Challenge results
![[Scene Challenge]](http://johnaugust.com/Assets/scene_challenge.png)
Oh, so that’s why I don’t do these more often.
There were 145 entries for the Superheroic Scene Challenge, and some of them were looooong. Printed out, they totaled 406 pages. Going side-by-side shrunk it to a still-ridiculous 203.
My assistant Matt and I read every one. We have a lot of honorable mentions.
Favorite hero names include Trilobyte, Mighty Mandi, The Level, Harico Ver, and The Endurist.
I enjoyed seeing the wide range of possible interpretations on villain Brickhouse. Given the name, there were a slew of German/Austrian variants, but it was nice to see the occasional Victorian spin, the blaxpoitation vixen, and the villain who could become the entire building. (Appropriately, his nemesis was Breckin Wall, a.k.a. Wreckin’ Ball.)
The challenge was to write an action scene, so I couldn’t give the gold medal to entries that were more talk than walk. But I enjoyed the non-action of this diner conversation, this con game, and this riff on nanotechnology and bio-bots.
And you can’t get more non-action than an excellent Buddhist superhero.
Finally, there were some that made the short list. Nima (he made Scrippets!) combined robots with a Buffy-esque heroine. The Divide combined robots with golems. Chip Street kept the action tight, as did Bill K.. Ryan Jackson explored the implications of Dora’s magic backpack, while DougJ went the teddy bear route.
The winner actually came quite early in the stack: #7 by Spenturion, in which hero Azure battles Brickhouse while coaching a group of pre-teens in proper quips. It’s light on action, but keeps a nice tempo. And it’s short, which is no small victory.
EXT. CITY MUSEUM OF UBIQUITIES – NIGHT
Our hero, AZURE stands patiently waiting on the large marble front steps. Dressed in bright blue body kevlar and donning a pair of goggles on his head.
Around him stand three boys ages 9-13: a FAT BOY, a SHORT BOY and a NERDY BOY. They are all wearing matching blue t-shirts, and a cheap knock-off goggles.
AZURE
All right. Brickhouse is going to be coming through that door at any moment.
Right on cue, CRASH!
BRICKHOUSE comes tumbling through a solid brick wall, about 15 yards from the door. He stands tall, at about eight feet and built like his namesake implies.
He’s carrying a golden jeweled STAFF in his right hand. It looks like a pencil proportionately.
AZURE (CONT’D)
Remember what we talked about?
FAT BOY
Open the fight with witty banter.
AZURE
That’s right. Ok, I’ll take him on, you guys do like we practiced.
Brickhouse lets out a deep bellied laugh, and begins to run toward the group. He runs like a toddler, throwing his weight in to it with no fear, ready to topple at any moment.
BRICKHOUSE
Azure? God you’ve let yourself go. You a camp counselor?
Azure takes off running towards the man, at an impossible speed.
SHORT BOY
(overconfident)
That’s what she said.
Azure takes a flying leap, landing on the oaf’s back. He grips Brickhouse by the hair and begins PUNCHING him in the face.
AZURE
(between punches)
That’s not really so much banter... more importantly it didn’t make sense.
BRICKHOUSE
Get off of me!
Brickhouse tries to swat him away like a fly, all the while still barrelling towards the group of boys. Azure covers Brickhouse’s eyes.
FAT BOY
You’re momma’s so fat--
The short boy stops mid sentence as Brickhouse TRIPS, launching himself and Azure along with him, in to the air.
What follows is nothing short of beautiful: 600 pounds of muscle hits the ground, hard, tearing through the marble of the steps like tissue.
Azure rides the man like a surfboard.
They end up too close for comfort for the costumed boys, who all take a few steps back.
AZURE
We went over this!
Brickhouse struggles as he’s pinned down.
SHORT BOY
The bigger they are--
AZURE
(scolding)
Don’t even finish that...
BRICKHOUSE
(holds up staff)
Do you know what this is? I’ve got the Staff of Ptelomy! Do you know how long I’ve waited to get my hands on this staff?
SHORT BOY
That’s what she said!
AZURE
Better! Still not what I’m after.
BRICKHOUSE
How do you put up with this?
FAT BOY
You better put up or shut up!
AZURE
Again, not making sense.
The Nerdy boy begins to speak up, but cuts himself short and takes a step back.
Azure catches this and makes direct eye contact, punching Brickhouse instinctually.
AZURE (CONT’D)
Come on... you can do it. Can’t be much worse than what we’ve had so far.
NERDY
When we’re done with you, they’ll call you Pile-of-bricks.
AZURE
Finally.
WHACK! Azure lands a final heavy punch.
Brickhouse is beyond limp.
Azure grabs Brickhouse and THROWS him in to a nearby lightpole.
The metal pole bends around his weight and collapses. Azure approaches, takes the bar and wraps it around Brickhouse’s body, forming an impromptu straight jacket.
