• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

John August

  • Arlo Finch
  • Scriptnotes
  • Library
  • Store
  • About

Search Results for: outline

Scriptnotes, Episode 591: Collective Narratives, Transcript

April 27, 2023 News, Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2023/collective-narratives).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** This is Episode 591 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters. Today on the show, how do we establish what happened in the world before the movie began? We’ll look at collective narratives and ways to get the audience up to speed. We’ll also discuss getting staffed and joining the WGA. To help us do all that, we welcome back our beloved Scriptnotes producer, Megana Rao. Welcome back.

**Craig:** Yay!

**John:** Woohoo!

**Megana Rao:** Hello.

**Craig:** Aw. Hi.

**Megana:** I’m feeling very shy.

**John:** Suddenly she’s shy.

**Craig:** Nothing’s changed. You’ve done this so many times. You’re good. You’re doing great.

**John:** She’s like the kid running around all over the living room before the guests come over, and the guests come into the living room and they hide back behind their parents.

**Megana:** Yeah, exactly.

**Craig:** You’re doing great.

**John:** Megana, we lost you because you went off to work on a television show, a Netflix comedy.

**Megana:** Yes.

**John:** On a scale of 1 to 14, how has it been working on this Netflix show so far?

**Megana:** It has been so fun. It absolutely rocks. I’m not saying that in a way… I don’t want anyone’s feelings to be hurt, but I’m having a great time.

**Craig:** Our feelings are certainly not hurt, although what were the odds that Megana was going to describe her current job as a 1 out of 14?

**John:** Exactly, like, “Oh, it’s absolutely torture, and all the people in the room who listen to this podcast, they need to know that it’s absolutely the worst.”

**Megana:** No, it’s the greatest. My head hurts from laughing so much every day.

**Craig:** Oh, wow.

**John:** It’s gotta be a huge adjustment though too, because generally, it’s been you and me or you and me and Nima, who comes in the office, and now you’re suddenly around a bunch of people all day. Has that been a huge adjustment for you?

**Megana:** Definitely. It went from quiet time with just you and me sitting next to each other in the office to around a dozen people just doing jokes and bits all day, talking nonstop.

**John:** Wow. Megana, in our Bonus Segment, because you’re coming back, I wanted to give you carte blanche to whatever you would like to do for a Bonus Segment. Do you have any thoughts about what you want to do for a Bonus Segment for this one?

**Megana:** Yes. I recently downloaded TikTok and have gotten sucked into get ready with me videos, which I believe you’re also familiar with, hashtag #grwm. I wanted to talk about those.

**John:** Fantastic. We are so unprepared to talk about getting ready with me, but you can get us ready for it by talking us through what we need to know about-

**Craig:** No idea what’s going on.

**John:** … getting ready with me.

**Megana:** Wait, really? You guys aren’t watching these?

**Craig:** Weirdly, no.

**John:** I have a sense of what I think they are. You’ll tell us. Our Premium members can listen in as we get up to speed with where Megana is already at in terms of getting ready with me videos.

**Megana:** Great.

**John:** Awesome. Some news, folks. The WGA Awards happened. It’s this past weekend as we recorded. It’s two weekends ago. No surprise that Everything Everywhere All At Once and Women Talking, two of the features that we had the filmmakers on to talk about, won first place, because that’s what we do. We pick the winners.

**Craig:** I really wish you hadn’t said that, because now we’re going to get more emails from more PR people.

**John:** You know whose problem that is? It’s Drew’s problem.

**Drew Marquardt:** It’s my problem.

**John:** It’s no longer Megana’s problem.

**Craig:** It’s Drew’s problem now. That’s wonderful, as long as it’s not our problem, although it is. We get them.

**John:** We get them too.

**Craig:** We do. Congratulations to Sarah and the Daniels. Very exciting. Listen, I don’t want to handicap anything. I’m not an Oscars expert or a pro or anything like that, but it sure looks good for Everything Everywhere All At Once going into the final weekend here, because the Oscars are coming up this weekend.

**John:** They will already have happened by the time people are listening to this. You’ll know whether Craig was wrong or was right. I think he’s probably right.

**Craig:** I feel like I am, but no one’s going to be watching the Oscars, because it’s the finale of The Last of Us, so oh well.

**John:** Good timing there. Good planning.

**Craig:** Sorry, Oscars. Sorry.

**John:** Megana, do you have any advice for Drew as he deals with the onslaught of publicists who are going to be asking for a prime spot on Scriptnotes?

**Megana:** Unfortunately, we don’t take solicitations for guests. It’s tough that we have this policy, because there’s a lot of cool guests that are being pitched out there. You two actually end up bringing on most of the guests that you’re interested in talking to.

**John:** In general, if there’s somebody who we’re really fascinated by, we’ll just reach out to them, and they’ll say yes. Occasionally, we have to go through a publicist. Back in the day, we used to go to Twitter, but now I guess it’ll have to be Instagram. I’ll reach out on Instagram and find these folks or Craig will meet them somewhere.

**Craig:** I don’t want people to feel bad, like if we haven’t had you on the show, it means we don’t think you’re fascinating. That’s not true. The other thing that I do say to people all the time, because it is true, is that we’re not really that show. We’re not a guest chat show. We’re a John and Craig talk about things that are interesting to screenwriters show, and occasionally, we’ll bring someone else into our marriage to spice it up a touch. Mostly, we’re monogamous. That’s kind of how we are.

**John:** If you’re a publicist who has terrific clients, there are so many great venues for you to be bringing those clients. Scriptnotes won’t be one of them, but that’s okay, because there’s lots of other great podcasts out there who will be happy to have them. Megana, we have you here only for a short time, so I want to make sure we get the most value out of your time here with us.

We have talked to previous guests about getting staffed. We talked to Ryan Knighton. We talked to Jack Schaefer about running a room. We talked to Megan McDonald, your predecessor, when she got staffed.

I want to talk about that transition period, because there was a time when you were taking a lot of meetings. You were just taking a lot of meetings and going out and meeting with people. What was that like? What was the process? You get the call saying, “There’s this show. They’re interested in you.” Then you’d have to get up to speed. How did you get the call? What prep did you do? It was a couple of months of work on some of these, and some of them happened really quickly.

**Megana:** I don’t think it was a couple of months on any of them. I feel like with lower-level positions, it happens really quickly. It’s week off. This one happened to be less than 24 hours notice before I went in for the interview.

**Craig:** Wow.

**John:** Let’s talk through going in for the interview before you get there. What is the call or the email from your rep saying, “Hey, there’s this show.” What are they telling you about it? What are you reading? What are you watching?

**Megana:** Somehow, for this show, my sample got passed to this showrunner, but my agent didn’t formally submit me for this role. In tracing back how it all came together, I’m actually not quite sure.

**Craig:** Wouldn’t it be great if this is where Megana found out that we did it?

**John:** Behind the scenes.

**Craig:** We just quietly paid them off.

**John:** It was us.

**Craig:** We’re like, “Listen. Megana-“

**Megana:** “We have had enough.”

**Craig:** “She needs to go. She’ll sit in the room. She’s not going to write anything. Don’t worry about it. She’ll just laugh. She’s great.”

**Megana:** “She’ll just giggle.”

**Craig:** “She’ll just giggle. Then just send her home. For God’s sake, she’s gotta go.”

**Megana:** Did you guys actually do that?

**Craig:** Yeah, we did that.

**John:** No, that’s not true at all.

**Craig:** No, it’s what happened.

**John:** There was a friend of ours in college who our ongoing bit with her was that her parents were paying us to be her friend.

**Craig:** Aw.

**John:** Whenever she’s like, “You’re being mean to me,” it’s like, “Your parents’ check didn’t clear.”

**Craig:** Wait, we have to explain to them what checks are.

**John:** Here’s a good tie-in to that. Megana, literally the day before you got staffed on the show, you were in the office and we were talking about what a check was. You had a revelation about something you had never realized before about checks. Is that correct?

**Megana:** Yes, but I’ve already forgotten what it was. There’s a form on the back of checks, and you’re supposed to do something with it.

**John:** Yeah.

**Craig:** Good lord. You endorse it.

**John:** You endorse it. You sign it for a deposit or for deposit only. That was a new thing for checks for you.

**Megana:** What happens if you don’t do it? Because I’ve never done that for the three checks I’ve written.

**John:** I think it actually doesn’t matter anymore, because now you’re just putting the thing on the ATM, and so it doesn’t matter.

**Megana:** Got it.

**John:** Technically, you should be doing that.

**Craig:** There was a while where I never did it. Then with the advent of digital deposits, where you take a picture of your check, the algorithm needs you to sign the back of it or it kicks it back at you, so we’re back to it.

**Megana:** The other thing I didn’t realize is that checks were numbered. That was the big surprise.

**John:** That was a big one. I wanted you to say it rather than me say it.

**Craig:** What?

**John:** The checks are numbered sequentially.

**Craig:** What? You didn’t notice that there was a number on each check that got bigger with each check that you went through?

**Megana:** Craig, there are a lot of numbers on checks, and I don’t go through checks.

**Craig:** First of all, how dare you? You have to come at this with some humility, because that’s crazy.

**Megana:** I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a check before, but there’s-

**Craig:** There are a lot of numbers on it. I’m like, “Oh yeah, you’re making a great point.” Wait, no, you’re not, because all the numbers on the bottom of a check are in that weird check font, but then there’s a normal font in the top right, or that’s usually where it is, which is just a four-digit number. John, are we-

**John:** Old? Yeah.

**Craig:** God.

**John:** She grew up in a time when checks were just no longer a thing. They’re not a thing now. There was never a period where she needed to worry about a checkbook and the sense of, “Oh, did I grab the right checkbook?” It doesn’t matter, because she never had to deal with it.

**Craig:** Did you have the same experience that I did, John, in high school, where we took half a semester in some class that was like home ec? I don’t know what else you would call it. It was learning how to write checks and keep track of them in the white parts of the checkbook that no one ever uses except old, old, old people.

**Megana:** Aw.

**Craig:** I know. Aw, we’re cute.

**John:** I think it was part of our math unit. I think it was just built into basically that.

**Craig:** That’s awesome.

**John:** I think we were explained what a mortgage was.

**Craig:** You get to pause on math and then they just make you do checks?

**John:** Probably math.

**Craig:** That’s crazy.

**John:** Also, they shoved logic into the geometry section. They’d have to find a place to do it.

**Craig:** Technically, geometry does require proofs and theorems.

**John:** It’s logic.

**Craig:** A lot of logic. I don’t really think they shoved it in there. I’m going to challenge you on that.

**John:** We’ll see.

**Craig:** I’m fighting today. I’m fighting everyone.

**John:** How would we find the answer to this? Where is the source of truth people go back to? What was the curriculum in Fairview High School in 1987? Who can find that out? If you’re a listener who could tell me when I learned about checks, that would be fantastic.

More crucially for screenwriter issues, I want to get back to, in general, Megana, as you were hearing about a show, your reps were trying to set up a showrunner meeting with you on the show, what are they sending you? What kind of prep can you do for that?

**Megana:** Typically, I would get at least a pilot script, maybe a couple of other scripts, and a little blurb that my agent would send with a log line and a little synopsis of where the season was going. Oftentimes, that’s been it.

**John:** Do they give you some sense of why they’re meeting with you? Is there a specific role they might be looking for you for, like, “We need a funny person.” Because talking with showrunners, it seems like sometimes they’re casting rooms to make sure, like, “We need somebody who’s really good at mysteries. We need somebody who’s good at structuring a one-hour show, someone with this kind of experience.” Do they give you a sense of why they’re meeting with you, or just you’re on their list?

**Megana:** I’ve never really had that information beforehand. I’ve tried to come up with a pitch based off of those materials, but typically, I don’t think so.

**John:** You’ve had a little bit of time to prep. You’re going in and meeting. Are you actually going in meeting somebody, or is it all just Zooms at this point?

**Megana:** My interview was in person, and the room’s in person, which I am so thrilled about.

**John:** That’s great. Has that been typical for all the showrunner meetings you’ve been taking over the last couple months?

**Megana:** No, I think this is the first one. In the past few months, it’s been like, “Hopefully, we would do something in person or hybrid if possible,” but this is the first one that’s been like, “Nope, we’re definitely physically here.”

**Craig:** Do you feel the love being in person? I certainly prefer it, but I know that that’s been the way it’s always been with me, that people I’ve worked with have been in the room, and then there was this brief interruption. For you, since you haven’t had the experience of a writing room really until now, does it feel good knowing that you’re there in person or is it a 50/50?

**Megana:** I’m so happy that we’re in person. Everyone in this room has had prior relationships with each other. I can’t imagine coming into this room over Zoom and not having the ability to make small talk on the way up the stairs or in the coffee room. I just think it’s been hugely important. Also, the energy of being there together is not something that you can easily replicate.

**John:** Especially for a comedy. It’s a sense of was that funny in the moment, was it funny in the room, did it actually land. I feel like that’s much more important for something like this. If you’re doing a very structured procedural, it may not be as important that you all physically be in the same space, because it’s not going to have the same vie.

**Megana:** Totally. I think I didn’t appreciate how much of the job is just reading body language. You just can’t do that over Zoom in the same way.

**John:** A thing we’ve heard from a bunch of showrunners and also previous staff writers on the podcast is that it’s hard when you’re first in a room to know when to speak up, when to stay quiet, what the first thing is you should actually say, the first pitch you should give. Is that the experience you’ve found? What was it like based on your prior expectations based on Scriptnotes versus being there in person?

**Megana:** I don’t know. I guess I’m still figuring it out. Luckily, my showrunner is very into mentoring, so I have felt very supported through this process. I think it’s certainly something I’m still navigating.

**John:** A question we often get is, if you are a staff writer in this room, on a daily basis what are you actually writing? Are you taking notes? Are you doing anything, or is it just entirely your brain, and you’re talking in the room? Is there anything that you are actually physically writing at this point?

**Megana:** It’s mostly talking, but we’ve recently started working on outlines.

**John:** That’s exciting. You said there were maybe a dozen people in a room. Does that include support staff? Because we obviously talked a lot about support staff on this podcast. Who’s in the room on a supporting level, who’s not a writer?

**Megana:** There’s a script coordinator and a writing assistant.

**John:** Are they just there to physically write stuff down and move stuff around, or are they contributing as well? Are they speaking up, or are they mostly there to make sure everyone else is facilitated?

**Megana:** Both. They’re definitely speaking and contributing. The room is just so many whiteboards.

**Craig:** You don’t want to give anything identifying here in terms of size, but is there ever any frustration, asks the guy who works alone, with either some people talking too much, some people never talking, having something to say but waiting and then it’s too late and then we’ve moved on? How do you deal with the frustration of a large group of people talking about something?

**Megana:** I don’t think I really have to deal with the frustration of it, but a lot of these people are very seasoned writers, and there’s a certain pace and momentum that they just understand. The showrunner is so great, because he’s really responsive to what everyone says, but he’s also very clear on the direction that he’s looking for, the types of things that he’s looking for.

**John:** It also helps that you’re not coming in from scratch. There’s already a sense of what this show is or at least what the show is supposed to be. You didn’t come in on day one of this. That also helps a little bit too, that there’s some sort of structure, a sense of what this is that you’re trying to make.

**Megana:** Totally.

**John:** Megana, when I took you out to celebrate getting staffed on a show, one of the things [inaudible 00:15:19] you can potentially be joining the WGA based on this show, based on staffing on this show, which would be so exciting, because we’d get another WGA member in our fold. I realized that we’ve never actually talked on the podcast, or at least not recently, in 591 episodes, about the actual point system it takes to join the WGA, because it’s not just a club that you sign up for you. You actually have to qualify to join.

**Megana:** I had no idea how any of this worked.

**Craig:** Few do. Few do. This is arcane knowledge that only the oldest of wizards and witches know about. You know when Gandalf goes to research the ring and he goes into that super old library and finds some scroll and he’s reading and goes, “Oh,” and then he’s running back? That’s me.

**John:** You are the old scroll.

**Craig:** There’s somebody on Twitter who was doing the thing that people do on Twitter, professing his great knowledge about the screenwriting world, as often. One of the things he said was, “A lot of people don’t know that just because you sell your spec script, that doesn’t mean that you automatically become a WGA member.” Yeah, it does. Then I was like, “Okay, I don’t know where the misconception is,” but let’s talk through how it actually works, because it’s weird.

The way it works is there’s units. To become a full-fledged, current, active member of the Writers Guild of America West, you need to get 24 units at a minimum. You have 3 years to accrue those 24 units, or the ones that start to expire, basically. You need to figure out how to get your 24 units in within 3 years, at which point, hooray, you’re a member. The thing about selling a screenplay, if you sell a screenplay for a feature length theatrical motion picture, boom, 24 units, you’re done. Welcome to the Guild.

**John:** Craig, I want to raise one potential hand here. In theory, someone who’s not a WGA member, could sell a spec screenplay to a company through their nonsignatory arm and not join through that. There’s ways I’m sure this had happened in the past, where someone has sold a thing and it’s not happened for them.

**Craig:** If you sell a screenplay to a nonsignatory, you get zero units, and may God have mercy on your soul. What he specifically said was you have to sell your script, and then you have to do another pass on it. That is not the case, although you weren’t guaranteed another pass on it. It’s part of our deal. The tiniest amount of units is two.

I think this is the way a lot of people get into the Guild. Each complete week of employment within the Guild’s jurisdiction on a week-to-week basis gets you two units. If you’re hired as a staffer on a show, and you are in the room, covered by your employment deal for 12 weeks, boom, Writers Guild. You’re in. That’s 24 units.

**John:** That’s the way it helps for Megana.

**Craig:** Indeed.

**John:** She’s accruing two units per week.

**Craig:** Two units per week. There’s lots of things in between writing a story only, writing a short film, writing a radio play less than 30 minutes, shall be prorated in 5-minute increments. These rules have been around for a long… Like I said, Gandalf in the library.

**John:** You can tell these are old.

**Craig:** The story for a TV program of less than 30 minutes, again, prorated in increments of 10 minutes or less. I think it should be 10 minutes or fewer. In any case, there are lots of subdivisions, but the point is, the way most people get into the Guild is either through selling a screenplay for a feature film or working week to week as a staffer and getting those 12 weeks under their belt, at which point the Guild calls you and says, “You owe us money.”

**John:** That’s one of the exciting calls you love to get. Craig, I got into the Guild because I was hired to write a feature screenplay, which is 24 units of credit, for How to Eat Fried Worms. It was for [inaudible 00:19:22] Pictures, which is a Guild signatory. I got the message from the WGA saying, “Hey, congratulations. You are now eligible and must join the Guild and the pay $3,500.” It was some pretty significant fee to join. Then you are in the Writers Guild, and you’re there for good until you could go post-current at some point. You were then in the Writers Guild and you are fully a member thereof. Craig, what was your thing that got you in?

**Craig:** I was the same. With a writing partner of mine, we sold an original screenplay idea to Disney, and we were hired to write the screenplay. Of note, both of us immediately accrued 24 units. It wasn’t like they spread the units, 12 and 12.

I have never had a faster call in my life from a union. I don’t know how they found me. It was like seconds went by, and then suddenly the phone rang, and then they were like, “Hey, kid.” There was a woman who used to run that department. I can’t quite remember her name. She was a very nice lady, but older. It was like they sent the tough lady after you, like, “Listen, kid, you owe us money.” I was like, “Okay, great.”

What was funny at the time, of course, was LOL, I hadn’t gotten paid anything, and neither had my writing partner. We both owed each the full initiation fee. I was like, “I’m out of money now. I don’t have any money. I just gave it all to the Writers Guild. This is going great so far.”

Obviously, all said and done, a fine thing to get into the union. You just have to be ready and prepared, particularly if you’re endeavoring to get into the Writers Guild. If you want to be optimistic, and I think you should, sock the initiation fee away. What is it, $2,500?

**Megana:** Mm-hmm.

**John:** I think so.

**Craig:** Sock that away. You’ll need it.

**Megana:** The one funny thing in the communication is that it was like, this assumes that you live West of the Mississippi River. I was like, “I’ve never thought about where I live in those terms.”

**Craig:** Unfortunately, we have two Writers Guilds. Ask me why, Megana. Ask me why.

**Megana:** I can tell you’re in a fighting mood-

**Craig:** Do it. Do it.

**Megana:** … which is why we don’t record evenings.

**Craig:** Ask me. Ask me.

**Megana:** Craig, why do we have two unions on opposite sides of the Mississippi?

**Craig:** Because we’re dumb. We are dumb. We weren’t dumb. Back in the old days, the business was divided between New York and Los Angeles. New York handled a lot of television, and Los Angeles handled a lot of other stuff. New York in particular handled all the news and stuff like this. Then shortly thereafter, everything just ended up in LA, but we still kept this weird, archaic structure, where we have the Writers Guild East and the Writers Guild West.

We negotiate together. We have the same minimum basic agreement. There’s no reason to have two unions. It’s all so stupid. For the love of God, they were able to put Berlin back together. The dividing line between the East and the West per chain-smoking, bourbon lunch drinking from 1943 was the Mississippi River. I’m sure it was a difficult compromise to make. It’s so silly.

By the way, anybody in the Writers Guild West can, by choice, join the Writers Guild East, and vice versa. It’s just so stupid. I’m glad you asked, Megana. I’m glad you asked.

**Megana:** I’m not.

**Craig:** You asked.

**John:** Just to close out the topic, let’s say you were hired to do a rewrite, not to do a full first draft. That would count for one half that number of credits. A polish is one quarter. An option can do a thing, which I’ve never heard of somebody getting into the Guild through options, but theoretically it’s possible. We’ll put a link in the show notes to the full explanation of things. Megana, I’m curious, because you said that you got this email. Did you get an email from the Guild saying, “Hey, this is your path to joining the Guild.”

**Megana:** Yes. They were like, “So-and-so has told us that they’ve employed you,” and then this big email with lots of attachments.

**Craig:** We got our eye on you, kid.

**John:** In the case of Megana, she’s working on a Netflix show. There is a thing called a work list. Every week, the employers have to report who is writing for them. Craig, they could’ve found you through a work list, but they also could’ve just found you through Variety. There’s some article that you sold a thing.

**Craig:** I don’t know. They were on it fast.

**John:** Love it. I love that kind of efficiency. I want to get to our marquee topic here. I am writing something right now that is set in 1962. I say 1962, you think, oh, it’s the ‘60s, but really 1962 is not the ‘60s. It’s sort of more the ‘50s.

We have this desire to decade-ize time, and things don’t fit nicely. Yet it’s so helpful that we can talk about the ‘40s, the ‘50s, the ‘60s, the ‘70s, and have an image of what it is we’re talking about. There’s a shared collective understanding of like, we don’t have to agree on exactly what happened in that decade, but we can at least agree on what everyone thinks about that decade. If I say it feels like the ‘70s, we get a sense of what that is.

I’ll put a link in the show notes to this article by Noah Smith, who’s talking about conceiving the 2000s. Weirdly, the 2000s and the 2010s, I don’t feel like we do have a good sense of what those are like. We haven’t decided on a collective narrative for what those feel like. There’s moments in there that we can point to. Even when we were living in the ‘90s, I think we could point to the ‘80s and say, “Oh, that feels very ‘80s.” It’s hard for me to say, “Oh, that feels very 2000s,” or it feels very 2010s. We haven’t found a good collective narrative about what those decades are like.

I thought we might talk about why collective narratives like that are useful for screenwriters in framing things in real world things, but also important for establishing collective narratives for the characters inside your world, if you’re creating a world from scratch, because we look at fictional worlds, like what happened with the Snap at MCU or how the robots came out sentient in the Terminator universe. The characters in that world know that stuff, but we have to tell the audience all the stuff that normal characters in that world might know. I thought we’d spend a few minutes talking about both why it’s important and how we establish those things in the fiction worlds they’re creating.

**Craig:** You’ve got to start, I guess, with culture. It seems weirdly as we are creating culture, we are studying culture, and the snake eats its own tail, as the uroboros [uh-RAH-boo-ruhs] does. That’s right, I said uroboros [uh-RAH-boo-ruhs].

**John:** I would say ouroboros [or-uh-BOR-ohs]. You say uroboros [uh-RAH-boo-ruhs]?

**Craig:** I think it’s uroboros [uh-RAH-boo-ruhs]. I don’t it’s ouroboros [OR-oh-BOR-uhs], because that would be… It might be.

**John:** I think I’ve heard it said ouroboros [or-uh-BOR-ohs] though.

**Craig:** Here we go.

**John:** I’m not sure.

**Craig:** Hey Siri, how do you pronounce uroboros [uh-RAH-boo-ruhs]? It said, “How to pronounce Robert Henry Rose.” I guess I should realize that that was going to happen, because if I’m mispronouncing it, then it won’t know. If I’m pronouncing it correctly, I didn’t need to ask. I’m going to the dictionary.

**Drew:** Google says uroboros [yur-oh-BOR-uhs].

**John:** I was close though.

**Drew:** You were close.

**Craig:** That’s really close.

**John:** Uroboros [yur-oh-BOR-uhs].

**Craig:** I’m going to give that to you. I think that you’re right, because you said ouroboros [or-ruh-BOR-ohs], but the adding of the Y, that’s insignificant compared to my uroboros [uh-RAH-boo-ruhs], which is just wrong. Uroboros [yur-oh-BOR-uhs].

**John:** Uroboros [yur-oh-BOR-uhs].

**Craig:** The nature of the uroboros, we obsess over pop culture and/or just regular culture, high culture, low, it doesn’t matter, as signposts for the world around us. Clothing is maybe the most immediate thing that we think of. Then music is a hot second right behind clothing.

**John:** Definitely.

**Craig:** Hair is right there in third place. Then in fourth place you will often see fads, the things that captivated culture at a time. In the 2000s, for instance… Were Tamagotchi big in the early 2000s?

**Megana:** That feels like ‘90s.

**Craig:** Late ‘90s.

**Drew:** It’s the late ‘90s.

**Craig:** That feels like ‘90s. Something that just comes along where people are like, “Oh my god,” obsess over something from 2003. That sort of thing paints this broad sense of where we are.

More than anything else, I suppose the other thing we do draw from are these main historical events. It seems like in half of the movies about the ‘60s, somebody will run into a room and go, “Did you hear about John F. Kennedy’s been shot?” He gets shot constantly in those movies. That’s understandable. Makes sense.

**Megana:** It’s interesting in the examples that Craig brought up, I would associate most of those things with teen culture, but teens, I don’t know, they’re not typically creating culture. They’re responding to it.

**John:** I think teens are often creating culture. I think stuff does bubble up there, because Craig’s examples were fashion, music, and hair, but if you think about the decades that we can actually distinctly remember, it’s when those three things intersected. ‘90s, you have grunge. ‘80s, you have hair metal. You also have ‘80s fashion. ‘70s, we have a look. ‘60s, ‘70s, we have the hippies. Again, music, fashion. ‘50s, the Beatles. We have all these things that are gathered together. It’s that perfect storm. It’s really teens who are creating that culture.

Beyond just the culture, what this space feels like, there’s a sense of a shared story about how we got to this place. We have a collective narrative about the fall of Roman Empire. We don’t need to know the details. It’s just like, oh, the Roman Empire got really big, and then it collapsed.

**Craig:** Too big.

**John:** Too big.

**Craig:** Too big.

**John:** Too big. Got too big, got too spread out, the fall, fiddling while it all burned. We have a sense of a collective story about how the first peoples arrived in North America. That’s the crossing of the land bridge. We don’t need to know the dates of it. We just know that essentially the land was pretty empty and then a bunch of peoples crossed over the land bridge from Alaska, spread out over the whole North and South America and Central America, and that’s how people got here.

Those are helpful things that we can assume that anybody watching our stories would understand. We wouldn’t have to explain those to people. Yet if we were doing a fictional world… Need to explain the Empire or the Federation in Star Wars or Star Trek. You gotta be doing some work there to get up to speed, where any character within that world would already know that stuff.

**Craig:** Knowing things and figuring out what your audience knows is actually trickier than you think, especially the older you get. One of the things that happens as we get older is we start to take for granted that people know stuff that we know that they don’t, and similarly-

**John:** That the checks have numbers on them.

**Craig:** Correct. Conversely, there’s a whole bunch of stuff we don’t know, and we don’t know that we don’t know it. That’s how you become out of touch. That’s how your references get dated. That’s also how you make missteps and incorrect assumptions. What we assume about what the audience knows is essential. Otherwise, we are either wasting time telling them stuff they already do or we are presuming they know things that they don’t, and they just won’t understand what’s going on.

**Megana:** As you were talking, I was thinking about, Chernobyl is obviously so rooted in time and place, but actually, so is The Last of Us, because it’s 2003.

**Craig:** There is a genre of frozen in time, where the world stops and everything stops at a kind of time period. It is interesting, 2003. We were a little short on fads and things like that. In terms of the technology…

I guess technology is also now a huge one, not so much before, but now, because it changes so rapidly, what kind of phone were people using, and what did the cars look like and what did the radios in the cars look like, and even the fact that there is a radio. All those things were frozen in time and do help mark where you are as you’re going through. Then of course everything decays and turns into its own vibe.

**Megana:** I also remember, John, once, I think very early on when I was working with you, you were working on a project that was set in the ‘50s, and you and I made a timeline of when different things happen and trying to map out what the social cultural attitudes towards these things were, and that was shocking.

**John:** I think that’s important to do, because you need to understand what the baseline of it was and the characters in that time period, what they thought, and also always remembering what people now think about that time period. I think when there’s a mismatch there, you can actually create some good cultural moments.

I think the movie Hidden Figures is a great example. We have a sense of what the role of Black women was in that time period, we have a sense of what getting a man on the moon was like, but we didn’t have a sense that those two things were related. We didn’t have a sense that there were Black women who were involved in NASA’s work there at that time. That’s exciting when you can find those moments that both use people’s cultural narratives, a collective narrative we have about that time period, and can push beyond it, show an attitude that was different.

I think Chernobyl did a great job of that also, because we have a sense of what Chernobyl was, this moment that happened, but Craig was able to fill in details that people would’ve never known about what was going on there. Talk about uroboros. Craig’s show not only exposes things, but really changed people’s cultural expectation of what Chernobyl was, because it became the narrative of what Chernobyl was. For better or worse, just like we were going to think that the Titanic sank the same way that James Cameron showed us, because that’s the biggest cultural marker we have for that event.

**Craig:** If you can find some undermined cultural territory for collective narratives, that’s always exciting, not only showing the flip side of things that we know, but even just general… I think Mad Men was so interesting, because they were like, “You know what we’re going to do? We’re going to do the early ‘60s, which actually no one thinks about,” because as you put, when you would say, “What were the ‘60s like?” “Hippies. Boom, it’s hippies. Let’s go.” Actually-

**John:** That’s late.

**Craig:** That’s late ‘60s and early ‘70s. The early ‘60s, they’re not the ‘50s. It’s not poodle skirts. It’s not Grease. It’s this other weird thing. Mad Men just went, “Oh, there’s this fun little hinge point between regressive and progressive society and major change versus stagnation. We’re going to just sit right in the middle there and find this other little special spot.” That was exciting, because honestly, a lot of people, myself included, I’d never really considered that time as a thing, but it is a thing.

**John:** Once we have Mad Men, then we can use that as a jumping off point for other things that are around that same time. X-Men: First Class would’ve had a harder time explaining itself if we didn’t have Mad Men, I think, as a reference back to us. Also, this thing I’m working on right now in 1962, Mad Men is a useful reference for it. Not that Mad Men has to stand in for everything, but at least we can visually see that’s the feel we’re going for.

