Blingons and despair
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Measured by the number of entries, the first-ever John August Scene Challenge was a surprising success. In terms of quality, well, there was a disappointing sameness that I’m going to blame on the limited nature of the assignment.
Many entries were just a slightly-better version of the existing scene. While a lot of rewriting is polishing and optimizing, a challenge like this one should be seen as a call to arms. Fortune favors the bold, because really, what have you got to lose trying an outlandish approach? It’s not like you’re going to get voted off.1
That’s why I’m handing first place to Liz (#57), who went in a vastly different direction with the scene. It’s not perfect, but it’s disturbing in an interesting way, which counts for a lot. It’s like American Pie as remade by Lars Von Trier.
- INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
- Lying in a hospital bed is all that remains of Shane, 19, former college athlete. A chart at the foot of his bed lists his diagnosis as bacterial meningitis, and chronicles a horrifying list of failed treatments and emergency surgeries he has undergone since his admission three days ago. Both his legs and his left arm are now amputated, bandaged-wrapped stumps.
- Shane lies in bed, staring off into space. In the background, a television set bolted to the wall is playing an old episode of Star Trek. Shane begins to focus in on the television. The vacant expression on his face is slowly replaced by one of annoyance.
- SCOTTY
- I cannae do it, Captain! Not in three hours!
- KIRK
- We need that warp drive, Mr. Scott, and we need it now!
- Shane’s eyes drift to where the remote control is located, on a small table to the left of his hospital bed. He moves his left arm-stump, attempting to get at it, but can’t.
- SCOTTY
- But sir, it’s impossible! You cannae change the laws of physics!
- Making an heroic effort, Shane reaches across his body with his good right arm, and attempts to grab the remote. Unfortunately his effort knocks it on the floor. Shane slumps back on his pillow, staring at the ceiling and trying not to cry. He makes a concerted effort to think about something else. Meanwhile, the Star Trek has moved on to a scene with Kirk and a beautiful alien. Shane doesn’t want to watch, but can’t help it. There’s nothing he can do about it.
- A quirky expression crosses Shane’s face as he suddenly realizes there may yet be something fun within his reach. He steals a glance around the room. An elderly man on a respirator is asleep in the next bed, but there are no nurses in sight. With his remaining good hand, Shane reaches underneath his sheets, and begins quietly pleasuring himself. He closes his eyes, enjoying it.
- SAM
- Shane!
- Shane’s eyes pop open to see DUSTIN(19) and SAM(20) standing over his hospital bed, aghast.
- DUSTIN
- Oh my God.
- SHANE
- (embarrassed)
- Guys! Uh, this isn’t as bad as it looks.
- Sam and Dustin are speechless.
- DUSTIN
- Dude… That’s quite possibly the bravest thing I think I’ve ever heard anyone say.
- SHANE
- What?
- SAM
- You’re cut to pieces and you nearly died, and it’s not as bad as it looks?
- SHANE
- Oh… No, I mean, I wasn’t just, uh, whackin’ it to Star Trek… That’s just what’s on… The remote’s on the floor there…
- SAM
- (not knowing whether to laugh or cry)
- Jesus.
- A beat.
- DUSTIN
- It’s good to know you still got all the important parts.
- SHANE
- Guess I’m just lucky that way.
- SAM
- Dude, you could totally get a job as a sperm donor. I heard they pay fifty bucks a load!
- SHANE
- Oh yeah? I’m there, man.
- Shane’s false bravado is slipping, and he barely gets out the previous line. He turns his head away from his buddies, and rubs his eyes against his left shoulder-stump.
- DUSTIN
- (glaring at Sam accusingly, but speaking to Shane)
- We’ll come by later. We should let you get some rest.
- SHANE
- (still not looking at them as Dustin hurries Sam out)
- Thanks, guys.
- Alone again, with his masturbating success now overshadowed by the bleakness of his future prospects, Shane weeps silently, tears running down his cheeks and pooling on the bed.
Of the more conventional entries, my favorite was probably by Eric Szyszka (#18), who recognized that since the audience fully expects Shane to get caught whacking off, the real opportunity comes in reaching for unexpected references. In this case, Blingons.
- INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
- SHANE, 20’s, sits in front of his laptop. Circles encase his sleep-deprived eyes as he types away at his keyboard. A TV set blares in the background; he ignores it.
- “Term paper” rests in the upper left-hand corner of the page.
- Shane checks the time 6:30 AM. Early sunlight peeks through the window.
- He suddenly gets a pop-up ad. A nude woman.
- His brow raises and he clicks it.
- ON SCREEN
- A small chested woman.
- SHANE
- Mm, not bad. Not really my–
- Shane stops in his tracks as he leers up to the TV.
- ON TELEVISION
- MARINA SIRTIS, portraying Counselor Deanna Troi in a low-cut top, is featured prominently in the shot.
- Shane’s lips curl in delight. He starts to masturbate.
- ON TELEVISION
- LIEUTENANT WORF enters the scene.
- Shane suddenly jumps back and grabs his remote.
- SHANE
- Thank god for TiVo.
- He rewinds the scene.
- Shane resumes.
- DUSTIN, 20’s, Shane’s roommate, abruptly enters the room.
- DUSTIN
- You wouldn’t believe where I woke up this morning! Do you remember Cynthia?
- ON TELEVISION
- Lieutenant Worf enters the scene, just as before.
- Dustin notices Shane.
- DUSTIN
- Jesus Christ, dude!
- Shane quickly covers himself.
- SHANE
- Don’t you fucking knock?
- DUSTIN
- It’s my room too, dick. Wait a second, you jerk off to Blingons?
- SHANE
- NO!
- (beat)
- What the fuck is a Blingon?
- DUSTIN
- Black Klingon.
- SHANE
- Bling? That’s so wrong.
- DUSTIN
- Uh, no. B is for black, racist, not “black men wear jewelry.”
- (beat)
- This is too good not to wake Sam over.
- Dustin bangs on the wall.
- DUSTIN
- Hey, Sam! Shane’s beats it to Blingons.
- SAM (O.S.)
- WHAT?
- Sam staggers in; half asleep.
- SAM
- Dude, you like Michael Dorn?
- SHANE
- No, you fucking assholes. Okay, I was jerking off, you caught me. But I wasn’t doing it to Klingon or Blingons or whatever, okay? This is what I was jerking off to.
- Shane rewinds the episode too far.
- ON TELEVISION
- The TiVo freezes on a frame of WESLEY CRUSHER – A 15 year old boy.
- SAM
- And goodnight.
- Sam exits.
- SHANE
- No! It wasn’t–
- Dustin starts to leave.
- DUSTIN
- I’m putting in a housing transfer.
I’m impressed by all the readers who took the time to enter.2 Notably, nearly every scene was better than original, which should give Shane plenty of ammunition to say, “Suck it, Sam.” I fully plan to do this again with a bit more open-ended assignment.
Do you agree or disagree with my assessments? The comments section is your chance to stump for what you think should have won. Just keep in mind that campaigning for your own entry is lame, and will probably be exposed.
- Why hasn’t there been a competitive reality show about screenwriting? Oh, that’s right, because it would be incredibly boring. ↩
- Yes, I did read the ones that came in late, or got eaten by the virtual dog. ↩
Articles
February 28th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
What the Fudge Bundtcake is a Blingon?
Signed
Michael M. Byrd aka “Black Romulan” (see ST:TNG “The Pegasus”)
February 28th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Sorry, don’t mean to spam. Just wanted to make one constructive comment: Thanks J. A. for the interesting exercise. It was great practice, and now that I see what you were going for (in the winning entries) I am looking forward to the next such contest (Dude, you GOT to do another contest sometime soon).
Thanks for being the New Jack Screenwriting Guru. Bling Blingon!
February 28th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
I started to add “Amok Time” references in my first drafts (yes I did drafts!) but figured everyone would do Amok Time. Turns out Amok Time references were beaten out by Tribbles references. Ah well.
No, overall I agree with your assesment, though I liked Craig’s entry as well. It was as funny as the other conventional entries, while being brief. In terms of just giving you a better version of the existing scene, it was my favorite.
