If film studios developed videogames
To: FILE
From: Studio Development Group
Date: June 16, 2008
RE: PUZZLE FARTER, 6/2/08 draft
We think this draft represents progress from the 5/01/08 draft, but there are still areas that need to be addressed to make this the strongest possible casual videogame. As always, we look forward to discussing these issues with you.
1. DEVELOPING THE CHARACTER ARC
We’re lacking a clear backstory and dramatic arc for Puzzle Farter. Why is this story happening to this character, now? Why is he so gassy? He is literally a fish out of water, but we never develop this idea.
Let’s consider PRETTY WOMAN as a template: Puzzle Farter is trying to navigate a world in which he doesn’t fit in, but in trying to understand it, reveals its absurdities. (And falls in love. See note #4.)
In this spirt, we’d like to consider adding an event (an “Inciting Incident”) early in the story, explaining how Puzzle Farter entered this world.
Also, Puzzle Farter needs to talk. He needs to clearly articulate his goals in a funny, relatable way. We see Joe Pesci for the role, but are open to other suggestions.
2. KEEPING PUZZLE FARTER PROACTIVE
Currently, Puzzle Farter spends much of his time reacting to outside pressures. We would like to find ways to keep him more in charge of the narrative — and for his decisions to have a deeper resonance in the story.
For example, right now, his only response to threats is to jump or run. Can we see him kill or otherwise incapacitate the other characters (hopefully in a charming way)? Like Grand Theft Auto 4, we’d also like to see a mission-based interface which would allow the character to explore on his own. (The “sandbox” model.)
Also, we’d like a system for keeping track of gold points.
3. CLARIFYING OBJECTIVES
The addition of doors to each level has gone a long way towards making it clear what Puzzle Farter is attempting to achieve in each encounter. But we’re missing a bigger goal: What is Puzzle Farter hoping to find? What is his want? What does he need? (The conflict between these two questions can contribute a lot of second-act gravitas.)
Let’s consider adding a Fish Sister, who is kidnapped in the prologue. This would go a long way towards strengthening our Villain Plot.
4. LOVE INTEREST
Puzzle Farter needs a love interest, someone who can match him toot for toot. We think Rachel McAdams would be perfect.
Also, players need to be able to select gender, so as not to eliminate the gay gamer demographic.
5. MULTIPLAYER
The game needs to be multiplayer. We should also discuss making it a MMORPG.
6. RATING AND CONTENT
To appeal to families, we need to be sensitive to content concerns. Let’s replace the farting with something less offensive.
30 Responses to “If film studios developed videogames”
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June 17th, 2008 at 5:23 am
All I can say is… LOL!
June 17th, 2008 at 6:11 am
Hilarious! Great game.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:37 am
Sad thing is, most studio execs mean well. But so does my mom and I don’t let her give me notes. When I first became a professional writer I was stunned at the fact that most studio execs I met had NO TRAINING of any sort in screenwriting. 99% of them had NEVER attempted to actually write a screenplay.
How can you give someone notes on something you’ve NEVER attempted to do practically yourself???
In fact, I just had a meeting yesterday with an exec a Sony. I asked him what his background was and he said “accounting”. He said he was in business affairs for a number of years and then decided it would be “neat” to be on the creative side. Uggggggg.
Literally the only training these execs get are from the people above them…and those people have had NO TRAINING!!! All they can do is what John just gave a parody of — shooting out buzz words. Make your character likeable, more proative, raise the stakes, blah, blah, blah.
But they’ll tell you they’ve watched a lot of movies. LOL.
Can you imagine if you were an automechanic and you HAD to listen to what your customers told you to do??? Customer, “Yeah, I think it’s the spark plug”. Mechanic, “Well, there’s a nail in your tire and that’s why your tire’s flat.” Customer, “Just fix the spark plug. I’ve ridden in cars for a long time, I know what makes the car run — fix the spark plug!!!”
I was in a lot of industries before I broke into this one. This is far and away the strangest business model I’ve ever seen.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:58 am
Needs more headshots and hookers!
Also, SixAxis controls and Wii Balance Board functionality.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:19 am
Now THAT was funny. KUDOS.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:35 am
I fail to see how Puzzle Farter is going to capture the lucrative Korean youth market. Please send to one of the 2 Fast 2 Furious guys for rewrite.
