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Scriptnotes Transcript

Scriptnotes, Episode 589: The One with Patton Oswalt, Transcript

April 11, 2023 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2023/the-one-with-patton-oswalt).

**John August:** Hey, this is John. Heads up that today’s episode has just a little bit of swearing in it.

Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** This is Episode 589 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Today on the show, we welcome a guest who’s been mentioned 10 separate times on Scriptnotes-

**Craig:** Wow.

**John:** … which means he’s now legally required to attend. It’s a podcast summons.

**Craig:** Like when you look in the mirror and you say Bloody Mary 10 times. Patton Oswalt. Patton Oswalt.

**Patton Oswalt:** Thanks. Thanks for Beetlejuice-ing me, guys.

**John:** You are a comedian, actor, writer, Jeopardy champion. Your work includes everything ever made for a screen, but we’ll highlight some of the amazing comedy specials you’ve done, which have gotten you an Emmy and a Grammy. Welcome Patton Oswalt.

**Patton:** Guys, thank you for having me.

**Craig:** This is so exciting. I’ve said on the show before that you’re my favorite comedian. I listen to a lot of stand-up. I do. You know what? There was the time in the ‘80s and ‘90s where stand-up went insane and everybody was constantly watching stand-up. Now there’s this new thing where I’m just in my car and I feel sad all the time about everything, and so I go on Sirius XM or Spotify or something and just go, “Give me the comedy channel.” What I’ve found over time is there are people that I’m like, “Skip. Skip.” Then there are people that I’m like, “Stay. Stay.”

**Patton:** Am I a stay?

**Craig:** You’re the ultimate keeper. I think at this point I have now listened to every fucking thing you’ve ever said.

**Patton:** Jeepers creepers.

**Craig:** It’s wonderful. I’m a huge fan. This is very exciting.

**Patton:** I just can’t imagine you, Craig Mazin, being sad. How does someone sad come up with something like Chernobyl? Oh, wait.

**Craig:** Wait a second.

**Patton:** Wait a minute.

**Craig:** Hold on.

**John:** I’m seeing the two of you face to face. I really wonder who plays who in the biopic, because you guys could play each other, I think.

**Craig:** Patton should play me. He’s a good actor, and I am not.

**Patton:** Do we Charlie Kaufman it and have a scene where we meet each other but we just switch roles, we each play each other?

**John:** Or twins, brothers.

**Craig:** Actually, just brothers.

**John:** Or just brothers.

**Craig:** I think we’d do well. I think we would do well.

**Patton:** Yeah, we would totally pull off brothers.

**John:** He’s got an overall deal at HBO.

**Craig:** You have a brother who’s also a very smart and funny guy, so I would have to unfortunately replace him.

**Patton:** Exactly. We have to move my younger and way funnier brother out of the way in order to make that happen.

**Craig:** I think we could do that, right?

**John:** Craig, this is an episode that you manifested, because you said that we should have Patton Oswalt on the show. Boots Riley listened to the episode. He texted Kelly Marcel. Kelly Marcel texted me. That is how we connect.

**Craig:** My god.

**Patton:** Damn.

**Craig:** My god.

**John:** That’s how things connect.

**Patton:** Who knew Boots Riley was a queen bee connector?

**John:** Wow.

**Craig:** Wow, that actually sounds fake.

**John:** I could show you the text messages. That’s how we did it.

**Craig:** If you are going to stick with that story-

**Patton:** Did you write the sentence using magnetic refrigerator poetry?

**John:** Absolutely.

**Patton:** Slapped a bunch of names together.

**Craig:** That was the ChatGP whatever the fuck it was. Give me a story involving Boots Riley. This is going to be great. I’m thrilled. I’m so excited.

**John:** We’re thrilled. We’re also under-outlined. We’re under-prepared. I know that we do want to talk about construction of jokes, and so I also want to get through how that works, and really the difference between writing jokes and writing scripted comedy, because you’ve done both. You’ve also worked on a lot of scripted comedy.

**Craig:** Yes, you have. One of the things that would be great to talk with you about is Wackity Schmackity Doo, which is this great bit Patton does about being a punch-up writer. I’ve been that guy. I’ve literally said in the room, “You’re asking us to do Wackity Schmackity Doo,” and then explained it to them, which is this problem where a movie is finished. Sometimes it’s not an animated movie, although oftentimes it is.

**Patton:** By the way, I’ve been in the room in live-action films, and they’re like, “What can we have being yelled off screen that’s funny?”

**Craig:** It’s just we’re looking for ADR, looking for off-camera lines.

**Patton:** By the way, I can’t believe you and I were never in one of those rooms, because I did those all the time.

**Craig:** I’m going to tell you that we were.

**John:** Wow.

**Craig:** We were.

**Patton:** Which one?

**Craig:** It’s just that I literally don’t remember what it was.

**Patton:** We were in a room together?

**Craig:** We were, but it was many years ago. It was in the early 2000s.

**Patton:** I’ve been in rooms before Mindy Kaling was Mindy Kaling, she wasn’t just a joke machine gun, Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant.

**Craig:** All those guys.

**Patton:** All those guys. We must’ve been in a room together.

**Craig:** We were.

**Patton:** We had to have been.

**Craig:** I left you alone.

**John:** He was shy.

**Patton:** Stole a lock of my hair for your ball that you were making.

**Craig:** At least one or two.

**Patton:** You’ve been in those rooms where you’re like, “Oh, hey.”

**Craig:** Yes. We’re going to talk about that process as well, because Patton has done all of it.

**Patton:** You’re right.

**Craig:** I think what I’m fascinated by, because we always concentrate on writing, is just how that process is, how much writing writing there is, how much physical writing or non-physical, memorized recitation writing, how these things are structured, the beginnings and middles and ends, because you really are very structured. It’s not jokes. It’s stories. It’s these moments.

**Patton:** That I try to pack with as many punchlines along the way. I just have never been able to sell the whole duh-dum, bah-dum, bah-dum. Some people can do that brilliantly. That’s just as hard to do, but I’ve never been able to pull it off.

**Craig:** Yes, like Demetri Martin, a guy like that who’s just so good at that sort of thing.

**Patton:** And Anthony Jeselnik, whose jokes are like-

**Craig:** The king of it.

**Patton:** They are little, miniature works. Oh my god, it’s like stained glass. It’s so perfect.

**Craig:** It’s shocking. Have you ever listened to Anthony Jeselnik?

**John:** Oh, yeah.

**Craig:** I think of myself as a smart guy. I’m a writer. I’m supposed to know what’s coming next. He gets me I would say 99 times out of a hundred. I don’t know where he’s going.

**Patton:** I’m a comedian who should see all the different angles. You know what he reminds me of? I’m saying this as a compliment. He does dark joke versions of Roadrunner cartoons.

**John:** Definitely.

**Patton:** They show you the setup. Here’s the catapult. You think of three ways it can go wrong, and then it goes wrong in the way you didn’t think of. It’s like, oh my god. It’s a great way to learn how to write jokes is to watch old Roadrunner cartoons.

**Craig:** He’s a magician. You really do write these scenes that in and of themselves, if you perform them out, you could easily get 25-minute-long shows. You could do an episode that’s here’s a story, and you could expand it out. I’d love to dig into that structure. Before we do that, John is going to hit me over the head if we don’t follow the rules.

**John:** We’re going to jump into the jokes right away. I did want to say that in our Bonus Segment for Premium members, I want to discuss a pet peeve of mine, which is when characters keep secrets for no reason.

**Craig:** Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

**John:** Just marinate on that. We’ll think of some examples of that.

**Patton:** Good, because I have a shining example of that, but it’s also a rebuke of that, in one of my favorite films. We’ll get to that later.

**John:** Oh, so exciting.

**Patton:** I love this so much. Good, good, good, good, good.

**John:** Let’s get into jokes and joke structure, because Craig, when we found out Patton was going to be on the show, you listed, “These are my favorite bits.”

**Craig:** Those are not my favorite bits.

**John:** Top of mind.

**Craig:** Those were just the ones that I felt like typing there. They’re all my favorite bits. As we were saying, you do have this wonderful ability to make a story of everything. If people want to see a great example that is fun to watch on YouTube, Patton did… I’m going to call it a bit, but it’s so diminishing for what it is. A piece. He did a piece on a-

**Patton:** A piece, although, by the way, listeners, I would never call one of my jokes a piece.

**Craig:** No, I will.

**Patton:** You will. Please.

**Craig:** I will call it a work of art. A work of art centered around the horrible song, Christmas Shoes.

**Patton:** Oh, boy.

**Craig:** It’s this beautiful work of art about Christmas Shoes-

**Patton:** Thank you.

**Craig:** … that someone has lovingly animated.

**Patton:** It’s never been released on an album or in a special. I did it, and someone recorded it, or maybe I recorded it for a special and then just never used it. Some fan animated it on YouTube, and it was amazing.

**Craig:** It’s incredible.

**Patton:** It’s just this thing. I still do it at Christmastime.

**Craig:** Thank god.

**Patton:** You’ve got to see me live to see me actually do it live.

**Craig:** One of the things that struck me about that piece is that it is, in its own way, a work of adaptation, because you take this preexisting work of art-

**Patton:** Work of art.

**Craig:** … which is a song.

**Patton:** Massive air quotes.

**Craig:** The song has structure. It has structure.

**Patton:** The song tells a story. There’s a twist.

**Craig:** You know exactly what to keep and what to not keep.

**Patton:** There’s that moment when I’m like, “I can’t recite any more of these lyrics. I can’t.” That’s part of it is me giving up. That song is that bad.

**Craig:** It’s giving up, but it’s also you understood there was nothing to mine there. If there were, you would’ve kept going.

**Patton:** Exactly.

**Craig:** There’s adaptation to this, but also your original, meaning not based on anything. It’s all original, of course. When you’re just talking about your own life, things that have happened to you, your own observations or thoughts, everything is incredibly well structured. I guess to start off with, how does it begin? Do you actually write things on your laptop, or are you just walking around and talking to yourself?

**Patton:** I’m walking around talking to myself, talking to friends, talking to my wife, and really paying attention to people in my life that are amazing storytellers and know how to tell a story. There are people in my life that I still love, that are very, very intelligent, that don’t know how to tell a story. They don’t know the parts to leave out, that have nothing to do with what will actually hold the listener’s attention.

**John:** My mom.

**Patton:** It’s funny that you mention adaptation. If you slavishly adapted every book to its exact word, it would be a lot of unwatchable movies. You need to take what’s there and adapt it and make it work. There are elements of that song that I’m like, “There’s nothing comedic here.” All it is, in a weird way, the bad elements of that song are just repetitive. It’s just reinforcing a point that I’ve already made and gotten the laugh with, so I can’t do it again. I think it also helped that I came from that time in the mid-‘90s. I don’t know if you ever went to the old Largo on Fairfax.

**Craig:** Of course. John Bryan and all those amazing people.

**Patton:** Oh my god, yeah. Brilliant comedians going on Monday night, but there was very much a vogue at the time for people just talking about their lives. There were a lot of comedians that were like, “Then I’ve gotta talk about everything.” It’s like, no, you still need to jettison things and keep it comedy-focused-

**Craig:** Curate.

**Patton:** … or it becomes un-listenable. I learned that very, very quickly because also, when that first started happening, I indulged in that. I could see the glazed over looks and went, “Oh, that’s right, I gotta structure this a little bit.”

**John:** I thought we would talk about the structure of a joke by just actually looking at a joke. This is the ham incident. We’ll spoil nothing, but Craig wants to say the line.

**Craig:** I just want to say all the ham.

**John:** Let’s play it.

**Craig:** Oh, shit.

**Patton (clip):** Here’s another sweatpants story for everybody. Little sweatpants adventure for you guys.

**Patton:** That’s getting applause.

**Patton (clip):** I was out shopping, grocery shopping. I’m in my sweatpants. I’m in my matching color T-shirt-

**Craig:** “And flip-flops, ladies.”

**Patton (clip):** … and flip-flops, ladies. Got my crumbled up shopping list, and I’m staggering around, “What the hell I gotta buy?” Our supermarket has a deli counter where you can walk up and they’ll cut you up a pound of ham, turkey, cheese, anything you want, cut it up fresh. Boom, off you go. Then to save everybody time, they will precut one-pound things of ham, turkey, cheese, so you can walk up and go, “I’ll get two cheeses. I’ll get a ham,” and you’re on your way.

**Craig:** Can we pause for a second. Act 1, exposition, world building.

**John:** Setting up crucial details, details we don’t know are important but become important later on in the joke.

**Craig:** Also, just from the Joseph Campbell of it all, ordinary world. It’s an ordinary world.

**Patton:** Not to get all pedantic, but in comedy, nothing gets a bigger laugh than when you have set up seemingly mundane things that no one can imagine these being jokes in any way, because everyone is like, “I’ve seen that. You go to the deli counter, and it’s ready to go.” That’s why if you notice, I almost get a little singsongy, because I’m like, “I know we all already know this. I’m just reminding everyone, so now we’re in the setting.” It’s that kind of inflection.

**Craig:** The magic trick there, and we do this in television and movies all the time, the burying of exposition. You’re actually being like, “Sorry, I’m actually over-indulging in details that are unimportant.” That’s what that singsongy thing does, but that’s the magic trick. We are in a wonderful first act structure where you’re actually doing all the things we do in a movie.

**Patton:** Here we go.

**Craig:** We resume.

**Patton (clip):** Staggering up to the counter with my list, and I vaguely see that the next guy in line is this morbidly obese guy. Huge. He’s the next guy in line at the counter. He’s blocking part of the counter. What I can’t see is there’s only one one-pound thing of precut ham in the ham bin. There’s only one left. I can’t see that. All I hear as I approach him is him say, “I want all the ham.”

**Craig:** This is the best part.

**Patton (clip):** Meaning he just wants the one thing. I immediately ran away around the corner into the next aisle and started laughing my ass off. I wasn’t even laughing at him. I was thinking of the guy at the deli counter going, “Here we go.” Eye of the Tiger starts up. He’s doing it! It’s happening!

**Craig:** Hold on.

**John:** That’s the inciting incident, basically.

**Craig:** Also, the development of it. There was something that I thought was really smart structurally, that I suspect you had to think about quite a bit, which was, “I need them to know something I didn’t know.”

When we’re writing, we get to shift perspective all the time. It’s part of the fun of what we do. When you’re making comedies in particular, this kind of math gets discussed down to the tiniest little bit, like when do we show it, when do they know what he sees and what I don’t see. It’s essential. The way you put it in there, you don’t often hear that actually in comedy that there’s a perspective shift. It was brilliant the way it just slotted right in.

**John:** You were visually setting up that you were in the store and that he’s blocking part of the counter, which didn’t seem important at the time when you said it, but it becomes important as you explain the context of what he was actually really saying, what he was actually asking for.

**Patton:** Did you also notice how I was storyboarding? I’m giving the audience the omnipotent view, the omnipresent view that I don’t see. The joke is on me. The guy’s just casually like, “Give me all the ham. I’m going to go.” I’m making links in my head that don’t need to be there. Again, I’m always keeping the joke on myself here.

**Craig:** The perspective shift to allow the audience to have insight that you did not have in that moment is also about to platform to an even bigger one. That’s step one of things Patton didn’t see.

**John:** We’re going to get to a place where the audience wasn’t expecting to go, which is crucial. That’s the key.

**Patton (clip):** Then I thought, what if a third party witnessed that? What if a third person was 20 yards away, and all they see is a guy dressed like me with a crumbled piece of paper, and he’s approaching this morbidly obese guy at a deli counter. Just as he gets there, the morbidly obese guy goes, “I want all the ham,” and the guy with the paper goes, “Oh, shit,” and then runs away.

**Craig:** Now pause again for a second. What I love is these are all these movements.

**Patton:** That visual is really fucked up.

**Craig:** It’s amazing. It’s so good. “Oh, shit.” You have this moment where you can step outside yourself and imagine how absurd that would be. A comedy bit would’ve stopped at, “I want all the ham,” and the guy going like this. You’re now like, “Wait, what if I go meta one step further?”

What I love is that now the audience is like, “Okay, that was the bonus.” The normal meal you get is, “I want all the ham,” then, “Oh, here we go. Eye of the Tiger.” Now there’s this bonus. What I love about you is that you’re like, “No, you don’t even know what the bonus is.”

**John:** I’ll just also point out repetition. This is the second time you’ve mentioned the crumpled note, which is going to become important in the next little section here.

**Patton:** Yeah, it is.

**John:** “I want all the ham,” repeating that just anchors it back to that moment. This is the guy we’re focused on.

**Patton:** Again, I’m also doing a little bit of a cheat where each time I say the crumbled note dismissively, because that’s how people think of their crumpled shopping list is, “It’s just here, whatever.” I’m reinforcing that who cares, and then it becomes important.

**John:** Without the word crumpled, we might not even catch the [crosstalk 00:17:24].

**Craig:** Exactly.

**Patton:** Crumpled is a good comedy word.

**Patton (clip):** He might honestly believe that he just saw the future get doomed.

**Craig:** Pause one more time. Here’s what I love about that. Now you’re doing what Rian Johnson does, which is, “I’m going to show you who killed the person. You still don’t know why this is going to be fun.” You’re giving away the ending, and they’re laughing. You can almost hear them laughing because they’re on the wheel of laughter. While they’re laughing, they’re like, “Wait, what?”

**Patton:** It’s funny you bring up Rian Johnson, because my wife and I are doing a big deep dive into Poker Face, which-

**Craig:** So much fun.

**Patton:** … does the Columbo mechanics one better, where they show you the murder and then they show you the motives, and then sometimes the motives have wrinkles to them that you didn’t realize. God, it’s such a brilliant show. That’s a classic example of showing you the most mundane stuff and knowing that you’re starting to get in on the game. Then they will show you mundane stuff that we’ll go, “Okay,” and then it means nothing. Then you’re totally off balance. Anyway, go ahead.

**Patton (clip):** The morbidly obese guy is destined to begin working out and become this cut, muscular warrior of the wasteland and save humanity from the robot lizards that are taking over in 40 years. The few remaining humans have sent me, this emissary, back to read him the message and tell him of his destiny. We have historical records. We know we have to get to him before he decides to commit ham suicide at the Pavilions in Burbank, California. I’m clearly woozy from the time tunnel. I’m trying to get to him. I’m almost there when he says, “I want all the ham.” Oh, god, we’re doomed! We need to find another warrior!

**Craig:** Well earned applause.

**Patton:** Oh, man.

**Craig:** Well earned applause.

**Patton:** Thank you.

**Craig:** The other thing that you do quite a bit, which I love, is you will engage in very almost cavalier storytelling that any studio might actually go, “That’s a pretty good idea. We could probably make a movie of that.”

**Patton:** Also, I’m getting the laughs out of the making wild assumptions, as if the audience already knows that. Of course I’m woozy from the time tunnel. We’ve all been through time tunnels. That’s always a great laugh to get is the crazy, unearned assumption from your listener.

**Craig:** And the specificity, because it’s not like, oh, because he’s a warrior of the wasteland. There’s also robot lizards.

**Patton:** A very specific thing happened, and it all happens at a very specific-

Patton and Craig and **John:** Pavilions in Burbank.

**Patton:** Which makes it.

**Craig:** Details.

**Patton:** I remember growing up watching old Bugs Bunny cartoons and stuff. They would make references, very specific, timely topical references to things that I didn’t know, but in context I always got. There’s one where a turkey is trying to slim down before Thanksgiving so he doesn’t get eaten. Daffy Duck’s making him work out. He goes, “Slide, DiMaggio, slide!” I was like, “I guess DiMaggio must’ve been some kind of baseball player.” You can get things. I always buckle at the studio note of this has gotta be universal, that anyone can understand. Sometimes if you go super specific, it makes it even more captivating.

**Craig:** People will want to know and learn.

**Patton:** “What is that? What’s going on?”

**Craig:** “What is that?” They’ll look it up. If they’re happy, they’re happy to look it up.

**Patton:** They’ll check it out.

**Craig:** I think how specific all of that storytelling is… There’s also this joy of riffing that you take a concept and then go, “How far do I go? How absurd do I get?”

**Patton:** There’s a big element of that. The thing that really attracted me to comedy when I started was just hanging out with other comedians and bullshitting all night and adding to each other’s bits. Sometimes we would get laughs out of, “What’s the most absurd or offensive thing I can say?” Some of my bits do have that, “What is the most absurd level I can take this to and still have it work?” It’s like, “I’m entertaining myself now. How well can I do this?”

**Craig:** It works.

**John:** Patton, can you talk us through the development of that joke? Do you know when you started that joke, what the early versions of that joke were? Did the ham sandwich guy ever exist?

**Patton:** Oh, yes, that absolutely happened. Again, the reality of the situation was I was shopping, I was living in Burbank, I was at that Pavilions. I went up, and that guy did say that. I didn’t run away and start laughing. He did say it with that. I do another bit about B-word fat with the B-word.

**Craig:** (nonsensical babbling)

**Patton:** “I’ve gotten so heavy that I (nonsensical babbling).”

**Craig:** “I’ve gotta lose some weight.”

**Patton:** “I want all the ham.” There’s that Frank Thring, Alfred Hitchcock way of speaking, where even without seeing him, you’re like, “That dude’s fat.” William Conrad. Then I just kept shopping.

A lot of my best writing comes when I’m doing dishes or shopping, because they are such mundane, task-oriented things that now your brain is free. In other words, if you’re sitting there trying to write, and your only task is the writing, a lot of times your brain will cinch up. If you give it a mundane task to do, then it’ll free your brain to actually do writing.

**Craig:** For instance, you’re standing in front of a bunch of Lean Cuisines, and your depression sneaks up and gets you. We don’t have to play it, but he’s just talking about how depression will get you when you least expect it. It got crafty. He has a daughter. His daughter is making him feel good. He’s a dad. He’s thrilled. Then it gets him in the supermarket. He’s just looking at the package.

**Patton:** [Crosstalk 00:23:16].

**Craig:** Then Toto’s Africa comes on. He just said, “I just [inaudible 00:23:22] I’ve never been so wonderfully ready to die.” Boom.

**Patton:** It developed from the thing I was talking about earlier of, “What if? What if? How crazy can I make this?” I did remember internally laughing at hearing the phrase. “I want all the ham,” said in that voice is hilarious.

**Craig:** It’s great. It’s incredible.

**Patton:** Then I started thinking of, “What would be the worst reaction from me?” You don’t want to be mean. “Oh my god, what if I ran away and started laughing?” I just kept what iffing, what iffing, what iffing. There are weird things that will resonate.

The longer you go in your career, the more you learn to trust the weird thing that clearly doesn’t have anything apparently attached to it that is something you can use. If it doesn’t go away, that’s usually a good indication of like, “I should run with this,” because it’s not going away.

**John:** In order to maintain ideas, your brain has to keep dedicating cycles to it, like, “Oh, it still has to be in there.” It’s fighting for attention. There must be a reason why it’s fighting for attention. There’s something it wants to do.

**Craig:** That’s voice too, the thing that you snag on, that your brain snags on. There may be a hundred screenwriting books telling you to just get rid of that, because that doesn’t fit in, but no, your brain snagged on it. Then your brain develops it. That’s you. I know a you thing. Even if I read it, I think I would know it was you, as opposed to hearing it or seeing you, because there is a specificity to the way your brain works. You trust your brain. All of us are copying early on. We’re all just desperate.

**Patton:** You have to.

**Craig:** You have to. You don’t know how else to do it. Then as you go, there’s that scary moment where you have to leave the nest or you’re Indiana Jones in the Third Raiders and you’ve got to step on the bridge that you can’t see.

**Patton:** By the way, the copying will never fully go away. Get over that anxiety. When I walk away from seeing a Cohen Brothers film, my writing will get very Cohen-y for a couple days. I was doing a show Friday night, and John Mulaney went on before me.

**Craig:** Oh god, so good.

**Patton:** First 30 to 45 seconds, I was talking in his cadence. I caught myself. His cadence is so wonderful. He’s such a wonderful storyteller that you fall into that. Then if you just embrace it and wink at it rather than try to, “Oh my god.” Let your ego get out of the way. You’re always going to be influenced by things.

**Craig:** It’s the finest compliment you could give anybody.

**Patton:** Exactly. Stephen King, when he wrote the intro to Harlan Ellison’s Stalking the Nightmare, halfway through the intro he goes, “Oh my god, I’m writing like Harlan.” He goes, “Milk tastes like whatever it’s sitting next to on the shelf. I’ve just been reading some Harlan.” Someone then goes, “Oh, you just read Harlan Ellison.” He’s like, “Yeah, I did. Sorry.” That’s happened with me a lot.

**John:** This incident happened. You decided to write the joke. What does writing actually mean? Are you typing it up?

**Patton:** No. This is why I panicked a little bit-

**Craig:** Don’t panic.

**Patton:** … during the quarantine is I have the general idea, but I’ve gotta work it out on stage. The audience will partially guide me. I think maybe that’s why some of my bits land really hard with people, because it’s the end result of a conversation with other people rather than me hermitting away, writing it out perfectly, and then presenting it.

**Craig:** At which point it’s not plastic enough to adjust.

**Patton:** However, keep in mind, if you are a writer like an Anthony Jeselnik or an Emo Philips, who can write the most perfect frigging bits, and when you lay them in front of people, they just go, “Oh my god,” absolutely do that. I’m someone that needs that back and forth. It just makes the writing better.

**Craig:** For me or for John, the nice thing is our first draft, we write a scene, we go home, we come back the next day. I’m different. I like to mulch over what I wrote yesterday. John is very much like a move ahead guy, and then he goes back and does the whole thing. Either way, we’re evaluating what we just did. Then the shame is private. No one sees the crap.

**Patton:** The shame is private.

**Craig:** They just see what we want them to see. It’s even more so.

**Patton:** That’s cool.

**John:** We never bomb on stage.

**Craig:** We bomb privately. We bomb in front of ourselves, which is horrible. How does that feel when you go in there with your first draft, and you, “This is the first time I’m going to roll this out.”

**Patton:** A lot of times when I’m doing those first drafts, it is… After this podcast, I am driving down to Irvine to do the Irvine Improv. I will have bits prepared that will work. I’ll also work on a few new things. A lot of times when I’m doing the really raw stuff, it is in a room where it’s free. No one’s paid to see me. There is an audience that actually I think likes going to see comedians and being able to watch when it’s…

There was a bit I was working on for my latest special that I finally all got to come together about getting hemorrhoid surgery and then having a horrible accident afterward. It’s this whole long story. I just did not have an ending. In early days, like a year and a half ago when I was working on it on the road, I was like, “I will put this on a Netflix special in a year or so, and you’ll be able to go, ‘I watched that when it was just a mess.’ That’ll be your bragging rights.”

Although it’s actually opposite with comedians and bands. I think I’ve said this before, but I’m going to repeat it because it’s so brilliant, because Chris Rock said it, not me. He goes, “If you’re a comedian, you put out a special and an album, then you go out on the road, you better do a whole new hour, because they already saw that.”

**Craig:** Exactly. They want you to play the song exactly the way it was on the album.

**Patton:** If you’re a band and you put out an album and you tour, you better play that fucking album. They do not want to hear your new shit.

**Craig:** David Spade, he did a bit about that. He’s like, “You hear them come on, and it’s like, don’t play the new stuff. Play the songs I know, and no tricks.”

**Patton:** No tricks. Exactly, no tricks.

**Craig:** No tricks.

**Patton:** Don’t add some new arrangement. You know why I’m here.

**Craig:** Do the thing. Do the thing I like.

**Patton:** When I was on King of Queens, Huey Lewis did a guest spot as himself. We were talking about that. He had this memory, where he goes, “Oh my god, I remember as a teenager in San Francisco.” He started laughing. He goes, “I went and saw Led Zeppelin at The Fillmore. They were touring on Zeppelin 3, so we want to hear Immigrant Song, we want to hear Going to California, and we want to hear everything from 1 and 2. Play Black Dog. Great. Then they did a rough version of Stairway to Heaven, and half the auditorium walked out to go get a beer.”

**Craig:** That’s right.

**Patton:** “I remember specifically getting up and going, ‘Who wants a drink? I’ll go get… ‘” He left and then came back, like, “I don’t want to hear your new shit.”

**Craig:** Which makes total sense, because it’s a long… If you don’t know where it goes, if you don’t know the ending of that-

**Patton:** Exactly.

**Craig:** … you’re like, “What is this crap?” Completely. There are things that you need to absorb in before you see them. Comedy is tricky like that, because John Cleese talked about this at some point, that they would do these live tours. Monty Python would go do these shows, and they would do the Dead Parrot sketch, and no one was laughing. They were just mouthing along with the words. It became this very creepy, almost religious catechism thing of like, “We will now recite the Dead Parrot sketch together.”

**Patton:** Or even worse yet, this happened to Dave Chappelle and it’s happened to other people. I think it’s one of the reasons Steve Martin stopped doing stand-up was that people will pre-scream out punchlines that they like.

**Craig:** Oh god, no.

**Patton:** Or they’ll scream out catchphrases from other things that you’re doing. I remember I think Dave Chappelle walked off stage, this is years ago in Sacramento, because people were screaming, “I’m Rick James, bitch.” You’re about to get several hours of new material from this genius, and you’re yelling out something he already put on TV for you. That’ll be there when you go home. Let him do his… They wouldn’t let him do it.

I also remember I heard that when, and this is generational, when The Firesign Theater, when that album, I Think We’re All Bozos on This Bus, they had that great bit about… It’s the high school commencement speech where this guy’s going, “Eat it raw,” yelling. They were trying to start doing that on stage, and the whole crowd was just going, “Eat it raw! Eat it raw!” They couldn’t start the bit.

**Craig:** What’s the point? It’s over.

**Patton:** Like, what are we doing?

**Craig:** You have a great story about going to a casino and just having your credits screamed at you for 30 minutes by drunk people.

**Patton:** Literally my IMDb yelled at me.

**Craig:** “King of Queens!”

**Patton:** “King of Queens! Ah!” It was rough. It was rough.

**John:** We’ve talked about a joke, but let’s talk about a whole special or putting together a bunch of stuff into one thing. Mike Birbiglia’s been on the show many times.

**Craig:** Oh, god.

**John:** He’s so good.

**Patton:** Fucking went and saw it right before the shutdown. I went and saw his one-man shop, not Sleepwalk with Me, the one about being a father.

**John:** The New One. The New One.

**Patton:** Literally called The New One. Oh my god, we almost went into a Who’s on First. “The New One. No, the one about… Yeah, The New One. No, I know. I just can’t remember the title. Yeah, The New One. Yes, I just said that! God, he’s such a fucking [inaudible 00:32:38].”

**John:** I saw The Old Man in the Pool in a tiny, little club when he was still working on it. It was clear that there’s raw edits on things that aren’t working, but then eventually it all comes together and you get that feedback. With your specials, when you’re aware that you have things that fit together, that can build up to a full hour, that feel like it’s a journey, what are you aiming for?

**Patton:** It’s different. Sometimes you know a couple of months beforehand. You go, “Hey, let’s give them a date. Let’s pick a venue. Let’s do this.” Other times you’ll have… On this last one, I had the date and venue, and not until a month did I realize the structure that it actually needed to be, that the hemorrhoids story was normally in the middle. It took me a while to realize that’s the end.

There was another bit that in the special was in the middle, but on the road I would have it at the end, but then I realized, actually if I switch my… Then a much weirder note that you’re not expecting it to land on, and that’ll make me seem more engaged on stage. When that structure happens, you don’t…

A month before my second to last special, there was a bit that I did in the middle about going to Denny’s. My road opener, this guy Orlando Leyba, brilliant comedian, we’re on the road, he was like, “That should be your closer.” It changed the whole set.

