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Scriptnotes, Ep 77: We’d Like to Make an Offer — Transcript

February 22, 2013 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](http://johnaugust.com/2013/wed-like-to-make-an-offer).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** And this is episode 77 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Now, Craig, your voice is back, but your voice was gone for a few days, is that correct?

**Craig:** Yeah. I got a virus, so I wasn’t able to speak very well and I’m still pretty rundown and sluggish. So, if I sound sluggish it’s viral. It’s viral sluggishness.

**John:** So, I hope that a lot of people in your life have come up to you with suggestions for things you should do to get rid of this virus. Hopefully like really kind of impractical or sort of new-age things; I think that would go well with you, right?

**Craig:** Yeah. I’m the perfect person to come up to and recommend Echinacea because it gives me a chance to talk about how Echinacea has been proven to not work. Or things like zinc, which works sort of very minorly and in a tiny, tiny window, or other nonsense, none of which works.

**John:** Maybe a cleanse. Craig, maybe you need a cleanse?

**Craig:** [laughs] Yeah, you know, I feel dirty. I feel dirty. No, no cleanses for me. I’m a big believer in the immune system.

**John:** Ah, that’s a good one, yeah. And bolstering the immune system when the immune system needs to be bolstered, but there’s good ways to do that through vaccinations. But you’re not going to vaccinate against whatever this virus was, because who knows what this virus was.

**Craig:** It’s pretty much your standard rhinitis. Your typical upper respiratory tract infection. Nothing you can do about it accept suffer until it is gone.

**John:** All right. Well, let us not suffer anymore. Let’s get to our topics. Today I thought we’d talk about three things. First off is a new Vanity Fair article about the history of the spec market –the spec script market — which I thought was really good, so let’s talk about that.

Second, I want to talk about how you get ready for a pitch, if you’re going in to pitch something. What are those things you do in those last hours before you go in to pitch something.

And thirdly, I want to talk about your movie, Stolen Identity…

**Craig:** [laughs] Well played, sir.

**John:** Opened at $36.4 million this past weekend. We are recording this on Valentine’s Day, actually. So, Happy Valentine’s Day, Craig.

**Craig:** Happy Valentine’s to you. And if you wouldn’t mind, there’s just a couple of quick follow up things I wanted to mention before we roll into the spec stuff.

**John:** Go for it.

**Craig:** First, I owe a bit of a retraction / apology and then a nice little follow up on our Raiders thing. So, real quick, many podcasts ago I told a story about Kevin Smith at Comic-Con dressing down film critic Jeff Wells. And it turns out that I screwed up. That, in fact, the film critic that he dressed down was not Jeff Wells. It was a guy named Ron Wells. So, sorry Jeff. [laughs] That was my fault completely. And I apologize. Obviously a somewhat understandable mistake, the last name is the same, the first name is one syllable; not understandable in the sense that nobody likes to hear their name being called out and associated with a story that is all about how they screwed up and it’s not them.

So, Jeff Wells, I’m super sorry. Ron Wells, it was you all along.

So, that’s the retraction apology. And now a little follow up on Raiders. I got an email from Larry Kasdan. And here’s what it said. And it was for both of us, but he didn’t have your email, so he sent it just to me and then I forwarded it to you:

“Craig and John. Your podcast about Raiders blew my mind. Fantastic. The best analysis I’ve ever seen by a power of ten. I loved it and I learned a lot. Lawrence Kasdan.”

Now, how about that as a little feather in our cap?

**John:** Well, that’s fantastic. And for folks who really have no idea what we’re talking about, Lawrence Kasdan wrote Raiders of the Lost Ark. And so our podcast talking about it, apparently he listened to which is just weird, and meta, but great. So, hooray.

**Craig:** Pretty great. And, always nice to engage in an hour long discussion of a movie and then have the writer respond back and say, “Hey, you got it right.”

**John:** Aw.

**Craig:** Yeah. So, good for us. We win, again.

**John:** We do. Craig, it is weird to have you doing business on the podcast. It’s so — like you came with a prepared list of things you wanted to talk about. It’s just unusual.

**Craig:** It is unusual because, and I suppose people have picked up on this by now, my entire approach to podcasting is to be as ill-prepared as possible, almost really to be aggressively unprepared.

So, this time I came slightly prepared.

**John:** And you did ask Stuart to remind you about your note there.

**Craig:** Yeah. No one should be under the impression that I was really on the ball here. I was not.

**John:** I’m just saying, like if you were to go in that direction in the future, I would welcome it.

**Craig:** Oh, I see. This is a gentle suggestion that maybe I should actually…

**John:** There’s carrots. There’s sticks. There are many things. I can offer you carrot sticks, but it’s something that in the future as I get busier and busier with Big Fish, if you were to choose to do that, that’s just a thing that could happen.

**Craig:** I love that we’re having this discussion here on the podcast. And, you know what? You’re right. I’ve always been very careful to tell people when they compliment me on the podcast that you do all the work. That is correct. You pick the topics. You edit the show. You really do everything.

So, you’re right. I should step up and do more and maybe even come up with a thought about what we should talk about.

**John:** Every once in a while you do. I will give you credit for that. There have been times where I said, “Hey, we’re going to record a podcast.” You’ll say, “Let’s talk about this.” And we have talked about that.

**Craig:** Right. Those are far and few between. Probably of our 77 podcasts, maybe I’ve done that four times.

**John:** Well, today we’re going to talk about three good topics, and I think we’re going to have some good conversation on them, so let’s get started.

First off, this Vanity Fair article in the March 2013 issue is by Margaret Heidenry, I’m guessing, which I thought did a terrific job explaining sort of the history of spec scripts as a sales thing. I mean, screenwriters have always written scripts by themselves, and just defining terms, a spec script is technically any script that you’re writing just for yourself, that you’re not under contract to write it for somebody; you’re just writing it because you can just write a book. The same way novels are often written on spec.

But, what this article does is sort of track the history of when that began as a process of “I’m going to write this script and sell it to a studio,” which was a new thing, when it became really huge, which is the ’90s, and sort of what’s happened to it since then.

So, I strongly recommend everyone read it. But, I want to talk through some of the points because I thought they were really, really interesting.

The story, if I were to fault it for anything, it got a little bit heavy in the Schmucks with Underwoods references and the Sunset Boulevard of it all.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** But the history stuff of it was really new to me, so I thought that was cool.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And we’ve talked on the podcast before about sort of the danger of this lottery mentality. I think a lot of people approach screenwriting as a career thinking, like, “Oh, I will write a script and I will sell that script and then I’ll have a million dollars. And then people will make my movie and I’ll be set.” And that’s not the way that most screenwriting works, particularly now. But it didn’t work back then that way, either.

So, this article starts back in the days of the studio contract writer system, which I guess we should really talk about because it’s such a different experience than what we have right now.

**Craig:** Yeah, so, in the old days writers were essentially employees of studios. They got buildings to work in called The Writer’s Building. And they were under contract the way that actors used to be under contract. And you would work for a studio. You wouldn’t work on a project; you’d work for a studio and the studio would assign you to projects and off you’d go. And you would earn your weekly salary.

And you would type up what they told you to type up. And, frankly, a lot of wonderful movies came out of that system, but also a lot of junk, too. I mean, let’s not get too rose-colored about the past. Barton Fink does a great job of sort of portraying the worst of the old studio system days where writers were cogs in machines being assigned to Wallace Beery wrestling pictures.

**John:** I was just at a meeting over at The Lot, which is the old Warner Hollywood, and they sent me to the wrong place. But they said, “Oh, you’re going to The Writers Building.” I just love that there’s still a building called The Writers Building.

**Craig:** That’s right. In fact we have Phil Hay, and Matt Manfredi, and Ted Griffin, and Alec Berg, and Dave Mandel all have their offices in that building, which I love.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** But, you know, just as in professional sports, there was the emergence of free agency. At some point in — that studio system collapsed and writers became freelance and able to sell their wares wherever. And they weren’t tied down by these contracts.

And essentially the era of the entrepreneurial screenwriter began. And it began perhaps most in earnest with one script in particular, and that’s Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

**John:** Yeah. So, her article goes through, she thinks the first spec screenplay that would sort of count under our terms is the 1933 Preston Sturges’s script called The Power and the Glory, which sold to Fox for $17,000 back in 1933.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And that’s probably — that feels right. It was unusual for a writer at that time to just have the time and initiative to go off and write something for himself, but he did. And so that was the first thing that sold, and didn’t do very well, but Butch Cassidy has got to be what we think about for the first groundbreaking spec sale.

**Craig:** Yeah. Well, Butch Cassidy managed to do two things at once. It sold for a big huge amount of money and it was a big huge hit.

**John:** Yes. Those are good things.

**Craig:** And Hollywood is as susceptible to confirmation bias as anyone. They say, “Look, we spent a lot of money on a completely original screenplay and we got this big huge hit movie out of it. Maybe we should do this more?” And so began the heyday of the spec seller.

**John:** It wasn’t overnight. And it’s important to understand that William Goldman at that point had already written other scripts. He had had movies produced. But this was a thing he chose to do, just write for himself. He was at a point in his career that he could have gone and just pitched it to somebody, attached some actors, and set it up at a studio in a normal way. But he just decided to go off and write the script by himself and let his agent try to sell it.

And so it was a surprise that it sold for $400,000, which is a little over $2 million now. And that was unique, and wonderful, and great. And it was unusual at that time to come in with, like, “Here’s a fully developed script. We can make them make this movie and attach actors and succeed.”

What — I don’t know sort of the movies that have come directly before and after that, but my perception of Butch Cassidy is that it was so different that it might have been hard to pitch it.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And so that is a good argument even now for when you spec some things rather than pitch some things is if it’s going to be so hard to explain what your vision is for the movie in a pitch, sometimes a spec is a better place to spend your time.

**Craig:** That’s right. And even if people can understand the pitch, and want to buy the pitch, you are no longer able to work in isolation. You don’t get the opportunity to present your screenplay and say, “This is how I want it to be.” You are immediately involved in a collaboration. Sometimes that collaboration is rewarding and sometimes it’s not. Either way, it’s a collaboration.

William Goldman obviously thought to himself, “I would like to write the screenplay without anybody in my ear saying, ‘Don’t do that. Do this instead.'”

**John:** Yes. So, in the article they point to the 1988 Writers Guild strike as being the other major turning point for spec sales.

The 1988 strike was a five month strike, which is a very long time for screenwriters to be not working in their normal capacity. So, during that time a lot of people wrote spec scripts. They wrote scripts because they could. During that strike you could not work for the studios, but you could work for yourself.

And so the wonderful thing about being a writer is you can just write. And so many scripts were written during that time. And as the strike wore down and was resolved, those went onto the market.

It was also a time when the business was expanding. So, you had studios like Disney that were going and trying to make a lot more movies over the course of the year. I remember during the Katzenberg era, wasn’t it like he wanted to make 30 movies a year?

**Craig:** Well, you know, between all of their divisions — Miramax, Touchstone, Hollywood Pictures, and Walt Disney Pictures — one year they released more than a movie a week.

**John:** Yeah. Which is crazy now. We would never do that.

**Craig:** Crazy.

**John:** So, the business was expanding. You had a bunch of writers who had written stuff who could now sell that stuff. It was a really great time to be selling a spec script. And so suddenly you had — “common” makes it sound like everyone was doing it, but it was not unprecedented to sell your script for six figures, in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, or even seven figures.

The first million dollar sale, which is in the article but I also think I remember, that was Ticking Man, which is the Brain Helgeland and Manny Coto script, which still has never been made.

**Craig:** That’s right. That’s right. It was an interesting time because the reason the strike occurred in the first place was also in part the reason that the spec boom occurred. The strike in 1988 was in a weird way a redo of a failed two-week long squib of a strike in 1985.

The studios on their own had unilaterally decided that they were only going to pay one-fifth out on video residuals. And their argument in 1985 when they did this, or ’84 when they first started doing it, was that the video market, this VHS market, was very new and they needed a break on all the residuals because it was a new emerging market. It was a bunch of baloney.

But if you remember at the time, 1982/1983 was really when video was just starting to take off. The Betamax/VHS war had been settled. By the time 1988 rolled around it was quite clear that video was enormous. It was an industry all of a sudden. Renting videos and watching videos and buying videos — this was a huge part of the Hollywood system.

In fact, video was so lucrative for the companies that essentially the name of the game was make as much as possible and get it on video. So, the studios were incentivized by the market place, by the consumer, to create an enormous amount of product. The writers, angry about how they’d been screwed over in the early part of the ’80s decided to go on strike to undo the residuals formula that they detested.

They failed to do so, even after the longest strike the Writers Guild has ever endured. But what happened at the end of that strike was a confluence of the following things. Studios needed to make a lot of movies because video made almost all movies profitable on some absurd level. They were incredibly short on movies to make because nobody had been writing anything for a half a year. And writers had been writing stuff during that time for themselves that they were now willing to sell.

Talk about a seller’s marketplace. So, all of these writers went out with all of these scripts. The studios were desperate to make movies. And people started buying things. And, of course, this being Hollywood, when something sells for $500,000 every agent gets on the phone and says, “Okay, it’s the new deal, $500,000 now for a script like this.” And then it just goes up, and up, and up.

And at some point what ends up happening, like in any marketplace, whether it’s for visual art, art you hang on your wall, or whether it’s for tulips, you start to get into the realm of a bubble.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And that’s kind of what happened.

**John:** And this is the point where we move from history, like all that stuff that happened before we got here, to literally this is what Los Angeles and Hollywood was like when I got out of my car, sort of 1992. The business was expanding. Spec sales were happening. There wasn’t a lot of sort of common popular press about Hollywood, but there was Premiere Magazine. So, Premiere Magazine would write the articles about the big spec sales and like, “Oh, my, I want to be in screenwriting because the spec sales are happening.”

You’d see big articles about Joe Eszterhas selling a script for $3 million.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And, yes, it feeds that bubble. You know, like all bubbles, more people enter and it seems like it’s going to keep growing forever. What I think the article does a nice job is also pointing out a few of the unique factors that were happening right then.

First off, this was still a phone call and paper business, and so if you had a spec script going out you were literally making a bunch of copies, or the agency was making a bunch of copies, sticking them in envelopes, messengering them out to the studios. And agents were on the phone.

And that’s inefficient, but that inefficiency actually probably jacked up prices because no one had perfect information. You didn’t really know who was bidding on things. And so if the agent said, “I’ve got an offer,” it was very hard to check to see whether that was true or that wasn’t true. Even things like tracking boards were very new. There wasn’t a lot of ways to share information. So, you had to sort of take it on faith that, “This thing that I’m kind of into, that I would like to buy, well, I need to hurry and buy it right now because otherwise it’s going to become unavailable.”

**Craig:** Yeah. It’s a very simple human phenomenon: We want what other people want. Not always, but often. And I think for a lot of that period when you were an agent you would simply just lie and say, “I’ve got two studios. I’m not going to tell you who, but they’ve already put bids in, so you’re stupid if you’re not putting a bid in. And also, your boss is going to beat you over the head with this when it’s a hit at this other studio.”

I’m not a studio executive, but I hear something like that and I start to get sweaty because, what if it’s true? And, of course, nobody knows anything. And it might be right; that might be right. If two other people want it, maybe I should want it, too.

It was much easier to create hype back in the day. And it didn’t hurt that some of the big notable spec sales continued to work out. Lethal Weapon is a great example.

**John:** Absolutely. So, Lethal Weapon was a very big sale at its time, but that became a huge franchise. And so you look, and that was money very, very well spent.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And you had, in the article they cite Alan Gasmer who one year sold like 30 spec scripts, which was remarkable.

But friends of mine were in that pool of those spec scripts. I was in my first year of Stark at USC and this was the very early days of cell phones, so not very many people had cell phones at that point.

My friend Jen, we were at a night class, and my friend Jen, her cell phone rang, she ran out into the hallway, and it was sort of a big deal to run out of a classroom and to take a phone call. But she came back in and she said, “Al and Miles just sold their script for a million dollars.” And so, Al Gough and Miles Millar.

**Craig:** Wow.

**John:** And it was very, very exciting. And we applauded for them and she hung up the phone and we got back to…poor Mitchell Block who was teaching a class about how to get money from public television to do small documentaries.

**Craig:** [laughs] What a hard class to keep teaching after that news.

**John:** Exactly. But, I mean, that fever does continue. And I think “bubble” is a really nice way to describe it, because I remember the housing bubble that happened in Los Angeles where suddenly you would go to an open house on a Tuesday and there’d be five offers by the end of the day. And you’re putting in backup offers. That was really, really common at one point. And now it’s gone away. And the same thing happened with specs.

**Craig:** Yeah. This is general human nature but it’s exacerbated by this business which is such a chasey business. Everybody is always chasing things, you know. And so they get so excited whenever there’s this — nobody wants to feel like they’ve been left out of a party in Los Angeles. This is their biggest fear. Whereas my fear is having to actually go to a party.

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** So, when the spec market was booming, it sort of fed in on itself. But with all things like this, eventually there is a correction as they say in the Wall Street Journal.

**John:** And that correction came partly because of overspending, but also because of other factors, just a change in times.

First off, most of the studios became bought by much bigger corporations. And so those corporations sometimes had deep pockets, but they were also very risk-adverse. They also had reasons to be using the material that they already owned, intellectual property that they already owned, or to gather up intellectual property that they could use and exploit.

So, it became much more reasonable for Disney to try to base things off of theme park rides, or for Fox to sort of look at what their publishing arm had and try to base off the books that they had. They wanted synergies. And that whole word synergy came about because these corporations were getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger, and looking for reasons to sort of justify why they were all under one big umbrella.

Second off, we talked about how paper and phone calls sort of helped inflate things, because information was hard to come by. But with PDFs they were just attached to an email, so they could zip out and everyone could have it at once. It was much easier to sort of leak things to other people just through email. And emails were just faster and quicker. And we didn’t have to wait on somebody calling back.

Like one of the most powerful plays an agent can have sometimes is just not calling somebody back and driving that paranoia. Email doesn’t do the same thing really.

**Craig:** No, it doesn’t. And then you also had the rise of the tracking boards online, which essentially eliminated the chicanery that would go on where you could essentially pump and dump a spec. People started talking to each other. Simple as that. The business had… — You know, it’s funny. It’s all sort of probably an antitrust violation, but one of the things that goes on at studios is they get very angry at any studio that breaks ranks and overspends on something.

When Jim Carrey got $20 million for Cable Guy, every other studio went bananas at — I think it was Sony that paid the $20 million — went bananas at them for basically resetting the pay scale for every A-list actor. They hadn’t just cost themselves $20 million. They’d cost everybody $20 million. And they do this with screenplays as well.

When you work in Hollywood, you have a quote. That’s what you get paid. And the way that business affairs departments work is, okay, if you got paid this and then your movie got made, then you get a little extra. And if your movie was a hit you get a little extra after that. They have all these little formulas. If anyone dares violate the formula and overpay somebody, everybody else goes bananas.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And so I think there is a natural tendency once the tools are in place for the studios to start talking to each other and saying, “Let’s not get suckered anymore, not by the writers, by the agencies.” The agency became the enemy here. CAA and William Morris and ICM and UTA and Endeavor were and continue to do everything they can to get as much money out of the studios as possible. And the studios, frankly, have gotten much better about talking to each other to prevent that.

**John:** Yeah. We talked about how the rise in spec sale prices came because of supply and demand. Essentially the studios had demand and then they would buy scripts because they had to fill a pipe. Those pipes became much smaller. They didn’t need as many scripts. And so as demand fell so did the prices for these things.

You know, first off, they’re just making fewer movies. Like that idea of, “Oh, we’re going to make a movie every weekend,” that went away because home video became less lucrative, less important. Movies themselves became more expensive, so we’re going to step up to the plate fewer times and bat at fewer things.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** Plus, as these corporations grew, there were fewer buyers. There were fewer buyers because Warner Brothers takes over New Line, so you can’t — Warner doesn’t want to bid against New Line on a property.

