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Scriptnotes, Episode 673: Structure, and How to Enjoy a Movie, Transcript

February 4, 2025 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found here.

John August: Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

Craig Mazin: My name is Craig Mazin.

John: You’re listening to episode 673 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Today on the show, let’s get back to basics. Structure, Craig. What is it? Why do writers keep freaking out about it when it’s a fundamental part of storytelling going all the way back to caveman days?

Craig: I think why do writers keep freaking out about it is a perfectly good place where we should start once we get there.

John: Then how do you enjoy a movie? We’ll teach you how not to be so meh about the things you’re watching.

Craig: [chuckles] Be born before 2000.

John: Plus, we’ll answer some listener questions because it’s been a minute. In our bonus segment for premium members, let’s talk about the wearables, the devices we wear to track what’s happening in our bodies.

Craig: Fantastic. Let’s do it.

John: First, some news. We had Oscar nominations this morning as we’re recording. We’re recording this on Thursday.

Craig: Yes.

John: As always, I’m so happy for the people who got nominated. I am bummed for the people who didn’t. And it’s all going to be okay.

Craig: Everything will be absolutely okay. Even being considered for something like that is extraordinary. I assume everybody going into that has grown up enough to know that sometimes weird stuff happens. Somehow Conclave got nominated for best picture and best actor, but not best director.

John: Yes, there’s a couple of those.

Craig: Wasn’t quite sure about that one.

John: Wicked also.

Craig: Wicked, best picture but not best screenplay?

John: Yes.

Craig: All right. Not fair to our friend, Dana Fox. There are these strange things that happen but it’s all priced in. At the end of the day, while it is nice to have a trophy, this is all part of advertising. For those folks who did get nominations, I think it’s really exciting that their movies will get more marketing money so more people can see them, particularly for the little ones.

John: But also congratulations, now you get to do six more weeks of work promoting this thing.

Craig: It is a full-time job.

John: You don’t get paid for it.

Craig: No.

John: Drew, tell us about Weekend Read because I think you have all of these scripts in Weekend Read right now.

Drew Marquardt: Every single nominated screenplay we’ve got up from Weekend Read. Should I run down the list?

John: Go for it.

Craig: Yes, please.

Drew: We have A Complete Unknown, A Real Pain, Anora, Conclave, Emilia Perez, Nickel Boys, which is a really fun read, September 5, Sing Sing, The Brutalist, and The Substance. They’re all in the “And the nominees are…” category and you can read them there.

Craig: That’s great. It used to be five things, right?

John: Yes. Now that we have both adapted and original screenplay.

Craig: Oh, I see. There are 10 best.

John: Yes.

Craig: I’m in the Academy. I should know this, right? I vote very quickly. I shouldn’t say that. I vote studiously.

John: I do too.

Craig: But I clearly don’t pay attention to how many people are in the category and I’m voting. There are 10 best pictures, but then everybody else is five. Is that right?

John: That’s correct. Every other category is five. Drew has gone through each of these scripts to make sure they actually work properly in Weekend Read. So I would just say, rather than doomscrolling on your phone, why don’t you scroll through a script and actually read something and read something good?

Craig: Anything is better than doomscrolling, anything.

John: Now, Craig, I know you took a mandate to consume less news and you’re off all the social media. How is that going for you?

Craig: Amazingly well.

John: That’s good.

Craig: I am aware of what is going on in the world. I get my news through the old-fashioned method, which is to pick a couple of periodicals that I find at least thoughtful and look at their curated reportage of what happened the day before. Not what happened 10 minutes ago and with some breath so that there can be some thoughtful analysis and context. That’s it. I do not get my news from the fire hose of insanity and I don’t watch anything with anyone talking. That’s the key. [chuckles] I do not watch talking heads. I do not look at tweets. I do not look at Instathoughts and it is spectacular.

John: During the height of the fires, I was reminded of how useful it is to have local news. It was one of those rare situations where I turned on the TV and actually watched local news as fires were happening. It was useful to see like, “Oh, my gosh, the fires are getting close here. We actually need to start packing up.” I was so grateful to have that as a service, but I do not want that in my veins all the time. I grew up in a household where the TV news was on at least four hours a day, local news and national news. It’s not helpful.

Craig: Local news, in particular, and this is no slight against them, the work that they do when something like the fires happen is extraordinary and people put their lives at risk and they’re flying around the helicopters. But for the most part, they don’t have either enough things to report that they think anyone will watch or they only have lurid things that aren’t worth reporting that they know people will watch. You get a lot of, there was an accident here and there was a shooting and there was a stabbing.

What you don’t get are, say, this bill was deliberated. All the sudden frenzy over why were tanks empty? What was going on with the firefighters? Why didn’t the pumps work? That’s been being discussed for years and the local news reported on 0% of it. It’s not a great thing to have on all day unless there’s something serious happening.

John: Indeed.

Craig: Like a car chase.

John: Like a car chase, yes.

Craig: Yes.

Craig: All right, let’s do some follow-up because it’s been a while since you and I’ve been here in person to do some follow-up on previous episodes. Drew, take us back to 671. We had a How to view a Movie about an IVF mix-up.

Drew: Several people wrote in that there were already movies out there with a similar premise. Almodovar’s Parallel Mothers. There’s a Danish movie called Maybe Baby. There’s an Indian comedy called Good News and a Mexican sitcom called Daughter from Another Mother.

Craig: Looks like they’ve covered this one, John.

John: They have covered it. Internationally it’s been well covered.

Craig: Everyone all across the world enjoys this story.

John: Also, we talked in that same episode about a Unabomber movie and several people wrote in to say there’s a series called Manhunt about Ted Kaczynski starring Paul Bettany and Sam Worthington.

Craig: Okay.

John: Sure.

Craig: Done.

John: Done.

Drew: We’ll put links in the show notes for all those.

Craig: Fantastic.

John: We also had some follow-up on way back to episode 454. We were talking about erotic fiction.

Craig: That was a long time ago.

John: Yes.

Drew: Jenny in New York City writes, I was listening to that bonus segment of episode 454 where you and Craig discuss but disappointingly do not read erotic fiction. In it, you bring up Fifty Shades of Grey as the prime example of fan fiction that managed to cross over into popular culture. Craig says that Fifty Shades of Grey seemed like it was heralding the beginning of something and that he’s surprised that nothing similar followed it. Four-plus years later, we’re seeing the floodgates open. There’s a through line from fan fiction to TikTok or BookTok to the traditional book publishing industry.

A well-known example is The Love Hypothesis, which was originally a Rey and Kylo Ren, or Reylo, fan fiction published online in 2018 and then scrubbed of all the Star Wars references and traditionally published in 2021. A film adaptation is now in development. There are also three Draco and Hermione, or Dramione, fan fictions all slated for major publication in 2025.

Craig: Okay. Wait, but also scrubbed of any–

John: Yes. That’s the thing. Fifty Shades of Grey, of course, was fan fiction that was scrubbed.

Craig: Scrubbed from Twilight.

John: Yes.

Craig: Right.

John: We were correct but just ahead of the curve.

Craig: We were ahead of the curve.

John: Now, BookTok caught up with what we predicted four years ago.

Craig: Yay, erotic fiction.

John: Yes.

Craig: Is there anything less sexy than the phrase erotic fiction?

John: Yes, it’s a —

Craig: Boner killer.

John: It’s not so good.

Craig: No.

John: I’m going to be optimistic. I’m going to be positive. This is a movie that we didn’t have in theaters before. The same thing with Fifty Shades of Grey. We weren’t having sexual thrillers on the big screen and hooray.

Craig: Not since the ‘90s.

John: Yes.

Craig: There has been a lot of discussion about millennials and Gen Z’s general lack of interest in seeing sex portrayed on screen. I think we’ve talked about it before, possibly because if they want to watch sex on screen, they watch people having sex. They don’t need it or want it in their traditional narrative. But it is part of our life and it’s very much a part of how we relate to each other on very deep levels. It screws things up. It makes things better. It makes things worse. It creates all the people around us and at least most of them. Let’s bring it on.

Also, it is interesting that so much of fan fiction turns toward the erotic. All the way back to– You’ve heard the phrase slash fiction?

John: Of course. Yes, Kirk/Spock.

Craig: Exactly. It began with people writing erotic fiction about Star Trek and specifically like Kirk has sex with Spock or Kirk has sex with McCoy or McCoy has sex with Scotty, whatever it is. It’s not like the stuff that happens now is only because of that. I think it’s always been that impulse is there’s a fandom and they want to write sexy versions of the characters.

John: They do. Also, they’re pining for something that they cannot get in the mainstream version of it.

Craig: Oh, that’s an interesting point.

John: I think the reason why slash fiction is it’s an attempt to take these characters out of their normal molds and use them how they want to use them. There are, obviously, queer writers were behind part of it, but also women, basically. It’s a way of taking control of these male characters and using them how they wish they could be seen.

Craig: Also, if you love those stories, you make a great point. You’re never going to get sex in a Harry Potter film. Of course, you have to wait until they’re old enough, right? Their senior year, you’re still not going to get sex. It’s not how it works. There’s a unsatisfied desire for a certain version of that relationship. That makes total sense.

John: All right. Let’s go on to our marquee topic. This is actually prompted by another listener question. This one from Christine. Drew, help us out.

Drew: She says, in episode 662, which was the 20 questions, Craig responded to a listener saying something like, there’s a lot of people who can write glittering dialogue but so few who can use structure well. It had my husband and I fist-pumping. We agree. I certainly can’t do it well. Sometimes it feels like perfect pitch. Either you have it or you don’t. Craig and John, would you talk to us about examples of how you used or struggled with structure in some of your own work?

John: Great, happy to. I think first we should just talk about structure and what we even mean by structure because it’s one of those terms that I think is used as a cudgel against newer writers. Once you actually think about what it really is, it’s, of course, fundamental to every story you’ve ever heard.

Craig: It is story. It’s a fancy word for saying, this is what happens, this is who it happens to, and this is why. That is what stories are. People get excited about the clothing that we put on that stuff because that’s what hits their eyeballs and ears first. What do they look like? What are they saying? The saying, in particular, gets overemphasized. But how do you tell a good story?

Everybody who grows up in any family that’s even moderately sized or even if you just see your extended family at Christmas, doesn’t matter, everybody knows that there’s somebody that’s going to sit around and tell a story that is so boring and bad. But you also know there’s somebody who’s great at it. When that one starts telling a story, everybody leans forward because they know how to do it, how you begin, how you middle, how you end, what’s the point, how it all comes around and coheres together. Poetics by Aristotle.

John: I was a journalism major, and so in journalism, you’re taught to answer the basic questions, who, what, where, when, why, and then how. Structure’s really– John’s talking about the when. It’s like, when do events happen? What is the order of those events? When does the audience learn something? Those are all fundamental parts of storytelling. When you have somebody at a family gathering who is just awful at it and boring, it’s like you did not plan the details and how you’re going to lay out the story and the storytelling in a way that was actually interesting and intriguing.

You’re starting way too early, you’re going way too long. There’s just no clear structure to the story. We know we’re trapped in this endless middle of things. When something is well-structured, you feel beginnings and endings, you feel the closure of moments, you feel that there’s just– There’s a rhythm to it. You’ve recognized what the audience needs and where they’re at and how to move forward. That’s what structure is. What it’s not is some cookie-cutter template. It’s not like, “Oh, here are the magic clothespins which you’re going to hang all your things on. It’s not a thing you impose upon a story. It is the skeleton that’s holding the whole story up.

Craig: I think when you said recognize, that’s where the talent is. Because I don’t know how to teach somebody to recognize something. It might be instructive for people at home to think about Boring Uncle Ron and how Boring Uncle Ron does tell stories because at least you can say, “I recognize why that story stinks.” For instance, he looped back around. He told me something that should have been told earlier. I can’t explain why, except I wish he had mentioned that earlier. It screws up the context.

There was no suspense. He told me what was going to happen before it happened. He just casually said something that he should have milked and understood that I would have found meaningful. There are parts where there are too many details. There are parts where there are no details at all. It doesn’t end. He’s not sure how to end it. It doesn’t have a point. If it doesn’t have a point, it wasn’t the point that the beginning was getting at. There’s no revelation, no purpose, and it is episodic. This, and this, and this, and this. A boring Uncle Ron may be able to teach people more about structure than we think.

John: The other thing that’s important to recognize is that structure is all around you. You just may not be seeing it as structure. Every song you’ve ever heard has structure. There are verses and choruses and hooks and it has bridges. There’s a pattern that fits your brain well. Because there are things like verses and choruses, you can break from them and that surprise us, which is great.

There’s still a sense of what those things are. The equivalents for those are scenes and sequences in movies and TV shows. It’s why learning to write the four-act or five-act structure of a classic one-hour TV show is really, really useful. Even if those commercial breaks are taken out, there’s still a sense of like, “I know where we’re at in this show.” There’s a flow to it.

Craig: There’s a rhythm. It’s a little bit like having a conversation with yourself. One of you is going to tell a story and the other part of you is going to be listening to the story. Part of structure is saying, how does hearing this for the first time me like that? Did I like that? Did that make me happy? Did it bore me? Does it seem clunky? You need to have a relationship with an audience even when there is none because we are performing a service.

Nobody other than Kafka, theoretically, who tried to burn everything he wrote, is just writing to be not read or filming to not be seen and so forth. You have to let the audience in.

You don’t need to let them all in. Your audience can just be you and what you like. You then need to be responsive to yourself and go, “No.” Even though I just came up with that, even though that was my idea of what should happen now and why, the me that’s listening, unimpressed.

John: Let’s talk through our assumptions about the very fundamental structure of a movie or a pilot, the things that are introducing a character for the first time and introducing what it is that they’re trying to do. Early in the story, near the very start, we need to have a sense of who the character is, what they want, what the world is like, what the obstacles in the way that are going to be there, who else is important.
Those are fundamental things. The fundamental choices you’re going to be making, even if you don’t think about it, you’re making those choices by which order you’re putting those scenes in and how you’re telling the audience about those things.

As they’re going off and doing some things, what is the sequence of events that’s happening? What are the choices that they’re making? Where are they going? What are the obstacles along the way? When you see somebody criticize the script for being, “I think you have some structure issues here,” it’s what they’re really saying is like, “I got lost. I got lost in where we’re at, what I should have been focusing on.

The characters might have great dialogue. It might be really enjoyable to have watched them do their thing, but I didn’t feel any momentum. I didn’t feel like there was anything going there. I didn’t know what to even look for in terms of what’s going to happen at the end. What am I even expecting to happen down the road.”

Craig: Oftentimes there’s a lack of intention and we interpret that as a structure problem. Every time, you’re right. When people say there’s a structure problem, they’re trying to say there’s a problem of some other kind. You just don’t know what the word is. Sometimes it’s as if you’re watching a conductor who doesn’t have a sense of how to alter tempo, create anticipation, where to use silence, as opposed to sound. There’s no shape.

John: Yes, there’s no shape.

Craig: There’s no shape. It’s just there and it’s not picking you up and then throwing you down. It’s not putting its hands over your eyes and then revealing something new. These things get shuffled out as structure problems, which for writers can be very frustrating early on because you immediately then go running to some structure book. The structure books are not going to help you. You do need, I think, to think a little bit how to write a movie. A lot of structure is about the main character and how they change. The story is revolving around that. It’s the nucleus and everything’s revolving around that. That creates a sense of intention and purpose, which in theory, will imbue this story with structure.

John: Going back to Christine’s question, when you talk about examples of how you use or struggle with structure in some of your own work. Looking back at the movies I’ve written, by far the most complicated movie structurally was Big Fish because in Big Fish, you have two protagonists who have their own agendas. There’s two different timelines.

They’re intersecting with each other. They are each other’s antagonist. There’s so much stuff to set up and plates to start spinning. Those first 10 pages have to do just a lot of work to sort of start the engines for things going.

The setup is so important, but then it’s deciding, when am I moving back and forth between these different stories? How is my choice to leave this storyline and go to this storyline progressing both of them? How to make sure we’re really moving forward in time and energy as we’re going through the movie, even though we’re intercutting between these two things?
That was a case where I had an instinctive sense of what the story was I needed to tell, but it literally did have to just like pull out a sheet of paper and work out like, “This is how I’m moving back and forth between these things. Then I had to plan scenes that would make transitions between those things feel logical and natural.” That is the hard work of structure sometimes.

Most movies I write don’t need that, but there are situations where you have multiple plot lines happening at the same time and you are going to have to just do that logistical planning work to figure out how you’re going to do that. TV shows are a great example too. Oftentimes, I guess, Last of Us is much more classically, you tend to follow a smaller group of characters, but you are cutting back and forth between them, and deciding when you’re going to cut back and forth between them becomes really important. With Joel or with Ellie and deciding when we’re going to move back and forth to those things are important writing decisions well before they become editorial decisions.

Craig: No question. Television episodes are I find generally easier structurally to deal with because they’re shorter and there is an understanding and expectation that you will get to have multiple starts and multiple endings. So you simplify a little bit. By simplifying, you get to be a little crazier with structure. Television shows are structured way weirder than movies are. You look at the structure of a season, any season, pick any season of Breaking Bad. No movie is complicated like that. It’s not even a complicated show.

John: Also, in series television, you’re looking at the structure across multiple episodes too. Where’s the audience at? What are we setting up?

Craig: There’s episodic structure, there’s season structure, there’s series structure. Movies are, I find to be really challenging because you get one shot and that’s it. When it’s in, there’s no multiple innings. There’s no, “well, that wasn’t my favorite episode.” It’s one episode, that’s it, the end. I won’t name titles, but I will say that I have worked on things that I’m not credited for that were big pieces of IP and they had a lot of expectations and they also were from different media. It wasn’t like I was taking a movie and remaking it. It was another thing.

In those cases, sometimes the freedom of whatever that medium was made it very hard to structure a movie such that the movie was in movie time. It wasn’t five hours long and it wasn’t 40 minutes long. It was roughly movie time and got you through the movement you needed to get. All the things you needed and wanted were there and the stuff wasn’t. Most importantly, everything made sense because other things, a lot of other things can afford to not make sense for a while. Novels can wander off and not make sense for a bunch of it. Kurt Vonnegut novels routinely don’t make sense and then they do in the end and it’s beautiful. For long stretches, you’re like, “What is happening?”

Musicals can wander off down weird alleyways, do bizarre songs, and then come back and it’s fine. It’s fine because also you’re in a big room with them and they’re singing and it’s cool and who cares? Songs can do this, but movies, it’s harder. It’s harder particularly when you’re doing movies like you and I have done. Logic, as it turns out, is also part of structure, making sure that facts are in evidence that one thing follows another reasonably, and that people aren’t contradicting themselves or their story.

John: You were talking about adaptations and adapting a piece of IP. It’s been my experience is that when I’m adapting a novel, there’s so much you love about the novel and you recognize I can’t just tear off the pages and feed them in the projector. They fundamentally have different engines. I have to have an honest conversation with the author if the author’s around, the engine of the movie is going to be different than the engine in your book. Some things are going to need to happen in different order and different sequences and some things are just not going to happen because it’s a movie and the movie has to be about two hours long.

There’s just expectations and payoffs that are just very different for a movie. Having written three books now, I can say it’s really nice to be able to describe the texture of the streets and all that stuff and it provides such incredible rich detail and it’s immersive. That’s not movie stuff. You got to move on past that. When I’ve been tasked with adapting a piece of IP that’s more like a character or a video game or something like that, one that’s not especially narrative, then you do have a lot more freedom to actually make a movie.

Craig: If they give you a toy, just make sure that the toy is named the toy and that it does the one signature thing that the toy does and the rest is up to you.

John: There’s a liberation to that where it’s just like, I’m not so stuck and beholden on those things. I don’t have all the benefits of the stuff that was in the book, but it’s not so stuck on it.

Craig: It’s almost like the challenge is taking something that has been properly structured for its medium and then telling it again in a different medium. It’s almost like you’ve got to break a lot of bones and then knit them back together because like you get a dolphin and you need to deliver a penguin. A lot of work happens there and some bones just are left behind and it can be messy and it will never really be a penguin and it certainly won’t be a dolphin. It’ll be its own thing. It’s hard, but this is how important structure is really. It’s like we need to be able to tell the story coherently for this medium.

John: Do you have other examples from your own work of things that were particularly challenging to structure or things that surprised you in finding a structure for telling the story? We talked through Chornobyl and figured out where the breaks were in that story.

Craig: Other than the things that I– There were a few jobs where I thought this probably shouldn’t be a movie. There were some things where I thought this should probably be three movies, not one. Famously the Weinsteins had the rights to Lord of the Rings and they refused to let Peter Jackson make three movies. They wanted him to make one movie to cover the three books of Lord of the Rings. Just to be clear, I watched the extended version every year of each of those three movies.

The extended version of each movie is three and a half hours. The theatrical maybe were two and a half. The idea of we’re going to smash all that into one movie is insane. Sometimes you’re running into– I have been in those spots, really when you feel like you don’t have enough runway to either take off or land, it’s terrifying.

John: I will say that when I look back to like stuff I’ve passed on, sometimes it just didn’t spark for me, or the character didn’t spark, the story didn’t spark. There have also been times where this is not a movie or I can sense it’s really fundamentally a structural problem that we’re not going to get past. The audience expectation of when it’s to make it to the screen and what I can actually put on the screen, it’s just not going to match up right because there’s just not time to do it.

Craig: There have also been situations where I found as I was going through it, that the other people involved, be they a director or producer or star, felt that the value was more in some other aspect of it. The pure storytelling was just don’t worry about that because we’re going to do this and it’s going to be cool. I think sometimes action movies fall prey to this. We all love Die Hard because it’s so perfectly structured, but a lot of action movies you can feel them going and we have to have this cool thing so just make a lot of convoluted reasons why it’s going to happen because really people are there for the action.

If you miss that thread of story, like so our friend Chris Morgan who works on the Fast and Furious movies, they found a smart way to create a simple structure, family. That’s it. It doesn’t have to be complicated because they’re smart. They know people are coming for the cars, but that’s why they think they’re coming. The reason they keep coming back is for the characters and the relationships because you could just watch cars doing crazy stuff on YouTube if you want. It’s also important to have partners who recognize we’re going to tell everybody this is about the cars privately in this room. We do know it’s about basic fundamentals that we have to get right.

John: I completely agree with you in terms of family was a central unifying core idea. I would be nervous about conflating that with structure.

Craig: It would have to be an argument, right?

John: It’s a central argument. That’s the central thing we’re always doing.

Craig: Family is worth more than blank.

John: Then as you’re looking at what are the events of this movie? How are we going to structure them? How is this all going to feel and tie back into it? It’s making sure that you are able to remind the audience and remind the characters that it’s all about family, that it’s all going to tie back in there, making sure that of all these set pieces you’re building, which is these things are musicals, but with explosions.

Craig: Exactly. What is the fundamental difference between the structure of one of your favorite Fast and Furious movies and one of your favorite Pitch Perfect movies? Both universal films, oddly enough, family, right? A bunch of people come together. One of them is not, is a loner of a sort. The other ones need them. There are villains that must be overcome. They all find that they are more powerful together and they face their fear and they win through performance of some kind, be it driving or singing a cool song.

John: Absolutely. Those writers as they’re looking at how they’re going to structure their stories. They’re looking at these are the singing moments, the big action set pieces. These are how we’re going to do it. Looking at the note card layout, which is the way they think about like– I don’t actually lay out cards, but you used to do that. You just don’t need cards anymore.

Craig: I now do more whiteboard.

John: As you’re looking at the big whiteboard map of where the story is, that’s what we’re really talking about, structures. It’s making sure that they’re not just individual things but they’re connected in ways that are meaningful and actually provide value.

Craig: And if you’re looking at structure in that way, when you put up a card that says a big race or they sing, you have to know why. They race, but the point of this race is he disappoints somebody and feels horrible or he chickens out or he realizes that he’s better than he thought he was. Why do they sing this song? Because this song shows that they’re all thinking about themselves only and not about each other. That’s why those note cards happen. That’s structure.

John: You’re asking, why is this happening now? What is the effect of this happening now on the stuff before and afterwards?

Craig: How does this change what comes next?

John: We say you’re asking yourself, but that’s one of those cases where having the writer’s room, if you’re in a TV situation or having a writing partner, we know a lot of partners who one person is the person who’s better at sensing this overall map of story and another person is really good at the execution details.

Craig: David Zucker, when I first started working on Scary Movie 3, he didn’t know me. I was shoved in there, right? It’s week one and he has no idea who I am and he’s like, “I don’t know this guy.” He was like, “You’re like structure boy.” I was structure boy. Then it was funny. It was funny. He didn’t mean it as an insult. He actually really respected structure. He was obsessed with note cards and he was a big believer. I’m talking about him like he’s dead. He’s perfectly alive. He would appreciate that I’m talking about him like he’s dead.

He was very rigorous about logic. Actually, he was quite grateful that structure boy was there to help because I think he had real problems with that in his part– He had been trying and there is a great structure to like, for instance, Naked Gun, fantastic structure, but it was hard for him. It took him a lot of work. It was useful to have a structure boy.

John: Just thinking back to last week’s conversation with Jesse Eisenberg, he was talking about like an idea and needing structure in order to actually have the idea make sense. He was talking about how originally he had this approach for the movie and he realized the big reveal happened at the end of act one and he just didn’t have an act two or an act three because things just happened too early. He needed to change everything around and he needed to change the premise so that he could actually have a structure that made sense for the course of the movie.

Craig: Therein is the difference between good writers and not good writers. Good writers will make a mistake and then go, “Oh, that’s a mistake.” Bad writers will make a mistake and go, “This is awesome.”

