John August

Challenge

A fork, a phobia, a friggin’ lot of entries

Challenge

[Scene Challenge]I have a head cold today, so it ended up being a better day for reading than writing. And ’twas lucky, because more than 110 entries came in for the most recent [scene challenge](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/a-fork-a-phobia-and-a-photograph). I’m happy to report that most were quite solid — significantly better than last time, though that was probably because the subject matter wasn’t as rigidly defined.

The best entries managed to incorporate the three required elements (fork, photo, phobia) gracefully. There were some easy-to-spot trends:

1. Combining two things
===

We had fear of forks, fear of photographs, photographs of forks — and fear of photographs of forks. [Luis Calil’s](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/a-fork-a-phobia-and-a-photograph#comment-161276) scene needed tightening, but included many variations on the theme. I could imagine it in a play.

2. Fear of clowns
===

None of my top picks included the clown angle, but it was probably the single most-cited phobia. And I’m fully in that group. I would rather hold a snake or eat a spider than be in a room with a clown.

3. Psychiatrists/Psychologists
===
A natural choice, given the phobia aspect. I can’t recall any professional photographers in the mix, strangely.

From [NY Rich](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/a-fork-a-phobia-and-a-photograph#comment-161266):

INT. STAFF PSYCHOLOGIST OFFICE -- ARMY BASE (GEORGIA) -- DAY

Sterile, windowless, gray – standard government issue. Two wood-framed chairs sit on either side of a small end table with a tacky lamp. The walls are bare, except for the diplomas and a Successories poster on Leadership.

DR. BOOMER MIKELSON (40) sits across from his client. Tall, lean and balding, he’s dressed in a short sleeve dress shirt and high water pants. He sits cross-legged, leans back in his chair, strokes his goatee like a wannabe Freud.

Across from him is PVT. TEDDY SHEFFIELD (19), the client. He’s short and skinny, with a pockmarked complexion and ears like Dumbo’s. Exactly the kind of guy you’d love to run into -- if you’re the enemy. He sits nervously, wrings his hands, fidgets in his seat.

DR. MIKELSON

So, Teddy, we’ve been making good progress with the systematic desensitization. Let’s not throw all that away, okay? We have one more session and then you’ll be clear to apply for Ranger school again. You with me today?

TEDDY

Yeah, I guess. I’ve been thinking about today all week. Gave me the shits.

DR. MIKELSON

Okay, well, that’s understandable. It’s a big step. But you’re ready. Let’s get started.

Dr. Mikelson reaches into a folder and pulls out a photo of a large snake. He hands it to Teddy, who accepts with trembling hands.

DR. MIKELSON

Okay, Teddy. Look at the picture and tell me what you’re feeling.

Teddy takes a deep breath. His hands still shake. His face turns red.

DR. MIKELSON

Teddy, stay with me. This is review. We’ve done this already. Breathe. Tell me what you’re feeling.

TEDDY

Like I want to run away. Like I can’t get far enough away from this thing. My skin is crawling.

DR. MIKELSON

Okay, good. You want to run away but you’re not. Excellent. Anything else?

TEDDY

My stomach hurts. I may need to use the bathroom.

DR. MIKELSON

You be sure to let me know. Okay. Ready for the next step?

TEDDY

I don’t know. I think. Okay, okay.

Dr. Mikelson reaches into a bag. Pulls out a fork and knife and a small snake, which he puts on a plate. Teddy pushes his chair back as far as he can.

TEDDY

What the hell is that? Get it away! Get it away!

DR. MIKELSON

Do you want to be a Ranger, Teddy?

TEDDY

Yes.

DR. MIKELSON

Then you know can’t shit your pants every time you see a snake. You have to pass survival training. Snakes come with the territory. Now, you’ve been desensitized to talking about snakes, to a photo of a snake, to a rubber snake, and now the next step is a real snake.

TEDDY

I don’t want to do this.

DR. MIKELSON

It’s the only way.

TEDDY

What’s the fork for?

DR. MIKELSON

Ever hear of G. Gordon Liddy? The Watergate guy?

TEDDY

What’s Watergate?

Dr. Mikelson takes a deep breath.

DR. MIKELSON

Really? Nevermind. G. Gordon Liddy is a great American who, as a child, was deathly afraid of rats. So one day, in order to conquer his fear, he decided he would catch a rat, cook it, and eat it. No better way to show you’re not scared of something than to eat it.

TEDDY

You want me to eat that snake! Are you fucking crazy! No way! I can’t do it! You’re nuts!

DR. MIKELSON

Ranger school, Teddy.

