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Scriptnotes Transcript

Scriptnotes, Ep 232: Fun with Numbers — Transcript

January 14, 2016 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](http://johnaugust.com/2016/fun-with-numbers).

**John August:** Hello, and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** And this is Episode 232 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Today on the program, we will look at what the giant success of Star Wars means for screenwriters and the film industry. We will look at a startup that uses exclusive algorithms to predict which movies will be hits or flops. Ooh, get your waders because there’s going to be some umbrage muck there.

A WGA proposal that changes the number of years board members can serve. And in the craft corner, we’ll look at how you tell an audience what your characters’ names are. So a busy episode.

**Craig:** Indeed. Plus we have some questions and things.

**John:** We have a lot to go through. But this is our first normal episode in a while. Last week, we had Aline and Rawson on, and that was so much fun. But Craig, it’s honestly great to have you back.

**Craig:** Well, thank you, John. I’d like to think that everybody likes the original formula of Coke. You know, we are the original formula. This is it.

**John:** Well, it’s fascinating. It’s like the original formula of the Coke has been sort of supplanted by Mexican Coke. Classically, I mean, you should think that American Coke is Coke. But in Los Angeles restaurants, you order Mexican Coke because it’s made with sugar rather than being high fructose corn syrup.

**Craig:** Right. It’s made with cane sugar instead of — or, well, I don’t know, sugar. It’s funny, like, most sugar comes from beets, I guess.

**John:** Yeah. Sure.

**Craig:** But none of it’s really the original Coke because the original Coke had cocaine in it.

**John:** It’s so good.

**Craig:** Yummy.

**John:** Somewhere on Twitter, a person linked to this photo of some product that was sold and the ingredients in it were amazing. It was like alcohol, cocaine and like morphine. And it was like an over the counter thing you could buy.

**Craig:** Cocaine wine.

**John:** Cocaine wine.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Oh, more cocaine wine for Hellen Keller.

**Craig:** Oh, so good. [laughs]

**John:** All right. Let’s do some follow-up because there’s a bunch of it.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Alex writes in, “In Episode 7, another wonderful episode wherein you guys offered your thoughts and opinions on female health issues — ”

**Craig:** Yes.

**John:** “Craig ended up by promising, ‘Next week’s episode is entirely about vaginosis.'” Alex continues, “I’m not saying that things don’t come up from time to time to bump the planned schedule, but for the next 222 episodes or so, I’ve been waiting for this episode.”

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** “Before I continue spending my $2 per month, do you guys have an ETA on the vaginosis episode? And if the solution comes down to yogurt, I’m going to be very disappointed.”

**Craig:** Yeah, it’s a great question. So I’m going to try to make this as quick as I can. This is the vaginosis episode, okay? And this should be family-friendly. It’s just science, folks.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** So what is vaginosis? Vaginosis. Everyone’s like, what the hell is going on? Vaginosis is not a yeast infection. A lot of people think they’re the same thing. They’re not. Vaginosis is actually far more common than yeast infections. And it’s one of those good bacteria, bad bacteria things.

So you know, like there’s a whole thing now about good bacteria is really important for our health. We all know that’s sort of like in our gut bacteria is really important. Well, it’s also really important in the vagina because a particular kind of bacteria called lactobacillus keeps the pH balance in the vagina slightly acidic, and that helps kill bad microorganisms that come to the vagina.

Okay. I’m going to say vagina about 1,000 times, by the way.

Sometimes that balance gets out of whack. And a different kind of bacteria called gardnerella begins to proliferate, and that kills off the good bacteria, the lactobacillus.

Why does this happen? It just gets in there. You can think of ways it might get in there. I mean, the point is the vagina is an opening and stuff gets in openings. That’s just life.

Anyway, the point is, another — well, there’s another reason it happens. This is the worst thing. Sometimes women douche, and they should not. As far as everything I’ve read, that’s just like the worst thing. Because what it does is, perversely, the thing you’re doing to clean your vagina, is just cleaning away the bacteria that keeps your vagina clean, and then you can end up with this situation which is vaginosis.

And what are the symptoms? I’m not going to go into the symptoms. They’re unpleasant.

The point is this, she’s asking about yogurt. So people went, “Okay, well, if vaginosis is caused by things being out of whack and there’s not enough of the lactobacillus in there, how do I get more lactobacillus? I know, yogurt. Because it has lactobacillus.”

Sort of not really. Two different strains. And also, eating it isn’t really the same thing as putting it in your vagina which, by the way, people have tried to do. They’ve literally dipped tampons in yogurt and stuck it up in there.

And there’s like one study that says that might work. One study. But mostly, the studies say no, eating yogurt doesn’t really do anything. Even taking probiotics doesn’t really seem to help, because it’s just kind of the deal.

So this is a bummer, Alex. We’ve finally gotten to the vaginosis episode and what I’m telling you is I can’t even give you yogurt. I can give you nothing except, unfortunately, antibiotics. Which is not great because those come along with all other issues.

But it’s just one of those things. The vagina is an opening, things get in openings. Sometimes there’s infections. I’m sorry.

**John:** Yeah. It feels like one of those intractable problems that we often face as screenwriters where, you know, it’s just the way things are and you have to accept that it’s the way things are.

**Craig:** It’s just the way things are.

**John:** You could sometimes be vigilant for like things not to do. So you’ve given some useful advice on like not douching.

**Craig:** Yeah. So don’t douche. There’s no cause for it.

The worst of them actually not only wash away the good bacteria, but then they raise the pH of the vagina which then makes it even harder for the good bacteria to survive or come back. There’s just no reason for it. I know why it’s there, but don’t do it.

**John:** Lewis in the UK writes, “On your live show, you urged people currently using their parents’ Netflix accounts to get their own. This got me wondering what difference it would make to you, the screenwriter.

Assume I currently use my dad’s Netflix account and there are 1 billion people identical to me following my actions. What effect does it have on you if I and my clone army get my own account under the following conditions? One, neither of us watch your movie. Two, I watch your movie. Three, both I and my father watch your movie. Cheers, Lewis.”

**Craig:** Cheers, Lewis.

**John:** Yeah. So Lewis is asking what difference does it make whether I watch something on my dad’s Netflix account or my Netflix account. And the answer I think has to do with just overall numbers of subscribers to Netflix and that the more people Netflix have watching movies, the more money they have to spend to buy the rights to our movies.

**Craig:** Yeah. But there’s another thing, too. I think there’s residuals issues because Netflix pays the studios.

Now, we don’t really know how Netflix pays the studios, it’s a big bit of a mystery. But I suspect that it is somewhat metric. They’re not going to be paying Warner Bros. as much for a movie that made $2 million as they are for a movie that made $100 million that people are constantly clicking on and watching.

So Netflix has metrics for everything. The more people that are watching a particular movie, the more probably they’re going to send to the studio a portion to that movie. And then that becomes gross proceeds for the studio, which then impacts our residuals on our end.

If one person watches the same movie five times on Netflix, I don’t know if Netflix says it was watched five times. Maybe, but possibly not.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** But if two individuals watch it each once, that may count as two viewings.

**John:** Yes. So in general, it comes down to we do not get paid — in sort of the iTunes model, we get paid a specific residual for you are renting that movie or you are purchasing that movie. And that is lovely and it’s much more straightforward.

When a services licensing a movie for a period of time at a certain rate, we don’t get a portion individually residuals for that one person who watched it. But the more people overall who are watching that movie on that service, the more likely that service is going to say, “You know what? We better have The Hangover Part 3 next month because a lot of people love to watch that movie.” And that’s the service you’re doing us by getting your own account and watching that yourself.

**Craig:** I mean, of course, there’s the — I mean, Lewis isn’t — he’s asking a very specific question about how it affects, but then there’s just the moral thing, you know.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Stop leeching off your parents. [laughs] You know, like, it’s embarrassing.

**John:** Spoken as the father of a teenager, yes.

**Craig:** Well, yeah, it’s embarrassing. Like, I mean, the last thing I would want to do is be leeching off my parents.

**John:** Yeah. It’s generational.

**Craig:** That’s just me.

**John:** Sean writes, “My script has been picked up by a couple of producers to be made next year and they’ve asked me to direct.” Congratulations, Sean.

**Craig:** Nice.

**John:** “They have chosen a venue and hired actors for a read-through. I’ve asked around and gotten some recommendations from others who have been in similar situations. Common advice was to watch those attending and read their body language, et cetera to find any spots that lag, spots that are engaged. My question is, what advice do you guys have about the questions I should ask those who attend the read-through so I can get the most out of it?” Craig?

**Craig:** Well, that’s interesting. I’m not sure that this whole body language — I mean, you really should just watch it like an audience member. I mean, you have to kind of take yourself out of the seat of being the director so to speak, because when you’re doing a live read-through, they’re just going to read it through. You can’t stop and start them. At that point, you really should trust yourself rather than — now, what you can do is you could have somebody set up a little camera to film the audience. Film, record the audience, that you can then review later to look for squirming. You can see like, for instance, if it’s a comedy, did we remember — was that a big laugh or not a big laugh? We can’t quite remember.

But mostly, I would say, just place yourself in your audience mindset and you experience it. And you take notes. And you monitor how you feel.

What do you think, John?

**John:** I agree. I think the value for the read-through is for you as the writer-director and for the actors. And if the audience and the producers and other trusted friends are watching this and they’re able to give you helpful things based on their observations, that’s great. But really, let the experience be about you and connecting with the actors.

The read-through is going to be one of the few times where all those actors are in the room performing the entire thing together. Movies aren’t like plays where the entire thing is staged each time. This is probably going to be the only situation in the entire process where the entire thing is performed. So just get a sense of what it feels like as a whole thing.

I would say, when you’re taking notes for yourself, look for lines that certain actors have trouble with. Look for moments that seem kind of clunky, or where the actors’ instincts about how to play something are not your instincts so you can go back and work through those before you show up on set and have to deal with those.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** But I would say let that experience of a read-through be a chance for everyone to sort of come together and sort of celebrate the work as a whole, because it’s never going to be whole again until you see these people at the premier.

**Craig:** Quite, quite true.

The other thing to look out for is judgments about particular actors in the role at the read-through. Some actors really are film actors. They come alive when it’s quiet and the camera is on them. And they act to a camera, and they’re brilliant at it. They’re not great stage actors. Sometimes they’re intimidated by being on stage. Sometimes they tank it on purpose. They just don’t want to be judged, so they get very small.

I’ve seen so many big movie stars do this at read-throughs where they just suddenly seem so small, almost like they’re afraid to be big because it’s embarrassing to them.

So, I wouldn’t make anyone a hero out of it, and I wouldn’t make anyone a goat out of it, because there’s an enormous difference. A little bit like when people say, you know, there’s that term daily laughs —

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Where, you know, it’s a big laugh in dailies or it’s a big laugh on the set. And then you put it in the movie and it’s like, “Nah, it doesn’t work.”

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Make note of the context. Sometimes the performances will not at all be what you’re getting when you’re there on the day.

**John:** Yeah. All right. Our last bit of follow-up harkens back to Episode 112, and we looked at this video that had gone viral that week called “Dear JJ Abrams” which offered four points of advice for what JJ Abrams should do now that he was setting off to direct the Star Wars movie. [laughs] So I thought we would revisit what those four points were —

**Craig:** Okay.

**John:** And see whether those were actually meaningful. As I recall, you were openly kind of skeptical and mocking of this guy who made this video. But here are his four points.

**Craig:** Because he was saying obvious things, I think. [laughs]

**John:** Yeah, he was saying kind of obvious things. But here were his four points. Star Wars happens on the frontier. Is that true to Star Wars 7? Yes, it was.

**Craig:** Uh, yeah.

**John:** Very much. The future is old.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Yeah, absolutely. Like the movie starts with the wreckage of previous battles and I think it is very old.

**Craig:** And also the equipment was just taken directly from the prior — from the original series. So the blasters looked old. Yeah.

**John:** Yeah, they did. And there were lots of old people in it as well. [laughs]

**Craig:** Yeah. [laughs]

**John:** The force is mysterious. I’d say, mixed bag here. Because there wasn’t a lot of talk about the force in this movie.

**Craig:** Well, I think it were — I mean, we all know what it is at this point.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And I did like that the ball was moved a little bit forward on the force. You know, the whole staring, grunting duel between Kylo and Rey was something new. We hadn’t seen that before.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It was a little X-Men-y.

**John:** Yeah, it was a little X-Men-y. Kylo gets to make a blaster bolt hover in mid-air. That was cool.

**Craig:** That was awesome.

**John:** That was cool.

**Craig:** Loved that.

**John:** Finally, Star Wars isn’t cute. [laughs]

I would counter with BB-8. BB-8 is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in an entire movie. I want nothing but BB-8 in my entire universe.

**Craig:** It’s not true. Star Wars is cute. I mean, even Jawas were cute. BB-8 is cute. R2 is cute. C3PO is cute. The little woman with the big eyes was cute. Yeah. I mean, even that monster on, you know, that was rampaging at one point was kind of cute.

No. Sometimes Star Wars is cute. There’s nothing wrong with that.

**John:** There’s nothing wrong with being cute.

**Craig:** Yeah. I mean, I don’t know, I still — I’m actually angrier about this baloney advice to — I love his advice to — I mean, I don’t know what I said. I’m guessing, if I could go back and listen to 112, that probably what I said was, “This is lame because all you’re doing is giving obvious advice that later you can take credit for.”

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** “Oh, he must have listened to me.” No, he didn’t. Stop it.

**John:** Yeah. No, he didn’t. Correlation is not causation. That’s going to come up later on.

**Craig:** It’s going to come up, yeah.

**John:** All right. Let’s go back to Star Wars. So new topics here.

**Craig:** Yup.

**John:** Star Wars is going to be the biggest movie of all time.

**Craig:** Yup.

**John:** We’re recording this about 10 days before this airs, the episode is going to air. So by the time this comes out, more of these records will probably have been broken. But on Box Office Mojo, which is probably the best place to look up sort of like how movies are doing over time, it’s fun that Star Wars knocks down sort of every record. So like fastest to 100, fastest to $200 million, fastest to $500 million.

The movie is also incredibly well-reviewed. And so I thought we might talk just for a minute about like what the impact of Star Wars will be on the film industry and for screenwriters in the coming years based on its gargantuan success.

**Craig:** Well, I did feel — I think I said on a prior episode that this would be — we would find out just how much money a movie could make. I mean, that’s kind of what’s happening here.

Very exciting for our friend, Rian Johnson, who’s making the next one, because I think that we will find out how much more a movie could make when he — I think his movie will become the biggest movie of all time.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It’s really exciting. Implications for the film industry? I don’t think there are any. This is a little controversial, but to me, this is a little bit like saying, “Well, what were the implications for Harry Potter?” Harry Potter was unique.

There were some other YA properties that came out, but they in themselves were — they had their own fan base and they had earned their way in. Like, say, The Hunger Games had earned its way in.

Star Wars is unique. I don’t know if anyone else can look at this and think, “Oh, well, let’s just do that.” You can’t.

**John:** Well, you can’t do that.

So in terms of it being unique, I think it carves out a space of like, you’re not going to make any kind of movies that are even like Star Wars for a while because Star Wars is Star Wars. And so I think if we were trying to make a big space opera, just put that on the back shelf for like 20 years because this is going to take up that entire universe. And anything you’re trying to make that is a big space opera is going to be compared to Star Wars here.

I think if you’re trying to make a giant Dune right now, it’s going to be compared to Star Wars in ways that aren’t entirely fair but would be natural.

**Craig:** Well Dune actually is not a bad idea. Hold on a second. [laughs] Hold on, because I agree with you.

I remember when Star Wars came out, it was succeeded by a series of terrible rip-offs and knock-offs, some of which I actually kind of liked because I was a kid and I liked that stuff. But Dune actually, this is probably a great time for Dune because —

**John:** You think so?

**Craig:** I do. Because I think people’s appetite has been whetted for the grand space opera. Game of Thrones is just Dune not in space, right? Dune is amazing.

Look, you’ve hit a little bit of a weird spot for me because I’m obsessed with Dune. I mean, I love the David Lynch movie. I’m obsessed with the David Lynch movie for so many reasons. But Dune’s incredible. And I do think it would be — this is a great time to do Dune.

Who has the rights to Dune?

**John:** They’ve been trying to make it for a long time. Pete Berg —

**Craig:** Paramount?

**John:** Yes. It was Pete Berg at Paramount. I think Favreau had a version at Paramount at some point.

**Craig:** That seems like a weird — I mean, you know, sometimes these weird matchups work. I wouldn’t have said Favreau for Dune. But regardless, I mean, maybe he could figure it out. It’s just, Dune is amazing.

This is not a bad time for Dune. Hold on. [laughs] I think you figured something out by saying no to it.

**John:** So here’s some implications I do think it will have, is that, sort of like the giant Marvel movies sort of just suck up all of the oxygen, and all the box office around them, whenever these Star Wars movies drop, it’s going to take — it’s like a huge meteor impact, and it’s going to be very hard to open a movie around those. And so that sense of like what weekends are left is going to be incredibly challenging.

So knowing when the next Star Wars comes out, knowing when future things down the road comes out, there are going to be fewer and fewer weekends in which you could safely program things. And so you’re going to have to look at sort of inadvertent counter programming, which is like, well there was no other place to put this movie, so we’re going to put this movie — this time I wouldn’t call it counter programming, but it’s really — we had no other place to release it.

**Craig:** We’re going to call it counter programming, yeah. [laughs]

That’s a very good point. That is the true impact on the film industry of Star Wars is that when the next Star Wars film comes out, no one can be on that weekend. They’re actually just going to give them the weekend. I mean, yeah, they might do — like Sisters was I guess their attempt at counter programming, but it’s interesting because —

**John:** It was a mixed bag.

**Craig:** It doesn’t really counter program. You can’t counter program Star Wars because Star Wars is for everyone.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Every age, every gender, every race, everyone all over the world. Therefore, you can’t counter program it unless you’re literally just showing movies to animals. Like if animals could buy tickets, like pets, then you can make like — this is a decent movie. Okay, on Star Wars weekend, you should have a film of like bacon being made and you invite dogs. That would work. [laughs]

**John:** I think maybe in the sixth or seventh week, they probably will have like a bring-your-dog-to-Star-Wars day at some theaters because like you want to go see the movie with your best friend, and your best friend is your dog. [laugh]

**Craig:** That’s the saddest — that’s so sad. [laughs]

**John:** I think it’s wonderful.

**Craig:** Oh my God, it’s the saddest thing ever.

No, you’re right. I didn’t even think about that. That’s another reason why I think Rian’s film will be the biggest movie of all time because it will have nothing. Nothing will be around it. You’re right, huge —

**John:** Well, nothing was really around it this weekend. I think this last time, people recognized that like, you know, they couldn’t compete. And that’s why so many, I think, the for your consideration movies got released earlier, like more towards Thanksgiving rather than on Christmas because I think they could see that it was going to be just a disaster to try to open against one of these things.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** I mean Hateful Eight, I had a hard time getting the screens it wanted. It was a challenging time for other movies.

**Craig:** Yeah. Well, it was a challenging time in the Galaxy. And you know, one kind of okay thing is at least, you know, there are two big seasons to release these A-bombs, you know. One is summer, which is getting longer and longer. And one is the Thanksgiving-Christmas time.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** So if it were in the middle of summer, it would — they’re smart to not do that. This is the Harry Potter time, which is that, because, you know, summer becomes exhausting. It’s exhausting. I get so tired of the onslaught.

**John:** One of the nice things about Christmas holiday, because I know there was — they were originally trying to make this a summer movie. And when they pushed it back to Christmas, there was a concern like, “Oh, they cost themselves some box office.” But adults have a lot of time off over the holidays. And so adults can see movies twice over Christmas in ways they couldn’t during the summer. And that’s useful.

**Craig:** Great point. And I think Lord of the Rings was a Thanksgiving-Christmas.

**John:** Absolutely. And Titanic was. Avatar was. So there’s precedent for making a huge amount of money at this time of year.

**Craig:** Yes, for sure.

**John:** But let’s take a look at sort of the content of the movie. Some people slam it for, like, it gives the fans exactly what they want. And it’s like, well, yes, it gives the fans exactly what they want, which is basically it feels in some ways like a soft reboot. It sort of performs the Stations of the Cross of the original movie. But also, it gives the fans what they want in terms of like, they want the universe to sort of grow a little bit and sort of not all be like white men running around. And they made very smart choices for that.

So I think as we see these re-explorations of classic properties, the chance to go back through and address some of what’s new in 2015 and 2020 versus the original films could be great.

**Craig:** Yes. I mean, it’s not going to be like this. I mean, this is — Star Wars is unique. I cannot bear to read one more think piece about Star Wars. It’s atrocious. It’s a movie. Go see the movie. Enjoy the movie or don’t. And then go home. Stop essaying every freaking thought you have and comparing it — no one cares.

The tidal wave of static that has erupted from the keyboards of the obsessives is overwhelming. I mean, it’s just a movie. I went to the movie and I enjoyed it. I could have a conversation about it with my friends. Sure. I’m not going to write some essay about it as if to say, “Guys, guys, guys, guys, I know a million people have written about this, but this is the one.”

**John:** This is the one.

**Craig:** This is it. This is correct. That’s the subtext of all those, which makes me nuts.

**John:** Perhaps the conversation that you do want to join in on though is on the January 25th special episode of Scriptnotes where we’ll have Lawrence Kasdan, the writer of Star Wars. And he’s going to talk to us about the movie.

**Craig:** Segue Man. Yes. He is going to talk to us about the movie and many other things.

Lawrence, Larry to those of us — Larry is fascinating for lots and lots of reasons. But what I really want — I mean, to be the guy that writes Empire and Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Body Heat, and then 30 years later, co-write the biggest movie in history. Wow, it’s unbelievable.

**John:** Yes. It’s going to be great. So again, we’re recording this episode super early. So I don’t know if there are still tickets available. But if there are tickets, you can find those at hollywoodheart.org/upcoming. And that is where you can get tickets to our special show of Scriptnotes.

But I’m not sure yet if it’s going to be a normal episode of Scriptnotes in the sense that it will be in the feed. We have to figure that out with sort of the actual technical demands of where we’re recording. And also, this is sort of a special event. So I don’t want to promise that everyone can get this free on Tuesday and not truck down to see us in downtown Los Angeles.

**Craig:** Yes. And Jason Bateman will be there, which is great.

**John:** Oh my gosh, Jason Bateman.

**Craig:** Yeah, and he’s terrific. And it’s for charity. It benefits children.

**John:** Yes. It’s a good thing. You know what does not benefit children? [laughs]

**Craig:** Segue Man. [laughs]

**John:** Segue Man. [laughs] It is a small Belgian company called Scriptbook.

**Craig:** Oh, god.

**John:** So the pit on Scriptbook is that they are using data science to figure out which movies are going to be hits or going to be flops. [laughs]

**Craig:** Thank God.

**John:** And so the CEO of the company, Nadira Azermai, raised money. They have a million dollars’ worth of financing. They are apparently in discussion with studios, not clear which studios, about their technology and their ability to predict which movies are hits or flops. So I just want to play one little clip from a promotional video they did so that you can get a sense of the company in her own words.

**Nadira Azermai:** I like data but — there is a big but, I also have a strong gut feeling. Sometimes you just want to back your gut feeling. And if I can back my gut feeling with really something that’s scientifically proven, then I have peace of mind.

**John:** Craig, I feel like this was forged in a lab just to anger you. This was like — this was a grain of sand introduced into your inner oyster belly.

**Craig:** Yeah, yeah. And here comes a pearl of absolute contempt and disgust.

**John:** Right.

**Craig:** Putting aside the stupidity of what Ms. Azermai just said, which is that she has created a number and database algorithm that is completely trumpable by her own gut feeling, this is not even new. That’s the thing, this snake oil baloney isn’t even new. She is the — I don’t know what, 12th of these things that have popped up that we’ve discussed. I mean, remember there was that one guy, Rocko, or whatever his name was.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** There are so many of these guys. They’re all peddling the same thing. And what they’re peddling — okay, what they say they’re peddling, is an algorithm designed to analyze screenplays, and then out will come success. But what they’re really peddling is the oldest thing in the game — confidence. [laughs] They’re peddling confidence.

And so they’re saying, “You can be confident now. You can be certain. You can be relaxed. We’ve got it covered with our baloney. You don’t need to live in a scary world where you aren’t in control of outcomes.” I am so, so sorry to say that this business is scary and we are not in control of our outcomes. We can influence them as best as we can.

It’s a little bit like raising children, you just don’t know. And anyone who tells you they know is lying. These people are — and what numbers? What are they — what possibly can you pull out of a screenplay?

The whole point of it is that it’s exciting and has this weird mystical interconnection between movie and audience. The script itself is not the movie, so you can’t tell from the script. And these people are stealing other people’s money, and it’s making me crazy.

**John:** Right. Since there are so many factors to tackle this on, so let’s talk about the script, and sort of like, basically they’re talking about breaking down a script and finding the things that work and the things that don’t work.

Fundamentally, those are always going to be qualitative characteristics. Unless you’re talking about like the number of words per page, or the number of pages of the script, I mean, all of these things, they’re going to be qualitative. Things like, you know, what is the act break? Well, three smart people can disagree on what the act break is. Are there four jokes on this page or two jokes on this page? Well smart people can disagree.

So you’re relying on human fallibility to, or human opinion really, to determine which of these boxes get ticked in which ways.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** That is an inherent issue that nothing in their materials made clear how they’re making those decisions about what the actual stuff in the screenplay is.

**Craig:** Yeah. They’re not waving some kind of Geiger counter over this. It’s not what we call observable fact. It is intuitive judgments that they then assign facts to. Well, those aren’t facts. You can’t rate that. It’s ridiculous.

Furthermore, what they’re comparing the screenplays to are movies. Let’s be honest, right?

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** They look at a screenplay and they say, “Well, this screenplay has the following elements that have succeeded in these movies.” Screenplays aren’t movies. If you want to really do your data baloney nonsense, go to movies that have succeeded, then go back, find the screenplays. Not just one, all of them.

**John:** To be fair, I actually did look at the website, and they do do that.

**Craig:** Okay.

**John:** They’re trying to compare screenplays to screenplays.

**Craig:** Okay. So they go back to which screenplays? The final shooting script? It doesn’t work. Doesn’t count.

I assume that’s what they’re doing. That’s baloney. No. To be properly predictive, you have to go back to the first draft or to the pitch or to the spec.

**John:** I think it would be fair to go to the draft they put in production, whatever draft you green light.

**Craig:** Okay, fine. Then that, even that. But they don’t have access to that. They don’t. Because as you and I both know, things change constantly. And then of course there’s editing and all this other stuff. It just doesn’t work.

**John:** Nope.

**Craig:** It doesn’t work. And on top — even if they had all the information, if they had every single word that was written, it still wouldn’t work. And here’s why. Because movies are not controllable. That’s the big secret.

Remember — did you see that movie, Nixon, the Oliver Stone movie?

**John:** Yeah, I did see it.

**Craig:** There’s this point where Nixon is, I think he’s at the Lincoln Memorial and he gets into a debate with these hippies who are yelling at him and saying basically the whole thing is his war machine and you’re not even in control of it. [laughs] And he gets into his limousine, he’s like, “She’s actually figured it out. The truth is, I’m not in control. None of us are. We’re just kind of holding on to this thing that’s galloping out of our control.” That’s a movie.

So you can run this all through your software. Here’s what the software doesn’t account for. Robert Downey, Jr doesn’t want to say those lines. That’s it. Software done.

**John:** So let’s check another vector of why this is so problematic. Let’s talk about Ryan Kavanaugh and Relativity.

So Relativity, it was a company that financed a bunch of movies. They ultimately started making their own movies. And the pitch behind Relativity was always, if you saw the articles about Ryan Kavanaugh, the charismatic CEO of it, was like we have our own software that makes it so we can’t lose money. And then they actually proceeded to lose a bunch of money.

So they’re not the first people to ever come up with this idea of like we can predict what’s going to work and what’s not going to work because we have software, except that it didn’t work.

**Craig:** It’s just, I’m tempted to call it arrogance, but I don’t think it’s arrogance. I actually think it’s just a crafted lie. It’s just very clever people who see an opening and an opportunity. And the opening and the opportunity is a bunch of scared executives who are desperately trying to figure out why things work and don’t and how to keep their jobs for God’s sake because they have children in private school and they have mortgages. And these people come along and throw them a life preserver. The problem is the life preserver is made of lead.

**John:** Yes. So I want to talk about what’s actually useful or meaningful about this kind of work, which is that, studios already — every studio in town already has a department. They have people whose job it is to find comps.

And so as they’re looking at like, do we make this movie or do we not make this movie, they have a whole department whose job it is to figure out how much can we anticipate making on this movie, in this market, and that market, and that market? And basically like, is this a smart investment for us or not a smart investment for us?

That’s kind of fine. And I don’t fault a studio for doing that because if the studio is saying like, “I don’t know how we’re going to possibly make money on this movie,” that’s a reasonable reason not to make that movie.

**Craig:** Sure.

**John:** The challenge is it can be so hard to find a comp for a certain kind of movie. So I was talking with Andrea Berloff for Straight Outta Compton, when Universal — I think it was actually Warner Bros. before Universal had it, they were trying to figure out like what comps to compare Straight Outta Compton to. And they’re like, “Well, is it Get on Up, the James Brown bio pic?” Well, of course it’s not that, but that’s the comps they had because there hadn’t been a movie like Straight Outta Compton.

And that’s the truth about most movies unless you’re making a low budget horror movie or a certain kind of mid-range comedy. It’s very hard to find a template that’s going to fit what this movie is you’re thinking about making.

**Craig:** And then the sick thing is that what they’ll try and do development-wise is force the movie toward a comp —

**John:** Yep.

**Craig:** Which is the stupidest thing of all. Now they’re literally making movies to feel comfortable in their data nonsense.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Some movies you just have to say, “This doesn’t have a comp.” That’s the point. That’s the point. “You know what? Let somebody else use our movie as the comp. We’ll be the new comp.”

Now, you could say Straight Outta Compton is a comp for other things. But until you have somebody say, “I’m just going to make this movie because I think it’s good and I think people are going to like it and enough with this comp baloney,” all that stuff really is, is them arguing to somebody that there is a science behind what they do. But this is a fact. I’m now giving you a fact. All of you, there is no science behind what they do. None. All of this, whether it’s from the outside people or from their own internal departments, all of it is designed to make it appear as if there is a science. There is not. That’s that.

**John:** So we’re going to ask Alex who wrote in about vaginosis. We’re going to ask Alex to put this in the follow-up file to make sure we do come back and look at Scriptbook in, I don’t know — do you give it a year, like two years, whether that still is a company that exists?

**Craig:** I mean they’ve all — we’ve given them all loads of time and they’ve done nothing. [laughs] Nothing.

**John:** Nothing.

**Craig:** No, nothing. I think Nadira — Nadira? My dear Nadira, if I were you, I would figure out a way to pocket as much of that million dollars as I can because no, this is not going to work.

**John:** I don’t think so either.

All right. My bit of umbrage this week is sort of related. It comes from an article by Todd Cunningham in The Wrap. Before I say the headline, I know that writers often don’t get to pick their own headlines and so we have to sort of discount any headline as being sensationalistic because it was probably editor that did it. But anyway, here’s the headline, “Box Office Shocker: Movie Reviews Matter in 2015.” That’s the headline.

So here’s the actual meat of the article. Cunningham says that 12 of the top 15 movies this year were well-reviewed by critics. And he says, “Not one of the year’s Box Office bombs had more positive reviews than bad.” This doesn’t seem shocking at all. So he says it’s a growing trend because critics liked 9 out of the top 15 movies in 2010 and 10 out of 15 movies in 2012. He doesn’t say anything about the other years.

So the obvious thing that I was screaming at my phone as I was reading this on Twitter was correlation is not causation. It’s like basically you’re saying like, “These two things happened at the same time.” And it’s like, “Well, yes, maybe people like good movies.” That should be the headline for the thing. “People Like Good Movies.” And so if a movie is good and if it succeeds at the Box Office, it’s because people like it. And if it succeeds critically, it’s because critics like good movies, too.

There’s nothing here. And it drives me so crazy that so many words were spent making it seem like, “Oh, you know, we have to really worry about what critics think because they have a huge impact on Box Office.”

**Craig:** We are swimming in a sea of stupid today, my friend. I mean, the stupid on this burns so bright, so hard. Here, let me rewrite the headline for you. “Film Criticism Shocker: Film Critics Now Copying Audiences.” [laughs] I mean, so yeah, film critics are people and audiences are people, right?

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Sometimes film critics hate a particular movie and audiences seem to love it. I’m personally familiar with that syndrome. [laughs] Sometimes film critics love a movie and audiences are like, “Yuck.” Sometimes, there’s overlap. In this case, the weird cherry-picking here has led this guy to believe that there is a significant overlap all of a sudden. [laughs] That the overlap is meaningful, and the overlap is in one direction and not say film critics finally going, “You know what? Maybe we should adjust our tastes to what people generally like.” It’s nonsense. You can’t draw any conclusion from it, whatsoever. This is stupid. The stupid grows by leaps and bounds.

Here’s another fact, another fact for everyone out there. Anytime people start talking about movies and statistics, you should just start getting pre-angry because stupid is almost surely going to follow.

**John:** Yeah. And possible conclusions will be drawn out of that supposed data.

**Craig:** Crazy, just crazy.

**John:** So two of the examples he cites were Fantastic Four and Terminator Genesis, both of which tanked and both of which got bad reviews. The reality is everyone knew those movies were going to tank before they tanked. The tracking on those movies in the weeks leading up to them was low. People seemed to sense that these were not good movies and they were correct.

And so while I do think it’s true, and that you could probably study this, is that word spreads about bad movies faster because of Twitter and social media and Facebook and everything like that. That’s not critics. That’s just people being people.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And so it’s a slightly faster version of what’s always happened. And it’s maybe harder to hide a bad movie for very long, which I think explains why movies can drop off so quickly and especially bad movies can drop off so quickly, but that’s not critics. It’s just reality.

**Craig:** It’s just reality. And first of all, we don’t even know if these movies are good or bad based on these things anyway. So a Box Office bomb doesn’t mean you’re a bad movie. There have been famous Box Office bombs that are amazing movies. Blade Runner was a Box Office bomb, was it not?

**John:** I think it was a disappointment at least.

**Craig:** Yeah. I mean, so that in and of itself doesn’t mean good or bad. But yeah, it seems to me like a company puts a trailer out for a movie, people watch the movie, they go on Twitter, they go bananas in their hatred of the trailer, and every film critic is on Twitter going, “Well, I’m pretty sure I’m going to hate this. Everybody else seems to hate it. I’m not blind and deaf, you know.”

**John:** Yup.

**Craig:** So here’s a new headline for Todd Cunningham’s article, “Movie Critics Reading Twitter.” [laughs]. Stupid.

**John:** Stupid.

**Craig:** So stupid.

**John:** Yeah, it’s not great.

**Craig:** Come on, Todd.

**John:** All right. Next topic. The WGA sent out a list of proposed constitutional changes to its membership.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** There are three things in the constitutional changes. Craig and I have not discussed them whatsoever, so I don’t even know what Craig’s opinions of these things are.

**Craig:** Exciting.

**John:** Yeah. I will tell you that on the day this podcast comes out on Tuesday, January 19th, there’s an informational meeting. So if you’re a WGA member who wants to informationally meet about these things, it’s 7 pm at the 3rd and Fairfax main building in the conference room.

**Craig:** No one is going to go there.

**John:** No one is going to go to that.

**Craig:** That meeting is constitutionally required and nobody ever goes.

**John:** Obligatory. So let’s pretend we are at this meeting and we’re having this discussion. [laughs] There are three things that are being proposed, three amendments.