**Craig:** This is an interesting question, because when we’re writing things for one purpose or another, there are different needs. Live performance, you want to just basically drop your biggest bomb, I would assume, at the end. You want to go out on the biggest possible laugh, maybe in a small room, but in a special, you want to go out on something that is meaningful.

**Patton:** Or maybe not necessarily meaningful, but you want to end on whatever is the most interesting thing that people will think about. It doesn’t necessarily need to be meaningful, but it does have to be… Yes, it is always good to end on a massive laugh if you can get it. Sometimes I like the massive laugh in the middle, so you’ve earned their trust. You’ve earned their trust enough to go, “Now I’m going to go off in maybe not the biggest laugh areas, but because I’ve earned your trust, you’ll follow me into something interesting.”

**Craig:** Interesting.

**Patton:** That’s a different way to structure it. On my last two specials, that’s how I’ve gone, because the bit about Denny’s and then the bit about the surgery are way more wandery, philosophical, with a ton of laughs in them, but it doesn’t end on a big ba-ga-da-boom, “Thank you!” Maybe that’s a function of getting older as well.

**Craig:** There’s a confidence to it. It’s sort of like, “I don’t actually need you to freak out every three seconds, because I’ve earned this. You know I’m funny. You came here. I’m not new.”

**Patton:** Has this happened in your writing sometimes when you’re early on, you’re like, “The third act’s going to be frigging crazy,” and then you get to the confidence and go, “Let’s actually make the third act weird and something that stays, has just as much of an impact, but isn’t as loud and bright.”

**John:** It’s still in the same scale and still following the same character’s journey, rather than just a whole new big step because it has to be bigger for the sake of being bigger. The original World War Z was this huge, massive thing. They realized, oh, this is not what the audience wants to see. They actually want to see our characters survive and grow and change.

**Patton:** What a ballsy thing in the third act to have the main piece of action be, “I can’t make any noise. I have to be very quiet.” That’s a really startling way to end a movie like that.

**Craig:** If you have done what that movie did in the middle. That’s something that we were thinking a lot about for our season of television now, because we had an opportunity to do some big set pieces. Where do they go? Should we end on the biggest set piece? I don’t think that that makes more sense, but at some point you want to do it. Timing that stuff out, in television I think it’s a lot easier. I have to say. Movies, the problem is, that’s it. It’s 90 minutes to 2 and a half hours.

**Patton:** That’s it.

**Craig:** The ending, a lot of times, it’s like a fireworks show. You save all the fireworks for the end.

**Patton:** A lot of times, and I think a perfect example of this is, it’s still a great movie, but the Daniel Craig version of Casino Royale. An amazing opening, genuinely amazing opening. The middle part’s great. Then you end on that great… Don’t even end on it. There’s that great poker game, tense. Then there’s that excruciating torture scene.

**Craig:** Which is the best.

**Patton:** Also incredible. Then there’s this huge special effects-heavy piece of the building going in the water. It doesn’t give you any feelings because it’s too big.

**Craig:** It’s too big.

**Patton:** You’re like, “This was all done on a computer somewhere,” whereas the other ones are him and Mads Mikkelsen just looking for micro-expressions on each other, and you’re actually tense watching it.

**John:** I want to circle back to when you plan your biggest jokes. You’ve earned the audience’s laughter and trust, and therefore you can afford not to be as hilariously funny for certain things.

That’s a thing we encounter a lot, both in comedy and in action and scary things too, where it’s like, is this moment right now the funniest thing you’ve ever seen, is it the biggest action? Maybe not, but we can afford to do it because the audience is with us. The audience has invested the time. The audience is with you. We talk a lot about the first 3 pages, the first 10 pages, like, “Are we on the ride together? Are we on the ride together?” When we come off of one of those really big sequences, we can actually afford to send some pages, some minutes setting up crucial things for later on down the road.

**Patton:** They have confidence that a meandering scene will not be a meandering movie. It’s meandering for a reason. You’re being set up for something.

**Craig:** That’s the hardest thing to convince people of that don’t do what we do, because they’ll say, “They’re getting antsy right now.” You’re like, “Exactly. Exactly. It’s okay for them to get scared.” That thing where someone’s telling a story and someone will say, “Where’s this all going?” meaning does this have a fucking point? What we’re supposed to do, and I think when we’re at our best it’s what we do, is make them really scared that none of this is going to add up. Then oh my god, it all adds up. It was all intentional and it was all thought through.

**Patton:** You mess around with the idea of, “Where is this going? This might not work. Oh god, he pulled it off.”

**Craig:** Exactly.

**Patton:** That’s really fun.

**Craig:** So much more interesting than a limerick joke where it’s like, okay, I got it, the first two lines, the second two lines, and then the fifth line. The fifth line will tell me what happens. I never get nervous when I listen to limericks, ever. The more you start to wonder how the hell is all this going to add up, how is all of it going to make sense. I think you in particular are very good at that. You think these things through beautifully. It’s very thoughtful.

**Patton:** I’ve become good at that. That’s again through years and years. I’m sure when you guys were first starting out screenwriting, TV writing, it was very much, “What’s the structure?” Again, the structure of something like Chernobyl, it’s almost an existential version of Jaws. You see this threat emerging in the background.

**Craig:** That’s awesome. I’ve never heard that.

**Patton:** I remember watching that first episode when that explosion blew up in the distance. I’m like, “She’s dead. She just doesn’t know it yet.” Then as we go deeper and deeper and deeper, we realize the depth of this threat. It’s brilliant history, but it’s a brilliant horror movie. It uses those tropes in such an amazing way, to the point where you walk away going, “What other parts of the world are that unsafe?”

**Craig:** Turns out almost all of them.

**Patton:** Apparently, all of them.

**Craig:** Ohio is.

**Patton:** That must be so surreal for you to watch what’s going on in East… You’re like, “People.”

**Craig:** This is something’s that’s happened to me is that any time anything explodes anywhere, people start emailing me.

**Patton:** The parallels here are so profound that it almost looks comical.

**Craig:** That’s what’s so upsetting. This will always be the case. When Chernobyl was going to explode, and just only people found out when it did, but it was always going to explode. It was just a matter of time. A train was going to derail there. It was only a matter of time.

**Patton:** Always. Everyone that worked on the railroad was like, “You need to do… “ They were all saying it.

**Craig:** “Screw you, unions.” The thing is, right now we don’t know we’re sitting on a powder keg that the fuse is already lit. We just don’t know which is it.

**Patton:** Exactly.

**Craig:** We’ll find out when it goes.

**Patton:** When the next bridge collapses, when the next skyscraper falls.

**Craig:** This has been happy fun time with Patton, John, and Craig.

**Patton:** Hey folks, you’re all doomed. Anyway, life’s a crapshoot, and you’re probably going to lose because that’s how it’s always went. Here’s a word from Mailchimp.

**Craig:** I forgot about Mailchimp.

**John:** Oh yeah, Mailchimp.

**Craig:** Oh, Mailchimp.

**Patton:** Oh, man.

**Craig:** Dumbest name for a fucking product, Mailchimp.

**Patton:** Who called it Mailchimp?

**Craig:** This is what’s so nice about not doing ads. We can just say Mailchimp is a stupid name.

**Patton:** It’s a dumb name.

**Craig:** It’s dumb.

**Patton:** Holy shit.

**Craig:** It’s just dumb.

**Patton:** Mailchimp.

**John:** We’ve been talking a lot about comedy specials, writing comedy, but you’ve always written scripted stuff. Let’s talk about scripted stuff, like M.O.D.O.K, your Amazon series [inaudible 00:41:47] character, hilariously really good. You’re focusing on that character. What did you learn trying to figure out not just an episode, but multiple episodes, seasons, put that together? How was that process for you?

**Patton:** That process was because I was co-running a room with my writing partner, Jordan Blum, who’s an amazing writer, comes from Family Guy, comes from Community, and [inaudible 00:42:10] knows all the lore but is really good at how do we adapt it to a thing that humans can watch and enjoy, but we still have all the fun little Easter eggs.

That was a really eye-opening experience in that you have a room full of people. Some are comics fans. Some aren’t. They’re all good writers though. They are bringing different sensibilities to this thing. It makes you, when you go and write by yourself, go, “Can I evoke these other voices and viewpoints that were in that room, that could bring these different dimensions and angles?” I went into it from, this is the idea of a supervillain. My whole idea for this was-

**John:** Let’s explain for people who may not know.

**Patton:** Oh yeah, sorry.

**John:** M.O.D.O.K. is almost a family sitcom, except that M.O.D.O.K., this Mechanized Organism Designed Only for Killing is at the centerpiece of it. He’s like a terrible dad figure, which is a trope of animated sitcoms, obviously.

**Craig:** Bad dads.

**John:** The absurd version of that.

**Patton:** The two tropes you wanted to toy with here is A, the world conqueror that is like, “I sacrificed everything.” M.O.D.O.K. is like, “Because I am supreme, M.O.D.O.K. sacrifices nothing. I will rule the world. I will also have a loving family. There will be no sacrifice or compromise. I get to have everything.”

We also wanted to play with the trope of the terrible dad who at the end of every episode the wife’s like, “Oh, honey.” He goes through an ugly divorce in this first season because they should not be married. This isn’t working. Now what does he do that he has to face that? We wanted to really play with that and then also have a lot of fun with super villain fights and technology and stuff like that. It was all in service of upsetting tropes that I think people accept without even really thinking about them all that much.

**John:** Going from joke writing, and we were also talking about punch-up rooms, we should get back to that, but going back to now you have to have development over the course of a half hour and have multiple characters’ voices, what was that like for you? Did you enjoy it? Do you want to do more of it?

**Patton:** Yes, I would love to be in another room like that, either on a staff or writing it. At this point, I’d like to be running it or I have a central vision that you bring in. There is something ultimately I feel confident and courageous about going, “Here’s the vision I have, but I am open enough and confident enough in it to have other people come in and upset it and show me things that I missed, that we can now add to the vision to make it better.” That to me is true confidence, so I’d love to do that again.

**John:** You’re talking about the room that builds from the ground up versus what we have more experience with is basically coming in to save a thing, because we’ve all done that. We’ve all done the rescue missions.

**Craig:** Yes, coming in to save a thing.

**John:** Sometimes it’s before production, last looks on a thing, but more often it’s something’s been shot, it doesn’t work, and here we are trying to fix the thing.

**Craig:** The dream of it, the platonic ideal of one of these things is, here’s a movie, and generally when you’re coming in to punch it up, it’s a comedy, and it’s a A-minus. It’s really good. We’re just looking. There’s a couple of moments here. Actually, what wonderful things can you brilliant people come up with that we can make this even better with? What it really turns out to be usually is, here’s a man that, he swallowed a grenade, it blew up. Put the pieces back together, please, but make him better looking. You’re like, “What?”

**Patton:** Exactly. It’s like when I would do punch-up on these animated films. We talked about this. They’re a hundred-million-dollar animated film. The thing is 75% finished. Then you would come in, “If you move the… “ “No, we can’t. We’ve already made the movie. Just think of things for characters to yell off screen.” I remember saying to different producers, “If you would do these same rooms but have us work on the script rather than the completed movie, you’ll end up with a better movie and you’re spending your money better.”

**Craig:** Yeah, wouldn’t it be better? They can’t imagine that they’re not getting it right the first time.

**Patton:** No, they can’t. I’ve also been in a lot of rooms where clearly, I’m not going to name names, but there was a movie that I worked on where it was a terrible comedy. It was a live-action comedy. A bunch of us did a room on it. Then when it was done, the original writer, who farted out the worst script you’ve ever read, and probably bought a pool with it, came back and was like, “I want only my name on this script.” All of us were like, “Absolutely, dude. It’s all yours.”

**Craig:** No fights.

**Patton:** Then he got angry, like, “Why is nobody fighting me for this?” It was like, because even with all our work, we didn’t make this thing good. This thing still sucked. Happy to have my name as far away from this as possible.

**Craig:** I don’t know why executives think this thing of saying stuff off camera is magic. If you had a really good joke in the script to begin with, would you not want to see it?

**Patton:** Yeah, see someone say it.

**Craig:** Also, these things are being yelled off screen. No one’s reacting to them because they weren’t there.

**Patton:** Exactly.

**Craig:** How could this possibly be good? I have another bone to pick about these rooms. That is when I started out, so we’re talking the ‘90s, they would give you $5,000 to sit there for a couple hours, a sandwich, and then another couple hours.

**Patton:** I remember that.

**Craig:** Now it’s like, “How about you come in for a thousand dollars all day?” A, fuck, and B, you. How dare you? What the fuck is that? I’ve been going on about this forever. It’s sick how much they… The new thing now is they’ll do these rooms, not for comedies, they’ll do them for any movie. They’ll do them early on, before anyone’s written anything.

**John:** [Crosstalk 00:47:47].

**Craig:** I got a call like, “Oh, we’re going to remake this movie. Come and join these other eight people. We’re going to give you a thousand dollars, and you’re going to basically figure out what the movie should be. Then you’ll fuck off, and somebody will write it.” No.

**Patton:** Exactly.

**John:** I will say, on live-action features when you’re trying to do loop lines or ADR where basically over somebody’s back we’re going to throw a line there, that’s absurd.

**Patton:** Oh my god, I’ve written so many things for people’s backs.

**Craig:** Backs, yes.

**John:** With some of these animated movies, there is still time. You can change the mouth movement. We can get a line in that character’s mouth, and so they can actually say it on camera, which is a slight difference from before. Brainy Smurf can say that thing that Patton thought of.

**Patton:** A lot of times they’re at a point where, “We can’t pay for new animation,” or they don’t want to. Again, you are writing dialog for the back of an animated character’s head.

**Craig:** Which you generally don’t see much.

**Patton:** Holy shit. One of the weirdest things I ever heard, I did a panel one time with Thomas Haden Church, and he said that they… He was in that movie, the live-action George of the Jungle. He said that they did a very early screening with audience notes. “One of the notes I got was the first big laugh 10 minutes in the movie, some animal farts, and it got a huge laugh.” When the movie came out, and I went to watch this, I went and watched it just to confirm what he said, the first 10 minutes of the movie, you just hear animals farting.

**John:** Amazing.

**Patton:** The studio just went in with a fart machine just trying to make it funnier. By the way, it shows you they don’t even need writers. They’re just like, “Oh, that sound was funny. Great, put it in there 50 times.”

**Craig:** They honestly believe that comedy is improved by quantity. They really do believe that.

**Patton:** Oh my god.

**Craig:** Like, “Oh my god, this was funny. Do it more.” No, it’s funny because we didn’t do it more. A well-placed fart can get a great laugh if it’s well placed. If it’s just farting, now it’s just annoying.

**Patton:** The original Ghostbusters, there’s a lot of problems with the original Ghostbusters, but it would be looked at as too slow and they gotta do way more jokes.

**Craig:** Of course.

**Patton:** Half the laughs come from Bill Murray just not reacting, taking in what some other weirdo just said. It’s why the Pythoners would fight to be the straight man in the sketch, because that’s the person that gets the laughs.

**Craig:** Of course. The reaction is what’s funny.

**Patton:** “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

**Craig:** Always. Solved the problems of the world again.

**Patton:** We did it.

**John:** We have a listener question, which actually feels relevant to Patton Oswalt answering it.

**Patton:** Oh, boy.

**Craig:** Here we go.

**John:** This is Becca from Australia, who writes, “I’m writing a film that has many scenes at a comedy club with multiple characters performing snippets of stand-up routines. Ideally, these characters would be cast with real comedians who had their own sets and we could use pieces of it. Is it okay for me to indicate that? Basically, instead of writing a joke for them, I would like the actor comedian to use their own material. If so, how would I do this?”

**Patton:** A couple things there. Write a joke for them each, but let them know before they do it, “Hey, if you want to riff something here or if you’re okay… “ You have to let them know that this bit will now be part of this movie, whatever you’re doing.

**Craig:** What if, let’s say it’s not even a comedy. Let’s say it’s a drama or two people are meeting each other and they’re at a comedy club, and funny things are happening on stage, and that’s leading into an argument that they have later. Let’s say that’s not her strong suit. At that point, should she just pick some stuff that she’s heard and then just notate?

**Patton:** No. Let the comedians know, “Hey, there’s this thing you do. Yuod be so perfect for this scene.” Be very, very up front with them about that, because again, I’ve seen a lot of… I’m not going to name names. I’ve seen a lot of comedians’ bits suddenly find their way into movie scripts, where clearly someone went to a comedy club and went, “That’s a great line. I’m going to put that in there.”

**Craig:** You’re talking about my 2012 movie Ham Suicide. Guilty.

**Patton:** My attorneys have said I can’t talk about it here. They really advised me against doing this podcast, but whatever.

**Craig:** Whatever.

**Patton:** Just be very, very open about, “Hey, this… “ Make sure they are compensated and they are the ones getting the credit for it. Be very, very careful with that.

**Craig:** When it comes to showing the script to all the people that are going to come before that moment, the producers or anybody else, maybe you just in action say, “So-and-so is up there doing a great bit about so-and-so.” If that’s what’s essential is, okay, I just need the reader to know that the story’s going to be about divorce on stage, and that’s going to impact the discussion I have with my boyfriend after the show, that would be enough. You don’t want to just write bad comedy.

**Patton:** No. Also, writing stand-up comedy, as people find out when you watch movies, and the same with them when you see movies or TV shows about a band or music, really hard to write good stuff. Nothing is more cringey than when you watch a movie and they’re like, “This song is going to… “ You’re like, “No, it won’t. In the world of this movie, this song’s going to be a massive hit. This song is horrible. What the fuck are you doing?”

**Craig:** That’s why That Thing You Do is one of the greatest songs that has ever been written ever.

**Patton:** They actually wrote a good song.

**Craig:** They actually wrote a good song.

**Patton:** It was catchy. I can see how that would be a fun regional hit in the ‘60s.

**Craig:** Absolutely.

**Patton:** I get it. Makes sense. They actually wrote a good song.

**Craig:** That’s a great song.

**Patton:** As an example, I just did an episode of a TV show where I played myself at a roast, and they wrote roast bits for me.

**Craig:** That’s a good example.

**Patton:** Then I said, “Hey, can I tweak these a little bit?” because I’m like, “This is very situational. Anything I write, I won’t use anywhere else, because it’s about roasting this character. Fine, I’ll totally do that.” That was fine.

**Craig:** Because otherwise, you’d get that weird Uncanny Valley of it’s Patton and it’s sort of Patton but it’s not Patton.

**Patton:** Also, you can see in my face I didn’t write this and this isn’t in my voice, and I can’t really land this right now.

**John:** Let’s talk a little bit about voice, because you’re an actor. 287 credits on IMDb. So many actor credits. When you’re cast in a funny role, are there lines that are just like, “If I could say this in my own voice, if I could say this in my own way, it would make more sense.” How do you navigate that as an actor? I’m sure we have many actors listening here.

**Patton:** You have to be very, very open with the director and pray that you don’t get one of those directors that’s like, “My words are scripture.” A, first and foremost, your job as an actor is to make the lines work. By the way, that goes the other way too. There’s too much of a cult now of improvisation, of an actor gets a script, throws it out the window.

**Craig:** Don’t do that.

**Patton:** First, sit down and read the script, because sometimes the lines are really good, and you’ll look good if you say them. Then pick your spots where like, “Oh, I could actually improve this if we tweak this.” Don’t have that, “Every single line I’ve got to change and put my peanut butter fingerprints all over,” because then you’re not playing the character anymore. You have wedged yourself into this movie or TV show, and then it doesn’t work, or it might work for that one thing, but then you’ll be expected to do that every time, and then you won’t get to play other characters, and it will cut your career short.

**Craig:** There’s a thing that happens where just like you are carefully crafting setups and payoffs, threading in things in a certain way with a certain tone, there are actors who don’t maybe see some of the invisible threads and begin stumbling through stuff to make this moment better or this moment funnier, but they don’t understand that they just broke something. It’s down the line. To me, the smart actors are the ones who actually can see all that. Then it’s about trust. You trust me. I trust you. I’ll come and tell you if I think you’re breaking something. Otherwise, let’s have fun.

**Patton:** You can tell when someone is insecure, especially as a comedic actor, when they start yammering away too in a sketch, or a scene where someone is starting to get on a role and they’ll, “I’ll jump on that too.” Second City Training was all about if everyone in the scene is trying to make each other person better, then the whole scene explodes and everyone’s great in it. A great example, this is why Amy Poehler is such a frigging genius is when I was doing that filibuster on Parks and Rec-

**John:** Amazing.

**Patton:** … a lesser person would’ve tried to jump in and say a million things. She just held back.

**Craig:** There’s one moment, right?

**Patton:** There’s two moments. One of them got quoted. The female part is not very well developed actually. He knew exactly, it will make it funnier and make me seem funnier if I’m slowly listening to this and going, “Oh, my. Oh, no, no, no, no, no,” and then acting like I don’t want to hear this, and then get invested in it and yell something. She knew exactly where to pick her spot.

**Craig:** Zach Galifianakis was great at that. When we were making the Hangover movies, he would get very excited if he had one line in a scene.

**Patton:** You have to wait.

**Craig:** He loved that. That was his favorite thing, because he knew, by the way, that that was going to be the moment. He had no problem. “Let everything else around me be funny, and I’ll just do my one little thing.” Sometimes less is more.

**Patton:** “I didn’t know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.”

**Craig:** Oh my god. Oh my god.

**Patton:** Boom.

**Craig:** God.

**Patton:** Boom.

**Craig:** Zachy, the greatest.

**John:** It’s come time for our One Cool Things. Craig, did you remember a One Cool Thing this week?

**Craig:** I did. I did. I have an interesting One Cool Thing this week. The American Academy of Pediatrics I think has a new recommendation now regarding childhood obesity. There are these new medications that they’re using now, like Wegovy. I had to look it up. It’s semaglutide or something like that. I’m somebody that I have weight management issues. Weight management issues I think for the longest time, because we’re Americans and Calvinists at heart, was like, “Oh, you’re heavy because Satan will take you soon.”

**Patton:** Because you’re a sinner.

**Craig:** Because you’re a sinner. Literally, gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. It was always a function of willpower. What’s fascinating to me is that we’ve just ignored the things right in front of us. For instance, when you’re out with people with other kids, so we’re all dads, we’ve raised our children. There are children whose parents have to tell them, “You have to eat.” They’re begging their kids to eat. “You will eat. Sit down and eat.” Those kids don’t want to eat, because they’re not hungry.

**Patton:** Their body would tell them to eat.

**Craig:** Those kids are not not eating because they have enormous self-control. They have no self-control. They can’t even stay in their seat. What it comes down to is some people biologically have higher hunger cues and reduced satiety cues than other people. We know this because there’s chemicals that can make us want to eat more or eat less.

What’s really interesting now is that they’re basically saying, “Hey look, there’s all these drugs that will help.” We’re not saying that we shouldn’t accept people at any size they are, but we are saying that the whole, “Hey, just get on the treadmill, kid,” or, “Just eat less, kid,” that shit doesn’t work. We have now decades of it not… In fact, not only is it not working, it makes it work. I think this is a really interesting thing now where finally, medicine is pulling away from the whole model of, “You don’t have enough willpower,” and moving much towards the model of-

**Patton:** It’s a character flaw in you.

**Craig:** Exactly. This has nothing to do with character at all. We know that this is genetic. We know that it’s passed on from parent to child. We know all of this. Let’s start treating it as it is. Let’s also let people off the fucking hook about it, at least to remove the psychological component of it and to have doctors be less judgey. Doctors with kids, if your kid has a weight problem, doctors are awful about it, or have been. I think this is a very good development. I’m not shilling for Big Pharma. I have no stock in these companies. I just think more just as a shift in how we approach these things is a cool thing.

**Patton:** Maybe there’s a shift happening. That’s good.

**Craig:** I would hope so.

**Patton:** I like that.

**John:** Patton, do you have anything to share with our listeners?

**Patton:** Yeah. This is not as life-changing, but there is a company called Beehive Books. They are, like a lot of smaller publishing companies, Hingston and Olsen and Centipede Press, these are people that are just bit with the book bug, and they love making beautiful books. There ain’t any money in it for them, but they do these gorgeous, large, illuminated editions of stuff like Crime and Punishment and The Island of Dr. Moreau and The Blazing World. They are doing a thing. It keeps getting delayed. I already have my pre-order in. This is a One Cool Thing that’s a little bit expensive [crosstalk 01:00:25].

**Craig:** I do it all the time.

**Patton:** It cost $400. I’m sorry. I couldn’t not get this. As you know, the novel Dracula, much like Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, much like Stephen King’s Carrie are epistological novels, it’s a collections of letters and articles and stuff.

**Craig:** Epistolary.

**Patton:** Epistolary, thank you.

**Craig:** Epistolary.

**Patton:** Epistological, Jesus.

**Craig:** You idiot. Get off the show.

**Patton:** Dracula is a collection of diaries, letters, newspaper articles, a recorded diary by a psychiatrist that tells this whole story. They are putting out a thing called Dracula: The Evidence. What it is is a Victorian era suitcase.

**Craig:** Oh, wow.

**Patton:** In it is Jonathan Harker’s diary, Lucy’s letters.

**Craig:** Oh, cool.

**Patton:** Seward’s phonograph record, newspaper. It is the story of Dracula, but done as if you’re going through the evidence of a case.

**Craig:** Physical objects.

**Patton:** It is so goddamn gorgeous. There are apparently supply line problems. They are still hammering away at this.

**Craig:** Was it a Kickstarter thing?

**Patton:** Yes.

**Craig:** I know whenever I back something on Kickstarter-

**Patton:** Oh yeah, you gotta wait.

**Craig:** Multiply your promised timeline by seven. That’s when I’ll get it.

**Patton:** Just the idea that this company is putting this much work for what… They know there’s no profit in this. I love people that are like, “I want to see this in the world.” That motivation is becoming more and more endangered every single day. It’s why they’re going to make you pay if you want to use texting authentication on Twitter, because there are people, and right now they are in control of everything, that are like, “How can this be monetized? How can every part of this be monetized?” They don’t understand that you’re making more than enough money to live on. They have never understood that, because they don’t enjoy anything.

**Craig:** They actually don’t understand passion at all.

**Patton:** Exactly. Beehive Books, all it is is people that just enjoy cool stuff. If you can support them in any way, go to their website, because the illuminated books that they put out are frigging gorgeous. Their Great Gatsby is insane.

**Craig:** Beehive Books.

**Patton:** Beehive Books.

**John:** Fantastic.

**Craig:** I’m in the market for some. By the way, Beehive Books is a great phrase for the guy who has B fat.

**Patton:** There you go. Beehive Books.

**Craig:** Beehive Books.

**Patton:** I forgot who said the phrase, but books decorate a room. If you’re one of those people that does the, “I have this shelf, and these are all red books, and these are all yellow books, and these are all green [inaudible 01:02:56] with the colors,” if you’re going to do that, then do that and put money toward a good company, because my god, these will make your shelves look amazing.

**Craig:** Awesome.

**John:** Awesome. My One Cool Thing was going to be Poker Face, which I agree is fantastic, but I’m going to do a follow-up act, which is Melanie Lynskey was filling in on Dear Prudence. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column.

**Patton:** That’s right. She was.

**John:** She did an amazing job, not surprisingly. She’s very smart and very thoughtful and very kind. Her advice answering questions about marriage, grandchildren, driving, your spouse’s friends-

**Craig:** Plus all with that amazing accent, an accent that makes me the happiest of them all.

**John:** It’s all a text thing, and yet you-

**Craig:** You can hear her accent through it?

**John:** You can hear her accent through a text thing.

**Craig:** I love her. Did I tell you about the vendetta thing? We were talking about her character. I was explaining, “Okay, here’s what your character is. Here’s what she does. Here’s what motivates her.” She goes, “Right, so she’s got a bit of a vendetta.” I have been saying, “Bit of a vendetta,” to her now for months.

**Patton:** A, it sounds like an Australian brand of cheese.

**Craig:** Bit of vendetta.

**Patton:** B, there’s a guy. Oh my god, can I do two Cool Things?

**John:** Please, go for it.

**Patton:** On rogerebert.com, one of their film critics is this kid named Scout Tafoya. Scout Tafoya every month does a column, but it’s a video essay called The Unloved. He will take a movie that did not get massive critical appraise, or even it got trashed, and make a beautiful video essay argument using images from other films as well, to put it in its proper context. “Actually, this is a brilliant film, and here’s why.” That series was so popular that it spawned all these offshoots.

There’s one called Danger Mouse, which is about the years of Disney after Disney died but before The Little Mermaid, when they made these weirdly brilliant movies like Dragon Slayer and The Black Cauldron and The Journey of Natty Gann, where it’s like, wow, Disney got dark and brilliant. There’s one called Other West, which are Westerns that are almost not Westerns. They are on the outskirts of Westerns.

There’s one called Murderers’ Row. Murderers Row is a video essay on a specific actor or actress. He did one on Keith Carradine, did one on Jared Harris, and did one on Melanie Lynskey. The one on Melanie Lynskey is so beautiful. So beautiful. It’s one of those things where he’s like, “She’s been in front of us all along. How is she not struggling to claw her way out of a mountain of awards that have been dumped on her? It’s ridiculous.”

**Craig:** The mountain is about to start piling up, for sure.

**John:** It’s [crosstalk 01:05:27].

**Craig:** I’ve just been saying forever that I think she’s the best actor walking on the face of the planet.

**Patton:** There’s a moment at the end of his little essay, it’s called Murderers’ Row, where they show a scene from this. There’s no words in the scene either. It’s just her looking and having… I can’t even describe it to you. My god. She’s amazing.

**Craig:** She’s amazing.

**Patton:** Truly amazing.

**Craig:** To make it even more improbable, she’s also impossibly the nicest person walking on this planet.

**Patton:** I would imagine she is insanely nice.

**Craig:** Even for a New Zealander, she’s nice.

**Patton:** I did a movie with her, and she was so nice.

**Craig:** She’s incredible.

**Patton:** She’s the coolest person.

**Craig:** Just so beautiful. She’s got a bit of a vendetta though.

**John:** That was our show for this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt.

**Craig:** What what.

**John:** It’s edited this week by Matthew Chilelli. Our outro this week is by Timothy Lenko. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions. You can find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s also where you’ll find transcripts and sign up for our weekly newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing.

**Patton:** Thanks for the sponsorship from DoorToDoorDildos.org. If you need a dildo, 24 hours a day, go to Door To Door Dildos, download our app. All kinds of sizes, colors brought to your door. Thank you, Door To Door Dildos, for supporting the arts.

**Craig:** It’s a better name that what they used to be, which is Dildochimp. That was a good change on their part. I assume that that’s improved sales.

**Patton:** I argued for DildoDash, but they couldn’t-

**John:** They couldn’t clear it.

**Craig:** Lawsuits.

**Patton:** They couldn’t get trademarks.

**Craig:** Lawsuits.

**John:** You can sign up to become a Premium member at scriptnotes.net where you get all the back-episodes and Bonus Segments. Patton Oswalt, an absolute delight having you on the show.

**Craig:** So much fun.

**Patton:** I would love to come back down the road.

**Craig:** Oh my gosh.

**Patton:** This was amazing.

**Craig:** Come back.

**Patton:** Thank you.

**Patton:** Let’s just make it a three-person show.

**Patton:** Hell yeah.

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** This is a pet peeve. I can’t think of a lot of examples. Maybe you could think of more examples. Characters who keep secrets for no reason. My frustration is, this is a recent movie I watched where a major character says, “Oh, I didn’t tell you about this thing that happened to me, but now it’s basically a crisis, and there’s no time for me to explain it to you now.” She could’ve told the secret any time in the last 10 years, and she’s not doing it, but only because of plot reasons, we’re now doing it.

