In which I attend the Grammy Awards
As I might have mentioned, I got nominated for a Grammy Award (along with Danny Elfman) in the Best Song TV/Movie/Visual Media category for “Wonka’s Welcome Song” from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
The nomination came as a surprise, in that (a) I didn’t realize the Grammys were coming up, (b) I didn’t know the song was eligible, and (c) it’s an absurd choice for Best Song. It’s a fun ditty, sure, kind of a riff on “It’s a Small World” from the eponymous Disney theme park ride. But there it was, on the list.
I promptly called Danny Elfman. After making plans for a play-date for our respective offspring, I asked if he planned on attending the awards. He was horrified at the prospect, which I guess makes sense for a professional musician with a shelf full of awards.
But me, hell. When am I going to get nominated for a Grammy again?
So I went.
Here’s my first-hand account.
To begin with, “Music’s Biggest Night” is actually “music’s longest afternoon.” They give out awards in 108 categories. Of those, only 11 are televised. The other 97 are passed out during the pre-telecast ceremony, which begins at 1:30 p.m. We left the house at noon to get there in time.
The pre-telecast was held in the West Hall of the convention center, next door to Staples Center, where the main awards would be held. It was friendly and low-key. Anoushka Shankar and Michael Bublé performed (separately), and most award-recipients were quick to get on and off stage.
My category was #31 on the list. The whole time, I was thinking about what I would say in the (admittedly unlikely) event that my name was in the envelope. I settled on:
Hi, wow. [Stare at trophy in disbelief] I’d like to thank the Grammy academy. Of course, Danny Elfman, for writing really catchy music. And especially Tim Burton for saying, “Sure, yeah, melting puppets. Singing. Great!” Anyway, this means a lot. Thanks. [Hold up trophy]
And then I’d start to go off stage in the wrong direction, only to be corrected by a pretty young woman who would take my elbow and lead me the right way.
As it turned out, it ended up being a lot simpler. I clapped politely while Glen Ballard accepted the award for the song he wrote for The Polar Express. He was gracious, so I certainly can’t begrudge him. And I’m happy I lost to someone who at least showed up.
We ducked out of the pre-telecast awards during the gospel section (sorry, Jesus), in the hopes of getting properly liquored before the grown-up Grammys, which started at 5 p.m. The instructions on the so-you’ve-been-nominated-for-a-Grammy sheet noted that alcohol would be not be served after 4:30 p.m. While this was technically true, the more accurate description of the situation could be found on signs at all of the food stations:
SORRY, NO ALCOHOL AT THIS EVENT.
No, really. There was a kind of sad, strange comedy in eavesdropping:
- GUY IN SUIT
- Could I get a vodka tonic?
- SERVER
- Sorry, there’s no alcohol.
- GUY IN SUIT
- How about wine?
- SERVER
- No, there’s no alcohol.
- GUY IN SUIT
- Just beer, then.
- SERVER
- There’s no alcohol at all.
- GUY IN SUIT
- Anywhere?
- SERVER
- No, sir.
Now, in reality, if Kanye West had wanted a mojito, someone, somewhere would have found some mint leaves to muddle. But for the hoi polloi, the event was drier than a Kansas wedding. I was left with Diet Pepsi and rage to wash down my nachos.
Fortunately, the Grammys themselves were fun.
Having been to quite a few premieres and fancy shindigs, I can say that the Grammys were the most consistently entertaining. The musical performances were good, the groan factor was low, and every celebrity had to walk by my seat at least once.
Our seats were on the floor, next to the aisle. Whenever a performer and/or presenter needed to go from their seat to backstage, they were walked by us. Even better, running across the aisle next to our seats were thick cables covered with a floor mat. Although marked with white tape, this hazzard was very easy to trip over. Many celebrities did.
Celebrities who tripped and/or wobbled included:
- Sting
- Sir Paul McCartney
- Teri Hatcher (meta-alert!)