Let’s talk about when we have to establish the collective narrative of a place in time that is not just strictly our decades. I’m thinking about fictional universes or we’ve made a big change in the universe.

A couple different techniques you might want to use. The first is brute force. We’ve seen things that start with “once upon a time.” They’re just going to lay it out for you, like, “This is what you need to know about our world for this all to make sense.”

The Star Wars opening crawl is basically a once upon a time. It’s just like, “You gotta get up to speed here. Go with us here. Trust us as you’re reading this thing for two minutes, and then it’ll be worth your while to go through it.”

Buffy the Vampire Slayer opening credits, “In every generation, a slayer is born,” establishing this is the premise, that there’s a history to this moment that was here from before.

**Megana:** I think one other different category off of that is something like The Watchmen or For All Mankind, where they’re using collective narratives to introduce us to a world that’s slightly different. Would you call it science fiction, alternative?

**Craig:** Yeah, alternative history. That’s a whole category where they’ll reference President Robert Redford, be like, “It’s our world, but it’s not our world. It’s an alternate version of history,” and helping people figure out, okay, so there was a Vietnam War, but in this world, America won, and how would that go? That’s a good way of orienting people into your new collective narrative, your ultimate historical collective narrative.

**John:** It seems important that you would have to introduce some of those elements quite early on, so the audience knows that it’s not just our universe, because you could probably do it at the end of the first episode or something like that, or a ways in, but at a certain point it’s going to feel like a betrayal if you didn’t reveal it was a different universe pretty early on.

**Craig:** Do they not know that Robert Redford wasn’t the president? Maybe they don’t know. They don’t know. I’m going to write a stern letter.

**John:** Those numbers in the corner of checks, what are those for?

**Craig:** Yeah, what are those?

**John:** Another way, if you’re creating a fictional universe or having to really change the collective narrative of something is to explain to an outsider or to a newcomer. You see this in a lot of things. Indiana Jones, he is explaining to somebody who is not an archeologist the important things to understand about this culture, this thing, these rules of this universe.

The Matrix works that same way too, where Neo is an outsider being introduced to the truth behind The Matrix. He’s a convenient place to exposition dump upon. We’ve talked about The Matrix a lot. It’s a good example of a movie that starts in a mostly real world and then has to bring the character through the looking glass into the other side.

Lastly, I would say that sometimes you’re doing multiple things at once. Star Trek: The Original Series, those opening credits every time told you what the mission was of the Enterprise, but each time, they were also meeting a new civilization, and through that way they could introduce concepts like the Federation or we’ve moved beyond money, all the ideals of what their show is like and how stuff is structured and set up.

There’s a big science fiction project I’m talking about doing that the explanation of what has happened to the world is so lengthy that even at the conceptual stage we have to think about how much are we info dumping to audience right at the start versus exposing people piece by piece as things come up.

**Craig:** I do love an info dump. I love a creative info dump. It’s one of my favorite things to do.

**John:** Some of that has attention in the moment, but it’s also getting you through that, getting over that bump. Megana, because we have you, we actually have some listener questions that came in that were specifically exactly for you. I’m wondering if Drew might want to read you some of them.

**Drew:** Wait a second. This is (singing) We Have a Question for Megana.

**John:** Yes.

**Drew:** Cool. Fred writes, “Congratulations to Megana!”

**Craig:** Woo.

**Megana:** Woo.

**John:** Yay.

**Drew:** “I’d be interested in hearing about Megana’s journey, leaving the corporate world and becoming a screenwriter. Can she share her story and offer any tips to aspiring writers?”

**Craig:** Megana, you have 40 seconds. Go.

**Megana:** Oh my god. This question is tough, because it’s so hard for me to emotionally relate to what I was doing at that point, because I feel like I made a lot of bad decisions. If I were to give advice to somebody else, I’d be like, “Have a plan. Line up another job.”

I worked at Google for five years, and then I quit my job, and I had no plan. I moved out to Los Angeles. I had money saved up. I had a family friend, who was my mom’s best friend from when I was six years old. I knew that she had an extra bedroom in her place in Long Beach that I could stay at rent-free for a while. That was my path to coming out to LA. Then once I was here, I just tried everything and threw myself and tried to talk to as many people as I could and luckily started working for John within that year.

Then in terms of offering any tips to aspiring writers, I think looking back, there are so many things I might’ve done differently, like writing more or doing some more of the planning when I have the security of a full-time job, but also things worked out because I had made room for changes in my life, if that makes sense.

It’s something that I think about a lot is that if you want change in your life, you do have to make room or space for it. I think that if you are writing for five minutes or 30 minutes a day, you’re going to see progress or change, but it’s going to be proportionate to the amount of time you’re giving that activity.

**Craig:** It just strikes me that what you’re maybe… It’s not that you’re dancing around it, but I think what you’re struggling with is something I’ve struggled with so many times when I’ve been asked this question, which is, yeah, I can share my story, and I suppose I could offer you tips, but really what I’m what saying is here’s the unique thing that happened to me, and here are the tips that I learned along the way that are applicable to me but may not be at all applicable to you.

The way I got here isn’t how you’re going to get here, so I don’t know. Is this a great question or not? That’s the thing. Everyone asks it of everybody, but at some point, you do start to wonder, does it matter?

**Megana:** It’s also so hard because it’s really hard and heartbreaking in ways that I could never have predicted, and so it’s hard to encourage anyone or offer tips looking back on things retrospectively, because I don’t know, it feels like it was just luck.

**John:** It was luck, but it was also you put yourself in a situation where you could get lucky. You put yourself in a situation where you stopped working for Google and you moved out to stay at your aunt’s house in Long Beach, where you could be lucky when Megan got staffed on Wandavision, and suddenly there was an opening and you could interview for her job and be like, “Oh, of course, Megana should take over.” You put yourself in a position to be lucky.

I think that’s the common thing I’ve seen among everyone who’s been in your job and gone on and done great things is that you were working really hard, but you were also open to situations that could happen. When those opportunities presented themselves, you had writing samples to show. You had a work ethic that you could demonstrate. You had people who could recommend you. You were ready for when luck was ready to strike.

**Craig:** Chance favors the prepared.

**John:** Last thing I’ll say, sometimes when you think back like, oh, you spent your five years working at Google, does one regret that? Tell me what you think. I’m not sure that regret is really useful, because you don’t know whether starting your writing career five years earlier would’ve helped or not helped. You can’t say.

**Megana:** I think that those experiences really informed me. When I talk to a college student, I think just take any job. Working and having experience showed me what I didn’t want to do, what was important to me. I wouldn’t have been able to come to those conclusions if I didn’t try something.

I think it was really useful to be working there, because it was a really awesome company to work for. The perks were incredible. I met such smart people. I still had this thing in me that wanted to pursue screenwriting. No matter how great the company was, I realized that that thing wasn’t going to go away.

**John:** Also, keep in mind, you were heavily involved with all of the Pay Up Hollywood stuff and speaking up for supporting staff pay and conditions. Had you not spent five years working that actually had a structure and had some sort of standards, would you have had the experience to say, “Oh, no, that’s not right. This is not how a reputable company should be working.” I don’t know that what we were able to do helping supporting staff would’ve been the safe if it hadn’t been for you and your experience.

**Megana:** I did have a very different context in standard, reading those emails. I also think your first few years of working, and this is something you talk about all the time, is just learning to be a professional. I think Hollywood is such, I don’t know, Wild West of an industry that it can be hard for people who only come up through the entertainment industry to know how to navigate that.

**John:** Another part of your story which I will say is useful and a good reminder is that you moved out here and you’ve kept your expenses low, which Craig and I often talk about. By staying at your aunt’s house, you didn’t have to take the very first thing that was offered. You could really figure out what it is that you were trying to do. You didn’t have to be so desperate, which I think was a great choice that you were able to make. Craig, I don’t know if you even know that. The first couple weeks that Megana was working here, she would drive to and from Long Beach to the office here.

**Megana:** It was the first three months.

**John:** First three months.

**Megana:** It was rough. It was really rough.

**Craig:** John was paying careful attention to your pain.

**Megana:** John would be like, “I can’t even think about it. It’s going to stress me out too much.” I’d be like, “Okay. It’ll be two hours until I get home. Bye.”

**Craig:** These are the things we do. I will say when you are in your 20s, there is a certain amount of stamina there and an ability to bear the kind of stuff that you deal with when you’re an up-and-comer. There are also things that as time has gone on have made things a bit easier.

For instance, when I started out, let’s say I knew, okay, I have to go to a meeting at Fox. Uh-oh, I live in North Hollywood in my small apartment. It’s going to take a while to get to Fox. How long? I don’t know, because there’s no internet to tell me. In fact, there’s no computerized maps. There’s the Thomas Guide, which is a large book that shows me things, but basically, I’ve figured out how to get to Fox. That’s how I’m going. There is no Waze or Google to say, “Oh, by the way, don’t go that way today.”

You’re just going, “I could go one of two ways. I can go down and to the left or I can go left and down. I’ll go down and to the left today.” Oh, wrong. Looks like it’s going to be an hour and 45 minutes and you’re going to miss your meeting. You can’t even call them to tell them-

**John:** I’ve done it.

**Craig:** … because you’re in a car without a phone. This is how it used to be. We’ve all carried the burdens. Driving a long way, a long commute, is something that so many Americans deal with. So many Americans shoulder that burden. There is a privilege in living near your workplace if you work in a city. It just gets more and more expensive the closer and closer you get to work. This is part of life. God, I did a lot of commuting back in those days, a lot. You do it.

**John:** We’ve got one more question here from Ben.

**Drew:** Ben asks, “Megana, with access to John and Craig and guests as knowledge resources, what advice have you learned from working there that you have found most useful on your writing journey?”

**Megana:** Wow, another really big question.

**Craig:** These feel unfair.

**Megana:** It does relate to the thing that you were saying earlier. I would say a big thing that I’ve learned from having access to so many guests and the both of you is your creative processes are so different from mine, and so is everyone’s. It’s unique.

I think one thing that I have learned is finding models that work for me, finding validation that some people work in the same way that I do, but also maybe permission that my process is going to look different, because I think one thing that all of the guests and you guys have in common is that the creative process is ugly and difficult and surprising and can be heartbreaking. I think just setting those sorts of expectations is really helpful.

Also, I feel like I’ve learned that just because things feel awkward or strange or difficult during your journey or your writing doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re wrong. I don’t know, sometimes things do feel really great, and you should actually chase that feeling and maybe not keep… This is more to myself to not keep writing the thing that you can’t figure out.

**Craig:** Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s correct.

**Megana:** It works both ways.

**Craig:** There’s no doubt. It does. It works both ways. You’re absolutely correct that John and I have different processes from each other. One of the things that I think is most admirable is when people in our business, when asked how ought one do something, respond with the way that works best for you. What I loathe is when people say, “Allow me to tell you how to do stuff,” and, “Real screenwriters do it like this, and failures do it like this.” Oh, shut up.

**Megana:** The episode with the Daniels was so cool, because in watching Everything Everywhere All At Once, it’s like, “Oh, this is so well done. They must have had this plan or this guide or whatever.” To hear their process, it’s like, “Oh wow, that’s kind of like how I feel when I’m stuck in the weeds.” The fact that they were able to produce this beautiful thing is just inspiring. I think that it’s been so helpful to hear these stories week after week and from the both of you, then just encourage that process and just the practice of continuing to do things that feel difficult.

**Craig:** That’s the way.

**John:** One last question for you on behalf of Drew. What advice do you have for Drew stepping into your role producing a Scriptnotes podcast? Any things you think Drew needs to know?

**Megana:** I have trained Drew on a lot of the things I think he needs to know. I think he’s doing a pretty great job so far.

**Drew:** Can I ask you a question?

**Megana:** Yes.

**Drew:** How do I get Craig to stop texting me? It’s just constant.

**Megana:** I am so jealous. Just tell him that your phone number is mine, because I would love to be texting with Craig more.

**Drew:** I’m going to do that.

**Craig:** I have literally never texted him once.

**Drew:** You text me all the time, Craig.

**Craig:** Why am I texting you? What am I texting you about? Tell me.

**Drew:** It’s just compliments.

**Craig:** Compliments, yeah. Just like, “Who does your hair?”

**Drew:** Yeah, exactly.

**Craig:** Sometimes I’ll text you in the middle of the night. I’m just like, “You up?” Yeah, I do. Then an hour will go by. Even though it’s the middle of the night, an hour will go by, and then I’ll be like, “Why aren’t you talking to me? Are we fighting?” I’ll do it all night. Then when he wakes up in the morning, he’s like, “Oh my god, what do I do about this?”

**Drew:** Look, it’s a back and forth. It’s okay. I was just hoping Megana might be able to [crosstalk 00:51:12].

**Megana:** I know this is a joke, but I’m still incredibly jealous and fuming.

**Craig:** She’s jealous of me stalking you. I’m going to do it. Megana, I swear to god, I’m going to set an alarm. I’m going to wake up at 2:30 in the morning. I’m just going to text you, “You up?”

**Megana:** Please do.

**Craig:** “You up?” is the funniest… Oh my god, I just love that. “You up?” Hysterical.

**John:** It’s time for our One Cool Things. Megana, you get to start us off, because I’m curious what you think is cool.

**Megana:** That’s so sweet. I have three One Cool Things, but I am going to choose just two, so that you guys invite me again.

**Craig:** I have none, so go ahead, cook.

**Megana:** I’m going to choose the two that have to do with collective narratives. The first is this book called Unscripted: The Epic Battle for a Media Empire and the Redstone Family Legacy. It’s by James B. Stewart and our Scriptnotes friend, Rachel Abrams from the New York Times, who we worked with on Pay Up Hollywood stuff.

**John:** Great.

**Megana:** It is about Sumner Redstone and the family. It is such a fun read and so informative of I would say the early aughts, like what we were talking about earlier.

**John:** Cool. We’ll definitely take a look at that. Does it feel Succession-y?

**Megana:** Yes.

**John:** I think obviously there’s a lot of Redstone stuff happening in Succession.

**Megana:** In reading it, I’m constantly like, “Oh, is this where they got that Succession storyline from?” It’s really fun and fun to read in advance of the fourth season coming out.

**John:** Awesome.

**Megana:** Then my other One Cool Thing is The Romantics on Netflix. It is this docuseries by Smriti Mundhra, who is this really cool director. She did Indian Matchmaking for Netflix as well. It’s about Yash Chopra Films. Yash Chopra is a very influential filmmaker in Bollywood. I think whether you’ve watched Bollywood or not, it is so delightful. She does such an incredible job of tying how films and media were in conversation with Indian politics at the time. Would definitely recommend.

**John:** Is The Romantics a documentary?

**Megana:** It’s four episodes. It’s one of those docuseries things.

**Craig:** A docuseries.

**Megana:** I guess it’s not a thing.

**John:** Love it.

**Megana:** It’s a docuseries.

**Craig:** Like Tiger King, but without tigers or the Tiger King and with Yash Chopra and Bollywood.

**Megana:** Exactly.

**Craig:** Nailed it.

**John:** Nailed it. My One Cool Thing is incredibly basic. It is a vertical mouse by Logitech. It’s called The Lift. I’ve used a vertical mouse for many, many years. If you are having a hard time visualizing it, imagine you’re shaking somebody’s hand. That’s the position you want to keep your hand in.

**Craig:** What is going on with you? You’ve verticalized every interface.

**John:** I originally got my vertical mouse because Dana Fox, who you love, and has been on this show many times, she introduced me to the vertical mouse. It is so much better for your wrist, because you’re not turning your wrist down. You’re keeping your wrist up.

I’ve been using one for many, many years. It crapped out on me. I got this one from Logitech. It’s maybe a tiny bit small for my hands. I kind of have small hands. It works seamlessly. It has really good resolution and tracking. We’ll put a link in the show notes to it. If you’re loving for a vertical mouse, especially for a Mac, I highly recommend it. It works great for me.

**Craig:** I like pain!

**John:** I love it. He wants brutal pain.

**Craig:** Meh!

**John:** Craig, you’re passing on your One Cool Thing? You’re just taking one of Megana’s?

**Craig:** Absolutely taking one of Meganas. Mine is also The Romantics on Netflix.

**John:** Love it. That’s our show for this week, guys. Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt.

**Craig:** You know it.

**John:** It’s edited by Matthew Chilelli. Our outro this week is by Lex Kornelis. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also where you can send questions.

You can find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s also where you’ll find transcripts and sign up for our weeklyish newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. We have T-shirts and hoodies. They’re great. They’re from Cotton Bureau. Just go to Cotton Bureau. You’ll find them there.

You can sign up to become Premium member on scriptnotes.net, where you’ll get all the back-episodes and Bonus Segments, like the one we’re about to record on getting ready with me.

**Megana:** Hashtag GRWM.

**John:** Only for Scriptnotes Premium members. Megana, it was so great to have you back.

**Megana:** Thanks, guys.

**Craig:** Thank you.

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** Megana Rao, talk us through get ready with me. I barely know what this is.

**Megana:** Get ready with me is a, it’s now new, but it has been increasing in popularity, trend on TikTok where different influencers will look into the camera and do their makeup for whatever event as they are chatting to you about what’s on their mind, about things that they are experiencing. Drew, please jump in if you’ve been watching any of these.

**Drew:** I haven’t been watching any of these.

**Megana:** Okay, cool.

**Drew:** I really wish I knew.

**Craig:** Drew, you’re gonna be fine.

**John:** I may have a reference for this though, because Drew Barrymore, who is a friend, she will have her camera up in the bathroom as she’s doing her makeup and she’s watching her face and doing all that stuff. She’s talking to the camera while she’s doing all that. Is that get ready with me?

**Megana:** Yes, exactly. It’s like, “Get ready with me as I go to New Year’s party,” or, “Get ready with me for a day of work,” or something like that.

**John:** Is it a similar thing to, there’s this young blonde influencer woman, she’s a stay-at-home girlfriend, who’s like, “Now I make a smoothie for my boyfriend and I take it to the gym and he really likes it.”

**Craig:** Which just sounds scary.

**John:** It’s [crosstalk 00:57:03].

**Megana:** Is that the voice or are you doing the computer automated voice that they put on top of their videos a long time?

**John:** I wasn’t doing a TikTok voice, but she has that voice herself, dead inside.

**Megana:** It’s really strange, and it’s so boring. It’s people cleaning their apartments or making smoothies for their boyfriends, but I spend hours watching these things.

**Craig:** Wow. If I made a get ready with me video, it would just be like, okay, shower, clothes, go, done. I don’t use products. There is no getting ready. Every morning of my life is just me launching myself out of a cannon and doom scrolling and then flinging myself into the car. There’s just no getting ready.

**Megana:** It is this gendered thing. It’s part beauty tutorial, part makeup tutorial, I mean.

**Craig:** Fashion.

**Megana:** It’s just so interesting to me, because getting ready, it’s an intimate thing. It’s your bridge between your private and public life. I don’t know, it’s just so weird to me that I now have access to all of these people’s process for how they transition from their home to the public world.

**John:** One of the things you put in the Workflowy here is this Alix Earle, A-L-I-X, Earle. One of the videos in her Instagram or her TikTok was her and her little sister, and they’re doing their makeup together. It was an ad actually for something. It was for some concealer. They were side by side.

It feels like that’s what you’re describing. It’s the kind of experience you normally would have with a big sister, watching her do her thing and being side by side while she’s doing her thing, but because maybe we’re all only children, we’re all by ourselves all the time, it just feels like there’s somebody there. It’s nice to just be next to somebody while they’re doing their thing. Is that the feel?

**Megana:** Yes, exactly, because I have this experience where this 13-year-old’s get ready with me came across my TikTok, and she’s getting ready for this bar mitzvah. Then I don’t know, however many videos later, I’m so invested in her life. I’ve seen all of her different bar mitzvah outfits. I’m like, “I shouldn’t have access to this.”

Also, when I was 13, so much of the fun of getting ready for an event like this is being around your friends who are also getting ready and learning in the same physical space. Yet me as a 30-year-old woman just watching this 13-year-old get ready for her bar mitzvah is so dark.

**Craig:** Ew, strange. Obviously, the easy cliché question is are you really seeing them getting ready or are you seeing them doing a version of getting ready that is being seen, so it’s a different thing? Let’s say it’s all honest. This is really them getting ready. It does also promote this notion of perfectionism, I think. All of this, I find it disconcerting.

**Megana:** It’s interesting that it’s an anti-perfectionism, because they are letting you behind the mask. They’re letting you see their blemished skin and all of those things.

**Craig:** Let me push back. They’re letting you see their blemished skin, and then they’re showing you how when they’re done, it’s not blemished anymore and how they have perfected it before they walk out the door. It’s like when very beautiful people are like, “Look, here’s a picture of me without makeup.” I’m like, “You’re still hot. You’re still beautiful. You know you’re beautiful. That’s why you’re doing it.”

To show them all the layers and stuff, and then they’re go off to something cool or whatever, I don’t know. It feels aspirational in a dangerous way, the way that all advertising has always been. That’s not even a gendered thing. Maybe the nature of it is gendered. “You want to look beautiful, don’t you? Here’s how you do it. You want to have an awesome car. Here’s how you do it.” I don’t know. It’s just when I hear about a 13-year-old girl commoditizing her life, it’s scary to me. It’s scary.

**Megana:** It’s so frightening. In the article that John linked for collective narratives, that Substack article, he talks about how teen happiness in the early 2000s was at an all-time high, and he had this theory that it was because it was early internet, where kids are just sharing memes online, but they’re still in physical spaces together. I was so struck by that compared to… When I was younger, we used to watch makeup tutorials on YouTube, but the women were much older than us. The idea of being a 13-year-old and creating content in this way is so wild and terrifying to me.

**Craig:** Terrifying, yes. Let the kids be kids. I understand that every sentence that comes out of my mouth will be something that an old man says. I don’t know. As a parent, I worry about it. I worry about the fact that your life becomes memorialized permanently and belongs to everyone, that there is a sense that you’re curating your own moments.

One of my kids was talking about BeReal the other day and saying how it’s literally become the opposite of BeReal. Literally. It’s like, “Oh my god, BeReal. Here I am riding a unicorn and drinking champagne while my hair’s on fire, and there’s my new boyfriend. Oh my god, you caught us at just the right time.” Did we?

**John:** An option I would see with get ready with me videos, because now I’m realizing there’s other things that are actually part of that trend. I just didn’t recognize it. There’s a guy who’s blind who, basically just like that, basically like, “This is how I figure out my closet and what I’m going to wear in the mornings. This is how I make breakfast.” It’s his boyfriend filming the whole thing. That’s a perspective I wouldn’t have seen otherwise.

I don’t know what it’s like to be a blind person getting your morning routine together, or I don’t know what it’s like to be getting your morning together if you’re using a wheelchair. In the sense of giving you a window into other people’s spaces and daily lives, that could be really useful.

I think that’s one of the good things about the internet that we didn’t have before is that it could give you some perspective in what a life is like that is not yours. That’s good, but I do share most of our other horrors about especially teenagers feeling like, “I have to perform being myself.” That I don’t think is healthy.

**Craig:** What you’re saying about seeing a window into other people’s lives, that makes sense. To the extent that these things can be empathy building and instructive and help us understand other people is great. To the extent that they are about a calculated lack of calculation and about physical perfectionism and lookism and sizism and all the other isms… Remember, these things are, I assume, heavily featured people who have very typical Western standards of beauty and the typical body size that the media says we’re supposed to have. I don’t know.

I don’t know how I would feel about watching even a guy my age. Like, okay, you’re 50 years old. Here’s a 50-year-old guy who’s like, “Get ready with me.” Then I’m like, “Aw, man, he’s in awesome shape, and he’s really handsome, and he’s got a full head of hair. He’s gonna put on his… Oh, that’s an interesting shaving lotion. Okay, I can see how that might help with razor bumps. Oh, okay, those are possibly cool shoes to wear with those pants, but really, it doesn’t matter what the hell he wears.”

**Drew:** Do you find any comfort in a ritual though? I feel like I do find comfort in watching a ritual.

**Craig:** I will tell you this very strange thing I’ve noticed about myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it on this show. It occurred to me one day that when I wash my hair, or my head I guess at this point I should say, my hands do the exact same thing in the exact same way for the exact same amount of time every single time. I have completely ritualized the movements of my fingers and hands over my head. It’s remarkable. I don’t know how it happened. There’s no variation whatsoever. I’ve created some strange rituals for myself. I don’t think that they’re signs of OCD as much as just humans ritualize things.

I don’t have any great interest in that stuff. I don’t. If people were like, “Oh, why don’t you walk us through getting to ready to write,” I would be like, “Eff on off out of my office, friend. You don’t want to see that, and I don’t want to show it to you.”

**Megana:** I guess it just feels like, and I feel old saying this too, the amount of time that your camera is recording is just longer and longer. The one-way intimacy of it is confusing to me for young people growing up. I don’t know. I guess I’m in the situation where I’m very invested in this person’s life. I know what their rituals are. I know what they’re doing. They’ve shared a lot with me. It’s so weird to have that intimacy flattened and unreciprocated.

**Craig:** You taught us all about parasocial relationships. I get it completely. I would argue that for people who listen to us on this show and have listened for a long, long time, they actually know us pretty well, because this is us. I know John. It’s not like when the mic goes off, I’m like, “Okay, now the real John pops out.”

**John:** [inaudible 01:07:08].

**Craig:** We are this, so they actually do know us. The intimacy is a product of time and exposure. There is no calculation. That’s one of the best things I think about audio only is that it removes a certain kind of vanity or insecurity from the equation, which I have seen my face on television way too much.

This weird thing that’s happened is because… Sometimes in LA, I would get recognized because people just knew that I was on Scriptnotes, and it’d be like, “Oh, you’re a Scriptnotes fan.” What’s happened now is, because I do those little segments at the end of The Last of Us-

**Megana:** They’re so cute.

**Craig:** Thank you. I appreciate that.

**Megana:** I’m always like, “Aw.”

**Craig:** “Aw.” That’s what I go for, unthreatening. That actually means that now people are recognizing me. I swear to god, I’m confused every time. I gotta figure out how to get around this. I know I’m not Brad Pitt. What I feel almost every single time is a certain twinge of insecurity.

**John:** Megana, I’m curious, because we’ve talked about this off mic, but you are recognized some just because of your role on Scriptnotes. To what degree are you finding it helpful? To what degree is that annoying? How are you feeling about your semi-fame off of here?

**Megana:** I would say our listeners are very niche and specialized. They are people who are interested in screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters. It’s cool, because they’re also people in my industry. I’m not recognized that often, so it’s not something that I have to deal with like Craig. It’s fun because it means that the person listens to Scriptnotes, and then I have something to talk about with them.

**Craig:** You have a famous name, I think, because you are the only Megana I’ve ever met in my life.

**Megana:** Keep it that way.

**Craig:** Oh, I will. Trust me. If I meet another one, I’m just gonna turn around and walk away. It’s just a very specific name that there’s not a lot of them. I think when people probably see it on a piece of paper or something, they’re like, “Oh, I know who you are.”

**Megana:** You guys did do a very nice thing when Drew started, which I also appreciated, because I didn’t know how to say your last name, where you had a whole bit about pronunciation and who he was. I would say that people still think that I am Megan McDonald who just got married.

**Craig:** Married to a guy named Arao. It really does flow. I gotta say, 999 people out of a thousand, or perhaps all thousand, if you said, “Can you write out the name Megana Rao for me?” would say Megan, and then they would be like, “How do you spell Arao?” Is it a common name in India?

**Megana:** Yes, it is. It means “of the clouds,” because mega means cloud in Sanskrit.

**Craig:** Of the clouds.

**Megana:** I’m not resentful at all of the portion that you guys gave Drew to explain his name.

**Craig:** We finally got around to it.

**John:** We learned. We’ve learned our lesson. I will say-

**Craig:** You’re so ethereal. You’re of the clouds.

**John:** A friend of ours was hiring a new assistant. One of the assistants who was under consideration was also Meghna, which is the other spelling of Meghna, so just-

**Craig:** Oh, Meghna.

**John:** M-E-G-H-N-A, which is the same name, correct?

**Megana:** Correct, yeah.

**Craig:** By the way, Megana, it feels a little weird as a white guy to be like, “Okay, now your name is Megana. What does that mean?” It’s a little weird.

**Megana:** Fair enough.

**John:** This would’ve been a great way to first introduce you on the podcast if we’d said, “Your name is Megana. It’s the same pronunciation as Pamela.” It’s not hard for people to do, because my frustration was people saying, “Oh, is Megana [meh-GAH-nuh] gonna be setting that up?”

**Craig:** Megana [meh-GAH-nuh].

**John:** You hear it all the time.

**Megana:** Yeah, and Megna [MAYG-nuh], Megana [MEH-guh-nuh], all of those are fine. Megana [meh-GAH-nuh] though is what people reach for first though, in a way that’s confusing.

**Craig:** Megana [meh-GAH-nuh]. I’ve been getting Craig Mazin [MA-zn] my whole life. My whole life.

**John:** That’s why I changed my name.

**Craig:** Exactly. Listen. You changed it to a month.

**John:** Megana, thank you for coming back on the show. You’re welcome back any time, of course.

**Megana:** Thank you guys.

**Craig:** Thanks, Megana.

**John:** Open invitation.

**Drew:** I’m so glad you’re here.

**Megana:** Bye.

**Craig:** See you guys.

**Drew:** Bye.

**John:** Bye.

Links:

* [How to Become a Member of the WGA](https://www.wga.org/the-guild/going-guild/join-the-guild)
* [Conceiving the 2000s](https://noahpinion.substack.com/p/conceiving-the-2000s) by Noah Smith
* [Unscripted: The Epic Battle for a Media Empire and the Redstone Family Legacy](https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/612741/unscripted-by-james-b-stewart-and-rachel-abrams/) by James B. Stewart and Rachel Abrams
* [The Romantics on Netflix](https://www.netflix.com/title/81617079)
* [Logitech Lift Vertical Mouse](https://www.logitech.com/en-us/products/mice/lift-vertical-ergonomic-mouse-mac.910-006471.html?&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=Paid-Search&utm_campaign=Dialect_FY23_Q4_USA_LO_Logi_DTX-Logitech-Mac_Google_na&gclid=CjwKCAiAu5agBhBzEiwAdiR5tNB44Kqgo3rP9iFY1dYBXRKyxkrUCdDT7nmVvN7TXM-p4SK6A6QlLBoCBy4QAvD_BwE)
* [Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!](https://cottonbureau.com/people/scriptnotes-podcast)
* [Check out the Inneresting Newsletter](https://inneresting.substack.com/)
* [Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/gifts) or [treat yourself to a premium subscription!](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/)
* [Craig Mazin](https://www.instagram.com/clmazin/) on Instagram
* [John August](https://twitter.com/johnaugust) on Twitter
* [John on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/johnaugust/?hl=en)
* [John on Mastodon](https://mastodon.art/@johnaugust)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Lex Kornelis ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* Scriptnotes is produced by [Drew Marquardt](https://www.instagram.com/marquardtam/) and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/591standard.mp3).

Scriptnotes, Episode 589: The One with Patton Oswalt, Transcript

April 11, 2023 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2023/the-one-with-patton-oswalt).