John: The bad writer might just spend a sec, “Oh, but I’ll figure it out later.”

Craig: No one will care.

John: Or they just give up.

Craig: They give up. I think the biggest issue is it’s that having that other you that can just be the audience with its arms crossed going, “Yes, that’s fine.” What’s worse than hearing that’s fine? I’ve said that to myself before and I’m like, “Oh boy, let’s not do that.”

John: All right. On the topic of that’s fine, let’s talk about the meh. This comes from a newsletter that somebody sent me, it’s written by Sasha Chapin. He writes that, “I believe one of my skills is that I’m good at liking things. I intensely enjoy many of my experiences, whether we’re talking about music, art, people, food, places, books, movies, anything. It’s not that I don’t have critical judgment or favorites. The ceiling on my appreciation is high, but the floor is high too.”

He runs through some of this advice for enjoying things. I thought they applied really well to enjoying a movie because what I do find is I feel like people have, some of it’s just as you age up, but there’s a cynicism and it’s like, ehh, that I feel happening more. I just want to remind people of ways to enjoy a movie. Because sometimes if you’re sitting and watching a movie, you’re like, “I could just look at my phone.” No, there are other things you can look at instead.

Craig: I think sometimes people say they didn’t like a movie because there is a risk of saying you like something you can be sneered at. No one will sneer at you for not liking something. If anything, you can be like, “You all cretins. You’ve taken delight in this, you idiot.” It’s hard to say you like things. People will sit through a movie silently watching the entire thing. Then when it’s over, go, “I mean, it was okay.” What else gets you to sit there silently fixated upon it for two hours? Nothing.

John: While you’re staring silently at a thing, wondering whether you like it, some of his advice first is look at the other part. He’s saying, move your attention beyond the part that you’re immediately focused on. For his example, it’s like, listen to the baseline in a song and listen to actually hear what the bass is doing, which can be fascinating. For me, sometimes if I’m not fully enjoying that, but I can then I can look at the sets, I can hear the score, I can just appreciate the world in which the story is in. That’s okay. It’s okay to not maybe be enamored by everything in the movie that you’re experiencing but to focus on one thing, one part of it is also okay.

Craig: Sometimes people think that unless a movie is perfect, it’s bad. Movies will make a mistake. That mistake is not an objective mistake. What it is a disruption in your relationship with it. You are on a great date with a movie and then it did something and you went, “Oh, no, I don’t like that thing.” Well get over it because, like dates, movies will have flaws for you. Other people might enjoy those. You didn’t like it, accept it as part of the process where nothing is perfect, and then get back to liking it. Don’t just go, “There it is.” You know what? The movie had me until this person said this thing and then I was like, “Oh, this is garbage.” That’s stupid. That’s how stupid people talk.

John: Another bit of advice, let the intensity in. He’s talking about how people don’t generally like heavy metal because it sounds like an assault on their ears.

Craig: Yes. An awesome assault.

John: Sometimes a movie will do something like and I’ll just cringe on its behalf. Sometimes you just let the movie be the fullest version of itself and try to appreciate for what the movie is doing, even if it’s not necessarily your taste, just watch it enjoy itself.

Craig: Yes. And if a movie is doing what it was intended to do and you can feel they wanted to make a large macaroni and cheese and I just got a huge bowl of macaroni and cheese. Who love macaroni and cheese? What do you mean? Yell at the macaroni? They did what they would. Really absolutely appreciate at least this is for macaroni and cheese. They cared. They delivered it. What else could we ask for them?

John: 100%.

Craig: I feel like comedies in particular get judged so harshly for this. Again, if it’s not Tootsie, it’s no good.

John: “That joke didn’t work for me.”

Craig: What about the 5,000 other words? You laughed a bunch of times and you’re not even in a comedy club where everybody’s drunk. Do you understand why? The two-drink minimum is the reason 70% of comedians have a job. Everyone’s a little toasty and it’s fun and you’re all together and somebody’s doing it live and adapting and feeling you out and saying, “You don’t like this joke. You’re going to– Oh, you like that one? I’ll give you more of those.” Movies are stuck. They’re only going to do the one thing. That’s it. You could be alone in the theater and you’re like, “Eh, yes.”

John: Next bit of advice. Develop a crush on the creator. Allow yourself to be transiently infatuated with the person who produced the work.

Craig: Who likes that idea? Sexy Craig. You’re infatuated with me.

John: Think about the artist’s intention —

Craig: He wasn’t even giving any of that. He’s so horrified by Sexy Craig.

John: Here’s what I’ve learned is don’t acknowledge it.

Craig: You just turn away from it. At the end of Nightmare on Elm Street, she turns her back on Freddy Krueger and he disappears.

John: That’s my hope.

Craig: You keep hoping.

John: Thinking about intention, why did this creator do this? What are they trying to achieve? Actually, it can be useful to stop and if you’re not enjoying this moment right now, think about the actual person making it or what the intention was behind the thing can get you reengaged in what they’re doing.

Craig: Give people the benefit of the doubt. Now, there are times where you will watch a movie and you will think, “Oh, this is just poorly done.” In those circumstances, sometimes I will think to myself, “Giving these people the benefit of the doubt, something went wrong here.” Rather than me presuming that everybody sat down and said, “This is exactly what we want to do,” did it, showed it to me, and it was a mess. What if I think to myself, “What was this supposed to be? What, who, how, what went wrong? What collided with this?” That in and of itself is interesting, to allow something to be bad without saying and it was intentionally so. It is almost never intentionally so.

John: Even if something isn’t bad, but it’s just mid or meh, it’s like–

Craig: Mid or meh is the worst. I am so frustrated with this mid or meh. No, it’s not. It’s not mid or meh. The only thing that I find mid or meh is the usage of mid and meh, which is the most mediocre thing you can do, just repeating a blase indifference that 1,000 other people have repeated in the last five seconds.

John: What I do find, I try to stop it myself, but I see other people doing it as well, is I feel like people are writing their letterbox review while they’re watching the movie.

Craig: Oh, the worst.

John: To this whole exercise, I’m just trying to remind you to be present for the movie that’s actually in front of you. Don’t try to anticipate your reaction afterwards.

Craig: You bought a ticket, give yourself to it. You’re giving it your time, give it your time. Everybody grew up on 1,000 film critics and they all want to be a film critic. By the way, that’s a job that I guess everybody feels like they’re going to just do for free. It’s so strange. It’s as if people go to a restaurant, have a great meal, they hate on it, they call it mid, they go home, and then they make their own version of it. It’s just, don’t be a critic. That’s a job, which is already questionable.

Just give in and just watch it honestly. There’ll be time enough. How many times have you seen something, and then four days later, you went, “You know what? I actually love that. I was wrong. It won’t leave me. Now I realize I just needed some time.” You don’t give yourself time if you immediately go home and start, letterbox.

John: Here’s the other thing I think is, letterbox, you’re rating it one to five stars, and you’re also giving a thing, but just move beyond like or dislike and just appreciate something he says in his articles, like begrudging enjoyment, or like– There are multiple ways to experience a thing.

Craig: Flavors.

John: here’s things like, I don’t want to watch that movie again, but I’m glad I watched it.

Craig: I’ll give you an example.

John: Please.

Craig: I went to go see a movie called, I believe it was called The Island by Michael Bay.

John: Oh yes. I remember that.

Craig: Remember Michael Bay’s The Island.

John: Scarlett Johansson.

Craig: Scarlett Johansson and Ewan McGregor. It wasn’t a movie that I thought after when I walked out, “That was awesome.” I didn’t have that feeling. There were a lot of things I remember thinking, a lot of this doesn’t seem to add up. As I was going along, I would keep getting jostled out by logic convolution.

But there is a car chase in it that is so spectacular. For me, that was worth the price of admission. I marveled at it. I still marvel at it. I don’t understand how they did it. It is so incredible to me. When I see things like that in movies that I otherwise maybe I’m not enjoying, I go, well, there. You know what? I’m still talking about– Do you know how many movies I saw that I was like, it was really good? I don’t even remember seeing them. But I remember the car chase in The Island.

John: Last bit of advice here that he gives us is, notice how your body enjoys it. What are the physical reactions? Again, we’re talking about being present for it and actually looking at your own feelings. When I’m watching something that is genuinely scary, that’s part of the reason why I’m watching it, so I actually get that physical sensation. When I’m watching something that’s so funny that it hurts, that’s why you go. Just acknowledge and clock that because I think so often you forget afterwards like, “Oh yes, it was actually so funny that my stomach hurt.”

Craig: It was so funny that I laughed. That’s a physical response, just laughing of any kind. It’s so hard to make people do. I love that aspect of it. I find that the physical response that I notice the most when I’m being dislodged from the experience is a wandering. My mind begins to wander and I feel myself returning to my body. It wanders away from the movie, back into my skull. When I’m in it, whether it’s a show, I’m gone.

John: Yes. You’re not physically there.

Craig: I’m not there.

John: You’re inside the world.

Craig: What an amazing trick of the mind.

John: All right. Some advice about movies, TV shows, I would say just let yourself be entertained by the things you’re choosing to watch and see and listen to.

Craig: Be brave enough to like things. It’s actually a more mature and more enlightened state of being when it comes to interacting with art.

John: Agreed. Let’s turn to questions. First, we have Elizabeth in Brooklyn.

Drew: Elizabeth writes, “How does a screenwriter for hire best work with a director? I find that more and more I’m coming on to studio and streamer projects where a director is already attached. Every director is different, obviously, and I’m finding that a good many of them are not story people. They don’t have a sense of the necessary scaffolding or how to build a character’s journey.

Craig: Structure.

Drew: “They obsess over the weeds without zooming up to see the whole landscape. The real problem is those who don’t know what they don’t know. They want to do script brainstorming sessions with me, which is actually them just excitedly pitching contradictory suggestions or plain old bad ideas. They fight me on beats that the studio loves. Should I be thinking of this relationship where you don’t speak the same language?

Sometimes they’re infuriating, but you need to be patient and respectful so that you can create material that suits them and so that the relationship endures. Or is it okay to set up boundaries so that you can go off and write your draft without being subject to many unhelpful brainstorming sessions? When the director doesn’t want me to write something studio has approved, which master am I supposed to serve?”

John: All right. Craig, you and I actually know this writer who’s writing in. Congratulations, Elizabeth. You’re at a point now where you’re dealing with directors on projects and you’re–

Craig: The way we have a million times.

John: Yes. This is all so familiar. I just say like, big giant hug around you. I know how hard this is. Craig is shaking his head.

Craig: If you listen to that question and you put it in the context of any other business when she gets to the point of, should I just be really patient? What? This happens all the time because our business has overindulged directors in film for some reason. It’s a little bit like a history teacher is paired with a history student to write a report on history and the history student is put in charge. That’s what it’s like.

John: To me, it’s like you’re any software engineer who has to talk to Elon Musk.

Craig: That also works. [chuckles] You realize the authority is backwards. It is not earned. I want to be clear about something. There are directors who are brilliant at this. You know how you know that a director is deserving of the authority they have? They are deserving of the authority they have. They earned it. They demonstrated it either through their own writing o– With somebody like Steven Spielberg, he works with screenwriters all the time and he is so good at it that he brings the best out of them. He respects what they do and then does what he does so brilliantly.

We have a situation where somebody’s been writing for 30 years. Let’s give them a couple Oscars while we’re at it. Let’s say that they’re paid $4 million to work on this. The director is a first-time director. Why would you put that one in charge of that one? What do you do? I’m a big fan of boundaries and I’m a big fan of remembering that you do work for the studio. The studio, which bends over backwards and is all worried about directors, needs to know. Otherwise, you just end up writing bad things to make a conversation go better. That’s not going to help anybody, particularly you.

John: What I want to draw the distinction between is the conversation and the writing. I think sometimes, Elizabeth, you just have to like– It’s almost going back to this conversation we just had about how to enjoy a thing. It’s like all this stuff is coming your way from this director and you just have to take it in and feel it. You get much better at like, I hear what you’re saying there and it feels like that could match up with this thing we were talking about earlier.

You get a sense of how to feel that stuff and how to make it all work. But some of what you’re getting paid for, and I hope you’re getting paid well, is just to exist in those rooms and hear that and make people feel heard and then still be able to go off and write a freaking great script that they’re going to be excited to do. The other thing, which originally I was really nervous about, but I became clear that they won’t remember all the things they pitched at you.

Craig: Oh, no. They won’t be delighted by anything more than a good script, regardless of what all the conversations were because they’re not writers and they don’t know. I’m assuming that this is a non-writing director. I’m also assuming that this is not a director that has earned his or her stripes through achievement and success. It doesn’t sound like that. There are directors that you and I know of who are just bananas. Everyone knows they’re bananas. Their thing is when they capture footage and work with actors, their bananas-ness sometimes gets great things. The script has to be the adult in the room.

You and I have talked about ScreenwriterPlus. It’s not enough to be talented. It’s not enough to have a great work ethic. You also need to be extraordinarily diplomatic and shrewd. You are being hired to manage, sometimes, to manage that person. To deliver a good script that the actor will like and the studio will like without the director blowing up and going crazy.

Don’t overindulge the director and don’t be too afraid of them. If that director has so much authority that they can boot you off the movie because you’re not writing down their insane stuff, then you don’t belong there. Then you’re writing a different movie anyway.

John: Going back to Spielberg, I was lucky to work with him on three different projects. He is so smart and is also not a natural writer. He does have the understanding of what he wants to do in a movie and how to make movies. He knows how to do it and he’ll pitch you things. But it is your responsibility to find out how to go from that thing to what actually needs to happen in the movie and the script. Recognizing that people can be awesome at certain things and not be as good as other things. That’s great. That’s true. You also can’t design costumes. You can’t do other things.

Craig: Neither can we. We know how to do it. I write and I direct and I produce. You know what I don’t do? I don’t light. I don’t know how to light. If you put a gun to my head, I know what a bounce does and what a flag does. That’s part of how I tell stories. When I’m working with my cinematographer, I look at something and I’m like, okay, here’s what I think about this and why, or here’s what I want to achieve and why.

Then they execute it with a level of technical prowess that will never fully be understandable to me. There’s a lot that’s going on invisible under the surface that I don’t notice. I just see the end product. And I appreciate them for that because I can’t do what they do. That’s how a great director will work with a great writer, by understanding they need to go do their thing and I’m going to give them a good target to hit. I acknowledge there’s a lot of stuff under the surface that’s happening that I’m not aware of.

The ding-dong directors will casually kick things around like drunken toddlers with no understanding of what they’ve just unraveled and done. It’s very frustrating. [laughs] You know what you’re hearing is the 25 years of working with directors, some of whom I deeply love. I love working with Todd Phillips. I love working with Denis Villeneuve. There’s so many directors that I really enjoyed working with. On my show, there are directors I love working with, even though it’s a different circumstance and I’m the authority. But man, ooh, John, you and I both have been in some rooms where we are just like hostages to a madman.

John: Yes. That’s reality. Let’s do a simple question. Let’s do one from Tad. He’s writing about point of view.

Drew: Tad says, “I get confused about how to return from a point-of-view shot. If I use a his POV slug line, do I need to use another slug line when I leave his POV. If I use John as the next slugline, then I’m trapped on John until I get to the next scene heading, or else I get into a string of sluglines as I jump from character to character.”

John: I understand what Tad is running into here, and I think it’s the assumption that once you put in an intermediate slugline like his POV, they were trapped in there forever, and you’re not. Sometimes is good to signal to the reader like, “We’re no longer in POV.” In my own scripts, I’ve done end POV, or it’s not that, it’s a separate slugline.

Craig: It’s lengthy. Then I think it’s reasonable to say, we begin this person’s POV, and then there’s multiple paragraphs of what they’re seeing, what they’re seeing, and then it says end POV if it’s like a section. If it’s just one moment, I think the next paragraph, John’s POV, Brenda enters the room. On Brenda. You can do that.

John: Yes, totally. That also work.

Craig: Walking into the restaurant.

John: It’s also good to remember the intermediary slugline is really useful, breaking up stuff on the page and give you a sense of how stuff flows. If you’re just popping into POV for one shot or something, you can put POV as part of the paragraph.

Craig: Always. I don’t think I ever break it off on its own because it feels so technical. I want people to just be in the POV rather than being in, now, the POV you’re portraying, and then the POV. I just want them in it. You can be informal about that completely.

John: A case where intermediary sluglines can be really helpful is, let’s say you have a scene that’s happening and then you have characters who are breaking off and they’re having their own little side conversation. That’s a situation where it feels like it’s a scene within a scene, and that’s useful for that. In those situations, it’ll probably make sense that you’re just sticking with those characters and then you have to get us back over to the other shot.

Craig: Sometimes I just use capital letters to do the same job. I might say, OFF IN ONE CORNER, all in caps, then dash, and then spacebar, dash, spacebar, stuff happens. Off in one corner will tell me the story.

John: Totally. All right. Let’s do our One Cool Things. My one cool thing is a good blog post article by Maggie Appleton called Growing a Human: The First 30 Weeks, which is just talking about what she learned during her first pregnancy here. She’s about to have a baby. A quote, I’ll read from it. “After decades of existing in a culture that worships rational, modern scientific knowledge, preferably discovered within the last 500 years, it’s been humbling to realize how much the pre-modern animalistic parts of me know and are capable of, and how much of me feels innately, subconsciously designed to want this and feel perfectly equipped to do it.”

What I like about the post as it goes on longer is that it’s recognizing that, oh yes, I’m an animal who’s doing this thing. It’s not even in my control. It’s just like, this is just a thing that’s happening. I’m just a passenger to it. Also, that sense of, so many people will tell you there’s one natural right way to do a thing. She brings up the example of that organic banana you’re picking, bananas exist only because we made them. The banana in the wild is not a thing at all. Just to recognize that you’re living in this messy place of like, yes, it’s fully human and natural, but it’s also a cultural system that we’re in and just you got to float in that.

Craig: “No genetically modified organisms in this.” It’s all genetically modified. It’s called mixing the strains. What are they talking about? No genetically modified stuff in this tangelo.

What’s fascinating about what Maggie says is because her body is designed to do an extraordinarily complicated thing, she is now in the mix of that, discovering how much that is part of who she is and how weirdly not in conscious control we are of it.

Over on the other side of the aisle, simpler, dumber people, like say a lot of men will be horny, angry, violent, hungry, where we’ve always been in touch with that. We just called it horny because of the different way it works. Our culture, boys will be boys, indulges this notion of, they’re not really in control of all these things. We are, but there are aspects of it that are underpinned by subconscious things way beneath this level. It is interesting how a complicated person doing a very complicated process can suddenly discover this.

John: We have a new baby in our life and it’s been so great to be able to have a baby around and to be babysitting and just to have this small human. I was just watching my daughter hold a baby and feed a baby. She’s like, “Oh my God, it all kicked in.” She really felt all this —

Craig: Oh my God. Are you going to be a grandpa?

John: No, not anytime soon. But that sense of like, oh yes, it’s like a primal physical thing that happens.

Craig: That’s why we keep making more people. It is primal and people will laugh about it, but it’s real. Absolutely. It’s not for everybody. There are plenty of women that pick up a baby and go, “Get this baby away from me.” Perfectly fine. The biological clock syndrome and all that stuff, it’s just science. It’s just hormones.

John: This is me talking out of my ass, but I do wonder if some of the population decline is young people’s decision like, “I don’t want to have kids.” Maybe it’s because they haven’t been around– They’ve just not kicked in because they never got to do that. Because there are fewer babies, there are going to be fewer babies.

Craig: That may be true. Being around babies makes you like babies. Although being around babies casually makes you like babies. That’s why grandparents are like, “Give me, make me a grandparent so that I can show up for an hour and be like, oh, it’s crying now. Bye.”

John: I’m getting the grandparent ability to hang out with the kids.

Craig: You and I have parented our own babies.

John: Still, I’d recommend it.

Craig: Yes. The ride of a lifetime, the ride of a life. There ain’t nothing like it. You want to talk about like when you watch horror movies to feel scared? I’m kidding.

John: Yes, absolutely.

Craig: Now you know what fear is.

My one cool thing this week is the 2024 rules of D&D in a different aspect. I finally got to play.

John: Fantastic.

Craig: I’m in another campaign where I play. It’s the first campaign I played where it was D&D 2024 rules from the start. It works great.

John: That’s great.

Craig: It works great.

John: What are some surprises, the things you didn’t anticipate? Because we talked through some of the changes.

Craig: Sure. Character creation is a little bit tricky if you are well versed in the old method because the old method honestly was a bit simpler and a bit stupider when it came to your abilities. It was all tied to are you a dwarf? Are you a gnome? Are you a human? You get plus two strength. You get plus one wisdom. That’s it. Boop. The end. Now it’s not tied to that at all. It’s tied to backgrounds. Each background gives you a chance to add one point to three different things or two to one, one to another, but the three different things are different for each background.

They’re very clever. It’s never the three that would work together in the most min-max way. It’s a little complicated in the beginning to do some math. Once you get through that, and of course you get to, it’s very customizable. The flow of the play has been greatly improved. Every single class gets some fun choices to make. For instance, I’m not a rogue, but another character is. Rogues are notoriously boring to play because even for Arcane Tricksters, mostly they hide, jump out, shoot or stab, go back into the shadows. If they get sneak attack, you roll a bunch of dice. Whoop-dee-doo.

One of the things they’ve done is for at least this version of the rogue, you can trade some of those. If you get sneak attack, you can pull some of those dice out and use them to do other things. You’re always facing those interesting choices as you’re playing. A lot of options, so many options, but they don’t seem cumbersome. It’s just smooth and it’s fun. I have not run into one thing yet where I was like, even the things that nerf stuff a little bit, like Divine Smite’s a little nerf now, but who cares? It’s better, honestly. It makes more sense. Let’s put it this way. Having done it, I wouldn’t want to not do it.

John: We’re finishing up a campaign right now, which is using old rules, but next campaign we’re already planning to use 2024.

Craig: I will encourage everybody to dive in. Honestly, you don’t have to read the whole damn book. You just learn your one thing. D&D Beyond is particularly good at teaching you by helping you build your character. Roll20 doesn’t teach you a damn thing when you build your character. It’s a mess.

John: You would recommend people, even if they’re going to play in Roll20, build your character out in D&D Beyond, then just transfer it over.

Craig: Yes, because D&D Beyond is laid out so much better. Every step of the way, you can click on things and it will tell you, this is what this means. This is what this means. This is what this means. You can go back easily and rejigger it easily. It’s so much simpler.

John: One of my previous One Cool Things was this book on sort of role-playing game history. It’s basically starting with D&D, like going up all the way through where we’re at now, but like all these games I’d never heard of. I’ve loved just buying some of these games that I’m sure we’re never going to play. As I’m watching the evolution of the systems and how things fit together and what this game took from this game, it’s just interesting to see a whole form evolve.

Craig: It really has. Hats off to those guys. They did a great job.

John: One of the games I just was reading about was Fiasco if you remember.

Craig: Oh, yes, sure.

John: A few years ago. At the Kelly Marcel episode.

Craig: That’s right. Fiasco. Poor John. [laughs] I don’t even remember what happened. I just remember that we did terrible things.

John: Yes, absolutely. It was a Coen Brothers movie.

Craig: It was a Coen Brothers movie, and you were like Brad Pitt in it.

John: Yes. [laughter] That is our show for this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt. Edited by Matthew Chilelli. Outro this week is by Guy Fee. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions like the ones we answered today. You’ll find transcripts at johnaugust.com, along with a sign-up for our weekly newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. We have T-shirts and hoodies, and drinkware, you’ll find them all at Cotton Bureau.

Craig: Oh, drinkware.

John: You can find the show notes with links for all the things we talked about today in the email you get each week as a premium subscriber. Thank you to all our premium subscribers.

Craig: Yes, thank you.

John: You make it possible for us to do this every week. You can sign up to become one at scriptnotes.net where you get all those back-up episodes and bonus segments like the one we’re about to record on gadgets that tell us what our bodies are doing.

Craig: Yes, wearables.

John: Wearables. Great. Thanks for a fun episode.

Craig: Thank you, John.

John: Thanks, Drew.

[Bonus Segment]

John: All right, Craig, so for the holidays, I got myself an Oura Ring, which you can see I’m wearing right now.

Craig: I see it on you right now.

John: It’s a little black ring. I’ve worn an Apple watch for a long time, which is also keeping track of healthy things. Friends who had Oura Rings liked them, and so I got one, and it’s impressive. It feels like an Apple product that does not come from Apple. It’s smartly done.

Craig: Does it feel like it will rule them all and in the darkness bind them?

John: Maybe.

Craig: Have you thrown it in the fire and looked for the black speech of Mordor?

John: You know what? I haven’t unlocked that aspect of it yet. Maybe that’s a subscription bonusy thing.

Craig: It must be cast back into the fires from whence it came.

John: The reason I got it is I don’t wear my Apple watch to sleep. It’s actually really good at sleep tracking. Last week, it’s like, “Oh, you’re cold. You’re sick.” I’m like, “Oh, yes, I am sick.” Then it actually anticipated.

Craig: Or were you sick?

John: Was I sick? It’s like a somatic force had been there.

Craig: I’ll tell you why I stopped wearing. It was very comfortable. That part I was fine with. I stopped wearing it because what would happen is I would wake up, feel perfectly refreshed, look at my phone. It was like, “Oh-

John: Oh, you slept so poorly.