**Craig:** Yes.

**John:** I will start from amendment three and work my way back to amendment one which I think is the reason — the only one we’re going to have disagreement on.

**Craig:** Yes.

**John:** Amendment three, reducing the number of signatures that a candidate needs to be nominated by petition. So essentially, if you are going for the Board of Directors, it reduces how many signatures you have to get on your petition or your application, whatever you want to call that to be considered.

**Craig:** It used to be 25 signatures, now it’s 15. Obviously, those 10 signatures are going to really make a difference — I mean, come on, who cares? It doesn’t even matter. Like if you need 25 signatures in today’s day and age with social media and you can’t find 25 signatures, it means you can’t find one signature. It literally means your mom won’t even sign it. So 25, 15, 1, who cares? If you want to run for the Board and you’re a member in good standing, just go ahead and run.

**John:** Yeah, go ahead and run.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Amendment two, reducing from 16 to 12 the number of candidates the Board Nominating Committee is required to nominate. You and I have both served on the Board Nominating Committee so this is — basically, every time there are like eight seats open, we have to get 16 people to run for those seats and that can be challenging. So what is your feeling about reducing this number?

**Craig:** It’s a little bit of a mixed bag, but I get it. I mean, what ends up happening is the nominating committee will put forward 16 candidates, some of whom are legitimate and have a shot and are good, and some of whom are just either cannon fodder or we just need to fill out the spaces, you know?

The problem with reducing it is just that there is a sense that if you’re not nominated by the committee you’re not a real candidate. But I don’t think that that’s the way the directional arrow works. I think it’s more that it’s people who are legitimate then ultimately end up getting nominated by the committee, not vice-versa. People that you know have a lot of support, have stature, and are likely to get elected are then people that the NomCom will always nominate.

So I don’t see reducing the burden on the nominating committee so they’re not stuck, it’s not a bad thing. I don’t have a problem with that. I mean, if the nominating committee puts out — what is it? Instead of 16, what is it down to?

**John:** 12.

**Craig:** 12, and nobody else runs on petition, so you have 12 candidates for eight seats. I’m okay with that.

**John:** Yeah, I guess I’m okay with it too.

Having been the person who had to twist some arms to get people to run, I know, it’s this weird thing where like — you don’t actually say this, but like, “Would you please run? Because I promise you won’t get elected.” Which is the weirdest thing, but like sometimes you are throwing some people in there just like — just to fill stuff out. And when those people don’t get elected, they’re sort of relieved not to get elected. And that’s not really good for anyone either.

The only thing I would say that is good about when you have to find 16 people is like sometimes it makes you think past your obvious choices and like — I’ve had to go really deep and like, “What writers do I know who actually I think could maybe do this job? And I’ve reached out to people who I haven’t talked to in years to try to get them to run and they’ve thought seriously about running.” So that could be a good thing.

**Craig:** Yeah, I agree. I don’t think that this rule will change much, to be honest with you. I think that the — for instance, the nominating committee that you and I are both on, I feel like we actually nominated more people than we had to.

So a lot of people want to run. I think, you know, if somebody comes in and says, “Look, I got the 15 signatures, you want to nominate me?” “Yeah, sure.” The truth is the voting population, they have no clue who gets — it doesn’t really matter.

**John:** Nope, it doesn’t.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Finally, amendment one, increases from two to three years the length of the terms of the board members and officers and modifies the election cycle and term limits provisions accordingly.

**Craig:** Right. So this one, I’m not such a big fan of. Everybody serves for two years. On the Board, everybody serves for two years as an officer. Here is the value. The value is, well, A, fewer elections. The value is that once they begin this thing, it’s set up in such a way that there won’t be an election during a negotiation year so you’re not having elections conflicting with the, you know, membership votes on contract.

It provides more stability for staff. They don’t have to wonder like, “Who’s going to be president, you know, in two years?” They can wait maybe there’ll be a new president in three years. Because that’s a whole thing for them like —

**John:** Yeah, sure.

**Craig:** You know, whose in-charge of this place, and that’s fine.

Here’s what I don’t like personally. I don’t care that it’s annoying to have elections during contract season. Tough. I don’t like the idea that we’re going to get — look, here’s what it really comes down to. There are two types of union politicians for writers. There’s the kind that is dynamic and wants to change things and has great ideas and is positive and has skin on the game and is aware of what’s going on in the world. And then there is the kind that is just bored and looking for something to do and really likes sitting in a room making “decisions.”

There have been a ton of bad, bad Board members and some bad officers as well. And frankly, there’s more bad ones than good. I don’t know how else to put it. And the idea of extending the lifespan of some of those terrible ones just makes me, ugh, I don’t like it.

**John:** Yeah. To me, it comes down to the question of quality of candidates as well. And I think that sometimes you’re able to get really great people to serve for two years that wouldn’t be willing to try to serve for three years, and that’s just the reality. And so I would rather have to vote one-and-a-half times more often and get good people in there and get bad people out of there than to have people in there for three years.

**Craig:** I totally agree. I don’t mind reading the pamphlet once a year for eight Board candidates. I don’t mind reading the pamphlet once every two years for officers. It’s hard for me to go to a working screenwriter and say, “I need a three-year commitment from you.” Two years is hard enough, you know.

So where you’re going to end up is you’re going to end up with moving our system, I think, closer to what you see like, I don’t know, with the jury system where it’s a lot of retirees or people that don’t have quite as much going on. Because, you know, people who are busy just can’t commit to three years. They can’t.

How do you say to a writer/director or writer/producer or a writer that’s getting stuff made, “I need you for three years?” “Well, there’s, I don’t know, a 50 percent chance that I’m going to be on location for a chunk of time in the next three years, how can I agree?” It just doesn’t make sense. I don’t like it.

I’m not going to vote yes on that one. I got to talk to some people — I got to find out like what — I want to talk to Billy Ray about this and find out like why this is necessary. It just feels dumb to me.

**John:** I think Billy Ray is an example of a kind of person who you do want to keep around for longer. I mean, as long as you can have Billy Ray on the Board, you’d be delighted to have it. He’ll get termed out more quickly because of — if this doesn’t change.

**Craig:** Yeah, but here’s the thing, Billy, yes you’re right. But there’s so many more bads than goods. And the good ones —

**John:** Agree.

**Craig:** Can influence things regardless. Billy can be the chairman of the negotiating committee forever.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** He doesn’t have to be a Board member to do that. Well, he could be the co-chair or the effective chair. I mean, my point is there’s other ways. And frankly, we need new people anyway. We can’t just have Billy do it over and over and over again.

**John:** Agreed. Let’s talk about Negotiating Committee and sort of negotiations and trying to schedule in a way so that we don’t have an election during a possible negotiation. To me, it feels like negotiation isn’t really that time where we’re sitting in a room opposite the other people, it’s really that year leading up to it.

It becomes so long. You don’t really know sort of when the bulk of that work is going to be anyway and when the strategy and planning for that is going to happen. So I think, yes, you don’t want to change horses mid-stream, but like that’s — the stream is so wide now that you have to change horses at some point. And I don’t think it’s going to really matter whether it’s a two-year or a three-year thing.

**Craig:** No, I mean, the idea is that if you have — if I were Patric Verrone, I would love this idea, right? So I can be president for three years. I’m guaranteed to both run the lead up to negotiations and the negotiations and the aftermath of the negotiations and I cannot be interrupted.

**John:** Yep.

**Craig:** So it puts way more power in the hands of the president. Way more power in the hands of the president. And frankly, less power in the hands of the Board as I see it, because it also puts more power in the hands of the executive director. Because if the executive director and the president are close, as is often the case, then the executive director — the one bit of leverage that the civil oversight has in our guild is that you can fire the executive director, which we have done.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** If you got, you know, a friendly president, that’s three more years of job security. If that guy can run again, usually incumbents win, and now you’ve got six years of job security. It’s too much job security.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It is. I don’t like it.

**John:** I don’t like it either.

All right. So that was our quick take on these things. Again, you could go to the meeting or you could also just read other people’s follow-up. There are arguments, of course, in favor of all these things. And so, you’ll get the packet and you’ll be able to look through why they did what they did, and why they’re proposing these things.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Cool. All right. Our last bit is some craft stuff which has been saved up for, god, many, many episodes. But I want to talk about character names, not basically how you pick character names but how you tell the audience what the names of the characters are. Because in a screenplay, obviously you’re reading it, obviously you know all the characters’ names because you’re reading their name above every bit of dialogue. But if you’re watching a movie, you don’t necessarily know what the characters’ names are. And sometimes, that’s fine.

I was thinking back through my own movies and in the middle section of Go, the characters that James Duval and Breckin Meyer played — Breckin plays a character named Tiny. James Duval’s character’s name is Singh. You wouldn’t really know it in the movie because no one ever calls them by name, and it’s fine. But in other cases, it really is very important that you know who the character is because people are referring to a character who is not even on screen.

So I want to talk through the ways you can introduce the names of characters to an audience who’s just seeing the movie and who’s not reading on the script.

**Craig:** Great idea.

**John:** Cool. Easiest way to do it is simple introduction. There might be some reason why a character introduces himself to another character. So, in Go, Burke says, “Hey, I’m Burke.” And Ronna goes, “Ronna.” And therefore, you’ve established Burke’s name and you already knew what Ronna’s name was. But that’s the simple way to do it.

**Craig:** And these things do happen. They don’t happen frequently. In life, when people meet, usually somebody’s introducing you to somebody or — but you know, occasionally, people — you’ve probably had that experience where you’re talking with somebody on a plane or something. I mean, I don’t talk to people on planes, ever, but maybe you do. And after 10 minutes, one person finally goes, “By the way, John.” And the other person goes, “Oh. Craig.”

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** That can happen. I mean, people do introduce each other.

I see in — a lot of times I’ll read screenplays where people are just introducing each other. They’re just shouting each other’s names out almost like they have Tourette’s. It’s crazy. So you just got to be careful that it doesn’t feel forced and stupid.

**John:** Yeah. It should only be a situation in which it would naturally would come up. And if it all feels forced to do it, I would say, don’t do it.

The next most natural way to do it or common way to do it is just the simple question and answer where someone asks another character what their name is and they reply. And therefore you’ve established the names.

So in the last Star Wars, the question is like, “Oh, what’s your name?” And he says, “FN2817.” “I’m going to call you, Finn.”

Okay. You’ve just established the character’s name, and it’s actually a plot point. Like, we don’t — this character didn’t have a name and he’s now been given a name. And for the rest of the movie and for the rest of the franchise, his name will be Finn because of this scene that happens in a tire fighter.

**Craig:** Yeah. Very cool. Giving somebody a name is a great way to learn somebody’s name, for sure. But it doesn’t come up often. I guess what’ll underlie a lot of these suggestions is just as we’re constantly looking for ways to vary exposition or make it gentle or elegant, we do the same thing with names. We’re always looking for these little tricks of ways to not just — not feel like the record needle is skipping.

**John:** Yep. Third way. Character A calls character B by name. And so it’s that thing where in talking with somebody, you use their name and that’s how a name comes out. And so that’s the “Damn it, McGonagall” way of establishing who somebody is in the scene by having another character say their name aloud.

**Craig:** This is the one that is the hardest to pull off well.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Because generally speaking, we don’t say the other person’s name when we’re talking to them. If I’m talking to you and I know you, we presume that we know each other’s names. It’s so rare for me to say, “You know, John.” “Oh, you know what I think, John?” [laughs] It just — it doesn’t — we don’t do it that much.

**John:** You do it more often if there are multiple people talking where you actually have to direct something to somebody, then you might use their name to pull their attention back. Or pull their attention if they’re doing something else. You might say, “John, look at this.”

**Craig:** Yes. And where I think that we probably the great majority of times we say somebody’s name is when we’re talking to a different person about them.

**John:** Yep.

**Craig:** This is, I think, the easiest way to introduce names is for somebody to look at somebody else and go, “What’s with John?” “What’s with her?” “Did you hear about John?” That sort of thing generally helps.

Of course, the other way of introducing characters’ names is to introduce it, well, we’re going to get to that. That’s the last one. I don’t want to give it away.

**John:** A version of what Craig just described is that sense of like you refer to somebody by name who you’ve not met yet. And then, generally, in the next scene, you meet that person. So you’ve established the expectation of going to — that you’ll meet this person and then you actually see the person.

So in Go, that’s the conversation about the skipping over to Simon to by the drugs. They say like, “Oh, I don’t need Simon, I’m going to Todd.” And the question, “Todd Gaines?” And in the next scene like, we’re at Todd Gaines’ apartment. And that sort of establishes like “Oh, his name is Todd Gaines.” And that’s useful and helpful.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** The final way is to literally show the name like to have it printed out someplace. So classically on a door, a mysterious slip of paper, there’s something with a name written down which will become important.

**Craig:** Yeah. You see this all the time. Look, here’s the truth of this — it’s funny. On the script that I’ve written for Lindsay Doran, after I don’t know how many drafts, she said, “You know, we never hear this character’s name.” I was like, “Oh. Well, I guess we’ll have to figure out a place to do it without seeming clunky.”

The truth is, a lot of times when I watch movies, I think, certain characters, I don’t need to know a name because they’re personality is kind of their name, you know, if they’re side characters. So I wouldn’t obsess over name stuff. But obviously, for your main characters, you just have to figure out how to work it in without seeming clunky.

**John:** Absolutely. And so while you’re working it in, particularly for your main characters, it’s important enough that you find a good way to do it naturally early on because, I think, if it’s a main character who I don’t know their name for like 20 minutes, I get really kind of frustrated. And something bubbles up that says like, “Hey, wait. I don’t even know who that character’s name is. I don’t have like a box to put my information about that character in.”

For minor characters, I agree. Sometimes it’s not even worth worrying about because any chance to like really force that out is going to feel weird. Ask yourself, you know, if the audience never knows that character’s name, will it impact their enjoyment of the movie?

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** If the truth is it doesn’t, then it just doesn’t.

**Craig:** Exactly. It just doesn’t matter. It’s like, you know, it’s funny. We always watch The Ref. Every Christmas, I watch The Ref with Melissa because we love it. And Christine Baranski, I can never remember her character’s name and it doesn’t matter. She’s crazy screamy aunt something. [laughs] Like, you know, that’s — she’s just great. And so it doesn’t matter what her name is. I just know that she’s the sister and she’s crazy.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Yeah. Sister-in-law and she’s crazy.

**John:** Yeah. Cool. All right. I think it’s time for our One Cool Things.

**Craig:** All right.

**John:** My One Cool Thing is called Ghost Streets of Los Angeles. It’s a blog post that looks at Google satellite imagery of streets in Los Angeles. And what you’ll notice if you sort of zoom in and zoom out, there — most of Los Angeles is on a pretty clear grid. But there’s sometimes, there’ll be weird buildings that are, I don’t know, strange diagonal and you can sort of follow that diagonal. Even though there’s not a street there, it feels like there’s this weird diagonal throughout Los Angeles in different places. And those are because there used to be streets there.

And so what this blog post is doing is it’s looking at some of these ghost streets that are no longer existing streets but used to be streets and how they’ve changed the property lines of different buildings. And so you can see sort of — you we can basically follow where there used to be streets that are no longer there.

**Craig:** That’s creepy.

**John:** It’s actually kind of cool.

**Craig:** It’s creepy.

**John:** Creepy. And it reminds me sort of in screenwriting, a lot of times, you’ll see a movie and you’re like, “Why is that thing there?” It’s because of like a much earlier draft. There’s a reason why that was there. And like the underlying causes are not there anymore, but you still see like the echo of a previous draft being in there still.

**Craig:** Right. A ghost scene.

**John:** Cool.

**Craig:** Exactly. Okay. That’s interesting. Well, my One Cool Thing is One Sad Thing.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Vilmos Zsigmond, the great cinematographer, passed away on January 1, 2016. Which in a way is kind of — if you’re going to die, die on the first of a new year just so you get that extra year on your grave stone.

**John:** Sure.

**Craig:** So he was the cinematographer behind these incredible movies, most of which dominated the ’70s. He was very — I was thinking of his movies and his work as being very ’70s. McCabe and Mrs. Miller, Deliverance, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, The Deer Hunter, Heaven’s Gate, Blow Out.

And you know, there’s that period of ’70s movies that we, you know, all cinephiles kind of adore. And I always think of him when I think of those because he was this uniting piece across all these incredible directors like Robert Altman and Steven Spielberg and Michael Cimino. And he had this — all of it’s wizardry to me.

I don’t understand cinematography. I mean, I understand what I see, I just don’t understand how they do it. So it’s kind of fun to watch them and not know what the hell they’re doing.

**John:** When you’re on the set and you see them like setting flags and cutting — I just have no idea what they’re actually doing. And like, they’ll spend like five minutes like tweaking things. I just don’t understand what they’re doing.

**Craig:** I have no idea. I don’t know what — I honestly don’t know what stops are. [laughs] I don’t know —

**John:** I know what stops are.

**Craig:** Okay. You know what stops are. I don’t. I mean, I know the difference between long lenses and wide lenses, but I don’t understand all the other stuff they’re doing back, all of it. I don’t get it.

But there was something about — so Zsigmond, he had this style that seems so real in the sense that movies, you know, can be very candy-coated. They can be very glossy. They can look like movies. They can have that shine to them. There was something about his cinematography where it always just looked like I was actually there.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It was drab in a beautiful way. It felt like naked eye to me. He was so good at that and it was so perfect for that time and those movies. I mean, McCabe and Mrs. Miller was, you know, didn’t want to be like those —

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** You know, old westerns or something. It wanted to look like that, like you were there. So a big fan of his. Sad to see him go. And so, adieu. Adios.

**John:** Adieu. Great. Craig, it was nice to have you back on the show.

**Craig:** Well, thank you.

**John:** It’s so good to — it’s good to be back in our normal environments here.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Our show is produced by Stuart Friedel.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** It’s edited by Matthew Chilelli. Our outro this week is by Mary Webb. If you have an outro you’d like us to play at the end of our episode, you can write in with the link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place to send questions like the ones we answered at the top of the show.

On Twitter, I’m @johnaugust. Craig is @clmazin. If you want to come to our live show on January 25th with Jason Bateman and Larry Kasdan, you can probably still get tickets at hollywoodheart.org/upcoming.

If you would like to leave us a comment in iTunes, we would much appreciate it. That helps people find the show. Just search for Scriptnotes in iTunes.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And that’s our show for this week.

**Craig:** Awesome.

**John:** Craig, thank you so much.

**Craig:** Thank you, John.

**John:** Bye.

**Craig:** Bye.

Links:

* [Mexican Coke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mexican_Coke), [New Coke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Coke) and [the history of Coca-Cola](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coca-Cola#History) on Wikipedia
* Bacterial vaginosis [at the Center for Disease Control](http://www.cdc.gov/std/bv/stdfact-bacterial-vaginosis.htm) and [on Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bacterial_vaginosis)
* [Vaginal douching](http://www.webmd.com/women/guide/vaginal-douching-helpful-or-harmful) on WebMD
* [Scriptnotes, 112: Let me give you some advice](http://johnaugust.com/2013/let-me-give-you-some-advice) and [Dear J.J. Abrams](http://www.dearjjabrams.com/)
* [Star Wars: The Force Awakens](http://www.boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=starwars7.htm) on Box Office Mojo
* [Get your tickets now for Scriptnotes, Live on January 25](http://hollywoodheart.org/upcoming/) with [Jason Bateman](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jason_Bateman) and [Lawrence Kasdan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence_Kasdan), a benefit for [Hollywood HEART](http://hollywoodheart.org)
* [ScriptBook](http://scriptbook.io/) and [The startup story of Scriptbook](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COOQU-8S_yM)
* [Box Office Shocker: Movie Reviews Matter in 2015](http://www.thewrap.com/box-office-shocker-movie-reviews-matter-in-2015/) from The Wrap
* [WGA Asks Members To Amend Guild’s Constitution](http://deadline.com/2015/12/wga-members-considering-guild-constitutional-amendments-1201673993/) on Deadline
* [Ghost Streets of Los Angeles](http://www.bldgblog.com/2015/12/ghost-streets-of-los-angeles/) on BLDGBLOG
* Vilmos Zsigmond on [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vilmos_Zsigmond), [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005936/) and [remembered in Variety](http://variety.com/2016/film/news/vilmos-zsigmond-dead-dies-cinematographer-1201670799/)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Mary Webb ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))

Scriptnotes, Ep 231: Room, Spotlight and The Big Short — Transcript

January 12, 2016 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](http://johnaugust.com/2016/room-spotlight-and-the-big-short).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August. And this is Episode 231 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Today on the program we will be looking at three movies that are getting a lot of attention this award season — Room, Spotlight, and The Big Short. And we will discuss how they work on a story level. We’re also going to discuss what we learned in 2015 that we’ll be carrying with us into the New Year.

Craig is off on assignment. He’s in New York finally seeing Hamilton, so he can stop talking about Hamilton. So to fill in today we have two special guests from previous episodes of Scriptnotes. First off, Aline Brosh McKenna is the co-creator of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and the screenwriter of so many movies, including The Devil Wears Prada.

Welcome, Aline.

**Aline Brosh McKenna:** Woot-woot.

**John:** Next up, Rawson Marshall Thurber is a writer and director whose credits include DodgeBall, Mysteries of Pittsburgh, We’re the Millers, and the upcoming Central Intelligence. Welcome back, Rawson Marshall Thurber.

**Rawson Marshall Thurber:** Thank you, happy to be here.

**John:** I have to use all three of your names because —

**Rawson:** [laughs]

**John:** Aline, do you always use your three names?

**Aline:** Professionally, I do.

**John:** Yeah.

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** Me too, professionally.

**John:** You do, too? Yeah.

**Rawson:** Yeah.

**John:** I was always surprised when I heard that Marshall part of your name.

**Rawson:** It’s strange. It’s definitely strange. I didn’t realize how strange it was until I did it for the first time on DodgeBall and then I got made fun of a bunch and I think it was too late and so I just sort of stuck with it.

**John:** Do you ever say Marshall aloud or only as a printed credit?

**Rawson:** Almost only as a printed credit. But I do use my initials, RMT, when I’m signing something off or stuff like that.

**John:** Sounds good.

**Rawson:** Yeah.

**John:** So before we get into these three movies, I wanted to talk through some stuff about the year that just passed. So we are now in 2016, which seems impossible. So a bunch of movies came out in 2015, but a bunch of movies came out in 2014 and I thought we might play a little game where I’m going to ask you the title of a movie and you can tell me if it came out in 2015 or 2014.

**Rawson:** Oh, wow, okay.

**John:** Do you think you can do this, Aline?

**Aline:** Hmm.

**John:** All right. So do you want to start? I’m going to ask you.

**Aline:** Sure.

**John:** The Cobbler.

**Aline:** It came out this year.

**John:** All right, you’re correct.

**Rawson:** Wait a minute now.

**John:** Yes.

**Aline:** Because I think Adam —

**Rawson:** You mean this year, you mean 2015?

**Aline:** ’15, yeah.

**Rawson:** Okay.

**Aline:** Because I think Adam Sandler had three movies come out this year.

**John:** Yeah, he did. And this was one of them.

**Aline:** Cobbler, the nine whatever — what’s that movie? The Magnificent Nine — the Ridiculous 6.

**Rawson:** Ridiculous 6.

**Aline:** The Ridiculous 6.

**John:** Ridiculous 6 and then he also the Drew Barrymore one, or was that the year before?

**Aline:** No, there’s one more and it was —

**John:** Oh, Grown Ups 2. Yeah, so it’s all confusing.

**Aline:** Okay.

**John:** The Cobbler is also directed by Tom McCarthy who directed Spotlight, so that’s part of the reason why it’s so interesting to have that movie come up.

**Rawson:** Mm-hmm.

**John:** So we’ll answer ’15 or ’14.

**Rawson:** Okay.

**John:** All right. Focus, Will Smith.

**Rawson:** Oh, ’15.

**John:** Right. Horns. Aline Brosh McKenna, do you remember Horns? That’s the Daniel Radcliffe grows horns movie.

**Aline:** Never heard of it.

**John:** Rawson, do you know the answer? Can you steal this one?

**Rawson:** I think I know that movie. I believe it was — I think it was ’15.

**John:** It was ’14.

**Rawson:** Ah!

**John:** Oh! Black or White with Chris Rock. Rawson Marshall Thurber.

**Rawson:** I don’t know this one. Aline?

**Aline:** That’s not the movie that he did that was —

**John:** I think it was Julie Delpy who directed it.

**Aline:** Oh, I don’t know that one. The last Chris Rock movie I saw was the one with Rosario Dawson. And that was ’14, I think.

**John:** Yeah. Black or White was 2015. Yeah. Or it could be I’ve got the title completely wrong and it’s not even the right movie.

**Aline:** [laughs]

**John:** The Boy Next Door. Rawson Marshall Thurber.

**Rawson:** The Boy Next Door?

**John:** Jennifer Lopez.

**Rawson:** Oh, that was my — just a guilty pleasure. I knew this one. Yeah. [laughs]

**John:** ’15 or ’14?

**Rawson:** The Odyssey. Right, ’15.

**John:** ’15 is correct. Ouija, Aline Brosh McKenna?

**Aline:** ’14.

**John:** You’re right.

**Rawson:** That was good one.

**John:** Stick with you with Horrible Bosses 2.

**Aline:** ’14.

**John:** Correct.

**Rawson:** Mm-hmm.

**John:** Rawson, The Hundred-Foot Journey.

**Rawson:** The Hundred-Foot Journey, this is the —

**John:** Helen Mirren.

**Rawson:** Yeah, Helen Mirren. It’s not the hotel one, right?

**John:** No, it’s not —

**Rawson:** It’s essentially the same —

**John:** Essentially same idea.

**Rawson:** I’ve got a 50-50 shot, right? I’ll say 2015.

**John:** It was ’14.

**Rawson:** Am I winning?

**John:** I don’t know. We —

**Rawson:** I think I’m losing. I think I’m down at least a point at this point. Wait, you’re not even keeping score? [laughs]

**John:** I’m not really keeping score.

**Rawson:** Why are we doing it then?

**Aline:** We’ll have to go back. We’ll go back.

**Rawson:** Why are —

**John:** We’ll go back and check the transcript and figure out who —

**Aline:** I’ve seen the prize. It’s really good.

**Rawson:** Have Stuart figure it —

**John:** It’s pretty amazing.

**Rawson:** Because I want to win.

**John:** Aline, Hot Tub Time Machine 2.

**Aline:** ’15.

**John:** You’re right.

**Rawson:** That’s a good one.

**John:** Was it a good movie?

**Rawson:** No, no, I mean it’s a good question.

**John:** It’s a good question.

**Rawson:** That’s really —

**John:** Yeah, it’s really on —

**Rawson:** Because when you asked Horrible Bosses 2, that’s a tough one because that came out Thanksgiving 2014.

**John:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** So that’s like right in the danger zone of —

**John:** That dangerous pocket.

**Rawson:** Yeah.

**John:** Rawson, Annie.

**Rawson:** Oh, 2014.

**John:** You’re right. Aline, you worked on Annie, so you —

**Aline:** I did.

**John:** You would know that one, so I gave it to him. Final one, Run All Night. Do you know it?

**Rawson:** Yeah, I know it. It was 2015.

**John:** It was 2015. What is that movie?

**Rawson:** I don’t want to say it’s a Taken knockoff. But it is essentially that. I think it does have Liam Neeson in it and I believe a very sort of talented director whose name escapes me. And I think he’s not an American. And it’s a thriller chase piece where Liam Neeson needs to, I believe, clear his name and/or rescue someone. And it’s at night time.

**John:** Oh, because —

**Rawson:** And there’s a lot of running. I saw pieces of it. And it’s beautifully shot.

**John:** All right. According to Wikipedia, Run All Night is a 2015 American action gangster crime thriller written by Brad Ingelsby and directed by Jaume Collet-Serra, starring Liam Neeson, Joel Kinnaman, Common, Ed Harris. It was released on March 13th, 2015.

**Rawson:** Wow.

**John:** Wow.

**Rawson:** Okay.

**John:** So before we get into these movies —

**Rawson:** I won, though.

**John:** I think Rawson may have won. I don’t know.

**Aline:** No. I think I was just in there going ’14, ’15.

**Rawson:** [laughs]

**Aline:** ’14.

**John:** All right. So we’re going to have Stuart check the transcript and figure out who won that game.

**Aline:** Okay.

**John:** Before we start with our movies from this past year, I want to talk over sort of general lessons we may have learned from 2015 or things we’ve noticed in the industry or the business that we are in and sort of what they might indicate about where 2016 is headed.

And so, something I noticed from my side is I feel like we may be nearing the end of sort of classic studio development. So when I started as a screenwriter, it was common for a film studio to have a big slate of things in development. And there might be 30 projects that were in different stages. I just don’t know that that’s going to happen or continue to happen anymore because as I go in and pitch on projects, granted there’s some selection bias, it’s the kind of things I’ve being brought in to pitch on, feels like they’re not even going to bother developing these movies because they have no spot to release them.

You look at, you know, the Disney label, it has all the Marvel films, it has all the Star Wars films. There’s no more spots to develop for. And I feel like, increasingly, all the studios are going to be in a similar situation. Aline, Rawson, do you notice anything like that?

**Aline:** I mean, I remember around the time of the strike people were saying the whole movie business is going to move towards branded entertainment and, you know, theme park kind of movies. And I was always the person saying that’s ridiculous, that’ll never happen.

The people that we know, you know, who we came up with, our school of screenwriters, by and large are working on some kind of branded entertainment. It’s much more difficult to get things through now that not that that are original scripts. The ones that are getting through that are originals are writer-directors like Rawson’s movie, you know, some other people that we can name. And, you know, now that business is dominated by your David Russell, your Alexander Payne. You know, writer-directors, I think, are developing the kind of character-driven, smaller movies that I came up writing, you came up writing.

But I often think about my friends who are so brilliant, so many of them are taking their genius and kind of using it to really elevate these genre pieces and these branded pieces. And that’s great in certain respects because those movies now are much better than they have any business being. But I miss the movies that those men and women would have made if they were focusing on or at least alternating those movies with the more personal original pieces.

**John:** Rawson, I see you setting up projects left and right. And you probably, at least since We’re the Millers, at least six new projects got set up someplace.

**Rawson:** Yes, it’s in that ballpark, yeah.

**John:** So it is still happening. You’re the kind of person who’s getting these things set up.

**Rawson:** Mm-hmm.

**John:** And We’re the Millers was a long time development project.

**Rawson:** Mm-hmm.

**John:** I just wonder if right now We’re the Milllers would have sold and if it would have gotten made.

**Rawson:** That’s a great question. I don’t know. I mean, it’s been a while since I’ve been on the spec market in that regard. So I really don’t know who’s buying and necessarily what they’re buying. I think your take on it is pretty accurate, that each of these studios sort of following — I mean, frankly, following Marvel’s lead, are desperate to create what they would call a cinematic universe, even where one doesn’t quite exist.

And you look at Disney of course and they’re buying cinematic universes, right? They buy Marvel, they buy Lucas. And even like Universal, right, they’re trying to do that with their monsters, right, with Dracula and Werewolf, the Mummy, et cetera. And Warner Bros. is playing a little catch-up in the DC cinematic universe. So I think you’re absolutely right. Like the opportunity, the slots, I think is what they call them, available for a true spec or something that’s not based on IP, I mean, that bull’s eye is getting smaller and smaller and further and further away.

You know, I just had a really interesting meeting at this sort of new insta studio called STX, run by Adam Fogelson and a few other smart folks. And their whole model is we don’t develop, right? [laughs] Their whole model is, “Bring us a script that you love and if we love it, we’re going to make it. And we’ll tell you how much we’ll spend on it and we’ll tell you how we’re going to market it and we’ll tell you what we’ll put in it or who we need to put in it.” But, yeah, the sort of traditional, “Hey, I got an idea for this or what about this script,” I’m not sure that exists in the same way that it used to.

**Aline:** Well, it exists in a very different way. You know, when we’ve been getting the screeners and we have two piles, we have the Fast and Furious pile and the Infinitely Polar Bear pile.

**Rawson:** [laughs] Yeah.

**Aline:** And those are the two kinds of movies now. And it’s shocking how much you get a screener and they go into one of those two piles. It’s very rare, you know, those movies like The Martian, Argo, a few years ago, which are big studio movies that are character-based, not IP-driven, very, very small pile.

**Rawson:** Mm-hmm.

**Aline:** Very small pile.

**John:** Well, if you want to look at whether it would be The Town or Black Mass, like Warner Bros. makes one sort of like Boston crime thriller a year.

**Aline:** [laughs]

**John:** That’s a slot. I mean, it’s basically like it’s either Ben Affleck or somebody like Ben Affleck making that movie.

**Rawson:** Right.

**John:** They’re going to do one of those per year. And so they’re sort of done. They’re not going to make another big character drama that’s going to, you know, go in the fall. That’s their one thing.

**Rawson:** Right. And they’re not making that movie without Ben Affleck. And they’re not making that movie without Johnny Depp. So, you know, it’s not a big roll of the dice for them. I mean, they’re paying, you know, a reasonable number by their estimation for a movie with a big star that could break out. I mean, that’s not chancy.

**John:** But let’s talk about the things you set up recently —

**Rawson:** Sure.

**John:** Because were they all based on IP or were some of them just ideas?

**Rawson:** Well, let’s see. A couple of them were IP and one was an original idea. And I think it does help when, like on the one that was an original idea, I had a very experienced producer, Scott Stuber. I had a great screenwriter named Pete Correale and we had a really commercial sort of high concept idea. And I was — am and was attached as the director, so we sold that to Lionsgate.

So when you come in with sort of your bases loaded like that, it’s an easier thing for I think a studio to say yes to. And we weren’t trying to sell something that was obscure or difficult. You could kind of, as they say, sort of see the poster on it. So it was an easier sell there.

The other thing I sold, it was based on a very kind of obscure tabletop game. When I was eight years old, I used to play like this and I think the people I was selling it to felt the same way. And it was a relatively inexpensive purchase on the rights side for them. But at least it had some IP, which I thought was kind of interesting because it’s not an IP that most people know, and yet it still has value.

**Aline:** And if 10 years ago I told you that you were selling movies based on tabletop games —

**Rawson:** [laughs] It would be hard to believe. Hard to believe.

**Aline:** Yeah. I’m taking out a Cribbage pitch. [laughs]

**John:** Yeah. It’s going to be great.

**Rawson:** My favorite games.

**John:** Yeah. Like don’t get pegged. I mean, you know, is one of the characters named Peg?

**Rawson:** Yeah. [laughs]

**John:** It’s going to be good. It’s going to be a race.

**Rawson:** Yeah. You’re going to get skunked.

**John:** You’re going to make your 15s, your 5s and all that, yeah.

**Rawson:** Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, it was a combo. But I think your earlier point on the We’re the Millers, because that was a script that existed — it was sold 10 years before I came on, roughly, eight or so. And I think there’s still room for high concept comedy on the spec market and on the pitch market just because it’s something that you’re essentially selling on the pitch side that you’re selling a knock-knock joke, right? You’re selling a clean premise that you get with what’s funny about that or what the friction is in the pitch.

And those aren’t particularly expensive to make. You know, if I was starting now and I wrote some sort of galactic space opera as a spec, not based on an IP or a YA novel, I mean you’re sliding uphill. I mean, that’s a real, real tough one.

**John:** I agree. Speaking of sliding uphill, one of the classic ways to get one of these movies made is to have a big star attached. But this was also the year where a lot of movies with big stars in it didn’t do anything. And we’ve always had some, you know, big star vehicles that didn’t work but it was surprising to me this last year how many movies came out that’s like, wow, I can’t believe that person can’t open that movie.