**John August:** Hey, this is John. Heads up that today’s episode has just a little bit of swearing in it.

Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** This is Episode 589 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Today on the show, we welcome a guest who’s been mentioned 10 separate times on Scriptnotes-

**Craig:** Wow.

**John:** … which means he’s now legally required to attend. It’s a podcast summons.

**Craig:** Like when you look in the mirror and you say Bloody Mary 10 times. Patton Oswalt. Patton Oswalt.

**Patton Oswalt:** Thanks. Thanks for Beetlejuice-ing me, guys.

**John:** You are a comedian, actor, writer, Jeopardy champion. Your work includes everything ever made for a screen, but we’ll highlight some of the amazing comedy specials you’ve done, which have gotten you an Emmy and a Grammy. Welcome Patton Oswalt.

**Patton:** Guys, thank you for having me.

**Craig:** This is so exciting. I’ve said on the show before that you’re my favorite comedian. I listen to a lot of stand-up. I do. You know what? There was the time in the ‘80s and ‘90s where stand-up went insane and everybody was constantly watching stand-up. Now there’s this new thing where I’m just in my car and I feel sad all the time about everything, and so I go on Sirius XM or Spotify or something and just go, “Give me the comedy channel.” What I’ve found over time is there are people that I’m like, “Skip. Skip.” Then there are people that I’m like, “Stay. Stay.”

**Patton:** Am I a stay?

**Craig:** You’re the ultimate keeper. I think at this point I have now listened to every fucking thing you’ve ever said.

**Patton:** Jeepers creepers.

**Craig:** It’s wonderful. I’m a huge fan. This is very exciting.

**Patton:** I just can’t imagine you, Craig Mazin, being sad. How does someone sad come up with something like Chernobyl? Oh, wait.

**Craig:** Wait a second.

**Patton:** Wait a minute.

**Craig:** Hold on.

**John:** I’m seeing the two of you face to face. I really wonder who plays who in the biopic, because you guys could play each other, I think.

**Craig:** Patton should play me. He’s a good actor, and I am not.

**Patton:** Do we Charlie Kaufman it and have a scene where we meet each other but we just switch roles, we each play each other?

**John:** Or twins, brothers.

**Craig:** Actually, just brothers.

**John:** Or just brothers.

**Craig:** I think we’d do well. I think we would do well.

**Patton:** Yeah, we would totally pull off brothers.

**John:** He’s got an overall deal at HBO.

**Craig:** You have a brother who’s also a very smart and funny guy, so I would have to unfortunately replace him.

**Patton:** Exactly. We have to move my younger and way funnier brother out of the way in order to make that happen.

**Craig:** I think we could do that, right?

**John:** Craig, this is an episode that you manifested, because you said that we should have Patton Oswalt on the show. Boots Riley listened to the episode. He texted Kelly Marcel. Kelly Marcel texted me. That is how we connect.

**Craig:** My god.

**Patton:** Damn.

**Craig:** My god.

**John:** That’s how things connect.

**Patton:** Who knew Boots Riley was a queen bee connector?

**John:** Wow.

**Craig:** Wow, that actually sounds fake.

**John:** I could show you the text messages. That’s how we did it.

**Craig:** If you are going to stick with that story-

**Patton:** Did you write the sentence using magnetic refrigerator poetry?

**John:** Absolutely.

**Patton:** Slapped a bunch of names together.

**Craig:** That was the ChatGP whatever the fuck it was. Give me a story involving Boots Riley. This is going to be great. I’m thrilled. I’m so excited.

**John:** We’re thrilled. We’re also under-outlined. We’re under-prepared. I know that we do want to talk about construction of jokes, and so I also want to get through how that works, and really the difference between writing jokes and writing scripted comedy, because you’ve done both. You’ve also worked on a lot of scripted comedy.

**Craig:** Yes, you have. One of the things that would be great to talk with you about is Wackity Schmackity Doo, which is this great bit Patton does about being a punch-up writer. I’ve been that guy. I’ve literally said in the room, “You’re asking us to do Wackity Schmackity Doo,” and then explained it to them, which is this problem where a movie is finished. Sometimes it’s not an animated movie, although oftentimes it is.

**Patton:** By the way, I’ve been in the room in live-action films, and they’re like, “What can we have being yelled off screen that’s funny?”

**Craig:** It’s just we’re looking for ADR, looking for off-camera lines.

**Patton:** By the way, I can’t believe you and I were never in one of those rooms, because I did those all the time.

**Craig:** I’m going to tell you that we were.

**John:** Wow.

**Craig:** We were.

**Patton:** Which one?

**Craig:** It’s just that I literally don’t remember what it was.

**Patton:** We were in a room together?

**Craig:** We were, but it was many years ago. It was in the early 2000s.

**Patton:** I’ve been in rooms before Mindy Kaling was Mindy Kaling, she wasn’t just a joke machine gun, Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant.

**Craig:** All those guys.

**Patton:** All those guys. We must’ve been in a room together.

**Craig:** We were.

**Patton:** We had to have been.

**Craig:** I left you alone.

**John:** He was shy.

**Patton:** Stole a lock of my hair for your ball that you were making.

**Craig:** At least one or two.

**Patton:** You’ve been in those rooms where you’re like, “Oh, hey.”

**Craig:** Yes. We’re going to talk about that process as well, because Patton has done all of it.

**Patton:** You’re right.

**Craig:** I think what I’m fascinated by, because we always concentrate on writing, is just how that process is, how much writing writing there is, how much physical writing or non-physical, memorized recitation writing, how these things are structured, the beginnings and middles and ends, because you really are very structured. It’s not jokes. It’s stories. It’s these moments.

**Patton:** That I try to pack with as many punchlines along the way. I just have never been able to sell the whole duh-dum, bah-dum, bah-dum. Some people can do that brilliantly. That’s just as hard to do, but I’ve never been able to pull it off.

**Craig:** Yes, like Demetri Martin, a guy like that who’s just so good at that sort of thing.

**Patton:** And Anthony Jeselnik, whose jokes are like-

**Craig:** The king of it.

**Patton:** They are little, miniature works. Oh my god, it’s like stained glass. It’s so perfect.

**Craig:** It’s shocking. Have you ever listened to Anthony Jeselnik?

**John:** Oh, yeah.

**Craig:** I think of myself as a smart guy. I’m a writer. I’m supposed to know what’s coming next. He gets me I would say 99 times out of a hundred. I don’t know where he’s going.

**Patton:** I’m a comedian who should see all the different angles. You know what he reminds me of? I’m saying this as a compliment. He does dark joke versions of Roadrunner cartoons.

**John:** Definitely.

**Patton:** They show you the setup. Here’s the catapult. You think of three ways it can go wrong, and then it goes wrong in the way you didn’t think of. It’s like, oh my god. It’s a great way to learn how to write jokes is to watch old Roadrunner cartoons.

**Craig:** He’s a magician. You really do write these scenes that in and of themselves, if you perform them out, you could easily get 25-minute-long shows. You could do an episode that’s here’s a story, and you could expand it out. I’d love to dig into that structure. Before we do that, John is going to hit me over the head if we don’t follow the rules.

**John:** We’re going to jump into the jokes right away. I did want to say that in our Bonus Segment for Premium members, I want to discuss a pet peeve of mine, which is when characters keep secrets for no reason.

**Craig:** Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

**John:** Just marinate on that. We’ll think of some examples of that.

**Patton:** Good, because I have a shining example of that, but it’s also a rebuke of that, in one of my favorite films. We’ll get to that later.

**John:** Oh, so exciting.

**Patton:** I love this so much. Good, good, good, good, good.

**John:** Let’s get into jokes and joke structure, because Craig, when we found out Patton was going to be on the show, you listed, “These are my favorite bits.”

**Craig:** Those are not my favorite bits.

**John:** Top of mind.

**Craig:** Those were just the ones that I felt like typing there. They’re all my favorite bits. As we were saying, you do have this wonderful ability to make a story of everything. If people want to see a great example that is fun to watch on YouTube, Patton did… I’m going to call it a bit, but it’s so diminishing for what it is. A piece. He did a piece on a-

**Patton:** A piece, although, by the way, listeners, I would never call one of my jokes a piece.

**Craig:** No, I will.

**Patton:** You will. Please.

**Craig:** I will call it a work of art. A work of art centered around the horrible song, Christmas Shoes.

**Patton:** Oh, boy.

**Craig:** It’s this beautiful work of art about Christmas Shoes-

**Patton:** Thank you.

**Craig:** … that someone has lovingly animated.

**Patton:** It’s never been released on an album or in a special. I did it, and someone recorded it, or maybe I recorded it for a special and then just never used it. Some fan animated it on YouTube, and it was amazing.

**Craig:** It’s incredible.

**Patton:** It’s just this thing. I still do it at Christmastime.

**Craig:** Thank god.

**Patton:** You’ve got to see me live to see me actually do it live.

**Craig:** One of the things that struck me about that piece is that it is, in its own way, a work of adaptation, because you take this preexisting work of art-

**Patton:** Work of art.

**Craig:** … which is a song.

**Patton:** Massive air quotes.

**Craig:** The song has structure. It has structure.

**Patton:** The song tells a story. There’s a twist.

**Craig:** You know exactly what to keep and what to not keep.

**Patton:** There’s that moment when I’m like, “I can’t recite any more of these lyrics. I can’t.” That’s part of it is me giving up. That song is that bad.

**Craig:** It’s giving up, but it’s also you understood there was nothing to mine there. If there were, you would’ve kept going.

**Patton:** Exactly.

**Craig:** There’s adaptation to this, but also your original, meaning not based on anything. It’s all original, of course. When you’re just talking about your own life, things that have happened to you, your own observations or thoughts, everything is incredibly well structured. I guess to start off with, how does it begin? Do you actually write things on your laptop, or are you just walking around and talking to yourself?

**Patton:** I’m walking around talking to myself, talking to friends, talking to my wife, and really paying attention to people in my life that are amazing storytellers and know how to tell a story. There are people in my life that I still love, that are very, very intelligent, that don’t know how to tell a story. They don’t know the parts to leave out, that have nothing to do with what will actually hold the listener’s attention.

**John:** My mom.

**Patton:** It’s funny that you mention adaptation. If you slavishly adapted every book to its exact word, it would be a lot of unwatchable movies. You need to take what’s there and adapt it and make it work. There are elements of that song that I’m like, “There’s nothing comedic here.” All it is, in a weird way, the bad elements of that song are just repetitive. It’s just reinforcing a point that I’ve already made and gotten the laugh with, so I can’t do it again. I think it also helped that I came from that time in the mid-‘90s. I don’t know if you ever went to the old Largo on Fairfax.

**Craig:** Of course. John Bryan and all those amazing people.

**Patton:** Oh my god, yeah. Brilliant comedians going on Monday night, but there was very much a vogue at the time for people just talking about their lives. There were a lot of comedians that were like, “Then I’ve gotta talk about everything.” It’s like, no, you still need to jettison things and keep it comedy-focused-

**Craig:** Curate.

**Patton:** … or it becomes un-listenable. I learned that very, very quickly because also, when that first started happening, I indulged in that. I could see the glazed over looks and went, “Oh, that’s right, I gotta structure this a little bit.”

**John:** I thought we would talk about the structure of a joke by just actually looking at a joke. This is the ham incident. We’ll spoil nothing, but Craig wants to say the line.

**Craig:** I just want to say all the ham.

**John:** Let’s play it.

**Craig:** Oh, shit.

**Patton (clip):** Here’s another sweatpants story for everybody. Little sweatpants adventure for you guys.

**Patton:** That’s getting applause.

**Patton (clip):** I was out shopping, grocery shopping. I’m in my sweatpants. I’m in my matching color T-shirt-

**Craig:** “And flip-flops, ladies.”

**Patton (clip):** … and flip-flops, ladies. Got my crumbled up shopping list, and I’m staggering around, “What the hell I gotta buy?” Our supermarket has a deli counter where you can walk up and they’ll cut you up a pound of ham, turkey, cheese, anything you want, cut it up fresh. Boom, off you go. Then to save everybody time, they will precut one-pound things of ham, turkey, cheese, so you can walk up and go, “I’ll get two cheeses. I’ll get a ham,” and you’re on your way.

**Craig:** Can we pause for a second. Act 1, exposition, world building.

**John:** Setting up crucial details, details we don’t know are important but become important later on in the joke.

**Craig:** Also, just from the Joseph Campbell of it all, ordinary world. It’s an ordinary world.

**Patton:** Not to get all pedantic, but in comedy, nothing gets a bigger laugh than when you have set up seemingly mundane things that no one can imagine these being jokes in any way, because everyone is like, “I’ve seen that. You go to the deli counter, and it’s ready to go.” That’s why if you notice, I almost get a little singsongy, because I’m like, “I know we all already know this. I’m just reminding everyone, so now we’re in the setting.” It’s that kind of inflection.

**Craig:** The magic trick there, and we do this in television and movies all the time, the burying of exposition. You’re actually being like, “Sorry, I’m actually over-indulging in details that are unimportant.” That’s what that singsongy thing does, but that’s the magic trick. We are in a wonderful first act structure where you’re actually doing all the things we do in a movie.

**Patton:** Here we go.

**Craig:** We resume.

**Patton (clip):** Staggering up to the counter with my list, and I vaguely see that the next guy in line is this morbidly obese guy. Huge. He’s the next guy in line at the counter. He’s blocking part of the counter. What I can’t see is there’s only one one-pound thing of precut ham in the ham bin. There’s only one left. I can’t see that. All I hear as I approach him is him say, “I want all the ham.”

**Craig:** This is the best part.

**Patton (clip):** Meaning he just wants the one thing. I immediately ran away around the corner into the next aisle and started laughing my ass off. I wasn’t even laughing at him. I was thinking of the guy at the deli counter going, “Here we go.” Eye of the Tiger starts up. He’s doing it! It’s happening!

**Craig:** Hold on.

**John:** That’s the inciting incident, basically.

**Craig:** Also, the development of it. There was something that I thought was really smart structurally, that I suspect you had to think about quite a bit, which was, “I need them to know something I didn’t know.”

When we’re writing, we get to shift perspective all the time. It’s part of the fun of what we do. When you’re making comedies in particular, this kind of math gets discussed down to the tiniest little bit, like when do we show it, when do they know what he sees and what I don’t see. It’s essential. The way you put it in there, you don’t often hear that actually in comedy that there’s a perspective shift. It was brilliant the way it just slotted right in.

**John:** You were visually setting up that you were in the store and that he’s blocking part of the counter, which didn’t seem important at the time when you said it, but it becomes important as you explain the context of what he was actually really saying, what he was actually asking for.

**Patton:** Did you also notice how I was storyboarding? I’m giving the audience the omnipotent view, the omnipresent view that I don’t see. The joke is on me. The guy’s just casually like, “Give me all the ham. I’m going to go.” I’m making links in my head that don’t need to be there. Again, I’m always keeping the joke on myself here.

**Craig:** The perspective shift to allow the audience to have insight that you did not have in that moment is also about to platform to an even bigger one. That’s step one of things Patton didn’t see.

**John:** We’re going to get to a place where the audience wasn’t expecting to go, which is crucial. That’s the key.

**Patton (clip):** Then I thought, what if a third party witnessed that? What if a third person was 20 yards away, and all they see is a guy dressed like me with a crumbled piece of paper, and he’s approaching this morbidly obese guy at a deli counter. Just as he gets there, the morbidly obese guy goes, “I want all the ham,” and the guy with the paper goes, “Oh, shit,” and then runs away.

**Craig:** Now pause again for a second. What I love is these are all these movements.

**Patton:** That visual is really fucked up.

**Craig:** It’s amazing. It’s so good. “Oh, shit.” You have this moment where you can step outside yourself and imagine how absurd that would be. A comedy bit would’ve stopped at, “I want all the ham,” and the guy going like this. You’re now like, “Wait, what if I go meta one step further?”

What I love is that now the audience is like, “Okay, that was the bonus.” The normal meal you get is, “I want all the ham,” then, “Oh, here we go. Eye of the Tiger.” Now there’s this bonus. What I love about you is that you’re like, “No, you don’t even know what the bonus is.”

**John:** I’ll just also point out repetition. This is the second time you’ve mentioned the crumpled note, which is going to become important in the next little section here.

**Patton:** Yeah, it is.

**John:** “I want all the ham,” repeating that just anchors it back to that moment. This is the guy we’re focused on.

**Patton:** Again, I’m also doing a little bit of a cheat where each time I say the crumbled note dismissively, because that’s how people think of their crumpled shopping list is, “It’s just here, whatever.” I’m reinforcing that who cares, and then it becomes important.

**John:** Without the word crumpled, we might not even catch the [crosstalk 00:17:24].

**Craig:** Exactly.

**Patton:** Crumpled is a good comedy word.

**Patton (clip):** He might honestly believe that he just saw the future get doomed.

**Craig:** Pause one more time. Here’s what I love about that. Now you’re doing what Rian Johnson does, which is, “I’m going to show you who killed the person. You still don’t know why this is going to be fun.” You’re giving away the ending, and they’re laughing. You can almost hear them laughing because they’re on the wheel of laughter. While they’re laughing, they’re like, “Wait, what?”

**Patton:** It’s funny you bring up Rian Johnson, because my wife and I are doing a big deep dive into Poker Face, which-

**Craig:** So much fun.

**Patton:** … does the Columbo mechanics one better, where they show you the murder and then they show you the motives, and then sometimes the motives have wrinkles to them that you didn’t realize. God, it’s such a brilliant show. That’s a classic example of showing you the most mundane stuff and knowing that you’re starting to get in on the game. Then they will show you mundane stuff that we’ll go, “Okay,” and then it means nothing. Then you’re totally off balance. Anyway, go ahead.

**Patton (clip):** The morbidly obese guy is destined to begin working out and become this cut, muscular warrior of the wasteland and save humanity from the robot lizards that are taking over in 40 years. The few remaining humans have sent me, this emissary, back to read him the message and tell him of his destiny. We have historical records. We know we have to get to him before he decides to commit ham suicide at the Pavilions in Burbank, California. I’m clearly woozy from the time tunnel. I’m trying to get to him. I’m almost there when he says, “I want all the ham.” Oh, god, we’re doomed! We need to find another warrior!

**Craig:** Well earned applause.

**Patton:** Oh, man.

**Craig:** Well earned applause.

**Patton:** Thank you.

**Craig:** The other thing that you do quite a bit, which I love, is you will engage in very almost cavalier storytelling that any studio might actually go, “That’s a pretty good idea. We could probably make a movie of that.”

**Patton:** Also, I’m getting the laughs out of the making wild assumptions, as if the audience already knows that. Of course I’m woozy from the time tunnel. We’ve all been through time tunnels. That’s always a great laugh to get is the crazy, unearned assumption from your listener.

**Craig:** And the specificity, because it’s not like, oh, because he’s a warrior of the wasteland. There’s also robot lizards.

**Patton:** A very specific thing happened, and it all happens at a very specific-

Patton and Craig and **John:** Pavilions in Burbank.

**Patton:** Which makes it.

**Craig:** Details.

**Patton:** I remember growing up watching old Bugs Bunny cartoons and stuff. They would make references, very specific, timely topical references to things that I didn’t know, but in context I always got. There’s one where a turkey is trying to slim down before Thanksgiving so he doesn’t get eaten. Daffy Duck’s making him work out. He goes, “Slide, DiMaggio, slide!” I was like, “I guess DiMaggio must’ve been some kind of baseball player.” You can get things. I always buckle at the studio note of this has gotta be universal, that anyone can understand. Sometimes if you go super specific, it makes it even more captivating.

**Craig:** People will want to know and learn.

**Patton:** “What is that? What’s going on?”

**Craig:** “What is that?” They’ll look it up. If they’re happy, they’re happy to look it up.

**Patton:** They’ll check it out.

**Craig:** I think how specific all of that storytelling is… There’s also this joy of riffing that you take a concept and then go, “How far do I go? How absurd do I get?”

**Patton:** There’s a big element of that. The thing that really attracted me to comedy when I started was just hanging out with other comedians and bullshitting all night and adding to each other’s bits. Sometimes we would get laughs out of, “What’s the most absurd or offensive thing I can say?” Some of my bits do have that, “What is the most absurd level I can take this to and still have it work?” It’s like, “I’m entertaining myself now. How well can I do this?”

**Craig:** It works.

**John:** Patton, can you talk us through the development of that joke? Do you know when you started that joke, what the early versions of that joke were? Did the ham sandwich guy ever exist?

**Patton:** Oh, yes, that absolutely happened. Again, the reality of the situation was I was shopping, I was living in Burbank, I was at that Pavilions. I went up, and that guy did say that. I didn’t run away and start laughing. He did say it with that. I do another bit about B-word fat with the B-word.

**Craig:** (nonsensical babbling)

**Patton:** “I’ve gotten so heavy that I (nonsensical babbling).”

**Craig:** “I’ve gotta lose some weight.”

**Patton:** “I want all the ham.” There’s that Frank Thring, Alfred Hitchcock way of speaking, where even without seeing him, you’re like, “That dude’s fat.” William Conrad. Then I just kept shopping.

A lot of my best writing comes when I’m doing dishes or shopping, because they are such mundane, task-oriented things that now your brain is free. In other words, if you’re sitting there trying to write, and your only task is the writing, a lot of times your brain will cinch up. If you give it a mundane task to do, then it’ll free your brain to actually do writing.

**Craig:** For instance, you’re standing in front of a bunch of Lean Cuisines, and your depression sneaks up and gets you. We don’t have to play it, but he’s just talking about how depression will get you when you least expect it. It got crafty. He has a daughter. His daughter is making him feel good. He’s a dad. He’s thrilled. Then it gets him in the supermarket. He’s just looking at the package.

**Patton:** [Crosstalk 00:23:16].

**Craig:** Then Toto’s Africa comes on. He just said, “I just [inaudible 00:23:22] I’ve never been so wonderfully ready to die.” Boom.

**Patton:** It developed from the thing I was talking about earlier of, “What if? What if? How crazy can I make this?” I did remember internally laughing at hearing the phrase. “I want all the ham,” said in that voice is hilarious.

**Craig:** It’s great. It’s incredible.

**Patton:** Then I started thinking of, “What would be the worst reaction from me?” You don’t want to be mean. “Oh my god, what if I ran away and started laughing?” I just kept what iffing, what iffing, what iffing. There are weird things that will resonate.

The longer you go in your career, the more you learn to trust the weird thing that clearly doesn’t have anything apparently attached to it that is something you can use. If it doesn’t go away, that’s usually a good indication of like, “I should run with this,” because it’s not going away.

**John:** In order to maintain ideas, your brain has to keep dedicating cycles to it, like, “Oh, it still has to be in there.” It’s fighting for attention. There must be a reason why it’s fighting for attention. There’s something it wants to do.

**Craig:** That’s voice too, the thing that you snag on, that your brain snags on. There may be a hundred screenwriting books telling you to just get rid of that, because that doesn’t fit in, but no, your brain snagged on it. Then your brain develops it. That’s you. I know a you thing. Even if I read it, I think I would know it was you, as opposed to hearing it or seeing you, because there is a specificity to the way your brain works. You trust your brain. All of us are copying early on. We’re all just desperate.

**Patton:** You have to.

**Craig:** You have to. You don’t know how else to do it. Then as you go, there’s that scary moment where you have to leave the nest or you’re Indiana Jones in the Third Raiders and you’ve got to step on the bridge that you can’t see.

**Patton:** By the way, the copying will never fully go away. Get over that anxiety. When I walk away from seeing a Cohen Brothers film, my writing will get very Cohen-y for a couple days. I was doing a show Friday night, and John Mulaney went on before me.

**Craig:** Oh god, so good.

**Patton:** First 30 to 45 seconds, I was talking in his cadence. I caught myself. His cadence is so wonderful. He’s such a wonderful storyteller that you fall into that. Then if you just embrace it and wink at it rather than try to, “Oh my god.” Let your ego get out of the way. You’re always going to be influenced by things.

**Craig:** It’s the finest compliment you could give anybody.

**Patton:** Exactly. Stephen King, when he wrote the intro to Harlan Ellison’s Stalking the Nightmare, halfway through the intro he goes, “Oh my god, I’m writing like Harlan.” He goes, “Milk tastes like whatever it’s sitting next to on the shelf. I’ve just been reading some Harlan.” Someone then goes, “Oh, you just read Harlan Ellison.” He’s like, “Yeah, I did. Sorry.” That’s happened with me a lot.

**John:** This incident happened. You decided to write the joke. What does writing actually mean? Are you typing it up?

**Patton:** No. This is why I panicked a little bit-

**Craig:** Don’t panic.

**Patton:** … during the quarantine is I have the general idea, but I’ve gotta work it out on stage. The audience will partially guide me. I think maybe that’s why some of my bits land really hard with people, because it’s the end result of a conversation with other people rather than me hermitting away, writing it out perfectly, and then presenting it.

**Craig:** At which point it’s not plastic enough to adjust.

**Patton:** However, keep in mind, if you are a writer like an Anthony Jeselnik or an Emo Philips, who can write the most perfect frigging bits, and when you lay them in front of people, they just go, “Oh my god,” absolutely do that. I’m someone that needs that back and forth. It just makes the writing better.

**Craig:** For me or for John, the nice thing is our first draft, we write a scene, we go home, we come back the next day. I’m different. I like to mulch over what I wrote yesterday. John is very much like a move ahead guy, and then he goes back and does the whole thing. Either way, we’re evaluating what we just did. Then the shame is private. No one sees the crap.

**Patton:** The shame is private.

**Craig:** They just see what we want them to see. It’s even more so.

**Patton:** That’s cool.

**John:** We never bomb on stage.

**Craig:** We bomb privately. We bomb in front of ourselves, which is horrible. How does that feel when you go in there with your first draft, and you, “This is the first time I’m going to roll this out.”

**Patton:** A lot of times when I’m doing those first drafts, it is… After this podcast, I am driving down to Irvine to do the Irvine Improv. I will have bits prepared that will work. I’ll also work on a few new things. A lot of times when I’m doing the really raw stuff, it is in a room where it’s free. No one’s paid to see me. There is an audience that actually I think likes going to see comedians and being able to watch when it’s…

There was a bit I was working on for my latest special that I finally all got to come together about getting hemorrhoid surgery and then having a horrible accident afterward. It’s this whole long story. I just did not have an ending. In early days, like a year and a half ago when I was working on it on the road, I was like, “I will put this on a Netflix special in a year or so, and you’ll be able to go, ‘I watched that when it was just a mess.’ That’ll be your bragging rights.”

Although it’s actually opposite with comedians and bands. I think I’ve said this before, but I’m going to repeat it because it’s so brilliant, because Chris Rock said it, not me. He goes, “If you’re a comedian, you put out a special and an album, then you go out on the road, you better do a whole new hour, because they already saw that.”

**Craig:** Exactly. They want you to play the song exactly the way it was on the album.

**Patton:** If you’re a band and you put out an album and you tour, you better play that fucking album. They do not want to hear your new shit.

**Craig:** David Spade, he did a bit about that. He’s like, “You hear them come on, and it’s like, don’t play the new stuff. Play the songs I know, and no tricks.”

**Patton:** No tricks. Exactly, no tricks.

**Craig:** No tricks.

**Patton:** Don’t add some new arrangement. You know why I’m here.

**Craig:** Do the thing. Do the thing I like.

**Patton:** When I was on King of Queens, Huey Lewis did a guest spot as himself. We were talking about that. He had this memory, where he goes, “Oh my god, I remember as a teenager in San Francisco.” He started laughing. He goes, “I went and saw Led Zeppelin at The Fillmore. They were touring on Zeppelin 3, so we want to hear Immigrant Song, we want to hear Going to California, and we want to hear everything from 1 and 2. Play Black Dog. Great. Then they did a rough version of Stairway to Heaven, and half the auditorium walked out to go get a beer.”

**Craig:** That’s right.

**Patton:** “I remember specifically getting up and going, ‘Who wants a drink? I’ll go get… ‘” He left and then came back, like, “I don’t want to hear your new shit.”

**Craig:** Which makes total sense, because it’s a long… If you don’t know where it goes, if you don’t know the ending of that-

**Patton:** Exactly.

**Craig:** … you’re like, “What is this crap?” Completely. There are things that you need to absorb in before you see them. Comedy is tricky like that, because John Cleese talked about this at some point, that they would do these live tours. Monty Python would go do these shows, and they would do the Dead Parrot sketch, and no one was laughing. They were just mouthing along with the words. It became this very creepy, almost religious catechism thing of like, “We will now recite the Dead Parrot sketch together.”

**Patton:** Or even worse yet, this happened to Dave Chappelle and it’s happened to other people. I think it’s one of the reasons Steve Martin stopped doing stand-up was that people will pre-scream out punchlines that they like.

**Craig:** Oh god, no.

**Patton:** Or they’ll scream out catchphrases from other things that you’re doing. I remember I think Dave Chappelle walked off stage, this is years ago in Sacramento, because people were screaming, “I’m Rick James, bitch.” You’re about to get several hours of new material from this genius, and you’re yelling out something he already put on TV for you. That’ll be there when you go home. Let him do his… They wouldn’t let him do it.

I also remember I heard that when, and this is generational, when The Firesign Theater, when that album, I Think We’re All Bozos on This Bus, they had that great bit about… It’s the high school commencement speech where this guy’s going, “Eat it raw,” yelling. They were trying to start doing that on stage, and the whole crowd was just going, “Eat it raw! Eat it raw!” They couldn’t start the bit.

**Craig:** What’s the point? It’s over.

**Patton:** Like, what are we doing?

**Craig:** You have a great story about going to a casino and just having your credits screamed at you for 30 minutes by drunk people.

**Patton:** Literally my IMDb yelled at me.

**Craig:** “King of Queens!”

**Patton:** “King of Queens! Ah!” It was rough. It was rough.

**John:** We’ve talked about a joke, but let’s talk about a whole special or putting together a bunch of stuff into one thing. Mike Birbiglia’s been on the show many times.

**Craig:** Oh, god.

**John:** He’s so good.

**Patton:** Fucking went and saw it right before the shutdown. I went and saw his one-man shop, not Sleepwalk with Me, the one about being a father.

**John:** The New One. The New One.

**Patton:** Literally called The New One. Oh my god, we almost went into a Who’s on First. “The New One. No, the one about… Yeah, The New One. No, I know. I just can’t remember the title. Yeah, The New One. Yes, I just said that! God, he’s such a fucking [inaudible 00:32:38].”

**John:** I saw The Old Man in the Pool in a tiny, little club when he was still working on it. It was clear that there’s raw edits on things that aren’t working, but then eventually it all comes together and you get that feedback. With your specials, when you’re aware that you have things that fit together, that can build up to a full hour, that feel like it’s a journey, what are you aiming for?

**Patton:** It’s different. Sometimes you know a couple of months beforehand. You go, “Hey, let’s give them a date. Let’s pick a venue. Let’s do this.” Other times you’ll have… On this last one, I had the date and venue, and not until a month did I realize the structure that it actually needed to be, that the hemorrhoids story was normally in the middle. It took me a while to realize that’s the end.

There was another bit that in the special was in the middle, but on the road I would have it at the end, but then I realized, actually if I switch my… Then a much weirder note that you’re not expecting it to land on, and that’ll make me seem more engaged on stage. When that structure happens, you don’t…

A month before my second to last special, there was a bit that I did in the middle about going to Denny’s. My road opener, this guy Orlando Leyba, brilliant comedian, we’re on the road, he was like, “That should be your closer.” It changed the whole set.

