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On not reading reviews

April 8, 2017 Psych 101

Amanda Peet has a terrific piece in the NY Times about why she doesn’t read reviews, and how strange it feels when rest of the world knows [something you don’t](https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/04/theater/amanda-peet-the-first-time-i-didnt-read-a-scathing-review.html?_r=0):

> The morning after we opened, nobody called me. When I talked to my mom, she sounded like a cheerful acquaintance who isn’t sure if she’s allowed to know about your terminal cancer diagnosis. My agent said he was coming down with something and had to get off the phone. As I made my way to the theater, every newsstand I passed was a test of my resolve. I felt like a reformed gambler who had been air dropped onto the Vegas strip.

I don’t read reviews either, but I’ve made a compromise: my husband reads them and gives me the gist.

At least for me, this strikes a helpful balance where I’m not paralyzed by the actual criticism or the imagined criticism.

Pour one out for “Hold my beer”

March 9, 2017 Hive Mind, Words on the page

Here’s a delightful structure of Twitter joke that is getting awfully clammy:

BRITAIN: Brexit is the stupidest, most self-destructive act a country could undertake.
USA: Hold my beer.

— Brian Pedaci (@bpedaci) November 9, 2016

Me: you can't have a tornado, be 70 degrees and snow all in one week.

Missouri: Hold my beer.

— John Oliver (@John_oliver21) March 8, 2017

https://twitter.com/ashleylynch/status/839323600863678464

GOP: we haven't said anything mind-numbingly stupid in 24 hours

Ben Carson: HOLD. MY. BEER.

— trill (@houstonbred) March 6, 2017

I haven’t done meaningful forensics on “hold my beer,” but my best guess is that the phrase was originally used as setup rather than punchline.

That’s how the Twitter account @HoldThisBeer uses it:

https://twitter.com/HoldThisBeer/status/808926452787937281

Similarly, this [BuzzFeed article](https://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/hold-my-beer?utm_term=.yc53bXlV5#.qvw3a7W9D) from 2014 uses “hold my beer” as context for foolhardy fails. That’s also how you see it used on [r/holdmybeer](https://www.reddit.com/r/holdmybeer/).

In this format, “hold my beer” is the frame, not the art.

But it’s as a punchline that “hold my beer” really comes into its own.

Here’s the generic structure:

> SPEAKER A: There’s no way to top this outrageous thing I said or did.
> SPEAKER B: Hold my beer.

Since it’s destined to die from overuse, let’s look into how it works.

**Speaker A has to be well-known — at least to the target audience.** If we don’t recognize the name, the rest of the joke won’t make sense. In some cases, a headline takes the place of Speaker A.

https://twitter.com/TheSCRLife/status/839606879517036545

**The thing Speaker A did or said needs to be plausible, with bonus points for recent.** There can’t be anything strained about the setup.

**Speaker B needs to be recognizable.** As with Speaker A, the joke only works if you know who Speaker B is. Either the speaker is already famous, or is temporarily famous because of recent events. The speaker can also be the tweeter:

https://twitter.com/IkeDavis10028/status/839295343384723457

**Speaker B either just did something foolish, or can be imagined doing something foolish.** To me, this is one of the most interesting aspects of this structure: it works both speculatively or retroactively. But like all things Twitter, the time horizon is very short. It’s hard to imagine the joke working more than a day or two after the inciting event.

When you encounter failed “hold my beer” tweets — and trust me, I [found a lot of them](https://twitter.com/search?l=&q=%22hold%20my%20beer%22&src=typd) — it’s usually because the writer missed one of these four important aspects.

## Life after beer

The carcass of a dead meme can provide home for other jokes that subvert the expected payoff:

https://twitter.com/TNeenan/status/824708467302752257

Ohio State: we're bad
Rutgers: hold my beer
Ohio State: no
Rutgers: please
Ohio State: no
Rutgers: but we're Rutgers
Ohio State: NOT TONIGHT

— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) March 9, 2017

And it’s worth paying attention to the variant forms that continue to chug along, such as “hold my drink” and “hold my earrings.”

In the end, I think “hold my beer” has been a great joke structure for a time that feels bonkers. Every day as we scroll through Twitter, we silently ask ourselves, “Wow, could it get any crazier?”