**Craig:** They can’t.

**John:** As more labels get folded under each other they start having to negotiate who gets to buy something. So, if Fox 2000 doesn’t want to bid against Fox on a property, even if they might both want it, only one person is going to bid, so you can’t play them against each other.

**Craig:** That’s right. And there was this whole world of mini majors that existed with the Carolco and Orion and MGM and UA. And all these people just started disappearing and boiling down to five major buyers who were very corporate, who realized that marketing expenditures now were so enormous that it almost seemed that that department was the one to satisfy more than any other department. Specs were considered an inordinate risk.

The success of Batman in the late ’80s, I think, woke the whole town up to the notion of franchises that they were already sitting on that they should just exploit.

**John:** Yeah. Mm-hmm.

**Craig:** And then as things were sort of struggling and petering, the writers decided to go on strike again.

**John:** Yeah. That probably didn’t help. It was a rough time to do that. I think we should fast-forward to today because we talked I think two or three weeks ago about that spec sale report which showed sort of how many total spec scripts sold over the course of this last year, which I thought was really fascinating. And the numbers have trended up over the last three years. And there are more spec sales selling now than before.

They’re not nearly at the stratospheric prices that they used to be, but there are some that do sell. And often they’re selling for smaller figures to smaller places/labels that you may not necessarily have heard of. They’re happening in genres that are less expensive. So, it’s the horror and thriller ones are the ones that are selling. It’s not the giant action tent-poles.

It’s not Lethal Weapons that are selling. It’s smaller movies that they can make for a price that are selling specs, but they are still selling. They are still selling.

**Craig:** In general, yeah. I mean, there are some exceptions. All You Need Is Kill is a big huge action-adventure that sold for a lot. But, yeah, it does seem like a lot of the smaller genre movies are what they’re picking up.

**John:** Yeah. So, I want to sort of wrap this up by saying our sort of standard disclaimers that it’s interesting to think about and talk about spec sales because that’s often what people think about when they think about the life of a screenwriter is like, “Oh, you’re going off and writing a script and someone will buy the script and make that into a movie.” But that’s not the bread and butter of what most actual writers do.

And it’s not really necessarily the reason to write a spec script. Most spec scripts will never sell, but those good spec scripts will get those writers future work and future employment. Most of the things that are on the Black List won’t sell, and they won’t get made. But those good scripts on there will get those writers meetings and give those writers projects down the road to write and keep food on the table.

**Craig:** Precisely.

**John:** Cool. So, one of the things that a writer is going to be doing if he’s not selling a script is going out to pitch a project, and so I thought that would be our second topic today, because yesterday I had to pitch two different movies in the same day…

**Craig:** Eke.

**John:** …which was exhausting. Have you had to do that?

**Craig:** No! That sounds crazy. Why?

**John:** it’s just the way my schedule worked out. Because I’m heading off to New York to start some Big Fish stuff, so it was the only day where I could go in and meet on these two different projects. And it was tough. One of them was a phone pitch and one of them was in person.

But I want to talk a little bit about getting ready for a pitch, not the days of prep going up to it, but just like literally the couple hours ahead of time. Because one of the projects was the very first time I’d ever really pitched it, and so it was all sort of new and fresh, and it could be a little bit less formed because it was one of those pitches, like, is there even an idea here that we feel like could make a movie? It was a property that they owned the underlying rights and they weren’t sure if they wanted to make something out of it, but I thought there was something cool to make out of it.

The other one was based on a book, and so they’d already read the book, and I’d already pitched it other places so I definitely knew what the pitch was. But that was a pitch that I hadn’t done for four weeks. And so I had to refresh myself on it.

**Craig:** Got it.

**John:** So, I thought we’d talk about that.

What was the last thing you had to pitch, Craig?

**Craig:** Well, you mean to pitch to say get a job as opposed to pitching an original thing?

**John:** Either. And we can talk about what the difference is there.

**Craig:** Probably, well, it’s been a long time frankly. I mean, I was with a director the other day talking about rewriting a project that he’s attached to. So, I was sharing my thoughts and my opinions about how it should go, but that wasn’t really a formal pitch.

**John:** No. You’re sort of describing a take but it’s not “buy this.”

**Craig:** I think if I collect enough information together to sort of say, “Okay, yeah, I do want to do this, and here’s the story,” and he agrees, then I’ll go and pitch it probably to the studio. But it’s been awhile.

**John:** Yeah. I find every couple months I have to sort of dust off my sort of pitching brain and go in and do that. And I genuinely enjoy it. A few things that I found really helpful, and so I’ll talk first about this one project that I’d already pitched before, so I sort of had it worked out, but I had to sort of refresh myself on it.

If I’ve written something down, a lot of times I will write up sort of the pitch. And I’ll write it up sort of the way I would normally speak it. And that’s a document I will carry with me, but I’ll never really look at. So, for Chosen, I had to pitch the Chosen pilot to Josh, and then I had to pitch it to Fox, or 20th, and then 20th again, and then I had to pitch it to NBC and ABC. And so I had to pitch that thing a lot.

And, in that case I would only have a couple days off, but what I found to be really, really helpful is because I had this written document, in the couple hours before I would have a meeting I would go through and I would rewrite the document. And I found that actually just going through and rewriting and sort of putting it in my — the way I was thinking about it today, really helped it fit — it helped it come out of my mouth better when I was speaking it to a group because I had just written it, and so it felt real and it felt sort of alive in my head. I could sort of see it all again.

Just reading it didn’t do enough. Sometimes reading is sort of passive. Writing forced me to really engage with what the story was and what the points were. I could remember sort of like how I was getting from A, to B, to C, to D.

**Craig:** Right. Exactly. Yeah, you want to be able to inspire confidence. And part of what inspires confidence is sounding like you’re in control of your own story. Sounding like you’re in control of your story doesn’t mean you are; it just means you sound that way.

But it’s important to sound that way because the worst thing is to be in control of your story and sound like you’re not. Then you’re pitching yourself out of a gig that you deserve.

**John:** For this other property I pitched yesterday, I didn’t have a written pitch, but I had slides. So, I’d done slides and keynote on the iPad. And so because there were some very distinct visual images I needed to be able to show, I just brought in a little keynote presentation I did with it.

And it had been a couple weeks since I looked through it, so I went through and I sort of did the quick version of it just to myself going through the slides, and that helped me sort of put it all back together. Basically you’re just trying to recreate the best performance you have of what it is you’re doing.

And think of it like an audition. And I do definitely treat it like an audition. Even in that drive over as I’m headed there, I won’t listen to the radio. I won’t listen to a podcast. I will just speak the pitch. And I will start the pitch. And get the pitch rolling. If I can’t get my mouth to move right I will do those little vocal exercises I learned in college to, you know, just be able to speak, and speak clearly and intelligently.

I definitely find that the beginning of the pitch is crucial. And if the first few minutes are awkward you will never recover. You’re never going to get them back. So, you have to really think about, like, how are you going to introduce this property? How are you going to introduce this project? You can talk about: If there’s an anecdote, that’s great; if it’s something about the people who are in the room, that’s fantastic. With this book I could talk about…the producer had called me, we traded voice mails, and finally I just bought the book on my Kindle and I read it overnight and loved it.

And that’s not important in a weird way, but it just gets the ball rolling. It gets stuff started.

**Craig:** Well, it is important though because it shows that you care. I mean, we’ve talked about this before. It’s a weird thing to pitch something because you’re a salesperson. And when sales people come up to me, I’m annoyed and skeptical frankly, as I should be. Because we all know enough about sales — we’ve all seen Glengarry Glen Ross to know that there’s a lot of flimflam often involved.

But, if you care, and you are passionate about the material, then it’s not flimflam. Frankly, you are doing them a favor. You are giving them a chance to buy something that should be bought, because you’re going to do a really good job. And if you convey that and you get that across, it’s a very important thing. But it has to be true.

**John:** It has to be true. I mean, I think it’s a good idea to acknowledge someone else on your side, on your team who’s in the room with you. Just because if you’re going to be doing most of the talking, at least you’re sort of giving them a nod to say, like, this is an important person who’s here and there’s a reason why this person is in the room.

Then you’re going to talk about the things, you know, this is sort of Pitching 101, but you’re going to talk about what the story feels like. Sort of what the world of the story is and what kind of movie it is. You’re going to talk about the most important characters. If it’s based on an underlying property, you’re going to talk about what’s fantastic about the property, but also be honest about these are the challenges with this and this is where I think we can go in a better direction.

Because, they would hopefully have some exposure to what the underlying thing is. And they probably have some genuine concerns. So, if you head them off and sort of state their concerns, like you’re going to be worried about these three things, then they feel, “Oh, not only am I smart, but this writer is smart and understands what it is that I need to hear from him to get me past my basic objections.”

So, if you can start that way and then get into your actual, “This is how we open,” you’re going to be in a much better place.

**Craig:** Yeah. And the “This is how we open” is important because, you know, you pointed out it’s sometimes hard to begin a pitch. It’s such a formal, strange thing to do. And we’ve all seen parodies of it in movies about Hollywood. It seems so ridiculous.

You know, in The Player it’s, “Night. Chinese Lanterns.” It’s always so absurd sounding and kind of gross. But, what saves you is your first scene. Because the first scene of a movie is a similar difficult transition. People are in their seats, and they’re eating popcorn. It’s quiet. There’s a company logo. And then something happens. And that something is designed to be a wakeup and an introduction, whether it’s gentle or abrupt. That’s why it’s there. So, use that.

If you’re not pitching your first scene the way people would experience it in the theater, I think you’re pitching it wrong. You may spend three or four minutes pitching that first scene, and then eight minutes pitching the rest of the movie. That’s okay. But there’s an excitement about a first scene, a well-crafted introduction to a world, and a character, and a problem, and a situation that gets everybody in the front of their seat and makes them think, “Okay, that’s a sample of how this person is going to be in control of this story, hopefully.”

**John:** In my experience I’ve found that the degree to which it’s not quite clear when you started pitching is often very helpful. And so a lot of times you can start by talking about the character. And obviously you’re talking about your main character, and you can just sort of describe him. And we meet him and this is what’s happening. And because you’re often meeting your hero in the opening scene, that’s a nice way to transition into it. So, like you’ve gotten into it without the sudden like stop, and then like “Tracking through the Los Angeles hill sides.”

It makes it feel like you are starting your story with your hero if that is the right way to start your movie.

**Craig:** Right. Exactly.

**John:** Cool. So, that’s pitching.

And now I want to get to the third topic which is what I’m sort of most excited to talk about which is your movie, Stolen Identity, which opened so huge…

**Craig:** I think that’s great. [laughs] We should have called it that.

**John:** [laughs] Which opened so terrifically over this last weekend. And I got to see it at the ArcLight and loved it. I saw like a 5:30 show. It was pretty full.

And it’s always weird when you go to see a friend’s movie, in this case two friends’ movies, because I wanted it to be good for you, and I really wanted it to be good for Melissa. And Jason Bateman I know, but he’s fine. Whatever, Jason Bateman. But I wanted it to be good for both of you, and it was really good for both of you. I was very, very excited to see it.

**Craig:** Thank you. I had a weird week.

**John:** Yeah. I know you did. So, tell us about that.

**Craig:** Well, I will. So, we’ll start with the good news. The good news is the movie is a big success. And the audience that we set out to make the movie for showed up in droves. We’ve gotten great word of mouth. It had a terrific opening weekend, far beyond our expectations. Frankly, if it hadn’t been for the snow storm we could have made upward — nearly $40 million. So, it’s a lot of people buying tickets; a ton of people buying tickets for the movie.

And we’re still doing well. I mean, even on Tuesday, a Tuesday in February we made almost $3 million. So, that’s great. That is incredibly gratifying and it confirms what I suspected, because I watched the movie with test audiences long before the movie ever came out. So, I got to see audiences enjoy the movie and laugh all the way through and have a great time. Not everybody, but most of them.

And that’s why probably if you look back a couple of podcasts ago when we talk about Stolen Identity, or Identiweenie, as I like to call it.

**John:** I was also going with Identi-Thiefy.

**Craig:** Identi-Thiefy. When I was talking about Identi-Thiefy I was like, “Oh, and you know, I think the critics will like it.” Oh Craig. Oh stupid, stupid Craig.

So, my love affair with critics continues. Not big fans of mine. And this is the bad part of the week. And I want to talk about this in a way that perhaps people aren’t anticipating. Here’s what I don’t want to do: I am not going to discuss why the critics didn’t like it. Why so many of them seemed very, very angry about it. I’m not going to talk about Rex Reed. I’m not going to talk about the state of film criticism or try and explain any of it. I’m not going to do any of that. Not interested.

The critics will continue to do what they do. And I will continue to do what I do. And there’s nothing that either party is going to say to each other that’s going to change anything. So it goes. So it goes.

What I want to talk about is how terrible it all made me feel. And I want to talk about it because this is a podcast for screenwriters. And some of you out there are trying to be screenwriters and in success will have a movie in theaters. Some of you already are and have had movies in theaters. All of us who have movies in theaters, me more often than some, [laughs] but all of us will come face to face with bad reviews at some point or another. Or at all points.

And I am going to be very, very frank with all of you. It feels terrible. It was awful. I hated it because I think in part I love the movie, and I was proud of what I had done. I had watched it with people and I saw how Melissa and Jason had made people laugh, but also moved them to tears. And it was so great to watch. And then here come these reviews that basically say everybody stinks, especially this Mazin guy, how atrocious, how stupid, and illiterate, and so forth.

And for about three or four days I was kind of paralyzed in emotional anguish and misery. And I felt very, very stupid and very, very sad for myself. And rejected. And frankly just in pain. It really hurt. It hurt my feelings. Sometimes these phrases from childhood express our emotional states the best: My feelings were hurt.

And I wish that I could say to anybody out there that there’s a strategy to avoid this. There isn’t. In fact, I think this is what needs to happen: It is a sign that you care. Do not bargain this pain away. It may sound foolish, but the reason you’re in pain is because you care. The reason you’re in pain is because they’ve attacked you and your expression. And they’ve discounted it, and debased it, and frankly just made fun of it which is very much what goes on now in film criticism. There’s a mocking quality, all of it. You feel like a kid in the school yard who’s just been beaten up.

And good. That power that they have over us to some extent is real and will always be there. If you begin to close yourself off to being hurt, I fear that you begin to close yourself off from caring about what you’re doing. So, a good sign, I think, that I was in such terrible pain. But that’s not really to paint it with any kind of a brush. It stank. I’m just now kind of coming out of it.

I can’t even say that the big weekend sort of cured me of anything, because the truth is if you read terrible things about yourself and then lots of people go to see the movie and they send you all of these wonderful cards and things — cards? Sorry, what am I, in 1970? — emails and Facebook posts and so forth, we have a natural tendency to discount the positive and over-emphasize the negative because the negative feels more honest somehow or more real. That is an illusion.

I think that there is just as much dishonesty in negativity as there is in positivity. So, when it happens to you, or if it has happened to you, all I can say is, “Yup, that stinks.” And there is nothing we can do about it except to endure it, and then when it’s done let it go and then get back to work.

And I’ll tell you for me the tough part is I know it will happen again, and again, and again, because I think what I like and what I do, they don’t like. [laughs] And never will. And so this will happen again to me, and again and again. And I just have to find solace in the fact that the audiences do seem to like it. And they are who I make the movies for, for sure.

And so this pain goes along. There’s this phrase that Nietzsche popularized. I’m a big fan of Nietzsche, John. Have you ever read any Nietzsche?

**John:** [laughs] I’ve read some Nietzsche. It’s a little sad that you’re bring this up in the podcast, but yes I have.

**Craig:** Oh, why is it sad? [laughs]

**John:** It’s such a paragon of bleak times for me, yes.

**Craig:** Oh, it is? You mean when you read Nietzsche?

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Oh, I’m sorry. Well, we’ll work you through your therapy after. But Nietzsche is my favorite of all philosophers, if you can even call him a philosopher. I think he’s sort of something more than that. But he spoke often of this concept of Amor Fati, which is the Latin phrase that means essentially “love your fate.”

And this is my fate. [laughs] I get it. I am not to be feted at fancy dinners. I will not get awards. I will not get Red Ripe Tomatoes. I will for many, many people always be looked at as a goof and a bad writer. But, I don’t believe I am one. And so I just have to accept it. That’s the way it is and that’s the way it’s going to continue to be. And so it goes. Amor Fati.

And here’s what he wrote. I just want to read one little thing that he wrote because this is sort of how I feel about it all. Nietzsche wrote, “I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: some day I wish to be only a Yes-sayer.” And I love that.

And so I’m going to really try next time to — I’m going to try looking away. That shall be my only negation. So, next movie I have out, please remind me to look away.

**John:** Can I challenge some of your theses here?

**Craig:** Yes, of course.

**John:** Great. So, I’ll start with this last one, which I won’t challenge, but I will actually encourage. And Frankenweenie was the first movie that I did not read reviews. And the reviews were pretty good. So, it was kind of easy to not read the reviews because I’d say they were going to be good reviews, so that’s fantastic, and most people seemed to really like the movie. But I didn’t read them.

And because I didn’t read them I didn’t become obsessed with them. Because my experience has been even in times — exactly your point, that you will read ten glowing reviews and one negative review, and you will focus on the negative review. So, I decided, you know what, I’m not going to read any of them this time. On Frankenweenie I read none of them. And I would encourage that.

Second point. I would remind you of an earlier conversation we had where we discussed film criticism versus film reviewing.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And so film criticism is the actual study of film and what film is doing and what it means, what the trends in film are. Film reviewing is, “This is what opened at the movies this week.” And film reviewers are the people who had it out for you with long knives this last time.

**Craig:** Yes.

**John:** My third point is that I feel like some of the reasons why they had their long knives out for you is because you are the guy who wrote Hangover 2. And that if this exact same movie, if exactly the same print was shown on the screen, but that opening card had read Kristen some-last-name, and it was her first script sale, they would not have been anywhere nearly as harsh.

It’s because you were the guy who wrote the Hangover that I felt like, well…

**Craig:** Well, the Hangover and Scary Movie whatever.

**John:** Oh, yeah, and Scary Movie, yes, yes.

**Craig:** That is true, contextually I think there is — and it’s human, you know, but here I am, I’m trying to explain it away. I don’t want to do that. I’m willing to stipulate that they genuinely hated it.

**John:** Yes. And so I would stipulate that there were people who genuinely did not like the movie, but I would also argue that any reasons for singling you out for it in many cases was because you are that guy.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** My next point, and I would offer as a counter example: Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck was a joke. Ben Affleck was a punch line. And Ben Affleck is now considered the best director. So, for you to say that this is your fate, and that you will always be perceived as this person, that’s absurd. And the fact that Ben Affleck…

**Craig:** Well, I know what you mean…

**John:** That like Ben Affleck can go from being the punch line and the guy who was dating J-Lo to acknowledged as a really good writer-director, I think, should be some evidence that you can arc.

**Craig:** Yes. You’re right. And really all I’m saying — I’m not saying that I am incapable of writing something that maybe one day critics will like, although that’s not certainly my goal. I guess what I’m saying is I have to be okay with the fact that it might not ever happen. That essentially I have to stop caring about it at all because the truth is it’s immaterial to what I do. It’s immaterial to what we all do, I think.

I don’t know any writer that thinks that writing towards critics is a good idea.

**John:** I would agree. I think we talked about as part of my New Year’s resolution is not counting chickens before they hatch. This is not counting your emotional chickens before they hatch. And it’s trying to divorce yourself from the expectation of like “I will be a better person if a lot of people like this thing I just made.” And that’s not the reality and that doesn’t last.

**Craig:** Yeah. Yeah. So, not counting the emotional chickens, precisely. And, you know, in a very real way I want to thank you. I’m so glad that you liked the movie, because I know that you are a very, very honest person. And that means, frankly, more to me than buckets of bloggers and their pun-based reviews. So, thank you.

