Writing better scene description
My occasional “How To” articles tend to get a good response, but it’s hard for me to show the difference between the process of writing and the product of writing. No matter how long the article, I can’t go through word-by-word, explaining my decisions. Scrippets only go so far.
So today, something new. I work through a scene on video with the goal of improving the scene description. This is still very much an experiment, so let me know what you think.
As usual on YouTube, buttons in the bottom-right corner let you go full-screen and/or HD.
Filed under: How-To, Scriptcast, Video, Words on the page, Writing Process
Articles
April 5th, 2009 at 9:58 am
This is awesome! Great idea and very useful to see how you break down re-writing a scene. Please keep more of this coming.
April 5th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Keep these coming! Weekly features! Awesome!
April 5th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Loved this approach! There’s nothing better than seeing something done in front of you.
April 5th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Really liked this one, John. Amazing that watching someone write could actually be compelling video!
April 5th, 2009 at 10:38 am
I really appreciate this! Best seven minutes ever
April 5th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Great screencast. As I wrote on Twitter, I got a much better understanding of things this way than by just reading an article.
It was really interesting to see how you work and I snapped up a few tips I didn’t know about like always writing out numbers.
I’d love to see more screencasts!
April 5th, 2009 at 10:46 am
I’ve learned a lot from this. I suppose it’s okay to say thanks.
April 5th, 2009 at 10:48 am
very cool! Glad that you are twittering otherwise I would have missed this. How much to have you do this to my latest pilot?
April 5th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Can you get any more cool?
April 5th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Great stuff. This needs to be weekly. Now I know what your voice sounds like!
April 5th, 2009 at 10:59 am
invaluable… thank you, thank you!
it would be awesome to see regular videos like this.
April 5th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Really, really cool.
I always wonder, though – are regular verbs stronger than participles? Should we say “Phil watches” or “Phil is watching” ? I know the “is watching” has more of an implication of the action continuing… but it always feels stronger to me to say “Phil watches.” What do you think?
April 5th, 2009 at 11:10 am
You are done, August! We know what you sound like… muahahaha! I am surprised you picked a heist type scene involving the hack screenwriter’s go-to passageway… what happened to the Vow of Air Vent Chastity?!
April 5th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Amazing approach. Consider your experiment a success and thanks for posting. I found the video to be remarkably helpful and look forward to seeing more in the future.
April 5th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Very useful (especially since I had notes recently about streamlining descriptions — I come from a fiction background and am always wanting to run off and be narrative). It’s generous of you to do this kind of thing, thanks very much.
April 5th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Invaluable stuff, John. Thank you for your generosity.
April 5th, 2009 at 11:35 am
This is great stuff. Thanks John.
April 5th, 2009 at 11:41 am
This is very helpful. I’d watch more of these.
April 5th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Thank you, John! This is great — please post more as you’re able to.
I also like how your revisions involved more active verbs and kept the description blocks to three lines or less, both things I try to do to make a livelier read.
And now I’m off to give my screenplay another description pass…
April 5th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I loved this. Please do more! You seriously have one of the best websites about screenwriting. Thank you so much.
April 5th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Amanda: For what it’s worth, I’ve always thought it was common screenwriting wisdom that regular verbs are stronger than participles. Sounds more active and saves you a few spaces as well. Maybe John has a different perspective on the issue?
April 5th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I wish I had thought of this first. It makes so much sense to do it this way.
April 5th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Great video, I’m linking …
And I wanted to add, I’m very proud to be an Iowan today, an Iowan in New York City, but an Iowan nonetheless …
April 5th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
This was awesome. So helpful- you have no idea.
One thing you could also do: give us a copy of the scene you will be editing a few days before you show us what you do with it.
We can edit it ourselves and then compare it with yours.
April 5th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
This is a great idea!
I’m quite curious as to what you’ll come with, for this.
April 5th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Absolutely fantastic, very useful – thank you! I was going to ask the same question as Amanda (comment nr. 12) :)
April 5th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
This is the best screenwriting course and it’s 100% free. You’re a dangerous man.