February 28th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Personally, I liked entry #26. That was the one that made me LOL. Granted, his description wasn’t necessary, but I loved the economy of it and it felt like a scene that would have fit into a full length script.
That’s just my opinion.
I did not see your #1 choice in the list and agree that it was extremely well written and boldly original - considering the source material.
Loved this challenge, I hope you have more.
February 28th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Congrats…nobody beats it like Liz!
February 28th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Her description goes against the “try to keep it to 4 lines max” rule, so I felt it was a bit heavy, but ehhh… cest la vie
I thought I had a shot being the only one starting with EXT vs INT, but I’ll get you next time… mark my words
February 28th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
Congrats to Liz — and thanks to John for the interesting exercise. Would have been interesting to see your own version though!
February 28th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
OMG! I won, I won! ALL YOUR BRAGGING RIGHTS ARE BELONG TO ME! Squeal!
I couldn’t be more thrilled, this is the first time I’ve ever won a screenwriting contest of any sort.
There are so many people I have to thank! I’d like to begin by thanking Andrew Rosenstein, whose entry made me laugh so hard I knew I’d never be able to beat it. Forcing Shane into a position where he’d rather have his friends think he was masturbating to Star Trek than to “hot man-on-man action” was just great, and your scene had the added advantage of being otherwise short and sweet. Good job!
Secondly, I’d like to thank MSNBC for running this story: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17277734/. Having decided comedy was out, it was a stretch to figure out any situation in which a character masturbating would NOT automatically be funny. Luckily for me, I had just read this story and was able to find my inspiration there.
Finally, I’d like to thank John August for choosing me. Thank-you so much, John, you really made my day!
And on a public health note (since that is actually the field I work in): if you found this scene disturbing, please remember to have your college-aged children vaccinated for meningitis. The vaccination typically costs around $100 on college campuses, but it’s well worth it.
February 28th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
“competitive reality show about screenwriting”
What about Project Greenlight? The latest Australian version included a decent amount of focus on the script, including script workshops for the finalists, as well as pitching session with the judges.
February 28th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
Who would have guessed that Liz’s scene was just a cleverly disguised PSA all along?
You know, I thought this whole thing was just a ploy to get us to reveal
what kind of Star Trek related fantasies we harbor.
John, I hope you will delete the evidence as soon as possible.
February 28th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
Thanks, John. It is really an honor. I’m quite surprised as well. Glad you enjoyed it.
February 28th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
Just one question: why so much use of the word “dude” across all the entries?
The mediocrity of my own entry makes me sad.
Looking forward to the next one…
February 28th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
open ended is better –just saying.
February 28th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Right choice made! Lesson learned- think outside the proverbial box, eh?
February 28th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Aren’t all Klingons black?
February 28th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
Just to answer Johnny — No. Exhibit A: Christopher Plummer.
February 28th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
The one that made me laugh the most was Dan Samiljan’s.
I thought it was supposed to be making a short, concise version of what was already there. I figured if you handed the scene back to the writer, you wouldn’t want to hand him something completely different than what he wrote. Anyway, I’ll use more creative freedom next time.
February 28th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
Isn’t Christopher Plummer black…?
February 28th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Please run another one of these soon, John, it was a good fun exercise, and also interesting to read many, many peoples different take on the scene.
Sadly, my entry missed the deadline. I have no dog to blame for eating it, but I will blame the confusing time differences between the US and UK, not to mention the fact I misread 8am for 8pm, and therefore when I smugly thought I had a couple of hours to spare, was in fact many hours late.
Anyway, I look forward to the next happening of this. And well done, Liz!
February 28th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
That “blingons” term had me laughing for quite a while. I hope we get lots more scene challenges, this was really entertaining.
February 28th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
I sort of thought that as a lesson for the original writer a simple re-write that cut out the fat, and wrote the scene clean — but showed the same thing, would have been better. Something along the lines of, “here’s how to write what you’re trying to show, but more economically, and more clear.”
By re-writing the whole thing you lose the lesson, which I think should have been more about script technique (which the original writer needed serious help with) instead of story-telling or imagination, which might be better to focus on after mastering the fundamentals.