And I’ve heard some great things from a lot of people actually. I feel bad in a sense, I feel goofy, and that’s why I needed to do this, frankly. I needed to be a little mawkish. But I also wanted to be honest because, look, in the end, what the hell else are we doing this for but to help each other? Not you and me helping each other, but to help our little community of people. And this is something that happens and it wrecks people, you know? It does. It really messes them up and it makes them sad. And I don’t like that. I don’t want any writer to be out there feeling as bad as I felt last week. It sucks.

And when I talk to writers, suddenly they have their stories and you start to realize, god, this isn’t cool. This isn’t healthy. We shouldn’t get quite so dark about it. But yet by the same token it’s kind of a sign that we care.

The only thing I can say about reviews that I know is wrong is when they say, “It was cynical” or “It was lazy.” No. If it were cynical or lazy, believe me, I would not have shed a single tear about the reviews.

**John:** Yeah. Now, Craig, I enjoyed so many things about it. And I don’t want to sort of spoil it for people who haven’t seen it by focusing on any one, although having directed a movie and having directed several things with Melissa, it’s so fascinating when you recognize an actor’s face so well that you recognize like, “Oh, that’s what Melissa looks like when she cries.” And so when she cries in the movie — not a huge spoiler, there’s some actual genuine tears in there — it was fantastic. And it was just so exciting to see like, “Oh, that’s Melissa. That’s what it looks like when she cries.”

But I also can’t watch a movie without some sort of producer brain kicking in, or someone who has been through the experience of making movies. And so I have one question for you which if you’ll indulge me.

**Craig:** Yes.

**John:** Which is a game I like to play called Guess the Reshoot.

**Craig:** [laughs] Go.

**John:** So, I’m guessing that when they go from St. Louis back to Denver there’s a car shot which was a reshoot which was done significantly after the fact. Because they shot the car, it’s daylight.

**Craig:** You mean that little car ride back to Denver?

**John:** Yes. It’s the one where she’s sleeping with her eyes open.

**Craig:** No. Not a reshoot.

**John:** That’s crazy. Because it looks like he’s in a wig. It just looks like it was shot seven months later.

**Craig:** You know what? I think something kooky happened with the green screen at some point. You know, these days… — Well, first of all, the movie did not have a large budget. I think it was maybe $33 million or something like that. Pretty tight schedule because Melissa has her show, Mike & Molly, and then literally the day after we wrapped on Identity Thief she flew to Boston to shoot The Heat which is coming out this summer, which also looks really, really good.

So, there was a tight schedule. And sometimes you’ll still shoot characters driving in cars in actual cars on little trailers which you pull around, but largely now they’ll kind of cheat and they’ll do a green screen thing. And then put plates in and so it looks like they’re driving but they’re not. And something seemed to go a little kablooey on a few of those. [laughs] I don’t know what else to say.

**John:** Sorry, it was a bad plate shot rather than a reshoot. It’s weird; I noticed first that his hair just looked bizarre in it, so I assumed he was wigged because his hair had changed for some other role. And I’ve been through that so many times, on Charlie’s Angels and on The Nines.

**Craig:** There was, I think, only two or three days of additional photography. And that wasn’t where it was. But it was elsewhere.

**John:** Okay. Then I have to single out, first off, Amanda Peet who is just a national treasure, and she’s so good in your movie playing, you know, what seems like a — it’s basically a reactive role. She’s sympathetic but she’s strong enough to say, “Well, this is not a good idea.” And yet she actually can bend to the fact that the plans change.

The scene with Melissa and Amanda at the kitchen is so good. [laughs] It’s so specific.

**Craig:** Yeah. And I have to give Amanda credit because when she came onboard, the idea of that scene was her suggestion. And I loved it. And so then I went and wrote it and then, you know, shot it. And Melissa, definitely the Bermuda Triangle is Melissa’s invention inside of that scene. But, yeah, big fan. Big fan of Amanda.

And, obviously, look, Melissa McCarthy is spectacular. And I love Jason, too. I think they’re both great. And it was — not to drag it back to mawkishness, but I was so angry about some of the stuff that was said about her. It just…ugh. I got very, very angry.

**John:** I got angry to hear the reports about it. But, again, I deliberately didn’t read it because I knew, “Don’t read things that you know are going to just piss you off.”

**Craig:** Yeah. Well, you’re smart.

**John:** Craig, over the course of this podcast have you come up with a One Cool Thing that you want to talk about?

**Craig:** I’ll bet I can figure one out by the time you finish your One Cool Thing.

**John:** Great. My One Cool Thing is something called Dungeon World, which sounds like it’s a fetish magazine, but it’s actually a role-playing game. It’s a new take on something that’s like Dungeons & Dragons. And it’s incredibly simplified and stripped down.

And so I had tweeted a few weeks ago about TSR which is now part of Wizards of the Coast, they had released all of their old modules as PDFs. And so I’ll have a link to that in the show notes. But this thing, Dungeon World, another reader had sent me the link to it. And it’s very, very cool. It’s a cool idea.

So, it takes all the sort of, the stuff of D&D and boils it down to a really, really simple system that doesn’t have turns or initiative. It’s all just talking. And it’s a very clever idea.

It’s a Kickstarter project that got funded, so it’s in this weird in between state where it’s sort of open source and sort of a physical product you can buy, but I’ll have a link to it. And if you’re at all curious about sort of what a reboot of Dungeons & Dragons would look like. It’s worth your time to check it out.

**Craig:** Well, while you were talking I did actually think of a possible Cool Thing. And, you know, I love Possible Cool Things. You do things that actually are currently cool, and I do things that might be cool if they ever happen. And you know I love science and I love medicine.

**John:** Please.

**Craig:** So, the Holy Grail — what do you think, John, if you ran a pharmaceutical company, what to you would be the Holy Grail medicine, to find, to discover, and bring to market?

**John:** A cure for cancer.

**Craig:** Exactly. And you would be right if companies were interested in saving lives, but they’re not. Remember, you are the CEO of a corporation with shareholders and they want money. Now, reevaluate your answer. What would be, you, money bags, what would be the drug you’d want to bring to market?

**John:** A sexual aid?

**Craig:** No. Although sexual aids definitely have sold well. If I were in charge of a pharmaceutical company and I did not care about saving lives, I only cared about my bottom line, I would want to bring an anti-obesity drug to market.

**John:** Oh yeah. I’m an idiot, of course, that’s exactly right.

**Craig:** Boom. Yeah, I mean, you would just make a killing, right?

**John:** And at times they have had anti-obesity drugs, but they’ve always done terrible things to you and they get pulled from the market.

**Craig:** That’s the thing. Here are the problems with anti-obesity drugs to date: A, they don’t work; or, B, they work but they’re addictive because they’re basically speed and they mess up your brain and your metabolism; or, C, they have terrible life impinging side effects like damage to your valves, the cardiac valves. All sorts of problems.

And it makes sense because if you try and pull on strings and gears inside the metabolism to move it one way, it seems like you’re affecting the body in a huge important way. It’s going to, perhaps throw other things out of stasis, and then you have a huge problem.

So, they keep trying and they keep trying. There is some glimmer of hope all of a sudden. You know how Viagra came to be discovered as a sexual aid?

**John:** It was as a side effect on another drug they were testing, right? It was a heart medicine I thought.

**Craig:** Yes, it was a heart medicine. I believe you’re exactly right. Same thing for what’s the Minoxidil…

**John:** Yeah, Propecia.

**Craig:** Yeah, the stuff that grows your hair. That also, I think, was for some sort of heart condition and they went, oh look, people are suddenly hairy.

**John:** I’m correcting myself already. So, Propecia is a different thing than Minoxidil, but Minoxidil, you’re right, was a heart thing.

**Craig:** Yeah, it was a heart thing. So, they call these off-label applications. You have a drug that does one thing, it’s intended to do one thing, it’s FDA-rated to do one thing, but then, “Oh off-label it also does this other thing. Maybe we should use it for that.”

Of all things, there is a drug that is used to treat canker sores. And what researchers have found is that this drug happens to be extraordinarily good at turning obese mice into normal weight mice. And apparently does so safely. That this drug is one of those drugs that’s been around forever. There’s a ton of research to back up its general safety to people. It doesn’t seem to do anything wrong. It just, at least in fat mice, makes them skinny.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** So, soon they’ll be starting clinical trials on people. Now, at that point we’ll read about how their hands are falling off, or their hearts are exploding, but still, considering the enormous health implications out there for being extremely overweight or dangerously overweight, the idea that there might be a medicine for something like this, particularly for people who are just biologically inclined to gain weight like myself, it’s encouraging.

**John:** I agree.

**Craig:** Because, let’s face it, the whole eat less and exercise thing for 99 percent of people doesn’t seem to work.

**John:** It’s a very challenging chore.

**Craig:** So One Almost Cool Thing.

**John:** That’s a very cool thing. And if I were to be writing a spec TV pilot, for example, I would think of House of Cards but in the pharmaceutical industry and you have that drug. So, writers, go off and do that.

**Craig:** Come on guys. Go off and just kick us back 1 percent.

**John:** We’d like it.

Craig, thank you so much for a fun podcast. This is our last one that we will be recording in the Los Angeles region. I will be in New York and then Chicago doing Big Fish stuff, so I’ll have a different microphone so I’ll sound different, but it will still be fun.

**Craig:** Well, you know what? You’ll always be you.

**John:** I’ll always be me. I’ll always be me no matter what time zone I’m in.

**Craig:** Yes.

**John:** So, standard reminders: If you enjoyed the podcast, please subscribe to us in iTunes because that’s how we can actually know that you’re listening to it. While you’re there you could leave us a nice review, because we like those, and we actually do read those. And they’re lovely and they’re a great counter to the negative reviews of movies we’ve made.

**Craig:** Yeah, yeah. It would be nice to read a couple of good reviews for once. [laughs] Sure, why not? I’ve admitted I’m human.

**John:** Those are reviews we actually will read. People have continued to fill out the screenwriting survey, but I think we’re kind of done. So, thank you so much for all the people who contributed to that, we’re going to take that link down because we have like thousands of responses, which is great, and we’ve learned a lot about who our readers are and what we want to do.

And that is our show for the week.

**Craig:** And just remember we are Lawrence Kasdan approved.

**John:** We are. That’s nice.

**Craig:** See you next week.

**John:** Thanks bye.

**Craig:** Bye.

LINKS:

* [When the Spec Script was king](http://m.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2013/03/will-spec-script-screenwriters-rise-again) by Margaret Heidenry in Vanity Fair
* [Examples of early screenplay formats](http://www.screenplayology.com/content-sections/screenplay-style-use/1-1/)
* [Amor Fati](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amor_fati) on Wikipedia
* [Dungeon World RPG](http://www.dungeon-world.com)
* [Canker sore drug helps mice lose weight without diet, exercise](http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/10/health/mice-weight-loss-drug/index.html)
* OUTRO: [Roll a D6](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54VJWHL2K3I)

Scriptnotes, Ep 72: People still buy movies — Transcript

January 18, 2013 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](http://johnaugust.com/2013/people-still-buy-movies).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** And this is Scriptnotes, episode 72, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters. Craig, how are you?

**Craig:** I’m really good, and I will tell you why when we get to our One Cool Thing.

**John:** Nice. So, today I thought we would talk through two things. First off, there’s a new report out that shows for the first year in seven years that home video revenues are actually rising a tiny bit.

**Craig:** I know. A tiny, tiny bit.

**John:** That seems to be good news.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** But we can talk through what that means and what it doesn’t mean. And then today will also be a day of four Three Page Challenges. And this is probably the goriest batch that Stuart has ever picked.

**Craig:** So much blood, Stuart! I like it.

**John:** He told me that he actually tried to lighten it up by throwing us a comedy at the end, but it’s still — it’s pretty gory.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** So, just a warning in advance.

**Craig:** Yes.

**John:** But first, I have a correction. In last week’s podcast I said that I didn’t really have a New Year’s resolution for this year and I sort of made up a kind of half-assed one. But, the truth is that I am changing something fundamental for this New Year and I can’t believe I didn’t mention it on the podcast. I have become a single space after the period guy.

**Craig:** Oh! I love it. Good for you!

**John:** I just bit the bullet and I switched. And so it took some muscle memory retraining, but I’m now just a single-space-after-the-period and it’s just fine.

**Craig:** Yeah. I went through that myself and I do remember a weird little retraining period. But, welcome. Welcome to “Gooble-gobble one of us.”

**John:** Yeah. So, the script for ABC, Chosen, was the first one I did as a single space. And it’s just fine. At first you look at it, it’s like, “Oh, something’s wrong,” but it’s not wrong, it’s just different. And I don’t know that it actually saved me any pages because I actually typed it with a single space. So, I didn’t do a big search and replace. I didn’t like squeeze a page out of it. But, it feels just right.

So, if you’re a screenwriter who is on the fence about switching to a single space, I say just try it.

**Craig:** Yeah! Do it! Do it.

**John:** Do it! Cool. Let’s get to our topics.

So, yesterday — not really yesterday, it was last week by the time this podcast comes out — Ben Fritz in the LA Times had an article about a story released by the Digital Entertainment Group, which is a trade group for all the studios and sort of manufacturers of home video products. They were reporting that for the first year in seven years, home video revenues rose for the first time. The quote is, “After seven straight years of falling home video revenues, last year Americans spent more money watching movies at home than they did the previous year.” So, it’s stopping a trend.

And it was up a shocking 0.23%.

**Craig:** [laughs] Yeah. Well, you know, you hear these phrases sometimes in the world of finance, “The dead cat bounce.” It feels more like maybe the body finally hit the pavement.

For those of you who kind of casually monitor your own usage of things, you might have noticed that you don’t rent or purchase DVDs the way you used to anymore; other people don’t as well. But you really don’t have a sense of how precipitous the decline has been unless you work inside the business.

It’s been a freefall almost — really, really bad situation. This is a stream of revenue that the studios really relied on to fund everything, and so much of the decline in production and even the way that they’ve approached the kinds of movies they’re willing to back can be traced back to that, to that very fact that home video…just the bottom fell out.

And while I can’t say that a 0.2-something increase is good news, I think everyone’s held-breath hope is that we won’t drop a lot anymore. That maybe we are stabilizing. Maybe? And it seems almost too much to ask for that it will go up, but if that happens, great. But for it to not keep going down every year is just really good news.

**John:** Yeah. So, we’ll get into some more specific statistics, but we should talk about why it’s important for the industry and why it’s especially important for screenwriters. Because, as industry we talked about the fact that studios rely on home video to actually make profits on these moves, because movies as they’re released in the theaters, that’s not usually where the bulk of the money is coming from. More than 50% of the revenue comes from ancillary sources, down the road as they’re selling DVDs, as they’re selling television, as they’re selling it in other ways.

For a screenwriter, those other ways — those secondary markets — is where we get residuals. And residuals are a sort of crucial way of being able to maintain the career of screenwriting when you’re between projects. The years that you’re not writing a movie, those residuals are what is carrying you over.

And so the decline in home video has had a very profound effect not only on the kinds of movies that screenwriters are able to get made, but on how much you’re literally getting in your green envelope as residuals are paid.

**Craig:** Yeah, that’s exactly right. We don’t get paid any percentage, effectively, of box office. We don’t get paid a percentage, interestingly, of the exhibition of movies on airplanes, which is considered primary exhibition. We get paid a small but significant — meaningful — percentage of home video downloads, rentals, sales, internet sales. And also the reuse of the movie on pay television and free television, you know, HBO and network airings of the movies.

And as this home video market collapsed, so too did our residuals base, and while the percentage stayed the same, the amount that it applied against just collapsed.

So, you know, it is good news for writers, and actors, and directors who all draw residuals on films. I don’t know. I mean, I can’t really jump up and down here. All I can do is say, “Gee, I hope next year it’s the same deal,” you know. I’ll take a 0.2 increase every year at this point over what we’ve been having.

**John:** Now, also for screenwriters we should say that classically as studios try to explain why they have to tighten things up, they are complaining that home video revenues are shrinking. Of course, Justin Marks, our mutual friend, a screenwriter, had a tweet yesterday saying, “Hooray, the end of one-step deals! Suddenly the purse strings will fly open and studios will pay more money,” which is not probably accurate.

**Craig:** No. And I can’t really blame studios for taking a wait-and-watch attitude here. Look, if home video does increase significantly, if the long hoped for “internet boon” occurs — “boom” I should say — occurs, then they will likely increase production and they will open their wallets and spend more because movies will be marginally that much more profitable again. So, that’s a good thing.

But it’s hard to fault them for waiting, because the news has been so bad for so long. So, you know, let’s put a couple of good years together and maybe then they’ll change their tune.

**John:** So, I spent some time this afternoon trying to find the actual source of this information, because Ben Fritz’s story was the first thing I saw, and that’s what got sort of passed around a lot. The group behind this is called the Digital Entertainment Group, which is so generic of a title that you know it has to be a trade organization. And it turns out it really is. And so I’ll put up a link to their original site.

They reference — there’s a press release that references information in the report. And they say like “Attached is a report” and I could not find the report as we were going to air. But, there was more stuff in the press release and in stories that we can find. We can do a little spelunking to see what’s actually really going on.

So, some of the facts: DVD subscriptions, by which I mean Netflix, dropped 28%, while the growth of kiosk rentals was 16% compared to 31% in 2011. So, Netflix, which is — there are other places that have subscriptions to DVDs, but Netflix is really what you think about; that was down 28%. Kiosk rentals, which is Redbox and things like Redbox were up 16%, but they’d been up 31% the year before. So, the growth in stuff like that has declined.

Those are important because those are big buyers of DVDs. And so studios would love for every person to just go back to the way that things used to be and be buying DVDs of all the movies and keeping them on their shelves, but no one is doing that right now. So, in lieu of that they are subscribing to Netflix and hopefully getting the DVDs, or buying stuff out of Redbox. And those are at least physical copies that the studios can sell. Those are not doing especially well.

Online purchases of digital copies was up 50% in just the last quarter of 2012.

**Craig:** That’s the good news.

**John:** That’s the really good news. So, online purchases of digital copies — that means when you buy off of iTunes, when you buy it from the Amazon downloadable part of Amazon, or the sites where you can do that — these purchases accounted for about 5% of overall home entertainment spending. But the fact that they are up 50% seems to be a very good sign.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And right now digital accounts for about 30% of the domestic home video market, up from 19% compared to 2011. That’s great. And I think that digital probably is also meaning video on demand or other ways that people are getting movies delivered to their screen without a physical medium.

**Craig:** Yeah. And there’s an additional bit of good news there for us as writers, because our residual rate is actually better for electronic stuff. The old rate that the guild hated and stuck over fruitlessly — twice — was the DVD/VHS rate, and that was essentially 20% of 1.5% to 1.8% depending on how many units were sold, which worked out roughly to be about 0.3% to 0.35% of the studio’s take, which is really, really tiny.

And yet when they were selling billions of these things it added up. And you’d get some big checks for some hit moves, really big checks.

**John:** Definitely.

**Craig:** And then that sort of collapsed. The good news is that our rate for sales on the internet, so if you purchase a movie on iTunes, I believe our rate is roughly twice that DVD/VHS rate. It’s something like 0.6% and change.

And if you rent, it’s even better. Even though, of course, there’s less revenue from renting, we get a full 1.2% of rental — internet rental revenue. And again, when you look at these numbers, you think, “Well, the movie cost $10 on iTunes.” Well, the studio doesn’t get $10. They have to share it with Apple and all the rest. But, it’s a good thing. I mean, if that keeps increasing we could do well.

**John:** Yeah. Again, I think it is really good news that the digital rates are higher, just like the overall pie is a little bit smaller, too. So, we get a larger chunk, but the pie is smaller because the actual price point is lower, too.

So, the advantage of the physical medium is that they can charge $15 for a DVD. They’re not being able to charge $15 for just the rental of that movie, or for the sale of that movie digitally as often. So, we’re getting a higher percentage of a lower price point usually.

**Craig:** Yeah. I mean, from the other angle where you ask, “Will this re-bolster the home video market and then will that translate into more movies and more hiring and hiring wages for writers?” The question I have, and I have never gotten an answer, is what the relative margin, what the relative margin — what the relative profit margin is on electronic stuff versus DVDs.

