10 things I hate about me
Kevin Arbouet tagged me to answer 10 questions about mistakes and bad practices.
Taken the wrong way, the whole exercise could be kind of negative and bleak. But one (hopefully) learns from one’s errors, so it’s in that spirit that I further the meme.
1) WHAT’S THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER WRITTEN?
With hindsight being 20/20, probably Fantasy Island. My concept was probably interesting only to people familiar with the show. (Short version: Roark dies on page 13, and shit goes haywire.) There were too many characters, and it was all too arbitrary. Years later, “Lost” did everything I was trying to do, and so much better.
2) WHAT’S THE WORST LINE YOU’VE EVER WRITTEN?
From Demonology: “Somewhere between fuck me and fuck you — there’s the problem.” I held onto that dumb line for far too long, until the exec finally called me on it.
3) WHAT’S THE WORST ADVICE YOU’VE EVER GIVEN?
To my former assistant, Rawson: “I don’t think anyone is clamoring to see Vince Vaughn playing dodgeball.”
4) WHAT’S THE ONE TIME YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD HAVE SPOKEN UP BUT YOU DIDN’T?
I did a rewrite of a movie for a pretty big producer. In the original script, the sister of the protagonist was a flight attendant. I changed her into a pilot, just because I thought it was more interesting. The producer insisted that I change it back, because, “That’s absurd. I’ve never seen a female pilot. I just don’t believe it.”
I know a female commercial airline pilot; I had recently been on a flight with a female pilot; four seconds of Googling could give me the exact statistics that I needed to prove that female pilots are not the Yetis of aviation. But I said fuck it, it’s not worth fighting about and changed it back. I regret not making my point, though it wouldn’t have really amounted to anything meaningful.
5) WHAT’S THE WORST PITCH MEETING YOU’VE EVER HAD?
Just this year, I pitched my take on Black Monday to Paramount. I had this bad feeling going in, sort of like when you think you might be catching a cold. Except this wasn’t a case of the sniffles, but rather some kind of aphasia. I couldn’t get three words together. It was awful.
David Hayter is writing it now. God bless him.
6) WHO’S THE ONE PERSON YOU’D NEVER WORK WITH AGAIN AND AREN’T AFRAID TO NAME?
Don Murphy. Runner up: Bernard Rose.
7) WHAT’S THE WORST SCRIPT IDEA YOU’VE EVER HAD?
Highlanders. Early in my career, I was up for writing one of the sequels. I probably spent a solid week working on my take, without ever once stopping to think, “Seriously, Highlanders?”
8) WHAT’S THE WORST THING ABOUT YOU BEING ON SET?
After a certain point, I have a hard time masking my boredom. Every other person on set has a job to keep him or her busy. My job is to watch rehearsals, then stare at the monitor during each take, silently whispering the dialogue I wrote. During the 95% of the time we’re not rehearsing or shooting, I get incredibly restless.
Come to think of it, the script supervisor has largely the same job (and lack thereof). I could probably never be a script supervisor.
9) WHAT’S YOUR WORST WORKING HABIT?
Particularly when I’m re-writing a script, I suffer from what my friend John Gatins refers to as the line-painter dilemma. Here’s the short version:
A guy is hired to paint the yellow line down the middle of a country road. The first day, he paints five miles. His supervisor is impressed. The second day, he only paints two miles. His supervisor thinks, “Well, maybe he had a bad day.” But the third day, the guy only paints half a mile. The supervisor asks the guy what’s wrong — why is he getting so much less done?
“Well,” the guy says, “I have to keep walking back to the paint can.”
The screenwriting equivalent, of course, is that at the start of each day’s work, one’s instinct is to go back to page one and read-slash-revise up to where you left off. Which is a very counter-productive habit.
10) WHAT’S THE WORST MISTAKE YOU’VE EVER MADE?
I could have bought Muhammad Ali’s old house. My real estate agent got me in to see it, and I loved it. I went back to see it twice, once with my contractor, to figure out exactly how I’d redo it. But I chickened out at the price. Now, of course, it’s worth three times that. I drive by it twice a week when taking my dog to swimming lessons. And every time, I think, damn. That should have been my house.
