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Scriptnotes, Ep 235: The one with Jason Bateman and the Game of Thrones guys — Transcript

February 4, 2016 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](http://johnaugust.com/2016/the-one-with-jason-bateman-and-the-game-of-thrones-guys).

**John August:** Hey, this is John. So today’s show is probably a PG-13. It’s not very strong language, but there’s a little bit there. So just a fair warning if you have kids in the car.

[Begin live show]

**John:** You guys think you can do it without me?

[Audience sings the theme]

Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** And this is Scriptnotes. It’s a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

So Craig, we’re doing another live show. We just did one. Now we’re doing another one. But can you please paint a word picture for our listeners at home what would they see if they were here with us.

**Craig:** So we’re on a beach.

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** We are in a lovely downtown space here in Los Angeles.

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** The room is gorgeous. Once again, fans of screenwriting podcasts, beautiful. [laughs]

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** As always. And everybody is excited. It is a diverse crowd of people that are interested. We have both Ashkenazi and Sephardic in here. And it’s one of you. Yes, yes.

And everybody is very — they’re just beaming. I think in part because, you know, unlike — we always do these things for some charity. We’ve never — at least I don’t think we’ve ever done it for ourselves. I never get any money out of this. [laughs]

**John:** We are a money-losing podcast from the get-go.

**Craig:** I’m not sure I believe you anymore, but okay, fine.

**John:** You can audit the books at some point.

**Craig:** Yeah. But this is for a wonderful charity that our friend John Gatins has been involved with for a long time. Academy Award nominee John Gatins, by the way, who is here tonight. And so this one is kind of a special one. I think it’s a terrific thing. And obviously you heard about what the — it’s Final Draft, huh?

**John:** Yeah, Final Draft is the sponsor. What I love about these shows are the surprises that you encounter.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** So like, Final Draft is the sponsor, that’s a surprise.

**Craig:** They’re giving underprivileged kids Final Draft. Haven’t they suffered enough?

**John:** [laughs] Final Draft, thank you for doing this. We are genuinely appreciative. You are doing good things for kids and the arts.

**Craig:** Yes.

So this is — now it’s also a special night because we have some terrific guests. We have with us tonight Jason Bateman. And we were going to have Larry Kasdan. Now, I think you’ve all gotten the message. So Larry unfortunately couldn’t make it. There was an illness in his family and so he had a good excuse. So we panicked. [laughs]

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** And part of the panic was, if you’re going to deliver the screenwriter of Star Wars to people, that is going to draw a certain kind of person. [laughs]

**John:** Yes. How do we replace that person? [laughs]

**Craig:** Yeah. How do you please that person?

**John:** The person who does not desire to be pleased, that person has one sort of set goal.

**Craig:** And there are really hard opinions. So we reached out and found what I think is just as good, maybe even, just as good. So tonight with us we also have Dan Weiss and David Benioff, co-creators of Game of Thrones.

**John:** Yay!

**Craig:** When Larry does listen to this, and he hears that, a little tear, a little tear.

**John:** So filling this whole word picture of the space that we’re in, it sort of looks like, if you had like one of those hipster weddings, this is the space where Craig and I would get married. There’s a whole bunch of white chairs, it’s a big empty loft. If you had like a little girl like with flower petals and like a string quartet in the corner, totally our downtown wedding —

**Craig:** You had me at get married.

**John:** All right. But in the very back of the room, back by the woefully small bathroom facilities, which you’re welcome to use during the podcast, please don’t, just get up and go. There is a table back there and there are notepads back there.

On those notepads, you may write questions for Larry Kasdan. We promise when we see Larry Kasdan to do an episode, we will ask those questions, we will ask no other listener questions other than the people who are here in this room because you are the best people in Los Angeles. So, that table in the back.

I think we need to start by bringing John Gatins up here because he is the one who roped us into all this. John Gatins, please come up.

**Craig:** Did you guys see Flight by the way? Did you see Flight?

**John:** This is the gentleman who wrote Flight.

**Craig:** I mean, right? Pretty good. That is you, right? That’s the John Gatins.

**John Gatins:** Yes. Yeah.

**John:** But John Gatins, you are not merely a writer. You are also a person who somehow roped us into this event. So please tell us what your relationship is with Hollywood Heart.

**John Gatins:** Okay. David Gale, who’s sitting right behind Craig’s wife, we made a movie together in 1998 called Varsity Blues.

**Craig:** Have you seen Varsity Blues? Pretty good.

**John Gatins:** Pretty good. The greatest Texas high school football movie ever made. [laughs]

**John:** Nothing compares to it. There’s no other Texas football things that have ever been good.

**Craig:** Where did Remember the Titans take place?

**John Gatins:** Not in Texas.

**Craig:** Got it. Then you’re good. [laughs]

**John Gatins:** Friday Night Lights, well maybe. But in 1998, and you had already started the charity but you had a great event at Paramount, which I went to. And there was all these photos from camp and you started talking to me about this camp that — the arts camp that we do every summer in Southern California.

And I went out and saw the camp. And then I was kind of hooked because I never went to camp as a kid. And this was like, camp, like kids singing to me, like they sang me into camp, like I was a camper suddenly. And it was awesome.

And so we started bringing movies every summer. We would bring a movie and, you know, the kids were like — they loved it. It didn’t matter how bad the movie was. They’re like, “This is a great.”

And I made the movie Dreamer for DreamWorks and I brought it there.

**John:** They thought it was great.

**John Gatins:** They thought it was — it was the greatest Dakota Fanning horse racing movie ever made. Ever made. So —

**Craig:** It was pretty good. [laughs]

**John Gatins:** I’m going to give you one guess as to what’s the greatest drunken pilot movie ever made starring Denzel Washington.

**Craig:** I got nothing.

**John Gatins:** [laughs] So anyway — so David. I started to go to camp and then he asked me to be on the Board, and I joined the Board. And I taught writing out at the camp because we do writing and visual arts and dance and music and filmmaking. And it’s this amazing thing.

So I got involved with all these incredible people. And I have to thank John and Craig for being willing to do this, and for David and Dan, and for Jason, and everybody who put this together, and all of you people who came because we’re a very small charity, quite honestly. And it’s like we have gone through 20 years — how many years, David?

David Gale: 21.

**John Gatins:** 21, which is kind of an amazing thing. And the camp goes on every year and we help kids from all over the country come to Southern California for this camp. It’s awesome.

**John:** Great. So in addition to being a writer, you are also — you really started in this industry in a completely different field, which is acting. And so you have some really prestigious credits which people might not be aware of.

**Craig:** Like for instance, I assume you’ve all seen Witchboard 2.

**John Gatins:** The greatest Ouija board sequel ever made, Craig.

**Craig:** It’s pretty good. He’s in it, and he delivers.

**John Gatins:** I play Russel Upton and I, you know, originally I lived through the whole movie and then I showed up on the day that we started filming. I was like dead on page 102 or something.

**John:** Yeah. So you almost made it to the end of Witchboard 2?

**John Gatins:** Almost made it to the end, John. Almost made it to the end.

**John:** Very good. So a movie that he was not killed in was actually a movie I directed in 2006.

**John Gatins:** Yeah. That’s right. So John’s movie, The Nines, was really funny because I had this assistant who had just started working for me. You know, I don’t really, you know, whatever.

So I was like, “Do you want to meet Ryan Reynolds?” I’m trying to impress her. She’s like, “Yeah, I want to meet Ryan Reynolds.”

So we drive downtown and John is directing this movie, you know, and I’m like just show up, just shoot my gig, you know. And I said to John, I said, “So I don’t really understand. This guy, he plays a TV writer, it’s like. But you know, he’s kind of an asshole, you know.” But I mean like — so he should be — and he’s like, “He’s you.”

And I was like, “Okay. But he’s a jerk to this guy.” And you know, Ryan Reynolds, he said, “It’s your relationship to me.” [laughs]

And John walks away and my assistant looks to me and she’s like thinking, “God, am I working for an ass?” But that was the greatest meta movie —

**Craig:** That’s amazing. Like he dumps it on you and then walks away.

**John Gatins:** He walks away. He does that.

**Craig:** He does that to me like on the podcast auditorially all the time.

**John Gatins:** Yeah. Yeah. He walks away.

**Craig:** Just walks, like his voice walks away from me.

**John Gatins:** Just leave you out to die.

**John:** It’s just a slope. Yeah.

So John Gatins, I wrote this part for you. And I realized I sort of made a classic rookie director mistake because I never had you audition for the part. I just assumed you could do it. And one of my goals for 2016 is to really like correct past mistakes. And so I’m wondering if we could maybe — if you’d be willing to audition for that, that same part again?

**Craig:** Yeah, he’s willing.

**John:** So I made some sides. So that’s that. And Craig, would you read with him?

**Craig:** Yeah. Of course, I’ll read with him.

**John Gatins:** Jason, I may need a little help here man.

**John:** All right.

**Craig:** Jason can’t help you now.

**John Gatins:** I need my glasses! I literally really can’t see.

**John:** You can put your glasses on.

**Craig:** You know, back in the Witchboard 2 days, no glasses.

**John:** So let me set the scene here. So this is basically any casting director, you’re going in there, you get your sides, you’re reading through it, maybe a little set up about what this is. This is taking place in a hotel gym. This is late in the second half of the movie.

John Gatins’ TV Show has been picked up for series or picked up — the pilot got picked up and going to go to series. At upfronts, Gavin’s character played by Ryan Reynolds in the movie, but maybe we’ll recast him too, is confronting him over a casting choice that’s happened.

So that’s the scene that we’re going into. So if I am the casting director, I’m probably hitting record right now. I’m probably over there — “This is the person.” “This is the person we’ll go — ”

**Craig:** Yeah. I’ve already got the job.

**John:** Yeah. You’re really the casting pro here. This is the guy reading opposite you.

**John Gatins:** I’m in character, John.

**John:** All right. And, when you’re ready.

**John Gatins:** Look, I’m sorry, but I’m kind of not. I want my show on the air and I think it was shitty for you to go after Dahlia behind my back.

**Craig:** I heard your show was gone.

**John:** I heard you fired Melissa McCarthy without having backup.

It’s not how I remember this. [laughs]

**Craig:** Hey guys, not a cool thing in an audition. Don’t do that.

**John Gatins:** Sorry.

**Craig:** Continue please.

**John Gatins:** I heard you fired Melissa McCarthy without — you never would have hired me for this.

I heard you fired Melissa McCarthy without having a backup. Why would you pick up a show when you didn’t have a star?

**Craig:** The network wanted Dahlia.

**John Gatins:** Yeah, in my show. We tested right before you. Our numbers were through the roof.

**Craig:** Really?

**John Gatins:** Really. Who’s your exec?

**Craig:** Susan Howard.

**John Gatins:** She would know. She was there. Ask her. [laughs]

**John:** Okay. That was good.

If I could give one — if I could give one note.

**John Gatins:** I’m starting to get comfy up here, John.

**John:** If I can give one note.

**John Gatins:** Yeah?

**John:** I wonder if you’re really more of a Gavin. I mean, could you — would you mind switching?

**Craig:** No. I wouldn’t.

**John:** All right. So Craig, would you mind reading the part of John Gatins?

**Craig:** No. I would love that.

**John:** All right. So when you’re ready, maybe just show him kind of what that might be. [laughs]

**Craig:** Look, I’m sorry, but I’m kind of not. I want my show on the air. I think it was shitty for you to go after Dahlia behind my back.

**John Gatins:** I heard your show was gone.

**Craig:** I heard you fired Melissa McCarthy without having a backup. Why would they pick up your show when you don’t even have a star?

**John Gatins:** The network wanted Dahlia. [laughs]

**Craig:** Yeah, in my show. We tested right before you. Our numbers were through the roof.

**John Gatins:** Really?

**Craig:** Really. Who’s your exec?

**John Gatins:** Susan Howard.

**Craig:** She would know. She was there. Ask her.

**John:** Yeah. All right.

I think long-term listeners of the show will recognize that Craig’s career as a writer is near its end. And he’s going to probably be — he’s going to be an actor here pretty soon.

**Craig:** Pretty soon.

**John:** I mean, Steve Zissis is here. He’s already trying to get you — to get you cast in things. All right?

**John Gatins:** I’ll tell you this.

**Craig:** I don’t know if just saw that magic but it’s real.

**John Gatins:** Is my mic on? Is it on?

**Craig:** We turned it off. [laughs]

**John Gatins:** Am I still here? Am I still talking? What?

**John:** It was still good. And so I think there’s still really a part for you. And we really want to thank you.

**Craig:** That’s how he ends every audition. “Is this — Am I here?”

**John Gatins:** “Is this — am I good?” “Is this on?”

**Craig:** “Am I good?” [laughs]

**John:** So John Gatins, I just want to really say, thank you for coming in.

**Craig:** Thank you, Johnny.

**John:** I think it might be a good time to bring another — an actor up here.

**Craig:** Like a real one?

**John:** An actor who does it for — we have a really great one here. Could we welcome a director and actor, Jason Bateman.

**Craig:** Jason Bateman.

It’s our traditional greeting. It’s how we do it.

**Jason Bateman:** I thought that was really good, John. That was tight. We’d like to call you back next week.

**Craig:** Wow. Cool.

**John:** You wouldn’t do that over Skype. You’d want to be in the room with him so you can really feel his energy and his presence?

**Jason:** I mean, a couple of times I’ve been lucky enough to be on the other side. I don’t — auditioning is terrible. And it’s even worse on the other side when you’re watching an actor auditioning. It’s like, it’s just — it’s the worst situation in the world.

That was fantastic.

**John:** I have a line I’d like you to do.

**Jason:** I don’t do drugs anymore.

**Craig:** Shush. We’ll get to your drug problem shortly. Here’s a line of dialogue I’d like you to see if you can take a swing on this one.

**Jason:** Did you write this?

**Craig:** No. “It’s a delicious honey graham taste made to stay crispy and crunchy in milk.”

**Jason:** I’ve done that one.

**Craig:** [laughs] That is, correct me if I’m wrong, the very first taste of Bateman that America got in a Honey Graham —

**Jason:** It’s not.

**Craig:** It wasn’t?

**Jason:** No. My crap started earlier than that.

**Craig:** [laughs]

**Jason:** But I did do a very special honey — was it a Honey Nut Cheerios or a Honey —

**Craig:** It was a Honey Graham Crunch.

**Jason:** Yes.

**Craig:** Yes. You were in a go-cart.

**Jason:** I was in a go-cart on a golf course somewhere doing speed way too fast on a golf cart path.

Yeah. I did a bunch of commercials. And then after you do a bunch of commercials your agent says, “Well now you qualify to go out and start reading for, you know, shitty TV shows.”

**Craig:** And that brings us to Silver Spoons.

**Jason:** You book a few of those and you get to do some better ones, and then you work your way up to Identity Thief, Craig.

**Craig:** Yes, well. You were in it.

**Jason:** Yeah.

**Craig:** You were all over it.

**Jason:** There was no sarcasm in that.

**Craig:** Oh, no.

**Jason:** The shit was tight.

**Craig:** Tight. [Laughs]

**John:** But let’s talk about why you were in that movie.

**Jason:** Where did he come from?

**John:** I want to know the process of you as an actor and then later on, as a director, you’re reading a script. How much of the script do you actually read before you say like, “Yes” or “No” or like, “I don’t want to finish reading this”? What is the process you go through of figuring out like, “This is something I want to spend months of my life trying to do?” What goes on in your head?

**Jason:** It’s a really good question.

**John:** I ask good questions.

**Jason:** No, it’s great.

**Craig:** I had that one written down but it was after the Honey Graham commercial.

**Jason:** I mean, there’s a lot of different answers to that and I don’t want to put you guys to sleep, but you’re probably interested in this. Majority of you are screenwriters. Yeah?

**John:** Yeah.

**Jason:** First of all, it’s annoying that we idiot actors take so long to read scripts. I know that probably, you guys have been on the wrong side of like, “Wait. Have they not read it yet?”

I mean and it is so difficult to write scripts. I tried once when I was 20 or something. And it is, what you guys do, and I’m not just trying to curry favor, it is the hardest thing in the world, what you guys do. So, my hat is off to you. The least we can do is like, read it as soon as we get it, right? [Laughs]

So there’s that. And then, to answer your question, how much of it do you read? You should finish it which I do, but it takes me a really long time to read a script because I’m not just zipping through it.

You know, you’re trying to imagine it. You’re trying to see if you can plus it or fit it, right? Because that’s our job. You guys have written it, we have to act our part or play the character in such a way where these words would make sense to come out. So it should take some time, so it takes me some time. And I usually decide before I start reading it whether I’m going to do it because it usually has lot to do with the people that are involved. If you like the people that are doing it and those people are really good at what they do, you can make something that — you can make a script that is, maybe not as good as it could be, you can make it better, perhaps. Especially if the writer is on the set and they can see kind of what angles it’s taken. And can kind of change it along the way.

So I will decide pretty much before I start reading it. And then if I can’t find a way into the act, into the character, then I’ll say, “Well, damn it. This is not a fit for me.” But I wish it was, you know?

**John:** So as you’re reading through the script the very first time, are you stopping at the end of your scenes and saying like, “Could I actually do that? Do those words fit in my mouth?” Is that the kind of thing you’re working through? Or are you tiring to picture yourself being on that set?

What is the combination of things? Is it mostly the character and the role? Is it the other people involved? What’s making you say yes or no?

**Jason:** It’s really, it’s about the people involved. It’s not about the size of the role or whether it’s like, you know, Citizen Kane. It’s really about, is everybody involved with it kind of like, “Is this a party I want to get invited to?” You know, no matter — whether I get a good seat inside the party or not, like are these cool people that I want to like be a part of?

And then, as far as you said something about fitting in my mouth and I was writing a joke to that and I forgot the rest of the sentence.

**Craig:** I got, here. I got 12.

**Jason:** You got it. He’s so fast.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Craig’s quick with those jokes. But talk to me now about reading scripts as a director because like is this something you want to spend a year of your life trying to put this whole movie together. What is that process? And you’ve just directed your second big movie. What is that?

**Jason:** Not big. Big is not the right word.

**Craig:** No, I’m sorry. Big full-length movie. A movie that could show up on a big screen.

**Jason:** That’s it.

**Craig:** That’s what it is. Theoretically, 10 people in this audience —

**Jason:** It won’t be up on that screen long but they will be there.

**John:** I saw Bad Words at the Arc Light?

**Jason:** For a day.

**John:** Yeah. But I saw it there. So what is your process of that? Whether you want to dedicate your life to that, would you know how to do that stuff?

**Jason:** Yeah. I mean, it’s — I love reading a script that would demand that the director takes full advantage of the privilege of the position, which is, that is the job where you get to unapologetically lead multiple departments and just try to communicate in the most articulate possible way what you would like each of them to do in order to create one experience, shape one experience for the audience.

And so, some films, that’s not really — in some scripts that’s not really their intention. It’s maybe, it’s a joke thing or it’s an effects thing or it’s — see, I like stuff that’s a little bit more complicated. I mean, I enjoy all films but it’s stuff that I would want to direct — the stuff that’s really challenging where it would really demand that you know how to utilize each department to create that one thing. Like a glib comparison, but like a conductor, you know? Like you need a little bit out of the horns and a little bit out of the strings and together there’s one sound and, you know.

**Craig:** But this is not something that you’ve come to, now. This is — I did not know this. But you directed three episodes of The Hogan’s. The Hogan family television show —

**Jason:** That’s right.

**Craig:** When you were —

**Jason:** That’s right.

**Craig:** But here’s the part that kind of —

**Jason:** The three best ones.

**Craig:** You were — granted, stipulated. You were 18 years old. And now, let me tell you what I was doing when I was 18. I was stuck in a room with Ted Cruz.

Enjoy my pain. You could have been doing any of the things I wished I was doing instead of being stuck in a room with Ted Cruz. None of which was directing.

So you’re a heartthrob, you’re an actor, you’re on television. There are girls and probably some drugs. I’m just thinking maybe a little bit of drugs here and there. Just a touch.

**Jason:** I don’t know. I can’t remember. I think you’re probably right.

**Craig:** [laughs] But you chose even then to direct and you know, having worked with you and now, having seen your movies, I mean, you really are a proper filmmaker. Sometimes, actors I think arrive at this sort of later on. You, it’s always been there.

And this is a kind of a weird question and I don’t know if there’s an answer, but all this time have you been kind of a director who’s been acting? Or are you an actor that’s kind of also been directing? Do you know what I mean? Like where is your soul?

**Jason:** Yeah. I am — this is — you’re going to make me cry up here.

This sounds too precious but I would think maybe a director that was acting, only because starting so young, you get to see the process for so long and you know, look, acting is not difficult. I mean, Jesus Christ.

**Craig:** We just proved that. I mean, yeah.

**Jason:** I mean look at — John is like, Oof.

But we all do it, you know? You guys are different with your best friend than you are with your mom. Like that’s just behavioral manipulation in a convincing way, right?

Like your mom is going to know if you’re not being sincere so you’ve got a really kind of thread — you got to be believable. That’s acting. It’s so simple. So if you get bored by doing something kind of simple, you start watching shit that’s really interesting like, how a guy can like load a camera and like build dolly track. And so I started to really get an early appreciation for how much work it takes to build a fake world. I mean, there’s no one there that doesn’t need to be there.

And so, I started to watch what all these people do and saw who got to communicate with all of those people. And that was the director. So I really started to watch that process and said one day, hopefully, I can do enough work where I can create an opportunity to diversify or get the privilege to do that job.

**Craig:** And now also, you are producing, I mean you have your own company that produces the stuff that you’re in, produces the stuff you make, produces things that you’re not in, and so that’s a whole other vibe. Have you been working with screenwriters a lot as just a producer where you’re not in the movie but kind of going through that development process?

**Jason:** A little bit, yeah. I mean, I’d like to be doing it more but it’s hard. It’s hard to get you guys in the room and get you guys — you guys are busy.

**Craig:** They’ll line up for the room.

**Jason:** No. I mean, like there’s not a lot of people that are willing to do the hard work of writing. I mean, it’s difficult. It takes a lot of discipline. You guys like have to stare at the wall all day to come up with something even better than yesterday’s idea. Like that’s discipline.

It’s difficult to get people in there with great ideas and then once those ideas come in to try to shape them into something that you think you can kind of navigate and execute. Yet still keep it something that makes sense to you guys, that you can still have ownership on and it still lives inside of you because you got to do all the heavy lifting. I mean, that’s a really tough process, as well. And I’m just starting doing that but I really love doing it.

**John:** Can you talk us through, either as an actor or director, when you have that first meeting with a writer? So you’ve read the script. It’s really good. You’re sitting down with her and you’re talking through this thing. How does that go well? Like, what are the good versions of that first meeting? What are you saying? What is the writer’s saying so you can — ?

**Jason:** After you read the script, and you start talking about notes —

**John:** Yeah.

**Jason:** And things like that?

**John:** Yes. So how is that from an actor’s perspective, what is the best version of that meeting or a director’s perspective? Because we only know it from the writer’s perspective.

**Jason:** He asks so much better questions than you do.

**Craig:** I know. I know. He also — he does like everything. You know that, right?

**Jason:** Oh, I know. That’s good. You do that great.

**Craig:** I know. I’ve always done that.

**Jason:** I mean, the best version of that for us or the best version of that for the writer? Ideally, look, you’re trying to get it produced. I mean, we are on the same team at that point. We want to get the script into the kind of shape — I should ask Aaron Schmidt this — Aaron, we work together, and he helps me develop some of the stuff into stuff that’s a little bit better.

You’re trying to get it made so you’re trying to let them know what your partner at the studio wants to see, what they need, and is there room inside of your creative bandwidth to move it in that direction and still have it be something that you can deliver. You don’t want to change it out of something that you guys love and what you guys want to do. You just try to find, basically, that compromise, that creative negotiation there.

**John:** From the writer’s perspective, we played all the characters until the actors showed up. And so one by one, those roles are being assigned off to people. And so, can you think of examples of like really good hand-offs where like, you guys would come to the common page of sort of what this character was like?

**Jason:** Craig, gave me a great hand-off a couple of —

**John:** Yeah. The idea was — but like, so, Craig, that’s actually a good question for you, though, because you played his character for him.

**Craig:** I give you lip service. I gave you that hand-off.

**Jason:** John’s not — John doesn’t understand what we’re talking about.

**Craig:** Not at all. No, he understands, he doesn’t care. Look, that’s his face of not caring. That’s it.

**Jason:** He’s giving an eyebrow. He’s got to, it’s Yin and Yang, guys.

**Craig:** You know the thing with Jason — I’m sorry, Justin or Jason?

**Jason:** I get Justin as much as Jason.

**John:** Justine is your sister. She emailed me today and she’s looking for a nanny.

**Craig:** We were — I think we were sitting once outside like having coffee somewhere. And like, maybe, in an hour five people came up and said, “Can I get your picture?” And two of the five called you, Justin.

**Jason:** Yeah. That’s my average, everyday. It’s true.

**Craig:** Fantastic. That’s his average.

**Jason:** You know, it is an interesting point because you guys play all the characters as you write them and what I’ve noticed with some writers that are first-time directors, sometimes, that’s an uncomfortable transition.

You know, there are sometimes, not all first-time directors who are writers do this, but sometimes, I’ll notice that I’ll get or an actor will get a false-negative from that director. In that, you know why? The note will be coming from a place of, “Well, you know, you’re just not saying it the way that I’ve heard it forever and forever.”

And that’s not necessarily wrong because the audience, obviously, hasn’t read the script before. They don’t have any preconceived notion of what that line is going to sound like, what that character is going to be performed like. So, that’s one thing that is an interesting process to go through with a writer who starts to direct is trying to get a mutually-agreed upon finish line and then how we get there really should be kind of up for grabs. Like that’s where the actor needs to take a little bit of ownership. You know, not complete autonomy on that. There should still be a collaboration. But it is the time for the actor to start to pee on the furniture a little bit.

And sometimes, you know, a writer who is just starting out as a director, that’s an uncomfortable process. And I totally empathize with that. But it’s not done like, you know. And then even once the film is shot, then the editor gets to pee on it, you know. And, boy, that guy is smashed back there. That’s two. And then marketing will change the profile of it again and it keeps growing.

**Craig:** You know, we try — we talk a lot about being specific in our voice. And I try as best as I can to write for somebody that exists. I think the danger sometimes for writers is we write our characters in our head and we see these people. But they’re not people in the world, they’re people in our heads. That’s not a matchable thing. I try and write for somebody that I know exists. What’s interesting then is you don’t get that person a lot of the time.

But in a weird way, that gets you out of then being stuck because you say, well, I wrote this for somebody that exists, that means I can write it for somebody that’s similar, that exists. I mean, I think that that’s — I mean, look, the easiest thing in the world is the arrangement that we had where I know you’re playing this part and I know Melissa is playing this part. That’s a breeze.

And then we get rid of that thing. But for most people who are writing specs, they’re a mile away or three miles away from that.

**Jason:** Right. And then it becomes the director’s obligation to make a case with the studio that this person needs to play this part because if you try to put this round peg in a square hole, it’s going to make the writing not work. And the writing already works.

One of the really good things that I learned from doing so much sitcom work is that all these scenes work and you just have to pick the right kind of emotion or attitude to make it work, to fit that. Like, because you’re working with the same material for the most part all week.

So, if on Monday you’re playing that scene jealous, it might not work. But if you play it paranoid, then it starts to pop. And sometimes you need the writer and/or producer there to say, “Hey, you know, when we wrote this or when we broke it in the room, it was going through that sort of lens. That’s kind of how we wrote it. That’s how we see — so try playing it with that emotion.” And there’s nothing wrong with the writing, it’s the actor that’s making the wrong choice.

**Craig:** There you go.

**John:** He said it himself.

**Craig:** That’s it.

**John:** Done. We’re finished.

**Craig:** Right that. Perfect

**John:** Jason Bateman, you’ll never top that. I think we should bring up these guys who have peed all over Game of Thrones.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** They made that —

**Jason:** A lot of peeing, a lot of screwing in that show.

**Craig:** A lot of screwing and blood.

**John:** A lot of screwing and blood.

**Craig:** And peeing and puking. Oh, look, it’s Stuart. Weird delayed cheer for Stuart.

**John:** Yeah, weird delayed cheer for Stuart.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Let us welcome up the co-creators and showrunners of Game of Thrones, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss.

**Craig:** Let’s bring it down. Let’s bring it way down.

**David Benioff:** There goes the evening.

**Craig:** Can you feel the energy just.

**David:** You kept Jason here to make with the jokes. Keep it lively.

**Craig:** All right, we’re going to blow through these questions real fast, get these guys off the stage. Here we go. Do you have any introduction?

**John:** I do have an introduction. What I wanted to talk to you guys about was the sense that you’re starting your 6th season, well, you’re going to start airing your 6th season, but you guys, you’re actually ahead of all of that stuff. So an episode will come out — there will be a controversy in that episode — you’ll be having to address publicly the controversy in that episode, but that was like a year ago for you guys, and you’re already on the next thing. Where is the present tense for you guys when you are writing this huge thing that just keeps going? Is there any sense of like this is where Game of Thrones is, or is it just this big blur of time for you guys?