**Patton:** I’m going to give you an example of, without this misunderstanding, there’s no movie. There is a great movie. Didn’t get the attention I thought it should. It came out in 2005 by director/producer/writer Richard Shepard. It is a movie called The Matador with Pierce Brosnan and Hope Davis and Greg Kinnear.

Here’s the basic plot. Greg Kinnear is a bored Ohio businessman, salesman, whatever, has to go down to Mexico on some trip. In Mexico, meets an about-to-retire assassin who’s having a nervous breakdown, played by Pierce Brosnan. Basically, Pierce Brosnan plays James Bond if James Bond had a massive PTSD attack. Then they become friends. He shows him how to go through a hit. They don’t actually kill anybody, but he shows here’s how it would actually be done. It’s very exciting, this crazy adventure.

Then after the first half an hour, 45 minutes, he goes back to Ohio. Then Pierce Brosnan’s character then shows up in Greg Kinnear’s life in Ohio, because people are trying to kill him and he needs a place to hide. He walks in and he introduces himself in the house. He goes, “Hi. I met your husband in Mexico.” Then the wife, Hope Davis, goes, “Is this the hitman you met that showed you how to do… “ Now, a lesser movie would have him go, “Yes, he’s a carpet salesman,” and they would be doing this ha bah bah bah bah. No. Of course he went home and said-

**John:** He told his wife.

**Patton:** “I was in Mexico. I met this hitman, and he showed me this stuff. We didn’t kill anybody. It was really weird.” “Oh my god, that’s great.” Pierce Brosnan is shocked for a second. Then you see him go, “This guy’s a schlub. I’m the most exciting thing that’s-“

**Craig:** Of course.

**Patton:** Of course he’s going to go tell his wife about this. Then the movie proceeds from there. The shock of that, the shock that they’re not going to do this fucking bullshit stuff makes the movie so much more fun to watch. Have people reveal shit early, and then see where the story goes. That’s my example of the anti-version of that.

**Craig:** Gross Point Blank does that with the same thing of hitman the whole time. He’s a hitman. He goes back for his high school reunion. Everyone’s like, “What are you up to?” He goes, “I’m a hitman.” Then people’s reaction was correct.

We love comedies of errors. We like farces. Farces are based on misunderstandings and lies and all the rest of it, which is fine, but they have to be justified. I’m not going to say what it is, because I don’t want to get legions of fans screaming at me.

There is something where I really enjoy it, but my frustration is there are characters who continually keep things from each other and will continually say things like, “Can you just trust me?” “What’s going on with you?” “I can’t tell you right now, but can you just trust me?” I’m like, “You can tell the person right now.” There is no reason for them to trust you, because telling them won’t impact anything at all other than the fact that you don’t want them to. It’s an artificial relationship separator.

**Patton:** It gets very frustrating when you see that. You’re like, “This could all be solved. Just tell him right now! What the fuck?”

**Craig:** Exactly. This is another one. One of my favorites is someone will come up to somebody. It’s a minor version of a pointless secret keeper. “I need you to see something.” “Okay, what?” “Just follow me.” No, you can tell me what I’m going to see, and then I’ll go see it. I’m not a child.

**Patton:** By the way, it still doesn’t ruin the movie for me, because the movie’s still so much goddamn fun. If you pay attention when you watch the original Die Hard, really fun film, but when they’re breaking into the vault, the guy, that African American actor who was on Walker Texas Ranger is like, “You know I can’t do the electromagnetic field. I can only do the coding.” He goes, “You let me worry about that.” Then later on, when the FBI cuts the power, he’s like, “You asked for a miracle.” It’s like, let’s back up for a second. He recruited this team of the top thieves. These are professionals.

**John:** They knew each other before that night. It wasn’t like they just met.

**Patton:** Clearly, they had walked the building. They have that great thing where they’re counting the… They know where everything is. They must’ve brought up, “There’s an electromagnetic lock.” He’s like, “I got that.”

**Craig:** That’s the even worse part.

**Patton:** That means they all went, “Let’s roll the dice. Let’s do it and see what happens!”

**Craig:** He only brings it up really there as if he’s, “By the way, I should’ve mentioned this earlier, but I forgot. Actually, we can’t do this. The whole thing won’t work.” You get the sense that he never mentioned it even before.

**Patton:** Exactly.

**Craig:** If he had said, “Listen,” early on, “Just so you know, the thing that I told you I can’t do, I can’t do.” Also, what’s the point of keeping that secret? Like, “Oh, and then here’s what’ll happen. Then we’ll get there. I know you can’t do the thing. Don’t worry about it. The FBI’s standard procedure is to… “ Now, obviously we know why they did it. It’s because they want to surprise the audience.

**Patton:** It’s a fun turn. There were ways they could’ve done that though writing-wise that you realize they all knew that going in, but we don’t get that reveal.

**Craig:** Sometimes when it’s just a pure plot thing, I think everybody just lets it go because they’re having fun. Alan Rickman did such a great job of selling the line.

**Patton:** So fucking good.

**Craig:** When it comes to relationships, that’s where I struggle, when people are not just saying something they would say. That is a sign that the relationship is not well crafted, in my opinion.

**Patton:** Also because everyone’s instinct in life is to solve, solve, solve. Is there a problem right now? Solve it. What can I say to solve this? The idea of someone keeping something quiet for a decade and letting this problem hang between them, human beings don’t do that.

**Craig:** No, we’re constantly telling each other everything.

**John:** I asked this question on Twitter. I was describing this situation basically where you have a character who could reveal something at any point but it’s not revealed and it’s frustrating as an audience, but without naming the movie. A bunch of people in the comments were like, “Are you talking about this movie [inaudible 01:14:17]?” Clearly, it was a big enough factor for a lot of people, they were all noticing [inaudible 01:14:21].

**Craig:** I don’t know which one it is, because I haven’t seen anything written lately.

**John:** [Crosstalk 01:14:26] movies. I will say, Patton, you’re new to the show, Episode 527 is our Die Hard deep dive, where we spend a full hour just going through-

**Craig:** I wonder if we mentioned this when we did-

**John:** I think we may have.

**Craig:** We may have.

**John:** We’ll check the transcripts on that.

**Craig:** It is funny.

**Patton:** I, again, just discovered this podcast. Going to go back. I’ll go right back to 527. I love a good Die Hard deep dive. What a crazy movie.

**Craig:** We do a deep dive on Die Hard, Raiders.

**John:** Little Mermaid.

**Craig:** Ghost, Little Mermaid.

**Patton:** We all know the line on Raiders, again, [crosstalk 01:14:57].

**Craig:** Of course.

**Patton:** Indiana Jones [inaudible 01:14:59].

**Craig:** If he just does nothing, everything’s fine.

**Patton:** World War II would’ve ended early, Hitler would’ve died if he had kept his nose out of that shit.

**Craig:** Just don’t do anything. That is true.

**Patton:** Even deeper, they’re digging in the wrong place. He brings the [inaudible 01:15:14]. If he just left them, they never would’ve fucking found it!

**Craig:** They would’ve never found it. They would’ve been like, “You know what? Tanis is bullshit. Let’s go home.”

**John:** I want to see a Spielberg Q and A where you stand up and just really let him have it on this point.

**Patton:** That’d be great for my career. “Sir, excuse me. Patton Oswalt from Basic Cable. Listen.”

**John:** The Fabelmans aside, I [inaudible 01:15:36].

**Craig:** That’s awesome.

**John:** Patton Oswalt, thank you for being on the show.

**Craig:** Thank you, Patton.

**Patton:** Thanks for having me, guys. Thank you.

Links:

* [Patton Oswalt](https://pattonoswalt.com/) on [IMDb](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0652663/), [Twitter](https://twitter.com/pattonoswalt) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/pattonoswalt/)
* [“Wackity Schmackity Doo!” from Patton Oswalt’s Werewolves and Lollipops](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stuFuQOaHzM)
* [Animation of Patton’s “Christmas Shoes” joke](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq10bz3PxyY)
* [“The Ham Incident” from Patton Oswalt’s Finest Hour](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOyAlOWPuoY)
* [M.O.D.O.K.](https://www.hulu.com/series/202e4b17-c57e-4a2d-9c1d-342e3a092a22) on Hulu
* [Silver Screen Fiend](https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Silver-Screen-Fiend/Patton-Oswalt/9781451673227) by Patton Oswalt
* [Clinical Practice Guideline for the Evaluation and Treatment of Children and Adolescents With Obesity](https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/151/2/e2022060640/190443/Clinical-Practice-Guideline-for-the-Evaluation-and?autologincheck=redirected) by the American Academy of Pediatrics
* [Dracula: The Evidence](https://shop.beehivebooks.com/products/dracula) by [Beehive Books](https://beehivebooks.com/)
* [Melanie Lynskey answers questions for Dear Prudence](https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/01/melanie-lynskey-dear-prudence-advice-week.html)
* [Murderers’ Row – Melanie Lynskey](https://vimeo.com/244123581) by Scout Tafoya
* [The Unloved](https://www.rogerebert.com/mzs/the-unloved-part-110-tank-girl) by Scout Tafoya for RogerEbert.com
* [Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!](https://cottonbureau.com/people/scriptnotes-podcast)
* [Check out the Inneresting Newsletter](https://inneresting.substack.com/)
* [Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/gifts) or [treat yourself to a premium subscription!](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/)
* [Craig Mazin](https://www.instagram.com/clmazin/) on Instagram
* [John August](https://twitter.com/johnaugust) on Twitter
* [John on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/johnaugust/?hl=en)
* [John on Mastodon](https://mastodon.art/@johnaugust)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Timothy Lenko ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* Scriptnotes is produced by [Drew Marquardt](https://www.instagram.com/marquardtam/) and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/589Standard.mp3).

Scriptnotes, Episode 588: Changing of the Guard, Transcript

March 30, 2023 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2023/changing-of-the-guard).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** This is Episode 588 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Today on the show, what happens when a beloved character leaves a long-running program? How should writers think about replacing them, and does it have to change the fundamental dynamics? We’ll look at examples from the past 50 years and the past few days, because Craig, I have to tell you something. Megana Rao, our producer, she’s gone.

**Craig:** Now, when you say she’s gone, is she dead?

**John:** She is not dead at all. It’s actually very good news. She has been staffed on a television program. She’s now on the writing staff of a show. We’re so excited and happy for her, but also sad that she’s not here to laugh at all your jokes and be awesome.

**Craig:** Basically, we’re going to go back to the old days where I say something that I think is legitimately funny and then there’s just-

**John:** Silence.

**Craig:** … a weird, creepy, silent pause. I have to tip my hat to the great Megana Rao. We’ve had a lot of terrific producers along the way, a lot of people doing excellent work. Obviously, the legendary Stuart.

**John:** The legendary Stuart Friedel.

**Craig:** Here’s a question for you, John. It’s related to Megana. You watch Saturday Night Live, I assume.

**John:** Of course. Of course.

**Craig:** You have for so, so long, like so many of us. Most valuable player, and the way I’ll define it is the person that-

**John:** Kenan.

**Craig:** There’s quality and length. We’re going to use two things. You can absolutely say Kenan. It’s for how good and for how long. You’re saying Kenan.

**John:** I don’t think you can top Kenan Thompson. I think he was the glue that has held together through so many cast changes. That’s my guess. Tell me who you think is the MVP there.

**Craig:** For me, the MVP is Kristen Wiig.

**John:** She was amazing, but yet the show has continued without her.

**Craig:** Sure. Look, the show will continue without Kenan. The show will never end.

**John:** It will never end.

**Craig:** I guess the interesting thing is you can absolutely make a great argument for Kenan, and he’s still there. There are some people that through quality and time put in become MVPs. Megana’s going to be a tough person to beat.

**John:** Absolutely true.

**Craig:** She was great.

**John:** I think we have to acknowledge that the job of producer for Scriptnotes is really a behind-the-scenes role, and Megana was the first to really step forward, because her laughter permeated through, and then she started reading questions, and then she just became a regular fixture on the show. We are sad to lose her.

I want to talk a little bit about the moment she left, because it was a Tuesday afternoon. We’d done our normal staff meeting Zoom. She’s like, “Hey John, can I talk to you a little bit afterwards?” After everyone dropped off the Zoom, she said, “Hey, so I had a really good meeting with the showrunner this morning.” I was like, “That’s great.” She’s had a lot of showrunner meetings, so I knew stuff was percolating. Then she Slacked me later that afternoon and said, “They want me to start tomorrow.”

**Craig:** Wow.

**John:** That’s how it goes. That’s how it’s gone with previous assistants. That’s how it’s gone with Megan McDonald. I was prepared for it, but also you’re never quite prepared. This person who is invaluable to you is now moving on to another thing. That was how quickly it can happen, where you go from, “Hey, I’ve never heard of this show,” to suddenly you need to be in Glendale tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.

**Craig:** Wow. I am so proud of her and happy for her. I can’t think of a better addition. She’s going to be a delight, obviously. Not only did Megana read questions, but eventually Megana started having questions, which is also great.

**John:** She did. Oh, gosh. We need to get her back. There’s an open invitation. We’ve both extended an open invitation for her to come back-

**Craig:** Oh, of course.

**John:** … just so we can sing…

John and **Craig:** (singing) Megana Has a Question.

**Craig:** I will say, should one of us be struck down prematurely, I’d be perfectly happy with Megana filling in.

**John:** I get you there. I haven’t updated my will in a while.

**Craig:** That’s a great point. Should I leave everything to Megana?

**John:** Forget your family, Craig. Everything goes to Megana.

**Craig:** I think they would really struggle with that one. I gotta be honest. Like, “Wait, what?” She has that infectious laugh. I think that’s what I’ll cite in my will. She had an infectious laugh.

**John:** Indeed. She Slacked this morning and she said, “I will be back soon, so don’t get used to my absence.”

**Craig:** Great.

**John:** “Same to the listenership. Please remind Craig that I love him and I am validating his feelings/laughing at his jokes from above in the Valley.”

**Craig:** Aw.

**John:** “Also, I am very excited for more folks to meet Drew, because he’s lovely,” which is a great segue.

**Craig:** Let’s talk about Drew. Drew’s right here, right?

**John:** Drew’s right here.

**Drew Marquardt:** That’s really nice.

**John:** Drew Marquardt, you’ve heard him on the podcast before. He was our Scriptnotes summer intern who has been helping out with the Scriptnotes book. He is now going to be producing the Scriptnotes podcast. Welcome, Drew.

**Craig:** Welcome, Drew.

**Drew:** Thank you so much. It’s bittersweet. I miss Megana, but I’m very excited to be here.

**Craig:** We get that.

**John:** Fantastic.

**Craig:** Quick question. Your name is interesting. I like it. I assume that it’s Scandinavian of some kind.

**Drew:** I think it’s French German, and I think I pronounce it wrong is basically what I’ve learned.

**Craig:** When I see that name, I think MAHR-kahrt. What do you say?

**Drew:** I think that’s the correct pronunciation. I say mahr-KWAHRT, like a qu.

**Craig:** Oh, you go qu.

**Drew:** We lean into the Q-U, yeah.

**Craig:** Fair enough. I’m glad that I’m doing it right at least, because that’s how I would guess. I guess if it’s French, you would… No, French would be qu, right? Mahr-KWAHRT. Oh, no, but then it’s kahrt if it’s… I don’t know. You know what? You get to decide how your name is pronounced. It’s your name.

**Drew:** The Midwest changed it. I think it’s mahr-KWAHRT. Running with it. It’s mahr-KWAHRT.

**Craig:** Oh, isn’t that a university, Marquardt?

**Drew:** There’s a Marquette.

**Craig:** Oh, that’s what I’m thinking of, Marquette. Either way, you’re the producer now. Oh, man.

**John:** Drew, we’re going to be hearing from you later on in the podcast, because you’ll get to ask the questions that our listeners have asked. We have a whole big mailbag to get through of those. In our Bonus Segment for Premium Members, I want to talk about drugs. Specifically, Craig, I want to talk about prescription drugs and the best ways to navigate our dumb drug health care system in the United States, because we’re doing it wrong.

**Craig:** I’m excited for that conversation. I am armed with interesting insight from spending so much time in Canada and so much time with my Canadian friends. I used to over-romanticize the Canadian system. My Canadian friends have been giving me a different point of view on it. We have pluses and minuses on either side of the border here.

**John:** For sure. From my time living in Paris, try to get an Advil, good luck. Pluses and minuses. I think I actually have some more pluses to offer our listeners-

**Craig:** Great.

**John:** … because everyone has to get prescription drugs.

**Craig:** Indeed.

**John:** We’ll talk about that. First some follow-up.

**Craig:** Great.

**John:** A few episodes back, I mentioned that I was having some trouble some mornings looking at my monitor. Things were fuzzy, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on, did I need to go get medium distance reading glasses. Several of our brilliant listeners wrote in, including an actual ophthalmologist, who said, “John, what you actually have is dry eyes, and you just need to put in some eyedrops.” They were absolutely correct. Now I have this little thing of eyedrops by my monitor. If I can’t read, I put in some eyedrops, and it’s better.

**Craig:** Suddenly you can. Nice. How about that?

**John:** I needed no surgery, need no glasses. I just needed some eyedrops.

**Craig:** That’s the way we like to imagine medicine works. We have this very complicated problem that some city slicker doctor would send you into the MRI for. Then the old country doctor’s like, “Kid, you just need some cinnamon,” and then you’re fine. I like this.

**John:** I tried putting cinnamon in my eyes, and it just didn’t work.

**Craig:** Try harder. Put in more. That’s the answer. Really rub it in there. Kids at home, do not put cinnamon in your eyes.

**John:** There’s no new cinnamon challenge that Craig is offering. Don’t do this.

**Craig:** For the love of God.

**John:** When Aline was on two episodes ago, we were answering a listener question about staffing while pregnant. We invited our listeners to send in their experiences, and two of them did. Craig, I thought maybe you’d take this first one.

**Craig:** This is from A Formerly Pregnant, Current New Mom, Television Writer. She writes, “I stopped my walk while listening to this episode to write this because I’m a TV writer who was pregnant a year ago and had the same concerns about telling my reps. I did tell them early on, but I wish I had handled it differently and wanted to share my experience.

“Most of my reps are women and some others, so I thought that when I said I wanted to work in staff, they’d believe me, but turns out unconscious biases about pregnant women are everywhere. I soon realized my agent saw my due date as my end work date and weren’t putting me up for rooms that overlapped with it. They were sending far few open writing assignments and development opportunities my way. It took several follow-up conversations to correct course and I missed opportunities in that time.”

What she’s suggesting here is that, “When you do tell your reps, be extremely clear about what you want. Over-communicate, check in regularly, and even stretch the truth. If you want a couple of months off, tell you plan on one month and then you’ll assess. Remind them you can take eight weeks leave from a show with protection thanks to our union. My agents didn’t know that.

“One thing I was reminded of during this experience is that our reps have a very different work life. The moms on my team have stable jobs that afforded them long parental leaves. They projected their experiences onto me and assumed I’d want the same. While I would’ve loved more time off, we simply don’t have that luxury as contract workers. Ultimately, I think it’s a good idea to loop them in, since you want people in your corner to plan your year with. Remember, they will make their own assumptions about what you want, and you just can’t let them.” That’s very good insight there, I think.

**John:** We have great listeners. I want to thank her for sending that in. A second listener wrote in. This is Claytia. She writes, “A few years ago, I was a pregnant PA who wore baggy clothes to keep it concealed. When everyone found out, they made it a big deal and I hated it. Damn maternity pants. Flash forward to pregnancy number two, which overlapped with me getting staffed on my first show. I chose to notify my agent and manager in my second trimester when I was actually going out for staffing, and I was eight months pregnant when my room finally opened. I did call my showrunner before the room, and I told him, very enthusiastically, ‘We’re having a baby,’ and that was that. The AP knew my due date. I had the baby and was able to be back in the room virtually with accommodations. It was okay if I needed to be off camera, take time for doctor’s appointments, etc.

“I’ll admit I was nervous about how everyone would handle it, but I worked with some amazing folks who valued family and I made it my personal duty to bring my A-game to every meeting. My rule has always been to keep my pregnancy on a need-to-know basis. I’d play a game where I’d ask myself, if I were a non-gestational parent with a baby on the way, when would I share? Equality, you know. I just wanted to share that a pregnant lady in a room is possible, even at the lower level. If I had to do it over, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

**Craig:** That is very interesting. Thank you, Claytia. I don’t know if it’s KLAY-shuh or KLAY-tee-uh. It’s spelled C-L-A-Y-T-I-A. I haven’t encountered that name before. This is really interesting. When we had this question posed to us, the three of us gave our best insight. You and I gave it as current dads but former baby dads, and Aline gave it from the point of view of a current mom and a former baby mom.

All of us are 20 years away now or whatever, 18 years away from our last birth. The world changes, obviously, and so we’re all kind of guessing a little bit. This is really interesting to get these perspectives. I like the fact that there’s a little bit of an emphasis on open communication. I think that’s really great.

What’s striking me about this is this interesting point Claytia makes about non-gestational parents. First of all, I actually haven’t encountered that phrase before. I think it’s brilliant. I presume this means, for instance, if you have a surrogate or if you’re adopting and you know that there’s a child on the way.

**John:** Or if you’re a father.

**Craig:** Or if you’re a father. There you go. That’s interesting. We used to say expecting, but I guess that implies you’re actually carrying the baby. This is a great point. If you have someone who’s a surrogate or you’re a dad and you’re not carrying the baby yourself, it does seem like, yeah, I probably would mention that sort of thing. I think equality is exactly right, Claytia. I think that’s a great point.

**John:** Our friend Travis, I remember him having his first kid. He was on the WGA board. He had his first kid the day before his first WGA meeting. He’s also a staff writer in a room. There’s just a lot. Being a new parent is a lot, whether you’re actually physically giving birth or not. The difference is Travis was not visibly pregnant going through all that, but he was going through a big life change there too.

It’s a question of would he have necessarily told his reps about that? Would he have told his showrunner about that? I think it’s a great question. I think Claytia frames it really nicely.

**Craig:** If anybody is enterprising enough to dig back through very old published minutes of WA board meetings, they will see that in the board meeting of December of 2004, there’s an agenda item mentioning that I was not there before I was at the hospital where my second child was being born.

**John:** Very nice.

**Craig:** How about that? Eighteen years ago.

**John:** That’s crazy. Other good, happy news, my previous One Cool Thing, the thing that makes Craig giggle every time he sees it, My Year in Dicks, Pamela Ribon’s Oscar-nominated animated short film. It’s now streaming on Hulu. If you’re curious about it, and you want to watch it, it’s on Hulu now, so you should just watch it, because it’s so damn delightful.

**Craig:** Can I tell you something? I think it’s going to win.

**John:** I think it has a really good shot of winning. I don’t want to jinx it.

**Craig:** I don’t believe in jinxes. I honestly think it’s going to win. I’m not promoting one thing over another. I’m just saying I think it’s going to win.

**John:** I think it could. It has a buzzy title. It’s really, really well done.

**Craig:** Pam, what a deserving person. She’s just a wonderful person and an excellent writer, and this is very exciting. Very exciting.

**John:** We have a little bit of update about script consultants in Europe. We have letters in from Lorenz and from Sean. I’m just going to summarize here. Basically, script consultants aren’t employed by the state, so essentially, Lorenz is saying that you’re submitting a project for this program, you can go in with a script consultant attached to it. Basically, they have to be someone who’s qualified to do it with certifications, but you go in together, so it’s not like the state is going to apply one to you in the Austria system.

Then Sean wrote in saying that he got his first state-funded script editing job in Ireland. They paid him for the work that he did. Screen Ireland paid him, but they weren’t controlling him, because I think one of the issues we raised is if you have the state paying for things, they can try to influence how stuff is depicted. Both Sean and Lorenz said, “Yeah, I understand that concern, but that’s not actually how it works, because it’s not like there’s some government official who’s now going to come through and edit your script.” It seems like a better setup system than that.

**Craig:** That’s great. Listen, if it works to the benefit of the writers there, then fantastic. It’s a strange thing for us to wrap our minds around here, because Hollywood is such a privatized, corporate, capitalistic system, and not really subsidized much by the government. To the extent that the government subsidizes anything, it’s subsidizing the studios to get tax money back when they’re producing things.

It’s an interesting marriage of state and artist in Europe. I think it comes with benefits. It clearly comes with some limitations. I think the fact is we just have a much larger pool of financing to draw from here in the U.S., which is why Hollywood is the predominant television and film industry in the world and always has been.

**John:** Indeed. Two last little bits of follow-up. On Episode 587, we talked about these doppelganger murders, basically this woman who found somebody who looked like her and killed her to try to fake her own death. Megana saw a similar story. This is a woman who is convicted for poisoning her lookalike with cheesecake in order to conceal her identity.

**Craig:** What?

**John:** Really, I think the cheesecake was the missing element of this. A poison cheesecake.

**Craig:** What the hell? This is amazing. This is, it looks like two women in Queens, in New York. It looks like they’re both Eastern European, possibly Russian, from the names. Yeah, she’s Russian, and she had already done this once before.

“Viktoria Nasyrova was accused of fatally drugging a neighbor in her native Russia in 2014. She denied killing the woman.” Now she’s done it again. You know what? I feel like if you get picked up for the second time, you probably did the first one. It’s not like, “You know what? I got unfairly accused of something, but that gives me an idea.”

**John:** Unless you were a framer the second time because there was already suspicion the first time. It could be an extra level of deception there.

**Craig:** Listen, you’re right. There could be many layers to this cheesecake.

**John:** That’s terrible.

**Craig:** This is terrible. I retire.

**John:** Scriptnotes voted cheesecake as the 2022 best dessert. Remember our sweepstakes, our brackets?

**Craig:** Great. I’m completely there for that. I know it’s a little bit divisive. I know. I know it’s divisive, but cheesecake is one of the great desserts IMO.

**John:** Craig, speaking of Russia and Russians, have you seen the trailer for Tetris?

**Craig:** No. Is it about the creation of Tetris?

**John:** It’s about the creation and licensing of Tetris. It’s basically if you took the origin story of Tetris and did it as Chernobyl, kind of.

**Craig:** Oh, my.

**John:** I think it’s a really good trailer. Apple bought the movie. There’s a new Apple trailer out today for it, so take a look at the Tetris trailer.

**Craig:** I will jump on that after we finish recording.

**John:** “In the episode with Sarah Polley, Craig briefly mentioned having some problems with using child actors. How did those concerns impact the way you write scenes for child actors? For example, in Episode 5 of The Last of Us, it was amazing, but I would never let my 10-year-old watch scenes that the 10-year-old Keivonn Woodward acted in.”

Craig, I’ll just ask. Can you talk about your process of working with actors that young? What did he see? What did he know? You weren’t doing The Shining, where this kid doesn’t know that he’s actually in the movie. What was your process with working with him?

**Craig:** My kid was much younger. It’s a great question, Spencer. First things first, I don’t worry about those things when I’m writing the script. I think when you’re writing the script, you write the best script you can. Then you deal with the practicalities of how to work with child actors.

When it comes to content, one of the things we have is camera angles. If through editing, Keivonn stares at something and looks at it in horror, and then we see what he’s looking at, he may not be there to see that thing. In fact, he probably isn’t, because any time a child actor, the camera isn’t actively pointing at them, they’re not there, because you’re on the clock with kid actors. Every minute is precious, because you get so few of them, as opposed to adult actors that they show up and they put in their 12-hour day. A lot of times they’re not seeing the things you see.

In the case of Episode 5, so much of the stuff that was going on there, he was not there to see, or it was greatly enhanced by visual effects, so it wasn’t as gory or as horrifying. That’s it. There were a lot of people running around in pretty intense Cordyceps prosthetics, because we like to do as much as we can practically.

You can actually see, there’s this beautiful little video that HBO put together, a nice behind-the-scenes video that’s all about Keivonn and how we worked with Keivonn and how our director of ASL, CJ Jones, worked with Keivonn and us. It’s beautiful. I’m going to see if I can dig up the link to that thing, because it’s out there. I’m pretty sure that in that video, you can see we’re introducing him to a lot of the stunt actors, and he gets to feel the prosthetics. We invite him behind the curtain to see the backstage of it and to see that it’s make-believe and it’s pretend. That was great for him.

We also make sure that we’re communicating constantly with his guardian. In this case, it was his mother, April, who’s wonderful, and so we just check in. We just make safety a priority, and then a child isn’t terrified or scared or getting nightmares or traumatized by any of the things they see. You just make it a priority to take care of the kid. Why wouldn’t you want to? In this case, it was great. I think we did it really well, and Keivonn had a fantastic time and was very sad when it was all over. I think we all were. It’s a great question, Spencer. Too long didn’t read: put their feelings and thoughts first as you’re planning things out, and take care of them.

**John:** Indeed. I think I might’ve talked about this when Sarah was on the show. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory obviously had a ton of kids in it. One of the things we had to figure out early on is that the only way we can shoot with these kids and make our days work is if they are only shooting the kids in the morning. The kids go off to school in the afternoons. We shoot all the Oompa Loompa musical numbers. It was such a weird process. That’s how you can actually make your days make sense is by, in the afternoons it was Deep Roy doing a thousand Oompa Loompas every afternoon, just to do the musical numbers, because the kids had such restricted work hours. Of course, Augustus Gloop doesn’t really drown, and Sophia Robb didn’t swell into a blueberry. No actual kids were harmed.

**Craig:** That’s a bummer.

**John:** It’s a bummer. Maybe it’s a betrayal to Roald Dahl’s vision that we did not actually harm [crosstalk 00:21:45].

**Craig:** I think if Roald Dahl were alive today, he’d probably be like, “Bring in more children. Punish them.” Charlie and the Chocolate Factory really is just fetishizing the punishment of children.

**John:** Terrible children, yes.

**Craig:** Or not terrible. What’s Augustus Gloop’s crime? He’s just heavy.

**John:** He’s [crosstalk 00:22:06].

**Craig:** Or he just overeats. It’s just his brain is different.

**John:** That’s true.

**Craig:** It’s one of those stories where today, I don’t think anyone’s writing that story.

**John:** That’s true. That’s true.

**Craig:** So many Roald Dahl things. Also, not a big fan of Jews, as it turns out, Roald Dahl. Not Augustus Gloop. I’m sure he loved Jews.

**John:** He was German but the good Germans.

**Craig:** Yes, the good one.

**John:** Let’s talk about our main issue today, which is changing of the guard. This of course is inspired by our losing Megana. I got to thinking about a lot of programs have gone through transitions where a major character is no longer there. Either the actor’s left or there’s some other transition that has to happen.

You can break it down into two categories. There’s cases where an actor left and they just put a different actor in the role, so the classic Bewitched situation. There’s other times where a character goes away and you retool or you find a functional replacement for that. The show pivots without that character. This is a very dated reference, but Valerie’s family starring Valerie Harper, she left and it became The Hogan Family, and Jason Bateman was still there and other folks were still there, but the actual title character went away. Same case with Roseanne. Roseanne went away, and it became The Conners.

I thought we’d just talk through that and maybe some of the decisions you would make as a writer in these situations. We’ve never had to do it ourselves, but we can certainly theorize what it would feel like and what you would have to do as the showrunner facing that type of challenge.

**Craig:** There are probably two circumstances that lead to these things. One is that something’s just not working well, and so you need to make that change to keep the show going and make it go well. You’re fixing things. The other circumstance is either somebody important quits or dies. Then you have no choice. The show was working, but you have to figure out how to regroup.

For instance, the one that always comes to mind for me is Cheers. That was the first, because I watched Bewitched when I was a kid. I barely noticed the difference between the Darrins. Cheers, Coach was Coach. He was this lovely old guy. He was this central mentor figure for Sam Malone, Ted Danson’s character, and then the actor died. They incorporated that storyline, of course. They acknowledged that he died. Then in comes this new ding-dong played by Woody Harrelson. Woody Harrelson was so good that you felt okay. Not only will it be fine, hey, maybe this is better. You never know. It’s at least as good. That was a choice that they had never wanted to make. That happens.