Red and blue lights flash as tires screech to a halt nearby.
Out of the eyesight from the children, Azure drops his heroic facade and lights up a cigarette.
BRICKHOUSE
What a bunch of wash-ups. How’d you get stuck training wannabes?
AZURE
Court ordered. I might have destroyed an orphanage fighting Gigantathorn.
BRICKHOUSE
I hate orphans.
Congrats to Spenturion, and to all the entrants for making the Best Challenge Ever. The next one will be limited to three sentences.
Articles
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Congratulations, Spenturion — nice work.
Thanks John, for the challenge. Good fun.
I’m happy to have made the short list. That in itself is an accomplishment among such fine company.
Now to go write something short – I hear a Twitter ‘Zine calling me…
Good writing, all!
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Wow, heroic effort on the part of the judges. Thanks John.
Congrats everyone! Now I have to go back and read them…
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Funny that the example given for action scenes before the challenge was from Heat, leading one to assume that this challenge was about writing action scenes and creatively pacing them to hit an appropriate tempo, yet, as expected, it’s the gimmicks that win out. Proving, yet again, it’s not the quality of writing that sells, it’s the gimmick. Lesson learned.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Sorry, that last post came off a little bitchy. Thanks to John and his assistant for reading all of those scripts and judging fairly. Congratulations to the winners and the honorable mentions alike. And, as always, thanks to John for running such a great, informative and fun blog :-)
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Thanks for the mention for The Level, and thanks for coming up with a great challenge!
Had a lot of fun working on this, and it’s clear many others did, too.
July 23rd, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Excellent! This was a great scene, and I normally don’t like children. “We went over this!” Good stuff.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:01 pm
FYI, I was originally going to have a superhero named Beige, but then I saw the hero named Azure and decided to rethink the whole thing. So not only is Spenturion the winner, he/she is also a cockblock!
I think the interesting thing about these challenges is the statistical analysis of what people end up writing. I did a little bit of that last time and the results were interesting. I don’t really have time to do it again, but if someone else wants to tally how many heroes were male and how many were female, and other such factoids, I think it might be informative. (This is a sad attempt on my part to get someone else to do my work for me. Is it working? :)
PS: I love robots.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Well last time I did the same things everybody else did. At least this time I can take pride in knowing mine was different, even if it wasn’t worth of mention.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:35 pm
A well-deserved win for Spenturion. Very entertaining.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Grats to Spenturion!
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Hey John – maybe once you’ve had a chance to rest your eyes, you could make a post about what you were looking for in a winning entry here? And what some of the most common mistakes were?
It was great fun to participate, but I also want to learn and improve. And, while I won’t say this in the same tone that Muffin said it, my untrained eye doesn’t really see what made Spenturion’s entry better than several others (I’m not including mine on that list!). I was under the impression that the focus here was on writing good scene description, not coming up with a creative interpretation of the setup (important as that is).
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:50 pm
I think this is a fantastic example of how subjective writing really is.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Chip Street got my vote, for what it’s worth – and he’s a nice guy to boot, chiming in with the first congratulations.
Very close second to Aneirin.
Interesting to hear others’ thoughts for the Audience Award wreath.
Massive effore from all, esp. John & Matt.
Thanks for the reads.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:54 pm
This was fun. Mine was written all in one sitting… hope it didn’t show TOO much.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Well done, All!
Thanks, John (and Matt for reading)! This was a lot of fun.
It’s nice to see so many creative folks out there willing to jump in and play around.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Woo, I didn’t do too bad. The fact that John August printed out what I wrote and read it has made my evening.
Well done people!
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Oh and Ryan Jackson gets my vote for audience favorite. It genuinely made me giggle.
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:08 pm
@James Hutchinson
Totally agree with the sentiment. Still a bit disappointed, as I’m sure the rest of us are, but totally agree.
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:13 pm
I too would like to hear what the common mistakes were and you were looking for in a winning scene, John.
My audience votes go to:
37 Stephan Vladimir Bugaj
http://johnaugust.com/archives/2009/superheroic-scene-challenge#comment-172306
143 Ken Ochalek
http://johnaugust.com/archives/2009/superheroic-scene-challenge#comment-172424
I thought both were good examples of tight action and interesting movement.
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:14 pm
P.S. Thank you for this exercise!
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:30 pm
John and Matt, thanks very much for taking the time to read our entries. This is a great website.
Like Rob, I’m interested in reading more about what you liked and didn’t like in the entries. Your “Writing Better Scene Description” video (http://johnaugust.com/archives/2009/scene-description) was fantastic. It’s very educational to see a pro pick apart writing, and I’d happily submit my entry to your scalpel.
July 23rd, 2009 at 6:55 pm
@Kenny Mac – thanks for that!