**David:** That’s what we tell people when they get upset, we say, that was a year ago. Get over it, it’s done.

**John:** It seems like, oh, they’re going to address that controversy in like the next episode or something. It’s like, “Well, no you’re not, I mean that thing is already done.” And your show is also block shot, so you have to plan your whole season way in advance. You’re going where there’s snow. You have these multiple units. You’ve made the most complicated thing for yourselves imaginable. Why?

**Craig:** Yeah, why?

**Jason:** Craig, you are the best.

**Craig:** Thanks man.

**Jason:** You are the best. John is slowing you down, man.

**Craig:** [laughs] That’s so true. Anchor around my neck. All right.

**D.B. Weiss:** I like that Melissa is just sitting here with her arms folded.

**Jason:** You’ve got to leave this guy, Melissa.

**John:** Dan?

**D.B.:** I remember getting, we got an email, I think it was the second season, an email from Greg Spence, one of our producers at the beginning of the week, it was a mass email to everybody and it said, “Everyone, this week we will be shooting scenes for 9 episodes with 5 directors and 4 units in 3 countries. Happy Monday.”

And that is kind of as you mentioned, we have to have all the scripts written before we start shooting because there’s no way to schedule the show otherwise because we’re shooting in multiple locations with multiple director/DP teams, and it’s just really the only way. It’s kind of a hybrid television/film scheduling model. But sometimes it gets confusing to keep it all together, but by the time we get to that point, we’ve written the scripts already, and before the scripts, we wrote a very detailed outline, and before the detailed outline, we were very steeped in the world of the books, so it gets confusing sometimes. We have Dave Hill who’s somewhere in the audience, one of our writers is there to keep things in order. I don’t know where he is. Where is Dave Hill? Stand up, David Hill. That’s Dave Hill.

We have a lot of help. We have a lot of really, really smart people who let us know what comes after what.

**John:** You may have smart people, but you’re also having to deal with a whole network, a whole marketing department. They might not necessarily really understand everything else that’s going on.

**Craig:** Are you trying to depress them?

**John:** I’m not trying to depress them.

**Craig:** What’s happening?

**John:** I’m just saying —

**Craig:** I want more of the show you. You’re literally going to make them quit.

**John:** Well, we’re talking about the present tense. Let’s imagine if you can travel back through time, and like these two young writers who are considering doing Game of Thrones, what advice would you give to those young writers?

**David:** Well okay, this is actually relevant because we showed our pilot, the original pilot to Craig, what was that, seven years ago?

**D.B.:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Wow.

**David:** We were on the lot on Santa Monica in Formosa, we had shot the pilot, we had spent I think three years trying to get the show up.

**D.B.:** Yes, 2006 to 2010, it was almost four years.

**David:** It took us almost four years to get the pilot made. And we finished it. We’d been overseas for about seven months. We finally got it finished, and we show it to Craig, Ted Griffin, and Scott Frank. And watching them watch that original pilot was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I mean, it’s probably like appendicitis and that. And Craig, as soon as it finished, Craig said —

**Craig:** You guys have a massive problem.

**D.B.:** I had this, because I was taking notes. We were taking notes, I had this yellow like legal pad and I remember just writing in all caps, MASSIVE PROBLEM, underlining. And all I saw from then on that night was just massive problem.

**Craig:** I wasn’t wrong.

**David:** No, you weren’t wrong. We ended up reshooting the pilot, 90% of the pilot was reshot. I mean, it was like 92%, I mean, literally, so much of it was reshot that a different director got credit. Craig didn’t really have any brilliant ideas, except he told us, and we believed him because he was right.

**D.B.:** Change everything.

**Craig:** Well, I will say that the story, I mean, obviously, it has a very happy ending, but it’s one of the moments I will never forget is being invited to the premiere of the first season where they showed the first, I think it was the first two episodes of the series, and I was just basically — and it was at CAA, so you know, it’s the first season, you don’t get like now, when you guys have a premiere, I think they shut down a city, right? And they sacrifice humans. But then, it was just the small screening theater in CAA like your dad was there, you know. And so I went in just thinking, well, I’m going to see how this goes.

And I sat there, and this show unfolds, the first episode, and I am stunned. Stunned. And I very specifically remember walking out in between and you were there, and I said to you, “That is the biggest rescue in Hollywood history,” because it wasn’t just that you had saved something bad and turned it really good. You had saved a complete piece of shit, and turned it into something brilliant. That never happens. Here’s the crazy part. You guys, it’s honestly true, you guys are like a die that has all 20s on it, and then there was one 1, and you happen to roll the 1 when you made that pilot. That was it, it was a fluke. Everything since then —

**D.B.:** A DND reference. He’s making a DND reference.

**Craig:** Everything since then has been outstanding.

**D.B.:** I find that pandering.

**Craig:** Yes. [laughs]

**John:** I do want to point out that like Craig is now taking credit for Game of Thrones. I mean, that’s a remarkable thing that’s happened like live on this stage.

**Craig:** I mean, I’m not taking credit, I’m just acknowledging the credit I deserve.

**John:** I do want to circle back to the question though. At that moment, at the premiere where it went so, so well, if you could talk to those people who just did that, the two episodes that went so great at CAA what did you not know then that now, years later you do know? Is there anything you would do differently about your life, about the show, about how this is all going? Because —

**D.B.:** We still didn’t know anybody was going to watch it.

**John:** Yeah.

**D.B.:** And at first, it was a very slow build. They didn’t tell us this in so many words, but we got the sense that they were not that excited about the initial number. I remember we were scouting when it was airing, we were with Carolyn Strauss, who, for those you who don’t know, was the President of HBO to whom we sold the pitch.

**David:** So you would think she know something about ratings and understand the ratings.

**D.B.:** Yeah, and so they were getting the ratings in, and she gets the ratings, and she does the math in her head. She went to Harvard, so she does the math in her Harvard head, and she goes, “You guys, 8.2 million people watched the premiere. You beat Boardwalk Empire and Martin Scorsese,” and we were like, oh my god, that’s great. And then she gets an email, like five minutes later, she goes, “Guys, guys, sorry, no, no. 2.2 million people.”

John/**Craig:** [laughs]

**D.B.:** And we were like, how do you get from 8.2, to 2.2? And she said, “Oh, I read the demo number wrong.”

**Craig:** You guys have been friends for a long, long time, you were friends long before you started working on Game of Thrones together, but I’m always fascinated by partnerships, and specifically about the fights. When you fight, because just based on what I know about you, I’m just going to guess that it’s just two stonily silent people pushing their anger down, and then denying it to each other, and then just quietly turning a little bit red. Is that right?

**David:** I think in the 20 some years I’ve known Dan, 20 years-ish.

**D.B.:** Something like that. Jesus.

**David:** I think he’s threatened to kill me while drunk at least three times. Not like in a joking way, like I will beat your skull in.

**Craig:** [laughs] Really?

**David:** And the next day, I always tell him, “Dude you threatened to kill me last night.”

**D.B.:** I don’t remember it though.

**David:** And he never remembers. He’s always like, “No, I didn’t.” Dan has this tactic, if we’re arguing about something to do with the story or whatever, in effect a queue, he’ll write a 14-page email, and he knows that after four or five pages I’ll get so bored that I’ll just like — I give up, and so he always wins the arguments because —

**D.B.:** It’s a self-limiting tactic because there’s only so much time we have to write 14 pages. So you really have to choose, you can’t do it on everything, you got to choose your battles.

**Craig:** I just like that you just get bored with your own show and the email. Yeah, just do it. That’s spectacular.

**D.B.:** Fine, Ned dies. Fine.

**David:** Fine, chop off his head.

**Craig:** Do you guys — wait, that’s why that happened? [laughs]

**David:** I didn’t know until it aired.

**Craig:** “What? That was what that email said?” Now because you are involved in this massive productions, like almost military campaigns put the show on, while you’re writing, you were aware that sooner or later you’re going to have to pay the bill for what you’re writing. I’m not talking financially, I mean just literally, the execution of it. In those moments, do you think of — do you care-take the person down the line or when you were in production mode, do you curse that scene?

**David:** That happened today. We’re in writer’s room, Dave Hill, and Bryan Cogman, and Ethan and Gursimran were sitting at the back. It’s the six of us. Six people? Five?

**D.B.:** 6.

**David:** 6.

**Craig:** Write him a long email.

**David:** Six. Yes.

**D.B.:** Math.

**David:** And we changed one scene from an interior, like a little interior four-hander, to this massive kind of parade through the streets of King’s Landing which basically made like a little five-hour scene into a three-day extravaganza in Dubrovnik, and we said —

**D.B.:** We just realized like if Bernie Caulfield, who’s our like producer, capo di tutt’i capi, like the producer who actually makes things happen, if she were in this room now she would be swearing because she just had a scene in the throne room that turned into like, David said, it’s like a thousand extras and a whole day thing. But one of the greatest things about being in a writers’ room is you’re just insulated from those considerations, and you put the dream version of it out there. And we always end up scaling things back, we always end up, you know, Bernie and a bunch of our other producers end up — she has the chopping block email, so in the course of the preproduction process, she’ll send out every week or sometimes twice a week there will be just the chopping block and it’ll be her suggestions and some of the other producers’ suggestions about what could change to make some of the stuff we really love more manageable, what could go, what scenes are necessary, what scenes aren’t necessary. And no one’s afraid of putting anything on the chopping block and it all comes down and we — it’s not dictates, we discuss it.

But at the end of the day, like you’re in there, in the room, and you’re creating the version of the show, or the vision of the show that is in your head that you would love to make if you had unlimited time, unlimited money, and you don’t. So you end up paring that down, but it’s always better to start with that because then at least you know what you’re shooting for.

**John:** Can you talk to us about the outline and sort of going into the season, do have it broken down by this is the arc that’s going to happen over the whole season, or are you figuring out each episode, this is the beginning and end of this episode, this is how this plot line would move in this episode, before you start working on the individual script?

**David:** Right, so the episodes for season seven that are up on the board, and we’ve got the index cards that Gursimran’s writing up and pinning to the board, and misspelling everything and then we give her shit about misspelling everything, and —

**D.B.:** Mercenary. Come on.

**John:** And David, at this stage —

**David:** Reneg, R-E-N-E-G.

**Craig:** Yes, you don’t want to misspell that one. That’s —

**David:** Come on, Berkeley — so we got that, and we’re going to finish putting everything on the board, and then —

**John:** And this cards for each episode, so this is basically all —

**David:** Cards for each scene in each episode. And then we’ll finish that, we’re almost done with that, and then we’ll start writing an actual outline. Last year, Dave, what was it, like 130 pages, 140 pages? 160-page outline for 10 episodes, really detailed outline and then we start writing episodes, and we have to finish all of our scripts before we start shooting because the entire season is cross-boarded, meaning, it’s all shot like a movie. We might shoot scenes from the final episode in the first week. And there’s so much prep involved that everything has to be written. I mean, we keep rewriting over the course of the season, but it all has to be written so that people know how to get it ready. And obviously, it’s a lot of work, but it also, I think it helps focus us because deadlines are really useful for us, it helps make us work —

**John:** It also means that you get to do one thing at a time largely, so you are writing a show, you’re shooting a show or you’re editing a show —

**D.B.:** No, because we’re outlining for season seven and we’re also editing season six, and tomorrow, we’re going in to do sound. Sound tomorrow?

**David:** Yes.

**D.B.:** Ethan, sound? Okay.

**John:** Right, so there still is that —

**D.B.:** It separates it more than you would normally have it separated. It’s at least the bulk of the writing has been done, so you’re rewriting while you’re shooting, and the bulk of the editing gets done after that —

**David:** People are leaving in droves, by the way. We need a new question.

**D.B.:** Well, that guy is going to the bathroom. So, is that Gatins?

**Craig:** All right, well here, I’ll keep them from leaving. Is Jon Snow alive or what?

**David:** Jon Snow is dead.

**Craig:** Okay. Next, I have a question for you. Wait, I have one last question for you. I’m going to say some presidential candidates, you’re going to tell me what character is best matched to them on Game of Thrones. Ted Cruz.

**David:** Joffrey.

**Craig:** What?

**D.B.:** Joffrey.

**Craig:** Not Ramsey? Because I lived with him.

**D.B.:** Oh, you know then.

**David:** Ramsey is actually kind of a badass. Like Ramsey fights —

**Craig:** You’re right, you’re right. He actually does, he accomplishes things. Correct. By the way, alive or dead characters, doesn’t matter, obviously. Chris Christie?

**David:** You almost got in trouble there. Go.

**D.B.:** I don’t know enough.

**Craig:** Terrible answer.

**D.B.:** Chris Christine?

**David:** Walder Frey.

**D.B.:** No, he’s better than that Walder Frey.

**Craig:** Yeah. That’s wrong, Robert Baratheon was the answer.

**David:** Yeah, yeah.

**John:** Yeah, that would be good, yeah.

**D.B.:** You have the answers, just give the answers.

**Craig:** Okay, two more, two more. Hillary Clinton.

**David:** Careful.

**D.B.:** You want us to say Cersie.

**Craig:** No, that’s not the right answer. There is an answer to this.

**David:** Olenna?

**Craig:** No.

**D.B.:** Well, what’s the answer?

**Craig:** The answer is Stannis because it’s like, “I’m supposed to be king.”

**John:** Wait…well, yeah, you’re good.

**Craig:** Why is there even a debate?

**John:** You could make the same argument for Jeb Bush, honestly, as Stannis.

**Craig:** Yes, but Jeb is more well, okay, one last one.

**John:** All right.

**Craig:** Ben Carson.

**D.B.:** I don’t, Mord the jailer? I don’t know.

**Craig:** Hodor.

**D.B.:** We both — we had the same answer.

**Craig:** The answer was Hodor.

**D.B.:** We had the same answer.

**John:** I like that special feature where Craig tells you who your characters are.

**Craig:** Yes, learn your show, guys.

**John:** On our podcast, on a weekly basis, we give a One Cool Thing. Craig usually forgets, but he remembered this time.

**Craig:** Yeah, I totally did.

**John:** So, Craig, do you want to tell us your One Cool Thing?

**Craig:** Yes. It’s going to sound freaking crazy, but I read about this in Wired, and it’s true. Microsoft Outlook, hold on, worst desktop email client ever. They have a client, they have an app for iPhone now, it’s outstanding, it’s really good, it’s better than any of the other ones I’ve ever used. So I’m actually using Microsoft Outlook on my iPhone and it’s free and it really works good, I mean, I know, it sounds crazy. But, you know —

**D.B.:** I feel like however many people left during my editing spiel, fives times as many just left after.

**Craig:** I got to point out, they’re riveted.

**John:** My One Cool Thing is a series of YouTube videos you can find which provides 12-hour or 24-hour loops of ambient noise including ambient noise from like the Star Trek —

**Craig:** See? See?

**John:** Star Trek Enterprise. And so you know you’re writing, so this guy who wrote in and who couldn’t write, he needs some background distraction noise, so they have the ambient noise from like all your favorite sci-fi movies.

**Craig:** You should be one of those noises by the way.

**John:** Yeah, yeah. So maybe rather than bleeping out this profanity, we’ll put in some ambient background behind all the stuff.

**Craig:** Yeah, ambient background.

**John:** And it was really good if you’re just like you’re at a coffee shop and you don’t want to hear the people talking next to you, you put on the headphones and listen to some ambient noise.

**Jason:** When is the last time either one of you guys got laid?

**John:** I got laid this week. It was amazing.

**Craig:** When did I last get laid? It was like last week. It was like last week!

**David:** Like last week.

**Craig:** Yeah. Last week-ish.

**Jason:** With some ambient noise and preceded by the five tones.

**John:** Yeah.

**Jason:** I get it. This is an incredible group.

**John:** All right.

**Craig:** We can’t all be good looking…

**John:** For writers, we’re pretty good. Our show, as always, is produced by Stuart Friedel, who’s here. Our show is edited by Matthew Chilelli who also did the outro. Thank you, Matthew. We really need to thank Hollywood Heart for having us here tonight. Thank you guys so, so much.

Guys, thank you all very, very, very much.

**Craig:** Thank you, guys.

**John:** It’s been a tremendous amount of fun. Thank you so much.

**Craig:** Thank you, guys.

Links:

* [Hollywood HEART](http://hollywoodheart.org/)
* [The Lazarus Experience](http://www.thelazarusexperience.com/), our venue
* John Gatins on [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0309691/) and [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gatins)
* Jason Bateman on [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000867/), [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jason_Bateman) and a [Golden Grahams commercial](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKFtIUMoep0)
* David Benioff on [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1125275/) and [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Benioff), and D.B. Weiss on [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1888967/) and [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D._B._Weiss)
* [Outlook](https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/microsoft-outlook-email-calendar/id951937596?mt=8) for iOS, and The Office Blog on [Outlook’s new look](https://blogs.office.com/2015/10/28/outlook-for-ios-and-android-gains-momentum-gets-new-look/)
* crysknife007’s [Ambient Scifi Sleep Sounds Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsO8fxO6PnRfGUc0Td1lFXVnnq_Jn455U) on YouTube
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Matthew Chilelli ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))

Scriptnotes, Ep 229: Random Advice 2015 — Transcript

December 24, 2015 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](http://johnaugust.com/2015/random-advice-2015).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** And this is Episode 229 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters, except not today because today is very special. Today is not like all other days.

**Craig:** No. Today we’re going to be doing this interesting thing. I think we’ve only done it once before where we answer questions not about screenwriting, per se, but about life, because you and I are wise.

**John:** Mm-hmm. And we are alive and we have experience with life.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** I’ve gone through 45 years of life and I feel like I have some things to share. But I don’t know enough about certain topics. Like people wrote in with some really sophisticated questions that were beyond my level of expertise. And so we thought we needed a medical professional to help us out on —

**Craig:** A real doctor.

**John:** A real doctor. And so we searched far and wide for who is the biggest doctor we know.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And the biggest, brightest, kindest doctor we know is Doc McStuffins, which is why we’re so excited to welcome to the program, Chris Nee, creator and executive producer of Doc McStuffins.

**Chris Nee:** I think we’re all hoping that everyone is taking their medical advice from Doc McStuffins these days.

**Craig:** Yeah, exactly. Doc McStuffins, I don’t believe, has ever been sued.

**Chris:** Not yet. No.

**Craig:** Or maybe a settlement?

**Chris:** Well, I mean if there’s a settlement, we don’t have to disclose it.

**Craig:** Got it. Got it.

**Chris:** She has a good lawyer, for god’s sakes. [laughs]

**Craig:** Doc McStuffins is constantly being dragged into court, like, oh, it was great on the show but then afterwards, my —

**John:** My teddy bear exploded.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** My stuffed limb fell off.

**Chris:** I mean, we would have a disclaimer on the show but kids can’t read it, so what’s the point in having it?

**Craig:** You should do that, by the way, like a crazy long scroll at the end of every show just like in the pharmaceutical ads. [laughs]

**Chris:** The pharmaceutical ad version of our show is perfect.

**Craig:** It would be awesome.

**Chris:** Done.

**John:** So in case you don’t have children, you may not be aware of what Doc McStuffins is. It is a phenomenon. It is one of the most popular television programs for the younger kids in the world. It is a Peabody winner. It is an NAACP Image Award winner for Best Children’s Program. It sold $500 million worth of merchandise in 2013.

**Craig:** Was that a million? 500 million?

**John:** $500 million worth of merchandise.

**Craig:** And obviously, Chris, you get —

**Chris:** And that’s what they’ve admitted. [laughs]

**Craig:** You get about what? 90% of that?

**Chris:** Oh, definitely, like a straight 90%.

**Craig:** You get a straight 90 of —

**Chris:** It doesn’t even go to Disney. It just goes straight into my bank account.

**Craig:** 90% of 9% of 0.01% of fourteenth one millionth of a percent.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Chris:** Yeah. And I mean, I think the clear thing in this episode is we’re not talking about writing, but if you want to make money in this business, animation.

**Craig:** Right. Animation for Disney in particular. [laughs]

**Chris:** Definitely. [laughs] Animation writer. I mean, right there, you are solid.

**John:** Solid.

**Chris:** Solid.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Perhaps people without the visual will not know that she’s being —

**Chris:** That I’m smirking right now? [laughs]

**John:** Totally sarcastic. So I do, at some point, want to have you on the show to talk about animation and children’s television and writing outside of a WGA contract, which is what your show would have to be written under. But today, it’s all about other things. And so I think we should just start off with a question.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Because I always screw up when we try to read questions aloud, Craig, would you read this first question from Alex?

**Craig:** I will, yeah, because it’s lengthy.

**Chris:** I was going to say, it seems like an entire hour’s worth of question right there. But go.

**Craig:** Well, watch how expeditiously I mow through this. Alex writes, “I’m 29 years old. My partner and I are in a long distance relationship. He is in Central Florida, I am in Miami, about four hours for non-Floridians. We’ve been together nearly two years, and for the most part, our relationship is good. We love each other and make lots of sacrifices to make our scheduling work out and still live a seemingly normal life. Our friends constantly forget we are long distance because we make the impossible seem so possible.”

So far, I have to say, I don’t see the question. Everything is working out great.

**John:** Alex, congratulations.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Chris:** I also don’t see love or — sorry, I’m jumping ahead.

**Craig:** We’ll get there. We’ll get there.

**John:** All right.

**Craig:** Alex continues. “I currently work full time at an ad agency in Miami but I also attend a local university as I work toward my bachelor’s degree, first generation college student in my family. I won’t be taking classes this spring as I will be applying to out of state schools to start in the fall.” Ah-ha, and so the worm turns, out of state schools.

“My partner is in news and he just got a job in the Northeast Boston, so our long distance will become much longer distance. He wants me obviously to move there with him at some point this upcoming year. But as I’m studying film and want to write for television, I don’t feel like this is where I want or need to go. I advise that I will apply and if it makes sense, I will make the move but only if it makes sense for me career-wise. He understands that.”

Oh, okay. I don’t see the question. There was a hint of a question but then he undid the hint. Well, let’s see what happens.

“My questions are,” ah-ha, “One, I’m 29 already,” hmm, he’s getting his bachelor’s degree at 29, all right.

**John:** First generation college student.

**Craig:** Fair enough.

**John:** He took care of some things.

**Craig:** Yeah. He took care of some business before that. “I’m 29 already and still not anywhere near Hollywood or building that crucial foundation of experience from those early mid-20s that I hear so much about on your show. I wasted — ” there we go, “I wasted many years doing a lot of nothing.”

So your theory that he was busy working, apparently he’s wasted a lot of years doing nothing. [laughs]

**Chris:** I also want to say, the clear sign of a 29-year-old is thinking that 29 is old.

**Craig:** I know.

**Chris:** That is so 29. [laughs]

**Craig:** God, I wish I were that old. “So I wasted many years doing a lot of nothing and the past few years have been great regarding my school work and overall financial work stability, and most of all, my drive to succeed. What advice could you give me regarding this situation?” That’s question number one.

And question number two, “Sometimes I feel like my partner doesn’t get my goals or doesn’t quite grasp how much I want to create and write for a living. He wants as much time as possible together. But I need plenty of alone time to write and create and study, obviously. But working full time and being in a long distance relationship makes that really hard, especially when the relationship depends on that one-on-one time that we get so little of.”

Well, I think we know everything. We have all details.

**John:** We have all details. So, Chris Nee, where do we begin with Alex and advice for Alex?

**Chris:** That’s a really good question. I mean, I’m just saying there’s so much detail in this letter and I’m not seeing the reason for the relationship. If you’re going to give me that you’re a first generation college student and four hours between Miami and Central Florida, I haven’t heard anything about the partner that makes this feel like the relationship that is worth changing your life to make work. I just noticed the absence of.

**John:** All right.

**Craig:** Divorce McStuffins over here. [laughs]

**John:** So I also noticed that lack of like, well, what is the nature of that relationship? So that’s why I Facebook stalked them and figured out who they were.

**Craig:** Oh. Wait, hold on, hold on. I have a prediction.

**John:** I want you to predict who Alex is and what this —

**Craig:** Well, if he’s famous, I can’t predict that. But I suspect that his partner is a bit older than he is.

**John:** You are incorrect.

**Chris:** Oh.

**Craig:** His partner is what, like 16? [laughs]

**John:** His partner, they seem to be matched in age.

**Craig:** Oh, okay.

**John:** They look very, very cute together.

**Craig:** Okay, all right.

**John:** So Alex has a tremendous number of tattoos and he’s sort of a big, not bearish, but sort of bear-adjacent, sort of like Miami kind of bear.

**Chris:** Interesting. Yeah, sure.

**Craig:** By the way, I got my beard now.

**Chris:** Bear-adjacent. You are a bear-adjacent.

**Craig:** Would I qualify as cub? I don’t think I’m big enough for a bear.

**Chris:** You’re like teddy bear adjacent.

**John:** Yeah, yeah.

**Craig:** I’m teddy bear, yeah.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I’m in between cub and bear. [laughs]

**John:** So I should say Alex does not look like you but his boyfriend sort of — if you were to shave your beard, he looks sort of ballpark of you.

**Craig:** Got it.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** So very handsome. Well, Alex, don’t let that guy go.

**John:** So I think just reading the question, I was sort of like, Chris, I was like, well, is it really worth, you know, trying to bank everything on this relationship? But I also feel like you’re in Miami, you don’t want to be in Miami, you want to be someplace else, Boston’s not a bad place to be. And if you’re going to jump, jump now.

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** If your relationship’s going to work, you’re going to have to live together at some point. Try living together in Boston. If it doesn’t work —

**Chris:** But you know that when you live together is when you don’t have alone time. I mean, someone in a long distance relationship complaining that they don’t have alone time and that’s why they aren’t writing —

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** Seems like there are a lot of reasons why this person is not writing and is expecting someone else to understand their need to write, which is to me such a classic — that person who dreams of being a writer but isn’t actually doing the work. That’s on you.

**Craig:** I’m a little concerned here. Here’s what concerns me. What Alex professes he wants to do is be a writer and work for film or television. I think he mentioned television — no, but studying film, and wants to write for television. Then do it, right?

**Chris:** Yes.

**Craig:** So that’s number one. He says that he wants to now apply towards additional education. I’m not sure why. I don’t think additional education is required. John went to —

**Chris:** You already won with your family.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Chris:** You are the one who graduated from college.

**Craig:** Right, exactly.

**Chris:** Done. Check. So move on.

**Craig:** Move on. Exactly. And screenwriting is one of those wonderful gigs where you actually don’t need formal education. I didn’t have it. John did. I don’t know if you went to film school or —

**Chris:** I was an acting major.

**Craig:** Oh, lord.

**Chris:** [laughs] That’s a whole other story.

**Craig:** Well, that explains so much. But I think that what’s happening here is Alex is creating roadblocks that don’t need to be there. Look, unless he’s planning on moving to LA tomorrow, which doesn’t sound like he is, why not go to Boston? Why not hang out in Boston? It is an awesome city.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** Yup.

**Craig:** And start writing. I feel almost like he’s asking for permission to break up with his partner.

**John:** Yeah. We have one of those questions later on and —

**Craig:** Where someone literally asks for permission.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** I think they actually want you, Craig, to be the one to do the breakup.

**Craig:** Well, we’ll get there.

**Chris:** Can you get on the phone and do that live?

**Craig:** Well, that’s I think the one straight relationship that we’re asked about in our questions, so I’ll give him my straight expertise on that one. [laughs] But I feel like Alex, he says he’s 29. The question feels a little young to me.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It feels a little young for 29 and I think that he needs to ask himself — look, he says, “We love each other. For the most part, our relationship is good. We love each other.” And they’ve already put in all this work. My feeling is, Alex, give it a shot to have a regular relationship where you’re actually living with this person —

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** And spending time with them. And I got to tell you, this whole issue of your spouse or significant other not understanding your need to write and all the rest of it, that doesn’t go away. You’re going to have to find the person that kind of gets that. And maybe, Alex, your partner will get it once you write something.

**Chris:** I was actually going to say the exact same thing. I feel like often that question of people not understanding your being a writer, means that you aren’t really writing and you aren’t getting out there and putting — it’s the dream. It’s the thing you talk about. I wish, I think, I might, wouldn’t it be great if. And they don’t believe in it because you kind of don’t believe in it in some inherent way, I think.

**John:** I think staying in Miami is a bad choice. I’m glad that you’re not staying in Miami. Whether you apply to schools and get into a great program or you move up to Boston, I think they’re both better choices than staying put. I think you do owe it to yourself and to this relationship, if you like this guy, move up there and see how it works. And no harm, no foul. If it doesn’t work out, great.

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** And you’re in Boston. If this guy was moving to Topeka, and it’s like he wants me to follow him to Topeka, it’s like, well, that’s Topeka, that’s a red flag. [laughs]

**Craig:** That’s their city motto, by the way.

**Chris:** Yeah. [laughs]

**Craig:** Welcome to Topeka. We’re a red flag. [laughs]

**John:** But Boston is great. And so, try Boston. If Boston is not for you, if that relationship is not for you, you haven’t lost much.

**Chris:** And either way, it’s about moving forward. I think with both questions, you’re exactly right, there’s a roadblock and that he’s putting up and he needs to take action.

**Craig:** Also, Alex is attempting to continue his education. What a shame that his partner wants to move to Boston which is bereft of school. [laughs] I mean, it’s like the biggest college town in the world practically. I don’t know, Alex. You’ve never experienced what it means to be in a full relationship with this guy —

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** Because of the long distance issue. So I would recommend giving it a shot. You may be pleasantly surprised. And if it doesn’t work, well, pull the plug.