He cuts a piece of the snake off, hands Teddy the empty fork. Teddy takes it, a look of absolute terror on his face.

DR. MIKELSON

Go ahead, you can do this. I have faith in you. You can do this.

Teddy trembles violently. He looks at Dr. Mikelson like a lost puppy, tears stream down his cheeks.

He tries to breathe. But it’s no use. Soon, his respiration is up and his eyes begin to twitch.

DR. MIKELSON

Teddy... You can do --

TEDDY

Noooooooo!

Without warning, Teddy hurls the fork at Dr. Mikelson, like a carnival knife thrower. Dr. Mikelson can’t react in time and the fork lodges in his forehead, as the blood trickles down his face.

DR. MIKELSON

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Teddy curls up in fetal position in his chair, rocks back and forth as Dr. Mikelson’s screams fill the office.

INT. STAFF PSYCHOLOGIST OFFICE -- ARMY BASE (GEORGIA) -- DAY

SUPER: “One year later”

Sterile, gray – standard government issue, except there’s a window. Two wood-framed chairs sit on either side of a small end table with a tacky lamp. The walls are bare, except for the diplomas and a Successories poster on Commitment.

Dr. Mikelson sits across from DR. SMITH (50), an overweight, pasty man with oversized glasses and a lazy eye.

DR. SMITH

Okay, Boomer. You know how this goes. Let’s begin.

He pulls out a picture of a fork and shows it to Dr. Mikelson, who begins to tremble uncontrollably and then bursts into tears.

Just then, through the window, a platoon of Army Rangers jogs by -- including one Pvt. Teddy Sheffield.

DR. SMITH

Tell me what you’re feeling.

NY Rich also managed to include one of the other common threads: stabbing someone with a fork.

4. Never meta entry I didn’t like
=====

[Andy’s](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/a-fork-a-phobia-and-a-photograph#comment-161222) entry recalled [The Koo-Koo-Roo Incident](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2005/inciting-incident-koo-koo-roo-edition), while [Jörg Fischer](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/a-fork-a-phobia-and-a-photograph#comment-161409) saw conspiracy in the contest itself.

5. Brevity is the soul of wit
======

Shorter is generally funnier. I really liked [Synthian’s](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/a-fork-a-phobia-and-a-photograph#comment-161368) Loch Ness Monster bit:

EXT. LAKESHORE – DAY

TIN WHISTLE MUSIC and WAR DRUMS sound amongst Angellan Clover and SPLASHING waves. But all for naught, as...

EDDIE’S POV

is a slightly less breathtaking panorama... of GILLY THE CHUB.

THE CHUB

Look. In like-- less than a minute, this place is gonna be swarming with police. The newspapers are gonna come... and we’re just a couple-a kids. There is NO way they’re gonna let this be our discovery! They’re gonna take everything from us... and you KNOW it-- But there’s one thing they can’t take away. Because in the next thirty seconds... you’re gonna make a decision that’s gonna stay with you for the rest of your life.

Something SPLASHES and SQUAKS with a GARGLING WRETCH OS.

THE CHUB (CONT’D)

And I hope you can appreciate, that we’re in a unique situation right now... that we’re never gonna be in again. So ALL I’m sayin’ is: Dude... we could be the only two guys, ever... to have a juicy bite of Loch Ness Monster.

MONSTER (OS)

Ooaaaaaangh...

THE CHUB (CONT’D)

I know you got that whole... fucking terrified of sea food thing... but that doesn’t matter right now. Because I’m tellin ya’... if we do this! Science Guys ‘ll come pump our stomachs in like, not even 30 minutes, I swear to fuck.

Panicked FLIPPER SOUNDS.

THE CHUB (CONT’D)

And I know I said I’d give you five bucks... and it sucks about my dad dying in the boat and the bubbles and all. No doubt. I acknowledge... that was real fucked up! But right now... its not even about that. Its about something bigger.

He pulls out the Loch Ness photo and holds it out.

THE CHUB (CONT’D)

We had a dream dude. You remember that? We sat in my step mom’s shitty apartment and we stared at this picture in Weekly World News and we said: We are gonna put that mutherfucker in our mouth! And now three months and six thousand miles later the ONLY thing that survives my dad’s fucked up idea of a lake picnic is THIS FORK...

He raises the fork.

THE CHUB (CONT’D)

Fuck that dude... this shit is destiny.

(beat)

So I’m gonna ask you one more time. -- What’s it gonna be? Lets eat us some fuckin monster.