I too would love it if John found the time to give a bit more insight into his process. Not sure I understood:
“The challenge was to write an action scene, so I couldn’t give the gold medal to entries that were more talk than walk.”
Followed by the comment about the winning entry:
“It’s light on action, but keeps a nice tempo.”
Mind you, no complaints from me… happy to be a contender. But would be fun to have a bit more insight.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:13 pm
John,
As one of the main offenders in terms of length, let me just say congratulations to you and your assistant for merely surviving this, much less being able to pick winners and such.
Thanks again for such a fun challenge.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Just thinkin’…
In a creative writing class I was in once, there was a class devoted to the art of sex scenes; turns out many people (at least in the class, anyway) avoid them when writing, and as Josh Freidman has pointed out (http://hucksblog.blogspot.com/2005/11/toilet-of-mickey-rourke.html), Hollywood does tend to lack “good” sex scenes…
Perhaps your next challenge may involve one…?
Just thinkin’.
And by the way: Congratulations to all the winners of this most recent challenge!
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:18 pm
@gilliebean — Thanks, your audience vote is much appreciated. I like minet, too, and had fun writing it. But I suspect at the very least it fell into the “Jesus Christmas I’m tired of reading these friggin’ things, and let’s see — damn, another long entry” category. And that is a totally legit fail.
My audience vote probably goes to Chip Street, as I agree with John about his action being tight. There’s another one I felt that way about that I copied into a notepad doc at hom, which I’ll try to remember to dig up later and give props to. I also was amused by the one that turned Brickhouse into a dog.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:19 pm
(Sorry to post-twice)
I do realize you did the “Masturbating to Star Trek”; I would consider the two “different”.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Hooray! Spenturion is my best bud. He actually convinced me to do the challenge in the first place. He has been texted and notified.
Congrats!!
Thanks so much to John and Matt for reading a whopping 406 pages of scripts. You guys are my heroes.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Winning is for pussies ;). Never mind that, i would have wanted to c clowns in this contest also. Checked out your last excercise and i do think Smoky the one eyed evil clown would have been a great Anti Hero…Or maybe it only sounds funny when you are not a native(or a fan of Bruce Willis’s one line action quotes). A little ass kissing cumments above(but i think its respected in your parts of the world, we r fond of mutual ass kissing which is a little back streching) and good spirit all in all, and when you read a blog that is what realy mattars, So good day to the readers and good luck to Lance.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Inspiration is truly priceless, and when you multiply it by a factor of 145, anyone here who doesn’t understand that John is the true winner, is seriously lacking in long-distant vizion. A challenge, a winner of the contest, and 145 people dreaming of stars! As Eric Myers so succinctly said just yesterday “John August is indeed “”the man.”"
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Inspiration is truly priceless, and when you multiply it by a factor of 145+, anyone here who doesn’t understand that John is the true winner, is seriously lacking in long-distance vizion. A challenge, a winner of the contest, and 145+ people dreaming of stars! As Eric Myers so succinctly said just yesterday “John August is indeed “”the man.”"
Rich
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:19 pm
I made the short list!? That’s awesome! It’s nice to have a big gun like John mention my name.
July 23rd, 2009 at 8:20 pm
emily blake July 23rd, 2009 at 6:08 pm
“Oh and Ryan Jackson gets my vote for audience favorite. It genuinely made me giggle.”
Thanks Emily! :)
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Excellent challenge for all involved. Great blog also! Thanks for throwing us a bone John. Loved reading everyone’s interpretation. Always good to have a deadline too. :)
Guess I read too much into the ’summer blockbuster’ and ‘action’ angles… Wasn’t interested in wrappin’ an popcorn epic up in one scene. LOL.
As an aspiring I too would love to hear about the common mistakes made.
Also can someone explain how to get a scrippet to display in Courier font only? The multiple font thing was driving me nuts!
Hopefully everyone keeps at it and sells a few down the road.
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I, too, am pretty stoked to make the short list. I just woke my girlfriend up to tell her the news. Her response: “Yay.”
Thanks for taking the time to read them John. Good man, you are.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:05 pm
That was pretty funny. Congrats! And to the readers/judges as well. That’s pretty grueling.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:16 pm
Thanks for the challenge!
I’m pretty new to this web site, but I’ve been around and I must say that I’ve found some pretty usefull advices from you, John.
Will keep reading for sure.
Merci :)
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:52 pm
First… All hail Matt and John’s bravery before the Slushpileian horde.
@ Chip Street – Easy audience fave… Best hero. (What city you in?)
@ Tyler R. – Cool understated dialog. – Very “Iocaine powder comes from Australia”. I’d fully buy a copy of, “The Reasonable Adventures of Mark”.
@ EK – Dig the creepy “Edgar Suit” hobo.