*Hold my beer.*

Some Questions for Paul Ryan as He Tries to Sleep

January 11, 2017 Psych 101, Random Advice

Hi, Paul. I think you’re one of the most fascinating characters in American politics. Really!

You’re a hot nerd dad who does his homework. You probably listen to podcasts.

People may call you white bread, but c’mon: you don’t eat carbs.

Republicans had to beg you to be Speaker of the House. Was your reluctance to take the job real or calculated? Either way, well done Mr. Ryan. You got one of the most powerful posts in America without looking like you wanted it.

While I disagree with your positions on almost everything, you’ve long struck me as cool-headed and intellectually consistent. It’s clear there are principles guiding your decision-making process — or at least, decisions are retroactively framed within your principles.

(I suspect some Republicans view Obama this way: they don’t like his policies, but they can’t help but admire his professionalism. Maybe you do, too.)

But from the moment Trump became the Republican candidate, something has changed, Paul. It had to. You finally met your antagonist.

Trump is the antithesis of you on almost every metric: fat, old, lecherous, capricious and unprincipled. A screenwriter couldn’t develop a better villain to challenge your character and belief system.

But what story are we telling?

Is it a tragedy where the hero is corrupted into becoming the thing he despises most? Is it an inspirational tale of the stalwart squire saving the kingdom? Is it a comedy like Veep or The Office where life stumbles along despite persistent chaos?

I want to imagine that you, Paul Ryan, lie awake at night, wrestling with the choices you have to make, and the story in which you find yourself the protagonist.

In that spirit, here are some questions I’d love to ask you in those liminal moments of pillowed pondering.

1. **What do you tell your kids about Trump?** Do you say he’s a good man? A flawed man? A man who needs our help to make the best choices for America? I’ve always thought that what parents tell children reveals a lot about their worldview.

2. You’ve met the guy face-to-face. **In your heart of hearts, do you think Donald Trump is sane?** For the sake of this question, let’s define sane as “capable of consistently rational thought so as not to be a danger to himself or others.”

3. If the answer is yes-he’s-sane, **how do you explain his third-person tweets and sudden reversals?** Is it all planned? Is he secretly smarter than we realize?

4. If the answer is no-he’s-not-sane, **how do you feel about Trump having control of our nuclear arsenal?**

5. Back in July, during the controversy over Trump suggesting that a judge’s Latino heritage should disqualify him, you said, “Claiming a person can’t do their job because of their race is sort of like the textbook definition of a racist comment.” **If that’s “textbook racism,” is there a specific more-racist thing he could say where you’d bail on him?** Is it the n-word?

6. **Seriously, don’t these cabinet picks drive you crazy?** Yes, it’s the Senate that has to deal with them, but it must kill you that several of these guys seem to have no qualifications other than liking Trump.

7. In interviews, you’ve said that Atlas Shrugged is one of your three most re-read books. Ivanka Trump is flattered by [comparisons to Dagny Taggart](https://twitter.com/ivankatrump/status/13023044759). **Which Rand character do you identify with?** The pioneering Hank Rearden? The elusive John Galt?

8. In October, tape came out where Trump bragged about his exploits with with women: “Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.” **Are you comfortable leaving your wife, daughter or young female staffer alone in a room with Trump?**

9. Also in October, Trump tweeted, “Our very weak and ineffective leader, Paul Ryan, had a bad conference call where his members went wild at his disloyalty.” Then, at the start of the new session, you couldn’t talk your members out of an ill-conceived backroom plan to gut the congressional ethics system. **So was Trump sort of right? Do you worry that you’re an ineffective leader?**

10. Seriously, the white supremacist stuff: **Does it freak you out that Nazis are a thing again?**

11. And Russia. **Do you believe they have compromising information on Trump?** It’s crazy that we’re living in a reality-show version of The Americans. (For the record, I don’t believe the Russians have anything compromising on you beyond the handful of times you started a late-in-the-day Other workout on your Apple Watch in order to hit your Move goal, which is set really high anyway.)

12. As a student of economics, I’m sure you’re familiar with the sunk cost fallacy, in which people make irrational decisions based on prior investment. **Is Trump a sunk cost?** That is, should you continue to spend political capital on him because of what you’ve already invested? Or is the smart choice to cut your losses and move on?