**Craig:** This is an interesting question, because when we’re writing things for one purpose or another, there are different needs. Live performance, you want to just basically drop your biggest bomb, I would assume, at the end. You want to go out on the biggest possible laugh, maybe in a small room, but in a special, you want to go out on something that is meaningful.

**Patton:** Or maybe not necessarily meaningful, but you want to end on whatever is the most interesting thing that people will think about. It doesn’t necessarily need to be meaningful, but it does have to be… Yes, it is always good to end on a massive laugh if you can get it. Sometimes I like the massive laugh in the middle, so you’ve earned their trust. You’ve earned their trust enough to go, “Now I’m going to go off in maybe not the biggest laugh areas, but because I’ve earned your trust, you’ll follow me into something interesting.”

**Craig:** Interesting.

**Patton:** That’s a different way to structure it. On my last two specials, that’s how I’ve gone, because the bit about Denny’s and then the bit about the surgery are way more wandery, philosophical, with a ton of laughs in them, but it doesn’t end on a big ba-ga-da-boom, “Thank you!” Maybe that’s a function of getting older as well.

**Craig:** There’s a confidence to it. It’s sort of like, “I don’t actually need you to freak out every three seconds, because I’ve earned this. You know I’m funny. You came here. I’m not new.”

**Patton:** Has this happened in your writing sometimes when you’re early on, you’re like, “The third act’s going to be frigging crazy,” and then you get to the confidence and go, “Let’s actually make the third act weird and something that stays, has just as much of an impact, but isn’t as loud and bright.”

**John:** It’s still in the same scale and still following the same character’s journey, rather than just a whole new big step because it has to be bigger for the sake of being bigger. The original World War Z was this huge, massive thing. They realized, oh, this is not what the audience wants to see. They actually want to see our characters survive and grow and change.

**Patton:** What a ballsy thing in the third act to have the main piece of action be, “I can’t make any noise. I have to be very quiet.” That’s a really startling way to end a movie like that.

**Craig:** If you have done what that movie did in the middle. That’s something that we were thinking a lot about for our season of television now, because we had an opportunity to do some big set pieces. Where do they go? Should we end on the biggest set piece? I don’t think that that makes more sense, but at some point you want to do it. Timing that stuff out, in television I think it’s a lot easier. I have to say. Movies, the problem is, that’s it. It’s 90 minutes to 2 and a half hours.

**Patton:** That’s it.

**Craig:** The ending, a lot of times, it’s like a fireworks show. You save all the fireworks for the end.

**Patton:** A lot of times, and I think a perfect example of this is, it’s still a great movie, but the Daniel Craig version of Casino Royale. An amazing opening, genuinely amazing opening. The middle part’s great. Then you end on that great… Don’t even end on it. There’s that great poker game, tense. Then there’s that excruciating torture scene.

**Craig:** Which is the best.

**Patton:** Also incredible. Then there’s this huge special effects-heavy piece of the building going in the water. It doesn’t give you any feelings because it’s too big.

**Craig:** It’s too big.

**Patton:** You’re like, “This was all done on a computer somewhere,” whereas the other ones are him and Mads Mikkelsen just looking for micro-expressions on each other, and you’re actually tense watching it.

**John:** I want to circle back to when you plan your biggest jokes. You’ve earned the audience’s laughter and trust, and therefore you can afford not to be as hilariously funny for certain things.

That’s a thing we encounter a lot, both in comedy and in action and scary things too, where it’s like, is this moment right now the funniest thing you’ve ever seen, is it the biggest action? Maybe not, but we can afford to do it because the audience is with us. The audience has invested the time. The audience is with you. We talk a lot about the first 3 pages, the first 10 pages, like, “Are we on the ride together? Are we on the ride together?” When we come off of one of those really big sequences, we can actually afford to send some pages, some minutes setting up crucial things for later on down the road.

**Patton:** They have confidence that a meandering scene will not be a meandering movie. It’s meandering for a reason. You’re being set up for something.

**Craig:** That’s the hardest thing to convince people of that don’t do what we do, because they’ll say, “They’re getting antsy right now.” You’re like, “Exactly. Exactly. It’s okay for them to get scared.” That thing where someone’s telling a story and someone will say, “Where’s this all going?” meaning does this have a fucking point? What we’re supposed to do, and I think when we’re at our best it’s what we do, is make them really scared that none of this is going to add up. Then oh my god, it all adds up. It was all intentional and it was all thought through.

**Patton:** You mess around with the idea of, “Where is this going? This might not work. Oh god, he pulled it off.”

**Craig:** Exactly.

**Patton:** That’s really fun.

**Craig:** So much more interesting than a limerick joke where it’s like, okay, I got it, the first two lines, the second two lines, and then the fifth line. The fifth line will tell me what happens. I never get nervous when I listen to limericks, ever. The more you start to wonder how the hell is all this going to add up, how is all of it going to make sense. I think you in particular are very good at that. You think these things through beautifully. It’s very thoughtful.

**Patton:** I’ve become good at that. That’s again through years and years. I’m sure when you guys were first starting out screenwriting, TV writing, it was very much, “What’s the structure?” Again, the structure of something like Chernobyl, it’s almost an existential version of Jaws. You see this threat emerging in the background.

**Craig:** That’s awesome. I’ve never heard that.

**Patton:** I remember watching that first episode when that explosion blew up in the distance. I’m like, “She’s dead. She just doesn’t know it yet.” Then as we go deeper and deeper and deeper, we realize the depth of this threat. It’s brilliant history, but it’s a brilliant horror movie. It uses those tropes in such an amazing way, to the point where you walk away going, “What other parts of the world are that unsafe?”

**Craig:** Turns out almost all of them.

**Patton:** Apparently, all of them.

**Craig:** Ohio is.

**Patton:** That must be so surreal for you to watch what’s going on in East… You’re like, “People.”

**Craig:** This is something’s that’s happened to me is that any time anything explodes anywhere, people start emailing me.

**Patton:** The parallels here are so profound that it almost looks comical.

**Craig:** That’s what’s so upsetting. This will always be the case. When Chernobyl was going to explode, and just only people found out when it did, but it was always going to explode. It was just a matter of time. A train was going to derail there. It was only a matter of time.

**Patton:** Always. Everyone that worked on the railroad was like, “You need to do… “ They were all saying it.

**Craig:** “Screw you, unions.” The thing is, right now we don’t know we’re sitting on a powder keg that the fuse is already lit. We just don’t know which is it.

**Patton:** Exactly.

**Craig:** We’ll find out when it goes.

**Patton:** When the next bridge collapses, when the next skyscraper falls.

**Craig:** This has been happy fun time with Patton, John, and Craig.

**Patton:** Hey folks, you’re all doomed. Anyway, life’s a crapshoot, and you’re probably going to lose because that’s how it’s always went. Here’s a word from Mailchimp.

**Craig:** I forgot about Mailchimp.

**John:** Oh yeah, Mailchimp.

**Craig:** Oh, Mailchimp.

**Patton:** Oh, man.

**Craig:** Dumbest name for a fucking product, Mailchimp.

**Patton:** Who called it Mailchimp?

**Craig:** This is what’s so nice about not doing ads. We can just say Mailchimp is a stupid name.

**Patton:** It’s a dumb name.

**Craig:** It’s dumb.

**Patton:** Holy shit.

**Craig:** It’s just dumb.

**Patton:** Mailchimp.

**John:** We’ve been talking a lot about comedy specials, writing comedy, but you’ve always written scripted stuff. Let’s talk about scripted stuff, like M.O.D.O.K, your Amazon series [inaudible 00:41:47] character, hilariously really good. You’re focusing on that character. What did you learn trying to figure out not just an episode, but multiple episodes, seasons, put that together? How was that process for you?

**Patton:** That process was because I was co-running a room with my writing partner, Jordan Blum, who’s an amazing writer, comes from Family Guy, comes from Community, and [inaudible 00:42:10] knows all the lore but is really good at how do we adapt it to a thing that humans can watch and enjoy, but we still have all the fun little Easter eggs.

That was a really eye-opening experience in that you have a room full of people. Some are comics fans. Some aren’t. They’re all good writers though. They are bringing different sensibilities to this thing. It makes you, when you go and write by yourself, go, “Can I evoke these other voices and viewpoints that were in that room, that could bring these different dimensions and angles?” I went into it from, this is the idea of a supervillain. My whole idea for this was-

**John:** Let’s explain for people who may not know.

**Patton:** Oh yeah, sorry.

**John:** M.O.D.O.K. is almost a family sitcom, except that M.O.D.O.K., this Mechanized Organism Designed Only for Killing is at the centerpiece of it. He’s like a terrible dad figure, which is a trope of animated sitcoms, obviously.

**Craig:** Bad dads.

**John:** The absurd version of that.

**Patton:** The two tropes you wanted to toy with here is A, the world conqueror that is like, “I sacrificed everything.” M.O.D.O.K. is like, “Because I am supreme, M.O.D.O.K. sacrifices nothing. I will rule the world. I will also have a loving family. There will be no sacrifice or compromise. I get to have everything.”

We also wanted to play with the trope of the terrible dad who at the end of every episode the wife’s like, “Oh, honey.” He goes through an ugly divorce in this first season because they should not be married. This isn’t working. Now what does he do that he has to face that? We wanted to really play with that and then also have a lot of fun with super villain fights and technology and stuff like that. It was all in service of upsetting tropes that I think people accept without even really thinking about them all that much.

**John:** Going from joke writing, and we were also talking about punch-up rooms, we should get back to that, but going back to now you have to have development over the course of a half hour and have multiple characters’ voices, what was that like for you? Did you enjoy it? Do you want to do more of it?

**Patton:** Yes, I would love to be in another room like that, either on a staff or writing it. At this point, I’d like to be running it or I have a central vision that you bring in. There is something ultimately I feel confident and courageous about going, “Here’s the vision I have, but I am open enough and confident enough in it to have other people come in and upset it and show me things that I missed, that we can now add to the vision to make it better.” That to me is true confidence, so I’d love to do that again.

**John:** You’re talking about the room that builds from the ground up versus what we have more experience with is basically coming in to save a thing, because we’ve all done that. We’ve all done the rescue missions.

**Craig:** Yes, coming in to save a thing.

**John:** Sometimes it’s before production, last looks on a thing, but more often it’s something’s been shot, it doesn’t work, and here we are trying to fix the thing.

**Craig:** The dream of it, the platonic ideal of one of these things is, here’s a movie, and generally when you’re coming in to punch it up, it’s a comedy, and it’s a A-minus. It’s really good. We’re just looking. There’s a couple of moments here. Actually, what wonderful things can you brilliant people come up with that we can make this even better with? What it really turns out to be usually is, here’s a man that, he swallowed a grenade, it blew up. Put the pieces back together, please, but make him better looking. You’re like, “What?”

**Patton:** Exactly. It’s like when I would do punch-up on these animated films. We talked about this. They’re a hundred-million-dollar animated film. The thing is 75% finished. Then you would come in, “If you move the… “ “No, we can’t. We’ve already made the movie. Just think of things for characters to yell off screen.” I remember saying to different producers, “If you would do these same rooms but have us work on the script rather than the completed movie, you’ll end up with a better movie and you’re spending your money better.”

**Craig:** Yeah, wouldn’t it be better? They can’t imagine that they’re not getting it right the first time.

**Patton:** No, they can’t. I’ve also been in a lot of rooms where clearly, I’m not going to name names, but there was a movie that I worked on where it was a terrible comedy. It was a live-action comedy. A bunch of us did a room on it. Then when it was done, the original writer, who farted out the worst script you’ve ever read, and probably bought a pool with it, came back and was like, “I want only my name on this script.” All of us were like, “Absolutely, dude. It’s all yours.”

**Craig:** No fights.

**Patton:** Then he got angry, like, “Why is nobody fighting me for this?” It was like, because even with all our work, we didn’t make this thing good. This thing still sucked. Happy to have my name as far away from this as possible.

**Craig:** I don’t know why executives think this thing of saying stuff off camera is magic. If you had a really good joke in the script to begin with, would you not want to see it?

**Patton:** Yeah, see someone say it.

**Craig:** Also, these things are being yelled off screen. No one’s reacting to them because they weren’t there.

**Patton:** Exactly.

**Craig:** How could this possibly be good? I have another bone to pick about these rooms. That is when I started out, so we’re talking the ‘90s, they would give you $5,000 to sit there for a couple hours, a sandwich, and then another couple hours.

**Patton:** I remember that.

**Craig:** Now it’s like, “How about you come in for a thousand dollars all day?” A, fuck, and B, you. How dare you? What the fuck is that? I’ve been going on about this forever. It’s sick how much they… The new thing now is they’ll do these rooms, not for comedies, they’ll do them for any movie. They’ll do them early on, before anyone’s written anything.

**John:** [Crosstalk 00:47:47].

**Craig:** I got a call like, “Oh, we’re going to remake this movie. Come and join these other eight people. We’re going to give you a thousand dollars, and you’re going to basically figure out what the movie should be. Then you’ll fuck off, and somebody will write it.” No.

**Patton:** Exactly.

**John:** I will say, on live-action features when you’re trying to do loop lines or ADR where basically over somebody’s back we’re going to throw a line there, that’s absurd.

**Patton:** Oh my god, I’ve written so many things for people’s backs.

**Craig:** Backs, yes.

**John:** With some of these animated movies, there is still time. You can change the mouth movement. We can get a line in that character’s mouth, and so they can actually say it on camera, which is a slight difference from before. Brainy Smurf can say that thing that Patton thought of.

**Patton:** A lot of times they’re at a point where, “We can’t pay for new animation,” or they don’t want to. Again, you are writing dialog for the back of an animated character’s head.

**Craig:** Which you generally don’t see much.

**Patton:** Holy shit. One of the weirdest things I ever heard, I did a panel one time with Thomas Haden Church, and he said that they… He was in that movie, the live-action George of the Jungle. He said that they did a very early screening with audience notes. “One of the notes I got was the first big laugh 10 minutes in the movie, some animal farts, and it got a huge laugh.” When the movie came out, and I went to watch this, I went and watched it just to confirm what he said, the first 10 minutes of the movie, you just hear animals farting.

**John:** Amazing.

**Patton:** The studio just went in with a fart machine just trying to make it funnier. By the way, it shows you they don’t even need writers. They’re just like, “Oh, that sound was funny. Great, put it in there 50 times.”

**Craig:** They honestly believe that comedy is improved by quantity. They really do believe that.

**Patton:** Oh my god.

**Craig:** Like, “Oh my god, this was funny. Do it more.” No, it’s funny because we didn’t do it more. A well-placed fart can get a great laugh if it’s well placed. If it’s just farting, now it’s just annoying.

**Patton:** The original Ghostbusters, there’s a lot of problems with the original Ghostbusters, but it would be looked at as too slow and they gotta do way more jokes.

**Craig:** Of course.

**Patton:** Half the laughs come from Bill Murray just not reacting, taking in what some other weirdo just said. It’s why the Pythoners would fight to be the straight man in the sketch, because that’s the person that gets the laughs.

**Craig:** Of course. The reaction is what’s funny.

**Patton:** “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

**Craig:** Always. Solved the problems of the world again.

**Patton:** We did it.

**John:** We have a listener question, which actually feels relevant to Patton Oswalt answering it.

**Patton:** Oh, boy.

**Craig:** Here we go.

**John:** This is Becca from Australia, who writes, “I’m writing a film that has many scenes at a comedy club with multiple characters performing snippets of stand-up routines. Ideally, these characters would be cast with real comedians who had their own sets and we could use pieces of it. Is it okay for me to indicate that? Basically, instead of writing a joke for them, I would like the actor comedian to use their own material. If so, how would I do this?”

**Patton:** A couple things there. Write a joke for them each, but let them know before they do it, “Hey, if you want to riff something here or if you’re okay… “ You have to let them know that this bit will now be part of this movie, whatever you’re doing.

**Craig:** What if, let’s say it’s not even a comedy. Let’s say it’s a drama or two people are meeting each other and they’re at a comedy club, and funny things are happening on stage, and that’s leading into an argument that they have later. Let’s say that’s not her strong suit. At that point, should she just pick some stuff that she’s heard and then just notate?

**Patton:** No. Let the comedians know, “Hey, there’s this thing you do. Yuod be so perfect for this scene.” Be very, very up front with them about that, because again, I’ve seen a lot of… I’m not going to name names. I’ve seen a lot of comedians’ bits suddenly find their way into movie scripts, where clearly someone went to a comedy club and went, “That’s a great line. I’m going to put that in there.”

**Craig:** You’re talking about my 2012 movie Ham Suicide. Guilty.

**Patton:** My attorneys have said I can’t talk about it here. They really advised me against doing this podcast, but whatever.

**Craig:** Whatever.

**Patton:** Just be very, very open about, “Hey, this… “ Make sure they are compensated and they are the ones getting the credit for it. Be very, very careful with that.

**Craig:** When it comes to showing the script to all the people that are going to come before that moment, the producers or anybody else, maybe you just in action say, “So-and-so is up there doing a great bit about so-and-so.” If that’s what’s essential is, okay, I just need the reader to know that the story’s going to be about divorce on stage, and that’s going to impact the discussion I have with my boyfriend after the show, that would be enough. You don’t want to just write bad comedy.

**Patton:** No. Also, writing stand-up comedy, as people find out when you watch movies, and the same with them when you see movies or TV shows about a band or music, really hard to write good stuff. Nothing is more cringey than when you watch a movie and they’re like, “This song is going to… “ You’re like, “No, it won’t. In the world of this movie, this song’s going to be a massive hit. This song is horrible. What the fuck are you doing?”

**Craig:** That’s why That Thing You Do is one of the greatest songs that has ever been written ever.

**Patton:** They actually wrote a good song.

**Craig:** They actually wrote a good song.

**Patton:** It was catchy. I can see how that would be a fun regional hit in the ‘60s.

**Craig:** Absolutely.

**Patton:** I get it. Makes sense. They actually wrote a good song.

**Craig:** That’s a great song.

**Patton:** As an example, I just did an episode of a TV show where I played myself at a roast, and they wrote roast bits for me.

**Craig:** That’s a good example.

**Patton:** Then I said, “Hey, can I tweak these a little bit?” because I’m like, “This is very situational. Anything I write, I won’t use anywhere else, because it’s about roasting this character. Fine, I’ll totally do that.” That was fine.

**Craig:** Because otherwise, you’d get that weird Uncanny Valley of it’s Patton and it’s sort of Patton but it’s not Patton.

**Patton:** Also, you can see in my face I didn’t write this and this isn’t in my voice, and I can’t really land this right now.

**John:** Let’s talk a little bit about voice, because you’re an actor. 287 credits on IMDb. So many actor credits. When you’re cast in a funny role, are there lines that are just like, “If I could say this in my own voice, if I could say this in my own way, it would make more sense.” How do you navigate that as an actor? I’m sure we have many actors listening here.

**Patton:** You have to be very, very open with the director and pray that you don’t get one of those directors that’s like, “My words are scripture.” A, first and foremost, your job as an actor is to make the lines work. By the way, that goes the other way too. There’s too much of a cult now of improvisation, of an actor gets a script, throws it out the window.

**Craig:** Don’t do that.

**Patton:** First, sit down and read the script, because sometimes the lines are really good, and you’ll look good if you say them. Then pick your spots where like, “Oh, I could actually improve this if we tweak this.” Don’t have that, “Every single line I’ve got to change and put my peanut butter fingerprints all over,” because then you’re not playing the character anymore. You have wedged yourself into this movie or TV show, and then it doesn’t work, or it might work for that one thing, but then you’ll be expected to do that every time, and then you won’t get to play other characters, and it will cut your career short.

**Craig:** There’s a thing that happens where just like you are carefully crafting setups and payoffs, threading in things in a certain way with a certain tone, there are actors who don’t maybe see some of the invisible threads and begin stumbling through stuff to make this moment better or this moment funnier, but they don’t understand that they just broke something. It’s down the line. To me, the smart actors are the ones who actually can see all that. Then it’s about trust. You trust me. I trust you. I’ll come and tell you if I think you’re breaking something. Otherwise, let’s have fun.

**Patton:** You can tell when someone is insecure, especially as a comedic actor, when they start yammering away too in a sketch, or a scene where someone is starting to get on a role and they’ll, “I’ll jump on that too.” Second City Training was all about if everyone in the scene is trying to make each other person better, then the whole scene explodes and everyone’s great in it. A great example, this is why Amy Poehler is such a frigging genius is when I was doing that filibuster on Parks and Rec-

**John:** Amazing.

**Patton:** … a lesser person would’ve tried to jump in and say a million things. She just held back.

**Craig:** There’s one moment, right?

**Patton:** There’s two moments. One of them got quoted. The female part is not very well developed actually. He knew exactly, it will make it funnier and make me seem funnier if I’m slowly listening to this and going, “Oh, my. Oh, no, no, no, no, no,” and then acting like I don’t want to hear this, and then get invested in it and yell something. She knew exactly where to pick her spot.

**Craig:** Zach Galifianakis was great at that. When we were making the Hangover movies, he would get very excited if he had one line in a scene.

**Patton:** You have to wait.

**Craig:** He loved that. That was his favorite thing, because he knew, by the way, that that was going to be the moment. He had no problem. “Let everything else around me be funny, and I’ll just do my one little thing.” Sometimes less is more.

**Patton:** “I didn’t know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.”

**Craig:** Oh my god. Oh my god.

**Patton:** Boom.

**Craig:** God.

**Patton:** Boom.

**Craig:** Zachy, the greatest.

**John:** It’s come time for our One Cool Things. Craig, did you remember a One Cool Thing this week?

**Craig:** I did. I did. I have an interesting One Cool Thing this week. The American Academy of Pediatrics I think has a new recommendation now regarding childhood obesity. There are these new medications that they’re using now, like Wegovy. I had to look it up. It’s semaglutide or something like that. I’m somebody that I have weight management issues. Weight management issues I think for the longest time, because we’re Americans and Calvinists at heart, was like, “Oh, you’re heavy because Satan will take you soon.”

**Patton:** Because you’re a sinner.

**Craig:** Because you’re a sinner. Literally, gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. It was always a function of willpower. What’s fascinating to me is that we’ve just ignored the things right in front of us. For instance, when you’re out with people with other kids, so we’re all dads, we’ve raised our children. There are children whose parents have to tell them, “You have to eat.” They’re begging their kids to eat. “You will eat. Sit down and eat.” Those kids don’t want to eat, because they’re not hungry.

**Patton:** Their body would tell them to eat.

**Craig:** Those kids are not not eating because they have enormous self-control. They have no self-control. They can’t even stay in their seat. What it comes down to is some people biologically have higher hunger cues and reduced satiety cues than other people. We know this because there’s chemicals that can make us want to eat more or eat less.

What’s really interesting now is that they’re basically saying, “Hey look, there’s all these drugs that will help.” We’re not saying that we shouldn’t accept people at any size they are, but we are saying that the whole, “Hey, just get on the treadmill, kid,” or, “Just eat less, kid,” that shit doesn’t work. We have now decades of it not… In fact, not only is it not working, it makes it work. I think this is a really interesting thing now where finally, medicine is pulling away from the whole model of, “You don’t have enough willpower,” and moving much towards the model of-

**Patton:** It’s a character flaw in you.

**Craig:** Exactly. This has nothing to do with character at all. We know that this is genetic. We know that it’s passed on from parent to child. We know all of this. Let’s start treating it as it is. Let’s also let people off the fucking hook about it, at least to remove the psychological component of it and to have doctors be less judgey. Doctors with kids, if your kid has a weight problem, doctors are awful about it, or have been. I think this is a very good development. I’m not shilling for Big Pharma. I have no stock in these companies. I just think more just as a shift in how we approach these things is a cool thing.

**Patton:** Maybe there’s a shift happening. That’s good.

**Craig:** I would hope so.

**Patton:** I like that.

**John:** Patton, do you have anything to share with our listeners?

**Patton:** Yeah. This is not as life-changing, but there is a company called Beehive Books. They are, like a lot of smaller publishing companies, Hingston and Olsen and Centipede Press, these are people that are just bit with the book bug, and they love making beautiful books. There ain’t any money in it for them, but they do these gorgeous, large, illuminated editions of stuff like Crime and Punishment and The Island of Dr. Moreau and The Blazing World. They are doing a thing. It keeps getting delayed. I already have my pre-order in. This is a One Cool Thing that’s a little bit expensive [crosstalk 01:00:25].

**Craig:** I do it all the time.

**Patton:** It cost $400. I’m sorry. I couldn’t not get this. As you know, the novel Dracula, much like Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, much like Stephen King’s Carrie are epistological novels, it’s a collections of letters and articles and stuff.

**Craig:** Epistolary.

**Patton:** Epistolary, thank you.

**Craig:** Epistolary.

**Patton:** Epistological, Jesus.

**Craig:** You idiot. Get off the show.

**Patton:** Dracula is a collection of diaries, letters, newspaper articles, a recorded diary by a psychiatrist that tells this whole story. They are putting out a thing called Dracula: The Evidence. What it is is a Victorian era suitcase.

**Craig:** Oh, wow.

**Patton:** In it is Jonathan Harker’s diary, Lucy’s letters.

**Craig:** Oh, cool.

**Patton:** Seward’s phonograph record, newspaper. It is the story of Dracula, but done as if you’re going through the evidence of a case.

**Craig:** Physical objects.

**Patton:** It is so goddamn gorgeous. There are apparently supply line problems. They are still hammering away at this.

**Craig:** Was it a Kickstarter thing?

**Patton:** Yes.

**Craig:** I know whenever I back something on Kickstarter-

**Patton:** Oh yeah, you gotta wait.

**Craig:** Multiply your promised timeline by seven. That’s when I’ll get it.

**Patton:** Just the idea that this company is putting this much work for what… They know there’s no profit in this. I love people that are like, “I want to see this in the world.” That motivation is becoming more and more endangered every single day. It’s why they’re going to make you pay if you want to use texting authentication on Twitter, because there are people, and right now they are in control of everything, that are like, “How can this be monetized? How can every part of this be monetized?” They don’t understand that you’re making more than enough money to live on. They have never understood that, because they don’t enjoy anything.

**Craig:** They actually don’t understand passion at all.

**Patton:** Exactly. Beehive Books, all it is is people that just enjoy cool stuff. If you can support them in any way, go to their website, because the illuminated books that they put out are frigging gorgeous. Their Great Gatsby is insane.

**Craig:** Beehive Books.

**Patton:** Beehive Books.

**John:** Fantastic.

**Craig:** I’m in the market for some. By the way, Beehive Books is a great phrase for the guy who has B fat.

**Patton:** There you go. Beehive Books.

**Craig:** Beehive Books.

**Patton:** I forgot who said the phrase, but books decorate a room. If you’re one of those people that does the, “I have this shelf, and these are all red books, and these are all yellow books, and these are all green [inaudible 01:02:56] with the colors,” if you’re going to do that, then do that and put money toward a good company, because my god, these will make your shelves look amazing.

**Craig:** Awesome.

**John:** Awesome. My One Cool Thing was going to be Poker Face, which I agree is fantastic, but I’m going to do a follow-up act, which is Melanie Lynskey was filling in on Dear Prudence. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column.

**Patton:** That’s right. She was.

**John:** She did an amazing job, not surprisingly. She’s very smart and very thoughtful and very kind. Her advice answering questions about marriage, grandchildren, driving, your spouse’s friends-

**Craig:** Plus all with that amazing accent, an accent that makes me the happiest of them all.

**John:** It’s all a text thing, and yet you-

**Craig:** You can hear her accent through it?

**John:** You can hear her accent through a text thing.

**Craig:** I love her. Did I tell you about the vendetta thing? We were talking about her character. I was explaining, “Okay, here’s what your character is. Here’s what she does. Here’s what motivates her.” She goes, “Right, so she’s got a bit of a vendetta.” I have been saying, “Bit of a vendetta,” to her now for months.

**Patton:** A, it sounds like an Australian brand of cheese.

**Craig:** Bit of vendetta.

**Patton:** B, there’s a guy. Oh my god, can I do two Cool Things?

**John:** Please, go for it.

**Patton:** On rogerebert.com, one of their film critics is this kid named Scout Tafoya. Scout Tafoya every month does a column, but it’s a video essay called The Unloved. He will take a movie that did not get massive critical appraise, or even it got trashed, and make a beautiful video essay argument using images from other films as well, to put it in its proper context. “Actually, this is a brilliant film, and here’s why.” That series was so popular that it spawned all these offshoots.

There’s one called Danger Mouse, which is about the years of Disney after Disney died but before The Little Mermaid, when they made these weirdly brilliant movies like Dragon Slayer and The Black Cauldron and The Journey of Natty Gann, where it’s like, wow, Disney got dark and brilliant. There’s one called Other West, which are Westerns that are almost not Westerns. They are on the outskirts of Westerns.

There’s one called Murderers’ Row. Murderers Row is a video essay on a specific actor or actress. He did one on Keith Carradine, did one on Jared Harris, and did one on Melanie Lynskey. The one on Melanie Lynskey is so beautiful. So beautiful. It’s one of those things where he’s like, “She’s been in front of us all along. How is she not struggling to claw her way out of a mountain of awards that have been dumped on her? It’s ridiculous.”

**Craig:** The mountain is about to start piling up, for sure.

**John:** It’s [crosstalk 01:05:27].

**Craig:** I’ve just been saying forever that I think she’s the best actor walking on the face of the planet.

**Patton:** There’s a moment at the end of his little essay, it’s called Murderers’ Row, where they show a scene from this. There’s no words in the scene either. It’s just her looking and having… I can’t even describe it to you. My god. She’s amazing.

**Craig:** She’s amazing.

**Patton:** Truly amazing.

**Craig:** To make it even more improbable, she’s also impossibly the nicest person walking on this planet.

**Patton:** I would imagine she is insanely nice.

**Craig:** Even for a New Zealander, she’s nice.

**Patton:** I did a movie with her, and she was so nice.

**Craig:** She’s incredible.

**Patton:** She’s the coolest person.

**Craig:** Just so beautiful. She’s got a bit of a vendetta though.

**John:** That was our show for this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt.

**Craig:** What what.

**John:** It’s edited this week by Matthew Chilelli. Our outro this week is by Timothy Lenko. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions. You can find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s also where you’ll find transcripts and sign up for our weekly newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing.

**Patton:** Thanks for the sponsorship from DoorToDoorDildos.org. If you need a dildo, 24 hours a day, go to Door To Door Dildos, download our app. All kinds of sizes, colors brought to your door. Thank you, Door To Door Dildos, for supporting the arts.

**Craig:** It’s a better name that what they used to be, which is Dildochimp. That was a good change on their part. I assume that that’s improved sales.

**Patton:** I argued for DildoDash, but they couldn’t-

**John:** They couldn’t clear it.

**Craig:** Lawsuits.

**Patton:** They couldn’t get trademarks.

**Craig:** Lawsuits.

**John:** You can sign up to become a Premium member at scriptnotes.net where you get all the back-episodes and Bonus Segments. Patton Oswalt, an absolute delight having you on the show.

**Craig:** So much fun.

**Patton:** I would love to come back down the road.

**Craig:** Oh my gosh.

**Patton:** This was amazing.

**Craig:** Come back.

**Patton:** Thank you.

**Patton:** Let’s just make it a three-person show.

**Patton:** Hell yeah.

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** This is a pet peeve. I can’t think of a lot of examples. Maybe you could think of more examples. Characters who keep secrets for no reason. My frustration is, this is a recent movie I watched where a major character says, “Oh, I didn’t tell you about this thing that happened to me, but now it’s basically a crisis, and there’s no time for me to explain it to you now.” She could’ve told the secret any time in the last 10 years, and she’s not doing it, but only because of plot reasons, we’re now doing it.