February 28th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
This is the first screenplay exercise I have completed. Something about this challenge was very motivating. Look forward to more. Congrats to the selected writers.
February 28th, 2007 at 6:56 pm
I agree Steven, although I believe that among this group of nerds, we’re the nerds.
And I must admit, I laughed more at these than I would’ve at a more “economic” and didactic rewrite.
February 28th, 2007 at 7:05 pm
“By re-writing the whole thing you lose the lesson, which I think should have been more about script technique (which the original writer needed serious help with) instead of story-telling or imagination, which might be better to focus on after mastering the fundamentals.”
How many times can I use ‘which’ in one sentence? Perhaps a lesson is in order for me.
From the original posts, #8 and #10 would’ve been the ones I recommend the original writer to look at.
I agree though, it is fun to see a bunch of different takes on a scene.
February 28th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
Well, only since you asked . . .
I liked Derek’s . . . and while I appreciated both the entries you chose as winners, I neither felt the intent (achieve an American Pie type of humor) or craft (in fewer words than the original) was met . . . they didn’t amuse me as a couple of others did, and felt toooo . . . I dunno . . . just didn’t feel they met the standard you set for the challenge.
But hey, it’s your house, your rules . . . you wanna whack off to Spock, who am I to criticize . . . congrats to the winners . . . and onward to the next project.
February 28th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
Well, losing has certainly shattered my dreams of becoming a screenwriter.
February 28th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
I’m right there with Caleb. Congrats to the winners, hopefully it won’t be a while for the next one.
March 1st, 2007 at 1:17 am
Another demonstration how personal humour is. I really love Sarah’s (#32) line:
DUSTIN
Hey, whatever, I’m a Piccard man, myself.
Made me laugh out loud.
March 1st, 2007 at 1:45 am
http://shanehazen.blogspot.com/2007/03/clobber-ratin.html
You guys absolutely made my week. Thanks John!
March 1st, 2007 at 7:08 am
The winning entry starts strong but veers off course about the time Shane comes right out and admits he was masturbating. It feels a bit rushed, and it goes down hill from there.
The second one was pretty good too. The “And good night” line was well timed.
March 1st, 2007 at 8:48 am
My favorite entry was #14!! The Shymalanian meta twist how they all end up “jerking off to johnaugust.com” was hilarious! And the “uhhh…hura” line had me giggling for hours. Gold, Jerry, gold!!
March 1st, 2007 at 9:28 am
FOR 1ST PLACE LIZ.
One cannot make a “concerted effort” all by one’s self. To work “in concert” is to work together with others. One can, however, make a concentrated effort. The prefix “con-” means “with.”
March 1st, 2007 at 9:43 am
Wow. I had no idea this was going on or that this season had become the crux to our script. I enjoyed reading everyone’s takes. It was pretty surreal having 60 some-odd people write you into a movie. Thanks for doing this John.
March 1st, 2007 at 9:58 am
Another John (#9):
But if you watch Project Greenlight, the screenwriting competition is handled almost entirely off-screen. It’s mostly about the interviews, and watching Matt Damon stump for the writers no one else is considering.
March 1st, 2007 at 10:21 am
Hi John. Just wanted to let you know you’re amazingly talented and are doing an excellent job.
Thanks for everything !
March 1st, 2007 at 11:07 am
Liz did what gets noticed. Great job Liz! But the assignment was different, wasn’t it? I think the main reason Liz won is because even if you love popcorn shrimp, by the time you eat your 30th one, you want something different. Or, do I really not understand how well Liz wrote her scene?
I knew better than to think I would win, particularly after Blingons! But I had to try.
I think John should hold off on assigning a new challenge. Waiting for it will make checking-in on the cite so exciting.
What I want to see is a student film of the entries, one right after the other with the same actors, same set(s) but different direction, acting, etc. THAT would be interesting! I’m sure the WGA has some provision for rights releases, etc. In fact (and I’m not flush with the bucks right now but) I would donate what I can to help fund the project if someone would guarantee to produce it.