In your list here, you’ve noted Aaron Sorkin leaving The West Wing. Even Aaron Sorkin didn’t die, happily, him leaving The West Wing is a kind of, okay, now what do we do? It’s similar to death. What do we do now? We weren’t expecting this.

**John:** Absolutely. I want to go back to Cheers for a second, because the bigger change there was Shelley Long leaves and Kirstie Alley comes in. Diane is replaced. That central dynamic was crucial to those early seasons of Sam and Diane, and they made it so when she left, her character didn’t die, her character just went away, because the actress wanted to leave. They had to figure out what is the new dynamic, what was she providing that we need to find a different way to do. It’s not just Kirstie Alley’s character who could be a foil for Sam, but I think Frasier got elevated a little bit more into that spot.

Frasier still stuck around after Diane left. Then of course, Frasier ultimately spun off into his own show. I’m sure the creators in the room were figuring out, how do we make this work with the people who we have and what do we need to bring in to make the dynamics pop.

**Craig:** You can see how in work where a character is constantly being re-portrayed, it’s a little bit easier. There have been a lot of Batmen.

**John:** A lot of James Bonds.

**Craig:** A lot of Bonds. If you’re making a show about Batman or James Bond and somebody needs to go, it’s okay. We’ve all gotten used to this. We don’t even expect that somebody will just stay there forever for us. In other things, we do.

In the case of Sam and Diane, the big challenge for writers, and if you find yourself in this position, this is what you’ll have to grapple with, how do we replace her without replacing her, because you can’t replace her. You don’t want to just bring in the same thing, because that person is screwed. They don’t want to just do a Diane impression. They will always suffer from comparison.

Also, dramatically, it feels bereft. You couldn’t think of any other kind of human being that could possibly be in that bar? Kirstie Alley was a different kind of character. The relationship, even though it heads towards the same place, starts very differently and feels different. That’s the big challenge is figuring out how to fill this gap with something that isn’t quite the same.

**John:** I suspect what it involves is really taking a big step back and looking at it overall, not looking at the events of any given episode, but out of the whole, what functions did that missing character portray and how can you reapportion those functions among the existing people or bring in a new person who can do some of those functions, but in a different way, because I agree, just swapping in one for one is almost never going to work.

In the case of Charlie’s Angels, the original TV series, you could just swap a different Angel in, but that was always the conceit of the show. The conceit of it is that they are these women who work for Charlie. You knew them as individuals, but they were functionally working for him. One of them could leave, and a different person could come in. It would still basically work.

A bigger challenge on Three’s Company where they have contracts [inaudible 00:28:02] Suzanne Somers, you have to bring in somebody to just do that, but it can’t be exactly that. Anyone is going to suffer by comparison to what she specifically was doing.

**Craig:** In that case, that was one where they did try to just sort of duplicate it. They didn’t go fully into duplication. That’s the issue. In the older shows, I think back in the day, where in sitcoms and dramas, characters were a bit thinner. Let’s just be honest. They were. The characterizations have become much more complicated, particularly on television across the board, in all of its varieties. It was maybe a little bit easier to say, look, this person played this type, the whole point was that they were playing a type, so let’s throw the type back in there. It’s much harder to do now.

If anything, I think now, rather than doing that, you would look at a big change as an opportunity to ask what would I have done differently or how can we make ourselves a little bit uncomfortable again with the way things are, how do we lean into the discomfort of change, which I think has been done very effectively on a lot of things. They have the big differences. Back then, when there’s a change on NYPD Blue, for instance, there isn’t a billion people on Twitter arguing about it. We just watched it. We talked about it amongst ourselves and we kept watching. It was fine. Jimmy Smits was cool. Nowadays, you just have to know with all these things, there’s this very vocal discourse about all of it.

**John:** Your earlier point though about leaning into discomfort of change I think is really important though, because it helps keep things fresh. It helps you really re-evaluate what it is you’re doing and how you could improve what you’re doing. I think that’s part of the reason why Megana moving on or Megan McDonald before her and Stuart before them, I’ve enjoyed it. It’s a chance to look at what we’re doing on the show, what we’re doing in the office, and try some new things. We’re breaking up some responsibilities a little bit differently, for example. It’ll be nice. I think some stuff will work, some stuff won’t, but we’ll make the change.

**Craig:** Obviously, I’m terrified. I just remember this moment in Wayne’s World where Garth is alone. He’s rarely alone. This guy’s explaining to him that now that the show is going to be on a real channel, that there’s going to be some changes. He just goes, “I fear change,” while he’s beating this weird hand that’s moving around, this animatronic hand. It’s a very strange moment. I always think of Garth going, “I fear change.” I do too. We all do. I think that’s why… Isn’t fear at the heart of so much of what we do? Hone it and embrace it.

**John:** Own it. Hey Craig, one of the changes I would love to make in my life, and you may have an opinion, but also our listeners may have answers for it, is in my office, the home office, originally we had five telephone lines coming in. This is how long we’ve been in this house, 20 years. We had two home lines, two office lines, and a fax line. Obviously, the fax line went away. We’re down now to just a home line and an office line.

When the phone rings, we basically don’t answer it, because it’s always spam. There’s really no good reason to answer these phones. I’m wondering about maybe getting rid of the phones all together. During the pandemic, everyone just started calling me directly me on my cellphone, which was mostly fine, but I don’t want that all the time.

Craig, what are you doing with… Someone calls the office. Are they calling a physical office line number? Are they calling some virtual number that goes to your assistant? What are you doing? Because I need to do something better.

**Craig:** I hear you. When we started doing this podcast, like you, I had an office line. I didn’t have multiple office lines. I had an office line, I had a home line, I had a fax line. All those are gone. I did have some phone lines in my Pasadena office, which we almost never used. I eventually got rid of those too. Because I’m a bit nomadic now, where I live here, then I live in Canada, then I live here, then I live in Canada, it doesn’t make a ton of sense.

Right now in our current offices in Hollywood, we don’t have phones. We just have our cellphones. What I do is see who’s calling. If I am able to or have a desire to talk to them in that moment, I answer it. If I can’t or don’t, I don’t. The thing is, that’s how our kids do it. We were raised to think that not answering the phone is the pinnacle of rudeness. It’s not. It’s just how it goes. There’s so much texting. There’s so many ways to get in touch with us.

Basically, I just have my phone. If I see somebody calling and I know who they are but I don’t know what they want, I might hand it off to my assistant, I might hand it off to Allie, or I’ll just deal with it myself, but no landlines, no ringing in the house, none of that stuff. It’s all gone.

**John:** That may be where we ultimately get back to. If listeners have a suggestion for here’s how you transfer your office line number to a virtual thing that during certain hours rings to Drew and certain hours just goes to voice mail or rings to my phone, I’d love suggestions on that, because it feels like that may be a middle ground and we’re transitioning here, because it was nice for someone to be able to answer the phone and for Megana or Megan before her to say, “Oh, I have Ken Richman calling,” and I can pick up the phone.

**Craig:** That’s the thing. Our phones now are almost like the old… Do you remember way, way back when? Hey, let’s go back in the time machine, shall we? Let’s jump in the old time machine back to the ’90s.

**John:** Oh, god.

**Craig:** I know, Drew, this is going to rock your world. Here’s how we used to work. There’s a person in an office, and then they have their assistant in another office. There are office phones. The assistant has the phone. The person in the back has the phone. Somebody calls the office. It doesn’t necessarily ring in the, we’ll call them the principal’s office.

Then they had this thing where they would type onto a little machine. I can’t remember the name of it. It looked like a little mini typewriter. It would say something like, hey, Ken Richman is on the line. That would go bloop on the other machine on that person’s desk. It was this really bad green texty readout. Then there were these pre-programmed buttons they could hit, like call back, I’ll take it, take a message, not here.

That’s how that shit would go. Our phones do that now for us. Culture has changed to the point where nobody really cares, I don’t think. Say you call your agent, John. What’s your agent’s name?

**John:** Bill. I have three agents. Let’s say Bill.

**Craig:** Bill. Let’s say Bill. You call up. They say, “Oh, it’s Bill’s office.” You’re like, “Hey, it’s John August for Bill.” What do they say back to you?

**John:** “One moment, let me see if I can get him.”

**Craig:** “Let me see if I can get him.” “Let me see if I can get blank” became the all-purpose… Drew, I’m going to take you back again. The way it used to be is they would be like, “Hold on.” Then they would come back and say, “Sorry, he’s not available.” You’d be like, “If he’s not available, why were you saying hold on?” Everybody knew that meant just, eh, he doesn’t want to talk to me. Then they, “Let me see if I can get him,” as if everything is like, “Oh my god, I gotta run up to the top of the hill and find him. Oh my god, I couldn’t find him. I couldn’t get him. I couldn’t get him.” Lies. That culture’s gone. Even though they still say that as agents, everybody knows. Everybody knows.

**John:** I think “Let me see if I can get him” also was part of the pandemic, because no one was in the office. It was basically like, can I actually reach him on this conference calling or whatever we’re using.

**Craig:** I gotta then hand it to Todd Felton’s assistants, because they’ve been saying, “Let me see if I can get him,” for 15 years. He’s trained them well.

**John:** It’s been a growing thing, but the pandemic fully broke it.

**Craig:** Makes sense.

**John:** Listeners, if you have suggestions for me or if I should just [inaudible 00:36:28] just do what Craig says and get rid of your phones, that’s also possible.

**Craig:** By the way, what if I don’t know that Drew is actually 63?

**John:** Wouldn’t it be great?

**Craig:** I don’t know.

**John:** You’re assuming he’s a young, spry person.

**Craig:** I haven’t met him in person yet, so I’m like, “Hey, let me blow your mind.” He’s like, “Let me blow your mind. I was in Vietnam.”

**John:** He’s months away from retirement.

**Craig:** Look, I got my first laugh out of Drew. Yes! Yes!

**John:** He’s trying so hard.

**Craig:** Megana, there’s hope. There’s hope.

**John:** There’s hope. Let’s do some listener questions.

**Drew:** Great.

**John:** Drew, can you start us off?

**Drew:** Yeah. Max asks, “Right now I’m an assistant for a writer/producer working on a pitch for an original series. This would be her first network show if it was picked up. At this point, I feel like I’ve contributed a good deal creatively to the project. That being said, we don’t have any type of contract drawn up. Should I be worried that if the show was picked up, I’d be cut out in some way? I’m only 22, so even though this has been a great experience for me, I don’t need to be naïve. Do you think I need to approach this conversation with her, even if we’re not in talks with the network yet? If I want to speak with her about this, how should I go about it?”

**John:** All right, Max. I would just say frame what your expectations actually are, because it’s a little unclear from your question. You contributed a great deal creatively, but also, are you contributing it as a writer or are you contributing it as an assistant or a sounding board or other things? If you’re as an assistant, and you’re wondering, will I stay on to be a showrunner’s assistant if this thing goes, how do I stay involved, great. That’s a probably reasonable expectation. If it’s that you were some co-writer on this thing, that’s a whole different thing. Craig, what’s your instinct?

**Craig:** Slight red flags here, because of how vague you’re being, Max. Let me tell you what the nightmare is from our side of things, Max, and then we’ll talk about the nightmare from your side.

From our side, the nightmare is we’re sitting there talking about stuff out loud, and we’ve asked our assistant to write stuff down on cards and put them up on the board. Then you may say to your assistant, “By the way, do you like this? What do you think? Do you think this is good?” They may say, “Yeah, although I’m wondering about this.” You may go, “That’s an interesting question. I don’t know,” blah blah blah.

That to us isn’t really contributing. That’s just us being nice and doing a job of including you and helping get you introduced to this process. It’s not necessarily like, hey, we’re writing partners. Then that person comes later and goes, “Hey, I did this too, and I should be a blankety blank.” They’re like, “No, don’t punish me for a good deed.”

Now, the nightmare on your side is sometimes writers do take advantage of their assistants. They do have their assistants doing real creative work. Then they jam them later and cut them out.

Here’s what I would suggest. First, really examine the situation and ask yourself what is going on exactly. Then two, I think it probably would be good to have a conversation here, but to have it carefully and to acknowledge that it’s an awkward conversation, because it is, and say, “I would love… ” You can always put it in the positive. “I love doing the job of being your assistant. I really love doing this stuff. I would love to, for whatever use my contributions are, continue doing that and to be included if this goes further.” You can say that, but I have to tell you, if she wants to cut you out, she’s going to cut you out. There’s another potential course here where you just don’t do anything and you see what happens. I’m torn.

**John:** I’m torn too. It’s because I don’t know what Max is actually contributing and how realistic Max is being here. The other thing I would recommend Max do is to talk with other people at his level in his position. Meet some other assistants and see what they’re doing. If you’re doing 9,000 times more creative stuff, you’re writing stuff for all this, and you really should be a co-creator of this thing, that’s one thing.

More than likely, you are a person who she is allowing into the process. You’re giving some good hands-on experience. What you should be hoping for is to be that showrunner’s assistant as the show gets picked up or if something else happens. I just think that’s more realistic for you.

**Craig:** Agreed.

**John:** Cool. Drew, what do you got for us next?

**Drew:** Jacob from Chicago asks, “In the companion podcast for The Last of Us, Craig tells the story of pitching the show to HBO. By the end, they all shake hands and HBO buys the show in the room. How much value does this handshake traditionally have? HBO hadn’t yet secured the rights to the IP. A budget wasn’t set. Who has the power when it comes to salary negotiations? Can’t lots go wrong in between agreeing to buy the show and actually buying the show? As someone with dreams of shopping my own IP, how is one supposed to act in this dream scenario when plenty of details haven’t been discussed in the room?”

**Craig:** I can give you the specifics of that, and then we can talk generally, because the specifics in this case don’t always exist in other circumstances. In this case, they didn’t have to worry about salary, because I already had an overall deal at HBO, which meant that all that stuff had been predetermined and they were paying it anyway. That part was easy.

You’re absolutely right that they hadn’t yet secured the rights to the IP. What we knew going in there, because we did our homework first, was that the IP was available, that the owner of the IP, which is Sony, had agreed that HBO would be a good place for the show to be, and it was understood that a good faith negotiation between two very large corporations would occur.

Before we went in the room, Sony knew we were going to HBO, and HBO knew that Sony Television specifically was going to be involved in some aspect, from a financial or ownership point of view. Everybody knew that. Everybody said, “Understood. We still would like to hear it.” We pitched it. They said, “Great.”

Now, yeah, what happened after that, Jacob, was a very long negotiation between corporations to figure out how to do all that. While they were doing all that, Neil and I just sat on Zoom and thought about the creative part of it, because that’s our job.

**John:** When you say a very long time, it was months and months, right?

**Craig:** Yeah, it was months. The wheel turned slowly on this stuff. There were moments where it seemed dicier than others. In the end, like everything else, when people want to do something, when there’s a will, there’s a way, and they figure it out. I think it is not unheard of that things fall apart because of unrealistic demands or an inability for two entities to mesh, but it’s rare, generally speaking, because hearing yes is such a rare word in our business. When you get it, everybody’s incentivized to figure it out.

**John:** I’m trying to think of a situation where I’ve sold it in the room, the equivalent of that handshake there in the room. That handshake, for Jacob’s question, it’s probably not a legally binding handshake. It’s just that good faith, like, “We’re going to try to make a deal here.” I’ve had a fair number of I sold it in the parking lot. I was in the room. I walked out. I got a call from my agent saying, “Great, they want to buy it.” That’s more commonly the situation.

There’s still going to be a negotiation to get you to that point. Maybe you will get to that point, and maybe you won’t get to that point. It’s going to happen. It’s exciting when you get that confirmation. Yes, it’s worthwhile, because it really does mean that they want it, but it’s no guarantee it’s going to happen.

**Craig:** There’s this fun little dopamine rollercoaster where you go in there, you pitch something, and a company says, “Yes!” Everyone’s like, “We did it! Let’s go out to dinner and champagne. We sold it.” Then three days later, somebody else entirely, who was not in that room, who doesn’t know anything about the show, just knows that they want to buy it, that person in Business Affairs calls and is like, “Got it. Our offer is this old dirty shoe and a half-eaten apple.” Then you’re like, “Wait, what?” Then everything gets dark and ugly and you feel insulted and hurt and confused. In your brain it’s like, “It’s never going to happen.” Then it all works out and it’s fine, and then you’re back again.

Just understand it’s going to be a party, a funeral, and then the thing in between, which is a mature understanding that we’ve arrived at a reasonable place and now the work must begin.

**John:** Sounds good. Drew, what else you got for us here?

**Drew:** The follow-up to that. Jason says, “I’m part of a writing trio, one of which is an established Big Five author. His UTA agent sent out our TV pilot and pitch deck, and we’ve landed six meetings with shockingly legitimate production companies, many of which have first look deals with a streamer. They’ve all been friendly, getting to know you affairs. Often, they ask what else we have or are working on. In a highly unlikely best-case scenario, what would the next step be? Are original projects optioned like novel adaptations? If a production company is interested in developing our concept, would we be evolved or cut out? How many projects should new writers be expected to bring into a meeting? Should they all be written and polished with a pitch deck?”

**John:** A whole slough of questions here. Let’s go through this best-case scenario. It’s this writing trio. One to them is a Big Five author. Writing trios are unusual but great.

**Craig:** They exist.

**John:** They exist. You’re going in with this project. People seem to be excited about it. That should be your priority going into those rooms. Maybe one of them will say, “Yes, we really want to do that,” in which case they will either buy it or they will option it. You will be involved at some capacity. They may say, “Oh, we need to bring in an established showrunner at some point.” Sure, great. That’s your project. That’s great.

The second part of the question here though is, what else should you be saying in that room, like what else are you working on? I wouldn’t bring in some other polished deck for the second project or the third project, but be ready to talk through two or three other things that you are working on. Give the 30-second, one-minute version of it. Just throw out that line and see if they bite on that, and maybe talk to them about it a little bit more. The first thing you should really be talking about is the project that got you in there.

**Craig:** Completely agree. Just understand, Jason, that when they say, “Hey, so what else you got?” what they’re saying is, “We don’t want this.” That’s kind of implied. It’s not completely implied. It’s not an automatic, like, “We don’t want this thing.” It kind of might be like, “Hey, look, we really like the writing. We think you guys have an interesting voice. You’re clearly capable of putting together something that might interest investment, but we’re not going to buy this, so what else you got?” Just know that that’s there.

I do agree with John. You want to emphasize what you are selling in the moment, because what can occur from “What else you got?” is a fishing expedition. It cost them nothing to have you guys just start spinning in a circle to come up with something else that makes them happy, cost them literally nothing, so why wouldn’t they?

If you can concentrate on the people that seem specifically interested in this, that’s great. Otherwise, what you’re really having are general meetings. General meetings, yeah. Then like John said, you can absolutely talk about some areas of interest.

You can also ask them, “Hey, do you have things that you think we would be right for?” because sometimes they have projects that need rewriting or re-conceiving or they’ve bought a book that they need somebody to adapt.

Yes, they can option things, but what you’re looking for these days is somewhere where you can actually get a commitment to make a show or, at least to start with, to get a commitment to write another episode or give a full bible or whatever it is. No, you don’t want to waste a lot of time dressing everything else up. You want to really concentrate on the one you’re bringing.

**John:** You’ve mentioned here that you have a UTA agent, or this Big Five author does. That agent will tell you before any meeting, “They’re thinking about optioning or buying this project. They want to talk to you about that.” Great. That is your point of focus. That’s your pitch deck. That’s your everything. You’re going in there. You’re making the presentation.

The agent may also say, “Listen, they’re not going to buy this, but they really like you.” That’s your opportunity to go in and press them about what you guys together can do, what you’re looking to do. That’s when you’re really thinking about the next project, the other project. It’s a really good sign when they volunteer, like, “Here are the things we’re looking to do. Here are the things that we’re interested in.” Take that, because that means they are thinking about you in those future projects.

With Go!, I went out on a zillion meetings when we first sent that out. My agent could tell me, “Listen, they are not in a position to buy the scripts. They’re just not going to do it, but they really liked it. This is your chance to make connections, make relationships, and find some stuff you can be paid to write.” That’s exactly what happened.

**Craig:** Hell yeah.

**John:** Hell yeah. Drew, let’s take one more question.

**Drew:** Cecilia asks, “Most aspiring screenwriters write under their birth name, right? The thing is that I’m a well-known wedding photographer. My website is under my name, as well as on my social media and communication avenues. If you Google my name, a lot of wedding photography images, interviews, awards come home. I want to start on a clean slate and be taken seriously as a screenwriter. Should I write under a pseudonym? My concern is that people might then think I’m not real, and it might damage my credibility even before I start. Will my name influence how I’m perceived as a professional writer? If I write under a pseudonym, should I explain why?”

**Craig:** John, what’s your instinct here?

**John:** I changed my name before I moved to Hollywood.

**Craig:** That’s true.

**John:** My original name was unpronounceable, German last name.

**Craig:** John Meise [MEE-zee]. MEE-zuh.

**John:** MAI-zee.

**Craig:** MAI-zee.

**John:** MAI-zuh.

**Craig:** Goddammit.

**John:** MAI-zee.

**Craig:** You can’t even pronounce it.

**John:** Our family pronounced it MAI-zee the same way Drew’s family pronounces it MAHR-kwahrt even though it could be MAHR-gahrt. It just was not a useful name for me to have, so I took my dad’s middle name, which is August. I am a big believer in picking a name that works for you.

In your case, Cecilia, you have a name that works for you as a wedding photographer. I don’t know that’s a huge problem that you’re a little bit famous in that space, because I think it’s okay. They’re orthogonal to each other, but it doesn’t mean that people won’t take you seriously as a writer. As long as your name isn’t Cecilia Deathbringer or something, I would maybe stick with your real name. Craig, what’s your instinct?

**Craig:** If her name is Cecilia Deathbringer, she has to stick with her real name, because that’s awesome.

**John:** She does.

**Craig:** I get the instinct here, Cecilia, I think what you’re concerned about is that there’s a slight cheese factor associated with wedding media, so wedding videos, wedding photography. All that stuff has a little bit of a cheese vibe, even though a lot of the people that work in that industry are very talented and very well paid. I presume you’re one of them, since you mentioned awards.

It really comes down to actually how you feel. If you write a great script, the fact that you’re a wedding photographer becomes part of the interesting story. If you write a bad script, the fact that you’re a wedding photographer is something that they could add on to why they don’t like it. “Oh my god, this wedding photographer script reads just like you would imagine a wedding photographer writing a script.” You can hear it, right? It’s actually mostly about your comfort level. You can write under a pseudonym. You need to start that at the beginning.

**John:** Yeah, definitely.

**Craig:** Otherwise, it becomes an issue. You actually have to make a little bit of a permanent choice here, the way that John did. It can’t harm you. The only harm that it would do to you is if you ultimately regretted it. I don’t think that the perception will impact you as much as the quality of your work.

**John:** Definitely.

**Craig:** If it makes you feel more comfortable and confident to write under another name, why not?

**John:** I would say as you’re looking at alternative names, it could just be one you pick and make up. It could be you and your middle name. It could be your married name. If you want to differentiate between the two brands of Cecilia, great. Just have something that makes sense. Have something that you’re going to be comfortable with for the rest of your writing career. It can definitely work.

I’ll also say that having worked in middle-grade fiction, the idea of using different names for different kinds of properties is really common there. Particularly, women will… JK Rowling. Using initials or some other way to not identify yourself as a woman is a common thing too. You don’t see it as much in screenwriting, but it also does happen. You have choices. I would say whatever you do, don’t make a choice that calls attention to it. Make it a choice that feels natural, like, “Oh, of course this is Cecilia last name. I love her script.”

**Craig:** This is very common. Just so you know, Cecilia, this happens all the time. People, sometimes all they do is change their names for practical reasons, like John, because his last name was just leading to a lot of Who’s On First conversations about how to pronounce it.

David Benioff, his actual name is David Friedman. There are about a thousand of those, incredibly common name. If you show up, and if your name is Cecilia Gomez, there are probably a thousand Cecilia Gomezes just west of the Mississippi. You’re not going to be able to use it actually. One of the things that you’re looking is to avoid marketplace confusion. Actors have to do this all the time. It’s incredibly common. It’s Hollywood. Elton John is not Elton John’s name. You know what his name is?

**John:** I don’t know what his real name is.

**Craig:** Drew, do you know what his name is?

**John:** I saw Rocketman, but I forgot.

**Drew:** It’s Reginald something, right?

**Craig:** Yes. You get half points. You get one half point to Gryffindor. Reginald Dwight I believe is his actual name. David Bowie, his real name is?

**John:** No idea.

**Craig:** Davey Jones. Davey Jones. There were two Davey Joneses.

**John:** That’s weird.

**Craig:** Can you imagine a more common name that David Jones? Yeah, David Bowie made sense.

**John:** Hey, Craig, do you remember my husband Mike’s original last name?

**Craig:** I don’t even know if I… Have I ever heard it?

**John:** I don’t know if you ever have.

**Craig:** I don’t think I have.

**John:** My husband is Michael Douglas.

**Craig:** That’s awesome. I must’ve heard this, because you’ve heard the story where Chris Miller and I were on a plane, and Michael Keaton was on the plane.

**John:** Oh yeah, of course, because Michael Keaton’s real last name is Douglas.

**Craig:** He’s Michael Douglas. We did not know that. We weren’t traveling together. There’s this LA-to-New York flight that a lot of people end up on. I’m like, “Oh, look at you.” He’s like, “Hey, look at you.” We’re just chitchatting. Then he’s like, “Hey, check it out. Across the aisle there is Michael Keaton.” I’m like, “It’s Michael Keaton.”

The flight attendant comes by, and she’s like, “Oh, Mr. Miller, what would you like for lunch? Mr. Mazin, what would you like?” She says to Michael Keaton, “Mr. Douglas, what would you like for lunch?” Chris and I were like, why would a famous person use one of those names to avoid being noticed but pick another famous guy’s name? It turns out he didn’t. That’s his actual name is Michael Douglas, and that’s why he has to be Michael Keaton, because there was already a Michael Douglas. I love that the world is full of Michael Douglases and you found one of them. That’s beautiful.

**John:** It’s lovely. Thank you for the questions, Drew.

**Craig:** Great job, Drew.

**Drew:** Of course.

**Craig:** You know what? Drew did a really good job.

**John:** Did a nice job. Good start there. Plus, a half credit on the quiz, so love it all. It’s time for our One Cool Things. My One Cool Thing is an article by Caitlin Moscatello. It ran in The Cut. The headline is “The Fleishman Effect: In a city of Rachels and Libbys, the FX show has some New York moms worried they’re the ones in trouble.”

We had Taffy on the show a couple episodes back. We talked all about the Fleishman Is in Trouble series and book. This article is a great examination of the way that people see themselves in media. In this case, it’s a bunch of New York moms and women who find themselves on the same treadmills and traps that the characters in Fleishman Is in Trouble find themselves in, and just a good reminder that sometimes the art we make is helpful for people framing the experiences that they’re having, and that sometimes what we create lets people put a name to what they’re feeling. I love this article. Just another reason why I loved Taffy’s show.

**Craig:** No better reason to do what we do. We’re trying to connect with people, and when you do, that’s exciting. It’s an interesting feedback loop. You observe, you describe, and then you impact. That’s very exciting. I read this independent of your recommendation. I did read this. It was recommended. I thought it was very good.

My One Cool Thing is a thousand cool things all at once. We’re recording this on February 16th, which is a Thursday. This past Monday, I approved the final VFX shot for The Last of Us. It is done.

**John:** Congratulations, Craig.

**Craig:** Thank you. One of the benefits of running a show the way HBO does, episode a week, is that the run of the show covers a span of time, which gives you extra time to finish the visual effects for the final episodes, because you got some time. We finished.

I just want to acknowledge the amazing work of our visual effects team on the inside, led by Alex Wong, our visual effects supervisor, and Sean Nowlan, our visual effects producer, their team, all of the men and women that worked with them from our production, and then I’m not sure exactly how many, but I’m just going to say a thousand people and maybe more, all around the world, from Wētā in New Zealand and DNEG in the UK and Vancouver. We had teams working in Sweden. We had teams everywhere. There were so many vendors working on the show, all of whom just poured so much time and energy and effort into it, which I think shows and I think is reflected in the show. They did tremendous work. They’re all artists, and I am incredibly grateful for all they’ve done.

One reason I think we, people like you and me who are in this position, are obligated to call out our visual effects teams is because it’s one of the few jobs where if you do it perfectly, no one knows you were there.

That sometimes leads to situations where people, they just don’t know what you did. I can say for a fact that I read a lot of things where people talked about, “Oh my god, it’s incredible. Look at this practical thing they made.” I’m like, “Nope, that was not a practical thing.” I’m not going to talk about it, because I don’t like bringing people backstage too much.

I just want to acknowledge all of these men and women who worked so, so hard to deliver all of this on time and at this ridiculous level of quality. I’m amazed. I would constantly say wow. Thank you to our team and thank you to all the teams across all the vendors all over the world.

**John:** Big love for everyone in post.

**Craig:** Big love.

**John:** Such a hard job.

**Craig:** It is.

**John:** Big love. That is our show for this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt with help from Chris Csont. It’s edited this week by Matthew Chilelli. Our outro is by David Kawale.

If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions. You can find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s also where you’ll find the transcripts and sign up for our weekly newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. We have T-shirts and hoodies and they’re great. You can find them all at Cotton Bureau.

You can sign up to become a Premium Member at scriptnotes.net, where you get all the back-episodes and Bonus Segments, like the one we’re about to record on drugs. Drew, welcome, and Craig, thank you.

**Craig:** Thank you, guys.

**Drew:** Thank you.

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** Craig, let’s talk prescription drugs, prescription drug prices, availability. You and I are both in the Writers Guild. We’re on the Writers Guild health plan. We can get stuff at the pharmacy if we need to, but then longer-term medications, the things that you take all the time, we have to get through Express Scripts, which I find to be one of the worst places on earth.

**Craig:** Interesting. I have had no problem with them, but I will tell you that you and Scott Frank can have a wonderful discussion with each other on how much you hate that. To clarify for people, and I think a lot of plans work like this, we can go into a CVS or a Walgreens and say, “Here’s the prescription,” or our doctor phones it in, and we get it.

What happens is, we can keep getting it there, we’ll get an insane amount of annoying messages saying, “You know it’s going to cost a lot less if you got a 90-day supply of this stuff that you take every day and get it mail ordered through Express Scripts,” because it saves the plan money, because it’s in bulk, and because it’s cutting out a lot of the stuff that… They don’t have to maintain a whole store like CVS does, the brick and mortar thing. I have to say I’ve never had a problem with them, but I’ve heard a lot of people have.

**John:** Here are the problems that Mike and I have with Express Scripts. They will call constantly. We still have phones in our house, which is part of the problem.

**Craig:** There you go.

**John:** They will call to say, “Hey, we’re going to fill this prescription for you that we’ve been filling for the last 10 years. Is it okay for us to send this through? Can you verify your address?” Jesus, yes. I’m always going to be taking Atorvastatin, Lipitor. I’m still taking it. I’m going to be taking it for the rest of my life. Yes, you can send it. It’s so, so, so maddening.

**Craig:** They’ve never done that with me, although they have done this other thing. My oldest kid has a lot of just medical issues because of Crohn’s disease. When you have Crohn’s, there are all these medications that you have to take chronically. Some of them are injected. Some of them are infusions. There’s all sorts of stuff. My oldest is now 21, and they’ll call me. I’m like, “I’m not even allowed to talk to you about their health. They’re an adult. They’re on my plan, but you can’t do this.” I don’t know what to tell… I don’t know how many times I’ve had to say it to them. They just keep calling. I’m like, “You guys are I think legitimately breaking the law. This is a HIPAA violation.”

