Alternate with water
A significant percentage of this blog’s readership is still in school, so my hunch and hope is that many of these readers are still novice drinkers. So as I close out this week of random advice, let me offer one bit of wisdom that can carry you through the next 80 years, or at least this coming weekend:
For every alcoholic drink, drink a glass of water.
Do this and you will avoid 65 percent of drinking idiocy and embarrassment. It will pace you. It will dilute you. It will save you at least five pounds of the dreaded freshman fifteen, and lessen possible hangovers.
To be clear: I don’t mean drink a half-gallon of water before you go to bed. I mean that when the beer or cocktail you are holding is finished, you drink a glass of water. No glass? Then fill that beer can with water from the tap.
There is no magic here. Water doesn’t undo what you drank, so you’re still just as much a menace on the roads. But with less alcohol consumed over a longer period of time, you’re less likely to make dumb decisions about driving, dating and diet.
Two related notes:
When asking for water at a bar, always tip the bartender.
When someone says they don’t drink, leave it at that. There’s invariably a good reason, and it’s never your business.
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March 13th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Thanks for that second bit of related wisdom. By the time I got to college I had one very good reason not to drink. By the time I went to grad school, I had a second. And both were pretty darn depressing… If someone asked me why I wasn’t drinking and I lied just to keep things positive (for them), I felt terrible the rest of the night. If I told them the reasons, they felt terrible for bringing it up.
And then there were the real a-holes who even when I told the truth continued to press it. I imagine it’s like being a vegetarian and having to deal with uppity meat eaters who take it personally whenever they find out.
(though I doubt many vegetarians chose that lifestyle because a family member was eaten to death)
March 13th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Very good tip. Because once you’re hungover the next day, you can drink all the water in the world and it won’t make things better.
March 13th, 2009 at 10:33 am
This sounds like such painfully obvious advice, and yet my mother repeated it over and over for years before I finally listened. When I turned 21 and started going to bars more frequently, I needed a glass in my hands at all times, so as not to feel awkward. So I’d finish a drink and immediately go to the bar for another one. But I’m so small, it really only takes 2-3 drinks to get me drunk! And yet I repeated this stupid behavior so many times before it finally occurred to me – hey, I like actually REMEMBERING my fun nights out, so I should STOP drinking consistently throughout the several hours I spend at a bar!
(And now I barely drink at all anymore. There aren’t any calories in weed!)
March 13th, 2009 at 10:58 am
“When someone says they don’t drink, leave it at that.”. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
March 13th, 2009 at 11:17 am
that’s definitely good advice for any aspiring screenwriters if they don’t want to make idiots of themselves while networking at parties in L.A.
March 13th, 2009 at 11:18 am
i like to add a splash of scotch to my water
March 13th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Freshman fifteen? Try freshman fifty.
March 13th, 2009 at 11:51 am
I spent a week in Poland when I was fifteen. My exchange student lived in the smallest apartment imaginable, and I ended up having to sleep in one bed with him. So far, so weird, but it was an experience.
However.
We spent the night drinking with other students, and I mean: drinking. I was knee-walking drunk. And when we finally went to bed, falling asleep, totally wasted…
… I puked. And covered his bed, his carpet, him- and myself in puke. That was the last time I ever consumed more than one bottle of beer per night. Now I’m 29 and I never missed it.
March 13th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
That alternating advice is right on – just be prepared to be That Guy Who Goes To The Bathroom Like 7 Times An Hour.
March 13th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Good advice. One other thing I’ve found helpful – when you’re in a social situation where everyone has a drink, you can avoid pressure by always having a nonalcoholic drink in your hand. You can even make it look more “realistic” by having a lime or other garnish on your Coke or fizzy water.
This was really useful when my wife was first expecting and it was a few weeks before we were ready to tell people.
My other drinking advice – when you’re in a casino (Vegas or otherwise) and they offer you a free drink, ALWAYS ask for one. If you’re not drinking, ask for a soft drink, fruit juice, or bottled water (if you’re not thirsty, you can hang on to the water and you’ll be glad for it later). When they charge so much for any drink, including water, it’s crazy to pass up the chance for one on the house.
March 13th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I’m a student, but I’m not a drinker. Whenever I tell somebody I don’t “drink”, they look at me like I was stupid… I don’t get it! What’s so special about drinking alcohol? I always say “I drink when I’m thirsty – Period.” Therefore, I drink far too much coffee ;)
March 13th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
John,
Your last bit of advice is definitely the best. As someone with several religiously practicing friends, it’s hard enough for them to spend their time around drunken idiots without them having to be repeatedly second-guessed on their life choices.
If you’re sitting at the bar, you can order the drink and the glass of water at the same time, or just get a couple pitchers of water for the whole table.
March 13th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I’d like to add to this, seeing as I consider myself a bit of an expert on this topic, for better or worse. Probably worse…
First of all, cosign on #2. If they don’t drink, don’t press the issue. It’ll just end bad, as Eric said.
Also, alternating sometimes isn’t good enough. If you KNOW you’ll be drinking that night (hopefully it’s that night, and not the afternoon), do yourself a favor and drink plenty of water throughout the day.
