, locking the door behind him and spreading himself on the bed.
The TV on top of the dresser CLICKS ON. Channel by channel, Shane spews out harsh one liners until he settles on Star Trek.
Shane folds his arms. He remains expressionless, under the television’s spell. We then follow his eyes in a REVERSE PAN to a screensaver of NAKED WOMEN eddying in and out upon more NAKED WOMEN.
ON TELEVISION: Chief Communications Officer, UHURA, doing her best to sound important.
ANGLE ON SHANE, weighing his options.
UHURA (on TV) Why don’t you tell me I’m an attractive young lady, or ask me if I’ve ever been in love.
A LOUD ZIP. Uhura’s voice is trailing off, dream-like.
UHURA (CONT’D) (on TV) Tell me how your planet Vulcan looks on a lazy evening when the moon is full.
Shane closes his eyes, his guard is completely down.
SHANE SPOCK Vulcan has no moon, Ms. Uhura. (on TV) Vulcan has no moon, Ms. Uhura.
Shane is swallowed by an underwater paced reverie.
INT. WHITE ROOM – CONTINUOUS
An empty room, save for Uhura – or what looks like a cheap knock off of the Communications Officer – in a sexy akimbo stance. She’s wearing dolphin shorts and a revealing top. She’s approaching us.
INT. SHANE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Shane’s cheeks begin to incarnadine; breathing increases.
INT. WHITE ROOM – CONTINUOUS
LIPS
Moistened by a sybaritic tongue.
ASS
Heart-shaped and teasing us.
TITS
Bounce, bounce, bounce.
INT. SHANE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Shirt tucked under his chin, Shane’s furiously going at it. While he’s huffing and puffing, we never actually see it.
INT. WHITE ROOM – CONTINUOUS
A beacon of light descends. Next to Uhura, the light dissolves into Kirstie Alley – wearing nothing but tassels and a thong.
INT. SHANE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Shane stops. Shrugs, and gets down to business.
INT. WHITE ROOM – CONTINUOUS
The two women know just how to seduce; overly sexy and catty.
UHURA I’m very surprised.
KIRSTIE (taunting us) Any suggestions, Admiral?
They laugh.
UHURA Permission to speak freely, ma’am?
KIRSTIE Granted.
UHURA Would you like to explore some strange new worlds with me?
Poppy space music starts PLAYING.
EXT. SPACE – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
The ladies, now wearing matching lycra suits, are doing the Charleston on top of a cruising ENTERPRISE. But it’s not exactly proportionate of their size, as they are having a hard time staying on top of it.
KIRK (V.O.) Captain’s log, stardate 1337.1.
INT. SHANE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Music ENDS. Shane’s sweating. He’s crying.
KIRK (V.O.) This is your Captain speaking.
INT. BLACK ROOM – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
The room is empty, save for a ruminative Kirk monopolizing this otherworldly limelight.
KIRK (cont’d) It’s not an easy task, Shane. Conserving freedom, conserving peace. One can’t help to embrace the derelict life of such a devious world, devious, apologetic people. Morally suspect; regally indulged in themselves. Subversion upon subversion, it’s enough. What am I to do? What can I, as captain do? Absolutely nothing.
INSERT CUT: Kirstie saying: “Oh no!�
INSERT CUT: Uhura saying: “Not Kirk!�
KIRK (CONT’D) This is the end of me, of this flagship. I am turning it over to you, Shane.
Kirk reacts. It’s a voice.
MAN’S VOICE HEY-O!
INT. SHANE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS
The voice belongs to a surprised DUSTIN, standing on the doorway. Behind him is SAM, TV dinner in hand.
SAM DUDE!
Shane, about to explode, snaps back to life. Blanches. We hear another ZIP. His shirt is hesitantly rolled back down.
SHANE Um… Wow.
An embarrassingly long pause.
DUSTIN Dude. You’re crying.
Shane hurriedly wipes his face.
SHANE I’m fucking not. (ponders) How’d you get in? Is that my Hungry-Man?
SAM Sounded like you were having a coronary.
DUSTIN I’m Dustin. Dick-ass back here’s Sam.
SAM Fuck you. (to Shane) You were masturbating to Star Wars? Gross, man.
DUSTIN Oh, by the way, your lock doesn’t work. There’s a mandatory meeting with the RA in like, ten minutes. So get ready.
SHANE Hey!
He stops them as they begin to leave.
DUSTIN Yeah?
SHANE Just to re-cap. You found me sleeping. Having a terrible nightmare. You know… (nervous laugh) Nothing that would make girls with nice racks double over in hysterical laughter everytime they see my face? Right?
DUSTIN Something like that.
SAM Dude, no worries.
SHANE Roomies for life!
SAM Mashed potatoes and gravy, man. (a silver lining) Unless your parents subscribe to The Village’s mailing list?
They leave. Shane, dry-heaving, reaches for his inhaler.