**John:** HIPAA violation.

**Craig:** They really do struggle with some of the basics. That said, like you, I take Atorvastatin every day, and it shows up. I have thousands of Atorvastatins.

**John:** Absolutely.

**Craig:** My doctor says, “Send him 90 days worth of Atorvastatin. Then when you’re getting close, send another 90 days worth.” I feel like they send them every 12 days. I’m drowning in pills.

**John:** I’m a little over supply on some of those things. This is not just a bitch solution. I have some solutions for certain things.

**Craig:** Great.

**John:** First off, if you are in Los Angeles or a market that has Capsule Pharmacy, it’s really good for the things that you would normally go into CVS, because you can have your doctor call into Capsule, and they will just deliver it to your house for free. It is so incredibly super handy. The things actually, some of them are cheaper. I don’t understand how it works. It’s probably one of those things where it had VC money and will ultimately go bankrupt. Until it goes bankrupt, it’s a giant savings for me of time and money, so Capsule if you’re in LA.

**Craig:** Early on, I think in the early days of our podcast, we were talking about Webvan. We were like, “How the hell is this company going to work?” It turned out it couldn’t. This may be the MoviePass of pharmacy, but still, that sounds awesome.

**John:** For now it’s really good. There’s some things we get, that I get or that my daughter gets, that just get delivered from Capsule. It’s better and it’s faster. It’s filled in like an hour.

**Craig:** Love that.

**John:** Love that. I was reading articles online. I talked with Mike. We decided, let’s explore. Amazon has a pharmacy for generic drugs. Mark Cuban, the billionaire Mark Cuban, has Cost Plus Drugs. We ended up using Mark Cuban’s Cost Plus Drugs. We’ve figured out the generics that we get are actually much, much, much cheaper to get through him. They came. It all works. Exactly one delivery from them, but it was cheaper and better than my Express Scripts experience.

**Craig:** Interesting.

**John:** I would say if you’re on regularly occurring generic drugs… I’ve put it in the Workflowy here so you can see the differences for Atorvastatin, what you and I both take the generic version of Lipitor.

**Craig:** This is per 90 pills or something?

**John:** Per 90 days. Express Scripts is not too expensive. $9.53 on Express Scripts. $23.10 on Amazon. $7.50 on Cost Plus, so cheaper. That same thing, if I got it at Walgreens, $136.

**Craig:** Oh, man.

**John:** Crazy.

**Craig:** That’s why our system is bananas. Our system is full of pretend numbers. In the long run, I’m not sure what the major differences are and how much we all spend on these things, but my guess is ultimately the cost of things are the cost of things. It’s just that more of it is shouldered by private citizens here in the U.S., but the cost is the cost. Then you could say, okay, but in the other place, the taxes are high. Everybody’s paying for it somehow. I don’t think there’s any question that our system is not without major and correctable flaws. I have to say, if I’m getting 90 days for $9.53, I’m not sure I want to go through the heartache and the potential screw-ups to just save $2 every three months.

**John:** A hundred percent that. For us, it was like freeing ourselves from the hell of Express Scripts. It was really we hated Express Scripts, and that’s why we wanted to change. Finasteride, which is the generic version of Propecia, is a huge [01:06:53]. Express Scripts for 90 days was 62 bucks, Cost Plus $7.50.

**Craig:** You take Propecia?

**John:** Yeah, Mike and I both take Propecia. I’ve been on Propecia since before I lost all of my hair. I take Propecia, and Mike does too.

**Craig:** What is the hair that it’s giving you?

**John:** The hair that I have left would go away. My doctor wants me to stay on it because once you’re on it, it’s probably better to stay on it.

**Craig:** I see what you’re saying. That’s a major difference. I gotta be honest with you.

**John:** Is it worth it?

**Craig:** It’s worth checking out. For me, what I want to take a look at is, we do have some more expensive things. I take a medicine for my chronic back pain because of spinal stenosis. That’s not the cheapest one through Express Scripts. It’s not brutal. It’s covered. Particularly interested in the Crohn’s medicines to see if there’s a major difference there. Interesting.

**John:** I bring this up as a bonus topic just because whether it’s these services or GoodRX… Megana put GoodRX in the show notes. Megana, who clearly today must’ve logged into the Workflowy to add something in, she misses us. She mentioned GoodRX.

**Craig:** She can’t let us go.

**John:** There are other services that are worth checking out. I would just say don’t assume the default price for a medicine is the right price for it, because it’s probably cheaper someplace else. If you like a service that is more convenient or better, I say switch.

**Craig:** Hey Drew, you know you’re hearing messages from the future right now, right?

**Drew:** I’m 63 years old, so this is very helpful.

**Craig:** “We didn’t have any of this stuff.”

**Drew:** Online prescriptions?

**Craig:** “We didn’t have online. We didn’t even have medicine. We had bourbon.” I just had my annual physical the other day. I was saying to my doctor, “Shouldn’t there just be a pill call middle-aged man that has Atorvastatin and Lisinopril for your blood pressure and an aspirin for your heart, just one horse tablet every guy gets once they hit 50?” I don’t know anybody our age that isn’t on one of these things.

**John:** It’s incredibly common and sort of ubiquitous. Anyway, just my advice, just shop around, and don’t assume that the price you’re getting is the right price for a drug, because it’s probably a lot cheaper.

**Craig:** Interesting.

**John:** Interesting.

**Craig:** Interesting.

**John:** Thanks, gents.

**Craig:** Thank you.

**Drew:** Thank you so much.

**John:** Bye.

**Craig:** Bye.

Links:

* [Woman who poisoned lookalike with cheesecake to steal identity convicted](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/feb/09/woman-poisoned-lookalike-with-cheesecake-convicted) from The Guardian
* [‘The Last of Us’ Featurette with Keivonn Woodard](https://twitter.com/hbomax/status/1626340644288331779?s=20) from HBO
* [The Fleishman Effect: In a city of Rachels and Libbys, the FX show has some New York moms worried they’re the ones in trouble](https://www.thecut.com/2023/02/the-fleishman-is-in-trouble-effect.html) by Caitlin Moscatello for The Cut
* [Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!](https://cottonbureau.com/people/scriptnotes-podcast)
* [Check out the Inneresting Newsletter](https://inneresting.substack.com/)
* [Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/gifts) or [treat yourself to a premium subscription!](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/)
* [Craig Mazin](https://twitter.com/clmazin) on Twitter
* [John August](https://twitter.com/johnaugust) on Twitter
* [John on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/johnaugust/?hl=en)
* [John on Mastodon](https://mastodon.art/@johnaugust)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by David Kawale ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* Scriptnotes is produced by [Drew Marquardt](https://www.instagram.com/marquardtam/) with help from [Chris Csont](https://twitter.com/ccsont) and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/588standard.mp3).

Scriptnotes, Episode 538: On Being A Screenwriter, Transcript

March 22, 2023 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found here.

John August: Hello and welcome. My name is John August, and this is Episode 538 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Today’s episode is something new for us. One of our listeners, Jake Kelley, he wrote in to say that, “Many of my favorite episodes are the ones focused on craft, yet I find myself drawn to those discussions on being a screenwriter, which offer so much insight.” I put this show together to be somewhat the antithesis of a craft compendium. It won’t help you on your script right now, but offers a way to becoming a rounded and mature creative thinker. Jake provided the episodes and time codes for his vision of what this episode could be. Megana and Matthew took those suggestions and a few other bits to come up with this compendium of our conversations, not about screenwriting per se, but being a screenwriter.

If you’re Premium member, you of course have access to the backup episodes, all 537 of them. Today, Premium members should stick around for my conversation with Jake about why he picked these clips and how Scriptnotes has influenced his work as a visual artist, so enjoy. This first clip comes from Episode 6: How kids becoming screenwriters.

What we might talk about today is how people become screenwriters. I don’t mean how to become a screenwriter, because there’s countless books you can buy on any shelf in a Borders to tell you how to be–

Craig Mazin: I would take my microphone off and leave this podcast.

John: Another podcast we’ll talk about the so-called experts and our fury about some of the screenwriting books out there. Rather than talking about how to become a screenwriter, I want to talk about how a person becomes a screenwriter and the paths to that, because if you talk to a professional tennis player and say like, “Hey, how did you become a professional tennis player?” they’ll say something like, “Oh, when I was eight I started playing tennis, and I just played tennis for forever, and now I’m a professional tennis player.” It’s not that they were 21 and they picked up a racket for the first time and became a professional tennis player. That just doesn’t happen. Or if you talk to a doctor and you say like, “Hey, how did you become a doctor?” maybe they were interested in medicine growing up or maybe thought, “I’m going to be a doctor when I grow up,” but they didn’t really do anything serious about becoming a doctor until they went to college, and really until they went to medical school. They might’ve studied the sciences they needed, they got prerequisites they needed, but they didn’t do anything serious to become a doctor until quite late in the game.

Screenwriting is not really either one of those paths. There’s not a thing you could point to where you say, “I’m an eight-year-old who wants to become a screenwriter.” Not only does that not really happen, there’s not even a meaningful way to think about that.

Craig: True, true. It’s the difference between the word “career” and the word “vocation.” “Vocation,” the “voc” root is designed to imply a calling, that you’re called to this somehow by–

John: An evocation.

Craig: Yeah, exactly. Screenwriting falls into that area. You have this innate desire to tell stories, but when does that come, where does that come from, and how do you know you have it, and all that?

John: Malcolm Gladwell famously has been trumpeting this idea of 10,000 hours, that if you look at people who are very successful in any field, you can track back and they’ve put in 10,000 hours of practice to get up to that point. It applies particularly well to sports figures, but even other professions, like musicians and other artists. You can really see that they’ve put in the 10,000 hours of time to get up to their mastery of something. No screenwriter I know, at least no screenwriter I know that’s ever getting started, has put in 10,000 hours of writing screenplays. That just doesn’t happen. You don’t start writing screenplays when you’re six.

Craig: That’s right. If you’ve put in 10,000 hours of screenwriting and you’re still not a professional screenwriter, you suck.

John: That is true. You’re sad, and you probably suck.

Craig: You’re sad and you suck.

John: It’s just a tragedy that’s happened there, because 10,000 hours is a lot of time.

Craig: That’s a huge chunk of your life.

John: I’m not gonna open my little Solver program and tell you exactly how many days and weeks and moments of Seasons of Love that is, but it’s a lot of Seasons of Love to get to 10,000 hours. As I’ve thought more about how did I become a screenwriter, where did I get that experience… The first thing I wrote wasn’t great, but it wasn’t, like I said, I put 10,000 hours in between my first screenplay and Go. Go was a pretty good screenplay. It’s that I think I can make a good argument that I actually had my 10,000 words of experience and exposure in there. It wasn’t all writing, and it certainly didn’t look like screenwriting.

My first memory of this storytelling kind of stuff that I do now is, as a boy I would often… First off, I always woke up really early, and my parents wouldn’t let me come out of my room, so I had to stay in my room and play with all my toys. I would always line up my little toys. There’d be two rival faction armies. Actually, not really armies. They were sort of like Battle of the Network Stars. They’d be on the other side of the river and they’d have to come some competitions and things. I’d always have my favorites, but my favorites wouldn’t always win, because that’s the way the narrative should play.

I’d always have this ongoing narrative of the battle of the network toys, that later progressed once I was allowed to stay up to watch the James Bond movies on Monday nights right before school started in the fall. Again, James Bond and new fall TV shows coinciding in the fall, it was an important season for me. Once I was allowed to watch the James Bond movies on ABC, a lot of my imagination play became James Bond. I was on the speedboat. It was really my bed. I would build myself a graveling hook out of a hanger and some string and do James Bondy kind of things. I think that my early narrative development in the sense of figuring out how this action sequence worked was really as a six or seven-year-old playing James Bond in my room.

Craig: I know exactly what you mean. There’s a way to practice the art of storytelling without actually writing. My experience was around the same time as you, six, seven years old. First of all, I saw Star Wars, which blew my brain open. Then I had a clear memory that almost every night when I would go to bed, I would stay up for about 30, 40 minutes, with the lights out, in my bed, just I guess you’d call it daydreaming, although it was evening, just imagining scenarios. Just imagining. Just envisioning little movies in my head. I would make little sound effects to go along with things. My dad would come in and say, “Stop making rocket noises.” I remember that was the phrase, “rocket noises,” because everything was blowing up all the time. I would do that every night. I don’t know what it was. I was just compelled to tell stories in my head.

John: There’s an assumption that it’s all about how much you read as a kid. I was certainly a big reader, but I wasn’t a bigger reader than many of my peers, most of whom aren’t involved in any sort of narrative writing capability. I read a lot. I read the same kinds of things. I read a lot of the Encyclopedia Browns and the Three Investigators and the things that people read, but it was the imagining my own stories constantly that was more important. I did write. I did some creative writing. I probably wrote stories earlier than other kids might have done that. I was rewarded with teacher praise for doing a good job with it. I can’t chart that writing, my ability to put some words together, with my interest in telling movie style stories later on.

Craig: I’m with you. I remember always having a sense of narrative structure. I read a lot when I was a kid. I would say movies certainly inspired more of my visual sense. In my mind I would tell stories in a very visual way. The books that I did love would inspire those things. The Three Investigators, I remember the thing about them I loved the most was that Jupiter Jones had his headquarters underneath the dump.

John: Uncle Titus’s dump, which is –

Craig: There you go. Thank you. That was awesome to me. I desperately wanted my own headquarters under a dump, because it was so visual and it was so cool.

John: I tried to put on weight in 3rd grade so I could be more like Jupiter Jones.

Craig: I was always more of a Pete guy. Pete seemed like the cool one. I think he broke his arm at one point though.

John: Yeah, and therefore was slightly handicapped, and therefore–

Craig: Yeah, and thus an object of pity.

John: Pity/lust, I get it.

Craig: You feel me on that one. I love those. I remember in 5th grade I had a facility for language. I found reading and writing just came easily to me. Words came easily to me. In 5th grade they asked me to deliver the graduation speech. I remember that I wrote a speech that was rather mockish and infantile, in the way that a 5th grader would. It was a lot of bad metaphors about going through doors, opening doors and closing doors behind you and nonsense like that. It had a structure. I remember that I just innately understood that there should be an introduction where you establish this metaphor of doors opening and closing in your life and then three examples and then a final conclusion where the door closes behind you and you step out and you begin again.

John: That sounds very Toastmasters.

Craig: It was as paint by numbers as you can be, but the interesting thing was there were no numbers. I just had that. I was born with formula. I don’t know, maybe you need to start there. It’s a weird thing. Instead of having to learn it, it’s already in your DNA or something.

John: I think what I can also chart as probably the biggest influence on my development that way, and where I logged a lot of my 10,000 hours, was in Dungeons and Dragons, because D and D is one of those things where on the surface of it, it just seems like you’re pretending to play with swords, and it’s a bunch of people rolling dice and sitting around and table and drinking too much Coke.

Ultimately, when you’re playing a lot of D and D, especially when you’re playing at that age, you recognize that there’s two distinct phases to Dungeons and Dragons. There’s the social aspect where you and your friends are sitting around with your parents at a card table, and you’re playing a game, and one of you is the dungeon master. The other two or three of you are playing. He’s the fighter, he’s the thief, and that’s the wizard over there, the magic user over there. You’re trying to get through this dungeon. It’s very graph papery. You’re looking at a bunch of charts. That’s the part that feels baseball statistics-y, where there’s math involved and you’re trying to win a game. As you play more of it, you get a little bit more sophisticated, you start to really focus on the story and the role-playing aspect of it where you’re pretending to be… You’re this character. You’re this character in this situation. What does this character want? You start to think about your characters independent of this dungeon that you’re going through.

My friend Jason and I had, he had his character Garrett Darkhorse, who was a ranger. We started to build out these elaborate mythologies for the Darkhorse clan and who all the people were in the different generations. Suddenly it was about your character who would have a kid, and that kid would marry the other girl from over there. You started to look at the death of your character being part of the overall arc of the thing. It’s this sophistication that came only as you got to be more sophisticated, thinking about the narrative beyond this one specific game, this one specific dungeon that you were playing.

Craig: I didn’t quite get that massively nerdy, although I did play the… Marvel had a role-playing game.

John: I remember that.

Craig: A few of my friends and I played that. I remember not caring so much for the game, which I thought was just a little odd. I never quite got into the actual game part of it, but I loved making the characters. Everybody had a character and they had a name, and then I typed up backstories for all them, sort of like what you were describing, and actually tried to make sense of their… What happens is you roll dice, and they’re like, he’s really strong and he’s really fast, but he’s stupid. That’s interesting. Now, how can I create a narrative that explains that? I remember doing that and typing it up and printing it out on my daisy wheel printer.

John: You would print out these character backstories for the people who were playing your Marvel role-playing game.

Craig: It was interesting, because what they had were like, he’s got a power and he’s this old and he’s blond. Then I would try and explain where he was from and is he a human and how did he get this way and is he related to anybody and what does he fear, and come up with… The idea I guess was that there was a narrative puzzle presented. I always thinking of screenwriting as just endless puzzle solving. The puzzle is how do you make logical sense of this, some sort of dramatic, compelling theory that makes sense of the character you just created with dice. That was fun. I don’t know so much that I spent a lot of time practicing that is why I do what I do today. It’s that I felt the need to do it in the first place that explains why I do what I do today.

John: You felt a compelling need to create narrative meaning out of this thing that actually didn’t have a lot of meaning because it was rolled by dice. You wanted it to make sense and to exist in a way. It was probably one of the earliest occasions for you to see that the decisions you were making about who the characters were would influence the kind of stories you’d want to tell with those characters. Were you being the equivalent of the dungeon master for this, where you were leading the games?

Craig: No, my friend Dave Rogers was usually the dungeon master. Interestingly, he is a Emmy award-winning director now. He’s a very, very well-regarded director in television, directs a lot of episodes of The Office.

John: I’ve noticed several people who are involved with big TV shows right now come from D and D background. John Rogers, who does Leverage, who’s done a lot of other great shows, still writes for… I guess it’s not TSR now, it’s Wizards of the Coast, who bought out the D and D franchise. I first noticed, oh, there’s this… I was looking through one of the new manuals. I noticed his name. I was like, “I wonder if that’s the same person.” I Googled, like, oh, that’s just so strange that he still is doing that. In fact, he’s doing the new Dungeons and Dragons comic book, which is great. It’s like Firefly, but with swords. If we were to have him on the show, I suspect he had a similar experience where that experience of developing characters and developing a world for characters to run around in is really similar to developing the world of a movie, or even more so, developing the world of a TV show, is that you have a sustainable world that goes beyond the adventures of this one week’s play but has an overall narrative, an overall arc. I haven’t talked to David Benioff to see whether he played much D and D, but I’ve got the feeling that it’s probably true.

Craig: Knowing David, I would guess that he did. Knowing Dan Weiss, I would guess that he did as well.

John: It’s a pretty safe bet. I’ll also stump for the new D and D manuals. I don’t actually play D and D anymore. I wouldn’t have time to. I feel like so much of what I do and get paid to do is so similar that I would be burning out that part of my brain to try to DM a session. I’d still buy the new manuals. The new manuals are fantastic. Anybody who’s listening to this who played in the past and has seen those manuals, and like, “Eh, I wouldn’t go into them,” they’re remarkably well done. It’s Gary Gygax’s sort of legacy but sort of brought through to make a lot more sense. They made very smart choices in the new books. I have a ton of them that are all sitting on shelves and I read them as leisure time books.

Craig: That’s where I would fall apart. That’s why I can’t do that sort of part of the game because I don’t understand all the rules and my mind could not wrap around on that stuff.

John: One of the things I think is interesting about where we are right now is the online games, Diablo and World of Warcraft, that seem to be very similar, where they’re doing a lot… You’re running around and you’re killing things. They don’t develop that same instinct, really, because in those games you are optimizing, because ou are trying to figure out the best kind of character to make, but the character is really just a collection of statistics. The character has no backstory. The character has no motivations beyond the quests that are assigned through the game. You have goals as a person, but that character, individually, has no goals.

Craig: I like the Bethesda games. The main quests, at least, give you some sense of identity and sense of purpose.

John: In terms of choices you make?

Craig: Even in terms of your goal. In Oblivion you are tasked with a job by the dying king. In Fallout 3 you’re actually murdered in the beginning of the… Isn’t that right, in Fallout 3? No, no. That’s not Fallout 3. That was the other one.

John: Fallout 3 is an example of a tremendous–

Craig: Oh, it was in New Vegas you’re murdered.

John: New Vegas, yeah.

Craig: In Fallout 3 you’re actually born and you’re raised by a father and then he disappears and you have to go find him. There’s some sense of character.

John: There’s a sense of character, but you’re not generating that sense of character.

Craig: No. You’re right.

John: You are essentially an audience to that character development. While you might learn a lot by observing it, you’re not responsible for the making of it. You’re not making choices about how that narrative is going to be shaped.

Craig: That’s correct. That is the difference between the passive act of playing a video game that’s presented to you and scripted for you, and the idea that you’re going to make your own story as you go along. No question. No question.

John: Our next clip is from Episode 119: Positive Moviegoing.
Craig wanted to talk about positive moviegoing, which I’m not even sure what it means, so Craig start us out. What is positive moviegoing?

Craig: It’s this thing I’ve been thinking about lately because this is the time of year when all the so-called good movies come out. A lot of them are actually good movies. I think it’s just we live in a time of snarkiness and suspicion and nobody seems to want to like anything. People a lot of times go into theaters with their arms crossed, especially in Los Angeles. We’re all in the business. I think people go to movies and they’re demanding to hate them and they’re prejudging them. You name any movie and I could just sort of come up with some pretext for hating it.

What I really have been trying to do is when I go to movie to go wanting to love it and accepting everything about it for at least 20 minutes. I don’t care what happens in the first 20 minutes, I am on board. I will accept it and I will attempt to enjoy it as best I can. I will give myself to the movie. Then at some point, okay, listen, sometimes you just don’t like movies. Sometimes they disappoint. Sometimes they anger you because you hate them so much, and that’s okay. I’m not denying that that can happen. I’ve really been trying to just give myself over to movies.

I went and I saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I went in, just gave myself to the movie, and I loved it. I think I would have loved it anyway, but I think it helped that I wasn’t judging. I just decided nobody else goes to movies to judge. Why do we go to movies to judge? Can’t we just enjoy them? Anyway, that’s my thing, positive moviegoing.

John: What you’re describing is almost like… I can picture the body language of it. It’s like you’re sitting down in your seat. You’re not crossing your arms in front of you saying like, “Okay, impress me.” You’re saying, “I’m here. I’m eager to be entertained. I will follow you wherever you go. Take me on a journey.” That’s the message you’re trying to send to this movie.

Craig: That’s right, sort of like meeting somebody at a party and they start to tell you a story. You’re standing there, so be nice. Listen to it. Give it a shot. I get so depressed when I see people ripping movies apart before they even see them.

Aline Brosh McKenna: Yeah, I agree. I think it’s easy to hate things and to bag on things. I think it’s just, it makes people feel fashionable and intellectual. It’s harder. It takes more effort to go out there and say, “You know what? Even if it wasn’t perfect, even if things aren’t prefect, sometimes things that you love are the imperfect perfect thing.” Going in there with an attitude of like, “I’m going to enjoy this. I paid my money to enjoy this, not to find something that I can sit down with my friends later and pick to shreds.”

Craig: Yeah. It will happen that we will encounter movies that infuriate us. And we will pick them to shreds and we will pick them to shreds. If you’ve earned that experience, so you’ve earned it, but there is something to be said for letting yourself be entertained and not attempt to make yourself feel better by pushing a movie away. Frankly even the feeling that, okay, it’s not perfect. How often does that happen? Movies win Oscars and people go, “Oh my god, that piece of crap won an Oscar.” Perfection is irrelevant. I almost think, okay, mistakes aren’t really mistakes. It’s just no more than I got from here to there on a road and it was a really enjoyable journey and there was a pothole. It’s just part of it.

Aline: I like it. I also think it’s very Christmas-y.

John: It’s very Christmas-y. Now, on some level are we talking about expectation? I find that a lot of times the movies that I enjoy most were the ones where my expectations were not set too high going into them. That’s why I love to see a movie during its opening weekend before everyone has sort of told me what I’m supposed to think and feel about it, because when I come into a theater with a set of expectations, nothing can surprise me. I’m sort of preconditioned to think this is how I’m supposed to feel about this particular entertainment.

Aline: Yeah. I miss the days of just going to see a movie and knowing nothing about it. My parents would drive us to the Paramus Park. We used to call it the Millionplex. It had 14 theaters. They would just drop us off there and we would see the 7:30, whatever it was, and just be happy. That’s how I saw Pee-wee’s Big Adventure, which pleasantly surprised us. We laughed, fell out of our chairs laughing. We also saw Yor, The Hunter From the Future that way.

Craig: Good one.

Aline: You don’t have that surprise anymore. You’ve been so inundated with media before you go to see a movie now, that I miss the days of just thinking like, “I just want to see a movie. Let’s see what’s out there.” I miss that.

John: Yeah, I remember seeing 9 to 5 that way. I was a kid dropped off at the theater, and the theater we were supposed to go to… They just dropped us off at the wrong movie, essentially, so we saw 9 to 5. I was far too young to see 9 to 5, which is the best way to see 9 to 5, because they’re smoking pot and having sex and all these things.

Aline: Stringing people up.

John: I also remember in college going to see… We ended up seeing The Handmaid’s Tale because the other movie that we wanted to see was completely sold out. We had no idea what the movie was. That’s so incredibly rewarding when you sit in, the only information you have is what the filmmakers are giving you frame-by-frame as the story unfolds. You had that experience of positive moviegoing because you weren’t preconceived with what we were supposed to feel. There was no expectation about what to —

Aline: You haven’t checked a review aggregator that’s given you 60 opinions before you even set foot there.

Craig: Yeah, or your Twitter feed, or comedians teeing up, or whatever, anything, or even articles that are insisting that it’s the most important thing of all time. It’s funny. 9 to 5 was the first movie I think I was dropped off to see on my own. I remember it was like a weird triple date, like a weird triple fifth-grade date. What were our parents thinking? I really make an effort now when I sit in the movie theater before the movie starts to blank my mind completely. I just say, go ahead movie, write all over me and let’s see where this goes.

John: Some of my favorite experiences are actually like when you see the three trailers, or the four trailers, and then the real movie starts and you’ve forgotten what the movie was that you [unclear 00:25:40] what movie is this. Oh right, it’s the Muppets. It is very exciting.

Now, let’s talk for a second as filmmakers, as screenwriters. Is there anything we can do in those opening pages or in the opening minutes of a movie to get people in the positive moviegoing experienced? What is that like from our side as writers to hopefully foster that good spirit?

Craig: I do have one thing that lately I’ve been tending to do, and that is write a credit sequence. It became out of fashion. Originally movies used to have these opening credit sequences that includes even the credits that we now call end credits, where there are logos and rosters of people. Then there were the standard opening credit sequences. That became out of fashion. For a long time, all the credits went in the back of the movie, so you just started the movie. I really like credit sequences. I like opening credit sequences. The opening credits for Mitty are beautiful. I think that that helps kind of get everybody situated and in the mood, so I’ve been doing that lately.

John: I will also write credit sequences in movies where I feel it’s appropriate. More than anything I try to make sure that the reader and therefore the viewer feels confident, like, trust me, this is going to be a ride that you will enjoy taking with me. You’re going to feel rewarded and smart on this journey. We know what we’re doing. Everything is going to be okay. That shows up in your word selection on those first pages, but also just making sure no one is confused in a bad way in those first pages. If it’s a funny movie, you need to have something funny happen really quickly, so everyone sort of gets what the world of your movie is.

Aline: My husband has a thing where we’ll go to see a movie, and sometimes movies take forever just to get going, and he’ll turn to me at some point and say, “When does the movie start?” 20 minutes into the movie, because sometimes it just seems like, especially because we do know what movies we’re going to see, it does seem like if you’re taking 15 minutes to get us acquainted with what we’ve seen on the poster, that makes me a little itchy. I think our attention span for that has probably changed a bunch, too. I think it’s great to see if you can get to the heart of the matter so the audience knows what movie they are seeing.

John: Let’s segue to our next topic, which you brought up also, which is why it’s important to be friends with writers. My recollection, and my early days in Hollywood, I was friends with a bunch of people who were starting out in Hollywood, but they weren’t necessarily writers. I went through a graduate film program, so everyone was trying to become a producer, a film executive. Some people became writers. I didn’t necessarily seek out other writers. What was your history going to–

Aline: I feel really strongly about that. I think that people sometimes misunderstand what the idea is. The idea is not to be friends with writers who are going to network for you, or who are cool, or who are writing, or who are employed. That’s not really the critical thing. The critical thing is to have friends who do what you do and are engaged in the same kind of work that you are.

A couple of my writer friends are from the very, very, very beginning of our career before we had any success or barely any work. We don’t have workplaces in the way that… My husband works at a mutual fund. He has a workplace. He has coworkers. We don’t have that. Even when we do for a specific project, they’re just for that specific project. My ongoing workplace, my Cheers, my group of people that I check in with, are my other writer friends that I talk to on the phone periodically, or have lunch with.

John: Aline, you talk on the phone?

Aline: I talk on the phone.

John: Wow.

Craig: Who talks on the phone?

Aline: I do.

John: Wow.

Aline: We can check in on what we’re doing and say, “Hey, I was working on that. What do you think of this? Is this a good idea? What do you think of this person?” That network is invaluable. You will grow with these people. It’s less important to seek out people who you think are going to connect you with a job and more important to seek out people whose process you find productive. Gatins refers to it as lab partners. Finding a lab partner who does their homework and has a neat notebook is important.

John: I don’t think Gatins has a neat notebook. I think Gatins’s notebook is one of those PT folders that he’s like sort of half colored in as he fell asleep.

Craig: Gatins’s notebook, it’s like a folder that you open up and it looks like it’s full of stuff, and you open it up and there’s nothing in there.

Aline: It’s so brilliant.

Craig: It’s all in his head.

Aline: It’s like a workbook where he didn’t do any of the math, but around the margins are those amazing drawings and thoughts. He’s a good example. He’s a great lab partner. Also, something another friend of mine said, which is easier said than done, we were talking about having your friends read stuff. I said, “Who do you go to for that?” He said, “It’s very simple. Send it to someone who roots for you.”

Craig: Perfect. He’s exactly right.

Aline: I don’t know, it was something I hadn’t really thought of in quite that way, because I think we all have friends that we love, but maybe we have other friends who we think root a little harder.

Craig: You mean to say, “Maybe some of them are rooting against us.” That’s what you mean to say, which I think is real, by the way. Listen, it’s human. It bums me out, but I sometimes sense it.

Aline: It’s funny, I have the opposite.

Craig: Same thing about the positive moviegoing.

Aline: I have the opposite of that, which is I really like everyone around me to be really successful because I think it makes me look better.

Craig: Exactly.

Aline: It gives me more names to drop. Sometimes it’s even on a specific project. Sometimes you can have a friend who is really supportive but they don’t like an idea that you have. There was just a friend that I had that I pitched him a few things I was working on, and one of them he just thought was a terrible idea. That’s not somebody who I would ever go to and say, “Do you want to read this?” It’s just find somebody who really wants to see you do well, or find someone who really roots for that specific project, because that’s positive moviegoing. You want to share your work and share your career with people who are going in with the best possible intentions.

