On Parade
For a short time, I was running a bit where I would re-answer questions sent to Walter Scott’s Personality Parade®, one of the most odiously irrelevant and self-congratulatory bits of cultural fluff in the lint screen we call popular culture. While I was inspired to write it out of true anger at its existence, the column and my parody were mostly harmless wastes of time.
Then, one week, I decided to do an entire Q & A defending and exalting Britney Spears. Just because. Keep in mind, this was when Britney was a young mother of two, married to a sleazeball wannabe. (It’s hard to remember that once upon a time, a few months ago, we thought she was the stable one.) The piece was fairly toothless, but moderately funny, as I hoped most of those columns were.
But before I could post it, Britney went absolutely bonkers. And what I’d written suddenly felt like kicking a (recently-shaved-bald) puppy. So I junked it, along with the feature.
I’m reminded about this because of a story in today’s Variety: “Parade of confusion after Lohan arrest”. As you’re no doubt sick of hearing, Lindsay Lohan was arrested early Tuesday on suspicion of drunken driving, but this coming Sunday’s issue of Parade tells a different story…
After extending her stay at luxury rehab facility Promises, Lindsay Lohan “seems committed to finally getting clean.”
So reports Parade magazine in this week’s edition of Walter Scott’s Personality Parade, the purveyor of feel-good celebrity news that, regrettably in this case, has a four-week lead time from when an item is written until it is published.
Excuse me if I mis-read — it takes four weeks to come up with the bullshit you call Personality Parade? If Walter Scott were a real person, he’d be the laziest hack on the planet. Says a Parade spokesman:
“We’ll address this on the Parade.com website so we’ll have something that’s much more current,” the spokesman said. “This is an example of how difficult substance abuse can be, and we wish her the very best on her road to recovery.”
I wish nothing but plague and pestilence upon you, anonymous spokesman.
Lohan’s problems are her own. She’s seriously fucked up her career. But don’t blame her for messing up your faux-news column.
You work for a sham newspaper inserted inside actual newspapers. I can already predict your editorial memo going out on Monday: “From now on, we need to make sure anything the publicists feed us will still feel somewhat true four weeks from now. Concentrate on Disney stars and country singers.”
I’m urging the Los Angeles Times to drop Parade this week. You can, too. Here’s the link.
Better yet, if your local paper includes Parade, let them know.
Is it too late to pull it out of the Sunday issue? They’ll say so. But it’s not too late to respond editorially, answering the question of why a newspaper would run a story they already know is inaccurate, and continue to support the inane ramblings of a publicist mouthpiece. I gave up on Parade. So should they.
And if you’re feeling so inclined, feel free to Digg this.
Articles
July 27th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
The sad - or rather sick - thing is that actual resources (human and monetary) go into publications like that. Yeah sure, it’s harmless… trashy, fluffy, silly… yet harmless. But think about the potential! What if those resources were to be utilized for a greater, dare I say higher, purpose? And this on top a gazzilion celeb news shows… Access, Extra, Inside Edition, everything on E!… Total devolution. Poor Lindsay though - those weren’t even her pants!!
July 27th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
John:
It’s becoming painfully clear to me that you love Parade. You love it a lot. No one gets this worked up about something unless they love it.
Which part is the one that grabs you by the heart and squeezes? Is it Marilyn Vos Savant? Is it Howard Huge?
It’s Howard Huge, isn’t it…
God, that dog is funny.
Because he’s big.
And a dog.
July 27th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Dear John,
I’m not sure what imagined slight has resulted in your brash and reckless jihad against Parade, but I will not sit by and allow you to cockblock what is without a doubt the best part of my life that doesn’t involve sex, food, sleep, television, film, writing, sex, music, books, robot ninjas, or any number of activities that can be done without pants.
Ever Sunday I savor the thrill-ride that is the glorious extraction of Parade from the confines of the Sunday paper. I sit out on my patio, a piping hot soy latte with a splash of vanilla in one hand, and Parade in the other, and feel completely content with my station in life. I drink in the fascinating articles about people and/or their cats, learning not only how to live, but also how to love. Also, I drink my latte.
So, John, I implore you… nay, I demand you… no, actually, I respectfully suggest that you redact this insane crusade you have enacted against Parade, and let their be peace amongst the Parade readership. Think not of me, John, nor the children. Think, instead, of the celebrity pets, who’s stories would continue to go untold without a venue as noble and righteous as Parade. Ask yourself: what kind of a world do I want to live in? And as a corollary, is that a world with or without Parade Magazine? Explain.
Sincerely,
Nima
July 27th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
I write for one of the biggest magazines in the country, and just let me say that no matter when a writer submits their copy, there is a whole host of other elements (outside of the writer’s jurisdiction) that add to the usually-lengthy publication process. Fact checking, art, photography, sales, etc.
I’m sure it doesn’t take Mr. Scott four weeks to write a fluff piece.
Though, four weeks is nothing. Many magazines have a 3 month lead time.
July 27th, 2007 at 7:40 pm
John, If you kill off Parade, we’ll be forced to solicit you for fluffy answers to frivolous questions. I.e. “I heard Hannah Montana is allergic to peanuts. Is that true?”
Are you prepared to deal with this?
July 27th, 2007 at 8:35 pm
I have to agree with Craig. You LOVE Parade. And if they got rid of it, we would all miss your snarky spoofs of Walter Scott’s column.
July 27th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
I’m with Craig Mazin on this one- that dog is pretty big.
July 28th, 2007 at 9:11 am
I’m worried about you John August. Because I don’t want to see you suffer from hypertension, stroke, aneurysm, etc. here is a suggestion:
When you are ready to read the Sunday paper, make two piles. One pile is for all the sections and ads you like (front page, world, arts, travel, Target ad). The other is for the stuff you don’t (sports, Domino’s Pizza ad, Parade). The discard pile can immediately go in the recycling bin.
I agree with what you say about Parade, but sometimes it is better to be at peace than to be right.
July 28th, 2007 at 9:49 am
But isn’t Lindsay a Disney star? Or was that the joke? I do know a country star who went to rehab, so maybe that is the joke, sorry. I’ve never actually opened Parade. I let it fall to the floor along with magazine inserts. I shall continue to fight that good fight in support of your anger. Down with Parade!
July 28th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
The Parade pieces were outstanding. Please start doing it again. As for Ms. Spears, no shame my brother.
July 29th, 2007 at 3:21 am
I’m afraid the raid on Parade will be delayed or stayed if John is not obeyed (i.e. John’s mandate is spot-on; Parade is over).
July 29th, 2007 at 8:15 am
John, one of the reasons you can’t stand “Walter Scott” might be, because, in reality, he’s conservative author Ed Klein, who specializes in hatchet jobs like “The Truth About Hilary”.
July 29th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
Today’s Parade rocked. I mean, who hasn’t wondered why Josh Hartnett hasn’t become as big of a star as Brad Pitt?
July 30th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
It seems to me that you have certain expectations about the media that, frankly, not everyone else shares. “Current,” “relevant,” “fact-based,” “news,” if these are qualities that you’re looking for when you “read”/click/channel surf, that’s fine, but do you really think it’s fair to stifle a powerful voice for four-week-old celebrity gossip just because that’s not your cup of tea?
August 1st, 2007 at 8:07 am
John, Has your trip to Africa influenced/intensified the way you look at America’s crazy obsession with celebrity? I know you’ve always poked fun at Parade, but this sounds different to me. Travel, especially to a place as different as Africa, seems to have this influence on me. Returning home makes me almost sick with disgust at all things popular and superficial. I love America, but she constantly embarrasses me.