June 17th, 2008 at 7:55 am
And can the gold coins be Skittles? We have a great tie-in.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Perhaps the love interest is some sort of antacid? Someone saucy who tells it like it is? I’m sure we could get Rolaids on board. Great character spin-off opportunity.
June 17th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Love this!
June 17th, 2008 at 10:10 am
This is pretty accurate, actually.
Most of the game publishers are now run by refugees from the Hollywood system, literally people who couldn’t make it in film, so now they screw up games. Between the coke (and I don’t mean the soda) and the absolute contempt for anyone who has game design or programming experience, it’s hardly surprising that current games suck as much as they do.
June 17th, 2008 at 10:11 am
What do you mean if?
June 17th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Funny notes. Yet all I can think of is how well made and well written Portal is.
I guess that shows my limited experience in the video game world.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:29 am
I’m a huge fan of Portal, but I still think that it would have helped to know who the character you were playing was. You’re half way through the game when you see yourself and go “Oh, I’m a woman. Whatever.”
I find this post funny mostly because of how true it is.
The game designers tend to ignore everything that the movie writers think is the most important.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Out of curiosity … what prompted this post?
June 17th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
@Nick:
Ironically, Puzzle Farter comes from the brother of one of the 2 Fast 2 Furious writers. It’s true!
@Michael:
Some of us learned our gender on level one. But late-bloomers can play too.
@Richard:
Derek, the aforementioned 2 Fast 2 Furious writer, sent me the link.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I’m not sure I understand. Your studio notes seem to be trying add depth to the characterization and story, which is kind of the opposite of what studios stereotypically do.
Or are you just saying the studio is trying to change it into something it’s not?
June 17th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Anonymous Production Assistant said: I’m not sure I understand. Your studio notes seem to be trying add depth to the characterization and story, which is kind of the opposite of what studios stereotypically do.
LOL
June 17th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
As others have said, this is exactly what does happen.
Portal is the freak exception.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
an hour ago i was going to go for a run. now im just trying to get past level 44. there had better be a extremely satisfying denouement.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
That just cracked me up on an otherwise crappy day. Thanks John.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
It doesn’t matter how many times I read about screenwriters getting bad notes… I can never quite believe they’re THAT bad.
It’s kind of like when someone’s telling you about a bad movie. Or in this case, the discussion I had about a recent flop from a director who was supposed to be the next Spielberg, but is obviously not.
Me: No. It can’t be that bad. Him: It is. Me: No. Nothing is that bad. I mean, no one would possibly do that as a plot twist. Him: He did. Me: I have to see this for myself.
Then you see the movie and realize that it is THAT bad. Guess I’ll just have to wait for notes before I completely disregard the myth that everyone actually knows what they’re doing.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
lmao.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
But… Pesci retired in 1999, and only came back for DeNiro’s Good Shepherd (2006); we don’t think we can get him again. Besides, he is 65, and we are unsure that Rachel McAdams, 31, will have any chemistry with him. I mean, if we were talking Richard Gere here, I would understand…
June 18th, 2008 at 2:28 am
Congratulations, John, on making today’s IMDb Hit List.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:04 am
To Dave (#21): Check out this blog written by screenwriter Terry Rossio — http://www.wordplayer.com/columns/wp47.100.Million.Mistake.html
It’s got to be the next best thing to seeing it for yourself.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Hilarious. To extend your “Pretty Woman” analogy even further, you do what Julia Roberts does in “P.W.” — you navigate the weird world of studio notes to help us understand it and in so doing reveal its absurdities. Wonderful!!
June 18th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Rick (#25) is right. Just finished reading it. If you´re interested in what horrible things can happen to a greenlit screenplay click on Rick´s link.
June 19th, 2008 at 8:03 am
“We should also discuss making it a MMORPG”
That line made my morning milk shoot out my nose. Not a bad way to start the day.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
ok so i play this game everyday at work now
August 13th, 2008 at 12:38 am
I work in the video game business as a designer and writer. Have for over 20 years. Our publishers (your “studios”) give us notes all the time that don’t differ in stupidity much from these, especially #5.