I’m also curious as to the gerund question (Is gerund any more or less correct a term than participle?), but what was amazing was seeing them disappear inadvertently while you fixed things, just in the process of making it more interesting.
April 5th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Brilliant.
April 5th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
That’s a masterclass!..
1 image makes for 1,000 words! the most basic cinematic rule “Show, don’t tell!” at its best!
Thanks John, make it as frequent as you can… it’s just like watching over your shoulder while you’re writing.
April 5th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Wow, excellent!
One cool thing you did, consciously or not, was inject motion into the scenelet. One rule of directing (possibly THE rule of directing) is to always have movement in the scene: either the background, the foreground, or the camera. Neglect that and the scene dies.
You just demonstrated how to do that at the writing level. Congrats.
April 5th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Incredibly helpful video. It’s so much like peering over your shoulder it makes me kinda giddy… Would love to see more of these!
April 5th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Yeah, more of this would be nice.
April 5th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Amazing. Please keep ‘em coming.
April 5th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Thanks for this. It truly is a masterclass. Keep them coming, please!
April 5th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
The wisdom you impart on us is invaluable, John. Thank you for this video.
April 5th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Great idea and executed perfectly. Why did I spend all that money on film school?
April 5th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
great stuff, john
very generous of you to share your time & talent like this
April 5th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate your blog.
This is fantastic.
April 5th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Fantastic! Definitely make this a series!
I want to see similar videos for other kinds of writing. Not from you necessarily, just saying it’s a great idea that could be applied in other fields. Even writing classes for more “boring” kinds of writing (freshman comp, tech, legal) seldom use the live-demo approach, and could benefit from it. “bad-good-better” examples in books only go so far, and don’t illustrate the process.
One suggestion related to this particular experiment: Maybe state the rules of the exercise a bit more up front. Your revision changed a lot of the original, which is entirely appropriate for a certain stage of writing, but it wasn’t clear what stage we were in when we started. Or perhaps all screenwriting takes place at that stage–the production process may rewrite a scene at least this much, and this draft is just to communicate one possibility–and that itself is a lesson worth stating.
Also kudos on nailing the format. Nothing but black text on a white background, just the right size to be legible on std-def YouTube (and better in HD), starting and stopping without intro or ending. A longer example might require some technical tweaking, but it may be best to keep examples about one screenful anyway.
April 5th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Cool how-to, thanks! I definitely appreciate the video format, though it’s probably not necessary for every lesson.
And YAY for the Alias references, hehehe. Makes me want to re-watch seasons 1-3. (After that, not so much…)
April 5th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
I’m preaching to the choir, but hell I love this blog.
April 5th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Hey John,
I’ve been following your website for a few years now but I got very excited while watching this video.
Thank you, this is really great!
I would love to see more of these. I think its a fantastic way of seeing the thought process of a skilled screenwriter in action and would be very beneficial to a lot of writers, especially myself.
April 5th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
This was an excellent tutorial video John!! I definitely would like to see more of these type of videos from you.
April 5th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
One of the most positive learning experiences I’ve had in twenty years of schooling. More please!
April 5th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
No more excuses for writers to deliver the crap from your example! ;)
There has never been a better time to be a starting screenwriter, thanks to great blogs such as yours.
Thank you John.
April 5th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Great stuff, would love to see more – mostly for the little things, that you’re only now telling us because you’re pointing out what you do as you do it.
Stuff like the cluttered clauses and “what are the crew doing?” and such. I think that’s the real interesting stuff here. Thanks!
April 5th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I wonder how long it will be until the DVD series is made a la Syd Field…..?
Good move. I’ll be looking forward to the analysis of the more intricate and in depth parts of your process.
April 5th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
This kicks 16 different kinds of ass. Thanks so much for this experiment and I’m looking forward to more like it.
April 5th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
This was really cool! Thanks!
I also wanted to reiterate Amanda’s question, because I waited the entire video to see you eliminate the passive voice and was a bit surprised to see you didn’t.