February 28th, 2007 at 1:17 am
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shane, in boxers and t-shirt, fishes a tube of Wet out of his desk. He turns on the tv and throws himself into a grody Ikea armchair. Grabs the remote, fires up a DVD of some very pink, very moist porn, then sets the remote on the arm of the chair.
Shane squirts a walnut of Wet into his right hand. Said hand vanishes from the frame, headed in the direction of Lil’ Shane.
Utterly absorbed, Shane doesn’t notice that the chair’s squeaky little skids, or the remote, tipping precariously towards the gap between chair and cushion.
The squeaks grow more urgent. The remote, jostled by Shane, drops into the chair, trapped under Shane’s jerking thigh. Squeak. Jostle. Squeak. Jostle. The slap of Wet. Squeak.
Abruptly, the TV switches to a bumper for “Star Trek: The Next Generation.� Shane moans, disconsolate. With his left hand, he fishes for the remote. Back from commercial, the show resumes.
ON SCREEN: Foxy Tasha Yar leans over Data.
Shane’s face goes slack. His left hand stops looking for the remote. The squeaking grows deafening.
The door opens. Dustin enters.
DUSTIN Shane, did you drink all the—GAH!
SHANE (lunges for tshirt) Aagh!
DUSTIN What are you- (looks around, sees TV) Are you masterbating to Star Trek?
SHANE No! (beat) Maybe.
DUSTIN That’s…that’s…is that Tasha Yar?
SHANE The Naked Now. Season One.
DUSTIN Oh, dude! The one where she and Data do it?
SHANE He is fully functional.
DUSTIN Or fully fuck-tional.
Sam enters.
SAM You guys! The Next Generation where Tasha Yar booty calls Data- (sees the tv) So what, now you’re watching Trek without me?
SHANE I’m not watching Trek!
DUSTIN He’s whacking off.
SHANE Only until Mister Never Knocks interrupted me.
SAM You’re masturbating to Trek?
SHANE Maybe. (beat) Okay, yes! But only because Tasha Yar was on.
SAM I’d hit that.
DUSTIN Strong call.
They bump fists.
SHANE Get the fuck out!
DUSTIN Do you want us to Tivo it?
SHANE Out!
February 28th, 2007 at 3:04 am
I can’t believe I’m doing this… rolls eyes
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Shane crosses the room to his computer station, throws down his keys, clicks the TV remote — Star Trek plays — and toggles the mouse. The computer screen comes to life revealing broadband porn.
Which to chose? … STAR TREK … or … COMPUTER PORN … Porn wins.
We hear his zipper clearly above the moans and Kirk’s speachifying. Shane tucks his shirt under his chin — lets his trousers slip round his ankles. Arching towards the computer screen, butt towards us, he begins to masturbate.
Phaser zaps and shouts from the TV. After a moment Shane registers the noise, slows his rhythm and turns to watch the battle. It’s a good episode. Shane returns to the porn and speeds his stroke, frenzied, hurrying.
The noise of the battle hots up. Shane pauses to look … turns back to the computer, pace slower, even, more determined … it’s no good, he has to watch Trek, but he’s so aroused … he snatches glances at each while he concentrates on achieving ecstasy.
Trek really is good. He turns to the TV, breathing raged, fully aroused, he’s nearly there —
The door opens. Dustin and Sam wander in.
DUSTIN Hey-a Shane.
SHANE Ah!
SAM Hey Shane.
DUSTIN Ah!
SHANE Ah!
SAM Ah!
DUSTIN Ah!
SHANE Ah!
DUSTIN What the hell are you doing, Shane?
SHANE Masturbating?
SAM Were you just masturbating to Star Trek?
SHANE No, I had it on but I was masturbating to this inoffensive porn on my computer why the fuck didn’t you guys knock?
SAM Settle down there, Shane.
SHANE (mocking voice) Were you just masturbating to Star Trek? No, I wasn’t just masturbating to Star Trek! You have no right to come in here, in my house and just start accusing me of things I’m not doing!
DUSTIN Were you going to time it so you came when the crew beamed back to the ship?
SHANE Get the fuck out of here!
February 28th, 2007 at 3:12 am
Darn it! That should have read ‘Dustin and Samantha wander in.’
February 28th, 2007 at 6:01 am
EXT. SHANE’S HOUSE – DAY
Dustin and Sam cross the overgrown lawn and pass by an open window. A familiar sound wafts out to their ears.
THE OPENING THEME TO STAR TREK
but something about it doesn’t sound quite right.
Dustin and Sam approach the window, peer inside and see…
Shane, naked except for a reproduction Captain Kirk uniform shirt, standing in front of a plasma TV singing along with the theme song of Star Trek. He is masturbating.
Dustin opens his mouth to say something. Sam clamps his hand over Dustin’s mouth, puts his index finger to his lips and gestures for Dustin to follow.
INT. SHANE’S HOUSE – ENTRY
Sam eases the door shut and follows Dustin into the…
LIVING ROOM
where Shane is really working the lumber, his back to Dustin and Sam. On the screen UHURA gets up from her control panel and walks to KIRK. Shane’s right hand moves faster.