I mean, a DVD had to be actually made. It’s a physical object and had to be put in a box and it had to be shipped. And all of that costs money. And you don’t have that with electronic media. There’s one copy somewhere that just gets promulgated a billion times, essentially freely. I mean, the distribution system is de minimis.

So, I wonder, you know, if you ask, “Well, how much money did a studio get from a $17 DVD versus a $9.99 download?” I wonder. I hope it’s comparable, but I don’t know.

**John:** I suspect there is an answer that is true for 2012 and it’s a different answer than was true for 2010. I think it’s one of those constantly shifting things. And, again, the tides are constantly shifting. We don’t know sort of how… — Let’s think about how studios used to want consumers to work. They wanted you to just keep buying physical discs. And so they wanted you to buy VHS tapes originally, and then they wanted you to buy DVDs. And they wanted you to buy one of two competing DVD formats.

Hey, do you remember DivX? Do you remember that format?

**Craig:** Sure. Yeah.

**John:** Where you had the one-play DVD. That was a great idea.

So, then we had two competing HD formats, and Blu-ray ultimately won that fight. Now studios would love you to go to UltraViolet, which is where you’re buying a physical copy but you’re also getting a digital copy that we deliver to you.

They want to just keep selling you the same movie again, and again, and again. And that’s unlikely to ever happen again in the future, to some degree. They’re unable to sell that same movie to people again and again, but they may be able to sell that same movie again and again to the people who are licensing the movie for them, so the Netflix or the Amazon Primes who are subscription services, studios can keep cutting deals to sell those same movies again, and again, and again. And over the course of years that may become a valuable chunk of the revenue.

**Craig:** Yeah. The economics of running a movie studio aren’t particularly complicated. I mean, the way it works is basically you spend a whole lot of money upfront to make a movie, and then you sit back and collect money slowly for awhile, usually. I mean, sometimes you get a ton back right away.

But, the real advantage to owning a movie studio is having a library of films, because they’re made, and they’re done, and you own them. And if you can continue to make money off of copies of those things without having to spend a dime to make new stuff, that’s amazing. I mean, the analogy I use: it’s like a kitchen with a never-ending bread maker. I mean, it just keeps coming and you just keep selling it. And you don’t have to pay for anything else. So, they will consistently try and figure out how to monetize their library.

I think you’re going to see, inevitably, some kind of deal where there are going to be enhanced options and there’s going to be a lot more variations. There are going to do director’s cuts. And eventually they’ll figure out 3D viewing at home, and they’ll do 3D versions. Who knows? They’re just going to keep trying.

It’s like that line from Men in Black where he holds up the little mini CD and he goes, “I guess I’ll have to buy The White Album again.” I mean, that’s the dream. You will be on your 12th copy of Groundhog Day before you die. [laughs] They’ll keep trying. I mean, it’s been a scary few years, and maybe they can get their footing again.

**John:** Well, two points. First off, the Frankenweenie DVD just came out last week.

**Craig:** Excellent.

**John:** And it actually comes in a four-disc set, which I was skeptical about until they actually sent me a bunch of them. And I was like, “Oh, I can sort of see what this is.” And so it’s one box that looks like a normal center jewel box, but inside you have a 3D Blu-ray, you have a normal Blu-ray, you have a normal DVD, and some sort of token for downloading the movie, not on iTunes, but on some other service which is probably doomed.

But, I can understand why they’re going to keep the physical thing going as long as they can because that’s what they know. It’s like they’re saddle makers and they’ve been making saddles their entire life. And suddenly there are cars, and people love their cars, but they say like, “No, no, keep buying saddles, please. Please keep buying saddles. How dare you put the saddle industry out of business?”

And they’ll never really put the saddle industry out of business. People will still want physical copies of things. There are going to be advantages to owning Blu-rays or whatever comes after Blu-rays because you’re probably going to be able to get a better picture that way for quite a long time.

And also you have the nuclear bomb ability of, like, you actually physically own something; you’re not relying on it being on a server. But for most people the digital version is going to be a better solution. There is a lot of talk about how Millennials just don’t care to own things anymore. They’ve grow up with the internet.

**Craig:** Right.

**John:** And so the idea of physically owning something is not that appealing. They just want access to things. And so they don’t care if it physically is in their possession as long as they can get to it easily. So, as long as you can find a way to make it profitable to give that thing to that person when they want it, that’s the business model.

That’s why… — You’re the person who always takes umbrage, but the one thing in the industry that gives me the greatest umbrage — partly because I had to sit on a CES panel for it last year — is UltraViolet, which I think is just such a misguided concept.

UltraViolet is a format of a digital locker, essentially, for people to take their physical copies of DVDs or Blu-rays, or whatever, and be able to view them digitally, but it’s a protected thing that all these studios are coming together to do. And it just seems like such a clustermuck that they’re wasting a lot of time and money trying to push when they should really just be figuring out how to embrace the competition between iTunes, and Amazon, and all the other services that are coming out there and play them against each other to make profit.

**Craig:** Yeah. A lot of their strategizing is driven by their fear of piracy. And it’s a completely rational and justifiable fear. But it is, unfortunately, I think it is driving it too hard. And you can’t really win, you know. And when you look at music I think you see where the solution is. And the solution is to make it so easy to do the right thing and so affordable to do the right thing that people just do the right thing.

If they continue to wall their content in out of fear, it’s just never going to work. And the good news is they don’t have to. We, thankfully, don’t share the same problems that news media currently labors under. There’s so much free news content, and everybody now basically just gets it for free, and there’s literally no impetus to purchase news anymore. Zero. I don’t know why anyone would pay for news at this point, because the news industry has told us it’s worthless. That’s exactly what they’ve told us, and they’ve made it worthless. And then, too late, they tried to put up pay walls and…forget it. Forget it. It’s never going to happen. It’s too late.

We lucked out in the audio/visual end of the entertainment business because we had the music business be our canary in a coal mine. We watched the music business desperately try and figure out a way around this. RIAA lawsuits didn’t stop anything — let’s be honest. What stopped the widespread piracy of music, I mean, the 99.9% omnipresence of music piracy, was iTunes. Steve Jobs said a song now costs a dollar. Come on. And it’ll be good and you’ll get it, and it’s cool, and you get it instantly, and it’s attractive and fun. It goes right on your device; you don’t have to sit there like a nerd on Limewire or Kazaa.

And that’s the answer. So, I agree with you. I think that these lockers and these things… — You know, the movie business is good at making and selling movies. They’re not good at electronic distribution platforms. It’s not their business. I mean, how many other companies whose business that is have failed? Why would the movie business be any good at it?

Let the people who distribute the stuff distribute it. They’re good at it. It’s like the way we let Wal-Mart sell DVDs. You know, we don’t sell DVDs. Let Wal-Mart do it.

**John:** But, if you actually look at the press releases coming out of CES this week, they’re touting how Wal-Mart is now doing this UltraViolet transduction service. Basically they let you convert your DVDs into the UltraViolet format. And I think it’s going to be spectacularly unsuccessful.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** And you can tell that this digital entertainment group is a trade organization, because without any statistics that sort of back it up they talk about the overwhelming success of UltraViolet, which I don’t know anybody in the entire universe that likes or understands.

**Craig:** Literally no one. I mean, no one even bothers to understand it, because it’s unnecessary to understand it.

**John:** Because you know it’s going to go away.

**Craig:** Yeah! I mean, we’re going to be giggling about that in few years. I really do believe. And the thought that people are going to go to Wal-Mart with a cardboard box full of DVDs to convert it to another thing? No!

**John:** No.

**Craig:** No. What they’ll do is if they want it on their computer and they don’t know how to get it from their DVD onto their computer, they’ll buy it on iTunes, or they’ll buy it on Amazon, or they’ll buy it through their television. See, that’s the other thing that’s waiting out there is Apple TV. Not Apple TV, the hockey puck thing that streams video from your computer to your monitor, but the hardware Apple Television that everybody knows is coming.

And everybody understands that what’s going to be killer about it presumably isn’t that it’s a big screen with lights on it; everybody has that. But it’s going to be some kind of content delivery and content management system that is going to finally solve all of our problems of how to organize, purchase, and view material. And when that happens, that’s how people are going to get their stuff. Let’s face it. This UltraViolet junk — get out of here. Now I have umbrage!

**John:** Now you have some umbrage.

So, here’s, too, I think… — I mean, I don’t think the studios are going to be the big player in solving this problem other than the fact that they’re going to have to figure out how to sell — they’ll figure out who to license it to for subscription services and which essential retailers they’re going to be making deals with for selling through.

I think the players to watch are Apple, of course, through iTunes and for some sort of physical device; the cable companies, because cable can deliver libraries and give you video on demand; satellite. You know, I think Amazon will continue to sort of dominate in here because they’re both good at selling bits and selling discs. And their streaming services through that kind of stuff. The next Netflix will happen.

But it’s not going to be UltraViolet. And it’s not going to be a bunch of studios coming together to try to make something. First off, because they don’t like to work together. There are some restrictions on how much they really can work together because of anti-trust. It’s just a mess.

And, I also feel like a lot of the UltraViolet is being driven because they feel really bad for the Toshibas and all of the disc manufacturers, Sony, who have to make the physical devices and nobody wants those devices. I want all those DVDs that are in my cupboard. And I definitely don’t want a DVD player. For the last couple of years we’ve just been using like an old Mac Mini that has slot loading and we just use that for playing screeners when we have to.

I’m looking forward to not having to have screeners, and just have the code that I punch in that lets me watch Zero Dark Thirty when I need to watch it.

**Craig:** And, look, we all know that’s where it’s going. I mean, in ten years no one is going to have plastic. So, the clinging to plastic — I mean, I get what they’re doing. They’re like, “We’ll train people who like DVDs to also like digital. And then they’ll be our customers and they’ll have brand loyalty to UltraViolet.”

No they won’t. Nobody has brand loyalty to anything. They only have loyalty to what’s easy. So, you could say people have brand loyalty to iTunes. They don’t. iTunes is the best music and film delivery system for your personal computer. Period. The end. I believe that. And that’s where their loyalty is.

The second somebody comes along with something that kicks iTunes’s butt, they’re moving on, and that’s that.

**John:** Agreed.

All right. So, that’s our discussion of home video. So, hopefully we’ll be able to report back in a year and say, “You know what? That trend continued. And things are better than they were before.”

**Craig:** Hopefully.

**John:** And maybe there will actually be some real changes because of that. Next though, I want to go to our Three Page Challenges.

**Craig:** Yeah!

**John:** I always forget to do this until after we’ve done one. So, let me preface this by saying, if you are new to the podcast and what we do with Three Page Challenges: We invite our listeners to send us three pages from one of their scripts. And it’s usually the first three pages. I think all the ones we’ve actually read on the air have been the first three pages of something.

If you want to do this for your own script, you can go to johnaugust.com/threepage, and there are instructions for how to do it, including boilerplate language that says you won’t sue us and stuff like that. And if you want to read along with us as we’re going through this, you can pause the podcast and go to johnaugust.com and find this episode of the podcast, and download the PDFs of these samples and read along with us and see if you agree with what we say.

**Craig:** Right. And you should agree with what we say.

**John:** Oh, you should. Because our opinions are infallible.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** Our first script is by Al Ibrahim. It’s called Vandalan. It could be almost any pronunciation of the As in that.

**Craig:** Correct. There are three As. And they could all be the same. They could all be different. And we don’t whether the accent is Vandalan, Vandal-on, Vandalan, yeah, we just don’t know.

**John:** it is just an arrangement of As and consonants.

So, let me read the summary of what happens here:

We open in a dance club where loud techno music is playing. We’re in Changkat, which I think is somewhere in Asia, really unclear. We follow a young woman named May who is trying to get out of the club. A guy named Chen is shouting at her and being a jerk.

Outside the club this little Indian kid on a tricycle nearly runs her down. He rides off. May gets away from the club and away from Chen. Finally, she leans against a car, she’s trying to light a cigarette. The boy with the tricycle comes back and then when she looks again, the tricycle is there but the boy is gone, which is weird. And there’s also a strange puddle beside it. So, she approaches the puddle, looked into it, suddenly an arm reaches out from the puddle and drags her in.

And that’s the end of the three pages.

**Craig:** Yeah. So, I mean, it’s definitely — you get the genre pretty well. We’re in the world of creepy horror, sort of ghost storyish something. It’s laid out pretty well. I mean, there’s no dialogue on these thee pages, at all, except for the very last word which is an off-screen voice on the phone, and it’s just the word “hello.”

And that’s always a challenging thing, and I think the writer here pulls it off fairly well. I mean, it’s all fairly evocative. It’s very visual. And I can see everything. I know what everything looks like. I had a great sense of geography.

I don’t have a great sense of the literal geography, because I have no idea where Changkat is. It sounds vaguely Thai to me. But we’re INT. HAVANA NIGHT CLUB, CHANGKAT, so that’s going to throw people a little bit. It would be great if it’s Bangkok, if it’s China, if it is Hong Kong, please give us the country so we know.

I really liked the description of May. It says, “This is MAY (26).” 26, by the way, very specific. I just have a weird thing about super specific ages unless the age needs to be that specific because it’s somebody’s important birthday, or they’re getting their driver’s license, or it’s a war movie and they’re being drafted. You know, mid-20s is fine, or 20s is fine.

“This is MAY (26). She’s slim and Chinese and her looks are timeless; homegirl” — which I loved — “homegirl stepped right out of a Wong Kar-Wai film and found herself in this shit hole.” Which is cool because I like when the writer gives us a little sense of their own attitude, you know, that this is not being written by some stuffy dork. This is a person who has a point of view and an attitude and is kind of cool. If that is in fact who they are. Please don’t force it, [laughs], if it’s not who you are.

But I liked that there was some attitude here that made it enjoyable to read and made me actually feel that I was in interesting hands of the writer. This is a writer who is comfortable enough to call his own character “homegirl,” but also smart enough to know what characters out of a Wong Kar-Wai film would look like. So, I really like that. And I like the action.

I really don’t have anything to complain about here other than this one thing, and that is that this is generic. It’s a generic opening. She’s eaten by a puddle. And I’ve seen a lot of horror movies since The Ring, since Ringu, where people are swallowed by inanimate objects, static televisions, puddles, etc. And so nothing happens in these first two and a half that is in and of itself particularly fresh. That said, I thought it was well-written, well-crafted, and I liked it.

**John:** I liked it as well. What I will say — I will say I was surprised that it become the horror, that it became The Grudge, that that Ring thing happened. It was very specific and evocative and I thought like, “Okay, this is going to be some sort of chase movie, some sort of thriller movie. This is something about — or it’s going to be a Wong Kar-Wai movie,” and then the fact that it became this little horror thing I dug. So, I was surprised when it actually happened. And I didn’t see that coming. So, good on you for being able to do that.

Like you, I was thrown by Havana Night Club. If you say the word “Havana” on the third line of the thing I’m going to think, “Oh, we’re in Cuba. …But, but? Oh,” so I had to go back through that. “Oh, no, we really are somewhere in Asia.” So, just take that word “Havana” out of there. Put a different name for the club. Don’t make us think we’re one place when we’re someplace else, unless it’s important that we be misdirected.

I missed some uppercasing on people. You have people in the club, there are people going past, just give us uppercase on those people. It just helps us know that there are actual real — there are other people in the bar.

I sort of got a little bit lost in some of the paragraphs, and you don’t want me to skim. And so uppercase sort of gets me reading through the whole thing.

On page two there’s a cigarette thing where she’s like trying to light a cigarette. I’ve done this in movies, too. I think it’s becoming a clam. I think it’s becoming something that we’ve just seen too much, where like you’re having a hard time lighting a cigarette and that’s a suspense-building thing. Maybe we can do something else there, particularly because the phone is a more important thing that she’s trying to do there, so the cigarette, you can maybe get rid of that action.

But, on the whole I dug it.

**Craig:** Yeah, I mean, pretty minor nitpicks. But well-written, so good.

One little thing is when you said, I mean, I noticed it on page three, the page didn’t fill out, so the writer gave us the first scene, the sequence really, and then opted to not finish the rest of the page. Dude, finish the rest of the page. Give us the rest of the page. I like it. Even if I… — Obviously the next scene probably has nothing to do with what we just saw because that was sort of a cold open set piece, but I like it anyway. So, don’t cheat us. Give us the whole three pages.

**John:** I agree. What I will say about this is that this isn’t my genre. This isn’t a thing that I would necessarily gravitate towards, but if I were a producer who is looking to make a horror movie, I would like that and I would keep reading, and that’s a fantastic thing. So, it’s a good example of not just the genre but also the specificity of starting in a different culture, and I believed he sort of knew what he was talking about and that’s always a good sign.

**Craig:** Yeah, for sure. Nice work.

**John:** Next up is a script by Keith Groff & Jonathan White.

**Craig:** Is this the New Orleans one?

**John:** The New Orleans one.

**Craig:** Okay, great. Yeah. So, I’ll do a little quick summary here:

We open on young Kora, she’s a 10-year-old Creole girl. We’re in a rundown apartment in New Orleans at night. And she is watching as her mother, Maxine, is duct-taping the wrists of her unconscious father.

And Maxine returns to the room with a squawking chicken. Tells Kora to get out. Kora wants to watch, which Maxine is impressed by to some extent. Maxine slices the chicken open, dumps its guts out onto her husband’s stomach, and she makes a prayer, sort of like a Santeria kind of prayer, to somebody named Papa Legba.

And essentially puts a curse on this man. The man wakes up, freaks out, and Maxine tells him, “I’m taking Kora,” and she disappears with Kora.

We then flash forward to many years later. Kora is now 27. She’s in a port-a-potty. And while somebody is banging outside on the port-a-potty door to try and get in, she’s sitting there and we’re not quite sure what she’s doing until we realize she’s timing, she’s waiting for enough time to go by to read her pregnancy test which is, in fact, as it almost always is, [laughs], positive.

And she chucks the pregnancy test away, steps out of the port-a-potty, and we reveal that we’re in the Superdome parking lot. There are thousands of port-a-potties. People are trying, literally fighting to get in, and super informs us this is New Orleans 2018. And as she walks by we see that there is this barbed wire fence. And as the writer says, “We’ll call it…THE BARRIER.”

**John:** Yeah. And she has a cleaver in her hand.

**Craig:** What was that?

**John:** And she has a cleaver in her hand.

**Craig:** Yes, I’m sorry. There is a big meat cleaver that her mom was using to chop the duct tape in the sort of pre-scene and in the prologue, and Kora continues to hold that meat cleaver as a grown woman.

**John:** Yes.

**Craig:** So, what did you think?

**John:** So, you know, like many people I found Beasts of the Southern Wild to be just too light and airy. This was dark. This is dark, dark, dark. And it was like Angel Heart but, like, less subtle. It was just like, give me more blood. Give me more poop floating in port-a-potties.

It’s really dark. And so I can point to…I don’t know. It’s hard for me to guess what this movie is really going to be like. It’s a dystopian future of New Orleans. It feels a little bit almost Mad Max-y. When you’re walking around with a cleaver in your hand I feel like we’re in Mad Max territory.

And so I’m not entirely sure what movie I have signed onto after the three pages. And I would give myself to page 10, but if it continued along the same line I’m not sure I would keep reading.

**Craig:** Right. Well, there’s no doubt that something happened between 2012 and 2018 that caused bathrooms to become a little more scarce, because people are fighting over port-a-potties. And New Orleans is barriered in. So, yeah, dystopian, near-dystopian future after some kind of apocalyptic event.

Yeah, definitely some kind of Mad Max vibe when you have to walk around with a meat cleaver. And she’s pregnant.

Here’s… — I will say this. I like this, I think, quite a bit more than you. I don’t mind dark. In fact, I’m impressed with how unapologetic these pages were. Dark is one of those things that some people just don’t like, and some people do. And sometimes it’s context-dependent. If you write something that’s dark, if you write it well just rest assured that 70% of people are just going to go, “Yuck!” but 30% might love it. And all you need is one person to really love it.

