Crisis of Infinite Celebrities
Most screenwriting nerds can be divided along an axis of DC Comics fans and Marvel men. Largely because of the too-young-to-realize-it-was-bastardized Superfriends, I ended up in the DC camp. But one of the things that’s kept me there has been the franchise’s willingness to accept that every once in a while, you need a good housecleaning.
Thus, you have events like Crisis on Infinite Earths, which, while clumsily executed, had the laudable goal of simplifying the DC Universe. Through drastic and sometimes painful choices, the editors succeeded in getting rid of extraneous characters and plotlines, effectively rebooting the world.
I have come to believe the same thing must happen in the real world. The time has come to rethink, retool and retire many of our celebrities.
I urge the editors of People, US Weekly and Star, along with their brethren at Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood, to consider my suggestions as merely the first part of a major and much-needed overhaul of the American celebrity system.
Tom, Katie and Suri
Can we just admit we have no idea where this storyline is going? It’s become embarrassing, the real-life equivalent of last season’s Alfre Woodard plotline on Desperate Housewives. Let’s just say they’re happy and fine. Is that true? I don’t know. I don’t care. Tom Cruise isn’t even shooting another movie yet, so it’ll be at least 18 months before he needs to resurface to do publicity. We can all take a break until then. Seriously.
Lindsay Lohan
Talented young actresses should be going to Princeton, not nightclubs. Rather than focussing on her weight, let’s examine how a 20-year old actress gets into bars every night. It’s not like she has a fake I.D. If I were the Chief of Police for New York or Los Angeles, I would gather all the press photos of Lohan with a cocktail in her hand and close every nightclub she’s photographed inside. Once her favorite watering holes are shuttered, Lohan can then get drunk at an Ivy League party like a normal young woman.
Britney Spears
I bet most young mothers would come off poorly if photographed 24/7. She’s made a string of bad choices, but she’s clearly not a bad person. Let’s recast her as an Erin Brockovich-style underdog hero and root for her comeback. But not now. Let’s put her in storage for few years.
Closeted stars who are obviously gay
Enough with the winking and blind items. One reason that even minor stars don’t come out is because the press is so childish and nasty even when they aren’t naming names. Let’s declare a one-year moratorium on tawdry innuendo and see if we can at least get the bit players on crime shows to come out.
The cast of Laguna Beach
One of them needs to die under mysterious circumstances. That’s the only way I could ever be interested in them.
Celebrities’ kids
Uncool to photograph them unless they’re at a public event like a movie premiere. The first magazine to adopt (and stick to) this policy will earn tremendous goodwill from celebrities and publicists.
David Hasselhoff
Killed in a blimp accident. Or moves to Germany, never to return. His choice.
Hot tennis players
Call me crazy, but I think we could use more of them. They’re wholesome; they’re goal-driven; they have a valid reason for fame, unlike Paris Hilton. I want them to date, break up, have drama, then happily marry and breed a new generation of athletes.
Obviously, this is only a rough draft of a much larger agreement that will need to be negotiated at the Celebrity Summit later this month. But, for the good of popular culture, I urge all of the editors and producers attending to take my suggestions — and your suggestions — to heart.
Articles
July 25th, 2006 at 10:33 am
B-Minus-List Celebrity Reality Show Judges
When famous semi-talented folks whose limelight has dimmed are called upon to pass judgement, the eminent death of reality game shows it causes is a welcome liberation. Keep on hitting that big red button, Brandy.
July 25th, 2006 at 11:00 am
There need to a be a couple of Super Celebs who are the cornerstones of this new reality, as well. You know, heroes that can’t be killed off because it would upset the fabric of the created Universe. Since Brad and Angie are already more than half way there, I nominate them.
July 25th, 2006 at 11:06 am
Vince Vaughn/Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie need to battle for tabloid supremacy Highlander-style. There can be only one.
July 25th, 2006 at 11:24 am
I agree with you 100% on gay celebrities; the level of homophobia shown in the British press when a famous actor came under suspicion over a year back proves why many prefer to remain in the “closet”.
The problem is that there are too many collumn inches to fill and not enough facts, so gossip.
July 25th, 2006 at 11:31 am
Don’t forget about…
Tara Reid; famous for being attractive. Even more famous for making herself unattractive. I think we all get that she got terrible breast implants and seems blissfully unaware of it by never wearing a bra and hanging around with Paris Hilton.
Or…
The Olsen Twins; we’re very proud that they are multimillionaires but — in twisted irony — befuddled with tragic issues like addiction and bulimia in their personal lives. I mean, we’ve never heard of a single child star who grew up to be a complete disaster, have we?