Craig: -you slept five minutes.” I’m like, what? Then there are times where I’d wake up like, “Oh my God…” It was like, “Great job!” I’m like, either you’re guessing or my brain isn’t working right. Either way, I would get like, oh, I guess I didn’t sleep that much. I don’t want to know. I didn’t want to know. If I’m feeling okay, I slept enough.

John: I was talking to Julie Turner about this last night. It’s that issue of what metrics do you actually want to know and when is it actually helpful for you. Right now, it’s feeling helpful, but there’s other stuff I’ve stopped doing. I was like logging food for a while. It was easy for me to do.

Craig: It’s tedious.

John: I wasn’t getting insightful information out of it. I want to talk about your wearable because you actually have something that you need, which is tracking your glucose.

Craig: Yes, so I wear the FreeStyle Libre from Abbott Pharmaceuticals Corporation. It is a continuous glucose monitor. I don’t have to do the finger sticks. This is for people with type 1 diabetes, but also for people with type 2 diabetes. It’s basically anybody that has any blood sugar issue, it’s very helpful.

I just read that they are now starting to make a version for non-diabetic people to help with weight loss and things like that. One thing that’s amazing about it is it does connect you to what is the impact of the food you eat. Writing down what you ate and then weighing yourself the next day, it’s kind of useless. Could be water, could be poop. Who the hell knows why you weigh what you did that morning?

I’m going to eat something and look at my phone 45 minutes later and go, “Oh, I shouldn’t have eaten that. That’s not working well for me.” It is extraordinarily valuable feedback and I check it all the time. I had a piece of birthday cake. Let’s see how I did. You’ll see it on here. There it is. See it?

John: Oh wow, right up there, yes.

Craig: I had it. This is right when I had it. Now, the good news is, also the arrow is very important.

John: It’s coming down.

Craig: Happily, it’s only in the yellow. It’s not in the red. I try and live my life in the green. Mostly I’m 90. It tells you what your range is. I live 91% in the green, which is amazing.

John: Great.

Craig: The key is that arrow. When you see a high number and the arrow’s straight up, go outside and walk. Walk real hard because there’s problem. If you’re low and the arrow’s pointing down, eat something.

John: How often is it just a surprise to you? At this point, you can just anticipate where you’re at.

Craig: It is rarely a surprise. The only time I get surprised is if I eat something that I haven’t eaten before. With this, I remember the first time I had sushi, I just was like, “It’s just sushi, it’ll be fine.”

John: It’s white rice.

Craig: Oh no, it’s not just white rice. Sushi rice has a lot of sugar in it. There’s something about rice plus the sugar in it that just sends my blood sugar skyrocketing as opposed to say, whole-grain bread. The surprises are only the first time. Day-to-day, I could have told you that was going to happen. That’s not even that bad.

John: My Oura Ring does know if I had a drink. It’s like, “Oh, it sounds like you had a drink.” It does know that you don’t sleep as well when you have a drink.

Craig: I sure don’t and I don’t need an Oura Ring to tell me that. I know I don’t. If I had some trouble sleeping and then I hit Saturday and it’s like, we’re going out to dinner. I’m just like, it would be great to have a drink with people and be social and stuff. I’m not going to because I’m in trouble right now.

John: I’m enjoying the ring for now. I don’t think I necessarily need it for all things. I don’t swim with my Apple Watch, so it’d be useful for that. We’ll see where I’m at down the road on it, but I’m enjoying it.

Craig: It’s a good thing. It just was bumming me out.

John: Don’t stick with things that bum you out.

Craig: No, I want it to be useful. Also, it’s a very after-the-fact thing like, “Oh, you’re having a drink.” Yes, I know, I drank it. “Oh, you didn’t sleep well.” Yes, I know, I’m here. I just woke up and I don’t feel good. It’s like an I told you so ring, which is like not as useful to me as, oh, you shouldn’t eat this next time kind of thing.

John: It does nudge you to go to bed, but I have plenty of other things that are not telling me to go to bed.

Craig: Like the clock.

John: Yes, like the husband.

[laughter]

Craig: The husband, exactly. Is Mike a go-to-bed-early guy?

John: No, actually, I’m generally the person who goes up the stairs first and I’m the person who closes the curtains and turns on the humidifier and puts the dog away.

Craig: Do you need to go to sleep before he goes to sleep?

John: It’s good I do, but it’s not mandatory. Sometimes in D&D nights, I’ll be second, yes.

Craig: You’ll be second.

John: I definitely have a sleep window and if I am not in bed by 11:00, I’m awake again and it’s hard for me to get to sleep.

Craig: I have some windows like that too. Melissa falls asleep so easily and she naps. Sometimes it’s 8:15 and she’s out, and I’m like, “All right, no problem.” We’ve always been on different sleep schedules.

John: Even though we have no kids in the house anymore, we wake up at 7:20 every morning to get Amy off to school and even though she’s not here anymore.

Craig: It’s just the biological clock.

John: Yes. Which is fine. It’s a good time to be up.

Craig: 7:20 is a great time. Listen, having been in production for so long, 7:20 sounds like a luxury. Wake up a lot of times at 5:10.

John: Brutal.

Craig: The worst. Especially when you wake up and it’s dark.

John: In Canada.

Craig: Then you go to bed and it’s dark and then you wake up the next day and it’s dark and you’re like, oh. Going to work in the dark is such a heartbreaker.

John: Not good. Thanks, Craig.

Craig: Thank you.

Links:

  • Weekend Read on the App Store
  • Oscar nominations 2025
  • IVF Mixup movies: Parallel Mothers, Maybe Baby, Good Newwz, Daughter from Another Mother
  • Manhunt
  • The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood
  • How to like everything more by Sasha Chapin
  • Growing a Human: The First 30 Weeks by Maggie Appleton
  • 2024 Player’s Handbook
  • Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!
  • Check out the Inneresting Newsletter
  • Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription or treat yourself to a premium subscription!
  • Craig Mazin on Threads and Instagram
  • John August on BlueSky, Threads, Instagram, and Mastodon
  • Outro by Guy Fee (send us yours!)
  • Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt and edited by Matthew Chilelli.

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode here.

Scriptnotes, Episode 663: Live in Austin 2024, Transcript

November 21, 2024 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found here.

John: Hey, this is John.

Craig: And this is Craig.

John: Today’s episode was recorded last night at the Austin Film Festival, and we enjoy doing live shows. It’s fun to have a big crowd come out.

Craig: Yes, and we did have a big crowd.

John: We did have a big crowd. Whenever we do one of these live shows, Matthew Chilelli, our brave editor, has to go through and try to make it make sense, for what was in the room versus what you’re hearing in your ears. Last night’s episode and the episode you’re about to listen to is probably a little bit more confusing than other things. That’s why we have this explanatory introductory note. Craig, do you want to talk about the lights? We’ll try to cut out and mention the lights, but the lights were weird.

Craig: Yes, or now that people know, we can just leave that in and they can experience our confusion in real time. We’re in the Stephen Austin Hotel in Austin, and it’s like a ballroom. Lots of big lights, chandelier-y lights that are set for a certain mood. I guess the mood this night was podcast. At some point, they just started changing. They got really bright and then they went really dark, and then they got back to normal. Then five minutes later they went really yellow and then really orange. I honestly thought I was losing my mind.

John: It was like if you’ve been in Caesar’s Palace where it has the fake sky and it changes, but if it changed really quickly, it was jarring.

Craig: Somebody hit the button that says like, “wedding fun.” You will occasionally hear me say, “What the F with the lights.” It was funny. We all enjoyed it in the room. You at home I’m sure will go, “Why are they all laughing suddenly about nothing?” It’s the lights.

John: It’s the lights. Last night was also the first game in the World Series and we’ll cut out some of the mentions of it, but they’re an ongoing runner.

Craig: While the show’s being recorded, the last three innings of game one of the World Series between my beloved Yankees in the cursed Los Angeles Dodgers was occurring. Matt Selman, who is the showrunner of The Simpsons, is there in the third row. He and I are making eye contact and I’ve got my phone occasionally. The thing about baseball is almost nothing happens until something happens. You can just look at it graphically. You’re not really watching the game. At one point the Yankees took the lead and then, they lost upon a Grand Slam home run. The worst possible way to lose. Anyway, you may hear some ups and downs in there. Some confusing baseball updates as you hear this episode, the World Series is ongoing and my great hope is that the Yankees are winning.

John: In this episode, we have incredible guests. We have Justin Marks and Rachel Kondo who did Shōgun, which is great. It’s great to talk with the two of them. We have Megan Amram and Susan Soon He Stanton talking about working on their respective shows. We have a game show segment, which kind of worked? It was a very fun premise. We might put some part of that in there.

Craig: I enjoy the hell out of it personally. In a meta way, you’ll see why.

John: Of course, for our premium members, there’s a bonus segment. The bonus segment is the questions that come at the end of the night, Craig. You always do your standard disclaimer about what a question is. Still, sometimes people will come up to the mic, with questions that are not questions.

Craig: This particular one, if you’re a premium member, you’ll get to enjoy one question that was a question, but one of the weirdest ones we’ve ever gotten.

John: I want to thank again, the Austin Film Festival for having us here. We want to thank Matthew Chilelli for his brave editing. Drew Marquardt, Chris Csont, and Megana Rao who all helped out with the night last night and enjoy this live show from Austin Film Festival. One last thing we do mention at the very end, there is going to be a live show in Los Angeles, December 6th, and we have some great guests. When you get this episode, the tickets may already be on sale. If you’re a premium member, you’ll get an email about that ahead of time.

Craig: Of course, as one might expect, there is plenty of bad language in this episode. Earmuffs for the children.

John: Fantastic.

[music]

John: Hi. Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

Craig: My name is Craig Mazin.

John: You are listening to a very live episode in Austin of Scriptnotes. It’s a podcast about screenwriting and-

Audience: Things that are interesting to screenwriters.

John: So good.

Craig: John?

John: Yes.

Craig: Two middle-aged white men on a stage in front of a large crowd. Should we Elon Musk jump together?

John: 100%.

[laughter]

John: Now, Craig, it wasn’t the last time, but it was one of our previous live Scriptnotes here in Austin. We got into a little bit of trouble. Do you remember that? You were roommates with Ted Cruz?

Craig: Yes.

John: You’re not a big fan of Ted Cruz.

Craig: No.

John: No

[laughter]

John: We had a very special person introduce us on that episode. Who was that person?

Craig: That was Beto O’Rourke.

John: That’s right. We had Beto O’Rourke.

[applause]

Craig: Well, don’t clap that loud. He lost.

John: It turns out that we got a little bit of trouble for that because it was political.

Craig: I may get in trouble again tonight.

John: Well, we’re getting in a little bit of trouble, so I guess we can say why we’re running a little bit late. Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome Kamala Harris.

[cheering]

John: No, that it didn’t work. It didn’t work, no.

Craig: She’s not like Beetlejuice. You can’t just summon her.

John: We do, we have no political guest. We have incredible, non-political guests.

Craig: We have one now. Before we get into that, I did see, somebody in a Dodger’s hat out there. Fuck you.

[laughter]

Craig: The Yankees are currently up two to one still. Did you just give me a thumbs down?

[laughter]

John: No.

Craig: Your friends are disowning you in front of me.

John: Craig, it could have been an accidental thumb down, you know how on Zoom sometimes?

Craig: No, that was incredibly-

John: You’ll do something, suddenly it’ll show thumbs down.

Craig: It was so vigorous. Feel free to interrupt our show and tell me if the score changes. Thank you.

John: Craig this afternoon we did an escape room. I would rate making movies in television high, of things we like. Playing D&D is also very high.

Craig: Higher.

John: Higher, yes. Escape rooms. Where do they fall?

Craig: No, right up in there.

John: They’re right up in there. It was a good experience.

Craig: It’s a fun time.

John: What do we need to teach our audience about escape rooms that they might be useful for them tonight?

Craig: To escape from this room?

John: Not this, but general life skills you’ve learned from escape rooms.

Craig: Because that was menacing. Well, communication, John.

John: Communication.

Craig: Communication.

John: That’s really what it comes down to. Organization as well.

Craig: Also, trying to suppress your frustration with other people.

John: 100%.

Craig: Especially when they’re doing things wrong.

John: I feel like every notes meeting is basically an escape room. You’re looking for, “What do I need to do to get out of this safely without dying?” You’re listening. You’re taking in all the information, you’re trying to process it.

Craig: Trying to not let your frustration get the best of you.

John: Absolutely. Not try to break everything in the process.

Craig: Including their faces.

John: Indeed. That is the goal. We have some guests tonight who have a lot of experience going through that development process.

Craig: Yes. Segue man.

John: I am the segue man. We should start with them right away because we’ve reached the end of Drew’s first card, which says, “John and Craig Banter.”

[laughter]

Craig: Thanks, Drew.

John: Thank you Drew.

Craig: So thorough. Legitimately it says that.

John: She is a screenwriter, producer, acclaimed short story writer who received her MFA from right here at the University of Texas, Austin.

Craig: Woo-hoo.

John: He– Tell us who he is.

Craig: Well I better get my glasses out. I don’t need those. He is a writer, producer, and showrunner who created television series such as Counterpart, which if you have not seen as fucking awesome. Sorry. Language warning. He was nominated for an Academy Award for his work on Top Gun: Maverick, which, you’ve seen it.

[laughter]

Craig: Now together they created Shōgun, which won 18 Emmys, including Outstanding Drama Series. They also created two children, eh, and are also married. Please welcome Rachel Kondo and Justin Marks.

[applause]

Craig: Rowdy, rowdy crowd. We are so excited to talk to you about your show, about what you’re able to achieve here and accomplish, but I want to wind us back to how this even began. Because, as I understand it, it wasn’t like you went in and said like, “I want to do Shōgun.” They came to you and you had to be convinced.

Justin: Well, it was a really long book.

Craig: It’s a long book. The Door Stop they gave you.

John: I love that book.

Justin: I didn’t know they sent us, well they sent me, I guess the book.

Rachel: Let’s be clear. They sent Justin the tome.

Justin: Well, no, first they told me about it and asked if I had read it. Unlike some friends, I had never read it.

John: But you said yes in the room, right?

Craig: Absolutely.

Justin: Yes. “Yes, I’ve read it. Yes, I’ve read it twice,” is what I said in the room. “Just so I can remember, can you send that book again to my house this weekend?”

Craig: A quick refresher.

Justin: It came, it arrived, and it was definitely like a hard pass on Friday afternoon with 1,200 pages in front of me, but I left it on the coffee table and Rachel picked it up.

Rachel: Luckily I was languishing as a truly highly successful short story writer.

Craig: Nice.

Rachel: You know, $40 a year. Paying all the bills.

Craig: The dream could be yours.

Rachel: It could, and that book was on our coffee table, just at that moment when I realized, $40 might not pay the bills.

[laughter]

John: You had young kids.

Craig: Neither one of you had read Shōgun?

Justin: No.

Craig: Had either one of you seen my beloved and corny as fuck 1980?

Rachel: 1980.

Justin: We did. The year of my birth.

Rachel: Justin was born. Not me, Justin.

Craig: Then you didn’t see it?

Justin: Yes.

Craig: I was nine.

[laughter]

Craig: No, that’s okay.

Justin: It’s shocking.

Craig: I know I’m old. It was like, it burned its way into my brain. Then I got the book out of the library and I read it over and over and over. I was obsessed with it. I’m just fascinated by the fact that you guys were like Shōgun initiates, which I think is amazing.

Justin: I think that there was like a silhouette of Shōgun that was in our head.

Rachel: In your head.

Justin: In my head. Which was a guy who looks like me wearing clothes that don’t belong to cultures that look like his. I think I was very quick to judge a book by its cover in this case. In truth, it’s actually a fantastic book. It’s just this in addition to everything else, an incredible page turner, but also really important for where we are today and had a lot more to say than I otherwise thought. Which is what happens when you read a book.

Craig: Let that be a lesson all of you.

John: Well, talk to us the process of like, so they’ve sent you this book, but you did have to go in and say like, “This is how I would do this.” What was that conversation like? Was it a presentation? Was it a pitch? Did you come in with decks? What was the way of describing, “This is what the story is to me.” What did that look like?

Justin: Why are you looking at me? I got to jump in.

Craig: They’re so married.

Rachel: We’re so married. Is this is a podcast?

Craig: I hope so.

John: This is a podcast for sure. This is a podcast where people are obsessed about–

Rachel: It’s a live?

John: Yes.

Rachel: It’s alive. It’s not dead. It’s alive. It’s a live podcast that speaks to screenwriters. I don’t want to give off the idea that my participation is a normal thing. I went into FX saying, “Hello.”

Justin: “My quote is $20.”

Craig: My quote is $20?

Rachel: I demand $45 a year. My memory is just that somehow I laid down on their couch with my head. We were just talking.

Justin: I wasn’t here for this meeting. What happened? To go in at the very early stage was just a conversation with them about, what were the feelings on it. For us, after some discussion and a lot of reading, it was really just a conversation about, “I think this book is great and I don’t think we need to change anything about this book.” We said one thing which turned out to be be entirely untrue, that our only approach to it was going to be to take this book and to invert the gaze to tell it from the Japanese side, which in truth the book does for you.

I also don’t think that that’s really something that it turns out we could do with the two of us and a room full of predominantly Asian American, but American writers doing it. What we could do, which we had a lot of fun doing, was to subvert the gaze, was to take what you think this kind of story is going to look like, and just to turn it on its head every chance we could get. You think you know what’s going to happen when this guy shows up in Japan and here it is. Then just to play with it and play with it very much at that character’s expense, but to have fun with it.

Craig: You guys, look, it’s a fantastic show. It was riveting. Hats off to Hulu also for putting out basically one episode a week, which I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do, it seems like a totally obvious thing to do.

Justin: It’s like the medium should be done that way.

Craig: Weirdly. We should do episodes once a week so as to create a cultural conversation for everyone. It did, and I’m just curious when, because you mentioned the book is a door stop. It is, it’s huge. I’m wondering, like a snake with a mouse. How do you break this thing apart just structurally to go, “Okay.” I suspect you guys didn’t start with, “Right. This is going to be this many episodes. Now. How do we fit this many episodes?” You broke it down. How do you break down something that size?

Justin: Well, we did know it was 10.

Craig: How did you know it was 10?

Justin: Because we were told it was 10.

[laughter]

Craig: The premise of my question is wrong. Moving on.

John: Also the premise was this is a miniseries, so this is going to be a limited 10 episodes miniseries, that it wasn’t going to be an endless–

Craig: They told you 10?

Justin: Yes.

Craig: You guys were like, “Okay.”

Justin: Sure.

Craig: Then you read the book?

Justin: Yes. “That’ll be $20 per episode.”

Craig: Wow. New question, this is way more interesting to me, is how do you break something down that size and make sure it fits into 10 buckets? How do you do that?

Justin: This is where, in truth, I think your short fiction background came into play.

Craig: I’ll give you $40 if it’ll help you answer.

Rachel: We’ll tell you what we came to in hindsight, but it’s not like any of us were going at this saying, “Yes, we know how to do this with 10 episodes.” No, we didn’t know shit. Can you say that you can on podcast?

Craig: Yes.

Rachel: Justin brings his sensibility. I bring my sensibility. My sensibility, as we all know, is short fiction. I don’t know how to do this, take a 1,200 page book and meter it out so that it feels like a story that sweeps you and carries you. Who knows how to do that? I don’t know how to do that.

Justin: I know how to do that.

John: He’s done that before.

Craig: One of you needs to know how to do that.

Rachel: All I knew was that I like a story to feel like it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. I like to be brought to a place that ends in the exact collision between surprise and inevitability.

Craig: I love that. That’s what we’re all looking for, isn’t it?

Rachel: Yes, it is.

Craig: Just to define it clearly, you’re talking about those moments where people are surprised by what happens and then immediately after go, “But of course that’s what happens”?

Rachel: But of course. Those are the two feelings that you aim for. I was like, “Shit, I have to write a screenplay.” I was thinking, “We’ll do that with a screenplay.” I was doing that with short stories. Why don’t we do that every screenplay, try to find the thrust of a narrative that can feel like that feeling at the end of a great short story.

Justin: It starts with the information in the first episode, because I think that we had to make a decision. The first episode, it’s a 1,200 page book. I would say the first episode covers about 400 of those pages.

Craig: You guys did a very good job there.

Justin: My metaphor, I guess is that it’s a pie, or a pizza. If you pull a slice of pizza, you have to be able to say like, “From this slice of pizza, I can tell you what all the other slices probably look like, because there’s pepperonis, and onions on this slice. I assume that they’re going to be on every slice. I can’t tell you where on the pizza they’re going to be, but it’s going to be like that.” I think you need to know in the first episode, this is a show with these characters, and this is the kind of story that’s going to be told where it is close ended in and of itself. It’s going to have, as Rachel says, that first, second, and third act, but it’s also going to bring these people together.

We knew we had to get 400 pages in before we could finally bring Mariko, Blackthorne and Toranaga together, so that became the first flag. Then everything else that followed just became about how do we just cohesively do it. Then, as we’re in the writer’s room and building it and building it, I was just, I guess, nervously eyeing episode 10 and being like, “Yes, we’re going to stick this on exactly episode 10.”

Rachel: Fine.

John: Well, so there’s a pilot written first. You guys wrote together, you wrote a pilot. What was it like writing together for the first time? Because you’re a short story writer, so you’re used to working on your own. You’ve written screenplays, but you’ve also written with room, so you have some experience with that, but you’ve never had to write with each other. What was that like?

Rachel: Have either of you written with your spouses?

John: Oh God, no.

Craig: No.

John: Are you kidding me? No.

Craig: No. Jesus. First of all, neither of our spouses are writers so that’s a good start. We very carefully married not writers.

Rachel: Smart.

Craig: You fucked up.

[laughter]

John: Because you know each other really well, but you probably don’t have a sense of each other’s creative process in terms of how they get to the next word.

Rachel: If this was 2018–

Craig: Look at this, I wish you could all see Justin’s face.

Rachel: Six scenes-

Craig: Just a headache, just a human headache.

Rachel: When he started this process, I had known him for– No. I had not known him. I’d been with him, biblically with him, for 12 years. 12 years. That’s a long time to know somebody.

Justin: It’s more than that though. We’ve been together longer than that.

Rachel: At the time we started.

Craig: Not biblically.

[laughter]

Craig: Let’s break this down. Non-biblically for seven. Biblically for 12, post biblically now.

Justin: About 20 seconds post biblically.

Craig: Continue with this amazing thought.

Rachel: Thank God my parents don’t listen to podcasts.

Craig: You don’t know that.

Rachel: You think you know a person pretty well, and you do. I was reintroduced to Justin as a high functioning screenwriter.

Craig: Sexy, right?

Rachel: It was super annoying.

[laughter]

Craig: Really walked right into that one. Super annoying.

Rachel: As a short fiction writer, you get snack breaks every 20 minutes.

[laughter]

Rachel: You take naps every 45 minutes

Craig: This is why they only pay you $40, you realize that?

[laughter]

Rachel: And Justin was a little more, I would say-

Craig: Rigorous?

Rachel: -rigorous than that.

Craig: Disciplined.

Justin: A machine.

Craig: Just a machine.

Justin: That’s what I got. That’s how I like to think of myself.

Craig: Maybe in a pruriant way, I’m just wondering like, what do you guys do when you disagree about stuff?

[laughter]

Rachel: We only sat in the same room writing together once.

Justin: For the good of the marriage.

Rachel: It was the first day of episode one. I think, “I’m a screenwriter now. I’m going to show up. He shows up and he says, “You do these scenes and I’ll do these scenes.” I say, “Great.” Then snack time rolls around, he’s still working. I’m like, “What? I can’t do this. This is too much.” We never worked in the same room again. Now all these years later, what it looks like is we still divvy out scenes, and I write mine and he writes his. As we discussed earlier in the panel today, I actually hadn’t thought of it, but somehow magically, the scenes come together, and apparently Justin puts them together.

Justin: Me.

[laughter]

Rachel: I didn’t even know that

Justin: I magically put the scenes together.

Craig: Who did you think was doing it?

Rachel: I don’t know. He just sent it to me.

Justin: Magical elves.

Craig: I want to be you so bad.

[laughter]

Rachel: So dumb.

Craig: You just did an entire show and you’re like, “Elves are doing this, I don’t know how.”

Rachel: Truly.

Craig: Amazing.

Rachel: I have a lot of mouths to feed. I’m busy.

Craig: I hear you.

Rachel: He will send me this script and I start to go through it and I’m like, “Hey, some things have changed.”

[laughter]

Rachel: He tries to sneak it in, but I know.

Justin: I don’t sneak anything in. I’m putting it together.

Rachel: You don’t put it in the red marks.

Craig: You don’t asterisk it?

[laughter]

Rachel: Asterisks.

Craig: Oh really? That’s your sneaking? That’s sneaking.

Rachel: That’s super sneaking.

Craig: He’s sneaking.

Justin: Nobody tell her how this works. Please.

[laughter]

Rachel: But I know. I go in and I just change it back and then I send it back to him.

Craig: Do you asterisk that?

Rachel: I don’t know how to do that, but I would. I would. Then I just hear from the other room, “You can’t just change it back to what you want.” I’m like, “That’s what I do.” Anyway, that’s how it works.

[laughter]

Justin: It sounds funny really.

John: Then that’s it. Next thing you know, you have an episode. 18 Emmys later.

Craig: Chaos. Absolute chaos.

Rachel: It is.

John: I want to talk to you about the use of Japanese in the show because you’re saying that you want it to be a show that’s actually from the point of view of these characters. Part of that is there’re speaking their own voices and we’re watching subtitles through a lot of it, but the subtitles we’re seeing are not necessarily what you were originally writing. Can you walk us through the process of getting to the words we’re reading and what a person who speaks Japanese is hearing and how those match up?