The headache in a hangover is usually caused by dehydration. Most people do a terrible job hydrating themselves. I think it’s supposed to be 8 glasses of water a day? And that’s regardless of if you drink or not. No one I know drinks that much water.
Most people drink soda’s and juice, which are basically liquified sugar. Not really for hydrating. You never see Kobe or LeBron reach for a Pepsi on the sideline.
Also, make sure you eat before you drink, because empty stomach alcohol consumption is a sure-fire way to give up the ghost. And your stomach won’t feel right for 24 hours.
Of course it’s better to not drink at all. And if you do, show some restraint and limit yourself to one drink (beer, shot, or cocktail) an hour, integrating the water.
But self-control is usually learned through experience. Like when those drunk pictures end up on Facebook…
March 13th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
I don’t drink. Simple as that. I see no reason to, nor have I ever.
March 13th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Great advice. This same practice once got me through a bottle of Jaeger on my own, without ruining me the next day. That night of drinking got me steady work, too.
March 13th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Sarah…part of the reason that people look at you funny when you say you don’t drink is because people believe that drinking is the default normative behavior. In fact, when many students enter college, they mistakenly believe that most students on campus drink and that most other students approve of drinking behavior (there was a series of psychological studies conducted at Princeton demonstrating that new students buy into these beliefs). When you say that you don’t drink, this violates the other person’s expectancies (i.e., they think that you are going against the “norm”).
March 13th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Totally agree. I figured this out in college (though I don’t always follow my own rule) and it was amazingly helpful re headaches the next day and maintaining dignity the night of. It worked with my natural tendencies to sip constantly (like #3) instead of fighting them, and I realized the peer pressure was all about having a cup in the hand. Holding a cup blocked all “why aren’t you drinking?” questions even without trying to make it look realistic, although #10 gives good advice there.
I will have to start tipping on water more consistently, although it’s not uncommon practice in my town to have a big cooler with water and little plastic cups out for self-service.
March 13th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I don’t drink and Guys trying to push me to do it made me not go out anymore really. And I don’t care. It’s no fun to watch drunk Guys talking shit.
And Eric. It really is the same as being a vegetarian and tried being forced to “just try” As I am also a vegetarian that’s the 2nd matter why I tend to stay at home most of the time.
And yeah. If you drink a glass of water every 2nd glass sounds good.
George
March 13th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
It’s interesting how many positive responses there are to the second point – “When someone says they don’t drink, leave it at that. There’s invariably a good reason, and it’s never your business.” I wouldn’t have guess that would have been one of those things to get such a high percentage of responses… but I’m one more on that list. Great advice on that point and unfortunately one that isn’t said enough. Thanks for saying what should be said more often!
March 13th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
The reason people get hangovers is because they are dehydrated. I drink mass quantities of water and non-alcoholic fluids every day and I have never had a hangover, ever.
March 13th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
“There aren’t any calories in weed!”
There’s also virtually no chance of getting laid. Unless you’re at a phish concert.
One additional advice regarding the water thing: i hear the reason why drinking water when you already have a hangover doesnt help is because the thing that allows your body to absorb water (electrolytes) are all screwed up. No matter how much water you drink, your body cant use it. Thats why gatorade seems to do the trick.
Honestly, you’re still better off not drinking like a lunatic, but if you must, i suggest the alternating with water, a gatorade sometime before bed and eating a sugary fruit right before bed. Low blood sugar is another element in a hangover.
March 13th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
The hallmark of a truly first-class bar: they serve you water without your having to ask for it. All my favorite places do it.
March 13th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
“When someone says they don’t drink, leave it at that. There’s invariably a good reason, and it’s never your business.”
I’ll echo the thanks above. Most people respect it, but I’ve had a least a few acquaintances (and one boss) who saw it as a challenge to somehow get me to drink. Sheesh. ..bruce..
March 13th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
I will test this advice tonight at Father’s Office. Thanks John!
March 13th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Good call…
And I’ll second whoever recommended Gatorade as well.
March 13th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
I’m 18 and just started university, where there’s a very strong drinking culture. I don’t drink for several reasons. Cost is a concern, but mainly (and I’m not religious), my mind is sacred and I don’t want to lose control of myself. Having said all that, I’m quite self-conscious about the fact that I don’t drink. A lot of events involves a lot of drinking. How do I not drink without being anti-social?
March 13th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
You can not drink and still be social. Any sort of fizzy liquid, and people are going to assume it’s alcohol (when in reality it’s Sprite/Coke/Root Beer/Club Soda). Or say you have a sore throat, or a bit of a headache, or your sick — not that you have to justify not drinking, but it’s easier to say “Don’t feel well” than it is to explain why you don’t like to drink.
Plus, if you end with “Don’t feel well, means more for you!” you make new friends in a hurry.
March 13th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Testing your theory tonite… except there’s no water around… can I substitute with Vodka? Looks the same. Aw, what the heck.