6. Photographs revealing infidelity
=====

A natural choice. One favorite by [Jef Blocker](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/a-fork-a-phobia-and-a-photograph#comment-161404) combined adultery with anthropomorphism in an amusing way. More conventional — but more likely to be a scene in an actual movie — was this entry by [Craig](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/a-fork-a-phobia-and-a-photograph#comment-161411):

INT. DINER – DAY

CHUCK is sitting in a booth, eating alone. LAWRENCE, a far from inconspicuous private detective, walks up to his table.

LAWRENCE

Charles Allen?

CHUCK

Yeah, that’s me. Somethin’ I can do for you?

LAWRENCE

Mind if I sit down?

CHUCK

(Turning his attention away from the stranger and back to his dinner)

I doubt it would matter if I do.

LAWRENCE

I imagine you’re right. Let me explain, Mr. Allen. My name is Lawrence Mead. I work as a private detective.

Chuck looks up from his plate, sauce hanging desperately to his lower lip

CHUCK

Really? I thought the trenchcoat was more of a fashion statement.

LAWRENCE

I’m glad you think this is funny, Mr. Allen. I’m here because of your father-in-law.

CHUCK

Oh, Jackson?

He stops to spear a bite of the meat on his plate. Shoving it into his mouth and not bothering to swallow before continuing.

CHUCK

(Continuing)

How is he? Still the same obnoxious self-aggrandizing--

LAWRENCE

(Cutting him off)

Rich. That’s how he is. Rich and convinced that these business trips of yours involve more than just business.

Chuck stabs another bite with his fork, and points it at Lawrence.

CHUCK

Look, if we’re going to talk business, you might want to get something to eat. The food here is great.

LAWRENCE

That’s all right. I don’t eat food that I haven’t made myself. After that movie, you know with the two girls down in Alabama, I just don’t trust what anybody else tries to serve me.

CHUCK

That’s pretty messed up, if you ask me Larry. You oughta talk to a shrink about that.

LAWRENCE

I didn’t ask you and I didn’t tell you to call me Larry. Besides, I don’t think I’ve got much of an appetite right now anyway.

Lawrence pulls out a photograph and pushes it across the table to Chuck.

LAWRENCE

Your beloved father-in-law is willing to pay me a lot to find out what’s going on when you leave your wife at home all the time for these trips.

He pushes another picture over to Chuck.

LAWRENCE

(Continuing)

A whole lot. Of course, if he gets what he wants, not only do you lose your wife, but you lose access to all her money. The way I see it, these pictures may be worth a good bit more to you than they are to him.

Chuck scrapes up the last of the food on his plate, and as he finishes the bite, picks up one of the photographs.

CHUCK

Fried Green Tomatoes.

(Off Lawrence’s confused look.)

The movie you were trying to think of, the one that’s got you so scared, that’s Fried Green Tomatoes. A chick flick.

He wipes his mouth with his napkin, then looks at the picture again with a smirk.

CHUCK

(Continuing)

Now, let’s talk business.

And the prize goes to…
===

[Marvin](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/a-fork-a-phobia-and-a-photograph#comment-161385), whose entry best demonstrated a key quality in comedy that probably merits its own post: funny writing keeps surprising you, like rumbling thunder you keep expecting to end. It’s not side-splitting, but it’s tight and sprightly.

INT. BEDROOM – DAY

An OLD MAN with liver spots sits at a desk, his back to us.

A KNOCK at the door.

It opens and BILLY, 16, walks in. He sports a James Taylor mane and a private school uniform.

BILLY

Hey Grandpa.

No answer.

Billy curiously looks over Grandpa’s shoulder. A disturbed look comes across his face as he watches his grandfather...

Use a knife and fork to cut into a photograph of an old woman. He slices off an arm and pops it in his mouth.

BILLY

Why are you eating that picture of Grandma?

GRANDPA

I ate all the others. I saved your grandmother for last.

BILLY

Why don’t you just go to the kitchen? We have food.

GRANDPA

You know I’m afraid of dogs. And yours scares the shit out of me. He won’t let me down the hall.

BILLY

We don’t have a dog.

Grandpa looks to Billy, realizing.

GRANDPA

You’re right. You don’t.

BILLY

Did you get into my acid again?

Grandpa nods, “Yes.”

BILLY

Come on.

He helps his grandfather up.

BILLY

Let’s go get you a whopper.

GRANDPA

Can I get chicken fries too?

BILLY

Sure.

As they exit.

BILLY

You smell like piss, Grandpa.

GRANDPA

What do think I’ve been drinking?

Congrats to Marvin and the many runners-up. For the next competition, I’ll probably put a limit on how many times a person can enter (ahem) and may cap the total number of entries. As always, suggestions welcome.