Justin: As quickly as possible, the steps go as follows, that we wrote it in English and we sent it to elves to translate it, and as people who had apparently not read Shōgun, we thought that translation is that simple, and that there’s just one right answer to translation and it turns out that that’s not true. That when the actors, when Hiro Sonata, our star and also one of our producers and Eriko Miyagawa another producer, they started reading it. They said, “This is Japanese, and a translation approximately of the lines in English, but it’s not performable.”

It’s not put into that prose, so we hired a Japanese playwright speaks no English, to translate that rough Japanese into something that felt like not just-

Craig: That’s really interesting.

Justin: -performable, but [unintelligible 00:24:20] because she writes in the Shakespearean Japanese that comes from the tradition of [unintelligible 00:24:25]

Craig: Just to be clear, you write in English, it goes through some fairly wooden translation process. Then a playwright takes the wooden stuff and builds it back into something beautiful.

Justin: She’s understanding the gist of it. Then Eriko, Hiro, they’ll look at it and it’s always like sitting at village. They’re looking at the sides for next week that are coming through and just like, “No, it’s not quite right,” because they can read the English too.

Craig: They can read the English and adjust back.

Justin: Get that back, and I’m of course just taking their word for it because that’s what we can do. Then what started to happen, because all this was discovered accidentally. We didn’t know how to do this.

Rachel: I did.

[laughter]

Craig: She did.

John: Rachel, do you speak Japanese? Do you speak Japanese?

Craig: Oh that’s a big no, I can see it coming.

[laughter]

Justin: Say something in Japanese please for everyone here.

Rachel: No.

[laughter]

John: You’re saying the writer’s room was largely Asian American.

Rachel: We’re all Asian American female. Except for him and Matt Lambert.

Justin: One other dude.

John: You’re getting this highly polished version of Japanese so a Japanese person watching this can hear the excellence, but we don’t speak that. How are you making decision about what we’re reading?

Justin: That’s when the real revelation happened, was when watching dailies, what we started to do was to say, “Why don’t we play telephone with it?” Instead of just putting the subtitles on there to this line that we wrote, that’s really an approximation. We had one of our Japanese-speaking assistant editors translate that what she’s watching on screen into words. Then I’m looking at it, I’m like, “That’s not exactly what we wrote, but it’s almost what we wrote,” but you’re not getting that thing where someone’s like screaming really loudly and then on the subtitles it just says, “Yes.”

You actually feel like there’s not that dissonance to it, but those words are just, now someone is just doing us a favor and translating words to the screen. So then that’s when Rachel and I went back into the process and we tried to take everyone off the hook and say like, “We’ll just do this on our own. We just need Eriko who speaks Japanese as well to verify some things for us. We don’t need 10 people on these Zooms because it’s just going to be Rachel and I arguing over syntax and what works best.” But we would do this for every line of every episode of the show over–

And, this was that when the strike was coming and I was like, “You know what? This is writing. What we’re doing right now, this is writing. This is not localizing, this is not just the postproduction thing.” It was like, if we’re going to brag about this someday and say we went through this process, we have to get it all done in a matter of weeks before this strike starts. And that is what we did.

Rachel: For all of you about to get married or thinking about marriage, just know that punctuation matters.

[laughter]

Rachel: It really matters.

Justin: Let me ask you a question.

John: It does.

Rachel: We discovered things about each other.

Justin: Who puts semicolons in dialogue? What sick psychopath?

Rachel: Who doesn’t believe in the em dash? Seriously.

Craig: You both make great cases. Yes. The em dash is great. Do not put semicolons and dialogue. You guys just need to agree with each other more. I think you guys can make it.

Rachel: What about creative tension?

John: Rachel and Justin, I think we had a great session today. I think our time is up right now, but I think let’s come back next week. We can pick up where we left off there.

Rachel: Great.

Craig: Good progress. Really good progress.

John: That was really good progress.

Rachel: I’ll apply it to my daily life during the week. Thank you.

John: That’ll be really nice. Fortunately listeners around the world get to hear this session and grow from it. Rachel and Justin, thank you so much. You’re going to come back for our Q&A at the end. Rachel and Justin.

Craig: Thank you guys. Stick around. Stick around for the rest of the show.

[applause]

John: Craig, probably two weeks ago you and I were over live. We were doing a podcast and we were talking about something and you brought up, “It’s that movie where the hockey player has to learn how to become a figure skater.” You’re like, “Oh, it’s that Matthew Modine movie. What was it called?” I’m like, “It’s not Matthew Modine.”

Craig: It wasn’t Matthew Modine. Thank you.

John: It was The Cutting Edge.

Craig: It was The Cutting Edge. Exactly, and it does not start Matthew Modine.

John: It does not start Matthew Modine. We had to basically stop and Google and ChatGPT and figure out what it is, but because Matthew Chilelli, our editor, is so talented, you cannot hear all the fuckups that happen along the way because we snip all that out. This is a live show, so you’re going to hear all these mistakes. That’s why we needed to have some people here help us out here. So Megana, I think you’ve recruited two folks who are really good at answering these movie things so if we met make a mistake, they can help us out. Who do we have to help us out?

Craig: Also first of all, Megana.

John: It’s Megana Rao, everybody. The legend.

[applause]

John: First we have Paul Horn.

Megana: Paul Horn and Hailey Nash.

John: Paul Horn and Hailey Nash. Come on up here.

Craig: Come on up.

Megana: Can I just apologize again for how hard this game is?

John: How hard?

Megana: Yeah.

John: Hello, I’m John.

Craig: Hi.

Hailey: Hi John. Nice to meet you.

Craig: Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Craig. Hi. I’m Craig. We do a podcast about things that are interesting to screenwriters.

John: Just pretend we’re doing a normal podcast and we’re going to mess up at a certain point. We’re going to come to you for advice. Craig, I thought we might make this interesting by each of us pick one person who we think is going to be better at this. We need to interview you guys a little bit.

Craig: I literally don’t know the basis of the game. I need some more detail before I make my choice.

John: Let’s talk through this. Paul, what’s your favorite movie of all time?

Paul: Star Trek 2: Wrath of Khan.

John: It’s an incredible movie. How about your movie trivia Knowledge? Do you play on any trivia teams? Have you won any trivia competitions?

Paul: I did do trivia with just some buddies in a bar trivia for a while. It wasn’t movie. It was just generic trivia.

Craig: Just regular generic trivia?

Paul: Right.

Craig: I like the way you said buddies. It sounded smart.

John: It sounds smart.

Craig: His buddies are probably smart.

John: I’ve already lost your name. I’m so sorry.

Paul: They were.

Craig: They were?

Paul: Yes.

Craig: What happened to them?

Hailey: Hailey.

John: Hailey?

Hailey: Hailey, yes. Like Bailey Or Kayleigh but with an H.

Craig: Hailey.

John: Hailey?

Craig: Hailey.

John: Hailey, talk to us about your experience with movie trivia. Do people come to you and say, “Hailey will know the answer to this?”

Hailey: I do a lot of movie trivia, yes. At Bronxton Brewery in Westwood, I used to go a lot. I know a little. I know a wee bit.

Craig: She was underselling. Could you hear that?

John: I could hear that. Craig I’m going to give you the pick. Imagine this is Hollywood Squares, and you have to partner up with somebody or Password. Who is going to be your person? Which of these two do you want as your ringer?

Craig: Recency bias. The last answer was from Hailey. I’ll pick Hailey.

John: You’re with Hailey. I got you, Paul. We’re going to figure this out. Let’s talk through some movies here. The game we’re going to play tonight was the movie that we couldn’t think of and it was, do you remember who it was?

Craig: I can read it off of this. It was D.B. Sweeney.

John: It was D.B. Sweeney. As we did some more research, D.B. Sweeney is still a very active actor to this day. He’s in a bunch of different movies and so I thought we might play a little game, and you guys can help us out, called IMDB Sweeney Todd.

[laughter]

John: Here’s how it’s going to work. We are going to describe a movie. We’re going to describe a role in that movie, and we need your help to tell us, wait, was that D.B. Sweeney or was it some other actor named Todd? You’re going to need to help us out here. You get bonus points if it is a Todd, if you can tell us which Todd was the actor we’re thinking of.

Craig: Who’s going to keep track of the points?

John: Drew is going to keep track of points.

Craig: Drew, get that pad ready.

John: He’s got a pen.

Craig: This is big time.

Paul: Just to be clear, this is not what we were told to be prepared for.

[laughter]

Paul: I was told the ‘80s trivia, not Todd trivia.

Craig: Have you been studying furiously for weeks?

Paul: No, I was back there trying to think of an ‘80s movie like trying to remember. Like, Please say Ice Pirates. I want Ice Pirates movies.

Craig: Listen, I don’t know what’s going on with this show either. I got to be honest with you. It never works out the way I think.

Hailey: Wait, you’re not a Todd expert?

Paul: No, I’m not a Todd expert.

Hailey: Dang. Not many Todd experts here.

Paul: Steve, I’m on Steve.

Hailey: You’re a Steve expert? Cool.

John: Here we go. We’ll start. Craig, do you remember that movie it was, Scent of a Woman and wasn’t the main guy. The guy who played Trent Potter. Do you remember what Scent of a Woman was like?

Craig: Of course.

John: It was good but who was in that movie? Can you tell us who that was in that movie?

Paul: Todd.

John: Which Todd?

Paul: The Todd that was in the movie.

John: You are correct. One point for us.

Craig: That was a coin flip.

John: It was a coin flip.

Craig: That was a full coin flip.

John: It was a full coin flip.

Craig: He was like, “50% of the time, it’s going to be Todd. I don’t need to say who the answer is.” Hailey, you see what’s happening here, right?

Hailey: I see what’s occurring, yes.

Craig: Here’s another one. This was a movie called Fire in the Sky. Do you remember what this movie is about? What with the light?

John: That was a UFO movie.

Craig: A logger mysteriously disappears for five days in an alleged encounter with a flying saucer in 1975. There was this character, Travis Walton.

John: I think that’s the main person in it.

Craig: He was?

John: I think he was, actually.

Craig: I wonder who that was.

John: Was it D. B. Sweeney or was it Todd?

Paul: I saw the movie.

John: It’s her. It’s her answer.

Hailey: I, unfortunately, have not seen this one.

John: You’re going to have to guess. Do you feel it’s a D.B. Sweeney energy, or do you feel it’s a random Todd energy?

Hailey: D. B. Sweeney

Craig: That’s right.

John: That’s correct.

[applause]

Craig: They’re fucking with me now, right?

John: They are, yes.

Craig: They’re just doing this for me.

John: This is literally gaslighting.

Craig: This is gaslighting.

John: No, Craig, it’s all fine. All right.

Craig: “The lights aren’t changing at all Craig.”

John: I was watching this movie last night on cable, The Resurrection of Gavin Stone, and the Pastor Allan Richardson.

Craig: Great role. Pastor Allan Richardson.

John: It’s about a washed-up former child star. God, who was in that movie? Was it D.B. Sweeney or a Todd?

Paul: I’ll go with D.B. Sweeney.

John: It was D.B. Sweeney. Nicely done.

[applause]

Craig: Megana was concerned that this game would be too hard. They can’t get anything wrong.

[laughter]

John: We’ll see. There’s still a chance.

Craig: No one has gotten an extra Todd point. D.B. Sweeney has been eating up a lot of these. Let’s see how this one goes. Everyone knows Twister.

John: Everyone knows Twister.

Craig: Everybody knows Twister. Two storm chasers on the brink of divorce doing stuff with storms. Everyone remembers the character of Tim “Beltzer” Lewis.

John: I’m not sure I remember who that was in the movie, though.

Craig: Me neither. Who played Tim Beltzer Lewis? Was it D.B. Sweeney or a random Todd?

Hailey: Todd Phillips.

Craig: Did you say Todd Phillips?

Hailey: Yes.

Craig: The director?

Hailey: Yes, wasn’t he? Wait. It’s Todd, Oh, my God.

John: Are you on the right track?

Hailey: Who did Tar, I’m trying to remember.

Craig: Yes, that’s exactly right.

Hailey: It’s Todd Field. That’s it. Thank you.

Craig: Once she said Tar, I think that was legal to-

John: Yes, 100%. That was really good.

Craig: Good job.

John: This one, this was, it was heartwarming. It was Hope for the Holidays. It was literally titled Hope for the Holidays and the guy who played Dr. Ward, I thought he was charming. He didn’t have a big role but he was good in it, but was that D.B. Sweeney or was it a Todd? Can you help us out?

Paul: Todd?

Craig: No one can get anything wrong.

John: Which was Todd, though?

Craig: Which was Todd, though?

Paul: Todd III.

John: No. It was Todd Bridges from Different Strokes. Still an actor.

Craig: What were the odds that Todd III was going to be correct?

[laughter]

Paul: Low.

Craig: Let’s try this one. Hailey, you’re on a roll. I think you got this. The Manson Brothers’ Midnight Zombie Massacre. Everyone remembers this one about two fighting brothers signing up for a new game, but then apparently there are zombies involved.

John: A big quarterback. The role is a quarterback.

Craig: Quickbuck.

Matt Selman: It’s 2-2 Craig!

Craig: You shut your goddamn mouth Matt Selman, showrunner of The Simpsons.

[laughter]

Craig: What inning?

Matt Selman: Top of the ninth.

Craig: Top of the ninth?

Matt Selman: Yes.

Craig: They scored in the bottom of the eighth. Well you just derailed this podcast, Mister.

[laughter]

Craig: I’m very depressed. Someone named a character Vic Quickbuck.

John: Wonder what he’s about.

Craig: Was that D. B. Sweeney or was it a random Todd?

Hailey: D. B. Sweeney?

Craig: No one can get anything wrong, Megana. They are 100% correct.

John: We’ll shoehorn it so we’re balancing out here.

Craig: It’s amazing.

John: It’s amazing. I thought the first movie of Atlas Shrugged was eh, but Atlas Shrugged II that’s where it really-

Craig: You mean Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike?

John: The Strike That was incredible.

Craig: Crushed it.

John: The rail runners, the Danny Taggert, all that action of excitement that Ayn Rand goodness.

Craig: All that hot sex.

John: It was so good. Wait, was the guy in that D.B. Sweeney or some Todd?

Paul: D.B. Sweeney.

Craig: No one can get anything wrong.

[laughter]

Craig: Somebody has to get something wrong.

Hailey: I’m up next.

Craig: This is madness.

John: Our last and final one.

Craig: Last and final one.

John: Oh my God, Marmaduke.

[laughter]

John: So good. Who does not like a big dog? Not a Clifford, too big of a dog. Just a big dog.

Craig: Just a solidly big dog with a tendency to wreak havoc in his own oblivious way.

John: Yes.

Craig: I mean, the role of Shasta.

John: Come on, incredible. I mean, that was a game-changer, really.

Craig: Was this D. B. Sweeney or a random Todd?

Hailey: A random Todd.

Craig: Megana. For an extra point, which random Todd?

Hailey: I would say Todd III, but he already said that. I don’t know.

Craig: No guess?

Hailey: No.

Craig: It was Todd Glass.

John: Here’s the thing. Matthew cuts out the stuff when we mess up, but he may cut out this whole segment. We want to thank the two of you for being incredibly good sports.

[applause]

John: Thank you so much.

Craig: Great job.

John: Craig I’m not sure who won.

Craig: I’m sure that we won. I won. Hailey won, because of Todd Field. Really what I think we all won was a view of two psychics because you can guess a flipped coin right once, twice, three times. That was like 12 times in a row. Something’s going on with those two.

John: It was magic.

Craig: Possibly connected to the lights. Let’s continue.

[laughter]

John: Let’s bring it back to more familiar territory where we talk to smart writers about the things that they do.

Craig: The smart test.

John: Do you want to introduce our guests?

Craig: Yes. We have two guests, and the first one is Susan Soon He Stanton, not related to John Carlos Stanton, who had a home run tonight but, oh well, she’s not perfect. She is a writer and producer known for her work on Modern Love, Dead Ringers, and some piece of shit called Succession that kept beating me all the time. She won two Emmys that I didn’t win for Outstanding Drama Series.

John: Megan Amram is a writer and producer on all your favorite funny shows, including Parks and Recreation, The Good Place, The Simpsons. She’s co-creator of the Pitch Perfect: Bumper in Berlin. She has zero Emmys.

Craig: No Emmys.

John: She’s the writer and director of and star of An Emmy for Megan. Welcome, Megan and Susan.

[applause]

Craig: Folks who listen to the show know that Megan is my cousin. We’re cousins.

John: They’re actually cousins.

Craig: She is my nepo baby.

Megan: This is my nepo uncle. I got him where he is right now.

John: It is fantastic to have you guys here. As we were backstage chatting through stuff, we were talking a little bit about the difference between writing and being on set, dealing with something that was in production. You guys had such different experiences. I was wondering if we could compare and contrast the two of them. Megan, can you tell us about going off and doing about Bumper In Berlin and your role as a writer on set, and how much support you have?

Megan: This is a great tee-up. How do I tactfully answer this question? I co-created a show that was on Peacock that was a spinoff of the Pitch Perfect movies. It was called Bumper in Berlin, starred Adam DeVine, and it shot in Berlin. For those of you who listen to this show, you’ve heard a lot of different stories of how shows get made and I feel like there’s two camps of them. Either they are developed for years and years and people really dig so deep into the text like we were hearing about Shōgun, or they are told they have to happen in a matter of six weeks and you’re going to fly to Berlin by yourself. That was mine.

Just due to Adam DeVine is on a very funny show called The Righteous Gemstones and due to filming windows, which I’m sure is the most riveting thing we could talk about, we had this period of time we could get him. We knew it was going to be in Germany due to some creative things, but mostly tax breaks. I, as the showrunner, was given those, I would say mad libs of dates filming and characters, and location. We very, very quickly, my amazing writer’s room that I didn’t have for enough time, which is partially why we went on strike, put together a show and I went to Germany by myself, and was the writer-producer there.

John: Good Lord. Now let’s compare and contrast. Susan. Well, talk to us about the-

Craig: Susan, your life has been great.

John: Isn’t it great?

Susan: I don’t mean to compare.

Craig: Not this horror show.

John: I want to show the range of what it takes to make a series. On your show, your writer’s room for Succession was in London, and then writers went to set. Talk to us about what the process was of going from we’re writing a show to making the show.

Susan: Our writer’s room was in London. It was a combination of Brits and Americans and it almost felt like baseball, like home-court advantage. Then when we were shooting, then all the Americans were like, “Now you’re on our turf again.” That was really fun. I’ve been a part of a bunch of other shows, and I’ve never seen so many writers on set. It was something that I felt like was just part of the ethos that Jesse Armstrong had.

We had a lot of coverage and it was such a luxury. I’ve just never seen anything like it. There would be the writer of the episode or writers that would be watching the show and you’d have maybe one person would be in pre-production and doing location scouts and talking to different designers.
Then there’d be the writers while we were shooting. Maybe a couple of writers would be just re-braking some story later. There would always be almost two to four, sometimes more people just keeping their eye on things. We’d be writing alts every single day, alternative lines, which is more of a comedy structure, but there were a lot of roots in the show in comedy and we would have different exchanges and just keep an eye on things. We would read each other’s scripts. I just think everyone was trying to make the whole as good as possible. The brilliant Frank Reich would also be on set and would be lending his eye and his resources.

It just felt like we just had so many people working and if something wasn’t feeling right in the moment or the timing–

Megan: I’m going to start crying. I’m sorry. This is beautiful.

Susan: I’ve never had that since.

Megan: I love it. At least more people watch my show than Succession, so that’s good.

Susan: Everything else is going to be worse-

Megan: That’s amazing.

Susan: -which is the torture of it.

Craig: It does sound pretty great. It is Jesse Armstrong who’s the showrunner of Succession. He’s a lovely man. Well, unless you tell us otherwise. He seems lovely to me. This would be a weird place to suddenly destroy him.

Susan: No, I’m not going to just be like, “Do you want me to tell you?” He’s wonderful. He’s changed my life.

Craig: He’s just a lovely, sweet, humble guy. I’m interested in how, in particular, because you were a playwright sitting in a room, the room is just you when you’re a playwright, I think, because I’ve never written a play. Then actors look at the play as the text and they do the text. Television doesn’t generally work like that. I’m curious how you, from a writerly point of view, went from alone, “Mine, all mine,” to room sharing with somebody that in theory could say, “I’ve decided no,” or, “I want it to change.”

Susan: I think it’s probably more similar than maybe if you were coming as obviously a novelist or as a screenwriter. Obviously there’s a point where we all write alone, we’re all alone for a bit, and then there’s the collaborative fun bit. I think for playwrights, we sit in rehearsal for a long time. Maybe we’re the only writer in the room, but we’re there with actors and a director. That was actually a big bonus on set was I realized, “I’m comfortable talking with a director,” because when you’re a screenwriter maybe it’s all just at this really heightened level.

But when you’re in rehearsal, you just have that time where you’re used to having all of these even design conversations. The stakes, the size of it is much smaller to talk to a set designer for a play than on set. I was just terrified. It was my first show was being on Succession, so I was crazy and I was just constantly terrified. Then it was this nice surprise where I’m like, “Actually these skills are transferable,” which I didn’t think they would be. Then I was in a lot of different playwriting writers groups and that also felt like a writer’s room where instead of supporting each other, giving feedback, it’s like, “We’re all working on the same kind of project.” And I’ve done some devised things.

I thought I was going to feel incredibly different and I came in absolutely terrified and I called up some friends and asked for advice. I was like, “When can we go to the bathroom? Should I raise my hand? How much do I have to talk?”

Craig: Always raise your to go to the bathroom.

Susan: Like, “When can I eat the snacks?” Honestly, it was like, “Is it okay to order this much lunch?” I just felt constantly scared. It wasn’t a learning process but it was less foreign than I thought just getting into it.

John: Well, I think I’m hearing is there’s a sense of an imposter syndrome. “I don’t belong in this space. I’m going to mess up. They’re going to recognize that I was in the wrong place.” I think we’ve all felt that. I definitely remember going into like–

Megan: Mine is real though. Everyone else has imposter-

John: We’re going to figure that out.

Craig: She is literally an imposter.

John: I remember showing up to the first day of shooting on Go and I parked my car. I’m driving up and like, “Man, there’s a lot of trucks around here. What are all these trucks here for? Oh, shit. They’re here for my movie. I was like, “Am I allowed to eat this craft service?” Suddenly you’re onset and you’re worried you’re going to spill your Coke, you’re going to do something and be found out, and then three days later you’re directing the second unit because you’re three days behind.

It’s a very quick learning curve. I’m sure it was, for both of you, the first times you’re onset seeing the thing and realizing, “I actually have the answer here. I know how to get this thing worked out.”

Megan, I see you nodding. Obviously, Bumper in Berlin was an extreme case, but you had more positive experiences working on shows.

Megan: Very much so.

John: Something like The Good Place, that is a collaborative place and we’re watching things in front of you.

Megan: Absolutely. Yes. Well, I have to share one more story from Bumper in Berlin about, because now this is a great place to work through therapy. There was a day on set. As I said, I was the only writer and producer and then our script supervisor got COVID and we didn’t have a backup script supervisor, so people kept asking me about eye line. This is the person on set, very important job. About continuity and getting lines right, but getting angles of the the shots right and everything. I was like, “I don’t know. Just look wherever you want.”

[laughter]

Megan: It was a very funny out-of-body experience. To answer the more positive supported experience, which sound a lot more like Succession. I got to work on Parks and Rec and The Good Place for showrunner Mike Schur, who is also an incredible both writer and producer and then person and I think mentor to people who’ve never done this before. I am so truly grateful that I had a decade of experience of being on set where not only are you learning from other writers who have more experience, but the cast has a ton of experience, the crew all has experience, but it’s really intimidating.

There’s two types of people I guess. There’s people who are extremely intimidated and have imposter syndrome and then there’s people who waltz onto set thinking they know everything. I’m like, “That’s not good.”

Craig: Those are sociopaths.

Megan: It’s tough to find the middle ground.

Craig: You guys, in a way, both work in comedy. Succession was an hour long, but this 30 minutes versus one-hour thing, it doesn’t really make sense. The Good Place is a 30-minute “sitcom.” It’s also one of the most dramatic shows depending on the episode of the moment and vice versa for Succession.

I’m curious how in those rooms, and as you go forward, how you both think about comedy in today’s day and age, where we do have to figure out how to balance being transgressive and pushing stuff with also just not being tone-deaf, or falling somewhere into not funny town because you went too far. How do you guys approach that as you go through your comedy aspects of what you write?

Megan: Speaking for the rooms that I’ve run, part of it is having rooms that are representative of a lot of different types of people. That is under all metrics of identity, where they’re from, what they think is funny. I think that does, then if those people feel free to both be transgressive in a safe space, and then also respectfully push back on other people, I think that is an amazing, super fun mix of people. Any comedian who’s like, “You can’t say anything anymore because the world–“ I’m like, “I don’t know, you’re not hanging out with the right people.”

Because if you’re hanging out with good-hearted, empathetic people, they are transgressive in a respectful, safe way. Then how it comes out in television because I was obsessed with Succession. I think that was a show that did it in a really amazing way where it was edgy, but it also was extremely based in character, which is, to me, you forget that something is edgy or transgressive if you can see exactly why that character is saying that thing.

Craig: Did you ever feel on Succession like, “Oh, are we going a little too far here?” I remember pretty early on Kieran Culkin jerking off against the window of his office, and I was like, “Okay, HBO, here we go.”

