To the guy sitting in 7A
Here’s the thing: When you arrive at the gate two minutes before the plane is supposed take off, you give up your right to complain. I don’t care what it says on your ticket. You take any available open seat.
That’s the deal. Maybe it’s not printed in all of the legalese, but it’s part of the social contract between all flyers: sit down, shut up, and let us push back from the gate.
What’s worse, it wasn’t even your seat. You claimed to have switched with some woman at the back of the plane, yet here you were at row seven, complaining that people weren’t in their assigned seats. J’accuse, my friend, j’accuse.
I wasn’t directly involved in the Great Seating Controversy of Flight 215. I was one row back, biting my tongue and proffering Cheerios to my daughter. Anything I might have said, any way I might have intervened, would have no doubt greater delayed our departure.
So instead, I spent a few minutes memorizing every detail of your face, so that at some point in the future when it won’t inconvenience 200 air travelers I might have the opportunity to let you know: You, sir, are a dick.
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August 28th, 2006 at 9:30 am
If only people would realize that you catch more flies with honey. I was the last person in line late one night to report lost luggage after I flew into RDU from Spain. EVERY SINGLE PERSON in front of me screamed at the woman taking their information, which of course delayed the line more and accomplished nothing whatsoever. When she got caught up trying to find a translator for the Vietnamese dude in front of me, she apologized over and over for the delay. I shrugged and told her not to worry. I was just annoyed that I’d packed my only toothbrush in that suitcase.
She came out a few minutes later and gave me a bag of airplane toiletries, including a collapsable toothbrush. Then she went back into the office to deal with Vietnamese guy, for whom they’d now found a translator.
She came out while he was still yapping with the translator and took my information. She kept apologizing and I kept telling her not to fret. I was just glad I got home ok. At this point I’d been in line for over an hour, mostly because of the people who’d wasted time yelling.
She went back into the office and came out with $150 worth of flight coupons. “I don’t give these out often,” she said. “Thank you for being so patient.”
She worked for United. I’m pretty sure I’m the only reason she didn’t kill herself that night. People should think about that more often when they travel.
August 28th, 2006 at 9:45 am
I don’t know about the guy in 7A. I was just highly pissed that your daughter didn’t share her Cheerios.
– The guy behind you who never got his in-flight peanuts
August 28th, 2006 at 10:30 am
I was on a JetBlue flight coming back from Vegas a few years ago and someone decided that the cabin needed to smell like Taco Bell for the entire 4 hour flight.
Oh and the kid behind me stole my pillow. God damn brat.
August 28th, 2006 at 1:03 pm
Wow, judging from your post and the responding comments, air travel is becoming more and more hostile.
August 28th, 2006 at 1:44 pm
I had a 14 or so hour flight back from Narita, Japan. I got lucky and was switched from econo to business class. The only problem was two brats sitting in a row behind their parents. Every few minutes, one would jump up and run down the aisle. The stewardess had to tell the parents that they had to control their kids. Then the parents would yell at the kids which caused even a bigger commotion.
Then one of the kids took his flashlight and kept shining it around the cabin for about an hour, right when most people were sleeping. Needless to say, it was a long flight.
August 28th, 2006 at 1:59 pm
I’m just happy when people aren’t tying on red headbands and mixing their Vaseline with their “Gatorade.”
Cheerios rock. Have you heard about the new fruity version?
August 28th, 2006 at 3:41 pm
for a second i thought you were going to go on a snakes on a plane rant… but it turns out you just wanted to put down some sorry schmuck.
August 28th, 2006 at 4:12 pm
air travel since 9/11 has sucked. since this last panic over the liquids and carry-on restrictions it sucks out loud. it has always intruiged me how, like other situations of forced confinement it brings out the best in some of us, and the worst in others. i absolutely agree that showing up at the last minute completely voids any rights you think you might have had to complain. the vast majority of airline personell i have dealt with are eager to see a smile and totally responsive to reason and kind words. they should give in-flight crews a parachute to toss in the laps of jerks like this. p.s. the best trick i have lately is to send my luggage and instruments via Fed-Ex. an unintended consequence of tighter restrictions on carry-ons has been an increase in checked baggage which has translated to an increase in carry-on foul ups. the last flight i took there were about twelve very angry people at the luggage claim. they were in phoenix, their luggage was in denver. mine was at home where the Fed-Ex guy put it.