**Patton:** I’m going to give you an example of, without this misunderstanding, there’s no movie. There is a great movie. Didn’t get the attention I thought it should. It came out in 2005 by director/producer/writer Richard Shepard. It is a movie called The Matador with Pierce Brosnan and Hope Davis and Greg Kinnear.

Here’s the basic plot. Greg Kinnear is a bored Ohio businessman, salesman, whatever, has to go down to Mexico on some trip. In Mexico, meets an about-to-retire assassin who’s having a nervous breakdown, played by Pierce Brosnan. Basically, Pierce Brosnan plays James Bond if James Bond had a massive PTSD attack. Then they become friends. He shows him how to go through a hit. They don’t actually kill anybody, but he shows here’s how it would actually be done. It’s very exciting, this crazy adventure.

Then after the first half an hour, 45 minutes, he goes back to Ohio. Then Pierce Brosnan’s character then shows up in Greg Kinnear’s life in Ohio, because people are trying to kill him and he needs a place to hide. He walks in and he introduces himself in the house. He goes, “Hi. I met your husband in Mexico.” Then the wife, Hope Davis, goes, “Is this the hitman you met that showed you how to do… “ Now, a lesser movie would have him go, “Yes, he’s a carpet salesman,” and they would be doing this ha bah bah bah bah. No. Of course he went home and said-

**John:** He told his wife.

**Patton:** “I was in Mexico. I met this hitman, and he showed me this stuff. We didn’t kill anybody. It was really weird.” “Oh my god, that’s great.” Pierce Brosnan is shocked for a second. Then you see him go, “This guy’s a schlub. I’m the most exciting thing that’s-“

**Craig:** Of course.

**Patton:** Of course he’s going to go tell his wife about this. Then the movie proceeds from there. The shock of that, the shock that they’re not going to do this fucking bullshit stuff makes the movie so much more fun to watch. Have people reveal shit early, and then see where the story goes. That’s my example of the anti-version of that.

**Craig:** Gross Point Blank does that with the same thing of hitman the whole time. He’s a hitman. He goes back for his high school reunion. Everyone’s like, “What are you up to?” He goes, “I’m a hitman.” Then people’s reaction was correct.

We love comedies of errors. We like farces. Farces are based on misunderstandings and lies and all the rest of it, which is fine, but they have to be justified. I’m not going to say what it is, because I don’t want to get legions of fans screaming at me.

There is something where I really enjoy it, but my frustration is there are characters who continually keep things from each other and will continually say things like, “Can you just trust me?” “What’s going on with you?” “I can’t tell you right now, but can you just trust me?” I’m like, “You can tell the person right now.” There is no reason for them to trust you, because telling them won’t impact anything at all other than the fact that you don’t want them to. It’s an artificial relationship separator.

**Patton:** It gets very frustrating when you see that. You’re like, “This could all be solved. Just tell him right now! What the fuck?”

**Craig:** Exactly. This is another one. One of my favorites is someone will come up to somebody. It’s a minor version of a pointless secret keeper. “I need you to see something.” “Okay, what?” “Just follow me.” No, you can tell me what I’m going to see, and then I’ll go see it. I’m not a child.

**Patton:** By the way, it still doesn’t ruin the movie for me, because the movie’s still so much goddamn fun. If you pay attention when you watch the original Die Hard, really fun film, but when they’re breaking into the vault, the guy, that African American actor who was on Walker Texas Ranger is like, “You know I can’t do the electromagnetic field. I can only do the coding.” He goes, “You let me worry about that.” Then later on, when the FBI cuts the power, he’s like, “You asked for a miracle.” It’s like, let’s back up for a second. He recruited this team of the top thieves. These are professionals.

**John:** They knew each other before that night. It wasn’t like they just met.

**Patton:** Clearly, they had walked the building. They have that great thing where they’re counting the… They know where everything is. They must’ve brought up, “There’s an electromagnetic lock.” He’s like, “I got that.”

**Craig:** That’s the even worse part.

**Patton:** That means they all went, “Let’s roll the dice. Let’s do it and see what happens!”

**Craig:** He only brings it up really there as if he’s, “By the way, I should’ve mentioned this earlier, but I forgot. Actually, we can’t do this. The whole thing won’t work.” You get the sense that he never mentioned it even before.

**Patton:** Exactly.

**Craig:** If he had said, “Listen,” early on, “Just so you know, the thing that I told you I can’t do, I can’t do.” Also, what’s the point of keeping that secret? Like, “Oh, and then here’s what’ll happen. Then we’ll get there. I know you can’t do the thing. Don’t worry about it. The FBI’s standard procedure is to… “ Now, obviously we know why they did it. It’s because they want to surprise the audience.

**Patton:** It’s a fun turn. There were ways they could’ve done that though writing-wise that you realize they all knew that going in, but we don’t get that reveal.

**Craig:** Sometimes when it’s just a pure plot thing, I think everybody just lets it go because they’re having fun. Alan Rickman did such a great job of selling the line.

**Patton:** So fucking good.

**Craig:** When it comes to relationships, that’s where I struggle, when people are not just saying something they would say. That is a sign that the relationship is not well crafted, in my opinion.

**Patton:** Also because everyone’s instinct in life is to solve, solve, solve. Is there a problem right now? Solve it. What can I say to solve this? The idea of someone keeping something quiet for a decade and letting this problem hang between them, human beings don’t do that.

**Craig:** No, we’re constantly telling each other everything.

**John:** I asked this question on Twitter. I was describing this situation basically where you have a character who could reveal something at any point but it’s not revealed and it’s frustrating as an audience, but without naming the movie. A bunch of people in the comments were like, “Are you talking about this movie [inaudible 01:14:17]?” Clearly, it was a big enough factor for a lot of people, they were all noticing [inaudible 01:14:21].

**Craig:** I don’t know which one it is, because I haven’t seen anything written lately.

**John:** [Crosstalk 01:14:26] movies. I will say, Patton, you’re new to the show, Episode 527 is our Die Hard deep dive, where we spend a full hour just going through-

**Craig:** I wonder if we mentioned this when we did-

**John:** I think we may have.

**Craig:** We may have.

**John:** We’ll check the transcripts on that.

**Craig:** It is funny.

**Patton:** I, again, just discovered this podcast. Going to go back. I’ll go right back to 527. I love a good Die Hard deep dive. What a crazy movie.

**Craig:** We do a deep dive on Die Hard, Raiders.

**John:** Little Mermaid.

**Craig:** Ghost, Little Mermaid.

**Patton:** We all know the line on Raiders, again, [crosstalk 01:14:57].

**Craig:** Of course.

**Patton:** Indiana Jones [inaudible 01:14:59].

**Craig:** If he just does nothing, everything’s fine.

**Patton:** World War II would’ve ended early, Hitler would’ve died if he had kept his nose out of that shit.

**Craig:** Just don’t do anything. That is true.

**Patton:** Even deeper, they’re digging in the wrong place. He brings the [inaudible 01:15:14]. If he just left them, they never would’ve fucking found it!

**Craig:** They would’ve never found it. They would’ve been like, “You know what? Tanis is bullshit. Let’s go home.”

**John:** I want to see a Spielberg Q and A where you stand up and just really let him have it on this point.

**Patton:** That’d be great for my career. “Sir, excuse me. Patton Oswalt from Basic Cable. Listen.”

**John:** The Fabelmans aside, I [inaudible 01:15:36].

**Craig:** That’s awesome.

**John:** Patton Oswalt, thank you for being on the show.

**Craig:** Thank you, Patton.

**Patton:** Thanks for having me, guys. Thank you.

Links:

* [Patton Oswalt](https://pattonoswalt.com/) on [IMDb](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0652663/), [Twitter](https://twitter.com/pattonoswalt) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/pattonoswalt/)
* [“Wackity Schmackity Doo!” from Patton Oswalt’s Werewolves and Lollipops](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stuFuQOaHzM)
* [Animation of Patton’s “Christmas Shoes” joke](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq10bz3PxyY)
* [“The Ham Incident” from Patton Oswalt’s Finest Hour](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOyAlOWPuoY)
* [M.O.D.O.K.](https://www.hulu.com/series/202e4b17-c57e-4a2d-9c1d-342e3a092a22) on Hulu
* [Silver Screen Fiend](https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Silver-Screen-Fiend/Patton-Oswalt/9781451673227) by Patton Oswalt
* [Clinical Practice Guideline for the Evaluation and Treatment of Children and Adolescents With Obesity](https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/151/2/e2022060640/190443/Clinical-Practice-Guideline-for-the-Evaluation-and?autologincheck=redirected) by the American Academy of Pediatrics
* [Dracula: The Evidence](https://shop.beehivebooks.com/products/dracula) by [Beehive Books](https://beehivebooks.com/)
* [Melanie Lynskey answers questions for Dear Prudence](https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/01/melanie-lynskey-dear-prudence-advice-week.html)
* [Murderers’ Row – Melanie Lynskey](https://vimeo.com/244123581) by Scout Tafoya
* [The Unloved](https://www.rogerebert.com/mzs/the-unloved-part-110-tank-girl) by Scout Tafoya for RogerEbert.com
* [Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!](https://cottonbureau.com/people/scriptnotes-podcast)
* [Check out the Inneresting Newsletter](https://inneresting.substack.com/)
* [Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/gifts) or [treat yourself to a premium subscription!](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/)
* [Craig Mazin](https://www.instagram.com/clmazin/) on Instagram
* [John August](https://twitter.com/johnaugust) on Twitter
* [John on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/johnaugust/?hl=en)
* [John on Mastodon](https://mastodon.art/@johnaugust)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Timothy Lenko ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* Scriptnotes is produced by [Drew Marquardt](https://www.instagram.com/marquardtam/) and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/589Standard.mp3).

Scriptnotes, Episode 587: Toldja! The Nikki Finke Movie, Transcript

March 16, 2023 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2023/toldja-the-nikki-finke-movie).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** This is Episode 587 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Often on this program, we’re answering questions, but today we’re going to be asking perhaps the most fundamental question of them all. How Would This Be a Movie? That’s right, we’ll be looking at stories in the news and trying to fit them into a three-act structure, or more likely, an eight-part limited series structure. We’ve got doppelgangers, Craig, family drama, romance, and more.

**Craig:** My goodness.

**John:** Craig, you sounded sad in your hello. Do you want to explain to listeners why you’re sad?

**Craig:** Yeah. I’m in a new office, and everything’s wrong. Nothing’s in the right place. All my wires are messed up. My seat feels weird. The room is weird. My monitor’s funny, and it’s not in the right spot. I don’t do well with change. I really do not do well with change. I struggle.

**John:** Therefore you’ve chosen an industry in which day by day, week by week, you’re going to be doing new things. Maybe fundamentally, 50 years ago, you made some choices that brought you here. The first thing is acknowledging that you’re uncomfortable and then being able to move past that, learning to live with some of the discomfort, and rather than raging against the dying of the light, just accept that this is where you’re at.

**Craig:** I want to throw a tantrum.

**John:** Tantrums are great.

**Craig:** I don’t throw tantrums like angry tantrums. In Hollywood when you hear about people throwing tantrums, you immediately think of Scott Rudin stapling his assistant’s forehead to a desk or something.

**John:** Throwing a phone.

**Craig:** Or throwing a phone at someone’s mouth. All I want to do is just cry. I just want to get on the floor and cry.

**John:** Craig’s over-tired.

**Craig:** I kind of am. Honestly, it’s been a lot. We do this podcast. Then I also do a podcast for the show. Then I’m on other people’s podcasts. I feel like every day I’m podcasting.

**John:** That’s what the 2020s are is podcasting.

**Craig:** You know what? That’s all right, because this is the OG podcast.

**John:** Indeed it is.

**Craig:** You guys are my happy place.

**Megana Rao:** Aw.

**John:** Aw.

**Craig:** Thank you, Megana. See, John had no emotional response to that whatsoever, and you were immediately like, “Aw.” That’s why we love Megana.

**Megana:** Aw.

**John:** [inaudible 00:02:27]. We’ll talk through all these things on our podcast, but also, in our Bonus Segment for Premium Members, I want to discuss the frustrations surrounding and solutions for overpowered characters, both the characters we write but also obviously the DND characters that we’re playing, because I now have a 15th level warlock who has an 8th level spell. It’s so powerful, and yet limited in a certain way. With that power doesn’t come just great responsibility, comes really great challenges. We’ll talk about overpowered characters.

**Craig:** Which Level 8 spell have you chosen?

**John:** I chose Feeblemind. I’m questioning my decision.

**Craig:** That’s a great one.

**John:** It’s a great one. It’s a great one for a DM to pick against players, but I’m not sure it’s such a good spell for a player to pick against a DM.

**Craig:** That’s an interesting-

**John:** I’m dependent on you.

**Craig:** You are. We have only seen Feeblemind in action once, and it was you guys that got Feebleminded, weirdly enough.

**John:** It is brutal.

**Craig:** One of you did. When it works, oof. That’s all I have to say about that. Oof.

**John:** Let’s do some follow-up. Back in Episode 579, we had Rian Johnson facing off against ChatGPT. Megana, Bobby wrote in with a question.

**Megana:** Bobby wrote, “At this current moment, can a studio use a bot like ChatGPT to create stories, a basic outline, and then hire a WGA writer to write the teleplay? That is, instead of hiring writers to pitch on a story, they do that internally, they figure out the story they want to tell, and then they hire a writer to write it. They’re not paying a human being for the story by credit, the outline phase, or the pitch. Not like they were paying for pitches anyway. Am I right, folks?”

**Craig:** First of all, you don’t want them paying for pitches.

**John:** You really don’t.

**Craig:** I’m just going to keep saying this over and over. They don’t pay for things the way that we think that they pay for things. What they’re doing is buying things. Never say pay for pitches. Always say buy pitches. If they buy your pitch, they own it. They don’t do anything if they don’t own it. Please, for the love of god, no paying for pitches.

**John:** That actually speaks to one of the issues surrounding this. They don’t want to pay for things that they don’t own. They want to own things. It’s really unclear at this point whether something they generated through ChatGPT, a work of literary material they’ve created through ChatGPT, whether that’s even copyrightable. That’s still unsettled law at this point. That’s going to be one of the first things.

Backing up a little bit, I would say, Bobby, you have to keep in mind that a studio executive producer, anybody could say, “Hey, I want to do a movie about a guy who loves paperclips.” They could write up a thing and then give you the thing. If they’re writing up something that’s big enough, long enough themselves, they are a writer. They are creating literary material, in theory. The ChatGPT is a new wrinkle in this, but studio executives always could make up some stuff themselves if they wanted to.

**Craig:** I think that there’s probably some copyright law that’s going to need to be written. Many people don’t know this, that it’s enshrined in our Constitution itself. The founders, I think it’s fair to say, did not foresee artificial intelligence or guns that could shoot rapidly, side note. I think we’re going to need to write some law to make it clear that copyright is something that is afforded to humans and not AI.

Here’s what I think. I think that if a studio does this, then a lot of writers may be less inclined to actually come in and work on it. Even if they were, they would still have to rewrite the story no matter what. A story would have to be assigned to them. No, I don’t think this would work this way.

**John:** A thing to also keep in mind is that the MBA, the basic agreement that the WGA has for all writing work being done for the studios, already does have language in there that says a writer is a person, that the writer shall not be deemed to be any corporate or impersonal purveyor of literary material or the rights therein. There’s a lot of stuff in it that already says we’re talking about human beings there.

Is there space for clarification about how and when these tools can be used? Absolutely. I think it’s an open question about how we best do that. I don’t think at this moment as we’re recording this in 2023 it’s an imminent crisis. I do know that there are some projects out there where there’s folks who are saying, “We’re having a computer write this script. It’s going to be written by a computer.” Okay, but I don’t think that is the crisis next coming down the pike.

**Craig:** Agreed.

**John:** Another bit of follow-up, Yusef was writing about other people’s voices, Megana.

**Megana:** Yusef writes, “This is mainly for Craig. I recently got Apple Plus, and I’ve been catching up with Mythic Quest. I noticed you wrote a couple episodes for the series.”

**Craig:** One episode.

**Megana:** “In Scriptnotes podcast 585, you said you can’t imagine writing in other people’s voices.”

**Craig:** Correct.

**Megana:** Since Mythic Quest isn’t a show that you’re running, in typical TV fashion, the writers would write in the showrunner’s voice or the showrunner would rewrite the episode themselves. I’m curious if Ganz, Day, and McElhenney allowed you to do all the writing yourself, or did they still give you an outline and you wrote it in your own voice? Did they ever rewrite your episodes themselves?”

**Craig:** Okay, episode. Just want to be really clear. One, Yusef. I wrote the episode called Backstory! I have been in some episodes as an actor, but I’ve only written one episode of Mythic Quest. It was the episode called Backstory. It was in Season 2. Mythic Quest each season does a standalone episode. That was that season’s standalone episode.

I still continued to not write in the showrunner’s voice, because Backstory! did not take place in the same timeline as Mythic Quest. It took place decades earlier, in the ‘70s. There was one character in it that was from the main cast of Mythic Quest. We are portraying that character at a much younger age. It was consistent with that character’s voice but in a much different way. It’s a difference between a man who’s 80 and a man who’s 25.

The way that worked is I was in a room. I’ve never done this before. There are a lot of writers at Mythic Quest. You can break off into a little smaller group of writers. I’m going to apologize if I forget anybody who was on Team Idiot. That’s what we called ourselves. Team Idiot was myself, Katie McElhenney, Ashly Burch, Humphrey Ker. I think that may have been it. I apologize again if I’m missing anyone.

We just talked through how the story could function. We had the basic idea of it. We talked through what it could be. We outlined it on the wipey board. Then we brought in everybody, Rob and Megan and David and everyone, and we just pitched it out, told the story. They were all happy. They made some suggestions. We incorporated some of those suggestions into the story on the board.

Then I went away and wrote it by myself, because that’s how I write, like a weirdo alone in a small, dark room with the windows closed. I wrote a draft, and I sent it in, and they shot it. That was it. That’s how that worked. It wasn’t the normal way of doing things, I must admit.

For instance, I think Katie McElhenney, who did Dark Quiet Death in Season 1, which was that standalone episode, and stand-above, I’m pretty sure she did that Mazin style, in a dark room by herself, with the windows closed.

**John:** Circling back to Yusef’s assumptions is that if you were writing a traditional episode that had a bunch of the standing characters, you were on the normal sets, it was a normal episode, the expectation might be that you would need to match a little bit more of the style of how the scripts are normally working, just because stuff could be changing around, and everywhere else is doing the same. If you, Craig, had a really strange style on the page, it would be weird for everyone to have to grapple with a script that felt so different. That was not the case here.

**Craig:** This one was designed to be different. I don’t think I would ever dare to write a standard episode of Mythic Quest, because I think I would blow it, for this very reason. I think I can do one that’s carved out and has its own thing, with an ending, by the way, a real, solid kachunk ending.

I am amazed by the things that those guys can do in that style and also their ability to work with each other so well. It’s pretty great. A ton of credit to the showrunners there and everybody, honestly. They do a great job.

**John:** Last bit of follow-up, I just want to point out that on our podcast, we’ve had four of the Celebrity Jeopardy contestants on. We’ve talked to Ike Barinholtz and Joel Kim Booster at our live show. We knew they were both on it. Also, B.J. Novak and Matt Rogers.

**Craig:** Wow.

**John:** Out of 20-some people, 4 of them are Scriptnotes guests.

**Craig:** Maybe the rest of them should show the hell up.

**John:** I think so.

**Craig:** How have we not had Patton Oswalt on this show?

**John:** That I think is the greatest oversight of all.

**Craig:** Can I just say… Maybe this will help get Patton Oswalt on the show. Maybe he’s reluctant. Maybe he doesn’t like coming on podcasts. I don’t know. I will say this. He’s my favorite stand-up comedian. I think I’ve listened to everything he’s done, all of it. I think he’s brilliant, absolutely brilliant, just special. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t come on the show. Maybe he knows that and he doesn’t want to listen to me talk about it.

**John:** I think it would also be fascinating if the folks who were putting together the next round of Celebrity Jeopardy, if they are just going through our Scriptnotes guest list and figuring out-

**Craig:** Probably.

**John:** … “Who are we going to get on the show? They clearly will do very well and be incredibly popular on our program.”

**Craig:** I bet you that’s true.

**John:** The Venn diagram overlap is so exciting.

**Craig:** Venn.

**John:** How excited is Venn that, whoever Venn was or is, that their name is just always going to be there?

**Craig:** I think Venn is dead. I gotta be honest with you. There’s no way Venn’s alive. Megana, can you do a quick Google search for us to see if Senor Venn is still alive?

**Megana:** “Popularized by John Venn in the 1880s.”

**Craig:** There we go. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say we’ve heard enough.

**John:** I think Venn and Overton of Overtown window, they’re just up there in Heaven looking down at what they’ve created. It’s pretty great.

**Craig:** Yes, indeed.

**John:** Let’s get on to the question of the day. How Would This Be a Movie? We got a couple really good ones here from our listeners. I added one late to the podcast here, Craig, and I apologize. Just moments before you signed on, I added this here.

I want to talk you through this first one. It’s pretty straightforward. It’s simple but juicy and compelling. This is from NBC News, Andy Eckardt and Aina Khan writing this up. It happens in Germany. This 23-year-old woman, with the help of a friend, killed a stranger to stage her death and, quote, “start a new life due to family problems,” police and prosecutors in Germany said.

Basically, what happened in this story is you have this 23-year-old woman who starts setting up dummy accounts on Instagram, looking for another one who looks a lot like her, with the plan that she and her friend are going to track down this person, lure them under false pretenses, kill them, and make it seem that she’s the one who’s died, basically faking her own death by killing a stranger.

**Craig:** What a bummer. All you ever did was nothing. You just happened to look like an asshole. That asshole finds you and kills you. Oh, man.

**John:** Man. A couple of ranges of thoughts here. First off, I could picture the A-level movie version of this, like sort of Gone Girl, that kind of thing, where it’s actually more from the perspective of these people trying to commit this murder. It’s almost like Hitchcock’s Rope, where you’re there with the killers and you’re trying to do this thing or cover up this thing. That’s a total possibility for the A-list version of it. Also, this feels like this could be the A-plot of any given CBS procedural. It’s shocking, but it’s a way to do it, or a Law and Order.

**Craig:** In the old days there would be a movie, I think. These movies don’t get made as much anymore. There was a time where we were getting some really good neo noir films, Body Heat. I think you could make an interesting neo noir out of this. I’d love to see what Scott Frank would do with this. Do you want to know what my twist twist is?

**John:** Tell me, tell me.

**Craig:** Imagine this story. You’ve got a woman, and she’s murdered, and you’re trying to figure out why. Then you realize, oh, wait, the woman that we thought was murdered isn’t even the woman. It’s somebody else who looks like the woman, who’s gone missing. Somehow, if there could be triplets or twins… If there’s twins and they both are like, “One of you needs to die or seem to die. Let’s find somebody that looks like the two of us.” I don’t know, there’s gotta be some sort of twin thing that we could do.

**John:** Another thing that we’re discussing goes back to the actual, real people in Germany. Interestingly, the story that we are basing this off of, the names are all suppressed, because Germany has these very strict privacy laws. We don’t even know the names of the people who are involved here, which is just wild. For our purposes, I don’t think we’d need to know the names. I think we’re just taking this as a premise and applying it to something completely different.

**Craig:** I think so.

**John:** We’re saying this could be a movie. It can really scale. It can go all the way from A-plot of a given episode of a procedural to an actual, full movie.

**Craig:** I think it’s more likely that just by you bringing this onto the show, we will be seeing this on a procedural within a year.

**John:** I agree, because the ChatGPTs will have looked through the transcripts, found it, and therefore [inaudible 00:16:22]. That’s a possibility.

**Craig:** The ChatGPTs. I like that there’s an army of them now. I like it.

**John:** There’s a whole army.

**Craig:** I love it.

**John:** Let’s get to our next story. The headline for this is The Godfather, Saudi-Style. It’s Anuj Chopra writing for The Guardian. Craig, you did have a chance to read through this. This is a long one. I’m sorry for the long read there. I thought it was really compelling. Do you want to talk us through what you remember of it/

**Craig:** Sure. This is the story of Mohammed bin Salman, who we tend to refer to as MBS, came to power. I did not know any of this.

**John:** Nor did I.

**Craig:** He was not supposed to be the guy. There’s this interesting thing going on in Saudi Arabia that I was also not aware of, where the same family, which I guess they’re the Sauds, the House of Saud, has been running Saudi Arabia as a monarchy for quite some time. The way they’ve done it is by alternating I think between cousins or uncles.

**John:** It says in the family, but never direct, same family line. It always goes laterally, which honestly, I have to say, feels really smart.

**Craig:** The point of it was to avoid what just happened. The point is, no one little family line is the only one. This way, the family as a large entity doesn’t fall prey to what a lot of palace intrigue ends up with. It’s just families breaking apart and then one person just dominating the others. Yet that is what’s happened here.

**John:** Yeah, it is. There was a plan in place for who would be the next in line. You can think of this as Succession to some degree. It’s who is the next person who’s supposed to be there, who’s Nayef, who’s the king’s nephew.

**Craig:** Nayef, the king’s nephew.

**John:** Basically, he gets tipped off that there’s potential problems. It’s clear that he’s going to be… Basically, him and his guards get pulled out [inaudible 00:18:22] sign these documents saying that they are not seeing a succession and that MBS should be the next real person that should be doing this. It’s a palace coup. It’s not violent. This isn’t guns and such. Basically, by locking somebody down and not letting them leave the country, you’re forcing them to sign over their succession.

**Craig:** It was as close to violent as you can get without being violent. In fact, it did turn violent. Initially, it was just we’re going to lock you in a room and tell you that you’re going to resign and you’re going to pledge allegiance to MBS. If you do not, as the article states, your female family members will be raped. That’s an interesting way to just immediately go to 100 as part of your patriarchal monarchy. Just fascinating.

It also mentions in the article, I’m sorry to laugh, but I find this darkly amusing that they said, “First, your female family members will be raped. Second, we are going to withhold your medication for hypertension.” I think I’m stuck on number one. I gotta be honest with you. I gotta be honest. Number one is worse than me not having my hypertension meds, but fine.

I think at some point he was in fact re-detained, so he was, “Okay, you can just live here for a while.” Then at some point, as is often the case with these situations, the paranoid dictator does what paranoid dictators do and decide, “You know what? Actually, I think you are still a huge problem. I think what I’m going to do is lock you in a room and beat you.” There’s an implication that that also occurred.

While this is all going on, we also note that they had killed Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist. These guys are terrible. The extent that our country continues to do business with them, it’s just startling. Just startling.

**John:** The other main character involved here is a man named Saad Al Jabri, who is Nayef’s advisor and intelligence chief. He’s the man who was trying to give advice to him and help sort through the situation. He was out of the country as this all happened and was able to get most of his family out, except for two family members who were still there. Those two family members were not allowed to leave. MBS is basically saying, “No, no, come back, come back, and everything will be fine.” When Al Jabri doesn’t come back, MBS starts to trump up charges about corruption and other things, and so Al Jabri has to flee first to Canada and then to other places and ultimately is now in the process of filing a lawsuit against MBS.

**Craig:** Now that a lawsuit has been filed, I’m sure everything will be fine.

**John:** It’s a question of at what point do you speak up, because in keeping your silence, you might be trying to keep your imprisoned family members alive, but at a certain point, you have to speak up.

**Craig:** From the point of view of what we are doing, there are a lot of elements here that would suggest that this could be a movie. There are main characters. Al Jabri is a potentially great protagonist, because he’s very smart. He’s very capable. We love watching movies where protagonists are smart and capable and are attempting to out-maneuver very powerful people with entire states behind them. Al Jabri has done it. He could smell that trouble was coming and just went, “I think I’m going to go to Turkey real fast.” I think days later, it was clear that he had made a very smart decision. The challenge in bringing this story to film is that I don’t know if it’s over yet.

**John:** It’s not.

**Craig:** That’s the biggest issue for me.

**John:** You’re right in the middle of it. I feel like with some time, with some closure, you can really tell the whole story, but right now it just feels like a dot dot dot. There’s not a way out of this. I think there’s useful things you could take from this in terms of the dynamics and apply them to another story, but I don’t think you can directly take what’s happening in the House of Saud right now as the meat of either a movie or an eight-part limited series. There’s exciting moments that are happening, but it doesn’t feel like there’s a resolution here.

**Craig:** I do think this is also tricky territory given that access to information is difficult here. Also, to be fair to writers, the Saudis apparently have no problem committing violence against innocent people who do nothing other than report the truth. You have to be aware if you’re going to be digging deep into the situation that you’re going to be drawing some unwanted attention.

**John:** Scrutiny that’s not only applied to you but applied to the production, applied to anybody who’s involved with the production. That makes it much less likely that you’re going to see something, this exact story being told. That’s just the reality.

**Craig:** Until there is a resolution, yeah, I agree with you.

**John:** Let’s talk about Nikki Finke.

**Craig:** I swore I never would, but okay.

**John:** You never would, but here we are.

**Craig:** Here we are.

**John:** This is actual context for it.

**Craig:** It’s a great, great piece that was written here.

**John:** It really is a great piece. This is Jacob Bernstein writing for the New York Times. For folks who are outside the industry and don’t know who Nikki Finke was, Nikki Finke created Deadline Hollywood, Hollywood Daily if you want to call it that. It was a website, a blog that rivaled Variety and Hollywood Reporter, ended up supplanting them and becoming more important in the daily workings of the town. It was always about breaking the news in a very bombastic way, a lot of opinion mixed with facts, a lot of bullying on behalf of Nikki Finke, who was this larger-than-life character. She was feared and loathed, but also sometimes admired.

What I like about this piece is that I think it was fair in the sense of talking about she was not a good journalist in any sort of good journalist sense, but she was just a smasher and destroyer of things in sometimes ways that needed to happen.

**Craig:** I don’t know if she was good enough to quality as a double-edged sword. She certainly broke stuff around her. It reminds me of, you’ve seen Glass Onion, the wonderful speech that Rian Johnson wrote about what disrupting is. It’s mostly just breaking shit. She broke a lot of shit.

She was journalistically irresponsible. I don’t think that that’s any kind of slanderous thing to anyone. This is a woman who would report things. They were wrong. People would tell her they were wrong. She would then edit the article to change them but would not indicate that any correction had been made, which is fundamental standard of journalism. She was a bully. She did scream at people. She was mean. She would threaten.

The only thing that was really fascinating about me to Nikki Finke was that she was not doing it for the reason everybody else does stuff for in Hollywood, which is money. She didn’t seem particularly concerned about money. She lived alone in an apartment. She was angry. You could just tell that she was really angry at Hollywood. She liked to put on the mantle on angry companies on behalf of the working people. I don’t think that’s true either, because she was super buddy-buddy with a lot of these people that ran Hollywood. I think she just liked breaking stuff. I really do.