So you see that with Bradley Cooper in Burnt. You see that with Julia Roberts and Billy Ray’s movie, Secret in Their Eyes, a few other examples. I mean, Mortdecai —

**Rawson:** Mortdecai, you have it with Our Brand is Crisis. So the same weekend, right, Sandra Bullock in Our Brand is Crisis, right, and Bradley Cooper in Burnt, both came out the same weekend. They both did not perform as hoped for. And I was baffled. I asked everybody, like what is the lesson from this weekend. I asked, you know, the smartest people I know. And the response that I got was really interesting. It was like, “Oh, it doesn’t matter. That doesn’t count.” And I was like, “Well, why doesn’t it count?”

**Aline:** Well, I think it goes back to the William Goldman thing of, you know, the picture is the star. And I think, you know, some of the stars I’m, as a fan, desperate and hungry for them to make the movies that they made their names on, but as we’ve been discussing, it’s harder to get those movies made. So those character-driven dramas and comedies which, you know, a lot of the people you mentioned, you know, be it an Edward Scissorhands or an Erin Brockovich or The Proposal or, you know, those movies that those stars made that we loved, so much harder to get those made.

So again, I think those movies that we’re talking about that didn’t work were a little bit more in the Infinitely Polar Bear grouping of the, you know, smaller, more prestige movies. They went up for that ball because the big studio films are largely dominated now by superheroes. So the stars who don’t have a superhero franchise tend to not be in the bigger movies.

So this is particularly acute for women now because they’re just not making the movies that women became stars on. Jennifer Lawrence or Scarlett Johansson are really, you know, in my mind to be admired and rewarded because they are stars in interesting genres and are seeking out interesting work and — but it’s just difficult now to mint these stars in these movies I think when people do movies that are sort of in the shape that we enjoy seeking them in, then, you know, it does work.

**John:** Well, Our Brand is Crisis, when I saw the trailer, it’s like, “Oh, that’s totally going to work.” I mean I saw the materials for it. It’s like that’s a Sandra Bullock in a good Sandra Bullock role where she is the smartest person in the room but sort of overwhelmed. It felt like the right kind of movie. And the reviews didn’t help it certainly. And the reviews didn’t help any of these movies.

**Aline:** But it’s still, it’s a small political satire. So it’s in the small genre. I don’t think it was trying to tick the boxes of the — it was trying to tick the boxes of the kind of prestige, political —

**John:** A George Clooney kind of movie.

**Aline:** The George Clooney kind of movie. And so that’s just a very narrow needle to thread. And I think that people who are hardcore Sandra Bullock fans are kind of waiting for The Blind Side or The Proposal.

**Rawson:** Yeah. I had the same reaction that you do when I saw the trailer for it. I thought it looked good. I wanted to go see it, then the reviews certainly didn’t help. And that’s a David Gordon Green who’s a fantastic director. And then you also look at In the Heart of the Sea, right? It’s Chris Hemsworth and Ron Howard who’s, you know, First Ballot Hall of Famer. And that didn’t work. I loved that movie. I went and saw it with my family and just loved that picture.

But I think what Aline said is right which is — and it’s this sort of this cop out and kind of the answer that I got from the, you know, I asked a studio head and I asked a big fancy producer like what’s the lesson from this weekend, right? Our Brand is Crisis and Burnt, both underperforming significantly with two big stars, two of the biggest stars. And they both said essentially what Aline said which is like, “And those aren’t the right movies for them.” Like they’re stars in the right movie. If you put them in the right “vehicle” and the thing that we want to see them do, then they’re stars.

**John:** Yeah, but see I would say — I don’t think that’s fair. Because I think if you were to describe Bradley Cooper in that movie, Burnt, it’s like a comedy about a burnt out chef who’s like trying to get his business back together. It’s like, yeah, I could see Bradley Cooper’s charisma carrying that movie. And it didn’t seem to work that way. I feel like Ryan Reynolds gets slammed a lot for like, “Oh, he wasn’t able to open that movie.” It’s like, well, lots of stars aren’t able to open certain movies.

**Rawson:** Right. But yeah, what’s the old saying about stars, right, they’re parachutes where you pay them to open. And if they don’t, then what are they?

**John:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** You know. And so then you look at someone like Chris Pratt who’s super, super talented and really funny and he’s in two of the biggest films, you know, of recent memory.

**Aline:** But again, I would say and I adore Chris. I adore Chris Pratt, but the picture is the star.

**Rawson:** I guess that’s what I’m saying.

**Aline:** And so he’s in movies that, you know — but if you put Chris Pratt in the movie about the charismatic chef —

**Rawson:** Right.

**Aline:** What’s your result? So I think the audience is still looking for the movie to excite them. But I do think because we’re missing those kind of mid-range movies where — I mean if we go down the list of the biggest stars, Tom Cruise and Julia and Sandra and Brad Pitt, they all broke in these mid-range movies. I mean the first time I remember seeing Brad Pitt is in Thelma & Louise. And, you know, we just —

**Rawson:** Tell me about it.

**Aline:** [laughs] And we just are not — it is hard to mint these. And now the place we mint them is in the superhero movies. And so if you’re a star who doesn’t want to do that — I mean the other thing about stars I think is interesting is that they now have become products in a way that they weren’t before having to have a franchise, having to have some sort of corporate deal, you know, all the — they’re all modeling watches and, you know, expensive products and face creams because they are now sort of businesses in a different way than when they were our people.

**Rawson:** And what’s interesting about that is a star as being brand as opposed to actors, right? But I think that’s even become a bigger element I suppose now with Twitter and with Instagram that that connection, a star’s connection with his or her fans is so much more direct and such a big part of their connection with their audience and also how they sell a movie. Like sincerely like I’ve got Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson in Central Intelligence which is the movie that —

**Aline:** And Dwayne is one of the biggest, most famous.

**Rawson:** They both are.

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** They both are.

**Aline:** All right, they both are the top 10 for Instagram and Twitter.

**Rawson:** Yeah. Yeah.

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** And it’s amazing what they do to kind of connect and communicate with their fans. And that’s a huge, huge thing. And I think that speaks exactly to what you’re talking about of actors now becoming — movie stars becoming more willing to openly sell product. I’m not sure exactly what that connection is, but I think there is one in terms of like I’m not just an actor that you pay, you know, $13 to go see twice a year. You also get to interact with me every single day. And now I’m a human being with you and now you get to see me at my house. You get to see me, you know, walk my dog, et cetera, et cetera. Therefore, maybe that barrier to selling is less.

**Aline:** Well, it’s interesting because it’s also in the area of era of reality television.

**Rawson:** Right, that’s a really good point.

**Aline:** We’re expecting 360 access to these people.

**Rawson:** Yeah.

**Aline:** I then become a little nostalgic for the days of, you know, Meryl Streep and Dustin Hoffman —

**Rawson:** Right.

**Aline:** And Al Pacino and Sissy Spacek and, you know, showing up to the movies with this wonderful mystery about people.

**Rawson:** Yeah.

**Aline:** And I think that might swing back.

**John:** I think it may swing back, too.

**Rawson:** But I think that’s a really, really good point because the actors of yesteryear as it were, they kept mystery about them, right? So that when you went to see them in the theater, when you went to go see them perform, they could be somebody else. They could transform into a different character —

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** Because you didn’t know anything about them.

**John:** Well, look at Oscar Isaac who’s been in so many great movies this last year, but I don’t know anything about Oscar Isaac. And so the reason why I think he looks — he seems so different in every movie is because I just don’t know anything about him, so I have no baseline for sort of what he normally is. And so I can’t tell what’s acting and what’s actually him.

**Rawson:** Yeah.

**John:** It’s a really useful thing about the actors who we don’t know who they are, is that they can be just — we can project anything on to them.

**Rawson:** That’s an excellent point.

**John:** Any last observations from 2015 that you’re carrying with you into the New Year?

**Aline:** About the overall movie business?

**John:** The movie business, television.

**Aline:** I mean I was — you know, I think we got to say from our point of view is that everyone we know has migrated to television in some way, shape or form.

**John:** But this was your big year of television.

**Aline:** Yeah. I mean it was for me —

**John:** You have one of the most critically acclaimed shows and Rachel has a Golden Globe nomination.

**Rawson:** Congratulations.

**John:** It’s really amazing.

**Aline:** Thank you.

**Rawson:** Well earned.

**Aline:** But it was — you know, I was the last person to get on that bus because I had done TV early in my career and I kind of knew what it entailed. I didn’t gravitate towards it, but, you know, every screenwriter now that I know pretty much has some kind of television in development. And those sophisticated character-driven dramas and comedies by and large now are on television. And so it’s not surprising that a lot of writers are migrating there because they can tell the kinds of stories that movies used to tell routinely. And now you just struggle to get them made. And the TV business is hungry for those kinds of stories.

And one thing I’ve noticed which I think is interesting is that the difference between film executives now and television executives is that film executives are approaching their job much more like corporate executives. My husband works at a big mutual fund. And I’ve noticed that when I talk to movie people, they’re much more conscious of their stuff as product, how it’s going to work in the marketplace, how it’s being marketed, how it’s being monetized.

And television because there is so much niche stuff going on because people can go and make an excellent show on a streaming or cable in particular where they don’t have the same kind of financial exigencies, the executives in those businesses are much more driven by love of material, we’re doing this, I know this is outside of the box. I mean we’ve certainly benefitted tremendously, our show, has from people who just love the story, love the show. And that has been I think kneaded out of movie executives because they have to think now in these more corporate product terms. So in a funny way like the ’70s have moved from movies to television.

**John:** Something that I think you’re going to hear more about much more about this coming year is the reality of television, you kind of can’t lose money. And so one of the reasons why you see some low rated shows that stay on the air is because —

**Aline:** We’re trying to prove that wrong.

**John:** All right. [laughs] So your show is critically acclaimed but it’s not a big giant hit. And I think in another year, it would be much harder for you guys to have kept your back nine.

**Aline:** Yes.

**John:** And just keep going.

**Aline:** Yes.

**John:** But I thing which some much smarter people than I sort of showed the numbers on is that your studio and your network, they’re making money off your show even though it’s not a giant hit. And, you know, it’s worth it for them to sort of —

**Aline:** Well, we’re still in the network business so we have some of these exigencies really still pressing on us. But for the streaming and the cable things, I mean what’s interesting is that particularly for streaming, their programming is, you know, can function as a loss leader because it’s not their core business.

So it’s almost like a — it’s marketing. You know, it markets the rest of their business. And that comes from cable, but that’s particularly true in streaming. And so those show creators are really left to do what they want to do and what they’re encouraged to do is things that are provocative and —

**Rawson:** Make noise.

**Aline:** Make noise and nobody really looks at the numbers. I mean in the case of Netflix and Hulu, we don’t really even know what the numbers are.

**John:** Yeah.

**Aline:** That’s just really a seismic sea change. I can’t point to anything like that in the movie business because the studios are so squeezed with trying to make these kind of big IP movies and then if you’re trying to make an independent movie which was the path I was kind of going down before the show happened, in a funny way, that’s a more money-driven business even in the studios because those people need some assurances. They need cast, they need the budget to be low, low, low. So, you know, if you’re talking about making a prestige-driven or character-driven or, you know, something that would have been a Sydney Pollack movie, you’re now making that movie for $11 million with financing that you’ve cobbled together from six different entities and you’re shooting it in Croatia.

And so the TV business now has that thing of sort of, you know, people wanting to take chances and spend a little money on that. So that’s why you’re seeing this giant migration of people over there. That is just I think just an enormous trend for our business, as somebody who really only wrote screenplays for, you know, the majority of my career.

**John:** One of the things I’m curious about for 2016 is whether we’re going to finally just break and there’s for me like there’s so much television that you couldn’t possibly catch up. And so I feel like on a weekly basis, someone will bring up a new show or something new that I need to catch up on. And I have to just basically decide like, “Is this going to be part of my life or not part of my life at all?” because otherwise I just can’t — I just have to acknowledge I’ll never be watch that show because it’s not going to happen.

Most recent thing is Making a Murderer, the Netflix show which is apparently brilliant and I really want to watch it. But it’s a choice between watching that and watching —

**Aline:** But how great — I have to say, I totally, and the FOMO is insane.

**John:** Yeah.

**Aline:** And it’s, you know, you feel like I can’t — I didn’t watch that show. I have to opt out of all these conversations. But how great is it that we walk around with people saying, “You have to got — oh my god, you haven’t seen this? You have to — oh, stop what you’re doing. You have to watch this.”

**John:** Yeah.

**Aline:** And I just want to stop for a moment and think about the last time there was a movie that felt like that where everybody you knew was talking about it and saying you have to — now, obviously the Star Wars movie. But it’s just rare to have people saying, “Oh, I can’t — you got to go, stop what you’re doing. Run out and see this movie.” And with TV shows, it’s just this like —

**Rawson:** It’s endless.

**Aline:** it’s endless and it’s just — you know, look at the list of the sort of the top 30 best reviewed TV shows, that could be your whole life.

**Rawson:** Yeah. I have the exact same feeling that you have, John. Like it’s — you know, Making a Murderer, I heard the exact same thing.

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** I’m dying — ha-ha — to see it. And there’s just no time. Like, you know, I’m so far behind on everything else. Like The Man in the High Castle which was my favorite Amazon pilot, so excited. Watched the pilot. I wanted to binge watch all of them. It wasn’t even made, right? And a year later, I was waiting, waiting, waiting for it to come out. It finally comes out, I still haven’t watched it.

**John:** Oh, Rawson.

**Rawson:** It’s terrible. It’s terrible.

**John:** But it’s not terrible because like —

**Rawson:** I could do a whole list of shows —

**John:** Yes.

**Rawson:** Starting with Friday Night Lights that I have not seen that I’m dying to see. There are truly, truly not enough hours in the day.

**John:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** But I agree with Aline that it’s — what a wonderful time to live in.

**Aline:** But I just want to circle back to, you know, there’s — when I think of, you know, John’s breakthrough movie was Go and your breakthrough movie was Dodgeball, which is the McKenna family movie, and my sort of breakout movie, Devil Wears Prada, tough going man now to get those through. I mean if you came to me with Go, I would say that’s a Netflix show. If you came to me with Dodgeball, I would say that’s an FX series. If you came to me — somebody came to me with — the Devil Wears Prada was a pre-established — you know, it was a hit book, so maybe that would probably go the movie route again.

But, you know, other things that I’ve written like 27 Dresses, I think I would say try and get $5 million and shoot that, you know, in New Orleans and hope for the best. Those movies are really tough to get through. And if you’re in a movie meeting and you’re saying, this is totally out of the box and insane and doesn’t make any sense, and if you’re my friend and you’re telling me you have that kind of idea, I would recommend, you know, five or seven cable, streaming and in some case broadcast network places that, you know — I think of Ridley’s doing American Crime, and he’s doing it on a big network, wouldn’t that have been a movie 10 years ago? Wouldn’t that have been like a big Oscary movie? So aren’t we going towards the thing also where my kids don’t care so much what platform it’s on, you know?

**Rawson:** Yeah, I think they’re platform agnostic.

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** From what I can tell. But John back to, not your kids specifically, but the kids today, the Millenials. But yeah, but John, to your point, the sort of glut of gold, right, of the television gold, you know, we have to be at some point hitting peak drama, right? There’s just too much. Too much great stuff, you can’t keep up.

So on the TV side, that feels like what’s going on. On the feature side, it is cinematic universe is robust, right? Everything else can take a hike. And it’s a really strange difference between the two, right, where one is — we’re creating an interlocking set of $150 million movies that all feed each other and inform each other and make $100 million on the opening weekend. And we don’t really care about anything else.

**John:** And there’s FOMO to those movies. Like that’s why, you know, you have to see Star Wars the first week or else it’s all going to be spoiled for you.

**Aline:** Right.

**Rawson:** Sure. And then the other side to what Aline is saying is on the television side, it’s just be interesting, we don’t really care. We don’t even know what the numbers are. If it’s kind of cool and different, that’s great. So it’s a very — like it’s so —

**Aline:** I think it depends also what drew you into the business. Because a lot of my friends who were big genre writers or producers, like the stuff that drew them into the business, you know, was Star Wars, were these kind of bigger, you know, it’s like Star Wars, Die Hard, you know, those kind of early, big franchise-able things. You know, for me, personally, I was — I was drawn into the business by — this is really quaint — movies from the ’30s and ’40s. And Sydney Pollack and James Brooks —

**Rawson:** That’s adorable.

**Aline:** Elaine May. Yeah, it’s really — it’s like saying, you know, you grew up playing with the dolls with the real hair and the lace dresses. It’s like I didn’t grow up playing with collectible. In fact, some of the stuff I’ve not heard of. Like people will say, “We’re working on this line of toys from the ’70s that was like cool robots who are, you know, like” — and I’ve never heard of it, you know. And it is also very male-driven by and large.

So I think the way we’re wicking people into the business now is different because of the kind of things that we’re making. And I think if I were starting out again and I came to myself for advice, I’d probably say, “Go try and get a job writing, you know, You’re the Worst or something.”

**John:** Yeah. Good shows. All right. So we’ve been talking about how much great TV there was this year, but there’s also been a lot of great movies. And so we want to focus on three of those movies that are up for awards this season. We’ll start with Room.

So Room tells a story of five-year-old Jack who has spent his entire life in a single room because his mother was kidnapped at age 17. The movie tracks her life inside the room and their attempts to escape and reintegrate with the world outside. It was written by Emma Donoghue, based on her best-selling novel.

Rawson, you just saw this movie last night.

**Rawson:** I did. And I loved it. I had — I didn’t know anything about it. I didn’t know what you just said about it. I didn’t watch a trailer.

**Aline:** That’s great.

**Rawson:** I knew nothing. And I was blown away. I wonder if I would’ve liked it as much if I had known anything. Because when they were — I guess there will be spoilers in this episode.

**John:** There were be spoilers. We can’t avoid it.

**Rawson:** So I had no idea why they were in that room. You know, I was like, you know, is it — is this a post-apocalyptic thing? Can she not go outside because of radiation? Is it, you know, is she hiding? Did she kill someone? And, you know, obviously, as it goes along you kind of puzzle it together.

So that, just the opening experience of just sort of being drawn in and trying to figure out what the puzzle is or what the reasoning is for them not having left the room was fascinating and unlike anything I’ve seen in a long time in the theater. And then, of course, as it — as it unfolds, you know, the escape sequence was — I haven’t felt that way in a movie theater in a long time. I was writhing in my chair and so nervous.

**Aline:** I was sobbing so loudly. I was barking.

**Rawson:** Oh my god. [laughs]

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** Yeah. It was something else. And then the other part that was so interesting to me, which I guess I wouldn’t have expected was, we have to talk spoiler again.

**John:** Yeah.

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** So after they escaped through the — after they escaped the room, I guess I just — because I’m, you know, a studio hack. Like I was just like, “Oh, well, that’s the end of the movie, they get out and they hug, it’s a thing.” And that’s the midpoint. Like the — some of the most fascinating stuff is what happens after that and sort of recalibrating and what is the world like if you’ve never ever, ever experienced it. And I just thought it was a beautiful piece of cinema and expertly told. And some of the best performances I’ve seen in a long time. Man, what a fantastic picture. A-plus.

**John:** Yeah. On a story level, what was so striking to me about it is that it doesn’t sort of follow any normal rules. And so in terms of like who’s the protagonist, who’s your antagonist, that it’s three acts. It’s really a two-act sort of movie. And the two acts are very, very different. And you sort of think like, “Oh, she’s the one who’s going to change, and she’s going to have to save this kid.” But it’s not really that.

And it was — I found myself frustrated in the second half of the movie where I was like, “Well, where did the mom go?” There’s moments where she disappears from the story. And it wasn’t until, you know, the credits rolled that like, “Oh, wait, it was actually the boy’s story.” And so —

**Rawson:** Oh. Oh.

**Aline:** Yes.

**John:** Yeah. And so if you look at it from the boy’s point of view —

**Aline:** Yes. That makes perfect sense.

**John:** Like some of the moments that didn’t actually make a lot of sense to me in the second half I think were because it’s really based on what the boy’s understanding of what these adults are actually talking about and how these are working. Like William H. Macy’s character, I didn’t really believe or buy, but I think I buy it more if I see it from the kid’s point of view. And it’s like —

**Aline:** Yes. Great point.

**John:** He has no idea what the — why this man is saying these things.

**Rawson:** Yeah.

**John:** And it makes more sense with that.

**Rawson:** Yeah.

**Aline:** I mean, it’s by far my favorite movie that I’ve seen this year. And it’s probably for me the movie I was most excited about since Frozen, which sounds strange, but remember I had like a big freak out over Frozen.

**John:** I did. And you can listen to that episode in the premium feed of Scriptnotes where Aline and I talked with Jennifer Lee about Frozen.

**Aline:** I mean, I’m obsessed with this movie. I think it’s a clinic. I think it is — I don’t know why everyone’s not talking about it. It feels like to me the movie everyone should be talking about it. I will say that a lot of people I’ve talked to have a weird idea of what it is. Like even Rawson was saying, “Is it really scary? Is it going to upset my life?” And I just keep saying to people, “It’s just good.”

I just want to say two things. One is, as a writer — and this is one of the reasons I love Frozen so much — you know what’s hard and what’s not hard. You know what things are difficult writing-wise and what things are not. And there’s just sometimes I see a movie and I think, “Well that’s wonderful, but I know that the level of skill it took to do that is not that high.”

The level of skill that it takes to pull off Room is extremely high, extremely high degree of difficulty. You’re telling such an intimate story, such a character piece. But it’s also a thriller. It’s also like a great propulsive story. It plays with genre. It upends genre. I just thought from the point of view as a craftsman looking at a table, you know, as someone who makes tables examining another table, I was really effing —

**Rawson:** It’s a hell of a table.

**Aline:** Impressed.

**Rawson:** Yeah.

**Aline:** And then the other thing I want to say is that, you know, it’s a story about a woman and a child, and her mother, primarily. And I got to say, you know, there’s a lot of great movies out that are getting a lot of attention, but part of me has to think that if it wasn’t about women and children it would be getting more acclaim. And I’m kind of turning into this guy. I’m kind of turning into this person as I get older and I see what happens in the world. I just think stories about women and children, which is really all this movie is and what this — it’s the best movie about parenting I’ve seen ever.

**Rawson:** Oh, yeah.

**Aline:** And their relationship is so real and so gritty and so interesting. I just think — I just want more people to see it. I’m desperate for more people to see it because I think we’ve seen a lot of terrific movies this year but the level of achievement here in terms of storytelling, character work, and performances. I mean, the very last moment, when Brie looks back at the room and she says goodbye to it and she whispers, she doesn’t say it, she doesn’t make any noise, it’s — I think it’s stunning.

**John:** So this is Emma Donoghue’s screenplay based on her book, and that to me was a really fascinating thing to look at because we’ve had other novelists adapt their own books. Gillian Flynn did a great job adapting Gone Girl.

**Aline:** That’s who I thought of, too.

**John:** But what struck me about this is that, you know, looking at the book Room, you have the ability to have character introspections, so you get to know what the characters know, you get to see inside their thoughts. She had to do this without any voiceover, without any sort of ability to sort of get out what’s happening inside these characters’ heads other than dialogue.

**Aline:** Which is, again, why I say clinic.

**John:** Clinic. And so this first half of the movie, you feel like, “Well, that could be a play.” You theoretically could stage that first half of the movie as like a play. And then when it actually breaks out, it clearly has to be a movie, because the only way you get that suspense and that tension is by going outside in that world and, you know, it was brilliantly directed and really brilliantly shot. And then just keep going to these new environments, it really did ultimately become a film. But to able to understand both like how to do all the very small chamber character work and then break out and do the suspense was remarkable.

**Aline:** You know, for some reason, one of the moments that has stuck with me so much is the moment where Joan Allen’s boyfriend builds this bridge to the kid. And, you know, he’s not a major character. He shows up two-thirds of the way through the movie.

**Rawson:** In kind of a creepy fashion, by the way, just standing in the hall.

**Aline:** Right. And he’s sort of — yeah, you don’t really know what to make of that.

**Rawson:** He did a great job.

**Aline:** But you really — it’s such a testament to the power of human connection that these two characters reach out across each other. And it’s exactly what you said, so smart. It’s the boy’s story and it’s about how he learns to start making connections in the world that are not his mother. And so I think that’s the reason for me that is such a big victorious moment, that you feel like this kid’s going to be okay because he can learn to trust somebody. And it’s really great that it’s not his grandfather, it’s somebody else.

**Rawson:** I think that’s an excellent point. And like — and it is surprising that that character, Lee or something, I think, is the one who sort of connects with Jack, right? And he’s the only one who doesn’t have, doesn’t carry any baggage with him toward Jack, right? He is essentially a stranger. And I thought that was surprising and wonderful.

But John, back to your point, like she does use — Emma does use voiceover. And she uses Jack’s voiceover in the picture.

**John:** You’re absolutely right.

**Rawson:** Throughout, right?

**John:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** And so like to me. And then what was interesting about what you said of, you know, whose story is this? And to me, really early on, it seemed like it was really clearly Jack’s story because he’s the one explaining what room is, right?

**Aline:** Yes.

**Rawson:** And then when Nick — Old Nick shows up, he — Jack goes into wardrobe and stays there —

**Aline:** And we see it from his perspective.

**Rawson:** And we’re in there with him.

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** So something that you talk a lot about, which I steal all the time when I’m writing and thinking is like who do you give the storytelling power to, right?

**John:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** That’s so critical, and something I learned from you. Really, I thought it was — as I think Aline might say, you know, a master class in specifically that, right? This is only Jack’s story. It clearly is his and we only see it through his eyes and from his perspective. So when he’s rolled up in the rug and taken out, we don’t — we never see Brie Larson again until —

**John:** Yeah.

**Aline:** Right.

**Rawson:** Until she comes running out toward the cop car. Which heightens the tension, right?

**Aline:** Yes, so much.

**Rawson:** Because we don’t know what’s happening.

**Aline:** We don’t know what’s happening there. I just want to say one more thing about the movie which is —

**Rawson:** Sure.

**Aline:** If we’re talking about trends for me in 2015 is that it’s the best movie I’ve ever seen about rape and the aftermath of rape and how confusing and damaging it is. And this is the year where I watched The Hunting Ground which I cannot recommend highly enough. I watched it with my kids who are teenagers.

**Rawson:** Is that the CNN documentary?

**Aline:** It’s not CNN. But yeah, it’s the people who did the documentary about rape in the military, did a documentary about rape on college campuses, and it is blistering. I also read the Missoula book, Krakauer’s Missoula book about the college rapes in Missoula. And then, obviously, we have the Bill Cosby thing.

I am hoping that as a culture our view and our understanding of rape and rape victims and what happens to them starts to change now, has to change now. And this is the best microscopic examination of what a rape survivor goes through and, you know, her triumphs and her defeats, and what’s complicated and how it’s imprinted on her and how it affects her mental health and how she becomes suicidal.

**Rawson:** Absolutely.

**Aline:** And, you know, you can be brave and you can, you know, work through these things, but it damages you forever. And I think we still don’t understand that as a culture. And so I really have to applaud the movie for depicting that in a way that’s not homework. It’s not spinach. It’s not vegetables. It’s just human.

**Rawson:** Yeah. I thought Emma Donoghue did an incredible job adapting her own work. I haven’t read the book but I can only imagine the challenge. And it seems like it would be even more difficult if you were the author of the novel to be — to sort of what I can only assume is to hack and slash your own work up to make it fit into 120 pages. But —

**Aline:** Yeah. Hats off to her.

**Rawson:** Yeah. But then the last thing I wanted to say about Room was — and it’s connected, Aline, to what you were saying, which is this sort of clean line, the clean premise of a 17-year-old girl who gets abducted and kept in a shed. She’s raped. She has a son from that rape and loves that son, right? The clean idea of a mother who loves her child even though that child was the offspring of a horrific and violent act is so ripe for drama and ripe for investigation. Like, you know, there were very few times in my life where I’ve sort of stumbled across or come up with a clean dramatic construct like that that you just get so excited. I mean, it’s — I mean, I can almost picture Emma Donoghue when that idea struck her. I feel like, “Oh my god, of course. What a great idea to explore.”

**Aline:** It’s funny it’s in the same year that Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt came out.

**Rawson:** I was going to say that. [laughs]

**Aline:** Which is sort of, you know, it’s sort of — it is a great idea. It’s a gonzo weird comedic take on Room that —

**Rawson:** Yeah.

**Aline:** That they’re a great double feature.

**Rawson:** Yeah.

**Aline:** And it’s, you know, Kimmy Schmidt is so intelligent and bizarre.

**Rawson:** It’s fantastic.

**Aline:** And it takes a completely, you know, through-the-looking-glass view of the same topic. But I could really go on and on about Room just as a craftsperson. I really —

**Rawson:** Not as funny as Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

**Aline:** Not quite as funny, no. But it did have some great moments of humor I have to say.

**Rawson:** It does.

**John:** So while Room was a very small story with a very tight group of characters, Spotlight is a much bigger story. It follows this team of journalists working at The Boston Globe, working to expose widespread sexual abuse, again, of children by Catholic priests in the Boston area. It’s written by Tom McCarthy and Josh Singer. It was listed on the 2013 Black List of unproduced screenplays and now it’s a movie up for a lot of best pictures.

What struck me about Spotlight, and I — again, I really enjoyed Spotlight. It’s almost exactly the opposite of Room. It’s like where Room was so detailed and charactery and it’s all about sort of these very intimate feelings like silent moments, Spotlight was sort of all talk all the time. It’s all business.

Aline, I heard you describe it once as sort of like The Martian but like with journalists. And so it’s very sort of technically detail-oriented.

**Aline:** Yeah. That’s something I wanted to talk about and see how you guys felt. Because I have noticed, you know, that both of those movies — and it’s something I’ve noticed in movies more and more is the characters in both of those movies, they’re really work procedurals. And the character development is, you know, is — I think they deliberately underbaked the buns there, you know. They kind of pulled it out of the oven without overdoing.

Like in The Martian, you really don’t know a lot about the backstory of this guy who you’re spending a lot of time with. When he talks about his parents, I thought, “Oh gosh, I don’t really know anything about his home life.” And then in Spotlight, each character has like one little scene, you know, going to the neighbor’s house, eating pizza for Mark Ruffalo, loading the dishwasher for Rachel McAdams. I mean, they have little, tiny character grace notes, but they really work procedurals about characters whose function in the movie is to do things and not to kind of exhibit character behavior.

And I think it’s really interesting in light of what we’ve been talking about with TV. You know, TV is all about these interesting, naughty, complicated characters where you’re really delving into them. And I feel like it’s interesting to have a movie where you have two prestige films that are excellent and I think are going to get a lot of awards, where the character stuff I think is deliberately a little, you know, pencil drawn, maybe to make the functioning of the work stuff more prominent in a way.

**John:** So you’re talking — that these two movies being The Martian and Spotlight. In both cases, we don’t know a lot about the characters’ backstories. But even when the movie begins, they’re not given a big arc to sort of — to conquer. There wasn’t a like there’s a thing which they as a character couldn’t do at the start of the movie that they can do at the end of the movie.

**Aline:** Their arc are obstacles.

**John:** Yeah. And so they just like, stuff gets in their way and they have to keep knocking down these things that get in their way but it’s much more sort of — it’s procedural. It’s just like, are they going to be able to unscramble this puzzle that will get them out of this movie successfully?

**Rawson:** Absolutely. I mean I think the only real sort of character quandary or challenge is from Michael Keaton’s character, right? Because in that picture, in Spotlight, he gets sent the box of like, “Here’s the damning evidence, do something about it,” and he ignored it for whatever reason, right? It’s the right choice for that story, right? Because what’s most important in Spotlight is what these guys did, what these priests did, what the Catholic Church did. And I think the choice of telling the story that way of just the facts ma’am and not delving into character backstory or tropes as you say, is precisely the right choice because that’s not what’s important about that story. What’s not important about the story is —

**Aline:** Exactly.

**Rawson:** Oh, gosh, the relationship between the journalist and her boyfriend and are they going to make up?

**Aline:** Right.

**Rawson:** Like, who cares?

**Aline:** Right.

**Rawson:** That’s not what it’s about, it’s about —

**Aline:** This is what happened in the world.

**Rawson:** That’s exactly right.

**Aline:** And in Martian, it’s about science and it’s about the importance of iteration. You know, I think it’s — if you don’t process emotions very well then you’ll really enjoy the Martian because [laughs] —

**Rawson:** I really did.

**John:** There’s not a lot of emotions there.

**Aline:** Because — no. Because it’s such a great tribute, to — I mean, I thought it was a great movie for my kids to see because it’s like try again, try again, try again. It’s a really great movie for writers, too, because it’s “How do you skin this cat?” You go back, you try again. He tries everything.

**Rawson:** Yeah.

**Aline:** I mean, I never thought I would be so excited about seeing plants sprout in a hothouse.

**Rawson:** Yeah. I mean, yeah, The Martian was — I mean, Drew Goddard did an incredible job.

**Aline:** Incredible.

**Rawson:** What was so — one of the things I love about The Martian, though we’re not really talking about that, is the way that Ridley and Drew use humor in that film.

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** Humor throughout and how important that is to keep — at least to keep me and I think the audience, engaged in the story, because it could have been a really bleak, hopeless slog.

**Aline:** And also Spotlight. I mean, you know, Keaton, Slattery, Rachel McAdams, Mark Ruffalo —

**Rawson:** Liev Schreiber.

**Aline:** They’re all — Liev, yeah. They’re all great dramatic actors but they all can be funny. And they bring — there’s a kind of lightness to that movie in a funny way.

**Rawson:** Stanley Tucci, also.

**Aline:** Right.

**Rawson:** Right. Kind of stealing the show.

**Aline:** Yeah. So exactly, kind of steal — yeah.

**Rawson:** I want to say one thing about Spotlight which is my friend Blye Pagon Faust produced it, and I didn’t know she produced it until I saw her name on the screen.

**Aline:** Wow. So you guys are close then?

**Rawson:** Well, we’re not that close. But I know her pretty well and I sent her e-mail. I didn’t realize until — well, actually I saw. I knew before I went to see the movie but I didn’t realize until I think she posted on Facebook, “Go see my movie,” and I went “Oh my God.” And I was — it’s always kind of fun when someone you know, a friend of yours, even lightly, kind of comes out of nowhere and has a big, big success. It’s just like exciting.

**Aline:** Yeah.

**John:** Well, let’s take — let’s take a look though at Spotlight and, I guess, The Martian as well. Both these movies have a noticeable lack of conflict, and generally, like if your movie doesn’t have a lot of conflict between the characters, I’m just not going to care. And what both of them do have, which I think is maybe a very new kind of thing, they have really competent characters. And so this is sort of a thing called competency porn where it’s like —

**Aline:** Totally.

**John:** It’s really fun to see people who are really good at their job, and see people doing a really good job at their job. And so for The Martian, it’s —

**Rawson:** I don’t want you to watch me work.

**John:** Yeah, exactly.

**Aline:** But it’s funny. I actually think this might also be a little bit tinged by reality shows and by the extreme like excitement of watching people cook things and build things.

**John:** Or survive out in the wilderness.

**Aline:** Yes. I think there’s a thing now where, you know, some character work can seem — backstory stuff just can seem corny, tropey, and so —

**John:** Mark Ruffalo had a couple of corny tropey moments for me in this movie. There’s sort of one moment where he blows up at Michael Keaton and it’s like I didn’t really kind of buy it. And there are a few moments where it’s like I felt like he was getting angry to get angry because it’s a thing that a character in this movie is supposed to be doing, is getting angry. But no one else in the movie was doing that, and so it felt a little strange. It was so fascinating for me to see like Stanley Tucci or Liev Schreiber, actors who generally can get kind of big and kind of emotional, be really tamped down.

