A message to Dr. Phil
I ventured over to the Paramount lot yesterday for a meeting. None of the studios have ample parking, but Paramount’s main parking lot is comically over-crowded. Their solution is a crew of pseudo-valets who don’t actually park your car, but rather jockey other cars around when you inevitably find yourself stuck behind three Land Rovers. It’s like a scaled-up version of those sliding-number puzzles, only with a higher probability of fender damage.
Yesterday, the parking was worse than usual, because the adjacent executive parking lot — in truth, a sunken area designed to be flooded when crews need to shoot outdoor water sequences — was being used for a taping of the Dr. Phil show.
Since a significant portion of readers live outside the U.S., I should briefly explain who Dr. Phil is. He’s a bald, oversized Texan who got his start on the Oprah Winfrey show dishing out common-sense advice to people in bad situations. He now has his own show, books, and media empire.
After parking the Prius, I noticed a sizable crowd of white women in their 30’s and 40’s waiting patiently for blazer-wearing interns to herd them along. At first, I assumed it was a tour group, but in fact it was the Dr. Phil audience, who’d just spent an hour or three in the hot sun for a taping of the show. They all had blue t-shirts (which is why I assumed they were a tour group). It wasn’t until I got closer that I could read what was printed on them.
Some said, “Thunder Thighs.” Others had similar anatomical features, such as “Big Butt” or “Flabby Arms.” These observations were, I’m sad to report, largely accurate. That doesn’t make them any less disturbing.
Apparently, the idea of the episode was that you got handed a t-shirt with a self-critical message printed on the back. I keep trying to imagine the exact thought process the women in the audience went through.
- Wow! I got a Dr. Phil t-shirt! The girls back at Winn-Dixie are gonna be jealous.
- Huh. It’s got “Thunder Thighs” printed on it.
- Maybe I can wear it under a baggy shirt, so you can see the Dr. Phil logo, but not what’s printed on the back.
- I’m glad I didn’t get the “Saggy Tits” shirt.
Dr. Phil apparently is a real doctor, with a degree in psychology, so I can only assume the t-shirts were part of a “break-em-down, build-em-up” program with clear goals and careful follow-up. Somehow compressed down to 40 minutes.
But I think it’s unfair that only these women got t-shirts. The only fair thing would be to force everyone on the Paramount lot to wear blue t-shirts publicly stating their insecurities. Some of the more common t-shirts would be:
- “Hack”
- “Borderline Psychotic”
- “Five Years Older Than I Admit”
- “$40,000 in Debt”
- “Fender Denter”
- “Fat Lucky Texan”
Mine would read “Pee Shy.” I’m going to publicly come out and say it takes me forever to start peeing in a crowded men’s room. I have to hum TLC’s “Waterfalls” to get the flow started. (If I get to Left Eye’s rap section, I just give up and hold it.)
Your turn. What would your t-shirt read? And you might as well be honest, since it’s anonymous and all.
Articles
August 25th, 2005 at 9:03 am
“Pee Shy” sounds good to me. Just never really worked out for me. Can’t wait until about sixty years down the road when I can go back to wearing diapers. That’ll ease things a little bit.
August 25th, 2005 at 9:04 am
I’d go with a classic - “Beer Gut”.
August 25th, 2005 at 9:05 am
Mine would say: “Rough Draft”
August 25th, 2005 at 9:13 am
“Talent Fraud”
Doubting your talent is a problem I still need to fix….
August 25th, 2005 at 9:19 am
“Pee shyness” or “shy bladder” is officially called paruresis. Check out http://www.paruresis.org, which has a lot of information including a guide to relatively quick and easy self-treatment (using basic exposure therapy).
August 25th, 2005 at 9:25 am
“Permanent Awkward Stage.” I pretend to dress up, but I’m still the geek who showed up to the first day of high school in cut-offs and a purple tie-dye.
August 25th, 2005 at 9:36 am
It’d have to be “Scared to Pitch”.
