John

Blingons and despair

February 28, 2007 Awards, Challenge, Follow Up

[scene challenge] Measured by the number of entries, the first-ever [John August Scene Challenge](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/masturbating-to-star-trek) was a surprising success. In terms of quality, well, there was a disappointing sameness that I’m going to blame on the limited nature of the assignment.

Many entries were just a slightly-better version of the existing scene. While a lot of rewriting is polishing and optimizing, a challenge like this one should be seen as a call to arms. Fortune favors the bold, because really, what have you got to lose trying an outlandish approach? It’s not like you’re going to get voted off.Why hasn’t there been a competitive reality show about screenwriting? Oh, that’s right, because it would be incredibly boring.

That’s why I’m handing first place to Liz ([#57](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/masturbating-to-star-trek#comment-52995)), who went in a vastly different direction with the scene. It’s not perfect, but it’s disturbing in an interesting way, which counts for a lot. It’s like American Pie as remade by Lars Von Trier.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Lying in a hospital bed is all that remains of Shane, 19, former college athlete. A chart at the foot of his bed lists his diagnosis as bacterial meningitis, and chronicles a horrifying list of failed treatments and emergency surgeries he has undergone since his admission three days ago. Both his legs and his left arm are now amputated, bandaged-wrapped stumps.

Shane lies in bed, staring off into space. In the background, a television set bolted to the wall is playing an old episode of Star Trek. Shane begins to focus in on the television. The vacant expression on his face is slowly replaced by one of annoyance.

SCOTTY

I cannae do it, Captain! Not in three hours!

KIRK

We need that warp drive, Mr. Scott, and we need it now!

Shane’s eyes drift to where the remote control is located, on a small table to the left of his hospital bed. He moves his left arm-stump, attempting to get at it, but can’t.

SCOTTY

But sir, it’s impossible! You cannae change the laws of physics!

Making an heroic effort, Shane reaches across his body with his good right arm, and attempts to grab the remote. Unfortunately his effort knocks it on the floor. Shane slumps back on his pillow, staring at the ceiling and trying not to cry. He makes a concerted effort to think about something else. Meanwhile, the Star Trek has moved on to a scene with Kirk and a beautiful alien. Shane doesn’t want to watch, but can’t help it. There’s nothing he can do about it.

A quirky expression crosses Shane’s face as he suddenly realizes there may yet be something fun within his reach. He steals a glance around the room. An elderly man on a respirator is asleep in the next bed, but there are no nurses in sight. With his remaining good hand, Shane reaches underneath his sheets, and begins quietly pleasuring himself. He closes his eyes, enjoying it.

SAM

Shane!

Shane’s eyes pop open to see DUSTIN(19) and SAM(20) standing over his hospital bed, aghast.

DUSTIN

Oh my God.

SHANE

(embarrassed)

Guys! Uh, this isn’t as bad as it looks.

Sam and Dustin are speechless.

DUSTIN

Dude... That’s quite possibly the bravest thing I think I’ve ever heard anyone say.

SHANE

What?

SAM

You’re cut to pieces and you nearly died, and it’s not as bad as it looks?

SHANE

Oh... No, I mean, I wasn’t just, uh, whackin’ it to Star Trek... That’s just what’s on... The remote’s on the floor there...

SAM

(not knowing whether to laugh or cry)

Jesus.

A beat.

DUSTIN

It’s good to know you still got all the important parts.

SHANE

Guess I’m just lucky that way.

SAM

Dude, you could totally get a job as a sperm donor. I heard they pay fifty bucks a load!

SHANE

Oh yeah? I’m there, man.

Shane’s false bravado is slipping, and he barely gets out the previous line. He turns his head away from his buddies, and rubs his eyes against his left shoulder-stump.

DUSTIN

(glaring at Sam accusingly, but speaking to Shane)

We’ll come by later. We should let you get some rest.

SHANE

(still not looking at them as Dustin hurries Sam out)

Thanks, guys.

Alone again, with his masturbating success now overshadowed by the bleakness of his future prospects, Shane weeps silently, tears running down his cheeks and pooling on the bed.

Of the more conventional entries, my favorite was probably by Eric Szyszka ([#18](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/masturbating-to-star-trek#comment-52758)), who recognized that since the audience fully expects Shane to get caught whacking off, the real opportunity comes in reaching for unexpected references. In this case, Blingons.

INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

SHANE, 20’s, sits in front of his laptop. Circles encase his sleep-deprived eyes as he types away at his keyboard. A TV set blares in the background; he ignores it.

“Term paper” rests in the upper left-hand corner of the page.

Shane checks the time 6:30 AM. Early sunlight peeks through the window.

