Air vents are for air
On a recent episode of “Lost,” a character climbed through air ducts to get past heavy blast doors, which had trapped him and another character. By narrative standards, this sequence would seem unremarkable. Except for one thing:
“Lost” takes place on a freaking magical island.
You’ve got polar bears, black smoke monsters, and a cabal of mysterious Others. There’s no shortage of dramatic opportunities, which is why it’s so disheartening to see the show reach for that lowest-hanging fruit: a guy in an air duct.
I’ve lived a fairly adventurous life. I’ve travelled to five continents. But the only time I’ve seen the inside of an air duct is television and movies, when a character — generally the hero — has to be clever enough (and small enough) to climb through a conveniently-accessible air duct.
Be it action-adventure, comedy or horror, the air duct has become the hack screenwriter’s go-to passageway. In fact, it’s rumored the season finale of “Yes, Dear” will take place entirely in air ducts.
Ladies and gentlemen, screenwriters, it’s time to stop.
Let’s back away from the keyboard and look at the situation with fresh eyes.
- Most air ducts are not nearly large enough to hold a grown man.
- Even if large enough, they’re not built to support a grown man’s weight.
- “Secure” facilities — where characters are most likely to climb through air vents — are exactly the places that wouldn’t have hero-sized air vents.
Thanks to continuous bombardment in television and movies, the idea of characters shimmying through air ducts has become not just a cliché, but almost a given. The moment a hero finds himself stuck someplace, we expect his eyes to drift north to that spot just below the ceiling, where an oversized grate is beckoning: “Just yank twice! I’m not screwed in or anything!”
Here’s what I’m proposing: The Screenwriter’s Vow of Air Vent Chastity.
I, John August, hereby swear that I shall never place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around.
One day, I’d love to win an Oscar. An Emmy. A Tony Award. But if all I accomplished in my screenwriting life were reducing the number of times characters climbed through air vents, I’d consider my work successful.
So if you’re on board, please sign in the comments section and tell all your screenwriting friends. Remember, only you can prevent clichés.
April 25th, 2006 at 1:06 pm
That’s fine as long as you make an exception for Toy Story 2 since the air duct is in fact large enough for toys and built strong enough to support a grown toy’s weight.
Also, if anyone is writing a screenplay about squirrels, they can also probably use the air duct.
April 25th, 2006 at 1:14 pm
You are a great screenwriter, but I’ll be damned if sit back and let you bash Lost.
Magical island, equals magical air ducts. Where such a feat - not possible in reality - becomes possible on the island of Lost.
And if you were against them going through the air duct, I’d like to hear how you would have written them out of that room.
April 25th, 2006 at 1:14 pm
I solemly swear never to have a character escape through an airduct by my own free will.
April 25th, 2006 at 1:15 pm
I’ll be curious what the consensus is, but for my money, a squirrel in a cliché is still a cliché.
April 25th, 2006 at 1:17 pm
I, Lowell Bartholomee, hereby swear that I shall never place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around.
April 25th, 2006 at 1:20 pm
I, Jonathan Bowerbank, being of sound mind, do hereby vow to never include an Air Vent sequence in any of my past and/or future screenplays.
But sewers are still game right? I mean, we’ve all seen “The Third Man”
April 25th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
Ditto. Although, if I’m ever compelled to perpetrate the cliche, I’ll have the hero discover that the grill has been bolted down and a big “X” painted across it.
April 25th, 2006 at 1:28 pm
I’m not going to use air ducts haha.
April 25th, 2006 at 1:35 pm
Darn you Mr.August, now I have to shred my 110 page opus entitled ‘Duct Tape’. Where a man is trapped inside a maze of air ducts and must escape through the only available vent. It was riveting, well, there were rivets.
April 25th, 2006 at 1:37 pm
I’m in on the no air duct pact but I think we should tack on a rider of a “No ‘enhancing’ a grainy video still so it becomes a beautiful hi-res image of a drivers license so we can tell if the person wears glasses or not.”
April 25th, 2006 at 1:40 pm
I just have to say that it really worked for me in Die Hard.
So as long as Die Hard gets a hall pass on this one, then I’m ok for banishing ducts from here on out.
April 25th, 2006 at 1:47 pm
John, I seem to recall your old friend Rawson Thurber gave his college admissions tutor a list of cliches he would never use in a movie: a robot monkey; a villain with a vaguelly European accent, etc.. It would be great if you could get hold of that list.
April 25th, 2006 at 1:49 pm
I blame Die Hard.
April 25th, 2006 at 1:59 pm
As of April 25, 2006
This letter shall serve to set forth the basic terms of the agreement (the “Agreement”) between Dara Resnik (”Author”) and Screenplay Gods (”Producer”) in perpetuity, regarding Producer’s right, title and interest in and to all screenplays written by Author. For the purposes hereof, the “Screenplay” shall be defined to include all drafts, revisions and parts thereof written in part or in whole by Author, and any subsequent drafts written by Author, and the title, themes, plot, and other contents thereof and the characters, setting and story contained therein and all translations, adaptations and other versions thereof, including versions bearing other titles. For good and valuable consideration, the receipt and adequacy of which is hereby acknowledged, the parties agree as follows:
The Screenwriter’s Vow of Air Vent Chastity. Author hereby swears never to place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around.
Entire Agreement. This Agreement embodies the entire understanding of the parties hereto and supersedes and replaces all other agreements (written and oral) between the parties relating to the subject matter hereof, and no change, modification or amendment shall be valid or effective unless in writing
AGREED TO AND ACCEPTED:
Dara Resnik
April 25th, 2006 at 2:03 pm
I, Samuel Axon, swear never to use an air duct as a means of escape for a character.