August 25th, 2005 at 9:38 am
“Perpetual Drama Nerd.” Yes, even on my best days, when I feel great, the writing is flowing, the acting is flowing, and I am the ultimate in “Cool,” I am still basically the drama nerd sitting in the back of the theatre, going over my lines, when they are more than memorized, as well as the lines for the entire cast!
How’s that for a long sentence?! : )
August 25th, 2005 at 9:54 am
“One More”
as in one more beer.
Mark Mark’s Screenwriting Page
August 25th, 2005 at 10:11 am
Should be writing instead of Web Surfing
August 25th, 2005 at 10:38 am
“Never Good Enough” or “Only In My Dreams” or “Size 6 Wannabe” or “Brunette & Still Spacey” or “Allergic to Nice Guys” or … shit, now I’m depressed.
August 25th, 2005 at 11:19 am
Another stray dog with a script in his mouth?
No.
Day job
August 25th, 2005 at 11:24 am
Mine would be: “Wasted Life” I’ve got a degree that I don’t want or use, and I spend all day doing something worthless instead of trying to improve myself. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.
August 25th, 2005 at 11:28 am
When I was coming up, “pee shy” was known as “stadium disease” - I guess in honor of those long troughs in stadium johns (no offense) that serve as urinals. But then, I’m a non-bald, regular-sized Texan.
August 25th, 2005 at 11:44 am
ja
that is truly funny. a few more of those and you could glomp together a book. i love hollywood
my teeshirt: twice as funny as hitchcock
should that be: funnier than hitchcock
i can’t decide. take your pick
August 25th, 2005 at 11:45 am
Chronic Masturbator….haha no but wouldn’t that be a funny t-shirt?
August 25th, 2005 at 12:58 pm
So what if I like ABBA, Bitch?
August 25th, 2005 at 1:16 pm
Voted for Mondale
or
Actually Saw ‘The Pacifier’
August 25th, 2005 at 1:45 pm
“Better looking than you but feel uglier.”
August 25th, 2005 at 1:46 pm
P.S. I have bashful bladder too and imagine penguins taking a leak on the snow to get the system running. They don’t actually pee, but the imagery does the trick.
August 25th, 2005 at 2:38 pm
wow, paolo, nice tht ya wanted to help, but I could’ve lived without that image. really.
August 25th, 2005 at 2:42 pm
“Token”
August 25th, 2005 at 2:44 pm
hmmm, “useless but friendly” or “works hard, no results”
August 25th, 2005 at 3:14 pm
beyond praise
August 25th, 2005 at 3:29 pm
“Follically challenged”
August 25th, 2005 at 3:37 pm
“I still live at home.”
August 25th, 2005 at 5:15 pm
“Hopeful”
August 25th, 2005 at 5:52 pm
heh. Mine would definitely be “I grasp at the straws of an extensive pop-culture knowledge to disguise my lack of real cool-ness”. heh. I wonder if that could even fit on a Dr. Phil shirt?
August 25th, 2005 at 6:16 pm
“Out of towner”
August 25th, 2005 at 6:38 pm
Dunno if you’ve seen this, John, but today post made me think of it… http://postsecret.blogspot.com
August 25th, 2005 at 7:07 pm
“Cornering the market on Quite Desperation”
August 25th, 2005 at 7:08 pm
“Wish I could differentiate between ‘quite’ and ‘quiet’”
August 25th, 2005 at 7:12 pm
“Chronic Halitosis”
August 25th, 2005 at 8:54 pm
“Bought a Hanson CD”
August 25th, 2005 at 9:13 pm
“The Other Weinstein Brother.”
August 25th, 2005 at 10:15 pm
In my current job, probably a slogan saying “Abuse Me.” But they’ll do it regardless.
And it’s cheating, but I always liked:
“I’m a bomb technician. If you see me running, try and keep up.”
Kind of bad taste these days though.