**John:** You have three votes for try.

**Chris:** Yup.

**John:** Annie Hayes who was our assistant in Austin —

**Craig:** Oh, Annie.

**John:** Austin Annie.

**Craig:** Austin Annie is great.

**John:** She wrote in to ask, “What tips do you have for dealing with the obnoxious black sheep member of the family who likes to stir up trouble at holiday gatherings?”

**Chris:** [laughs]

**Craig:** All right —

**Chris:** Well, the question is, are you the one? And, Craig, I’m looking at you. [laughs]

**Craig:** Well, that’s the whole thing. Like look around the table —

**Chris:** What’s your family say?

**Craig:** If you don’t know who the sucker is. It’s you.

**Chris:** Well, I mean I always think like, isn’t this the reason why all of us moved 3,000 miles away from home? I feel like so many writers —

**Craig:** Check.

**Chris:** Are far away. It’s that classic, we’re the ones who move to New York and LA and, yes, some of us, our family’s from there. But most of us are the people who don’t live at home and go home. [laughs] Take it in. Know you’re getting on your plane. And then write a scene about it.

**Craig:** But Annie, she lives in Austin? Because I know she was Austin Annie.

**John:** No, no, she lives in East Coast. I think she lives in New York.

**Craig:** Okay. So she —

**Chris:** What if the advice to every question is move? [laughs]

**Craig:** Move. I know. Just keep moving. The worst —

**John:** Never stop.

**Craig:** Why do people keep asking us these questions? We’re so broken as individuals. [laughs] Well, let’s say that Annie lives in New York year round and her family is there in New York and everybody gets along great, but it’s just that cousin Brenda shows up from out of town, so she’s the us, so Brenda’s the us.

**Chris:** Right. [laughs]

**Craig:** So she shows up out of town and is a jerk. Everyone has somebody in the family that we can all agree to roll our eyes over. And I think sometimes if you just put them in that box in your mind, then they can’t really upset you anymore. It’s sort of like, yes, you’re absolutely playing the character that you were meant to play.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** And there you go. And it’s happening, just like it always does. And I can’t get upset because it’s like you’re a wind-up automaton that must do this.

**Chris:** Yeah. First of all, alcohol. Second of all, find your person at the table that you can talk to them about —

**Craig:** Classic Irish advice.

**Chris:** Sure, exactly. [laughs] Whiskey. Whiskey and moving are my two — emigrate and drink are the two things — [laughs]

**Craig:** Sometimes people see the name Chris Nee, N-E-E, and they’re like is she Korean? No, she’s Irish.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** She’s leprechaun Irish.

**Chris:** Although, I was famously hired on a show for Disney because they needed an Asian male voice.

**Craig:** Chris Nee.

**Chris:** And we didn’t say anything because, frankly, why would you? Take the job. I worked for two seasons on that show.

**Craig:** And they kept waiting for you to provide that perspective. [laughs]

**Chris:** No, there was just a beautiful moment where like at some point they realized they couldn’t say anything —

**Craig:** Right. Oh, that’s amazing. [laughs]

**Chris:** In the actual room. The showrunners were friends of mine and they kind were like, “Do we say something?”

**Craig:** You didn’t look — no, I thought you would be a little taller or —

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Black hair. [laughs]

**Chris:** Or with a penis.

**John:** Or a man.

**Craig:** Or a penis.

**Chris:** [laughs]

**Craig:** Or Asian.

**Chris:** Or Asian.

**Craig:** But not —

**Chris:** No. But famously did say it in a final speech, as the head of this part of Disney was leaving, said, “Chris Nee who is neither Asian, nor male,” into a microphone, and everyone just kind of — and I was like, “That is going to be my tagline for the rest of my life.”

**Craig:** Neither Asian —

**Chris:** Chris nee, neither Asian, nor male.

**Craig:** Nor male. But as a fine, proud Irish woman, your recommendation, number one, drinking. [laughs]

**Chris:** Drink. Yes.

**Craig:** Great.

**Chris:** Number two, find someone else to make fun. And number three, realize that that person is always the most unhappy person in the room.

**Craig:** It is true. It is true.

**Chris:** Just be happier than they are.

**John:** The good thing about holiday gatherings is they are, by definition, short. They’re like a once or twice a year thing. And you’ll just get through them. Craig, you probably know what the term for this test where like you stick your hand in ice water and basically how long you can stand being —

**Craig:** The cold pressor test.

**John:** Yeah. And so essentially, like it’s how long you can stand to have your hand in that ice water. And it’s like, at a certain point, you pull out your hand and you’ll be done — but you know your hand is not actually being hurt.

**Craig:** No. It’s like for the nerds out there, if you’ve read Dune, there’s the test they do where the Bene Gesserit — Chris, of course, you’re familiar with this. Bene Gesserit —

**Chris:** I’m all over it.

**Craig:** Yes. They are searching for the Kwisatz Haderach and part of the test is that he has to put his hand in this box where he experiences terrible pain. And what he repeats to himself over and over, “Fear is the mind killer.” And I think when you are stuck in these torture situations, you just remind yourself that fear is the mind killer, it will be over.

**Chris:** I like that we just took this slightly obnoxious aunt and turned her into the fear box. [laughs]

**Craig:** Yeah. The pain box. That’s right.

**John:** A few other practical suggestions. Have some handy topics to switch to if the aunt goes on her crazy tirade. There’s always some neutral things you can talk about that no one ever —

**Craig:** No question. And you’re probably really good at that. I’m not good at that because I’m everything in me, all of my DNA says do the opposite of that. But what I have always made it my business to find one person that I can make secret looks with —

**Chris:** Yes. That’s my person in the room.

**Craig:** That’s your person in the room.

**Chris:** You and I would totally be the person in the room.

**Craig:** We would be the person —

**Chris:** Except we’d be so obvious. [laughs]

**Craig:** Boo-hoo.

**Chris:** Because I’d be drunk.

**Craig:** You know what? The black sheep is being really obvious, too. So I don’t care. I need to be able to look at my friend and just go, “Hmm.”

**Chris:** I just want to clarify that the black sheep and the obnoxious person are often two different people.

**John:** That’s true.

**Chris:** I say that as a black sheeper.

**Craig:** Right. Well, Annie defined it as the obnoxious black sheep in the family.

**Chris:** Oh, I understand. Yeah, she did.

**Craig:** The way I look at it because of me is I’m fine, all of my family are all black sheep.

**Chris:** You look at it like a straight white man.

**Craig:** Exactly. My privilege is that I’m fine and everybody else is broken.

**John:** So on Facebook when someone’s being obnoxious you can click the ignore button and they disappear from your feed. And I was at a holiday gathering with my husband, Mike, and I saw him sort of click the ignore button in real life, right. [laughs] It’s like he mentally like hit that big button and just like that person just no longer existed in his world. And it was just sort of amazing.

**Craig:** Amazing.

**John:** It was amazing.

**Craig:** Well, it’s like —

**Chris:** Eventually, we’ll be able to do that in —

**Craig:** Yeah. Like if they have mute on Twitter, there’ll be an implant and I can just mute you.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** And you won’t know.

**John:** Yeah. [laughs]

**Craig:** And my implant will allow me to respond pleasantly to you.

**Chris:** And then they’re going to say, “God, you’re such a good listener.”

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** That’s fantastic.

**Craig:** And I won’t even hear that.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**John:** The last trick, I think Chris had mentioned this at the start is, you know, when people are terrible, they’re generating material for you.

**Chris:** Yes.

**John:** So just let that little red light in the left-hand corner light up and like just record what they’re saying and use them as a character. And then it becomes useful that they were a terrible person.

**Chris:** And never piss off a writer.

**John:** No.

**Craig:** It’s a bad idea. You will see yourself one day — although, that’s the problem. The idiots never realize it’s them.

**Chris:** No, they don’t. [laughs]

**Craig:** They’re just like, “Oh, my god. I saw your movie. That person was the worst.”

**John:** Worst. Craig, our next question.

**Craig:** All right. Peter writes in, oh boy, “Our boss has spent all of our allocated Christmas party budget on ‘something else.’ Subsequently, we are the only department to have to pay for their own Christmas party this year and while I am aware of the first world problem nature of this, I am not going to take umbrage with having to spend a few of my own dollars on food and booze. But what I will take umbrage with is budget mismanagement. This isn’t a case of illegality, simply being bad at your job. Is it worth pursuing and making a fuss about?”

**John:** Chris Nee?

**Chris:** I think this is going to work out really well. [laughs]

**Craig:** I have written up the following complaint —

**John:** And I’m going to read it at the Christmas party.

**Craig:** Yes.

**Chris:** And I’m delivering it to you, my boss.

**Craig:** Yes.

**Chris:** It’s about you but —

**Craig:** The following memo policy I have —

**Chris:** That’s how it is. [laughs]

**Craig:** In triplicate, I have lodged a description of your mismanagement.

**Chris:** And you’re Jewish but I’m worried about the Christmas party. Like it just, it seems wrong all around.

**Craig:** So, wait, why was the cheap boss Jewish?

**Chris:** [laughs]

**Craig:** So much for my privilege. Shot to hell.

**Chris:** Yeah, you just became one of us.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** One of you.

**John:** Yeah. You have white privilege whenever it’s handy, but then the rest —

**Craig:** I have white privilege until people find out I’m Jewish. And then it’s like, “Nah, pick up that penny.”

**Chris:** No, but I did wonder where the Christmas party was happening, that it wasn’t a holiday party. I’m just asking the question.

**John:** Well, the Christmas party clearly was happening at Dunder Mifflin because this is very much an Office plot.

**Craig:** Yeah. It feels Dunder Mifflin-y. I mean, it does suck. I mean, look, it’s unfair I think that there was once a time in this great land where, you know, second half of December, your work place treated you like a human being.

**Chris:** Yes.

**Craig:** You had a party. People felt like, “Oh, you know what? You’re not just a cog in this machine. You’re not a human resource. I know your name. Let’s have a drink. Let’s actually know each other as people, something good might come out of this. We might even be better at our jobs.” And then it just became, you know, corporate and lame.

And this is really bad because he’s in a department. I’m already —

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I hate a job where I’m in a department. And now, everyone else’s department is like, “Tralalalala,” and I’m like stopping on every floor, looking at all their mirth. And then I get to my floor and it’s Scrooge and Marley.

**Chris:** Peter doesn’t get to make bad mistakes at the Christmas party.

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** And that’s wrong.

**Craig:** It’s wrong.

**Chris:** One should be able to do inappropriate things at your Christmas party so that people can talk about it all year long.

**John:** I have a hard time believing that this Christmas party fiasco was the worst case of mismanagement from his boss.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** No.

**John:** If this boss misallocated this money, this boss is making other mistakes and karma will catch up with this boss.

**Craig:** Or the boss was like, “Well, one of our employees, their child is incredibly sick. The health fund doesn’t cover all of it. I’m going to take the Christmas fund so that little Billy doesn’t go blind.” And Peter is like —

**Chris:** And that’s going to be really awkward.

**Craig:** Yeah. Peter’s like, “I kind of don’t care.”

**John:** I don’t care.

**Craig:** There’s nothing to see in the world for Billy. Where my champagne?

**Chris:** Here’s the thing. This is a ridiculous complaint. [laughs] That said —

**Craig:** Welcome to the Chris Nee Show, Peter.

**Chris:** Yeah. But that said, I do believe in this idea of humanizing the people you work with, parties are important, gatherings are important, meals are important. I work with a company that’s in Ireland. And in animation, we do a lot of overseas work. And a lot of those shows, you never meet them. And one of the things I love about the company that I work with is that we very regularly, things start to get a little — there’s a little friction between us and I will get a call and they’ll say, “You know what? It’s time for you to come to Dublin.”

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** And it is about the face-to-face. And it’s as much about being in the room as it is about being in a pub — this is all about drinking — is the point.

**Craig:** You said Ireland.

**Chris:** But it is. It’s being in a pub and getting to know people as human beings. And we’re making art and it’s hard and it’s a war. And you got to know the people that you’re with.

**Craig:** I agree.

**Chris:** That’s a department. It’s a different thing.

**Craig:** No. And look, Peter —

**Chris:** For god’s sakes, quit your job. [laughs]

**Craig:** Yeah. Ultimately, Peter, you —

**Chris:** Move.

**Craig:** Certainly pursuing a different job will get you a Christmas party quicker than the memo.

**John:** So I don’t know if you guys are listening to Serial season 2. So Bowe Bergdahl —

**Craig:** Of course not. [laughs]

**John:** Bowe Bergdahl, the —

**Craig:** The traitor.

**John:** Yes. The person at the center of this thing, he leaves his apartment —

**Chris:** I’m glad you haven’t passed judgment.

**John:** No.

**Craig:** He’s a traitor.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Flat out.

**John:** He leaves his unit because he wants to create a DUSTWUN situation which is basically like create a big enough stink that like he can really report his management, people will have to pay attention to things.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** I think Peter is in a DUSTWUN situation and he really wants this Christmas party to be his DUSTWUN where like essentially everyone’s going to see like this is a huge ball of chaos. [laughs]

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And it’s just not.

**Craig:** No. No one’s going to follow him.

**Chris:** Everyone’s like, “Thank God we don’t have a Christmas party this year.”

**John:** Yeah. Don’t start walking —

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Or also like, thank God that they were going to fire somebody and it’s Peter now because he DUSTWUN’d and he’s out there alone and the Taliban just picked him up. [laughs]

**John:** Yeah. So it’s going to be a couple of years of sadness for him. But maybe they’ll make a podcast about him.

**Chris:** I was about to say maybe somebody will eventually make a frustrating and unending podcast.

**Craig:** Thank you for describing it that way because — ugh, I got all sorts of issues. [laughs] Never mind.

**John:** Chris Nee, how about a simple question?

**Chris:** Craig hates eggnog. Good, it’s about drinking. So I think I can do fine. “Craig hates eggnog but has he tried coquito? Puerto Rican version of eggnog will change his mind.”

**Craig:** All right.

**John:** That’s Stephen from Brooklyn Heights writing in.

**Chris:** It is.

**John:** Have you tried coquito?

**Craig:** No. I have not tried coquito. And I love this. “Puerto Rican version of eggnog will change his mind.” No, no, it won’t because it’s a version of eggnog. Unless the Puerto Ricans have managed to make a version of eggnog that does not contain any of the ingredients —

**Chris:** That’s like whiskey.

**Craig:** Of eggnog, yeah, then sure. But then it’s not a version of eggnog. This is always like, I can remember when I met my wife and I hate mayonnaise. I hate it. And she’s like, well —

**Chris:** Is it wrong to say that’s a Jewish thing?

**Craig:** Not at all, because it is.

**Chris:** It is. What is that?

**Craig:** It’s because we’re God’s chosen people and he spared us the misery of that nonsense.

**Chris:** But mayonnaise in a sandwich —

**Craig:** Ugh.

**Chris:** It’s the best thing that ever happened.

**Craig:** It’s not even a food.

**Chris:** No.

**Craig:** I don’t even know how it was invented in the first place. Terrible accident. Regardless, she said, “Well, maybe you would like Miracle Whip.” [laughs] “It’s a better version of mayonnaise.” And I was like, “You stop right there. You stop right there or this is over.”

**John:** So I think we need to be fair in like actually discuss a recipe for Coquito because maybe it’s actually a different thing.

**Craig:** All right. Run it by me.

**John:** It requires two egg yolks beaten.

**Craig:** I’m out.

**Chris:** Done. I mean I’m just going to say it is eggnog.

**Craig:** Yeah, no. I’m drinking egg yolks. Next.

**John:** One can of evaporated milk.

**Craig:** It’s okay, no.

**John:** One can cream of coconut, so there’s a coconut aspect.

**Craig:** Okay, fine. So it’s a coconut eggnog.

**John:** One can sweetened condensed milk.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Oh my god, it’s all — basically all of those kind of things together.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Half cup of white rum. Some water, some ground cloves, cinnamon, vanilla.

**Craig:** Yeah. There you go, there’s the spices that make it like basically, it’s a —

**Chris:** It’s drinking potpourri?

**Craig:** It’s drinking like a cup of spiced fat with — I don’t like any alcoholic drink that has fat in it. Like I don’t do the white Russians. I don’t do the — I like an old-fashioned.

**Chris:** I like an old-fashioned, too.

**Craig:** I bet you do.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** You Irish —

**Chris:** And anything else.

**Craig:** Yeah. We’re just basically going to be the — we’re like Don Rickles-ing each other.

**Chris:** [laughs]

**Craig:** It’s like Jew and Irish jokes the whole time.

**John:** So we’re recording this at 1:30 in the afternoon. So we’re not drinking, but it sort of feels like we’re drinking because we keep referencing alcohol.

**Chris:** You know, you guys just need to put a little like Walla in the background that has the tinkling of a glass.

**Craig:** Well, and Chris always drinks in the car on the way anywhere.

**Chris:** Absolutely.

**Craig:** So it’s fine.

**Chris:** I work in preschool television. What else am I going to do?

**Craig:** What else are you going to do?

**John:** Pam Stucky asks, which is worse, moving in the wrong direction or not moving at all?

**Craig:** Very Zen question.

**Chris:** Not moving at all.

**Craig:** I would say not moving at all is worse.

**Chris:** Inertia. Yeah, you need to have movement.

**Craig:** If you move in the wrong direction, there is a possibility that you will learn from mistakes.

**Chris:** Exactly.

**John:** Exactly.

**Craig:** And you won’t go down that path twice.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** So you’ve gained information.

**Chris:** And you know what it is to move.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And you also know that you can survive moving in the wrong direction.

**Chris:** Yeah, yeah, yeah.

**John:** Absolutely. So I think that paralysis that comes with fear and indecision is worse than going the wrong way. Now, there’s a concept in D&D — Craig and I play D&D — of deferred action which is basically —

**Craig:** Getting hot yet?

**Chris:** Oh, this is exciting. [laughs]

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Which is basically choosing not to move but it’s actually a conscious choice, where like I’m choosing not to move and keep an eye on the situation. And I will move in these circumstances. And that I think is a valid thing. Basically or at least you’re really taking stock of a situation. And, you know, you’re setting triggers for like when you’re going to do things. But otherwise, it’s just apathy and you’re —

**Chris:** I was going to say, active choice is a thing.

**Craig:** Holding your fire is a good strategy. Not doing stuff because you’re not sure how it will turn out, bad strategy.

**John:** Yeah. And that was our advice to Alex, I think.

**Chris:** Yeah. I was about to say, it all comes around.

**Craig:** That’s right. It’s exactly right. Oh, great, greatest name ever. Breton Zinger. Zing. Breton Zinger says, “What do you think of the tiny house movement?”

**John:** I’m a huge fan of the tiny house movement.

**Craig:** Of course, you are.

**John:** Of course I am. The tiny house movement is of course, that idea of building really tiny little houses, sometimes portable houses that are just big enough for your needs and nothing more than that. And I think the reason why I’m a fan of the tiny house movement is I actually grew up in a motor home. Every summer, we would spend, you know, months in a motor home. So I spent a tremendous amount of time in a very small space with my family. And it was actually kind of great. And you also recognize the things you don’t need, which is basically most stuff. And only having enough food just to fill that little refrigerator. It’s great.

**Craig:** Well, you need basically a socket to plug yourself into.

**John:** Exactly.

**Craig:** Your nutrient paste.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And that’s pretty much it, I would think.

**John:** Yeah. Basically, it’s it. Every once in a while, I need, you know, a little conditioner.

**Craig:** Oil?

**John:** Yeah, yeah.

**Craig:** You need some coolant.

**Chris:** I mean, I think that in theory, but in reality, I think I would not be able to figure out what the stuff to keep and what the stuff not to keep was. I would have a hard time putting my life into a fairly small house. That said, I lived in Manhattan until I was 30, so —

**Craig:** Like everyone in Manhattan lives in a tiny house —

**Chris:** Yeah, you are — totally. Yeah. I mean, like we act as if it’s a movement, but that’s how everyone lives in Manhattan.

**Craig:** Yeah, no. I mean I remember when I first came out to LA, I had, you know, my — I shared a tiny, tiny apartment with a friend of mine and I had my tiny, tiny room. And everything was — it was a very tiny house. But, you know, I have children. There’s no tiny house.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** My god. [laughs]

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** There’s no amount of space — they are like a gas. They can fill any space. If my house were 1,000 acres, there would be crap all over the floor in every room.

**Chris:** Yeah. And they’d be in whatever room you were in.

**Craig:** Yeah, totally. And that’s the other thing. It’s like, oh my god, why are you — why did you have to come here to fart? That’s what it means to be a parent. Like you walked across my property to fart next to me. I’m not a huge house guy and I’m not a tiny, tiny house guy. I think there’s a basic decent size for things.

**John:** The Goldilocks principle.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Chris:** I’m a Venice liver, so it’s like we’re 2,000 square feet and near the ocean.

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** So our backyard is the ocean. Fantastic.

**Craig:** That’s pretty good.

**Chris:** Well done.

**Craig:** Yes.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**John:** So I would say, I’m a fan of the tiny house movement, but I feel like it’s unrealistic for certain people. And certain people will approach it with like this zeal and this passion that borders on obsession and like when it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out.

**Craig:** If you’re building a home out of some sort of idealistic principle, I don’t know, did I send — or I think I tweeted this great essay somebody wrote where they were just complaining about Thoreau and how Thoreau is just a dick. And I’m totally in agreement. Thoreau is the worst. That whole nonsense is the worst, going, I went into the woods. Good. Stay there because you hate everything. You hate pleasure. You hate people. You hate progress.

**Chris:** If you went into the woods because you love the woods, fine.

**Craig:** Right. No. But it was all —

**Chris:** Don’t do things because of the negative.

**Craig:** It’s like, yeah, like oh my woods are great. And everybody else is stupid.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Tiny house. [laughs]

**John:** With your tiny house.

**Craig:** Yeah, exactly. Watch what I do to your tiny house?

**John:** Pam Stucky asks, Ham asked a couple of questions that were all really good, so I put a few in. W.H. Auden — is it Auden or Odin?

**Craig:** I think it’s Auden.

**Chris:** Auden.

**John:** Auden. Writes, if equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me. Is that good advice or fool’s advice?

**Chris:** That is a good one.

**Craig:** What do you think, Chris? I have an answer.

**Chris:** I think it depends on how much of a sap you are as the more loving one. [laughs]

**Craig:** Good.

**Chris:** Can you tell him that I write a loving, loving show —

**Craig:** Yeah. [laughs]

**Craig:** For small children. I mean I think it depends. Be the more loving one, be the one non-vindictive one, fantastic. Keep your heart open, fantastic. But if you’re pining for someone who is not there, that’s a different thing.

**Craig:** Yeah, no, I agree with that. I would say, if I had to choose, I would want to be the more loving one.

**Chris:** Sure.

**Craig:** I think that there is a joy in that sort of thing. And two, I don’t know, it’s also uncomfortable I think to be in a lopsided deal where someone is just way more into you than you are into them. It makes you turn into like an agent that is, oh I’m not, no, no, I’ll take that later. Yeah. Just tell them I’m out.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** I don’t like that. I find it’s more fun — I think the whole point of love is to go outwards anyway.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** I would agree.

**Craig:** So I’m a sap is basically a good deal.

**John:** Aw, Craig’s a big sap. The other thing I would want to clarify is that love isn’t just one thing. And so there’s a sort of different aspects of love. And so even if you’re not perfectly equal in certain different aspects of it, the overall quantity, the overall sort of net effective of it could be much more balanced out than it might appear on first glance. There’s a great Livingston Evans song called Let Me Be Loved which is sort of a sad plaintiff cry like let me be loved, let someone care for me.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And that is the sad manifestation of that where like —

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** That pining for somebody and like you don’t get anything back.

**Craig:** Unrequited love is miserable.

**John:** It is miserable.

**Chris:** It is miserable.

**Craig:** Isn’t it the worst?

**Chris:** It is. [laughs]

**John:** Yeah. I mean it can foster a lot of great art because it’s a true human emotion. I think a lot of our great love stories have sort of come from that unrequited love.

**Craig:** That ache.

**John:** That ache.

**Craig:** It’s the worst feeling. It’s the worst feeling. But we’ve all felt it. I mean that’s the thing.

**Chris:** Absolutely.

**Craig:** I don’t —

**Chris:** And you carry it with you for a lifetime.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** That scar is always there.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It’s so true.

**Chris:** I can see it in you.

**Craig:** Yeah. Well, it only happened once. Most of the time when I love somebody, they’re like —

**Chris:** They love you back.

**Craig:** Thank god you’re here.

**Chris:** Hardcore, too much.

**Craig:** I’ve been waiting. Yeah.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**John:** But it’s interesting being on the other side of that sometimes. I’ve been the one person who’s been loved much more than I loved them back.

**Craig:** Yes.

**John:** And that is a weird burden you feel.

**Craig:** And I don’t like that because then I really do feel like, oh, yeah, you know, it’s not for us. We did really like the writing, just not terrific. It’s like you feel manipulative. You feel fake. You feel like you’re pandering someone.

**Chris:** I also think it’s harder as a friendship relationship because — I mean if you’re talking about a love relationship, if you’re not equally into each other, you end up in the breakup place. And it’s a clear delineation. What happens in the friendship world is when someone wants to be more of a friend or considers you a better friend than you consider them, that is such a — and it puts you into the horrible place of actually, you kind of at some point kind of have to be a not great person in that moment.

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** To clarify where you’re at because the relationship doesn’t inherently clarify itself.

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** Is that why you talk to me the way you do?

**Chris:** It is why I talk to you. I mean I’m trying to hint to you.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It’s not going to stop me.

**Chris:** That’s okay.

**Craig:** Because I —

**Chris:** You can spend all your time reading up on my issues.

**Craig:** I love you.

**Chris:** I love you too.

**John:** Dave hanging out in Fontana. Craig, you ask this question.

**Craig:** Oh. Oh sure, give me the straight one. Okay, fine. Dave — by the way, what’s straighter than hanging out in Fontana? I’m not gay. I’m hanging out in Fontana. Dave, hanging out in Fontana. How does one end a long-term relationship without leaving a scar? It’s funny. I think we just asked that.

**Chris:** Yes, I think we did.

**Craig:** Asked and answered. My girl of seven years wants marriage and kids. I want to keep my dirt bike collection. This guy really is literally on the cover of Straight Dude Magazine.

**Chris:** [laughs] He is.

**Craig:** My girl of seven years wants marriage. It doesn’t even like, wants —

**Chris:** And he’s from the 1940s.

**Craig:** And also like, she doesn’t want to get married and have kids. She wants marriage and kids. I want to keep my dirt bike collection.

**Chris:** I do think you should write, this guy.

**Craig:** I know. Thought about cheating just to give her a permission slip to leave. But I love her —

**Chris:** That was nice of you.

**Craig:** I know. But I love her too much to thermo nuke bridges. Okay, again, straightest man in history.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** He doesn’t —

**Chris:** Maybe too straight.

**Craig:** He’s literally too straight for me. He thermo nukes bridges. Not enough to burn then. Nuke it from orbit.

**John:** Absolutely. He’s basically like he’s playing Call of Duty with this relationship. [laughs]

**Craig:** He literally is like, should I call an airstrike down on this or what? Then he continues, respectful side question, are gay breakups any different than straight? Oh my god, dude, you have no idea. Last random advice episode, Craig’s marriage proposal, fly to Alaska, that’s true, had a whole other vibe to John’s pickup paperwork at the courthouse. But John is a robot, you have to understand like John’s proposal has nothing to do with being gay. That was John plotted the most efficient path to proposal. [laughs] It certainly didn’t involve traveling.

**Chris:** Either that or I mean I don’t know about you, John, but we ended up considering our marriage, it was the year of forced gay marriage because like, we were already completely committed to each other. We had built our house together. We had a child together and then marriage became legal. And we were kind of like, you know, we’re already there.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** We’re legally taken —

**Craig:** The window is open.

**Chris:** We’re legally taken care of. Like what difference does it make? And then it was actually a health insurance. It was —

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** Writers Guild health insurance at some point said, well, your domestic partnership isn’t going to work anymore and so by the end of the year you have to get married. What I love is like, you know, we’re sneakying, backdooring into gay marriage and then like we were forced to get married. And we were kind of like, well, I guess, we have to get married.

**Craig:** That’s a great — like how has somebody not done that movie where —

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** A gay couple is together and they’ve been like, we’re married and then someone is like, oh yeah, no, you can get married so have to or there’s no more health insurance and then one of them is like, ahhh.

**Chris:** Yes. [laughs]

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Ahhh.

**John:** Yeah. There was a nice sort of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle where it was like, you know, or Schrödinger’s cat.

**Craig:** Schrödinger’s marriage. Yeah.

**John:** And so where it’s like, you were sort of married but not kind of married. And when you actually had to get married, I think there probably were some breakups that happened because it was like, well, are we actually going to do this thing or are we just being heteronormative by getting married?

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** All that stuff. But let’s get back to Dave’s question.