SHANE Now, that’s what I’m talking about.
Dustin and Sam can’t contain themselves. They explode in laughter.
Shane spins around. Dustin and Sam laugh harder. Shane stretches the uniform shirt down.
SHANE What the fuck, guys?
DUSTIN Didn’t know you were such a fan.
SAM Beam me up, Scotty.
Shane grabs a pair of pants from a chair and slips into them.
SHANE Fuck off. Who invited you anyway? Get out of here.
Dustin raises his hands in surrender and backs up.
DUSTIN Excuse us. We’ll come back after you’ve finished playing with your Uhura.
Shane picks up the TV remote and fires it at Dustin. It hits Sam in the forehead.
February 28th, 2007 at 7:12 am
Sorry for breaking your website there Mr. August. Perhaps a handy guide to what does what in terms of formatting in these little content boxes would be a good addition.
After about the 15th round, I began to approach these more clinically, but I have to admit: anytime male genitals are called “junk” I laugh. And Harriet’s line “Strong call” made me snort.
February 28th, 2007 at 7:49 am
The Irredescent Itch (The Enemy Down Below) by Black Romulan (Michael M. Byrd)
INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT SHANE enters his small apartment, pitching his keys into a chain jar on the boxy TV haunting the studio. The TV is tuned to a Trekie rerun, “The Enemy Within” which Shane continually glances at as her boots up his computer on the opposite side of the room. The CRT flashes pornographic images; Shane, standing, begins to surf for more porn.
Shane begins to masturbate focusing first on the TV, then on the PC. Shane’s right arm begins to rhymicly shake himself faster, his back to the screen and breathing labored. Shane is seen only from the top of the butt up, his pants down and shirt tails tucked under his chin.
Shane, squint-eyed, now realizes the TV is tuned to Scotty working the transporter array. Shane’s eyes widen and hand pace falters, but doesn’t stop.
He turns away from the TV and redoubles his focus on the porn. His constant jerking motion speeds up as bound by duty. The program’s incidental music boils louder and catches Shane’s attention. The TV now shows Spock looking logical; Shane looks back from the TV as if to say, “Damn!”
Suddenly the television flashes Kirk roughly embracing some nondescript Starfleet babe and Shane focus shifts more towards the TV and less towards the internet porn. His never-ceasing jerking becomes deliberate in time with the classic Star Trek battle music ebbing in the background.
O.S. Kirk is wrestling some red-shirted Ensign, the 60s ingénue looking on; Shane is now in time with the music and has all but forgotten the computer porn. Shane is near climax when DUSTIN wanders aimlessly in, followed by SAM, from his blind side.
DUSTIN Hey-a Shane.
SHANE (EYES WIDE SHUT) Ah!
SAM Sup, Shane?
DUSTIN Dude? Whatcha doing?
SHANE (VOICE TRAILING) Ah!…Ah!…
Sam approaches the TV set searching for the remote control still not realizing what Shane is doing. Dustin heads off to the attached kitchenette to raid the icebox.
SAM C’mon, Shane…the Nuggets game is about to come on
DUSTIN Dude? What happened to all the beer?
SHANE Ah!…Ah!…Ah!… Dustin shrugs open a beer, turning back to Shane, who is shuddering from near release.
DUSTIN What the hell are you doing, Shane?
SHANE Jerkin’ off…what does it look like?
SAM To Star Trek?
SHANE No, I had it on but I was masturbating to this inoffensive porn on my computer why the fuck didn’t you guys knock?
SAM Settle down there, Shane. Just joking with ya…
SHANE (PINCHES FINGERS) Yeah…but I was like…THAT close
DUSTIN (WITH A CHUCKLE) Yeah, Gorn get me all hot and bothered too. Next time try a Vulcan grip on your little Ferengi, Dude. Works every time.
SHANE (PULLING PANTS UP) Just hand me a towel, would ya?
SAM Don’t you mean, “Make it so?�
SHANE Nice…
February 28th, 2007 at 7:53 am
INT. SHANE’S HOUSE – DAY
Dustin walks in on Shane jerking off to an old Star Trek episode.
DUSTIN Dude, are you jerking off to an old Star Trek episode?
SHANE (not looking over) Uh huh…
DUSTIN Cool.
Dustin unzips his pants and joins him.
DUSTIN Shatner or Nimoy?
SHANE What?
DUSTIN Shatner or Nimoy?
SHANE Uhura, dude! C’mon!
DUSTIN Oh. Right. That’s what I was going to say to. Trick question. (looking back at TV) C’mon, Leonard…arch your back…that’s right…
SHANE DUDE!?!
DUSTIN What?
SHANE It’s great to see you.
DUSTIN You too.
They continue about their business.
February 28th, 2007 at 8:21 am
The deadline has passed. I’ll be announcing the winner later today.