**Rawson:** Yeah, it’s my favorite performance from Liev in a long, long time.

**John:** Yeah. It’s exciting. All right. Let’s look at our third and final movie. It’s The Big Short. It’s based on the non-fiction book by Michael Lewis. The Big Short tells the story of three groups of investors who foresaw the collapse of the US Housing Market in 2007. It’s written by Adam McKay and Charles Randolph.

This is, again, a movie with a zillion people in it and a lot of talking, but also, structurally, just bizarre, and point of view, bizarre. It breaks the fourth wall consistently. Characters will turn to the camera and speak and then resume their scene. It took a lot of really ambitious narrative choices. And I really dug what it did.

**Aline:** I loved it. I mean, I think Adam McKay is kind of interestingly one of the most subversive brains in Hollywood. I don’t know that he totally gets credit for it because even his mainstream comedies have some crack going on in them, all of them. He’s so super smart and it comes across.

And I just — I loved what he did formally with this movie in terms of being so free and the way they shot it and the way it was edited. I mean, it’s a long time since I’ve seen a movie edited in a way that I was like, “Wow, we’re holding here. We’re hanging out here,” you know. So I thought, formally, it was — it was fantastic.

I had two thoughts about it that maybe prevented me from like completely immersing myself in it. And one was that it’s about people who are trying to exploit the crash, but you root for them. And they see that it’s all screwed up, but they’re still all betting against the common. Now it’s kind of a genius move on the part of the movie that it was able to get you to root for and care about people who are playing against everyone and playing against the system, so that’s — but that’s a tricky inside out kind of thing it’s doing.

**John:** Yeah, it has the structure of a heist movie in a way and like “Are they going to be able to get away with it?” And yet you know that the end result is a really negative outcome for the universe and for all humanity. So it’s a strange sense. And to McKay’s credit, I thought he did a nice job of letting you both feel some victory in that it happened and the characters themselves acknowledge the very bad thing that happened. So Steve Carell, his character, you know, really feeling despondent even as he’s become a billionaire.

**Aline:** As he becomes a billionaire.

**Rawson:** Yeah. And that — yeah. Look, I love the movie, I loved the book. I thought McKay did an incredible job. But you know, just as someone who makes comedies myself, to get to see someone who’s a titan of studio comedy work creating the opportunity for himself to do something that isn’t that and doing such an exceptional job was just really heartening and exciting for me.

**Aline:** Yeah, it’s great. And it was interesting because it’s funny but it’s still — so it’s still — I felt like it had the DNA of an Adam McKay movie in some ways, but obviously it was going off into these other directions.

**Rawson:** Sure. I mean especially with what John was saying, breaking the fourth wall, like I think it’s three separate times where McKay uses that device to help explain a very complicated idea. And it seems like there’s two real big challenges going into the adaptation of that book. One is, of course, the complexity of the derivatives market, right? Which Michael Lewis does a brilliant job of explaining in the book, a fantastic book if you want to get angry. And McKay I think chose a really McKay-like way of doing that, right? Margot Robbie in a bubble bath, Anthony Bourdain, I think it’s Vanessa Hudgens —

**John:** It’s Selena Gomez.

**Rawson:** Selena Gomez, my fault. Selena Gomez at a blackjack table, which I thought were all super, super clever. So one challenge is the complexity of that.

And then also, like you were saying John, like it is a heist picture, so trying to keep all those dishes spinning and keep that tension going. And heist pictures are incredibly difficult to write and execute, but the last piece of it is the most important which is, “How do you root for these guys? How do you root for these guys who are essentially profiting off of the corruption of the system and making those billions of dollars that Johnny and Jane taxpayer are going to have to foot the bill?”

**Aline:** Yeah, that’s what I was saying. Yeah, and the people who are going to get wiped out by these things are satirized.

**Rawson:** Yes, right.

**Aline:** Right? Like the boneheads in the, you know, who sell the —

**Rawson:** Yes, Max Greenfield. Fantastic. [laughs]

**Aline:** Yes, amazing. And the stripper and, you know, they’re sort of depicted as yahoos on the other hand, you know, they’re victims. I actually thought, you know, the guy who’s been paying the rent but the landlord hasn’t been —

**Rawson:** Yeah, that was so sad.

**Aline:** That was so sad and he appears again later in the movie —

**Rawson:** And he’s okay.

**Aline:** Yeah. And that was the most kind of humanized thing. It’s interesting. It does go back — it goes back to sort of what we were talking about.

**John:** Well, let’s talk about how he actually did make you feel sympathy for our lead guys who theoretically could be schmucks for, you know, what they’re doing to everybody else. You create bigger assholes around them, and so like they’re standing up to bigger assholes who are openly mocking them.

**Aline:** Yeah.

**John:** So when he’s going in to try to pitch the portfolio like —

**Aline:** Yeah.

**John:** “Will you sell me this thing?” And they’re like snickering. “Oh my god, we’re going to make so much money off this idiot.” That’s the way to sort of make our guys feel like the underdogs.

**Rawson:** That’s right.

**John:** And we’re going to root for the underdogs.

**Rawson:** That’s exactly right.

**John:** And consistently with all three storylines, we’ve let them be the underdog, so like —

**Aline:** Yeah, smart.

**John:** Our young guys aren’t even allowed to go upstairs and so they have to sit in the lobby and they get talked down to you by an assistant.

**Rawson:** That was a great scene.

**Aline:** That’s my favorite guy.

**John:** Yeah, the guy who plays the —

**Rawson:** The little guy is so good.

**Aline:** That little guy is the greatest.

**Rawson:** Whoever he is, good job little guy.

**John:** That’s one of the moments where you break the fourth wall and they pick up this prospectus and one of the actors turns to you and is like, “This isn’t actually how it happened — I didn’t get it here.”

**Aline:** It’s great.

**John:** And it was such a smart choice because it reminded you like, “Oh this is a real story.” So even though we are playing fictional characters, this really did happen to a degree. It reminded you like, “Oh, that’s right. This is all real.”

**Rawson:** I loved that scene because as soon as they picked up the prospectus, I’m like, “This is bullshit.”

**Aline:** Right.

**Rawson:** And I was like grabbing my pitchfork, and then he turns to the camera and I’m like, “Oh, bless you heart, Adam McKay.” But you’re exactly right, John, that you create bigger assholes and you make our heroes the underdogs, which is almost impossible not to root for. And then there are two other critical scenes in that film that very clearly are there in an attempt to make you like our heroes, right?

One is when they’re leaving, I think it’s Vegas, and the two young whipper-snappers who couldn’t get past the lobby just placed their bet and they’re super, super excited and they’re dancing. And Brad Pitt, of all people, right, the biggest star in the picture, turns around and says “Don’t dance.”

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** “This is what this means, this is what you’re betting on,” right? And it’s fine, but don’t dance, right?

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** Which is precisely the right tone and note to hit for the audience to go, “Okay, I’m glad you acknowledged it. Now, we’re cool. We can root for your guys.” And then of course the end piece where Steve Carell, who does a beautiful job in the film, you know, hems and haws, and is tortured about becoming a billionaire.

**Aline:** Well also, he’s been given — Steve Carell has been given what we would think of a more traditional thing which is that his brother committed suicide. And so that’s something that would be a more traditional piece of scene where —

**John:** I could have lost all of that. I don’t know how you felt about that.

**Aline:** Although the scene where he was in the support group and just comes in as really disruptive and leaves, I just thought it was amazing.

**John:** If you we’re going to lose —

**Rawson:** I loved that scene.

**John:** If you’re going to lose that plot line, you basically lose Marisa Tomei, you lose sort of any other woman you recognize, which is a challenge, but —

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** But that scene where Steve Carell’s character sort of talks to Marisa Tomei about it, the way that that’s edited, I thought was just beautiful.

**Aline:** Yeah.

**Rawson:** And really one of the few moments in the film where I felt pathos, right? I felt really attached and understood his struggle. You know, I was angry at the bad guy — you know, at everybody.

**John:** Yeah, yeah.

**Rawson:** But like that was the one time where I felt like an emotional connection. So I can understand very easily cutting that scene out because it’s sort of, you know, off book a little bit. I think it does what it’s supposed to do which is make you understand that this is a person who has gone through real trouble in his life and that you care about him and want him to come out the other side of that. And I guess this sort of vindicates —

**Aline:** I mean, you know, it’s a good kind of segue into one other thing I wanted to say kind of in general about this time for me every year when you look back on these movies is, you know how you can judge — they say you can judge a country by how it treats its women, that that’s a good hallmark of how free it is and how much democracy it has. I feel the same way about movies, and I feel like every year there’s movies that I really like but I wish they had drilled down a little harder on the women. Because I will judge a movie differently if they managed to get in an interesting complicated female character.

And there’s a thing which I didn’t realize was a thing until last night which is there’s this thing where there are leads in movies now, particularly in these genre pieces, where the women just are spunky and they have moxie, but they don’t have characters. And you know what I’m talking about.

**Rawson:** Yeah.

**Aline:** So this is a thing. I was talking to someone about this at a party last night because that is the overwhelming in the genre big movies, these women who are like defined by — they just have a lot of spunk and pluck but they don’t really have flaws or things to overcome. And if they don’t have flaws, if they’re not 360, or if they’re not just frankly in the movie at all, a lot — some of these movies, just if you look at the, you know, best reviewed movies of the year, some of them just don’t even have female characters in them or have very minor ones.

You know, to me, I just — it’s harder for me. And again, I told you, I’m turning into this guy, this lady. If you can’t invest in, you know, all genders in the same way and you can’t invest the female characters with the same kind of humanity, it’s just tougher for me to fully embrace the movie.

**John:** One thing I’ve noticed about all three of these movies, and I think part of the reason why they all succeed, is in each case the writer has great sympathy for all of the characters in the story. So looking at The Big Short, there’s an African-American woman who’s Steve Carell’s —

**Aline:** Yeah. She was the best female character in that movie. Also because she was just wrong.

**John:** She was wrong, but also, the movie had sympathy for like when everything was falling apart, you really could see like, “Oh, everything is falling apart for her, too.” And the movie allowed you to have sympathy for her.

**Aline:** Right.

**John:** So you understand her both being angry at the start and sort of being, you know —

**Aline:** Yeah, I preferred in a fun way — I mean, I love Marisa Tomei, but Marisa Tomei’s character was a thing we’ve seen before.

**John:** It’s just functional.

**Aline:** Which is, yes, functional. Whereas that lady was, she’d also gotten like opened the door and the snow had fallen in on her.

**John:** It’s such a great example of like Steve Carell like at the very start acknowledges that she’s pregnant and sort of says nothing more. And then it’s like, all this time has passed and now she has a baby and all that stuff. And it was a great recall on the character.

Another examples of sort of sympathy for characters, in Room after the boy escapes, just the police officer, the cop, who like figures out like where it is, and like, had such sympathy for like that’s a character who only has a very limited window of time but like just drilled down and exactly nailed who she was and sort of why she was the right person to be in the backseat of the car with him, just brilliant and genius.

And then sympathy, I think even in Spotlight, where you get to like Jamey Sheridan’s character, who has been protecting the church. And you know, we suddenly are showing up at his doorstep and sort of ruining his Christmas. I still had sympathy for why he was doing what he was doing. And so it’s so easy to make terrible villains, but to have sympathy for these villains too in some of these cases is a huge achievement.

**Rawson:** Yes. I mean I agree. The one thing — I mean on your point of, you know, not having fully-baked female characters in these pictures. But if you look at like The Big Short, I guess my question would be, that’s a non-fiction novel. And so the characters in that novel are all men. Do you think that McKay should have made one of them a woman? Or is that — or I guess that’s like what are you supposed to do when the story is about dudes doing these things?

**Aline:** Yes. I mean but then we’re just pointing to the fact that he invented a female character. Or I don’t know, maybe that character exists.

**Rawson:** I can’t remember.

**Aline:** But, you know, he created some. So that’s, you know, obviously some stories are that. Again, those tend to be the stories that we’re telling more and that we’re privileging. So if you make more movies with just a more of a diversity of characters, gender-wise and frankly race-wise.

But I’m just, you know, I’m sitting here again with you guys, like your movies always have female characters that are interesting and weird and Go is — and you do, too. I mean, you’re also, you do a thing which I enjoy and which Craig does, too, which is, you’ll write female characters who are just kind of assholes.

And that’s, you know, we deserve to have — I mean, my favorite thing about Identity Thief is that she’s an asshole. And then she’s not, of course.

**Rawson:** Right.

**Aline:** And she’s that great. But men get to be assholes, men get to be flawed, men get to be messes, men get to be complicated. And I sort of feel like, you know, for women, we just — between the genre movies and the smaller movies, I think we’re restricting ourselves a little bit in that regard.

Obviously, if it’s a movie where, you know, it’s about men — if it’s, you know, if it’s all about the — you know, the basketball championship. But I still think that to really depict a 360 world, you have to include their voices in it and do a good job with them.

**Rawson:** Yeah, absolutely.

**John:** All right. It’s time for One Cool Things. My One Cool Thing is a gift that my daughter got for Christmas. It’s called Compose Yourself and it’s these clear plastic cards that have measures of music on them, just like simple notes on them.

And what’s smart about it is, because they’re clear, you can flip them over and turn them around and look at the measures different ways. And it goes to a website and you punch in the code number on each of these cards. It builds a song both into sort of simple note melody, but also like full orchestration. And so it’s a great way of sort of like looking at this is what notes look like on the card, this is what it actually sounds like when you put it together.

So for, you know, anybody who’s interested in sort of music theory, or sort of like sort of the call and response of measures, it’s really, really cool. So I really dug it.

**Rawson:** What’s it called?

**John:** It’s called Compose Yourself. It’s by a guy name Philip Sheppard and there’ll be a link to that in the show notes.

**Rawson:** Cool.

**Aline:** Great. What do you got?

**Rawson:** I have a game that I love that is not out yet, it’s called The Division.

**John:** All right.

**Rawson:** Tom Clancy’s The Division. It’s for Xbox One. It will be PS4 and PC platform. It comes out in March. I played the Alpha. December 9th to the 12th is a very small window. I’ve been waiting for this game for about three-and-a-half years. I’ve been going to E3 and playing it and waiting and waiting and waiting.

And it is fantastic and super fun. It’s a third person RPG shooter, set in kind of post-viral outbreak Manhattan. And your job with your friends, up to three friends, is to get services back online — electricity, water, paramedic, police, et cetera, et cetera. And it’s a super fun game to play. But it’s so beautiful. The light and weather effects are incredible and some of the best I’ve ever seen.

And if you like video games at all, The Division, Tom Clancy’s The Division, comes out in March.

**Aline:** Wow! Can I just take this moment to say I’ve never played a video game?

**Rawson:** Oh. Aline.

**Aline:** Never.

**John:** Never even on your phone?

**Rawson:** Never once?

**Aline:** No, on my phone. But I never like sat down with a remote.

**John:** With Xbox controller.

**Aline:** Yes. My kids do it constantly and I wouldn’t even know where — so I guess I did Wii back in the day and I can do some Guitar Hero. So that counts.

**John:** My daughter first learned how to play NBA 2K14 from your sons playing that game.

**Rawson:** NBA 2K16 is supposed to be the best sports game ever made.

**John:** I completely agree. I remember watching your kids playing it with Amy and I thought they were just watching basketball. That’s how good it looks like.

**Aline:** Yes. The graphics are insane. You know I often think they’re watching basketball, too.

I’m going to do again because I’m turning into this guy. I’m just going to beg everyone to go and see The Hunting Ground. I know it’s been out for a while but they just aired it on CNN again.

It’s so good. And it’s so important. And it’s so infuriating. And it’s so interesting. And it’s super well-made. And I would really just go see The Hunting Ground and then go to the website. And they’re talking about something that was, you know, I went to Take Back the Night marches when I was in college and it’s still going on. And it’s time to do something about it. And it’s just so worthwhile.

**John:** Cool. Great. That’s our show for this week. So as always, our show is produced by Stuart Friedel. It is edited by Matthew Chilelli.

**Aline:** I don’t see Stuart Friedel anywhere here.

**John:** Stuart Friedel is off on assignment. No, he’s off — just —

**Aline:** Stuart?

**John:** Stuart — where’s Stuart? We’re recording this on New Year’s Day, so Stuart has the day off.

**Rawson:** Happy New Year!

**John:** Happy New Year to everyone. It’s edited by Matthew Chilelli who also did our outro this week. A reminder that we are doing a live show on January 25th with guests Jason Bateman and Lawrence Kasdan who wrote a little movie called —

**Aline:** Well done.

**John:** Yes. Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and The Empire Strikes Back, and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

**Aline:** Where are you doing that?

**John:** We’re doing that downtown in Los Angeles. So you should come see it.

**Aline:** Fantastic.

**John:** It’s a benefit for Hollywood HEART so you guys — we can get tickets for you. But if you, as a listener, would like tickets, there’s a link in the show notes where you get them. You can also just go to hollywoodheart.org/upcoming.

Our show is available on iTunes. So click and subscribe in iTunes so everyone knows that you’re subscribing to our show. Leave us a comment because we like to read through those comments.

If you’d like to listen to one of our back episodes, like the Frozen episode with Director Jennifer Lee, you can go to scriptnotes.net. There’s also an app which you can listen to all those back episodes. On Twitter, I’m @johnaugust. Craig, who’s not here, is @clmazin. Rawson, are you on Twitter?

**Rawson:** I’m at Twitter. I’m on Twitter @rawsonthurber.

**John:** Aline Brosh McKenna is not on Twitter but she’s on Instagram but not even publicly.

**Aline:** No.

**John:** You’re secret on Instagram, too. No. She’s unreachable.

**Aline:** I live on a desert island.

**John:** But if you have a question for any of us, you can write to ask@johnaugust.com and we’ll try to answer your questions. And thank you all very much and thank you Rawson and thank you Aline.

**Rawson:** Thank you.

**Aline:** Thank you.

**John:** All right. Bye.

**Aline:** Bye.

**Rawson:** Bye.

Links:

* [Rawson Marshall Thurber](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1098493/) on episodes [100](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-100th-episode), [101](http://johnaugust.com/2013/101-qa-from-the-live-show), [123](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-holiday-spectacular) and [124](http://johnaugust.com/2013/qa-from-the-holiday-spectacular), and [on Twitter](https://twitter.com/RawsonThurber)
* [Aline Brosh McKenna](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0112459/) on episodes [60](http://johnaugust.com/2012/the-black-list-and-a-stack-of-scenes), [76](http://johnaugust.com/2013/how-screenwriters-find-their-voice), [100](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-100th-episode), [101](http://johnaugust.com/2013/101-qa-from-the-live-show), [119](http://johnaugust.com/2013/positive-moviegoing), [123](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-holiday-spectacular), [124](http://johnaugust.com/2013/qa-from-the-holiday-spectacular) [152](http://johnaugust.com/2014/the-rocky-shoals-pages-70-90), [161](http://johnaugust.com/2014/a-cheap-cut-of-meat-soaked-in-butter), [175](http://johnaugust.com/2014/twelve-days-of-scriptnotes), [180](http://johnaugust.com/2015/bad-teachers-good-advice-and-the-default-male), [200](http://johnaugust.com/2015/the-200th-episode-live-show) and [219](http://johnaugust.com/2015/the-one-where-alines-show-debuts)
* [Room](http://roomthemovie.com/#/) on [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3170832/) and [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Room_(2015_film)), and [the novel](http://www.amazon.com/dp/0316098329/?tag=johnaugustcom-20)
* [Spotlight](http://spotlightthefilm.com/) on [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1895587/) and [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotlight_(film))
* [The Big Short](http://www.thebigshortmovie.com/) on [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1596363/) and [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Short_(film)), and [the book](http://www.amazon.com/dp/0393338827/?tag=johnaugustcom-20)
* [Compose Yourself](http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00W3SREPG/?tag=johnaugustcom-20)
* [Tom Clancy’s The Division](http://tomclancy-thedivision.ubi.com/game/en-us/home/)
* [The Hunting Ground](http://www.thehuntinggroundfilm.com/) on [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4185572/) and [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hunting_Ground)
* [Get your tickets now for Scriptnotes, Live on January 25](http://hollywoodheart.org/upcoming/) with [Jason Bateman](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jason_Bateman) and [Lawrence Kasdan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence_Kasdan), a benefit for [Hollywood HEART](http://hollywoodheart.org)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Matthew Chilelli ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))

Scriptnotes, Ep 229: Random Advice 2015 — Transcript

December 24, 2015 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](http://johnaugust.com/2015/random-advice-2015).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** And this is Episode 229 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters, except not today because today is very special. Today is not like all other days.

**Craig:** No. Today we’re going to be doing this interesting thing. I think we’ve only done it once before where we answer questions not about screenwriting, per se, but about life, because you and I are wise.

**John:** Mm-hmm. And we are alive and we have experience with life.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** I’ve gone through 45 years of life and I feel like I have some things to share. But I don’t know enough about certain topics. Like people wrote in with some really sophisticated questions that were beyond my level of expertise. And so we thought we needed a medical professional to help us out on —

**Craig:** A real doctor.

**John:** A real doctor. And so we searched far and wide for who is the biggest doctor we know.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And the biggest, brightest, kindest doctor we know is Doc McStuffins, which is why we’re so excited to welcome to the program, Chris Nee, creator and executive producer of Doc McStuffins.

**Chris Nee:** I think we’re all hoping that everyone is taking their medical advice from Doc McStuffins these days.

**Craig:** Yeah, exactly. Doc McStuffins, I don’t believe, has ever been sued.

**Chris:** Not yet. No.

**Craig:** Or maybe a settlement?

**Chris:** Well, I mean if there’s a settlement, we don’t have to disclose it.

**Craig:** Got it. Got it.

**Chris:** She has a good lawyer, for god’s sakes. [laughs]

**Craig:** Doc McStuffins is constantly being dragged into court, like, oh, it was great on the show but then afterwards, my —

**John:** My teddy bear exploded.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** My stuffed limb fell off.

**Chris:** I mean, we would have a disclaimer on the show but kids can’t read it, so what’s the point in having it?

**Craig:** You should do that, by the way, like a crazy long scroll at the end of every show just like in the pharmaceutical ads. [laughs]

**Chris:** The pharmaceutical ad version of our show is perfect.

**Craig:** It would be awesome.

**Chris:** Done.

**John:** So in case you don’t have children, you may not be aware of what Doc McStuffins is. It is a phenomenon. It is one of the most popular television programs for the younger kids in the world. It is a Peabody winner. It is an NAACP Image Award winner for Best Children’s Program. It sold $500 million worth of merchandise in 2013.

**Craig:** Was that a million? 500 million?

**John:** $500 million worth of merchandise.

**Craig:** And obviously, Chris, you get —

**Chris:** And that’s what they’ve admitted. [laughs]

**Craig:** You get about what? 90% of that?

**Chris:** Oh, definitely, like a straight 90%.

**Craig:** You get a straight 90 of —

**Chris:** It doesn’t even go to Disney. It just goes straight into my bank account.

**Craig:** 90% of 9% of 0.01% of fourteenth one millionth of a percent.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Chris:** Yeah. And I mean, I think the clear thing in this episode is we’re not talking about writing, but if you want to make money in this business, animation.

**Craig:** Right. Animation for Disney in particular. [laughs]

**Chris:** Definitely. [laughs] Animation writer. I mean, right there, you are solid.

**John:** Solid.

**Chris:** Solid.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Perhaps people without the visual will not know that she’s being —

**Chris:** That I’m smirking right now? [laughs]

**John:** Totally sarcastic. So I do, at some point, want to have you on the show to talk about animation and children’s television and writing outside of a WGA contract, which is what your show would have to be written under. But today, it’s all about other things. And so I think we should just start off with a question.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Because I always screw up when we try to read questions aloud, Craig, would you read this first question from Alex?

**Craig:** I will, yeah, because it’s lengthy.

**Chris:** I was going to say, it seems like an entire hour’s worth of question right there. But go.

**Craig:** Well, watch how expeditiously I mow through this. Alex writes, “I’m 29 years old. My partner and I are in a long distance relationship. He is in Central Florida, I am in Miami, about four hours for non-Floridians. We’ve been together nearly two years, and for the most part, our relationship is good. We love each other and make lots of sacrifices to make our scheduling work out and still live a seemingly normal life. Our friends constantly forget we are long distance because we make the impossible seem so possible.”

So far, I have to say, I don’t see the question. Everything is working out great.

**John:** Alex, congratulations.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Chris:** I also don’t see love or — sorry, I’m jumping ahead.

**Craig:** We’ll get there. We’ll get there.

**John:** All right.

**Craig:** Alex continues. “I currently work full time at an ad agency in Miami but I also attend a local university as I work toward my bachelor’s degree, first generation college student in my family. I won’t be taking classes this spring as I will be applying to out of state schools to start in the fall.” Ah-ha, and so the worm turns, out of state schools.

“My partner is in news and he just got a job in the Northeast Boston, so our long distance will become much longer distance. He wants me obviously to move there with him at some point this upcoming year. But as I’m studying film and want to write for television, I don’t feel like this is where I want or need to go. I advise that I will apply and if it makes sense, I will make the move but only if it makes sense for me career-wise. He understands that.”

Oh, okay. I don’t see the question. There was a hint of a question but then he undid the hint. Well, let’s see what happens.

“My questions are,” ah-ha, “One, I’m 29 already,” hmm, he’s getting his bachelor’s degree at 29, all right.

**John:** First generation college student.

**Craig:** Fair enough.

**John:** He took care of some things.

**Craig:** Yeah. He took care of some business before that. “I’m 29 already and still not anywhere near Hollywood or building that crucial foundation of experience from those early mid-20s that I hear so much about on your show. I wasted — ” there we go, “I wasted many years doing a lot of nothing.”

So your theory that he was busy working, apparently he’s wasted a lot of years doing nothing. [laughs]

**Chris:** I also want to say, the clear sign of a 29-year-old is thinking that 29 is old.

**Craig:** I know.

**Chris:** That is so 29. [laughs]

**Craig:** God, I wish I were that old. “So I wasted many years doing a lot of nothing and the past few years have been great regarding my school work and overall financial work stability, and most of all, my drive to succeed. What advice could you give me regarding this situation?” That’s question number one.

And question number two, “Sometimes I feel like my partner doesn’t get my goals or doesn’t quite grasp how much I want to create and write for a living. He wants as much time as possible together. But I need plenty of alone time to write and create and study, obviously. But working full time and being in a long distance relationship makes that really hard, especially when the relationship depends on that one-on-one time that we get so little of.”

Well, I think we know everything. We have all details.

**John:** We have all details. So, Chris Nee, where do we begin with Alex and advice for Alex?

**Chris:** That’s a really good question. I mean, I’m just saying there’s so much detail in this letter and I’m not seeing the reason for the relationship. If you’re going to give me that you’re a first generation college student and four hours between Miami and Central Florida, I haven’t heard anything about the partner that makes this feel like the relationship that is worth changing your life to make work. I just noticed the absence of.

**John:** All right.

**Craig:** Divorce McStuffins over here. [laughs]

**John:** So I also noticed that lack of like, well, what is the nature of that relationship? So that’s why I Facebook stalked them and figured out who they were.

**Craig:** Oh. Wait, hold on, hold on. I have a prediction.

**John:** I want you to predict who Alex is and what this —

**Craig:** Well, if he’s famous, I can’t predict that. But I suspect that his partner is a bit older than he is.

**John:** You are incorrect.

**Chris:** Oh.

**Craig:** His partner is what, like 16? [laughs]

**John:** His partner, they seem to be matched in age.

**Craig:** Oh, okay.

**John:** They look very, very cute together.

**Craig:** Okay, all right.

**John:** So Alex has a tremendous number of tattoos and he’s sort of a big, not bearish, but sort of bear-adjacent, sort of like Miami kind of bear.

**Chris:** Interesting. Yeah, sure.

**Craig:** By the way, I got my beard now.

**Chris:** Bear-adjacent. You are a bear-adjacent.

**Craig:** Would I qualify as cub? I don’t think I’m big enough for a bear.

**Chris:** You’re like teddy bear adjacent.

**John:** Yeah, yeah.

**Craig:** I’m teddy bear, yeah.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I’m in between cub and bear. [laughs]

**John:** So I should say Alex does not look like you but his boyfriend sort of — if you were to shave your beard, he looks sort of ballpark of you.

**Craig:** Got it.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** So very handsome. Well, Alex, don’t let that guy go.

**John:** So I think just reading the question, I was sort of like, Chris, I was like, well, is it really worth, you know, trying to bank everything on this relationship? But I also feel like you’re in Miami, you don’t want to be in Miami, you want to be someplace else, Boston’s not a bad place to be. And if you’re going to jump, jump now.

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** If your relationship’s going to work, you’re going to have to live together at some point. Try living together in Boston. If it doesn’t work —

**Chris:** But you know that when you live together is when you don’t have alone time. I mean, someone in a long distance relationship complaining that they don’t have alone time and that’s why they aren’t writing —

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** Seems like there are a lot of reasons why this person is not writing and is expecting someone else to understand their need to write, which is to me such a classic — that person who dreams of being a writer but isn’t actually doing the work. That’s on you.

**Craig:** I’m a little concerned here. Here’s what concerns me. What Alex professes he wants to do is be a writer and work for film or television. I think he mentioned television — no, but studying film, and wants to write for television. Then do it, right?

**Chris:** Yes.

**Craig:** So that’s number one. He says that he wants to now apply towards additional education. I’m not sure why. I don’t think additional education is required. John went to —

**Chris:** You already won with your family.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Chris:** You are the one who graduated from college.

**Craig:** Right, exactly.

**Chris:** Done. Check. So move on.

**Craig:** Move on. Exactly. And screenwriting is one of those wonderful gigs where you actually don’t need formal education. I didn’t have it. John did. I don’t know if you went to film school or —

**Chris:** I was an acting major.

**Craig:** Oh, lord.

**Chris:** [laughs] That’s a whole other story.

**Craig:** Well, that explains so much. But I think that what’s happening here is Alex is creating roadblocks that don’t need to be there. Look, unless he’s planning on moving to LA tomorrow, which doesn’t sound like he is, why not go to Boston? Why not hang out in Boston? It is an awesome city.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** Yup.

**Craig:** And start writing. I feel almost like he’s asking for permission to break up with his partner.

**John:** Yeah. We have one of those questions later on and —

**Craig:** Where someone literally asks for permission.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** I think they actually want you, Craig, to be the one to do the breakup.

**Craig:** Well, we’ll get there.

**Chris:** Can you get on the phone and do that live?

**Craig:** Well, that’s I think the one straight relationship that we’re asked about in our questions, so I’ll give him my straight expertise on that one. [laughs] But I feel like Alex, he says he’s 29. The question feels a little young to me.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It feels a little young for 29 and I think that he needs to ask himself — look, he says, “We love each other. For the most part, our relationship is good. We love each other.” And they’ve already put in all this work. My feeling is, Alex, give it a shot to have a regular relationship where you’re actually living with this person —

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** And spending time with them. And I got to tell you, this whole issue of your spouse or significant other not understanding your need to write and all the rest of it, that doesn’t go away. You’re going to have to find the person that kind of gets that. And maybe, Alex, your partner will get it once you write something.

**Chris:** I was actually going to say the exact same thing. I feel like often that question of people not understanding your being a writer, means that you aren’t really writing and you aren’t getting out there and putting — it’s the dream. It’s the thing you talk about. I wish, I think, I might, wouldn’t it be great if. And they don’t believe in it because you kind of don’t believe in it in some inherent way, I think.

**John:** I think staying in Miami is a bad choice. I’m glad that you’re not staying in Miami. Whether you apply to schools and get into a great program or you move up to Boston, I think they’re both better choices than staying put. I think you do owe it to yourself and to this relationship, if you like this guy, move up there and see how it works. And no harm, no foul. If it doesn’t work out, great.

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** And you’re in Boston. If this guy was moving to Topeka, and it’s like he wants me to follow him to Topeka, it’s like, well, that’s Topeka, that’s a red flag. [laughs]

**Craig:** That’s their city motto, by the way.

**Chris:** Yeah. [laughs]

**Craig:** Welcome to Topeka. We’re a red flag. [laughs]

**John:** But Boston is great. And so, try Boston. If Boston is not for you, if that relationship is not for you, you haven’t lost much.

**Chris:** And either way, it’s about moving forward. I think with both questions, you’re exactly right, there’s a roadblock and that he’s putting up and he needs to take action.

**Craig:** Also, Alex is attempting to continue his education. What a shame that his partner wants to move to Boston which is bereft of school. [laughs] I mean, it’s like the biggest college town in the world practically. I don’t know, Alex. You’ve never experienced what it means to be in a full relationship with this guy —

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** Because of the long distance issue. So I would recommend giving it a shot. You may be pleasantly surprised. And if it doesn’t work, well, pull the plug.

**John:** You have three votes for try.

**Chris:** Yup.

**John:** Annie Hayes who was our assistant in Austin —

**Craig:** Oh, Annie.

**John:** Austin Annie.

**Craig:** Austin Annie is great.

**John:** She wrote in to ask, “What tips do you have for dealing with the obnoxious black sheep member of the family who likes to stir up trouble at holiday gatherings?”

**Chris:** [laughs]

**Craig:** All right —

**Chris:** Well, the question is, are you the one? And, Craig, I’m looking at you. [laughs]

**Craig:** Well, that’s the whole thing. Like look around the table —

**Chris:** What’s your family say?

**Craig:** If you don’t know who the sucker is. It’s you.

**Chris:** Well, I mean I always think like, isn’t this the reason why all of us moved 3,000 miles away from home? I feel like so many writers —

**Craig:** Check.

**Chris:** Are far away. It’s that classic, we’re the ones who move to New York and LA and, yes, some of us, our family’s from there. But most of us are the people who don’t live at home and go home. [laughs] Take it in. Know you’re getting on your plane. And then write a scene about it.

**Craig:** But Annie, she lives in Austin? Because I know she was Austin Annie.

**John:** No, no, she lives in East Coast. I think she lives in New York.

**Craig:** Okay. So she —

**Chris:** What if the advice to every question is move? [laughs]

**Craig:** Move. I know. Just keep moving. The worst —

**John:** Never stop.

**Craig:** Why do people keep asking us these questions? We’re so broken as individuals. [laughs] Well, let’s say that Annie lives in New York year round and her family is there in New York and everybody gets along great, but it’s just that cousin Brenda shows up from out of town, so she’s the us, so Brenda’s the us.

**Chris:** Right. [laughs]

**Craig:** So she shows up out of town and is a jerk. Everyone has somebody in the family that we can all agree to roll our eyes over. And I think sometimes if you just put them in that box in your mind, then they can’t really upset you anymore. It’s sort of like, yes, you’re absolutely playing the character that you were meant to play.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** And there you go. And it’s happening, just like it always does. And I can’t get upset because it’s like you’re a wind-up automaton that must do this.

**Chris:** Yeah. First of all, alcohol. Second of all, find your person at the table that you can talk to them about —

**Craig:** Classic Irish advice.

**Chris:** Sure, exactly. [laughs] Whiskey. Whiskey and moving are my two — emigrate and drink are the two things — [laughs]

**Craig:** Sometimes people see the name Chris Nee, N-E-E, and they’re like is she Korean? No, she’s Irish.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** She’s leprechaun Irish.

**Chris:** Although, I was famously hired on a show for Disney because they needed an Asian male voice.

**Craig:** Chris Nee.

**Chris:** And we didn’t say anything because, frankly, why would you? Take the job. I worked for two seasons on that show.

