The Dead File
While writing about the non-existent Columbia thriller on my resume, I got to thinking about all the other scripts I’ve written that haven’t been produced. I thought it might be alarming comforting for aspiring screenwriters to see how much work never makes it to the screen.
This list is only projects for which I’ve written entire 120-page drafts. Pitches, treatments, rewrites and aborted attempts would be a much longer list.
HERE AND NOW
Unsold. My first script, a romantic tragedy set in Colorado. Under-plotted and over-written, but it got me an agent.
HOW TO EAT FRIED WORMS
Universal/Imagine. My first paid screenwriting assignment, an adaptation of Thomas Rockwell’s book.
A WRINKLE IN TIME
Miramax/Dimension. An adaptation of Madeleine L’Engle’s book. Technically, it was made, as an ABC TV movie. But the draft they used pre-dated mine.
DEVIL’S CANYON
Unsold. Zombie western set in a Colorado mining town, circa 1859.
FENWICK’S SUIT
Fox 2000. Adaptation of David Small’s book about a man’s suit which comes to life.
DEMONOLOGY
Paramount. Two prep school girls have to save Manhattan from the Apocalypse.
FANTASY ISLAND
Columbia. Big-budget tentpole adaptation of the ABC TV show.
THIEF OF ALWAYS
Universal.
Adaptation of Clive Barker’s novel.
SCARED GUYS
Columbia. Page-one rewrite of comedy about phobic brothers.
BARBARELLA
Fox 2000/Warner Bros. Based on the comic book character, not the movie.
FURY
Unsold. Violent action thriller.
This, dear readers, is what sucks about being a screenwriter. Added up, this list represents five or more years of my writing career, but I don’t have a frame of celluloid to show for it.
Not one of these projects is “the best thing I’ve ever written,” I’m happy to report. Still, many of these scripts are near and dear to my heart. Demonology, for example, is the unholy spawn of my two favorite movies, Clueless and Aliens. Others, like Fantasy Island, I’m happy enough to forget. Even though I spent months on various drafts, it never connected for me or the studio.
When asked what kind of movies I prefer to write, I’ll sometimes glibly anwer: “Ones that get made.” I don’t think that’s cynical as much as it is pragmatic. I never think about writing a script. The goal is always to make a movie.
Articles
November 6th, 2004 at 10:31 am
Wasn’t “Scared Guys” supposed to go right into production with Ray Romano and Kevin James? Did Ray’s string of bad movies — “Mooseport” being the first — kill the project?
November 6th, 2004 at 11:29 am
Talk about bringing up old memories! You said two or three months ago that you wrote Charlie’s Angles 2 in just three weeks. You put in hours of work each day. That is a phenomenal writing story I must say.
November 6th, 2004 at 1:45 pm
Hey John, thanks again for the great service this website provides. Question, reading this post makes me think you grew up in Colorado. Is this true? Have you ever considered becoming the John Hughes of Denver and setting all your scripts there?
November 6th, 2004 at 3:50 pm
Jon: Yes, the goal was to get Scared Guys into production during a summer TV hiatus, but it didn’t happen.
Richard: The first draft of CA2 probably took three weeks, but when you add in all the meetings before I started, and all the drafts after, it was a solid 8 months of work, at least.
Dave: Colorado’s great, but some stories are better suited to it than others. Charlie’s Angels just wouldn’t have worked in Arvada.
November 8th, 2004 at 3:20 pm
Ahh yes, but what about Charlie’s Angels in (the People’s Republic of) Boulder? Can you see it now, some Saab-driving, Californian’s stolen Charlie’s secret latte formula. Quick, call the Angels and have them bring their magic soy milk and carob-chip cookies!
Sorry, grew up there, it’s not my fault.
November 8th, 2004 at 3:44 pm
I love me some carob-chip cookies, but soy milk always tasted too oily for me. I think the Boulder Angels set pieces would probably have to take place on the Flatirons (one gets blown off, and slides down the mountain), the Pearl Street Mall (easy), Buff stadium (kinda generic), maybe Williams Village towers (but not in a 9/11 way).
The McGuffin would have to be the Atomic Clock — it’s going to blow!
And just after typing this sentence, I’m remembering that Here and Now (my first script) actually did involve the atomic clock.
November 8th, 2004 at 5:17 pm
Though unproduced scripts might depress you, I’m sure most of us are at the stage where getting money for a screenplay, even if it isn’t produced — which would allow us to quit our full-time jobs and write fulltime — would be a dream. I yearn for the day when the fact that something I sold for a lot of money is rotting away on a shelf would be the saddest thing in my life.
November 10th, 2004 at 12:05 pm
John, you have answered my question. Looking forward to future release of BOULDER ANGELS: CLOCK ATOMIC (alt title, Boulder Angels: When Hippies Attack). Killer soundtrack will include fresh cuts of Leftover Salmon and The Samples. Special guest appearances to include disembodied soul of Allen Ginsberg (as voice of Charles Townsend).
December 20th, 2004 at 3:32 am
Wrinkle in Time is one of my favorite books ever of all time! It totally needs to be made into a movie. I didn’t see the ABC TV movie because, well, it was an ABC TV movie.
May 7th, 2005 at 1:56 pm
Hiya,
I was just wondering what the state of play with Barbarella was? Is the project still dead? Damned shame if it is..
Sorry to hassle you with question dumb questions, but its 10pm on a Saturday night and I’m bored!
Thanks
Lino
May 7th, 2005 at 1:58 pm
.. And next time I’m bored on a Saturday night, I’ll make sure I do a site search before I ask questions you’ve already answered.. Whoops!
May 8th, 2005 at 3:46 am
A Zombie Western? Sounds awesome. I’m surprised this doesn’t get any attention now after the new success of Zombie movies.
May 16th, 2006 at 11:45 pm
Devil’s Canyon sounds awesome. What got in the way of producing this movie? Was nobody interested?