**Craig:** Okay. Dave. Straightest man ever.

**John:** Straightest man alive. Because I actually have a straight friend who did essentially what Dave suggested which like deliberately had the affair to nuke the relationship. And then it didn’t work. Because then had to sort of like —

**Craig:** Oh my god. [laughs]

**John:** Stay in the relationship like another two years after that.

**Craig:** Okay. Look, Dave, straight guy to straight guy, Dave.

**Chris:** Dave.

**Craig:** Dave, here’s the deal. This is kind of a bunch of bull, all right? First of all, you can be married and have children and also have dirt bikes, did you know that? It’s not like the license is connected to being single.

**Chris:** Apparently, she’s already let you have the dirt bikes.

**Craig:** I mean she’s already the kind of girl that lets you have dirt bikes. So I think the problem here is you just want out. You don’t want to do this.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** You say you love her too much to thermo nuke bridges. Do you know how little love that requires? That means I love her too much to not do the worst possible thing, right? So it doesn’t sound like this is working out here. You want to be a gentleman about this and not be passive. Cheating on her and hurting her doubly so that she dumps you? You think that that’s going to tickle and feel okay as opposed to you sitting down and going, listen, here’s the deal, I don’t want children. And I don’t want to get married. And just saying that right now, I’m comfortable the way things are and if you’re not, you have to make a decision. That’s what a man does, bro.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** So bro up, okay? I mean, come on. And yeah, I don’t personally — I’m just guessing that gay breakups aren’t any different than straight. I mean the marriage part — you got to understand about gay marriage proposals is that — I mean when I proposed to my wife, we’d been together for five years, were fairly new in our relationship, you know, relatively speaking. But most gay couples I know that are married, that was like already after 12 years.

**Chris:** That’s right. They were already married and committed that moment had passed.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** You don’t do romantic stuff like that. That seems stupid. It’s like, why would I do —

**Chris:** 15 years in. No one really wants to throw a party.

**Craig:** Yeah. Like you say to Lisa, you know what, um, a surprise trip to Italy. And she’s like, wait, what? How much did you spend on that? I don’t want to go there. Can we go somewhere else?

**Chris:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And then you’re like, screw it. So I think that your respectful side question asked and answered. But it sounds like you just got to bro up, bro.

**John:** He’s going to bro up and breakup in the proper way. But he was to breakup. He can’t —

**Chris:** Oh yeah, you don’t want to be in this relationship. It’s clear.

**John:** There’s no question. Like you have to break up. I mean you can’t allow the status quo to continue because if she genuinely wants kids and you don’t want kids, don’t let her think like she’ll be able to convince you to have kids down the road.

**Craig:** Right. I mean, there’s a mild chance I think where you she would say, you know what, I’m okay with that. I’ll stick around with you and no marriage and no kids. I don’t buy it.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I don’t think so. I mean, generally when one person wants —

**Chris:** And ultimately, if you love her enough to not blow it up, then you love her enough to let her be free or give her honesty or have a real relationship.

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** I mean, the fact that he’s writing you two before having a conversation with her —

**Craig:** It’s kind of —

**Chris:** I’m just going to say —

**John:** I want to say that this is the crappy boyfriend in a romantic comedy. And so like where the woman is actually the lead and he is the guy who like leaves at the start of the movie and like sets her free and then she becomes a great character.

**Craig:** And then he comes back.

**John:** Yes.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** On his dirt bike —

**John:** So Dave in Fontana, we want you to go away so that she can actually become who she is supposed to be because she’s not becoming who she’s supposed to be because you’re around.

**Chris:** Exactly.

**Craig:** That said, this guy does sound like you’d be awesome to hang out with in Fontana. I mean, I totally would. He’s got dirt bikes —

**Chris:** Next time you’re in Fontana, look him up.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** He throws thermo nuke around.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Like a general verb.

**John:** Get a 12-pack of Tecate and hang out and talk through some stuff.

**Craig:** I mean, I would bro it up with him.

**John:** One thing I will say that is different about sort of gay breakups is that obviously there’s a cliché like lesbians never really break up and that they stay friends forever. But that’s actually sort of I think more true in gay guys as well, definitely like you break up with people and like they stay friends in ways that like men and women can never really sort of stay friends that way, so —

**Craig:** That’s interesting.

**Chris:** Yeah, I agree.

**John:** There’s a person I broke up with who I still see out all the time.

**Craig:** Right. You’re like, hey, and he’s like, hey.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** Yeah, agreed.

**Craig:** You know, that’s a really interesting point because the only kind of gay break up I’ve ever had was with my former writing partner. And that’s like, that’s a marriage and a divorce.

**Chris:** Yes, it is.

**Craig:** And it was traumatic, you know. But yeah, totally cool. I guess I’m like, whatever — we hang out and he’s a great guy.

**Chris:** But don’t you think, marriage kind of played into that? I mean there is going to be a whole new generation of gay kids and gay adults and that will be a whole another story in 20 years. But I feel like there is that paradigm of straight relationships that they both have an idea that they are supposed to get married. Here’s something I never understood, I never understood the straight relationship version of I’m going to ask her to marry me, and if she says no or it’s the woman who says, if he says no, if he doesn’t want to marry me, we’re breaking up.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** And I feel like, gay relationships, we don’t have that. We were together because we wanted to be together and there’s a friendship there.

**Craig:** Isn’t that tied to the baby thing?

**Chris:** I think it is totally tied to all of that stuff.

**Craig:** I mean, there’s a lot of baby pressure on straight women.

**John:** Yeah. But I think this baby pressure obviously for women because there’s certain years you can do it.

**Chris:** Yeah.

**John:** But I think even for gay guys at a certain point, like, do you want kids or not have kids? And you have to decide about that before you’re 40.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** Well, there’s another thing with straight marriages I think. And that is for straight men, I don’t think this exists, but for straight women, there is a status issue attached to marriage. This is a common complaint you’ll see like, the mothers, why aren’t you married yet? Well, your sister is married and my younger sister just got married and all my friends are getting married. And everyone is like, you’re a loser because you’re not married. And I don’t know if that’s necessarily true in the gay community for men or women.

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** I think it will be increasingly true, though. I think —

**Chris:** Yes, I agree. I think, yes.

**John:** I think they have normalized — that pressure will be normalized as well.

**Chris:** I totally agree.

**Craig:** Because I think that’s why a lot of women are like, if you say no, I’m breaking up with you, because I got to find somebody that says yes because marriage is —

**Chris:** Right. But I think what it means is that often — I think there are a lot of straight couples who end up together in a way that isn’t just about we love each other and we love hanging out with each other.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Chris:** They’re working towards this goal which is, I got to find the person who’s going to say yes, put the ring on it and all of that. And I feel like straight relationships, that’s where they differ from gay relationships and why I think often gay relationships form friendships afterwards.

**John:** There’s also this weird sort of cultural power disparity where in straight relationships, there’s an expectation that he’s going to ask and she’s going to answer.

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** And then they’ll be married.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And that there’s no norms yet for what that is like in gays.

**Craig:** Well, you know, I can only speak for my experience, but also in just thinking of my friends. Once people kind of got passed the whole, I’m going to ask your father, he’s going to give me permission and then you’re marrying me whole thing, it’s a formality, but, you know, like I remember that Melissa said to me, “Okay, starting on this day, it’s, you are — it’s open season. You may ask me at this point. I’m ready now. So you may ask me from this day forward.”

**John:** Oh, that’s a nice way to put it.

**Craig:** There’s no one really — I mean except for those dingbats at basketball games.

**Chris:** I was going to say, who do the basketball games.

**Craig:** Morons. Nobody really — I feel like —

**Chris:** When you ask, you know.

**Craig:** Yeah, if you’re popping the question truly without knowing, the answer is going to be no because you’re the kind of person that does that. That’s crazy.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** You got to know. I mean I think everybody does.

**Chris:** And I’m just going to say the other difference between the straight and the gay relationship is there’s no When Harry Met Sally idea that a man and a woman can’t be friends.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** Two women can be friends and two men can be friends after the relationship.

**Craig:** Yeah. I will say that for straight people, it’s hard for men to be friends with women when they’re not married. When you are married, you can be friends with them. I have lots of female friends because I’m essentially — I’m a gelding, I’m neutered. I pose no threat to anyone. [laughs] I’m smooth down there like a Ken doll.

**John:** Yeah.

**Chris:** Pete in Fontana doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore, by the way.

**Craig:** I know. He’s like, bro, we’ve got to thermo nuke that. Should we give another Pam Stucky question?

**John:** Let’s have another Pam Stucky question.

**Craig:** All right.

**Chris:** Thank god for Pam.

**Craig:** I know. Pam was just lobbing them in there.

**Chris:** Pam Stucky asks, what are some of the best lessons it’s taken you until your 40s for you to learn? And were they things you should have learned in your 20s? Craig.

**Craig:** You know, as Stuart Smalley says, “I don’t shit all over myself.”

**Chris:** [laughs]

**Craig:** There’s no should. I think that, yes, there are some lessons I’ve learned. One of the big ones was this one. That when you feel things, it doesn’t mean that the feelings mean anything. When you feel scared, it doesn’t mean you’re in danger. When you feel like a loser, it doesn’t mean you’re a loser. When you feel like you’ve done great, it doesn’t mean you’ve done great. They’re just feelings. They’re very powerful things. Emotions are very powerful. But they ultimately don’t have any meaning. They are disconnected from truth more often than that. And they are really bad at predicting the future. And that’s the big one. Like I’ve learned like if I feel like things are going downhill, they’re probably not.

**John:** All right. I would say that I’ve learned some insight and sort of like some sympathy for the monsters in my life. And so when people are behaving terribly, it’s understanding that like, there’s a reason why they’re doing that and they’re probably aren’t even aware of the reasons why they’re doing that. And so what you’re actually seeing is the echo of something that happened a long time ago. And so it’s not necessarily about me, it’s about them being crazy people.

And just to take a step back and it’s sort of like an emotional patience and just like, okay, this is their process, they’re going to go through their process. And when you start to see that, then you can anticipate the future a little bit better. You can sort of anticipate like how this is all going to play out. And it’s made me much more mindful about who I’m in business with.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And sort of like, well, that is monster behavior and that’s going to keep coming back.

**Craig:** Monster behavior. [laughs]

**Chris:** I know a couple of monster behaviors.

**John:** Yeah. There’s no good reason to enter into that —

**Craig:** Who’s left, John?

**Chris:** Yeah, yeah, exactly.

**John:** Or sometimes like I see some monster behavior but I know — I have a sense of how that’s all going to play out. It’s going to be fine. And I’m like, these are the steps that I’m going to have to go through and burn through but then it will be fine.

**Craig:** I don’t even think I understand who’s the monster anymore because I worked for Bob Weinstein for so many years.

**John:** It broke your meter?

**Craig:** I literally don’t know what — is that bad? Is this a bad person? I can’t tell.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** He’s not as bad as Bob.

**Chris:** Yeah, no.

**Craig:** Yeah. Well, what did you — ?

**Chris:** That hole has been dug.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Chris:** Yeah. I mean I think for anyone as you get into your 40s, fear is the great block in our lives, I think. And as you get into your 40s, you start to be less afraid and less afraid of being afraid. And I think I just, in my 40s, I’m out in the world as I am in a way that I was just too fearful of my impact in the world in my 30s. And I’m not sure if there’s a way to speed that process up. It is all — I mean it’s the classic, the 29 question. When you’re 29 years old, you ask questions like a 29-year-old and you have to get to your 40s to have seen the highs and lows, to have crashed and burned, see that you’re going to come back from those things. It’s all of that experience that gets you to the place where nothing seems quite so scary anymore.

**Craig:** I’m with you.

**Chris:** You kind of know what the real shit is.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Yeah. I will say, though, I sometimes look at the incredibly successful 20-somethings. And I think part of the reason why they —

**Chris:** Oh, they have no fear.

**John:** They have no fear.

**Chris:** Yes.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And that’s what it is. So I look at Lena Dunham, I look at the Taylor Swifts, I look at the Mark Zuckerbergs and like they just they don’t have any of the fear that was holding me back in my 20s. And because of that, they have all the energy of their 20s and none of the fear.

**Craig:** You know, I can’t compare myself to anyone. I mean, that’s the truth because this is all I got.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** So I’ve always noticed that — and this is another thing that kind of took me a while to see. I would sometimes look at other people and go, why is that person moving so much quicker than I am?

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** Why is that person moving slower than I am? Why is that person — why does everyone seem to know that person? And a lot of why, why, why, why, why. The truth is, it doesn’t matter.

**Chris:** No.

**Craig:** What you got is what you got. What people think about you is what they think about you. The way you move, your speed, I can remember when I was in my 20s, I would never go to Hollywood parties ever. And then people would always talk about them like, I think I’m screwing up. I don’t go to any of these. No one asks me to go them and I don’t want to go to them. I don’t even know where they are. Like people would talk about these hot clubs and things and like I don’t even know where that is.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** I think I was okay actually.

**John:** John and Craig, what do your spouses do for a living if anything? Moreover, how are their lives affected by your careers as screenwriters and as writers in general? Let’s talk about our spouses.

**Craig:** Okay.

**John:** You start, Craig.

**Craig:** Well, Melissa is actually a stay at home mom. When I say she’s a stay at home mom, she’s also on like I think three different boards of three different charities and was the president in sequence of three different community organizations in our town. And she’s kind of amazing that way. It’s funny, you know, Melissa and I met at Princeton. She’s obviously a very, very smart person. She got a —

**Chris:** She married you, didn’t she?

**Craig:** That was the first indication of her divine intelligence. But she’s got a master’s degree in Latin American studies. She’s fluent in Spanish. She’s traveled, she’s brilliant. You know, she actually — it was kind of like I learned a really important thing from her early on. She’s just, she was never ambitious about money. She was never ambitious about like working her way up some sort of corporate ladder. She just had no interest in that. What she was interested in always was community work and charity work. And so she was — she actually worked on the south side of Chicago right after college, community organizing which is like, you know, dangerous actually. And she’s been involved with an orphanage in Honduras for decades. And she worked at APLA here in Los Angeles for quite a few years. So she’s been that person, you know. And she’s kind of remarkable that way.

And how is her life affected by my career as a screenwriter? I think it’s nice that I’m around a lot, you know, because there are times when you’re a screenwriter and suddenly you’re living in Bangkok for a month, you know. But most of the time, my hours are pretty flexible so I’m around. We can kind of watch each other’s backs when we need to get stuff done. And we have a great system. I mean, we’re coming up on 20 years.

**Chris:** Wow.

**Craig:** Yeah, 20 years next summer. How about you?

**John:** So my husband, Mike, is a stay at home dad. And like Melissa, he’s on boards and sort of runs the parents board at my daughter’s school, the public school and has done a great job with that. He’s an MBA, but before that, he used to run all the movie theaters in Burbank so there’s 30 screens there. And so he comes from exhibition. So it’s been so fascinating to hear that whole side of the movie business because, you know, as we’re going into Star Wars, like he remembered he had to live through Titanic and what a nightmare Titanic was —

**Craig:** [laughs]

**John:** And so he’s like, oh, he feels so bad for all those poor theater folks and having to deal with 24-hour screenings with Star Wars.

**Craig:** Oh my god.

**John:** This could be a nightmare for them. So anyway, Mike is great and smart and very — he’s actually, on most topics is much smarter than me. Like he’s the smart one in the relationship for most sort of practical things. And I think I probably seem like a practical person, but he’s much more practical. He’s the one —

**Craig:** My god.

**Chris:** Wow. [laughs]

**Craig:** He’s the singularity, that is.

**John:** He’s the singularity.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** It’s also fascinating and you guys may have experienced this, too, is that when you’re in a long-term relationship, you start to just, you know, abdicate certain responsibilities. And so like, all responsibilities over like the calendar are Mike’s. I just don’t even engage with it because like, whatever he says, we’re doing that.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** I’m so there with you on that one.

**John:** And so that, some budget stuff, you know. We make big decisions together, but there’s stuff about the house that he runs and rules. And sort of like Melissa, you know, because I’m here, I’m working out of the house most of the time, we can get to sort of co-parent more and sort of run the house together much more than I think most people would be able to do. So while I will be off, you know, in New York doing Big Fish for months at a time sometimes, most of the time, we’re just around. And so we have lunch together every day. And that’s great.

**Craig:** Yeah. You know, we got our whole system down in terms of division of labor. And it is interesting like how the division of labor occurred. You know, there are things that she’s just in charge of. There are things I’m in charge of. That’s been a great side effect of being a writer. And it never occurred to me. But, you know, look, a typical guy is going to get out there at, you know, I don’t know, 7:30 to get on the road to commute. And then he’s back, I don’t know, at 8 pm, there’s hours on either side of school. So a lot of women are left with kids there and no father and there are a lot of dads who are staying at home and the mom is out doing that and they’re left at home with those two handle bars on either side of the school day. And those are the worst. Like it’s easy taking care of a dog when the dog is tired.

**Chris:** [laughs]

**Craig:** It’s easy taking care of a kid when the kid is tired.

**Chris:** Which is never.

**Craig:** Yeah. But when they —

**Chris:** Basically never.

**Craig:** When my kids come home between that and like, you know, 8 pm, that’s like, it’s good to be around. What about you?

**Chris:** Well, I will say that because I’m in TV versus in doing screenwriting, I am in an office —

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** All day long. Although, I made a decision really early on, I was, at this point, I’m the boss. And it is so true that you want to work for someone who has kids because we are out of our office at 6 o’clock. Every night I have dinner with my son every night because what I don’t want to do is create a show that brings joy to millions of children, while mine is in therapy.

That just seems like a terrible, terrible idea. I don’t want him to hate Doc McStuffins more than anything else on the face of the Earth. And I do find it interesting that we all have, yes, you guys are home but you have high profile careers and you have stay in home parents at home. And I do as well. Lisa has been a stay at home mom since our son was born. She had spent years as a filmmaker and a trailer editor which is a really intense lifestyle to cut trailers.

And around the time that we were having our son, she actually probably made more money than I did, but she didn’t want to be doing what she was doing anymore. And I was on the trajectory that I liked what I was doing. And so we made the decision for her to stay at home and be the stay at home mom and for me to go ahead and work. And obviously, that kind of worked out very, very well for us. It is a whole other thing when you have two working parents. And I’m very grateful for my son that he gets to have a parent at home all the time.

**Craig:** Do you guys ever — you know, because I feel like — I don’t know, I could be wrong. But in L.A. or maybe just in the circles that we move, it seems like usually both parents are working. Do you ever feel that weird like, oh, you know, and what does your wife do? Oh, she’s a stay at home mom. Do you feel like a hitch when you say it? Do you feel the weirdness in their eyes? I sometimes get that.

**John:** I do sometimes. That little sense of like, oh, that’s why you’re able to do all these things. And it’s sort of true. I mean like my life would be so much —

**Chris:** It is sort of true.

**John:** More complicated if Mike was working at a different full time job.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And there’s things where like I don’t have to worry about like, who’s going to pick up our daughter after school?

**Chris:** Right.

**John:** Like Mike is going to do that.

**Chris:** Look, it’s a much better line for me than it is for you. But when people ask me, how do I do everything and juggle the whole thing? And I say, well, you know, it’s really helpful to have a wife. [laughs]

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** Which is a laugh line for me but it’s true. It’s just that it’s true.

**Craig:** Yeah, but for me, it’s just like, sometimes I feel like, oh, so you’re like, you beat her? Like it’s like they’re —

**Chris:** I think they go exactly right there.

**Craig:** It’s like literally the line from you have a stay at home wife to —

**Chris:** No, it’s from joke to — yeah.

**Craig:** So you’re a bad person and you beat her.

**Chris:** It’s because of the beard they think that you —

**Craig:** The beard is new it’s always been —

**Chris:** I know.

**Craig:** I think it’s just mostly people —

**Chris:** Now, you look like a wife-beater.

**Craig:** Now, I do look like a wife-beater. Well, good. That’s why I grew the beard because it was weird —

**Chris:** That’s why she likes it.

**Craig:** Yeah. It’s like well if you’re going to beat me —

**Chris:** Right, look like it.

**Craig:** Look the damn part, yeah.

**Chris:** Yeah, exactly.

**Craig:** I think that’s really funny what you said about Doc McStuffins because there’s this class of movie where the character is a dad whose kids are like, “Dad, make sure you come home. It’s Christmas” And he’s like, “I will.” And then he doesn’t because he works too hard like Liar, Liar, the Santa Claus. There’s so many of those and it’s all about like I just got to realize that I got to be there for my kids. I’m working too hard. And every man working on that movie is that guy to their kids.

**Chris:** Oh, totally.

**Craig:** It’s like every man. They’re all doing it.

**Chris:** Yeah, that’s right.

**Craig:** Yes.

**Chris:** But I will say, one of the other things that I learned in my 40s is that my career matters. It’s part of who I am. And because I set it up right in the first place and because I actively went after the things I wanted to do in life, I do what I love and I love what I do and I do something that as it turns out, kind of matters. And I think we’re trained to want to say, “The thing I learned in my 40s is that career doesn’t matter.” It does.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Yes, it matters.

**Chris:** It matters. It matters and if you did everything right leading up to it and if you moved in with your boyfriend in Boston and then followed your writing career and did all and broke up with the woman.

**Craig:** Right. Thermonuke.

**Chris:** Do all those — if you just take those actions that set you up in the right place, your career does matter and it is a part of your life.

**Craig:** I like to use — I use the word vocation. Because vocation is like it’s something you’re called to do.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** And you know, I do this because — I mean I’m lucky and that the thing that I want to do is the thing I can do —

**Chris:** Totally.

**Craig:** And that’s great. That’s a great confluence of things.

**Chris:** That’s right.

**Craig:** But this is a funny business that way. It’s not a career in a weird way. It’s kind of a vocation.

**Chris:** No. It is a huge part of — yeah.

**Craig:** Yeah. It’s like this other weird thing. It’s like a priesthood or something.

**Chris:** And you win every high school reunion and that’s the important thing for me.

**Craig:** I have yet to show up to one but I —

**Chris:** Oh, yeah. No, I won an early one because I was already at Sesame Street. And I was like, “Done.” Solid.

**Craig:** When I go back, I’m having my 25th college reunion in two years, and I will win because of the Ted Cruz thing. I’m the winner.

**Chris:** Oh, yeah.

**Craig:** I’m the winner. Like I should get — I should get my own parade.

**Chris:** I think you’re going to get an ambassadorship.

**Craig:** I might.

**Chris:** And where would you like to go? Do you know that the Ambassador to Ireland is an animation guy?

**Craig:** Oh, really? That’s helpful to you.

**Chris:** Yes, it is.

**Craig:** I would think that —

**Chris:** So where are you going?

**Craig:** There are a number of sensitive issues between the United States and French Polynesia.

**John:** You would actually go back to French Polynesia after your experience there?

**Craig:** No. I love it there. You’re thinking of Jeff Lowell. No, I love — I went back. Melissa and I went back for our 20th — I’m sorry, our 15th. Bora Bora, outstanding.

**Chris:** And a very difficult ambassadorship.

**Craig:** Well, just a lot of issues like —

**Chris:** I mean, yeah, there’s a lot to negotiate.

**Craig:** Import-export of coconut byproducts.

**John:** Chris Nee, where are you going to be ambassador?

**Chris:** I’m going to be the ambassador to — I’d got to go with Italy. I mean, doesn’t that seem like a fantastic place to be an ambassador to.

**Craig:** It could be. Have you spent a lot of time there though? It could be frustrating.

**Chris:** Except that I might be killed by the mafia.

**Craig:** No, no. It’s frustrating. There are no lines.

**Chris:** That’s true.

**Craig:** No one ever lines up in Italy.

**Chris:** I think I’m going to have a house out in the countryside.

**Craig:** Okay. You’ll turn like Amalfi coast or something.

**Chris:** Totally. Yeah, yeah ,yeah.

**Craig:** Well, that works. Yeah, that works.

**Chris:** On a lake eating pasta. I’m not going to do my job very well.

**Craig:** Listen, you don’t want to say that out loud.

**Chris:** Oh, right. Sorry. I said that too soon.

**John:** Yes. Let’s ask a final question from Pam Stucky. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night absolutely certain you’re about to die? The answer for me, is yes.

**Craig:** I don’t need to wake up in the middle of the night. It’s a fact. I don’t know what the — why would I need to wake up to acknowledge a fact?

**John:** That you’re about to die?

**Craig:** Well — oh, you mean seconds away from dying?

**Chris:** Yes.

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** Oh, no. I’ve never woken up in the middle of the night thinking that ever.

**Chris:** I was going to say no. Why?

**Craig:** No. So sometimes you wake up and you’re like, “This is it, I’m going down.”

**Chris:** You do?

**John:** I’ve had panic attacks. And that sort of really feels like —

**Craig:** You’ve had a kernel panic.

**Chris:** But is it like the pulling out of a dream moment where you’re not quite sure —

**John:** Sometimes it is. Sometimes it just feels like, “Oh, I’m having a heart attack. This is a heart attack right now. Let me Google the symptoms. Oh, it’s a panic attack.”

**Craig:** It’s a panic attack, yeah.

**Chris:** It’s a panic attack at times.

**Craig:** Do you have sleep apnea?

**John:** No, no.

**Craig:** That’s really interesting.

**John:** So I actually know the triggers for it is if I have caffeine after like 3 p.m. it’s going to happen.

**Chris:** Then you’re going to die. Immediately?

**Craig:** Really? That’s really interesting. It’s incredible how fragile our minds are. You see, that’s the whole point, feelings are not facts.

**Chris:** Right. That’s right.

**John:** But it’s not even emotions, though. That truly is a physiological thing where like, it kicked in your fight or flight —

**Chris:** Well yeah, and panic attacks are the most horrible thing. I was just telling someone the story of getting a root canal. Oddly, my wife and I ended up having emergency root canals on the same day. We have different dentists, but we ended up at the same endodontist. How bizarre is that? So anyway, she went first and she came out and said, “It really wasn’t that bad. It’s going to be okay. Don’t worry about it.” And when I came out, she was like, “Well, how was it?” And I was like, “It was the worse thing that ever happened.” And we started talking about the dentist. And I said, you know, that horrible stutter that he has. And she said, “What stutter?” I had had such a bad panic attack. I had kicked him. I’d hit him. We had to process in the middle and he kept saying to me, like, “You have to stop fighting me.” And I said, “But the whole point of a panic attack is I can’t control it.”

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** He kept telling me to stop with a stutter that had come back that I brought back from childhood because it was so terrible.

**Craig:** Wow. Chris, you’re such a bully.

**Chris:** Because I was panicked. I was so panicked.

**Craig:** No, panic is —

**Chris:** It’s a terrible feeling.

**Craig:** I had one —

**Chris:** You can’t control it.

**Craig:** Years and years and years ago at the tail end of a very difficult production that I think was kind of the result of, like, being over adrenalized for so long and then the adrenaline stops and then your receptors are starved for adrenaline. So anytime you might go, “What?” And I was down for a week. And for about three days, I couldn’t leave my room.

**Chris:** That feels like a Harvey story.

**Craig:** Bob.

**Chris:** All right.

**John:** Done.

**Chris:** Done.

**Craig:** Wait. We have to ask this question because this is the best question of all.

**John:** Sure. Ask the question.

**Craig:** Clint asks, what is the deal with women and throw pillows? What is the deal with women and throw pillows?

**John:** What is the deal with women and throw pillows?

**Chris:** Ask Craig.

**Craig:** I mean honestly — yeah.

**Chris:** Ask a woman.

**Craig:** I get it. I’m the most feminine one here. They frustrate me so much. I just want to sit on my couch.

**Chris:** Because all you do is move them out of the way.

**Craig:** They’re not just pillows. They’re always scratchy. They’re the worst pillows. They’re piled up in such a way that you can’t sit on a couch. You’re literally forward as — if you were about to be jettisoned into space. I hate them, and yet every couch in my house must be stacked. My bed. What do I do when I want to go to bed?

**Chris:** You have to put everything on the side of the bed.

**Craig:** Literally, you know what I do to get the pillows off my bed? I bitch slap them off my bed. I backhand them off.

**Chris:** Practice?

**Craig:** No. They’re the only ones I really hate. And I just, “Get off my bed.” What is the deal?

**John:** I believe a couch should have two pillows that can be adjusted for napping or for, like, putting it behind your back if you want to sit a little differently.

**Craig:** Two corner ones.

**Chris:** Right.

**Craig:** I’ll buy that.

**John:** Two pillows in the corner that you can move and use as appropriate. But more than that, no.

**Chris:** No, there’s no need for it.

**Craig:** It’s just outrageous.

**Chris:** Women suck.

**Craig:** Look, man, sometimes I come home and I’m looking at my couch, I’m like, “Well, someone went over to T.J. Maxx and had our — what is it, Home Goods? Home Goods.

**Chris:** Does she just randomly buy more?

**Craig:** Yeah. Sometimes there’s just — I’m in so much trouble now for this.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Because the thing is, I was doing great and then I —

**John:** You were doing great. It was all a love fest.

**Craig:** And then this pillow thing happened.

**Chris:** Yeah. And it’s all over now.

**John:** See if you can pull it out in the One Cool Things.

**Craig:** I forgot to do one.

**John:** So I specifically emailed about One Cool Thing.

**Craig:** I know. My One Cool Thing is — do you know what my One Cool Thing is? Throw pillows. Love them.

**John:** My One Cool Thing is gut bacteria.

**Craig:** That’s a cool thing.

**John:** It’s a pretty cool thing. So I’ll link to an article by Moises Velasquez-Manoff about recent findings in gut bacteria. But essentially making the case that all the stuff that exists in your gut that helps you process food and helps you — helps your ecosystem survive and thrive, has gone away to the degree that we may not even have some of those microbes left anymore. It’s an interesting challenge I think because those things probably evolved with us in order to process the foods that we are eating. And without them, we are kind of screwed. So I think it will be interesting to see over the next 10 years whether we can get some of those things back if we can start to supplement those things or find other ways just sort of regrow that inner stuff.