- Jennifer Love Hewitt
- The woman in Destiny’s Child who is not Beyonce or Kelly
In general, I’m not star-struck. But the combination of mild danger and celebrity almost made up for the lack of alcohol. The guy sitting next to me won a Grammy for mixing the Green Day album. So that’s cool.
The official after party was back at the West Hall. Everyone knows that the official party sucks and that all the cool people go to their own secret after parties. However, we were not invited to any of the secret after parties. So we went to the normal one.
It took forever to get in, but the food was fairly tasty. And the drinks? Free-flowing. On the whole, it felt like a big Hollywood premiere party, with good production design and some questionable entertainment choices. (Interpretative dancers, for a start.)
We were home by midnight. There’s no Grammy to set on the mantelpiece, but on the whole, it was a fun 12 hours. I haven’t watched the show on the TiVo yet, but I doubt I’ll see myself. The closest call probably came when Chris Martin of Coldplay galloped down the aisle.
God, I wish he’d tripped.
Articles
February 9th, 2006 at 8:01 pm
Thanks for the play by play. I was on another blog where the question of the day was, “Given twenty-four hours to spend any way you wanted, with no limit in terms of cost, what would you do?” My first instinct was: Fly to Los Angeles to attend some mad party. I come here and get to do it virtually!
Which is a good thing, who knows how much I would have to pay for the plane tickets on short notice.
February 9th, 2006 at 8:19 pm
“The closest call probably came when Chris Martin of Coldplay galloped down the aisle.
God, I wish he’d tripped.”
And you were right on the aisle and refrained yourself! Commendable.
I would have probably needed to stretch my long legs right about then. Now, I wouldn’t mind Jenny Love tripping and falling into my lap.
Sounds like fun. To get through a few of those songs I would have needed a few stiff drinks, though. Am I the only one who doesn’t get Kanye West at all!?
February 9th, 2006 at 8:52 pm
Thanks for the “in front of the behind the scenes.”
“The closest call probably came when Chris Martin of Coldplay galloped down the aisle. God, I wish he’d tripped.�
I can see the caption to that photo in people now:
“Chris Martin of the band Coldplay lies broken on the floor, while screenwriter John August (nominated along with Danny Elfman in the Best Song TV/Movie/Visual Media category for “Wonka’s Welcome Songâ€? from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) says ‘Bwah-ha-ha.’”
February 9th, 2006 at 9:55 pm
“I promptly called Danny Elfman.”
Oh, man, I wish I had your job. How cool is that? Especially if you were a geeky high-school kid in southern California during the 80s — Elfman was your hero!
You and Danny were robbed. Robbed I say! And no Oscar nomination for Best Song from Corpse Bride? WTF?
February 10th, 2006 at 12:48 am
Thank you for using the term “hoi polloi,” which I’ve now discovered means the exact opposite of what I thought it meant for the last twenty years. Not that it comes up that often.
February 10th, 2006 at 3:13 am
For some reason, this reminds me of an Australian comedy trio, called “Gud”.
They got their name, because of the (Australian interpretation) of the American accent, with celebrities at award shows constantly saying “I thank ‘Gud’ for this.”
Anyway. Found a (short) Wikipedia article on them.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GUD
Give Danny my regards. Tell him to do a duet album with James L. Venable.
February 10th, 2006 at 5:23 am
The Beyonce other is Michelle. And that relativly new Beyonce video “check it out” is smokin’
February 10th, 2006 at 9:28 am
I honestly don’t understand the cut-off dates, but I think Corpse Bride might be eligible next year. So there’s a chance I’ll get to go again.
February 10th, 2006 at 10:14 am
Only slightly related, how was the music at the official after party? We’ve known the DJ since elementary school. He told as at dinner a few weeks ago that he’d been hired to do the Grammy after party, and we all freaked. It’s a huge boon for his career, and I wish I could have been there myself to cheer him on.