A fork, a phobia and a photograph

Challenge

Now that [Scrippets](http://scrippets.org) are up and working, it’s time for the fourth-ever Scene Challenge. [Scene Challenge]

For the first one, [Masturbating to Star Trek](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/masturbating-to-star-trek), you had to write an entire scene. For the second one, [Make Your Introduction](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/make-your-introduction), you had to introduce one character. The third time involved derivatives, and frankly wasn’t that spectacular.

So this time, I’m casting the net wider. You can write a scene about anything, in any genre. The only catch: you have to incorporate three required elements. As you might have guessed from the headline, your entry must include all of the following:

* A fork
* A phobia, and
* A photograph.

You’re left to your own judgment how far you can bend these elements without breaking the spirit of the competition.

Here are the rules:

1. Post your entry in the comments thread of this article.
2. The comment editing feature is turned on again, but it’s a little shaky. So you’re better off proofreading twice than trying to fix errors later.
3. All entries must be submitted by 8 a.m. PST on Wednesday, September 17th, 2008. Remember that comments are sometimes held in moderation. __Don’t submit twice.__ It will show up. Promise.
4. I’ll pick a winner later that day.
5. Winner receives hearty congratulations and a brief moment in the spotlight.

And…begin.

Scene Challenge coming

Challenge, Scrippets

[Scene Challenge]With [Scrippets](http://scrippets.org) now in place, we’re well set up for a new [Scene Challenge](http://johnaugust.com/archives/category/challenge). But I didn’t want to launch one late on a Friday, when many people may not be checking in to the site.

So look for a new one on Monday morning. (You’ll get at least 36 hours of turnaround.) This time, it will be more in the spirit of 24-hour film festivals, with a set of required elements that must be worked into the scene.

Scene challenge winners

Challenge, Follow Up

Y’know, I think we learned something today: Derivatives were maybe not the best choice for the [third-ever scene challenge](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ).[Scene Challenge]

I deliberately picked something tough because in real life, screenwriters are often faced with [challenging topics to explain](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/how-to-explain-quantum-mechanics). For example, last night I spoke with Ron Bass about the Einstein project he’s working on. Quick: Show special relativity.

But this wasn’t much easier. Readers tried hard to find a way to make these abstract financial instruments cinematically explicable, but it proved tougher than expected. First, you had to find a scenario in which derivatives would make sense. Then you needed to craft an explanation that didn’t read like a Wikipedia summary.

That’s assuming you really understood what derivatives were, and after reading 84 entries, I think I understand them less. In the end, I was happy to accept any of the sub-categories (options, futures, forwards), but kept hoping for more entries where the concept of a derivative was really key to the story, and not a throwaway bit of dialogue. That’s why I threw in my own piece of [Angel fan-fic](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-129753).

That said, I was happy to see that most of the entries didn’t take place on Wall Street, but rather ranged from fantasy ([Alan Scott](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-129712)) to bachelorhood ([Andy](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-129742)).

“John August” was introduced as an element in a [surprising](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-129847) [number](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-129801) of [scenarios](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-129851), a meta-quality that helped break up the sameness, but didn’t win any ribbons.

[Jonathan](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-129867), however, brought up an interesting and obvious analogy I’d overlooked:

ACCOUNTANT

Why don’t you just ask your blog readers to explain it for you?

JOHN

I’ve already tried that. You should have seen the dreck they wrote back. Besides, what do I pay you for?

ACCOUNTANT

(sighing)

When a studio wants to buy your script, but doesn’t want to risk all their money, what do they do?

JOHN

They option the script, so they can buy it at a future date. Crafty devils.

(Jonathan also put me in a jacuzzi with grape-feeding starlets, which suggests he might not know my biography that well.)

[Juicy Lucy](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-129898) found a good example of a character whose entire existence seems to be a pitiful derivative:

A COUGH from across the table causes Popeye and Olive Oyl both to look up, but their companion’s face hides behind his open newspaper, whose headline reads:

PRICE OF BEEF EXPECTED TO PLUMMET BY THE END OF THIS WEEKEND

The newspaper lowers to reveal WIMPY, his yellow top-hat perched precariously on his fat head, his already thin mustache stretching even further when he shoots a sh*t-eating grin at the approaching WAITRESS...

WIMPY

I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday, for a hamburger today.

I liked how [Unkatrazz](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-129935) made the distinction between a stock and derivative:

PAPERWEALTH

Why buy an investment...when you can make a bet on an investment?