So, you know, write truly to what you want to do. And if you want to write something that’s dark just make it interesting. I was interested. I thought there was good character work here between the mother and the daughter. And certainly the promise of somebody falling pregnant in the midst of all this chaos is interesting, and there’s drama built into these first three pages.

I’m a huge fan of Children of Men. I think it’s an amazing movie.

**John:** Oh yeah.

**Craig:** This is sort of like a dark, creepy, nasty version of Children of Men. So, I mean, just based on these three pages and the way that she wrote, or he wrote, I’m sorry, or they wrote.

**John:** It’s a team, yeah.

**Craig:** I liked it. I thought the pages read well. They were laid out well. Good descriptions. So, I’m a little more positive about this than you.

**John:** Some typos I would also point out. On page two, “Then his EYE’S pop open.” That apostrophe doesn’t need to be there. There’s an “It’s” problem. So, if you’re sending stuff through to anybody to read, you know, it’s worth taking that last check. These are only three pages, so it’s worth going back through and making sure that all of that stuff is right so I’m not going to call you out on this podcast.

Great.

Our next up is by Nick Keetch. And this starts with a thing called “Teaser,” so we know that this is actually probably a pilot script, television project.

We open in the Chihuahuan Desert of Mexico where two young brothers, Alejandro and Miguel, are chasing after their runaway dog. They come upon a farmhouse. And peering in through holes in the wall they find a federale, an officer, being melted alive in acid by two men in biohazard suits.

**Craig:** [laughs]

**John:** The boys are spotted and run. Miguel gets captured and presumably killed. Alejandro runs for his life, heading for the border. We see the US border. We see the flag. And that is the end of the teaser.

**Craig:** I mean, look, maybe I’m just in a good mood today. But I thought this was cool. Again, I guess my thing is, you know, you watch Game of Thrones like I watch Game of Thrones, and Game of Thrones is really bloody. Sometimes it’s creatively bloody. I mean, a man lops the head of his own horse off because he loses a jousting match.

So, if you’re going to be over-the-top violent at least be interestingly over-the-top violent, like dumping chicken guts on an abusive husband — presumably abusive husband.

In this case, they take this guy and they melt him in acid which is like, oh god, but you know, haven’t seen that. I don’t really think scientifically that’s accurate, by the way. I don’t think a body will immediately dissolve in a bucket of acid. You got to leave it in there for awhile. But, whatever.

The cool part though was that the acid man, the guy that’s burning this victim, reaches out for this little kid with his acid-covered glove, and just basically grabs the kid’s face. A kid, by the way. And puts this hand shape burn all over this little boy’s face. That’s bad-ass. And that’s cool.

And then his brother has to run away and escape. I presume, I don’t know why I presume this, I just have a feeling that the next scene is the kid who runs away is now 20-something, and there’s going to be this forgotten twin out there with a hand-shaped burn on his face coming for him.

But, I thought it was really cool. Like if I saw that on TV I’d keep watching. What other metric can I use to judge? So, I was pleased.

**John:** Yeah. I was pleased, too. I was actually a little bit alarmed because there’s a script that I’m working on that has a person being dissolved in a way that’s not the same, but it’s like, “Ugh, I thought that would be the first time we’d see it on screen.” Maybe mine will make it to production first.

But I did like sort of the creative violence of it all. I wasn’t a big of the opening voice over. So, let me read this to you. This is in the very first scene. Daxton Rivers says… — Oh, that’s interesting, his name is Daxton Rivers but we don’t know any other characters named Daxton Rivers. “People say,” that’s probably his new name.

**Craig:** Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

**John:** Yeah. But we’re not given any clue about what this guy’s voice actually sounds like, or who he’s supposed to be. So, that’s one of the other problems. But the actual text I have a problem with. “People say we don’t get to choose our own lives. My brother and I would probably agree on the truth of that. Maybe him more than me.”

**Craig:** Yeah. That’s not very good, is it?

**John:** It’s not very good. And it’s very heavy-handed for over a shot of just like two brothers walking through the desert. I think it’s much stronger if you cut that out and just let it be the show.

Granted, I don’t know what else he’s going to do in this pilot, and maybe that voice over becomes a crucial thing, but it feels unnecessary, and I think it’s a much stronger opening without that there.

**Craig:** Yeah. I agree. The voice over like this is simply mirroring what we — tonally mirroring what we see. It’s not misdirecting us. It’s not leading us up to a surprise. And the language is just very wooden. “People say we don’t get to choose our own lives.” No they don’t! Never heard that before.

So, you don’t get to say that. You know, “People say we…” and then, you know, something that people always say. [laughs] You know, no one ever says that.

And then the next sentence is, “My brother and I would probably agree on the truth of that.” Well…that’s just bad writing. It’s just a clumsy sentence. It’s awkward. It doesn’t read well and it doesn’t come off the tongue very well. “Maybe him more than me,” it should really be, “maybe him more than I.” But, you know, it’s just not a pleasant bit of voice over.

And voice over — if you’re going to indulge in voice over it’s got to be delicious. It’s got to be fun. The language has to really be cool because people are just listening to it, like a book on tape. So, yes, that was a misstep for sure.

**John:** And the easiest way to rewrite it is to cut it.

**Craig:** Yeah. I think so. You don’t need it. And if you do need it for your show, then come up with something else.

**John:** Now, on pages two and three, there’s some dialogue that is in Spanish and is subtitled, and let’s talk a little bit about best practice for this. Right now, El Pariente says, “Está bien. Está bien.” And then in parentheses, a parenthetical underneath it, the writer has, “(It’s okay.)”

**Craig:** We know “está bien.”

**John:** We know “está bien.” I would say that in cases of this really simple Spanish, I don’t think you needed to translate this at all. Everyone who’s going to be reading the script will understand what “está bien” means. I think you can get rid of the “Ayúdame,” which is the “help me,” all together.

I felt like in all these cases the Spanish that was there was fine and we would be able to understand it in context. If you have more sophisticated Spanish I would probably not try to put it — if you’re going to be using a lot of Spanish in your script overall, make a choice. Either you’re going to put it in English and just put it in parentheses so that it’s clear that this is in Spanish, or do the real Spanish and put it in italics and let people figure it out in context.

But this felt like over explanation for really simple things.

**Craig:** Yeah. And certainly you don’t want to do this weird thing where you do a line in Spanish and then put the English in parenthetical. That just doesn’t work underneath it. That’s not what parentheses are for.

A general rule of thumb is simple short sentences — don’t translate if they’re real simple, and short, and easy. Because frankly short little simple sentences are more interesting for the reader to figure out from context. And here you would be able to figure it out from context, even with “Ayúdame.”

So, there’s that. And then if you’re writing a more long, involved thing, then just say “they speak in Spanish” and then just put the English in italics to indicate — just let the reader know that this is going to be Spanish but it will subtitled. But you wouldn’t subtitle “Está bien.” And if you’re not going to subtitle it, then don’t translate it for us here either.

**John:** Absolutely. None of the dialogue that’s in here would have been subtitled, so therefore it shouldn’t be in parentheticals here. That’s all clear.

Our last script of the day is by P.K. Lassiter, and it’s called The Dance Machine.

**Craig:** The Dance Machine. So, we open up in New York City, 1976. And we are at Studio 54. It’s the heyday of disco. And all of these people are waiting, but not to get into Studio 54. They’re watching this little kid, Stuey Pepitone, who is six-years-old, dressed in a three-piece white suit, and he’s a dancing machine. He’s amazing. They’re just loving this kid dancing.

And there’s this little girl, also six, with her mom named CC who is just transfixed by this kid. Steve Rubell, the actual real life famous impresario, is that the right word?

**John:** Sure.

**Craig:** The owner and promoter of Studio 54 steps out, sees Stuey, loves him. Brings him into the club and tells him to dance for everybody. And the kid is dancing for all these stars — I presume actors that look like the stars in 1976, including a young John Travolta. And Stuey is actually doing all these moves, inventing moves that we now know are famous, like the Hustle and even the Saturday Night Fever dance. So, John Travolta steals that from him.

And CC comes in, takes his hand, and the two of them are into each other even as six-year-olds. We then show Stevie Wonder, who reveal went blind because he watched Stuey Pepitone dancing. And then some Super 8 footage of Stuey growing up. He’s now ten. He’s winning various dance contests. Now it’s 1983. He’s 13. He’s inventing the language of break-dancing.

He Moonwalks, and Michael Jackson sees it. And he even then, a couple years later, gives LL Cool J his name. And LL Cool J — sort of documentary style — is telling the filmmaker that he knew Stuey P. He was the best. And he gave him his name.

**John:** Yup.

**Craig:** So, what did you think of The Dance Machine?

**John:** So, I have two sort of competing thoughts. My first thought was, well, this is actually a sketch and not a movie. Second thought is this is an enjoyable spec that will never actually become a movie, and so therefore should continue along its path in just being a very enjoyable spec script that will never actually shoot.

And those aren’t incompatible things. But I felt like what I was reading so far could sustain itself for a little bit longer, and great, and it’s a sketch, and it’s lovely, but I didn’t see this breaking into — at least what I saw so far — as the Anchorman or sort of the big comedy that can support sort of this premise of this is the kid who actually invented all of contemporary dance styles.

So, I enjoyed it, but I didn’t — and I sort of smiled — I didn’t really laugh-laugh-laugh.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** So, I thought it was a good version of this premise, but I’m not sure this premise is really sustainable.

**Craig:** Yeah. So, tonally it’s very broad. It’s obviously intended to be very broad and I presume that in a scene or two Stuey will be grown up, and if my comedy Spidey sense is as sharp as I think, Stuey is probably going to be a wreck and is going to need to dance his way back to the top.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** And CC, his girl, is now grown up and he’s going to have to make up for something terrible he did to her. This is sort of the formula. These kinds of movies were very popular in the ’90s. And, in fact, when you mentioned sketch, that’s who would star in them. Saturday Night Live comedians transitioning to film would often star in movies like this. This is a very kind of early Sandler/Spade/Farley/Mike Myers kind of thing.

Will Ferrell doesn’t really do this sort of thing. It’s too broad for him and not quite ironic enough. This is really more of that earlier version. The problem is, of course, that that’s not really au courant right now.

**John:** Jim Carrey.

**Craig:** If you were to reinvent it you would have to be really, really funny and fresh. And I’m not sure that this quite rises to the challenge. Like you, I didn’t laugh out loud. I did appreciate the balls required to ret-con Stevie Wonder’s blindness as being a result of watching this kid dance. That is a very funny concept.

So, you know, it’s not poorly written. It’s not hysterical. They are following — or the writer, P.K. Lassiter, is following a formula quite closely that has worked in the past, it’s just that it’s worked in the distant past. And if I’m looking to purchase a script like this, the first question I ask is, “For whom?”

And there really isn’t anybody — even Saturday Night Live has sort of moved on from this kind of deal. It’s not — it just feels too goofily broad for where comedy is right now. So, you know, a mixed bag here.

I mean, these are exactly the kind of things I started writing initially, this tone. But, not bad.

**John:** Not at all.

**Craig:** I’m in a good mood today I guess.

**John:** You are in a good mood.

**Craig:** It’s not bad. I think there’s promise here. I think that P.K. has promise. It’s just maybe — it’s just a tough one with this because I just don’t know who it’s for. I mean, given the fact that it’s — I mean, basically this character is my age and your age, so Sandler?

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** I just don’t know if Sandler does this sort of thing anymore. It just seems like he’s maybe moved on. He’s too old to play this part of the former broad child genius in a crazy world.

You know who else? Stiller did it, too. This is very much like Zoolander. But Stiller doesn’t do this stuff anymore either.

**John:** Well, because we’re not really making those movies anymore. You brought it up. I’m thinking, “Well, what is the broadest movie lately that I saw, that I enjoyed, that I felt like even got a release?” It’s probably MacGruber. I mean, MacGruber is like this broad of a movie. And it’s smart in dumb ways, and dumb in smart ways. I really like MacGruber, but we’re not making a lot of MacGrubers right now. And this feels MacGruber-ish in that way.

**Craig:** Yeah. I mean, let me just say, as you know — I think I’ve mention this before — I think MacGruber is unheralded genius. [laughs] I think MacGruber is a great comedy. I really, really do. I love MacGruber. But this isn’t MacGruber. MacGruber even still was more meta and kind of hipper than this.

I think this is more close to some of the more recent — this is more close to like The Zookeeper with Kevin…

**John:** James.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** I do want to get back to the idea, like, is it worth writing this script because people will read it and like it? And so I think there may be like a Balls Out with Robotard 8000. Like, you write a comedy that’s not really even meant to be made, but it’s meant to be read by people and passed around. People say like, “Oh, this guy is really funny.”

Even if they have no intention of buying the script or making the script, it could get you some notice and could get you started. And that’s maybe not the worst plan for a writer if this is the thing you want to write. He wrote this and that could pay off.

Because I can see people — I mean, I don’t know how the rest of the script is, but I could see people liking it. I could see like the junior development executive who has to read like 30 things over the weekend like reads this and is like, “Ah, that was really funny.” And gives it to his buddy to read and it could grow that way.

**Craig:** Yeah. I think it has to be really funny. Because really this script is so down the middle in terms of its tone, I just know what this movie is, and that’s okay, that therefore it needs to actually be something you’d want to make. In and of itself it doesn’t indicate that there’s this really special perspective on comedy. It’s not breaking new ground. It’s basically saying, “Look, here’s a movie like this kind of movie that competently delivers for the genre.” Therefore, it should be able to be made.

This kind of script to me actually isn’t as much of a calling card as legitimately, “Hey, would you like to make this movie? It’s a high concept idea that fits in this box.” And listen, we only have three pages. And like I said, I think the Stevie Wonder thing was ballsy as hell, and so I like that. There’s another bit of unapologetic writing. So, good luck. I think you’ve got a shot there.

**John:** All right. We liked that probably all of our samples have no apologies in them. That’s a nice thing.

**Craig:** Yeah. This is actually the best group overall. I mean, there wasn’t one stinker in the bunch.

**John:** Hooray. Well, thank you, Stuart, for picking these out for us.

**Craig:** Yeah, Stuart.

**John:** Thank you for our writers — I guess there’s actually five writers, because one is a writing team — for sending these in. That’s very brave of you, so thank you for doing so.

One thing I would like anyone who is listening to this podcast to do, if they have a chance to, is we’re going to do [a survey of our listeners to see who you actually are](http://johnaugust.com/survey). Because one of the things Craig and I talk about when we’re not on the air — we don’t really talk much when we’re not on the air, but we do talk every once and awhile.

**Craig:** Well, that’s only because you don’t like me.

**John:** Yeah. There’s that.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** But I think I really do a good job on keeping a lid on my disapproval of your lifestyle.

**Craig:** [laughs] I don’t know if it is that good of a job.

**John:** I just pinch myself when I want to yell things.

**Craig:** Anyway, a survey?

**John:** We’re going to do a little survey to see who our actual listeners are, because we work under the presumption that most of our listeners are screenwriters, aspiring screenwriters, people who are fascinated by screenwriting because they have some desire to participate in it.

But, that may not actually be accurate. And so one of the things I’m curious about for this New Year, and I think Craig is as well: Who are our listeners; what kinds of things would you like to see more of in the podcast? Because some people love the Three Page Challenges. But we also get some emails saying, “You know, enough of the Three Page Challenges. Maybe do some other stuff.”

People seem to like the interviews, but I don’t want to be completely an interview show. So, we’ll just see what kinds of things might be possible for people and be interesting for people.

The other thing we need to figure out is how many people are listening to us on sort of a regular weekly basis, and how many people sort of drop in and then like blow through a whole bunch of episodes, and then like we never see them again.

So, if you would like to participate in the survey, it’s just like four questions long, there will be a link at the bottom of this podcast, but also it’s just [johnaugust.com/survey](http://johnaugust.com/survey).

**Craig:** Well-crafted URL. And, yeah, I would love to know. I’m constantly surprised by the people that do listen to it. A lot of people in the industry listen to it, which is gratifying, but surprising to me. People from all walks seem to listen to it, and yeah, everybody has different wants. I hear it all the time, “More of this, less of this.” And nobody agrees.

So, maybe we can get some consensus from all of you.

**John:** Yeah. “Less Craig,” is usually what I hear.

**Craig:** Oh, I mean, I do, too. Sometimes I hear, “No Craig.” [laughs]

**John:** [laughs] And perhaps people will tell us if they like One Cool Things or don’t like One Cool Things, but it’s that time of the podcast. Did you remember this, because I didn’t remind you this time?

**Craig:** I have The Coolest Thing.

**John:** Oh, great.

**Craig:** Yeah. Do you want to do yours first? Or do you want me to go first?

**John:** I’ll do mine first because mine is simple and actually involves you to a small degree.

**Craig:** Yeah!

**John:** My One Cool Thing is Starred Changes, which is if you are working on a revision of a script and you have changed something in your script — this is not even just in production, but just like as you’re going through it. You’re making some changes for a producer, for a director, and you want to show him or her what has changed in Final Draft or Movie Magic, you will turn on Starred Revisions.

And so it puts these little asterisks in the margins, and people can see, like, that’s the part that changed. And it saves people a tremendous amount of time because they can like flip through the script and say like, “Okay, this is what is different from this draft and the last draft.” So, Starred Revisions are a very good thing.

One of the frustrations I run into sometimes is I will need to be able to do Starred Revisions for the person who needs to read it, but I also need to do a clean copy for people who have never read it before so they’re not seeing the stars in the margins.

Craig, how do you handle that situation? Do you run into that situation where you have to do a clean and a dirty draft?

**Craig:** Yeah. What I do is when I’m writing — I have to anticipate that this is going to be an issue, of course, because if you don’t turn the revision mode on before you’re writing, it’s too late; you can’t go back and — I mean, you could, it’s just annoying to go back and manually asterisk everything.

But let’s say I’m working on a draft/revision level, and I have asterisks on. So, everything is asterisked. That’s my default position. And then if somebody wants the asterisked version I send it to them. If somebody doesn’t, I just re-save as a new file and then I wipe the asterisks, and I send them that one.

**John:** Great. So, in those cases you’re sending the actual file or you’re sending a PDF made from the file?

**Craig:** Well, the PDF typically.

**John:** Yeah. So I will save you probably an hour this year.

**Craig:** Oooh!

**John:** Oooh! You ready? Because for the script for ABC I’ve had to do a lot of those revisions, and so I’ll send the stars to Josh, but then Josh will actually turn it in so I’ll give him a clean copy , too.

Here’s the trick: So, you have stars in your margins, great. Save the PDF. And I usually label it, like, “Stars” at the end to show that that is the one with stars in parentheses. Then go up to Revisions and just choose the next color revisions. And the next color revisions won’t have stars for it yet. And so just be in the next color revisions and make it the new PDF. So, therefore, you don’t have to save the file again. You don’t have to do anything magic. You’ve just told it to think that it’s in the next set of revisions.

And then you save that PDF with “Clean” in parentheses, and you’ve saved making a new file.

**Craig:** Is that really saving me that much time? Because what I do is — I’ve got my file open. And I don’t mean to uncool your One Cool Thing, but tell me where I’m going wrong here.

**John:** No, that’s cool. Tell me.

**Craig:** I’ve got my file open. It’s all these asterisks. I want to make a clean version. I go to “Save as” and then I do “Command-A” and then I do “Command-Bracket” to get rid of the asterisks and I’m done. It’s done. It’s just click, click.

**John:** And then you are now going through and making a new PDF off of that, and the next time you want to go through to make more changes, which of those files are you opening? Are you opening up the clean FDX or the one with (Stars).FDX?

**Craig:** I see where you’re going with this. Because I am opening the one with Stars. And I am also advancing the revision level anyway, so your point is that I’m already doing that.

**John:** You’re going to have to do it anyway, so why don’t you just do it now?

**Craig:** Yeah, look, that is one…I’m going to give you this. It’s One… — “Cool” is too strong for this. It is One — what’s a good word? — Somewhat Potentially Useful Thing.