April 5th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
A+. Great idea. You’d make a fine teacher!
April 5th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
You know what you did there, John? You just gave every studio exec and producer the idea that they could mount a tiny web camera looking down on their writers screen so they can monitor work in progress, like a machinist in a sweat shop. This is what we’ll become now, like slaves in a galley clocking in and out with every key click.
Nice thinking there, you big overpaid Hollywood asshat.
Only kidding, Big Fish. Nice tutorial. :)
April 5th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Well done, John. One of the better uses of YOU TUBE ever!
April 5th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Thanks for this…I really enjoyed watching and listening to it.
April 5th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
I echo the mob. – Awesome idea.
Its creepy but, I’ve actually NEVER seen that screen before. You’d think we’d have all been staring at that format of explanation for the last decade… but somehow I think we just kind of went a handful of years without it. Too close to the nose to see.
Of course, the Drunken-Scottish-Guy-Of-Insecurity, (who lives in the back of my Mental Senate) is claiming that: This is going to ruin everything! – Suddenly everyone’s going to know how to be a just perfect screenwriter because all the visceral learners (movie geeks) are suddenly going to get it and THE FACADE OF MY TALENT WILL BE DE-STRRRROYED! – Cough -
What was the capture software?
April 5th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
@Folks wondering about “Phil is watching”:
I’ll have a post up tomorrow.
@Synthian:
I used Screenflow. $99, but a lot of headaches solved.
April 5th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
This was awesome! One of the most educational demos in screenwriting I’ve ever seen. Keep ‘em coming!
April 5th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Great idea, John. I would love to see more videos like this in the near future.
April 5th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
I’ll bet you’re a big Strunk & White fan, John. This exercise really reminds me of Strunk’s old chestnut, “Omit needless words.”
I noticed in the line of dialogue you wrote, you use two spaces in-between the two sentences. Do you tend to do this instead of the single-space? I learned the two-space method back in middle school and only broke the habit in the last few years during grad school and went with the single-space method. Egads, have I chosen non-industry standard formatting? Is it a matter of personal preference?
I’m eager to read your reply on the “is waiting” vs. “watches” issue.
April 5th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
More!
April 5th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Wow. I’m just about to do some writing, but when I saw this on Reader I couldn’t resist watching it first. I’m glad I did! I’d like to echo everyone else, and say I’ll be looking forward to more how-to videos. Now I’m off to do some work on my script, paying greater attention to the way I am describing my scenes. Thank you, John!
April 5th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
When I use “INTERCUT” I tend to stop using (V.O.) after character names, assuming the reader can either cut between the two scenes in their mind as necessary, or just visualize both at the same time. In reality, the film editor will decide which location to put onscreen at any given moment within the scene.
However, I noticed that you left the (V.O.) on there after “INTERCUT” and it sort of made sense since the scene description right before the dialogue line focused on the other character. Do you normally continue to use (V.O.) after “INTERCUT” or do you save it for very specific instances where you want to be clear which side of the scene you’re on?
April 5th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Great post! It’s amazing how little attention is paid to writing specific, active description.
A small grammatical point, however — there should not be a comma after “DANCERS” in the opening description. Because “Mike” is the subject of the sentence, one could mistakenly infer from this construction that he is the one “busy setting up for rehearsal.” Eliminate the comma and the (admittedly niggling) modifier problem disappears
April 5th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Thank you. Definitely make this a series.
April 5th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Consider the experiment a success. Can’t wait to see more!
If you were having issues with the screen capture program, check out Snapz Pro X by Ambrosia Software. There’s a free trial so you don’t have to commit any money if you don’t like it, but I’ve found it useful.
If you do try it, a helpful tip…command(apple key)+shift+3 opens the program and stops a recording session.
Take it easy.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:51 am
John, what an amazing idea! That was great fun to watch, even though it was about pretty basic stuff. I’d really like to see one about fixing dialogue now.
April 6th, 2009 at 1:00 am
This is an obvious opening weekend smash hit! I’m going to steal this idea for something I’d like to do (non-screenwriting related). You now have a new revenue source for your golden years.