He suddenly gets a pop-up ad. A nude woman.

His brow raises and he clicks it.

ON SCREEN

A small chested woman.

SHANE

Mm, not bad. Not really my-

Shane stops in his tracks as he leers up to the TV.

ON TELEVISION

MARINA SIRTIS, portraying Counselor Deanna Troi in a low-cut top, is featured prominently in the shot.

Shane’s lips curl in delight. He starts to masturbate.

ON TELEVISION

LIEUTENANT WORF enters the scene.

Shane suddenly jumps back and grabs his remote.

SHANE

Thank god for TiVo.

He rewinds the scene.

Shane resumes.

DUSTIN, 20’s, Shane’s roommate, abruptly enters the room.

DUSTIN

You wouldn’t believe where I woke up this morning! Do you remember Cynthia?

ON TELEVISION

Lieutenant Worf enters the scene, just as before.

Dustin notices Shane.

DUSTIN

Jesus Christ, dude!

Shane quickly covers himself.

SHANE

Don’t you fucking knock?

DUSTIN

It’s my room too, dick. Wait a second, you jerk off to Blingons?

SHANE

NO!

(beat)

What the fuck is a Blingon?

DUSTIN

Black Klingon.

SHANE

Bling? That’s so wrong.

DUSTIN

Uh, no. B is for black, racist, not “black men wear jewelry.”

(beat)

This is too good not to wake Sam over.

Dustin bangs on the wall.

DUSTIN

Hey, Sam! Shane’s beats it to Blingons.

SAM (O.S.)

WHAT?

Sam staggers in; half asleep.

SAM

Dude, you like Michael Dorn?

SHANE

No, you fucking assholes. Okay, I was jerking off, you caught me. But I wasn’t doing it to Klingon or Blingons or whatever, okay? This is what I was jerking off to.

Shane rewinds the episode too far.

ON TELEVISION

The TiVo freezes on a frame of WESLEY CRUSHER – A 15 year old boy.

SAM

And goodnight.

Sam exits.

SHANE

No! It wasn’t-

Dustin starts to leave.

DUSTIN

I’m putting in a housing transfer.

I’m impressed by all the readers who took the time to enter.Yes, I did read the ones that came in late, or got eaten by the virtual dog. Notably, nearly every scene was better than original, which should give Shane plenty of ammunition to say, “Suck it, Sam.” I fully plan to do this again with a bit more open-ended assignment.

Do you agree or disagree with my assessments? The comments section is your chance to stump for what you think should have won. Just keep in mind that campaigning for your own entry is lame, and will probably be exposed.

The Week in Review

February 22, 2007 Los Angeles, News, Projects, The Nines

It’s been a busy week, and the next few days promise to be equally action-packed. So I thought I’d do a quick recap before two weeks go by without any real updates.

Boulder
====
I gave a lecture on screenwriting at the [Boulder International Film Festival](http://biff1.com). It’s always weird going back to your home town, and even stranger going back as the resident expert in a field. The talk went well, with many good questions in the follow-up.

Family obligations kept me from seeing any movies at the festival, though my brother enjoyed Air Guitar Nation.

Obama
====

Barack Obama’s campaign visit to Los Angeles included a fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton. All of the articles about it somehow overlooked that I was there too, elbow-to-elbow with billionaires and movie stars. But that’s probably a good thing. After my trip to Boulder, it was nice to be reduced to my proper role: observer.

And from what I observed, Obama’s wife Michelle is the underestimated force here. Yes, Barack Obama is a terrific speaker, but Michelle is funnier. Together, they feel like they came from an alterate-universe Earth where hope prevails.

Dugg
====

My article about [what I learned from World of Warcraft](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/seven-things-warcraft) got linked on [Digg](http://digg.com/movies/Seven_Things_I_Learned_from_World_of_Warcraft_2), which predictably overwhelmed the poor servers and made the site run very slowly for a day or two.It would have been a lot worse if I hadn’t installed a plug-in which automatically cached the page on Coral. The graphs tell the story:

page views

dugg trends

The fact that I was out of town was an added complication, particularly when I found I had linked to the wrong David Allen, who was upset to be getting false hits.

What did I learn from being Dugg? First, it’s important to have the right initiator. The first Digg-er put the article in the video category, which was clearly a mistake, but that led all future hits that way. Fortunately, frequent commenter [Andreas Climent](http://digg.com/users/andreascliment/news/dugg) got it set right.

Second, the discussion on the Digg thread inevitably focuses back on itself, rather than the story being linked. One commenter posted a highly-edited summary of the article which completely missed the point, and no amount of correction on the part of other readers could get it back on track.