Susan: Sometimes I think we got a little baroque in our sensibilities. We’re like, “Where is the line?” And we already crossed it. I think we were also playing with different, I mean, satire and humor. I think to the earlier debate, it’s like The Bear was a big debate. Is it length or in terms of what’s comedy or what’s drama? I think that there is a creepy metaphor of how do you get people to follow you down the path into darker themes, like giving somebody a piece of candy and luring them further into the woods. I don’t know.

I like the imagery. Terrible metaphor. You know this, but how do you get someone to join you on a dark journey is to have the comedy. It was interesting because a lot of the writers in the room just were incredible comics, and had just very funny bones. We were playing with that. I’ve never thought of myself. I think I write comedy and drama sandwiched together, but I’ve never submitted for comedy.

I remember even with writing, hearing, oh, if you submit a script early emerging days, they count how many jokes are per page, or people were just learning writing these joke packets. I was like, “Oh, no, that’s a different kind of writer. That’s not me. I have to do the drama.” Then, dramas that are just so, everyone’s so tense and serious. That’s not what life is. I feel like it has to have both the white and the black keys in terms of what makes something really enjoyable.

Megan: Do they count how many frowns per page in a drama spec?

John: Megan, you’re actually in a place now where you get to read other writers and put together a room, and you’re figuring out how many jokes per page in a script that you like.

Megan: There’s a magic number, but I don’t tell anyone until they submit it. No.

John: Talk to us about what it’s like to be on the other side now, not to be staffing, but to be putting together a staff. What are you looking for on a page that says, “Oh, this, I get this. I get what they’re doing,” or, “I just don’t want to meet this person?”

Megan: When I staffed my room, I took it very, very seriously. I ended up hiring some people I’d worked with on these amazing shows. I’d ended up hiring people I hadn’t worked with, but who I had admired for a long time. I also wanted to make sure that I really did my due diligence for those new spots. I was saying this morning I actually hired people with a few different types of samples. I didn’t want to just go a super traditional route, have agents send me scripts, though that was one of the ways that looked at people.

I also had been submitted a one-act play as a sample. I hired a staff writer who was a comic who I thought was very funny, and specifically that she was very funny at joke writing. But the show that I was making, it was very silly. I already had a tone in my head, even though the pilot didn’t exist because we only had six weeks to write the show. I knew what type of show it was going to be. It was going to be sweet and full of heart, but extremely joke-heavy and quick in that rhythm. When I read things, there’s different types of comedy.

There’s more situational or romantic or whatever. I was like, “I just want the people who are writing insane jokes. If they’re lower-level writers, but they’re amazing joke writers, they’ll figure out the story stuff as we work through it.”

John: Susan, have you had a chance to put together a writing staff yourself yet?

Susan: No.

John: Work back just for like, what were the samples that got you in those rooms though? What were they reading? You’re going in for these things, and then what are they reading, and what’s getting them excited reading?

Susan: I feel like, Megan, as you were saying, I think it’s really important to have a– I’ve been a part of a bunch of different rooms and understand the thinking behind it from different showrunners. Yes, I think you want to have people that have outside of your own experience, you want to broaden the perspective of what the room is. You don’t only want to have your friends, you don’t only want to have people that have the same lived experience.

You need to have a shared understanding and passion for what it is. Maybe you have somebody who’s really great at plot, someone who’s very character-focused. I think to the imposter syndrome, I came in really terrified because I’m not as just hilarious as some of the writers. Then it’s like, okay, well, we can all come in with our strength. We’re like an orchestra, and we can all be good at our own thing and just trust the showrunner who brings us all together, and we can all really work together and make the whole just stronger for it.

John: A metaphor you’re reaching for there, and it feels like a conductor almost. Basically, you’ve assembled all these instruments, how do you get them to play together and work? If it’s working great, you have Succession. If it’s bad, we’ve seen the stories of those terrible rooms that go terribly awry.

Susan: I think it’s scary because you do want to take a chance on new voices. People you don’t see. You don’t only want to bring in the knowns, but I don’t know. I feel like there are some really terrifying horror stories that we’ve all heard about where somebody’s written the page or who knows what. It’s amazing when you have that alchemy. And I think that happens most of the time, I feel like in terms of the rooms I’ve been in. It feels like the experiment works, and it’s really exciting.

John: Let us do our One Cool Things. Let’s bring back up, Rachel and Justin, come on back up here.

Craig: All right.

[applause]

Craig: Matt Selman, showrunner of The Simpsons. What is the score currently of the–

Megan: I was going to ask. Oh my God.

Craig: Still two to two in the– oh, I don’t like extra innings away. Matt Selman, you’ve disappointed me once again.

John: Traditionally, at the end of an episode, we do one cool thing. It’s something we want to recommend to our audience. My one cool thing this week is an episode of a podcast called Decoder Ring. This week’s episode of Decoder Ring, they talk through the movie, Charlie’s Angels. Specifically, a giant glaring mistake in the movie, Charlie’s Angels, which I wrote.

Here’s basically what happens: In the third act, Bosley is kidnapped, and the angels figure out where he is because this bird lands on the window, and they recognize the song of the bird there. That’s a really clever idea that I apparently came up with. The bird you see in the movie is not the bird, the name that they say. They say it’s the pygmy nuthatch, but that’s not a pygmy nuthatch, and the song is wrong. For 15 years, burgers across America and around the world are like, “How could fuck this up so badly?” I’m one of the answers. But the podcast actually goes through and actually figures out how it happened, and why it happened.

Craig: Do you like this?

John: I like this.

Craig: It was just a podcast dedicated to how wrong you were, and you’re like, “This is awesome. I want more of this.”

John: Also, it ends up being a good exploration of why movies are not reality, and why the choices we made and why it’s not a pygmy nuthatch are for good reasons. Why do you think it’s a pygmy nuthatch? Why do you think we picked the word pygmy nuthatch as you said?

Craig: Because it’s funny.

John: It’s because it’s funny. That’s one of the answers, but the answer is also to go back to the US Migratory Bird Act, is why it could not have been a pygmy nuthatch in the movie.

Craig: Less funny.

John: Less funny. Craig, one cool thing for you?

Craig: I have a one not-cool thing.

John: Oh, no, I’m sorry. You’re bringing down the mood.

Craig: Yes. My one not-cool thing is Ted Cruz.

John: Your former roommate.

Craig: We are in Texas, and I know a lot of you are from out of town, but I assume a bunch of you are from Texas. I don’t care if you’re a Republican or a Democrat. I really don’t. Republicans all hate Ted Cruz too. Everyone hates Ted Cruz. Donald Trump hates Ted Cruz. Mitch McDonald hates Ted Cruz. We all can hate Ted Cruz together because he’s awful. Do you know he wrote about me in his book?

John: That’s amazing. Congratulations.

Craig: Yes, he said his freshman year roommate was an angry man, an angry young man. I’m like, “Do you know why I was angry?”

John: Where’s the lie?

Craig: “Stuck in a fucking room with Ted Cruz.” So do us all a favor, Texans, you can vote for the guy that isn’t Ted Cruz, I’m trying to be nonpolitical, or you could just skip that one. But you got a chance. You actually have a chance to get rid of Ted Cruz, and when you have a chance to get rid of Ted Cruz, always take it. Always.

[cheers]
[applause]

John: Justin Marks, do you have a one cool thing to share?

Justin Marks: One cool thing. I hope this hasn’t been shared before. My confession, which should come as no surprise because I think a lot of us have this problem is I am an addict. I am a cell phone addict. I have for many years tried to find different ways to cut down on cell phone use while also recognizing, this is the thing that drives me crazy, is all these light phones and different things, you can’t function in society with most of these smaller, simpler phones. You need certain things like a map in the smartphone, or the ability to get the amber alerts, or different things that are-

Craig: Oh, yes.

Justin: -very, very supportive.

Craig: So we all spring into action.

Justin: There is this device that I came across on a Kickstarter called The Brick, which is this brick, it’s a little plastic brick and it has a magnet, and you can stick it on your fridge, or in a desk drawer or whatever. When you tap your phone to it, based on settings that you decide, you can turn off any app that you want to, and it’ll just shut them down, you can’t get email, you can’t get whatever, and then you can walk around with your phone. I can always have it on. I can always receive texts if something goes wrong, and then if I leave the house, you leave The Brick at home, which means there’s no way to unlock that phone unless you can– it’s actually pretty clever. They give you unlocks where you can pay them like $10 or something like that.

Craig: Oh my God. This company is going to be the biggest company on Earth in a month, wow.

Justin: It’s a nice, I don’t know, it works, I guess.

Craig: You’re doing a little bit better is what I’m hearing.

Justin: I’m doing a little better-

Craig: What else do we have?

Justin: -on that account.

John: That’s therapy. That’s why [inaudible 01:02:08]. Megan, do you have a one cool thing to share?

Megan: I have one and a half. The first one is that as of right now, the Dodgers have hopefully not lost the game, which is great.

Craig: Matt Selman? Yes!

Megan: Oh, why did I say it? Okay.

Craig: Yes. Matt Selman, yes.

Megan: You know what? It’s his podcast. I’ll let him have it.

[laugh]

Craig: Go on, Dodger fan, Megan Amram.

Megan: Okay, great. I don’t know if this will give you all as much joy as it has given me, it’s given me a lot of joy. I discovered a new subreddit recently, which is called TV Too High. It goes along with another one called TV Too Low. I am like, every comedy writer have a black heart where it’s so hard for me to laugh at anything. I’m so dark all the time. And this is just a subreddit of people posting mostly their parents’ living rooms where their TVs are mounted too high.

I’m also obsessed with movies and TV setups, and watching them correctly at eye level, and it’s just like they’ll be up here, and it’ll just be the caption will be like, “Is that too high?” And TV Too Low is pretty funny too, but for some reason a TV in the corner of the room-

Craig: Oh my God!

Megan: -just really gets me. Recently, my mom is redoing our living room and my childhood home, and she was like, “Here’s where I think it’s all going to go.” I narrowly averted a TV Too High in my own life.

Craig: Oh, nice.

Megan: I so excitedly texted my friends being like, “Wait, I almost had a TV Too High in my real life.” I highly recommend it.

Craig: That’s fantastic. TV Too High.

John: Susan, do you have a one cool thing for us?

Susan: Yes. I just discovered right before that, Rachel and I are both women from Hawaii, Rachel’s from Maui, and I’m from Oahu, which is a pretty rare and special thing. I wanted to do one more shout-out for a Hawaii woman, Bliss Lau. She’s an incredible jewelry designer, and she does sustainable pieces. I just really love her design. She does stuff inspired by her Popo, and like with Jade. She also just designs inspired by the Brooklyn Bridge, and I don’t know, I just really wanted to throw that out there. She has a mention in Kevin Kwan’s latest book. Anyways, small sustainable designers and just Hawaii excellence.

Craig: Love it.

John: Rachel, bring us home with a one cool thing.

Rachel: I thought we had to do one cool thing about things we read.

John: Oh, whatever you love. If you read something you love, share it.

Rachel: Oh, okay. It’s a one cool challenge in the sense where I’m sure a lot of people do this, but I really hadn’t done this before. Recently we went to a part of Maui that’s very remote, and the place we were staying at had a library, and I was like, “You know what? I’m just going to go. I’m just going to go choose a book off the shelf.” They only had, I don’t know, Nicholas Sparks and a bunch of other stuff. Nothing wrong with Nicholas Sparks, but I chose a non-Nicholas Sparks book. That book happened to be, it was called A Dream of Islands. I just chose it off a shelf, and I thought, “Ah, this is going to be like–“ it was like a dime store-type novel. It ended up being riveting. I just drank it in like a Vodka Tonic, or Margarita.
I was like, “Oh, give it to me.” It’s a book all about 18th-century travelers who were in search of these strange islands in the South Pacific. It would be as if one of us said, “I think I want to go into space, and I think I want to just float there somehow, and I don’t know how I’ll breathe, I’ll just figure it out. I’ll meet some aliens, and we’ll maybe love each other, or we’ll kill each other. We don’t know.” That’s what they did in the 18th century. They’re so psycho. These are five men, of course, they’re all, sorry. Can I say White men?

Craig: You can say White men.

Rachel: They’re all White men-

Craig: Yeah.

Rachel: -who are like, “I shall be intrepid.”

Craig: That does sound like White men.

Rachel: Yes. And they’re psycho, what they ended up trying to do.

Craig: Those White men.

Rachel: Anyways, the challenge is to–

Craig: This is going to be on TV when? That’s what I mean. Nobody steal it.

John: All right. A Dream of Islands?

Rachel: A Dream of Violence by an Australian writer named Gavan Daws. The challenge is to just pick something random up.

John: Yes.

Craig: Yes, love that.

John: Pick a random book. I love going to see a movie, I have no idea what it is. Like the film festivals, you’re just like, “I have to know what this movie is.” Yes. Enjoy it.

Rachel: I don’t know who these people are.

John: Yes, but that’s the most fun. That is our show for this week.

[applause]

John: We have, as we get into some thank yous. Craig, we have an announcement.

Craig: Oh, we have an announcement. We have a live show in Los Angeles on December 6th-

John: You’re the first to hear of this

Craig: -with some incredible guests. Em dash. Tickets will be on sale soon. If you are a premium member, you’ll get advance notice when they go on sale.

John: That’s right. Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt with special help this week from Megana Rao and Chris Csont, thank you. It is cut and composed by Matthew Chilelli.

Craig: Yes.

John: You’ll find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at @johnaugust.com. This episode will go up on Tuesday. If you could look at the show notes, you’ll find the transcripts for this. We put up transcripts for every single of our 600 episodes.

Craig: Jeez!

John: If you can read through those.

Craig: Jeez!

John: We have t-shirts, hoodies, and stuff, you’ll find at Cotton Bureau. You get all the back episodes at scripnotes.net. Thank you to our incredible guest, Rachel Kondo.

Craig: Thank you, guys.

John: Justin Marks-

Craig: Amazing.

John: Megan Amram, Susan.

Craig: Amazing.

John: Thank you Austin Film Festival and all of you. Thank you.

[cheers]

[Bonus Segment]

John: All right. It has come time in our show for Q&A. This is where Craig has to give an explanation-

Craig: Yes.

John: -of what questions and answers are about.

Craig: Yes. The answers are the things that we give you. A question.

John: What is a question, Craig?

Craig: It’s an interrogative statement that has a potential answer, and it’s not a speech.

John: No.

Craig: It’s usually not very long. It’s short, and it ends with a question mark, and it’s answerable. If you feel yourself like an airplane circling the airport, just stop and go, “Anyway, that.”

John: Yes.

Craig: And we’ll answer it.

John: Fantastic. If you have a question you’d like to ask us, you’re going to come up to the room here, and Drew has the microphone. You’re going to approach Drew and ask your question here at the front of the microphone with Drew. You can start moving now if you’d like to come up and ask a question.

Craig: Okay.

John: We have no questions. I’m so excited.

Craig: Awesome.

John: We’ve broken it, we’ve broken this down.

Craig: There’s a Dodgers fan standing back there.

John: I see a gentleman coming up here. Usually, it would be in the center of the aisle. Sorry. You’re very brave. Thank you for coming up here.

Audience 1: How does it feel you’ll have only one question?

John: Oh, how does it feel that we’ll have only one question?

Craig: Well, now it feels like shit. Good question. Solid.

John: Solid question. All right.

Craig: I honestly feel like we were just attacked by a ninja.

John: It really was.

Craig: That’s what it feels like.

John: It was so-

Craig: You just looked down and there’s-

John: -good.

Craig: -blood and you’re like, “How did that even happen?”

John: It’s so good. Actually, if you want to stay on there, you can probably just shout your question. We can hear you. What’s your question? All right, so the question is, for the rest of the audience, so you can all hear it. If you are a person who’s not a US citizen, but you want to get attention in the US film and television industry, how can you go about doing that? We’ve had a lot of folks on Scriptnotes who’ve emerged from outside of the US and have made it work, but it can be challenging. A US manager can sign you, a US agent can sign you, and they can put you to workplaces.

When they put you to workplaces, they do all the magic behind the scene stuff that gets you the visa that you need to work here. I would say coming to a festival like this is a chance to meet some of those people, but also I would say look for who is doing the stuff that you’re doing in your home country. Canada, where are you from?

Audience 2: I’m from Canada.

John: Canada. Obviously, you are willing to live in Los Angeles. If you’re a Canadian living in Los Angeles, you’re working in the industry like everybody else, they just hire you a little bit differently. That’s not the issue. What’s more of a challenge is when you have writers who are in small countries without their own film industry, who then have to reach out and find stuff. That’s where you end up going to international festivals. Just finding some other way to get attention and get people noticing you. Any other thoughts from up here on the panel?

Craig: Canada’s got a pretty good entertainment business. Nothing wrong with starting there, but Canadians have been working successfully in the United States-

John: Ryan Reynolds

Craig: -forever. Most of the funniest people in the world, SCTV and all those folks, Canada and the US share. I wouldn’t worry about it. Just write some good stuff. You’ll be fine.

John: Thank you very much. Hello. What is your question for us?

Audience 3: I have a question primarily for everyone.

[laughter]

Craig: That’s all what-

John: That’s awesome.

Craig: -primarily means. Yes?

Audience 3: Is there a difference between creating a show from the ground up and creating a show that is based on an existing property? Whether it’s a literary annotation like Shogun or The Last of Us?

John: Justin, I’m wondering from your service, because Counterpart’s not based on anything, was it?

Justin: No.

John: Compare those two situations.

Justin: I could do you one better and compare the first season of Shogun to the second where we have no book.

Craig: How are you going to do that?

Justin: The digging motion is the same, but instead of digging through, I don’t know, sand or something, we’re just digging through really, really hard clay. Which is to say it feels really good, it just takes 10 times as long to get to something. I think that what I’ve noticed, especially, and it’s the exact same writer’s room that we have in both seasons, but the process works. The process is the same and keeps us through it.

We just have to spend a lot more time at the beginning deciding what the hell this show is. Where the book really did that for us. I don’t know. I find it to be a lot harder, a lot harder to do it without a book. Especially when you had a book, and it was right there, and everyone thought it was really hard, but it was actually so easy because the book was so good, and here we are.

Craig: James Clavell wrote another book.

Justin: Yes. I’ve told them that.

Craig: It was in a different country entirely.

Justin: I brought up, there’s four other books he’s written.

Craig: They’re like, “No. More than that.”

John: In any situation, you’re going to be dealing with limitations and choices that you can’t make. If there’s an adaptation, there’s choices that are made for you based on what the underlying material is, which is great. If you are doing Bumper in Berlin, the limitations are basically, “You got six weeks, you got this thing, it has to be in Germany,” all this other stuff. In some ways you crave those constraints because if they say like, “Oh, it can be about anything,” that’d be paralyzing as a writer. You want that happy balance between those. Thank you for your question.

Craig: Thank you.

[applause]

John: Hello, and what is your question?

Audience 4: I have a voice strain right now, so please bear with me.

John: Oh, I’ll listen and I’ll [unintelligible 01:14:19].

Audience 4: This question is for Craig Mazin. I have not seen Chernobyl yet, but the question I have for you is, what were the challenges that you had to face when you were making Chernobyl?

Craig: You want me to answer a question about Chernobyl, that you have not seen?

John: Yes.

Craig: I like that actually. I like the balls behind that question.

John: Just so everyone can hear it, what he asked-

Craig: What’s your story?

John: -was like, I’ve not seen Chernobyl, but what were the challenges of making Chernobyl?

Craig: The greatest challenges is getting people to see Chernobyl at the moment.

John: Yes. It is.

Craig: That’s the challenge.

John: I hear it’s going to be sad, Craig. It’s going to be sad, isn’t it? If I were to watch your show, what would it be like?

[laughter]

Craig: Anyway, thank you for your question. That was great.

[laughter]

John: No. All right. He’s passing, but thank you very much your question.

Craig: Thank you. Come back, watch it next year.

John: Also, when you watch it, you can also see the behind the scene making of stuff where they ask Craig these questions every week about how he did that show.

Craig: True.

Megan: I only watched that.

Craig: Thank you

[laughter]

Craig: You have the same question.

Megan: The show wasn’t that funny.

[laughter]

Craig: There are good jokes. Yes.

Audience 4: I will direct that to the show The Last Of Us.

Craig: Let’s ask a question about that. There we go. You should have started with that one. That was better.

[laughter]

Audience 4: Like the world building for The Last Of Us, what were the video game adaptation and stuff, because I don’t know if it was you, but I heard a tweet that you never played the game.

Craig: That’s the wrongest tweet in history. That’s saying something because Twitter. No, I played the game when it came out in 2013, and played it multiple times. I loved the game, and I always wanted to adapt it. I wanted to adapt it while I was playing it. I just didn’t think anybody would ever let me. For the longest time, Neil Druckmann who created the game was trying to adapt it as a movie, which was folly. We disconnected because around the time the rights reverted back to Naughty Dog, which is the company that makes the game.

Naughty Dog is owned by PlayStation, so Sony got the first crack at it. They tried to make a movie, they didn’t. Right around that time the rights came back. Neil also saw Chernobyl, and he was a big fan, and we sat down together, and had a chat, and about a week later we went over to HBO, and off we went. I talked quite a bit about adapting video games is a tricky thing to do, because it’s an interactive medium, and you’re adapting it for a passive medium, and so you have to just constantly think about that. We consider that all the time.

What did we love about the experience that is portable, and what did we love about the experience that is not, and we should leave it over there and do something else over here? That’s how we do that. Thank you very much.

John: Our next questioner. I’m going to say your question for the rest of the room so they can hear it. We keep hearing at at AFF this year about how much contraction there is. The question is, as aspiring script writers, what does that mean to us? What should we do, knowing that this industry is smaller than it was before?

Craig: The Dodgers just scored.

John: Oh no.

Craig: Shut up.

Megan: I feel like I heard some people yelling and was wondering if that’s what it was.

Craig: Those people are dicks.

John: All right.

Craig: Oh, really?

Megan: Guess what, it’s six to three, Craig.

Craig: Putting my phone back in my pocket. What was the question?

John: With the contraction in the industry, what should aspiring writers be thinking about in terms of what’s going to happen next? I want to first validate. It’s reasonable to be concerned about this because if we were here four years ago, not four years, there was a pandemic. If we were here six years ago, things actually were increasing and growing and we were making more stuff than we ever had. There were just more jobs, and there are not as many jobs now because there were making fewer shows. We’re still making shows and those shows are still hiring writers, it’s how do you make sure that you are a writer who they want to bring in on one of these shows?

Craig: Look, everybody who is aspiring right now was aspiring five years ago when there were supposedly more jobs, so it’s hard. It’s just like, it’s very hard, or it’s very, very hard, or it’s very, very, very hard. It’s hard. I don’t think you should be worrying about that at all. At all. There’s nothing you can do about it. There’s nothing we can do about it. The vicissitudes of the industry are beyond our control, and certainly not that there’s anything special we can write to make it any easier. There isn’t. The guy who owns Skydance just bought Paramount.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with that. Nobody can say where this is going. I wouldn’t worry about it. I would just worry about writing something great. People are still buying stuff. People are still breaking into the business. It does happen. The odds were always tiny. Maybe they are 5% tinier, but still tiny. Just keep getting better. How’s that for depressing? The Yankees just lost. It’s just game one guys. Just game one. It’s just game one.

John: Any other thoughts from the panel? Suggestions for, if you were an aspiring screenwriter now, is there any advice you would give them that is different than what you would’ve given them three years ago, six years ago, nine years ago?

Megan: No, and just to add to what Craig was saying, whose team just lost. I think that especially if you’re a comedy writer, how I was saying before of when I was hiring newer entry-level writers, I was looking at a lot of different types of things. I hired this team who go by Rajat and Jeremy, who are very, very funny internet comedians who have now written for a bunch of stuff. Part of why I knew about them is they were just putting out weird sketches online, and that is something that used to happen more when Funny or Die was really a thing-

John: Megan, that’s also how you got attention.

Megan: That is how I got found. What I think was so exciting about them, but also just a lot of really interesting writer-comedians, you don’t necessarily have to be a hyphenate, but just people who are making stuff is that they’re always going to figure out a way to make stuff. I think, yes, you should be writing your scripts and your samples, but if I find something, and I’m like, this person just loved making this thing, and it genuinely is really funny, I think that still is going to pop in a landscape where, yes, there might be fewer jobs, but if you’re making something that excites you and excites other people, it’s still going to pop.

John: Thank you so much for your question, and good luck.

Audience 4: Thank you.

[applause]

John: Hello, and what is your question?

Audience 5: Hello. My question is for you, Craig.

Craig: Are you going to tell me you didn’t watch Chernobyl anyway? Okay.

Audience 5: First question, Last of Us. I just want to question you about the Bill and Frank episode.

[applause]

Craig: There is definitely one guy that has not– oh no, he didn’t [unintelligible 01:21:48].

Audience 5: My question is, because there was a big risk to change that part of the story, was there any hesitations with that or pushback, or did you say, fuck it, let’s just do this.

Craig: No, the only hesitation was, it was just a general thing where I’d said to Neil, “I have an idea to do something totally different than what was there, but it’s filling a space that didn’t even exist in the game. It’s just a different thing.” I did feel like the thing about depressing stuff is that you need a break. You need to know that there’s a win. People can win, right? Or else like, “Oh my God, why am I watching this?” There has to be some glimmer of hope, and in the game they didn’t need to do that because you’re the person playing. It’s you, so you’re always winning by defeating the enemies, and when you’re watching, that’s not the case. It was just something I proposed to Neil, and he was like, “Go for it. Let’s see what happens.”