@ Emily Blake – “which doesn’t work because of physics.” <– that’s why I read your stuff. :)
I pussed out because the concept of Brickhouse being a psychic weakling (probably damaged by people who locked him in a brick smokehouse as a child) came rushing in a day too late, but the rest of you rocked it, & I’m jealous, so…
Congrats all. :)
July 24th, 2009 at 12:47 am
Great challenge and congrats all!
“Hey John – maybe once you’ve had a chance to rest your eyes, you could make a post about what you were looking for in a winning entry here? And what some of the most common mistakes were?
It was great fun to participate, but I also want to learn and improve.”
Seconded. Not so much what you were looking for but common mistakes etc. should be interesting. :)
July 24th, 2009 at 5:36 am
I have to agree with Muffin. I did not participate this time because I did not have the time, but I had an idea that I viewed as the opening sequence for a longer film. My jokes were secondary to the action that would set the stage to the inner conflict my hero was feeling. This would have been played-out in the rest of the imaginary film.
Certainly the winning entry could work as the beginning of a film. That film was already made at least once with Burt Reynolds as the crusty police officer in charge of an adorable African American boy. It was horrible. “Azure and the Orphans” makes a cute scene and a great short joke, but was it really a great action sequence. And could you fit it into a larger film?
I don’t mean to say that Spenturion isn’t a good writer. S/he is very clever and writes well. Specifically the “tissue paper” metaphore was brilliant. But it seems that winning these challenges is more about making a “funny pitch” rather than being able to answer the assignment.
And finally, the “Museum of Ubiquities” would have nothing rare in it. In fact, there would be an entire hall designed to look like a row of the storefronts of Starbucks, Abercrombie, Payless ShoeSource, etc. None of the entries I read got that one. That was disappointing.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Ubiquities – a new word, i thought it was a name. I would have to say a museum of Reality T.V. shows, and commercials to Reality T.V. shows. I would not even be surprised if my life is one – and if that is so, then somehow i am ‘losing it’ ( ;) )
July 24th, 2009 at 6:42 am
Thanks, John. It was a good challenge – one I was looking forward to all week, but when it came time to actually write a superhero action scene, I realized it’s not as easy as I expected. It would have taken me a whole week to develop A) the superhero, B) the supervillain, and C) the action. Still, I’m happy with the fact that I was the only writer to make something out of your throwaway “Museum of Ubiquities” gag.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Fred (#38):
Give me SOME credit, for chrissake. I may not have written any action – thereby rendering the whole exercise pointless – but I DID cover the rarity/ubiquity confusion.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Hell, I think I’ll make Silver Streak into an actual character. It was fun. I didn’t expect to win. I kind of hope I never win any contests as my “mentors” agree that contests suck.
I only do stuff like this to see if I can. The thing only took about 15 minutes.
Nothing like a Super Fight.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Wow, definitly did not think I’d win. That’s cool though. It was a lot of fun to do, and I’m eager for the next one.
Going along with a common theme in this thread: John August = True Winner. Reading all of those scenes must have been a marathon and picking out a winner grueling. Seriously thank you John.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Congratulations, Spenturion. Your scene was formulaic, but that’s what sells these days – and you were very imaginative and clever with it. “Gigantathorn” is a fantastic idea, as is ending a scene with the line “I hate orphans.” Well done.
July 24th, 2009 at 8:56 am
To be honest here, I don’t agree with John and his selection.
My point is that he chose (seemingly) based on how well do the entries adhere to the structure of a screenplay, aka THE FORMAT.
My feeling is that he (mostly) overlooked THE CONTENT.
I understand the importance of structure (hence why I think my entry was poor), but I don’t understand nor support the lack of attention given to story and storytelling.
Also, what I did not get why most of the entries had bad language (since when is this requirement for a superhero movie?)…
Anyway, this whole scene challenge is nice, but useless unless feedback is given. Otherwise, what is the point? I would have appreciated a detailed explanation for why the winner was chosen and perhaps even an after the fact example written by Mr. August himself. Having a successful writer read your material and not say a word about it is pretty much annoying. I lost sleep and time writing my material. I have a job and a family and wrote my entry in the tiny amount of spare time available to me. I stayed up until 2 a.m just bashing my head to find a “twist”, a “hook” with which to separate my entry from the obviously boring style of “superhero vs supervillain”. I still wanted to have action, but I wanted it to have an emotional impact.
I find it amusing to see that sometimes properly formatted mediocrity wins in the face of “rough” quality (again, not speaking about my entry).
Anyway, just wanted to vent my disagreement with some of the choices made by Mr. August as I had my own 2 favorites, well written, brilliantly structured, yet only one of them made the shortlist, while a few from the shortlist I found to be…lacking (being polite).
July 24th, 2009 at 9:01 am
By the way Donovan, my material also worked the angle of Ubiquities being commonplace items; as a matter of fact I made it a part of the storyline/the twist.