March 1st, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Oh, my… why do I always come late to the discussion? Darn it, and I missed the contest! But I honestly can’t imagine how Liz’s set-up could have been beaten. I think it is nothing short of brilliant. It did not need to be perfect- nitpickers are forever -but there is nothing there that a simple polish would not solve. Congrats Liza. Now all you need to do is go out there and give the sophomore comedy alumni a run for their money!
March 1st, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Sorry John, should have clarified I was talking about the Australian version of Project Greenlight which is quite different to the format of the US version. No Matt Damon for one and a bit more focus on the script. You can see vids of the script pitching (including my own effort) and script workshop etc here http://projectgreenlight.ninemsn.com.au/Video-Library.html.
That said, I take the point about a TV show purely about screenwriting being boring, but you can see from the response to the scene challenge it could work as an online competition maybe. The ‘John August Full Length Script Challenge’ anyone?
March 1st, 2007 at 3:40 pm
I tried to be unique and just think I was totally off with the Klingon she-male. But I laughed my ass off writing it. Very fun break. Thanks John and congrats Liz.
March 1st, 2007 at 4:19 pm
I think the next contest should be re-writing the awful love scenes from Star Wars Episodes II & III. That would be a tough one.
March 1st, 2007 at 8:40 pm
I can’t believe I missed this whole contest. That’s what I get for masturbating to “Cops”.
By the way, we used to call masturbating “writing four pages”, as in “What did you do last night?” “Oh, I wrote four pages”.
So I guess reversing “masturbating to Star Trek” just means “I finished my Star Trek spec”.
March 5th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
I still think masturbating to Star Trek is lame for the American Pie-esque reasons mentioned, so for the record, this was how I tried to incorporate Sam’s scene in. Remember: This was a meta movie, half the comedy of which involved the four co-stars and co-writers controlling each other’s actions when it came our turn to pen a section of the script:
On SHANE and DUSTIN in the b/g.
DUSTIN: Hey Shane? Remember when we were drinking last year and you drunkenly told me your most depraved, embarrassed moment of your entire life?
SHANE: I guess?
DUSTIN: And I’m not talking about the time you lip-sync’d New Kids on the Block during the 5th grade talent show, because that was for public consumption and everyone remembers that.
SHANE: Don’t know why you had to bring it up, but I remember what you’re referring to, yeah.
DUSTIN: I’m talking about the time you were 20 and your mom caught you in your room masturbating to that Star Trek episode while you had a plastic bag and a belt tied around your neck, a clown wig, and your grandma’s bra on.
SHANE: OK. Why are you bringing this up here?
DUSTIN: Because Sam gave me a small section to write and final cut on a movie you and I are currently starring in, there’s a camera,
(points)
and I don’t think I’ll ever have a bigger forum to squeal your secrets to. Smile!
Shane turns white as he looks into the camera.
SHANE:
(weakly waving)
Mom lied, Mee-maw: It wasn’t a tartar stain…
March 30th, 2007 at 10:18 pm
I know I’m like a month late to this, but I wanted to say thanks, Liz, and great job. Hope you come back here and read this.
December 31st, 2007 at 7:20 am
I am a year late on this but I have to comment. The original “script” is 10 times funnier than the “winning” script, and I just can’t understand how you could make this decision. What makes the original story funny is Shane’s inability to choose between porn and an episode of star track and trying to finish as fast as he can so he can watch his favorite TV show. I think this is clear and it is a great idea and what matters is the idea - not the execution. I really don’t care about format or if it is written as if a 15 years old wrote it, it is just funny. Albert Einstein was NOT the person who did the actual mathematical calculations for his theories but someone else, someone who’s name I can’t remember and the reason I can’t remember his name is because that guy was just a technician. The “winning” script is very technical but it took the heart out of the original and turned it into an entire different story which is maybe more correctly formatted but is not half as good. Not only that - the “winning” script had a potential to be funny - when Shane assumes wrongly that Dustin knows what he is doing - the writer could have used this to maybe create a dialogue with double meaning or stretch this a little and play with it around but instead she chose to do something totally unfunny - have Shane IMMEDIATELY admit he was masturbating - which I have to say is not only not funny but also unrealistic.
So the winning script took the comedy OUT from the original and then demonstrated total lack of comedic understanding within its own writting.
Have a nice day.