We generate enough of our own schadenfreude towards ourselves in this process. You don’t really need it from other people. I have lots of friends who are producers and executives and agents, and actors too, but your writer friends understand your struggles and your travails and they can really be there for you. I think if you look around, you can find people to link arms with, and you will all come up together.

John: My friend, Andrew Lippa, who did the music for Big Fish, he has this group of composers, lyricist composers, and they get together once a month and they have to show the work that they’ve been working on. As a group they have to perform the thing and they talk about it, which just seems amazing. There are obviously screenwriter groups that can do the same kind of thing, but it’s different to show your written pages versus actually performing something. It’s that trust element that kicks in.

You were talking about how you might have directors or producers or other people who can read your stuff, agents, but all of them have some vested interest in maybe how they’re going to associate with this project. The great thing about another writer is the writer is just the writer. They’re not trying to take your project. They’re not trying to do anything.

While there’s still sometimes that, it’s not even schadenfreude, but that realization of there’s only so many musical chairs, and that sometimes you’re competing for the same spots, in general we can be very supportive of each other because we’re not trying to do the same thing. We’re all working on our own projects.

Aline: Yeah, and it’s interesting, because I know you guys have talked about this too, but the three of us all met at different phases in our careers.

John: We should talk about how you and I met, because that’s a strange version of how you and I met. Let me tell my recollection of it, because I’m really curious to hear your version of it. Aline and I met on the phone because I was coming in to rewrite a project that she had written as a spec, correct?

Aline: No, I wrote it on assignment for New Line. Then John rewrote it and he cold called me and said, “I want to make sure it’s okay with you that I’m rewriting this.” I said, “Sure.” Then John did a draft of it, and never to be heard from again, that thing.

Craig: John, you killed her movie.

John: I probably killed her movie.

Aline: They were bringing in the big guns, and I got pushed down the stairs. John was the first person, I think might have been the first person ever to call me and do the gracious thing. I was outside on my deck and I remember he said, “Is it okay with you if I do this?”

John: I remember you also saying like, “Somebody is going to do it, and I’d rather you do it than somebody else,” which is honestly the reality of most of these situations. The answer is not going to be they’re going to go back to you, the original writer. If they’re looking for another writer, they’re going to hire another writer, so you want the writer who actually has the ability to make the movie be good and not ruin the movie. Those are the situations you want to have. That was a strange project, because the reason why I was able to get a hold of you is because we both had John Gatins as a friend. I called Gatins to get your number and said like, “Is it going to be cool if I call?”

Aline: Oh, that’s nice.

John: It was this movie that you wrote that I really liked. It was just a really good idea. Suddenly Dustin Hoffman was attached, and so I went to this lunch, this crazy lunch with Dustin Hoffman. Suddenly, this is a movie, and then it just disappeared.

Aline: Yeah, it got complicated in that way those things do. We already knew each other, and I knew Craig already when the strike happened. The strike was really the thing where writers really connected in a different way. I think it was sort of the convergence of the strike plus the internet. All of a sudden people really got to know each other in a way that I had not experienced previously in my career where people really know each other now in a different way than they ever had before. I really think it’s for the good. I always find it funny when you’re talking to an agent or an executive or a producer and you say, “Oh yeah, I talked to so-and-so about that project. Oh, yeah, she did a draft on that. So-and-so is directing it.” They’re like, “How do you know that?” It’s because, I think, we know each other more now than we did.

Craig: We know more than they know sometimes. We know so much more than they think we know. We talk to each other. I have a lot of writer friends. I like writers. It’s been a wonderful thing for me for the last, I don’t know, six or seven years to get this coterie of writers around me that I admire and that I trust and that I can learn from. We share and talk about everything. I think we do so in a way that is informed by our experience of being safe with each other, that over time we haven’t screwed each other over, that the narrative that we just feed off of each other and compete with each other and undercut each other is essentially bullshit, and that, in fact, we are supportive of each other because the pain that we feel is the most salient thing about the job we do. When we see somebody else feeling it, naturally we just want to help them. There have been a couple people here and there, but for the most part I have found screenwriters to be incredibly generous and incredibly empathetic, and sweet and encouraging, to me at least.

Aline: I’ll tell you a good story. On this spec that I was working on, I wanted to give it to somebody who didn’t know me and didn’t know the situation and didn’t know anything about it that I could give to cold, who I really respected. I gave it to a writer who I really, really respect but don’t know super well. I maybe hung out with him a dozen, no, half a dozen times. I sent him the script, and then I didn’t hear from him for a while which is always the thing where you’re like, “Oh god, he hates it and he can’t figure out how to tell me.” Then I get an email from him that says, “Look, my dad was sick, he was in the hospital. I’m just about to read the script,” whatever. I was like, oh no. Then a couple days go by and I get a set of notes, seven pages of notes–

John: Wow.

Aline: That are the most amazing thoughtful, heartfelt–

Craig: You’re welcome. You’re welcome.

Aline: Well thought out. Including like, “Page 26, you could be doing this. Page 43, you could be doing this.” Sometimes you get notes from people and it’s like they’re fighting what the movie is. This was just a writer understanding like, oh, this is what she’s trying to do. You are trying to do this. Let me help you. You’re trying to get to such and such a place in five hours. Let me give you the best directions on how to get there.
I was so moved when I got that notes document that I was in my office and tears sprang to my eyes. I know how hard it is as a writer to turn your attention from your own imagination and delve into another person’s script. That he would do seven pages of these incredible notes really blew me away. It’s professional camaraderie. Man, the more of that you can find the better. It doesn’t have to be somebody famous. If you’re 23 years old, it can be somebody else that you know who wants to do this, who will read your stuff and put their heart into it.

John: It’s also back to the issue of as writers we want movies to be better. When I’m advising on projects at Sundance or other places, everyone’s like, “Oh, that’s a tremendous amount of your time that you’re spending.” It’s like, yes, but it’s a chance to make movies better. It’s a way to sort of see what a person is attempting to try to do and help them get to that place that they’re trying to get to.
Seven pages of notes is above and beyond the call. That’s terrific. Really only a writer could do that, because only a writer could understand what you were trying to do and provide specific ways that you could get to that place.

Craig: I would also say that only a writer can convince you that you’re any good.

Aline: That’s interesting.

Craig: I had a very nice experience. I started writing a novel a couple of years ago. Honestly, I wrote two chapters and then stopped, mostly just out of fear that it wasn’t going to be any good and that I wasn’t any good and I’m no good and blah, blah, blah, rotten tomatoes.

John: Dennis Palumbo?

Craig: No, it’s not Dennis Palumbo. I gave it to Kelly Marcel because she asked to see it. She’s a really good writer. She loved it. I have to believe that. When we give screenplays, or we give our work to people that are employing us, they’re just as overly optimistic as we are. Everybody is rooting, rooting, rooting, but you always wonder. Or you give it to somebody, some producer or agents or coverage. Who’s doing coverage? I don’t know who they are. If a writer reads something of yours and says, “This is good,” then you need to believe it. We can’t get that from anybody else.

John: Yeah. You want that response of, “I’m so happy for you and also a little bit jealous.” That’s the best feeling you can get as a writer is when another writer says, “This is great and I wish I had written it.”

Craig: You know what’s so funny? That’s exactly what she said. She said, I actually think she used the words, “I’m a bit jealous.” Now, I have this other task master that’s making me write this book, which is terrific, terrific, because we also need that. We need somebody. We need a lab partner. We need a lab partner.

John: As we wrap up this segment on the importance of writers being friends, we also need to credit Aline, because during the strike – I agree that the 2008 strike was a big game-changer in terms of especially feature writers knowing who each other are – you organized these events that would happen during the strike, these drink events where we would all get together and mingle. It was my first chance of actually getting to know faces with names of some of these people.

During the strike you were assigned to different studios where you were supposed to be doing picketing. Because I am the palest person on earth, I would picket at Paramount Studios from 5:30 in the morning until 8:30 in the morning, so it would be dark and so I wouldn’t get sunburned. I loved that group of people I was hanging out with. Everyone else was at different studios.

The events that you organized, and there were three or four of them, were terrifically helpful,
because just suddenly all these names that I’d seen in the trades are suddenly in front of you
and you’re talking about the things you’re talking about. A lot of what we were talking about was the strike, but you’re also talking about the work, and you’re talking about how to make things better.

Aline: It came at a critical point. If you try to do those mixers sometimes, it’s hard to get people to go, but people were really wanting to be with other writers then and talk about what’s going on and what are we going to do, and nobody was working.

You were able to organize them over the internet really quickly, send out an e-vite to hundreds of people. There were a lot of people who I knew their names but had never met them. We all really got to know each other during that experience. People had really varying opinions was the other thing. A thing that always amazed me was people were really all over the map about what they believed about this, but by and large people were able to… The camaraderie of being screenwriters overcame people’s different point of views on the strike.

John: I would say there were different point of views on the strike and what we should be doing on the strike and how long it should go and what we should be fighting for. It made a common point of focus in terms of what our profession is and what it is our job is and what our craft is. By focusing on the feature writers who are usually completely in isolation, bringing thing together, it was a way for us to identify ourselves as a group, because usually we’re not a group the way that TV writers are often in rooms together and know each other. It was a way for us to actually know who these people were.

Craig: There’s a certain kind of way that screenwriters interact with each other that is unique. I love it. It is a very talky, chatty, low-tech, low-fancy environment, almost always. We don’t do it the way other people do it. There are few screenwriters I know that love to glam it up and throw parties at nightclubs and stuff like that, but for the most part it seems to me we’re at our happiest when we’re talking somewhere where we can hear each other. That’s fun. It’s a nice, real way to be in Los Angeles, a town where just around the corner there’s some place that has convinced you is important and you have to go inside, and if you can’t get inside, and who do you know inside, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. There we are with our jeans and our sweaters and our cigars and our wine. We’re able to be real with each other.

Aline: I will tackle people. It’s funny, because I won’t do this with actors or directors really, but if I see a writer whose work I admire… I did a panel with Peter Morgan in 2006, and I was so excited he was going to be there. The video of me is like a running back approaching, of me literally taking guys and grabbing them by the nape of the neck and chucking them out of the way to get to Pete. I was so excited to meet him. I got to him and I was like, “Oh my god, I just came to this thing so I could meet you.” That moment someone said, “Let me take your picture.” There’s a picture like 30 seconds after Pete and I meet, and I look like I’m standing next to Santa Claus. I’m so excited to be meeting Peter.

Craig: John, who was my Peter Morgan in Austin?

John: Oh, it was Breaking Bad. It was Vince Gilligan.

Aline: Vince.

Craig: Vince Gilligan.

Aline: That thing, when you meet somebody whose work you so admire.

Craig: It’s everything. It’s everything.

Aline: It’s so amazing. I will tackle people. Kelly Marcel just moved to town.

Craig: Did you tackle Kelly Marcel?

Aline: I tackled her at the Mr. Banks thing. She’s new to town so she doesn’t know a lot of writers. I was like, oh, there’s people for you to meet.

John: There’s a mixer in your future.

Aline: She went to Austin, which is a really good way. One thing I would say is go to an event like Austin if you’re somebody who is starting out. Again, we just did not have stuff like this when we were starting out. I would have been there tackling people. Go to these events where there is going to be other aspiring people and you will find people that you connect to, that you can pitch your movies to, that you can talk about what they’re working on. You don’t have to be connecting to the fancy people. You can be connecting to people who are exactly in the same stage that you’re in.

John: Everyone grows up together, so there’s lateral things where you’re reading their script, and if you love their script, keep reading their scripts, and keep helping them out, and they will reciprocate. You will find your people, but you have to look for your people because it’s not you’re a professional football player where you’re just going to be around professional football players.

Aline: That’s right.

John: You are always going to be isolation unless you choose to make yourself not in isolation.

Craig: Don’t be judgey. Don’t be judgey. Don’t think that your friends have to be the fanciest writers in the world, or the most successful writers in the world. Don’t let that get in the way. When you fall in love with another writer, you’re falling in love with a kindred spirit and a fellow mind who understands you, who can help you and you can help them. There is no better feeling. The only better feeling than being helped is helping. How is that for Christmas?

John: This clip is from Episode 425: Tough Love versus Self-Care.

This is inspired by a Chuck Wendig blog post over this past week where he talks through the dueling notions of do you buckle down and sit in that chair and get all those words written when you’re hurting, or do you take a step back and practice some self-care. He’s really looking at the trap you can fall into where you’re just self-caring all the time and you’re not actually doing the hard work. As we head into NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month, which is where I started Arlo Finch, I thought it was a good time to look at the dueling instincts to you’ve got tough it out versus relax and be easy on yourself.

Craig: Yeah. I loved this. I thought it was really smart. The reason I really appreciated it is because there are two positive ways of thinking about things, and one positive way is I need to take care of myself and be gentle with myself and not beat myself up, because that’s going to be counterproductive. There’s another positive thing that says I need to apply myself and motivate myself and push through difficult things and be resilient in order to get things done.
The problem with both of those things is that bad sentiments can easily masquerade as those things.

That’s the part that I thought he really put his finger on brilliantly is that the two things I just said are correct and good, but here’s something that can masquerade as tough love: a kind of brutal self-loathing and self-denial. Here’s something that can masquerade as self-care: just fear and withdrawal and a sense that engaging isn’t worth it. I thought it was really important that especially now because we do concentrate so heavily on self-care ,that somebody said, just watch out, there are these two imposters that will wear the clothing of these two things and neither one is going to help you.

John: Yeah. Let’s go back to that tough love, because someone who is advocating tough love will say, “Yeah, so what? Writing is often hard. You’re not digging a ditch.” To some degree, writing is exercise and it’s just like working out. You get stronger sometimes by pushing through the pain. You’ve got to rip those muscles a little bit so that they can get stronger. I don’t know if physical science would hold that up to be true.

Craig: You did it.

John: I get that. Writing, for all of us, actually sitting down in the button chair and getting to that 1,000 words or those 3 pages can be really tough sometimes. It’s hard to string the words together. We’ve talked about this a lot on the show. What Craig describes as that imposter is a real thing where sometimes it’s your romantic notion that art must be suffering. That writing must be hard and so therefore if writing is hard then I’m doing the right thing because that’s what writing is supposed to be like, that it’s supposed to hurt and it’s supposed to be torture every time you do it. That’s probably not true. That’s not a healthy way to be approaching the craft that you’ve chosen for yourself.

Craig: You can easily get into a trap where you think of yourself as stupid or lazy because it just didn’t happen that day. You can try and try and try. There are days where it’s not going to happen. The healthy thing is to say that that is normal. I am not perfect. Not every day is going to be optimum. That imposter dressed in the clothing of tough love will say, “You suck. You’re weak and lazy and dumb, and a real writer would have gotten it done. You just failed.” That’s not helpful at all.

John: Let’s look at self-care, because you and I are both dealing with shoulder pain. Part of the recommendation for that is, take it easy on your shoulder. Don’t do things that are going to hurt your shoulder. That really is a form of self-care. If you are encountering a lot of mental anguish and other things in your life that makes it hard for you to write, possibly pushing through and forcing yourself to write is going to make that mental anguish worse. Be mindful that there could be a good reason why you should step off the accelerator and give yourself a little bit of a break and not be pushing yourself so hard.

Chuck was writing from the perspective of he’s a guy in a shack who is writing books. I’m reading his book right now. His book is really good. He wrote a big giant tome called Wanderers. It’s sort of like The Stand. It’s as long as The Stand. It’s a big tome that drops down. Chuck is a guy writing by himself out in the woods. He is not in a writing room. I’m going to keep using that word as much as I can.

Craig: Good for you.

John: He’s not in a writing room in a social environment with other people, and so therefore he only has himself to turn to. Some of his advice can be a little bit different about self-care when you are surrounded by a group who can be pushing you or also be supporting you.

Craig: The self-care thing is interesting because we didn’t really have it until a few years ago. Of course, it existed and people would come up with different names, but the notion of self-care and the popularity of it is a relatively modern phenomenon. What happens is there’s this backlash where people say, “Problem is all these snowflakes with their self-care, ergo self-care is stupid.” By the way, the people that say that never use the term ergo, but whatever. That’s not correct. Self-care is actually crucial.

What is correct is that self-care can be used as a name for something that isn’t self-care at all, but a different kind of self-abuse, which is hiding. We can, when we are afraid, sometimes put on the clothing of somebody that is trying to take care of themselves, when really we’re just scared. People might think, how exactly is writing scary? When you don’t know what to say, it’s terrifying. It really is. It’s as scary as a dream where you have to go on stage and give a speech but you haven’t prepared one. That’s what it kind of feels like.

John: Yeah. There’s a natural anxiety that happens, like, am I going to be able to do it? If I can’t do it, then it’s going to suck and I’m going to be embarrassed. Even if I’m the only person who is going to see that I can’t do it, it’ll going to be embarrassing. Yes, there’s a whole cycle that can start about should I sit down and actually start writing today?

Craig: Correct. You can wear the clothing of modern parlance and say, no, today is a self-care day. It is worth taking a real clear moment when you say today is a self-care day to say, “Or is it?” It doesn’t mean you’re lying to yourself. It just means let’s really ask and evaluate first. Then if everything checks out, then yes, it’s a self-care day.

John: I put together a list of five questions that I thought would be a starting place for looking at is this a time for self-care or is this a time for some tough love with myself. et me read through here. Craig, I suspect you’ll have other things to add to this checklist.

First I would say is check the facts. Basically that’s a chance to sort of step outside yourself and just look at the situation you’re in. Is this a situation where you’re dealing with some big stuff that anyone in your situation would say like, okay, given what you’re going through, like the loss of a family member, a big breakup, you’re moving, there are some real reasons why you are not equipped at this moment to be doing this stuff. Just check the facts. Independent of your emotions, what are the actual facts about this situation?

I would ask, are you taking care of the basics? Are you actually eating properly? Are you sleeping enough? Is there some basic survival function that you’re not doing a good enough job at, and is that the thing you really need to fix rather than worrying about how much you’re writing on a day? I would ask, can you take smaller bites? By that I mean rather than committing to 3 hours of sitting writing, can you just write for 20 minutes, or an hour? Can you do a little sprint to get you through some stuff? Can you write 100 words rather than forcing yourself to write 1,000 words at a sitting?

Can you lower the stakes? And this is where I come back to Aline Brosh McKenna’s method of getting in the ocean. I don’t know if you remember her describing this at some point. This is how Aline describes starting to swim in the ocean, is that you sort of step on the sand and you get your toes wet, and then you get your ankles wet, then you splash a little water up on your shins, and then your knees. Eventually you’re in the ocean and you’re swimming and you don’t even realize that you started swimming. I always loved Aline’s visual for how she gets into the ocean, because it’s true. It’s scary to jump into the ocean, but if you just wander in there, you’re like, oh hey, I’m in the ocean and I’m swimming.

Craig: It’s literally how every Jewish woman I’ve ever seen gets into a pool. It’s like every Jewish woman slowly wets the arms, wets the legs. It’s so careful. Maybe it’s just my family. Maybe it’s just the women in my family. I don’t know. It’s such a weird stereotypical thing, and I guess as far as stereotypes go, fairly harmless, because it is a smart way of acclimating to a new environment. I think lowering the stakes is a brilliant point of view on this, because there are times where you may say, “Listen, I think today is a self-care day. You know what? Today is a self-care day. That said, what if I did some writing on a self-care day? It doesn’t even count. It’s like free calories. Because it’s a self-care day. If it happens it happens. If it doesn’t it doesn’t. I’ll just try it now with zero stakes attached because it’s a self-care day. I don’t have to sit there grinding my teeth because it’s not happening.” I think that’s really smart.

John: Katie Silberman when she was on the show recently, she talked about how when she starts a project she’ll write scenes and scenes and scenes that aren’t going to be in the movie that are just the characters talking. Perfect. Those are throwaway scenes. It doesn’t matter. You’re just getting a sense of the voices. There’s no demand that those actually have to be the real scenes in the movie. Try writing those. You’ll be surprised. Some of those will end up in the movie. It’s lowering the stakes. The world isn’t going to come crashing down if those scenes are not perfect.

Craig: There you go. Yeah.

John: Last I would say, can you define what you’ll need to be able to do in order to get back to work as normal? If you say, okay, this is a self-care day, I can’t do it, great. What are the criteria you need to meet for you to be able to get back to work? If you can be just a little bit more concrete about that, like, “Okay, I need to be able to sit for 10 minutes without bursting into tears,” great. That’s a thing, if you can do that, then you’re on your way to being able to do the next thing. “I need to be able to focus on one thing for 20 minutes.” Give yourself some real criteria, benchmarks that you need to hit, so that you can actually say, okay, I’m in this state or I’m not in this state. There’s a sense that there’s an end date to it, that it’s not going to be a permanent condition for you.

Craig: Those are five great questions to ask yourself. I really only have one other one to suggest. It is simply, is the biggest problem on this particular day your writing? Because if the biggest problem, the thing that is taking the most wind out of your sails, the thing that is making you the sickest in your gut is the work itself, it may not be a self-care day. It may be a day where you just have to kind of re-approach your writing and think about what’s not working, because otherwise you could hide forever from that.

John: Yeah. When I was writing the Arlo Finch books, so the third book is in and done, so I’m essentially done with them, it was a lot more regular writing than I’d ever had to do. It’s been four years of really regular writing to get those books done. The word counts were just so much higher and the workload was so much higher than before. I did have to be little tougher on myself in terms of like, yeah, I don’t necessarily really want to do it today but I kind of need to do it today and I’m going to do it today. Even family vacations, I would say, okay, I need an hour this morning to write. I’m not being selfish. It’s what needs to happen. We would plan for I’m writing during this time. then once I got that writing done, I was just free in a way that was great. It wasn’t looming over me because I knew I’d gotten that work done.

I bring this up because sometimes writing actually is what you need to do. Sometimes writing is a really important way to get healthy again because it lets you step outside of yourself, outside of your own internal narrative into a different narrative and really focus on that for a time. It can get you out of your head with the right project.

Craig: That’s such a great point. I’ve got to tell you, that’s me. There are times where I needed a day off or even a week off because of extant circumstances, things that are going on in my family. My son has surgery. You got to deal with life as it comes and there are days where you just can’t do your work. In all honesty, 90% of the time when I am feeling miserable it’s because something is wrong with what I’m writing. The only way to fix that is to solve that problem. It doesn’t mean I have to write the solution. Sometimes I just have to take a long walk or a long shower. Sometimes I just don’t know the answer and I have to sit in that discomfort. That is still a work day to me. My fingers may not be moving on the keys, but I am thinking. I’m trying. I know exactly what you said is correct. When I do solve it and when I write that solution, the pain that I’m feeling will go away. Therefore I can’t self-care that. That can’t be self-cared away. That has to just be worked away. It’s a really smart distinction that you’ve made there.

John: Cool. We will link to Chuck Wendig’s original blog post which we thought was terrific. Chuck Wendig also writes a lot about writing and the writing process, so if you’ve not read any of his books on writing you should do that as well, because he’s a very smart, clever guy and talks really honestly about the frustration of writing but also what’s cool about writing, and has a very good voice. I would encourage you to check out his books as well.

This clip is from Episode 539: How to Grow Old as a Writer.

We have two big topics this week. This one you proposed, so I’m going to let you take leadership on this topic of growing old as a writer.

Craig: I was just thinking about because we’ve been doing this for a while, you and I, and when we started, there was actually quite a lot of concern about ageism in our business. The general idea was that somewhere after 50 the business started kicking people out. In fact, when you look at what the Writers Guild considers a protected class, writers over the age of 40 are considered a protected class. The world has changed drastically since the mid-’90s. I was talking to some people the other day who were pointing out that the writers who are being employed as showrunners, and we’ll call them sort of major feature film writers, generally are older than they’ve ever been before.

I thought, this is interesting. There must be some sort of lessons that we can learn, since you and I are among the people that are still here, about how to keep yourself fresh and motivated and relevant as the years go on, because we are not kids no more.

John: No. Craig, do we want to talk about how to have a long career, or how to be comfortable with aging in your career? Are we talking both? What are the edges of this conversation?

Craig: I feel like they’re intertwined. So, rather than talk in a very practical way about something that is applicable to about 80 people, I want to talk about something that’s applicable to everybody. Everybody who pursues any kind of creative concern, whether you are a visual artist or an actor or a writer or a producer-director, whatever it is that you do, as you get older your relationship to your own art and your own creative process does need to change, or you’re going to suffer. A reflection of that may be in terms of the industry around you and people’s interest in you, or an audience’s response to you. Rather than view it through the lens of industry, I just want to talk about how to keep ourselves in a kind of good place with our own creative minds.

John: Great. The artistic side of growing older and how that relates to the craft and the thing that you’re trying to make on a daily basis.

Craig: Ideally that would be reflected back at you with some sort of industrial success, if that’s what you’re looking for as the years go on. First let’s just consider it all in terms of strategies, because I do think like anything else there’s just practical things that you can apply to yourself as time goes on. These are good thoughts and questions to just, even every birthday, take a 10-minute walk and think about it.

First, you have to think about what your task actually is. Because it changes over time. You may start as someone who for instance in the mid-’90s, you are, “I want to write sitcoms. I’m going to be a sitcom guy that works on network sitcoms.” There are hundreds of them. Over time, that changes. The tasks that are available that match what you think you do can change. Also, formats can change. We think of television as a certain thing now. It’s all over the place. When we started, it was something else. Chernobyl, for instance, couldn’t have been really done until a certain format change occurred. That meant paying attention to what was going on with formats.

There are two kinds of challenges that you can make to yourself. The first is, is the thing that I’m doing the only thing I can be doing, or could I be writing a different kind of thing, like a short story, or like you did, a novel, or like we’ve both done, some songs, or nonfiction work? Also, are we working within a format that is maybe dying out or just getting boring to us? What other formats might expand our own personal expression? If we don’t rotate the crops, as it were, then we will end up with a field that isn’t doing too well.

John: Let’s talk about rotating the crops, because I think that ties into a thing that happens with age, which is this burnout, which is that you’ve done one thing for so long that it’s boring to you. It’s just not interesting to you. It’s hard to work up the enthusiasm to do it again.

I was talking with a writer recently. She was just starting on a new script. She’s like, oh wow, wait, I’m back doing this again. I’m having to start a whole new script again. She was ready to. She knew how to write a script. It was also she didn’t have the same enthusiasm for it that she would have had 5 years, 10 years earlier in her career.

I think that’s one of the reasons why I was attracted to writing the Arlo Finch books or to writing the Big Fish musical is it gave me a chance to be a beginner again, to be someone who is brand new to things and be curious and eager to explore and willing to make mistakes as I’m figuring out this new art form. When you have mastery over something, it’s nice, it’s helpful, things are easier for you, but they’re also less exciting. Picking a new thing to try to do… Just challenge yourself on a regular basis to try something that you haven’t done before as a writer, so that you get that experience of being new at things.

Craig: Yeah. Getting yourself in that rut is the function of a good thing, I think. We know that you need to focus and you need to practice and perfect. That’s part of how you get good at any creative pursuit. There is a point where, and a little bit like when you get in a video game you’ve maxed out your level, you’re now just walking around all the areas of Skyrim and beating everyone’s brains in with ease.

John: Yeah. You’re just doing a little side quest.

Craig: There’s no challenge because you are perfection, and it gets boring. You’re absolutely right. Being a beginner again is a wonderful thing. It’s a little scary, so it’s also a function of fear. Trying new things is scary. The thing that I’m scared of the most is actually, at this point now in my life, being bored. Challenge yourself to reconsider the nature of the formats you do work in, that you’re willing to work in, that you’re willing to try. Take a look at some formats that you didn’t maybe know even existed before, because there are new ones all the time. Challenge yourself to even break out of a genre and into another genre.

John: You’re really saying just stay curious and really look at the world around you and see, what is out there, what is a thing I could make out there that is interesting to me? It doesn’t mean you have to pursue everything. You don’t have to become a social media influencer. You don’t have to master TikTok. It’s okay to leave some stuff by the side, but also recognize that if these things are coming online, they’re serving some need. What is it you can bring to this need, and what can you do that could fit into this bigger universe of new content that’s being made?

Craig: You’ve mentioned the key to all of this, which is stay curious and be connected with the world. The biggest complaint people will make about, we’ll call them aging artists, is that they’re out of touch. How do we get out of touch? We get out of touch by essentially ignoring the world around us because we feel like we figured it out in a moment, and then we stay there. The world will move past that moment. If you don’t, you will be out of touch.

Sometimes people engage with the world simply in opposition. “Kids these days.” Let me just boil it down to that. “I don’t understand the world today. Everyone is on their phones.” Anybody who ever says, “You know what the problem is with the world today? Look around you man. Everyone is staring at their phones. They’re not looking at each other,” you go ahead and tell that person they’re an idiot, because the world changes. They are interacting in fact with more people faster than you could have ever done in your life. Is it true that sometimes uninterrupted eye-to-eye contact is wonderful? Absolutely. Is it a cliché, out-of-touch thing to say, “They’re all looking at their phones?” Absolutely out of touch.

Rather than instinctively saying, “In my day everything was perfect and now it stinks,” listen. Just listen to the world. Even if you disagree with it, listen to it, because perhaps in your experience of the world around you and your differences of opinions with it, you may find grist for the creative mill. Defensiveness isn’t going to get you anywhere.

John: Yeah. Being defensive is never a good look. When you say no to something, people stop engaging with you. I would say over this last 20 years, one of the most helpful ways I’ve been able to stay caught up with how things are for screenwriters and just for general people making creative things, I’ve always had an assistant. My assistants have always been younger than me. They’ve always been at the start of their careers and doing stuff that people at the start of their careers do. It’s been fascinating to see how the starts of careers have changed over the last 20 years because just the industry has changed around them.

Also, just engaging with the people who originally were writing into the website who are now Scriptnotes listeners. You see what they’re doing and what the challenges they’re facing, but also what is exciting to them. I may not be excited about the same things, but what they’re into is valid. Listening to what it is that they are going after is great. I always try to remember that the people I’m interacting with are the people who are going to be running this town in 10, 20, 30 years. It’s worth hearing what’s sparking for them because those are the kinds of movies and TV shows that we will be making the next couple decades.

Craig: Inherently, you are not jealous of the young, nor am I. I think a lot of older people get quietly, subconsciously jealous of young people. My feeling is that when we judge them, remember what it was like when we were judged by older people, because in my memory my feelings were not hurt at all. I just kind of rolled my eyes and made fun of them, because soon they were going to be dead and I was not. They were old and out of it and not vital. My feeling is, judging people who are younger and thinking that all they do, they’re obsessed with their influencers and their TikTok and blah blah blah, you’re not having any impact on them. They’re laughing at you. Maybe just listen to them and observe them. What’s wrong with that?

John: You can also ask advice, which I think a lot of times older people have a hard time asking advice of younger people because it reveals something that they don’t know. The fact is you just don’t know some things, so again, be curious. Ask the questions. Don’t ask the questions in a way that feels judgmental like, “Why are you doing it this crazy, stupid way?” What is it that’s interesting to you about this thing, or why did you decide to make that choice? Again, when you get to move into new fields, that’s very natural because you just actually just don’t know. You’re in a much better position to ask naïve questions because you don’t know what that thing is, versus us as screenwriters we have a good sense of how all the stuff fits together.

That said, when I talked with a writer, Liz Hannah, who just did a movie for Netflix, I am genuinely curious about what the experience is like making a movie for Netflix. What are the deliverables like on that movie? Are they expecting the same things that we’d expect in a theatrical feature delivery system where they want… Are they cutting negative? Are they doing all the stuff that we used to do for normal, traditional features, or is it more like a TV delivery system? Ask those questions and realize that the different kinds of things people are making these days are more likely the future than what we knew.