I hated writing about “the staff of What’s-his-face” without actually having the item carry an importance, a value higher than just “existing”. I made its lack of value a part of the dialogue and gave an emotional value rather than a material one.
Stop hogging the limelight (joking).
July 24th, 2009 at 9:15 am
thanks for running the challenge, john. (and for slogging through all the entries.)
one way this has been Very helpful is that it gives us readers perspective on the way execs, agents, and managers must invariably respond to the deluge of specs that come across their desk. i mean, how many of us – aspiring screenwriters all – looked at the volume of entries and starting thin-slicing our way to the ones that stood out immediately?
the lesson here is: make your scripts streamlined, make them interesting, make them distinctive…that goes for single-scene challenges and for full length pieces.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Thanks, Synthian!
And thanks, John. I think I get better with each one of these we do.
I agree, I’d love to see a more detailed post of what people did right and wrong.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Nice work, Spenturion! Entertaining and impressively short.
Very fun challenge.
July 24th, 2009 at 9:42 am
@Synthian – Wow, thanks! Santa Cruz, CA (near San Jose). I try to make it to LA once or twice a year. Click my name for a little back story on the entry.
In the end, it’s just an exercise and an opportunity to have John August (and all his talented blog followers) read your work. That’s the prize, win or lose.
I’m glad it was John and Matt who had to make the decision. Thanks again for the challenge, guys. Good fun.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Congratulations, Spenturion.
See, they were wrong when they told you that size matters. Shorter than average and you still won!
Remember, blow out all that candles, at once.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Pete is right about his comment on “thin-slicing.” I was thinking the same thing. We write from our imagination, but we live in reality. This contest is a microcosm for the marketplace.
When faced with a deluge of paper, it is the terse, the streamlined, the clear, and the humorous that win out. So next time you finish your spec at 120 pages — instead of 110 — think of this contest.
I disagree with Vlad that John overlooked content in favor of style. Read John’s honorable mentions and you will see a myriad of style issues. But what they did have in common were strong content choices. If anything, many stylistically solid pieces were overlooked in favor of an outside-the-box hero or an unusual magic power.
My take-away is the subjectivity of the contest, and of writing in general. All the entries are still there in the original post and everyone here can read them and make-up his or her own mind. I would be incredibly surprised if everyone chose the same clear-cut winners.
This is true in a writer’s group, or when you give your script to friend. Very often the feedback you will receive will reflect more on the reader than your own writing.
Thus to choose Spenturion’s scene is to dig that scene’s VIBE — taste, execution, etc. Because Spenturion’s work was one of the first to post, I actually read it. And while I think it is very well-written, there are at least ten more I find superior.
I say that not to hurt Spenturion’s wonderful work, but to give perspective to the many other posters here who might be scratching their heads after they read all the honorable mentions. I think this one reason you have many giving acclaim to “Chip Street,” and others.
Because these contests are transparent and public, they have a way of democratizing out…
Good work to everyone. And John, you have my deepest gratitude. Good work, good selections, and thank you for doing this.
July 24th, 2009 at 10:54 am
@Vlad.M (#46), I would dial down your tone. John spends a lot of time to help writers out — this contest being one example. Look at the rest of his website for other examples. He doesn’t have to do this.
No, it’s not at all. Every participant got a chance to practice writing to arbitrary constraints. Practice is essential. In your script post, you mentioned you’ve written a total of 30 pages of script in your life. This challenge has bumped that by a reasonable percentage, so you’ve benefited whether you realize it or not. Some argue that true expertise takes something like 10,000 hours of work (or a million words).
Yes, more feedback would be very educational but it’s something we can hope for and not demand. The feedback you have is whether your work was mentioned. If it wasn’t mentioned, it didn’t make as much of an impression on John and Matt as other scripts. This isn’t to say it’s bad or their judgement is supreme. It just gives you one data point, similar to other writing contests. Except you didn’t pay. And the judge is a known pro.
Vlad, take this as the constructive criticism it’s meant to be. Your attitude isn’t going to win points with many writers. I know a lot of writers — many (> 30) are professionally published or have won large contests with cash prizes. Almost all of them, published and unpublished, have put a lot of effort into honing their craft and sacrificed huge amounts of free time, money, careers. It’s very humbling to see the enormous efforts of others. If you’re trying to optimize time spent vs. reward, you are absolutely in the wrong field. Very few will make it. Even fewer will make it big. The process has to be its own reward.
July 24th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Y’know, folks, these contests are done for fun — John’s and ours. The winner/short-listers aren’t getting any money, or a development deal, or anything like that. Please stop taking all the fun out of it.