Not that my current house isn’t perfectly fine. It’s great. But it’s not epic-great. It’s not a house that I’d happily die in. That’s the Muhammad Ali house, my San Simeon.
Looking back, almost all the things I regret are non-actions — chances I didn’t take. I actually got a tattoo to help me remember that.
Articles
March 27th, 2006 at 1:23 pm
Hehe. I think the producer should be more embarresed by this entry than you should.
March 27th, 2006 at 1:28 pm
Uh… you give your dog swimming lessons?
Must be a California thing.
March 27th, 2006 at 1:31 pm
Although given how Xanadu turned out for Charlie Kane, maybe foregoing Aliwood was for the best?
March 27th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
Any chance of posting a pic of your tattoo?
March 27th, 2006 at 1:57 pm
Please tell me you didn’t just write that your dog takes swimming lessons.
March 27th, 2006 at 3:00 pm
Not just doggie swimming lessons, but twice a week? Exactly how long does it take a dog to master his paddle?
March 27th, 2006 at 3:28 pm
I guess the dog’s swimming lessons would be #11.
March 27th, 2006 at 4:02 pm
I knew that when I typed “dog to swimming lessons” I would get only-in-Hollywood comments.
He’s an eleven-year old pug who is largely paralyzed in his back legs, because of a combination of a spinal disk impingement and hip dysplasia. Pretty much the only thing that’s worked for him (including drugs and accupuncture) is physical therapy twice a week, i.e. swimming. He’s actually a pretty good swimmer, and he can now hobble around somewhat, which is a big improvement.
Here’s a photo:
Link
And no, he doesn’t look terrified normally. The photo is from his first time.
March 27th, 2006 at 4:31 pm
The line-painter dilemma example is pretty cool. And I agree with #4. Is there dog swimming lessons?? Weird world.
March 27th, 2006 at 4:35 pm
Oh, didn’t see you comment John… Updated the page to late. Is there physical therapies for dogs?? Nice world.
March 27th, 2006 at 7:49 pm
Hi John,
I’ve read many books about screenwriting, countless blog posts and tutorials, but I never had read about the “line-painter dilemma”. And I’m so thankful you did because that’s exactly my worst habit.
When I sit down, I try as hard as I can NOT to read what I wrote from page 1. I try to read 2 or 3 pages before but not more than that. And then, I give in to the line-painter demon and start to read from page one!
But hearing it from someone as experienced as you and knowing it’s one of your worst writing habits, somehow makes it easier for me not to do it the next time I sit down with my script.
By the way, thanks for sharing this wonderful blog with us, the aspiring writers!
Now what did I write on that first paragraph?
Jorge
March 27th, 2006 at 9:34 pm
JOHN:
Thanks for answering my tag! Very illuminating.
Don Murphy…yeah. Some people think he’s the reason behind The Hughes Brothers break-up…
Oddly enough I just met with this video game company that wants me to write for them and its owned by Ubi-Soft. The son of the founder was talking about Prince of Persia. Small world, huh?
March 27th, 2006 at 10:41 pm
I was wondering what ever happened to the “Men in Black” dog?
Kinda like Mikey eating Pop Rocks and drinking coke.
March 27th, 2006 at 11:04 pm
Wow. Props for going above and beyond with your dog. I wish I could’ve done that with a dog I had long ago.
And I can never watch the Futurama episode “Jurassic Bark” again.
March 27th, 2006 at 11:23 pm
Dog swimming lessons = you rule.
Line-painter dilemma = guilty.
March 28th, 2006 at 4:25 am
May I ask you why you would’t work with Bernard Rose again?I kinda think he’s a very laidback and grounded guy.
March 28th, 2006 at 4:39 am
As the owner of an insulin-dependent and thyroid-challenged cat, needing medication three times a day: twice by subcutaneous injection and once by mashing two tablets into dust and cunningly mixing with tuna, I a) applaud your efforts and b) whimper with gratification at the validation by proxy. But taking a dog to swimming lessons, sheesh, that’s sick.
Seriously, love your blog. So glad I stumbled across it. And yes, I’m guilty of the yellow line syndrome. Alas, I need to read what I’ve written to help me get back into my groove. I just count myself lucky I don’t have to lick my light switches before leaving the house. Oh, wait…
March 28th, 2006 at 7:30 am
Did the Cruiser have any influence with Jake taking up swimming and coming off drugs?