I wrote it, and I was very scared when I sent him, and he said, “This is my favorite one of all of them so far.” I have to tip my hat to him. I don’t know if James Clavell were alive today if he would be like, “No. You’re violating my work.” A lot of people that write novels are like that. A lot of people that write source material are incredibly protective of it, and can’t handle the idea of adaptation, and Neil has always been incredibly both generous but also, I think, smart and engaged. He understands that sometimes changing it keeps it closer weirdly to the source material than not.

Audience 5: Cool. Thank you, and last one is a quick one. We know you’re a favorite baseball team. What’s your favorite football team?

Craig: I grew up a Giants fan, but I got a huge– what the fuck is going on? Did they lose tonight?

[laughter]

Megan: The Dodgers just beat the Giants. I’m sorry.

[laughter]

John: Incredible. No one saw it coming.

Craig: It’s so weird. I can’t believe there’s a room. We’re in Texas. Why hate the Giants? Anyway, I’m not a big football fan. It’s hard. We talked about this on the show before. We’ve all just decided that we know that people are being paid to get brain damage, and we’re fine, and I’m not. I just can’t watch it anymore. I can’t. It’s fucked up. Anyway, a lot of you, I’m sure, are football fans. Thanks for coming.

[laughter]

John: Thank you. We have time for two more questions. You, sir, get one of the last two questions. What do you got?

Audience 6: This is exclusive for Megan and Susan, but anyways. If Eleanor Shellstrop from The Good Place had gotten a job at Waystar Royco-

[chuckles]

Audience 6: -do you think she could have taken it over, and do you think any of the four Roy kids could possibly end up in a good place?

John: Oh, I like the crossover there.

Susan: That’s a good one.

Megan: On the top of my head, I think she talks a big game, and absolutely could not have worked at Waystar Royco. I’m like, she just a bombast, but I think would have broken down, maybe flashed some tires and left the building or something.

Susan: She’s good at talking though. She’s a good problem solver. She could be like a Jerri figure, you know-

Megan: That’s true.

Susan: -where she’s a bulletproof Ninja running through it. I mean, yes, I’m really curious what their hell would look like. I mean, they don’t deserve to be in the medium place, I don’t think.

Megan: I think, yes, maybe they would have been recruited for corporate in the bad place-

Susan: Yes, devising- Shiv would have some really good ones.

Megan: Which is where the shows meet a little bit.

Rachel: I’d watch her and Greg though, the two of them together. I feel like something could– I would love to watch that show.

John: Greg and Eleanor? Oh yes, totally. They would torture each other in just the right way.

Craig: Team Gregnor. I love it.

[laughter]

Megan: Great question.

John: Now, that’s a fun question. Thank you for that question.

Craig: Thank you.

John: All right.

[applause]

John: Our final question of the night.

Audience: For the panelists who came into screenwriting from other genres, now that you’ve done screenwriting, it’s a thing that you have the experience with looking back either at your own work or work in your– whether it be plays or short stories, are there things that you would want to adapt under your own or someone else’s from their field into screenplays.

John: Absolutely. Talk about what you’re able to bring from playwriting into screenwriting. Is there stuff that you’ve taken from screenwriting that you want to bring back into playwriting or into short stories, or from this experience that you want to take back to the other medium?

Susan: Yes, really good question. I tend to see things, it’s like the vessel, and you see something in your mind, and it’s like, “Is this feel like a play?” I had a play that I was in the process of adapting into a TV series. The truth is, we have a lot of things that just don’t happen. There was one play of mine that was set in a hotel, and it was semi-autobiographical from one of my moonlighting jobs, survival Jobs.

But yes, I have another play that I haven’t written as a film, but I can see it that way, and it feels right. I think it’s an exciting opportunity because plays are much shorter, so you have that much more time to see how it looks in a series, or just playing with the visuals of what is it when it’s really literal? Because, theater, you have to use a lot of your imagination, you’re in an enclosed space, and so what does it look like when everything becomes very real, it’s not just the suggestion of it?

So I would be really excited to see that, but I think there are some things that really do feel like this must be a film, and this must be a play, and sometimes the act of translation, maybe it doesn’t move enough. I think you really have to crack open the play to make it work as a film. I think sometimes it really works. A lot of amazing older films began as plays as well, so it just depends on how willing you are to really go for it.

John: Rachel, have you done short fiction since you’ve done all this work as a screenwriter? What is it like going back to prose after this?

Rachel: Oh, I think the difference between the two is it feels like screenwriting is building something. You build something with your bricks. Every single day you show up, you– I don’t know even how you do bricks. You lay cement-

[laughter]

Rachel: -some mortar stuff. I don’t know. Something.

Craig: You actually know a lot about bricks.

[laughter]

Rachel: Yes, and then you put them in a pattern, and you build something, and afterwards you have a wall, of sorts, or a house. Then with prose, and probably playwriting too, it feels like–

Craig: This is what it’s like?

[laughter]

Rachel: Yes.

Craig: No, go on.

[laughter]

Rachel: What’s wrong with that? It’s true.

[laughter]

Justin: I’m glad everyone can see this tonight.

Craig: I am enjoying it. I like it.

[laughter]

Rachel: You put on your overalls and you go to work. You have your triangle-shaped-

Megan: Trowel.

Rachel: Is it a dowel?

John: No, trowel.

Rachel: Trovel?

Susan: Trowel.

Rachel: Trowel.

Craig: Did you say trovel?

[laughter]

Rachel: Sorry. I didn’t study Masonry.

[laughter]

Craig: You know a lot. You weirdly know so much.

Rachel: Really? No, but the point is that fiction write or prose writing, possibly play, I’ve never written a play. I wanted to star in a musical though.

Craig: Now we’re talking.

Rachel: Now it’s coming out. I feel like fiction writing or prose writing is like spinning gold out of thin air. Like you’re just like, “This is probably not going to happen today. It’s just not going to happen, but I’m here.” So I have not gone back to short fiction, but the question which I thought was interesting is the going back and forth, and the adaption, and whatnot. I just really want to finish my collection of short stories. That’s all I want to do, and I don’t see it. It’s like you bring different parts of yourself to everything, and there’s only one part of my heart that’s for that collection and one part that’s for the novel that is in a drawer somewhere. It’s a great question, but it’s funny, the divisions, there’s not much crossover for me.

John: That is our show for this week.

Links:

  • Austin Film Festival
  • Scriptnotes LIVE! December 6th at Dynasty Typewriter
  • Rachel Kondo and Justin Marks
  • Megan Amram
  • Susan Soon He Stanton
  • Decoder Ring – “The Wrongest Bird in Movie History”
  • Vote Out Ted Cruz
  • Brick App
  • r/TVTooHigh
  • Bliss Lau
  • A Dream of Islands by Gavan Daws
  • Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!
  • Check out the Inneresting Newsletter
  • Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription or treat yourself to a premium subscription!
  • Craig Mazin on Threads and Instagram
  • John August on Threads, Instagram, Twitter and Mastodon
  • Outro by Matthew Chilelli (send us yours!)
  • Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt, with special help this week from Chris Csont and Megana Rao. It is edited by Matthew Chilelli.

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode here.

Scriptnotes, Episode 643: Agents and Managers 101, Transcript

June 24, 2024 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2024/agents-and-managers-101).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August, and you are listening to Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters.

Today on the show, agents and managers. How do you obtain them? How do you work with them? And if necessary, how do you fire them? To answer these questions, we will be traveling back all the way to the start of this podcast to search for the answers. That’s right, it is a compendium episode, where you’ll hear three segments with me and Craig back when we were much younger and still full of umbrage. Drew, tell us about the clips that you’ve picked and what we’re going to hear today.

**Drew Marquardt:** We’re gonna start with Episode 2.

**John:** Episode 2, god, yeah.

**Drew:** At the very beginning. That’s how to get an agent or manager. No two writers get their reps the same way, but this is about finding how to get the right agent or manager to notice you.

**John:** I feel this kind of PTSD from those very early episodes, because I was cutting them all myself in Garage Band. Now we have Matthew. But it was a very manual process for me.

**Drew:** You guys sound so laid back in the early ones.

**John:** It’s very nice. Now we’re just all stress.

**Drew:** Then we’re going on to Episode 172, which is the perfect agent. Do you remember the Perfect series? We had all of that. The perfect agent, it’s now you have an agent and how does this work. How does this relationship work? What do you expect from your reps? How do you build and maintain that relationship?

**John:** Great. For sure. Then our final segment?

**Drew:** Is firing a manager.

**John:** Which is one of Craig’s favorite topics.

**Drew:** Craig’s favorite. He’s historically brought a lot of umbrage to this. I went all the way back to Episode 7 for this, because this is his first whack at the subject, and it’s his most balanced on it. It’s much more tact than umbrage.

**John:** That’s great. We’ll listen to these three clips, and then we’ll be back here at the end for One Cool Things, boilerplate and all the other stuff. But do stick around if you’re a Premium Member, because I will be talking through my big change, which is for the first time in my whole career, I now have a manager. Just a couple weeks ago, I signed with a manager. I’ll talk about why and what that process was like hiring a manager and what’s been interesting and good and different about it.

**Drew:** I’m excited to break it down with you.

**John:** Cool. Let’s travel back into time, and we’ll see you there at the far side of these three great clips.

[Episode 2 Clip]

**John:** I think we should focus on something we do know a lot about. We’re going to rip off the band-aid this week and we’re going to talk about something that in six years of running the blog, I’ve never actually written a post about this because it’s just such a dreadful morass of something to talk about.

**Craig:** It’s the worst, it’s the worst.

**John:** It’s the worst, and at least 80 percent of the questions that come into the site are basically this question. You’re ready? I’m going to paraphrase the one question that I’ve heard my entire blogging career.

**Craig:** Just do it, do it fast.

**John:** “How do I get an agent and/or manager?”

**Craig:** Oh, God. Now, let me just say, just so that anyone out there who is struggling to get an agent or manager doesn’t think that we are mocking your pain.

**John:** No, not at all.

**Craig:** We’re not. Really what we are embracing is the pain of the question itself because here’s what’s difficult, guys. If you really get down to what John and I know about getting an agent or a manager, what we know is how we got an agent in 1995. That’s what we specifically know.

Some of the pain of this question is it’s like a 15-year-old boy coming to you and saying, “How do I lose my virginity?” I could tell you how I lost my virginity in 1986. I just don’t know if it’s going to be applicable to you.

**John:** I think I do have a little bit more experience just because I’ve gone through generations of assistants who have become writers themselves and have gotten agents, so I’ve seen their process.

**Craig:** Good point.

**John:** Yeah. It’s not identical to what my process was and a crucial thing for framing this whole discussion is that there’s not one way it happens. Just like everyone does lose their virginity in a slightly different way, everyone gets to an agent or a manager in a slightly different way. We can only talk about general systems for success that people tend to find when they’re looking for agents and managers. I think we need to start by talking about what the hell an agent or a manager really is, because they’re used interchangeably and they’re actually different things.

**Craig:** Very, very different, yes. There’s something called the Talent Representation Act or Talent Agency Act, I can’t remember quite the exact name, but it’s California state law. Basically, the law says if you want to represent artists of any kind as an agent and procure them employment – that’s the big one – you are regulated. You have to be licensed by the state, you cannot charge more than 10 percent of what they earn, and you also can’t own any of it. For screenwriters, what that translates into actually is that agents cannot produce your material, because producing is a kind of an investment in the material itself.

That was the way it was for a long, long time. Then came the rise of managers who are not beholden to that law and they can, in fact, charge any percentage they want, and they can also produce your material. Technically, however, they are not allowed to procure you employment.

**John:** Now, procure sounds like a very legal term. Obviously I know that there’s a lot of overlap between what an agent does and what a manager does, but what is the difference between procure? The manager is not allowed to say, “Pay us this amount of money.”

**Craig:** The manager I do not believe is allowed to directly negotiate the terms of employment, I think. I’ll have to check on that one. By the way, as a general note, if there’s anything like this where I’m not quite sure, I can always lob a clarification on your blog when you put up the link. I know for sure that managers legally can’t seek employment. In other words, they can’t field requests for employment. They certainly can’t call up and say, “My client is available. Do you have anything that they might be interested in?”

Essentially, the manager is supposed to manage. Again, this is all the technical side of it and then there’s the real side. Managers are supposed to handle your day-to-day life. They help you develop material if that’s the way you want to use them. They help take care of your day-to-day needs when you’re working on a project. Let’s say you’re out of town working on something and they help facilitate your life. They’re not supposed to actually go out and get you a job.

**John:** Right. Now, it’s not an either/or situation. Many writers will find they have both a manager and an agent, and in many cases they’ll have a manager a year before they have an agent. It feels like there are many more managers in the business and that they’re easier to gain access to than an agent.

**Craig:** I agree.

**John:** Agents tend to be gathered together in very big, powerful agencies. There are certainly smaller boutique agencies that represent writers. Managers tend to be in smaller shops where they’re representing a smaller group of writers, or directors or other talented people and focusing on them. Managers, in general, might read every draft, and an agent very likely would not read every draft. A manager might give you notes. An agent would be much less likely to give you notes.

I approach the conversation with a dim view of managers, and this is just my generational bias. I’ve been called out for my generational bias because when I started in this business, the writers who had managers weren’t getting a lot out of their managers and they were just looking for the excuse to fire their managers. Now, more writers who are working regularly are talking about having success with their managers and keeping their managers as an active part of their career even after they’ve had a few features produced.

**Craig:** Yeah, I’m with you in the generational bias. I’m somewhat suspicious of managers. I had a manager for a long time, and in many ways it was a good thing, and in a number of ways it wasn’t, and it didn’t end particularly well.

I think that there are basically three reasons that writers gravitate toward… I’m going to give myself a fourth reason. One is, as you pointed out, sometimes they’re the easier representation to get, just to start with. Two, managers are much more willing to help you develop your material. If you’re the kind of writer who actually wants to bounce material off of somebody who isn’t a writer or a producer, a manager can help with that. Three, I think some writers feel, “Look, I can’t have two agents at once. I can’t be represented by CAA and UTA, but I can be represented by CAA and Three Arts. That’s twice the bang for the buck.” I wish I could remember what the fourth one was, but that was probably the most important one of all.

**John:** Those are three good points. To bounce off your third point there, being represented by two different people gets you exposure to more people who you could potentially be working with. And so even though the managers aren’t supposed to be out there giving you employment, they may be sending you out to meet with somebody, and that someone they have you meet with ends up becoming an important link for future employment.

**Craig:** Yeah, that’s absolutely true. I don’t have a huge problem with… If you love your manager, awesome. New writers who are seeking desperately for representation, and understandably so, I think can actually benefit a lot from a manager. But just be aware – this is the great currency problem – when you are a new writer without a track record and limited earning potential, you’re going to get a certain kind of manager. As your career advances, you owe it to yourself to fairly evaluate whether or not your manager is appropriate for where you are in your career if you advance.

**John:** Yeah. Let’s start the next part about what is an agent or a manager actually looking for. Let’s stop looking at it from the writer’s point of view. I need someone to represent me, to take me in and introduce me to all the right people and get me jobs. What does an agent want?

**Craig:** They want to make money. Bottom line.

**John:** They’re there to make money for themselves, for their agency. They’re there to try to get their clients hired and working continuously in the business. From that perspective, if they’re looking at a range of possible writers who they could represent, they’re going to look for the ones they believe are talented, the ones they believe will work really hard, the ones who can actually land the job – which means going in there to the meetings, for the nine meetings, and convincing a bunch of people that they are the right person to be hired for the job – the ones who are going to deliver. If an agent has a client that can land a job but then won’t actually turn in the script or finish the script or will turn in a really substandard version of what the script should be, that’s going to hurt.

The agent has a limitation of time. The agent can only represent so many clients. There’s only so many hours in the day. They can only put up so many clients for jobs. Taking on a new person is bringing a new person into the fold, someone they have to introduce to everybody, someone who they have to try to keep employed, someone they have to be talking on the phone all the time and trying to get them hired.

**Craig:** Also, just as an extension of that too, when an agent takes on a client that client is an extension of their reputation. I’m vouching that if I’m an agent I have a brand just the way that you and I have a brand. We’re known for writing certain kinds of things. Agents are known for representing certain kinds of people. They take on the wrong person and that person craps out, that’s an uncomfortable phone call for that agent. That damages their standing and that’s going to hurt them. There’s a ripple effect. When writers approach getting an agent and they look at this incredibly steep wall and the barrier to entry and they go, “Why? Why is this so hard to do?” It’s because of that.

**John:** Yeah. It’s important to remember that screenwriting is about pushing those words around on the paper and it’s being able to write a really good script. Screenwriting, the career of screenwriting, is also the ability to land a job and to get paid for what you are doing.

An agent is excited to read a really good script. They’re not going to sign a writer, in general, without sitting in a room with that writer and making the judgment call, could I send this person out on a job and get them hired to do something? They are measuring the social skills of a person who they are going to be possibly be representing.

**Craig:** Yeah. That’s right. You can definitely be a complete weirdo if you are just killing it on the page. If you are what I would consider a conventional screenwriter writing conventional material and you’re just a zero in the room, it’s going to be tough. I have to say that part of the business is unfair, but it’s real.

We can’t deny the fact that part of what we’re offering the people who hire us is a sense of comfort that we’re going to deliver and everything’s going to be okay. They’re just as scared as we are. Everybody’s scared.

**John:** It’s very much a business of trust. As the person hiring you, I am trusting that you will actually be able to deliver me this script. I base that trust on the things I’ve read on the paper but also looking you in the eye and seeing, “Okay, he gets it. He gets what it is we’re trying to do here.”

Yes, it’s incredibly important when you’re talking to the writer you’re bringing in for a million dollars to finish the script that’s about to go into production, but it’s also important just the scale job that you’re trying to get made. Every step for one of those executives is important.

**Craig:** All right. Then here’s the big question as we hit the midpoint of our podcast. Everybody’s been really patient. They’ve listened to us talk about uteruses and the law. John, how do these people get a manager or an agent? We ripped the band-aid off that 15 minutes ago. We’re still dancing around it, aren’t we?

**John:** I think you get an agent or manager through… I can think of three ways. The first is a recommendation. Someone has read your work, has met you, and said, “This guy is awesome. This guy should be writing movies for Hollywood. I’m going to take this script and I’m going to take you, introduce you to this agent or manager, and say you should represent this person because this person is great.” If that person has the ear of the right agent or manager and there’s already trust and taste being established between them, that agent or manager will read your material, say yes or no, and be interested and excited about possibly representing you.

That’s how I got my agent is a friend took the script I had written to his boss. He was interning at a small production company. The boss liked it, wanted to take it to the studio. I said, “I really need an agent. Can you help me get an agent?” He said yes and he took it to an agent he had a relationship with. The agent read it, because this guy who he trusted said that it was worth his time reading. He took it, read it, he met with me, and he signed me. That’s a very, very common story for how writers get represented.

Second way I would say is agents read material that they found through some sort of pre-filtering mechanism. A pre-filtering mechanism could be a really good graduate school program. If you graduated from a top film school and you were the star screenwriter of a USC graduate film school program, some junior agent at an agency is likely reading those scripts and saying, “Oh, this is actually a really good writer. This is a person we should consider.”

Even without that writer hunting down that agent, the agent was looking for who are the best writers coming out of these programs or the best writers coming out of a competition. These are the Nicholl’s finalists. Those scripts get read and those people will be having meetings with the people who think that they are potentially really good clients.

**Craig:** Makes sense. What’s the third one?

**John:** Just scouring the world to find interesting voices. I don’t know how much of this story is really accurate, but the apocryphal story of Diablo Cody is here’s a young woman who’s writing a funny blog. An agent reads the blog and says, “This woman can really, really write. She’s funny. She has a voice. I bet she could become a screenwriter.”

I don’t think all those details are quite accurate, but there’s always those writers who, they were doing standup and they’re clearly very funny and someone sees their act and says, “I think that person is a performer, but I also think that person is a writer and there’s something there that’s worth pursuing.”

**Craig:** I like those. Of course, all of them are predicated on you being a good writer and writing a good script, as is always the case, but those all make sense. I actually asked an agent at CAA named Bill Zotti. I gave him a call earlier today and I asked him the question. Of course, he groaned, because it’s that question, but he had a couple of pieces of really good advice that I figured I should pass along.

One is to make sure that if you are specifically pursuing an agent, to really know who they represent and ask, is this agent appropriate for my material. He said one of the most frustrating things is when he’ll get query letters or log lines for the kind of movies that his clients just don’t write.

Right now there are a lot of resources out there that are relatively inexpensive, like IMDb Pro for instance, where you can actually see… Let’s say I write movies like Judd Apatow. “Who represents Judd Apatow? Let me see.” I write movies like John August. “Who represents John August? Let me see.” Okay. If I send that person a query letter and say, “Listen, I’m a huge fan of John August. I’m aspiring to write like John August. Here’s my log line,” you might have a shot. Whereas if you send it to a guy that represents writers who write rated-R broad comedies, that person’s going to go, “What do I care? It’s not for me.” Do your homework. If you’re going to go through the effort of trying to break the rocks to get a rep, do your homework about the rep.

The other advice that he gave that I thought was pretty smart was to get a job in the business, which seems so blindingly obvious, but yet so many people resist it. I know why, because it’s hard and it involves a commitment that you may not be willing to make.

He said, “Listen, 80 percent of the people in the mail room at one of the big talent agencies are not really interested in being agents.” They’re there to learn the business because they want to do other things. They want to produce. They want to write. They want to direct. When you work in that business and you work in that place, you get to know the other people there.

You work next to a guy who suddenly is now an assistant to an agent. You say to him, “Listen, I’ve written a script, and I’m going to tell you what the idea is.” If he loves it, he’s got a chance now to impress his boss with a great piece of material, so he’s going to read it. These personal connections are invaluable. It’s nearly impossible to do that kind of thing from Rhode Island.

**John:** Yeah. I would also say what your example stresses is the horizontal networking. Everyone always thinks that to become successful you have to meet more powerful people and get more powerful people to love you. It’s really not that case at all. It’s been my experience, but it’s also been the experience of all my assistants, the way they got to their next step was by helping out everyone else at their same level.

They were reading other people’s scripts and giving them notes. Those same friends were reading their scripts. Eventually, they wrote that thing that was, “You know what? This is really good. This is the script I’ve been waiting for you to write, and I think I know the right person to take this to.” It’s always been those people who were doing exactly the same stuff you were doing who were the next step.

**Craig:** That’s right. That’s exactly right. I think people should think, as they are horizontally networking, about how to market themselves, because the funny thing is Hollywood with one hand is saying, “Get out, stay out,” and with the other hand is saying, “Please, somebody show up,” because they’re hungry for new talent. They’re desperate for new talent. Nothing makes them happier than a writer that’s better than a guy who makes a million dollars that they don’t have to pay a million dollars to.

They’re actually looking, believe it or not. If you can market yourself properly… For instance, we have a couple of friends who wrote a pretty crazy script and just put it out on the internet and marketed it as this insane thing, and it caught on.

**John:** You’re talking about the Robotard 8000?

**Craig:** I’m talking about the Robotard 8000. You may say, “Why would you put your screenplay on the internet, and why would you say it was authored by the Robotard 8000?” Why? Because they have agents at CAA and they’re working. It really got them a lot of attention. Also, it didn’t hurt that other writers that people trusted were saying, “We read this script. This was really funny.”

Similarly, I’ll tell you, if I were 22 again and I were in a writer’s group, I would say – and you and I didn’t have this in the 90s – “Let’s get a web page for our writer’s group, and let’s just start blogging about the experience of our writers group. Let’s track the progress of our scripts and the log lines and the rest of it.” If one of us catches somebody’s attention, suddenly our writer’s group has a little bit of buzz to it. “What will this writer’s group come up with next?” That’s why that Fempire thing was so cool, with Diablo-

**John:** Dana and Lorene.

**Craig:** … and Dana and Lorene. It was like, okay, there’s a group. Now, it’s not really a group. They all have to write their own scripts. But something about it, there’s a little bit of sparkly dust to it. It’s interesting. How do you make yourself interesting? Maybe then somebody will be attracted to your script.

**John:** We talked about marketing, but it’s really almost positioning. People need to know how to consider you or what to consider you as.

Here’s a terrible way to go into your first meeting. You wrote a really good comedy script that people like, and so they brought you in. A manager and agent sat down to meet with you. They say, “I really liked your script. It was really funny. What do you want to write?” It’s like, “I mostly want to write period detective stories with monsters.” The manager is going to hem and haw and make conversation for about another 10 minutes, but they’re not going to want to sign you, because they were thinking about you as a comedy person. Let them pigeonhole you for five minutes until you can actually get something going. They need to know how are they going to make the next phone call to somebody else, saying, “This guy has a really funny comedy script, but he’s exactly the right person to hire for your period action movie.” That just doesn’t make sense.

**Craig:** It doesn’t. Listen, these guys, what is their training in? Managers and agents are not there to tell you what to be. Their expertise is watching trends and patterns and pulling people out that fit what they believe is going to generate cash. They can’t tell you who to be. What they can do is see who you are and say, “That looks like money.” So know who you are. Go in there and be who you are.

It doesn’t mean that you have to go in there as Michael Bay. Not everybody has to make $200 million movies. Not everybody has to sell $3 million scripts. To be successful in this business, you just have to work. If I could walk into an agent’s office and say, “I will never make more than $200,000 a year, but I will make $200,000 every year for the next 20 years and I won’t bother you a lot,” that’s an instant signing. Why not? That’s great.