**Chris:** So do you take regular probiotics? Is that — ?

**John:** I don’t take regular probiotics — but I’m careful to try to eat a diversity of things and to try to get more stuff in there. And we have our own garden and so we try to eat as many as greens at our garden as possible.

**Chris:** Well done.

**Craig:** Just wonderful of you. I don’t know if you guys had been following but fecal transplants —

**Chris:** Yes. It’s fascinating.

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** They’re kind of like magic.

**John:** I think they’re kind of —

**Chris:** They’re kind of incredible.

**Craig:** Seed of a seal used to be this — I mean it’s called seed of a seal because it was that difficult to cure. And fecal transplant, done, fixed.

**Chris:** Yeah. And it feels like you’re going to be able to get people who want to donate, which is a perfect segue because my One Cool Thing is Be the Match because what is cooler than saving someone’s life?

**Craig:** You’re the second person that made Be the Match be a One Cool Thing on the show.

**Chris:** Oh, I did not know that.

**Craig:** But go for it.

**Chris:** But I’m going for it anyway.

**Craig:** Can’t be repeated enough.

**Chris:** It is — Be the Match is for bone marrow transplants, and it is so easy. It’s just a cheek swab. You don’t have to do anything. By the time you get to the point where you have to make a decision as to whether you’re going to deal with the needle or anything like that, there is a human being’s life in the balance that you get to save, which is the coolest thing ever. That will be your meeting story for the rest of your life. It is your guarantee on a date that they think you’re a good guy or gal. You’re going to get laid if you join Be the Match. So that’s —

**Craig:** Women don’t need that, but the men, do.

**Chris:** No, they don’t.

**Craig:** The men need that extra push.

**Chris:** The men need it, yeah, you know —

**John:** Dave hanging out in Fontana, he needs to Be the Match.

**Chris:** He needs Be the Match.

**Craig:** My God, he would kill it out there.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** No. Be the Match is amazing and it covers —

**Chris:** And basically in life, I think you want to be karmacly covered. You want to know that you’ve done all the things — not because you want to help other people, but because you want to make sure if you need a pair of lungs, that you’ve said yes on your driver’s license —

**Craig:** Exactly.

**Chris:** You need blood, you need platelets that you’ve put it out in the universe —

**Craig:** Do it.

**Chris:** To do it. So Be the Match. Be the Match.

**Craig:** Honestly, going to bethematch.org.

**Chris:** It’s so easy.

**Craig:** Is compulsory as far as I’m concerned. It’s that simple to do. There’s nothing else like it.

**Chris:** No.

**Craig:** As far as I’m aware.

**Chris:** And it only works by critical mass.

**Craig:** That’s right.

**Chris:** And that is if you’re not — you’re never doing Be the Match for the person — don’t wait for the person who’s going to ask you and you’re like, “Oh my God, I’m totally going to donate and I’m going to give my stuff to you.”

**Craig:** Do it now.

**Chris:** It never works that way. You got to be in the system for the system to work.

**Craig:** Yeah, it’s the best One Cool Thing. It really is.

**John:** Hooray. That’s our program. So thank you very much, Chris Nee, for joining us.

**Chris:** Thank you so much for having me.

**Craig:** That was great. You did a good job.

**Chris:** I’m really sorry that I didn’t swear as much as Malcolm Spellman.

**John:** We’re delighted. We don’t have to put a little E in our explicit language —

**Chris:** I know. But I kind of wanted it to be like the pre-school writer who needed the E. Like that felt like a thing. I’m going to go after it next time.

**John:** Next time.

**Craig:** Are there any porn spoofs of Doc McStuffins yet?

**Chris:** There have been from the beginning. Because frankly —

**Craig:** Because the McStuffins.

**Chris:** Yes. I —

**John:** Both words lend themselves to puns.

**Chris:** Yeah. I mean, I knew when I came up with the idea, I was like, yeah, hi. And I’m sort of proud I got that through.

**Craig:** What does doc rhyme with you guys? I don’t get it.

**Chris:** Yeah. I’m saying yes. And I also — you know, there’s a whole other show that will happen in 20 years called Doc after Dark where, you know, obviously, you follow Doc and it ends up that she fails out of medical school.

**Craig:** Oh, boy. We’re going to have Disney lawyers over here.

**Chris:** It’s all downhill. It’s all downhill from there.

**Craig:** I would watch it on Cinemax, I presume.

**Chris:** I think, yes.

**Craig:** Friday night after dark.

**John:** Our show is produced by Stuart Friedel, as always, and edited by Mathew Chilelli. Thank you, Mathew.

Our outro this week is by Rajesh Naroth. Thank you. If you have an outro for us, write into ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also where you could have written into to send in your questions. But you can send in your screenwriting questions there, and we may get to those on a show. On Twitter, I am @johnaugust, Craig is @clmazin. Chris, you are?

**Chris:** @chrisdocnee.

**John:** chrisdocnee?

**Chris:** Yeah, because there’s a Chris Nee already.

**Craig:** What?

**Chris:** Really?

**John:** Is that an Asian man?

**Chris:** No, there’s a football guy.

**Craig:** Football? There is a football guy?

**Chris:** Well, there’s Chris Snee which is my nickname is Snee.

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** But there is a guy who tweets about football, Chris Nee. He got my name.

**John:** He got your name. We have a live show on January 25th. It is starring — well, me and Craig will be there, but we’re not the stars.

**Craig:** No.

**John:** Jason Bateman is a true star. And Lawrence Kasdan wrote a little movie called Star Wars.

**Craig:** Opening — so by the time this airs —

**John:** It would already be open.

**Craig:** It will have already have opened. I’m going to get — I’m just going to go out on a limb here. I think it’s going to make $15 million or $16 million this weekend.

**John:** I think that’s absolutely a guarantee.

**Craig:** Minimum.

**Chris:** Fair.

**John:** Minimum.

**Craig:** With highs up to 20 — think about it guys, $20 million in a weekend.

**John:** It’s facing some tough competition. Like the second week of In the Heart of the Sea —

**Craig:** Right.

**Chris:** That’s going to be tough.

**John:** Yeah. And Amy Poehler’s movie is up against it but I just want to —

**Craig:** Well, but also just like life. I mean like people love reading books for instance. So there’s that.

**John:** They do. Absolutely.

**Craig:** So there’s that.

**John:** Yeah. And the holiday hubbub.

**Craig:** There’s holiday hubbub going on. By the way, when are you — I’m seeing it on Saturday.

**John:** I’m seeing it on Friday.

**Chris:** I am waiting a week. I’m a big wait-a-weeker.

**Craig:** Okay. I’ll call you and tell you what happens.

**Chris:** Please.

**John:** We’re recording the show on a Wednesday. But already the reviews have started to come out. And so I have to, like — I’m basically out of Twitter until — I don’t want to see any —

**Chris:** No, you don’t want to see anything.

**Craig:** Reviews didn’t stop me from seeing The Phantom Menace. Reviews aren’t going to mean anything to me. I will go see this and judge for myself.

**Chris:** But did you read the entire article where a dad was trying to explain to his kid what the big deal was about Star Wars and he used Doc McStuffins coming back in 20 years as his example?

**Craig:** You mean —

**John:** Oh my God.

**Chris:** Because that was a good —

**Craig:** Doc McStuffins after dark?

**Chris:** Yes. Like, if it — yes. He totally went for the Doc McStuffins after dark example.

**Craig:** It’s really — all roads lead to McStuffins.

**Chris:** Yes, they do.

**John:** They do. You’ll find the links to that article and everything else we talked about on the show at the show notes at johnaugust.com. And Chris Nee, thank you again for —

**Chris:** Thank you.

**John:** A very fun episode.

**Craig:** Thanks, Chris.

Links:

* [Chris Nee](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1349008/) on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/chrisdocnee), and [Doc McStuffins](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doc_McStuffins)
* [Serial, season 2](https://serialpodcast.org/season-two)
* [Coquito](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coquito)
* Throw pillows on [Amazon](http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=throw+pillows), [Pier 1](http://www.pier1.com/pillows-cushions/pillows/pillows,default,sc.html), [Overstock](http://www.overstock.com/Home-Garden/Throw-Pillows/2011/subcat.html), [Target](http://www.target.com/c/throw-pillows-home-decor/-/N-5xttp) and [Google](https://www.google.com/search?q=throw+pillows&rlz=1C5CHFA_enUS504US504&oq=throw+pillows&aqs=chrome.0.69i59j69i60.1095j0j7&sourceid=chrome&es_sm=91&ie=UTF-8)
* [How the Western Diet Has Derailed Our Evolution](http://nautil.us/issue/30/identity/how-the-western-diet-has-derailed-our-evolution)
* [Fecal Microbiota Transplants](http://thefecaltransplantfoundation.org/what-is-fecal-transplant/)
* [Sign up for Be The Match and save a life](https://bethematch.org/)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Rajesh Naroth ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))

Scriptnotes, Ep 223: Confusing, Unlikable and On-The-Nose — Transcript

November 13, 2015 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](http://johnaugust.com/2015/confusing-unlikable-and-on-the-nose).

**John August:** Hello, and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** And this is Episode 232 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Today on the show, we will talk about terrible notes screenwriters get and what happens when novelists attempt to adapt their own books.

Craig, welcome back to your home little set-up, your office. We are now on Skype, we don’t have to see each other in person anymore.

**Craig:** Yeah. Always awkward to look into the face of John August —

**John:** Yeah

**Craig:** To see his dead eyes, to hear the words and clicks as the babbage machine inside his dome calculates what to say next.

**John:** Yeah, Mathew has a whole special filter that takes that out when I record by Skype. But live, you know, there’s no way to really conceal it.

**Craig:** You can’t conceal the babbage.

**John:** There was enough bustling in that auditorium there that nobody really heard it.

**Craig:** No one except for me.

**John:** Yeah. How did you feel Austin went?

**Craig:** I thought Austin went great. It may be my favorite of all the Austins I’ve been to. And it started off on a weird foot because they had this storm and the airport got shut down. So you and I weirdly kind of got in under the wire and got out after the wire. I mean, compared to everybody else, we had the easiest travel of all time.

But I thought it went really, really well. You know, we had to do a little rejiggering on our live podcast because of the travel issues and other things. But we got two great guests regardless. I thought our Three Page Challenge went really well.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And then I enjoyed doing my seminar on story structure. That seemed to go really well. And it was just fun seeing people. It was a good group. Lots of old faces, some new faces. Oh, and our wives and husbands were with us.

**John:** Yeah, which was fun for the first time to have them there with us.

**Craig:** Here’s a question for you. I don’t know if this happened for you, but I was kind of hoping it would happen for me, and it did. And that is — just every now and then, the person that you’ve been spending your life with, you know, at this point now with Melissa it’s more than half of my life, it’s good for them to see you in like another context —

**John:** For sure.

**Craig:** And see people like, “Hey,” you know. It makes them kind of — I don’t know, just appreciate the other side.

**John:** There’s always this question in my head. It was whether Mike really believes I am where I say I am, or that if I’ve actually hidden my phone in some other city and I’m a spy living some other secret life. So it’s good for him to see like, “Oh, those places I talk about going, they are actually real and there are people on the other side of that conversation.”

**Craig:** I’m glad that I’m not the only one because, you know, the joke that Melissa and I always have is that there’s this recurring plot on Lifetime made-for-TV movies where a woman meets a man and he’s the man of her dreams, and he just seems so perfect, and then she starts to realize over time that he’s been drugging her every day and confusing her and having sex with her in her sleep. And then cheating on her, manipulating her, and stealing her money. And every now and then, she’s like, “Are you drugging me? Is this real or is this drugs?”

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** So at least Melissa got to know for sure that it was drugs.

**Craig:** Yeah. Oh, it’s drugs. We didn’t —

**John:** 100 percent. It’s drugs from top to bottom.

**Craig:** We blindfolded Mike and Melissa and just brought them to a room that where we hastily scrawled Austin on the wall and then just kept them high as hell for a few days. It was great.

**John:** Yeah, it was a fun time.

**Craig:** [laughs]

**John:** So people have already listened to the live show that we did, that was last week’s episode. The Three Page Challenge we did, that is now up in the premium feed. So if you’re a premium subscriber to Scriptnotes, you can listen to our Three Page Challenge where we had three really interesting scripts to talk through and we got to talk with two of the writers of those scripts and about what they had done. So Kelly Marcel was our special guest for that.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** If you are not a premium subscriber, this may be a good time for you to run over to scriptnotes.net and sign up for that. It’s $1.99 a month. You get access to all the back feed and episodes like the Scriptnotes live Three Page Challenge. And also an interview I did with Drew Goddard for the Writers Guild Foundation last week. And so that will be up in the feed by the time you hear this. So a good chance to catch up on things you may have missed.

**Craig:** Wonderful.

**John:** All right. Our future guest, Tess Morris, she’s a young woman we met at Austin this year. She’s a friend of Kelly Marcel. She was there with a movie called Man Up, which was having it’s, I guess, North American premier at Austin. But that film is actually going to be showing at Sundance Cinemas here in Los Angeles starting, I think, next week, when you listen to this podcast. And we are going to have her as a guest on the show. So if you would like to understand what we’re talking about, I would recommend you go out and see her movie. It stars Lake Bell and Simon Pegg. And that’s premiering in New York and Los Angeles I think next week. So just to give you a heads up that that’s a future topic, so if you want to know what we’re talking about, you should probably go see her movie, which is really good.

**Craig:** I think it’s safe to say that she’s delightful.

**John:** She is in fact delightful. She’s British and delightful. But delightful in a different way than Kelly Marcel.

**Craig:** Everyone is.

**John:** Yes. [laughs]

**Craig:** [laughs] That one is unique. No, Melissa kept saying about Tess, she just kept saying, “I’m sorry, but she is adorable.”

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** She is adorable. And the funny is you said she’s a young woman. She’s not that much younger than we are.

**John:** No.

**Craig:** But she seems like she is, like you want to adopt her and, you know, I keep saying like, “Come stay with us, you could be just our older daughter.”

**John:** It’s interesting because the character that Lake Bell plays in the movie is very clearly inspired by Tess. And it is a woman who is very immature in sort of fundamental things and makes a list about sort of like act like a grown up, and that seems to be a goal for Tess as well. And so, we could talk about being a grown-up, and especially romantic comedies, which is a thing that Tess has essentially written a thesis on about how romantic comedies function and what their function is in the cinema universe. So that’ll be a great conversation we’ll have with her, eventually. And it’ll make more sense if you see her movie first.

**Craig:** Word, word.

**John:** Another clip you may want to watch is online. It’s from Andrew Friedhof who just won the Nicholl Fellowship for his script. And he gave this really nice acceptance speech. So Robin Swicord introduced him. It was a nice acceptance speech. And at the end of it, he thanks you and me, which was just crazy.

**Craig:** It was. And it was very touching. And he seems, first of all, like the nicest person ever, you know. Sometimes you see somebody and they’re talking and you think, “I don’t know what it is exactly but they just seem so gentle and so kind and so nice.” And he said some very lovely things about you and me and the show. And it was very touching, you know. I mean, you know my whole thing these days is being grateful, and I’m very grateful for that. I’m grateful that we — and he’s Australian and, you know, his point was like, “Look, we’re all the way there on the other side of the world from Los Angeles.” And so, these things, like the show that we do, and there are a lot of other resources, obviously, are lifelines for people. And so it was very nice to hear, and it keeps me going week after week. I have no idea what keeps you going, some sort of blend of synthetic oil and jet fuel.

**John:** Absolutely. It’s a special formula that I’ve been working on for years. I mean, actually, through the power of radio, we don’t have to summarize what he said, we can actually just play a little clip. So let’s hear a little clip of what he said —

**Craig:** All right.

**John:** About us.

**Andrew Friedhof:** On the off chance they hear this, I’d like to thank John August and Craig Mazin. I consider myself a proud alumnus of Scriptnotes University, particularly for someone from overseas who doesn’t live in this area, obviously. So yeah, to actually have their advice, umbrage-filled advice, has been invaluable to me, so I really appreciate that.

**John:** So that was lovely. So Andrew, I connected with him on Twitter, so he’s in town for a little while longer doing a thousand meetings, he’s doing The Water Bottle Tour of Los Angeles, which we’ve described. And so we wish him lots of luck and congratulations on this success for him.

**Craig:** No question, it’s exciting. And you know, look, there’s a little side effect of the show that we do here, and that’s when we’re both old, I feel like there’ll just be a wave of screenwriters who will take care of us, who’ll bring us hot meals, you know, blankets.

**John:** I mostly just want people to be a little bit sad when I die. That’s really my only goal.

**Craig:** I don’t know if they will, because you’re not going to really die. You’re just going to, you know, stop working.

**John:** Yeah, that’s true. I’ll actually multiply. I’ll be some sort of underlying A.I. that’s just floating out there in the universe.

**Craig:** You’ll just keep getting parts replaced until people are like, “Yes, technically, it’s John August, but it’s not. There’s barely anything left of the original, of the one.”

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I mean, this thing has been built up over centuries.

**John:** Yeah, because I’m Skynet basically.

**Craig:** [laughs] You become Skynet. Oh, I, on the other hand, will be dead. [laughs]

**John:** You’ll die in some like really embarrassing accident.

**Craig:** Yeah. I’ll die of explosive diarrhea —

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** In front of a crowd, yeah.

**John:** [laughs] That was good.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** My last bit of follow-up is, a couple of weeks ago I talked about that I was thinking about doing NaNoWriMo, where you try to write a novel in the month of November? And I’m actually doing it. I had to start it while I was in Austin, but I’ve actually kept up my word count, and so if people want to stalk me and see how much I’m actually writing per day, I will put a link in the show notes to my official NaNoWriMo profile where you can see how much I am writing each day.

And it’s been really interesting, because you and I have both written some fiction, and I don’t know about you, but I find it challenging overall to switch gears and just be in pure prose the whole time.

**Craig:** It’s very challenging. You certainly feel like you have let go of that comforting structure, that — I mean, there’s just a rhythm to screenwriting, and it’s the rhythm of scenes more than anything.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** A scene feels like a bite size accomplishable thing to do. It has its own beginning, middle, and end. Screenwriting is all about propulsive motion of some kind, emotional or narrative. And in novels, that is occasionally there, and sometimes it’s the last thing you want to do. You want to be reflective, you want to change the vibe completely. So it’s a far less structured form of writing, and that can be a little scary at times. I mean, I have no idea why you’re doing this. It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. I don’t understand it. [laughs] Honestly, I hope it wins the Pulitzer.

**John:** Thank you. I’m not trying to write the Pulitzer book, but I’m enjoying what I’m writing.

One of the things I have noticed is that I’m looking at sort of what the feeling is, as the cursor is blinking. And a difference between screenwriting and writing prose is when you’re screenwriting it’s very clear what state you’re in. So am I in a line of action or in a line of dialogue? And your brain switches gears for like what you’re trying to do there. And in prose, you could sort of be in both. And so as I’m trying to express a character communicating some information, it’s like, “Oh, am I going to do that through dialogue or am I going to do that through a summary of sort of what the conversation was?” Am I going to step outside of the actual moment I’m in to fill in details about someone’s history or, you know, an anecdote that relates to that moment? It’s a very different set of states in writing prose fiction than writing screenwriting. Just on the level of what’s happening right underneath your cursor.

**Craig:** Yes. That’s absolutely true. I remembered thinking, when I was writing prose, that I also had this option to shift gears dramatically in terms of the way the story was being relayed to the reader. In film, you can’t, because you understand people are going to have to shoot this. Ultimately, it conforms to reality. When you’re writing prose, you can slip into a dream state at any moment. You can slip inside someone’s mind, you can slip inside a memory, and you can shift those gears tonally. In fact, you want to. You want to keep people on their toes a little bit. And there is the beautiful freedom of choice. And of course, the terrifying freedom of choice.

**John:** Yeah. It is. The switch of tenses is also a thing that you have to wrestle with when you first get used to it. Screenwriting is written entirely in the present tense, and that’s because everything you’re seeing on screen is happening right there at that moment. Most fiction is written in the third person singular. And it’s interesting, there’s that change of voice, that change of having to decide whether you are an omniscient narrator who knows everything about the characters, whether you’re limiting your perspective onto a certain character, whether you are invoking the second person to say you at times, in that sort of casual way, rather than saying one might notice, like you might see all those choices are interesting and you find yourself having to make them for the first time, and then having to decide, is that the right choice for the rest of the book I’m trying to write?

**Craig:** Yeah. It’s yet another thing that you can even switch. You know, Stephen King has this stylistic quirk that I kind of love where he’ll write traditional prose, third person, past tense. And then suddenly somebody will start thinking something, and now he’s in first person, present tense.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And he’ll slather a bunch of italics over it. And stuff like that is kind of fun, because you start to realize, “Oh, yeah, that’s right, the writing is the movie.”

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** There is no movie. This is it. So I might as well have some fun and break a bunch of rules, as long as — you know, as long as you know what you’re doing and it’s all intentional. It’s so much fun. I don’t know. I mean, one day, I have to get back to —

**John:** One day, you’ll finish your book.

**Craig:** One day, I’ll finish my book. And it’ll be probably around the time that all these Scriptnotes listeners have grown up, become wealthy, and are bringing me soup and blankets.

**John:** Yeah. But at least you’ll have something to do while you are waiting for your stories to begin.

**Craig:** But let’s not kid ourselves [laughs]. I am going to be playing Fallout 12.

**John:** That’s what you’ll do. 100 percent.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Or The Room Part 46.

**Craig:** Oh, I mean, well, just wait —

**John:** Just wait.

**Craig:** Just wait.

**John:** The last thing we need we need to do in our follow-up is talk about the death Melissa Mathison, so the screenwriter of E.T., Indian in the Cupboard, The Black Stallion. E.T. is one of those really seminal movies for me. It’s one of those things where I realized like, “Oh, this is a movie, and it’s making me feel things.” And that comes from her script.

**Craig:** Well, it’s a seminal movie for practically everyone, I think. And one of the reasons why is that it — and this is where, you know, when you get a great screenwriter with a great idea. And she did invent E.T. You can instruct culture about how you can look at a genre in a different way. And to say, “I’m going to make a family movie about a little boy who meets a friendly alien,” and make it really the “Jesus” story, make it the gospel frankly —

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And to do it beautifully and touchingly, to present a family with a single mother, where that’s not kind of a thing that is a thing, it’s just that’s life —

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** To have kids that talk like actual kids. It was beautiful. And if that were all that Melissa had done, it would have been enough. But to have also done Black Stallion and Indian in the Cupboard and Kundun, just remarkable. I mean, the breadth of her career, the different kinds of stories she did, worked with — you know, repeatedly worked with the best directors. Her last work is an adaptation of Roald Dahl’s The BFG which Spielberg, I think, is going to do. And that says something right there. You know, when arguably the best Hollywood director ever works with you in the early 1980s and then is working with you in the mid-2010s, you probably are pretty good. I mean, she was one of the best who ever did what we did. And it’s very sad because it’s untimely. I don’t know if they indicated what the cause of death of was, but she was in her 60s. It’s too early. I assume that it was some kind of illness, and it’s a shame. And everyone, certainly everyone who screenwrites needs to know her name. But everybody who loves movies needs to know her name.

**John:** Absolutely.

All right. Let’s switch gears and talk about studio notes. Or not even notes we get from studios but from other people who read our scripts. And the notes that drive us craziest because they are so unhelpful or unspecific. And we each have a list of some things that drive us crazy. Craig, why don’t you start?

**Craig:** Hey, I’m going to just zero in on the one.

**John:** All right.

**Craig:** That after all this time, this is the one that — it’s the only one of all the repetitive, useless, silly, boring, edge rubbing off notes that you get, and you’re going to get them. This is the one that sends me into advanced umbrage. And it’s this. “This character feels unlikeable.” Even as I say it, there is a rage building in me, a violence that I can barely repress. And the reason why is because a lot of notes that you get that are bad are — they’re what I call conforming notes.

“Please remove the things that are unique in your screenplay and push them more towards something I’ve seen already because it makes me feel safe. I simply can’t look past my own fear to the experience of the audience. It’s more important to me that I feel safe.” And I understand why those happen, and of course, part of my job is to not let bad things happen to the screenplay while making the other person feel safe. But this note — this note is just stupid, because it doesn’t even make you feel safe. It’s just wrong.

Not only can your character be unlikeable, people like your character to be unlikeable. They love unlikeable characters. The only thing they ever ask of us is that unlikeable characters at some point indicate that they are self-aware, that they know that they’re a little off. And that there is a hint in there, a thread that you can see can be pulled to lead to redeemability, to redemption. And that the character does, in fact, unfold into something of a likeable person. They don’t have to become a good person, but that you can see some humanity comes out. We love curmudgeons. We love the cranky drunks. We love the vulgarians and the addicts and the criminals and the cowards and the neurotics and the selfish. I mean, look back at Bad News Bears.

**John:** Oh, yeah.

**Craig:** I mean, I want to carry with me a poster of Bad News Bears. And the next time someone says, “Well, I think this character isn’t quite likeable,” I’m just going to unfold it, circle Walter Matthau’s face and then smoosh that into their face so that whatever the sharpie I used to circle Walter Matthau’s face makes a weird sharpie smudge on their face and they got to walk around all day. And every time someone says, “Well, what’s with the sharpie smudge?” They go, “Oh, yeah, I said that a character should be likeable.” And they’ll be like, “Really? What about Walter Matthau?” And they’ll say, “Yeah. That’s where I got this.”

**John:** So it’ll be sort of like Ash Wednesday where people have smears on their faces but it’ll be the sort of — it’s the Sharpie Tuesday.

**Craig:** It’s Umbrage Tuesday.

**John:** It’s Umbrage Tuesday. It’s a new holiday that we’re instituting in Hollywood.

**Craig:** By the way, how great is it that Andrew Friedhof actually mentioned umbrage in his Nicholl speech? [laughs]

**John:** [laughs] Yeah, I know. If you just patented that word, I mean, we could have made some money here but no.

**Craig:** So much money.

**John:** You gave it away for free.

**Craig:** As you know, I insist on losing money.

**John:** So let’s try to unpack likeability, because I think when a studio development executive or a producer says “unlikeable,” let’s take a look at what they’re actually trying to say. I think sometimes they’re trying to say that they worry that an audience will see this character, not relate to this character, and will not want to follow him or her on their story. And unlikeable tends to be a note that you get at a character’s — not first introduction but early on as a character is going. And they’re worried that the audience is not going to go on the ride with the character because of things they’re saying, things they’re doing, that they are not engaged in the right way. So sometimes it’s because they’re taking actions which are offensive. But sometimes it’s because they’re not giving you anything to hold on to.

Is that where you see people using the word unlikeable?

**Craig:** I think so. But it seems to me that it’s almost more of a knee-jerk thing of they think that audiences are simple and have only two positions on their dial which is “Aw” and “Ew.”

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And that’s it. But that’s not true. In fact, “Ew,” contains an enormous amount of “Aw.” Take a look at Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets. He throws a dog down the garbage shoot. He’s homophobic. He’s racist. He’s mean. He’s cruel. He yells at children. And you love him because you can see under it “aw”.

So like I just said here, the character has self-awareness or a sense of redeemability. You see when he’s alone that he has a mental illness and that he’s struggling and you go, “Aw.” And we want that. We want it. And I just feel that sometimes — in truth, there is no redemption for this note. If you say to me — and I don’t get it a lot, but if you say, “Well, this character isn’t very likeable,” in my mind, you’re dead.

I don’t know how else to put it. You’re dead, because you have no risk in you. You have no interest in any kind of true complication to a person. Because the only people, I think, we are interested in in movies are the ones that have something about them that is unlikeable. I can go down movie by movie. You give me any movie, any character, I’m going to go, “Oh, there’s the thing that’s unlikeable about them.”

How much did you love Meryl Streep’s character in Doubt?

**John:** Oh, yeah. I understood where she was coming from. And that was the crucial distinction. If I understand what’s making them tick, I am fascinated and I like them even if I wouldn’t necessarily want to be in a room with them.

**Craig:** Right. Because there is also the implication that underneath the crust is something else. And then the question, why is the crust even there? You know, we want it. We want it. It’s just so weird. If anything, if I were in their position, I would give the note “This character is too likeable.”

This woman is just too — I like her so much. Why do I need to see her go through anything? Just leave her be, you know.

**John:** I think the other kind of unlikeability that people are confusing here is — so there’s how the reader/audience feels about the character. But it’s also how the characters within the universe respond to that character and how they’re responding to what he or she is doing.

So when you said Meryl Streep, I was thinking about Devil Wears Prada which is, again, an incredibly, on the surface, unlikeable character in the sense that like the people around her don’t like her. But because she’s functioning as a villain, that’s good. And that’s sort of what you’re going for.