…except maybe in science fiction, because you have to admit the air duct sequences in Aliens were frickin’ awesome.
April 25th, 2006 at 2:17 pm
Ooh, one of my pet peeves! So I’m in as long as exception will be made for parody or really good comedy (e.g. the bit in Undeclared).
April 25th, 2006 at 2:24 pm
John,
Do you hate me ? I don’t feel your warmth and love anymore. Can I buy you a latte when you swing
by New York. I sound so corny, but I usually love leaving my emotions in public. Isn’t that what us screenwriters do anyhow ? Besides, when I laugh, people say I remind them of Brad Pitt with-out the blue eyes.
April 25th, 2006 at 2:27 pm
Freakin’ hilarious - I LOVED Lost last year, but feel like the writing has just plummeted this year - the most hilarious moment this year is, when watching an episode a couple of weeks back, I turned to my wife and said, “What is it about this show? The writing is just horrible…”
I turn and the Chinese subtitle reads “You’re husband [is the one who is impotent]” - I certainly LOL’ed and haven’t watched an episode since.
Glad to see things haven’t changed while I was gone.
Thanks for a great, informative, entertaining blog!
April 25th, 2006 at 2:29 pm
Samuel Axon –
Yeah, it was great in Alien — largely because they were hunting for something that was hiding in the vent. They weren’t trying to get from point A to point B.
But if you go back and watch the sequence now, it’s appreciably less great simply because everyone has ripped them off. So let’s continue the trend.
Do it — er, Don’t do it — for Ripley.
April 25th, 2006 at 2:34 pm
I think even cliches can have a role in good writing. Look at the air-duct sequence in Boondock Saints, for instance: they took what would normally be a cliched action sequence, and made a clever, funny detour out of it.
As long as you use the cliche with intent and not as a cop-out (or perhaps even better, if you use the cliche tongue-in-cheek), then it can work in a good script.
I do promise never to write myself into a corner where the only way out involves crawling through an air duct (the character crawling, not me).
-Jon
April 25th, 2006 at 2:37 pm
Two movies where this hackneyed motif worked:
Aliens (your favorite), features a great pipe crawling scene with Lance Henriksen.
Die Hard — Bruce Willis muttering about flying out to LA to have a few laughs.
But besides these two examples — I’m in complete agreement.
April 25th, 2006 at 2:40 pm
I propose adding an “air duct clause” to a comprehensive cliche ban. It would include, but not be limited to: french bread in grocery bags, cars that are hard to start because they’re wired to explode, and teen hackers who can type furiously for 15 seconds and rewrite the launch code for a nuke.
Oh yeah, and portraying all screenwriters as sexual beasts with garages full of Ferrari’s and Sports Illustrated cover models. I hate that one.
April 25th, 2006 at 2:45 pm
Scott Styrbos –
You asked how I would have written them out of that situation without the air vent. To me, the existence of the air vent only pointed out logic problems.
1) The blast door comes down. Locke realizes he can’t lift it by himself.
2) He lets “Henry Gale” out of storage to help him.
3) Blast door slams on Locke’s leg, pinning him.
4) Locke tell Henry to climb through the air vent.
But wait: Why didn’t Locke just climb through the air vent in the first place? He didn’t need to let Henry out. He could have gotten out all by himself.
It’s not because Locke was too big to fit through in the duct. It’s pretty friggen huge.
So here’s my solution:
4) Following Locke’s instructions, Henry uses that a lever (that long pole) and a fulcrum to lift the door up slightly more, enough that he can just barely squeeze under it.
Yes, this version omits the Henry-falling-in-the-pantry moment, but I never really bought that anyway. Pretty much any moment that he’s out of Locke’s sight, we’re wondering if he’s going to betray him. That’s more suspenseful anyway.
April 25th, 2006 at 2:47 pm
I, Liz Miller, hereby swear that I shall never place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around…
…unless I finally get around to writing that dust mite and moth thriller.
April 25th, 2006 at 2:49 pm
But if you wipe out the use of air vents and conduit vents you have just wiped out the whole Star Wars/Star Trek franchise. With out air vents Deep Space Nine would never have been kept safe from the Cardassians. Luke Skywalker would never have been able to blow up the Death Star. Sometimes you just got to have an air vent.
April 25th, 2006 at 2:58 pm
Super-gigantic underground caverns filled with aluminum-foil-wrapped boxes and unidentifiable machinery that nobody anywhere in the story has any idea about but still are filled with endless soldiers and workers who never speak about the Super Secret Cavern Facility to anybody anywhere in the story so when the camera pulls back for the reveal it’s so danged awesome we’re supposed to pretend we’ve never seen it in Resident Evil and xXx and many James Bond movies and Hulk and I won’t go on it’s too depressing. Please no more.
April 25th, 2006 at 3:00 pm
I haven’t even gotten to that stage in my career where I could dream to employ an air duct! But rest assured, if anthropomorphic animal costumes need a place to hide during naptime, I’ll be sure to discourage network notes asking for the air vent.
For religious reasons.
April 25th, 2006 at 3:06 pm
Sounds like a good idea. But while we’re at it, can we please stop characters looking in their rear vision mirror whilst driving, realising they’re being followed and saying, “We’ve got company”?