And for what it’s worth, I didn’t think Spenturion’s entry redefined cinema, but it was really damn funny. There’s not much you can do with superhero action that hasn’t been done a million times over, so it wasn’t surprising that the winner would be something in the satiric realm.
July 24th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Some common issues kept many good entries from making it to my short list. If I were running this again, my advice would be:
Don’t attempt too much. It’s a scene, maybe a short sequence. A few entries felt like they had find-and-replaced an existing script with new character names.
Get some closure. . Yes, it’s one scene — but it’s also the only scene we’re going to see. So it’s important to make it feel like a complete thought.
Pick a sense of scale. Brickhouse can be a big normal guy (a Batman villain) or an actual behemoth (a Superman villain), and the action can be sized accordingly. But some entries couldn’t decide.
Get to the point. The rules gave you the setup; you don’t need to repeat it.
Tell me what you’re going to do, then do it. The best entries made it clear what their unique spin would be within the first few lines. They set expectations, then surpassed them.
July 24th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
My favorites:
Jacob (keeps you on the edge throughout, a great ostrich ending)
Shawn Morrison (superhero drawing up a contract before doing his duty; good fun)
Francis (with a funny sidekick lady mouthing probabilities; a drunk superhero; weak ending but a good read overall)
ek (a sneeze is the main event here, very cleverly written)
And my winner is:
The above entries felt as if they were going somewhere, going somewhere interesting. There was a sense of story unfolding, keeping one hooked, eager for ‘what happens in the next sentence’. A majority of the entries submitted (including perhaps mine) lacked this.
It was like trying to read noise. One just switched off after a point. One can easily imagine the kind of movies these would turn into simply because you can see them everywhere these days, all arms and legs and jumps and cuts without any inkling of what is hitting whom or why.
My commendations to Matt and John for going through all of them, must have been maddening, hair-destroying. And special mention must be made for the swiftness of it all: the commencement, the postings, the results, all in three days flat. Very different from regular contests that chug on for months and months.
July 24th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Sorry for reposting — the numbers didn’t show up correctly:
My favorites:
No. 91 – Jacob (keeps you on the edge throughout, a great ostrich ending) No. 98 – Shawn Morrison (superhero drawing up a contract before doing his duty; good fun) No. 119 – Francis (with a funny sidekick lady mouthing probabilities; a drunk superhero; weak ending but a good read overall) No. 138 – ek (a sneeze is the main event here, very cleverly written)
And my winner is: No. 126 – Mike K (about an immortal superhero who is desperate to die). Congrats Mike, a good story nicely told.
The above entries felt as if they were going somewhere, going somewhere interesting. There was a sense of story unfolding, keeping one hooked, eager for ‘what happens in the next sentence’. A majority of the entries submitted (including perhaps mine) lacked this. It was like trying to read noise. One just switched off after a point. One can easily imagine the kind of movies these would turn into simply because you can see them everywhere these days, all arms and legs and jumps and cuts without any inkling of what is hitting whom or why. My commendations to Matt and John for going through all of them, must have been maddening, hair-destroying. And special mention must be made for the swiftness of it all: the commencement, the postings, the results, all in three days flat. Very different from regular contests that chug on for months and months.
July 24th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Congratulations to Spenturion and the others who stood out from the slush pile.
And many thanks to Matt and John for setting up the competition and reading them all. It was more fun for us posters than for you judgers, I’m sure.
July 24th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Thank you, John for the fun escape. Also, could we please establish how we need to go about posting a correctly formatted scrippet? I used both Final Draft & TextEdit to write up the scene & it looked fine in a test blog & in the preview for your site, but when posted, it came out all mangled. Could someone whose post came out correctly please explain which program they typed & copied/pasted with? It would be of great help in the future. Thanks.
July 24th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
I worked in notepad as an RTF, copied and pasted to the comment field in the test blog, made a few edits, watching the preview. Copied from the test blog comment field (before posting) and pasted into the comment field here.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Jesus, there’re more sour grapes in here than in a gallon of Two Buck Chuck.
Congrats to Spenturion – enjoyed your scene much.
And thanks for mentioning my silly entry John. I found it fun, which I’m pretty sure was the point of the whole exercise…
July 24th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
OK, a few points:
1) I never actually made any insulting comment towards Mr. August. He is a respected writer, and that’s great, guess what? I’m also respected in my field of work. But I bet that if have contest for people to do what I do in 3 days and Mr. August would take part, he’d also want to have a little feedback. I said I don’t see the point in having a contest like this one and then not give feedback. WHY? I get that it’s about getting me writing, getting me thinking, putting me under pressure. I LOVED THAT! But unless I understand what I did wrong, I might repeat the same mistakes. The point of telling someone they are wrong is to then tell them why and where they are wrong.
I thank Mr. August for post No.56. THAT is feedback, had that been included in the “announcing the winner” post, then I would have shut up.