August 25th, 2005 at 10:30 pm
“I snoodled more than once”
August 25th, 2005 at 11:11 pm
“Are the dishes really clean?”
August 25th, 2005 at 11:16 pm
“I often have adulterous, homo-erotic fantasies involving my Rabbi.”
August 25th, 2005 at 11:25 pm
“Sucks at Math”
August 25th, 2005 at 11:42 pm
“Eternal Procrastinator”
August 25th, 2005 at 11:59 pm
“Trust-Fund Baby”
August 26th, 2005 at 2:45 am
“Wishes He Had Terry Rossio’s Career”
i have problems urinating when i’m stoned. once, a few years ago, i took a lot a lot a LOT of oxycontin and ended up in the ER with a catheter in my penis because apparently one of the side fx is you lose control of your ureter muscle and can’t relax it enough to piss. isn’t that awful.
August 26th, 2005 at 6:12 am
Mine would read :
Intern : stoops to conquer.
August 26th, 2005 at 6:34 am
“Coward” Ouch. Gee, thanks a lot for making me look at myself objectively. Now I’m going to be depressed all day.
August 26th, 2005 at 7:47 am
“Envious Of Your Success”
August 26th, 2005 at 7:54 am
“Have an STD..Don’t worry it’s a cool one”
August 26th, 2005 at 8:34 am
“SNAKES ON A PLANE”
August 26th, 2005 at 9:38 am
“I’m going to publicly come out and say it takes me forever to start peeing in a crowded men’s room.”
Just use the toilet’s, you’re behind a closed door - no one can see. =)
August 26th, 2005 at 9:39 am
Home-shitter
Something about placing my ass on a toilet seat that has throwned an infinite number and variety of holes freaks me out. As a result, I have to hold it until my colon screams with the pleasure (I think) of a masochist masturbating while hanging themselves from a belt in the closet. I can’t wait to get home…
August 26th, 2005 at 10:30 am
“Automatonophobia: The fear of ventriloquist’s dummies”
August 26th, 2005 at 12:02 pm
“Unsympathetic Hero”
August 26th, 2005 at 1:15 pm
there are some dark, shadow confessions in this comments section.
August 26th, 2005 at 1:32 pm
currently concealing oodles of insecurities
August 26th, 2005 at 2:53 pm
In all honesty, I couldn’t care less about college football.
August 26th, 2005 at 5:17 pm
Mine would be “Built For Abuse”
Interesting thing to note - the folks that go on Dr. Phil’s show have to sign a waiver (according to a friend that was on) that they have never been in the care of a therapist, shrink or anything like that, past or current.
So they have a problem, have never had help for it, and instead go on TV and have PHil cure them in 20 -50 minutes.
August 26th, 2005 at 6:03 pm
“often terrified to the point of paralysis”
August 26th, 2005 at 9:42 pm
It’s a toss-up between “My Best Years Are Behind Me” and “Heart Attack Walking”.
August 26th, 2005 at 10:25 pm
“Afraid”
August 26th, 2005 at 11:10 pm
“Uses Three Brads”
August 26th, 2005 at 11:53 pm
a simple statement on the front of the shirt.
August 26th, 2005 at 11:59 pm
VOTE FOR PEDRO!
LOL!!!!
August 27th, 2005 at 3:25 am
“Character Driven”
Very nice thread, Mr. John August, Sir. While reading it I imagined the audience of a McKee Workshop. “Weak Female Characters”, “Always Miss the Grow or Die Point”, “My Subtext Sucks”.
Very nice. Makes my day.
Melville
August 27th, 2005 at 4:13 am
“I went to http://www.johnaugust.com today and all I got was this lousy paruresis site”
or…
“I survived that Dr. Phil guy”
August 27th, 2005 at 10:48 am
“Will fuck for job”
August 27th, 2005 at 11:44 am
What kind of job?
August 27th, 2005 at 12:38 pm
I forget I’m not invisible.