April 25th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
While I agree that climbing through air ducts is getting a bit over-used, I don’t know about writing them out of Lost since they have actually appeared before the episode “Lockdown” which you are referring to (Kate was climbing in them in one of the first episodes of this season). So while they did make for a really easy solution to the problem, they where not invented purely for that scene.
April 25th, 2006 at 3:10 pm
I, Nathan Shumate, hereby swear that I shall never place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around.
April 25th, 2006 at 3:13 pm
Do I sense a Dogma 95′ style revolution about to take place amongst screenwriters?
After watching “24″ I can think of one more:
‘I, Frank Z. White, hereby swear that I will never write characters who transfer impossibly vast amounts of data to handheld PDAs.’
Even if it’s plausible, it makes my PDA look like a piece of crap.
April 25th, 2006 at 3:16 pm
The only way I’d use the air vent escape is for incompetents fleeing a scene. Can you imagine just how noisy it would be for a grown man (or men) on hands and knees clomping their way through a tin shaft? The reality is that they’d be heard all over the building and immediately caught. Comical really.
April 25th, 2006 at 3:17 pm
I’m pleased to see the anti-air-duct movement under way, but what about the phrase “Cut to the chase”? Makes me cringe, and I’ve never heard a real live person say it, but it seems to be a dialogue standard.
April 25th, 2006 at 3:32 pm
Why stop at air ducts? Why not forswear blows to the head that render the hero conveniently unconscious but with no other side effects (except a need to rub the injured spot for a few seconds)?
Why not forswear the nervously-dropping-the-car-keys bit when the monster is chasing the character?
There’s a whole long list of vows we could take.
April 25th, 2006 at 4:10 pm
So what’s the alternative to air-duct travel?
From the Battle of Stalingrad on, GOING THROUGH walls and floors with whatever implements come to hand, and not even bothering with doors or windows once you’re inside, has been the accepted military approach. This will generate Kafka-ian/surrealistic resonances, which may or may not film well but shouldn’t raise an eyebrow in post 9/11 culture.
On the other hand, how can the protag SILENTLY ESCAPE through a building?
Maybe he has to use acid, or bile, or something. No, wait - that’s the monster, that’s ALIEN.
Sorry. I’ll have to think about it.
April 25th, 2006 at 4:24 pm
I, Joey Daoud, hereby swear that I shall never place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around.
Unless my villain is wicked smart and knows the hero will try this, so he leads the air ducts to the incinerator or a giant fan where the hero meets his doom - and teaches all would be heros not to use the air ducts…ever.
April 25th, 2006 at 4:30 pm
I’m in! Really annoying indeed.
April 25th, 2006 at 4:59 pm
John,
If for some reason your website is hacked or crashes in the near future…I’m quite sure the culprits will be the writers and producers of Prison Break.
They must have their air ducts in order to survive.
April 25th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
I’m in full agreement with the anti-cliche sentiment, but also vote for the “intentional (Boondock Saints) or rational (Alien) use” exception.
Joey Daoud - you may be interested in reading John Moore’s “Heroics for Beginners” book for an exploration of your wicked-smart-villain idea.
April 25th, 2006 at 5:05 pm
Har! You’ve just cut off one of Jack Bauer’s secret transport devices, and he’s trying to SAVE THE WORLD, people!
Now if we could just get rid of those horrible full-screen animations that appear on every movie character’s computer screen to signal they’ve just received an e-mail….
April 25th, 2006 at 7:39 pm
Sadly, “Yes, Dear” has already aired its series finale sans air vent.
Okay, okay, you were joking…doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt all us fans of the show! Just me, fine.
And I’m glad you brought attention to it. Not only does it seem unrealistic, it always makes me feel claustrophobic. Seriously, I have a hard time watching the scene in “The Breakfast Club” where Bender climbs through one.
Good idea.
April 25th, 2006 at 8:07 pm
I hereby give my solemn word to take the VOW OF AIR DUCT CHASTITY. Better yet, to help prevent succumbing to such cliches, I’ll fit my house with air ducts that are too small to crawl through…
April 25th, 2006 at 8:21 pm
I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell,
I’M AS MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
April 25th, 2006 at 8:32 pm
Ah…ahem…ok…No air ducts, huh? Like…NONE? Boy, that’s a tough one…I…You mean, like my screenplay can’t have any air ducts? Like, not even a grate? Ok…well…HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO GET MY FREAKING HERO OUT OF THAT LOUSY BUILDING WHERE HE’S BEING HELD BY A BUNCH OF PSYCHO TERRORISTS?! Tell me that, Mr. John “Script God” August.
April 25th, 2006 at 9:07 pm
I’m signing on, but let it be said:
A - the device was used impeccably in Die Hard and Aliens
B - if I ever make a movie with squirrels, then air ducts are fair game. same goes for flying lizards, jumping spiders, elementary schoolers, and small monkeys.
C - I’m adding an exception for movies with Robin Williams. but only because I like the idea of him getting stuck in an air duct.
April 25th, 2006 at 9:21 pm
…and there always so well lit - who knew?
April 25th, 2006 at 9:28 pm
John,
What about escaping through a sewage duct, like in Shawshank?
Ben
LA
April 25th, 2006 at 10:13 pm
Ben, jolly good point.
How’s the logic on poo pipes?
April 25th, 2006 at 10:23 pm
I have, this very day, written a scene involving characters moving from one floor to another via a ventilation shaft in an old prison. I feel bad about this now, but at least the shaft is vertical and made of stone (ie no problem supporting said people) and is difficult to break into. Oh, and it doesn’t help them because they can’t escape from the lower level. They’re just in deeper doo-doo. Still, if I can get them from one level to another any other way I will.