**John:** I think you’re right. I think you could say inadvertently she had maybe shined a spotlight on some real problems in entertainment journalism in the sense that because of advertising and other things, they are so uniquely linked and tied. They’re never objectively reporting about the things that are happening in the town. Because she wasn’t beholden to those things, she could report on things that no one else would report on and say things other people weren’t saying in print, but they weren’t always accurate or truthful. That’s why she developed this terrifying reputation.

What was interesting about this stuff that was brand new that I’d never seen before was really her relationship with Jay Penske, who was the very rich person who bought out Deadline and Hollywood Daily and ultimately I think Variety as well, plus a lot of other magazines and journalism places. Her relationship with him was really fascinating, the ups and the downs and how she hated him and yet how he was the one who actually showed up in her last days in Florida.

**Craig:** You get the feeling that Nikki, for people who knew her, because we sure didn’t. I only had one brief exchange with Nikki Finke, and it was terrible. I think that was true for a lot of people. For the people who knew her, you can get this thread of care-taking, that they were worried about her a lot. The article talks about what appears to be, if not a suicide attempt, a legitimate threat to do self-harm. She was sick. She was physically sick. She had diabetes. This sums it up. I’ll read from the article.

“One year, Miss Finke lamented to Mr. Penske that she wasn’t looking forward to Thanksgiving. She didn’t cook and planned to spend the holiday alone in her apartment on a day when restaurants were closed.” That’s rather sad. “Mr. Penske stopped in at the Beverly Hills Hotel, ordered a three-course meal, and took it to her building,” himself, by the way. He’s a billionaire. “Soon after leaving it with the doorman, he heard from her by phone. The meal included a sweet dessert, which enraged the diabetic Miss Finke.” Quote, “’She said I was trying to kill her,’ Mr. Penske recalled.”

Now we can laugh about this, but I have to say, so much of what I read in this article implies that Nikki Finke was struggling with mental illness. Her mood swings, which apparently were quite extreme, her, what would you call it, shut-in-ness?

**John:** Reclusivity or agoraphobia.

**Craig:** Yeah, her life as a recluse. Also, you could tell from her work there was something compulsive about it. She would be there, sometimes reporting things within seconds of them happening. Then a lot of times, if her reporting was late or somebody else got the scoop, she would make these bizarre excuses, which I guess goes way back to when she was working for other people. She would just constantly be calling in with strange and bizarre excuses for why she was late. That’s why she got fired from everywhere. She just would not make her deadlines, amusingly enough, for a woman that created a site called Deadline.

It seems like there was a lot of mental illness going on here. To the extent that she was suffering, I feel bad for her. To the extent that her suffering led her to inflict that pain on other people, I am not sorry for her. She was a fascinating person. I think you could make a very interesting story about her. It would need to be rather small, because I think this is about as inside baseball as it gets.

**John:** I was looking for comps and thinking about what kind of movie this is. Can You Ever Forgive Me might be one, in that you have a character who is abrasive and really off-putting, and yet ultimately because the lens is on her, you can actually understand why she feels she needs to do the things she needs to do is an option.

**Craig:** It is, but that story I think is better because it’s not about Hollywood.

**John:** Agreed.

**Craig:** That’s the part about this that… Remember The Late Shift, the movie, the Betty Thomas film about the late-night wars?

**John:** The late-night wars.

**Craig:** That was well done, but it’s a confection, because ultimately, the stakes are as low as they can be. Who will get to host The Tonight Show? It’s not that important. It was well done. I think you could do something like that. It would need to be in its own way funny. I don’t think you can do a super heavy version of this. I just think it would be too much.

**John:** I do remember that too. I think it’s also a question of where you start and where you stop. Do you start the story when she’s dismissed by the trades or basically unable to get the job that she wants and creates this site for herself, which is inspiring rise, and then the crash and the sale and all that? Maybe. It’s a question of is that the course of a movie or are you doing that as a limited series. I don’t know that there’s probably enough stuff to make it more than two hours worth of entertainment.

**Craig:** I think that there is the potential for a camp classic. You’re talking about this emotionally wild human being who is a shut-in in her apartment and yelling at people on the phone. This could be Mommy Dearest. If it is, I’m there.

**John:** I think it’s a good point. I think to take this as a jumping off place to get to something bigger and funnier, great. Movies about Hollywood sometimes get awards, but they’re not generally huge hits is the other thing to be thinking about.

**Craig:** They are not generally huge hits. Generally speaking, I don’t like them. There is something inherently narcissistic about movies about movies, which is why I’m still so impressed by The Fabelmans, because I just loved it so much. It was about Hollywood. Generally speaking, I just don’t like movies about Hollywood.

**John:** We have two more here. The first one comes from a listener, Josie. She writes about the nun and the monk who fell in love and married. This tells the story of Sister Mary Elizabeth and Robert, who’s a Carmelite monk. They’re both in their 50s when they meet. What struck me so much as so interesting about this is they barely spoke. It was like he touched her elbow or something, and that was the spark that sat the whole thing up and going.

**Craig:** So hot.

**John:** Craig, you’re saying so hot. Do you think there’s a story here to be told?

**Craig:** No. It’s adorable. I think it’s very sweet. It shows you that love can flourish, even in the strangest ways. It was such a sweet thing to read the way that the two of them were like, “Wait, what did we just do?” and then all the things they have to go through, and then somehow yet on the other end of it, there they are in love with each other and it’s working is beautiful.

I think there’s been another article at some point before about arranged marriages. This isn’t an arranged marriage but it almost is, in the sense that if all you know of each other is that one time, my elbow hit your elbow, you arranged your own marriage. The fact that it lasted… There’s something fascinating about this. I wonder what’s going to happen.

We’ve gone so far down the road. Megana, you knew I was going to turn to you at this point. We’ve gone so far down the road of, everybody just pick who you want and it’s entirely up to you and choose what you want. Everyone’s just drowning in choice to the extent that people really are struggling to make choices.

Here’s my proposal. You do a Tinder, except instead of hookup culture or even just dating, it’s like, we’re going to give you a choice of 20 people. You can meet five of them and you’re going to marry one of them. Now you’re married. Do you think that app catches on in the future?

**Megana:** I think what’s so fascinating about this story is that it was an accident, and she only met him once after, what, 24 years in this convent?

**Craig:** Yeah.

**Megana:** How do we simulate that?

**Craig:** Basically, then what you’re saying is you can use this app, but when you register for it, you are sworn to celibacy for 24 years. At that point, I have to say everyone’s going to start looking real good. Great point. Not sure we have a way to monetize this. Concerned about the business plan. I don’t know. I thought there was something very inherently encouraging about this, but I don’t know how I would make it a movie. Can you figure this out?

**John:** We should say that the article we’re reading about is from Aleem Maqbool for the BBC, and there’s probably other versions of this that may go into more depth on certain things. I wouldn’t be surprised if they write their own book at some point.

Here’s the thing that sparked for me, is that we always think about this love at first sight happening to teenagers, because that’s when this should happen, but the fact that these two characters who should not have been looking for love at all, suddenly it happens, it’s just overwhelming when it happens, is nice and is inspiring.

I wondered if it was a play, and then I decided, no, it couldn’t be a play, because I think I need those close-ups. I need those moments. I need to see those elbows touching that make that happen. I don’t think it’s a play. I think it’s an Emma Thompson and some other British actor in it. Maybe it’s great and it wins a bunch of awards.

**Craig:** Isn’t that Howards End anyway?

**John:** It is Howards End to some degree.

**Craig:** I think when it comes to restrained romances, Age of Innocence comes to mind, with the little touch of the hand, or even in a very sick way, Silence of the Lambs, is the moment where their fingers touch, and it’s like that’s the extent of our weird romance. There is room for that. I just don’t know if this is the story that’s going to get you there.

**John:** I’ll say unlike Silence of the Lambs, I think there’s a gold circle movie to be made here. You know what I’m talking about, which is that classy British but also very cheery, or a working title.

**Craig:** A working title sounds like a better fit.

**John:** You can see how this whole package came together and why Universal is releasing this now. I think there’s something that can be charming about this. Also the fact that everyone else around them should be like, “You’re not supposed to be falling in love.” It’s just like, but why? They know it’s love. That could be inspiring.

**Craig:** Don’t you want to write this scene though? I’m quoting from the woman here, Lisa, who was Sister Mary Elizabeth, when she told her prioress how she was feeling. “The prioress was a little bit snappy with me, so I put my pants and a toothbrush in a bag and I walked out, and I never went back to Sister Mary Elizabeth.” I’m like, wait, okay, toothbrush I get, sure, but then also “my pants?” Socks, shirt, underwear?

**John:** Nope, don’t need none of those, just pants.

**Craig:** Deodorant, scissors, hairbrush? Just toothbrush and pants. I guess when you’re a nun, that’s what you got.

**John:** Got what you got.

**Craig:** You got what you got.

**John:** We also have a history of… Looking back to The Sound of Music, the decision to leave the nunnery is a big, momentous decision. Any movie that we make about this is going to echo back to that, just because that’s one of our favorite references, which is great too.

Our takeaway from the story of the nun and the monk, I think there’s maybe a movie here. This is a case where you might actually want to use their life rights, so you could say it’s based on a true story. You would have to get their official version.

**Craig:** My feeling is, as we often conclude with these stories, that this may be good fodder for side characters in a movie. If you’re doing a romantic comedy and your neighbors are a former nun and former monk who fell in love and married, that might be a very interesting side amusement. I don’t know if I would want to watch a whole story just about the two of them.

**John:** Let’s wrap up on a story that Rosario sent in. This is about 13 stranded strangers who go on a road trip. We’ll link to a version by Francesca Street for CNN. Essentially, it’s a bunch of folks. Their flight landed in Orlando, but they needed to get to Nashville. There was no way for them to get to Nashville because of plans getting canceled. A bunch of them had to get to Nashville by a certain time. They decided let’s just rent a van all together and drive from Orlando to Nashville, Tennessee. Craig, what do you think of this as a premise?

**Craig:** It’s a fine premise. There’s a wonderful musical called Come From Away, which is very similar in its own way. It’s about a plane that was diverted on 9/11. The only place it could land was I think in Newfoundland. It’s about this tiny, tiny little town with all these folks who are there stranded, because the airspace is shut down, and people coming together and meeting each other and all that. Yes. It’s just it’s very small is my concern.

**John:** It’s really small.

**Craig:** It’s just people in a van.

**John:** It’s people in a van. It’s a road trip story. You’ve made some road trip stories. They’re not easy, because you don’t have a place to come back to. It’s not quite clear. You have a destination, I guess, but you just have a physical destination. You don’t have an emotional destination for where you’re trying to get these characters to. The fact they start out strangers can help to a degree, but you’d probably want to build some relationships already within those characters so you can really see what it is that’s happening, so you can see progress and growth. Think Little Miss Sunshine. It’s not about the journey. It’s about the people in the van that are important.

**Craig:** I think part of the problem is there are too many people in the van. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles basically is this. That’s what happens. Their flight is canceled, and there’s only one car to share, and so these two strangers have to share a car and drive. It’s been done. I think if you can concentrate on two people or three, that’s fine too, but 13, eh.

**John:** That’s going to be too many people. I think Breakfast Club rules kick in at a certain point. You would have five. More than that, it’s too much.

**Craig:** Have you ever seen Spike Lee’s Get On the Bus?

**John:** Never have.

**Craig:** It’s fascinating. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a very simple plot. It was back when they did the Million Man March. Spike basically gets more than 13. It was probably 20 guys on this bus. The entire thing is the trip. It’s just the bus ride, with little breaks here and there. While there are a few moments of some small, what I would call plot action, mostly it’s these men talking and arguing and laughing and fighting. It’s really interesting as an experiment, because you are stuck on the bus with so many people.

What holds it together is the fact that it’s about a social issue, clearly. The point is they’re going to the Million Man March, and they are debating their own lives and their own history and their own future. There’s something to discuss. I don’t know what they talk about on this.

**John:** You’re not going to be obsessed with Nashville. Getting to Nashville is important to the individual characters, but it’s not important for the movie.

**Craig:** Exactly. There isn’t anything that connects them other than the fact that they were all supposed to be flying to the same place. It wasn’t like they were joined together by social issues or anything like that. I don’t think this is a movie.

**John:** I don’t think it’s a movie either. Let us talk through now our candidates here and see which ones are going to be movies and which ones are not going to be movies. Doppelganger murder?

**Craig:** Television show episode. Episode of a TV show.

**John:** The Godfather, Saudi-Style?

**Craig:** One day. Not today.

**John:** One day. Not today. Last days of Nikki Finke?

**Craig:** No.

**John:** The nun and the monk who fell in love and married?

**Craig:** Side characters.

**John:** Side characters. Thirteen strangers we think is probably not it. I’m going to say doppelganger murder is probably most likely to be the movie. I think it might be a Sundancey movie that could potentially break out.

**Craig:** That’s our best bet.

**John:** Thank you to everybody who sent in these suggestions. Sometimes they come in to ask@johnaugust.com. A lot of times, people are just tweeting them at me or stuff, and they’re good. We love it when you find those and send them in our direction. I propose we answer one listener question, seems timely, from Embarrassed. Megana, can you help us out?

**Megana:** Embarrassed asks, “What do you do when the movie you wrote gets terrible reviews and you agree with them? I had a movie get made at a big level, and I’m so grateful that it got made, but I don’t love what the director did with the script. I don’t want to seem bitter or burn bridges with anyone or seem ungrateful. How would you recommend handling this in meetings and even just with your own family? How do you talk about a project that didn’t turn out like you dreamed it would?”

**John:** Craig and I, we’ve both been there.

**Craig:** I don’t know what you’re talking about.

**John:** First off, Embarrassed, it’s amazing that you had a movie get made at a big level. That’s fantastic. You’re better for having gone through the experience of it all. I’ve been there. What I will say in meetings is like, “Oh wow, yeah, thank you. It was a real challenge. It wasn’t quite the movie I wanted it to be, but I’m glad it worked. I’m glad it had success.” You can say things like, “It was weird to agree with the critics on it.” I would say you don’t need to volunteer about the bad experiences you had unless you think they’re relevant for the discussion you’re about to have, like why you never want to work for that director again.

**Craig:** There’s really no great advice here, Embarrassed. When it doesn’t come out the way you want, the only thing you can say is, if someone mentions it, you can say, “Ultimately, it was not the movie I wrote. The director took it in a different direction.” That’s I think fair to say. That’s all you need to say. I think everybody will get it.

**John:** There may also be a way to put it in a positive direction, say, “It’s a really interesting situation, because here’s a story that I actually wrote,” and basically talk about what the plan was. Then you don’t have to get into… They saw the movie. They know what the result was. They can see, oh, you’re that kind of writer. You’re the kind of writer who wrote that script that would’ve been a different movie. That can be useful.

**Craig:** There’s another thing, Embarrassed, that I think is worth mentioning. That is that these days, everybody is absorbing and soaking in review culture. When John and I were starting out, there weren’t even that many reviewers. Reviewers worked for newspapers. There are only so many newspapers. There’s four billion outlets right now online that write reviews. Everyone writes reviews. The old joke “everyone’s a critic” is now a fact. Everyone is a critic. There are so many reviews. They all get slurried into the Rotten Tomatoes score or a Metacritic score, and so now there’s metrics attached to reviews. Then on top of that, even people that aren’t writing reviews professionally are writing reviews on Twitter. Everyone’s reviewing everything constantly. It’s just what people do.

You may therefore feel a little worse about this than perhaps you should, because in the old days, you’d get your ass kicked in a bunch of newspapers. You’d feel bad. Very few people are even reading those things. Most people are just like, “Oh cool, you got a movie made. That’s awesome.” That’s it. Nobody would really dig any deeper. It just wouldn’t matter.

Just keep that perspective in mind that you may be feeling this intensely just because you’re swimming in the waters of reviews. It might be worth taking a break and turning some of that stuff off, because here’s what has happened. You got a movie made, and that this the beginning, my friend. Somewhere down the line, something great is going to happen for you. You will be happy. You will feel terrific. People will come up to you and tell you it’s wonderful. You don’t get there until you do the first thing.

The other thing is let time do its job, because 20 years from now, people are going to have a very different opinion of that movie. I don’t care what it is. They just do. That’s how it works.

**John:** I think we can also offer some very specific advice for Embarrassed, because we’re not going to say this on the air, but Megana has a note in the Workflowy about what the actual movie was that came out.

**Craig:** (singing) Megana has a note.

**John:** I’m looking at the title. I know that’s a movie. I know it’s a movie that came out. I have no idea what the critical reception was. I didn’t see it. I don’t know what people are saying about it. I would say that was a big movie. That’s what a lot of people are going to know about that movie. It’s a movie that came out, and that’s awesome. I honestly think that credit is not going to hurt you. Your feeling that it’s not a great movie is not important. It’s not going to weigh on anything.

**Craig:** You’re in the business. You’re writing movies that get made. In features, directors get all the credit. We know that. They also get all the blame. Your job is to write a movie that people agree to make. You didn’t cast it. You didn’t shoot it. You didn’t edit it. You probably weren’t on set. If you were, you were visiting, because that’s how features work, unfortunately. You did your job.

Of course you’re going to want it to turn out better. Of course you’re going to want the director to have done better and all of that. I completely get it. This is a great beginning for you. Don’t apologize for this. You can just say, “That really wasn’t the movie I wrote, but the movie I wrote got everybody to agree to make a movie,” and that’s of value.

**John:** Absolutely. It’s time for our One Cool Things. My One Cool Thing is Nothing Forever on Twitch. Craig and Megana, if you’re not seeing it, Nothing Forever is an animated, pixelly animation of a Seinfeld episode.

**Craig:** I’ve seen it. It’s cool.

**John:** It’s the Larry stand-up bits, which are Jerry Seinfeld’s monologue things. Then you’re in this apartment. These characters are moving around in really awkward ways and sitting on couches and on their heads. It’s all crazy and goofy. It’s all generated basically by AI and algorithms and a bunch of prebuilt assets that are just doing this thing. Basically, it’s constantly creating a new episode of a Seinfeld-like show in real time. It’s really unusual and unnerving to watch. It’s not good, but it’s fascinating.

I think the degree to which we talk about AI coming for our jobs, I don’t think they’re going to be writing the kind of stuff that we’re writing. I think they’re going to be making stuff like this that’s actually compelling and strange, that no human would ever actually try to do. I think that’s in many ways the real danger, like what is it that I’m watching, and why can’t I stop watching it? I think it’s really interesting.

If you’re clicking through the links right now, you may find it’s not available, because just this morning as we’re recording this, the account was suspended for transphobic content because of things that the algorithms itself had generated. It had characters saying bad things that the creators had not intended, and so the creators are apologizing and trying to fix it, which is again another exciting challenge to this kind of thing. Nobody wrote it, but it created a thing that actually got itself banned.

**Craig:** It’s canceled. We have canceled AI. Listen, it’s important for artificial intelligence to learn. These are learning machines. Maybe it needs to learn from what it’s done and do better.

**John:** Indeed. It’s taking some time to listen and really reach out and reflect.

**Craig:** I’m looking at what it was suspended for. It’s very strange. In a weird way, it’s almost anti-bad. There’s actually a weirdly subtle thing of it’s making a comment on the thing that’s not good, but still. Let’s put it this way. There is a line in the thing where it’s suspended, where the AI comedian, the Seinfeld literally says, “No one is laughing, so I’m going to stop.” I think that’s incredible. Wow.

**John:** Craig, did you have something for us?

**Craig:** I do. I purchased an item called the Manta Sleep Mask. This is available wherever you shop online, I’m sure. It is not expensive, like the last thing that I thought was not expensive but turned out to be expensive. This one’s $35.

**John:** Great.

**Craig:** You may say, “$35 for an eye mask?” Here’s why I love this one. I don’t wear eye masks normally at night, but if I’m on a plane and I need to sleep, I absolutely wear one. One of the things that we have been learning over time about light and sleep is how important it is to keep it out of your eyes. We talk a lot about some of the fancier, newfangled things, like not as much blue light. You probably have the night shift thing set on your tablets and so forth. I certainly do. That’s nice, but it seems like blue light, not blue light, the most important thing for sleeping is no light.

The thing with eye masks is they’re super annoying. I hate them. They come off my face. They squeeze my head. They pinch my eyes. I don’t like the way they feel. This thing is great, because they’ve designed it so that there are these eye cups. It floats away from your face, but it really does a good job of sealing out the light. It doesn’t mush around to the left or the right when you turn your head and sleep on your side. The eye cups themselves are Velcroed to the straps. You can move them to fit, because the distance between our eyes is different for everybody. For me, I’ve found this to be an excellent travel solution. Big recommend for the Manta. What a nice name for it too, the Manta Sleep Mask.

**John:** I think I’ve recommended sleep masks before, because I’ve slept with a mask for 10 years or so. I sleep every night with a mask on.

**Craig:** Really? In your own bed at home?

**John:** At my own house, absolutely.

**Craig:** Wow.

**John:** I want absolute darkness. I think they’re great. Yes, they take a little getting used to. So often, I think people’s only experience with masks are when they’re on a plane and they’re using those cheap ones that come in little kits.

**Craig:** Those are bad.

**John:** Those are really bad. That’s not what we’re talking about. These are going to need to be soft. Definitely they don’t touch your eyeballs, which is crucial. You should be able to open your eyes with a mask on, without your eyelashes touching. That’s what this will allow you to do.

**Craig:** Exactly.

**John:** It’s great. I really recommend, if you’ve not tried sleeping with a mask, get one of these, because it really is just a better night of sleep, and you’re out.

**Craig:** Love it.

**John:** Cool. That is our show for this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Megana Rao.

**Craig:** Pachoo.

**John:** It is edited by Matthew Chilelli.

**Craig:** Chow.

**John:** Our outro this week is by Timothy Lenko. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions. For short questions, I’m sometimes around on Twitter @johnaugust, but not consistently, so send it in to ask@johnaugust.com.

You can find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s also where you’ll find transcripts and sign up for our weeklyish newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. We have T-shirts and they’re great. You can find those at Cotton Bureau. You can sign up to become a Premium Member at scriptnotes.net, where you can get all of the back-episodes and Bonus Segments, like the one we’re about to record on overpowered characters. Craig and Megana, thank you so much.

**Craig:** Thank you.

**Megana:** Thank you.

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** Craig, so this past week at DnD, we leveled up. We went down a level in the dungeon. We went up a level of our characters. I got to pick a new spell for my warlock named Klaus. Here are the choices I had. I had Demiplane, which was not going to be situationally very useful, Dominate Monster.

**Craig:** In the Dungeon of the Mad Mage, no. Dominate Monster, excellent spell.

**John:** Excellent spell. It basically lets you not just charm but really control a creature.

**Craig:** Control a creature.

**John:** Feeblemind, which was done against us shortly before, which basically just knocks somebody down to a Level 1 intelligence. They can’t do anything meaningful.

**Craig:** And charisma.

**John:** And charisma, yes. It really keeps them from casting spells and things. Glibness, which is a skill I don’t have, which is the ability to speak extemporaneously and [inaudible 00:54:13] charisma checks. Maddening Darkness, which is a powerful darkness that does damage on the people who are inside it, and Power Word Stun, which stuns people.

I picked Feeblemind because there’s a recency bias. It had just been done against us, and it felt great. It also felt like a good way to knock out a spell-caster, except I’m also thinking a lot of spell-casters could counter-spell that, and then I’ve just burned an incredibly expensive spell on them.

**Craig:** Hard to counter-spell that one though. It is a higher level spell. As they go up, trickier to counter. I think Mind Blank probably-

**John:** Protects against that?

**Craig:** … protects against Feeblemind. Yeah, it does. Mind Blank is a pretty awesome spell. It’s is also an 8th level spell. That’s 8th level wizard spell, pretty sure. Oh, and bards apparently can do it as well. Feeblemind is a great spell against casters for sure. You don’t want to cast it against a dum-dum monster, because it’ll just still punch you. Really good spell against anybody that’s using charisma in particular, so warlocks. If you’re going up against another big warlock, Feeblemind would be a really good one.

**John:** This got me thinking about overpowered characters, because now Klaus is at a level where he can do some really impressive things. I can lock somebody in a force cage and basically take them out of a fight, which is great.

It got me thinking about overpowered characters in DnD but also overpowered characters as they relate to the stories we’re trying to tell. I think we talked about the challenge of Superman on previous episodes, where you have a character who can do so much, who’s so powerful, that you end up having to look for his small weakness. You have to find the kryptonite so you have some ability to stop him. It makes it very hard to fit him in with other groups of characters, because he’s just so overpowered.

**Craig:** Overpowering leads to power inflation. The more powerful a hero is, the more powerful the villain has to be, so that we care. What ends up happening is this blunting of ability, where you get very excited that somebody is such a badass. Then you’re like, oh no, a mega badass has appeared. At some point, isn’t it just all the same then? If Superman is trading punches with-

**John:** Darkseid?

**Craig:** Yeah, Darkseid. He’s going up against Darkseid. Now it’s just these gods punching each other in the face, which is fun, but it does turn into the whole Thor is fighting with Hela, and you’re like, they’re the same.

**John:** They’re gods.

**Craig:** Now it’s just fistfight again. You get that weird inflation of power, all the way to Thanos can wipe out half of the universe and that we can do these things. For me, as a DM, the challenge of running a campaign with… There are seven of you guys, who are all Level 16. You’re a Level 15 warlock, but you’re also a Level 1… What’d you dip into?

**John:** Artificer.

**Craig:** Artificer. Seven Level 16 characters are demigods. The danger now is that every encounter will either be trivial or you’ll all die. The ability to craft close battles is becoming much, much harder because you guys can beat almost anyone. It’s tricky.

**John:** What you’re describing in terms of the DM’s challenge is really the screenwriter’s challenge or the TV writer’s challenge in terms of figuring out ways, when you have characters who can do all these things, how do you create scenarios in which they are challenged, and yet it still feels like they are recognizably human, it still feels like they’re relating to things at a normal human level. That becomes just really, really tricky thinking about the Superman problem, like Doctor Strange and Wanda Maximoff, which again, super incredibly, incredibly powerful characters.

In the case of Wanda, you’re looking for what is she really trying to do, how do we set up the things that she’s actually focusing on, which is basically to get back to her sons. How can that be a driving factor? Yet we as an audience have very little ability to understand what are the limits to her power, what is it that she cannot do. You end up having to have other characters describe someone that’s putting other guardrails around where the edges of her power is. It’s really tough. I think we sometimes under-appreciate how tough it is to write incredibly powerful characters versus people with more normal levels of ability.

**Craig:** You begin to get stupid. I don’t know how else to put it. There was a video game I played years ago called Turok, the Dinosaur Hunter. It’s a cool game. You were running around. I think you were on another planet. You must’ve been on another planet where there were a lot of dinosaurs but also bad guys. As you go, no surprise, the monsters get tougher, bad guys get harder.

Like a lot of first-person shooters back then, it was about weapon fetishization. You start with a gun, but then you get a shotgun, but then you get a big shotgun, but then you get a rocket launcher. Where it ended up was you have a gun that fires small nukes. That’s where you ended up. You were literally firing nuclear weapons out of your gun, which of course should theoretically kill you as well. It just got stupid. That is stupid. It was fun. Oh my god was it fun, but it was stupid fun.

The one time in Predator, way way back when, in the end, spoiler for the movie from the ‘80s, the Predator explodes himself and it’s a nuclear explosion, which Arnold Schwarzenegger runs from, jumps, does the whole something behind me is exploding jump, lands and takes cover behind a log or something, and he’s fine.

**John:** He’s fine.

**Craig:** He was at Ground Zero of a nuclear blast. He’s all right. They don’t show his character going through intensive cancer treatments years later. That was hysterical but also stupid. I know I’m going to get angry fan mail about that. That’s part of the fun of overpower is like, oh my god, what a badass, but then what it costs you is…

Another case of overpower, Highlander. There can be only one. He’s the one. Now let’s make more Highlanders. They’re overpowered. They’re eternal. They can kill everybody with their swords. This guy killed all those people with his sword.

**John:** I want to point out though, going back to your Predator example, because the most recent Predator I thought was a really, really good version of Predator. I loved it.

**Craig:** Grounded.

**John:** Grounded. I think one of the reasons it was grounded is that the Predator character could seem overpowered and yet it has put limits on what it’s willing to do, in terms of it could fly off in its ship. It’s not going to fly off in its ship. It’s going to do some stuff. Therefore you can use the overpowered character’s abilities against itself. That’s ultimately how they are defeated, which is true to the Predator ethos. An overpowered villain is not nearly as much of a problem for the screenwriter as an overpowered hero is.

**Craig:** Yes, although the overpowered hero will lead to overpowered villains. I see in the notes here you reference The Matrix. That’s what happened in The Matrix. What a great movie.

**John:** Great.

**Craig:** I love The Matrix. It is just gorgeous from beginning to end. It has a wonderful end. Then the demands of sequel made it so like, okay, he’s definitely God in The Matrix, so what do we do? Let’s bring back the bad guy, but let’s bring back a thousand of him.

There are so many interesting things that are happening in The Matrix sequels that I really enjoy, that are fascinating. That was the part that was the least interesting to me, because you could feel it getting silly. You were losing a sense of reality to anybody getting really hurt or really dying. It was getting so mythological as to disconnect me from a relationship with it. That’s one of the costs of overpower.

**John:** I’ve been thinking recently about why there are not more movies being made about the Greek gods. I think it really does come down to that. It’s very hard to have any sort of grounded things happening to them, because they are just literally gods. Their powers are so vast, it’s hard to find a challenge for them.

**Craig:** The great Greek dramas were about humans that were being toyed with by the gods or encouraged by the gods. The stories of the gods in their internecine warfare feels more like reading bible stories, where you’re like, “I don’t really think that that happened like that. I don’t believe that Jesus is fighting Satan in Hell.” I don’t really believe that, I don’t know, Chronos ate his children. I don’t know where any of this stuff comes from. It’s all rather silly. What is interesting is Persius.

**John:** Exactly.

**Craig:** He’s interesting. That story is fun. Jonah and the Whale, Jonah is interesting. People are interesting. One of the problems with the proliferation of the superhero genre is that we’re just disconnecting with people. The more superheros are like people to me, the more interested I generally am in them. I love Spider-Man. I love Batman, because Batman’s a person. Spider-Man’s a kid. I love that.

**John:** Craig, Megana, thank you for a fun show.

**Megana:** Thank you.

**Craig:** Thank you!

Links:

* [‘Doppelganger murder’: Woman accused of killing Instagram lookalike in plot to fake her own death](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/doppelganger-murder-woman-killed-instagram-lookalike-fake-death-rcna68318?cid=sm_npd_nn_tw_ma) By Andy Eckardt and Aina J. Khan for NBC
* [The Godfather, Saudi-Style](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/nov/29/mbs-v-mbn-the-bitter-power-struggle-between-rival-saudi-princes) by Anuj Chopra for the Guardian
* [The Last Days of Nikki Finke](https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/21/style/nikki-finke-hollywood-journalist.html) by Jacob Bernstein for the NYT
* [The Nun and the Monk who fell in Love and Married](https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-64125531) by Aleem Maqbool for BBC
* [13 stranded strangers went on a road trip. Here’s what happened](https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/chance-encounters-canceled-flight-van-road-trip-13-strangers/index.html) by Francesca Street for CNN
* [‘Nothing, Forever’ Is An Endless ‘Seinfeld’ Episode Generated by AI](https://www.vice.com/en/article/qjkyxp/whats-the-deal-with-nothing-forever-a-21st-century-seinfeld-that-is-ai-generated) by Chloe Xiang for Vice
* [Manta Sleep Mask](https://mantasleep.com/)
* [Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!](https://cottonbureau.com/people/scriptnotes-podcast)
* [Check out the Inneresting Newsletter](https://inneresting.substack.com/)
* [Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/gifts) or [treat yourself to a premium subscription!](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/)
* [Craig Mazin](https://twitter.com/clmazin) on Twitter
* [John August](https://twitter.com/johnaugust) on Twitter
* [John on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/johnaugust/?hl=en)
* [John on Mastodon](https://mastodon.art/@johnaugust)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Timothy Lenko ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* Scriptnotes is produced by [Megana Rao](https://twitter.com/MeganaRao) and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/587standard.mp3).