February 10th, 2006 at 11:43 am
The after party DJ was good, although I was honestly expecting more live acts, considering that it was the effing Grammys.
February 10th, 2006 at 12:25 pm
I was at the Pirates of the Caribbean premiere. They rented Disneyland! Longest red carpet in history. But absolutely no absolut. No jameson. No bud lite. Not even rum! At a pirate movie premiere!! Plus, they shut down Disneyland for “us” so as we walked in, we passed all these crying kids who were kicked out early. Kids getting kicked out of disneyland! I guess at least they got to go home and have a shot of tequilla to wash down their sorrow…
February 10th, 2006 at 12:26 pm
sorrowS…?
February 10th, 2006 at 12:58 pm
John, Recently began reading you blog and quite enjoy it. I am in Vancouver working, so watching the grammys on tv — i think i saw your head, though!
February 10th, 2006 at 2:16 pm
Yeah Chris Martin tripping would have been awesome!!!!!!
February 10th, 2006 at 4:17 pm
I watched the Grammy’s and thought about keeping an eye out for you. But decided that even if you were in the audience the likelihood of me seeing you was pretty small. So, I have to ask. Did Madonna look as crusty in person as I perceived on my TV? Also, We noted that most of the performers looked extraordinarily bored, and thus bored us as viewers. The notable exception was Mary J. Blige. She was very telegenic in her performance.
February 10th, 2006 at 4:46 pm
Wish I was at the grammy’s! I picture myself there everyday.
Scott.
http://mylittlesuicidenote.blogspot.com/
February 10th, 2006 at 7:05 pm
So this may put me in the running for Least Relevant Comment, but as a native Kansan, I just want to point out that all the weddings I have been to in my home state have been absolutely awesome.
There was a time, I am told — by my parents — when Kansas was a dry state. But those days are long gone, and as best I can tell, most young Kansans are eager to make up for lost time.
For instance, did you know that Lawrence, KS (where Kansas University is located) was the original site of the Kansas legislature before it was burnt to the ground by pro-slavery activists? Know how I know? Because I have personally thrown up on stone that marks the original governor’s mansion. On several occasions. Most of my college friends have done the same. Almost everything I know about my home state comes from reading historical markers while sending a night’s worth of G+T’s into turnaround.
Anyway, I’m digressing, but the point is this: I have never encountered a single Kansas wedding that didn’t include an open bar, tons of food, and scads of people willing to treat you like a friend whether they know who you are or not. If the Grammy’s were like a Kansas wedding, you would have had a much better time.
February 11th, 2006 at 12:39 am
This is my favorite Big Hollywood Insider story all month. It’s the irresistable combination of glamour and banality that does it, I think.
February 13th, 2006 at 1:31 am
How funny. You are a celebrity to us, and yet you are still at least mildly interested and excited when surrounded by other celebrities. As George Lucas so eloquently put it in TPM, “there’s always a bigger fish.”
Or something like that. Love the blog. Keep it up!
February 13th, 2006 at 6:24 pm
Somewhat reminiscent of Messrs Ellis and Moore, and the late Dr. Thompson. As a lifelong Dahl fan, however, I’m glad you and Danny got the songs right.
April 27th, 2006 at 6:52 am
Hi John,
Just wondered if you’ve heard the song ‘How I Go’ by Yellowcard? And if you have, what you thought? It is clearly ‘Big Fish’ inspired.
Thank you so much for all the screenwriting advice you provide. It really helps.
Mark S
November 11th, 2006 at 9:51 am
Hello John, I did a search in regards to how does one get nominated for a grammy. I am an administrator for a school district and I would like to mentor Young musicians. Recently we remodeled a barn and turned it into a sound studio. Shortly after the sound studio was up and running, one of the artists who recorded in the studio recieved a nomination for a California Music Award. Please would you explain the process for recieving a nomination for a Grammy.
Bonnie