April 25th, 2006 at 10:47 pm
okay. fine. i’ll sign. i hereby swear not to utilize any conveniently placed routes of escape, bypass, reroute, or method of transit from point a to point b in any manner that is less than believable, credible, plausible, or valid, so as to facilitate any plot which may be convoluted, contrived, or extra fancy, in order to bring about, cause, or incite a sense of entertainment, delight, or avoidance of mind numbing boredom of the audience. said avoidance shall be in effect immediately and remain so in perpetuity here and in all other places, venues, markets, on this planet or any other. so help me god
zilla
April 25th, 2006 at 11:14 pm
John,
Wondering if you highlighted the air duct sequence to make a bigger point about the quality of writing on Lost? I think you’re spotlighting one of the show’s weakest moments simply to illustrate how much you dislike the cliche, but was wondering if you could clarify.
Thanks,
JB
April 25th, 2006 at 11:45 pm
Okay, I don’t write screenplays, but I cast the actors in ‘em. So, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll say that…
I, Bonnie Gillespie, hereby swear that I shall never cast an actor in a role in which his character must end up placed inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around.
…
Of course, if they issue rewrites after I’ve cast the damn film, there’s really nothing I can do about it.
Although…
I guess I could work penalties into my deal memo, whereby the producers must pay me again, if they violate MY blog-comment-deal here by doing a rewrite after I’ve cast the film.
Hmm.
We could revolutionize this industry.
Or not.
Cheers,
-Bon.
April 26th, 2006 at 12:16 am
I am a belgian scriptwriter and in belgian films, so long, there was never a situation where a air ducts escape could be of any use. But as a vewer, I have been very conscious of the cliché it is. And I have thought of a way of using it in a fun way: a character want’s to get out. He goes in the air ducts. One of this 3 things happens: he gets stuck in it, because the air dust is just to thin for his body ; he makes a lot of noise and the “bad guys” find him right away ; he is much to heavy and the air ducts falls down. I offer to anyone interested those solutions to pervert interistingly mr. August’s vow of chastity.
Philippe
(Because english is my second language, I may have written something in a akward manier, a bit as in “Everythind is illuminated” of Safran Foer. So I’ll give a french version of my reply. Excuse my french.)
Je suis un scénariste belge et dans les films belges, jusqu’ici, il n’y a jamais eu de situation où un système de ventilation pourrait être utilisé. Mais comme spectateur, j’ai toujours été très conscient que c’était un cliché. Et j’ai imaginé une façon amusante de l’utiliser : un personnage veut s’enfuir. Il entre dans le système de ventilation. Une des ces trois choses lui arrive: il reste coincé dans le système de ventilation, qui est trop étroit pour son corps ; il fait beaucoup de bruit et les “mauvais” le repèrent tout de suite ; il est trop lourd et fait tomber le système de ventilation. J’offre à qui veut ces solutions qui permettent de contourner le voeux de chasteté de mr. August.
April 26th, 2006 at 12:34 am
I agree with you here. Lost (while drifting and taking on water as of late) is still more interesting than the goddamned air ducts thing. Toy Story 2 should have been the last word on that maneuver, since it works both in scale and as a gentle parody of that contrivance. I hate seeing Jack Bauer or somebody crawl through these movieland air ducts 5 feet tall and 7 feet wide. Spanking clean ducts at that.
And while we’re at it: the security cameras in most movies and TV shows usually show closeups and cutaways of the action their recording. This is the kind of thing that literally makes me turn off the TV or mentally check out of the movie I’ve paid to see. All I ask is that writers, producers and directors at least TRY to be original, inspired and believable within their fiction. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
April 26th, 2006 at 12:48 am
I hereby solemnly swear never to use one of the following devices, phrases, situations or solutions.
Hmm I guess this means I could’ve never made an adaptation of the “Da Vinci Code”
April 26th, 2006 at 12:52 am
I, Americo Alvarenga, hereby swear that I shall never place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around.
There goes the chances of me ever writing a good Mario Bros. movie. However John has given me a great comedic scene, in where the character tries the air vent, and gets stuck.
And I believe Augustus gets stuck in a vent (chocolate filled as it may have been) in Willy Wonka. Doesn’t Veruca fall down some sort of shaft as well (nutty as it might have been)?
Not that you had much sway room from the book John, so I don’t blame it on ya
April 26th, 2006 at 1:24 am
I have to diagree.
We get a clear shot of Locke looking at the vent cover after the doors came down.
I believe we’re supposed to think that Locke did consider climbing through, but realized he was too big/heavy.
In any event, isn’t it excusable to have a character do something a bit illogical to serve the direction of the plot?
April 26th, 2006 at 1:27 am
I, John Quinn, hereby swear that I shall never place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around.
Still, Die Hard did it best!
April 26th, 2006 at 2:30 am
So if we’re forgiving Aliens, Die Hard, LOST, 24, and Star Wars … we gotta save a free pass for Sneakers, right?
April 26th, 2006 at 3:08 am
I, Noah Brand, hereby swear that I will not place a character inside an air duct, and I will furthermore eschew any of the other items from The Evil Overlord List unless I have a very, VERY good reason.
April 26th, 2006 at 4:12 am
Groundskeeper Willy chasing Santas Little Helper through an air duct……”Ain´t nerry an animal alive that can outrun a greased scotsman”. Gotta love it.