**Craig:** And they kept waiting for you to provide that perspective. [laughs]

**Chris:** No, there was just a beautiful moment where like at some point they realized they couldn’t say anything —

**Craig:** Right. Oh, that’s amazing. [laughs]

**Chris:** In the actual room. The showrunners were friends of mine and they kind were like, “Do we say something?”

**Craig:** You didn’t look — no, I thought you would be a little taller or —

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Black hair. [laughs]

**Chris:** Or with a penis.

**John:** Or a man.

**Craig:** Or a penis.

**Chris:** [laughs]

**Craig:** Or Asian.

**Chris:** Or Asian.

**Craig:** But not —

**Chris:** No. But famously did say it in a final speech, as the head of this part of Disney was leaving, said, “Chris Nee who is neither Asian, nor male,” into a microphone, and everyone just kind of — and I was like, “That is going to be my tagline for the rest of my life.”

**Craig:** Neither Asian —

**Chris:** Chris nee, neither Asian, nor male.

**Craig:** Nor male. But as a fine, proud Irish woman, your recommendation, number one, drinking. [laughs]

**Chris:** Drink. Yes.

**Craig:** Great.

**Chris:** Number two, find someone else to make fun. And number three, realize that that person is always the most unhappy person in the room.

**Craig:** It is true. It is true.

**Chris:** Just be happier than they are.

**John:** The good thing about holiday gatherings is they are, by definition, short. They’re like a once or twice a year thing. And you’ll just get through them. Craig, you probably know what the term for this test where like you stick your hand in ice water and basically how long you can stand being —

**Craig:** The cold pressor test.

**John:** Yeah. And so essentially, like it’s how long you can stand to have your hand in that ice water. And it’s like, at a certain point, you pull out your hand and you’ll be done — but you know your hand is not actually being hurt.

**Craig:** No. It’s like for the nerds out there, if you’ve read Dune, there’s the test they do where the Bene Gesserit — Chris, of course, you’re familiar with this. Bene Gesserit —

**Chris:** I’m all over it.

**Craig:** Yes. They are searching for the Kwisatz Haderach and part of the test is that he has to put his hand in this box where he experiences terrible pain. And what he repeats to himself over and over, “Fear is the mind killer.” And I think when you are stuck in these torture situations, you just remind yourself that fear is the mind killer, it will be over.

**Chris:** I like that we just took this slightly obnoxious aunt and turned her into the fear box. [laughs]

**Craig:** Yeah. The pain box. That’s right.

**John:** A few other practical suggestions. Have some handy topics to switch to if the aunt goes on her crazy tirade. There’s always some neutral things you can talk about that no one ever —

**Craig:** No question. And you’re probably really good at that. I’m not good at that because I’m everything in me, all of my DNA says do the opposite of that. But what I have always made it my business to find one person that I can make secret looks with —

**Chris:** Yes. That’s my person in the room.

**Craig:** That’s your person in the room.

**Chris:** You and I would totally be the person in the room.

**Craig:** We would be the person —

**Chris:** Except we’d be so obvious. [laughs]

**Craig:** Boo-hoo.

**Chris:** Because I’d be drunk.

**Craig:** You know what? The black sheep is being really obvious, too. So I don’t care. I need to be able to look at my friend and just go, “Hmm.”

**Chris:** I just want to clarify that the black sheep and the obnoxious person are often two different people.

**John:** That’s true.

**Chris:** I say that as a black sheeper.

**Craig:** Right. Well, Annie defined it as the obnoxious black sheep in the family.

**Chris:** Oh, I understand. Yeah, she did.

**Craig:** The way I look at it because of me is I’m fine, all of my family are all black sheep.

**Chris:** You look at it like a straight white man.

**Craig:** Exactly. My privilege is that I’m fine and everybody else is broken.

**John:** So on Facebook when someone’s being obnoxious you can click the ignore button and they disappear from your feed. And I was at a holiday gathering with my husband, Mike, and I saw him sort of click the ignore button in real life, right. [laughs] It’s like he mentally like hit that big button and just like that person just no longer existed in his world. And it was just sort of amazing.

**Craig:** Amazing.

**John:** It was amazing.

**Craig:** Well, it’s like —

**Chris:** Eventually, we’ll be able to do that in —

**Craig:** Yeah. Like if they have mute on Twitter, there’ll be an implant and I can just mute you.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** And you won’t know.

**John:** Yeah. [laughs]

**Craig:** And my implant will allow me to respond pleasantly to you.

**Chris:** And then they’re going to say, “God, you’re such a good listener.”

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** That’s fantastic.

**Craig:** And I won’t even hear that.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**John:** The last trick, I think Chris had mentioned this at the start is, you know, when people are terrible, they’re generating material for you.

**Chris:** Yes.

**John:** So just let that little red light in the left-hand corner light up and like just record what they’re saying and use them as a character. And then it becomes useful that they were a terrible person.

**Chris:** And never piss off a writer.

**John:** No.

**Craig:** It’s a bad idea. You will see yourself one day — although, that’s the problem. The idiots never realize it’s them.

**Chris:** No, they don’t. [laughs]

**Craig:** They’re just like, “Oh, my god. I saw your movie. That person was the worst.”

**John:** Worst. Craig, our next question.

**Craig:** All right. Peter writes in, oh boy, “Our boss has spent all of our allocated Christmas party budget on ‘something else.’ Subsequently, we are the only department to have to pay for their own Christmas party this year and while I am aware of the first world problem nature of this, I am not going to take umbrage with having to spend a few of my own dollars on food and booze. But what I will take umbrage with is budget mismanagement. This isn’t a case of illegality, simply being bad at your job. Is it worth pursuing and making a fuss about?”

**John:** Chris Nee?

**Chris:** I think this is going to work out really well. [laughs]

**Craig:** I have written up the following complaint —

**John:** And I’m going to read it at the Christmas party.

**Craig:** Yes.

**Chris:** And I’m delivering it to you, my boss.

**Craig:** Yes.

**Chris:** It’s about you but —

**Craig:** The following memo policy I have —

**Chris:** That’s how it is. [laughs]

**Craig:** In triplicate, I have lodged a description of your mismanagement.

**Chris:** And you’re Jewish but I’m worried about the Christmas party. Like it just, it seems wrong all around.

**Craig:** So, wait, why was the cheap boss Jewish?

**Chris:** [laughs]

**Craig:** So much for my privilege. Shot to hell.

**Chris:** Yeah, you just became one of us.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** One of you.

**John:** Yeah. You have white privilege whenever it’s handy, but then the rest —

**Craig:** I have white privilege until people find out I’m Jewish. And then it’s like, “Nah, pick up that penny.”

**Chris:** No, but I did wonder where the Christmas party was happening, that it wasn’t a holiday party. I’m just asking the question.

**John:** Well, the Christmas party clearly was happening at Dunder Mifflin because this is very much an Office plot.

**Craig:** Yeah. It feels Dunder Mifflin-y. I mean, it does suck. I mean, look, it’s unfair I think that there was once a time in this great land where, you know, second half of December, your work place treated you like a human being.

**Chris:** Yes.

**Craig:** You had a party. People felt like, “Oh, you know what? You’re not just a cog in this machine. You’re not a human resource. I know your name. Let’s have a drink. Let’s actually know each other as people, something good might come out of this. We might even be better at our jobs.” And then it just became, you know, corporate and lame.

And this is really bad because he’s in a department. I’m already —

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I hate a job where I’m in a department. And now, everyone else’s department is like, “Tralalalala,” and I’m like stopping on every floor, looking at all their mirth. And then I get to my floor and it’s Scrooge and Marley.

**Chris:** Peter doesn’t get to make bad mistakes at the Christmas party.

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** And that’s wrong.

**Craig:** It’s wrong.

**Chris:** One should be able to do inappropriate things at your Christmas party so that people can talk about it all year long.

**John:** I have a hard time believing that this Christmas party fiasco was the worst case of mismanagement from his boss.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** No.

**John:** If this boss misallocated this money, this boss is making other mistakes and karma will catch up with this boss.

**Craig:** Or the boss was like, “Well, one of our employees, their child is incredibly sick. The health fund doesn’t cover all of it. I’m going to take the Christmas fund so that little Billy doesn’t go blind.” And Peter is like —

**Chris:** And that’s going to be really awkward.

**Craig:** Yeah. Peter’s like, “I kind of don’t care.”

**John:** I don’t care.

**Craig:** There’s nothing to see in the world for Billy. Where my champagne?

**Chris:** Here’s the thing. This is a ridiculous complaint. [laughs] That said —

**Craig:** Welcome to the Chris Nee Show, Peter.

**Chris:** Yeah. But that said, I do believe in this idea of humanizing the people you work with, parties are important, gatherings are important, meals are important. I work with a company that’s in Ireland. And in animation, we do a lot of overseas work. And a lot of those shows, you never meet them. And one of the things I love about the company that I work with is that we very regularly, things start to get a little — there’s a little friction between us and I will get a call and they’ll say, “You know what? It’s time for you to come to Dublin.”

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** And it is about the face-to-face. And it’s as much about being in the room as it is about being in a pub — this is all about drinking — is the point.

**Craig:** You said Ireland.

**Chris:** But it is. It’s being in a pub and getting to know people as human beings. And we’re making art and it’s hard and it’s a war. And you got to know the people that you’re with.

**Craig:** I agree.

**Chris:** That’s a department. It’s a different thing.

**Craig:** No. And look, Peter —

**Chris:** For god’s sakes, quit your job. [laughs]

**Craig:** Yeah. Ultimately, Peter, you —

**Chris:** Move.

**Craig:** Certainly pursuing a different job will get you a Christmas party quicker than the memo.

**John:** So I don’t know if you guys are listening to Serial season 2. So Bowe Bergdahl —

**Craig:** Of course not. [laughs]

**John:** Bowe Bergdahl, the —

**Craig:** The traitor.

**John:** Yes. The person at the center of this thing, he leaves his apartment —

**Chris:** I’m glad you haven’t passed judgment.

**John:** No.

**Craig:** He’s a traitor.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Flat out.

**John:** He leaves his unit because he wants to create a DUSTWUN situation which is basically like create a big enough stink that like he can really report his management, people will have to pay attention to things.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** I think Peter is in a DUSTWUN situation and he really wants this Christmas party to be his DUSTWUN where like essentially everyone’s going to see like this is a huge ball of chaos. [laughs]

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And it’s just not.

**Craig:** No. No one’s going to follow him.

**Chris:** Everyone’s like, “Thank God we don’t have a Christmas party this year.”

**John:** Yeah. Don’t start walking —

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Or also like, thank God that they were going to fire somebody and it’s Peter now because he DUSTWUN’d and he’s out there alone and the Taliban just picked him up. [laughs]

**John:** Yeah. So it’s going to be a couple of years of sadness for him. But maybe they’ll make a podcast about him.

**Chris:** I was about to say maybe somebody will eventually make a frustrating and unending podcast.

**Craig:** Thank you for describing it that way because — ugh, I got all sorts of issues. [laughs] Never mind.

**John:** Chris Nee, how about a simple question?

**Chris:** Craig hates eggnog. Good, it’s about drinking. So I think I can do fine. “Craig hates eggnog but has he tried coquito? Puerto Rican version of eggnog will change his mind.”

**Craig:** All right.

**John:** That’s Stephen from Brooklyn Heights writing in.

**Chris:** It is.

**John:** Have you tried coquito?

**Craig:** No. I have not tried coquito. And I love this. “Puerto Rican version of eggnog will change his mind.” No, no, it won’t because it’s a version of eggnog. Unless the Puerto Ricans have managed to make a version of eggnog that does not contain any of the ingredients —

**Chris:** That’s like whiskey.

**Craig:** Of eggnog, yeah, then sure. But then it’s not a version of eggnog. This is always like, I can remember when I met my wife and I hate mayonnaise. I hate it. And she’s like, well —

**Chris:** Is it wrong to say that’s a Jewish thing?

**Craig:** Not at all, because it is.

**Chris:** It is. What is that?

**Craig:** It’s because we’re God’s chosen people and he spared us the misery of that nonsense.

**Chris:** But mayonnaise in a sandwich —

**Craig:** Ugh.

**Chris:** It’s the best thing that ever happened.

**Craig:** It’s not even a food.

**Chris:** No.

**Craig:** I don’t even know how it was invented in the first place. Terrible accident. Regardless, she said, “Well, maybe you would like Miracle Whip.” [laughs] “It’s a better version of mayonnaise.” And I was like, “You stop right there. You stop right there or this is over.”

**John:** So I think we need to be fair in like actually discuss a recipe for Coquito because maybe it’s actually a different thing.

**Craig:** All right. Run it by me.

**John:** It requires two egg yolks beaten.

**Craig:** I’m out.

**Chris:** Done. I mean I’m just going to say it is eggnog.

**Craig:** Yeah, no. I’m drinking egg yolks. Next.

**John:** One can of evaporated milk.

**Craig:** It’s okay, no.

**John:** One can cream of coconut, so there’s a coconut aspect.

**Craig:** Okay, fine. So it’s a coconut eggnog.

**John:** One can sweetened condensed milk.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Oh my god, it’s all — basically all of those kind of things together.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Half cup of white rum. Some water, some ground cloves, cinnamon, vanilla.

**Craig:** Yeah. There you go, there’s the spices that make it like basically, it’s a —

**Chris:** It’s drinking potpourri?

**Craig:** It’s drinking like a cup of spiced fat with — I don’t like any alcoholic drink that has fat in it. Like I don’t do the white Russians. I don’t do the — I like an old-fashioned.

**Chris:** I like an old-fashioned, too.

**Craig:** I bet you do.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** You Irish —

**Chris:** And anything else.

**Craig:** Yeah. We’re just basically going to be the — we’re like Don Rickles-ing each other.

**Chris:** [laughs]

**Craig:** It’s like Jew and Irish jokes the whole time.

**John:** So we’re recording this at 1:30 in the afternoon. So we’re not drinking, but it sort of feels like we’re drinking because we keep referencing alcohol.

**Chris:** You know, you guys just need to put a little like Walla in the background that has the tinkling of a glass.

**Craig:** Well, and Chris always drinks in the car on the way anywhere.

**Chris:** Absolutely.

**Craig:** So it’s fine.

**Chris:** I work in preschool television. What else am I going to do?

**Craig:** What else are you going to do?

**John:** Pam Stucky asks, which is worse, moving in the wrong direction or not moving at all?

**Craig:** Very Zen question.

**Chris:** Not moving at all.

**Craig:** I would say not moving at all is worse.

**Chris:** Inertia. Yeah, you need to have movement.

**Craig:** If you move in the wrong direction, there is a possibility that you will learn from mistakes.

**Chris:** Exactly.

**John:** Exactly.

**Craig:** And you won’t go down that path twice.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** So you’ve gained information.

**Chris:** And you know what it is to move.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And you also know that you can survive moving in the wrong direction.

**Chris:** Yeah, yeah, yeah.

**John:** Absolutely. So I think that paralysis that comes with fear and indecision is worse than going the wrong way. Now, there’s a concept in D&D — Craig and I play D&D — of deferred action which is basically —

**Craig:** Getting hot yet?

**Chris:** Oh, this is exciting. [laughs]

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Which is basically choosing not to move but it’s actually a conscious choice, where like I’m choosing not to move and keep an eye on the situation. And I will move in these circumstances. And that I think is a valid thing. Basically or at least you’re really taking stock of a situation. And, you know, you’re setting triggers for like when you’re going to do things. But otherwise, it’s just apathy and you’re —

**Chris:** I was going to say, active choice is a thing.

**Craig:** Holding your fire is a good strategy. Not doing stuff because you’re not sure how it will turn out, bad strategy.

**John:** Yeah. And that was our advice to Alex, I think.

**Chris:** Yeah. I was about to say, it all comes around.

**Craig:** That’s right. It’s exactly right. Oh, great, greatest name ever. Breton Zinger. Zing. Breton Zinger says, “What do you think of the tiny house movement?”

**John:** I’m a huge fan of the tiny house movement.

**Craig:** Of course, you are.

**John:** Of course I am. The tiny house movement is of course, that idea of building really tiny little houses, sometimes portable houses that are just big enough for your needs and nothing more than that. And I think the reason why I’m a fan of the tiny house movement is I actually grew up in a motor home. Every summer, we would spend, you know, months in a motor home. So I spent a tremendous amount of time in a very small space with my family. And it was actually kind of great. And you also recognize the things you don’t need, which is basically most stuff. And only having enough food just to fill that little refrigerator. It’s great.

**Craig:** Well, you need basically a socket to plug yourself into.

**John:** Exactly.

**Craig:** Your nutrient paste.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And that’s pretty much it, I would think.

**John:** Yeah. Basically, it’s it. Every once in a while, I need, you know, a little conditioner.

**Craig:** Oil?

**John:** Yeah, yeah.

**Craig:** You need some coolant.

**Chris:** I mean, I think that in theory, but in reality, I think I would not be able to figure out what the stuff to keep and what the stuff not to keep was. I would have a hard time putting my life into a fairly small house. That said, I lived in Manhattan until I was 30, so —

**Craig:** Like everyone in Manhattan lives in a tiny house —

**Chris:** Yeah, you are — totally. Yeah. I mean, like we act as if it’s a movement, but that’s how everyone lives in Manhattan.

**Craig:** Yeah, no. I mean I remember when I first came out to LA, I had, you know, my — I shared a tiny, tiny apartment with a friend of mine and I had my tiny, tiny room. And everything was — it was a very tiny house. But, you know, I have children. There’s no tiny house.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** My god. [laughs]

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** There’s no amount of space — they are like a gas. They can fill any space. If my house were 1,000 acres, there would be crap all over the floor in every room.

**Chris:** Yeah. And they’d be in whatever room you were in.

**Craig:** Yeah, totally. And that’s the other thing. It’s like, oh my god, why are you — why did you have to come here to fart? That’s what it means to be a parent. Like you walked across my property to fart next to me. I’m not a huge house guy and I’m not a tiny, tiny house guy. I think there’s a basic decent size for things.

**John:** The Goldilocks principle.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Chris:** I’m a Venice liver, so it’s like we’re 2,000 square feet and near the ocean.

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** So our backyard is the ocean. Fantastic.

**Craig:** That’s pretty good.

**Chris:** Well done.

**Craig:** Yes.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**John:** So I would say, I’m a fan of the tiny house movement, but I feel like it’s unrealistic for certain people. And certain people will approach it with like this zeal and this passion that borders on obsession and like when it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out.

**Craig:** If you’re building a home out of some sort of idealistic principle, I don’t know, did I send — or I think I tweeted this great essay somebody wrote where they were just complaining about Thoreau and how Thoreau is just a dick. And I’m totally in agreement. Thoreau is the worst. That whole nonsense is the worst, going, I went into the woods. Good. Stay there because you hate everything. You hate pleasure. You hate people. You hate progress.

**Chris:** If you went into the woods because you love the woods, fine.

**Craig:** Right. No. But it was all —

**Chris:** Don’t do things because of the negative.

**Craig:** It’s like, yeah, like oh my woods are great. And everybody else is stupid.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Tiny house. [laughs]

**John:** With your tiny house.

**Craig:** Yeah, exactly. Watch what I do to your tiny house?

**John:** Pam Stucky asks, Ham asked a couple of questions that were all really good, so I put a few in. W.H. Auden — is it Auden or Odin?

**Craig:** I think it’s Auden.

**Chris:** Auden.

**John:** Auden. Writes, if equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me. Is that good advice or fool’s advice?

**Chris:** That is a good one.

**Craig:** What do you think, Chris? I have an answer.

**Chris:** I think it depends on how much of a sap you are as the more loving one. [laughs]

**Craig:** Good.

**Chris:** Can you tell him that I write a loving, loving show —

**Craig:** Yeah. [laughs]

**Craig:** For small children. I mean I think it depends. Be the more loving one, be the one non-vindictive one, fantastic. Keep your heart open, fantastic. But if you’re pining for someone who is not there, that’s a different thing.

**Craig:** Yeah, no, I agree with that. I would say, if I had to choose, I would want to be the more loving one.

**Chris:** Sure.

**Craig:** I think that there is a joy in that sort of thing. And two, I don’t know, it’s also uncomfortable I think to be in a lopsided deal where someone is just way more into you than you are into them. It makes you turn into like an agent that is, oh I’m not, no, no, I’ll take that later. Yeah. Just tell them I’m out.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** I don’t like that. I find it’s more fun — I think the whole point of love is to go outwards anyway.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** I would agree.

**Craig:** So I’m a sap is basically a good deal.

**John:** Aw, Craig’s a big sap. The other thing I would want to clarify is that love isn’t just one thing. And so there’s a sort of different aspects of love. And so even if you’re not perfectly equal in certain different aspects of it, the overall quantity, the overall sort of net effective of it could be much more balanced out than it might appear on first glance. There’s a great Livingston Evans song called Let Me Be Loved which is sort of a sad plaintiff cry like let me be loved, let someone care for me.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And that is the sad manifestation of that where like —

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** That pining for somebody and like you don’t get anything back.

**Craig:** Unrequited love is miserable.

**John:** It is miserable.

**Chris:** It is miserable.

**Craig:** Isn’t it the worst?

**Chris:** It is. [laughs]

**John:** Yeah. I mean it can foster a lot of great art because it’s a true human emotion. I think a lot of our great love stories have sort of come from that unrequited love.

**Craig:** That ache.

**John:** That ache.

**Craig:** It’s the worst feeling. It’s the worst feeling. But we’ve all felt it. I mean that’s the thing.

**Chris:** Absolutely.

**Craig:** I don’t —

**Chris:** And you carry it with you for a lifetime.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** That scar is always there.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It’s so true.

**Chris:** I can see it in you.

**Craig:** Yeah. Well, it only happened once. Most of the time when I love somebody, they’re like —

**Chris:** They love you back.

**Craig:** Thank god you’re here.

**Chris:** Hardcore, too much.

**Craig:** I’ve been waiting. Yeah.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**John:** But it’s interesting being on the other side of that sometimes. I’ve been the one person who’s been loved much more than I loved them back.

**Craig:** Yes.

**John:** And that is a weird burden you feel.

**Craig:** And I don’t like that because then I really do feel like, oh, yeah, you know, it’s not for us. We did really like the writing, just not terrific. It’s like you feel manipulative. You feel fake. You feel like you’re pandering someone.

**Chris:** I also think it’s harder as a friendship relationship because — I mean if you’re talking about a love relationship, if you’re not equally into each other, you end up in the breakup place. And it’s a clear delineation. What happens in the friendship world is when someone wants to be more of a friend or considers you a better friend than you consider them, that is such a — and it puts you into the horrible place of actually, you kind of at some point kind of have to be a not great person in that moment.

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** To clarify where you’re at because the relationship doesn’t inherently clarify itself.

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** Is that why you talk to me the way you do?

**Chris:** It is why I talk to you. I mean I’m trying to hint to you.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It’s not going to stop me.

**Chris:** That’s okay.

**Craig:** Because I —

**Chris:** You can spend all your time reading up on my issues.

**Craig:** I love you.

**Chris:** I love you too.

**John:** Dave hanging out in Fontana. Craig, you ask this question.

**Craig:** Oh. Oh sure, give me the straight one. Okay, fine. Dave — by the way, what’s straighter than hanging out in Fontana? I’m not gay. I’m hanging out in Fontana. Dave, hanging out in Fontana. How does one end a long-term relationship without leaving a scar? It’s funny. I think we just asked that.

**Chris:** Yes, I think we did.

**Craig:** Asked and answered. My girl of seven years wants marriage and kids. I want to keep my dirt bike collection. This guy really is literally on the cover of Straight Dude Magazine.

**Chris:** [laughs] He is.

**Craig:** My girl of seven years wants marriage. It doesn’t even like, wants —

**Chris:** And he’s from the 1940s.

**Craig:** And also like, she doesn’t want to get married and have kids. She wants marriage and kids. I want to keep my dirt bike collection.

**Chris:** I do think you should write, this guy.

**Craig:** I know. Thought about cheating just to give her a permission slip to leave. But I love her —

**Chris:** That was nice of you.

**Craig:** I know. But I love her too much to thermo nuke bridges. Okay, again, straightest man in history.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** He doesn’t —

**Chris:** Maybe too straight.

**Craig:** He’s literally too straight for me. He thermo nukes bridges. Not enough to burn then. Nuke it from orbit.

**John:** Absolutely. He’s basically like he’s playing Call of Duty with this relationship. [laughs]

**Craig:** He literally is like, should I call an airstrike down on this or what? Then he continues, respectful side question, are gay breakups any different than straight? Oh my god, dude, you have no idea. Last random advice episode, Craig’s marriage proposal, fly to Alaska, that’s true, had a whole other vibe to John’s pickup paperwork at the courthouse. But John is a robot, you have to understand like John’s proposal has nothing to do with being gay. That was John plotted the most efficient path to proposal. [laughs] It certainly didn’t involve traveling.

**Chris:** Either that or I mean I don’t know about you, John, but we ended up considering our marriage, it was the year of forced gay marriage because like, we were already completely committed to each other. We had built our house together. We had a child together and then marriage became legal. And we were kind of like, you know, we’re already there.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** We’re legally taken —

**Craig:** The window is open.

**Chris:** We’re legally taken care of. Like what difference does it make? And then it was actually a health insurance. It was —

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** Writers Guild health insurance at some point said, well, your domestic partnership isn’t going to work anymore and so by the end of the year you have to get married. What I love is like, you know, we’re sneakying, backdooring into gay marriage and then like we were forced to get married. And we were kind of like, well, I guess, we have to get married.

**Craig:** That’s a great — like how has somebody not done that movie where —

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** A gay couple is together and they’ve been like, we’re married and then someone is like, oh yeah, no, you can get married so have to or there’s no more health insurance and then one of them is like, ahhh.

**Chris:** Yes. [laughs]

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Ahhh.

**John:** Yeah. There was a nice sort of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle where it was like, you know, or Schrödinger’s cat.

**Craig:** Schrödinger’s marriage. Yeah.

**John:** And so where it’s like, you were sort of married but not kind of married. And when you actually had to get married, I think there probably were some breakups that happened because it was like, well, are we actually going to do this thing or are we just being heteronormative by getting married?

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** All that stuff. But let’s get back to Dave’s question.

**Craig:** Okay. Dave. Straightest man ever.

**John:** Straightest man alive. Because I actually have a straight friend who did essentially what Dave suggested which like deliberately had the affair to nuke the relationship. And then it didn’t work. Because then had to sort of like —

**Craig:** Oh my god. [laughs]

**John:** Stay in the relationship like another two years after that.

**Craig:** Okay. Look, Dave, straight guy to straight guy, Dave.

**Chris:** Dave.

**Craig:** Dave, here’s the deal. This is kind of a bunch of bull, all right? First of all, you can be married and have children and also have dirt bikes, did you know that? It’s not like the license is connected to being single.

**Chris:** Apparently, she’s already let you have the dirt bikes.

**Craig:** I mean she’s already the kind of girl that lets you have dirt bikes. So I think the problem here is you just want out. You don’t want to do this.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** You say you love her too much to thermo nuke bridges. Do you know how little love that requires? That means I love her too much to not do the worst possible thing, right? So it doesn’t sound like this is working out here. You want to be a gentleman about this and not be passive. Cheating on her and hurting her doubly so that she dumps you? You think that that’s going to tickle and feel okay as opposed to you sitting down and going, listen, here’s the deal, I don’t want children. And I don’t want to get married. And just saying that right now, I’m comfortable the way things are and if you’re not, you have to make a decision. That’s what a man does, bro.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** So bro up, okay? I mean, come on. And yeah, I don’t personally — I’m just guessing that gay breakups aren’t any different than straight. I mean the marriage part — you got to understand about gay marriage proposals is that — I mean when I proposed to my wife, we’d been together for five years, were fairly new in our relationship, you know, relatively speaking. But most gay couples I know that are married, that was like already after 12 years.

**Chris:** That’s right. They were already married and committed that moment had passed.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** You don’t do romantic stuff like that. That seems stupid. It’s like, why would I do —

**Chris:** 15 years in. No one really wants to throw a party.

**Craig:** Yeah. Like you say to Lisa, you know what, um, a surprise trip to Italy. And she’s like, wait, what? How much did you spend on that? I don’t want to go there. Can we go somewhere else?

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And then you’re like, screw it. So I think that your respectful side question asked and answered. But it sounds like you just got to bro up, bro.

**John:** He’s going to bro up and breakup in the proper way. But he was to breakup. He can’t —

**Chris:** Oh yeah, you don’t want to be in this relationship. It’s clear.

**John:** There’s no question. Like you have to break up. I mean you can’t allow the status quo to continue because if she genuinely wants kids and you don’t want kids, don’t let her think like she’ll be able to convince you to have kids down the road.

**Craig:** Right. I mean, there’s a mild chance I think where you she would say, you know what, I’m okay with that. I’ll stick around with you and no marriage and no kids. I don’t buy it.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I don’t think so. I mean, generally when one person wants —

**Chris:** And ultimately, if you love her enough to not blow it up, then you love her enough to let her be free or give her honesty or have a real relationship.

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** I mean, the fact that he’s writing you two before having a conversation with her —

**Craig:** It’s kind of —

**Chris:** I’m just going to say —

**John:** I want to say that this is the crappy boyfriend in a romantic comedy. And so like where the woman is actually the lead and he is the guy who like leaves at the start of the movie and like sets her free and then she becomes a great character.

**Craig:** And then he comes back.

**John:** Yes.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** On his dirt bike —

**John:** So Dave in Fontana, we want you to go away so that she can actually become who she is supposed to be because she’s not becoming who she’s supposed to be because you’re around.

**Chris:** Exactly.

**Craig:** That said, this guy does sound like you’d be awesome to hang out with in Fontana. I mean, I totally would. He’s got dirt bikes —

**Chris:** Next time you’re in Fontana, look him up.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** He throws thermo nuke around.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Like a general verb.

**John:** Get a 12-pack of Tecate and hang out and talk through some stuff.

**Craig:** I mean, I would bro it up with him.

**John:** One thing I will say that is different about sort of gay breakups is that obviously there’s a cliché like lesbians never really break up and that they stay friends forever. But that’s actually sort of I think more true in gay guys as well, definitely like you break up with people and like they stay friends in ways that like men and women can never really sort of stay friends that way, so —

**Craig:** That’s interesting.

**Chris:** Yeah, I agree.

**John:** There’s a person I broke up with who I still see out all the time.

**Craig:** Right. You’re like, hey, and he’s like, hey.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** Yeah, agreed.

**Craig:** You know, that’s a really interesting point because the only kind of gay break up I’ve ever had was with my former writing partner. And that’s like, that’s a marriage and a divorce.

**Chris:** Yes, it is.

**Craig:** And it was traumatic, you know. But yeah, totally cool. I guess I’m like, whatever — we hang out and he’s a great guy.

**Chris:** But don’t you think, marriage kind of played into that? I mean there is going to be a whole new generation of gay kids and gay adults and that will be a whole another story in 20 years. But I feel like there is that paradigm of straight relationships that they both have an idea that they are supposed to get married. Here’s something I never understood, I never understood the straight relationship version of I’m going to ask her to marry me, and if she says no or it’s the woman who says, if he says no, if he doesn’t want to marry me, we’re breaking up.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** And I feel like, gay relationships, we don’t have that. We were together because we wanted to be together and there’s a friendship there.

**Craig:** Isn’t that tied to the baby thing?

**Chris:** I think it is totally tied to all of that stuff.

**Craig:** I mean, there’s a lot of baby pressure on straight women.

**John:** Yeah. But I think this baby pressure obviously for women because there’s certain years you can do it.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**John:** But I think even for gay guys at a certain point, like, do you want kids or not have kids? And you have to decide about that before you’re 40.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** Well, there’s another thing with straight marriages I think. And that is for straight men, I don’t think this exists, but for straight women, there is a status issue attached to marriage. This is a common complaint you’ll see like, the mothers, why aren’t you married yet? Well, your sister is married and my younger sister just got married and all my friends are getting married. And everyone is like, you’re a loser because you’re not married. And I don’t know if that’s necessarily true in the gay community for men or women.

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** I think it will be increasingly true, though. I think —

**Chris:** Yes, I agree. I think, yes.

**John:** I think they have normalized — that pressure will be normalized as well.

**Chris:** I totally agree.

**Craig:** Because I think that’s why a lot of women are like, if you say no, I’m breaking up with you, because I got to find somebody that says yes because marriage is —

**Chris:** Right. But I think what it means is that often — I think there are a lot of straight couples who end up together in a way that isn’t just about we love each other and we love hanging out with each other.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Chris:** They’re working towards this goal which is, I got to find the person who’s going to say yes, put the ring on it and all of that. And I feel like straight relationships, that’s where they differ from gay relationships and why I think often gay relationships form friendships afterwards.

**John:** There’s also this weird sort of cultural power disparity where in straight relationships, there’s an expectation that he’s going to ask and she’s going to answer.

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** And then they’ll be married.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And that there’s no norms yet for what that is like in gays.

**Craig:** Well, you know, I can only speak for my experience, but also in just thinking of my friends. Once people kind of got passed the whole, I’m going to ask your father, he’s going to give me permission and then you’re marrying me whole thing, it’s a formality, but, you know, like I remember that Melissa said to me, “Okay, starting on this day, it’s, you are — it’s open season. You may ask me at this point. I’m ready now. So you may ask me from this day forward.”

**John:** Oh, that’s a nice way to put it.

**Craig:** There’s no one really — I mean except for those dingbats at basketball games.

**Chris:** I was going to say, who do the basketball games.

**Craig:** Morons. Nobody really — I feel like —

**Chris:** When you ask, you know.

**Craig:** Yeah, if you’re popping the question truly without knowing, the answer is going to be no because you’re the kind of person that does that. That’s crazy.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** You got to know. I mean I think everybody does.

**Chris:** And I’m just going to say the other difference between the straight and the gay relationship is there’s no When Harry Met Sally idea that a man and a woman can’t be friends.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** Two women can be friends and two men can be friends after the relationship.

**Craig:** Yeah. I will say that for straight people, it’s hard for men to be friends with women when they’re not married. When you are married, you can be friends with them. I have lots of female friends because I’m essentially — I’m a gelding, I’m neutered. I pose no threat to anyone. [laughs] I’m smooth down there like a Ken doll.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** Pete in Fontana doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore, by the way.

**Craig:** I know. He’s like, bro, we’ve got to thermo nuke that. Should we give another Pam Stucky question?

**John:** Let’s have another Pam Stucky question.

**Craig:** All right.

**Chris:** Thank god for Pam.

**Craig:** I know. Pam was just lobbing them in there.

**Chris:** Pam Stucky asks, what are some of the best lessons it’s taken you until your 40s for you to learn? And were they things you should have learned in your 20s? Craig.

**Craig:** You know, as Stuart Smalley says, “I don’t shit all over myself.”

**Chris:** [laughs]

**Craig:** There’s no should. I think that, yes, there are some lessons I’ve learned. One of the big ones was this one. That when you feel things, it doesn’t mean that the feelings mean anything. When you feel scared, it doesn’t mean you’re in danger. When you feel like a loser, it doesn’t mean you’re a loser. When you feel like you’ve done great, it doesn’t mean you’ve done great. They’re just feelings. They’re very powerful things. Emotions are very powerful. But they ultimately don’t have any meaning. They are disconnected from truth more often than that. And they are really bad at predicting the future. And that’s the big one. Like I’ve learned like if I feel like things are going downhill, they’re probably not.

**John:** All right. I would say that I’ve learned some insight and sort of like some sympathy for the monsters in my life. And so when people are behaving terribly, it’s understanding that like, there’s a reason why they’re doing that and they’re probably aren’t even aware of the reasons why they’re doing that. And so what you’re actually seeing is the echo of something that happened a long time ago. And so it’s not necessarily about me, it’s about them being crazy people.