August 27th, 2005 at 1:18 pm
“No, I’m not hungover. This is how I look.”
August 27th, 2005 at 2:56 pm
“Elitist Shithead”
August 27th, 2005 at 3:03 pm
“Pathetically undisciplined”
Oh, by the way John, I’ve heard it helps you ‘go’ if you image pissing on the faces or heads of the people who you perceive are preventing you from peeing.
August 27th, 2005 at 3:28 pm
I’d have a few, I guess…
Pigeonholed
25 Page a Day Habit
Having World’s Longest Manic Upswing
August 27th, 2005 at 4:48 pm
“Needs a Rewrite�
August 28th, 2005 at 9:38 am
Pushy
August 28th, 2005 at 9:43 am
“Can’t even come up with a bad attribute for himself”
August 28th, 2005 at 12:02 pm
Insecure
August 28th, 2005 at 12:07 pm
“Suffers from CRS — Can’t Remember Shit”
“Poor money manager”
“Old and decrepit”
August 28th, 2005 at 12:20 pm
Oops — forgot the main one:
“Lazy”
August 28th, 2005 at 1:43 pm
sweats like a pig
August 28th, 2005 at 9:53 pm
always itchy.
August 29th, 2005 at 4:52 am
http://www.funfreepages.com/albums/classic/owned_sa.jpg
August 29th, 2005 at 8:38 am
Eurocentric
August 29th, 2005 at 10:03 am
If the shirt is white my initials will do PDB as in Pillsbury Dough Boy. (That’s why I don’t wear white shirts.)
August 29th, 2005 at 12:52 pm
Mine would say “never finishes anyth”. Kind of like “one of these days I’ll get organisised”.
August 29th, 2005 at 1:03 pm
“Plop Shy” for me. I prefer the solitary stall experience.
August 29th, 2005 at 2:16 pm
Clears the table, only to scratch on the 8-ball.
(…so far, to date; although I remain optimistic for the future)
(oh, yes, and what makes you think I can count to 16?)
August 29th, 2005 at 5:58 pm
“Career Thinker” on the front. “Doesn’t Pay Shit” on the back.
August 29th, 2005 at 8:00 pm
Radio Rentals….
August 29th, 2005 at 8:58 pm
What about ‘Agent’. That’s enough to be ashamed of.
August 30th, 2005 at 8:36 am
“Self Promoting Whore”
http://www.iRegift.com
: )
August 31st, 2005 at 12:12 pm
“Will work for mortgage payments.”
(really)
September 1st, 2005 at 9:58 am
“Home Skooled”
September 1st, 2005 at 11:53 am
“51% of luck is simply pure random!”
September 2nd, 2005 at 6:05 am
Always a Semi-Finalist
September 10th, 2005 at 10:26 pm
Stop Staring At My Man Boobs
September 12th, 2005 at 8:14 am
“Third Nipple”
September 12th, 2005 at 2:58 pm
FAKER!
September 19th, 2005 at 12:15 am
VIRGIN!
September 19th, 2005 at 8:33 am
Stretched Too Thin
February 6th, 2006 at 9:21 am
Mine would have to say, “Morbidly optimistic” on a t-shirt three sizes too small.
March 9th, 2006 at 7:59 am
mine would me “Lazy Film Hustler”
May 8th, 2006 at 4:43 pm
I worked for the show, and was there working on it that day. As the audience suffered from heat stroke, etc. I told them all Phil was happy they could be there, and what a great boss he is, so…
“Shilled for Phil”
May 15th, 2006 at 11:30 am
“I hated M:I, M:I:2 and M:I:3″
“Free Katie Holmes”
“I May Be Fat, But At Least I’m Not Dr. Phil”
haha.
July 7th, 2006 at 3:52 pm
“Foot Fetish”
April 18th, 2007 at 5:18 am
im a student in Tunis i hope i can live in America to make my life better please help me.0021622904239 this is ,my number
October 6th, 2007 at 9:36 am
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