Scriptnotes, Episode 585: Do Muppets Bleed?, Transcript

February 28, 2023 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2023/do-muppets-bleed).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** This is Episode 585 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters. Today on the show, what are the unique characteristics that allow you to distinguish one writer’s writing from another’s. We’ll talk about writer fingerprints, voice, and situations where you may need to mimic someone else’s style. Plus, we have a lot of listener follow-up.

**Craig:** Good.

**John:** In our Bonus Segment for Premium Members, we often answer writer questions about producers, but here we have one from a producer asking about how to best handle a writer who can’t seem to finish or deliver on a script. If you want to know what advice Craig, Megana, and I have for this producer, you can find out as a Premium Member in about one hour when we get to that segment.

**Craig:** That’s worth the five bucks right there.

**John:** Right there. Right there.

**Craig:** Right there.

**John:** You know what’s worth more than $5?

**Craig:** What, Segue Man?

**John:** A spot on Scriptnotes if you are a writer, because we are the number one podcast for getting Oscar nominees to happen. That’s what I’ve decided.

**Craig:** I think you might be right about this.

**John:** Our track record this year, pretty darn good. Sarah Polley, Oscar nominee. Rian Johnson, Oscar nominee, Daniels, Oscar nominees. You count them as one or two people?

**Craig:** I count them as one bi-person duology.

**John:** Absolutely. Although she wasn’t on the podcast this year, she’s a previous guest, Pamela Ribon, and she was a One Cool Thing, so I think that counts for her animation nomination for My Year of Dicks.

**Craig:** Absolutely. It’s so funny, Year of Dicks triggered something in me.

**John:** The title or the film itself?

**Craig:** The title. I’m so glad I got to say that and it’s preserved eternally. Have you watched Poker Face yet?

**John:** I haven’t watched it yet. I’m excited too.

**Craig:** I saw the first episode of Poker Face last night, which is the new show from Rian Johnson and the great Natasha Lyonne, who by the way, have we had Natasha on the show?

**John:** No, she was never on the show.

**Craig:** We’re going to change that momentarily. It was a delight. There was a line that was said not once, but twice, possibly thrice. “Cloud of dicks.” It made me happy. I think we have entered the dicks phase of language.

**John:** Yeah, 100%. Now, I worry though that the success of these writers who came on the Scriptnotes podcast is only going to make it worse for Megana. I don’t know if you know this, Craig, but publicists are flooding her inbox.

**Craig:** I know.

**John:** We need to stop that.

**Craig:** There’s nothing we can do about that really. They’re going to find whoever they can find, and I don’t blame them. I honestly don’t. The thing about these awards seasons is… You’ve been involved in one. I’ve been involved in one. The publicists are constantly looking for these angles. The ones that they love the most are the inside baseball ones, where they know you can go and talk to people for an hour, it’s actually a fun conversation, it’s not brutal, and it’s going to be over-sampled by the people voting in the Guild Awards and for the Academies.

I get it, but also, dear publicists, we’re not a talk show really. This is my favorite kind of show, me and you alone with Megana. Alone with Megana. That’s a great song title. Didn’t Air Supply do that one?

**John:** I do want to acknowledge that most of the people we’ve had on the show who are writers who get awards were people we just knew independently of publicists. There have been a couple cases where the only place that we could find these people were because of publicists, and some of those have turned out great too. The Greta Gerwig episode is a fantastic episode. I don’t know Greta Gerwig from anybody, but because of publicists, we were able to be connected together. I’m not digging publicists. They serve a great function. I just want to make sure that we are true to our goals of not becoming just a talk show.

**Craig:** I think we really do try and limit it, even among our friends. We have friends that still bug me, like, “Why haven’t I been on your show?” Because that’s not what we do. It’s not our thing. Then every time we do have a guest, I’m like, “I’m going to hear from people.” It’s honestly not our focus. We are not a come on and plug your thing. The reason that we talk to people almost always, not always, but almost always, is because there is a personal connection. Even the Daniels was just down to, I’d had a nice chat with one of the Daniels on Twitter. There was some connection there.

**John:** I met them up on the mountain at Sundance.

**Craig:** There you go. There you go.

**John:** There was some connection. The person we’ve not been able to get on the show, and we’ve kind of tried, we haven’t tried that hard, but James Cameron is a get that we’d love to get, because not only his most recent work, but how incredibly influential his writing style for films like Terminator and Aliens. Action writing is different because of him. It would be great to have him on the show.

**Craig:** I am a huge, huge fan of the script for Titanic. I just love it. I love it. It would be great to talk to him for my own interest. I’m that selfish. If other people want to listen, fine, but I want to talk to him.

**John:** We’ve been trying to make that happen. At some point, maybe we can make that happen. In the meantime, if you want to read any of these scripts that are nominated, you can now, thanks to Megana Rao, read them on the Weekend Read beta. Weekend Read is the app my company makes for reading scripts on your iPhone. We have a beta for the new version. It’s really good. It’s really fun. We now have all the For Your Consideration scripts up in there if you want to read them. The new version has notes. It has a read aloud feature, which is fun.

**Craig:** Nice.

**John:** If you would like to try the beta on that, we’ll put a link in the show notes to that. It’s just a simple test flight. There’s still kinks that we’re working out, so if you want to try it out and tell us what’s working and what’s not working, that would help us out a lot.

**Craig:** Don’t kink-shame.

**John:** No. Kinks are good. Kink-celebrate.

**Craig:** I’m giddy today. I’m clearly giddy.

**John:** You are giddy. Let’s talk about why you’re giddy, because you had a rough start to your day. Do you want to tell us what happened this morning?

**Craig:** It was an up and down sort of day.

**John:** Literally.

**Craig:** Exactly. Upside, The Last of Us has been renewed for another season.

**John:** Hooray!

**Megana Rao:** Congratulations.

**Craig:** Thank you. I was very happy about that. Then on the downside, there’s some businessy, contracty nonsense. Every now and then, you just get a call from your lawyer where you’re like, “Wait, what? What?! What?!” I just got grouchy about that. It’ll all be resolved. Nobody freak out. Then I went and took a shower, and I was moving quickly, because I didn’t want to be late for this show.

**John:** You don’t want to break your perfect streak of being on time.

**Craig:** Exactly, because I’m always so punctual, and I really felt like it’s important to not blow it. That’s obviously really important to me, and so I raced. Coming out of the shower, I slipped and I fell in the bathroom. As I was falling, I did a pretty good job of… Time slows down, and you basically get spidey senses. Your body knows somehow, something terrible is about to happen, so your brain goes into a mega state. Everything got slower. I was able to get my hand out to slow things down. I was also able to turn. I took all of the brunt of the fall on my hip, which as you know, is something that old people break all the time. Now I know why. I did not break my hip. I was on the floor, and for a second I was like, “Did I just… No, I think I’m okay.”

There’s a comedian, Alonzo Bodden, who does this bit about how when you’re in your 20s and you fall, you just pop back up and your only concern is, “Did anybody see me? Because I looked really stupid.” When you’re in your 50s and you fall, people tell you, “Whoa, don’t get up. Stay down.” Then he said when you’re in your 80s and you fall, people fly in from out of state. I decided to stay down for a bit, and then I was like, “Everything’s fine.” Then I got back up, and I was just like, “Oh, for God’s sakes, what a start to the day.”

**John:** I’m so sorry, Craig. I had a fall at the end of last year. We were skiing. Skiing is inherently kind of dangerous. You’re going to fall while you’re skiing.

**Craig:** At least you fall on snow.

**John:** I was going in to change my gloves or something. I’m walking in ski boots, which are perilous anyway. I hit some wet concrete, slip, and start to fall. Yes, again, time starts to go more slowly. In fact, they think what’s actually happening is that time isn’t moving more slowly but your memory of it is moving more slowly. It takes more slices. That’s why it seems like-

**Craig:** Interesting.

**John:** That’s why you remember it happening slowly.

**Craig:** I like that.

**John:** I start to fall. I end up falling and hitting my ribs against this row of seats. I bruise my ribs. They’re still now recovering.

**Craig:** Are you sure you just bruised them?

**John:** If I’d broken them, it would’ve been harder to breathe.

**Craig:** It’s probably true.

**John:** Also, there’s not a lot they can do for broken ribs [crosstalk 00:09:12].

**Craig:** There really isn’t. You can’t cast them. You just basically tell people don’t take deep breaths.

**John:** The rib I bruised the most is one of the ribs in back that’s not actually connected to anything. It free floats, which is kind of great, but also they could just remove it like they removed Cher’s ribs. I was thinking, “Maybe they can just remove the rib.”

**Craig:** Did they really remove Cher’s ribs?

**John:** I think that is not just a Snopesy thing. We’re going to look it up right now, because I don’t want to put false information out. Snopes Cher rib.

**Craig:** I’m doing it too, Snopes Cher rib. “Did Cher have ribs removed to make her waist smaller?” False.

**John:** False.

**Craig:** False. The claim was Cher had her lowest pair of ribs surgically removed to achieve an ultra-small waist. That is apparently false. In fact, it doesn’t seem that really anyone has done that.

**John:** I’m looking up Marilyn Manson too, the other thing I’ve heard.

**Craig:** For a totally different purpose. We could say auto-fellatio on the show. I don’t think that that violates any… Marilyn Manson, who apparently is a horrible person, from everything I’ve read… Am I allowed to say that on the show?

**John:** Yeah. I think we avoid libel by saying you’ve heard people say that he’s not a good person.

**Craig:** I don’t mean to slander anybody. I’m just saying I’ve read things online. It sounds like he’s a horrible person. Some terrible claims have been made against him by people that I have no reason to doubt. The rumor that had been out there is that he had ribs removed so that he could perform auto-fellatio, which it can’t possibly be true.

**John:** No, it doesn’t seem like it’s true. People apparently are asking him, and he’s giving vague non-answers, probably because he wants the story to continue. Anyway, circling back to-

**Craig:** Boy, have we gone off… Wow.

**John:** Craig and I both fell down and hurt ourselves, and we’re older, but we’re okay.

****Megana:**** Aw.

**Craig:** I like that Megana’s like, “Oh, you guys are so cute, falling down.” Megana, you’re the one that’s going to have to take care of us.

**John:** Megana has a sore throat.

**Craig:** Oh, you have a sore throat?

****Megana:**** I have a sore throat, yeah.

**Craig:** Oh, dear. Oh boy.

****Megana:**** It’s normal. It’s a cool thing to have.

**Craig:** Is it?

**John:** It’s a very useful sore throat.

**Craig:** Megana, I gotta push back on that. I don’t think it’s cool at all.

****Megana:**** It’s not cool, but I got it from being social and fun, not from the two stories we just heard.

**John:** At a party.

****Megana:**** I got it at a party.

**Craig:** Not from some pathetic old man lost his balance thing. Cool. Cool cool.

**John:** We actually have a PSA, not really a question or a follow-up, but from James, which is also about medical-related things. Megana, would you help us out with that?

****Megana:**** James says, “This isn’t a question. It’s a reminder for all writers to look after their tools. For the last couple of years, I’ve been struggling to write. I would feel mentally drained whenever I started writing. Depression and writing became synonymous in my mind. I wasn’t looking at things clearly, literally. I got my eyes checked a few weeks ago, and it turns out that I needed reading glasses. That’s all. The effort required to read was causing me stress and fatigue. These glasses have given me a new surge of creativity, and it’s a joy to write again. If we’re sighted, our eyes are a key tool for our job. Please look after them.”

**Craig:** That’s fantastic, James.

**John:** That’s fantastic. I feel very seen by James, because a thing I’ve noticed over the past last few months is some days I wake up and my eyes are just not working quite right. It’s not that I need my reading glasses on or need them off. Just my monitor is hard to read. I actually have an eye appointment to go in and see if I need some sort of medium distance glasses. Right now, as we’re recording, eyes are crystal clear, everything is so sharp, but there’s times where it’s hard just to read, and writing’s tougher.

**Craig:** You don’t wear reading glasses?

**John:** I wear reading glasses only for very close distance things.

**Craig:** I see. John, alas, that is changing. John, your body is going through changes. Have a seat. Let’s talk about what’s happening with your body. Your eye muscles are dying, and so are mine. I will say the more you use reading glasses, the-

**John:** More you depend on them.

**Craig:** Oh my god, because your eye muscles are like, “Thank you. We’re done. Everybody go home. We retire.” I think it’s fun actually. I am enjoying this part of being old. I feel like this is the best old time. What follows this is not good old time. This is fun old time, like, “Oh, I need glasses. Oh, I slipped and fell, but really nothing happened, lol.” The 20-something that I work with on my show laughs about it, and that’s funny. In 10 years it’s going to be sad.

****Megana:**** Also, just because most people on the podcast don’t get to see this, you do have quite a flourish when you put your reading glasses on.

**Craig:** I do?

****Megana:**** Yeah.

**Craig:** I like to snap them open and slap them on. Everybody knows when the reading glasses go on-

****Megana:**** It’s business time.

**Craig:** It’s business time. Decisions are about to be made.

**John:** A trick for people is that if you are starting to use reading glasses, like I am, get on Amazon. You can get packs of 10 that are basically all the same. You just leave them around places in your house, so you don’t have to worry about, “Where are my reading glasses?” Your reading glasses are everywhere, and that’s a really helpful thing you can do, just like pens. Just have a pen everywhere you need a pen.

**Craig:** Try and make as many friends as you can in their 50s and 60s, because they’ll always have reading glasses with them also. I used to look at people 10 years ago in a restaurant with their glasses and their phones with the lights on, looking at menus. I’m like, “What is wrong with these people?” It me.

**John:** You’re the problem.

**Craig:** I’m the problem.

**John:** We have another question that I think we can actually maybe answer, about Apple Podcasts and Siri. Megana, help us out.

****Megana:**** Anthony writes, “I had a weird change in my normal listening habit when I upgraded to a new OS on my phone. I’m using an iPhone 12 Mini and I just upgraded to iOS 16.2. I’m subscribed to the show via Apple Podcasts, and when driving, I used to be able to press a talk button and say, ‘Play Scriptnotes podcast,’ and it just started playing the latest episode or wherever I left off. Now after this update, if I say, ‘Play Scriptnotes podcast,’ it says you have to blah blah blah Apple Music to do that. I tried changing it to say, ‘Play Apple Podcast Scriptnotes,’ and it didn’t work, starts playing Apple Podcasts but other shows. Without boring you to tears, I’ve managed to verbally get it to play a couple of times, but I can’t remember the exact phrasing that worked.”

**John:** This is a form of prompt engineering. It’s almost like what ChatGPT is, like what am I going to say to this device to get them to do what I want. We have the same kind of problem occasionally. In the morning, we ask Siri to play us the news. We say, “Play the news from NPR,” or just, “Tell us the news.” Sometimes it works like that, and sometimes it doesn’t.

What I think Anthony needs to do is be a little bit more specific. I think the real trick here is that the podcast we’re listening to is not Scriptnotes, it is Scriptnotes Podcast. For whatever reason, when we first set it up, we called it Scriptnotes Podcast. If he says, “Play Scriptnotes Podcast in Podcasts,” it should work. I listen to Overcast, and I’d test it, that, “Play Scriptnotes Podcast in Overcast,” will pull up Overcast and it’ll play in there.

**Craig:** Is there a way to change that, so that just saying Scriptnotes would work? Is there somebody we could talk to?

**John:** I think we would probably break… It’s too risky. There’s too many things that could break because of it.

**Craig:** What if I talk to Tim Apple? Would that help?

**John:** Tim Apple could fix all of it.

**Craig:** I’m telling you, this is going to… John, hang on. Just hang on, because this is going to be a show. It’s going to be a show, buddy. It’s going to be a show. We’re going to have a great time.

**John:** Also, what’s important for people to understand is that we think about Apple controlling podcasts, but they really don’t. It’s just an RSS feed, like your old website, Craig. That RSS feed has really nothing to do with Apple. It’s just people tend to use their iPhones to listen to podcasts.

**Craig:** I just wanted to say Tim Apple.

**John:** Tim Apple. Craig, we have talked before about IP-based movies. I think one of the things we got to was there was going to be a Pet Rock movie at some ponit. The moment has come. I was talking with a writer who’s going to pitch on the Pet Rock movie. We had a great conversation about what the Pet Rock movie should be.

**Craig:** I don’t hate it. Did you have a Pet Rock by the way?

**John:** I didn’t have an official Pet Rock bought at the store. I got a rock out of the garden and drew some eyes on it.

**Craig:** Oh my god, that’s the saddest thing in the world.

**John:** I don’t know what to tell you.

**Craig:** You were too poor to have the $4 Pet Rock?

**John:** Yeah, it’s true.

**Craig:** Oh my god.

**John:** Basically, my parents said no.

**Craig:** That is the most Eagle Scout thing I’ve ever heard from you, and you have quite a bit of Eagle Scoutness as an Eagle Scout. I had the actual branded Pet Rock, and I’ve got to tell you, it’s superior to your homemade faux rock.

**John:** Tell me why it was better.

**Craig:** No, it wasn’t.

**John:** What are the characteristics of a real Pet Rock? Are their googly eyes glued to it?

**Craig:** Yes, there are googly eyes glued to it. That is essentially what it was. Megana, have you even heard of Pet Rock?

****Megana:**** I’ve heard of Pet Rock. I’ve never actually seen one. I haven’t held one.

**Craig:** There’s probably a few out there still in the wild. The joke of it was I think it was invented as a novelty to make fun of consumerism. It was like, “Look how stupid everyone is.” People would buy a Pet Rock. It’s a gag gift you’d give to somebody on their birthday, “Ha ha ha, I bought you a Pet Rock.” Then it just became a fad, a real fad. In the ‘70s, fads happened in the weirdest ways. We watch fads happening now live on Twitter or Instagram.

These things would just emerge in these crazy, organic ways until eventually they filtered down to people on Staten Island. Then it subverted the whole point. The whole point was look how ridiculous it is. Then actually people were like, “We want Pet Rocks.”

What we have now are a lot of people running Hollywood who are in their 50s and 60s who are remembering Pet Rock. This to me is the epitome of pointless in that nobody who’s going to… They’re not making the Pet Rock movie for people in their 50s and 60s. They’re making it for kids. Kids don’t know about Pet Rocks. Zero cache for them. It could be good though. It could be.

**John:** It could be good. It could be good, just because there’s literally a blank slate, as the writer said. There’s many rock puns you can get to.

**Craig:** I get it. Slate.

**John:** Here’s what I’ll say. I think the idea of this thing that should be completely inanimate being the central character of a story is interesting in the wake of Marcel the Shell with Shoes On and the moments in Everything Everywhere All At Once which are about two rocks just sitting and watching the end of time. I kind of get it, but they’re going to want it to be a big, four-quadrant movie. They’re going to want it to be Minions, and that’s going to be challenging, but somebody’s up for it.

**Craig:** If you made a movie called Rocks and it was about animated rocks, that would be perfectly… We know that you can make a wonderful animated movie based on almost anything. It’s just the fact that they think Pet Rock has some kind of value.

**John:** I’m curious whether Pet Rock is a trademark, whether they held onto a trademark for that or if it’s just [inaudible 00:20:40].

**Craig:** That’s a great question. I don’t know, although now I’m seeing that apparently there is a Pet Rock that is introduced in Minions: The Rise of Gru. Perhaps this is why. It may be that the Pet Rock has been revived via Minions.

**John:** The other revival of the Pet Rock of course is Elmo’s longstanding beef with Zoe on Sesame Street about her pet rock. Zoe wants to save a piece of pie or a piece of pizza for her pet rock. Elmo’s like, “It’s just a stupid rock.”

****Megana:**** His name’s Rocco.

**John:** His name’s Rocco, the pet rock.

**Craig:** Does Elmo physically fight Zoe? Do they fight? Is there blood? Do muppets bleed?

**John:** Do muppets bleed? We’ve got a title for the episode.

**Craig:** Hey, Siri, do muppets bleed? I just triggered a lot of phones out there.

**John:** We will follow the development of the Pet Rock movie. The other thing, which I don’t know if we talked about on the show before, is I was curious why is there not a General Mills cereal movie. Why is there not a Franken Berry movie? Why is there not a Count Chocula?

**Craig:** Why isn’t there?

**John:** I looked it up, and there was a whole plan to make them, and it all fell apart.

**Craig:** Things do tend to fall apart a lot in Hollywood.

**John:** Things fall apart.

**Craig:** That is true. Hold on a second. I just had a cool idea for a movie.

**John:** Please.

**Craig:** It’s an animated movie. It’s basically a battle royale between all of the cereal mascots.

**John:** The mascots, yeah.

**Craig:** All of them. There’s so many. Right off the top of my head, there’s Cap’n Crunch, there’s the Trix are for kids rabbit, there is the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

**John:** Love it.

**Craig:** Snap, Crackle, and Pop. There’s the Honey Smacks Dig ‘Em Frog. Was it Honey Smacks?

**John:** Dig ‘Em Frog, yeah.

**Craig:** There’s the Dig ‘Em Frog. There’s the wizard from Cookie Crunch or Cookie Crisp. It was a wizard.

**John:** Cookie Crisp wizard. We obviously have Boo Berry.

**Craig:** Franken Berry, Boo Berry, Count Chocula, the bee from Honey Nut Cheerios. What else do we need to say?

**John:** It’s IP-alooza. It feels like it could be Laff-A-Lympics, which is great.

**Craig:** Or Space Jam.

**John:** Space Jam is really the comp for it, although those were all within one studio. Getting them all together would be a little bit tough, but completely doable.

**Craig:** You just have to settle the great Kellogg’s/Post war. That’d be fun. Somebody get to work on that.

**John:** Easy done. Craig, we’ve talked before about the preface page or whatever we want to call that page after the title page, before the script itself starts. Thanks for Adrianne Cespedes who wrote in with this preface page Tár. Craig, would you mind reading the preface page from Tár?

**Craig:** Sure. Here’s what it says. “Based on this script’s page count, it would be reasonable to assume that the total running time for Tár will be well under two hours. However, this will not be a reasonable film. There will be tempo changes and soundscapes that require more time than is represented on the page, and of course a great deal of music performed on screen. All this to say, if you are mad enough to greenlight this film, be prepared for one whose necessary length represents these practical accommodations.” That’s great.

**John:** I really like this. I like it because here we have Todd Field warning the studio distributor that the film is going to be long, but also it feels very Tár-like. It feels like it’s in keeping with the spirit of the film, which is going to be like, “I am going to set impossible standards that are going to make you a little uncomfortable. Let’s get started.”

**Craig:** You can feel the intelligence radiating off of this. The formality of the language is setting you up for Tár. It’s wonderful and I think probably wasn’t necessary, but additive. If Todd hadn’t put this there, the people would’ve read it and said, “Wow, this movie’s great.” Then you would’ve said, “Terrific. Now, if you want to make it, I gotta tell you, blah blah blah blah blah.” I like that he put it in anyway, because it sets the table.

**John:** That’s what a preface page does is gets you ready for the read. We have a question from Lorenz in Vienna here.

**Craig:** Should I read it?

**John:** Megana, do you want to read this?

**Craig:** I don’t want to take Megana’s job.

****Megana:**** I appreciate that, Craig.

**Craig:** You’re welcome.

****Megana:**** Lorenz from Vienna writes, “In Episode 582, Craig briefly mentioned paid script consultants and what he thought about them. I then went back to the transcript of Episode 71 and was surprised to read that essentially you seemed to consider them a waste of money at best and dangerous quacks at worst. I’m an early career writer-director in Europe, and over here, script consultants are an integral part of the industry, with dedicated state funding for them during script development.

“My own experience with consultants has been very positive, and judging from what I’ve learned about writers’ rooms on your show, the relationship feels a bit like a mini room, with the consultant acting as a conversation partner and providing outsider’s perspective on the script. Most of the consultants I know are screenwriters themselves, but the relationship between the quality of their feedback and the measurable success of what they have written is not necessarily linear, similar to how someone might be a successful artist but a terrible arts teacher and vice versa. I’d be curious to hear if this is a completely different kind of consultancy to what you were talking about, what you think about it, and if this kind of relationship exists at all within the Hollywood system.”

**John:** This ties in actually really well to the Bonus Segment we’re going to be talking about, because that is a British writer and producer, and they have a whole thing called a script editor, which is not a thing we have at all here. Craig, let’s open our minds and think about, what if there were a person who came in to sit down with a writer to help them get their script better? What do we think about that person?

**Craig:** It sounds like things work quite a bit differently there. I’m trying to dig under the hood of this comment from Lorenz, because it almost feels like script consultants with state funding are operating the way our development executives operate over here. It’s quite a different thing. We’re talking about people that other people pay, like the government, to help develop screenplay and art in Europe.

Lorenz, here in the United States, these people that I’m talking about, writers pay them directly. They are out there saying, “Hey, hire me on a private basis. You pay me this much per hour or this much per read, and I will give you notes,” and things like that. Writers are essentially paying for the thing that in your country the government is funding. To that extent, there’s the problem. You end up with a lot of… When you drive down a city street and you see, I don’t know, store fronts for psychics, you can go in there and pay them if you want. It’s probably not going to work.

**John:** I agree with you that I think the real corollary here is probably development executives, which is a little bit different than producers, so we should talk about what the difference there is. A producer is a person who’s trying to get your film made.

Craig has talked a lot about working with Lindsay Doran, who is a great producer and has also worked as a development executive in times. She is a person who you can really have very in-depth conversations about your script and what you’re trying to do and how this scene’s working and how that ties into the next. She’s not a writer. She’s a person who works really well with writers. If that is what the script consultant is for someone like Lorenz, that’s great.

Really though, we’re getting back to what is the paid relationship, and is the person really any good. I think so often we’ve just encountered terrible, terrible people who are billing themselves as script consultants, who really have no business doing that at all. That’s I think the reason why we’re so gun-shy about recommending any script consultant is because we’ve had so many bad experiences or people coming in to us with terrible advice, terrible notes. People are just taking their money.

**Craig:** People are just taking their money. Our operating principle here is that there are perfectly good positions in Hollywood where people are paid, and often quite handsomely, to do the job of helping writers develop a screenplay. The executives who work at the studio are paid by the studio to obviously help the studio, but in doing so, try and give the writer advice and feedback. Then there are producers who are more entrepreneurial, but they too are being paid by someone else, certainly not the writer. That’s fine.

If your goal is to give writers notes and shepherd and develop, then you should be trying to be a studio executive or a producer. If you can’t, because say you’re not good enough, then perhaps you decide instead, “Oh, I know what I’ll do. I’ll just go out there on my own and just start making writers pay me for this. In order to convince them, I will talk about how brilliant I am and what wonderful insight I have.” Eugh.

**John:** Thinking back to my time up at the mount in Sundance, the Sundance Institute works a lot like this. The consultants, the advisors they’re called for Sundance, they’re not paid. They’re volunteering their time to come up there to sit and work with these writers about their projects. It is not a governmental thing, but it has an organizational integrity quality to it. People are doing it for the best possible reasons and trying to make the best possible films.

Hopefully, that’s what you’re finding there in Austria, Lorenz, is someone who’s doing that. I want to make sure that when we are talking about script consultants negatively, we’re really talking about our experience of Hollywood hucksters who are taking writers’ money and making things worse.

**Craig:** Hollywood hucksters, that’s a great way of describing them.

**John:** Great. One last bit of follow-up here. Megana, we have Jake from Dallas.

****Megana:**** “I was listening to John and Craig talk to Sarah Polley, and it reminded me of how supportive and nice the three of you are.”

**Craig:** Aw.

****Megana:**** “Each of you are very smart and insightful people, which probably means you could be the ‘actually’ person to always correct others, who always tries to one-up those around you or the one who’s just waiting for their next opportunity to shower the conversation with their magnificent oration instead of listening to the people we’re sharing our time with. The Sarah Polley conversation was another example of you behaving in a supportive, constructive, and nice manner. Have you learned this anti-‘actually’ trait over your careers or do you think you always had the capacity to listen and contribute?”

**John:** It was very nice of Jake to write in with that. I thought it was a great episode too. A lot of people [inaudible 00:31:18] how much they enjoyed the Sarah Polley episode. Craig, what do you think? Actually, what’s going on here?

**Craig:** Actually…

**John:** It’s all Matthew cutting out all of our actuallys. That’s really what it is.

**Craig:** He has a filter now that just automatically strips everything of actually. I think that you and I learned this as we were starting out, because in a way, I think we were forced to, because of the way we were doing the podcast. This was obviously well before Zoom. We generally don’t look at each other when we’re having these things anyway. It’s all audio and certainly was at the start. When you are having a phone conversation with someone, which is what this essentially is, you need to give that person space. Also, I have to say I have occasionally sampled podcasts. I admit it. One of the reasons I struggle with podcasts is because people are constantly talking over each other, and it makes me crazy. What about you?

**John:** There are podcasts where that’s just the nature of how they work. It’s a tacit agreement between the host that that’s how it all works. It’s oneupmanship and who’s louder. That’s just never been us. My One Cool Thing actually ties into this.

**Craig:** Actually.

**John:** Actually. It’s basically how you set affordances so that people can say what they need to say or what they want to say, how do you ask questions that lead to interesting answers and continuing discussion. There’s some prep work there, but it’s also just mostly listening to what the person wants to tell you.

**Craig:** I think being interested in the people you have on your show is probably a good idea. I will also say that in a personal growth sort of way, it’s been made clear over the last few years by a lot of women that men in particular talk over them. You and I, I don’t think we ever talked over anybody when we had them on the air. I am certainly aware of just the general concept of not mowing people down when they’re talking. I like a nice, slow discussion.

The first scene of this season of The Last of Us is basically a Dick Cavett talk show. I am obsessed with Dick Cavett. I watch these videos of old Dick Cavett interviews, and it’s almost like from another planet of people talking and listening. They’re talking at length. It’s not about constantly entertaining the crowd. You can tell that the discussions haven’t been pre-organized and curated the way they are on talk shows now. I miss that, and to the extent that we can contribute to that sort of culture, I think that’s great.

**John:** I think also our guest selection is crucial. Sarah was a great example of that. Taffy Brodesser-Akner could take over Craig’s spot tomorrow.

**Craig:** Good. Please.

**John:** She definitely has that ability to just keep it all going. There have been times where a publicist has been insistent and gotten somebody onto the show, have been more of the frustrating times, where it’s like, I don’t have a thing to get to next. There have been a couple interviews, actually not that have been on Scriptnotes, but some live things, where the person was not interested in hitting the ball back. Man, it’s just tough.

**Craig:** It’s brutal. It is almost worse when people aren’t listening to each other. Turn on any news channel now. It’s just people yelling at each other constantly. Aren’t you amused when… It’s always two guys. Two guys are talking, and they’re angry at each other and they’re arguing, and neither one of them is willing to stop talking to let the other one talk, so they just keep going, like a game of chicken where the cars keep smashing into each other over and over. It’s remarkable.