And just to take a step back and it’s sort of like an emotional patience and just like, okay, this is their process, they’re going to go through their process. And when you start to see that, then you can anticipate the future a little bit better. You can sort of anticipate like how this is all going to play out. And it’s made me much more mindful about who I’m in business with.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And sort of like, well, that is monster behavior and that’s going to keep coming back.

**Craig:** Monster behavior. [laughs]

**Chris:** I know a couple of monster behaviors.

**John:** Yeah. There’s no good reason to enter into that —

**Craig:** Who’s left, John?

**Chris:** Yeah, yeah, exactly.

**John:** Or sometimes like I see some monster behavior but I know — I have a sense of how that’s all going to play out. It’s going to be fine. And I’m like, these are the steps that I’m going to have to go through and burn through but then it will be fine.

**Craig:** I don’t even think I understand who’s the monster anymore because I worked for Bob Weinstein for so many years.

**John:** It broke your meter?

**Craig:** I literally don’t know what — is that bad? Is this a bad person? I can’t tell.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** He’s not as bad as Bob.

**Chris:** Yeah, no.

**Craig:** Yeah. Well, what did you — ?

**Chris:** That hole has been dug.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Chris:** Yeah. I mean I think for anyone as you get into your 40s, fear is the great block in our lives, I think. And as you get into your 40s, you start to be less afraid and less afraid of being afraid. And I think I just, in my 40s, I’m out in the world as I am in a way that I was just too fearful of my impact in the world in my 30s. And I’m not sure if there’s a way to speed that process up. It is all — I mean it’s the classic, the 29 question. When you’re 29 years old, you ask questions like a 29-year-old and you have to get to your 40s to have seen the highs and lows, to have crashed and burned, see that you’re going to come back from those things. It’s all of that experience that gets you to the place where nothing seems quite so scary anymore.

**Craig:** I’m with you.

**Chris:** You kind of know what the real shit is.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Yeah. I will say, though, I sometimes look at the incredibly successful 20-somethings. And I think part of the reason why they —

**Chris:** Oh, they have no fear.

**John:** They have no fear.

**Chris:** Yes.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And that’s what it is. So I look at Lena Dunham, I look at the Taylor Swifts, I look at the Mark Zuckerbergs and like they just they don’t have any of the fear that was holding me back in my 20s. And because of that, they have all the energy of their 20s and none of the fear.

**Craig:** You know, I can’t compare myself to anyone. I mean, that’s the truth because this is all I got.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** So I’ve always noticed that — and this is another thing that kind of took me a while to see. I would sometimes look at other people and go, why is that person moving so much quicker than I am?

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** Why is that person moving slower than I am? Why is that person — why does everyone seem to know that person? And a lot of why, why, why, why, why. The truth is, it doesn’t matter.

**Chris:** No.

**Craig:** What you got is what you got. What people think about you is what they think about you. The way you move, your speed, I can remember when I was in my 20s, I would never go to Hollywood parties ever. And then people would always talk about them like, I think I’m screwing up. I don’t go to any of these. No one asks me to go them and I don’t want to go to them. I don’t even know where they are. Like people would talk about these hot clubs and things and like I don’t even know where that is.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** I think I was okay actually.

**John:** John and Craig, what do your spouses do for a living if anything? Moreover, how are their lives affected by your careers as screenwriters and as writers in general? Let’s talk about our spouses.

**Craig:** Okay.

**John:** You start, Craig.

**Craig:** Well, Melissa is actually a stay at home mom. When I say she’s a stay at home mom, she’s also on like I think three different boards of three different charities and was the president in sequence of three different community organizations in our town. And she’s kind of amazing that way. It’s funny, you know, Melissa and I met at Princeton. She’s obviously a very, very smart person. She got a —

**Chris:** She married you, didn’t she?

**Craig:** That was the first indication of her divine intelligence. But she’s got a master’s degree in Latin American studies. She’s fluent in Spanish. She’s traveled, she’s brilliant. You know, she actually — it was kind of like I learned a really important thing from her early on. She’s just, she was never ambitious about money. She was never ambitious about like working her way up some sort of corporate ladder. She just had no interest in that. What she was interested in always was community work and charity work. And so she was — she actually worked on the south side of Chicago right after college, community organizing which is like, you know, dangerous actually. And she’s been involved with an orphanage in Honduras for decades. And she worked at APLA here in Los Angeles for quite a few years. So she’s been that person, you know. And she’s kind of remarkable that way.

And how is her life affected by my career as a screenwriter? I think it’s nice that I’m around a lot, you know, because there are times when you’re a screenwriter and suddenly you’re living in Bangkok for a month, you know. But most of the time, my hours are pretty flexible so I’m around. We can kind of watch each other’s backs when we need to get stuff done. And we have a great system. I mean, we’re coming up on 20 years.

**Chris:** Wow.

**Craig:** Yeah, 20 years next summer. How about you?

**John:** So my husband, Mike, is a stay at home dad. And like Melissa, he’s on boards and sort of runs the parents board at my daughter’s school, the public school and has done a great job with that. He’s an MBA, but before that, he used to run all the movie theaters in Burbank so there’s 30 screens there. And so he comes from exhibition. So it’s been so fascinating to hear that whole side of the movie business because, you know, as we’re going into Star Wars, like he remembered he had to live through Titanic and what a nightmare Titanic was —

**Craig:** [laughs]

**John:** And so he’s like, oh, he feels so bad for all those poor theater folks and having to deal with 24-hour screenings with Star Wars.

**Craig:** Oh my god.

**John:** This could be a nightmare for them. So anyway, Mike is great and smart and very — he’s actually, on most topics is much smarter than me. Like he’s the smart one in the relationship for most sort of practical things. And I think I probably seem like a practical person, but he’s much more practical. He’s the one —

**Craig:** My god.

**Chris:** Wow. [laughs]

**Craig:** He’s the singularity, that is.

**John:** He’s the singularity.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** It’s also fascinating and you guys may have experienced this, too, is that when you’re in a long-term relationship, you start to just, you know, abdicate certain responsibilities. And so like, all responsibilities over like the calendar are Mike’s. I just don’t even engage with it because like, whatever he says, we’re doing that.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** I’m so there with you on that one.

**John:** And so that, some budget stuff, you know. We make big decisions together, but there’s stuff about the house that he runs and rules. And sort of like Melissa, you know, because I’m here, I’m working out of the house most of the time, we can get to sort of co-parent more and sort of run the house together much more than I think most people would be able to do. So while I will be off, you know, in New York doing Big Fish for months at a time sometimes, most of the time, we’re just around. And so we have lunch together every day. And that’s great.

**Craig:** Yeah. You know, we got our whole system down in terms of division of labor. And it is interesting like how the division of labor occurred. You know, there are things that she’s just in charge of. There are things I’m in charge of. That’s been a great side effect of being a writer. And it never occurred to me. But, you know, look, a typical guy is going to get out there at, you know, I don’t know, 7:30 to get on the road to commute. And then he’s back, I don’t know, at 8 pm, there’s hours on either side of school. So a lot of women are left with kids there and no father and there are a lot of dads who are staying at home and the mom is out doing that and they’re left at home with those two handle bars on either side of the school day. And those are the worst. Like it’s easy taking care of a dog when the dog is tired.

**Chris:** [laughs]

**Craig:** It’s easy taking care of a kid when the kid is tired.

**Chris:** Which is never.

**Craig:** Yeah. But when they —

**Chris:** Basically never.

**Craig:** When my kids come home between that and like, you know, 8 pm, that’s like, it’s good to be around. What about you?

**Chris:** Well, I will say that because I’m in TV versus in doing screenwriting, I am in an office —

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** All day long. Although, I made a decision really early on, I was, at this point, I’m the boss. And it is so true that you want to work for someone who has kids because we are out of our office at 6 o’clock. Every night I have dinner with my son every night because what I don’t want to do is create a show that brings joy to millions of children, while mine is in therapy.

That just seems like a terrible, terrible idea. I don’t want him to hate Doc McStuffins more than anything else on the face of the Earth. And I do find it interesting that we all have, yes, you guys are home but you have high profile careers and you have stay in home parents at home. And I do as well. Lisa has been a stay at home mom since our son was born. She had spent years as a filmmaker and a trailer editor which is a really intense lifestyle to cut trailers.

And around the time that we were having our son, she actually probably made more money than I did, but she didn’t want to be doing what she was doing anymore. And I was on the trajectory that I liked what I was doing. And so we made the decision for her to stay at home and be the stay at home mom and for me to go ahead and work. And obviously, that kind of worked out very, very well for us. It is a whole other thing when you have two working parents. And I’m very grateful for my son that he gets to have a parent at home all the time.

**Craig:** Do you guys ever — you know, because I feel like — I don’t know, I could be wrong. But in L.A. or maybe just in the circles that we move, it seems like usually both parents are working. Do you ever feel that weird like, oh, you know, and what does your wife do? Oh, she’s a stay at home mom. Do you feel like a hitch when you say it? Do you feel the weirdness in their eyes? I sometimes get that.

**John:** I do sometimes. That little sense of like, oh, that’s why you’re able to do all these things. And it’s sort of true. I mean like my life would be so much —

**Chris:** It is sort of true.

**John:** More complicated if Mike was working at a different full time job.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And there’s things where like I don’t have to worry about like, who’s going to pick up our daughter after school?

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** Like Mike is going to do that.

**Chris:** Look, it’s a much better line for me than it is for you. But when people ask me, how do I do everything and juggle the whole thing? And I say, well, you know, it’s really helpful to have a wife. [laughs]

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** Which is a laugh line for me but it’s true. It’s just that it’s true.

**Craig:** Yeah, but for me, it’s just like, sometimes I feel like, oh, so you’re like, you beat her? Like it’s like they’re —

**Chris:** I think they go exactly right there.

**Craig:** It’s like literally the line from you have a stay at home wife to —

**Chris:** No, it’s from joke to — yeah.

**Craig:** So you’re a bad person and you beat her.

**Chris:** It’s because of the beard they think that you —

**Craig:** The beard is new it’s always been —

**Chris:** I know.

**Craig:** I think it’s just mostly people —

**Chris:** Now, you look like a wife-beater.

**Craig:** Now, I do look like a wife-beater. Well, good. That’s why I grew the beard because it was weird —

**Chris:** That’s why she likes it.

**Craig:** Yeah. It’s like well if you’re going to beat me —

**Chris:** Right, look like it.

**Craig:** Look the damn part, yeah.

**Chris:** Yeah, exactly.

**Craig:** I think that’s really funny what you said about Doc McStuffins because there’s this class of movie where the character is a dad whose kids are like, “Dad, make sure you come home. It’s Christmas” And he’s like, “I will.” And then he doesn’t because he works too hard like Liar, Liar, the Santa Claus. There’s so many of those and it’s all about like I just got to realize that I got to be there for my kids. I’m working too hard. And every man working on that movie is that guy to their kids.

**Chris:** Oh, totally.

**Craig:** It’s like every man. They’re all doing it.

**Chris:** Yeah, that’s right.

**Craig:** Yes.

**Chris:** But I will say, one of the other things that I learned in my 40s is that my career matters. It’s part of who I am. And because I set it up right in the first place and because I actively went after the things I wanted to do in life, I do what I love and I love what I do and I do something that as it turns out, kind of matters. And I think we’re trained to want to say, “The thing I learned in my 40s is that career doesn’t matter.” It does.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Yes, it matters.

**Chris:** It matters. It matters and if you did everything right leading up to it and if you moved in with your boyfriend in Boston and then followed your writing career and did all and broke up with the woman.

**Craig:** Right. Thermonuke.

**Chris:** Do all those — if you just take those actions that set you up in the right place, your career does matter and it is a part of your life.

**Craig:** I like to use — I use the word vocation. Because vocation is like it’s something you’re called to do.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** And you know, I do this because — I mean I’m lucky and that the thing that I want to do is the thing I can do —

**Chris:** Totally.

**Craig:** And that’s great. That’s a great confluence of things.

**Chris:** That’s right.

**Craig:** But this is a funny business that way. It’s not a career in a weird way. It’s kind of a vocation.

**Chris:** No. It is a huge part of — yeah.

**Craig:** Yeah. It’s like this other weird thing. It’s like a priesthood or something.

**Chris:** And you win every high school reunion and that’s the important thing for me.

**Craig:** I have yet to show up to one but I —

**Chris:** Oh, yeah. No, I won an early one because I was already at Sesame Street. And I was like, “Done.” Solid.

**Craig:** When I go back, I’m having my 25th college reunion in two years, and I will win because of the Ted Cruz thing. I’m the winner.

**Chris:** Oh, yeah.

**Craig:** I’m the winner. Like I should get — I should get my own parade.

**Chris:** I think you’re going to get an ambassadorship.

**Craig:** I might.

**Chris:** And where would you like to go? Do you know that the Ambassador to Ireland is an animation guy?

**Craig:** Oh, really? That’s helpful to you.

**Chris:** Yes, it is.

**Craig:** I would think that —

**Chris:** So where are you going?

**Craig:** There are a number of sensitive issues between the United States and French Polynesia.

**John:** You would actually go back to French Polynesia after your experience there?

**Craig:** No. I love it there. You’re thinking of Jeff Lowell. No, I love — I went back. Melissa and I went back for our 20th — I’m sorry, our 15th. Bora Bora, outstanding.

**Chris:** And a very difficult ambassadorship.

**Craig:** Well, just a lot of issues like —

**Chris:** I mean, yeah, there’s a lot to negotiate.

**Craig:** Import-export of coconut byproducts.

**John:** Chris Nee, where are you going to be ambassador?

**Chris:** I’m going to be the ambassador to — I’d got to go with Italy. I mean, doesn’t that seem like a fantastic place to be an ambassador to.

**Craig:** It could be. Have you spent a lot of time there though? It could be frustrating.

**Chris:** Except that I might be killed by the mafia.

**Craig:** No, no. It’s frustrating. There are no lines.

**Chris:** That’s true.

**Craig:** No one ever lines up in Italy.

**Chris:** I think I’m going to have a house out in the countryside.

**Craig:** Okay. You’ll turn like Amalfi coast or something.

**Chris:** Totally. Yeah, yeah ,yeah.

**Craig:** Well, that works. Yeah, that works.

**Chris:** On a lake eating pasta. I’m not going to do my job very well.

**Craig:** Listen, you don’t want to say that out loud.

**Chris:** Oh, right. Sorry. I said that too soon.

**John:** Yes. Let’s ask a final question from Pam Stucky. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night absolutely certain you’re about to die? The answer for me, is yes.

**Craig:** I don’t need to wake up in the middle of the night. It’s a fact. I don’t know what the — why would I need to wake up to acknowledge a fact?

**John:** That you’re about to die?

**Craig:** Well — oh, you mean seconds away from dying?

**Chris:** Yes.

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** Oh, no. I’ve never woken up in the middle of the night thinking that ever.

**Chris:** I was going to say no. Why?

**Craig:** No. So sometimes you wake up and you’re like, “This is it, I’m going down.”

**Chris:** You do?

**John:** I’ve had panic attacks. And that sort of really feels like —

**Craig:** You’ve had a kernel panic.

**Chris:** But is it like the pulling out of a dream moment where you’re not quite sure —

**John:** Sometimes it is. Sometimes it just feels like, “Oh, I’m having a heart attack. This is a heart attack right now. Let me Google the symptoms. Oh, it’s a panic attack.”

**Craig:** It’s a panic attack, yeah.

**Chris:** It’s a panic attack at times.

**Craig:** Do you have sleep apnea?

**John:** No, no.

**Craig:** That’s really interesting.

**John:** So I actually know the triggers for it is if I have caffeine after like 3 p.m. it’s going to happen.

**Chris:** Then you’re going to die. Immediately?

**Craig:** Really? That’s really interesting. It’s incredible how fragile our minds are. You see, that’s the whole point, feelings are not facts.

**Chris:** Right. That’s right.

**John:** But it’s not even emotions, though. That truly is a physiological thing where like, it kicked in your fight or flight —

**Chris:** Well yeah, and panic attacks are the most horrible thing. I was just telling someone the story of getting a root canal. Oddly, my wife and I ended up having emergency root canals on the same day. We have different dentists, but we ended up at the same endodontist. How bizarre is that? So anyway, she went first and she came out and said, “It really wasn’t that bad. It’s going to be okay. Don’t worry about it.” And when I came out, she was like, “Well, how was it?” And I was like, “It was the worse thing that ever happened.” And we started talking about the dentist. And I said, you know, that horrible stutter that he has. And she said, “What stutter?” I had had such a bad panic attack. I had kicked him. I’d hit him. We had to process in the middle and he kept saying to me, like, “You have to stop fighting me.” And I said, “But the whole point of a panic attack is I can’t control it.”

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** He kept telling me to stop with a stutter that had come back that I brought back from childhood because it was so terrible.

**Craig:** Wow. Chris, you’re such a bully.

**Chris:** Because I was panicked. I was so panicked.

**Craig:** No, panic is —

**Chris:** It’s a terrible feeling.

**Craig:** I had one —

**Chris:** You can’t control it.

**Craig:** Years and years and years ago at the tail end of a very difficult production that I think was kind of the result of, like, being over adrenalized for so long and then the adrenaline stops and then your receptors are starved for adrenaline. So anytime you might go, “What?” And I was down for a week. And for about three days, I couldn’t leave my room.

**Chris:** That feels like a Harvey story.

**Craig:** Bob.

**Chris:** All right.

**John:** Done.

**Chris:** Done.

**Craig:** Wait. We have to ask this question because this is the best question of all.

**John:** Sure. Ask the question.

**Craig:** Clint asks, what is the deal with women and throw pillows? What is the deal with women and throw pillows?

**John:** What is the deal with women and throw pillows?

**Chris:** Ask Craig.

**Craig:** I mean honestly — yeah.

**Chris:** Ask a woman.

**Craig:** I get it. I’m the most feminine one here. They frustrate me so much. I just want to sit on my couch.

**Chris:** Because all you do is move them out of the way.

**Craig:** They’re not just pillows. They’re always scratchy. They’re the worst pillows. They’re piled up in such a way that you can’t sit on a couch. You’re literally forward as — if you were about to be jettisoned into space. I hate them, and yet every couch in my house must be stacked. My bed. What do I do when I want to go to bed?

**Chris:** You have to put everything on the side of the bed.

**Craig:** Literally, you know what I do to get the pillows off my bed? I bitch slap them off my bed. I backhand them off.

**Chris:** Practice?

**Craig:** No. They’re the only ones I really hate. And I just, “Get off my bed.” What is the deal?

**John:** I believe a couch should have two pillows that can be adjusted for napping or for, like, putting it behind your back if you want to sit a little differently.

**Craig:** Two corner ones.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** I’ll buy that.

**John:** Two pillows in the corner that you can move and use as appropriate. But more than that, no.

**Chris:** No, there’s no need for it.

**Craig:** It’s just outrageous.

**Chris:** Women suck.

**Craig:** Look, man, sometimes I come home and I’m looking at my couch, I’m like, “Well, someone went over to T.J. Maxx and had our — what is it, Home Goods? Home Goods.

**Chris:** Does she just randomly buy more?

**Craig:** Yeah. Sometimes there’s just — I’m in so much trouble now for this.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Because the thing is, I was doing great and then I —

**John:** You were doing great. It was all a love fest.

**Craig:** And then this pillow thing happened.

**Chris:** Yeah. And it’s all over now.

**John:** See if you can pull it out in the One Cool Things.

**Craig:** I forgot to do one.

**John:** So I specifically emailed about One Cool Thing.

**Craig:** I know. My One Cool Thing is — do you know what my One Cool Thing is? Throw pillows. Love them.

**John:** My One Cool Thing is gut bacteria.

**Craig:** That’s a cool thing.

**John:** It’s a pretty cool thing. So I’ll link to an article by Moises Velasquez-Manoff about recent findings in gut bacteria. But essentially making the case that all the stuff that exists in your gut that helps you process food and helps you — helps your ecosystem survive and thrive, has gone away to the degree that we may not even have some of those microbes left anymore. It’s an interesting challenge I think because those things probably evolved with us in order to process the foods that we are eating. And without them, we are kind of screwed. So I think it will be interesting to see over the next 10 years whether we can get some of those things back if we can start to supplement those things or find other ways just sort of regrow that inner stuff.

**Chris:** So do you take regular probiotics? Is that — ?

**John:** I don’t take regular probiotics — but I’m careful to try to eat a diversity of things and to try to get more stuff in there. And we have our own garden and so we try to eat as many as greens at our garden as possible.

**Chris:** Well done.

**Craig:** Just wonderful of you. I don’t know if you guys had been following but fecal transplants —

**Chris:** Yes. It’s fascinating.

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** They’re kind of like magic.

**John:** I think they’re kind of —

**Chris:** They’re kind of incredible.

**Craig:** Seed of a seal used to be this — I mean it’s called seed of a seal because it was that difficult to cure. And fecal transplant, done, fixed.

**Chris:** Yeah. And it feels like you’re going to be able to get people who want to donate, which is a perfect segue because my One Cool Thing is Be the Match because what is cooler than saving someone’s life?

**Craig:** You’re the second person that made Be the Match be a One Cool Thing on the show.

**Chris:** Oh, I did not know that.

**Craig:** But go for it.

**Chris:** But I’m going for it anyway.

**Craig:** Can’t be repeated enough.

**Chris:** It is — Be the Match is for bone marrow transplants, and it is so easy. It’s just a cheek swab. You don’t have to do anything. By the time you get to the point where you have to make a decision as to whether you’re going to deal with the needle or anything like that, there is a human being’s life in the balance that you get to save, which is the coolest thing ever. That will be your meeting story for the rest of your life. It is your guarantee on a date that they think you’re a good guy or gal. You’re going to get laid if you join Be the Match. So that’s —

**Craig:** Women don’t need that, but the men, do.

**Chris:** No, they don’t.

**Craig:** The men need that extra push.

**Chris:** The men need it, yeah, you know —

**John:** Dave hanging out in Fontana, he needs to Be the Match.

**Chris:** He needs Be the Match.

**Craig:** My God, he would kill it out there.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** No. Be the Match is amazing and it covers —

**Chris:** And basically in life, I think you want to be karmacly covered. You want to know that you’ve done all the things — not because you want to help other people, but because you want to make sure if you need a pair of lungs, that you’ve said yes on your driver’s license —

**Craig:** Exactly.

**Chris:** You need blood, you need platelets that you’ve put it out in the universe —

**Craig:** Do it.

**Chris:** To do it. So Be the Match. Be the Match.

**Craig:** Honestly, going to bethematch.org.

**Chris:** It’s so easy.

**Craig:** Is compulsory as far as I’m concerned. It’s that simple to do. There’s nothing else like it.

**Chris:** No.

**Craig:** As far as I’m aware.

**Chris:** And it only works by critical mass.

**Craig:** That’s right.

**Chris:** And that is if you’re not — you’re never doing Be the Match for the person — don’t wait for the person who’s going to ask you and you’re like, “Oh my God, I’m totally going to donate and I’m going to give my stuff to you.”

**Craig:** Do it now.

**Chris:** It never works that way. You got to be in the system for the system to work.

**Craig:** Yeah, it’s the best One Cool Thing. It really is.

**John:** Hooray. That’s our program. So thank you very much, Chris Nee, for joining us.

**Chris:** Thank you so much for having me.

**Craig:** That was great. You did a good job.

**Chris:** I’m really sorry that I didn’t swear as much as Malcolm Spellman.

**John:** We’re delighted. We don’t have to put a little E in our explicit language —

**Chris:** I know. But I kind of wanted it to be like the pre-school writer who needed the E. Like that felt like a thing. I’m going to go after it next time.

**John:** Next time.

**Craig:** Are there any porn spoofs of Doc McStuffins yet?

**Chris:** There have been from the beginning. Because frankly —

**Craig:** Because the McStuffins.

**Chris:** Yes. I —

**John:** Both words lend themselves to puns.

**Chris:** Yeah. I mean, I knew when I came up with the idea, I was like, yeah, hi. And I’m sort of proud I got that through.

**Craig:** What does doc rhyme with you guys? I don’t get it.

**Chris:** Yeah. I’m saying yes. And I also — you know, there’s a whole other show that will happen in 20 years called Doc after Dark where, you know, obviously, you follow Doc and it ends up that she fails out of medical school.

**Craig:** Oh, boy. We’re going to have Disney lawyers over here.

**Chris:** It’s all downhill. It’s all downhill from there.

**Craig:** I would watch it on Cinemax, I presume.

**Chris:** I think, yes.

**Craig:** Friday night after dark.

**John:** Our show is produced by Stuart Friedel, as always, and edited by Mathew Chilelli. Thank you, Mathew.

Our outro this week is by Rajesh Naroth. Thank you. If you have an outro for us, write into ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also where you could have written into to send in your questions. But you can send in your screenwriting questions there, and we may get to those on a show. On Twitter, I am @johnaugust, Craig is @clmazin. Chris, you are?

**Chris:** @chrisdocnee.

**John:** chrisdocnee?

**Chris:** Yeah, because there’s a Chris Nee already.

**Craig:** What?

**Chris:** Really?

**John:** Is that an Asian man?

**Chris:** No, there’s a football guy.

**Craig:** Football? There is a football guy?

**Chris:** Well, there’s Chris Snee which is my nickname is Snee.

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** But there is a guy who tweets about football, Chris Nee. He got my name.

**John:** He got your name. We have a live show on January 25th. It is starring — well, me and Craig will be there, but we’re not the stars.

**Craig:** No.

**John:** Jason Bateman is a true star. And Lawrence Kasdan wrote a little movie called Star Wars.

**Craig:** Opening — so by the time this airs —

**John:** It would already be open.

**Craig:** It will have already have opened. I’m going to get — I’m just going to go out on a limb here. I think it’s going to make $15 million or $16 million this weekend.

**John:** I think that’s absolutely a guarantee.

**Craig:** Minimum.

**Chris:** Fair.

**John:** Minimum.

**Craig:** With highs up to 20 — think about it guys, $20 million in a weekend.

**John:** It’s facing some tough competition. Like the second week of In the Heart of the Sea —

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** That’s going to be tough.

**John:** Yeah. And Amy Poehler’s movie is up against it but I just want to —

**Craig:** Well, but also just like life. I mean like people love reading books for instance. So there’s that.

**John:** They do. Absolutely.

**Craig:** So there’s that.

**John:** Yeah. And the holiday hubbub.

**Craig:** There’s holiday hubbub going on. By the way, when are you — I’m seeing it on Saturday.

**John:** I’m seeing it on Friday.

**Chris:** I am waiting a week. I’m a big wait-a-weeker.

**Craig:** Okay. I’ll call you and tell you what happens.

**Chris:** Please.

**John:** We’re recording the show on a Wednesday. But already the reviews have started to come out. And so I have to, like — I’m basically out of Twitter until — I don’t want to see any —

**Chris:** No, you don’t want to see anything.

**Craig:** Reviews didn’t stop me from seeing The Phantom Menace. Reviews aren’t going to mean anything to me. I will go see this and judge for myself.

**Chris:** But did you read the entire article where a dad was trying to explain to his kid what the big deal was about Star Wars and he used Doc McStuffins coming back in 20 years as his example?

**Craig:** You mean —

**John:** Oh my God.

**Chris:** Because that was a good —

**Craig:** Doc McStuffins after dark?

**Chris:** Yes. Like, if it — yes. He totally went for the Doc McStuffins after dark example.

**Craig:** It’s really — all roads lead to McStuffins.

**Chris:** Yes, they do.

**John:** They do. You’ll find the links to that article and everything else we talked about on the show at the show notes at johnaugust.com. And Chris Nee, thank you again for —

**Chris:** Thank you.

**John:** A very fun episode.

**Craig:** Thanks, Chris.

Links:

* [Chris Nee](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1349008/) on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/chrisdocnee), and [Doc McStuffins](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doc_McStuffins)
* [Serial, season 2](https://serialpodcast.org/season-two)
* [Coquito](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coquito)
* Throw pillows on [Amazon](http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=throw+pillows), [Pier 1](http://www.pier1.com/pillows-cushions/pillows/pillows,default,sc.html), [Overstock](http://www.overstock.com/Home-Garden/Throw-Pillows/2011/subcat.html), [Target](http://www.target.com/c/throw-pillows-home-decor/-/N-5xttp) and [Google](https://www.google.com/search?q=throw+pillows&rlz=1C5CHFA_enUS504US504&oq=throw+pillows&aqs=chrome.0.69i59j69i60.1095j0j7&sourceid=chrome&es_sm=91&ie=UTF-8)
* [How the Western Diet Has Derailed Our Evolution](http://nautil.us/issue/30/identity/how-the-western-diet-has-derailed-our-evolution)
* [Fecal Microbiota Transplants](http://thefecaltransplantfoundation.org/what-is-fecal-transplant/)
* [Sign up for Be The Match and save a life](https://bethematch.org/)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Rajesh Naroth ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))

Scriptnotes, Ep 228: Scriptnotes Holiday Show 2015 — Transcript

December 18, 2015 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](http://johnaugust.com/2015/scriptnotes-holiday-show-2015).

**Malcolm Spellman:** This is Malcolm Spellman. I’m a guest on Scriptnotes this week. I swear a lot, so don’t listen to this podcast in the car with your kids, or the old folks in your family, or they’ll hate you. Craig and John August made me say this. Merry Christmas.

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** And this is Episode 228 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and…

Audience: Things that are interesting to screenwriters.

**Craig:** Is that right?

**John:** We have some pros. Yeah. Craig, welcome to our third holiday special I believe.

**Craig:** If you say so.

**John:** All right. So, people who are listening at home don’t have a sense of where this is. So, can you do some really great scene description so people reading at home get a sense of what this movie feels like?

**Craig:** Interior.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Generic auditorium. Stadium seating. The crowd is — the theater is packed.

**John:** Which is nice, yeah.

**Craig:** Everyone looks vaguely writerly. Not too attractive, but not horrifying, you know.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** A lot of J.Crew and Gap.

**John:** Yeah. I would agree so.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And the two hosts are at the front of the stage welcoming their audience to what’s going to be a really great night. So usually on the podcast we can have like one guest, sometimes two guests. These live shows, we can cram up to four guests into an episode, and that’s what we’re doing tonight.

We should just start with our first guest because —

**Craig:** No banter?

**John:** Well, we can banter.

**Craig:** That was it. Okay, first guest.

**John:** That was our banter. We just started. We didn’t plan this at all. But we should start with our first guest because he’s probably been our most popular single appearance guest —

**Craig:** Disturbing.

**John:** In history.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** So this gentleman, he first appeared in Episode 185. He is a producer on the television program called Empire. And he’s the one and only Malcolm Spellman. Malcolm Spellman is right here.

So, Malcolm, you have your name big up on that screen right behind you. How is that? How does that feel?

**Malcolm:** I’m winning.

**John:** You’re winning? How does it feel to have your name in the credits every week on a television program like Empire, like a huge hit?

**Malcolm:** Fifteen years working, three credits, two of them on Empire is good. [laughs]

**John:** [laughs] It does feel good.

**Malcolm:** Yeah, it took a long time.

**John:** So, welcome to our show here. And part of why I wanted to have you here is because I have so many things I want to ask you about because I have just no sense of what your opinion is going to be. And so I have a list of like random topics. It’s like, “Ask Malcolm about this topic and it’s going to be great, is my hunch.” So this is our last episode we’ll be recording before Star Wars comes out. So I want to know, what does Malcolm Spellman think about Star Wars?

**Malcolm:** Hey, I’m really, really excited about it. And, you know, it’s one of the most important movies for me. it’s a visceral memory, you know what I’m saying? They fucked up the last three, so I’m primed up. [laughs] I’m primed to be there.

**Craig:** They did fuck up the last three. [laughs]

**Malcolm:** They did. They did.

**Craig:** They, by the way, I like that we’re saying they, like it wasn’t one guy.

**Malcolm:** So, no, I’m excited to get in there. I think it’s the most important. And similar to Marvel, it is a mythology for movies. Like it’s super specific. Everyone’s imitating whatever but it’s the most important one out there.

**Craig:** Did you see this thing in WIRED? They said something like, “We will not live to see the last Star Wars sequel. There are going to be so many of them, assuming this works,” that’s kind of incredible. Like it’s never going to stop now.

**Malcolm:** Do they know your relationship to number nine?

**Craig:** My relationship?

**Malcolm:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It was my idea. That?

**Malcolm:** With Rian, but —

**Craig:** Oh.

**Malcolm:** It was funny like when — he’s friends with Rian Johnson and when that —

**Craig:** Wait, you’re friends with Rian Johnson.

**Malcolm:** Yeah, but he’s better with you all, you know —

**Craig:** Okay.

**Malcolm:** You guys. You know how it is.

**Craig:** He’s Swedish. A little Swede.

**Malcolm:** I’m his black friend. [laughs]

**Craig:** You are. By the way, you literally are like totally —

**Malcolm:** Everybody is. Everybody. [laughs]

**Craig:** Like from top to bottom.

**Malcolm:** But I remember when it came around, I actually was with him before any of you guys. He was taking me to a Godzilla screening and he was blushing and levitating. And then you realize when you’re talking to him — again, that’s why I’m saying about, important to the mythology, there isn’t anything else out there like it, you know what I’m saying? And, yes, so they’re going to keep pimping until it’s done.

**Craig:** Don’t you think like if Star Wars had been, instead of a movie it had been written down as a story 2,000 years ago, we all would be going to Jedi church.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I mean, it’s actually better than the Bible. It’s more exciting, I think.

**Malcolm:** Definitely better than scientology. [laughs]

**Craig:** Scientology makes no sense.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Yeah. Scientology, they literally make you pay like you want to see a sequel, you have to pay for like extra —

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It is. It’s mythological.

**John:** They want you to pay for the sequels on Star Wars movies but like you get to experience it for free and like —

**Craig:** Wait, wait, we have to pay for those? [laughs]

**John:** Yeah. There’s no Netflix equivalent of scientology, I believe. You can’t just sort of like, you know, buy once and watch it forever.

**Craig:** You can’t get a subscription to jump right to Xenu. You got to really work.

**John:** Yeah, again and again.

**Craig:** Meanwhile, we’re literally in the middle of scientology world — I mean, they could, right?

**John:** Yeah. [laughs] Absolutely. Or like Stuart and his parents, like you can actually like just get their subscription to Netflix and not actually pay for it yourself. [laughs]

Can I have a show of hands here in the audience —

**Craig:** Stuart!

**John:** Who is watching Netflix or another streaming service using their parents’ login?

**Craig:** What?

**John:** Wow. See, I had a hunch. We have a connected audience.

**Malcolm:** That’s why we’re broke. [laughs]

**Craig:** Alan, we’ve got a problem.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** We’ll talk about that when you’re —

**John:** Yeah, indeed.

**Craig:** Wow.

**John:** So it’s great that people are watching these shows but they’re not —

**Craig:** They’re sponging.

**John:** They’re sponging a bit.

**Craig:** Off their parents.

**John:** Off their parents. How dare they.

**Craig:** It would mean I’d have to talk to my parents.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It’s totally worth the subscription.

**John:** Malcolm, I have another question if you’re ready for another question.

**Malcolm:** I’m ready.

**John:** Okay. So we were talking about the Marvel Universe and so now they’re busy getting ready to do Black Panther and they have a director on board —

**Malcolm:** Ask me the black questions, right? [laughs]

**John:** I’m going to ask you the black questions. I want to know your opinion on —

**Malcolm:** It’s going to define my career. [laughs]

**John:** I want to know your opinion on hiring a sort of targeting, you know —

**Craig:** It’s the black question. It’s happening.

**John:** Targeting minority filmmakers to make the one minority character in a franchise.

**Malcolm:** I think it’s all part of a growing narrative, you know what I’m saying? So obviously, this discussion of diversity and black folks and black filmmakers particularly has become more and more relevant and important. And because of shit like Empire and Black-ish, whatever, and we’re winning, they’re like, “Oh, fuck.” And you look at something like Creed and that’s immediately where you’re like, I hate to say this, no white people were going to think of that story, you know what I’m saying? They just wasn’t because they don’t — none of them was going to imagine what the fuck is Creed’s son doing. And that is why you need —

**Craig:** I’m sorry. That is undeniable. There isn’t one of you white people in here that would have thought of that. It’s a fact.