April 26th, 2006 at 4:19 am
I’m sorry but there was good air duct usage in Sneakers. With the guy shooting (a great big shotgun no less - the really bad guys always have a big shotgun) at river phoenix? And the temperature controlling thingy? Come on!
Otherwise, yes. I agree except for all the worthy exceptions.
April 26th, 2006 at 5:20 am
You can count me in, I mean out of the air duct cliché.
Which ain’t too hard to avoid since i’m not too kind on out-of-the-box screenwriting spare parts.
April 26th, 2006 at 5:26 am
John,
What if my entire script is set inside an air vent, from which the hero is trying to escape? Does this rule out using janitor’s closets, holding cells or storage rooms as a means of extrication?
Does it also rule out any possibility of:
a) going into production?
b) finding an audience?
c) having a career in the film industry?
April 26th, 2006 at 5:35 am
Drew - I believe Bender in Breakfast Club was in a suspended ceiling, not an air duct. And that he fell through it? At least it was a realistic portrayal of the structure as not intended for the weight of a mostly grown human male.
And John - I’ll gladly sign on to the Air Vent Vow of Chastity with the exceptions of joyously embracing and playing with the cliché. Just in case.
April 26th, 2006 at 7:12 am
I, Vlad, hereby swear that I shall never place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around, unless said situation is expressly designed to fail comedically.
Had to include a little “escape clause” for myself there. I’ve always wanted to see the hero climb into an air vent and inadvertently pull the whole thing down with his weight.
April 26th, 2006 at 8:29 am
A confession. Years ago my first screenplay was a zombies in a mall vs a group of teenagers epic. I started to write the dreaded air duct sequence, but then realized how stupid it was. So I decided to have the air duct give out on one of the characters. He fell into a horde of nasty, hungry zombies. I thought it was an appropriate demise and one I wish most characters would meet when they traverse an air duct. I think it’d make most movies better.
April 26th, 2006 at 8:45 am
“I crawled through an air duct, once”
“We used to dream of crawling through an air duct! We had to crawl around on the lawn, on our hands and knees, and bang our heads on the ground, every two feet.”
“Of course, when I say “air duct”, it was just a rusty pipe, in a garbage dump. But it was an air duct, to us!”
“But you try to tell that to kids, nowadays, and they won’t believe it.”
April 26th, 2006 at 9:07 am
Nice, I’m in.
Don’t know if you ever read the essay on Wordplayer about the words “last” and “final” in titles. It’s in the same tradition.
April 26th, 2006 at 9:51 am
I, Blake, will write no such crap in any of my screenplays. There is already plenty of grabage getting produced.
April 26th, 2006 at 10:34 am
I, Jesse Itkonen, hereby swear that I shall never place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around.
April 26th, 2006 at 10:46 am
Never, ever, never, ever, ever, EVER will I place a character in an air vent…
I’m assuming sewer systems are still aces? …no…?
Matt
April 26th, 2006 at 10:55 am
John -
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I needed that. Really.
I’m working on a rewrite - plot hinges on super-genius heist through man sized air vents - - that lead to the most secure room in the country. WTF.
Got to this scene yesterday - none of the producers seem to think ducts are a problem - decided keep them - as I am slightly behind.
Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t look at myself in the mirror this morning. Couldn’t write. Decided to procrastinate by checking out your blog.
Thank god I did.
A huge weight has been lifted. Fuck it. I’ll be a day late - but no vents.
I swear.
Feels good.
April 26th, 2006 at 10:57 am
I hereby swear by the same oath. However, that doesn’t mean I won’t let my characters try to use an air duct, only to find it way too small and unrealistic anyway.
April 26th, 2006 at 11:02 am
I hereby declare that I shall not place a character inside a ventilation shaft.
Unless maybe someone cuts me a huge check to do it.
April 26th, 2006 at 11:10 am
Regarding Lost, I believe that there is a strong possibility that what the characters refer to as the ‘air vent’ is a structure designed for a different purpose.
The film mentions that the creators of the hatch were influenced by B. F. Skinner, which suggests that the timer and the computer are part of a behavioral test. Other structures in the hatch, such as the vent, the blast doors, and possibly actors such as Desmond and Henry could also be part of this test. Even if the structure isn’t part of a psychological experiment, the exits filled with concrete show that the architects could have blocked the air vent if they truly wanted the blast doors to cut off acccess to the computer room.
(possible spoiler)
Another possibility is hinted at by the map behind the blast door, which references several hatches and vents in different locations on the island. There are theories that the vents are alternate entrances to underground tunnels, the sources of the ‘voices’, or passages used by Cerebrus, the island monster. Whatever these vents are for, they were worth pointing out on the map. The map itself is evidence that the hatch has a longer history than Desmond hinted at, and it shows some conflict between at least two that had access to the hatch. I’d be very suprised if the former occupants had been in the hatch for around 25 years and missed the uses of the vent.
If you don’t follow the show, I probably lost ya.
Having said all that, I have no problem signing. Whenever I come across a bit of architechure or prop business in my script that seems unlikely, I try to find a real world equivalent. Acting out a scene is a great way to get rid of false moments.
April 26th, 2006 at 12:06 pm
And what about the mother of all idiot duct usages? MISSION IMPOSSIBLE! Not only did the CIA actually make a man-sized duct, but they made sure to run it directly into the most protected room in the building.
At least De Palma tried to gloss over the idiocy by putting a [easily bypassed] security laser over the opening.
I like how the sewer was used in the Rock when the Marines get to the shower room. They think they are all free and clear and good to go, but they just walk right into a trap and get every single of themselves killed.