**John:** They’re encouraged to do it because it generates conflict and it seems exciting. I hate it. A podcast I’ll recommend to everybody, and I think I talked about this on the show before, the Attitudes podcast with Erin Gibson and Bryan Safi is terrific and a great example of people who can talk over each other and yet they’re clearly listening at the same time, because their brains are synced in a way, and they’re improv people, so they can just keep building and building and building in ways that are delightful. I love it when I see people who are doing that really well. Cool.

**Craig:** Agreed.

**John:** Craig, our main topic here, this came from a recent issue of Inneresting. It was a recap of an old post of mine where I was talking about the things you do that make your writing unique, that you aren’t even aware that makes your writing unique. I also include a quote from Dara Resnick, where she was talking about how sometimes on a writing staff, one of your real goals is to lose your style and just mimic the showrunner style.

I thought I would talk for a few minutes about the kinds of things that are unique to one writer, where if a script dropped on your desk, Craig, and it didn’t have a title page on it, you could sometimes tell, “Oh, this was written by this person.”

**Craig:** Some of that stuff is magic and hard to parse out. Sometimes it’s almost scary to parse it out. I certainly don’t want to do that to my own stuff. Have you ever seen the Aaron Sorkin supercut?

**John:** I think I know what you’re talking about, which is basically just the dialog thing that does always happen in Sorkin dialog.

**Craig:** Exactly. There’s this collection that they’ve pulled from, all the years of West Wing and whatever the SNL show was and Sports Night and A Few Good Men and all the movies. There are these phrases and comments and styles and things that just keep coming up over and over and over. It’s not really self-plagiarism as much as it is just the fingerprint. It’s the style. Now, he’s a very stylistic writer. Part of knowing that it’s Aaron Sorkin is the hyper-literacy and the speed and all the rest of it. Everybody I think who’s good has a signature to them. Figuring out what comprises that is really interesting.

**John:** With Sorkin, there are words that you can cut together in a supercut. In other cases, it’s actually a little bit hard to parse. I’ll put a link in the show notes to this story about how they figured out how that Robert Galbraith, the writer, was actually JK Rowling. It was just basically forensic linguistics.

**Craig:** That was her nom de plume.

**John:** Nom de plume, her pen name. It was a secret that she was Robert Galbraith. There had been some rumors that it could be her. What they did is they went through and they compared the texts and they looked for sequences of adjacent words, sequences of characters, and a third test was on the most common words, and a fourth was about the author’s preference for long or short words. Basically, that’s what builds up that fingerprint. It’s like, “Oh, we are 90% certain that this is actually the same person writing these two things.” These were not deliberate choices that Rowling was making. It’s just that that’s just what happens. It’s just like you do things just because that’s how your brain works.

**Craig:** We can hear each other in our rhythm. Sometimes people will do an impression of me. When they do, I go, “Oh yeah, that does sound familiar,” but I’m not sure that if somebody had done that and not told me ahead of time that it was me, that I would’ve known it was me. Can you do an impression of me?

**John:** Not at all. I can’t do impressions of anything. That’s actually one of my biggest frustrations. You’re actually quite good at hearing and being able to do impressions or do accents. It’s just not a thing I’m good at. I can do it in my head. Can you do an impression of me?

**Craig:** Yeah, I can do an impression of you.

**John:** Let’s do it.

**Craig:** There’s a lot of stuff that comes out quickly, but yeah. Okay, moving on. It’s a rhythm thing. My impression of you, it’s not a great impression, because most of what makes you idiosyncratic is the speed of your speech and the rhythm of it. What people always do when they do an impression of me is they’re like, “So. Everything’s huge. Then when you talk you’re big.” I’m like, I guess. Maybe. I don’t know. Megana, can you do an impression of me?

****Megana:**** I think an impression of you would be difficult to do, because you do take these pauses, but then in order to do the impression of you, I’d have to also replicate the eloquence that comes after the pause, and that would be very difficult to do.

**Craig:** You know what? You’ve won my heart.

**John:** Just that was a very Craig, like da da, da da da da. You also pitch up. I think you have a much more tonal range than I do or that a lot of speakers do.

**Craig:** I’m a singer.

**John:** You’re a singer.

**Craig:** I like to sing.

**John:** You’re a natural singer.

**Craig:** I guess my point bringing all this up and having fun with it is I don’t make those choices and you don’t make those choices and Megana doesn’t make those choices, why we talk the way we talk and why we have the patterns we have. All of that then I think is translatable or at least analogous to the weirdness of the way we write, but I don’t think I necessarily write the way I talk. I don’t think you write the way you talk. It’s this whole other thing.

**John:** Honestly, we write more similar than you would guess, because as we were working on the Scriptnotes book, one of the big jobs is to take the Scriptnotes transcripts, as we’re having a conversation about scene length or something, and so you and I are having a back-and-forth conversation. When we try to just turn it into a chapter with just prose, literally our sentences do fit together pretty well. We don’t read that different on the page, which is useful.

**Craig:** We’re like an old married couple that starts looking like each other.

**John:** Let’s talk about things that are different between-

**Craig:** I just want to keep upsetting Megana, like, “Aw. Aw.”

**John:** Let’s talk about some of the things that are different that you can notice on a screenplay page about one writer versus another writer. This is a list I had in my blog post, but we may add to this. How you handle unfinished end-of-line punctuation. Are you two dashes? Are you an ellipses? What are the situations where you’d use an ellipsis versus two dashes. It’s personal style. There’s not one precise right answer.

**Craig:** You want to try and be consistent within your screenplay. What do you do, by the way?

**John:** I have two dashes if it’s literally cut off and ellipsis if it’s trailing off.

**Craig:** Same. I probably use ellipses more than most writers. I know I do. I’m a big fan.

**John:** I use ellipses less than I used to. I used to use ellipses for everything, but I now do a lot of two dashes.

**Craig:** Interesting.

**John:** How much uppercase do you use within scene description? Some people just will uppercase a lot more for emphasis. Some people are really spare with the uppercase.

**Craig:** One of the things I’ve found over time is that my uppercasing tends to increase when I’m writing either… Usually when I’m writing action or something that maybe you wouldn’t define as action but is very physical, like physical humor or something like that.t

**John:** Absolutely. It’s sometimes that uppercasing can be a way to indicate, this is a shot, this is a shot, this is a shot, or there’s other reasons why you’re using it there. Parentheticals. Are you using parentheticals as say to mean a beat, for clarity, like joking, or how to play this in quotes, “Please die in a fire.” Basically, are you using it for all line things? Those are all valid choices, just different ways to use the parenthetical.

**Craig:** Some people never use them.

**John:** Never. Commas and comma usage, very distinctive. You can use them sensibly. You can use them in an Oxford way. You can use them in any way that makes sense.

**Craig:** The Oxford way is sensible.

**John:** Often using commas and whether you use them to break off any kind of phrase. If I’m going through and editing someone else’s script, I will move commas all the time and realize that’s just pointless, because they’re just using commas the way they use commas.

**Craig:** We aren’t writing articles for the New Yorker where there’s a style guide, although I will say that Mrs. Gilligan’s comma lessons in high school have stayed with me. I think about the proper, correct, and orthodox use of commas all the time.

**John:** Profanity. Is it a spaceship or a giant effing spaceship? Just how often are you using the F word and other words in your script is very distinctive. In the JJ Abrams universe, all those Lost scripts, they will use a lot of that. They’re very punchy and loud and take you by the shoulders and shake you. That’s just the style. If you’re writing in one of those shows, you should write in that style, because otherwise, it’s going to feel wrong for the show.

**Craig:** That must be really difficult to do. I’ve never had to do that to write in someone else’s actual on-the-page style. I can see how that would be very tricky to do. Then it also implies one reason why showrunners have to then run everything through their own typewriter, even if it’s minimally about let’s say improving things. Sometimes you just need to conform it.

**John:** That was the point that Dara was making there and what I’ll link to, is that especially that first script you turn in as a staff writer on a show needs to look as much like the showrunner’s script as possible, so they read this and they can actually read it without having to just immediately go, “This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong.” They can actually read it like it’s their own script. That’s tough, but you gotta do it.

**Craig:** I’m imagining me reading a script for my show that wasn’t at all like my scripts, and I’m starting to sweat. It’s bad.

**John:** How characters see events within a scene. Do they clock them, spot them, notice them, spy them? There’s various choices you can make. Nothing’s wrong.

**Craig:** It’s okay to be repetitive or, I don’t know, self-copying there, because that stuff’s not going to be on screen literally. If it helps you to fall back on some phrases that work for you and help define for the reader what you see, that’s great. Try and avoid repeating them within the same script, but if you have some go-tos, there’s nothing wrong with that.

**John:** Transitions, is it a cut-to for every new scene or do cut-tos mostly go away? Just style. Also, I think cut-tos tend to vanish because we want to get pages shorter, but it’s really whatever you need to do.

Paragraph length. What is the upper limit in terms of numbers of lines? On this podcast, often in our Three Page Challenges, we’re urging people to keep those paragraphs short. Three lines or less is great for a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean they all have to be that way. David Koepp writes giant blocks of text.

**Craig:** He does.

**John:** It happens. It works.

**Craig:** He’s great. He’s great. I think we’ve probably said it so many times that it is maybe finally sinking in, although I doubt it, among all the people out there. All these things, there are I wouldn’t call best practices as much as better practices. Nothing that we do can make bad good, and nothing that we do can make good bad. That’s the deal. If it’s good, it’s okay to have that long paragraph if that’s the way you vibe.

Going back to the paragraph that Todd Field puts on the preface page of Tár, that is how many… It is a brick of text. One, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ten-line paragraph. That’s not three lines or fewer. I loved reading that paragraph, because it was good.

**John:** Good paragraph. Finally, and this is probably I think a thing I can definitely notice from one writer to another, is how to handle simultaneous or overlapping dialog. Are they doing side-by-sides a lot, or are they doing a parenthetical for overlapping? Are they just making it clear that stuff is overlapping in the scene description around it?

There’s not one precise, right way to do it. Writers can get incredibly granular. When Greta Gerwig was on, she puts a slash in the first character’s dialog where the next character is going to be overlapping them. It’s incredibly precise. A lot of times, I’ll just say “overlapping” and I won’t worry about doing side-by-sides. It’s going to work in the moment.

**Craig:** I use the side-by-side, but I rarely, very rarely do simultaneous dialog. That’s not because I think it’s wrong. It’s basically stylistically, and perhaps this reflects the way you and I have these discussions, I like when people aren’t talking over each other, and other writers love when people are talking over each other. That’s okay. It’s a tonal thing. Similarly, how many words per sentence do characters say?

**John:** Exactly.

**Craig:** Some people really love having characters talk at length. Tarantino will have characters talk at length at times. Other people listen quietly. They do not interrupt. Go to Samuel Beckett and read Waiting for Godot. There are just strips of pages where Vladimir and Estragon are saying two lines two words each, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. That’s part of the fingerprint.

**John:** We had Taffy Brodesser-Akner on the show. The dialog for Fleishman Is in Trouble, those are long lines. It’s not just that people have a lot of lines together. One of their lines could be much, much, much longer of a sentence than I would ever feel comfortable doing. It works because it works and because she has really good actors who can pull it off. There’s no right or wrong. You could recognize Taffy’s writing from someone else’s writing. It’d be hard to write in Taffy’s style.

**Craig:** It should be. That’s part of the sign that your style is unique, and therefore you are expressing your voice, is that other people… You can maybe do a goof version of it, a satire, but you can’t do it. If anyone could do it, then anyone would do it.

**John:** Let’s talk about situations where we have had to rewrite somebody or choose not to rewrite somebody and actually just blend in, because a lot of times, as feature writers, we would get scripts, and sometimes we are doing a massive overhaul on something. I’m like, “Okay, I see these scenes here. I’m the showrunner. Everything’s going through my typewriter. I’m going to put out a new thing that is in my voice. I’m going to clean it up and make things consistent.”

In some cases, I think that was helpful, because I wasn’t the second writer, I was the seventh writer, and there was a bunch of little pace jobs [inaudible 00:49:52] it wasn’t reading like one document. It was sometimes just me running through the whole thing. It just was a much better read for me having done that. In other cases, I’m just doing two scenes here. It’s doing no one any favors for me to try to change things or make this feel different.

I’ve had to adapt to people’s styles. I’ve done more things in caps than I would’ve put in uppercase, because that’s the rest of the script. What’s been your experience?

**Craig:** All over the place.

**John:** Exactly.

**Craig:** Honestly, all over the place. Sometimes, more often than not, when I’m doing the kind of work you’re describing, there’s also some preexisting work. A lot of these things, most movies that come out have either a preexisting film because they’re a sequel or they’re based on something, and so there’s other work that you can look back on and investigate.

I don’t really get too worked up over how I do the things that aren’t spoken or aren’t on screen. The things that are spoken and are on screen, I try and stay consistent within the character. Sometimes, the reason that you’re there is because people aren’t happy with the voice, or you can also come and say…

As you’re saying, there’s this patchwork quilt, and someone has to make it all seem like it was from one mind. That is a challenge. It’s a challenge to do something like that without… The phrase I use is, sometimes you have to pull permits, it’s that kind of work, and sometimes you don’t. When you have to pull permits, that means we’re going to be doing quite a bit here. Then you have to undo a lot. It depends on the situation. The spectrum is rather broad for those jobs.

**John:** I’m thinking of once doing a job where the first half of the script was really great. I really did not want to touch any of it. There were some real significant things that needed to change in the second half. I had to make a choice, like am I going to go back and rewrite all this first half so it’s going to match what I’m doing for the second half, or am I just going to write this new stuff in the style of the first one?

It was a challenge to do, but it actually made sense. Hopefully, the characters’ voices I was able to be consistent, which is great, because we didn’t want to touch those. Even just the scene description making it just feel like it was one thing, that there wasn’t a sudden change in how the whole thing read and felt. Even examples of keeping whatever, their INT period versus INT not period style, sure, I’ll do that. I wanted it to feel like it was the same writer the whole way through.

**Craig:** If there’s a very idiosyncratic, clear style going on, I’m not going to be a jerk and just start doing… I’m not going to go through and be like, “Okay, first things first, all these two spaces after the period have to turn into one space.” That’s just evil, so I try not to do those things.

**John:** Obviously, the last thing is if you’re in a situation where you’re generating changed pages with stars in the margins, you’re going to be much more conservative about making that kind of stuff, because you’re not going to release a new page just because you’ve changed two dashes into a long hyphen. No one wants that.

**Craig:** No one.

**John:** No one wants that. What people do want are One Cool Things.

**Craig:** Segue Man.

**John:** It’s time for that. I referenced this earlier. This is an article by Adam Mastroianni on his Substack, called Good Conversations Have Lots of Doorknobs. He’s really talking about how in a conversation, you tend to have givers and takers. Givers are people who put a lot of stuff out. Takers are people who are just receiving stuff in.

**Craig:** Interesting.

**John:** There’s an improv quality to a conversation, where you’re yes, and-ing and you’re keeping the ball up in the air. When you have two givers, that can be sometimes a little bit frustrating, because it can feel like no one’s actually receiving. If you have two takers, no one is actually throwing a ball out there to get things going.

What I liked about his discussion is, it’s not just diagnosing the problem but offering some solutions, which is basically affordances, which are the big, easily graspable doorknobs of the conversation. His example of an affordance, if you ask the question, “Why do you think you and your brother turned out so differently?” There’s a lot of possible answers to that. You would have to see how it goes on.

No affordance would be, “How many of your grandparents are still alive?” That’s a number. It doesn’t invite a further discussion. You can take that, “How many of your grandparents are still alive?” and do some judo on it to send it back through, to say, “Both my grandparents are still alive, which has really been remarkable because of this, because I can do these things, and I have these insights,” but it’s tougher.

Just always be thinking in a conversation, next time you’re at a party or whatever, Megana, as you’re getting another virus, think about how do you say things in a way that invites the person to build upon that, rather than just letting it drop there.

**Craig:** I love just this drive-by shooting of Megana, like that’s her problem.

**John:** All the parties she goes to.

**Craig:** I really like this a lot. What it’s prompting for me is how useful this concept is for people who are on the autism spectrum, because this is exactly the kind of… We lump these things into so-called social skills. Social skills is such a broad term it’s almost useless. There’s also this weird judgey-ness to that phrase that I don’t love. What I love about this is, if somebody has a hyper-analytical mind, this is a way for them to understand why certain things are more engaging and more interesting for other people, because that’s something that sometimes people on the spectrum have trouble with. I’m definitely giving this to my kid. I think she’ll be really interested in this. I think she’ll like this.

**John:** The other thing I would say is that everything that applies to real-life dialog applies to movie dialog as well. As you’re writing dialog scenes, be thinking about naturally you are doing this as a writer anyway. It may be helpful to think about how you are letting this character get to the next thing out of that character, the next thing out of this character, and by the same token, are they deliberately not doing that, and is that part of the frustration and conflict of the scene.

**Craig:** That’s a great point. This is really useful for thinking about characters, because we don’t want our characters to be fully actualized. All the foibles are what make them interesting. If somebody is trying to chat up a girl at the bar and he asks a dead-end question or as Adam calls it, no affordance, then it’s interesting. You can see the other person struggling with that. I love this. It’s very insightful.

**John:** Craig, in the second episode of your show, there’s a moment early on where Joel is having a conversation. They’re in that-

**Craig:** Salon.

**John:** … salon, and they’re having a conversation. He gives up on the conversation. I really liked that moment, because it felt true to conversations that I don’t see very often, where a person just buries their last line, like, “I guess I’m done talking, but nothing’s really resolved for me.” That felt like a situation that I just hadn’t seen so often on film.

**Craig:** I’m glad you liked it. Joel is a really interesting character to write, because how much he decides to say… He mostly doesn’t talk. It’ll be interesting for people I think if the season goes on, if they’re watching. He’s not going to always not talk. Let’s put it that way. It’s impactful when he does. When he starts talking, it’s impactful.

**John:** What do you have for us?

**Craig:** My One Cool Thing is The Case of the Golden Idol. Now this is a game that normally I wouldn’t be playing, because it’s not on iOS. It is currently on Steam. Neil Druckmann, my partner in crime over at The Last of Us, urged me to get the Steam Deck. Are you familiar with the Steam Deck?

**John:** Tell me what the Steam Deck is.

**Craig:** Steam Deck is a handheld game console, not dissimilar from say the handheld Switch, that is designed to tie into your Steam account and play Steam games. You can play them handheld. It’s got a touchscreen. The touchscreen isn’t iPad quality. It doesn’t need to be. It’s got multiple joysticks and buttons and other buttons and trigger buttons. It can basically cover the control system of any game. It’s very portable.

I bought it and played this game that Neil loves, called The Case of the Golden Idol, and now I love it. It’s fascinating. It’s one of those retro style games that’s very much about the pixel art, which generally I hate, because I’m like, I grew up with that crap.

**John:** We’ve moved on.

**Craig:** I want good graphics. It’s this very strange concept. Each chapter, there are 12 of them, is a murder has taken place. They’re all loosely connected by the story of this golden idol, which is cursed, clearly. Typically, each murder situation has two or three screens of stuff. On each one of them, there are clickable areas where you can just start collecting information. What you have to do is piece together what happened based on all the clues and bits of information that are there. You have to figure out who is this person, what’s his name, what’s her name, and what have they done and what is this and blah blah blah.

It gets increasingly challenging, to the point where sometimes I’m just sitting there just staring at this thing for 40 minutes, going, “What am I missing?” Then when you finally get it, you’re like, “Ah!” It’s a lot of fun. If you have Steam, check out The Case of the Golden Idol. If you have a Steam Deck, certainly do. I think it plays very nicely on that device.

**John:** Cool. Nice. Exciting.

**Craig:** Great.

**John:** That is our show for this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Megana Rao.

**Craig:** Who?

**John:** It’s edited by Matthew Chilelli.

**Craig:** Don’t know him.

**John:** Our outro this week is by Luke Yoquinto, who discovered this in the score to Coming to America by Nile Rodgers. What we’re playing is actually a clip from the score to Coming to America, but it actually has the Scriptnotes theme in it. We have time-traveled back to put it into existing movie scores.

**Craig:** Well done.

**John:** If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions. We have T-shirts and they’re great. You can find them at Cotton Bureau. You’ll find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s also where you’ll find transcripts and sign up for our weeklyish newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. You can sign up to become a Premium Member at scriptnotes.net, where you get all the back-episodes and Bonus Segments, like the one we’re about to record on advice to a producer. Craig, Megana, thank you so much for a fun show.

****Megana:**** Thank you.

**Craig:** Thank you.

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** Craig, here’s what I have. A friend of a friend is a producer in the UK and has a project for which he’s brought on a writer. The project is based on a true story. It’s required a lot of research. This is a relatively new writer but a really good writer who’s from the region, been doing the research, and everything’s very promising. The problem is the producer’s just not getting a draft out of this writer. He’s waiting. There’s whole machineries that it really looks like this movie could happen, but he needs a script.

The producer emailed me just to say, “Hey, do you have any advice for how I should not be an asshole but get the writer to deliver this script? The writer has had a lot of personal issues and things going on in their life that’s made it incredibly difficult. How do we do this?” I wrote back with some of my advice. I’m curious what your advice might be for this producer on how to get this draft out of this writer and what you think might be going on.

**Craig:** There could be all sorts of things going on. At the end of the day, is the writer being paid?

**John:** The writer’s being paid.

**Craig:** No matter what’s going on in our lives, if we are being paid, we are professional by definition, which means we have to behave professionally, which means we either hit our deadlines or we sit down with the employer and we say, “Here’s what’s going on in my life. Here’s why I can’t go through that deadline. I’m giving you the choice now of what to do. I would like to continue. I would like extra time so I can do my job. I need to let you know that this is what’s going on, because it changes the arrangement.” That’s how a professional handles things. It doesn’t sound like this writer is necessarily handling these things professionally. That doesn’t mean that I’m not incredibly sympathetic to whatever problems they’re having. I am, but it’s a job.

The question that I would ask the producer is, do you think that this writer is changeable or not, because there are some writers that it doesn’t matter what you do, they have a rhythm and a process that is unaffectable by you, the moon, anything. Nothing will ever change it. They are as they are. The only question that you have to ask yourself as a producer is, is it worth it or not, because that’s nothing I can do about this. It’s like I’m yelling at clouds.

If it seems like they are the kind of writer that would respond to change, then I think it’s fair to say, “Okay, because this is a professional relationship, I have to create boundaries. The boundary is I need a script by this date, which is already beyond the date that we agreed on. If it doesn’t come in by that date, I’m going to have to talk to another writer.”

**John:** I think ultimately you need to get to that ultimatum and to that point where it makes it clear. I think there are some steps before you get to that point that could be useful. That’s what I urged the producer to start at.

First off, to understand from the writer’s perspective, the writer feels shitty. I think the writer is aware that they’re late and that they’re holding things up, and they feel bad about it. Feeling bad about it is not helping them write the scripts. They’re not a writer who it seems that that bad feeling is motivating. It seems maybe it’s the opposite. Being late is not helping them get it written.

I think they may also be having a problem that they’re not willing to tell you about, which is that they may be struggling with a script with a story in ways that they are embarrassed about. They just cannot figure it out. They could probably use someone, either you or somebody else, to just talk to about what’s going on, because they may have lost hope or faith or any joy in writing it. That may be really the issue here.

Going back earlier in the episode, we talked about script consultants or that kind of thing. I think you may need to find some other writer who can sit down with them to talk to them about what it is that they’re writing, what’s exciting about it to them, where the problems are, and see if you can get a little of that shaken out.

There could also just be some actual… You’re saying this writer has some struggles in their life. You may need to help provide some structure for their writing time, which basically is like, “Would it help if I got you an office for a month? That way you could just come in on a daily basis and sit down and do your work, because maybe something’s going on at home that is making it really tough for you to write in your normal space.”

Just be aware that there could be some other way you’re going to be able to get them to do the thing. I would try those things first before bringing out the stick of, “If I don’t have it by this date, I’m going to have to cut you off.”

**Craig:** Certainly, it’s nothing anybody wants, but there are people that just need the structure of consequence. It’s not evil consequence. It’s not unjustified consequence. They just need to know that this is there. There are situations, again, where you may say to yourself, “I have a madman genius on my hands, and I need to just let him go through this insanity, and what’s going to happen on the other end is something great.”

One of the things that I’ve always tried to stress to people I worked with is, if I say I need eight weeks, and you’re telling me you really want it in six weeks, what you’re saying is two weeks of time is more important than you getting it right.

My response is always, those two weeks are going to cost you so much more time than two weeks, because if you get something that’s unworkable, unsellable, unproducable, unshootable, guess what? You’re back to square one. You’re going to have to start all over again anyway. First, you’re going to have to find another writer. That takes time. Then they’re going to have to do it. Then they’re going to run into trouble. You have to do the math in your head. One of the most frustrating parts of being a producer is how you are accountable to the outcome, but you are not in control of the outcome.

**John:** For sure.

**Craig:** That’s tricky.

**John:** Craig, you’re talking about estimating the time it’s going to take you to do a thing. You’re an experienced screenwriter who’s been through this. You’ve written 50 scripts. This writer probably hasn’t and probably has a very limited ability to estimate how long it’s going to take them to do that work. That may be a situation too.

It looks like the producer has actually been able to read some stuff that the writer has done on the project, which is why the producer’s so excited to have the writer finish it, because it’s apparently really good.

I think one of the things that may be important in this conversation is to really stress to the writer how much you love what they’ve delivered so far, because sometimes writing feels hopeless. Just putting that hope back in there can really do it.

I definitely can remember meetings where I’ve been really bummed about a project, I go into it, and then in that discussion something comes up that’s like, “Oh yeah, now I’m actually genuinely excited to write this thing that I was dreading this morning.” That does turn around.

**Craig:** One bit of practical advice that I would suggest is to maybe, since currently most days I suspect the writer is writing zero pages, say to the writer, “Okay, here’s the plan we’re putting you on, and you must do it. Every day, Monday through Friday, you must write one page. That’s it.” You’ve now reduced the burden and the expectation, which can be crushing sometimes, down to something that seems very achievable. One page. One.

What will happen, almost always, is that once the writer starts writing their one page, they will end up three or four pages later. It’s how our minds work. It’s the starting that is so hard. If you can just give them this, because even if they write one page a day, five pages a week, in a couple of months, you’re going to be doing just fine, and certainly better than you’re doing now anyway. Maybe just smallifying things might help.

**John:** Megana, what perspectives are we missing here? Anything that is striking you as you listen to this?

**Craig:** Actually…

****Megana:**** No. I think you’re right. I love the advice that you gave about encouraging this writer, because I just remember when I was in college, I had a roommate who was a real perfectionist and was not sending their thesis advisor the chapters or whatever that they needed to be doing and was just getting herself into such a hole of perfection and misery and doubt. I was like, “You’re smart. I’m sure that the work is fine and good enough.” I think sometimes with a screenplay, it’s this big thing to figure out. I worry that this person is just in a shame spiral. I love the tactics that you offer this producer to help them out of that.

**John:** On the second Arlo Finch book, I fell behind. I was running late to deliver my first draft. Again, as a professional, I did reach out to my editor and say, “Hey, I’m running behind. Let me talk to you about what the problem is.” She’s like, “Okay, I get this. Let’s make a plan for how you’re going to finish it. Basically, why don’t you take two or three days to just outline the rest of this, figure out what those problems are going to be, and how you’re going to be able to deliver this on time. We’ll reset all the rest of the deadlines to make this work.” Starting that conversation was incredibly stressful, but at the end of it, I just felt such a relief, because I didn’t feel so trapped.

It’s possible this screenwriter feels trapped and stuck. They worry they’re not going to be able to deliver anything that’s going to nearly good enough or to do the job whatsoever. Having that conversation, being that editor in that situation, could be the way out.

**Craig:** That’s good advice.

**John:** Cool. Thanks, guys.

**Craig:** Thank you.

****Megana:**** Thank you.

**John:** Bye.

Links:

* Scriptnotes episodes with 2023 Oscar Nominees [Sarah Polley](https://johnaugust.com/2023/the-one-with-sarah-polley), [Rian Johnson](https://johnaugust.com/2022/rian-johnson-returns), [Daniels](https://johnaugust.com/2022/the-daniels), [Pamela Ribon](https://johnaugust.com/2018/holiday-live-show-2018)
* [Weekend Read Beta](https://testflight.apple.com/join/zDf4Fw9c) Try it out — now updated with all FYC scripts!
* [Writing in another writer’s style](https://johnaugust.com/2014/writing-in-another-writers-style) on John’s blog with advice from [Dara Resnick Creasey](https://twitter.com/BadassMomWriter)
* [Algorithms were able to figure out that Robert Galbraith was JK Rowling](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/how-did-computers-uncover-jk-rowlings-pseudonym-180949824/)
* [Good Conversations Have Lots of Doorknobs](https://experimentalhistory.substack.com/p/good-conversations-have-lots-of-doorknobs) by Adam Mastroianni
* [The Case of The Golden Idol](https://www.thegoldenidol.com) game
* [Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!](https://cottonbureau.com/people/scriptnotes-podcast)
* [Check out the Inneresting Newsletter](https://inneresting.substack.com/)
* [Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/gifts) or [treat yourself to a premium subscription!](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/)
* [Craig Mazin](https://twitter.com/clmazin) on Twitter
* [John August](https://twitter.com/johnaugust) on Twitter
* [John on Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/johnaugust/?hl=en)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Luke Yoquinto, who discovered it in the score to Coming to America by Nile Rodgers ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* Scriptnotes is produced by [Megana Rao](https://twitter.com/MeganaRao) and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/585standard.mp3).

« Previous Page
Next Page »

Primary Sidebar

Newsletter

Inneresting Logo A Quote-Unquote Newsletter about Writing
Read Now

Explore

Projects

  • Aladdin (1)
  • Arlo Finch (27)
  • Big Fish (88)
  • Birdigo (2)
  • Charlie (39)
  • Charlie's Angels (16)
  • Chosen (2)
  • Corpse Bride (9)
  • Dead Projects (18)
  • Frankenweenie (10)
  • Go (29)
  • Karateka (4)
  • Monsterpocalypse (3)
  • One Hit Kill (6)
  • Ops (6)
  • Preacher (2)
  • Prince of Persia (13)
  • Shazam (6)
  • Snake People (6)
  • Tarzan (5)
  • The Nines (118)
  • The Remnants (12)
  • The Variant (22)

Apps

  • Bronson (14)
  • FDX Reader (11)
  • Fountain (32)
  • Highland (75)
  • Less IMDb (4)
  • Weekend Read (64)

Recommended Reading

  • First Person (87)
  • Geek Alert (151)
  • WGA (162)
  • Workspace (19)

Screenwriting Q&A

  • Adaptation (65)
  • Directors (90)
  • Education (49)
  • Film Industry (489)
  • Formatting (128)
  • Genres (89)
  • Glossary (6)
  • Pitches (29)
  • Producers (59)
  • Psych 101 (118)
  • Rights and Copyright (96)
  • So-Called Experts (47)
  • Story and Plot (170)
  • Television (165)
  • Treatments (21)
  • Words on the page (237)
  • Writing Process (177)

More screenwriting Q&A at screenwriting.io

© 2026 John August — All Rights Reserved.