2)I am not expecting to get anything out of this. I don’t think Mr. August is obligated to give me back anything for my work. I don’t want him to take a week off and describe in detail every little mistake I or others made in our entries. Again, something like Post 56 is great and much appreciated.
3) Some people here are writers. Aspiring, amateur, professional. I have written and published poetry and prose. I’ve never done more than dabble in script writing. That’s why I got “angry” about the importance of format over story. Format is learned, it’s not natural. Structure and story are. Perhaps I was out of my league trying to compete with some of the other contestants.
4) Guess what? Don’t care about losing. I knew I would lose. What I am extremely happy about is the fact that I set some rules for me that I adhered to (no bad language, use the “ubiquities” thing, give the story an emotional, personal angle). I am also happy that I gave my material to some friends to read(people who have their own artistic, yet non-film related endeavors) AND THEY ALL LOVED IT (which never happens with them).
5) I thank Mr. August for the work he puts into this blog, these contests and I am happy to have been given the chance to be read by someone with his experience in this field. I do apologize to him if I were rude, not my intention.
So, when’s the next one :D
P.S. Mr. August, as a reader of your scripts. I loved God and wish that Ops actually became real. I do enjoy your writing style and hopefully I haven’t left you with the impression that I’m an annoying amateur writer who simply wants to have people lie about his work. I admire and respect honesty above all else and I’m just trying to improve.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
good thing there wasn’t like a three-picture deal at stake for the winner– imagine THAT backlash…? geez…
July 24th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Sometimes, some people are born without a Spirit-to-Text filter… so a lot of the things they type feel a lot darker energy than they ever meant to send out… then they can’t un-wriggle it :) … So I don’t fault ‘um… it happens to me all the time. :)
July 25th, 2009 at 1:59 am
Dear Whiny Bitches,
This topic is over. Stop complaining about why you lost or complaining about the people who are complaining.
John- please close comments on this. They are annoying.
July 25th, 2009 at 6:11 am
Vlad M.:
You are owed NOTHING.
Ridiculous.
Vlad, you have a family so I assume you’re an adult. Look, you entered a free contest. You didn’t win because the people judging the contest didn’t think your entry was good enough to win. That’s it. You do not pay John August to teach you. He provides this service for free. Again, you are owed nothing.
Perhaps the point of this exercise wasn’t to find the best scene but to see who would act like a petulant child when they don’t win. Your deamanor and maturity is part of a screenwriter’s career. In that respect, you failed.
July 25th, 2009 at 7:26 am
I didn’t have time to enter and I’m not done reading all of them yet — my eyes are blurring at this point — but congrats to the winner and honorable mentions.
Just by perusing the entries I’ve learned a number of things. Some have lean character descriptions which I tend to like, others had very long, conversationy action parts, which I felt distracted from the actions’ impact. Some just “looked” wrong –regardless of content, there wasn’t enough white space. On those I didn’t read so much as skim.
Some had jokey parts that took up what seemed to be two or three pages but weren’t really that funny in the end, which seemed a waste of precious space. Others were really, really good; they had a vibe, a rythm to them that made me want to keep reading. I can use these observatiions to re-examine my own scripts.
Thanks John and Matt!
**For some people here who were expecting some type of in-depth analysis (Vlad, I’m talking to you, buddy), the Austin Film Festival has a “coverage” program where you can send your script in and get “coverage” notes. It’s a hundred bucks and they’ll tell you specific stuff about your script. I sugggest you go there. I’ve gotten good feedback from it. It’s in accordance with their film festival so I don’t think you can do it year round — google their website for the info.
July 25th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Kevin Arbouet, if u find people saying bad things about you it’s because you think too much of yourself. Go relax, sleep, eat or something and read again what u wrote – because that was really unnecessary. I read the responses to this post because I participated in the contest – and there was a lot of good spirit congratulations and criticism. But I don’t know if it’s because of me being of another culture, but there was too much self indulgent and ass kissing. For those I would say:” Take responsibility for your writings – YOU are writing it, and actual people are reading it AND GETTING HURT BY YOUR CONTEMPT FOR THEM AND THEIR OPINIONS, and using the blog writer a some totem pole to justify that treatment wouldn’t make you much better – just dumber. And for the blog writer-YOU should have said that earlier.
July 25th, 2009 at 10:37 am
[quote]Some common issues kept many good entries from making it to my short list. If I were running this again, my advice would be:
Get some closure. . Yes, it’s one scene — but it’s also the only scene we’re going to see. So it’s important to make it feel like a complete thought.
Pick a sense of scale. Brickhouse can be a big normal guy (a Batman villain) or an actual behemoth (a Superman villain), and the action can be sized accordingly. But some entries couldn’t decide.
Get to the point. The rules gave you the setup; you don’t need to repeat it.