April 26th, 2006 at 12:32 pm
Can a highly intelligent script actually hurt a writers career in the age of stupid movies ?
April 26th, 2006 at 12:34 pm
Supreme kudos John! But can we also add “characters creeping through sewers (or equivalent confined underground and of damp nature locations) with flashlights on the end of their guns” too??? Perhaps we should compile a full list and get it included into the next WGA Master Agreement…
April 26th, 2006 at 12:34 pm
Let’s out Hollywood’s dirty laundry ? Did a certain script-writer sleep with a certain producer in exchange for work ?
April 26th, 2006 at 12:58 pm
I, Farley Dunsmuir, swear never, NEVER to use air ducts as a means of escape for characters in my screenplays. Not that I would’ve done it anyway.
April 26th, 2006 at 1:16 pm
Regarding Lost, and Locke looking at the vent before deciding to let Henry Gale out:
I haven’t gone back and re-watched, but okay. Maybe Locke did look up at the vent, and we were supposed to intuit that he was deciding he was too big to fit in the vent. But since he didn’t say anything then, or later, that’s a big spoonful o’ presumption.
And the air vent is hacky regardless, IMHO.
But, in case this wasn’t absolutely clear: I adore Lost. I think it speaks to the very best of what television can do, creating an ongoing, fascinating alternate reality. That they can be so good 22 episodes per year is amazing.
I knew showrunner Damon Lindelof back in the day when he was answering phones at a production company at Paramount. We had lunch at Koo Koo Roo (the same one I wrote about last year). So I’m always rooting for him, and the show.
April 26th, 2006 at 2:06 pm
Mention duct scenes to me and two words of mitigation always pop into my mind: DOCTOR NO.
But I’ll join the movement if I can also plead for an end to scenes which start off with the line, “You okay?”
April 26th, 2006 at 2:44 pm
Hmm. Next you’ll be cutting out high-speed car chases and women who trip and fall when running in terror. Those of us who rather enjoy the sensation of rolling our eyes in movie theatres are nervous.
p.s. gratuitous sex scenes do not make my eyes roll. instead they (among other things) embiggen. this is also a pleasant sensation. please, i have so little.
April 26th, 2006 at 2:50 pm
The Mission Impossible use of air ducts was pretty bad. On top of it they had a giant rat wandering around in it that somehow managed to not ever trigger those laser beam alarms…Another thing I’d hate to keep seeing relates to sound desing. Text on computer monitors DOES NOT make a sound when it’s being typed out. Imagine how annoying this would be in real life, an office filled with dozens of computers making little digital bleeps every time something is typed.
April 26th, 2006 at 2:51 pm
Oh, and do Jeffries Tubes count?
April 26th, 2006 at 2:57 pm
I, Michael, hereby swear that I shall never place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around, except in purposely cliched comedies.
April 26th, 2006 at 3:43 pm
I think you should add trap doors in the ceilings of elevators to this, they aren’t there - or at least they aren’t in Europe; I’ve looked in elevators in every country over here and not once have I been able to climb out and stand on top of one.
April 26th, 2006 at 6:13 pm
The International Spy Museum in Washington DC features an air vent that patrons can crawl through. No examples of any espionage successfully accomplished through vent-related derring-do are cited. As I remember, the sign on the exhibit says something about vents being a staple in spy movies.
But crawling through that vent was one of the coolest things I’ve ever done.
April 26th, 2006 at 7:14 pm
I, Aaron Forsander, hereby swear that I shall never place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around, unless I really have to.
April 26th, 2006 at 8:16 pm
A bit confused:
Air ducts. No. Heir ducks. Yes?
April 26th, 2006 at 10:58 pm
Ok, no ducts. But I am sure glad you didn’t get hold of Terry Gilliam with this before he co- wrote and directed Brazil.
April 27th, 2006 at 12:17 am
I was going to sign your manifesto when… I discovered I just had written my two main characters out of a lab through the air ducts!
It’s an animation film, my two main characters are two flies! Are insects included in your declaration?
Camille thanks for that funny list!
April 27th, 2006 at 12:45 am
i’m in. sign my name.
air ducts can be big enough to hold and support a human being, but hvac systems needed for such capacity aren’t exactly common enough to be found so often in film and tv. also, air ducts connecting secure areas to non-secure areas are physically impossible to bypass. ask any facilities manager or security director for a defense contractor. the same goes for computers in secure areas. it is impossible to hack them from the outside b/c they aren’t even connected to the internet. so, henry gale’s passage from a locked down “secure” area is highly improbable.
April 27th, 2006 at 1:09 am
Alternative ways to get out of the room.
Find the key under the door mat.
Fake illness and when someone come hit them on head.
Find man size air gap behind wall (ie Matrix, Leon)
Use sonic screwdriver.
April 27th, 2006 at 1:18 am
I promise also not to use air ducts… In screenplays. I will continue to regard them as a possible means of escape in real life (even though I have never seen one big enough to fit me). Never rule ANYTHING out and you won’t get blown up, eaten alive by acid dripping aliens or ping pong popping emperors like Zurg.
April 27th, 2006 at 1:48 am
If I ever become a screenwriter, I will not use air ducts unless…………
April 27th, 2006 at 2:29 am
Oh, and another thing… it’s like every night of the week I see ordinary CCTV footage getting the ‘zoom and enhance’ treatment… in the increasingly-preposterous CSI we were supposed to believe that they zoomed in on the image of a document from the far side of a parking lot at night, and not only identified it as an airline ticket but scanned the barcode for the passenger details!