The Nines
====
Optimum Releasing bought the movie for the U.K., with other deals set to be announced soon. It’s this post-post-production phase that I hadn’t anticipated being so busy. This week, we’re working on French subtitles. Comment dit-ons “nervous breakdown”?

The Next Movie I’m Writing
====
The deal’s not done, but my earlier allusions to D.C. mythology (and alternate Earths) were project-specific. I hope to be able to say what it is soon. And yes, it’s cruel of me to leave it floating out there.

Writing for the very small screen

February 13, 2007 Film Industry, QandA

I just read a great article by David Denby of the New Yorker on the quickly shifting “end-user” experience in cinema. He bemoans the technology convergence that has squeezed the Hollywood blockbuster into his 2″ square video iPod screen.

Whereas he is uncomfortable with the physics (and optics) of viewing content from handheld devices, he sees the youngest generation of consumers as “platform agnostic,” willing to contort themselves into “pretzels… cuddling it under the covers after lights-out.”

He points out that the length of a 50’s pop single was “influenced by what would fit on a forty-five-r.p.m. seven-inch disk” and that “the length and the episodic structure of the Victorian novel—Dickens’s novels, especially—were at least partly created by writers and editors working on deadline for monthly periodicals. Television, for a variety of commercial and spatial reasons, developed the single-set or two-set sitcom. Format always affects form, and the exhibition space changes what’s exhibited.”

Now my question for you. What’s your perspective on format affecting form? Will you ever write for 2″x2″?

–John
Los Angeles

Yes, for two reasons.

The first is because I have absolutely no choice in the matter. Every movie and TV show created will eventually play on iPod and similar screens. And soon after, on virtual-screen ~~googles~~ goggles, holographic projectors, and direct-input brain jacks. With the arrival of new technology, the past isn’t rewritten. It’s simply reformatted.

But the second reason I’ll write for the very small screen is less pessimistic. I think there’s an opportunity for a new kind of storytelling suited to the more-intimate experience of watching a screen 12 inches from your face. Just as television developed its own storytelling grammar–deliberate act breaks, season arcs, a reliance on close-ups–the iPod and mobile phone media will demand their own unique ways of telling a story.

Today’s teenagers are often slammed for having short attention spans, but I think the real change is that a generation weaned on the internet, DVD and TiVo isn’t willing to surrender control of entertainment.I’d call them “actively passive.” They want to watch, but they want to be doing something else at the same time. It’s impossible to read a novel while watching “Two a Days,” but a magazine like EW is a perfect fit. And while it’s unconscionable to text message in a movie theater,Seriously, this is where I become Cranky Old Man. This is not your living room. Shut off your damn phone and watch the movie. I admire how the mobile generation never disconnects from their tribe(s).

In the next few years, someone (maybe MTV) will develop the tiny-screen equivalent of Must See TV, something that is uniquely tailored to iPods and the generation who can’t imagine life before them. It will be interesting to witness not only how the format develops, but what impact it will have on big-screen movies. (Which, for the record, I believe will still exist 10, 20 and 50 years from now.)

Eddie Murphy on Parade

February 4, 2007 Parade

Several readers have expressed bewilderment at this site’s [weekly Parade feature](http://johnaugust.com/archives/category/parade/), asking, “What is the point, exactly?”

That’s a question worthy of koan-like contemplation: can utter pointlessness have a point?

International readers in particular have no frame of reference for Parade, so let me offer the briefest of introductions. Parade comes free in the Sunday paper. (No one would ever buy it.) Its feature story is generally about one of three topics: a threat to your family, a threat to your health, or how great America is.The perfect Parade cover story would hit the trifecta: “How one small town stopped a deadly disease that was killing our kids.” In addition to the uniquely unfunny [Howard Huge](http://www.howardhuge.com/) comic, Parade includes Marilyn Vos Savant, an ageless woman who claims to be clever.

But the most delicious part of Parade is right inside the cover: Walter Scott’s Personality Parade. It’s a Q and A about random celebrities and detritus of popular culture, with very wide latitude for topicality. Some might look at the improbable phrasing of the “reader questions” and conclude that they’re simply fabricated by a soulless publicity machine.

But I choose to believe.

I choose to believe that average Americans are dying to know more information about Phil Collins’s new girlfriend, yet are incapable of the most rudimentary Google searches. I choose to believe that it is complete coincidence that a reader in Bumfucket expresses curiosity about a minor actor’s next role the exact week said actor’s new TV movie airs.

And because of my deliberate and irrational naivete, I choose to see my weekly re-answering of Parade questions not as parody or satire, but a celebration of pointless celebrity gawking. Parade’s journalism is like Las Vegas’s architecture: empty, false and kind of fascinating.