**John:** Oh, okay. So, Craig, in your folder now you have two FDX files that are identical except that you’ve scrubbed the revisions off of one, but you’re never going to want that clean one again, because that clean one doesn’t do you any good. So, you’re going to either throw it in the trash or it’s just going to clutter up and you’re going to have to wonder which one of these two things I want.

My solution — only have one FDX file that has that date on it or says, you know, Draft 2.

**Craig:** You’re right. It’s better.

**John:** You just don’t want to admit that I’m right, that it’s better. And so how is this marginal improvement not, you know, a One Cool Thing?

**Craig:** It’s marginally better. Look, you know what? Your initial assessment was correct. [laughs] Over the course of a year you will save me one hour.

**John:** Yes! I have saved you an hour. How can you not be grateful for an hour of your life saved?

**Craig:** Oh, I guess. You know what I’d do with those hours though? It’s tragic.

**John:** Yeah. Terrible things.

**Craig:** Terrible. Well, you know what I’m going to do with the hour. I’m going to spend it with my Cool Thing.

**John:** What’s your Cool Thing?

**Craig:** John, a few days ago I received my Tesla Model S.

**John:** That’s right! So, tell us all about it.

**Craig:** Oh, man, it’s the best car ever. Oh! Well, first of all I should say that there is, any time you talk about an expensive car everybody’s douche bag alarm goes off. So, let me just say in advance: This isn’t about the fancy aspect of it, because I really do believe that in five to ten years all cars will be like this car. I really, really believe it. It’s that good and it’s so much of a generational iteration past everything else on the road. It’s just every automaker is going to have to go, “We should just rip this off and just do it.”

The way that everybody ripped off the iPhone. Everybody had phones, and then the iPhone came along, and within a year every single phone was some version of the iPhone. It’s inevitable that it’s going to happen. And even Tesla themselves have plans for a much more affordable version of this car.

Here’s what’s awesome: I will say when it comes to the planet, you know, I’m not really — I don’t care. You know? That’s not my thing. I mean, I love the planet and everything but I’m not a crusader for the planet.

**John:** Well, you intend to die when you’re 50 and take your whole family with you, so it doesn’t really matter to you.

**Craig:** Precisely. I mean, when I decide to go out it’s going to — I’m going to take the whole block with me. But, what I love are things that work so much better that we use every day. So, the brilliance of the car, I mean, obviously, look, it’s all electric. One of the cool things about an all-electric car is there are no gears. So, you know you’re trained, you hit the gas, and the RPMs go up, and then you kind of ease off the gas and the automatic transmission goes to the next gear, and you ease up the next gear. So the car is like going fast, and then fast, and then, eh.

This thing you get everything all at once. And so it’s like being on a rollercoaster. I don’t know how else to describe. You know, the acceleration you get on Space Mountain that is sort of instantaneous throughout zero to whatever it goes to, that’s what it’s like in this car. Beautifully fluid.

You can kind of do almost one pedal driving, because every time you take your foot off of the accelerator, regenerative braking kicks in which basically collects electricity back into the battery and slows the car down. Every electric car has that.

Here’s the beauty of this thing: The car is controlled almost exclusively by this huge 17-inch touch screen in the middle of the car. And it is so much better than everything inside any other car. I mean, you have a fully-fledged web browser. [laughs] I don’t know what else to say. It’s so beautifully organized; you control aspects of the car from this thing. You have Google Maps with satellite. You want to go somewhere, it’s no more like fiddling with some goofy navigation system that somebody invented 12 years ago.

You just do it like you do at home. You just type in, “I want to go to McDonalds on,” you know, McDonalds is a terrible example. “I want to go to Spago.” Look at me, fancy guy. And it will just pull up, “Here’s three Spagos, which one?” You tap on it. You want to navigate through tap. Done. Boom.

It’s gorgeous. It looks so beautiful and I just feel like I’ve seen the future. I’m driving it. Everybody else has to be like this. It’s the coolest. It’s the coolest. You should get one. It’s the coolest.

**John:** Great. Well, I already have a Leaf which is the six months ago version of what you have. And so many of the things that you’re talking about, you know, the no-gears, the sudden quick acceleration, is terrific. And I have a center display but mine’s like four inches rather than your 17 inches.

**Craig:** Yes.

**John:** In that sort of dick-swinging aspect of it it’s very different. A question — when I told Mike that you got the sedan, his question is, because it has a much larger battery than our Leaf does, and do you already have your charger? Because if you’re just charging on the house current, that’s going to take like three days to charge.

**Craig:** Yes. I have a charger. Basically there is a high-powered wall connector that you can get to go along with it that you wire into a big honking 240-80 amp circuit. And that will charge. The Tesla Range on the big battery is — forget what they claim — in reality it’s about 250 miles which is extraordinary for an electric car. And you can get a full 250 charge in about 3.5 hours on this high-powered wall connector, which is nutso.

And so you just plug it in at night like your phone and every morning you have 250 miles which is more than anybody needs for normal driving. And if you wanted to do an actual road trip, like to Vegas, they have this even fancier, crazier, free charger in Barstow. And they also have two more in between LA and San Francisco. So, they’ve enabled road-tripping for free essentially.

The high-powered wall connector is actually arriving in a couple of weeks. So, as a stop gap, I’m using basically off of that same circuit a plug that is designed for electric welders, basically. It’s called a Nema 6-50. And that doesn’t pull the full amperage. It’s 40 amps. So, it charges, you know, again, overnight is a sufficient charge. But within a couple weeks I will be at a three-hour mega charge. And you can do it at night when your rates are lower.

And, I should mention, I’m also converting my house partially at least to solar.

**John:** Great.

**Craig:** So, I’ll be driving on sunshine as they say.

**John:** That’s right. We have a big solar system and it has been nice to see that between the solar and the car, you know, things are balancing out nicely. Particularly in the summer we’re able to generate much more power than we actually need to use.

**Craig:** I will also add that one thing that’s pretty incredible about this car is that for an all-electric vehicle with no engine and none of that stuff, it’s just a battery, it goes zero to 60 in like five seconds. It’s fast. I mean, really fast. Like slap your head back into the seat fast. Very cool.

**John:** Very cool. So, I would say for listeners who are intrigued by that, they should check out your car. For listeners who check the price on the website and realize, like, “Oh my god, I could never afford that,” I would also check out the Leaf because it’s been a terrific car. We checked out the Leaf and the Volt. I did not like the styling on the Volt at all. It felt just like every terrible rental car.

**Craig:** Yeah.

**John:** But the Leaf I like a lot. So, your choices may vary. But I agree with you completely that once you’ve driven an electric car you definitely see that that’s how things are going and as ranges keep improving it’s going to be amazing.

**Craig:** Yeah. And for those of us who live in traffic-jammed Southern California, driving an all-electric vehicle like this gets you the coveted white decal, which lets you ride in the carpool lane by yourself. Woo!

**John:** Well, Craig, you may not be aware of this yet, but the actual single best thing about the electric car in Los Angeles is that there is one terminal you can park at at LAX and you don’t have to pay the parking fees?

**Craig:** What?!

**John:** Yeah, so honestly, it’s kind of worth it to have the car just for that. We were able to park through the whole Christmas break and not have to pay for it.

**Craig:** Oh my god! No way. Which one?

**John:** Well, we’ll talk when we’re off the air. It gets really full, so that’s why I’m not going to tell you on the air. But they can Google if they really want to.

**Craig:** All right. Well, you’ll tell me off the air, because I don’t want anybody else to know about it.

**John:** It’s pretty magic.

**Craig:** In fact, we should edit this to say it no longer has that, so don’t even bother.

**John:** Done. Great. So, again, thank you for a fun podcast. Thank you for listening. If you have the opportunity, please take the three minutes it would take to go to [johnaugust.com/survey](http://johnaugust.com/survey) and let us know who you are and what you like or don’t like about the show.

And, Craig, thanks.

**Craig:** Thank you, John. See you next time.

**John:** Have a great week. Bye.

LINKS:

* Digital Entertainment Group’s [Year-End 2012 Home Entertainment Report](http://www.dvdinformation.com/pressreleases/2013/Year_End_2012%20cover%20note_FINAL_1.8.13.pdf)
* [Frankenweenie](http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005LAIIA8/?tag=johnaugustcom-20) four-disc set on Amazon
* LA Times on Wal-Mart’s [disc-to-digital service](http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/entertainmentnewsbuzz/2012/04/disc-to-digital-at-wal-mart-is-simple-if-you-know-your-vudu.html)
* Three pages by [Al Ibrahim](http://johnaugust.com/Assets/AlIbrahim.pdf)
* Three pages by [Keith Groff & Jonathan White](http://johnaugust.com/Assets/KeithGroffJonathanWhite.pdf)
* Three pages by [Nick Keetch](http://johnaugust.com/Assets/NickKeetch.pdf)
* Three pages by [P.K. Lassiter](http://johnaugust.com/Assets/PKLassiter.pdf)
* Tesla [Model S](http://www.teslamotors.com/models)
* The WolframAlpha Blog on [what Craig can do with that hour John saved him](http://blog.wolframalpha.com/2012/11/02/what-could-you-do-with-an-extra-hour/)
* [The Scriptnotes Survey](http://johnaugust.com/survey): A minute of your day. A lifetime of good karma.
* OUTRO: [Electric Car](https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/here-comes-science/id328953349) by They Might Be Giants on iTunes

Frankenweenie on video today

January 8, 2013 Frankenweenie

With the news that home video is finally [growing again](http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/envelope/cotown/la-et-ct-home-video-revenue-no-longer-falling-20130107,0,5751239.story?track=rss&utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter&dlvrit=71043), it’s the perfect time to point out that Frankenweenie is available today in the U.S., in both spinning plastic and digital versions.

The disc version comes in a bunch of different flavors — none of which I’ve tried firsthand. The basic DVD is just that. There’s a four-disc combo that includes Blu-ray 3D, Blu-ray, DVD and a digital copy, and a two-disc version with non-3D Blu-ray and DVD. (All links to Amazon.)

Digitally, the movie is [on iTunes](https://itunes.apple.com/us/movie/frankenweenie/id570830865) in both HD and SD incarnations. On the Mac and PC, the digital version includes special features, such as a new Sparky short.

Amazon has the [digital version](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00AOOIIVA/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=johnaugustcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00AOOIIVA) for purchase and rental, with HD available on Xbox and other platforms.

Animated movies don’t pay residuals like live-action movies, so you won’t be directly contributing any green envelopes in my future. But the more people who see it, the more likely it is we’ll be able to keep making odd little movies.

Scriptnotes, Ep 70: Best of Outlines, Agents and Good Boy Syndrome — Transcript

January 6, 2013 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](http://johnaugust.com/2013/best-of-outlines-agents-and-good-boy-syndrome).

**John August:** Hello, and happy new year. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** And this is Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Now, despite the fact that you just heard Craig’s voice, he is actually not here with us today. So I cut him in on GarageBand, and I feel a little bit guilty about that, but he says it’s okay. So, truly he’s alive; nothing bad has happened.

What did happen is that he and I both took trips with our families over the holidays, and kept trying to find a time where we could record a new podcast, and we just couldn’t make the times work. So, we will be back next week with a brand new episode.

This week, though, I thought we would take a listen back to some things from the very first episodes of Scriptnotes. This is about a year and a half ago. Our first ten episodes or so don’t show up on iTunes for whatever reason, so if you started listening to the podcast over the last year, you may not be aware of these early episodes, and so I took sort of a best-of from these early episodes.

First up, from episode 3, we look at outlining, white boards, and sort of how you plan out a script. Second, from episode 2, we go back and we look at how do we get an agent or a manager, which is that evergreen question we tried to address at the very start of the podcast; it’s still probably the most common question we get asked every time I open up the mailbox. Finally, from episode 8, we talk about the good boy syndrome, which is that way that screenwriters tend to want to please people, and that can be a very good quality but it can also be a very limiting quality. We also talk about surgery and gynecological issues — we used to talk about gynecological issues a lot on the show for whatever reason.

And that is our episode for today. So I hope you enjoy it. This is sort of a clips show, but as I rationalize it, this is my rationalization: screenwriting and television writing, the career of those things really relies on residuals, and residuals are for the re-use of preexisting material, so this is being very WGA in the sense that we are reusing preexisting material to entertain and educate you.

I hope you’re having a great New Years Day, and we look forward to seeing you next week. Bye.

[Transitional tune]

**John:** How do you start? Are you a whiteboard person, are you an index card person? How do you start beating out a story?

**Craig:** Yeah, I’m kind of an index card person. And I say kind of an index card person, because I feel like there’s actually a step before the index card person. I mean really, I’m a shower person. In thinking about it, all the fundamental breakthroughs that occur usually happen because I’m standing in the shower for 20 minutes thinking. And I don’t know why. That’s just where it happens, mostly.

**John:** That’s exactly where it happens for me, too.

**Craig:** Yeah. Shower. I don’t know, there’s something about that. And it’s sort of my little sacred place where no one can come in, and I’m alone, and I can just let my mind wander. And ideally I like to try to figure out the biggest things.

Beyond the idea of the movie, what does this main character want? What is the dramatic argument of the movie, the theme, whatever you want to call it, and what would be the most interesting story to kind of get this person from where they are to where they need to be? And I just start thinking there. But yeah, eventually I’d go to note cards.

**John:** The main ways I see screenwriters breaking stories is either index cards where each index card has one or two, or maybe it’s up to 10 words, that describe an important beat of the story. So, it’s not necessarily a scene, but it’s a thing that happened. So, if you write an action movie, it would be an action set piece. If it were a thriller, it might be a major reversal. So, some way of breaking down the important moments of your screenplay.

And those could be, you might have 30 cards for a movie, you might have 10 cards for a movie, you might have 100 cards for a movie. If you have 100 cards for a movie, you’re probably making too many index cards.

**Craig:** Too many cards.

**John:** Too many cards. But cards, here’s what I’ll say that’s good about cards is that it’s very easy to take up a beat and move it someplace else, and sort of lay them all out on a table and figure out how stuff works. A lot of people like to tape them up on the wall, or use Post-It Notes. When I do index cards — and I don’t always do index cards — I really like to have a big, flat table that it’s just much easier to sort of move them around. And, if you’re having to write with somebody, the table is good, because you can both stand there and take a look at this map that you’ve laid out. It’s like, this is how we would go through it. So, that’s index cards.

You can also do different colors for different kinds of beats. So, if you have action beats that are always on red cards…

**Craig:** Yeah, some people — and they color code them for the characters, so you can see, I haven’t been with this character in a long time.

Lately, what I’ve been doing is kind of short-circuiting the card thing entirely, and actually just recording my voice. I’ll sit with my assistant, and I just start talking through what I want to do. And I record it, and in talking, just as in the act, the physical act of writing, you can start writing.

There’s something about talking it through, where you can arrive at things, it unlocks you a little bit. The enemy of writing is silence, and inactivity. So, talking it out loud seems to be a big help. Now, I’ll take that, she’ll sort of take everything that I’ve recorded, summarize out the crap where you know, I’ll say, “You know what, not that — this,” and then she puts it into Microsoft Word and now I have an actual outline outline.

**John:** And then 20 years from now it’ll be like The Raiders of Lost Ark sessions, and someone will unearth the original audio and the original transcripts, and say, like, “Wow, that is how the Hangover III got figured out.”

**Craig:** Right. Except the opposite of that, in terms of its interest to people. Like, “Wow, this is the least interesting recording of notes ever.”

**John:** And that’s one thing I was using more when I was doing TV shows is the whiteboard. And the whiteboard is sort of ubiquitous in television-land as you’re figuring out your episode. You might be figuring out your season arcs, and you’re really figuring out this given episode, what’s happening in your episode. Generally, if you’re writing as a room, or all the writers in the room are trying to figure out how to do stuff, they’re all staring at one whiteboard, and they have everything marked down in terms of this is what’s happening.

Usually one or two people are empowered with the ability to write stuff on the whiteboard, but others…actual, just simple screenwriters use it too. I know Joss Whedon is a big whiteboard fan. You feel free to sort of erase and make a mess on a whiteboard in ways that you might not if you were doing note cards. Like oh, I have to rip up this note card and do it again. On a whiteboard, everything is sort of possible. And you can sort of scribble and draw arrows, and move stuff around.

**Craig:** It just seems like it would get so messy. Constantly erasing and doing and erasing and doing. Because I like to — with note cards, I use a bulletin board and thumbtacks, and obviously this is all academic, people should do whatever they want, but I like that I can, with my thing lately, is that I can make two columns. Because actually, I’m like, I don’t know why, I’m one of the few people in the world that makes the columns go columnar instead of rows. I don’t go across, I go up and down. So, as the Act One proceeds, it starts at the top of the board and slowly goes down.

And then — oh, you do that too? Oh, okay. So, that’s … so, I have one column that’s whatever the scenes are, and then to the left of that, I do a column and next to each scene, I have a card that sort of explaining why that scene matters. What is the purpose of the scene, what is the character intention. How is the story actually advanced in a way that has nothing to do with the plot, but the relationship between the characters, or the internal life of the character, and I found that that’s really useful, because it forces me to always think, “What is the point?”

You know, it’s one thing to sort of say, “I have to get from here to here, let’s have a big chase.” Okay. Well now, how could that chase actually be purposeful for advancing the character ball. And I don’t know how you’d fit all that crap onto a whiteboard.

**John:** It sounds like you’re writing a lot more information on each of those beats right from the very start. Let’s say, you were working on something that’s happening at the end of the first act. So, you have an idea for what the action of that is, and you’re sort of — the idea of the location: there’s going to be a big event at a carnival. So does your card say carnival, and then you have a second card that has all the detailed information about what’s happening there?

**Craig:** Yeah, no, I would do one card that says “Carnival — Maxwell realizes that the bottle toss game is rigged.” And then next to that I would put a card that says “Maxwell realizes that he should never have trusted So-And-So. He should have been listening to So-And-So all along; she was right.” So this way, I understand, it’s sort of like one column is what, and one column is why.

**John:** That does make sense. It’s a lot more detail than I ever got, and I would ever get into with cards. I’m always the person with a Sharpie, and I write three words on a card.

**Craig:** Oh, Okay. I see.

**John:** So, it’s a very different way of going about it. And I’ve seen whiteboards where they really do kind of get into that kind of detailed information, and so there will be a headline in blue marker, and then detailed stuff below it and you have to really squint to see sort of what’s in there.

**Craig:** [laughs]

**John:** And it’ll be one of the assistant’s jobs — like the writers’ assistant’s job — is to take iPhone snapshots of all the boards at the end of the day, and transcribe those as notes.

**Craig:** What I’ve been doing lately is having my assistant actually write the content of the note card on a little Word template with some sort of Sharpie-ish font. And then we can print them. And then if we want to change something, you know, I can just scribble on the card, or I can just ask her to change it, and then she can change it and print it again. Because, you know, we’ve sort of all caught up.

But, the truth is, whatever — I mean, this is my whole thing about outlining: for everybody who is sort of wondering, “Should I do it?” Listen: however you want to outline, outline. If you want to outline in great detail or less detail, it doesn’t matter. But I do think it’s really important to at least approach writing with more than just, “Okay, I have an image of a woman walking through a forest. Fade in: Forest — Morning.” These are how bad screenplays are written.

**John:** I will agree with you that many bad screenplays are written with just like, I have this one kind of idea, and no idea how to extrapolate from it. What I will say is that a lot of the screenplays where I’ve had the most detailed outlines, I’ve been most frustrated by the final results, and that I kind of got sandwiched in by the outline. And so some of my very, very favorite stuff I’ve written never had that level of detail or thought. So, some of them feel very organic because literally, it was like, it’s what the movie wanted to do next, versus what I as the author said should happen next.

**Craig:** Right. And I do agree that, I guess the way I would put it is this: You should always feel free to ignore your outline. But if all you get from your outline process is the beginning, the middle and the end, then I think you’ve already done your job.

[Transitional tune]

**Craig:** All right. Here’s the big question as we hit the midpoint of our podcast and everybody’s been really patient. They’ve listened to us talk about uteruses and the law. John, how do these people get a manager or an agent? [laughs] We ripped the Band-Aid off that 15 minutes ago. We’re still dancing around it aren’t we?