It’s not about how much you’re going to do, but just will you do. If you walk into an office and you say, “Look. I wrote this script and this is how I want to come off. These are the movies I love. This is the niche I want to fill,” if they feel like that’s a real niche and that niche needs filling, that’s a big deal. But they can’t tell you who to be.

**John:** Exactly. You have to be able to come to them with material that shows what your talent is, and a story, or at least a way of presenting yourself that leads them to believe, “Yeah, I see what he’s going for and I think he or she can achieve that.”

**Craig:** People have to understand that agents and managers – let’s call them representation – they’re never going to be your mommy or your daddy. They’re not your savior. They’re not Superman. What they are, essentially, are the vanguard of the endless decision process that leads to a writer being hired. They’re the first people in line to say, “OK, I’m willing to take a shot on you.” You still haven’t made a dollar when you get an agent. But it all is driven by you.

**John:** I always get the question of, how do I get an agent or manager? Generally, it’s the person who’s like, “I just finished my first script. How do I get an agent or manager?” That’s like, okay, you wrote a script. That’s great. After your second script, then I’ll believe you actually can write a second script. Or they’re like, “We just started working on our first script. How do we get a manager?” It’s acknowledging that part of the process is the ability to prove that you can actually do this repeatedly.

A thing I think we’ll probably say endlessly in the series of this podcast is that the career of being a screenwriter is not about one script. It’s about being able to write 50 scripts. While there may be one script that really gets representation’s attention, they’re really signing you for the next 30 things you’re going to write. They would love to be able to sell this one script. They mostly want to be able to sell you every year to different clients, to different producers, different studios, to continue generating cash flow and continue making movies.

**Craig:** Yeah, there’s a certain naiveté about the question in and of itself. Again, why we hate the question is just that some people are asking it and they haven’t quite earned it yet. “How do I get an agent or a manager?” Maybe the better way to phrase it is, “Which agent or manager should get me?” Start thinking that way.

Then if you think that way, you realize, “I’d better have something worth getting. I’d better know who these people are. I’d better know what I want and where I want to work and what kind of movies I want to be known for.” It’s the American Idol syndrome. “I go on TV, they like me, they pick me, I’m a star.”

**John:** The lottery mentality, which kills me about screenwriting, is that, by writing this one script, I will sell it for X dollars and then I will be set and everything will be wonderful and happy for here on out. It rarely happens that way.

I really liked the way you rephrased it, and I’m going to rephrase it again slightly, is, “How will the right agent find me?” If you can think about it in that perspective, a lot of things become more clear. How do I make myself visible enough that the right agent will recognize my talent and my determination and say, “This is the client I have to represent.”

What you may discover in that process is that – I say “the right agent find me” – the right agent probably isn’t the superpower agent who has Judd Apatow. It’s more likely the guy who has just a couple of clients, but they’re really good clients.

I left a bigger agent and went to a smaller agent right before Go. I made the change because I needed somebody who was generationally closer to me, who was hungry in the same ways that I was hungry, and I could grow with. I get frustrated when people aim too high, too fast. You want the person who can grow with you, ideally.

**Craig:** So true. The only thing worse than not having an agent is having the wrong agent, because then you feel like you are represented and everything’s going to be fine, but it’s a mismatch, so you have all of the lack of benefit of no agent, but none of the drive to get a new one, because you think you have one. That’s the worst situation.

I don’t care about the size of your agent, how big they are, who their clients are. If you’re just starting out and you’re lucky enough to attract the eye of a very powerful agent, you should ask, because it’s going to happen anyway, that they assign a junior agent as well to you, because you’re going to need more help, and you’re going to need more attention. They’re going to be busy talking to people that earn $20 million a year. They have directors and actors who out-earn every screenwriter. They just won’t talk to you. Get the right guy or girl.

**John:** And if you get the wrong guy, you can tune into a later podcast in which Craig will tell you how to fire your agent or manager.

**Craig:** It’s the best.

**John:** It’s actually one of Craig’s specialties. It’s one of the things I think he’s best known for, is really how to sever ties and move on with grace. I’ve seen him do it for many, many other screenwriters. It’s a master class.

**Craig:** I’m the Kevorkian of talent representation.

[Episode 172 Clip]

**John:** Last week we talked about the perfect studio executive. This week let’s talk about the perfect agent and what makes the perfect agent, what that person should be doing for a screenwriter, what our expectations should be when we’re talking to an agent. Craig, get us started.

**Craig:** I think that we do have quite a few agents and agent assistants who will soon be agents listening to us, so hey, lean in, listen carefully. I’m very simple about what I look for in an agent. Primarily, let’s talk about the real simple stuff. Call us back.

**John:** Always good.

**Craig:** Call us back. Don’t be impossible to reach. Call us back within a reasonable amount of time. That’s the big one.

**John:** Let’s define reasonable amount of time. A reasonable amount of time is 24 hours at the outlier, and if it’s not 24 hours, then it’s some communication that acknowledges, “Got your message, I will get back to you ASAP.”

**Craig:** Yeah. My feeling is if I call before lunch, I get a call before the end of the day. If I call after lunch, I should still get a call by the end of the day, but if not, first thing the next day and an acknowledgment that the call was received. That’s a real simple thing. I know that this is something that is talked about a lot in the agency hallways as a kind of nuts and bolts things. I cannot stress how important it is. Ultimately, the constancy of communication is the glue of the agent-client relationship. It’s as simple as that.

The other thing I look for in an agent is clarity. When a writer asks an agent, “What should I do? Should I do this job or this job? Should I pass on this? Should I accept it? Who should we give this to? Is this the right producer?” what we want desperately is the same thing that the people that hire us want: clarity and comfort. We want our agent to give us an answer. If there is no answer, then explain why there’s no answer, and then explain that either way will be okay. But this wishy-washiness or asking questions back – we’re not looking for an Ericksonian therapist to just rephrase our questions. We want answers.

**John:** When you proposed this topic, I went through and sort of made my list of archetypes of sort of the things I think about when I think of an agent. And not all agents are going to be all these people, but generally these are the kind of roles an agent fulfills in a writer’s life.

One is as adviser, which is just what you described, is the person who has an informed opinion about what should be done on a project, in a situation, what is the overall shape of what this experience should be.

Secondly is as kan advocate. You want your agent to be someone who is like on your side. And so when people are pushing you around, they’re pushing back. And that’s a really crucial role because sometimes the agent has to be the bad guy. The agent has to say, “No, he delivered. Pay him.” And convince on the next step if you want the next step. That’s a critical function of an agent and sometimes one that they are reluctant to perform because they’re trying to maintain all these other relationships. But from the writer’s perspective, we just need you to stick up for us.

Third archetype is sort of the connector. And really good agents are smart at being able to put people together who they think can work well together. That’s putting writers in rooms with studio executives who actually know what they’re doing, setting up a lunch between a writer and a director because there’s probably something they could work on together, bringing the right material to the writer, because this is a book we have and we think you would probably like it. That’s a crucial function of a good agent.

**Craig:** Let’s stop there on that one, because a lot of these things are sort of constitutionally required for agents. Some of them are things that agents have to earn their way towards. The truth is that we want from our agents a certain amount of connectivity. And there are all sorts of words for this, juice, or whatever you want to call it. We want our agent to be able to get the people we need to get on the phone on the phone. And if you can’t get those people on the phone, then you need to have a relationship with a senior agent who can.

**John:** That’s a crucial point, because a lot of times as newer writers, you’re going to be working with a junior agent, someone who doesn’t have all the history and all of the contacts and all the access that the top people have. But in some cases, those younger agents have tremendous numbers of contacts, they’re just at a lower level. And those can be incredibly valuable, and they can actually be faster than some of the very top-tier people can actually get that information. That can be really useful.

Obviously, if your agent is plugged in at CAA and they have this vast knowledge network of how everything is set up, that’s awesome. But even if your agent is at a smaller sort of boutique agency that deals with just TV writers, that can be exactly perfect if that’s what you’re trying to do.

My first agent was just a terrific agent, but his client list was mostly very esoteric indie writer-directors. He was really good at dealing with sort of specialty film arms of things, but that wasn’t who I ultimately was. And it got to be very frustrating, because he didn’t know the people who I needed to be in rooms with. And that’s why it didn’t last.

**Craig:** Exactly right. There’s another thing that I think the perfect agent is capable of doing, and that is switching their tone from every kind of communication they have, except for their communication with their writer clients, and the communication with the writer clients. We know when we’re being agented.

So, what is being agented? It’s being handled, cajoled. There’s that agent talk that’s smooth and fast and all facts have suddenly become fogged by war. And everything gets twisted around. That’s what they do. And they need to be able to do that. When they’re dealing with other agents, when they’re dealing with producers, when they’re dealing with studios, when they’re dealing with business affairs, they need to agent people. That’s their job.

But when you’re talking to us, before you get on the phone with us, take a breath and say this: “This person I don’t agent. This is my client. This person I can just calm down, relax, and be honest with.” I know. Sounds crazy. But we actually appreciate honesty more than anything. Don’t hide bad news from us. Don’t sugarcoat bad news. Don’t flimflam us. And if we challenge you on something and we’re right, don’t think that by saying, “You know what, that’s a really good point, you’re right,” that it makes you weak. It doesn’t. It makes us like you more. Save a certain tiny nugget of honest, normal you for us, and agent everybody else.

**John:** Part of that honesty is being honest about why a project is coming to you or why a project is not coming to you. And that’s a very difficult conversation to have.

Craig, you will be able to better articulate what the legal definitions and differences are between an agent and a manager. But my perception is that any time somebody comes to my agent with, “Here’s work. Here is work we would like John to do,” I think he’s legally obligated to tell me about it. Is that correct?

**Craig:** It is. Yeah. A lot of times they will glide over that, because they know that you’re busy and unavailable and wouldn’t want to do that. I don’t need my agent to call me up and say, “Hey, listen, we got an offer. You just started writing a script. We got an offer for you to do an episode of an animated program in Albania.” I don’t need to hear about it.

**John:** Yet I think one of the crucial things is – and this is the conversation I have quite often – in one of those sort of check-in calls, there will be like four things we’ll talk about, and the last thing will be, “Oh, and I got this thing for you. Here’s the project. Here’s the producer. Here’s why I think it’s a pass.” And that is just a godsend when you hear what that is.

Agents are fairly describing what it actually is and why it’s probably not interesting. And sometimes I’ll say like, “Actually, that does sound really interesting,” or like, “I’ve always liked that person, so I do want to take a look at it.” But a good agent is able to say, “This is why it’s probably not going to be right.”

In some cases, especially for a newer writer, they might say, “Okay, there’s this project over at this studio and they’re meeting with writers. They asked about you. I think it’s a fishing trip. I think they’re just basically bringing a bunch of people into the room and seeing what might stick. And you could be wasting a tremendous amount of your time.” I so appreciate that. And as a young writer, I might be panicked, like, “Wait, I’m not going to go for this job?” A smart agent might say, “You know what? I don’t think anyone is ever going to get that job. I think it’s basically just a let’s see what sticks kind of situation.”

**Craig:** Yeah. For sure. There’s another nice benefit to letting your clients know when you’re passing on things for them, in that it makes them feel good, that people want you to work for them. Look, if you say don’t do something, we’re not doing it. We’re very simple that way. We want to do everything. We want you guys to be able to help us say no to things. It’s obviously a very valuable part of this. Sometimes as agents, you will smell some blood in the water and we won’t smell the same blood.

I’ll get a call, “Something came up at the agency. Our biggest movie star is excited about doing this thing. It’s a book. And everybody is running around like crazy. But I put your name in and they really responded to that. This could be huge.” Look, again, we’re being agented there a little bit.

**John:** Yeah. But at least you’re being candid about what’s actually happening there.

**Craig:** Right. Exactly. And it’s good to know. And then if we don’t smell the same blood and we go, “You know what, I get why they would love that. I just don’t think it’s for me,” then you let it go. That’s okay. Just don’t jam us in, because we’re not dumb, we know how the agent business works. You guys make 10 percent of what we make. The person who makes the most amount of money, that’s the most important person. We know that. And it’s okay to shepherd us all together. That’s part of your job. But then if we don’t get it and we don’t want to do it, just be respectful and let us not like it. That’s okay.

**John:** That shepherd function is really crucial too. When Aline was on the show last, she talked about how her agent of many, many years, they were on a phone call and Aline was venting her frustration about this project and these people and the people being impossible. And the agent basically pulled her aside and said, like, “Get over yourself. Call me back tomorrow. And figure out how you’re going to actually do this project, because you’re being crazy.”

And that’s a crucial thing. That shepherding role of saying like, “You know what, you’re not actually being reasonable here.” It’s almost like a parent. Like, you know, reminding you, “You know what, this is your job. Your job is to write this movie. Write this movie. Get it over with. Get it done. And move on.” And that’s a crucial thing to have happen too. Sometimes you as the writer are the problem, and a very good agent can find the right way to tell you, “This is a you thing. Get through it. And let’s get onto your next project.”

**Craig:** No question. Yeah, Aline and I actually have the same agent, and I can hear him saying all that. And frankly, we want that specificity. It goes back that we want to be spoken to honestly and we want clarity. If the clarity is you’re being insane, if my agent ever said to me, “You’re being insane,” I would think I’m being insane.

A good agent should not be afraid of his client or her client. If you’re an agent and you’re worried that your client is not going to respond well to the truth, so your job is to somehow figure out how to hide the truth in a thing, like the way that I feed medicine to my dog by putting it in pudding, we’re going to know. Don’t be afraid of your clients. If your client can’t handle what’s true, then they’re not going to be able to handle it with their next agent or their agent after that. Truth is a great defense.

**John:** I absolutely agree. The last thing I would say about the great agent is, the analogy I think I’ve often made is that if you’re having heart surgery, you don’t want to go to the woman who only performs heart surgery three times a year. You want to go to the surgeon and she performs it seven times a week. You want the person who is the pro at doing this thing.

And sometimes as a writer you have to step back and realize, like, “Oh, you know what? You actually do this job. You’re actually the person who makes this deal. I’m not going to sort of worry about every little step of this process. I’m going to let you and maybe my lawyer go off, make this deal, figure out all that stuff, and then report back to me what the results are. And I can say yes or no.” But I see sometimes, especially newer writers, freak out about each little bit of a deal, and that’s not generally a helpful thing.

**Craig:** It isn’t. I totally agree. There are times when we have a disagreement. And what I end up saying is, “Listen, let me tell you why I don’t want what they’ve offered, even though you think it’s good, because of this and this. It’s important to me. It’s important enough that I’m willing to say, no, I don’t want to do this.”

And a good agent hears that and goes, “Fantastic news.” As long as you’re in sync with your client and they’re saying, “I don’t want to do it. I would rather not do it than this,” that’s empowering, and don’t fight anymore. Now just go with that, unless you feel that they’re being insane. Then tell them they’re insane. There needs to be that just honest communication. The most important advice I can give to you on your path to becoming a perfect agent is to not agent your client.

**John:** I think that’s great advice.

[Episode 7 Clip]

**John:** Question for you. When you get an email from somebody you don’t know, do you google them?

**Craig:** It depends on the content of the email. But if it intrigues me in any way, yes.

**John:** The reason I ask is because I wanted to start today with a question, and it’s clearly a genuine question. This person put in enough work to the question that I don’t think that this was any sort of scam deal or anything. But as I looked up this person’s name – I didn’t recognize it, so I googled it – it came up as an adult film star.

**Craig:** Oh, cool.

**John:** I don’t think it’s actually the adult film star who was emailing me. But it’s a person who, because of the nature of the question, chose to use a handle, which was the adult film star thing, so that I wouldn’t actually print it. But of course, it was a female adult film star, which I would have no idea if it was actually a female.

**Craig:** If you said the name, I would pretend that I didn’t know it.

**John:** Oh, very nice. That’s the lovely thing about an audio podcast is no one can see your facial reaction. I’m going to choose to name this person Tina, which is not the name that originally came on the email. Let me read it to you:

“About a year ago, a manager from a reputable company contacted me because they were a fan of my online videos,” which I presume were not adult videos. “I agreed to work with them. Unfortunately, this manager also represents people with lots of IMDb credits – big people, mostly actors though, a few writers. Over the last year it has become painfully obvious they have zero time for me and have put zero effort into helping my career get off the ground.

“Any general meeting I’ve gotten over the last year has been a direct result of my own efforts. I am beginning to realize that this manager and I don’t agree on anything creatively. Their notes are contradictory and vague. When they’re not, I find them to be flat out wrong.

“My question is, if I cut ties, I’m back to square one with no other representation possibilities on the horizon. At the same time, this manager has made it clear I’m last on their list of priorities. Even if I weren’t, the difference of opinion on everything seems counter-productive. Is it worth just keeping the manager or risk going it alone?

“I’ve actually spoken to my manager about this. I asked him if he had the time for me. He said if I didn’t, they could maybe pass me along to someone a little lower at their company who may be able to champion me a bit more.” It’s a confusing note. I think it’s actually the writer saying that, so the writer suggesting that. “They said, ‘No, no. I have the time. Don’t worry.’ Well, I’m worried.”

**Craig:** This is, talk about a softball question. 90 percent of the question is really an explanation of how poor of a job this manger is doing and how bad of a fit they are, and then 10 percent is generalized anxiety disorder. The answer is cut ties, of course.

**John:** I may disagree with you on this.

**Craig:** Let’s go. Let’s do this.

**John:** I don’t want to be the serial monogamist of these relationships, but I feel like it may be a situation where she needs to find the next manager before she leaves this current manager. I don’t know that being free and clear and floating in the Hollywood ether is going to help her any more than being with a manager who, while not helping her, isn’t an anchor in any way to her.

**Craig:** Well, here’s where I would disagree. It is difficult to switch representation without actively trying to do it. That is to say, without actively trying to get a new representative. It’s a very small community. As bad as a manager may be at their job, every manager seems to be amazing at sniffing out when their clients are trying to leave them. It becomes difficult to do a full-court press on your own behalf.

If there is any opportunity that this writer has to find a better manager, that opportunity doesn’t disappear simply because they don’t have this person. This person’s literally a zero. That’s what the question stipulates. In my mind, I think by cutting ties you give yourself every opportunity to get out there, do a full-court press and not run into anybody that said, “Oh, I would, but your manager is a friend of mine,” or, “We share a client,” or, “I don’t want to poach.” Just get rid of him. I don’t know, that’s my feeling.

**John:** Devil’s advocate, I will say that there’s other people who this writer could be bringing into his or her team who may be helpful, and the manager could actually be an asset getting them to it. I feel like you maybe go to your manager and say, “Hey, look, I really want to try to find an attorney. Can you give me some suggestions of people I can meet with who are good attorneys?”

It could help open the doors to some of those things which aren’t a huge burden on the manager’s time. Then you have a pretty good attorney. And then when it’s time to leave this manager, you have a pretty good attorney who can help make the next set of connections.

**Craig:** But it’s difficult to get an attorney if you’re showing up with no opportunity for lawyering.

**John:** That’s true. You’re not going to get a lawyer unless there’s actually some contract to negotiate.

**Craig:** Right, and that seems to be precluded by this relationship. I don’t know, I guess the underlying sentiment behind my advice here is that we as writers tend to project an enormous amount of power onto these representatives, fueled by our own anxiety that we will never love again.

But the truth is you’re not being loved now. It’s a bad marriage, get out of the bad marriage. Look actively and wholeheartedly for a new marriage. You found this person. You’ll find another one. I also feel like a bad manager is worse than no manager, because while you have your bad manager, you’re hamstrung and you can’t do better.

**John:** Craig, you are going to leave this manager. You’re going to advise Tina that she should leave this manager. What does Tina say to this manager?

**Craig:** Really simple. You call the manager up, no need to make a big production out of it. You lead by saying, “Listen, I made a decision to let you go. I’m going to end our professional relationship.” You start with that, right off the bat, really dispassionate.

Just say, “Unfortunately, things haven’t quite worked out the way I would’ve hoped. I had a certain series of goals for the two of us. They haven’t quite gelled, I’m sure you would agree. We’ve been together for X amount of time. It hasn’t resulted in employment. And frankly, it just doesn’t seem like you have the time for me or the attention that I would’ve hoped. The decision is final, but I do appreciate the fact that you took a shot with me to begin with. I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope you understand.”

**John:** That sounds reasonable and mature and grown up. I will say that when I left my first agent, I didn’t have that level of sophistication. I felt the need to actually pick a fight and be able to have the reason for why I was leaving. He was genuinely a friend. He was just simply the wrong agent for me to be with, and so I felt the need to pick some sort of fight that he wasn’t doing a good job with me, so he would get angry with me, and therefore I’d angry with him and say, “I think I need to go find another agents.” The whole time, I had actually already started the whole process of figuring out who I was going to meet with next.

**Craig:** Right, that works. Look, the most important thing is that whatever method you employ, you employ it post-facto to the decision. You don’t use this breakup speech to build up to the decision. You lead with it. The decision should be unilateral. It should be a fait accompli, and then you roll out your dismissal plan.

**John:** What I just realized is that I led this conversation with talking about googling people, and I just googled my old agent yesterday, because I was curious. Someone said, “Whatever happened to him?” And I didn’t know what happened to him, and he’s fallen off the radar.

**Craig:** You mean the Google radar?

**John:** He doesn’t seem to exist in the last several years.

**Craig:** Is it possible that he never existed and this is like a Beautiful Mind thing?

**John:** That would be kind of amazing if he never existed. You go back through all those old contracts and those phone calls, and you see the other side of it, and I’m just talking to myself. I basically rented this empty office, and I would go there.

**Craig:** This is the moment where Agent Kujan drops his coffee mug on the floor.

[End of Clips]

**John:** We are now back here in 2024, or whenever you’re listening to this podcast. It could be 2054 by the time you’re listening to it. My One Cool Thing is also time-travelly. This is the 25th anniversary of Go this year. GQ magazine had a great oral history retrospective of the making of Go. I was interviewed, along with Doug Liman, the director, Sarah Polley, many of the other actors. Desmond Askew I’ve not seen since we actually shot the movie. It was great to get this retrospective on how we got the movie made, how it almost didn’t get made. Paul Schrodt did a great job putting together this oral history.

**Drew:** I loved hearing from William Fichtner. I know he’s in that movie, but he just seemed to have such love for it and such passion for it, even though he’s in it.

**John:** I was genuinely surprised, because I would say during production, he was just always annoyed by me. At least that was my perception, because it was a really chaotic production. If you read the piece, you’ll see that it was a chaotic production. I was always meddling with things, but I needed to meddle with things, because Doug always had the camera on his back. Conversations that would’ve happened over in video village had to be right in front of the actors, because Doug had the camera on his shoulder.

**Drew:** He was rigging a light on Breckin Meyer.

**John:** Yeah. But I’m glad he had a great time it. Actually, it was a very difficult shoot but a really fun shoot. It really captured the joy of making and putting that movie out there in the world.

**Drew:** Cool.

**John:** Cool. We’ll put a link in the show notes to that. That is our show. Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt. Drew, thank you so much. Edited by Matthew Chilelli. Our outro this week is by James Llonch. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions.

You will find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. That’s also where you’ll find the transcripts and sign up for our weekly newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. We have T-shirts and hoodies. They’re great. You’ll find them at Cotton Bureau. You can sign up to become a Premium Member at scriptnotes.net, where you get all the back-episodes and Bonus Segments, like the one we’re about to record on my signing with a manager.

Now, Drew, before we go though, quite crucially, I wanted to talk about a traumatic experience you had this week and maybe talk through this a little bit. As everyone knows, we are a Highland house. All of our writing is done in Highland, which is the app that we make, and it’s what screenwriters should be using. But you this week, for a different project or something that’s going on, you had to use Final Draft. Tell us about Final Draft.

**Drew:** You don’t pay me enough. You don’t realize how good you have it until you go back to Final Draft, because god, what a nightmare.

**John:** You were discussing just putting in a parenthetical was…

**Drew:** Yeah. In Highland, all you have to do is type a parenthetical and it automatically formats. In Final Draft, you have to hit tab twice. If dialogue gets caught in an action line, you’re screwed. You have to retype all that.

**John:** It’s a really different thing. I’m sure if I had to do it, the muscle memory would come back, but I’m so happy not to be thinking about… Just don’t have to touch that tab key.

**Drew:** You’re very lucky.

**John:** Brutal. Thank you for all the hard work you did and in putting together this episode. In tribute to all your hard work, this outro is especially applicable.

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** All right, Drew. We’ve talked about this on the podcast, that Craig and I have never had managers. We didn’t grow up with them. It wasn’t such a big thing when we started in this industry. Craig especially was always very suspicious of managers or the need for managers. I have always tried to keep a more open mind. But I definitely thought of managers as being a thing that newer writers might need, because they needed more hand-holding. They needed somebody to walk them through the process. They needed extra bubble wrap around them to help them do their thing. That was not what I needed, because I’m a very established writer. I didn’t need that extra point of entry. But as you, master of the calendar, saw, I ended up having six manager meetings and I went and met with a bunch of managers.

**Drew:** Yeah, six, which felt like a lot. Yeah, it’s surprising.

**John:** The reason why it ended up being six is, when I started making the decision to look for a manager, I went to Ken Richman, who’s my attorney, to get suggestions for who we should meet with. He had good names and good numbers. I couldn’t stop at one place.

But it also reminded me of when my daughter started looking for colleges, that yeah, you want to take a look at certain schools, but really you’re looking for types of schools. When we did our first college tour, we were looking for, okay, this is what it’s like being at a big school in a big city, versus a big school in a tiny town where the college takes over the town, or what it’s like to be a small college in a little, small town. What’s the right fit? What’s the right vibe gonna be?