And don’t forget about…
Ashton Kutcher; yeah, he’s been quiet for the last six months in the tabloid circuit. Just wait until his new Kevin Costner movie gets nearer to theatres. Suddenly K-Fed 1.0 will be back to reveal some sordid tale about Bruce Willis, or maybe he’ll go the more traditional route and mention some sort of opium addiction in college. He’ll then donate five grand to an opium clinic in Africa.
And I’m surprised you dropped a Desperate Housewives reference without putting the entire cast into the Crisis. Eva Longoria deserves an entry all her own.
July 25th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
An interesting side-note: I find it interesting that while there are seven deadly sins, the Bible makes special mention of rumor-mongering as the worst of all, calling it a flat-out abomination (I’m paraphrasing on the “flat-out”).
I say that because a great majority of the people in the South (where I live) buying tabloids and watching E! would consider themselves devout Christians.
The Devil is in the details.
July 25th, 2006 at 12:40 pm
Here, here, John!
Last week I open a movie/TV/stuff magazine and the first thing that sticks out is a full-page report on Jessica Alba licking a lollipop. I mean, who gives a shit? That page could have been used for another movie review, a column from that guy who got fired, or some news people genuinely care about.
July 25th, 2006 at 12:45 pm
With all the very intelligent and talented people in the world, I heartily agree with moving the spotlight away from the bizarre and ego-maniacal crowd. And they call this stuff news? I did think Hasselhoff was great in the SpongeBob Squarepants movie, though
July 25th, 2006 at 1:11 pm
I want my prize John !
July 25th, 2006 at 3:36 pm
Sleeping with Paris Hilton is like a rite of passage for everybody who’s anybody.
July 25th, 2006 at 5:49 pm
What is the function of these shows anyways? Wasn’t the star or celebrity system part of the old Hollywood machinery to keep the public interested so they would come out for the star’s next movie or tune into upcoming shows? Does it really do that still? Or is it all some kind of inertia from asses rooting into couch substructures for so long that downwardly- mutating forms of entertainment and news are unnaturally selected for by these mysterious Neilson groupies? Aah, the questions, they just keep-a-coming …
July 25th, 2006 at 9:32 pm
Just a few more years and Dakota Fanning will be a full blown psychotic in all the media. Crazier than the Olsens but not as buttugly.
By then the movie business will be direct to Blu-Ray, no more theaters.
July 25th, 2006 at 9:48 pm
Oh, if only we could exact some DC-style housecleaning upon all of this celeb driftwood. How awesome would it be to consign them all to Earth 2 and then get the ol’ Anti-Monitor to come devour their universe!
July 25th, 2006 at 10:03 pm
I’ve never met Dakota, but younger sister Elle is grounded as all get-out. I don’t forsee any psychosis ahead.
July 25th, 2006 at 11:32 pm
My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Elle Fanning do wicked Paris impersonations on the set of your movie — rumor has it she’s the next child superstar…
July 26th, 2006 at 2:43 am
Celebrities make my head spin. There are so many of them bombarding us all day and night in media and you just keep hearing about it. It’s in tabloids and regular newspapers and on TV, almost impossible to escape. And reality shows have brought to us so many more “celebrities” who are not really celebrities at all, just people who were willing to sacrifice their dignity for a chance at fleeting fame. Paris Hilton is the worst, because you look back and realize there is no logical explanation for her fame. Frankly, I can’t believe anyone would care about her at all. It’s beyond me. Still, it makes my head spin and I feel it will eventually make my head blow up. So for the sake of my head, we should rid ourselves of all those hundreds of useless celebrities. And that’s all I have to say about that.
July 26th, 2006 at 8:32 am
Screenwriters who are MORE talented than John August.
-David Koepp
-M. Night Shyamalan
-Charlie Kaufman
-Eric Roth
-Quentin Tarantino
-Stephen Gaghan
July 26th, 2006 at 9:03 am
Brilliant idea, John. Could it also be applied in the UK? And if so could we then get rid of anyone going out with/married to/seen snogging a footballer, the footballers, anyone who ever went out with a member of a crappy made-for-TV band, all members of made-for-TV bands, and all those people who appear on “I’m a celebrity, get me on TV” type programmes who make you go “And you’re famous for what, exactly?” when you see them. Thanks.
July 26th, 2006 at 10:41 am
Well John, it looks like you got your wish. Lance Bass comes out. Though from the parodies of the group during their height of popularity, it was pretty much assumed.
July 26th, 2006 at 11:12 am
Can we include a reboot of the internet as well? From now on, your IQ must be this high before you call children, or anyone, “buttugly” or “psychotic”?