Having a character explain his job was a natural choice for many readers. The best of these was [Jacob’s](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-129958):

Next date: Girish is animated. He holds a coffee cup and moves it around the table as he speaks.

GIRISH

Say there is a farmer growing coffee beans in Karala. It’s late July and harvest is still six months away. The problem is that market prices for coffee go up and down for reasons out of his control. In six months, prices could be higher than they are now, which would be lovely. But if prices are lower, he stands to lose his farm. In order to protect himself, he gets together with other farmers in the same position and signs a contract to sell tomorrow’s beans for today’s prices. He gets a little money now, and then when the contract comes due, he sells the beans to the buyer for the agreed-upon price.

Girish pauses, then speaks with emphasis.

GIRISH

Betting that prices will rise, I am that buyer.

Many entries took a glancing shot at derivatives, without really trying to explain them. Of these, [Andy’s](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-129972) was a favorite:

Scrawny BILL GATES (19) signs a contract in black ink.

BILL GATES

We’re in the 70s. Nobody signs in blood anymore.

He smirks at SATAN (∞), who fidgets nervously.

SATAN

I don’t get it.

BILL GATES

It’s basic finance. Derivatives. By the time you get my soul, it could be worth a lot more.

SATAN

Or a lot less.

BILL GATES

But you’re getting it cheap now. Look, either way you get it. You’re covered.

SATAN

Erm... I don’t know...

BILL GATES

Tell you what. I’ll throw in some stocks to sweeten the deal.

BILL GATES offers him the pen. Satan hesitates.

SATAN

Ah, fuck it.

He signs, and at that very moment, a new Circle is carved into Hell.

Crimeland figures played a role in many entries. [Mike Lavoie](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-130087) gets credit for working the most financial terms into a threat:

BURGER

There are four kinds of derivatives, Frank. Forwards, which is the direction we can move in now. Options, which you’re running out of. Futures, a couple of which you can decide now. And finally: swaps. As in: You give me my money and, in exchange, you get the rest of your wife.

The two top finishers come from the other side of the crime equation, with police-types investigating derivative wrongdoing. [David Nemesis](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-129841):

INT. BRANT BUILDING LOBBY – DAY

Eckes and Rosenfeld are walk-and-talking to Rosenfeld’s office.

ECKES

Stop, you lost me. What was Laszlo dabbling in?

ROSENFELD

Weather derivatives. Let’s say you’re Gruber Foods. Your bottom line depends on a good wheat harvest, there are any number of things that can mess that up, and you want to hedge your bets. So you buy up some weather futures.

ECKES

Okay. Wait, what?

ROSENFELD

Weather futures. They’re like an insurance policy on the weather, only no insurer would be crazy enough to put money on the weather. So you go to an options exchange and find someone who’ll sell you a contract that guarantees you a payout if certain things that aren’t likely to happen do happen.

ECKES

Like a snowstorm in the middle of Kansas in July?

ROSENFELD

Well...I’m sure they were thinking more along the lines of a few days of extra rainfall over a 60-day period. But yeah, pretty much. It’s all about variations from the norm. The seller’s taking a calculated risk that their forecasts will be close enough to accurate that they’ll get to keep all the money from the sale.

ECKES

So Laszlo was buying insurance policies which paid out if the weather did something unexpected?

ROSENFELD

Precisely. It’s a great investment opportunity if you just happen to be able to control the weather.

ECKES

Yeah, well, something tells me the folks in the derivatives market don’t know about super powers yet.

And this from [Anthony](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2008/derivativ#comment-129706):

AGENT

Your husband was leading something of a double life. Did you realize he was into derivatives?

WOMAN

(shocked)

You mean ... like transvestites or something?

(a beat)

AGENT

No ma’am. Derivatives. They’re financial instruments – futures, forwards, options.

(beat)

Sort of like stocks, but you’re buying the right or the obligation to make a transaction in the future. Your husband was trading derivatives online. Mostly options.

The woman stares blankly.

The Agent picks up a book from the couch – “Taste of the Town 2008”. It’s one of those coupon books school kids sell for fundraisers.

AGENT

Like the coupons in this book.

(shows her a page in the book)

This Burger Bonanza coupon here – “Any sandwich for 99 cents during the month of December”. That’s like a derivative. When you bought this coupon book you purchased the option to buy an item for a set price at a set time in the future.

WOMAN

I think I liked it better when he was just surfing the Internet for porn. At least my furniture didn’t disappear then.

In the end, I’m giving the imaginary award to Anthony for the coupon book metaphor. Well done. He can claim his bragging rights in the comments section.

Thanks to everyone who entered. I promise next time, it will be something a little more fun.