Real life experience that I had, you know, for the last 15 years is the character of Will in Big Fish. So in the movie version that’s Billy Crudup’s character. And the notes I got from very early versions of the script and sort of all the way through the process is like, “We don’t like Will.” And it’s like, “Well, that’s fantastic because Will is basically me, so thank you for making me feel great about that.” I feel great about myself.

But I kept trying to unpack what people meant when they said that the character Will was unlikeable. And what they’re really saying is, “We really like Edward. And Will seems to be an obstacle to Edward. And that doesn’t make us feel happy. So something is wrong.” And what I was trying to communicate is like, “Well, they are serving as a protagonist-antagonist relationship. They’re going to push each other, and that is their function, and it’s what we’re trying to do.”

It wasn’t until we got to — in the musical version, we were in Chicago and we were still wrestling with this note, people said like, “We don’t like Will.” And we cast the most charismatic lovely actor you could imagine, Bobby Steggert. And people still would come to this note saying, “We don’t like Will.”

And ultimately what we discovered is people didn’t understand what was going on inside Will’s head. And that’s where we had to write a whole new song called Stranger which lets you actually — it give him an “I want” song that lets you sort of understand what it is he’s trying to do. And in writing that song and building the first act around that, suddenly all those “Will is unlikeable” notes started to go away. So I think a lot of times, when you’re hearing that likeability note, it’s that they’re confused about what the character is actually after or what the function of that character is in the story.

**Craig:** Right. And that’s how I get around it, usually. I mean, I think to myself, well, “I don’t want you to like anyone in my movie. I want you to hate them and love them both at the same time.”

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And you know, there’s that line, Sondheim’s line from Into the Woods, “You’re not good, you’re not bad, you’re just nice.”

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Nice is bad.

**John:** Nice is so bad.

**Craig:** We don’t want nice. I don’t want you to like anyone. And so you’re right, if they’re saying, “Well, I just don’t like him,” I think then part of the job is to say, “Here’s how I can make the audience engage with this person’s crustiness, with the bad part of them, with the part that’s kind of awful.” The “Ew” needs the “Aw,” you know.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And you just got to figure out how to get it in there so that you are delighted by them. And we know. Here’s the thing, that’s why this note makes me crazy. We know from a hundred years of cinema that audiences love villains. They love villains. They love them, you know. Usually, it’s your favorite part, you know. I mean, I think back to seeing Superman as a kid, Donner’s Superman. I mean, Gene Hackman makes the movie. I hate him and I love him. He’s awesome, you know.

And I don’t know, this is the one note that sends me over the moon. And so if you are a notes giver, I want you to strike this. Strike it away. And if you encounter a character that you’re not liking but you’re also not deliciously hating, then give that note. Say, “I want to really not like and love this person.” I want “Ew” and “Aw.”

**John:** The other thing I want to urge note givers to do is you’re not allowed to ask for likeability and edgy at the same time. And I so often find I’ll be in a conversation, like, “Could we just make this edgier but also make the characters likeable?” And those are conflicting notes and you will have nothing but tears if you try to do both things simultaneously.

**Craig:** Yeah. Notes like that, they are a cry for help. I really do believe that.

**John:** [laughs]

**Craig:** They are. This person is no longer thinking about a movie. They’re just frightened to death. And Lindsay Doran used to run Sydney Pollack’s company. And she said that Sydney had this thing where Lindsay would say, “I want this character to be — I want to love him but I also want him to be edgy.” And Sydney would say, “So you want a close up with feet?”

**John:** [laughs]

**Craig:** And that’s it. It’s like you can’t.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** You can’t have a close up with feet. But when I’m working with her —

**John:** You can frame it in kind of an impossible shot that would do it. Like if it was a yoga teacher, I could see what the close up would be.

**Craig:** [laughs] Exactly. And she we do this all the time to me. She would say something to me and I go, “That’s a close up with feet.” And you know what she would say that was amazing? She’d go, “I know but I want it.” And I would start to think, “Well —

**John:** If Lindsay wants it, you got to do it.

**Craig:** I wonder if there’s a way to make a close up with feet here. Or it would actually make me start thinking about how to be interesting and clever about certain things. But you know, she is not doing this, what you’re talking about. The edgy and likeable thing really is a cry for help.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Using the word edgy alone is a cry for help. It’s an indication that you’re drowning and maybe this business isn’t for you. I mean, one of the great episodes of The Simpsons was the Poochie episode.

**John:** Oh, just absolutely the best episode.

**Craig:** It’s seminal. It’s really important. And I mean that. It’s important for anyone to watch, to understand, how the kind of banal villain of Hollywood works. They want something that’s edgy. They want a paradigm shift. They want it to break the mold. And they want it to be out of the box.

They don’t know what any of these things mean. It’s ridiculous. Never. Never. Never ever say — don’t say edgy. There’s other words. There are better words that mean something. I don’t know what the hell edgy even means.

**John:** No one knows. The other thing I don’t know what it means is confusing. And so, this is a note I will get saying like “This section is confusing” or “I like it but it’s confusing.” And whenever they’re saying “It’s confusing,” I try to sort out whether they’re saying, “I am confused” or “I’m worried that a theoretical audience will be confused.” Because when you actually ask that question, you can suss out whether there’s something that they fundamentally didn’t get that I actually need as a writer to fix in there so they actually understand sort of what the intention is. Or are they just worried that the audience is so much stupider than they are that the audience won’t understand what something is going to be. And they want to dumb it down for the audience.

And what’s frustrating about the “It’s confusing” note is that confusion by itself is not a bad thing. If you look at the stories you love, at certain points in any story you’re going to be confused and your confusion leads to curiosity. And curiosity makes you lean into the movie and really care about what’s happening next. It makes you want to solve the problem. If everything is just completely straightforward and you sort of know what’s going to happen the whole time, there’s no point in watching the movie.

So the trick for the screenwriter is balancing confusion with, you know, clarity so that the audience and the reader feel like they know enough about what’s happening right now, but they’re really curios about how these things are going to resolve. And the answers to those questions are going to be hopefully rewarding. And that’s my frustration with confusion is that so often underneath that note is the desire to smooth out any possible wrinkles.

**Craig:** Well, you know, you said a lot of things that are very insightful here. And I think that what’s really underneath it and what really bothers me about this note, at least for me, is that there’s a hubris involved. Because you’re right. What you’re saying — you’re asking a first question which is, when you say “It is confusing” like that’s a fact, are you saying, “I am confused” or are you predicting that an audience member would be confused?

And furthermore, when you say this blithely, are you saying it in ignorance of the fact that this question is the one that we preoccupy ourselves almost the most with. The titration of information is the name of the game for screenwriting. What do I tell you? How much do I tell you? How much do I mislead? How much do I conceal? How much do I misdirect? We’re thinking about this all the time.

So yes, every now and then, we’re going to get it wrong. You and I see this when we see Three Page Challenges and we’ll often comment, “Well, we’ve crossed the line from mysterious into befuddling,” you know. And so mystery good, befuddling bad. And what is the factor that rules over everything? Intention. As long as you’re intending me to feel this, great. If you weren’t intending me to feel this, bad. That’s a great discussion.

When these people, when they wander in and they’re like, “Well, I read this part. It was confusing.” No. No, no, no. You don’t get to say it like that. Ever. Because you are discounting that there’s so much more calculation that went into this than you can imagine.

What you need to say is either, “I was confused, so let’s figure out how to match intention to result.” Or you need to say, “I am worried that an audience will be confused by this.” At which point, I often say things like, “I’ll tell you what, let’s put some things in here that are modular.” We know we can lift them if we need to so we’re not stuck with them. But if this section needs training wheels for people, here’s some training wheels. And if it doesn’t, we won’t have to use it, right? We’ll have the option. Because I’m thinking about that all the time. And the truth is I’ve never been to a test screening where at least, at some point, the audience was confused by something that I thought was going to be painfully obvious and thought something that I thought was going to be really mysterious was painfully obvious. It’s like you are always surprised at some point, so I get that.

But the hubris involved of just saying “It is confusing.” No, you are an idiot.

**John:** Yeah. It’s a state. And whether that state is internal to the person or inherent to the text. I think most development executives are comfortable talking about a character arc. And so when we talk about likeability, we talk about, you know, hopefully we go from this place where we see the character in this one state and they grow and become a better person at the end of the story.

Well, stories have an arc as well. And so there should be confusion. It should be murky and befuddling. And it should arrive at a point of clarity, hopefully, by the end. And so sometimes you can deflect some of those confusion notes with “This is the point. This is the journey of the story. This is how the mystery is unfolding.” And if you can do that and talk about it, usually with character intention, and make sure that it’s really clear what the characters are trying to do moment by moment. Some of that confusion goes away.

Oftentimes, I like to do what’s called a freeze frame where you just, like, look, stop a scene and like look at all the characters on the screen. And just point to each one and say, like, “What is that character trying to do?” And if you don’t know what the characters are trying to do, you do have a problem. That’s really a reason to stop and rethink what’s going on there. But if you understand what all the characters are trying to do, it’s okay that what’s going to happen next in the story is a little confusing. As long as you believe that the characters know what they’re attempting to do next.

**Craig:** Exactly. Exactly.

**John:** Oh, these notes. All these notes. This all ties in very well to an article that you flagged for us. This comes from Slate by Forrest Wickman called Against Subtlety. And do you want to summarize Forrest’s argument here?

**Craig:** Well, it’s a bit long. I guess we’ll zero in on the part that I found kind of cut to his thesis here. He was talking about, I guess, our evolution in our relationship with things that are subtle versus things that are on-the-nose. He says, you know, it was once true that saying that something was “on-the-nose” was actually kind of a good thing. It’s like, “Great, you nailed it.” [laughs]

So he says, “A reasonably as a decade ago, ‘on-the-nose’ typically meant something positive. Most dictionaries haven’t even added the new definition yet, keeping instead only the century-old meaning of ‘exactly right’ or ‘on target.’ Now, calling out the on-the-noseness is practically its own sport. We spot it in a callback to an eight-year-old episode of Mad Men, the title of an episode of Wayward Pines, the appearance of some portentous-seeming oranges in Breaking Bad, or even the lighting and staging of Nashville.

“And so we mock obvious symbolism. We cringe at message movies and melodrama and novels that too readily reveal what they mean. And we roll our eyes at too-clear subtextual signaling even when we sit down to watch wonderfully unsubtle programs on TV. If we no longer hold the high above the low, why do we still hold the subtle above the unsubtle?”

So he’s coming at this — and I understand there is kind of a thing where you think, “Well, if I got it then it couldn’t have been that interesting, so it’s bad.” [laughs] You know, I mean, whereas things that are — I guess, the average person’s cynical viewpoint of the fancy moviegoer is somebody that likes to sit in the movie that makes absolutely no damn sense whatsoever, and then walk out and go, “Yes. Yes. Intriguing. I think what he was trying to say…” And so he is kind of taking the other side of that.

**John:** Another way of looking at it is by fetishizing subtlety, we are encouraging filmmakers to sort of not actually be clear at times. Or just sort of actually not make the point. Like, if you made the point then you’ve missed you the point in a strange way.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And that is, I think, a dangerous thing to do. And it ties very well into this idea of confusion. And sort of, you know, you sort of leave with these muddled messes that sort of don’t quite arrive anywhere. And you say like, “Oh, it was very subtle.” It’s like, “Yeah, but we didn’t actually get anywhere.” And that can be a real challenge.

**Craig:** Well, I think that Mr. Wickman is making a slight mistake here in his essay and it’s a mistake of perspective. Because when he’s talking about “we,” I think what he means is we, the people who are critics, not reviewers, but engage in, you know, cinematic criticism of films or content. That we, on our side over here, are struggling with this. And I would respond that “you” on the other side over there are struggling with a lot of things. And that, in fact, audiences and writers understand that they have engaged in a contract whereby some things will be made clear.

Clumsy symbolism is a thing. We all know clumsy symbolism, but that doesn’t — the problem with clumsy symbolism isn’t that we hate being informed or that we hate that something is revealed to us. It’s that it’s bad. So the example that comes to mind, although he is a, you know, a giant of cinema, Martin Scorsese put that rat in at the end of The Departed and I think everybody went, “Well, yeah. Yes, he is a rat.” You know, that just felt hamfisted.

But no, I don’t think audiences sit down and do what he’s describing audiences do. I think that these people do it. And it’s certainly of no great help to the creator of something. Obviously, we are again trying to gauge and do math, and just as I said, we’re always doing the calculus of how much information. We’re always doing the calculus of, “Okay. Well, how much of this stuff should be really indicative or subtle? How much of it should be things that people can tease out with each other on Reddit like a puzzle if we engage in that at all?”

But I don’t think that we, creating-wise, have a problem. And I don’t think the audience has a problem. I think that this is a problem of people who engage in critical analysis, because so often I think their profession comes down to say something new. And if everyone gets it, well then it’s not very new. Therefore, it must not be good. That’s where the logical mistake is made.

**John:** What you were talking about before in our confusion discussion, about how sometimes you will write additional things that will be modular, that we cab hopefully take out in case people are not getting them. Some of those things are designed to be less subtle. So like, if things are so subtle that no one is actually understanding what the point was, that’s where you put that thing back in that makes it less subtle. And you and I have both been through test screenings where after the test screenings it’s like, “Crap, we’re going to have to put in a line of ADR dialogue over somebody’s back to actually spell something out because people are just not fundamentally getting it.” That something was too subtle or was too easy to miss and therefore people can’t actually understand it.

I think one of the challenges about movies overall is that movies keep playing forward at 24 frames per second. So when you’re reading a book, you can stop and go back and flip through a few more pages and really dig into sort of what’s going on, really how it’s feeling, like how it’s landing for you. Like, did you miss something? Movies keep chugging along. So if you’re sitting in a dark theater, it has to make sense the first time through. And because of that, sometimes things can’t be quite as subtle as they would be in a book. And that’s a fundamental nature of movies.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** The other thing I wanted to look at is, this essay is titled “Against Subtlety.” And I think — I’ll try to find the link to it, but there’s also another Slate article about “Against Against.” So this whole form of an argument is when you title your article against something, you have to sort of stake a big claim about sort of “This is the way things are and this is not the way things should be,” which is actually sort of absurd. And so there’s a middle ground which is it has to make enough sense for the audience to understand what the intention was but not be so obvious that it feels like you were just beating them over the head with it. And finding that line is really challenging especially when it’s not one artistic voice behind things but it’s a committee. A bunch of people have to come to an agreement about what those lines are going to be.

**Craig:** And furthermore, the arbiter is a population. It’s not an individual. So you can make the argument that if you create a piece of art and two out of ten people understand it and eight don’t, that you shouldn’t change it because you made it for those two people. The thing is, for what we do, we don’t have that luxury because people have invested not our money, we’re not paying for it. Other people are paying for it and they don’t settle for that. They want eight out ten people to understand it. They would really like ten out of ten people to understand it. So you don’t have the luxury of tuning yourself to the smartest or the most puzzle-oriented audience member.

You know, he cites some reviews of Spielberg’s movies. And one after another, they were accused of being heavy-handed, so was Hitchcock, so was Kubrick. Kubrick, for God’s sake. So is Wilder for God’s sake. And then he talks about how Great Gatsby initially was. Apparently, here are some phrases applied to it by critics when it came out. “Painfully forced. Not strikingly subtle.” And even in 2013, New York Magazine disdained the book for being, “Full of low-hanging symbols.”

Well, you know, I would like to punch New York Magazine right through itself. They aren’t full of low-hanging symbols. You know why we think Great Gatsby is full of low-hanging symbols? Because it’s instructed to us as children. And the way it’s instructed to us in part is through symbology.

The fact of the matter is that you don’t need to know that the glasses of T.J. Eckleburg — I think that’s his name — represent the eyes of God. Because as you read the book, they impart a certain feeling to you. I think the last person that wanted his book torn apart like that would be Fitzgerald. And yet that’s what literary analysis does. And now, it turns around and blames people for not being subtle enough because they figured it out. I don’t blame crossword puzzle creators for writing a crossword puzzle that I can solve.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It’s just dumb. And furthermore, I don’t need to solve movies. I can just have a feeling. I’m okay giving myself in and giving myself into a book and just thinking how eerie it is that those glasses seem to be there staring down, staring down. That’s a feeling. I don’t need to go further with it to enjoy the book. And I would argue that for most people that put some kind of evocative symbolism in their work, they don’t want it to be interpreted like an English teacher would either.

**John:** I think you’re absolutely right. The last thing I would say about the difference between film and other arts is that we make movies for big giant screens. And so sometimes you put things on a big giant screen, those symbols look really huge. And so your perspective on what that is telling you, it’s going to be very different based on the context of how you’re seeing it. But we also have to make our movies so that they make sense on an airplane seatback.

And so because we don’t have full control over what the experience will be when you’re seeing this film, you may make some choices that are going to split the difference, hopefully, in a way that suits most people seeing your film. And I think where I often find that is in the sound mix, because the sound mix is where you’re going to make sure that people are able to hear those crucial things that have to be heard even if it makes things a little less realistic.

The color mix will be the same kind of situation where you’re doing your color timing to figure out what the look of your film is going to be. Well, if you are on a great screen, you could go really dark and people will still be able to figure stuff out. But if you try to take that exact same color timing and play it on, you know, a crappy TV, you will not be able to see anything. And so there’s reasons why subtlety may not be possible because of the technological limitations.

**Craig:** Yeah. And I think this is why critics who consume culture at a rate and quantity far beyond what it’s intended will gravitate towards things that other people find confounding. Simply because they are doing that thing in their minds, that Groucho thing. Why would I want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member? Why would I want to like any movie that I understand?

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I get it. So therefore, how good could that be?

**John:** Couldn’t be good at all.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** Let’s do our last topic today which is books and novelists who adapt their own books. So this came up because just last week while I was in Austin, I was on a long phone call with an author whose book I really think is great. So he and I were having a conversation about the possibility of trying to make it into a movie. And it was an interesting conversation because he has also written screenplays. And so he was excited to have me potentially be involved. But he also wanted to write the screenplay himself. And that is a challenging discussion.

But it ended up being a really good discussion because I got to talk through, I think, some of the real pros and some of the real cons of novelists trying to adapt their own books. And Craig and I haven’t rehearsed this at all so I’m really curious what he thinks about it.

There have been good examples recently of authors adapting their own work. And sometimes being spectacularly good. So I’m thinking of Gillian Flynn with Gone Girl. I love the book. She did a great job adapting that for Fincher. And Emma Donoghue just did that with Room, which is her book. She wrote a great screenplay for that. But you also have J.K. Rowling who didn’t adapt the Harry Potter books. Steve Kloves did those, and I thought did a great job adapting those books and making a whole cinematic universe for those. And now, she has come around and she’s doing The Beasts and Where to Find Them, and that’s her first screenplay screenplay.

So there’s definitely, from this author’s perspective who I was talking to on Friday, I can see why he might be really into the idea of like, “Oh, I’ll do it myself because I actually know the characters. I know the world. I know the universe. I can protect my work to some degree.” And I had to sort of make the counter arguments about they’re fundamentally different forms. And that his trying to hold on to things from the book was ultimately going to hurt it at as a movie.

**Craig:** Well, first of all I love that you said that we didn’t rehearse this implying we’ve ever rehearsed anything. [laughs] Maybe you do. I literally have never rehearsed anything in my life.

**John:** Well, we did not pre-discuss. We haven’t talked through like sort of what our different talking points will be on this.

**Craig:** This is true. As it turns out, I am very sympathetic to your point of view on this. It is interesting. Traditionally, authors would not adapt their own novels because not only because there was the concern that maybe they’re moving into an art form that doesn’t really belong to them or isn’t their second nature but studios in particular I thought were very suspicious of this. Because, you know, their whole attitude is it’s a movie, I don’t care about this book. Sometimes they love every part of the book. Sometimes they just like the idea of the book.

I’m in the middle of adapting a book now that’s going to be a very loose adaptation. The prior adaptation of a book I did was an extraordinary loose adaptation because that’s what everybody agreed was the right thing to do. And in those cases, it’s quite evident that the last thing you want is the novelist doing that and I would imagine the last thing the novelist would want to do would be to do that. But there are these interesting new novelists now and you list three of them. Is it Gillian?

**John:** It’s Gillian. I looked it up.

**John:** I thought —

**John:** Because I heard someone say it and it’s Gillian Flynn.

**Craig:** So Gillian Flynn, Emma Donoghue, and J.K Rowling. All three of them, well two of them have already proved it.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And I suspect that Joanne Rowling is going to do a good job. She is incredibly smart. I mean, just so obviously smart and more importantly, she understands an audience I think better than practically any other novelist I’ve ever read. I love her books and she just knows the audience so well. Steve Kloves and I think Michael Goldenberg did one of them. All those movies were brilliantly screen-written. They kind of curated those novels gorgeously and even though those films were I think quite, quite loyal, I mean extraordinarily loyal to the novels, the screenwriters managed to kind of get the best of both worlds. And I suspect that she’s — I don’t know her, I would love to — but I suspect that she’s a student. And, you know, she’s often said that Hermione is her. Well, if she’s Hermione, she’s going to be a real student. She’s going to sit down and talk to people. She’s going to read those screenplays again. I bet she’s going to spend some time with Mr. Kloves to talk about how he did it and I bet she does a great job because she knows that it’s different.

**John:** Yeah, so I think there’s definitely examples of writers who are great at doing both things and to those writers, I say full speed ahead, all credit.

The conversation I had with this writer was about his book and how there were certain characters. Here’s a great example. I asked how old is this main character and he said, “Well, it’s written for kids who are, you know, 10 to 12 so sort of in that range. Readers really want to relate to somebody who is about their age or just a little bit older so in that range. It could be up to 14.” And I said, “How old is the character?” Because in a screenplay, a character is going to be one age. That character is going to be one actor. We’re going to cast somebody in that role. And it’s not going to be the audience. It’s going to be one actual actor and so we need to know how old that boy is and that’s going to fundamentally change the nature of the universe around him.

I had to ask about sort of these characters who are in the second and third act and what is their actual relationship, are they the same person, are they different things, are they manifestations of one thing or another? And it’s really fun in the book, because it’s sort of ambiguous. But I said, “It’s not going to be ambiguous in the movie. They’re going to have to be one thing or two things. It’s a fundamental question that has to be answered. ” He’s like, “Yeah, well, we’ll have to get to that.” The challenge is that like all the things that were delightfully ambiguous in the book could not be delightfully ambiguous in the movie because movies are one fixed expression of the possibilities that the book lays out.

**Craig:** Yeah, you certainly put your finger on it there. I mean, we talked about it earlier, part of the fun of writing in prose is anything is possible. And one of the miseries but also comforts of screenwriting is almost nothing is possible because you have to shoot it. You have to shoot it and so your job is to try and make impossible things appear on screen in possible ways. And similarly, you’ll see, I think, novels, novels can wander.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** They can be very lax. They can expand and collapse moments as they wish. This becomes harder to do in movies particularly as you’re getting towards the end.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** When people simply need to go to the bathroom and they’re running out of patience because they aren’t reading this and then putting it down and calling someone on the phone. They are captive.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And so it is a different relationship that you have with them. It is an interesting thing and I think that there are probably — just as I would argue most screenwriters would make bad novelists, I would argue that most novelists would make bad screenwriters. There’s a reason we do what we do. And then of course there are those brilliant few, and hopefully you’re one of them, that can move between those two worlds. So, and I thought, you know, Gone Girl was a terrific example of how to do that.

**John:** Yeah, absolutely. And what she recognized in Gone Girl is that the essential conceit that she made the book where she had these alternating chapters and ultimately it broke and you sort of saw a revelation sort of at the midpoint. The movie was able to do that but it was only able to do that because it had built a very different rhythm going up to it and built enough goodwill in the audience that it was going to be able to make a huge change and have that be successful. And she had to build a really different engine to sort of get you through that huge shift that she’s made.

Emma Donoghue, you haven’t seen Room yet and I don’t want to spoil anything about it. Where I think — I mean, I think she really did a terrific adaptation. There are a few moments I quibbled with and I recognized that afterwards I think the reason why those didn’t work as well for me is because in the book version, you have full insight. You know what’s going on inside a character’s head and you recognize that the whole story ultimately becomes the boy’s perspective on sort of what the situation is and her misunderstanding, in some cases, of what the situation is. So when you see that in the movie though, you’re naturally going to be in a more third-person perspective. And so you’re seeing there are two scenes which I was watching and I didn’t understand why the characters were doing what they were doing. And I think I was sort of not supposed to because it’s really kind of in the boy’s point of view. And it was frustrating for the audience.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And frustrating for me. And that is a real limitation, I think, of sort of the medium. I don’t think it’s necessarily an easily solvable problem. I’m not saying a different screenwriter would have done a different or a better job of that, but it was a limitation that the form put on this story that wouldn’t have been there in the novel version.

**Craig:** Yeah, I think that adaptation is hard enough. When you’re self-adapting, the pitfalls are that many more and that deeper.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** You just have to tread extremely carefully and you also in a weird way have to tread with great humility.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Because the achievement of the novel does not guarantee the achievement of the screenplay in any way, shape, or form. You are essentially starting at esteemed zero.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** So you just need to be aware of that.

**John:** If I could offer any thought for why a different screenwriter might not have hit that same trap is he or she would have maybe seen that like I’m not going to be able to communicate what’s really going on in the scene and therefore I can’t actually have this scene happen. I think you would have written through those sequences differently recognizing that the limitations you’re putting on yourself are going to make this scene which is probably really good in the book not actually make sense in this movie version.

**Craig:** Correct.

**John:** And again, it’s a challenge because that’s an incredibly successful popular book and the more popular a book is, the harder it is to change anything fundamental about the plot. And that is a real issue. Obviously, the Harry Potter books had to wrestle with that. Everyone knew every beat of those Harry Potter books. With Big Fish, no one had read that book and so I could change everything in that book and no one knew or cared. There was another book I was involved with where when I set it up, it was an obscure little book and then it became a much, much bigger book and it became clear that the things I thought I was going to need to change were not going to be possible to change because it was a bestseller and that’s a challenge.

**Craig:** No question. It’s really why I marvel actually at how good Kloves did. It’s kind of amazing because the books are enormous. And, you know, it’s funny, the first book wasn’t short. It wasn’t what I would call long. It was on the longer side for young adult fiction but then the books got bigger and bigger and bigger. By the time you got to the end, it was massive. And he just got it all, like he got everything you wanted. And you never felt cheated in any way. He understood that. And I think about this when I’m adapting things now. What I’m looking for are those moments when things change and the stuff in between them, you are going to have to compress and perhaps simplify. It’s the things that matter. Those are the things that you actually want to take all the time with. That’s why the book worked, you know.

**John:** Yeah, I think the biggest observation people have about the difference between the movies and the books is Ron’s character and something that is just dealing with sort of who you actually have in that role, and when you have a flesh and blood person in that part, he, to me, feels different in the movie than he does in the books. And I like them both but I think Kloves had to recognize this is who I have, these are the skills that this actor has, which are great, and I think that the character plays differently to me on screen than it does on the page. But they both work.

**Craig:** One thing that movies do better than anything is engage us emotionally. It’s a rare thing to read a book and start crying. It’s an incredibly common thing to see a movie and start crying.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I’ve cried at Adam Sandler movies. [laughs] I mean, on purpose. You know, they connect with us. So when you watch a Harry Potter film, Harry’s story occupies this enormous emotional space from who he is, how he was born, to what he must become, to the things he goes through. He is repeatedly tortured and tortured and tortured. And that is so effective that to then ask the audience to now look over here at this emotional space and this person’s internal life, “Isn’t this rough?” It is rough. It’s rough that Ron comes from a poor family and he’s on the bad end of a classist stick. It’s just not the same as your parents being murdered and you being the chosen one and have Voldemort having a piece of you in him and wanting to kill you and you having to actually let yourself die in order to save the world because you’re Jesus. It’s just not the same.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It’s not the same like, you know, the New Testament doesn’t really go into like what was going on with Mark at home, you know.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** But he was there. He was watching in the story that we cared about.

**John:** And therefore, we can only see Mark’s home story as it relates to Harry and so that’s why we’re not going to go home with Ron unless Harry is there.

**Craig:** And it’s why Rosencrantz and Guildenstern is so much fun because you can say, “Well, what if that was all of the emotional space?” You know. And I love stories like that where you just go sideways and you go, “Well, what if this was the story?”

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And it’s funny, it’s actually something I’m trying to do right now on another thing and I love that but you have to understand if you’ve written a novel where three people have their own beautifully articulated emotional spaces, it’s going to be hard for an audience to actually split their attention that way. Our emotional tension is almost always focused on one person or one relationship.

**John:** Yup, I agree.

All right. Let’s talk through our One Cool Things. My One Cool Thing, god, we’ve talked a lot about books today but mine is a book. It is Bartleby, the Scrivener which is a Herman Melville book which I read while I was in Austin. It’s super short, like you can read it in one sitting. It’s 99 cents on Kindle but totally worth reading. And the very basic plot summary is you have a lawyer on Wall Street who has scriveners who are people who are copyists, who make copies of contracts. And he hires this one guy who ultimately just refuses to work and yet the lawyer can’t quite fire him or can’t quite get him to leave his office. And that’s the entire plot of the story and yet it’s just delightful and delightfully well-written.