March 28th, 2006 at 7:58 am
Wait… they have doggie accupuncture in Hollywood too? Ha ha. Just thought I’d get in a quick shot where I could.
March 28th, 2006 at 9:05 am
Damn, the thing about folding to the pressure about the female pilot is that you don’t have an excuse then to use that great word “Aviatrix” on a regular basis.
It’s probably politically incorrect, but it’s just such a cool word. Say it with me, “Aviatrix…”
Yeah.
March 28th, 2006 at 10:37 am
Line painter dilemma. So, it has a name.
March 28th, 2006 at 10:44 am
I could see that “Demonology” line working in some context with some actors – Denis Leary maybe? You might want to file it away for another movie.
Incidentally, from what you’ve mentioned about it in the past, I think that film would have been really really awesome, I’m bugged I’ll never get to see it.
March 28th, 2006 at 12:22 pm
There will be no pictures of my tattoo. It’s on my leg, not my ass. And for the record, I got it in 1992, well before everyone’s kid sister was getting angel wings.
March 28th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
john
i’d be glad to sell that house to you. i’m sure it will triple in value. you wouldn’t want to make the same mistake twice. waiting for your call…
z
March 28th, 2006 at 11:21 pm
Yeah but when my kid sister has an orgasm, her angel wings look like they’re fluttering. (Umm… at least that’s what I heard). What can YOUR tattoo do?
March 29th, 2006 at 12:21 am
On IMDB it says Rawson is just one of three assistants that have gone on to write, direct, produce, not merely open your mail.
Who were the other two? And what’s in the water there? :-)
March 29th, 2006 at 1:33 am
…that was so wrong in so many different ways…
March 29th, 2006 at 4:53 am
“Highlanders?” indeed. For a franchise that claims repeatedly “There can be only one” there sure are a lot of them. And when, may I ask, did you work with Bernard Rose?
March 29th, 2006 at 9:04 am
Uh…
I think the point has indeed been missed.
Sorry, John.
March 29th, 2006 at 9:50 am
Right, back on topic, I’m actually curious how your take on “Highlanders” would be? Maybe there’d finally be a decent sequel in there. Can you offer any tidbits?
March 29th, 2006 at 6:02 pm
Geez! I wish the worst mistake I made in my life was turning down on Mr. Ali’s former home! Must be nice to have that kind of green.
March 29th, 2006 at 9:09 pm
For flavor, I should add that the-house-which-could-have-been-mine is a stone’s throw away from Shane Black’s. Seriously, you could chuck a rock through his window. Not that you’d want to, but it’s nice to know that if one of Shane’s Halloween parties got out of control, there would be window-smashing capabilities.
March 29th, 2006 at 9:19 pm
18 (Brian) :
No, Mr. Tom Cruise played no part in my dog getting off drugs. My dog’s only brush with celebrity was Cameron Diaz, who proclaimed him cute. (Notice how I managed to name drop not just for myself, but for my dog. That’s finesse.)
26 (Jake Barnes) :
My other two assistants have been Dana Fox and Chad Creasey, both of whom are imdb-able. I just checked and saw that Chad wrote his own mini-bio, for which I will harrass him endlessly.
April 2nd, 2006 at 2:02 am
John, thanks for this. Wonderfully honest, funny and vulnerable. Makes me wonder if I would have been able to do the same. Very entertaining, and thought provoking. And of course the name dropping, just for added elan. Screenwriter Bones http://www.screenwriterbones.blogspot.com
May 4th, 2006 at 2:08 pm
Hi John. One thing you won’t hate about you, is your future in parenting. I heard you speak at an expo and you answered a question quite brilliantly. Someone asked about what you will allow your child to watch. You said pretty much everything as long as you could have discussions about it with her (I think it’s a girl.) That, I must say is the key to parenting. Some of my best conversations have been had with my kids after movies. I recently took my 13 year old daughter to see the Bettie Page movie. She is still talking to me a week later. Just wanted to tell you that. Have Fun being a family! Laurie Allen