**Malcolm:** It didn’t happen in how many years.

**Craig:** Exactly. Exactly. It was always like you were closer to probably like Rocky’s — like remember when he had a robot? The robot would have happened first.

**Malcolm:** Absolutely, absolutely. And that’s, I think, a great example of why Marvel doing this, whether they’re following a trend, I’m sure the reason they’re doing it is because they don’t want to get shit because, you know, they didn’t have any black filmmakers involved with the project. But the ancillary benefit of that will be that you get this perspective which is the most potent voice in pop culture.

And we forget that because we haven’t been able to do our thing in this medium. And everything else, we kill it and make it hot for everybody. And now they’re about to discover, like you look at what happened with Creed and there’s a good chance Coogler will do the same thing for Black Panther, like add something new and vital —

**Craig:** Right.

**Malcolm:** To the shit. So I was —

**Craig:** I mean, I honestly think that maybe there is a part of them that thinks we better do this to avoid some kind of pity.

**Malcolm:** I agree.

**Craig:** I think though, I mean, don’t they just smell money? I mean, isn’t that — you know.

**Malcolm:** They’re mostly scared.

**Craig:** Really?

**Malcolm:** They were just going out to all the black folks. They were like, “We just don’t want to get yelled at.”

**Craig:** Oh, because if we make Black Panther, we can’t make it with a white guy actually.

**Malcolm:** That’s right. And what they will discover is, “Oh, shit, this dude had some original ideas that no one else was going to have and gave it a freshness, you know what I’m saying, and they’re going to win with it.”

**John:** Right. So you are our TV friend. So John Landgraf who runs FX Network had a famous quote this last year. He said like, “We’ve reached peak TV. There’s too much television.” As a person who makes television, is there too much television out there?

**Malcolm:** It definitely feels like that, but it’s growing. There’s more people getting in with people more — like the real players are just emerging. Like Google wants to get involved, you know what I’m saying? [laughs] And SoundCloud and Spotify.

**Craig:** Right.

**Malcolm:** I just had this big meeting with the digital folks at the agency and there are ways like you know how we were coming up — the last five years whatever was feeling like how is anybody making money off this shit, right? They now know these people are making money. And they were saying Apple has this really detailed complex layout on how, like they know who’s going to pay this much in the first window. In the second window, who, for free, will let you feed them all kinds of ads and stuff.

I just watched a standup comedy show on YouTube and I spent $1 on it, right? I think once that gets cracked open, there’s going to be a whole — like once you can start billing a show to your cell phone bill for $1 or whatever, there might be so much more money out there than anyone can fucking imagine.

**Craig:** I think there is.

**Malcolm:** That all this shit can be supported.

**Craig:** I think there is. And what I think about sometimes when I look at the landscape now and I see, I don’t know, hundreds of channels just through the wire and then God knows how many if you include just things that are on the Internet, and the fact that people are still making money and then I think back, once there were three. How much money were those — oh, my god.

**Malcolm:** I know.

**Craig:** They must have been making so much money. It’s like the fact that they ever canceled anything is insane.

**Malcolm:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Why would you even cancel it? Don’t show anything. It doesn’t even matter.

**Malcolm:** No. They were making so much money it made them stupid. They were like, “Fuck, let’s don’t keep all this money right here.”

**Craig:** It’s so true. It’s so true. It made them stupid and it also made stupid people think they were smart because they thought it was them. No, anybody, anyone, you could have shot someone and put their dead body in a chair and NBC would have made money in 1963.

**Malcolm:** That’s right. That’s right.

**John:** That’s the new primetime special. It’s called “The Dead Body in the Chair” and it’ll get good ratings.

What is TV though? So you had a meeting with these digital folks of your agency. What are they even talking about with TV? Because like the digital stuff used to be like, “Oh, that’s the extra bonus. Like it’s the webisodes for The Office.” But now, like what’s the difference? I mean, if you’re making money somehow, that’s — if these people who are in the audience who are aspiring writers, what do you tell them? Should they be trying to write for, you know, Fox like you are or should they be trying to write for, you know, YouTube?

**Malcolm:** I think, well, what it feels like is right now, most of these companies are still thinking — like Netflix and Hulu, they’re still called digital companies even though they’re doing traditional formats, right? But that shit is about to change. Like I think it’s about a year or so away. I’m working with some folks on trying to change it. And once that happens, I think it’s going to all happen organically, right? I think the big gap right now in digital that I see, I almost don’t want to say this shit because I’m like, man, fuck, I might get rich off of it but — [laughs]

**Craig:** Well, if you say it in front of me, I will absolutely get rich off of it.

**Malcolm:** I think like what hasn’t happened yet is people like us, right, who are doing well and creating — when I say high-level, whatever, right, I’m saying the shit people pay for. Whether or not you guys like the shit we work on or whatever, that’s what I mean by it, right. The people who are creating high-level content are all like, “Yeah, fuck, digital could be awesome but I’m not passing up.” I know what your quote is, you know what I’m saying, I’m — you’re like —

**Craig:** How?

**Malcolm:** Because you’ve been bragging motherfucker. You be like, “Malc, guess how much money I just made.” [laughs]

**Craig:** I forgot about that. That’s how.

**Malcolm:** So there’s no way they’re going to really get you, right? Not yet.

**Craig:** Right.

**Malcolm:** But what’s going to happen is there’s going to be people like me who aren’t quite where you’re at but make more money than the average person going there. And if I go in there and do high-level shit, and when I say high-level I mean the same level what you’re getting on FX and HBO, but it’s whatever format I want and it’s funded, that’s when you’re going to start getting to the shit where it’s like, well, what do you do with a 15-minute pilot, right? You put it on fucking YouTube and if you got hot motherfuckers in it, it gets 30 million fucking views and if you’re charging people $1, you’re like, “Oh, fuck,” you know what I’m saying?

**Craig:** We should mention that there may be some language in this podcast.

**John:** There’s a possibility, so —

**Craig:** If you’re in the car with your kids.

**John:** Yeah.

**Malcolm:** But I think that’s the new frontier. I think there’s going to be some people like me who are going to be willing to, for creative freedom and the potential for huge upside, pass up — because, you know, I’m in that weird level where it’s like I’m not getting Mazin/John August money, but I’m getting enough money that it might make me feel a little bit scared to go in here and do this shit for free.

**Craig:** Right.

**Malcolm:** But if I do it — you know what I’m saying?

**Craig:** Well, but the upside to it, I mean there’s ownership opportunities —

**Malcolm:** That’s right.

**Craig:** That happen at those levels. I mean, I think there are a lot of people that make a lot of money that it’s guaranteed money, it’s employee money, but then who do take these risks. I see it all the time. And then, you know, some people can do both. They can say, “All right, well, I’ll do a job but now I’m going to try something that’s mine.” And I think that’s really exciting. I mean, there’s more opportunities now than ever before.

I mean, for people out here thinking about television, I mean, would it be fair to say from your perspective, as somebody that’s, you know, now at the top of the heap of a network which is still a thing, that it doesn’t make any sense to write for a network or write for a not-network but rather to write something that’s exciting and see who grabs it.

**Malcolm:** By the time you get done, yes, that will be a thing. That’s going to be the big breakthrough. Like if your fucking idea had to come in at 17 minutes to be perfect and awesome, people are going to start reading that shit and there’s going to be people like me out there or whoever who are like, “Oh, I know what to do with this.”

**Craig:** It’s amazing how long the structure has lasted from —

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Just the fact that there’s a season that’s based on when they used to roll new cars out. That’s why we had the whole, you know, September — and then the 30-minute/hour format is back from old days.

**John:** It’s arbitrary. Malcolm, what you’re describing sounds amazing but it doesn’t sound like a thing that just a writer does. It sounds like you are going to create stuff. And so it’s not just like writing a script. It’s not writing a spec for somebody. You actually have to make the thing that’s going to be — like the reason you have ownership is because you’re going to make the final product.

**Malcolm:** That’s right.

**John:** You’re just not writing the script, so —

**Malcolm:** Yes.

**John:** It’s taking ownership of the whole process. And that’s a lot to ask of somebody. People just want to like throw Courier around on a page and that doesn’t sound like it’s enough to be that new kind of television thing.

**Malcolm:** But I think it’s going to be move so quickly that entities will exist by the time — I mean because you’re looking like how fast does it take to mount this stuff, is entities will exist that know what to do with it. Meaning, if you just write some stuff in Courier and the people I’m working with have now got four or five projects going that are proving to be lucrative or whatever, I can’t write everything, you know what I’m saying. You’re going to look around and be like, “Oh,” you know what I’m saying? I think exactly what we grew up doing is going to happen. And the digital space is just going to be way more free and open.

**John:** We’ll hope. Tonight’s theme is basically all creators who created TV shows. So we’re going to have answers to some of these questions for people who are doing the kind of stuff that you’re talking about doing. And we should get to it, I think.

**Craig:** Yeah. So we have to get rid of Malcolm is what you’re saying?

**John:** We have to get rid of Malcolm.

**Craig:** Okay.

**John:** Malcolm, thank you very — you’re going to come back at the end.

**Craig:** All right, Malcolm.

**John:** Malcolm. Our next guests are the co-creators — well, Malcolm, he’s like family. He’s not a guest. Are the co-creators of Another Period. We’re going to show a clip from this but I want to set it up because it’s even better if you sort of know the setup on this. This is about the Bellacourt sisters. They are trying to enter high society. They have invited Helen Keller over to boost their standings on high society and they’re trying to impress the Marquis de Sainsbury who’s keeper of the social register. And so keep this all in mind as you watch this clip from Another Period.

**Natasha Leggero:** And it takes place in 1902.

**John:** Oh, 1902. You’ll see that by —

[Video Plays]

**Female:** More cocaine wine?

**Male:** Yes.

**Female:** A little bit more won’t hurt.

**Male:** Any lady in Newport society needs to know how to hold her liquor.

**Female:** Well, I can hold my liquor better than anyone.

**Female:** Me, too.

**Male:** Oh, my goodness, that sounds like a challenge. Shall we see who can drink it the fastest?

**Female:** Oh, yes. Yes. Helen, other person. Let’s race.

**Male:** One, two, three go.

**Female:** Wait. I have to tell Helen we’re doing a contest.

**Female:** Ahhh. You are all piles of trash. I am a mountain of gold. I won. I took the egg. Argh.

**Female:** I won, you dumb haybag. You don’t count.

**Female:** Second place. Why am I always second place?

**Female:** You’re not second place. Lillian’s second place. I’m first place. I won.

**Female:** No one asked you to play, whore. You’re fat. Other person? Other person? I’m the one that taught her to communicate. Without me she’d be nothing. You’re nothing without me, Keller. Nothing.

**Female:** I love you, Annie.

**Female:** That’s a Ming vase, you deaf bitch. We only have 17 of those.

**Female:** I wasn’t totally sure what was happening. But I knew I wanted to stab someone.

**Male:** Let go of my sister. You heathens. What is this, Baltimore?

**Female:** Intruder.

[Video Ends]

**John:** Can we welcome up Natasha Leggero and Riki Lindhome.

**Riki Lindhome:** Hi, guys.

**John:** Good lord, how did you make — this show is — oh, I love your show so, so much.

**Riki:** Thank you.

**John:** And, Craig, have you watched the show?

**John:** He doesn’t watch anything.

**Craig:** Nothing.

**Natasha:** He’s been sending us emails all week with his favorite lines.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Ah.

**Craig:** I’m like, “No, this is my favorite line.” So I don’t watch shows, as you guys know, and John said, well —

**Natasha:** That’s a thing? You just don’t watch shows? [laughs]

**Craig:** It’s not like on purpose. I’m just lazy as fuck and —

**John:** He plays Fallout 4. That’s basically —

**Craig:** I do. I play Fallout 4. Look, it started bad where I was talking about crossword puzzles with Natasha and she was like, blech. Now we’re talking about Fallout 4, it’s like —

**Natasha:** No, you were talking about crossword puzzle like chat rooms.

**Craig:** That’s cool. I don’t know why anyone’s laughing. So I started watching this show and I’m obsessed. I mean, honestly, in a fair and just world, they would be talking about the show the way they talk about Mad Men. I’m serious. I’m dead serious.

**Riki:** Thank you.

**Craig:** Because I have this thing having gone through in my life times where I was working on pure comedy. Just comedy that is completely pure. It is the hardest thing to do. In fact, I want to —

**John:** Yeah — !

**Craig:** That’s fucking pathetic. [laughs] So I want to actually start by asking you guys a question about process because — so your show is, I mean, I guess you could say it’s loosely a parody of Downton Abbey but not really. It’s kind of its own thing.

**John:** Can you tell us how you pitched the show? Because I mean, it’s so specific and the voice and the vision is so specific. What was the genesis of your show?

**Riki:** Well, we had a few glasses of wine. [laughs]

**Craig:** Cocaine wine.

**Riki:** No, just regular wine.

**Craig:** Okay.

**Riki:** Natasha and I, we decided we wanted to make something. I mean when —

**Natasha:** Yeah. You know, we had this idea for this like fake reality show about these like dumb idiots and then I had this other idea about this other thing that took place in 1902 and Riki was like, “Well, why don’t we combine them?” And so we did that. [laughs]

**Riki:** But we kind of knew the idea was too weird to pitch. And so we went out and made like a 15-minute short. We spent real money and made a real short. And there was actually a scene from the short in the pilot.

**Natasha:** And I had read a book about Newport at the turn of the century before they introduced income tax. Like 90% of the wealth in America was all in Newport, Rhode Island. So it’s like a really fascinating place. And if you go there, you can still like go to all these house museum tours and see the whole world there. And people were living like it was bananas.

**John:** Yeah.

**Natasha:** And it’s American history because everyone loves — you know, Downton Abbey, it’s not our history, so.

**Craig:** Right. I mean, I think it’s a brilliant choice actually because there’s something inherently funny about wealthy aristocratic Americans because Americans don’t really — it’s not like we deserve it, you know. We’re not nobility.

But I want to ask you guys about the relentless and exhausting nature of writing stuff like this because your show is, I guess it’s what, like 25 minutes, I mean when you take out commercial and stuff?

**Natasha:** No, it’s 20.

**Craig:** It’s 20?

**Natasha:** Yeah, it’s so short.

**Craig:** Twenty minutes is a lot.

**Riki:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Because it’s 20 minutes, every page is like five or six jokes a page. But more importantly, you never get a break because nothing can be ever taken seriously in the show, that’s the magic of it. So there’s no point where anyone can just stop and be reflexive or —

**Natasha:** Nope.

**Craig:** I mean, how do you survive the pace of it, of writing it?

**Riki:** You’re making it sound so hard.

**Craig:** Maybe it was just hard for me. [laughs]

**Riki:** No. [laughs] I mean, we work really, really hard at it. I would love to say like, “Oh, it’s just natural and we just come up with this stuff.” But we, like, kill ourselves to make this show. We think about it from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed.

**Craig:** Right.

**Natasha:** But it’s also the rhythm of a show that’s inspiring to us. So we want to be doing something fast-paced and funny and finding the funniest people we can to try to make that happen.

**Craig:** The cast is amazing.

**Riki:** We got so lucky. And that was part of it is we had all the cast, we had their pictures at the end of the writing table and we would be like, “Okay, Brett Gelman is so hilarious. What’s the funniest stuff he does?” And we’d watch clips of Brett and we would write specifically for him and then it just makes it easier and fun.

**Craig:** That’s my part, by the way, if he croaks.

**John:** Yeah.

**Riki:** You’re Hamish?

**Craig:** I’m stepping in. Yeah, for sure.

**Riki:** Hamish, the outwoodsman?

**Craig:** yeah.

**Riki:** Yeah. [laughs] Slash abortionist?

**Craig:** Yeah. Slash Jew hunter. Don’t forget that one.

**Riki:** Yes, yes, yes. [laughs]

**John:** I would love to see the show.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** So you shot this sort of presentation pilot. So it’s 15 minutes and is it sort of like the first episode that we saw? Was it like the pilot or just different scenes from the show? What did it feel like?

**Natasha:** We hadn’t really done any of the downstairs. We were just doing the upstairs. And then I think Comedy Central wanted to see more downstairs. And then we all got very inspired by the downstairs people because —

**Craig:** They are amazing.

**Natasha:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Garfield.

**John:** Garfield and Chair.

**Riki:** Yeah, it’s —

**Natasha:** With Michael Ian Black and Armen Weitzman and Christina Hendricks and —

**Riki:** Yeah, Christina Hendricks is hilarious in the show.

**Craig:** She’s really funny. And you never know. Sometimes those people aren’t. Those people like dramatic actors —

**Natasha:** Those people.

**Craig:** The dramatic actors sometimes don’t fit in with that kind of comedy. And she does brilliantly.

**Riki:** She was so game to do anything. She had so much physical comedy. She was just totally fun.

**Natasha:** And I think she used to do comedy before.

**Craig:** Ah-ha.

**Natasha:** You know, or like in theater or whatever in college.

**Craig:** Got it.

**John:** So David Wain is on your show and is also from Children’s Hospital. He’s been a guest on the podcast before. But Children’s Hospital is a show that it’s like every episode is just completely brand new and there’s no continuity episode to episode. But you guys actually have a lot of continuity. So talk to us about figuring out how to be funny in an episode but also have arcs that sort of cross episodes. What was the plan? Did you know that Chair’s back story would be revealed in episode 6? What was the plan?

**Riki:** Yes. We map out the entire season. We have the luxury, I guess. Some people don’t like it but I think it’s a luxury to write the whole season at once before we start filming. And then we cross-board every episode. So we shoot all 10 episodes kind of at once.

**Craig:** Wow.

**Riki:** Yeah. So if we have an actor in two episodes or five episodes, we can shoot them out in two days or three days or whatever.

**Natasha:** That’s why it has to be kind of fast-paced because you have to be able to jump plot lines, if you have to. [laughs] Like figure out —

**Craig:** But it’s incredibly helpful, I would imagine, that you can — I mean, I guess part of it is you’re forced to by budget and all the rest of it, but that you know the whole season. That means you can go back. And I assume you do a lot of backwards, retrofitting, because it really does feel so well-machined. I mean, there’s so much craft in it. I’m really amazed by the show, I got to tell you.

**Natasha:** Oh, that’s so nice.

**Riki:** Thank you.

**Craig:** You’re welcome.

**Riki:** Thank you. We love it, too, but we’re biased, you know. [laughs]

**Craig:** Like I don’t believe your —

**Natasha:** No, it’s sweet. This is a very sincere, serious podcast. I love it.

**Riki:** But, yeah, we map out the whole season and we really think about every character and their arc and where they’re going to end up in episode 10. And then we have it, you know, just all up on our little board and then —

**Craig:** Sorry, I really love the show. That the character of Garfield is insane. Every character is either insane or so stupid as to be profoundly retarded.

**Riki:** Yeah. [laughs]

**Craig:** Or both. Your character particularly —

**Riki:** I’m both.

**Craig:** Is both profoundly retarded and insane.

**Riki:** Yes, and violent.

**Craig:** And violent.

**Riki:** Yes. [laughs]

**Craig:** And yet, I actually managed to care. Like when Garfield comes back, I cared.

**Natasha:** Well, Garfield’s nice.

**Craig:** But he’s also crazy. I mean, he’s insane.

**Natasha:** Right.

**Riki:** I mean he’s best friends with a towel.

**Craig:** He puts the potato — yeah. And then the potato is like the new thing. Like that’s his new towel.

**Riki:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I mean, you don’t have to see the show. You get it now, right?

**Natasha:** He might be the only nice person in the whole show.

**Craig:** Peepers has his moments. He is a man of honor.

**Natasha:** Right. That doesn’t mean he’s nice, though.

**Riki:** Peepers has his principles.

**Craig:** Yeah, he has principles.

**Riki:** I wouldn’t say he’s nice though.

**Craig:** Actually, he’s quite mean.

**Riki:** Yeah. [laughs]

**John:** So can you talk to us about the music because one of the most striking things and the reason why I love the Comedy Central, the blip at the end is because you have like this sort of heavy, hardcore rap soundtrack underneath it all. So there’s obviously a Downton Abbey influence, the upstairs, the downstairs, the striving for society. But then at what point do you figure out like, oh, we’re going to have cutaways like on the Kardashians, we’re going to drip — nail drops throughout it. When did that come? Was that part of your presentation? Was it always in the script?

**Natasha:** I don’t know. We always kind of like saw it that way somehow and then we asked Snoop Dogg to do the credit.

**Riki:** Natasha did the Roast with him, so —

**Natasha:** And so he did it and so him singing the song, like it kind of made it feel this reality vibe that we wanted and —

**Riki:** It just made us laugh so much when we had the cold open and then it would go into this hardcore rap song. We were like, “That feels right.”

**John:** Yeah. [laughs]

**Riki:** And so we just kept it going. And then when we had little bumpers at the end of each act, it’s like we just — I don’t know, it’s just funny, I think more than anything. You know, there’s no deeper meaning behind it other than that it made us laugh. [laughs]

**John:** All right. It feels like an incredibly challenging show to shoot. So is this shot here in town?

**Riki:** Yeah, in Silver Lake.

**John:** In Silver Lake, great. So —

**Craig:** Oh, I live really close to Silver Lake. So I’m just saying, if the guy dies —

**John:** If you need an extra in the background or a double.

**Craig:** Or if somebody kills him.

**Natasha:** It’s this old mansion in Silver Lake.

**John:** Right. And so, you’re basing out of there and you cross-board and cross-boarding means that you have all the scripts, you figure out what scenes you need and you’re shooting all those scenes with those actors no matter what episode they’re in.

**Natasha:** Yeah.

**John:** But do you just go mental? As actresses, do you go crazy with the responsibility of like, “Here’s what I need to do,” versus also, “I’m creating the show and responsible for the writing,” how do you balance all that?

**Riki:** Well, we have to work really hard. On Sundays, I memorize my dialogue for the whole week and I have someone come over and drill it with me so that I don’t feel, you know, like the last minute trying to memorize. So I have it down by the time we start our week. And then usually like two to five minutes before each scene, I’m like, “I need some time.” Like I need to just relax. I need to like be in a free space for a second. I can’t answer any wardrobe questions. I get no fires. Like someone else has to put them out in the next, like right before the scene. And that seems to help.

**Natasha:** That’s interesting because I feel like I use the energy of the stress and maybe just lash out as my character.

**Craig:** That makes absolute sense because your character — I mean, so your character is kind of a monster.

**Natasha:** Yes. [laughs]

**Craig:** And your character is nuts and incredibly stupid. Her character can’t read.

**John:** Yeah.

**Riki:** Yeah.

**Craig:** So that’s like one of the basic —

**Natasha:** But that was common in the turn of the century. They thought if a woman read college level books it would shrink their ovaries.

**Craig:** There’s also the constant referral to weird like late 1800, early 19th Century or 20th Century understandings of medical science. I mean, the scene where the tension — like Chris Parnell plays Dr. Freud releasing their tension with this fucking vibrator, it’s —

**Riki:** That’s from the turn of the century. There’s so much real stuff in our show you wouldn’t believe it. Like cocaine wine was real.

**Craig:** Cocaine wine was real.

**Riki:** Like so many things are real, but yeah, Freud masturbating women to relieve hysteria happened. And so, of course, we’re like, “Oh, let’s all get masturbated together.” I don’t know if he did a group session but —

**Craig:** Like, you know, the mom’s there with her daughters and —

**Riki:** As a family. [laughs]

**Craig:** As a family, right. It wasn’t enough. She needed like a dildo machine. [laughs] This brings to mind a question.

I don’t have to tell you guys that we live in a time where people get in trouble constantly. Not for massive violations of taste but minor violations of taste at times. You guys kick the door down. You light stuff on fire. You don’t care. This show, while it’s lampooning racism and sexism and classism, it’s also like parallel with it. It’s like making fun of it and it’s with it.

Has there been a lot of backlash? Are you getting in trouble or you good?

**Riki:** I can’t believe how little backlash there’s been. We have a rape scene in episode 2 where —

**Craig:** I know.

**Riki:** One of our male characters gets raped and we were like just waiting for the, you know, backlash. We didn’t get it. You know, everyone on Twitter has got an opinion, but like it wasn’t like a mass, you know, hundreds of people. You know, there’s always one or two people who say something but —

**Craig:** A mass, by the way, is not hundreds of people. It’s like 100,000 people.

**Riki:** Sure.

**Craig:** Like if you say smoothing about like, I don’t know, a female superhero character —

**John:** As an example, yeah.

**Craig:** Yeah, as an example, you might get a thousand people that hate you in the news feed. But —

**Riki:** Yeah. I mean, we had a puppy hanging scene.

**Craig:** Yeah, yeah. The puppy hanging scene is great.

**Riki:** There’s so many —

**Natasha:** Yeah, like at least they PETA people can come after us. [laughs]

**Craig:** Somebody just —

**Riki:** I know. We have —

**Natasha:** I mean, they’re desperate for something to talk about.

**Riki:** Your character dressed in Mickface which is making fun of Irish people —

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Riki:** It’s white makeup with freckles and a red wig. [laughs] And she did an anti-Irish song in her pageant.

**Craig:** It’s amazing.

**Riki:** And nothing. I don’t know. People don’t seem to get mad at us. I don’t know why.

**Craig:** I also love how the show brings in —

**Natasha:** Oh, because we’re in those fancy costumes.

**Craig:** I know. The customs basically do it, right? Like that covers everything.

A lot of times, though, in the show they’ll bring in characters that are historical of the time, roughly. So her character’s former lover is Ponzi, the guy that invented the Ponzi-scheme. And he’s basically trying to get money. He’s a total cad. He left her at the altar. And he’s back and she talks about how she spent a summer with him making love when she was 11. And there’s a picture of Ben Stiller man with 11-year-old girl and she just like — no letters, nothing. It’s amazing.

**Riki:** Nothing. [laughs]

**Craig:** And you guys are bulletproof. I love it.

**Riki:** I don’t understand it.

**John:** Maybe it’s the period that may help you though because it feels like, “Oh, well, it’s a period show.” It’s like, of course it’s different mores for that time. Yes, you’re making a joke —

**Craig:** No. [laughs]

**John:** I be if you tried to do the same joke that was meant to be set in present day times, people would be less comfortable with it.

**Craig:** Yeah. I think they’re just magic.

**Natasha:** Like when I started doing standup, I realized if I wore a dress and gloves I could be meaner. And people wouldn’t get as mad. So maybe that’s kind of part of it.

**John:** Can you talk to us about the difference between writing for yourself as standup and writing for a character that you’re playing or for all these other characters? Is the process of coming up with a joke, of coming up with how you would actually get that idea across different based on who’s going to have to say that line.

**Natasha:** Yeah. Well, it’s very collaborative, our show. And we really think about every person and what they would be funniest doing.

**Riki:** Yeah, this is not a show where the leads take the — or the writers take the best lines. Like we make sure everyone is funny. We will do our best to make sure everyone is funny. [laughs]

**John:** Do you have table reads before you shoot? Or is that even possible with the block shooting you’re doing?

**Natasha:** It’s not possible, but we do have them.

**Riki:** Yeah. It really —

**John:** All right. Yes. Yes and yes.

**Riki:** Yes.

**John:** Yeah, yes.

**Riki:** But it’s also not possible, but yeah, we do have them.

**John:** And talk to us about improvisation because it feels like it would be much harder to improvise in a show that’s taking place in this period of times where and it’s also so serialized. Characters can’t go off and just do anything. Do you do those, you know, random last takes to try to get other —

**Natasha:** There are certain actors that we let do that like Tom Lennon and Mike Ian Black and David Wain and Brian Huskey are kind of made to do, you know —

**Riki:** 1902 dialogue.

**Natasha:** Yeah.

**Riki:** But most of us are not made to do that because we lose the affect. Or we’ll be like whatever or we’ll say something modern.

**Natasha:** You can’t say that. Like when she called her whore, it’s because her name is Hortense. Like you wouldn’t just call someone whore, right?

**Riki:** But Tom Lennon would be like, hot pudding, it’s a scandal. And you’re like, what does that mean? You know, you’re just like, okay.

**Craig:** Something like it was like butterscotch or scotch bucket.

**Riki:** Scotch frog hat.

**Craig:** Scotch frog, yeah, like what the fuck does that mean?

**Natasha:** He could do that for hours.

**Riki:** Yeah.

**Natasha:** Just act surprised in 1902.

**Riki:** Yeah. We said some line to him and he goes, “What Christmas?” And it just sounded normal. And we’re like okay. But I personally cannot improvise like that, so I don’t.

**John:** Where are you guys at with a second season? What’s going on right now?

**Natasha:** We’re writing it.

**John:** Nice.

**Craig:** So it’s definitely, it’s going. It’s going to happen?

**Riki:** Oh yeah, we start filming in January.

**Craig:** Fantastic.

**Riki:** Yeah.

**John:** Yeah. Just down the street from Craig.

**Riki:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** Yeah, so —

**Craig:** And have you settled on all of the cast for the —

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Settled? Settled on that?

**Riki:** Yeah.

**Craig:** No Jews? No, like a Jew character? Like a funny — okay.

**Riki:** I mean I don’t know if we’ve thought of it that way.

**Natasha:** Are you an actor?

**Riki:** We’re not like no Jews. [laughs]

**Craig:** Yes. Yes, I am. I am an actor, of course. I’ve never done any acting, but right now —

**John:** Yeah. Craig Mazin just grew this beard by the way. And he will shave his beard —

**Craig:** Why would I — no, no, this is very —

**John:** It is a period beard.

**Craig:** I just want to be in the show.

**John:** We want you to have 18 seasons of your show.

**Riki:** Thank you.

**John:** So please keep writing your show.

**Natasha:** Thank you.

**Riki:** Yeah, everybody watch it.

**Craig:** Yeah, no. You guys really should watch it.

**Riki:** Maybe we’ll get more people to be mad. It would be nice to have a controversy because then it would get more attention.

**John:** Absolutely. So reference like green female superhero and you’ll get a lot of controversy. That’s our advice to you.

**Craig:** I’ve got in so much trouble. You don’t even want to know because I don’t wear dressing gloves. And boy.

**John:** Yeah.

**Natasha:** You guys should all access your parents’ cable provider and put in the number and watch it on Comedy Central on their website.

**Craig:** Yes, you guys go home and do this.

**Natasha:** It’s not on Hulu anymore.

**Craig:** Another Period, awesome, awesome show.

**John:** Natasha and Riki, thank you so much for coming here.

**Natasha:** Thank you.

**Riki:** Thank you for having us. Thank you.

**John:** Craig has a mild crush as you can see on —

**Craig:** On the show.

**John:** He has a talent crush. We also have a bit of a crush on this next show as does a lot of America. It is a show on Netflix. It is called —

**Craig:** Oh, you don’t know?

**John:** I know what it’s called but I want to see if —

**Craig:** Master of None.

**John:** All right. And we want to show you a small clip of this program so you can see what it’s about.

[Video Plays]

**Alan:** I got to say, out of the 15 X-Men movies that I’ve seen, that was definitely top nine.

**Aziz:** Yeah, there was, like, 30 heroes and 40 villains. There are just too many people in these movies now. Text from my dad — “Please come and fix my iPad. Now it won’t stop dinging.” Does your dad always text you to fix stuff?

**Alan:** I don’t think my dad knows how to text. He also hates talking in person. He averages, like, three words a week.

**Aziz:** Our dads are so weird. I told my dad I got to call back on The Sickening.

**Alan:** Oh, the black virus movie? That’s great.

**Aziz:** Thank you. I told him. He’s like, “Uh, okay. Can you fix my iPad?” How about, “Hey, son, great work,” or, “Hey, son, I’m proud of you”?

**Alan:** I have — I have never, ever heard my dad say the word ‘proud’. It’s always like, “That’s it? So that’s all you’ve done?” Like, if I went to the moon, he would honestly be like, “When are you going to Mars?”

**Aziz:** Yeah. “Oh, Brian, you went to the moon? That’s like graduating from community college. When are you gonna graduate from Harvard, AKA, go to Pluto?”

**Alan:** I just feel like Asian parents, they don’t have the emotional reach to say they’re proud or whatever. Have you ever hung out with a white person’s parents, though? They are crazy nice.

**Aziz:** Yeah.

**Alan:** I had dinner once with my last girlfriend’s mom, and by the end of that meal, she had hugged me more times than my family has hugged me in my entire life.

**Aziz:** Yeah, dude, most white families, they’d be so psyched to adopt me.

[Video Ends]

**John:** All right. Let’s welcome the co-creator of this wonderful program, Mr. Alan Yang. Sir, congratulations.

**Alan Yang:** Thanks, man.

**John:** I remember talking to you, we were both wearing aprons. We were at this crazy meat-filled event where they were roasting things. And you’re describing the show that you’re going to make with Aziz. I was like, that sounds cool.

**Alan:** Yeah. I wear that apron everywhere, though. Yeah, so it’s been kind of a long time gestating and evolving since we came up with it, but yeah, it got made. [laughs]

**John:** It got made, congratulations. So when you described it, you said it was going to be an eight episode — sorry, 10-episode series for Netflix and it was all going to be in New York and it was going to be Aziz and sort of individualized stories. He said it was Louis-like. And it’s that but it’s also so much more. It feels like it’s such an amazingly 2015 show.

**Alan:** Yeah. You know, we put kind of a large priority on making it hopefully feel different and fresh and hopefully original too, you know. So we kind of have this rubric of, “Hey, if you could see it on another show, maybe push harder and do another topic or do it in a new way or make it stretch over a longer time period.” Just anything we could do to make it feel original. And we had this idea from a long time ago where any characters we wanted for the episode, just the ones that we needed, we would use. So we wouldn’t have the same repertory cast in every episode because you know in real life, you know, if the three of us are buddies, we still don’t spend 24 hours a day together. So like not every story I go through involves you and Craig.

**Craig:** John and I do spend 24 hours.

**John:** Yeah, it basically is that.

**Alan:** Yeah, so you can have an episode with Aziz and alt person or Aziz and his parents or whatever and you might not see Eric Wareheim or Lena or whoever.

**John:** Cool. Give us a sense of your back story because I don’t know sort of how you got — I know you’re from Parks and Rec, but I don’t know you from before then. So how did you get started in this?

**Alan:** Yeah. So I majored in biology in college and that was just a rocket ship to comedy, just like right into — [laughs]

**Craig:** I did that, too. I did that, too. Were you pre-med?

**Alan:** I wasn’t really anything. I didn’t know what I wanted to do and I loved writing and I loved comedy growing up, but that didn’t really seem like a real possibility, right?

I grew up in Riverside, California which is like an hour from here. And, oh, someone from Riverside, sorry about that buddy. [laughs] But yeah, so it’s just — I read a study that said it ranked all the cities in America in terms of how Bohemian they were by sort of a metric of how many people worked in creative fields or, you know, did kind of, you know, things that we do I guess. And number one on that list was LA because there’s a lot of entertainment people so they counted that as artistic for some reason. And the last place city on the entire list was Riverside which is crazy, which is like it’s an hour from here but I guess if you wanted to do something creative, you just get the hell out of here.