Now that I’ve answered the meta-questions,The other frequent question is why I turn off comments on the Parade articles. The answer is simple: just to frustrate you. let’s begin with this week’s installment, which originally ran in the [January 14th](http://www.parade.com/articles/editions/2007/edition_01-14-2007/Personality_Parade) issue.

What do you make of Eddie Murphy’s claim that his divorce inspired his Oscar-worthy Dreamgirls performance?—Sam Rush, Kailua, Hawaii

Great question, Sam. By asking, “What do you make of it?” you invite skepticism, yet keep the door open for just about any answer. Personally, I can’t imagine a celebrity lying for any reason, so I take Eddie at his word.

Could you tell me how the ’50s film star Jeff Chandler died?—Winnona Evanauski, Holton, Mich.

Shortly after completing his role in Merrill’s Marauders (1962), Chandler entered a Culver City hospital and had surgery for a spinal disc herniation on May 13, 1961. There were severe complications, an artery was damaged and Chandler hemorrhaged. In a seven and a half hour emergency operation over and above the original surgery, he was given an enormous amount of blood, 55 pints. Another operation followed, date unknown, where he received an additional 20 pints of blood. An average adult has about 14 to 18 pints of blood, so his entire blood volume was replaced 4 to 5 times! Chandler fought hard to live, but expired June 17, 1961. His death was deemed malpractice and resulted in a large lawsuit and settlement for his children. Tony Curtis and Gerald Mohr were pallbearers at Chandler’s funeral.

Do you know where I found this information? An amazing website I discovered called [Wikipedia](http://wikipedia.org). Be careful, though. It’s apparently written by ordinary people, as opposed to professionals like Walter Scott.

I saw a trailer for The Painted Veil, with real-life couple Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber. Did they meet on that film?—Diane Silver, Canton, Ohio

Diane, you saw a _trailer_ for a movie, and really think it’s worth bothering our nationwide readership with your silly question? How’s this: spend your $9 to see the friggin’ movie, and if you’re still curious, then maybe Walter can get your answer.

You asked readers to respond to your selections of the Top 10 football players of all time. What were the results?—Thomas T., Cedar Rapids, Iowa

100% agreement. Parade readers know better than to disagree with their intellectual superiors, be they real or fabricated.

Sean Bean, best known as heroic Boromir in Lord of the Rings, plays a sadistic kidnapper in a remake of The Hitcher. What drew him to the role?—Joanna Jones, Columbus, Ohio

Personal experience. “Back in the early 90’s, I went through a phase where I liked to pick up hitchhikers and put them through psychological torture,” says the classically-trained Bean, 47. “This was a chance to revisit those days.” Would he let his 8-year old daughter watch the film? “No, she’s too young.”

Kristin Chenoweth won rave reviews for The Apple Tree, now on Broadway. What’s next for the talented singer?—D. Silver, Devon, Pa.

Dinner. She’s thinking about having a salad. But the salmon looks really good, too. It’s just so hard to decide. What are you having?

Jaime Pressly, who plays Joy on My Name Is Earl, is pregnant. Who’s the father?—Tammy M., Detroit, Mich.

Surprisingly, Earl. “A lot of people wonder how I could have gotten pregnant by a fictional character,” says Pressly, 29. “But look at Mary and Jesus. I mean, it’s completely presidential. (sic)” It’s also a reminder that no method of birth control is 100% effective.

Ivanka Trump is back with her dad this month on The Apprentice. Does she also intend to continue modeling?—Theresa Vaughn, Cleveland, Ohio

If by “modeling,” you mean her father’s history of dating beautiful women who somehow tolerate his presence despite his being physically and spiritually repellent, then no.

After seeing Home of the Brave, I’m curious: How does 50 Cent rate the demands of acting vs. rapping?—Matt Z., West Chester, Pa.

“It’s not a literal thing, you know what I mean? Everything, if you give yourself over to it, eventually transcends into something artistic and that’s always a world that is a bit gray and indefinable. You do all the kind of concrete work that you can do, the documentaries or the audio tapes or the visuals or what you read, you interview people. I keep saying I put myself alone in a room four months before we started to shoot and tried to get in that room everyday for an hour or two with all these materials that I had and everything I could, and just start working. And what that is, is something that I had to figure out. A lot of it was practice and things like that of technical stuff. But ultimately all that had to be one. Where it wasn’t just imitation, it wasn’t just mimicry, it was creating a character. A real guy and it was trial and error.”

Actually, that was [Philip Seymour Hoffman](http://movies.about.com/od/capote/a/capoteph092505.htm). Trust me, you don’t want to ask 50 Cent about the craft.

« Previous Page