Craig: The things around us that happen that we can lose touch with in a dangerous way are not just I guess the different experiences that younger people are having, but also the general viewpoint of the world. Attitudes change. It’s very hard for us to keep up with it. It really is. I understand that.

I remember a friend once told me, he was like, “I’m going to keep listening to whatever the pop music station is, the current hits station, because I never want to be one of the old people that doesn’t know current music.” Inevitably, you will be. It’s not possible. There are some things that are going to leave you behind.

General attitudes and vibes and feelings are things you need to be in touch with, because what was once funny may not be anymore. Things like funny and dramatic and scary and shocking are not absolute values. They are relative to the time in which you live. If you’re not paying attention to the kinds of things that are shocking people or making them laugh, you’re going to flop, because you’re out of touch and out of time.

John: Let’s talk about authenticity, because one of the things I see which can be kind of embarrassing is when an older person is trying to seem younger than they are and is not acknowledging the fact that they are in a different generation than people they’re talking to.

Craig: Hello, fellow kids.

John: Language is one where they’re trying to use slang and they’re using it improperly. That’s sort of a tell. It’s not just that it’s embarrassing that they’re using it wrong. It’s that it’s clear that they’re not being authentic to who they are. I think one of the reasons why young people spark so clearly to Bernie Sanders is he feels very much himself. That is true of any generation. When we were in our 20s, we didn’t want the old person who was trying to be like us. We wanted the old person who felt like themselves. Don’t reach too far in terms of your own voice trying to sound young.

In terms of your writing voice, though, you are going to be writing characters of all different ages, all different backgrounds. You have to be listening for how those things sound so that your character’s voices don’t drift away.

Our example in last week’s episode, where we were listening to how people speak, that’s I think even more important as you age into your career, because your assumptions, your memory of what 20-somethings sounded like is not going to match how 20-somethings sound right now.

Craig: Yeah. Then we come to our last point, which is just language, just the realities of language, because you’re right. There is something terribly inauthentic about someone that is chasing language. They will always be five steps behind anyway. They will always be your dad walking in saying, “Oh, chill out. Oh wow, this is fresh.” Shut up, dad. That’s so old and lame. It’s faster now. Whatever is cool five seconds will not be cool five seconds from now, because that’s what youth is. It’s a churn.

Don’t chase it, but do let yourself be carried along by it. Be aware of it. Let yourself be old authentically without either chasing something, which is inauthentic, or denying the reality of it, which is just as terrible. Just be aware of the way that the world is changing and be aware of the way you’re changing. If you are those things and you are willing and open to evolving, then it doesn’t really matter how old you get. You’ll just be cool. Dr. Ruth Westheimer is 4,000 years old.

John: Good lord, yes.

Craig: She’s cool.

John: Yeah, she’s a lich, but she’s really cool.

Craig: She is a lich.

John: There’s a [unclear 01:17:21] hidden away someplace.

Craig: Yeah, she’s a lawful good lich. Very rare. Very rare.

John: Special when you find them.

Craig: She’s a lich.

John: Scriptnotes is produced by Megana Rao, with segments produced by Stuart Friedel, Godwin Jabangwe, and Megan McDonnell. It’s edited by Matthew Chilelli. Our outro this week is by Chris John Mince [ph]. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send longer questions. For short questions, on Twitter, Craig is @clmazin and I’m @johnaugust. You can find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s also where you’ll find transcripts and sign up for our weeklyish newsletter called Interesting, which has lots of links to things about writing. We have T-shirts and hoodies. You should get them. You can find them at Cotton Bureau. You can sign up to become a Premium member at scriptnotes.net, where you get all the back-episodes and Bonus Segments, like the one we’re about to record with Jake, who wrote in with the suggestion for this episode. Thanks, and we’ll see you next week.

[Bonus Segment]

John: All right, I’m here with Jake Kelley, who is the listener who wrote in with the suggestion for this episode. Jake, welcome to Scriptnotes.

Jake Kelley: Hello. Thank you for having me.

John: Tell me about the inspiration for this episode. What got you thinking about, “Oh, I should put together a compendium episode.”

Jake: It started because I think as listeners what we appreciate about you and Craig is your expertise on the craft of screenwriting. If you listen to enough episodes, it becomes evident that you’re both very wise and experienced guys in other manners. I wanted to put this episode together to showcase some of that wisdom that’s not necessarily craft-specific, but that can still help screenwriters.

John: Stuff that’s not about the words on the page, but the actual experience of being a screenwriter. Are you a screenwriter? Do you write yourself?

Jake: I do write. I am not a professional screenwriter.

John: I see by the little bit of Googling that you’re actually a visual artist. That’s your background?

Jake: That is correct.

John: How do you find the relationship between the creative process, writing, trying to write a script, versus the work you’re doing, painting or doing other visual arts?

Jake: I find the process to be pretty similar. I would say the biggest difference, and it’s a very surface-level difference, but I can only write for about two or three hours a day max, and usually not even that, whereas if I’m doing visual art, it’s pretty easy for me to do five, six, or seven hours straight.

John: They’re similar disciplines, but different in the way that doing physical art, you’re physically doing stuff, you’re in a space, you’re moving around, versus writing, you’re at a desk and you’re making a thousand decisions about this word or that word, this moment or that moment. Even Craig and I, we’re writing two or three hours maximum a day also. It’s not realistic to assume that you’re going to be able to crank out that number of hours.

Jake: There still is a lot of those decisions in creative art. Every time I mix a color, it’s like, is this the right color or the wrong color? Every line, I’m questioning it. It really is a process of thousands of micro decisions you’re making through the course of that working session.

John: Craig, of course, if he were on this podcast, he would say [unclear 01:20:48] drop out of film school. Did you go to art school? Did you learn how to do this in an academic setting?

Jake: Yes. I did go to the University of Wisconsin, where I studied fine art.

John: What are those classes like? I know a writing class, because I went through a journalism program. Those metrics were like, are you able to do the job or not do the job, versus it would seem to be harder to figure out, is this student in my visual arts class actually progressing? Are they doing the work that deserves an A or a B or a pass or a fail?

Jake: I think that was the trouble for some of my educators, some of them being grad students. I would say overall it is measured by progress. These classes were open to non-artists a lot of times. We did try to foster a healthy atmosphere if somebody wanted to come in from a science field and just try to do a life drawing. It was based on progress and effort and attempt. You’d just blow it off, but that was the starting place.

John: Now, coming from a visual background, were you always also writing? Did you write even back in those days or was it a later thing that you got into?

Jake: We can say I was doing some writing, but where they really came together was I was doing comics and comic strips, which is really both writing and drawing at the same time.

John: Talk to me about the comic strips, because that’s absolutely true that you were both having to figure out what the stories, what the words are, what the actual point is, yet you have to have a strong visual representation of how that works. As you were doing comics, were you scripting them out first and then figuring out the panels? What was your process?

Jake: For that, if it was a simple four-panel comic, generally I would just have a vague idea of one I wanted to do. I would fill in the visual information, and then do the text last. Other people did it the other way. If it’s longer form, then I would probably start with some sort of words on a page to help guide me, break up the storytelling information that way.

John: I’m writing a graphic novel right now. I’m loving it. It’s a great process, but I’m finding it is actually exhausting to really have to visualize the page and think, okay, how is this going to be presented on the page, what’s actually happening panel by panel to get me through it, what is the top-of-page to bottom-of-page experience? I love it, but it’s just, even after 20 years doing this as a job, it is still different than the normal screenwriting I’m doing.

Jake: When you’re screenwriting and you’re using only words, what is the engagement of the visual process there for you?

John: Screenwriting with just words, I am envisioning the space, envisioning who the people are and where they are in the space and basically what they’re doing. I just create the loop of this is the moment, this is the scene, this is happening. I don’t think shot by shot. I don’t think what the coverage is going to be. I don’t think necessarily who’s big in frame, who’s small in frame, usually. I just have to put the people there and get them in motion, as opposed to doing this writing now for this graphic novel, I really have to think about who’s in that frame and who am I focused on in that moment. It feels a lot more like the directing from the page has always been okay, but it feels like calling out those closeups, calling out what it is moment by moment I’m going to be seeing. That is a little exhausting for me.

Jake: Of course.

John: I want to talk to you about, you pulled for this episode way back to Episode 6. When did you start listening to this show? When did you find all these little moments? Were you always listening from the beginning or did you go back through the archives? How did you find all these moments?

Jake: I believe I discovered your podcast, I want to say around Episode 390 or so. I’m not actually sure what date that lines up with, maybe three years ago or so. At first I was just listening to the new episode every week it came out. Then I did start to become more interested in the past episodes, because there is a wealth of information there. What I did was I would go reverse chronological by… You break it up into 50-episode chunks. I would go backwards a chunk, but then within that chunk, go forward. I’d jump to Episode 250, then go 251, 252. Then when I reached 300, I would jump backwards to 200 and then 201.

John: I’ve never listened to the back-catalogs. I have a memory of recording them, but I can’t remember who I was at that time or what the show was like.

Jake: Of course.

John: How much has the show changed when you listen back to those early episodes versus what’s happening now on the show?

Jake: I don’t think it actually changed all that much. I know that some people say that the earlier episodes are a little bit rough around the edges. I think that’s only true maybe in terms of microphone quality. Very, very early on, I think you and Craig maybe don’t have quite the same rapport. Honestly, it’s not that noticeable. It really is you could jump to those back-episodes that far back and really truly have the same experience. You guys are as wise and smart as always.

John: Aw. Jake, thank you so much for this. Thank you very much again for writing with this suggestion, because it really was a great pitch for putting together the kind of episodes that we’ve been doing more of as Megana’s come online, to really pick stuff up from this big catalog and make episodes that make sense. We some rerun old episodes, and that can be great, but so much of that information gets weirdly out of date, and our wonderful things don’t match up to anything. A suggestion like this for a special compendium episode is great. Jake, thank you so much again for this.

Jake: Of course. Thanks for having me.

John: Absolutely.

Links:

  • Episode 6: How Kids Become Screenwriters
  • Episode 119: Positive Moviegoing
  • Episode 425: Tough Love vs. Self Care
  • Episode 439: How to Grow Old as a Writer
  • Sign up for Scriptnotes Premium to listen to all the episodes in our back catalogue, including the ones sampled here.
  • Thanks to Jake Kelley for the episode suggestion!
  • Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!
  • Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription or treat yourself to a premium subscription!
  • Aline Brosh McKenna on Twitter
  • Craig Mazin on Twitter
  • John August on Twitter
  • John on Instagram
  • Outro by Christiaan Mentz (send us yours!)
  • Scriptnotes is produced by Megana Rao (with segments by Stuart Friedel, Godwin Jabangwe, and Megan Mcdonnell!) and edited by Matthew Chilelli.

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode here.

Scriptnotes, Episode 587: Toldja! The Nikki Finke Movie, Transcript

March 16, 2023 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2023/toldja-the-nikki-finke-movie).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** This is Episode 587 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Often on this program, we’re answering questions, but today we’re going to be asking perhaps the most fundamental question of them all. How Would This Be a Movie? That’s right, we’ll be looking at stories in the news and trying to fit them into a three-act structure, or more likely, an eight-part limited series structure. We’ve got doppelgangers, Craig, family drama, romance, and more.

**Craig:** My goodness.

**John:** Craig, you sounded sad in your hello. Do you want to explain to listeners why you’re sad?

**Craig:** Yeah. I’m in a new office, and everything’s wrong. Nothing’s in the right place. All my wires are messed up. My seat feels weird. The room is weird. My monitor’s funny, and it’s not in the right spot. I don’t do well with change. I really do not do well with change. I struggle.

**John:** Therefore you’ve chosen an industry in which day by day, week by week, you’re going to be doing new things. Maybe fundamentally, 50 years ago, you made some choices that brought you here. The first thing is acknowledging that you’re uncomfortable and then being able to move past that, learning to live with some of the discomfort, and rather than raging against the dying of the light, just accept that this is where you’re at.

**Craig:** I want to throw a tantrum.

**John:** Tantrums are great.

**Craig:** I don’t throw tantrums like angry tantrums. In Hollywood when you hear about people throwing tantrums, you immediately think of Scott Rudin stapling his assistant’s forehead to a desk or something.

**John:** Throwing a phone.

**Craig:** Or throwing a phone at someone’s mouth. All I want to do is just cry. I just want to get on the floor and cry.

**John:** Craig’s over-tired.

**Craig:** I kind of am. Honestly, it’s been a lot. We do this podcast. Then I also do a podcast for the show. Then I’m on other people’s podcasts. I feel like every day I’m podcasting.

**John:** That’s what the 2020s are is podcasting.

**Craig:** You know what? That’s all right, because this is the OG podcast.

**John:** Indeed it is.

**Craig:** You guys are my happy place.

**Megana Rao:** Aw.

**John:** Aw.

**Craig:** Thank you, Megana. See, John had no emotional response to that whatsoever, and you were immediately like, “Aw.” That’s why we love Megana.

**Megana:** Aw.

**John:** [inaudible 00:02:27]. We’ll talk through all these things on our podcast, but also, in our Bonus Segment for Premium Members, I want to discuss the frustrations surrounding and solutions for overpowered characters, both the characters we write but also obviously the DND characters that we’re playing, because I now have a 15th level warlock who has an 8th level spell. It’s so powerful, and yet limited in a certain way. With that power doesn’t come just great responsibility, comes really great challenges. We’ll talk about overpowered characters.

**Craig:** Which Level 8 spell have you chosen?

**John:** I chose Feeblemind. I’m questioning my decision.

**Craig:** That’s a great one.

**John:** It’s a great one. It’s a great one for a DM to pick against players, but I’m not sure it’s such a good spell for a player to pick against a DM.

**Craig:** That’s an interesting-

**John:** I’m dependent on you.

**Craig:** You are. We have only seen Feeblemind in action once, and it was you guys that got Feebleminded, weirdly enough.

**John:** It is brutal.

**Craig:** One of you did. When it works, oof. That’s all I have to say about that. Oof.

**John:** Let’s do some follow-up. Back in Episode 579, we had Rian Johnson facing off against ChatGPT. Megana, Bobby wrote in with a question.

**Megana:** Bobby wrote, “At this current moment, can a studio use a bot like ChatGPT to create stories, a basic outline, and then hire a WGA writer to write the teleplay? That is, instead of hiring writers to pitch on a story, they do that internally, they figure out the story they want to tell, and then they hire a writer to write it. They’re not paying a human being for the story by credit, the outline phase, or the pitch. Not like they were paying for pitches anyway. Am I right, folks?”

**Craig:** First of all, you don’t want them paying for pitches.

**John:** You really don’t.

**Craig:** I’m just going to keep saying this over and over. They don’t pay for things the way that we think that they pay for things. What they’re doing is buying things. Never say pay for pitches. Always say buy pitches. If they buy your pitch, they own it. They don’t do anything if they don’t own it. Please, for the love of god, no paying for pitches.

**John:** That actually speaks to one of the issues surrounding this. They don’t want to pay for things that they don’t own. They want to own things. It’s really unclear at this point whether something they generated through ChatGPT, a work of literary material they’ve created through ChatGPT, whether that’s even copyrightable. That’s still unsettled law at this point. That’s going to be one of the first things.

Backing up a little bit, I would say, Bobby, you have to keep in mind that a studio executive producer, anybody could say, “Hey, I want to do a movie about a guy who loves paperclips.” They could write up a thing and then give you the thing. If they’re writing up something that’s big enough, long enough themselves, they are a writer. They are creating literary material, in theory. The ChatGPT is a new wrinkle in this, but studio executives always could make up some stuff themselves if they wanted to.

**Craig:** I think that there’s probably some copyright law that’s going to need to be written. Many people don’t know this, that it’s enshrined in our Constitution itself. The founders, I think it’s fair to say, did not foresee artificial intelligence or guns that could shoot rapidly, side note. I think we’re going to need to write some law to make it clear that copyright is something that is afforded to humans and not AI.

Here’s what I think. I think that if a studio does this, then a lot of writers may be less inclined to actually come in and work on it. Even if they were, they would still have to rewrite the story no matter what. A story would have to be assigned to them. No, I don’t think this would work this way.

**John:** A thing to also keep in mind is that the MBA, the basic agreement that the WGA has for all writing work being done for the studios, already does have language in there that says a writer is a person, that the writer shall not be deemed to be any corporate or impersonal purveyor of literary material or the rights therein. There’s a lot of stuff in it that already says we’re talking about human beings there.

Is there space for clarification about how and when these tools can be used? Absolutely. I think it’s an open question about how we best do that. I don’t think at this moment as we’re recording this in 2023 it’s an imminent crisis. I do know that there are some projects out there where there’s folks who are saying, “We’re having a computer write this script. It’s going to be written by a computer.” Okay, but I don’t think that is the crisis next coming down the pike.

**Craig:** Agreed.

**John:** Another bit of follow-up, Yusef was writing about other people’s voices, Megana.

**Megana:** Yusef writes, “This is mainly for Craig. I recently got Apple Plus, and I’ve been catching up with Mythic Quest. I noticed you wrote a couple episodes for the series.”

**Craig:** One episode.

**Megana:** “In Scriptnotes podcast 585, you said you can’t imagine writing in other people’s voices.”

**Craig:** Correct.

**Megana:** Since Mythic Quest isn’t a show that you’re running, in typical TV fashion, the writers would write in the showrunner’s voice or the showrunner would rewrite the episode themselves. I’m curious if Ganz, Day, and McElhenney allowed you to do all the writing yourself, or did they still give you an outline and you wrote it in your own voice? Did they ever rewrite your episodes themselves?”

**Craig:** Okay, episode. Just want to be really clear. One, Yusef. I wrote the episode called Backstory! I have been in some episodes as an actor, but I’ve only written one episode of Mythic Quest. It was the episode called Backstory. It was in Season 2. Mythic Quest each season does a standalone episode. That was that season’s standalone episode.

I still continued to not write in the showrunner’s voice, because Backstory! did not take place in the same timeline as Mythic Quest. It took place decades earlier, in the ‘70s. There was one character in it that was from the main cast of Mythic Quest. We are portraying that character at a much younger age. It was consistent with that character’s voice but in a much different way. It’s a difference between a man who’s 80 and a man who’s 25.

The way that worked is I was in a room. I’ve never done this before. There are a lot of writers at Mythic Quest. You can break off into a little smaller group of writers. I’m going to apologize if I forget anybody who was on Team Idiot. That’s what we called ourselves. Team Idiot was myself, Katie McElhenney, Ashly Burch, Humphrey Ker. I think that may have been it. I apologize again if I’m missing anyone.

We just talked through how the story could function. We had the basic idea of it. We talked through what it could be. We outlined it on the wipey board. Then we brought in everybody, Rob and Megan and David and everyone, and we just pitched it out, told the story. They were all happy. They made some suggestions. We incorporated some of those suggestions into the story on the board.

Then I went away and wrote it by myself, because that’s how I write, like a weirdo alone in a small, dark room with the windows closed. I wrote a draft, and I sent it in, and they shot it. That was it. That’s how that worked. It wasn’t the normal way of doing things, I must admit.

For instance, I think Katie McElhenney, who did Dark Quiet Death in Season 1, which was that standalone episode, and stand-above, I’m pretty sure she did that Mazin style, in a dark room by herself, with the windows closed.

**John:** Circling back to Yusef’s assumptions is that if you were writing a traditional episode that had a bunch of the standing characters, you were on the normal sets, it was a normal episode, the expectation might be that you would need to match a little bit more of the style of how the scripts are normally working, just because stuff could be changing around, and everywhere else is doing the same. If you, Craig, had a really strange style on the page, it would be weird for everyone to have to grapple with a script that felt so different. That was not the case here.

**Craig:** This one was designed to be different. I don’t think I would ever dare to write a standard episode of Mythic Quest, because I think I would blow it, for this very reason. I think I can do one that’s carved out and has its own thing, with an ending, by the way, a real, solid kachunk ending.

I am amazed by the things that those guys can do in that style and also their ability to work with each other so well. It’s pretty great. A ton of credit to the showrunners there and everybody, honestly. They do a great job.

**John:** Last bit of follow-up, I just want to point out that on our podcast, we’ve had four of the Celebrity Jeopardy contestants on. We’ve talked to Ike Barinholtz and Joel Kim Booster at our live show. We knew they were both on it. Also, B.J. Novak and Matt Rogers.

**Craig:** Wow.

**John:** Out of 20-some people, 4 of them are Scriptnotes guests.

**Craig:** Maybe the rest of them should show the hell up.

**John:** I think so.

**Craig:** How have we not had Patton Oswalt on this show?

**John:** That I think is the greatest oversight of all.

**Craig:** Can I just say… Maybe this will help get Patton Oswalt on the show. Maybe he’s reluctant. Maybe he doesn’t like coming on podcasts. I don’t know. I will say this. He’s my favorite stand-up comedian. I think I’ve listened to everything he’s done, all of it. I think he’s brilliant, absolutely brilliant, just special. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t come on the show. Maybe he knows that and he doesn’t want to listen to me talk about it.

**John:** I think it would also be fascinating if the folks who were putting together the next round of Celebrity Jeopardy, if they are just going through our Scriptnotes guest list and figuring out-

**Craig:** Probably.

**John:** … “Who are we going to get on the show? They clearly will do very well and be incredibly popular on our program.”

**Craig:** I bet you that’s true.

**John:** The Venn diagram overlap is so exciting.

**Craig:** Venn.

**John:** How excited is Venn that, whoever Venn was or is, that their name is just always going to be there?

**Craig:** I think Venn is dead. I gotta be honest with you. There’s no way Venn’s alive. Megana, can you do a quick Google search for us to see if Senor Venn is still alive?

**Megana:** “Popularized by John Venn in the 1880s.”

**Craig:** There we go. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say we’ve heard enough.

**John:** I think Venn and Overton of Overtown window, they’re just up there in Heaven looking down at what they’ve created. It’s pretty great.

**Craig:** Yes, indeed.

**John:** Let’s get on to the question of the day. How Would This Be a Movie? We got a couple really good ones here from our listeners. I added one late to the podcast here, Craig, and I apologize. Just moments before you signed on, I added this here.

I want to talk you through this first one. It’s pretty straightforward. It’s simple but juicy and compelling. This is from NBC News, Andy Eckardt and Aina Khan writing this up. It happens in Germany. This 23-year-old woman, with the help of a friend, killed a stranger to stage her death and, quote, “start a new life due to family problems,” police and prosecutors in Germany said.

Basically, what happened in this story is you have this 23-year-old woman who starts setting up dummy accounts on Instagram, looking for another one who looks a lot like her, with the plan that she and her friend are going to track down this person, lure them under false pretenses, kill them, and make it seem that she’s the one who’s died, basically faking her own death by killing a stranger.

**Craig:** What a bummer. All you ever did was nothing. You just happened to look like an asshole. That asshole finds you and kills you. Oh, man.

**John:** Man. A couple of ranges of thoughts here. First off, I could picture the A-level movie version of this, like sort of Gone Girl, that kind of thing, where it’s actually more from the perspective of these people trying to commit this murder. It’s almost like Hitchcock’s Rope, where you’re there with the killers and you’re trying to do this thing or cover up this thing. That’s a total possibility for the A-list version of it. Also, this feels like this could be the A-plot of any given CBS procedural. It’s shocking, but it’s a way to do it, or a Law and Order.

**Craig:** In the old days there would be a movie, I think. These movies don’t get made as much anymore. There was a time where we were getting some really good neo noir films, Body Heat. I think you could make an interesting neo noir out of this. I’d love to see what Scott Frank would do with this. Do you want to know what my twist twist is?

**John:** Tell me, tell me.

**Craig:** Imagine this story. You’ve got a woman, and she’s murdered, and you’re trying to figure out why. Then you realize, oh, wait, the woman that we thought was murdered isn’t even the woman. It’s somebody else who looks like the woman, who’s gone missing. Somehow, if there could be triplets or twins… If there’s twins and they both are like, “One of you needs to die or seem to die. Let’s find somebody that looks like the two of us.” I don’t know, there’s gotta be some sort of twin thing that we could do.

**John:** Another thing that we’re discussing goes back to the actual, real people in Germany. Interestingly, the story that we are basing this off of, the names are all suppressed, because Germany has these very strict privacy laws. We don’t even know the names of the people who are involved here, which is just wild. For our purposes, I don’t think we’d need to know the names. I think we’re just taking this as a premise and applying it to something completely different.

**Craig:** I think so.

**John:** We’re saying this could be a movie. It can really scale. It can go all the way from A-plot of a given episode of a procedural to an actual, full movie.

**Craig:** I think it’s more likely that just by you bringing this onto the show, we will be seeing this on a procedural within a year.

**John:** I agree, because the ChatGPTs will have looked through the transcripts, found it, and therefore [inaudible 00:16:22]. That’s a possibility.

**Craig:** The ChatGPTs. I like that there’s an army of them now. I like it.

**John:** There’s a whole army.

**Craig:** I love it.

**John:** Let’s get to our next story. The headline for this is The Godfather, Saudi-Style. It’s Anuj Chopra writing for The Guardian. Craig, you did have a chance to read through this. This is a long one. I’m sorry for the long read there. I thought it was really compelling. Do you want to talk us through what you remember of it/

**Craig:** Sure. This is the story of Mohammed bin Salman, who we tend to refer to as MBS, came to power. I did not know any of this.

**John:** Nor did I.

**Craig:** He was not supposed to be the guy. There’s this interesting thing going on in Saudi Arabia that I was also not aware of, where the same family, which I guess they’re the Sauds, the House of Saud, has been running Saudi Arabia as a monarchy for quite some time. The way they’ve done it is by alternating I think between cousins or uncles.

**John:** It says in the family, but never direct, same family line. It always goes laterally, which honestly, I have to say, feels really smart.

**Craig:** The point of it was to avoid what just happened. The point is, no one little family line is the only one. This way, the family as a large entity doesn’t fall prey to what a lot of palace intrigue ends up with. It’s just families breaking apart and then one person just dominating the others. Yet that is what’s happened here.

**John:** Yeah, it is. There was a plan in place for who would be the next in line. You can think of this as Succession to some degree. It’s who is the next person who’s supposed to be there, who’s Nayef, who’s the king’s nephew.

**Craig:** Nayef, the king’s nephew.

**John:** Basically, he gets tipped off that there’s potential problems. It’s clear that he’s going to be… Basically, him and his guards get pulled out [inaudible 00:18:22] sign these documents saying that they are not seeing a succession and that MBS should be the next real person that should be doing this. It’s a palace coup. It’s not violent. This isn’t guns and such. Basically, by locking somebody down and not letting them leave the country, you’re forcing them to sign over their succession.

**Craig:** It was as close to violent as you can get without being violent. In fact, it did turn violent. Initially, it was just we’re going to lock you in a room and tell you that you’re going to resign and you’re going to pledge allegiance to MBS. If you do not, as the article states, your female family members will be raped. That’s an interesting way to just immediately go to 100 as part of your patriarchal monarchy. Just fascinating.

It also mentions in the article, I’m sorry to laugh, but I find this darkly amusing that they said, “First, your female family members will be raped. Second, we are going to withhold your medication for hypertension.” I think I’m stuck on number one. I gotta be honest with you. I gotta be honest. Number one is worse than me not having my hypertension meds, but fine.

I think at some point he was in fact re-detained, so he was, “Okay, you can just live here for a while.” Then at some point, as is often the case with these situations, the paranoid dictator does what paranoid dictators do and decide, “You know what? Actually, I think you are still a huge problem. I think what I’m going to do is lock you in a room and beat you.” There’s an implication that that also occurred.

While this is all going on, we also note that they had killed Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist. These guys are terrible. The extent that our country continues to do business with them, it’s just startling. Just startling.

**John:** The other main character involved here is a man named Saad Al Jabri, who is Nayef’s advisor and intelligence chief. He’s the man who was trying to give advice to him and help sort through the situation. He was out of the country as this all happened and was able to get most of his family out, except for two family members who were still there. Those two family members were not allowed to leave. MBS is basically saying, “No, no, come back, come back, and everything will be fine.” When Al Jabri doesn’t come back, MBS starts to trump up charges about corruption and other things, and so Al Jabri has to flee first to Canada and then to other places and ultimately is now in the process of filing a lawsuit against MBS.

**Craig:** Now that a lawsuit has been filed, I’m sure everything will be fine.

**John:** It’s a question of at what point do you speak up, because in keeping your silence, you might be trying to keep your imprisoned family members alive, but at a certain point, you have to speak up.

**Craig:** From the point of view of what we are doing, there are a lot of elements here that would suggest that this could be a movie. There are main characters. Al Jabri is a potentially great protagonist, because he’s very smart. He’s very capable. We love watching movies where protagonists are smart and capable and are attempting to out-maneuver very powerful people with entire states behind them. Al Jabri has done it. He could smell that trouble was coming and just went, “I think I’m going to go to Turkey real fast.” I think days later, it was clear that he had made a very smart decision. The challenge in bringing this story to film is that I don’t know if it’s over yet.

**John:** It’s not.

**Craig:** That’s the biggest issue for me.

**John:** You’re right in the middle of it. I feel like with some time, with some closure, you can really tell the whole story, but right now it just feels like a dot dot dot. There’s not a way out of this. I think there’s useful things you could take from this in terms of the dynamics and apply them to another story, but I don’t think you can directly take what’s happening in the House of Saud right now as the meat of either a movie or an eight-part limited series. There’s exciting moments that are happening, but it doesn’t feel like there’s a resolution here.

**Craig:** I do think this is also tricky territory given that access to information is difficult here. Also, to be fair to writers, the Saudis apparently have no problem committing violence against innocent people who do nothing other than report the truth. You have to be aware if you’re going to be digging deep into the situation that you’re going to be drawing some unwanted attention.

**John:** Scrutiny that’s not only applied to you but applied to the production, applied to anybody who’s involved with the production. That makes it much less likely that you’re going to see something, this exact story being told. That’s just the reality.

**Craig:** Until there is a resolution, yeah, I agree with you.

**John:** Let’s talk about Nikki Finke.

**Craig:** I swore I never would, but okay.

**John:** You never would, but here we are.

**Craig:** Here we are.

**John:** This is actual context for it.

**Craig:** It’s a great, great piece that was written here.

**John:** It really is a great piece. This is Jacob Bernstein writing for the New York Times. For folks who are outside the industry and don’t know who Nikki Finke was, Nikki Finke created Deadline Hollywood, Hollywood Daily if you want to call it that. It was a website, a blog that rivaled Variety and Hollywood Reporter, ended up supplanting them and becoming more important in the daily workings of the town. It was always about breaking the news in a very bombastic way, a lot of opinion mixed with facts, a lot of bullying on behalf of Nikki Finke, who was this larger-than-life character. She was feared and loathed, but also sometimes admired.

What I like about this piece is that I think it was fair in the sense of talking about she was not a good journalist in any sort of good journalist sense, but she was just a smasher and destroyer of things in sometimes ways that needed to happen.

**Craig:** I don’t know if she was good enough to quality as a double-edged sword. She certainly broke stuff around her. It reminds me of, you’ve seen Glass Onion, the wonderful speech that Rian Johnson wrote about what disrupting is. It’s mostly just breaking shit. She broke a lot of shit.

She was journalistically irresponsible. I don’t think that that’s any kind of slanderous thing to anyone. This is a woman who would report things. They were wrong. People would tell her they were wrong. She would then edit the article to change them but would not indicate that any correction had been made, which is fundamental standard of journalism. She was a bully. She did scream at people. She was mean. She would threaten.

The only thing that was really fascinating about me to Nikki Finke was that she was not doing it for the reason everybody else does stuff for in Hollywood, which is money. She didn’t seem particularly concerned about money. She lived alone in an apartment. She was angry. You could just tell that she was really angry at Hollywood. She liked to put on the mantle on angry companies on behalf of the working people. I don’t think that’s true either, because she was super buddy-buddy with a lot of these people that ran Hollywood. I think she just liked breaking stuff. I really do.