April 27th, 2006 at 2:44 am
Sorry, but I just can’t sign up to this.
I love air vents. They’re the junk food of action-adventure screenwriting.
I mean, sure, I should make myself a salad and drink metaphorical yoghurt, but sometimes an air vent and a coke hits the spot.
Not that I’d use them all the time.
But every so often, nothing but an air vent will do.
April 27th, 2006 at 2:57 am
My whole movie is set in air ducts! Dammit!
Can i still sign up?
April 27th, 2006 at 4:29 am
MMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm air ventelicious……..(drool)
April 27th, 2006 at 6:35 am
And these days the air duct scene always leads to the ‘evil henchman rakes outside of duct with automatic fire, nods meaningfully and barks into headset “target neutralized,” then hero is seen staring at smoking bullet hole in shock at being completely unharmed’ scene.
‘Mission: Impossible III’ has both the air duct and the elevator shaft scenes. It’s a spy thing.
April 27th, 2006 at 6:44 am
Funny, THE CORAL SEA didn’t have air vents in it….
April 27th, 2006 at 7:29 am
Yeah it’s a cliché that needs a holiday.
‘Aliens’ was 1986, ‘Die Hard’ was 1988 and ‘Toy Story: 2′ was 1999 (and was taking the p!ss a bit anyway).
Instead of b!tching about the OLD clichés though perhaps we should concentrate on creating some NEW ones! So that the next generation can be wracked with guilt for writing themselves out of self-inflicted corners using them.
April 27th, 2006 at 8:16 am
/sign
But if I cast a miniaturization spell and then use the Star Trek transporter to beam me into the aid duct . . . Never-mind
April 27th, 2006 at 8:30 am
I, Stephen Benson, hereby swear that I shall never place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around
April 27th, 2006 at 8:36 am
ATTACK OF THE KILLER AIR VENTS: PART 4
April 27th, 2006 at 8:42 am
I’m there on the air ducts, but I find Lost unwatchable due to one of my pet peeves: over-lit nightime exteriors.
They are in the woods on an island at night and there’s light coming at them from 360 degrees. They look like they’re standing in a football stadium lit by rainbow coloured floodlights. I know they can’t shoot those scenes in total darkness, but if you make the scene look like it’s shot in a studio, then you take me out of the scene.
I’ve only watched 5 or 6 whole episodes (out of sequence), and so have not followed the story, but maybe that’s the twist: They’re all trapped in a TV studio with an over-zealous DOP - in which case it’s the writer’s doing.
I can’t get past the fake studio lighting in Lost.
April 27th, 2006 at 8:46 am
@*#!
I guess my 119 page opus, “Air Ducts ~ The Musical” is out! I probably won’t have any reason to include a character in an air duct… so for now, I’ll agree to it (without swearing under oath or over a Bible).
There are, I’m sure, creative ways to use an air duct scene as of yet unrealized — I’m up for the challenge (should one EVER arise… which is highly unlikely).
Best Regards,
~Devin
April 27th, 2006 at 8:54 am
You guys brought up “Alien”, but has anybody mentioned the duct gag at the end of Jurassic Park? That’s a classic, textbook example. It’s arguably hacky, but it also helped build up the suspense, and it was, in my opinion, done in a pretty exciting way.
So, is an air duct gag still feasible if it’s done in an new and interesting way, or are we totally 100% against it? Although, I agree with John that the use of air vents are an overly done cliche. But what if the gag was used in some way other than to get from point A to Point B? Say, like a spy film where the Hero climbs inside an air vent to snoop on a unsuspecting villain. Still, it’s cliche, but for that type of film, I think it makes sense.
April 27th, 2006 at 10:27 am
I’m proud to say I never so much as imagined an air duct in my writing. Nor will I. Ever.
April 27th, 2006 at 10:55 am
I hereby retract questioning Jeffries Tubes. That was extra silly of me. Of course they carry air, but that’s because their primary purpose is to allow human passage.
I’m still waiting for the first sex scene in an air duct, though.
April 27th, 2006 at 2:27 pm
I, Marshal Zeringue, hereby swear that I shall never place a character inside an air duct, ventilation shaft, or any other euphemism for a building system designed to move air around. Moreover, if Darkbloomz Productions ever has the financial clout, I pledge we will make a film in which our Band of Heroes climbs every mountain and fords every stream only to reach (famous A/C pitchman) Dave Lennox, bound and gagged in a chair, 30 seconds AFTER Willy Wonka’s henchmen have beheaded him.
April 27th, 2006 at 2:47 pm
In the show’s defense, there was no real proof that Henry Gail actually went into the duct. It strongly implied he lied about almost everything he said he did, and then in a later episode many of his lies were exposed as such.
That said, there is a lot of bad writing on Lost, though I love the show. They just write it in such a rushed schedule that sometimes bad things get left in, I guess.
April 27th, 2006 at 4:00 pm
Okay. I promise never to ever use an air duct in any of my screenplays. Except the next one. Because I think it would make a great joke. Don’t worry. Nobody would actually crawl through it. My idea is way better. hehe.
April 27th, 2006 at 4:54 pm
I also promise never to use an air duct in any vaguely possible screenplays I may write in the far future. And I double promise.
April 27th, 2006 at 10:38 pm
I not only pledge to refrain from placing the hero in an air duct, I also pledge to write a sequence where the hero attempts to climb into one but quickly realizes that he is far too heavy/big for the duct. Even better, perhaps he injures himself attempting to remove a very secured grate.