And the reason I heard about is because Slate did a thing where they took Bartleby, the Scrivener and they have the whole text, although I think it’s challenging to read the whole text in one long webpage. But they did essentially like a director’s commentary or like a filmmaker’s commentary on it. And so they have all these little footnotes and sidebars on the edge to talk through the different criticism and the different things that are actually happening in the story because it’s a short enough text that you can actually like really look at it from a bunch of different perspectives and sort of like what is this story even about because it’s deliberately ambiguous. And so, it was just a great example of trying to take something that doesn’t want to have a director’s commentary and put one on there so you can look at both the text and the surrounding information simultaneously. So I will link to both Bartleby, the Scrivener and the version of it that Andrew Kahn did for Slate where you can see all the notes about it.

**Craig:** I will check that out. What else could my One Cool Thing be but The Room Three.

**John:** So I did not even know this existed until I saw it here on the outline.

**Craig:** Very excited. So The Room was a One Cool Thing. The Room Two was a One Cool Thing. And now The Room Three is a One Cool Thing. For those of you who are not initiated, The Room series is a game for iOS or Android and it is essentially a mysterious occult themed puzzle game. The controls are just as simple as touching. There’s no moving around really and you are solving a series of beautifully rendered, creepy, awesome puzzles. You’re always in a room. You’re always interacting with some bizarre object that moves and opens and unfolds and transforms and it’s just beautiful. And they’ve done it again. And each one has been a little bit bigger than the one before it and they are so smart. I think it’s Fireproof is the name of the developer and they are so smart because they understand that you don’t need that much new. You just need to re-experience it and to get back into that vibe. It’s wonderful. Play it with your headphones on and volume way up. I love it. I mean, I got it on Wednesday, I’m already 60 percent of the way done and I’m bummed out because it’s going to be over soon. Yeah, but it’s great.

**John:** So pretty much anything with Room in it is recommended. So we love The Room the game. I loved Room the movie. Of course the other movie, The Room is a classic.

**Craig:** “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa.”

**John:** And Craig, the four of us need to do a locked room puzzle because we’ve never done one of those and I suspect you’re terrifically good at those.

**Craig:** Well, I’d like to think I’m really, really good at them but I’m okay at them. You know, I’ve done now three and I’ve gotten out of one out of them. So I usually go with Megan Amram who everybody should be familiar with. She wrote on Parks and Rec. She now writes on Silicon Valley and she also has a book out about science, Science… For Her! I think is sort of a parody —

**John:** I have the book.

**Craig:** Yeah, it’s great. She is amazing. And David Kwong, my favorite magician, and Chris Miller of Lord and Miller. So we go with a bunch people, Melisa goes, and they’re great. They’re so much fun but, you know, they’re hard.

**John:** They’re hard.

**Craig:** They’re hard. We did get out of one of them in almost record time. I felt good about that.

**John:** Very nice. And that concludes our episode of Scriptnotes. So if you would like to subscribe to Scriptnotes, please go over to iTunes and click subscribe and while you’re there leave a comment. It helps other people find our show which is lovely. Show notes for this episode and all episodes are at johnaugust.com/podcast or /scriptnotes, that’ll work fine. Scriptnotes.net is where you go for all those back episodes, all the way back to episode one plus bonus episodes like the live Three Page Challenge we did in Austin and the Drew Goddard episode. If you would like to send us a note, Twitter is the best place for short messages, I am @johnaugust, Craig is @clmazin. For longer messages, write into ask@johnaugust.com. Our outro this week is by Matthew Chilelli who also edited the show. Thank you, Matthew. Our show is produced, as always, by Stuart Friedel. And that is it. Craig, thank you again.

**Craig:** Thanks, John.

Links:

* [The Austin Film Festival](https://www.austinfilmfestival.com/)
* Sign up for a premium subscription at [scriptnotes.net](http://scriptnotes.net/) for access to bonus episodes, like this week’s [2015 Austin Three Page Challenge](http://scriptnotes.net/three-page-challenge-austin-2015) and [John’s interview with Drew Goddard](http://scriptnotes.net/drew-goddard-the-origin-story)
* Man Up on [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man_Up_(film)) and [Apple Trailers](http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/independent/manup/), and writer Tess Morris on [IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2208729/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/TheTessMorris)
* [2015 Nicholl Screenwriting Awards: Andrew Friedhof](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flcUaT0QhLk&feature=youtu.be) on YouTube
* Follow John’s progress on [his NaNoWriMo profile](http://nanowrimo.org/participants/john-august/novels/the-forest-909268/stats)
* Los Angeles Times on [Melissa Mathison](http://www.latimes.com/local/obituaries/la-me-melissa-mathinson-dies-story.html)
* [Against Subtlety](http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/culturebox/2015/11/against_subtlety_the_case_for_heavy_handedness_in_art.html) from Slate
* Herman Melville’s Bartleby, the Scrivener [on Project Gutenberg](http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11231), and the [interactive, annotated version from Slate](http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/culturebox/2015/10/herman_melville_s_bartleby_the_scrivener_an_interactive_annotated_text.html)
* [The Room Three](http://www.fireproofgames.com/games/the-room-three-2) from Fireproof Games
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Matthew Chilelli ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))

Scriptnotes, Ep 184: Go Set a Spider-Man — Transcript

February 19, 2015 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](http://johnaugust.com/2015/go-set-a-spider-man).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** Uh, uh, uh, uh, my name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** And this is episode 184 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Craig, you are in the thick of it.

**Craig:** I’m in the thick of it. Every now and then, you get a writing job that is truly a job.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Okay. You have three weeks. We’re shooting a movie. Fix a whole bunch of stuff. Go very, very fast — faster, [laughs] faster.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Please write for budget, please write for schedule, please write what the movie stars want, please write what the studio wants, please write what the producer wants. Listen to everybody, do everything right. Get it right the first time. Go, go, go, go, go.

**John:** Yeah. And I’ve been in your situation before and I know how stressful it is. And then I remember that people who write for one-hour dramas on television, that’s their life every day. As tough as it is for us, at least at some point, you’ll be able to hand this in and say, “Bye. Enjoy making the movie.” Versus a TV show, you turn this in and they’ll be like, “Oh, your next script is already late.”

**Craig:** The only thing I’ll say —

**John:** Mm-hmm.

**Craig:** In our defense —

**John:** Okay.

**Craig:** Is that while episodic television is brutal, particularly primetime network episodic television where you’re doing 26, 22?

**John:** Yeah, it’s 22, but it keeps cranking up —

**Craig:** Keeps cranking up.

**John:** Because they want more.

**Craig:** So you’re doing a ton of these things. But the characters are there, the voices are there, the settings are there, a lot of the plots have been broken before or at least the general storylines. You know, you’re not shouldering this burden of all of it and kind of building a train as it’s rolling down the tracks. That’s the scary stuff.

**John:** Absolutely.

**Craig:** But, you know.

**John:** What you’re doing is a little bit more analogous to shooting the pilot where it’s just like there’s a real question like what is this thing even —

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Supposed to be?

**Craig:** That’s right.

**John:** And there’s a lot of competing voices for what this thing is supposed to be.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** The challenge of course of network TV or really any TV is you could be already making the thing and they could tell you, “No, it’s not the thing that we want you to be making.” And then you’re going to have to deal with stuff you’ve already shot, stuff that’s going to come down the pipe, it’s just — it’s bad.

**Craig:** Yeah, this is the stuff where you just want to be able to say to people who are observers or analysts of movies and how movies are made, I just wish that we could all work in some sort of Plexiglas booth so they can watch and go, “Oh…”

**John:** “Now, I understand.”

**Craig:** “Oh, that’s why sometimes movies are the way they are.” [laughs] And the crazy thing is sometimes it works.

**John:** Sometimes it works brilliantly and sometimes that pressure cooker creates great stuff, so.

**Craig:** Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. All I know about this is certainly these jobs are difficult and they are exhausting. And it’s a little bit like giving birth, I think. You know, my wife said after our first kid, “Well, I’m not doing that again.” And then she did. You sort of forget because time passes and then you’re like, “Yeah, yeah, it’s no big deal.” So, whatever, two, three weeks. Whoop-tee Doo. You know, these two, three weeks, they feel like five years.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** They feel like five years. So anyway, I’m almost out of the woods on it. I’m doing the best I can. And in many ways, it’s been a lot of fun. But I’m a little a tie-tie.

**John:** I understand it.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Today, we’re going to walk you through a very gentle discussion of many different topics, some of them suggested by our readers. We have follow-up on previous episodes, talking about Gravity, talking about Australian television, some suggestions about the premium feed, a question about film by credit.

And then because rights are so much in the news these days, we have three sort of related stories about film rights and how much studios want to hold onto things. So it’s a good continuation of our chain of title discussion.

**Craig:** Great. I thought that our, I don’t pat myself on the back very often for our podcast. But I thought our last podcast about the Gravity situation was one of our better podcasts.

**John:** I’m really happy with our episode. It was one of our more sort of detailed and planned going into it episodes where we really figured out what we were going to talk about. And this is going to be completely the opposite of that because I literally just put the notes together about half an hour ago.

**Craig:** Great.

**John:** But we can start with a follow-up question about Gravity.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** So, Nick writes, “Let’s say that there is indeed absolutely no evidence that Gravity, the movie, was based on Gravity, the book. However, what if there were evidence that the screenplay, what Gerritsen did subsequent to publishing the book was directly lifted and used in Cuarón’s movie?” So essentially, what if she really did write some other stuff and somehow Cuarón or Warner Bros read this stuff and tried to incorporate it into the movie?

So her book was not utilized, but her script work was. What kind of case would she be able to make against the WB? Certainly, nothing about her book contract would necessarily directly apply. But would there be an arbitration claim? What would the scenario be like if the work she had done that wasn’t part of the book somehow made it into the movie, Gravity?

**Craig:** I’m going to presume that she is aware of this. I’m going to presume that prior to the movie coming out, she is aware that in this scenario that the movie has appropriated what she believes is work that she’s done in her screenplay stuff.

Now, if she’s written this material and it was not purchased by the studio and then she lobbed the charge here, most likely what would happen is the following. There would be, yes, it would be a WGA issue. There would be pre-arbitration. So a pre-arbitration and/or a participating writer investigation which is sort of like a pre-pre-arbitration, where you’re trying to figure out is this person a participating writer, did they provide literary material that was used on screen for this movie?

If that’s the case, the studio is going to need to give her a contract for her work, pay her at least minimum, and then Ms. Gerritsen would become a participating writer for the purposes of arbitration, and then her material would be entered into the arbitration, and people would decide, “Okay, does she deserve screen credit or not?”

Now, the tricky part here with this is if that were the case, the next question would be a non-WGA question. This would be a question for her attorney and that would be does the stuff that she’s written that ends up in the movie, is that so closely related to the material in the book that we can now assume that the book is part of the chain of title here, that this is a derivative work of her book, in which case, we’re back to this contract claim situation.

**John:** And so, in our discussion of Gravity, this last episode, we noticed we didn’t really bring the Writers Guild into it at all. And usually, when we talk about credits and we talk about sort of who’s the author of the movie, we’re always bringing it up the Writers Guild. Because the Writers Guild is who determines, in US movies, who gets screenplay credit, who gets written by credit. All that is the screenwriting work of creating a movie.

The Gerritsen case is about these underlying rights to this novel and her belief that the underlying rights to her novel were utilized to make the movie, Gravity, and Warner is saying, “Uh-uh. That’s not what happened.” So if she truly had created screenplay material that somehow made it into the movie, and again, it’s not just like a Warner’s executive says like, “Hey, you know what would be a great idea is if this kind of thing happens.” It has to be real material that makes it in.

If that somehow happened, then that becomes — that enters into the universe of the Writers Guild. But independent of that, it would never be a Writers Guild thing. And I think a lot of times people assume that, “Oh, well the Writers Guild handles everything related to rights in movies.” And that’s not actually correct. Everything that is sort of underlying material is ultimately something that’s being dealt with in contracts and copyright law. It’s only when you have to figure out who gets that written by credit on a movie that that underlying material becomes a factor for arbitrations and for the Writers Guild.

**Craig:** Yeah, “Written by,” Story by,” “Screenplay by,” and so forth. I mean, the Writers Guild has control over what their deal with the companies gives them control over. It’s entirely tautological. So we have a collective bargaining agreement like any labor union does with the companies. And Theatrical Schedule A, which is online if you choose to read it if you’re suffering from —

**John:** Masochist.

**Craig:** Insomnia one night or you’re a masochist.

Theatrical Schedule A lays out exactly what the rights are of the Writers Guild and how these processes are handled, and what the procedures are. And from that comes our Screen Credits Manual and all that. There have been cases. I know of some where writers have said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re using some of my stuff that you never bought.” And the companies have had to very quickly buy it, and naturally, they don’t have a lot in the way of leverage, you know.

**John:** Yup.

**Craig:** So one of the things that the Writers Guild has raised a red flag about numerous times, and it’s not germane to the Gerritsen case, but there’s this odious practice of inviting multiple writers in to pitch on projects to try and get a job. And then sometimes the studio executives will say or sometimes the producers will say, “Well, can you write us up a, you know, write us up a little pitch.” Or, “Write me the first ten pages.” Which we are, by our working rules, not allowed to do at the guild.

Writers may do this. “May,” meaning they could realistically do it, not properly do it. And if they do, the companies expose themselves because they don’t own that material. They haven’t bought it. If they don’t buy it, they don’t have the rights to use it. If any of it shows up in a movie, they’ve got a real problem. So that’s one of the tactics that we have used to say to the studios, “You got to stop doing this stuff.”

And frankly, the business affairs people completely agree. The business affairs people who do write up the contracts are fastidious about securing as many possible rights as they can. The fact that the folks over in the creative wing are sort of willy-nilly having people write stuff that they don’t buy or get the rights do freaks these lawyers out and for good reason.

**John:** Yeah. So I want to issue a caveat here which I think Craig is going to agree with me on. If you are a writer who’s going into one of the situations where it’s an existing project and they’re inviting multiple writers in to pitch, and the producer or the studio executive says, “Hey, would you write me up something?” You have a choice. You have a choice to write that thing up or not write that thing up.

And you might have just heard what Craig said, it’s like, “Well, it sounds like I should write this thing up and turn it in because then maybe I have like a copyright claim.” I don’t think that is your best course of action.

**Craig:** No.

**John:** I think you should actually follow the instructions and the rules of the Writers Guild and not write up something without being paid for it because that is part of the whole reason we have a guild and a union to make sure that people aren’t doing work they are not paid for.

**Craig:** Yeah, look, that’s the moral argument which is a correct argument. And here’s the practical argument. 999 times out of 1,000, they don’t use the work. You’ve just wasted your time, and more importantly, you have once again lowered the bar for all of us. You know, this is the proverbial race to the bottom that we’re trying to avoid here where the ultimate end of it is everybody write a script and we’ll just pick the one what we want and buy that one.

If you’re a professional writer in the Writers Guild, you get paid to write. You don’t have to get paid to pitch. You can go and tell them as much as you want. You can go and say, “Hey, look, I will talk about this all day long to anybody you want. I’m not writing a word. I am not printing a letter until I’m hired.” That’s the deal, that’s how we’re supposed to do it. And I would argue that those of you who are not doing this are actually hurting yourselves because you are, A, being taking advantage of, and B, signaling that you are the kind of person who is willing to be taken advantage of.

**John:** Well, it’s a dangerous position to put yourself in.

**Craig:** Correct.

**John:** So speaking of people doing their jobs properly, we have follow-up from Ben in Australia who writes in reference to the Rebel Wilson episode and the clean Rebel Wilson episode, not the Dirty Show.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** In the clean episode, she talks about writing her show for Australian TV and how there really aren’t censors and it was a completely different experience than what she found on American television. So, Ben, who actually works in Australian TV writes, “You call it ratings. We call it classification, tomatoes, tomatoes.

“I want to clarify a misunderstanding. Rebel mentioned that Australian TV channels don’t have the equivalent of standards of practices. This is incorrect. All the commercial networks equivalent to NBC or CBS, the public broadcasters like PBS or BBC in the UK or pay TV, like cable TV, have in-house professionals called classifiers. Network TV in Australia is relatively tame like the USA. However, there is plenty of scope for provocation in the evening. Rebel probably didn’t hear from a classifier because her TV series didn’t require edits.”

So Ben is saying, yes, it’s looser. Yes, they probably have some different standards, but there are sort of standards and practices. And they actually have people who have the equivalent jobs of the American ratings people.

**Craig:** Well, all I can say to Rebel, who we know listens, is for shame, you’ve failed to discuss the classifier to such an extent that they call you.

**John:** Indeed. So, Rebel, basically, you had extra head room. And you could have gone even dirtier and you didn’t. So basically, you sold Australia short.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** I hope you feel good about yourself.

**Craig:** You weenie.

**John:** Rebel, you’re the best.

**Craig:** Not bad.

**John:** Oh, I just love her.

**Craig:** I do too.

**John:** She gives good hugs.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** All right. We have a question or sort of a suggestion from John who writes, “Big fan. And all about paying Stuart and Matthew’s bills.” So he’s a premium subscriber and so he’s saying that he’s paying Stuart’s salary and Matthew’s salary because he is a premium subscriber. So thank you for that.

**Craig:** Great.

**John:** He asks, “What if you did a premium Three Page Challenge episode where you only receive submissions from premium subscribers? Or even do a Golden Ticket thing again where you choose one Three Pager from the show and privately read their whole script or pilot. People go nuts for that. Not sure how you’d verify. Maybe you only say the URL in a 30-second premium clip or through the Libsyn site, just an idea. Stay funky.”

Maybe. I sort of throw this out there as a, “What do you think, Craig? And what do other listeners think?”

**Craig:** Well, first of all I’m not going to stay funky. I want to be clear about this, I’m funky on my own schedule, I don’t just stay funky. I go in and out of funky —

**John:** Actually, if you followed his orders to stay funky then you never had funk.

**Craig:** Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. You know what the most funky thing you can do? Not stay funky. Okay, now that aside although that one —

**John:** Craig, you were a normcore before there was even a norm.

**Craig:** Damn straight. I think it’s a perfectly — Look, I believe in rewarding our premium subscribers as much as we can if there is a simple way to check a username against a subscription account. I think that that’s a perfectly good idea to say, “Okay, this is only open to premium subscribers.”

**John:** We’ll look into it. It’s all through the Libsyn stuff and so Libsyn is the people who host our podcast. It’s the people who make the app. It’s what makes putting the podcast out in the world not onerously expensive. So it’s a matter of whether we can actually get that user ID sort of detail information, but maybe. And I’ve been, you know, honestly, I’ve been happily surprised by how many people subscribed I think apparently for the Dirty Show and for the extra bonus episodes. So, maybe. I think it’s kind of a good idea.

**Craig:** Great. Okay. Well, we will work on that and see if we can’t get that going, but thank you, John, for writing in and for helping to pay Stuart and Matthew’s bills.

**John:** It’s very nice. Craig, while we’re on sort of the metatopic of the Scriptnotes podcast, we’ve discussed off air the possibility of doing a live show sometime spring/summer and I think you and I both sort of said like, “Yeah, maybe not,” but then Stuart pointed out that our 200th episode is actually going to be coming up, like, in May. Maybe that it is a call for a live show.

**Craig:** Yeah, 200, geez Louise.

**John:** Two hundred episodes.

**Craig:** Yeah. What are we going to do for a 1,000th episode?

**John:** Yeah. With a thousand episodes we’ll be — that’s like 15 years from now.

**Craig:** I know, we’ll both be in the home.

**John:** Yeah. Or at that point maybe there will just be like artificial intelligence that will speak with our voices very knowledgably about contract-related things.

**Craig:** Thank god, so I can just sleep. Well, for the 200th episode it does sound like maybe we would want to do something, I mean, when we talked about it I was just a little concerned that we were maybe falling into the “If you don’t go away, how can we miss you?” trap, but if there’s demand for it, you know, if people like it.

**John:** Yeah. So , I would ask our listeners, if you have suggestions or things you would like for our 200th episode or if you think we should maybe not do a 200th episode like live show, that’s a valid opinion as well. Short thoughts like that, just hit us on Twitter I’m @johnaugust, Craig is @clmazin or if you have a longer thoughts or suggestions about things that would be great for our 200th episode write in at ask@johnaugust.com and we’ll think about it.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** So, our next question is so in Craig’s wheelhouse, I mean, like this person just woke up in the morning and said like, how can I ask a question that Craig will know the answer to?

**Craig:** I’m feeling it.

**John:** Craig will know the answer.

**Craig:** I’m feeling funky already.

**John:** So, this person, this is a guy named Jay I actually met at the Austin Film Festival.

**Craig:** Okay.

**John:** He writes, “I recently wrote and directed my first feature film, Seven Minutes, an indie film. It premiered at the Austin Film Festival and we sold it to Starz.” Congratulations!

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** “I had a film by credit at the top of the credits. The WGA called me to make sure the story originated with me and that I was the only writer. DGA had approved the credit as well, they did or at least they appear to. We got a letter saying that the film by credit was no good and had to go because WGA says a film by credit at the top of the film can only go there if all the credits are at the head of the film. Our credits are at the end. This is because according to WGA’s logic audience members assume that film by credit is the director’s credit and they don’t stay until the end of the movie. They would not know who the writer is.”

**Craig:** Okay.

**John:** Craig, I have no idea about the current state of a “film by” so can you catch us up to speed?

**Craig:** Well, this has been a long, longstanding debate between the Writers Guild and the Directors Guild. A film by credit started to appear some decades ago and began to stick in the craw of writers as you would imagine. It initially was meant for, well, first of all it naturally blossomed out of the whole auteur theory which drives writers crazy and because also it’s not true or at least it’s invalid, but it was initially was like look a film by Steven Spielberg, a film by Martin Scorsese, you know, something that might mean something.

But overtime it became a film by anyone and what the hell does that even mean? So, the Writers Guild has hated this credit. As the story goes, the Writers Guild apparently convinced the studios in the ’80s, I believe, that they should get rid of it, that they should disallow a film by credit. And as the story goes, I’m not sure this is true or not, this is just a legend.

As the legend goes, the DGA heard about this, freaked out and threatened to strike for the first time in their — or at least legitimately threaten to strike for the first time of their existence and the company said, “Well, we don’t really care about this. It’s fine you can have it.” And so, in fact, every three years when the Writers Guild negotiates this big collective bargaining agreement included in it is a letter that basically says the Writers Guild is saying that we hate this film by credit and the companies are saying, “Yes, we have heard you, you hate it.”

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** It has become enshrined as something we permanently hate. Now, the WGA and the DGA have been sort of trying to get a grip on this thing because even the DGA started to feel, I think, a little embarrassed by the proliferation of this, what we call the vanity credit. It’s one thing to say film by somebody that we all respect. It’s another thing to say film by some effin guy, right?

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** So, yeah, I think that this is part of the brokered solution between them is, yeah, if you’re going to do a film by credit, you have to also have the writer’s credit up in the front of the film, otherwise, yeah, it does seem like you just did everything.

**John:** So, my question is really, what is Jay encountering? Is he encountering a policy? Is he encountering a formally agreed upon rule? Like, what is he actually bumping up against? Because if it’s not part of our contract with the studios, is it just a mutual agreement between the WGA and the DGA? What is he actually hitting?

**Craig:** I cannot say for sure that it is in the contract, but I suspect if the WGA is saying you can’t have it there, it’s in the contract, I can get confirmation of that. Let’s say it’s not in the contract and it’s just effectively an agreement between the DGA and the Writers Guild. That’s just as good essentially.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I will say that aside from the rules here I’m going to talk to Jay and anyone else that’s directing movies. Whether you write and direct it or just direct it, really think about this film by credit and think about what it means. If you’ve written and directed it you can say, “Well, I understand why this would be offensive to a writer, but I am the writer,” well, yeah, great, so we have a credit called directed by and we have a credit called written by or screenplay by, but then there’s the editor, there’s the DP, there’s the costume, there are the actors —

**John:** There’s the producer.

**Craig:** The producer. I mean, what is this film by? What does that even mean? It certainly not a film by any one person. It is the most bizarre credit, the most pointless credit designed to aggrandize one person in defiance of fact. I don’t get it. I don’t even know what it’s for, why even have it? It’s embarrassing. I find it embarrassing that you have to announce that this is a film by you. You directed it, take credit for what you’ve done. It’s really egregious when someone says, “A film by me, but I didn’t write it, I didn’t come up with the story, I didn’t come up with the characters, I didn’t come up with the dialogue, I didn’t come up with the scenes, I didn’t come up with the point, the theme.” That’s just embarrassing.

**John:** So, I’m looking for examples of where I feel it makes sense and so I look at sort of, you know, people who kind of feel like they are auteurs in a way, like a Wes Anderson. So, like, if somebody says like “a film by Wes Anderson” I can sort of imagine that because I can sort of imagine what font it’s in, it’s all in that cohesive universe. And yet if that card weren’t there it would still be a We Anderson film. I mean, it’s a Wes Anderson film because it is completely his, you know, it’s in his universe, it’s his canon.

So, I take weirdly greater umbrage at the word “by” than having someone’s name there. So, weirdly for me a Joe Schmidt film is not offensive to me because you could also say the thing about a George Clooney movie, I mean, when he’s an actor not a director. It’s just like it’s identifying what category it falls into rather than the authorship of the movie or the, you know, the creator of the movie.

But again, this is opinion, this isn’t sort of standard practices and rules and that’s what Jay was encountering was apparently was some form of agreement between the WGA and DGA about how this is going to work.

**Craig:** Yeah, I know what you mean about Wes Anderson and I — there are directors that have clear styles just as there are writers that have clear styles. And I do think that that’s what the directed by credit means. The style, the look, the fonts, those are directorial choices.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** But why should Fantastic Mr. Fox, a film by Wes Anderson, when Roald Dahl wrote the novel. I just don’t , I mean —

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** You know, it’s a film by a whole ton of people but you’re the director, so I just find that credit to be obnoxious. I’ve always thought it’s obnoxious. I find it to be like a weirdly insecure credit.

**John:** I think I agree with you there. And I have friends who’ve taken the credit, dear people who I love, but if I really sort of scrape back the layers and get to it I think it’s insecurity that is feeding their desire to have that extra credit on the movie.

**Craig:** Well, I think also to be fair to a lot of directors it’s like a thing where now it’s harder to not take it. Well, okay, all my friends take it, everybody else is taking it, why am I not taking it? Why am I the one guy that’s waving this flag against this credit? So it’s like the path of least resistance now to take this credit.

So, you know, I’m not a big fan. So, I would say to Jay, hey, you know what? The way to avoid this whole brouhaha: don’t take that credit.

**John:** Exactly. The easy solution to the question he writes in with.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** So, while we’re making suggestions for people to stand up and do something that’s against the grain of things, this is off the show notes but — so every year I host a couple of the Director’s Nights at Film Independent and I love doing it. So I do a Q&A. I just did a Q&A last night with Damien Chazelle of Whiplash and his editor and his composer. You met Damien. He’s just the best, I loved him.

**Craig:** What a jerk, right? [laughs]

**John:** What a jerk! He was fantastic.

**Craig:** Yeah, he’s a sweet, sweet dude.

**John:** And so we showed clips and we talked through stuff and answered questions and then he had to do another Q&A right after that because that is what you do this time of the year is you — if you have a movie that’s up for awards consideration or in this case nominated for many awards, you are on this circuit where all you do is press for your movie, screenings for your movie, and I kind of think it has to stop.

I think it’s weirdly a destructive practice that I would love to see — I don’t think this is going to ever actually happen because I think if one director or one film said, “You know what? We’re not going to play this game. We’re not going to sit down for The Hollywood Reporter for two hours for this roundtable. We’re not going to go to this photo shoot. We’re not going to waste all of our time doing this because it is a waste of time.” But if you were the one movie that did that you’d be screwed because you potentially would miss out on awards, you’d missed out on some of the box office bump.

But if a group of the top films sort of got together and said, “You know what? Let’s not do this. Let’s just not play this crazy game,” our system would be so much better and we’d allow filmmakers to go back to actually doing what they should be doing which is making movies, not answering the same question a thousand times.

**Craig:** Yeah. I suspect that a lot of the people that are involved in it agree with you. The problem is that they’re not really the ones that are pushing it. It’s the studios, it’s the financiers, I mean, you know, if anybody has any misconception that awards are about merit or art, they are not. The awards exist to support two financial streams: one, the actual award show which is a financial stream; and then the promotion of the winners to create box office bonanzas.

**John:** So, here’s where I push back on those two things. I think you can honestly still have the award shows without the 17 weeks of promo and special issues and other madness and special screenings that sort of go into this. I think you can actually have those award shows and we wouldn’t sort of suffer. I think you’d still be able to make money off of those.

In terms of the actual financial gain for doing all that stumping, I wonder and I’m sure some very clever statistics person could go through and do a study of these are the movies that came out over this 10-year period that were sort of “for your considerations” and look at their box office and chart sort of how much the bonus they got from their award. And I don’t know that it’s fundamentally worth it.

I like the idea of awards as we talked about before in a sense of celebrating great works of cinema and just look at these awesome movies. It’s a great thing that happens and I love that movies like Whiplash which might otherwise not sort of get a bigger audience get that bigger audience because people know them from the awards. But I think, I’m frustrated not just for Damien, but sort of for all directors and writers and cinematographers who are pulled away from doing the stuff that they should be making which is their next movie because they’re having to feed this industry.