13. You have an agenda to reshape many governmental institutions, starting with repealing Obamacare. You have a majority in both houses. But you’ll need Trump to sign it. **What happens if he refuses to sign the bill, perhaps because it’s unpopular?**

14. At the Republican National Convention, you said you were looking forward to the State of the Union, where you’d be “right up there on the rostrum with Vice President Mike Pence and President Donald Trump.” **Can you still envision that speech?** You’d be sitting behind Trump while he says — well, what will he say? Will he go off script? Will you applaud when he says something shocking? Either way, that’s some pretty damning video.

15. Among colleagues, **have you discussed scenarios in which Pence becomes president?** C’mon. There’s got to be a codename for that, something like Silver Surfer.

16. **If you had a time machine and could travel back one year, what would you do differently?** I can imagine several timelines in which you became the Republican nominee, much the way you became Speaker of the House.

17. **What else keeps you awake at night?** I’ve listed some of my guesses, but I’m certain you know some terrifying things the rest of America doesn’t.

18. **Finally, do you have a plan?** Because I’ll tell you, from an outside observer’s perspective, it doesn’t look that way. You seem aware that you’re standing next to a toxic, dangerous narcissist, but seem reluctant to face him head-on. That can earn an audience’s sympathy, but not their respect.

It’s simply hard to root for a character like that.

Sleep well.

The Workaholics list of banned phrases

December 5, 2016 Rant, Words on the page

John Quaintance recently [tweeted photos](https://twitter.com/John_Quaintance/status/799751549610168320) of two whiteboards listing phrases banned in the Workaholics writers’ room. His tweet has been widely shared, and is a mitzvah to all writers.

These phrases are all clams — jokes that aren’t funny anymore and therefore need to die. When you include them in a script, you’re evoking the rhythm of comedy without the content of comedy. They’re not just cliché; they’re hollow.

I asked Godwin to type them up so we could discuss them on the next Scriptnotes, where we look into their origins and ways to write around them.

I’m posting them here so you can read along. You can also [download them as a PDF](http://ja-vincent.s3.amazonaws.com/banned-phrases.pdf) if you’d like a copy for your wall.

___? More Like ___.
Can You Not?
…I Can Explain!
Let’s Not And Say We Did
I Didn’t Not ___
Va-Jay-Jay
Wait For It…
Just Threw Up In My Mouth.
Really?
Good Talk
And By ___ I Mean ___
Check Please!
Awkward!
Shut The Front Door!
Lady Boner
Rut-Roh!
I Think That Came Out Wrong.
Uh…Define ___.
No? Just Me.
Why Are We Whispering?
That Went Well…
Stay Classy
I’m A Hot Mess!
That’s Not A Thing
It’s Science
Bacon Anything
Cray-Cray
Real Talk
#Nailed It
Random!
Awesome Sauce
Thanks…I Guess
Little Help?
Laughy McLaugherson
___ Dot Com
I Love Lamp.
Oh Helllll Naw!
#Epic Fail
Did I Just Say That Out Loud?
Food Baby
Douche (Nozzle)
Soooo, That Just Happened
Squad Goals
I Just Peed A Little
Too Soon?
Spoiler Alert
Um…In English Please
Note To Self
Life Hack
Best. ___. Ever. (or Worst. ___. Ever.)
It’s Giving Me All The Feels.
Garbage People
That Happened One Time!
Well Played
I’m Right Here!
Hard Pass
Are You Having A Stroke?
Go Sports!
Zero Fucks Given
We Have Fun
Who Hurt You?
I Absorbed My Twin In The Womb
I’ll Take ___ For $500, Alex.
Thanks Obama
Wait, What?
Shots Fired
Sharkweek
You Assclown
Ridonkulous
Bag Of Dicks
Hey, Don’t Help.
Debbie Downer
I Can’t Unsee That.
That Just Happened.
See What I Did There?
I’ll Show Myself Out.
Here’s The Line, Here’s You.
___ On Steroids/Crack.
Swipe Right.
White People Problems.
I Could Tell You But I’d Have To Kill You.
That’s Why We Can’t Have Nice Things
I Think We’re Done Here

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