March 14th, 2009 at 12:59 am
Great advice. I’ve been doing this for a couple of years. Also, another tip: 1 drink for every 3 drinks of the (male) band mates. (I’m female and don’t process alcohol well.) Each time I break one of the above rules, I pay dearly.
March 14th, 2009 at 5:52 am
Bradley: So what? Going against the norm is what being young is FOR, isn’t it?
March 14th, 2009 at 7:46 am
This is great advice, John!
Too bad I didn’t know this when I was drinking often in college and getting hangovers…or that one nasty bout of alcohol poisoning junior year…shudders
but, its always good to drink water…it’s a natural diuretic so any impurities in your body..water flushes them out. so, alcohol and the like leaves your system after drinking water…
plus, water is good for you anyways…even if i dont drink enough of it.
March 14th, 2009 at 9:26 am
A useful corollary: When someone says, “I know! Let’s order shots!” Get up from the table and go home.
March 14th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Guys -
Calm down. Drinking is cool. So is smoking.
Don’t believe me?
Watch a movie.
March 14th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
This topic reminds me of Jim Gaffigan’s standup. His take on it:
When you don’t drink, people always need to know why. They’re like, ‘You don’t drink? Why?’ This never happens with anything else. ‘You don’t use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it OK if I use mayonnaise?’
March 14th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
This advice thread has produced some of the most thoughtful and hilarious responses I’ve come across in quite some time.
I don’t drink or smoke anymore.
I demolished my liver due to drinking. Took a while before I realized why I suddenly began drinking so much.
College sucks. Beer pong rules. Beer pong sucks. College kicks ass.
The library ALWAYS rules King Tut.
Rinse and repeat.
March 15th, 2009 at 2:10 am
i love all the latest random advice. great stuff.
March 15th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I think that a large part of the issue people have with drinking is the culture of over-indulgence that goes with it. Moderation and common sense are key. Like John says, hydrate yourself, get some food in your belly, and it’s find to have a drink or two.
I often feel that, as much as people find it to be incredulous that somebody doesn’t drink, many people freak out a little bit when you have more than two or three drinks in an evening. Look, I like tasting different beers, wines, and liquors. I like pairing them with food. I like going out to the local pub and having a beer or two from time to time. If you put a little forethought into it you can have a fun time out on the town without getting hammered or arrested.
And take it from a tenured bartender: it’s okay not to drink. In fact, we tend to like it when there are sober people in the bar for us to converse with – particularly if you leave us a little pocket change or even foldin’ money.
March 15th, 2009 at 10:56 am
In response to the going-to-the-bathroom guy:
I followed the 1 drink, 1 water rule back in my youth, and that needing-to-pee thing can come in quite handy. Especially when there’s someone who’s been slamming back-to-back shots drooling all over you. You can go to the bathroom–who’s going to stop you?– and never come back.
Don’t drink that much any more; married a non-drinker. But I still pee when I have to!
March 15th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Wow I miss when this blog was actually about screenwriting. Now it’s like a low-rent Expert Village. Someone wake me when Mr. August remembers why he’s interesting.
March 16th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Mike (the other mike), I guess you missed it, but John explained that he was taking a week off from talking about screenwriting and spending that week on random advice. Glad I could explain it to you.
Yeah, his blog goes off topic sometimes. Deal with it.
March 16th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Hear hear, to that last point! And you know what, “I don’t like it” or “I don’t want to” is just a valid a reason as any other.
March 17th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Yeah, John’s turning into John Scalzi. How dare he! Next thing you know, he’ll be taping bacon to his cat!…
and picking up many new readers in the process.
I drink, but I have three close friends who don’t, each for different, very good reasons, so I’m very sympathetic to those who don’t drink. I didn’t drink at all in college, either.
March 18th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Garrett hit the nail on the head – stay well hydrated all day before drinking, then alternate with water. If you can’t alternate with water, you’ll still do so much better both while retaining some semblance of reality while drinking and while dealing with a hangover the next day.
March 20th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
“One other thing I’ve found helpful – when you’re in a social situation where everyone has a drink, you can avoid pressure by always having a nonalcoholic drink in your hand. You can even make it look more “realistic” by having a lime or other garnish on your Coke or fizzy water.”
Good tip. I don’t drink and this is exactly why I’m at home right now lurking on the web. My roommates and their friends are at a very nice upscale bar/club and I didn’t go because being the only person that doesn’t drink makes it awkward enough and then either having to answer why you’re not drinking all night or attempting to have a worthwhile conversation while someone is drunk gets old really fast.
May 1st, 2009 at 5:13 pm
“One other thing I’ve found helpful – when you’re in a social situation where everyone has a drink, you can avoid pressure by always having a nonalcoholic drink in your hand. You can even make it look more “realistic” by having a lime or other garnish on your Coke or fizzy water.”
So true. I’m one of the few college freshman that doesn’t drink. At first I would try to reason with my drunken friends, explaining to them why I don’t like drinking etc. However, eventually I chose to do what you suggested above. Honestly as long as you have drink in your hand, everyone just assumes it’s alcoholic.
I’ve also found that Vitimin Water mixed with actual water also makes a great faux cooler.