August 28th, 2006 at 8:24 pm
ARRRGH! I can so relate! I was coming back from NAB last year, HUGE long tradeshow, totally beat, and I’m getting into my seat towards the front of the plane. As I board, a guy is putting a HUGE HUGE HUGE carryon in the spot directly over my seat (again, at the front of the plane). Then he walks back several rows and sits down.
I go up to my seat, and slide his bag to the left, so I can get mine in over my head – otherwise I have to fight UPSTREAM to get my bag when we land, slowing us all down.
The guy then makes a point of it – “Excuse me, that’s my bag!”
I say I’m sitting here, I don’t want to have to go upstream, blah blah….he gets pissy, so I say, low but audible, “OK, dick…” and put my bag upstream of me, inconvenient for me…JUST SO HE CAN PICK UP HIS BAG CONVENIENTLY ON THE WAY OUT.
Then I get seated, and a voice right behind me says “Excuse me, I don’t want to make a big deal of it, but what did you just say?”
In my head, I go through the argument:
Voice 1: “You can totally kick this old bad asshole’s head in the dirt.”
Voice 2: “Yeah, but that’s probably a federal offense on top of assault to do that on a plane. Do you REALLY want to get into it with him over this little thing?”
So I say, calmly and politely “I said ‘OK, dick” but only because I’m really tired and it’s been a long week. Sorry. It just seemed inconsiderate for you to put your bag to be ultimately convenient for you, but actively encroaching on my convenience, at my expense, and slowing down the whole plane process, just so you don’t have to carry your bag an extra 10 feet.”
He says “I’m sorry, I’ve got a tight connection ahead of me, I’m just trying to get home, too.”
We do the white guy social make nice and get on with the flight. I leave his bag where it is.
We arrive in Austin (my hometown) and after getting off the plane….I notice him at the baggage carousel. The jerk! He lied without blinking about having a tight connection – he just wanted to maintain his convenience! And it was the immediacy, the instantaneous smoothness of his lie – it was totally natural when he said he had a tight connection.
I leave it be, and go out to the cab stand. It’s late late late, about 5 cabs and 10 people. I’m walking up the row, like you’re supposed to do, to get the next cab. Then…I see him walk in front of everybody to the LAST CAB not loading. He gets in and as he’s closing the door, I yell “Hey that’s my cab!”
He waves and drives off. I flip him off, beyond all sane boundaries with rage at this third offense against the social contract.
He MUST be a lawyer, I’m figuring. And I have nothing against lawyers per se – my Dad is one.
But it is a certain kind of person, and a certain kind of lawyer, that lies and cheats that way in my experience.
If I see him again, I won’t be nearly so polite as John. I wouldn’t mind “accidentally” tripping him in a crowd at all.
I wait for that day…
-mike, legally disclaiming any actual malevolent intent to crush the life out of his worthless throat whilst cackling gleefully and shouting “Where’s your bag now?”
August 29th, 2006 at 4:12 pm
Dude, I beg forgivness. Caught me on a bad day.
August 31st, 2006 at 11:33 am
Tallish guy? Hair on the sides and top? Sort of a sleeved shirt kind of a thing? Luggage? I know that guy!
September 1st, 2006 at 12:28 pm
My sympathies to you all. I have taken many planes in different continents and as far as I can tell there is no one type that is always being an ass on a plane. He or she is only concerned with how do I get off this plane quickly and then use whatever reason he/she wants to rationalize it: I am tired, I have a connection to catch, my husband is in the hospital, etc. I imagine that one forgets one’s manners or sense of civility when get into small places.
September 5th, 2006 at 2:47 pm
I think he was on my flight last month.
September 12th, 2006 at 6:10 pm
“So instead, I spent a few minutes memorizing every detail of your face…”
HaHa! I’ve done that before. Kind of a crazy thing to do.
September 18th, 2006 at 11:30 pm
“Cheerios rock. Have you heard about the new fruity version?”
Yeah–they’re called Fruit Loops and they’ve existed for 75 years.