**John:** I think you get an agent or manager through…I can think of three ways. The first is recommendation. So someone has read your work, has met you, and said, “This guy is awesome. This guy should be writing movies for Hollywood and I’m going to take this script and I’m going to take you, introduce you to this agent or manager, and say you should represent this person because this person is great.”

If that person has the ear of the right agent or manager and there’s already trust and taste being established between them that agent or manager will read your material, say yes or no, and be interested and excited about possibly representing you. That’s how I got an agent, is a friend took the script I had written to his boss.

He was interning at a small production company. The boss liked it, wanted to take it to the studio. I said, “I really need an agent, can you help me get an agent?” He said yes and he took it to an agent he had a relationship with. The agent read it because this guy who he trusted said that it was worth his time reading. He took it, read it, met with me, and he signed it.

That’s a very, very common story for how writers get represented. Second way, I would say, is agents read material that they found through some sort of pre-filtering mechanism. A pre-filtering mechanism could be a really good graduate school program. If you graduated from a top film school and you were the star screenwriter of a USC graduate film school program, some junior agent at an agency is likely reading those scripts and saying, “Oh this is actually a really good writer. This is a person we should consider.”

Even without that writer hunting down that agent the agent was looking for who are the best writers coming out of these programs or the best writers coming out of a competition. These are the Nicholls finalists. Those scripts get read and those people will be having meetings with the people they think are potentially really good clients.

**Craig:** Makes sense. What’s the third one?

**John:** Just scouring the world to find interesting voices. I don’t know how much of this story is really accurate, but the apocryphal story of Diablo Cody is here’s a young woman who’s writing a funny blog. An agent reads the blog and says, “This woman can really, really write. She’s funny, she has a voice. I bet she could become a screenwriter.”

I don’t think all those details are quite accurate, but there’s always those writers who they were doing standup and they’re clearly very funny and someone sees their act and says, “I think that person is a performer but I also think that person is a writer and there’s something there that’s worth pursuing.”

**Craig:** I like those. Of course, all of them are predicated on you being a good writer and writing a good script, as is always the case, but those all make sense. I actually asked an agent at CAA named Bill Zotti, I gave him a call earlier today and I asked him the question. Of course, he groaned because it was that question, but he had a couple of pieces of really good advice that I figured I should pass along.

One is to make sure that, if you are specifically pursuing an agent, to really know who they represent and ask, “Is this agent appropriate for my material?” He said one of the most frustrating things is when he’ll get query letters or log lines for the kind of movies that his clients just don’t write.

Right now there are a lot of resources out there that are relatively inexpensive, like IMDb Pro for instance, where you can actually see, “OK, let’s say I write movies like Judd Apatow. Who represents Judd Apatow? Let me see. I write movies like John August. Who represents John August? Let me see.”

If I send that person a query letter and say, “Listen, I’m a huge fan of John August, I’m aspiring to write like John August, here’s my log line,” you might actually have a shot. Whereas, if you send it to a guy that represents writers who write rated R broad comedies, that person’s going to go, “Well what do I care? It’s not for me.”

Do your homework. If you’re going to go through the effort of trying to break the rocks to get a rep, do your homework about the rep. The other advice that he gave that I thought was pretty smart was to get a job in the business, which seems so blindingly obvious, but yet so many people resist it. I know why because it’s hard and it involves a commitment that you may not be willing to make.

He said listen, 80 percent of the people in the mailroom at one of the big talent agencies are not really interested in being agents. They’re there to learn the business because they want to do other things. They want to produce. They want to write. They want to direct. When you work in that business and you work in that place you get to know the other people there.

You work next to a guy who suddenly is now an assistant to an agent. You say to him, “Listen, I’ve written a script and I’m going to tell you what the idea is.” If he loves it he’s got a chance now to impress his boss with a great piece of material so he’s going to read it. These personal connections are invaluable.

It’s nearly impossible to do that kind of thing from Rhode Island.

**John:** Yeah. I would also say what your example stresses is the horizontal networking. Everyone always thinks, “Oh to become successful you have to meet more powerful people and get more powerful people to love you.” It’s really not that case at all. It’s been my experience, but it’s also been the experience of all my assistants, the way they got to their next step was by helping out everyone else at their same level.

They were reading other people’s scripts and giving them notes. Those same friends were reading their scripts. Eventually they wrote that thing that was, “You know what? This is the script I’ve been waiting for you to write and I think I know the right person to take this to.” It’s always been those people who were doing exactly the same stuff you were doing who were the next step.

**Craig:** That’s right. That’s exactly right. I think people should think, as they are horizontally networking, about how they should market themselves. The funny thing is Hollywood, with one hand is saying, “Get out, stay out,” and with the other hand, is saying, “Please, somebody show up,” because they’re hungry for new talent, they’re desperate for new talent.

Nothing makes them happier than a writer who’s better than a guy who makes a million dollars that they don’t have to pay a million dollars to.

They’re actually looking, believe it or not. If you can market yourself properly; for instance we have a couple of friends who wrote a pretty crazy script and just put it out on the Internet and marketed it as this insane thing. It caught on.

**John:** You’re talking about the Robotard 8000?

**Craig:** I’m talking about the Robotard 8000. You may say, “Why would you put your screenplay on the Internet, and why would say it was authored by the Robotard 8000?” Well, why, because they have agents at CAA and they’re working. It really got them a lot of attention.

Also, it didn’t hurt that other writers that people trusted were saying, “We read this script. This was really funny.”

Similarly, I’ll tell you, if I were 22 again and I were in a writer’s group, I would say…You and I didn’t have this in the 90s. Let’s get a web page for our writer’s group, and let’s just start blogging about the experience of our writers group. Let’s track the progress of our scripts and the log lines and the rest of it. If one of us catches somebody’s attention, suddenly our writer’s group has a little bit of buzz to it. “What will this writer’s group come up with next?” That’s why that Fempire thing was so cool, with Diablo…

**John:** Dana and Lorena.

**Craig:** Dana and Lorena. It was like, Okay. There’s a group. Now, it’s not really a group; they all have to write their own scripts. But something about it, there’s a little bit of sparkly dust to it. It’s interesting.

How do you make yourself interesting? Maybe then somebody will be attracted to your script.

**John:** We talked about marketing, but it’s really almost positioning. People need to know how to consider you, or what to consider you as. Here’s a terrible way to go into your first meeting: You wrote a really good comedy script that people liked, so they brought you in, a manager and agent sat down to meet with you. They say, “I really liked your script; it was really funny. What do you want to write?”

It’s like, “Well, I mostly want to write period detective stories with monsters.” The manager is going to hem and haw and make conversation for about another 10 minutes, but they’re not going to want to sign you because they were thinking about you as a comedy person. Let them pigeon hole you for five minutes until you actually get something going. They need to know how are they going to make the next phone call to somebody else, saying, “This guy has a really funny comedy script, but he’s exactly the right person to hire for your period action movie.” That just doesn’t make sense.

**Craig:** It doesn’t. Listen, these guys, what is their training in? Managers and agents are not there to tell you what to be. Their expertise is watching trends and patterns and pulling people out that fit what they believe is going to generate cash. They can’t tell you who to be. What they can do is see who you are and say, “That looks like money.”

So know who you are. Go in there and be who you are.

It doesn’t mean that you have to go in there as Michael Bay. Not everybody has to make $200 million movies; not everybody has to sell $3 million scripts. To be successful in this business, you just have to work. If I could walk into an agent’s office and say, “I will never make more than $200,000 a year, but I will make $200,000 every year for the next 20 years and I won’t bother you a lot,” that’s an instant signing. Why not? That’s great.

It’s not about how much you’re going to do, but just will you do. If you walk into an office and you say, “Look. I wrote this script and this is how I want to come off. These are the movies I love; this is the niche I want to fill.” If they feel like that’s a real niche and that niche needs filling, that’s a big deal. But they can’t tell you who to be.

[Transitional tune]

**John:** I thought I’d start today with a quote because someone on another message board had left a quote about writing, which was really good, that referenced a Winston Churchill quote. So then I looked up the Winston Churchill quote, and it was great. This is the original Winston Churchill quote, which someone will probably actually find was not really something he said, the same way that all great quotes are always ascribed to Martin Luther King but he didn’t really say them at all.

But this is a good quote. “Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement, then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public.” Winston Churchill writing a book.

**Craig:** It reminds me of… I think it was Antonioni. Somebody said, talking about making a movie, when you start making a movie your goal is to make a great movie, then as you proceed you just want to make a good movie, then at some point you just want to make a movie, and the last stage is you simply want to survive. [laughs] Very similar sentiment.

**John:** Definitely. I find any of the sort of project that takes months to do, I end up always going through that stage. I always think, “Oh, this movie that I write will be different.” I’m on my 40th thing right now. I just printed, about 20 minutes ago, I printed for the first time because I realized, “Oh, I actually have enough pages that I could print, and it won’t be embarrassingly small.” There’s actually enough that I could actually spend a good hour going through pages. I definitely find that manic depression, peak-and-valley thing happening.

A mutual friend of ours, who probably doesn’t want to be mentioned in the podcast, so I won’t mention her name, described when she was first starting on a project that she was sort of like a grandmother going in the ocean in that she would dip her toes in and splash some water on her ankles and then get back on the shore. Then she’d go in a little bit deeper and a little bit deeper, and eventually she’s in the ocean and she’s swimming, like, “Oh, I’m in the ocean. I’m swimming.”

That very much is what it is when I’m starting almost any project, is I’m always reluctant to start and then I finally get in and get going and recognize, “Oh, you’re more than halfway through.” Suddenly all the stuff that was keeping you away from the script starts sucking you into it. It sort of occupies every available brain cycle. I’m hitting that point in this project right now.

**Craig:** That’s a great time. There’s something magical that happens around page 70 for whatever reason, the notion that you’re leaving the forest and no longer wandering in. It just lifts you up. Page 50, for some reason, seems like the worst page to me.

**John:** Yeah, that’s a bleak time. Weirdly, on two recent projects I’ve had to turn in pages early because we could have theoretically lost a director. Both on Preacher and on Monsterpocalypse — I wouldn’t have lost Tim, but we needed to get timing and schedules and stuff figured out — I had to turn in like 45 or 50 pages.

Fortunately, they were a really good, strong 45 or 50 pages. And I felt really good about them, and people liked them, which is hooray, fantastic, that’s exactly what you want. But then to get the mojo back, like, oh my god, I felt like I was done to finish those 45 pages, and then you have everything else ahead of you. That can be a daunting period.

**Craig:** Yeah. I don’t think the people that employ us have any sense of how emotionally fragile we are when we’re doing this stuff. Minor interruptions, anything sometimes, can cause three days of downtime and fetal position. The truth is there’s nothing we can do about it. They have to do what they’re doing. We all live in the real world. We’re writing movies that require many moving parts and the participation of a lot of people. You don’t always have the luxury of being able to just go through the way you want to but, god, anything that stops momentum is the worst.

**John:** It’s rough. The challenge I always have if I get notes too early on in a project is I’ll start to question fundamental decisions I’ve made about a story. Thank god in the case of both of those two movies people liked it and said, “Go, write, full speed ahead.” But if they had said, “Oh, we’re reconsidering this aspect of it,” I would have been doomed. That’s the risk.

**Craig:** We should remember this. There’s a good topic to be had, I know it’s not today’s topic, but the notion of the Good Boy Syndrome, of how you balance being a responsible professional who’s open to criticism because oftentimes criticism makes us write better work, how to balance that with the demands of your own voice and your own instincts so that you’re not bargaining away what matters the most. That is an internal war. Sometimes you have to be a bad guy for everyone’s sake because you’re right. Topic for another day.

**John:** I don’t know. I would actually propose that we talk about that today. The topic we were going to talk about today was film school and I can sort of talk about film school any time, I have my notes here and I can get back to that. I love this idea of the Good Boy Syndrome is that most of us as screenwriters tended to be decent students.

If we weren’t teacher’s pets, we were at least responsible enough to get stuff done. A lot of times my early writing was getting my mom to read it and say, “Oh, this was really great.” She was proofreading it, but mostly it was, “Hey, mom knows how smart I am.” So we don’t want to be the villains, and sometimes we have to be the villains.

When I was first directing for The Nines, where I decided, “Oh, I should direct this movie,” one of the things I had to get out of my head was this sense of having to feel like a host, having to feel like the person who was putting on the event, putting on the party, and having to make sure everyone’s happy and comfortable.

That’s not my job to make sure everyone’s happy and comfortable. My job is to get this movie made, and I can be nice and polite and friendly while getting this movie made, but it’s not my job to make sure the gaffer’s having a great day. It’s my job to make sure the gaffer know what it is I need to have done or the DP knows what I need to have done, so that everyone can do their job properly.

As the screenwriter on projects, a lot of times so much of our work is theoretical and mushy and you could go 1,000 different ways and there’s not a huge time pressure usually. You want to be the good guy, you want to be the hero, and it’s not always the right choice.

**Craig:** Yeah, it’s not always the right choice. Think about two diametrically opposed extreme kinds of screenwriters, and they exist. On the one end you have a guy that is the classic resistant, defensive, “I’m not listening to you. I know what I’m doing. Don’t change anything. Don’t tell me what to write. You’re all idiots.”

When we look at that guy, we see someone who’s put his ego or his own fear or emotional needs ahead of what ultimately could be better for the movie. Because even if 90-percent of the people with whom you’re collaborating are idiots, 10-percent of them aren’t. Maybe even only one of them isn’t. Or maybe they’re all idiots, but the truth is one of them is going to be performing. You simply cannot do this job in creative isolation. Let’s call that the bad boy.

On the other end of the spectrum, though, you can have screenwriters who are so eager to please and over collaborate and who are steeped in enough self-loathing that anybody telling them, “I don’t like this,” triggers that impulse of, “Oh no, oh no,” that they agree to everything. Suddenly they find themselves under enormous, anxious stress because they are now writing toward pleasing people as opposed to making a good movie.

Both writers, in the end, will end up with a bad movie and negotiating within yourself, you need both sides of this or else you’re going to get crushed.

**John:** Yeah. That’s maybe a reason why some writing teams are successful is that one of them is that good cop people pleaser and the other one is the asshole who says, “No, we’re not doing that,” and you do need both functions a lot of times.

**Craig:** Yeah. I’m sure the roles change, one guy can be the placater, the other one can be the defiant one and then for the producers and the director, whoever else is on the other side of the script, they can see, “Okay. Well, at least some sort of truce is being brokered. There’s a negotiation happening.” But if it’s just you, you have to be both of those things at once. Very difficult.

**John:** In projects that have come in to do rewrite work on, especially in the weekly rewrite work, part of my attraction for that is I do get to be the hero. I get to be the good guy. I get to be the person who arrives and fixes this problem and makes everyone feel better about the situation and then I get to leave. That’s the remarkable thing.

You recognize that a lot of the stuff that you’re finding in the script, a lot of the cruft and stacked up bad decisions weren’t because the previous writer or writers were bad writers. It’s that they were trying to address concerns that other people had, often not the same person’s concerns. So the director needed this and the producer said this and the star said, “I really want a scene where I’m eating hamburgers,” and all those things got put into the script that weren’t necessarily the right choice for the script at all.

**Craig:** Yeah. When you come on specifically to help something they’re literally saying, “Look, we need things. Give them to us.” So your job is very clear and you are sort of rent-a-writer and you don’t have to get super visionary about it because you’re only there for a week or two. And sometimes that kind of detachment is precisely what the movie needs. It doesn’t always mean that you’re coming in to deliver hackwork. Your emotional distance may be very useful.

But when you’re writing a script from scratch or you’re doing a page one rewrite or something like that you do need a vision and you do need something that you must protect. I’m still dwelling on the fact that you used the word “cruft.” Is that what you said? Cruft?

**John:** Cruft.

**Craig:** What is that?

**John:** Cruft. My use of the word comes from coding, and cruft is extra stuff that’s in code that doesn’t actually do anything, it just junks it all up.

**Craig:** Like an inefficient…?

**John:** Yeah. Again, I’m probably using the term slightly incorrectly, but cruft to me is sort of like the breadcrumbs that are left from previous ways of doing things. So it’s the loops that don’t really need to be loops. It’s the extra stuff. So it’s not the comments. It’s not the actual explanatory stuff. It’s vestigial stuff that’s left.

**Craig:** It’s vestigial. I was going to say it’s like a little tail hanging off of a baby’s butt.

**John:** Baby tails.

**Craig:** Baby tails. By the way, that is not normal.

**John:** If you have a tail, you should probably see somebody because that could be a problem down the road.

**Craig:** It’s biological cruft.

**John:** I’ve had tail bone problems before and I think part of the reason why we have back problems is that our ancestors had tails and things just worked differently. From sitting in my chair for so much of my day I will develop aches in my hips and the sacrum, which is where your tail bone is. If I just had a tail I could crack something, but there’s nothing to crack.

**Craig:** The human back is the greatest refutation to intelligent design theorists. It’s the worst design ever.

**John:** We’re a series of compromises. Just like every movie is essentially a series of compromises. The human body is a huge series of compromises. We’re born at nine months not because we’re ready to be born, but because otherwise our giant heads would not fit through the pelvis.

**Craig:** Correct. That’s why the first two and a half months of an infant’s life are useless.

**John:** It’s the fourth trimester.

**Craig:** It’s the fourth trimester. Horses are born, they plop out, they stagger around for two minutes, and then they’re running around eating oats. We can’t even hold our heads up.

**John:** We’re sad and we’re pathetic.

**Craig:** Useless. We’re cruft. [laughs]

**John:** There’s a lot of cruft there. Because of this sort of biological problem, this engineering problem, the first two months of a child’s life for parents is just horrible.

**Craig:** Worst. The worst because your child gives you nothing.

**John:** Their brains can’t actually do any of the stuff that would cause you to have a parental attachment. They can’t smile at you, they can’t roll over. They can just poop and eat. We love them just because we have so much sunken cost into them during those two months. It’s tough. It’s not intelligent design.

**Craig:** I’m sure there is a biological, hormonal component to postnatal depression, but I do honestly believe at least half of it is the crash that comes from the expectation what it means to have a baby and then have no emotional connection to it. Babies, that first four, five, six weeks they don’t even recognize you. It’s awful.

**John:** My biggest frustration is couples, women mostly, pregnant women, who will go through this whole elaborate thing about exactly how they want the birth to be, because like with the birth is a big, bigger thing. And they haven’t planned for like two minutes after the birth. They know exactly how they want the room set up, and what they want the doula doing, but they haven’t figured out like, “Oh, what are we going to do in that first horrible month when no one is sleeping?”

**Craig:** That’s exactly right. And you know what? It’s people when they’re having babies — this is now, we’re once again back to gynecology, which I love — when people are going to have their first baby, they want to apply as much control as they can. But the only thing they can control is the birth, and they’ll get really, really finicky about it, but the baby upon birth dashes all of your plans to hell, because she’s screaming.

So that’s it. Plan’s gone. When I had my second kid, I didn’t care about any of that birth nonsense. All I cared about was lining up a night nurse. To me, that is like I would sell anything for a night nurse. I would rather have a night nurse for the first month of an infancy, for a new baby, than a car.

**John:** A night nurse, for people who don’t know, is a woman — generally — you hire and who comes and takes care of the baby overnight. Basically feeds and diapers the baby overnight, so that the parents can sleep. You don’t hire the night nurse for the baby. You hire the night nurse for yourself.

**Craig:** Absolutely.

**John:** So you get a night of sleep.

**Craig:** And you cannot imagine the difference it makes in your experience with this child. The day is annoying anyway, because the child gives you nothing and screams and cries and poops, but at least you’re not exhausted to the point of tears. You’re functional. Again, nothing to do with screen… Although it is, you know what? If you’re a screenwriter and you’re having a baby, you can’t write without a night nurse. So that’s it. [laughter]

**John:** Actually, I have a better way to sort of bring it back to the actual process of screenwriting is that these couples — these women who are planning for the birth, and they’re focusing all of this energy on the birth — are very much like the producers and studio development people who are focusing on the screenplay.