**John:** So you started at the bottom and worked your way up here.

**Alan:** Yeah. I guess what I’m saying is that it’s like that Drake song. [laughs]

**John:** Your life is a Drake song.

**Alan:** Yeah. So I went to school and, you know, I was doing biology and I kind of hated everyone. And I didn’t really like — like I felt like I didn’t fit in. But I found a couple of things I liked to do. And one of them was I played in a punk rock band which is really fun. And so I got out of the campus and was able to tool around. And I started writing for this comedy magazine. And the comedy magazine was called Harvard Lampoon.

**Craig:** Did you say Haverford Lampoon?

**Alan:** Yeah, it’s called a Howard Lampoon. I went to Howard University.

**Craig:** Got it.

**Alan:** No, it’s a —

**Craig:** That’s the best way to work at Harvard ever. I was working at…Harvard Lampoon.

**John:** I was in Boston and yeah.

**Alan:** Yeah. So it’s an oftentimes horrible magazine that is not funny at all, but there’s a lot of funny people there. And basically, all I wanted to do was hang out with funny people and be funnier. So I grew up, I was watching the Simpsons, and Seinfeld, and SNL, and Mr. Show and I was like, wow — when I started working on The Lampoon I was like this maybe is a job in some way. Like I didn’t know that it was a job.

So after I graduated, I moved out to LA and just started writing scripts and was broke and unemployed and trying to get an agent. So that’s how that started.

**John:** So my perception of The Lampoon folks who move out to LA is they basically like just load in a van and everybody moves out to an apartment and just start working together. Was that the experience?

**Alan:** The van part is not accurate, but what’s great about it is you just don’t feel so alone.

**John:** Yeah.

**Alan:** So you move out. And there’s not that many people on the magazine, so my year for instance, there were probably six writers or something, five or six writers. So yeah, a few of us moved out to LA and what you do is you move out here and you just don’t – you’re all broke together, right? So you feel less like a crazy person and, you know, I respect the hell out of everyone who does it and comes out alone because that’s really scary and intense and it’s a huge risk and that’s tough. But it was cool to have like a couple of buddies who could be your roommate or you could go have a beer with or something when you’re all struggling growing up.

**Craig:** I was struck you when you were talking, you were saying you grew up with The Simpsons and Seinfeld, so I’m guessing you’re quite a bit younger than John and I are, but the show has this really interesting ’70s vibe to it. And even like the credits remind me so much of like Woody Allen. So I assume this is intentional?

**Alan:** Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. You know, again, that was another thing where we just wanted the show to feel different. And one of the things we had been doing recently while we were coming up with the show is watching a lot of these ’70s comedies, you know. Hal Ashby, you know, obviously The Graduate, Elaine May, Heartbreak Kid.

And what was really cool when watching those movies was just the realism and how they let scenes breathe and how it wasn’t necessarily, you know, 100 jokes a page, like a lot of these sort of network comedies are.

**Craig:** I like those.

**Alan:** Well, yeah, those are great. Listen, like there’s no better show than 30 Rock, right? It’s an amazing show, but we just didn’t want to necessarily do that show.

**Craig:** Right. But you like that pace?

**Alan:** Yeah. It was like, you know, we have scenes where there are no jokes.

**Craig:** Right.

**Alan:** We have scenes where there are ton of jokes. We have scenes that are a little broader. But for the most part, we were trying to do things that felt a little bit like a conversation that you might have with your friends.

**Craig:** Well, speaking of that conversation, there’s something really interesting. You know, so I’m watching, you know – I watched these episodes of your show and pulled out — like there were a lot of moments like this where I thought, I wonder if you and Aziz ever found yourselves in this weird dilemma where on the one hand, part of what the show is is presenting this perspective of what it means to be Asian-American in Hollywood and you’re sharing a unique perspective. That’s part of the unique voice. On the other hand, you don’t want to feel like, “Oh, now I’m representing four billion Indian and Chinese people and that that’s what I have to do.”

**Alan:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Like do you ever feel like, “Okay, we’re kind of ping-ponging back and forth between these two things. We want do it, we don’t want to do it.”

**Alan:** Yes and no. So that’s actually — that’s a very astute question because you do feel that way, right? You feel like, “Man, there is one show with an Indian guy as a lead like in the world right now?” [laughs]

**Craig:** Right.

**Alan:** Like this one, right?

**Craig:** So we can probably —

**Alan:** Yeah, so you feel responsibility be like, you know, you don’t want to — but the number one thing is we just want the show to be good, right? So you want the show to be good and this is a thing I actually talked about with my friend last night who’s half Asian and I’ve worked in really, really fun rooms and very, very open, very, very progressive like really, really fun places. I don’t think I’ve ever worked with another Asian writer. [laughs] You know, it’s like I’ve been working for 10 years, you know. So you’re always — so if it ever comes up — and you know on my last show on Parks and Rec, it was a very diverse room, you know, oftentimes majority women or at least half women which I thought was great.

But there were times where, oh, we had one black writer like my old roommate, Aisha Muharrar, was a writer there. And we had an issue where it’s like, “Okay, is this offensive and like, we have to ask Aisha?” Like you don’t want to ever put a person in that position, but you have someone who is black or someone who is Asian and you’re going to ask them. So it’s just a tricky place.

And what we ended up doing was, anytime there was this sort of interesting or controversial or an issue that might be offensive or sticky in that way, we just have the debate. We would all yell at each other in the room. And our room was, you know, some Asian people, some Indian people, some white people, too. [laughs] But oftentimes, we put that conversation in the show. We would just put it in the show.

**Craig:** Right.

**Alan:** So, you know, there’s some literal like transcriptions of arguments we had in the writer’s room —

**Craig:** I love that.

**Alan:** And they just go in. Yeah.

**Craig:** I love that. Because there is a certain fearlessness to your — and that’s kind of what’s required especially for comedy, even when it’s comedy of this — which is very — you know, this tone is a really unique tone. I think the second you start kind of, I don’t know, crafting it and being careful about it, it feels like it’s fake.

**Alan:** Yeah. We weren’t in the business of like, “Well, we don’t want to offend people.” Like we don’t really care about that. [laughs] It was like —

**Craig:** Good for you.

**Alan:** Yeah.

**John:** But I think what’s working about your show and Another Period, even though the tones are just so vastly different, is they’re both incredibly specific. They’re not the same version of the everyone in a kitchen set kind of show. It’s a very specific way of looking at this world and characters who want things that are not the common things we’re expecting to see characters want.

**Alan:** Yeah. I think there’s a fallacy that it’s like, “Well, we have to make this character sort of as generic and relatable as possible like an everyman.” I think Aziz wrote a good piece in the New York Times or something where he was interviewed where he said the everyman isn’t always like the most common person in America. It’s not always a younger white guy or, you know, whatever. When you get relatable is when your specific emotions and motivations and characters, you felt that so strongly yourself that you know how to put it into the script. And when you do that — I think we discovered that while we were writing the show, it’s like, “Well, these characters are us.” So we know how we felt when that happened and a lot of these experiences are ours, you know. A lot of that stuff in the parents episode, that stuff all happened with my dad. You know, he killed this chicken when he was young. And I’m an ungrateful shithead.

But yeah. So that’s real. So that’s real.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Alan:** And so I knew how to write that. So when you’re able to do that, the specific becomes universal and it becomes relatable.

**John:** You’re also able to write a version of yourself saying things that are like the kinds of things you would say, but specifically to that scene to what point you’re trying to get across and so it’s not an everyman because it’s you.

**Alan:** Yeah, exactly. So, you know, my white ex-girlfriend or whatever, her mom loved me. [laughs] Like, you know, that’s why that’s in there. But it’s like, you’re right, you know, when things become personal, I think that’s often times when they become really good especially in comedy.

**Craig:** I’m kind of curious. I’ve written with actors before. You’re in a really funky little situation here. I mean I’m sure it’s — I mean these two are both acting, so they can’t really — they can kind of neutralize each other if one is like this scene is about me. But your co-writer, your co-creator is the star of the show.

**Alan:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And he is also not just the star of the show, his character, Dev, is basically it’s him. I mean his parents are his parents, right?

**Alan:** Yeah.

**Craig:** So have you ever looked Aziz in the eye and said, “Nah, Dev wouldn’t say that.”

**Alan:** [laughs] In those words, no.

**Craig:** Okay.

**Alan:** But, you know, in the writer’s room, he needs someone to tell him — he does need someone to tell him no.

**Craig:** Right.

**Alan:** And he respects that. I mean we’ve known each other for so long now. You know, we met first season Parks and Rec so we’ve known each other for seven, eight years or whatever. Yeah, I’m not scared of that guy. [laughs] But, you know, and it’s good because when we have conflicts, that makes the show better generally.

**Craig:** Right.

**Alan:** You know, and it’s like we’re such good friends. You know, we hang out so much outside of work. And we’re going on a trip to Europe tomorrow. [laughs] But that means also like I can yell at him on the set. Like if it’s like, “Hey man, like I don’t think — I think you should do it this way.” And then ultimately, usually we shoot it both ways and we see it in the edit room or whatever.

**Craig:** Right.

**Alan:** Or in the writer’s room, I think it’s good for a person in his position who has such a strong point of view and who generally knows what his character would do. You know, I put 100% faith in that. But at the same time, there’s so many other concerns when making a show like how the story is shaped and the structure of the episode works and what the series arc is.

**Craig:** Right.

**Alan:** All those things need to be taken care of as well. And so, you know, we have conflict but we always resolve it amiably and I think it’s generally worked.

**Craig:** Awesome.

**John:** Awesome. Alan Yang, congratulations on your show yet again.

**Alan:** Thanks so much.

**Craig:** Awesome man.

**Alan:** Thanks.

**John:** And stay put. Now, can we have everybody back up here because we’re going to do our One Cool Things. All right. So traditionally on the podcast, we do the thing at the end of the show called One Cool Thing and Craig always forgets his One Cool Thing and we sort of stall for a time and I do mine first. But tonight because it’s a holiday show, I thought we would do sort of a secret Santa kind of One Cool Thing.

So what I asked everybody to do is to put their One Cool Thing on the back of a card and it’s going to have someone else’s name on the front of the card and that’s who’s going to get that gift of the One Cool Thing. So we’re going to pass these out. So hold on one second.

**Craig:** [laughs] Malcolm is so excited for this. That’s a show I would totally watch, by the way.

**Malcolm:** It’s so John August.

**Craig:** Like you and August together is going to be an amazing show.

**Malcolm:** Grand closing.

**Craig:** It would be so great.

**John:** I will read aloud what someone is giving me and then I need to figure out who is giving me this gift. My gift to John is the magical power to give everyone in America at least one Muslim friend or at least a barber or a dentist or something, so people are a little less scared. You’re welcome, John.

**Craig:** Well, you know, that wasn’t me.

**John:** No. I don’t know, Malcolm Spellman. Did you give me a Muslim friend?

**Malcolm:** No.

**Craig:** Are you kidding me? You thought that was Malcolm? Oh my god, never. Malcolm doesn’t want anyone to have anyone —

**Natasha:** That is clearly someone who went to Harvard.

**John:** Was that you, Alan?

**Alan:** Yeah, it was me.

**John:** Oh, I have a Muslim friend. Thank you very much, Alan Yang.

**Alan:** Great hand. Great hand.

**Craig:** She nailed it.

**John:** How do I get a Muslim friend? Is there like a —

**Alan:** Yeah. I don’t know, I didn’t really understand the assignment but, so I just wrote down a bunch of words.

**John:** Yeah.

**Alan:** No. But, you know, that was just a thing that I was thinking about the show a little bit because I knew I was going to talk about it. And one of the things we realized when making it was like, man, like, for all these episodes we did research like when there is an episode about old people and we had — we spent the day with a bunch of older ladies in New York and I had lunch with them and learned stories.

And it’s like, man, the more you meet people and like they become your friends or at least your acquaintances, you’re a little bit more empathetic. You just know them a little better and whatever, not to get political — I don’t really care about politics. But, you know, if they didn’t let Muslim people in America, Aziz’s parents wouldn’t have been able to come to America. And he wouldn’t have been born.

**John:** Yeah.

**Alan:** And I wouldn’t have been able to do the show with him.

**John:** Yeah.

**Alan:** And you guys wouldn’t have gotten to hear me say all this amazing shit.

**John:** Yeah.

**Alan:** So that would have been a huge tragedy. [laughs]

**Craig:** It all boils down to you.

**Alan:** Yeah. Like it’s basically about, do they get to listen to me or not.

**John:** Yeah. Well thank you for the gift of understanding.

**Alan:** You’re welcome.

**John:** Thank you very much. Riki, what did you get?

**Riki:** I got a KRUPS F23070 Egg Cooker.

**John:** Oh my.

**Craig:** You got to know who that’s from. It sounds like a robot talking, so who could it be from?

**John:** Yeah, it’s me. [laughs]

**Craig:** That literally sounds like robot talk. KRUPS 01243 Egg Cooker.

**John:** So here is why I’m giving you this specific egg cooker, because it’s the best egg cooker. So over the summer, we were staying at an Airbnb and the person showing us around was like, oh, and there’s an egg cooker. I’m like, “Well, that’s ridiculous. Who needs something to cook hard boiled eggs? You just boil water and you have hard boiled eggs.” But it was like I woke up early one day, I was like, “I’m going to try the egg cooker.” And it’s amazing. So essentially, it cooks seven hard boiled eggs at once and like cooks them perfectly. So you don’t have to like set a timer. You don’t have to do anything. It’s just like you have hard boiled eggs.

**Natasha:** How many hard boiled eggs do you eat a day?

**John:** I eat one a day. So you do a whole bunch at once and just keep them in your fridge.

**Natasha:** I eat like one a year.

**Riki:** It would be the first egg I’ve ever cooked, so —

**Alan:** It’s been a decade.

**Riki:** I don’t cook eggs at all.

**Craig:** I eat one a year.

**John:** Wow.

**Craig:** It’s egg day.

**Alan:** You celebrate egg day. Yeah. Yeah, June 20, right? June 20th?

**Craig:** It’s egg day! Yay.

**Alan:** You guys don’t celebrate that?

**John:** I think you’d actually genuinely enjoy it.

**Riki:** I think I might. I mean, I think I might. I’ve never cook anything, so it would be a welcome change.

**John:** Yeah. I mean it’s easier than using a hairdryer. Like it’s how simple it is to make.

**Riki:** Wow. But then I would have to buy eggs as well.

**John:** Yeah. Or you can have —

**Riki:** It’s like another step.

**John:** Or you can have someone buy you the eggs.

**Riki:** True. [laughs]

**John:** True. All right. Natasha, what did you get?

**Natasha:** I have a question, though, do you peel it? Like you just eat it with toast or do you just like carry it around with you, the egg?

**John:** I would advise you to peel the egg before you eat it because like the shell is crunchy and —

**Natasha:** But you just bite into it like that and eat the dry yolk and just eat it?

**John:** Yeah, it’s fine. Yeah.

**Craig:** Bite into it, eat its nutrients.

**John:** Or rip it open. Yeah, it’s delicious, it’s healthy.

**Natasha:** Okay, cool.

**John:** Natasha, what did you get for your Secret Santa gift?

**Natasha:** I got Postmates. Well, I think this person probably also like me and Alan didn’t really understand the assignment. So I feel like this is maybe from Malcolm and he just discovered Postmates. And he wants me to know about it, too. But I already know about it. But thank you.

**Malcolm:** No. I’m the king of Postmates. Like —

**Natasha:** You can order from many different restaurants at once.

**Malcolm:** I’m on the level where I order that shit while I’m driving home at the same time.

**Natasha:** Yeah.

**John:** But I don’t know what this at all. So talk us through. Sell us on this.

**Malcolm:** It changes everything.

**John:** All right.

**Malcolm:** They are — it’s Uber for everything else particularly food. So any restaurants you want in LA, you just tell them, you know, you do your order, whatever, and they bring it to you and it’s not like — the difference between this and delivery is when you order food from delivery, they’re stopping at other people’s house, your food shows up cold. They order your shit for you, go pick it up, bring it straight to your house. And again, once you get really good with it, that’s when you start ordering in your car at a red light. You try to —

**Craig:** God.

**Natasha:** And also —

**John:** How did Malcolm Spellman die?

**Natasha:** We should also be clear, this is an app for rich people.

**Alan:** Yeah. It’s like $40. [laughs] No, it is good.

**Natasha:** And also, one of the other amazing things about it is you get things delivered that don’t deliver. So it’s not just like your Domino’s Pizzas is hotter. It’s like —

**Craig:** What about like say, egg cartons? Do they do the eggs?

**Natasha:** Your Mr. Chow’s crispy rice sushi.

**Craig:** So it’s like a messenger service for food basically.

**Natasha:** For restaurants.

**Craig:** Or for restaurants.

**Malcolm:** But they’ll go pick up your ink cartridge from Staples, all that shit.

**Natasha:** Oh really?

**Malcolm:** Yeah.

**Alan:** Any object. It’s great. It’s an object delivery. Yeah. Or you push the limits.

**John:** Alan, will they bring me a Muslim friend?

**Alan:** Oh yeah. [laughs]

**John:** They can do it, because that’s an object —

**Alan:** Here’s your Muslim friend and the egg cooker, John.

**John:** Fantastic, it’s all —

**Alan:** One car.

**John:** Backstage, we were talking about actors who do voiceovers for commercials. I feel Malcolm Spellman might be the right voice for this delivery service.

**Alan:** Yeah, he’s got a great voice.

**John:** You’d buy it from him, wouldn’t you?

**Craig:** Oh yeah, this place will pick up your shit.

**Malcolm:** Exactly.

**Craig:** That was a pretty good impression.

**Malcolm:** Charges on Postmates.

**Alan:** Yeah.

**John:** Alan Yang, what did you get for a Secret Santa gift?

**Alan:** Oh yeah. I got, I would follow him on all social media as a Christmas present.

**Natasha:** I didn’t understand the assignment.

**John:** So do you follow him on any social media?

**Alan:** Do you not follow me, Natasha?

**Natasha:** Well, I thought like if you are were on some deep —

**Alan:** Oh no, no, you think I’m — you think I’m young person, I’m not that young.

**Natasha:** Oh okay, I thought you were on like Snapchat.

**Alan:** I am on Snapchat actually. [laughs] You’re right.

**Craig:** You are that young.

**Natasha:** Okay, so I’ll —

**Alan:** I should make up a bunch that don’t exist.

**Natasha:** Are you on Periscope?

**Alan:** I’m not on Periscope. I don’t do any broadcastings. You’re on like Twitter and like what do you —

**Natasha:** Of course, I follow you on Twitter.

**Alan:** Instagram, of course. Yeah.

**Natasha:** But Instagram, I don’t follow you. But I’d like to.

**Alan:** Follow me, man. Some great pics up there.

**Craig:** Christmas is getting weird.

**Natasha:** I’m going to do that tonight.

**Alan:** I can’t wait. I can’t wait for that follow. This has actually have been a good moment for me.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Alan:** I get an additional follower. Everyone follow me, AlanMYang. [laughs] No, it doesn’t matter.

**John:** Alan is going to spend half an hour on any person, trying to get each person in this audience to follow him.

**Alan:** Yeah.

**Natasha:** But Alan’s aesthetic, I bet his Instagram is good. I bet it’s kind of anal-retentive.

**Alan:** Yeah.

**Natasha:** But you have some good like, you know, visuals up there.

**Alan:** Yeah, it’s not bad. It’s not bad. It’s not great. It’s not bad, though. [laughs]

**John:** Malcolm Spellman, what did you get from Santa?

**Malcolm:** Kitchen Hacks: How Clever Cooks Get Things Done. I’m going to guess Mazin.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Malcolm:** I’ll tell you why I knew it was Mazin, ‘get things done.’ If you know this dude, the authority in that.

**Craig:** Yeah, you got to get things done. Quite a great book. It’s not appropriate for you because you don’t cook anything, you order your shit from Postmates, but if you were to chop a vegetable for once in your fucking life, it’s amazing, Cook’s Illustrated is my favorite because they’re, you know —

**Riki:** [laughs]

**Craig:** Why? I mean I just feel so degraded.

**Natasha:** No, Cook’s Illustrated. I just never heard of that. Sounds cute.

**Craig:** Oh, it’s the best. They’re like the scientists of coking. And they give you all these tips of the best ways to cut things like how do I cut this. Oh, we figured out after a thousand cuts of a pepper, this is the way you do it. And the way you’re nodding —

**Natasha:** No, that’s cool. I have no talent in the kitchen, so I’m just — I’m inspired and intrigued.

**Craig:** Then it could help you if you ever did try because —

**Natasha:** Oh, no interest either, but —

**Craig:** Just making sure.

**Natasha:** But I appreciate it in others.

**Craig:** If you fuck something up, there’s a whole chapter on how to fix your fuck up.

**Natasha:** Oh, that’s cool.

**Craig:** So it’s wasted on Malcolm.

**John:** And I really think that could have been the title of the episode, Wasted on Malcolm.

**Craig:** Yeah. I think it should be the title of every episode.

**John:** Yeah. We had fantastic guests and a fantastic venue, but we did not have a fantastic recording. And we lost Craig’s gift. Craig did not get to open his gift and discuss it. And it was a pretty great gift you got.

**Craig:** Yes. So I got my gift from Riki Lindhome and it was something that I’ve already put on the show as my One Cool Thing which is the Hamilton soundtrack. And so Riki and I bonded over our obsession and memorized love for the Hamilton soundtrack and then — you see, this is why people need to come to the live show because the two of us then did an impromptu version of the opening song. We made it through a good like 30 or 40 seconds of the lyrics of the opening song. [laughs] Just together, doing a duet, it was lovely.

**John:** I have a hunch that our technical glitch was actually the Broadway League sneaking it and shutting it down so that it could not be recorded because that’s, you know, Lin-Manuel Miranda is like he’s very adamant that he’s not going to want bootleg recordings. And you guys were so magnificent singing that song.

**Craig:** [laughs]

**John:** That he had to stop it.

**Craig:** Well, I get it. I don’t want to — look, I don’t want to mess with Mr. Miranda. It was something to see, man. It was something to see.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And unfortunately then after that, we did have some pretty good questions and answers that got eaten, so —

**John:** Yeah. And often, we tape the questions and answer and put them through as a separate episode in the premium feed, so we won’t have that for this time. But there were some interesting questions asked. So I thought we’d just summarize kind of the things we talked about and do the short version of what those were.

**Craig:** Great.

**John:** So the questions that came up at the microphones were about writing staffs because we had these great TV people there and they were able to answer questions that Craig or I could not normally answer.

A question about the diversity on writing staffs and sort of spring boarding off what Alan Yang had said about being like the Asian guy on the staff. And so the question was like, well, what if you are the black guy or the Muslim guy, what does it feel like to be the person who has to answer the questions of like, is that offensive?

And so Alan actually had a really interesting answer about how in Master of None, stuff would come up, there was specifically a situation where the women on the writing staff were describing what it felt like to be a woman at a restaurant who wasn’t introduced and they had a big discussion, a big argument kind of in the writer’s room and that made it into the script.

And so he was arguing in favor of diversity on staff just because you got that diversity of opinion and that diversity of opinion was what led to this some really great dialogue and scenes in the show.

**Craig:** Yes. So he was sort of saying that rather than assign or not assign the role of representative of race, gender, sexual identity, whatever category, that rather it was just, let’s have a discussion. If a discussion is a debate, let’s have a debate. Then let’s actually portray the debate which on his show, I think, is very doable. On a lot of shows, it’s not quite like that because the show maybe isn’t about relationships in that sense.

But having the debate, I think he was basically saying having the debate is worth it. It’s actually more important to have a debate than say to isolate individuals and say you are now the arbiter of what is acceptable for this topic or that topic.

**John:** Absolutely. Okay, next up. Riki Lindhome fielded a question about how she assembled her writing staff. And we actually asked all the show creators how they assembled their writing staffs. And Riki Lindhome said, well, I would read the first three pages of the script and if I didn’t like the first three pages, I would toss it aside and start reading the next one.

And to be clear, Riki Lindhome does not listen to the Scriptnotes podcast, so she has no idea about the Three Page Challenge. She was just speaking honestly of like how she put her staff together. And I thought that was actually great because it’s such a testament to this is why your first three pages are so important because if they don’t like three pages, it’s not that — they’re not going to read page four, they’re not going to read page 20. They’re just going to stop reading and they’re going to go on to next one.

So be it a TV spec or spec script you’ve written, you got to hook them so quick.

**Craig:** Yeah, you know, there’s a test that you and I apply when we do our Three Page Challenges here on the show and mostly because I assume 99 percent of the people sending them in are not professional working writers yet. The test that we’re applying is basically, “Can you do this? Do you have the fundamentals down? Are you making certain rookie mistakes? Are you making blatant mistakes?” Our test isn’t, “Is this wonderful?” Our test isn’t, “Is this really great?” Our test isn’t, “Would I hire you?”

Now, for Riki and for Natasha, when they’re looking at potential people to work on their show, you’re making a show. These are the people that are your life-support system. So they’re not looking to see if you’re avoiding problems. They’re looking to be inspired.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I think specifically, Riki said something like, her test is, “Do I care?” Not just, “Is this good?” but do I care about it? Do I remember it? Do I want to tell other people about what I just read? That’s on a whole other level of existence. That’s about being inspiring.

So just be aware. I want people to be aware that when we do this, don’t think like, oh, if they can get through those guys that they’re, you know, they’ve got it made. We’re kind of only doing a very fundamental first pass look at these things. What’s waiting for you out there is Riki going “Mm-hmm.”

**John:** Mm-hmm. Doesn’t care. So it’s really, we’re setting a pretty low bar, like, “Do they clear this low bar?” Like, this person seems like they can kind of do it.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And we’re also taking a lot of time to talk through various things on the page that tripped us up. Riki is not. She’s just basically like, “Did I laugh? Did this click with me? Do I want to meet this writer?” And that’s a very different kind of standard than what we’re doing when we’re doing a Three Page Challenge.

**Craig:** No question.

**John:** So it would be fascinating to have somebody who does a lot of staffing come on and be a guest on a Three Page Challenge because I bet it would be brutal.

**Craig:** Oh, well, because they don’t really do anything like what we do. I mean, there is that, you know, the book, Blink. I mean, everyone is using Blink when they’re doing this. There’s too many — I mean, I think Alan said they get 300 scripts, you know.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I mean, so staffing season is like this swarm of piranha in the water all trying, you know, to grab this one tiny little thing to eat. So everyone is getting inundated by these scripts. I think they open them up and, I mean, she says three pages, I guarantee there’s some where you don’t even make it to half a page. Because just, you have that blink moment you’re like, “Nope, not for me.”

**John:** Yeah, I don’t think we’ll ever do this but a fascinating exercise would be to take a big bucket of the scripts that come in. And sit down with somebody who does this for staffing and just all of us spend an hour just like going through and reading those first three pages and at the end of it discuss which of these scripts would we even want to read page four.

**Craig:** Yeah. Well, and you could also, while you’re doing that with this person, have them take — give them a red pen and have them make a little mark on the page where they stopped reading.

**John:** Oh.

**Craig:** Because I think that would actually be fascinating to see.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And sobering.

**John:** Yeah, after we did the Q&A we had a few announcements. And so I need to have those announcements down so that everyone who wasn’t in the audience can hear them. First off is that on Monday of last week, so a week ago, as you’re hearing this podcast, I sat down with Ice Cube and Andrea Berloff and F. Gary Gray and the filmmakers behind Straight Outta Compton. And so that was a special Q&A in Hollywood. And so I got to ask them questions. So it was about a half an hour of Q&A with those folks and it was great and it was — I loved that movie. I loved sitting down and talking with them about it. So if you are a premium subscriber, you can listen to the audio from that. It’s up in the Scriptnotes premium feed. So you can subscribe to that at Scriptnotes.net and listen to that. We should have one or two more writer interviews up there before the end of the year as well.

We also had a very big announcement about our next live show. Craig, tell us.

**Craig:** So this is something that we’re doing for a charity organization called Hollywood HEART and I admit that at the time that we did the show last night, I wasn’t quite sure exactly what the charity did. In my mind I knew it wasn’t about actual cardiac health. But there was a representative there from Hollywood HEART who came up afterward to explain that it’s about helping kids here in Los Angeles. And it’s a terrific organization.

So we have wonderful guests. This is going to be a live show on January 25th. We’re doing it downtown. And who’s coming? Well, we have Jason Bateman, star of screen and also a filmmaker in his own right now. And we also have the screenwriter of the small movie that is coming out. It’s like a prestige movie coming out in December. It’s called —

**John:** Yeah, it’s one of those sort of “remakey” kind of like, you know, some people may have heard of it.

**Craig:** Right. It’s called Star Wars: The Force Awakens?

**John:** Yeah, I think so. I think you got it right.

**Craig:** Or is it “The Force Awakens”.

**John:** Either one I think would work. It’s translated from French.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** So you could try it either way.

**Craig:** Star Wars, and his name is Larry Kasdan. He also in the past, he has written another Star Wars film called The Empire Strikes Back.

**John:** I saw that one. It was really good.

**Craig:** And then he wrote a side movie called Raiders of the Lost Ark.

**John:** Yeah, we discussed that movie. Do you remember that, a zillion years ago, we discussed that?

**Craig:** Oh, that’s right.

**John:** We did a whole episode on Raiders of the Lost Ark.

**Craig:** Yeah, yes. And he’s also written Body Heat. And he’s also written Big Chill. And he’s also written The Bodyguard. And, and, and, and — perhaps the greatest living screenwriter. I like to call him that.

So Lawrence Kasdan, co-writer of the — what will undoubtedly be the biggest movie of all time — Star Wars: The Force Awakens, will be with us on January 25th along with the very funny, very brilliant Jason Bateman. That’s a show you definitely want to come to and the proceeds do benefit Hollywood HEART. If you want tickets and you want to learn more about Hollywood HEART, go to HollywoodHEART.org/upcoming.

**John:** Exactly.

**Craig:** And that’s how you get tickets and so forth.

**John:** So this ticket apparently includes cocktails as well. So, come on, it’s bargain.

**Craig:** It includes cocktails?

**John:** That’s what it said on the thing. I’m only going with what I saw on the website.

**Craig:** Wow. So, just to be clear because I said it was about kids, I think that’s a little vague. It’s specifically, it’s designed to nurture creativity and community through the arts and it’s targeted at at-risk kids who either have HIV or AIDS or who are homeless or who are in foster care or the judicial systems. These are kids that are definitely in trouble. They are in trouble and they’re using the arts to kind of help get them out of trouble. And I’m a big believer in effective charity. That’s my, you know, like I get very angry when I see ineffective charity because it feels like such a wasted opportunity. I know that this is a great way to get through to kids who are in trouble. It’s a great way because the arts are part of everyone’s life. It is instantly attractive especially to kids. So I think this is a great idea. There is a camp that they run. So you should totally buy tickets for this. I mean, if you don’t buy tickets for this, you’re just a bad person.

**John:** [laughs] So the carrot and a stick, the guilt, the love, all of it together.

**Craig:** Everything.

**John:** The Craig Mazin special holiday gift.

**Craig:** I just hit you with everything I could.

**John:** The last announcement was that on the previous show we talked about how an upcoming episode will have us talking about advice for things that are not screenwriting-related. So advice about anything. So we’ve gotten more than a hundred questions in about that.

**Craig:** Wow, my god.

**John:** But keep sending in those questions. And we will plow through them and we will answer as many of them as we can on a future episode. I’m really looking forward to that. Off air, I’m going to talk to Craig about a potential guest to join us to help answer those questions.

**Craig:** Ah.

**John:** Ah. But we should wrap up this episode with a lot of thanks. So we need to give thanks to the Writers Guild Foundation. Its wonderful volunteers who helped staff that event and Chris Kartje for putting it all together. Thank you so much. LA Film School for hosting us. Leon who did all our tech stuff. We had clips up there. We had clips on a big screen. It was like we were a real show. So thank you for that.

**Craig:** Like a real show.

**John:** Matthew Chilelli, as always, did our intros and outros and edited this episode. And Stuart Friedel, our producer, our long-serving, long-suffering producer was there along with his parents and his grandparents who got to hear Malcolm Spellman —

**Craig:** Oh, my god, that’s so great.

**John:** Swear so much. Yeah. And so —

**Craig:** Oh, my god, Bubby was there. She must have been like, “Oy”.

**John:** “Oy”. Yeah, so —

**Craig:** Even the way you say “Oy” is Christian.

**John:** I know. I can’t help it. I come from a Christian heritage.

**Craig:** You do.

**John:** I knew where they were sitting in the audience but as I looked up there I thought I still saw like the paper on the seats. So I thought like, “Oh, well, the grandparents didn’t come.” But it just turns out they were so small that the paper on the chair backs behind them was still visible.

**Craig:** Oh, that’s so cute.

**John:** So cute. So it was a cute fun night. We had amazing guests. So in the show notes at johnaugust.com you’ll see the links to their Twitter handles, their other bio information about them. You’ll also see links for most of the things we talked about on the show that we could squeeze into the links. As always, subscribe to us on iTunes if you’ve not already subscribed. That helps us a lot. Leave a comment. We were not one of the top podcasts of 2015 for some reason, so let’s make that a life goal for 2016 to be one of those top-rated podcasts on iTunes.

If you have a question for me or for Craig, write to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also a place where you can write your question about, you know, non-screenwriting advice for our special episode. On Twitter I’m @johnaugust. Craig is @clmazin. And thank you everyone who came out to our live show and thank you all for listening.

**Craig:** Go buy tickets for January 25th.

**John:** Cool. Thanks, guys. Bye.

**Craig:** Bye.

Links:

* Malcolm Spellman on [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1173259/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/malcolmspellman), and [Scriptnotes, 185](http://johnaugust.com/2015/malcolm-spellman-a-study-in-heat)
* [Natasha Leggero](http://www.natashaleggero.com/) on [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1641089/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/natashaleggero)
* [Riki Lindhome](http://www.rikilindhome.com/) on [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1641251/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/rikilindhome)
* [Another Period](http://www.cc.com/shows/another-period) on Comedy Central
* Alan Yang on [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1520649/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AlanMYang)
* [Master of None](http://www.netflix.com/title/80049714) on Netflix
* [Harvard Lampoon](http://harvardlampoon.com/), and [on Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Harvard_Lampoon)
* [KRUPS F23070 Egg Cooker](http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00005KIRS/?tag=johnaugustcom-20)
* [Postmates](https://postmates.com/) will deliver you stuff
* [AlanMYang on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/alanmyang/)
* [Kitchen Hacks: How Clever Cooks Get Things Done](http://www.amazon.com/dp/1940352002/?tag=johnaugustcom-20)
* [Cook’s Illustrated](https://www.cooksillustrated.com/)
* Hamilton, the Original Broadway Cast Recording on [iTunes](https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/hamilton-original-broadway/id1025210938) and on [Amazon](http://www.amazon.com/dp/B013JLBPGE/?tag=johnaugustcom-20)
* [Scriptnotes, Bonus: Straight Outta Compton](http://scriptnotes.net/bonus-straight-outta-compton)
* [Get your tickets now for Scriptnotes, Live on January 25](http://hollywoodheart.org/upcoming/) with [Jason Bateman](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jason_Bateman) and [Lawrence Kasdan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence_Kasdan), a benefit for [Hollywood HEART](http://hollywoodheart.org)
* [Scriptnotes, 73: Raiders of the Lost Ark](http://johnaugust.com/2013/raiders-of-the-lost-ark)
* [Email us](mailto:ask@johnaugust.com) or tweet [John](https://twitter.com/johnaugust) or [Craig](https://twitter.com/clmazin) for advice on things that have nothing to do with screenwriting
* Thanks to the [Writers Guild Foundation](https://www.wgfoundation.org/) and the [Los Angeles Film School](http://www.lafilm.edu/) for hosting us
* [Intro/Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Matthew Chilelli ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))

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