**Craig:** Yeah, some people put the — lay the blame at the feet of Harvey Weinstein, and certainly those feet are surrounded by lots of blame for lots of things.

**John:** And lots of Oscars.

**Craig:** Yes. Well, that’s the thing, you know, so people can go, “Well, hey, you know, do you remember when, I don’t know, Shakespeare in Love won the Oscar? Well, that’s because Harvey went bananas and promoted like crazy and then that movie made a lot of money afterwards.”

And, you know, unfortunately it’s a cheater’s game. And so the game theory is everybody either has to be decent together or the cheaters win and then everybody suddenly just goes, “We’ll, I guess we’re all doing it now.” And look, I’m with you. I mean, the part of the awards that are great or the part that are pro artists and pro art and the part that’s bad is the cynical part where it’s being used to, you know, line pockets and it’s a shame because you’re right. It’s kind of nuts that anybody would have to suddenly have this new job of three months of self promotion. Even actors get a break. I mean, they don’t do self-promotion for that long, you know, on a typical movie. So —

**John:** So a director who you and I both know who has a reputation for being a bit of a jerk, I remember someone talking about his availability on something and when he’d be free to do something. And he had a movie coming out that he said, like, “Oh, yeah. Well, I won’t be available for these three months because I’ll be doing all the Oscar season push stuff for it.”

And he said it in a way that had the assumption that, like, his movie was going to be so well received that everybody would be talking about it for an Oscar, and then it wasn’t at all. And there was something, I remember feeling this wonderful schadenfreude when the event didn’t happen. But in a weird way, he was being realistic in a way that I as a younger self had not appreciated that, like, it really is three months of your time that would be sucked away. And so he was being — if his movie had turned out better, he really would’ve lost all that time.

**Craig:** You just can’t say that. I mean —

**John:** Yeah. You shouldn’t say it. Exactly.

**Craig:** No.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** No, you never say that. I mean, that’s crazy.

**John:** Yeah. You say, like, you know, “My newborn daughter is going to be a supermodel.” You don’t say that.

**Craig:** Yeah, like, I can’t, yeah, I know we’re supposed to have a reunion of five years. I probably won’t be there because my kid is going to be at Fashion Week.

**John:** Mm-hmm.

**Craig:** Maybe.

**John:** Maybe. Could be.

**Craig:** Yeah, well, you know, the bone structure is changing.

**John:** My closest experience with the awards season stuff was Big Fish. And so Big Fish, we got some nominations so we did that whole push, but we didn’t get any serious Oscar nominations so it just stopped. Once Oscar nominations came out, largely it just stopped. And there were parts of it that were actually great. And so I got to meet, like, other filmmakers. And so I got to meet Peter Jackson and all these folks who are on that same circuit doing all the same stuff. Anthony Minghella I met and just loved.

And that part of it was really, really cool. But, you know, after, like, the third time you’re sitting around a table with the same people, it just becomes this grind and it’s not — I don’t know, it’s not a good thing.

**Craig:** I was talking about that whole thing with John Gatins because he was on that circuit when —

**John:** Oh, for Flight.

**Craig:** When he was nominated for Flight. And he said something that made me laugh that they would — the same, you know, so all the same writers are gathering over and over and over and they’re all around these tables. And everywhere they would go, there would be some sort of lunch. And at every single lunch, all of the actors and writers and directors would get served lunch with rolls. There would always be a roll and nobody would eat the roll. [laughs]

**John:** [laughs]

**Craig:** Because they all were like, “I got to be on camera.”

**John:** Can’t eat bread.

**Craig:** Can’t eat carbs, yeah. Just wasted rolls.

**John:** I think I remember talking with you and Aline on the balcony at the Chateau Marmont at a special little party for John Gatins.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And so here’s the thing. I love John Gatins. I love Aline. I love so many people that were up there. But the fact that that was considered a necessary part of what you do at this stage of the awards season was frustrating. I mean, it was lovely to see people, just it was annoying that that’s a thing that needed to happen.

**Craig:** Was that something that, like, because I just thought that that was just a, “Hey, I’m gathering my friends.” But was that like a studio thing?

**John:** Oh, no. There was a list formed, yeah, of people who —

**Craig:** Oh, the studio do that?

**John:** The studio did that and I think, you know, smart people. And I think Aline probably had a hand in that, too, because she wants to make sure , because here’s what you do in those early for your consideration stuff, you want to make sure the people who might love your film see the film early enough and so they can start talking about it, so that there’s a critical buzz of this kind of thing. And that, the management is crazy.

**Craig:** You know, it’s not probably going to be an issue for me but — [laughs]

**John:** [laughs]

**Craig:** If it ever does, somebody else is going to have to do all that. I can’t. I can’t even —

**John:** Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to have just basically Sia. We’re going to have somebody who’s acting the part of the writer and saying the things you would say but it’s not actually you.

**Craig:** That’s a good idea. You mean like that girl that does the dancing?

**John:** That little girl, the little dancer. I’m going to hire that little girl.

**Craig:** You get me that little girl.

**John:** She’s going to wear the same blonde wig. People will ask her a question and she’ll just dance the answer.

**Craig:** I want that girl to do all my stuff.

**John:** I want Shia Labeouf to do it. That’s what I want.

**Craig:** I don’t want to do, like, any more interviews. I don’t want to do another interview for the rest of my life. And I just want that little girl to just dance some stuff.

**John:** [laughs]

**Craig:** With that wig on.

**John:** So good. I think I just got an interview request to talk about one of the other topics that we’re going to get to in the show and it’s for a magazine. I think I’m just going to send the woman back a little gif of that little Sia girl dancing.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** That’s my answer.

**Craig:** That’s my answer. [laughs] That’s my answer. I mean, we should — I don’t want to — I mean, we should pay her.

**John:** So, here’s literally the question that I was asked. It was about the Harper Lee case.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And this is a new thing that came up this last week. So Harper Lee, author of To Kill a Mockingbird, famously has kind of nothing else you can read of hers, no other books.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** But apparently she had actually written another book called Go Set a Watchman which To Kill a Mockingbird is sort of excerpted from. So it’s kind of a sequel, kind of a prequel. It’s the same characters. And so there’s lots of sort of general news stories about this because there’s a lot of question, Harper Lee is 88. Why is she doing it now? Is she really in full control of her decision process?

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** That’s all interesting but I have no special insight to that. What you and I can talk about, because we talk about it all the time, are rights. And so what’s interesting about this situation is the rights to those characters because these characters first appeared on screen in the Universal movie. So Universal owns rights to the 1962 movie and that was a huge hit. So $13 million back in the day, that’s more than $100 million today, won three Academy Awards, Best Actor. But would they own the rights to the characters to make another movie? So, you know, they obviously don’t automatically get the rights to this book, but would somebody be able to make a movie version of Harper Lee’s new book without the rights to those characters? And it’s confusing.

**Craig:** Yeah. I mean I would presume that some of it, a lot of it, has to do with the nature of the rights that Universal owns. So there’s a piece of paper somewhere, I hope that they still have it, that delineates precisely what the rights are and what the terms of those rights are and if they have the rights to all of the characters in that book. Like, for instance, you could see, “Oh, it says here we have the rights, the exclusive rights to make movies based on the characters in this book.” Well, yeah, well, those characters are now in another book. Does that mean you have the rights to the characters in this book also or just the characters in this book?

**John:** Yup.

**Craig:** This is how lawsuits happen. This is why contracts are so awful and why the language is so tortured because, you know, contract law is kind of a game of, “Yeah, but you didn’t say exactly that.”

So who knows? I mean, this has come up before a lot of times. What happens is in lieu of the very expensive lawsuit, the two interested parties kind of just agree and do it together.

**John:** Exactly. We’re going to link to an article in the Hollywood Reporter that talks about Silence of the Lambs, Manhunter, and sort of the complicated rights to the Thomas Harris books, and ultimately, the way they got out of it without sort of like suing each other to death was to do a coproduction —

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Because apparently the Clarice Starling character complicated the whole issue. So to be able to do stuff with her was incredibly challenging.

**Craig:** Yeah. And so they worked this stuff out. This is an interesting case though because it does have this added twist of is this her family making some cash here, is she really, why, you know, why suddenly at the age of — how old is she? 88.

**John:** 88.

**Craig:** And she’s had a stroke so, and it’s not like she has gotten on the phone and said, “Yeah, I’m Harper Lee. I’m into it now. Let’s do it.”

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** So, you know, I mean, it will be a mess.

**John:** It’ll be a mess.

**Craig:** Oh, god.

**John:** The easiest solution would be for Universal, if Universal wants it, Universal wins the rights, there’s not going to be a problem. If some other studio pushes really hard for it, they’re going to always have to have in the back of their head, like, we’re going to have to deal with Universal at some point. So that’s a decision going into it. We don’t know that people necessarily want to make a movie of this book because we haven’t read the book.

**Craig:** Well, that’s the other thing. Who knows if it’s any good?

**John:** Who knows if it’s any good? So on a similar topic of studios coming together to work out complicated rights about a character is this last week it was announced that Sony and Marvel had come to an agreement about how they were going to handle Spider-Man. And also it is all related to — it’s interrelated with Amy Pascal stepping down from running Sony Pictures.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** So the plan at this point, as I best understand it, is Spider-Man will be allowed to enter into the Marvel Universe through the Disney Marvel Universe. He could appear in Captain America: Civil War or other Marvel properties down the road.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** But Sony will essentially still be allowed to make Spider-Man movies. And so Sony gets out of this the ability to have a fresher, newer Spider-Man that they like, that people are excited about. But they are sort of kind of leasing the character back to Disney/Marvel. Apparently, Marvel really, really, really wanted Spider-Man back and wanted to pursue an outright sale. And Sony’s only agreeing to lease it back.

**Craig:** I guess I’m a little confused about the way this works. So they can both make Spider-Man movies?

**John:** No, as I understand it, Spider-Man can appear in Marvel movies but —

**Craig:** Okay. He can appear in them, okay.

**John:** It’s not a standalone movie.

**Craig:** Got it. So now I get it. So basically, Sony is saying, “Yeah, you can now use, like, he can show up in The Avengers, say, and that’s awesome promotion for our Spider-Man movies.”

**John:** Absolutely.

**Craig:** And so that, now what’s so fascinating about this is that it underscores how valuable Marvel’s brand is and this is in a business where there are almost no true brands. You know, for a long time, I think the only real brand in Hollywood was Disney. And then Pixar became a brand for sure. Marvel may be the strongest brand of them all at this point.

**John:** Marvel or Star Wars, they’re both incredibly strong brands.

**Craig:** Well, Star Wars is a movie. It’s not a — you know what I mean?

**John:** Oh, come on, Star Wars is a brand.

**Craig:** No, no, it’s a brand. I mean, I’m talking about companies. I mean to say, like, studios.

**John:** Okay.

**Craig:** Studios didn’t have brands. Like there’s no, Universal doesn’t mean —

**John:** I see what you’re saying.

**Craig:** You know what I mean? So, I mean, surely, there are movies that are brands, no question. But Marvel, as a company, has the most brand value of any studio and they’re literally getting the right to use this guy that they didn’t otherwise have for free because of their brand equity, because their brand equity actually boosts Sony’s product. That’s wild to me. That’s amazing.

**John:** It’s wild. So the other news that was announced. So Amy Pascal will produce the new Spider-Man movie which can happen on a faster time schedule. But Kevin Feige from Marvel will also produce it.

**Craig:** Yes.

**John:** There can be, again, he’s been very, very smart about making really good movies and it certainly is in his best interest and Marvel’s best interest for the Spider-Man movie to be excellent because that helps them for using the Spider-Man character in their own thing. So it’s a weird synergy but potentially kind of cool.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** Now, a counter example of this is a less valuable character is Quicksilver who appears in both the X-Men movie and in the new Avengers and they didn’t reach some sort of a magical agreement. Somehow they both had the rights to the character but they cast him as different actors. They didn’t try to make it one character across those two franchises.

**Craig:** Yeah, because Quicksilver isn’t sort of a needle mover the way that Spider-Man is. And so, I mean, it’s fascinating that Kevin Feige, who is essentially the head of a studio, is going to be producing a movie for another studio. But what’s so smart about it, and Kevin Feige is clearly one of the smartest guys in Hollywood, is that he can now integrate the Sony Spider-Man storylines into the Marvel storylines.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** He is essentially giving the fans what they want. What a surprising thing that he would put the fans first and play the long game and show foresight.

**John:** I love the long game.

**Craig:** Kevin Feige, are you nuts? Don’t you know you’re supposed to just be shortsighted and make as much money? Now, now, now.

**John:** Nope.

**Craig:** So good on him. Very smart. And as for Amy, I have to say, having never worked — and you did a lot of work for her.

**John:** Oh, yeah.

**Craig:** Never worked for Amy, never met Amy. I’m thrilled because I’m so disgusted by the nonsense, the Internet nonsense and the shame machine and the outrage baloney. And this is a long, a well respected, long-serving professional who, I said it before, came off better in her emails than practically anybody else would if their emails were exposed. I’m glad that she has this and, frankly, I suspect she will be much happier.

**John:** I think that is a very strong possibility.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** So our last story is really about rights once again. And this is something that a reader had sent in to me and I wasn’t aware of it but you had actually already seen the clip from it. It’s just fascinating. So it’s this thing that aired on FXX 1:30 in the morning on Monday, February 9th.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And it was an adaptation of Robert Jordan’s incredibly popular Wheel of Time series. And so this series started in 1990. It’s a 14-book cycle. So it started in 1990, went through 2013. And so huge books, a lot of people said, like, “Oh, this could be the next Game of Thrones.” It’s incredibly complicated but has super fans. It’s a bestseller. And the rights to this are owned by a group called Red Eagle Entertainment.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And so what seems to have happened is there was a ticking clock and they had to produce something or the rights were going to revert.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And so they made this thing that they aired at 1:30 in the morning. And Craig, you watched more of it than I did so can you —

**Craig:** [laughs]

**John:** Tell us?

**Craig:** All right. So to be fair, I’m not familiar with the Wheel of Time series but from what I understand, it is very much — it’s very popular. It has a huge fan base like the way Game of Thrones has, the novels.

So I clicked on this thing because I though, I think the article I read said something like, “Watch the worst show ever made.” [laughs] So I clicked on it and it was fascinating. I watched about 10 minutes and I would say the first five minutes featured a man walking through an empty mansion and he’s shouting for his wife and his children. And they appear to be playing a hide-and-seek game so we’ll hear occasional giggles. I believe his wife is Ilyena. And he yells Ilyena maybe 30 times. [laughs]

**John:** [laughs]

**Craig:** And so it’s just four minutes of, “Ilyena! Children!” And then, “Hehe,” and then he turns, “Ilyena!” on and on and on. It’s the most insane thing.

As if somebody said, “Look, we have nine minutes of show. How can we have an hour of show?” “Let’s take every single bit of footage we have of this guy playing hide-and-seek and string them all together.” [laughs] It’s wild. I mean it’s really weird.

**John:** So there is precedent for this and most of the articles including the article that we’ll link to talk about Fantastic Four. So what happened with Fantastic Four is the rights to it were going to revert back to Marvel or whoever Marvel was back in those days. It was quite a long time ago. And the studio hired Roger Corman to make the cheapest possible version of the Fantastic Four. And so little bits of that Fantastic Four movie have leaked out and it’s predictably sort of what you’d expect. It’s horrible special effects but just apparently the bare minimum of what you needed to do to say, like, “Well, it is a Fantastic Four movie.”

And so that sense of, like, again, how important it is to hold on to these underlying rights. You will do crazy things like make a crappy version of an adaptation because you know that there’s a great adaptation out there that is potentially incredibly valuable.

**Craig:** Yeah, the trick of this all is that a lot of these rights deals say, “Okay. We have the rights to make a show of this thing until this day, you know, five years from now. And if we don’t then you get it back. But if we do, then we have the exclusive option to renew the rights cycle for another five years, right? So if we just keep, if we keep making these things, they still belong to us.” I suspect that’s probably why Fox will hold on to the X-Men forever. We keep making X-Men movies, we still get the rights.

**John:** And that same thing happened with Spider-Man so —

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Sony basically had to keep making Spider-Man movies or else the rights were going to revert. And I think Marvel was clever enough that there was a [laughs] — they can’t just make a $1 million Spider-Man movie. There was the requirement for how much they have to spend on a Spider-Man movie. And so talking with people involved in the reboot, the Amazing Spider-Man series, there really were ridiculous time pressures placed upon them not just to hit a release date because of, “Oh, we have a slot in schedule,” but like, “No, no, no, we’re going to lose Spider-Man if we don’t make this movie.”

**Craig:** Right. That’s why you can see the natural alliance between Sony and Marvel where Marvel is saying, “Look, if you guys just keep doing this, you’re going to damage this thing that we care about, that we think there’s a lot of value to. Why don’t we all just take the foot off of each other’s necks here and work together?” So that’s smart. Now, this thing, this is bizarre. And almost certainly there’s going to be some kind of lawsuit as a result because, you know, at some point, you have to say, “Well, define making something.”

I mean, was this made in good faith? Now, when I read this article, and it’s not in the link you have here, and I believe this is the case, adding to the strangeness around this is that the director died in a car crash like a day after he finished shooting this thing. So for those of you who are into conspiracy theories —

**John:** Absolutely.

**Craig:** Now, I’m not. I just —

**John:** I know a well known screenwriter who’s a big conspiracy buff.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** I’m sure he has a whole plan on this.

**Craig:** Yes, I’m sure that he does while he’s figuring out how we filmed the moon landing and so forth. But no, I think it was just a terrible coincidence or maybe not a coincidence. Maybe he was so tired because from what I understand, they were shooting like 30 hours in a row and they literally made the thing in like, I don’t know, two or three weeks or something. It’s insane.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** What a weird, weird thing. I mean, we’ll have a link to the pilot. It’s on YouTube. But I don’t know if FXX is going to be defending their copyright on this particularly aggressively so.

**John:** Yeah. I’m not also clear whether FXX is really the people who instigated sort of making this thing or if they basically just rented out the 1:30 time slot, that someone else did that because that —

**Craig:** Good point.

**John:** Was going to happen, too.

**Craig:** Also, I didn’t know there was a channel called FXX. [laughs]

**John:** Well, yes, you did, because The Simpsons marathon played on that.

**Craig:** Oh.

**John:** That’s the channel that did the 24-hour marathon.

**Craig:** Oh, okay.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Oh, so there’s Fox, there’s FX, there’s FXX.

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** Okay.

**John:** But is there FXXX?

**Craig:** Oh, probably.

**John:** It’s going to be a big franchise. Vin Diesel will be in it.

**Craig:** Yeah, but you know who likes that channel?

**John:** [laughs] Sexy Craig loves FXXX.

**Craig:** Yeah, I’m just going to be at home watching FXXX.

**John:** It’s so good.

**Craig:** Why don’t you come on over?

**John:** But in the interest of, like, wrapping this all up, it’s like there’s really a time situation where, like, you’re scrambling to make this movie really quickly so the rights don’t revert. It’s almost the situation described at the very start of this podcast where you’re talking about how in the race to get something into production, you also end up making these choices which, lord knows, you hope they’re the right choices. But the train is leaving the station and you just got to do it.

**Craig:** Yeah. I —

**John:** I think whatever you wrote is probably better than The Wheel of Time.

**Craig:** [laughs] I hope so.

**John:** [laughs]

Craig. Yeah. No, it is a rare film and perhaps a non-existent film that is made under ideal circumstances.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** There is always something going on. In this case, there was a lot going on.

**John:** Well, honestly, art without any constraints is generally dismal. I mean, constraints are what make art possible. It’s just sometimes the constraints are ridiculous constraints or choices made for reasons that wouldn’t be, you know, artistically awesome choices.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And so, so much of the job of these last weeks as you’re moving a movie into production is figuring out, like, “Okay. What movie are we making and what’s staying and what’s going out?”

**Craig:** Indeed.

**John:** Indeed. All right. It’s time for One Cool Things. My One Cool Thing is something that everyone had said was really, really good and I just kind of ignored them for a long time because I think I misunderstood them. And now that I just took a chance on it, and now I understand them and I was wrong. So my One Cool Thing is Broad City.

**Craig:** Okay.

**John:** A comedy on Comedy Central. And I think I thought it was, I don’t know, edgy and gritty in sort of a, I don’t know, “how to make it in America” kind of way. And it’s actually more of like if you were to just take Girls and Workaholics and put them together, it’s just great. And I just love it. If you sort of took Laverne & Shirley and just, like, had them sort of doing shit in Brooklyn.

**Craig:** Oh, I like Laverne & Shirley.

**John:** Oh, my god. Who does not love Laverne & Shirley?

**Craig:** I love Laverne & Shirley.

**John:** And so there’s just these two girls hustling and [laughs] they’re really funny and they’re hustling. So the first season is up on Netflix. It’s also on Comedy Central now. It’s on demand. Watch Broad City. It’s really, really good.

**Craig:** You know, before I get to my One Cool Thing, let me just say Laverne & Shirley, I’ve often thought, is the kind of sitcom we need again. The physical comedy of it, it was so great. I just love, you know, the only people that do that now are like Disney sitcoms for kids.

**John:** Yup.

**Craig:** It’s like they stopped doing physical comedy. I loved that stuff when I was a kid. I just loved it. And I love it now. I love Laverne & Shirley. They’re the best.

**John:** They’re great.

**Craig:** Really great.

**John:** I mean, we think of Penny Marshall but Cindy Williams was awesome on that show.

**Craig:** Cindy Williams, Michael McKean, and I mean —

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** All of them.

**John:** It’s the first show I remember traveling where they started, it’s Milwaukee, right?

**Craig:** Mm-hmm. Yeah.

**John:** Hasenpfeffer Incorporated.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And then they moved to Hollywood in the last season, or last two seasons, and it’s just, like, it was just bizarre.

**Craig:** Yeah, I know. They would occasionally do that back then. [laughs] That was, you know, trying to goose the ratings.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** But hey, come on. Carmine Ragusa?

**John:** Oh, so good.

**Craig:** The Big Ragu.

**John:** Big Ragu.

**Craig:** Big Ragu. I mean, God, she had an L on. She would always drink the Pepsi and the milk.

**John:** So, again, one thing I appreciate about Broad City is that like Laverne & Shirley, they’re kind of broke and, like, their being broke factors into it a lot. And, you know, I really love Blackish which is sort of the opposite of that show and, like, the characters are really rich. But it’s so much fun when you find sources of external conflict and being broke is a large part of it.

**Craig:** Yeah. And their show is about women living together that are broke. I think there was one that was — wasn’t there 2 Broke Girls, wasn’t that a show?

**John:** That is a show.

**Craig:** It’s a show now?

**John:** It’s a show but it’s not really about —

**Craig:** Oh.

**John:** That.

**Craig:** Oh, it’s not?

**John:** It’s a multicam.

**Craig:** Oh, it’s multicam? It’s not, well, Laverne & Shirley was a multicam show.

**John:** That’s true it is a multicam show. I don’t know why, I’m being so weirdly judgy because Laverne & Shirley was an awesome multicam show. And maybe 2 Broke Girls is fantastic. I just — modern CBS multicam shows just give me —

**Craig:** They give you hives.

**John:** Hives.

**Craig:** You know, I don’t have that. I can’t say anything about 2 Broke Girls because I haven’t watched it. What a shock, okay.

**John:** It’s always a safe bet.

**Craig:** My One Cool Thing is a band. And the band is largely the work of a singer/songwriter. It’s called Fantastic Negrito. And Fantastic Negrito is out of the Bay Area and I’ve been following these guys for a while because my friend, Malcolm Spellman, who writes on Empire, which is now an empire, has been friends with the lead musician/songwriter of Fantastic Negrito for many, many years. And so I, you know, sort of follow him on Facebook and so forth. Outstanding stuff.

The guy’s name, one of the greatest names of all time, Xavier Dphrepaulezz. Xavier Dphrepaulezz. There are more Zs in there than you think. Outstanding stuff. And so, you know, I’ve been just following them, well, it’s like, well, my friend has a band. Cool, they’re actually awesome. Great. NPR ran this thing called Tiny Desk Concert Contest. It’s basically like, you know, a little original song and video contest. And guess who won?

**John:** Fantastic Negrito.

**Craig:** Fantastic Negrito, the winner of the Tiny Desk Concert Contest, very cool. We’ll provide a link. I just think Xavier is the coolest and it’s just good music. You know what it is? It’s like real black music. It’s old school black music. It’s soul. It’s like real soul from the ’70s. It just feels — it’s not Hip-Hop. It’s not modern. But it’s not like lame-o old, old. It’s just real. It’s so good. I love it. I just love it. I just think this guy is the best.

**John:** Yeah. So Fantastic Negrito played at the Black List party this year.

**Craig:** That’s right.

**John:** And so I got to see that. And he was fantastic. I’m going to call him he. It’s one of those weird situations where you can say it’s a band, or you can say it’s a person, but it’s really his music project.

**Craig:** Yes.

**John:** So you really just identify it as him.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** He is fantastic and he is, like, this weird, like, James Brown and Beck sort of like somehow merged souls or something. And as a performer he’s just spectacular and electric and fantastic. It was the completely wrong venue to see that.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And so it was just too loud for the small space. But he’s one of the people I would track down and see at a club anywhere in this country. So we will provide links to this and videos as well because he’s great. And Malcolm has been a huge promoter from the start and I should’ve listened to him earlier.

**Craig:** Yes. And we will try and get Malcolm on the show as well because he is in and of himself blowing up right now over Empire which is a phenomenon.

**John:** Yes. So Craig, you’re going to need to watch the show Empire at some point.

**Craig:** Oh, no.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Is that —

**John:** I’m sorry. Homework.

**Craig:** Is it on TV? [laughs]

**John:** [laughs] It’s a show on the television.

**Craig:** I don’t —

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** You know I’ve been watching —

**John:** Have your son explain how to turn on the TV?

**Craig:** He won’t know. He’s the last person to know how to turn on a TV. I’ve been watching Togetherness.

**John:** Which I hear is great. I haven’t watched it yet. And I feel bad. Jay Duplass — I adore him, so I want to see it.

**Craig:** Ooh, it is good. It had the best depiction of bad sex I’ve ever seen in my life in the last episode. If you’re a fan of bad sex the way I am, check it out.

**John:** Sounds good.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** That is our show for this week. So our outro this week is provided by Manoel Felciano. It is great and involves Craig’s voice a lot. So Craig, you’re actually going to want to listen to this one. If you have an outro that you would like to provide to us, send us a link to it.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Just send it to ask@johnaugust.com. That is also the email address to which you can send questions or follow-up comments. Short things, you should write to us on Twitter. I’m @johnaugust. Craig is @clmazin. This show is produced by Stuart Friedel.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** It is edited by Matthew Chilelli. And if you’re on iTunes, you should leave us a comment or leave us a rating because those are helpful to help other people find the show. Subscribe to us while you’re there. Our premium feed, which we’ve mentioned before, is available at Scriptnotes.net. We also have an app that’s in the App Store and at the Android App Store.

**Craig:** John, is it expensive?

**John:** And it also gets you all stuff —

**Craig:** Is it expensive?

**John:** So the app is free to download.

**Craig:** Oh, that’s not expensive.

**John:** If you, no, that’s free. It’s the best you can get. What is costing you some money is the monthly subscription to the premium feed.

**Craig:** Oh, no. How much?

**John:** $1.99.

**Craig:** What?

**John:** Yeah, it’s a crazy bargain. That gets you all the back episodes to the very first one, and it helps pay for things like Stuart and Matthew and all our transcripts, so thank you very much for people who subscribe to that.

**Craig:** Yup.

**John:** That’s our show. Craig, I’ll talk to you next week.

**Craig:** Thanks, John.

**John:** Bye.

**Craig:** Bye.

Links:

* [The Deal with the Gravity Lawsuit](http://johnaugust.com/2015/the-deal-with-the-gravity-lawsuit)
* [The One with Rebel Wilson and Dan Savage](http://johnaugust.com/2015/the-one-with-rebel-wilson-and-dan-savage)
* [Get premium access at scriptnotes.net](http://scriptnotes.net/)
* [Harper Lee’s ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ Sequel Sparks Questions Over Film Rights](http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/harper-lees-kill-a-mockingbird-772176) on THR
* [With Marvel Deal, Sony Opts to Lease Rather Than Sell Spider-Man](http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/marvel-deal-sony-opts-lease-772251) on THR
* [Spider-Man: How Sony, Marvel Will Benefit from Unique Deal ](http://variety.com/2015/film/news/details-spider-man-appear-in-sony-and-marvel-movies-1201429039/) on Variety
* [Wheel of Time is the sad lesson of what can happen when you sell the rights to your books](http://www.vox.com/2015/2/10/8014499/wheel-of-time-pilot-fxx) on Vox
* [Broad City on Comedy Central](http://www.cc.com/shows/broad-city) and [Hulu](http://www.hulu.com/broad-city)
* [Fantastic Negrito](http://www.fantasticnegrito.com/), Winner of [NPR’s 2015 Tiny Desk Concert Contest](http://www.npr.org/2015/02/12/385540871/meet-the-winner-of-our-tiny-desk-concert-contest)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Scriptnotes listener Manoel Felciano ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))

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