April 28th, 2006 at 4:07 am
First off, Lost is more over-hyped than the freakin’ O.C. Also, Die Hard’s air duct scene is awesome. And the episode of the Simpsons where Bart and Homer steal Willie’s retirement grease is a classi.c
April 28th, 2006 at 8:54 am
Hmmm…you know…I hadn’t thought about the ominpresence and general stupidity of air vent drama until now. I’ve never written an air vent scene before, but something tells me I’ll be working one into a spoof now.
It really is an incredibly hacky maneuver.
April 28th, 2006 at 9:54 am
I promise not to use any vents (or anything resemebling one either). I aslo promise to change one of my existing scripts to not enforce the cliche (in which someone is useing a ventilation shaft of a large building to quickly drop to the bottom …the elevator shaft should work okay).
April 28th, 2006 at 10:38 am
No character of mine will shimmy through an air duct, sewer pipe, or, for that matter, get caught in a closet while the villain mutters to himself in the room.
April 28th, 2006 at 11:03 am
Actually, I used this same idea in a comedy I just sent off to the Nicholl conest:
Stuart perches on Benjii’s shoulders, unscrewing a
ventilation grill in the ceiling.
DOGG BENJII
Jack it up, Pillsbury!
STUART
One second … got it!
Between them, they lower the grill to the floor. Stuart
checks out the airshaft.
STUART
Fuck!
DOGG BENJII
What’s wrong?
STUART
It’s so tiny! I can’t fit in there.
DOGG BENJII
Told your bony ass –
STUART
They’re always so much bigger in
the movies!
April 28th, 2006 at 12:35 pm
I think my next script will be entirely in an air vent. From page 1 to 100, all air vents, baby!!!
April 28th, 2006 at 3:29 pm
Until they start making air-ducts big enough to make it authentic, I, Abe Burnett, will never use them as a way out of any writing conundrum.
April 28th, 2006 at 5:13 pm
I will (probably) never write a story containing air-duct (and such) as a pathway from A to B.
JT
April 28th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
Aha! But I think you’d make an exception in a musical. Say our two prison pals make a dash for the outside world and all that stands between these two soon-to-be former inmates is the final duct grate. Suddenly the two hardened criminals break out in a song and dance routine inside the vent. Soon after the tango has begun, the guards who were hot on their tail join in the festivities, accompanied by a few leaping German Shepherds.
Now you can’t tell me that you wouldn’t dig that vent scene…
April 28th, 2006 at 10:50 pm
Frank Z. White was dissing ‘24′ and I just have to respond. Frank, Jack Bauer’s PDA can hold all that data because it’s Government Issue. See, they have all the best stuff. Plus, Jack is magic. If Jack Bauer had been on Flight 815, those people would have been off the island by the end of the first day. Okay, a lot more of them would be dead now, but you know what I’m saying.
April 28th, 2006 at 11:26 pm
Dear Mr. August,
I heartily agree with your vow of air-vent abstinence, I try to avoid as many clichés as possible. But, you really must admit, the greatest example of this was indeed in Aliens. Samuel Axon beat me to this comment and Morris later made a similar reference.
You said to Samuel Axon, “Yeah, it was great in Alien — largely because they were hunting for something that was hiding in the vent. They weren’t trying to get from point A to point B.”
But that’s Alien, by Ridley Scott, in 1979. I’m talking about Aliens, by James Cameron, in 1986. Which as Morris pointed out, is listed as your favourite movie. And in that movie, they WERE trying to get from point A to point B. Half a troop of heavily armored marines were apparently small enough and light enough to happily stomp through a maze of vents, that were actually big enough to run through if you ducked.
Now I’m not saying that Aliens sucked. But that part of the movie is a great example of the very thing we’ve come together to protest today. And though it was made 20 years ago, I’m sure Cameron didn’t invent, “let’s take a shortcut through the ventilation system!” Even if he says he did later on.
So I guess, what I’m saying is, if you can LOVE Lost (and I’m right there with you on that one) whilst still seeing that they have made mistakes and cut a few corners in the script writing here and there - you must also be able to LOVE Aliens, but be able to say, Cameron is guilty of the same sin.
But when you come down to it. The reality in which movies and television take place, isn’t our reality. It’s a reality of concepts and consensus of opinions based on every movie that’s come before it. Is it annoying when cars explode after turning over in a ditch or hitting a tree? Yes! And is it unrealistic when people fly backwards through the air when they’re shot? Absolutely! But will it happen again and again in movies from now until we wipe ourselves out? Of course it will… Because audiences expect to see it and feel that it’s not only possible, but believable and even likely. However, that doesn’t mean a good writer should just accept it and use cliché.
April 29th, 2006 at 4:41 pm
John,
• Have a character pump his/her arm while saying the word “Yessss!”
• Foreshadow a death in reel six by a cough in reel two.
April 29th, 2006 at 7:08 pm
Not to trivialize anything, but there’s this:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12494679/
May 1st, 2006 at 12:38 pm
If a hero is using an airduct to get from one room to another, why would they need to be secured? If a person would normally have access to a room by a door, why block the airduct? Bruce Willis used one in Die Hard to get around Hans & Co., not to get into secured areas. In what film did a hero use an unsecured airduct to get into a secured area? In Mission Impossible they used an unsecured airduct, but they still had to get by the laser grid that protected the room.
May 1st, 2006 at 2:15 pm
i directed the episode of ‘undeclared’ that had the air shaft gag, referenced by Annika in entry #16 … When I read that scene in the script it really made me laugh, because I too hate that cliche