Aside from how much richer you’ll be someday, this was … it was just … I don’t know … it was just so amazing. When I write well, this is the exact type of revision process I go through. But I’m a prose fiction writer. I haven’t made my bones in screenwriting. It is absolutely invaluable to see someone do it in real time, explaining why something is better for the medium.
Fantastic! Go ahead and give it to us for free. Or, if you’re smart (to get what you deserve compared to other script guru jackasses), start a website with a $20 annual subscription and give us 25 lessons a year. I don’t know, just thinking out loud.
Most of all: Thank you.
April 6th, 2009 at 1:23 am
I learned a while back that you should drop such words as “is” and try to avoid using too many words that end with “ing.” So instead of “is wearing,” “is sitting,” and “is talking,” it should be simply “wears,” “sits,” and “talks.” Also, you forgot to drop the (V.O.) next to Phil because we’re watching him talk to Mike and not watching Mike while hearing Phil through the headset.
April 6th, 2009 at 2:05 am
John
This may be a dumb question but could you do a geeky post on how your organise your various writing projects and their files on your computer?
SJ
April 6th, 2009 at 2:28 am
What can I say that isn’t said already? Well done! Thank you. A perfect tool to get the message through.
April 6th, 2009 at 2:31 am
One word, cool.
April 6th, 2009 at 2:49 am
Loved this! Really very helpful, thanks heaps!
April 6th, 2009 at 3:20 am
Please do more of these. Your blog has been helping us for a long time, this video just turned it up a notch. Thank you so much.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:40 am
This is magic John!
Never knew I would have John August as my screenwriting tutor :)
April 6th, 2009 at 6:31 am
Thanks for that, it was helpful. What I would have loved to see an example of taking a longer description (6, 8, 10 lines) and beat it into two or three lines. I read somewhere longer screen descriptions shout out “Skim over me!” Again, thanks.
April 6th, 2009 at 6:33 am
Would “Phil watches live video…” feel more active than “Phil is watching…?”
April 6th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Very cool idea, Mr. August. Thanks for sharing.
April 6th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Wow – thanks John. This is great, to see someone with skills IN ACTION. I love how you added that sense of vitality to the scene by adding “STAGE CREW and DANCERS busy setting up for rehearsal” – Atmosphere gets neglected a lot, no?
At the end of the video, re-read what you start with – I know it sounds like one of those tacky renovation shows, but – well, some people are too lazy to go back to the start of the video. Haha.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE – do more of these things, do some more for action…
Actually, do some comparisons of different action/description styles, I got you’re first one right here: Stanley Kubrick against Quentin Tarantino.
April 6th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Very helpful. I love this format. Look forward to seeing this with dialogue and other elements of a screenplay.
April 6th, 2009 at 8:33 am
I like the idea, but I can’t watch it at work!
April 6th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Thanks for always trying to help. Hopefully we’re learning.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Just to join the bandwagon – what a great way to expose the process. So, thank you.
Sean
April 6th, 2009 at 9:20 am
great post, john
very generous for sharing your time and talent like this
April 6th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Thanks for the video, John — it was very cool to follow your thought process as you re-wrote the scene description. I hope you make this a regular feature.
One slightly off-topic question: what keyboard are you using? It sounded a little more tactile than most Mac keyboards.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Thanks so much, John! Very insightful and fun to follow.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:34 am
@Not John Gruber:
Believe it or not, this keyboard.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Just wanted to express gratitude. I read this blog all the time. Your generosity of your time and knowledge is appreciated.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Why has no one thought of doing this before? Thanks!
April 6th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Thumbs up on the movie clip idea. Thanks.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:39 am
I hope this video direction works out. It makes a big difference for some reason. Thanks!!
April 6th, 2009 at 11:46 am
This is great. Will there ever be a chance you’d give a screenwriting seminar back at Drake some day?
April 6th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Great work, John! Very interesting to watch.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I’d say “while they set up for rehearsal”
I’d remove “as if talking to his supervisor”… we can figure that out.