So they’re trying to make this movie, and they’re focusing only on this script that’s in front of them. But they’re not focusing on, like, “Oh, you know what? There’s actually going to be a movie.” And that the minute you start production and the minute you get to that first test screening and all the stuff down the road, they’re not thinking about that final movie.

They get so obsessed with this little one moment on this page, and making sure that thing is exactly what they want it to be, that they sometimes stop thinking about the entire… the actual point of the work that they’re doing, which is to make this movie.

**Craig:** That is a genius analogy. It’s so true. The obsession over minutiae when you’re writing a screenplay is entirely about people who are afraid — and we all are, not just them; all of us, everyone’s afraid of this — exercising control over it, but it is endlessly amusing to me that all the things that we all have god knows how many hours of conference calls over tiny little things get dashed to pieces when the director shows up and says, “You know what? On the day, I think it should just be this.” And everybody’s like, “Okay,” because you’re the director.

That’s like, “I’m giving you the baby now. You raise the baby, but boy, we really sure put a whole lot of time into thinking about what it should wear on Wednesday morning.”

It’s a perfect analogy, and the more you recognize as a screenwriter that many of the notes are about exercising control out of fear, the more you can actually relax about them. Because we get bad notes sometimes. They’re not trying to hurt you. They’re just trying to protect their fear level, which is extraordinary.

**John:** And generally, as you’re getting notes and you’re job as a screenwriter is to figure out who’s notes are really coming at you, and which are the important notes.

And the best analogy I can actually think of is something that happens every time you go into a creative meeting. You’re in somebody’s office, and an actual okay question to ask is, “Where should I sit?” because there’s one chair that the person who’s the most important person in the room wants to sit in, so you make sure that person gets the chair they want to sit in.

And you should be sitting someplace where you can look directly at that person, and you can turn your head and look at everybody else, but really you’re talking to that one person. And when you go into those meetings and you figure out who is the actual most important person in the room — that’s the same experience of these notes. It’s that you could try to address everybody’s notes and make sure everyone gets heard, but then you’re just being a good boy, and you’re not necessarily being a good writer.

**Craig:** That’s right. And the instinct or ability to determine who needs to be listened to primarily — that is unfortunately one of those things that requires some experience. I mean, I’m sure some people are better at it than others right out of the box, but for new screenwriters, you are going to have some dramatic, clumsy meetings where you blow it. And you just blow it because you’re learning how all this stuff works. In the end, everybody figures it out.

**John:** One of the very smart things my first agent, who in the last podcast I talked about how I let him go —

**Craig:** Oh, your first agent in quotes, the one that doesn’t exist?

**John:** Yes, who apparently doesn’t exist — my imaginary first agent. One of the smart things that he did or I did myself somehow, was he sent me out on fifteen meetings, like right away. And they were really unimportant meetings. They were sort of the junior executives at various production companies. And so they’d read my script and we’d talk, but it was mostly, I think, just to burn me through my first fifteen terrible meetings, so I got better at it.

**Craig:** Yeah, I like this. Yeah, that’s smart. Good… It’s sort of like spring training for meetings. I like it.

**John:** So we have a little time here, so I think I may jump ahead, and I do want to talk about film school, but I think we can tie a lot of this back in here. So we’ll see how this goes.

**Craig:** OK.

**John:** This last week I got to talk at UCLA. So it was a group of students who had just watched The Nines, and had watched God, the short I did with Melissa McCarthy before that, and so it was great to be sitting in a room with people who had just very recently seen the two movies I had done and could talk about them in a smart way. This was mostly a graduate group, some cinematographers, some directors, and I got to see what the UCLA Film School looks like, which is pretty nice. It’s not as nice as the new USC building, but it’s pretty nice.

And then over the last month I’d been up to USC three times to talk to students, both in the screenwriting program and some of the incoming freshmen, and it’s got me thinking a lot about film school, and college and graduate school overall.

So I made a list of eight reasons why you go to college or grad school at all, whether it’s film school or any sort of college program, some reasons why you’d want to go. As I’m talking, keep note of those and see which ones you think are actually important and which ones I’m just talking out of my ass.

**Craig:** I’m getting a pen. I’ve got an index card. I’m taking notes.

**John:** All right. Reasons to go to college or a grad school program. The information, literally so you learn this thing that you’re supposed to be learning.

Two, a degree or some sort of certificate that proves that you know how to do this thing. And in some professions, that’s incredibly important, like engineering — you have to be certified to be able to do certain things. Medical school, obviously.

Number three, access to special equipment.

**Craig:** Wait, wait. You need a degree to do medicine?

**John:** In the U.S., you do.

**Craig:** Oh, boy.

**John:** Yeah. Sorry.

**Craig:** Oh, boy.

**John:** Is this going to be problematic for you there, Craig?

**Craig:** Ooh, no. I, I… Send him out. I can’t do it. Not today. Okay, go on. Number three?

**John:** Number three, access to special equipment. For some things, that’s really obvious. If you’re doing nuclear engineering, you probably need some kind of special stuff, but even, like, a law library is sort of special equipment. It’d be hard to do law school without access to some sort of law library.

Number four, structure. That’s the sense that’s like, “That’s me learning calculus.” I never had a real calculus class. And so I kept thinking, like, “Oh, I could teach myself calculus.” But I’ve never taught myself calculus, because I would need the structure of having to actually work my way through the book.

The last four reasons are sort of people-related.

Number five, professors. Professors are experts, like the learned people in that field who are the teachers who will teach you.

Number six, peers, people who are there to do the same thing that you’re trying to do.

Number seven, alumni, people who are going to be helpful for your learning process, but ultimately to get a job and to sort of thrive in your career.

And the last reason, so these are kind of out of order, but the last reason is because you enjoy it, because you want to have a good time, and it’s a good way to spend a couple years.

**Craig:** None of these reasons are sex.

**John:** Well, sex is enjoyment.

**Craig:** Oh, I see. Okay, fine. Now I understand number eight. I didn’t understand until you said that. Okay.

**John:** I would argue that a lot of our traditional liberal arts education or our four year college education is really about the four years aspect. It’s like you’re taking kids when they are 18 years old and letting them grow up to be 22 years old without killing themselves, and they’re going to have sex in a safe environment — a safer environment — and drinking a lot, but they have a safe place to land.

**Craig:** All right, all right. That’s a pretty good list.

**John:** Of those eight, let’s think about film school, and which of those do you think are important for film school or not relevant anymore.

**Craig:** Let me go down the list. Info — of questionable importance for film, to me at least, and I’ll preface this by saying I didn’t go to film school. But I think that much of the information that we need to write good stories is available elsewhere. It may not be available to the extent or in the concentrated form, but that’s covered by some of these other things. So I’ll give it sort of a…

**John:** Partial.

**Craig:** …a partial. Degree — totally irrelevant.

**John:** Completely irrelevant. I have no idea where my MFA is. I have an MFA in film. I have no idea where it is. I assume I still have it someplace. No one will ever ask me for my film degree. No one cares.

**Craig:** No, no one cares. Special equipment — used to be the case. No longer.

**John:** Very true.

**Craig:** Used to need the moviolas and all the rest of it. Now, you just need a laptop.

**John:** It’s interesting looking at USC, because USC just built an amazing new complex for the cinema school, and at the same time, with their freshmen who are showing up there have 5D or 7D cameras of their own, and they have Final Cut Pro 7 on their laptops, so they’re able to make… Smartly, USC is having them make a lot of stuff right away, so they’re shooting stuff constantly and they’re doing it all on their own stuff.

And so downstairs at the USC complex they have these amazing rooms and rooms and rooms of Avids and George Lucas kind of special equipment. And there’s some special things it would be very hard to get any place else, like they have motion capture equipment and 3D labs and stuff like that that would be hard to find other places. But equipment is not nearly as important as it used to be. When I went to film school, you were going to have hard time getting a 16 millimeter camera any place else, and getting your film processed — that was all a big deal.

**Craig:** Exactly.

**John:** And now it’s not.

**Craig:** It’s just all gone, so that’s…

**John:** And, Craig, with your 4S, you have a better camera than anyone in film school had up until…

**Craig:** Isn’t that amazing?

**John:** …the mid-’90s, probably.

**Craig:** Yeah. It’s nuts-o. So, I mean, special equipment — certainly doesn’t play anymore. Structure definitely, I think, is a huge benefit of film school. You are forced by the demands of your curriculum to write, produce, cut, edit, do whatever else is required. It forces you out of your normal state of procrastination, so that’s a helpful thing.

**John:** A helpful thing.

**Craig:** Professor mentors — obviously, you can’t get them unless you’re… I mean, you can’t get professorial mentors unless you’re there. I would argue, however, that you can get mentor mentors elsewhere. You don’t need film school to get a great mentor. And frankly, one of the hidden dangers of film school is that a lot of times, the professors are slightly more academic than you would want, I think.

**John:** I think it’s a really valid question to ask about any film program you’re looking at, is like what have these people actually done? Do they really know what they’re talking about as it relates to the film industry right now versus the film industry 20 years ago? If you’re going to film school for critical studies, that’s probably much less important, because you’re talking about the history of film. Well, you want somebody old, that’s great.

**Craig:** Yeah, I mean, if you are trying to be a director, a writer, a producer, and you’re not going to NYU or USC or UCLA, I’m not really sure why you’re going to film school at all. Because I don’t know if they are attracting the kind of people that really can steer you in a smart way. I mean, maybe there are other ones out there, but sometimes I meet people who are going to film school at a tiny, I don’t know, Arizona State Film Studies program, I just don’t know why they’re there.

**John:** I would say that number six might be a reason why — it’s the peers situation. I think of anything, I think peers is probably the most important reason now to consider film school. It’s that I look at these kids who are in the UCLA program and especially the freshmen, entering freshmen at USC’s program, is they are surrounded by 100 other people who want to do exactly what they want to do, and want to stay up all night doing what they want to do. And that’s a huge help.

They can make a lot of really amazing things. The people who were most helpful for me as I got started in the film world were not the people I knew who were more powerful. They were people who were doing exactly what I was doing. I showed up in Los Angeles knowing 25 people who were exactly the 25 people in my film program, and those are the only people I really knew for two years, and they became best friends and mortal enemies and everything in between, but they were incredibly important to me.

**Craig:** But that would still, I think, and when we get to alums, it argues for going to an excellent program, because the better the program, the better the peers, and certainly, in the case of USC, NYU, UCLA, the alums are… That’s the one I said wait okay yeah, I mean, man I wish that I had had USC alums helping me out when I showed up. I didn’t have anybody. That’s obviously a big one. And then sex — I feel like, ah, it’s an expensive way to get laid.

**John:** It is a very expensive way to get laid. I think, you know. We’ve intended to label our podcasts very conservatively, but “an expensive way to get laid” is really a good title for something. [laughter]

**Craig:** Yeah, tuition, also known as an expensive way to get laid.

**John:** I think going to undergrad with that as one of your stated goals is completely noble and good, but you shouldn’t be paying $35,000 trying to get into a top-tier film program for just that reason.

**Craig:** Yeah, super bad idea.

**John:** Plus the people who are going to applying to a film school program aren’t necessarily going to be the most attractive people you’re going to meet.

**Craig:** Exactly, for $35,000, this man or woman should be spectacular and do everything.

**John:** Instead, they’re going to be able to talk about the early films of Tarantino, but that’s not necessarily what you want out of that.

**Craig:** That’s correct.

**John:** Let’s recap this list. What is still important about film school in 2011? Partial credit on the information. When I went to film school, the Internet really wasn’t what the Internet is today, so I couldn’t find out about that stuff. I had Premiere Magazine. That was my source of film information, so I showed up not knowing what the studios were.

I’d not really read a script, the first script I read was the printed script in Soderbergh’s diary for Sex, Lies and Videotape. So I’d seen kind of a screenplay, but it wasn’t even formatted properly. Now the Internet is lousy with information about that.

Certificate? Useless, you don’t need a degree. I would say if you’re going to film school and an amazing opportunity happens halfway through, bail.

**Craig:** Totally, what’s the point of going? It’s a vocational school.

**John:** A mutual acquaintance of ours, Jon Glickman, was in my graduate school program and bailed, and now runs MGM Studios.

**Craig:** It’s not like he just became successful. Jon produced the first movie he ever wrote. He and I began at the same time, and you don’t need… If you get the job, go. That’s the whole point.

**John:** But it was a good thing he was in that graduate school program with me, because I remember being in the elevator with Jon Glickman. We were going to a class, and Joe Roth was going to speak in the class. Joe Roth, who was running at that time… I guess he’d left Disney, was running Revolution, or was right at that time.

**Craig:** It was Caravan, the forerunner.

**John:** Caravan before Revolution. I’m in the elevator. It’s me and Jon Glickman and Joe Roth. This is before the class, and Jon Glickman, to his credit, and his audacity, is like, “Hey, I’m Jon Glickman, I really want to work for you. After class, I’m going to give you my stuff and I really want you to hire me at your new company.” Joe Roth did.

**Craig:** It’s amazing is that he went to go work for Joe Roth. Joe Roth was partners with Roger Birnbaum, and then Joe Roth went off later to do Revolution. Jon has stayed with Roger the whole way through. Talk about a fateful elevator meeting. You’re right, I guess that falls under peers and alums.

**John:** Yeah, getting to meet people who will help you. Access to special equipment, not nearly as important. I think there’s still some amazing things you’re going to be able to do at USC Film School or UCLA Film School that are going to be hard to do on your own, but the special equipment is a much less important thing now.

**Craig:** You know what, it literally comes down to lights. That’s the only equipment I can think of. Lights and maybe a dolly.

**John:** I would say some of the 3D stuff, and some of the gaming, there’s some really special digital things that USC does now.

**Craig:** Like mo-cap and so forth?

**John:** They have a whole mo-cap stage.

**Craig:** By the way, in five years, watch.

**John:** Five years, it’ll totally happen. We’ll have mo-cap, easily. Did you watch the Trey Parker South Park documentary? It’s really good.

**Craig:** I haven’t seen it yet. I’ve got to watch it, I love it.

**John:** They talk about the six days to air, so they do South Park episodes in six days. What’s encouraging to hear is that they used to spend a ton of money on the technology to make it happen, and now they’re just buying Macs off the shelf, and that’s mostly what it’s done on. They’re able to do it in six days because technology has advanced, not because they necessarily want to do it in six days, it just became possible. Structure, still important?

**Craig:** Yeah, I think so.

**John:** I think it’s really important, and having to get stuff done at a certain time is really important. A smart thing that USC is doing with their incoming freshmen is in addition to their class structure, because incoming freshmen, they have a lot of general ed requirements, so they’re taking a lot of stuff that’s not film related. They have this amazing game that’s being played this first semester where students are shooting projects constantly on their own. It provides a structure even though it’s not classically your education.

[Siren]

**Craig:** Siren.

**John:** I think they figured out that you’re not really a doctor, and they’re…

**Craig:** No, that was the ambulance I called for this guy. Just so you know, he was open, I was about to go in. We had him prepped, and then you dropped…

**John:** A crisis of faith.

**Craig:** No, you dropped this bomb on me all of a sudden that I can’t do unlicensed surgery in my office in Old Town Pasadena. Anyway, we wheeled him down over to the Cheesecake Factory, and left him there on the corner. He’ll be fine.

**John:** He’ll be fine. Cheesecake Factory is a pretty good restaurant, I think he’ll be fine.

**Craig:** He’ll be fine. Everyone’s such a baby about unlicensed surgery. God.

**John:** I know, come on. What is it, a manicurist can do your nails, but you can’t remove someone’s appendix?

**Craig:** This was a little more complicated than that, to be fair. I was doing a bypass, and I knew I was in over my head. I opened him up — sometimes I get excited about these things. I don’t think them through.

**John:** Again, women with childbirth. They have the doula, they have the whole water birth thing all set up.

**Craig:** That’s me.

**John:** Yeah, that’s you.

**Craig:** I got so excited about doing surgery, I really controlled everything up to the point where I was staring at a beating, exposed heart. Then I froze up.

**John:** Did you ever play the Macintosh game, the surgery game?

**Craig:** I totally did, I remember it exactly.

**John:** You had to draw with the mouse the little scalpel line. If you’d go too deep, he would start bleeding out.

**Craig:** I loved that game. They would also throw things at you, like, “Uh-oh, he’s going through bradycardia,” and you had to know, “Do I inject him with lidocaine or epinephrine?” And if you screwed up, the patient would die, and I killed thousands of Macintosh patients. Thousands, I don’t think I ever made anyone live. This is when I realized I shouldn’t be a doctor.

**John:** The thing about those early games is so many of them, you would just always lose, and then you just kept playing.

**Craig:** I think that’s why. It’s funny, they just released for the iOS platform this classic game called Out of this World, which was this gorgeous, rotoscoped game, revolutionary game from 1990. It’s impossible. I’d forgotten how impossible it was.

**John:** The nostalgic stuff being brought back to new platforms is a weird trend. There’s one video game I’m involved with that’s doing a bit of that. The fascination with pixel art I hope goes away.

**Craig:** It will. It was stupid to begin with, so we’re just remembering a stupid thing, and then we’ll stop, because it was stupid.

[Transitional tune]

**Craig:** We’ve often talked about the value of production for the screenwriter. The experience of seeing your pages produced will always make you a better writer, always. It’s so much easier to do that now, with actual expertise, than it ever was before.

Like you said, you could run around with a chunky VHS camcorder when you were a kid, or eight millimeter film, but then you’ve got to cut it, and edit it, and put it in the soup and transitions, all the rest of it. What you can do now almost compels you to do it. There’s no excuse to not.

**John:** At UCLA, they screened God, my short film, and that was a thing I made with Melissa McCarthy, and I’d taken part of the reshoot crew for Go, and we just splintered off and we shot the short film in two days at my house. That was $30,000 to do, and that was using short ends of 35 millimeter film and borrowing time on an Avid, and all those processing kinds of costs.

The thing that I can’t believe now is there’s just a superimposed title that says “God” over this opening tracking shot, and that was three days of opticals and $4,000 to get that one word over a moving image. Everything that we had to do to shoot God back in ’99 would be simple to do on any camera right now. We’d do it all on a computer.

**Craig:** No question. By the way, good on you for seeing how brilliant Melissa McCarthy was so early on.

**John:** I have a good track record of spotting people who will do well. After she got cast in Go… She was fantastic in Go. I watched the cut, and I was like, “My god, she’s terrific.” I bumped into her at Starbucks, and I said in that sort of brief, awkward seeing her again, “You’re amazing. I’m going to write a short film for you, and we’re going to do it, and it’s going to be great.” Then two weeks later I had her licking a parking meter for my movie. She used that as her audition real for years and years after that.

**Craig:** Yeah, she’s awesome.

**John:** People say, “Do I have to move to Los Angeles?” That’s the reason you have to move to Los Angeles. Not just so you got your first movie made, but that you bump into her in Starbucks again, and you make short films with her, and make a series of movies with her after that.

**Craig:** 100 percent.

**John:** We talked about a lot of stuff today.

**Craig:** We did amazingly well. I want people to give us some credit. I want credit.

**John:** I hear some applause, but I’m traveling back through time for it.

I feel like we covered a lot today, and I’m really glad we got back to the gynecological issues that really were the genesis of this whole podcast.

**Craig:** Eventually we’re going to have a huge audience that just comes for that. Next week’s podcast is entirely about vaginosis.

**John:** I like it. Things I know, we’ve gotten some reader questions, and I’ve put that up on the blog. Before we go, I’ll say this. If you have a question that you want Craig and I to talk about, if you want Craig and me to talk about it — that was bad — email at ask@johnaugust.com. There’s a big bucket of questions, and if you ask a question that would be interesting for Craig and I to talk about, we’ll talk about it. Other than that, thank you for listening.

**Craig:** Yeah, thanks. People keep coming up to me and saying they’re listening to this. They really are, that’s awesome.

**John:** Thank you, Craig, and have a great weekend. We’ll talk to you soon.

**Craig:** All right, bye bye.

**John:** Bye.

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