**John:** I think you’re right. I think you could say inadvertently she had maybe shined a spotlight on some real problems in entertainment journalism in the sense that because of advertising and other things, they are so uniquely linked and tied. They’re never objectively reporting about the things that are happening in the town. Because she wasn’t beholden to those things, she could report on things that no one else would report on and say things other people weren’t saying in print, but they weren’t always accurate or truthful. That’s why she developed this terrifying reputation.

What was interesting about this stuff that was brand new that I’d never seen before was really her relationship with Jay Penske, who was the very rich person who bought out Deadline and Hollywood Daily and ultimately I think Variety as well, plus a lot of other magazines and journalism places. Her relationship with him was really fascinating, the ups and the downs and how she hated him and yet how he was the one who actually showed up in her last days in Florida.

**Craig:** You get the feeling that Nikki, for people who knew her, because we sure didn’t. I only had one brief exchange with Nikki Finke, and it was terrible. I think that was true for a lot of people. For the people who knew her, you can get this thread of care-taking, that they were worried about her a lot. The article talks about what appears to be, if not a suicide attempt, a legitimate threat to do self-harm. She was sick. She was physically sick. She had diabetes. This sums it up. I’ll read from the article.

“One year, Miss Finke lamented to Mr. Penske that she wasn’t looking forward to Thanksgiving. She didn’t cook and planned to spend the holiday alone in her apartment on a day when restaurants were closed.” That’s rather sad. “Mr. Penske stopped in at the Beverly Hills Hotel, ordered a three-course meal, and took it to her building,” himself, by the way. He’s a billionaire. “Soon after leaving it with the doorman, he heard from her by phone. The meal included a sweet dessert, which enraged the diabetic Miss Finke.” Quote, “’She said I was trying to kill her,’ Mr. Penske recalled.”

Now we can laugh about this, but I have to say, so much of what I read in this article implies that Nikki Finke was struggling with mental illness. Her mood swings, which apparently were quite extreme, her, what would you call it, shut-in-ness?

**John:** Reclusivity or agoraphobia.

**Craig:** Yeah, her life as a recluse. Also, you could tell from her work there was something compulsive about it. She would be there, sometimes reporting things within seconds of them happening. Then a lot of times, if her reporting was late or somebody else got the scoop, she would make these bizarre excuses, which I guess goes way back to when she was working for other people. She would just constantly be calling in with strange and bizarre excuses for why she was late. That’s why she got fired from everywhere. She just would not make her deadlines, amusingly enough, for a woman that created a site called Deadline.

It seems like there was a lot of mental illness going on here. To the extent that she was suffering, I feel bad for her. To the extent that her suffering led her to inflict that pain on other people, I am not sorry for her. She was a fascinating person. I think you could make a very interesting story about her. It would need to be rather small, because I think this is about as inside baseball as it gets.

**John:** I was looking for comps and thinking about what kind of movie this is. Can You Ever Forgive Me might be one, in that you have a character who is abrasive and really off-putting, and yet ultimately because the lens is on her, you can actually understand why she feels she needs to do the things she needs to do is an option.

**Craig:** It is, but that story I think is better because it’s not about Hollywood.

**John:** Agreed.

**Craig:** That’s the part about this that… Remember The Late Shift, the movie, the Betty Thomas film about the late-night wars?

**John:** The late-night wars.

**Craig:** That was well done, but it’s a confection, because ultimately, the stakes are as low as they can be. Who will get to host The Tonight Show? It’s not that important. It was well done. I think you could do something like that. It would need to be in its own way funny. I don’t think you can do a super heavy version of this. I just think it would be too much.

**John:** I do remember that too. I think it’s also a question of where you start and where you stop. Do you start the story when she’s dismissed by the trades or basically unable to get the job that she wants and creates this site for herself, which is inspiring rise, and then the crash and the sale and all that? Maybe. It’s a question of is that the course of a movie or are you doing that as a limited series. I don’t know that there’s probably enough stuff to make it more than two hours worth of entertainment.

**Craig:** I think that there is the potential for a camp classic. You’re talking about this emotionally wild human being who is a shut-in in her apartment and yelling at people on the phone. This could be Mommy Dearest. If it is, I’m there.

**John:** I think it’s a good point. I think to take this as a jumping off place to get to something bigger and funnier, great. Movies about Hollywood sometimes get awards, but they’re not generally huge hits is the other thing to be thinking about.

**Craig:** They are not generally huge hits. Generally speaking, I don’t like them. There is something inherently narcissistic about movies about movies, which is why I’m still so impressed by The Fabelmans, because I just loved it so much. It was about Hollywood. Generally speaking, I just don’t like movies about Hollywood.

**John:** We have two more here. The first one comes from a listener, Josie. She writes about the nun and the monk who fell in love and married. This tells the story of Sister Mary Elizabeth and Robert, who’s a Carmelite monk. They’re both in their 50s when they meet. What struck me so much as so interesting about this is they barely spoke. It was like he touched her elbow or something, and that was the spark that sat the whole thing up and going.

**Craig:** So hot.

**John:** Craig, you’re saying so hot. Do you think there’s a story here to be told?

**Craig:** No. It’s adorable. I think it’s very sweet. It shows you that love can flourish, even in the strangest ways. It was such a sweet thing to read the way that the two of them were like, “Wait, what did we just do?” and then all the things they have to go through, and then somehow yet on the other end of it, there they are in love with each other and it’s working is beautiful.

I think there’s been another article at some point before about arranged marriages. This isn’t an arranged marriage but it almost is, in the sense that if all you know of each other is that one time, my elbow hit your elbow, you arranged your own marriage. The fact that it lasted… There’s something fascinating about this. I wonder what’s going to happen.

We’ve gone so far down the road. Megana, you knew I was going to turn to you at this point. We’ve gone so far down the road of, everybody just pick who you want and it’s entirely up to you and choose what you want. Everyone’s just drowning in choice to the extent that people really are struggling to make choices.

Here’s my proposal. You do a Tinder, except instead of hookup culture or even just dating, it’s like, we’re going to give you a choice of 20 people. You can meet five of them and you’re going to marry one of them. Now you’re married. Do you think that app catches on in the future?

**Megana:** I think what’s so fascinating about this story is that it was an accident, and she only met him once after, what, 24 years in this convent?

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Megana:** How do we simulate that?

**Craig:** Basically, then what you’re saying is you can use this app, but when you register for it, you are sworn to celibacy for 24 years. At that point, I have to say everyone’s going to start looking real good. Great point. Not sure we have a way to monetize this. Concerned about the business plan. I don’t know. I thought there was something very inherently encouraging about this, but I don’t know how I would make it a movie. Can you figure this out?

**John:** We should say that the article we’re reading about is from Aleem Maqbool for the BBC, and there’s probably other versions of this that may go into more depth on certain things. I wouldn’t be surprised if they write their own book at some point.

Here’s the thing that sparked for me, is that we always think about this love at first sight happening to teenagers, because that’s when this should happen, but the fact that these two characters who should not have been looking for love at all, suddenly it happens, it’s just overwhelming when it happens, is nice and is inspiring.

I wondered if it was a play, and then I decided, no, it couldn’t be a play, because I think I need those close-ups. I need those moments. I need to see those elbows touching that make that happen. I don’t think it’s a play. I think it’s an Emma Thompson and some other British actor in it. Maybe it’s great and it wins a bunch of awards.

**Craig:** Isn’t that Howards End anyway?

**John:** It is Howards End to some degree.

**Craig:** I think when it comes to restrained romances, Age of Innocence comes to mind, with the little touch of the hand, or even in a very sick way, Silence of the Lambs, is the moment where their fingers touch, and it’s like that’s the extent of our weird romance. There is room for that. I just don’t know if this is the story that’s going to get you there.

**John:** I’ll say unlike Silence of the Lambs, I think there’s a gold circle movie to be made here. You know what I’m talking about, which is that classy British but also very cheery, or a working title.

**Craig:** A working title sounds like a better fit.

**John:** You can see how this whole package came together and why Universal is releasing this now. I think there’s something that can be charming about this. Also the fact that everyone else around them should be like, “You’re not supposed to be falling in love.” It’s just like, but why? They know it’s love. That could be inspiring.

**Craig:** Don’t you want to write this scene though? I’m quoting from the woman here, Lisa, who was Sister Mary Elizabeth, when she told her prioress how she was feeling. “The prioress was a little bit snappy with me, so I put my pants and a toothbrush in a bag and I walked out, and I never went back to Sister Mary Elizabeth.” I’m like, wait, okay, toothbrush I get, sure, but then also “my pants?” Socks, shirt, underwear?

**John:** Nope, don’t need none of those, just pants.

**Craig:** Deodorant, scissors, hairbrush? Just toothbrush and pants. I guess when you’re a nun, that’s what you got.

**John:** Got what you got.

**Craig:** You got what you got.

**John:** We also have a history of… Looking back to The Sound of Music, the decision to leave the nunnery is a big, momentous decision. Any movie that we make about this is going to echo back to that, just because that’s one of our favorite references, which is great too.

Our takeaway from the story of the nun and the monk, I think there’s maybe a movie here. This is a case where you might actually want to use their life rights, so you could say it’s based on a true story. You would have to get their official version.

**Craig:** My feeling is, as we often conclude with these stories, that this may be good fodder for side characters in a movie. If you’re doing a romantic comedy and your neighbors are a former nun and former monk who fell in love and married, that might be a very interesting side amusement. I don’t know if I would want to watch a whole story just about the two of them.

**John:** Let’s wrap up on a story that Rosario sent in. This is about 13 stranded strangers who go on a road trip. We’ll link to a version by Francesca Street for CNN. Essentially, it’s a bunch of folks. Their flight landed in Orlando, but they needed to get to Nashville. There was no way for them to get to Nashville because of plans getting canceled. A bunch of them had to get to Nashville by a certain time. They decided let’s just rent a van all together and drive from Orlando to Nashville, Tennessee. Craig, what do you think of this as a premise?

**Craig:** It’s a fine premise. There’s a wonderful musical called Come From Away, which is very similar in its own way. It’s about a plane that was diverted on 9/11. The only place it could land was I think in Newfoundland. It’s about this tiny, tiny little town with all these folks who are there stranded, because the airspace is shut down, and people coming together and meeting each other and all that. Yes. It’s just it’s very small is my concern.

**John:** It’s really small.

**Craig:** It’s just people in a van.

**John:** It’s people in a van. It’s a road trip story. You’ve made some road trip stories. They’re not easy, because you don’t have a place to come back to. It’s not quite clear. You have a destination, I guess, but you just have a physical destination. You don’t have an emotional destination for where you’re trying to get these characters to. The fact they start out strangers can help to a degree, but you’d probably want to build some relationships already within those characters so you can really see what it is that’s happening, so you can see progress and growth. Think Little Miss Sunshine. It’s not about the journey. It’s about the people in the van that are important.

**Craig:** I think part of the problem is there are too many people in the van. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles basically is this. That’s what happens. Their flight is canceled, and there’s only one car to share, and so these two strangers have to share a car and drive. It’s been done. I think if you can concentrate on two people or three, that’s fine too, but 13, eh.

**John:** That’s going to be too many people. I think Breakfast Club rules kick in at a certain point. You would have five. More than that, it’s too much.

**Craig:** Have you ever seen Spike Lee’s Get On the Bus?

**John:** Never have.

**Craig:** It’s fascinating. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a very simple plot. It was back when they did the Million Man March. Spike basically gets more than 13. It was probably 20 guys on this bus. The entire thing is the trip. It’s just the bus ride, with little breaks here and there. While there are a few moments of some small, what I would call plot action, mostly it’s these men talking and arguing and laughing and fighting. It’s really interesting as an experiment, because you are stuck on the bus with so many people.

What holds it together is the fact that it’s about a social issue, clearly. The point is they’re going to the Million Man March, and they are debating their own lives and their own history and their own future. There’s something to discuss. I don’t know what they talk about on this.

**John:** You’re not going to be obsessed with Nashville. Getting to Nashville is important to the individual characters, but it’s not important for the movie.

**Craig:** Exactly. There isn’t anything that connects them other than the fact that they were all supposed to be flying to the same place. It wasn’t like they were joined together by social issues or anything like that. I don’t think this is a movie.

**John:** I don’t think it’s a movie either. Let us talk through now our candidates here and see which ones are going to be movies and which ones are not going to be movies. Doppelganger murder?

**Craig:** Television show episode. Episode of a TV show.

**John:** The Godfather, Saudi-Style?

**Craig:** One day. Not today.

**John:** One day. Not today. Last days of Nikki Finke?

**Craig:** No.

**John:** The nun and the monk who fell in love and married?

**Craig:** Side characters.

**John:** Side characters. Thirteen strangers we think is probably not it. I’m going to say doppelganger murder is probably most likely to be the movie. I think it might be a Sundancey movie that could potentially break out.

**Craig:** That’s our best bet.

**John:** Thank you to everybody who sent in these suggestions. Sometimes they come in to ask@johnaugust.com. A lot of times, people are just tweeting them at me or stuff, and they’re good. We love it when you find those and send them in our direction. I propose we answer one listener question, seems timely, from Embarrassed. Megana, can you help us out?

**Megana:** Embarrassed asks, “What do you do when the movie you wrote gets terrible reviews and you agree with them? I had a movie get made at a big level, and I’m so grateful that it got made, but I don’t love what the director did with the script. I don’t want to seem bitter or burn bridges with anyone or seem ungrateful. How would you recommend handling this in meetings and even just with your own family? How do you talk about a project that didn’t turn out like you dreamed it would?”

**John:** Craig and I, we’ve both been there.

**Craig:** I don’t know what you’re talking about.

**John:** First off, Embarrassed, it’s amazing that you had a movie get made at a big level. That’s fantastic. You’re better for having gone through the experience of it all. I’ve been there. What I will say in meetings is like, “Oh wow, yeah, thank you. It was a real challenge. It wasn’t quite the movie I wanted it to be, but I’m glad it worked. I’m glad it had success.” You can say things like, “It was weird to agree with the critics on it.” I would say you don’t need to volunteer about the bad experiences you had unless you think they’re relevant for the discussion you’re about to have, like why you never want to work for that director again.

**Craig:** There’s really no great advice here, Embarrassed. When it doesn’t come out the way you want, the only thing you can say is, if someone mentions it, you can say, “Ultimately, it was not the movie I wrote. The director took it in a different direction.” That’s I think fair to say. That’s all you need to say. I think everybody will get it.

**John:** There may also be a way to put it in a positive direction, say, “It’s a really interesting situation, because here’s a story that I actually wrote,” and basically talk about what the plan was. Then you don’t have to get into… They saw the movie. They know what the result was. They can see, oh, you’re that kind of writer. You’re the kind of writer who wrote that script that would’ve been a different movie. That can be useful.

**Craig:** There’s another thing, Embarrassed, that I think is worth mentioning. That is that these days, everybody is absorbing and soaking in review culture. When John and I were starting out, there weren’t even that many reviewers. Reviewers worked for newspapers. There are only so many newspapers. There’s four billion outlets right now online that write reviews. Everyone writes reviews. The old joke “everyone’s a critic” is now a fact. Everyone is a critic. There are so many reviews. They all get slurried into the Rotten Tomatoes score or a Metacritic score, and so now there’s metrics attached to reviews. Then on top of that, even people that aren’t writing reviews professionally are writing reviews on Twitter. Everyone’s reviewing everything constantly. It’s just what people do.

You may therefore feel a little worse about this than perhaps you should, because in the old days, you’d get your ass kicked in a bunch of newspapers. You’d feel bad. Very few people are even reading those things. Most people are just like, “Oh cool, you got a movie made. That’s awesome.” That’s it. Nobody would really dig any deeper. It just wouldn’t matter.

Just keep that perspective in mind that you may be feeling this intensely just because you’re swimming in the waters of reviews. It might be worth taking a break and turning some of that stuff off, because here’s what has happened. You got a movie made, and that this the beginning, my friend. Somewhere down the line, something great is going to happen for you. You will be happy. You will feel terrific. People will come up to you and tell you it’s wonderful. You don’t get there until you do the first thing.

The other thing is let time do its job, because 20 years from now, people are going to have a very different opinion of that movie. I don’t care what it is. They just do. That’s how it works.

**John:** I think we can also offer some very specific advice for Embarrassed, because we’re not going to say this on the air, but Megana has a note in the Workflowy about what the actual movie was that came out.

**Craig:** (singing) Megana has a note.

**John:** I’m looking at the title. I know that’s a movie. I know it’s a movie that came out. I have no idea what the critical reception was. I didn’t see it. I don’t know what people are saying about it. I would say that was a big movie. That’s what a lot of people are going to know about that movie. It’s a movie that came out, and that’s awesome. I honestly think that credit is not going to hurt you. Your feeling that it’s not a great movie is not important. It’s not going to weigh on anything.

**Craig:** You’re in the business. You’re writing movies that get made. In features, directors get all the credit. We know that. They also get all the blame. Your job is to write a movie that people agree to make. You didn’t cast it. You didn’t shoot it. You didn’t edit it. You probably weren’t on set. If you were, you were visiting, because that’s how features work, unfortunately. You did your job.

Of course you’re going to want it to turn out better. Of course you’re going to want the director to have done better and all of that. I completely get it. This is a great beginning for you. Don’t apologize for this. You can just say, “That really wasn’t the movie I wrote, but the movie I wrote got everybody to agree to make a movie,” and that’s of value.

**John:** Absolutely. It’s time for our One Cool Things. My One Cool Thing is Nothing Forever on Twitch. Craig and Megana, if you’re not seeing it, Nothing Forever is an animated, pixelly animation of a Seinfeld episode.

**Craig:** I’ve seen it. It’s cool.

**John:** It’s the Larry stand-up bits, which are Jerry Seinfeld’s monologue things. Then you’re in this apartment. These characters are moving around in really awkward ways and sitting on couches and on their heads. It’s all crazy and goofy. It’s all generated basically by AI and algorithms and a bunch of prebuilt assets that are just doing this thing. Basically, it’s constantly creating a new episode of a Seinfeld-like show in real time. It’s really unusual and unnerving to watch. It’s not good, but it’s fascinating.

I think the degree to which we talk about AI coming for our jobs, I don’t think they’re going to be writing the kind of stuff that we’re writing. I think they’re going to be making stuff like this that’s actually compelling and strange, that no human would ever actually try to do. I think that’s in many ways the real danger, like what is it that I’m watching, and why can’t I stop watching it? I think it’s really interesting.

If you’re clicking through the links right now, you may find it’s not available, because just this morning as we’re recording this, the account was suspended for transphobic content because of things that the algorithms itself had generated. It had characters saying bad things that the creators had not intended, and so the creators are apologizing and trying to fix it, which is again another exciting challenge to this kind of thing. Nobody wrote it, but it created a thing that actually got itself banned.

**Craig:** It’s canceled. We have canceled AI. Listen, it’s important for artificial intelligence to learn. These are learning machines. Maybe it needs to learn from what it’s done and do better.

**John:** Indeed. It’s taking some time to listen and really reach out and reflect.

**Craig:** I’m looking at what it was suspended for. It’s very strange. In a weird way, it’s almost anti-bad. There’s actually a weirdly subtle thing of it’s making a comment on the thing that’s not good, but still. Let’s put it this way. There is a line in the thing where it’s suspended, where the AI comedian, the Seinfeld literally says, “No one is laughing, so I’m going to stop.” I think that’s incredible. Wow.

**John:** Craig, did you have something for us?

**Craig:** I do. I purchased an item called the Manta Sleep Mask. This is available wherever you shop online, I’m sure. It is not expensive, like the last thing that I thought was not expensive but turned out to be expensive. This one’s $35.

**John:** Great.

**Craig:** You may say, “$35 for an eye mask?” Here’s why I love this one. I don’t wear eye masks normally at night, but if I’m on a plane and I need to sleep, I absolutely wear one. One of the things that we have been learning over time about light and sleep is how important it is to keep it out of your eyes. We talk a lot about some of the fancier, newfangled things, like not as much blue light. You probably have the night shift thing set on your tablets and so forth. I certainly do. That’s nice, but it seems like blue light, not blue light, the most important thing for sleeping is no light.

The thing with eye masks is they’re super annoying. I hate them. They come off my face. They squeeze my head. They pinch my eyes. I don’t like the way they feel. This thing is great, because they’ve designed it so that there are these eye cups. It floats away from your face, but it really does a good job of sealing out the light. It doesn’t mush around to the left or the right when you turn your head and sleep on your side. The eye cups themselves are Velcroed to the straps. You can move them to fit, because the distance between our eyes is different for everybody. For me, I’ve found this to be an excellent travel solution. Big recommend for the Manta. What a nice name for it too, the Manta Sleep Mask.

**John:** I think I’ve recommended sleep masks before, because I’ve slept with a mask for 10 years or so. I sleep every night with a mask on.

**Craig:** Really? In your own bed at home?

**John:** At my own house, absolutely.

**Craig:** Wow.

**John:** I want absolute darkness. I think they’re great. Yes, they take a little getting used to. So often, I think people’s only experience with masks are when they’re on a plane and they’re using those cheap ones that come in little kits.

**Craig:** Those are bad.

**John:** Those are really bad. That’s not what we’re talking about. These are going to need to be soft. Definitely they don’t touch your eyeballs, which is crucial. You should be able to open your eyes with a mask on, without your eyelashes touching. That’s what this will allow you to do.

**Craig:** Exactly.

**John:** It’s great. I really recommend, if you’ve not tried sleeping with a mask, get one of these, because it really is just a better night of sleep, and you’re out.

**Craig:** Love it.

**John:** Cool. That is our show for this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Megana Rao.

**Craig:** Pachoo.

**John:** It is edited by Matthew Chilelli.

**Craig:** Chow.

**John:** Our outro this week is by Timothy Lenko. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions. For short questions, I’m sometimes around on Twitter @johnaugust, but not consistently, so send it in to ask@johnaugust.com.

You can find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s also where you’ll find transcripts and sign up for our weeklyish newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. We have T-shirts and they’re great. You can find those at Cotton Bureau. You can sign up to become a Premium Member at scriptnotes.net, where you can get all of the back-episodes and Bonus Segments, like the one we’re about to record on overpowered characters. Craig and Megana, thank you so much.

**Craig:** Thank you.

**Megana:** Thank you.

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** Craig, so this past week at DnD, we leveled up. We went down a level in the dungeon. We went up a level of our characters. I got to pick a new spell for my warlock named Klaus. Here are the choices I had. I had Demiplane, which was not going to be situationally very useful, Dominate Monster.

**Craig:** In the Dungeon of the Mad Mage, no. Dominate Monster, excellent spell.

**John:** Excellent spell. It basically lets you not just charm but really control a creature.

**Craig:** Control a creature.

**John:** Feeblemind, which was done against us shortly before, which basically just knocks somebody down to a Level 1 intelligence. They can’t do anything meaningful.

**Craig:** And charisma.

**John:** And charisma, yes. It really keeps them from casting spells and things. Glibness, which is a skill I don’t have, which is the ability to speak extemporaneously and [inaudible 00:54:13] charisma checks. Maddening Darkness, which is a powerful darkness that does damage on the people who are inside it, and Power Word Stun, which stuns people.

I picked Feeblemind because there’s a recency bias. It had just been done against us, and it felt great. It also felt like a good way to knock out a spell-caster, except I’m also thinking a lot of spell-casters could counter-spell that, and then I’ve just burned an incredibly expensive spell on them.

**Craig:** Hard to counter-spell that one though. It is a higher level spell. As they go up, trickier to counter. I think Mind Blank probably-

**John:** Protects against that?

**Craig:** … protects against Feeblemind. Yeah, it does. Mind Blank is a pretty awesome spell. It’s is also an 8th level spell. That’s 8th level wizard spell, pretty sure. Oh, and bards apparently can do it as well. Feeblemind is a great spell against casters for sure. You don’t want to cast it against a dum-dum monster, because it’ll just still punch you. Really good spell against anybody that’s using charisma in particular, so warlocks. If you’re going up against another big warlock, Feeblemind would be a really good one.

**John:** This got me thinking about overpowered characters, because now Klaus is at a level where he can do some really impressive things. I can lock somebody in a force cage and basically take them out of a fight, which is great.

It got me thinking about overpowered characters in DnD but also overpowered characters as they relate to the stories we’re trying to tell. I think we talked about the challenge of Superman on previous episodes, where you have a character who can do so much, who’s so powerful, that you end up having to look for his small weakness. You have to find the kryptonite so you have some ability to stop him. It makes it very hard to fit him in with other groups of characters, because he’s just so overpowered.

**Craig:** Overpowering leads to power inflation. The more powerful a hero is, the more powerful the villain has to be, so that we care. What ends up happening is this blunting of ability, where you get very excited that somebody is such a badass. Then you’re like, oh no, a mega badass has appeared. At some point, isn’t it just all the same then? If Superman is trading punches with-

**John:** Darkseid?

**Craig:** Yeah, Darkseid. He’s going up against Darkseid. Now it’s just these gods punching each other in the face, which is fun, but it does turn into the whole Thor is fighting with Hela, and you’re like, they’re the same.

**John:** They’re gods.

**Craig:** Now it’s just fistfight again. You get that weird inflation of power, all the way to Thanos can wipe out half of the universe and that we can do these things. For me, as a DM, the challenge of running a campaign with… There are seven of you guys, who are all Level 16. You’re a Level 15 warlock, but you’re also a Level 1… What’d you dip into?

**John:** Artificer.

**Craig:** Artificer. Seven Level 16 characters are demigods. The danger now is that every encounter will either be trivial or you’ll all die. The ability to craft close battles is becoming much, much harder because you guys can beat almost anyone. It’s tricky.

**John:** What you’re describing in terms of the DM’s challenge is really the screenwriter’s challenge or the TV writer’s challenge in terms of figuring out ways, when you have characters who can do all these things, how do you create scenarios in which they are challenged, and yet it still feels like they are recognizably human, it still feels like they’re relating to things at a normal human level. That becomes just really, really tricky thinking about the Superman problem, like Doctor Strange and Wanda Maximoff, which again, super incredibly, incredibly powerful characters.

In the case of Wanda, you’re looking for what is she really trying to do, how do we set up the things that she’s actually focusing on, which is basically to get back to her sons. How can that be a driving factor? Yet we as an audience have very little ability to understand what are the limits to her power, what is it that she cannot do. You end up having to have other characters describe someone that’s putting other guardrails around where the edges of her power is. It’s really tough. I think we sometimes under-appreciate how tough it is to write incredibly powerful characters versus people with more normal levels of ability.

**Craig:** You begin to get stupid. I don’t know how else to put it. There was a video game I played years ago called Turok, the Dinosaur Hunter. It’s a cool game. You were running around. I think you were on another planet. You must’ve been on another planet where there were a lot of dinosaurs but also bad guys. As you go, no surprise, the monsters get tougher, bad guys get harder.

Like a lot of first-person shooters back then, it was about weapon fetishization. You start with a gun, but then you get a shotgun, but then you get a big shotgun, but then you get a rocket launcher. Where it ended up was you have a gun that fires small nukes. That’s where you ended up. You were literally firing nuclear weapons out of your gun, which of course should theoretically kill you as well. It just got stupid. That is stupid. It was fun. Oh my god was it fun, but it was stupid fun.

The one time in Predator, way way back when, in the end, spoiler for the movie from the ‘80s, the Predator explodes himself and it’s a nuclear explosion, which Arnold Schwarzenegger runs from, jumps, does the whole something behind me is exploding jump, lands and takes cover behind a log or something, and he’s fine.

**John:** He’s fine.

**Craig:** He was at Ground Zero of a nuclear blast. He’s all right. They don’t show his character going through intensive cancer treatments years later. That was hysterical but also stupid. I know I’m going to get angry fan mail about that. That’s part of the fun of overpower is like, oh my god, what a badass, but then what it costs you is…

Another case of overpower, Highlander. There can be only one. He’s the one. Now let’s make more Highlanders. They’re overpowered. They’re eternal. They can kill everybody with their swords. This guy killed all those people with his sword.

**John:** I want to point out though, going back to your Predator example, because the most recent Predator I thought was a really, really good version of Predator. I loved it.

**Craig:** Grounded.

**John:** Grounded. I think one of the reasons it was grounded is that the Predator character could seem overpowered and yet it has put limits on what it’s willing to do, in terms of it could fly off in its ship. It’s not going to fly off in its ship. It’s going to do some stuff. Therefore you can use the overpowered character’s abilities against itself. That’s ultimately how they are defeated, which is true to the Predator ethos. An overpowered villain is not nearly as much of a problem for the screenwriter as an overpowered hero is.

**Craig:** Yes, although the overpowered hero will lead to overpowered villains. I see in the notes here you reference The Matrix. That’s what happened in The Matrix. What a great movie.

**John:** Great.

**Craig:** I love The Matrix. It is just gorgeous from beginning to end. It has a wonderful end. Then the demands of sequel made it so like, okay, he’s definitely God in The Matrix, so what do we do? Let’s bring back the bad guy, but let’s bring back a thousand of him.

There are so many interesting things that are happening in The Matrix sequels that I really enjoy, that are fascinating. That was the part that was the least interesting to me, because you could feel it getting silly. You were losing a sense of reality to anybody getting really hurt or really dying. It was getting so mythological as to disconnect me from a relationship with it. That’s one of the costs of overpower.

**John:** I’ve been thinking recently about why there are not more movies being made about the Greek gods. I think it really does come down to that. It’s very hard to have any sort of grounded things happening to them, because they are just literally gods. Their powers are so vast, it’s hard to find a challenge for them.

**Craig:** The great Greek dramas were about humans that were being toyed with by the gods or encouraged by the gods. The stories of the gods in their internecine warfare feels more like reading bible stories, where you’re like, “I don’t really think that that happened like that. I don’t believe that Jesus is fighting Satan in Hell.” I don’t really believe that, I don’t know, Chronos ate his children. I don’t know where any of this stuff comes from. It’s all rather silly. What is interesting is Persius.

**John:** Exactly.

**Craig:** He’s interesting. That story is fun. Jonah and the Whale, Jonah is interesting. People are interesting. One of the problems with the proliferation of the superhero genre is that we’re just disconnecting with people. The more superheros are like people to me, the more interested I generally am in them. I love Spider-Man. I love Batman, because Batman’s a person. Spider-Man’s a kid. I love that.

**John:** Craig, Megana, thank you for a fun show.

**Megana:** Thank you.

**Craig:** Thank you!

Links:

* [‘Doppelganger murder’: Woman accused of killing Instagram lookalike in plot to fake her own death](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/doppelganger-murder-woman-killed-instagram-lookalike-fake-death-rcna68318?cid=sm_npd_nn_tw_ma) By Andy Eckardt and Aina J. Khan for NBC
* [The Godfather, Saudi-Style](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/nov/29/mbs-v-mbn-the-bitter-power-struggle-between-rival-saudi-princes) by Anuj Chopra for the Guardian
* [The Last Days of Nikki Finke](https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/21/style/nikki-finke-hollywood-journalist.html) by Jacob Bernstein for the NYT
* [The Nun and the Monk who fell in Love and Married](https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-64125531) by Aleem Maqbool for BBC
* [13 stranded strangers went on a road trip. Here’s what happened](https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/chance-encounters-canceled-flight-van-road-trip-13-strangers/index.html) by Francesca Street for CNN
* [‘Nothing, Forever’ Is An Endless ‘Seinfeld’ Episode Generated by AI](https://www.vice.com/en/article/qjkyxp/whats-the-deal-with-nothing-forever-a-21st-century-seinfeld-that-is-ai-generated) by Chloe Xiang for Vice
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