I’d remove computer… we know what a laptop is.
I’d say “Phil watches a”.
Truthfully, I would rewrite the whole scene… the revision is much improved from the original but I still don’t like how it reads.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
This was incredibly helpful. I hope you continue this format in posts to come.
April 6th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Keep them coming August! A seriously awesome addition to your excellent blog.
Please cover next:
-How to make characters talk more better.
-Character descriptions: how much to use at first, should you weave the description into a bit of action, or should you pause to describe them.
-Using “beat” in dialog: how much is too much?
-Action scenes: how much should we describe what’s going on?
April 6th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
This is great stuff John. Please keep it coming.
April 6th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Very generous of you. Thanks John
April 6th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Great tutorial. Thanks John.
April 6th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
That was incredibly helpful and amazing.
Also, you sound gay. No, seriously. It’s actually quite obvious.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
I came off as a douche, I apologize… I guess we all have our different ways of writing… except for the original scene description, that was just ugly.
April 7th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Wow, that is truly amazing. Well done, and thanks. Screencasts are powerful things. Screenflow is a great tool, but you just made the case for it better than any of their promotional materials. I hope this coversation about a ventilation shaft isn’t leading where I think it might be leading. :)
April 7th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Huge fan of this format, John. Hope to see more in the future.
April 7th, 2009 at 9:51 am
That was great! I’m sure it’s overly time-consuming to produce and might be too much effort for a weekly thing, but it was really helpful to see the process of fleshing out a scene. Thanks!
April 7th, 2009 at 9:53 am
John, I’m curious, why did you leave PHIL’s line in (V.O.) after you’d added INTERCUT?
April 7th, 2009 at 11:17 am
@Dan-TWB:
That (V.O.) should have been removed. It’s not necessary since we’re intercutting.
@GabbaGoo:
I wholly agree- the finished version of that scene is no masterpiece. In seven minutes, I was trying to bring it from a D to a B-minus. The basic action of it — wearing a headset while talking to someone who is directing you what to do — is pretty cliché.
April 7th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
This was a helpful post. Thanks!
April 8th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
From flood of coments above i would say.. score!! If i knew the CEO at AMX I would say this:
Reading the bazillions of books on what to do/not to do in screenwriting~ TEN DOLLARS
Spending time at frivilous cattle call seminars/pitch sessions about the above~ TEN DOLLARS
J.A. video spelling out what should really not be done and what should… priceless.
Thank God you are not one of them man. Truly amazing that you take the time to give back and teach in this method.
April 9th, 2009 at 4:34 am
Hey, John, fantastic article! I really think you should put together in-depth & expanded versions of Scene, Character, Dialogue, Action/Effects and Location/Background descriptions on a software DVD/download. I would be the first to buy! I’d easily spend up to $100 for a series of discs!
April 10th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Sooo Awesome!! thanks tons for this John!
April 12th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I was skeptical about this. Why would the best way to explain how to WRITE a screenplay be through video?
I stand corrected. This was simply incredible. All throughout film school, in every script workshop i ever took, i always felt there was such a big gap between what a teacher was saying and actually doing it. This method finally breaks down that barrier.
Congrats! Keep them coming!
April 13th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Awesome!
April 17th, 2009 at 6:56 am
A sachel is a bag carried on the shoulder by a long strap.
April 17th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Gotta say, the video tutorials rock! And to provide this service for free too, you’re really helping us aspiring writers, thanks John.
April 26th, 2009 at 11:00 am
This is an incredible way to do this. I’m sure it’s a time saver for you also.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
This is terrific, John. Possibly the most useful screenwriting tutorial I can remember.
The closest thing I’ve seen to this was this article on growing sentences with David Foster Wallace.
http://www.kottke.org/09/03/growing-sentences-with-david-foster-wallace
Your video approach is just wonderful.
I’d love to see a video lesson that goes from outline/treatment to the first draft of a scene.
And another one that tightens or polishes a scene during later stage rewrites.
Best,
F