IQ qualifications for anything on the internet would be very helpful to society, actually.
July 26th, 2006 at 12:10 pm
Yesterday I was noticeably disturbed by the amount of tabloid television that there is nowadays. Everybody seems to be getting publicity nowadays. From the highflying stars to the down & out secondary characters from 80’s sitcoms. It’s sad, really.
And I agree with your Tennis player point…and that’s why I respect Andre Agassi & Stephi Graf
July 26th, 2006 at 12:28 pm
Celebrity offspring who think they have inherited the right to be famous, should be all thrown into a giant electric meat grinder. Then, all of their squishy and gooey remains should be fed to their parents to remind them to do a better job raising them next time.
July 26th, 2006 at 12:32 pm
Take M. Night off that list of more talented screenwriters. And do any of them really have to be more talented? Can’t they just be different?
July 26th, 2006 at 2:40 pm
If a screenwriter kills someone, you can always say your characters made you do it.
July 26th, 2006 at 3:11 pm
I have to throw in my two cents on this one. I’m a PA in NYC and spent last week on a commercial shoot with Maria Sharapova. She is by FAR the hottest woman I’ve ever seen in person, 6 ft tall..oh, and she’s pretty damn good at tennis. After spending 12 hours in a hotel room with her (ok, and about 13 other people) I can tell you, as far as celebrities, she is about as perfect as they come, not one harsh word to anyone, friendly, sweet…and did I mention unbelievably smokin hot. Someone get this girl a drink and a Scientologist boyfriend so we can see more of her.
July 26th, 2006 at 3:25 pm
John,
Please also eliminate some bloggers. There are too many these days. I suggest that we need a 90% cull. Harsh but fair I think.
July 26th, 2006 at 4:09 pm
Hey John, if you think Crisis on Infinite Earths was good, take a look at Infinite Crisis, fucking amazing. And yeah, not just t.v. and film. But music.
Rap music today is going through what Metal went through in the late 80’s and 90’s. It needs to get out of the trend. Hell, everything needs to get out of this trend. I used to think it was just cause I was getting old that things were sucking. But no, things suck big time, time for clean-up on aisle Earth.
July 26th, 2006 at 4:25 pm
Wonder if my television can file stalking charges against Hasselhoff.
July 27th, 2006 at 7:47 am
The worst part is that these obsessions aren’t limited to the tabloids or tabloid TV. I swear to God, I heard that “Brangelina” was pregnant from the Today Show. They opened the freakin’ broadcast with it! Katie said a few random things about how the sky was falling in Iraq and then said–and yes, I do remember it verbatim–”Good genes! Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt’s baby today,” and the she said the date, whatever that was. I guess I need to give up on the notion that there’s such a thing as network news anymore. sigh
July 27th, 2006 at 12:05 pm
What if celebrities are really just CGI shots shown on television & movies ???
What if we’re all just chasing some fantasy ??
July 27th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
With the press and the homophobia thing, it’s catch 22, the childish and nasty behaviour will continue until the gay major celebrities come out. The first few may well be rough, but things will calm down and actors willl be accepted for who they are, and the press won’t be able to act in this way. In the UK, Will Young, was forced to come out to cut off a press expose, but it hasn’t done him any harm and the press and public have accepted his sexuality fully.
July 27th, 2006 at 6:58 pm
Surely this is a sign the end times are upon us.
July 28th, 2006 at 7:35 am
Please include all satellites in the Paris Hilton orbit. The thin one who “knows what she did,” the sister, the firecrotch-starter, Greek shipping heirs, other sexual partners.
Speaking of superheroes, ever seen DistractorMan (was that his name?) on SNL’s TV Funhouse? It’s so much easier to get caught up in these “celeb” stories than to pay attention to what’s really happening in the world. How the Liberators have killed thirty-thousand-plus of Saddam’s oppressed (but we’re helping them! or wait? are they now the “enemy”? I can’t remember)… destroyed an entire country’s schools, hospitals, businesses, and infrastructure, setting up a whole new generation of angry enemies…. and our own government is now tapping all our phones, dirtily ruining all political opponents (that is, anyone who questions their actions), and generally setting us back about 100 years (even Nixon and Eisenhower staffers are appalled at the money being spent, the power being abused, the setbacks in environmental and personal-liberty issues). Yep, better to feel sorry for that poor pretty Jennifer Aniston and count the days until the next celeb baby drops, than to examine any of these things too closely.
July 31st, 2006 at 4:32 pm
“Hot tennis players” - John, you and I are so on the same page. And we both can enjoy men’s tennis for the view, and the tennis of course.
Scribe