Tell me what you’re going to do, then do it. The best entries made it clear what their unique spin would be within the first few lines. They set expectations, then surpassed them.[/quote]
That’s very useful. My entry broke almost all of those guidelines. (I didn’t use an existing script, but I did conceive of the scene as a climactic moment in a full script.)
Tells me all I need to know. Thanks!
July 25th, 2009 at 10:37 am
[quote]Some common issues kept many good entries from making it to my short list. If I were running this again, my advice would be:
Get some closure. . Yes, it’s one scene — but it’s also the only scene we’re going to see. So it’s important to make it feel like a complete thought.
Pick a sense of scale. Brickhouse can be a big normal guy (a Batman villain) or an actual behemoth (a Superman villain), and the action can be sized accordingly. But some entries couldn’t decide.
Get to the point. The rules gave you the setup; you don’t need to repeat it.
Tell me what you’re going to do, then do it. The best entries made it clear what their unique spin would be within the first few lines. They set expectations, then surpassed them.[/quote]
That’s very useful. My entry broke almost all of those guidelines. (I didn’t use an existing script, but I did conceive of the scene as a climactic moment in a full script.)
Tells me all I need to know. Thanks!
July 25th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I second John Paul’s sentiment.
Well done to everyone who beat the deadline to compete! It’s going to take me weeks to read through them all, so FAIR PLAY to J.A. and Matt for tearing through them all so quickly.
August set the target and theme and Spenturion nailed both in an entertaining way. More importantly for me, he was very HUMBLE in his acceptance comment, and reflected well on the competition.
It looks from John August’s follow-up comments that he doesn’t feel like hosting another one of these things for a while, which is a shame.
His suggestion of a Three-Sentence competition is frustrating, but it is also a badly needed lesson for me and many!
July 25th, 2009 at 11:25 am
John Paul Van Johnson:
First of all, if that’s your real name, it’s the coolest name I’ve heard in a long time. I think it’s the Van Johnson part that I love the most.
Now if my post sounded dickish, it probably was. But I stand by what I said and my sentiment. The reaction was simply outrageous. It’s like a complete stranger giving you $5000 to buy a car and you respond, “…but the car I wanted was $10,000!”
July 25th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Given the directions these comments have taken I need to point out that my first comment (#7) probably should have had an emoticon of some kind at the end to reinforce the fact that I was speaking in jest. Make no mistake, my calling Spenturion a cockblock is the highest form of compliment I’m capable I’ve giving. Seriously, his scene was great.
If you read the results of the 1st scene challenge and the results of this one you can pretty much figure out EXACTLY what John’s idea of a winning script should be. It’s pretty obvious, IMHO. But, who cares?
@Richard (#60), and anyone else that had problems with Scrippets: if you can go to the forums at scrippets.org and repost your script there I can take a look at your input and either tell you what you did wrong OR fix the bug I left in Scrippets that caused the error (whichever may be the case). Smart and handsome though I may be, bugs do find their way into Scrippets, but, honestly, it was probably your fault. :P
RE: Feedback: These scene challenges aren’t the ideal setup for getting feedback on a script, but in spite of that there has been a fair amount of feedback here regarding a number of the scripts. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect serious comments on 140 scenes, but if someone really wants the opinion of others I’m sure they could just ask (nicely) in the comments and the other commenters here would be more than happy to give their thoughts.
More over, there are some places geared more directly towards giving feedback on scripts. Craig Mazin’s wonderful Artful Writer forums and Joblo.com’s Filmmaking/Screenwriting forums are both places where people can post their work for feedback from other writers/filmmakers. If feedback is what you want just copy and paste your scene there and see what people think (I did that with the first scene challenge and got great, helpful, and surprising comments back).
July 25th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Wait, is the next contest ACTUALLY going to be three sentences only? That sounds… challenging. Or just really cool.
July 25th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
@the divide – I think the next contest will three sentences about facetiousness. ;) I kid.
July 26th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Thanks for those links, Nima. Hadn’t heard about either of them. I’d also suggest Zoetrope.com for getting some feedback on scripts. It’s primarily setup for full scripts, but you could ask for feedback on snippets through the discussion board (minus the Scrippets formatting).
July 26th, 2009 at 8:14 am
My god, 406 pages? You could make a feature film out of that.
Actually it might not be a bad idea, to cull the pile down and make a feature-length film of alternate Brickhouse-fight action scenes. But splitting up the profits would be crazy . . ..
July 26th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
@Mark
If it is about facetiousness, I obviously won’t do that well.
July 27th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Instinctually or instinctively?
What do your instincts tell you?
July 29th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Instinctively.
July 30th, 2009 at 10:13 am
@ Christian H. You’re kidding, right? Or are you seven?
@ Pete & @ Jimmy: Couldn’t agree more.
@ John & Matt. Sincere thanks again.