These were actually six very different types of managers to meet with. I needed a sense of what is it gonna feel like, as much as how specific those individual managers might be.

**Drew:** Did you go into it knowing what you were looking for, or did you have an idea?

**John:** To get into it, I guess we should start with explaining why I was even looking for a manager, because I’m a very experienced screenwriter. I didn’t need a lot of help on the screenwriting front. But I’m not a very experienced or established director. One of my priorities the next couple years is to do more directing. I needed a manager, I felt, to shepherd that part of my career, and so really focus on that. That was one of the things I was really looking for.

As I was sitting down to meet with these managers, I would talk about what my priorities were for the next couple years ahead, what was working great and what I felt could work better. You sent through a list to all these managers beforehand of, like, “Here’s all the stuff I’m working on. Here are my priorities for what I want to spend my time doing.”

When I actually sat down to meet with these places, you realized they really were so different in how they worked and how they functioned and how they felt, because some of them were really small. One was a single manager. Some were really small, little, boutiquey kind of places. Some were producing shows and they were doing a whole bunch of stuff and they had a bunch of different clients. They had sports people, and they had their own research department and all this stuff. Some felt like they were as big as the big agencies, like the CAAs or the WMEs. There really was a huge range of things.

I asked similar questions of all the places, but it was also fun to hear their explanations for why they were set up the way they were set up. The places who don’t produce would say, “We don’t produce because we want to focus entirely on client service, really that old agency model, just focusing on what our clients need.” The places that did produce would say, “Because we’re out there producing, we actually know what it’s like to produce, and we actually get a lot of firsthand experience on what it takes to make something this year, next year, or the year after. We’re much more in contact with the places that you’ll be working with.”

**Drew:** What is the argument for the client services then? Because as we just talked about in the episode, I know there’s a workaround, but managers can’t legally represent their clients in a contract situation. What would they be doing? How would that be working?

**John:** I’m so happy we’re recording this without Craig, because right now Craig would be tearing his hair out, because one of Craig’s great frustrations is that managers should not, under California law, be doing some of the stuff that they end up doing, which is figuring out what the actual deal is. Managers can put you in the room, but in theory it should be your attorney and your agents who are doing that stuff. Some of my big writer colleagues don’t have agents anymore. They just have their managers, and it’s working out great for them. So it’s certainly a possibility.

I did think about, if I were to have a manager, would I still need an agency? Some of the conversations I would have with these management companies is, “How do you work with agencies? What is the overlap?” because there is overlap. Different explanations, but some would describe it as being like the manager is the general leading the charge, but you need the army, and that army is often the agency. The manager might be the person who’s saying, “Okay, there’s these 15 calls we need to make. I’m gonna make these 10. Can you make these five?” They can be the CEO of the representation of that one client.

**Drew:** Does that make it in any way awkward with your agents?

**John:** It can, and so I had conversations with agents too about, “How do you feel about working with managers?” Some, they would say, in quite polite ways, that there are certain managers they love getting on the phone with and certain managers they dread getting on the phone with, and that sometimes it feels like it’s interfering with their ability to represent the client.

In most cases though, managers represent many fewer people than an agent would. An agent might have 100, 150 clients they’re supposed to be repping, whereas a manager is focused on just a much smaller list, and so they can provide a little bit more direct attention to what that person needs that day and the day after and be thinking about a year down the road, what’s best for the client.

**Drew:** You picked a manager. How’s it going so far?

**John:** Good so far. What I would say is I found that the manager is more likely to be on Zoom with me. For example, we had a Zoom with the foreign finance people at the agency. It was good to have that manager there to ask the extra questions that I wasn’t thinking about.

It’s been nice that they have different connections than my agents might. Even just on an email chain, a manager could say, “Oh, we rep them,” or, “I know that person, and so let me make that introduction, and that’s a thing that could work,” or, “It’s not public knowledge yet, but they’re gonna be busy for the next 18 months, so I don’t think that’s a good person for us to pursue next to direct this project.”

That has been good and useful to have one outside person and an ability to reach outside the silo of… Part of the reason I was looking for a manager is because if you’re at an agency, yes, they in theory could work with everyone, and they should have information on all the stuff, but it’s hard for… If you’re at CAA, it’s a little bit weird for them to reach out to WME about one of the WME clients, whereas a manager can just pick up the phone and do it.

**Drew:** That seems like a huge… Obviously, you have a giant contact list, but your contact list expands exponentially, and knowledge too with that.

**John:** Yeah. All that said, it’s new and it’s different and it’s a little bit weird. As we established on the podcast, I kind of like being a little bit uncomfortable and trying things that are outside of my comfort zone. For me, for that, it’s been good. It’s a change. It’s a development. It’s fun that we’re doing this episode now, looking back 12 years to when we first started the agent and manager conversation, for me to suddenly have a manager, which I’ve never had before.

**Drew:** I’m excited. I think it’s a cool new chapter.

**John:** Cool. Drew, thanks for getting this episode together.

**Drew:** Thanks, John.

Links:

* [Episode 2 – How to get an agent and/or manager](https://johnaugust.com/2011/scriptnotes-episode-2)
* [Episode 172 – Franz Kafka’s brother, and the perfect agent](https://johnaugust.com/2014/franz-kafkas-brother-and-the-perfect-agent)
* [Episode 7 – Firing a manager, and trying new software](https://johnaugust.com/2011/firing-a-manager-and-trying-new-software)
* [How ‘Go,’ the Wildest, Druggiest, Horniest Cult Movie of 1999 Got Made (And Almost Didn’t)](https://www.gq.com/story/how-the-craziest-cult-movie-of-1999-got-made) by Paul Schrodt for GQ
* [Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!](https://cottonbureau.com/people/scriptnotes-podcast)
* [Check out the Inneresting Newsletter](https://inneresting.substack.com/)
* [Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/gifts) or [treat yourself to a premium subscription!](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/)
* Craig Mazin on [Threads](https://www.threads.net/@clmazin) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/clmazin/)
* John August on [Threads](https://www.threads.net/@johnaugust), [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/johnaugust/?hl=en) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/johnaugust)
* [John on Mastodon](https://mastodon.art/@johnaugust)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by James Llonch ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* This episode’s segments were originally produced by [Stuart Friedel](https://stustustu.com/). Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/643standard.mp3).

Scriptnotes, Episode 638: Lawyer Scenes, Transcript

May 16, 2024 Scriptnotes Transcript

The original post for this episode can be found [here](https://johnaugust.com/2024/lawyer-scenes).

**John August:** Hello and welcome. My name is John August.

**Craig Mazin:** Oh. Oh. My name is Craig Mazin.

**John:** And you’re listening to Episode 638 of Scriptnotes, a podcast about screenwriting and things that are interesting to screenwriters. Today on the show, you can’t handle the truth.

**Craig:** You can’t handle the truth!

**John:** We’ll be talking about lawyer scenes in movies and television with an actual criminal defense attorney, to separate the tropes from the truth. And in our Bonus Segment for Premium Members, Craig, beach vacations. Is there anything better or anything worse?

**Craig:** Everything is better. Literally everything.

**John:** I’m with you there. We’re going to have to find some other third party to argue for beach vacations.

**Craig:** I don’t know if we have the right guy for that, be honest with you.

**John:** We’ll see. First, Craig, we have some important follow-up here about a mistake that you made. The great Julia Turner herself wrote in to say:

**Drew Marquardt:** “As your self-appointed chief journalist correspondent, I am obligated to write in to tell you that Stephen Glass published his fabulism in The New Republic, not The New Yorker. That is how his articles made it through The New Yorker’s vaunted fact-checking process, which in fact, they didn’t.”

**Craig:** God, I feel terrible. Confession time. My entire life, I panic whenever I have to reference The New Republic, The New Yorker, or New York Magazine.

**John:** 100 percent.

**Craig:** New Yorker is special. New Republic is also quite special. New York Magazine is not that special. But I panic every time. And I blew it here. And I blew it in the dumbest way, because I made a mistake, a fact-checking mistake about a fact-checking story where a guy was making stuff up. So thank you, Julia, for correcting me. And my deepest apologies to the folks at New Yorker, who have always been very nice to me. And what did I do? I rewarded them by trying to hang Stephen Glass around their neck. I’m sorry about that. It was The New Republic. Craig is shamed.

**John:** Julia also sent through this link about this article that Hanna Rosin wrote. Hanna Rosin was a contemporary of Stephen Glass working at The New Republic. When the whole thing outbroke, she felt blindsided and betrayed. But in this follow-up article, she goes to Los Angeles to meet with him and see what he’s done with his life. And she finds him as he’s trying to get the California Bar to let him become a lawyer. And so it’s all the drama surrounding that. We’ll put a link in the show notes to this really good article by Hanna Rosin that also ties into our main theme here, which is what does it mean to be a lawyer and what does the law include.

**Craig:** We should probably get a lawyer to discuss that.

**John:** Yeah, we should. I have the perfect person for us.

**Craig:** Oh, do you?

**John:** Ken White is a defense attorney and a former federal prosecutor, whose expertise includes criminal justice, free speech rights, and the intricacies of the legal system. He’s got this knack for demystifying complex legal topics, which we can witness each week on his podcast, Serious Trouble, which you should definitely subscribe to. Craig, you and I and many people may already follow him on social media, because he’s @popehat, or read his blog posts at popehat.com.

**Craig:** And Ken and I have known each other I think before the existence of podcasts.

**John:** Wow.

**Craig:** It’s going on, what, 21 years or something like that now. Welcome, Ken White.

**Ken White:** Thank you very much, guys. I’m very happy to be here.

**John:** Ken, can you talk us through, what do you mostly do in your days? I see you on social media. You’re writing stuff. You’re doing your podcast. But what is your actual day job? Who are you representing?

**Ken:** I have a practice. It includes criminal defense, in both state and federal courts, and a lot of eclectic civil cases. I really love First Amendment stuff, but I take on all sorts of other civil cases. It’s everything from plaintiffs to defendants, all sorts of subject areas, a lot of stuff.

But to answer your question, what do I do, it’s mostly paperwork. The demystifying, there’s a whole lot of paperwork of various kinds, and then there’s supervising other people doing paperwork and editing their paperwork. Then there’s asking the client to give you paperwork and then saying, “No, that’s not right. Do it again.” Then there’s arguing about paperwork in front of the judge. It’s not a job for someone who really wants the outdoors. You can be a trial lawyer, but even trial lawyers spend a lot of time not actually in court doing exciting things.

**Craig:** I gotta be honest. You were mentioning just before we started that you’re about to go into a trial. I have lots of friends who are attorneys. Trials seem like these things that sometimes occasionally happen, but most of the time it’s like watching baseball. Every now and again, something happens, but it’s a lot of stuff in between. That is the athletic version of paperwork. Our understanding, in Hollywood at least, of how this all works, I don’t recall seeing a ton of paperwork scenes, John. Do you?

**John:** No. Actually, in Clueless, one of our favorite movies, there is a lot of paperwork. She comes in and she helps out with highlighting through the depositions or something.

**Craig:** Which is disturbing.

**Ken:** As a rule of thumb, for every minute that something dramatic is happening, you spent two hours, at least, preparing for it.

**Craig:** But at least those hours earn you money.

**Ken:** Sometimes, yes, that is true.

**Craig:** Sometimes.

**John:** Now, Ken, we’re gonna get into scenes in movies and television that involve lawyers and involve the law. But I’m curious, from your side, how much of your decision to become a lawyer was based on seeing it on screen? How much of your early impression of it and your interest in it came from seeing it on screen?

**Ken:** I think I started, I just wanted to be a lawyer because my dad was a lawyer and I admired him. He was a trust and estates lawyer for his whole career, and I definitely did not wind up doing that. That was my sense. Then yeah, stuff like LA Law, which was our era, and movies like To Kill A Mockingbird and things like that, those influenced it. But most of what I learned about what being a lawyer is actually like didn’t start happening until I had jobs in college or after law school.

**John:** One of the discussions that actually prompted having you come on this podcast was we were talking about Anatomy of a Fall this last year, which was such a great movie and is a French legal courtroom drama. Watching that movie as an American, you’re just going crazy, like, how are they allowed to do this? All these rules, things we’re expecting from the American system are just not happening there. As we get into lawyer scenes, I guess we should stress that we’re really talking about the realities of the U.S. legal system, because stuff’s gonna be different any place else. This is not necessarily gonna apply to our British listeners, our French listeners, our Australian listeners.

**Craig:** Noticeable lack of wigs. You don’t have to wear a wig, do you? It would be nice if you could, Ken.

**Ken:** No, I do not.

**Craig:** Dammit.

**Ken:** I’m going in bald these days. Here’s the thing though. Most dramatic presentations of the law are so far from reality that you might as well have them be commentary on law in France or Burkina Faso or whatever you want to choose, because the delta is not meaningful, because there’s such a huge difference between the way it really works and the way you make it work on screen.

**Craig:** It sounds like we’re nailing it over here in Hollywood is what Ken’s saying.

**John:** That’s what he’s saying is we’re being 100 percent accurate.

**Ken:** But I’m okay with that. The way I see it is, it’s an art form and it’s completely different than the medium it’s describing. It’s like if someone says, “How come the movie isn’t like my favorite book?” I understand, because it’s a different medium. The same thing is, if you’re gonna depict legal stuff, it’s a very different medium than a transcript, and so you’re gonna cut out all the horrible, soul-destroying parts.

**John:** But Ken, it must be somewhat frustrating when you encounter a new client who has an expectation of how this is all gonna go, having seen legal stuff from Hollywood all these years, and then you have to confront them with the reality of what it’s really gonna be like.

**Ken:** Yes, although often, the clients have a better sense by the time they get to me.

**Craig:** Because they’re recidivists or… ?

**Ken:** Sometimes, yeah. The people I represented when I was on the Indigent Defense Panel, people accused of drug crimes, violent crimes, immigration crimes in the federal system, who couldn’t afford a lawyer, they understood. They’d seen it before, and they didn’t have any illusions about it.

The way people tend to consume it based on what they’ve seen, it’s not so much they have these movie-style expectations about the way the case works. What you’ll find is privileged people, affluent people who went to college and grew up in a good neighborhood and have never been in the system before tend to experience the system as conspiratorial. They tend to think, “This criminal case they brought against me, someone must have it out for me. The DEA himself must have it out for me. There’s a conspiracy, because I cannot conceive of any other way that I would be treated like this,” whereas the guy I’m defending in his third bank robbery is, “Oh, this is exactly the way it works. I’m getting ground through the system again.”

It takes a while for people to realize that it’s not just that the courtroom isn’t exciting as it is on a 42-minute TV show, but that the process is a lot more Kafka-esque. And it’s hard to accept that this is the way they’re treating people all the time. In fact, they’re probably treating most people worse than you.

**Craig:** The lawyers that you run into, I’m guessing both working for the state or fellow defense attorneys, are probably nowhere near as interesting, flamboyant, explosive, tricky, articulate as the lawyers we’re seeing on television and movies, but perhaps are better served by their paperwork skills.

**Ken:** Let’s not leave attractive off that list.

**Craig:** Yes, of course.

**Ken:** Yeah, absolutely.

**Craig:** Just lots of Tom Cruises moving through the courtroom.

**Ken:** Exactly. Eight out of 10 criminal defense attorneys keep their court jacket in the trunk of their car and look like it. There are a lot of characters, actually. I find trial lawyers tend to be more character-ish than people who mostly do paperwork, just because you have to be, and the system guides you to be. There’s a lot more regular, “This is my job. Not every minute is on camera and funny or dramatic,” than you expect.

**John:** As you start talking through these tropes, I guess we’re gonna mostly focus on criminal stuff, but point out when there’s differences between how a criminal and civil case might work for these situations.

Let’s think about a classic start of any criminal trial or any criminal procedure is that this person has gotten arrested. One of the very first things we hear is the Miranda rights. “You have the right to remain silent.” Can you talk us through what the realities are of a person’s rights and what a person should be doing, what that person who is arrested should be doing versus what we see them doing in movies and television?

**Craig:** Can I make a prediction?

**John:** Please.

**Craig:** Ken is gonna say, “Don’t talk to the police.”

**Ken:** Yeah, but also don’t talk to the FBI.

**Craig:** Don’t talk to anyone, really.

**Ken:** A lot of my clients are white-collar accused people. They’re in a position where someone comes to the door, knocks, and says, “Hey, we’re from the FBI. We just have a few questions.” It’s not happening when they’re getting arrested. That’s true for most white-collar crime. You first find out there’s a problem when people start coming up to you and saying, “Hey,” the whole Columbo shtick, which is very accurate, by the way, the way Columbo would just be, “I just have this one question. You know this isn’t a big deal. Why would you be worried about me?” Totally law enforcement.

Law enforcement loves to put you at ease, make you think there’s nothing wrong here, you should just talk. But you shouldn’t. Whether you’re the guy who’s just got arrested a block away from a bank robbery that just happened or you’re the CFO of a publicly traded company whose stock has taken a nosedive and the SEC shows up at your door and they want to ask you a few questions just over coffee, both times you should shut up and talk to a lawyer, because you don’t know what’s going on. You don’t know your known. Unknowns are unknown unknowns. You probably don’t know the law. You may not even know if you’ve committed a crime. You probably don’t remember all the details of the things, because you haven’t immersed yourself in them yet. You have not looked through the emails or the documents or that type of thing.

Very little good can happen from you saying, “I need to talk to my lawyer.” The trick here is people think, “But if I do that, then they’re gonna arrest me,” or, “If I do that, they’re gonna be suspicious of me.” Possibly true, but the truth is, that reminds me of the argument, “I don’t want to wear a seat belt, because if I drive into a lake, I want to be able to get out easily.” It’s that kind of thinking. You’re protecting against something that’s a lot less of a risk when you’re saying, “I don’t want to make them mad.” The big risk is that they are incredibly good at getting you to say things that are against your best interest. Overwhelmingly, the best thing to do is to shut up.

**Craig:** That’s something that I didn’t know as a kid until a television show came along: NYPD Blue. That was the first time I had seen cops complain about people lawyering up. They basically were giving you a cheat code. All the cops ever complained about was the idea that somebody would lawyer up. “We gotta get in there and get this guy to talk before he lawyers up.” All I concluded – what else could I conclude from that show other than lawyer up?

**Ken:** That’s right. Actually, that’s an area where Hollywood and movies or TV gets remarkably close to the way it really is. All those depictions in all those shows of the box and you’ve got the perp in the box, you’re gonna sweat him, that is actually pretty realistic, all of the different techniques you see. There’s probably not quite as much violence anymore as you see portrayed. But pretending to be their friend, conning them into talking, all of that is absolutely classic. That’s what they do.

**John:** Now, at some point, Ken, you are brought in, and you are their lawyer. Can you talk us through that first meeting? Because I think that’s a very classic scene we’re also seeing is that first time the lawyer is talking with their client. The questions of, are you meeting them in prison or in jail? What is the boundaries of attorney-client privilege? How much can they feel free to say to you during those moments, even if they haven’t specifically hired you at that moment? That first meeting, what are the crucial things that we’re seeing or not seeing in scenes?

**Ken:** Sure. I’ve done all of those circumstances. I’ve met them the first time in jail. I’ve met them by the phone or Zoom, in person, all those things. If they are consulting me to consider hiring me, then our communications are privilege. I can’t reveal them. There are very few exceptions, one being if they’re currently controlling a bomb that’s about to go off, something on that level, they’re imminently about to commit a violent crime. Other than that, it’s completely privileged.

You obviously have to be very careful about your location. You don’t want to be talking in a crowded restaurant. You have to be careful who’s in the room with you, because that can disrupt the privilege if there are other people in the room with you. You don’t want to be someplace where you can be overheard.

But generally, my message is always, “Okay. I need you to tell me everything that happened. I need you to tell me the whole truth. We’re gonna start slow.” But that’s absolutely key. That’s controversial. You see this all the time in TV and movies. They say, “Don’t tell me what happened,” the implication being, “I want to be able to lie for you.”

There is a rule that as an attorney you can’t put anyone on the stand to lie. You cannot knowingly solicit perjury. If the client tells me, “I was in France,” I can’t put them on and instruct them to testify, “I was in Mexico,” something like that. But that problem is vanishingly small compared to the problem of not knowing all the true facts. Most cases settle. Of the ones that go to trial, few criminal cases have defendants testify. I would say less than 20 percent. To be deliberately telling your client not to fully inform you of the full facts because of this tiny chance that someday you may want them to testify at trial and say something different is a complete misreading of the situation.

**Craig:** You’re gonna want your client to say, “Yeah, I absolutely murdered my wife.” You kind of need to know that.

**Ken:** Yeah, I do.

**Craig:** The other question I have in regards to this first meeting – it’s very typical in television and movies, if the defense attorney is either the hero or the villain, when they show up they have this attitude. They always have this attitude when they walk in, like, “Okay, stupid cops. Beat it. I’m here.” When you show up in jail, at the police station, wherever you may be, if you are interrupting that process, how do you deal with the police, knowing that they’re looking at you with either suspicion or frustration?

**Ken:** My favorite iteration of that is probably from Fish Called Wanda. But generally, when you meet with a client, you get put in a separate room. You get put someplace where you can consult in private. Generally, you can rely that those are not being recorded in there, although some types of crime, some types of things, I would not have the full conversation there.

There’s rarely that cinematic, the cops are glaring at you. Usually, you’re not dealing with the cops who investigated and arrested. You’re dealing with sheriff’s deputies who are working in the jail or something like that. That type of thing doesn’t often happen. The time when it sometimes happens is when you get a call and your client’s business is being searched by the FBI and they’re sitting out on the curb. Then you roll up and the agents are all around. Then it can be a little awkward. But it’s the job.

**John:** The other scene I can picture is this guy comes home, his wife is murdered on the floor, he calls his lawyer first and then calls the police. The lawyer’s there at the actual crime scene when the crime is first being investigated. Is that a thing that actually really happens, where someone would call the attorney before calling the police?

**Ken:** In a manner of speaking. I haven’t encountered that in a murder scenario. But all the time in white-collar cases you encounter, “Are we gonna go to the cops with this? Are we gonna self-disclose that we’ve just discovered that our COO has been cheating customers?” or something like that. That is a very common strategic question faced by attorneys: do you self-report and hope to get out the best?

I value clients who call me and let me know something is going badly at the first available opportunity. Unfortunately, all these good decisions I’m suggesting that people make are not the norm, even for really smart people. I had a client in here the other day who said, “They asked to talk to me, but I said I need to talk with my attorney. And they say, ‘Are you sure? We just want to clear some of the things up.’ I said, ‘Yes, I’m sure, but I’ll have my attorney talk to you.'” I said to him, “Would if offend you if I said I want to kiss you right on the lips?” because that is so rare and it just warms my heart. When clients do that, I’m thrilled. Too often, part of what you get when you get the case, in criminal cases or civil cases, is that the client has already run their mouth or tried to fix things or tried to make things better.

**Craig:** Now you’re in trouble.

**Ken:** And it’s made your job harder.

**John:** Another thing we see at this stage is sometimes a lawyer taking a case that’s outside of their area of expertise. You have known thing that you’re really good at, but if a difficult real estate deal came or if somebody who was normally a corporate attorney but they’re accepting a murder trial.

**Craig:** Let’s say you’re a guy from Brooklyn who happens to be in the South and your nephew gets pinched for murder.

**John:** For example.

**Craig:** What do you do then?

**John:** Are there rules about what kinds of attorneys can’t even do what kinds of jobs, or basically, if you pass the Bar, you can do that kind of case?

**Ken:** For the most part, yes. There are a few specialties where you have to be specially licensed, but generally, you can blunder in and screw up anybody’s life in any field of law. I am very careful about not taking on areas of law that I don’t know. I will tell clients, “If you want to do that, you’re gonna have to pay me to learn the law in this area. I don’t think you want to do that,” because I’ve seen how people going and not knowing what they’re doing can be dramatically bad. Having experience both in federal and state court, for instance, I’ve seen how competent, experienced state criminal defense attorneys wander into federal court and it’s a completely different world and they don’t know what they’re doing. They can just cause complete havoc, very bad for their client.

I had a client not that long ago who was in some skirmish with a neighbor. They got something from the city attorney’s office calling for them to come in for an office meeting to talk about it. They went to the real estate lawyer, who thought he was smart and says, “Ignore it. You would never talk to them.” Real estate lawyer doesn’t know that an office meeting is a city attorney thing where they basically mean, come in, we’re gonna have you shake hands, and we’re gonna send you off and dismiss it. And so instead, he got charged, because he didn’t go to the office meeting.

You gotta know what you’re doing. You have an ethical obligation to be reasonably competent at the area where you’re practicing. Criminal is one of the areas where you can make things much worse very quickly. I’m very much against people blundering where they do not belong.

**John:** No My Cousin Vinny for Ken. He’s ruining movies.

**Craig:** It sounds like, but also, he’s foreclosing the possibility of a great television show. Hear me out. Do you remember those wonderful shows where itinerant heroes would just wander peripatetically from place to place?

**Ken:** B.J. and the Bear. Kung Fu.

**Craig:** Highway to Heaven. Kung Fu. There’s tons. They would roam the earth like dinosaurs, Drew.

**John:** Reacher does the same thing today.

**Craig:** Actually, Reacher does, although it’s a season.

**John:** A little more limited.

**Craig:** It’s not week to week. Highway to Heaven, he would literally be like, “I’m done.” The Incredible Hulk.

**John:** Totally.

**Craig:** My idea is that kind of show but with a bumbling lawyer. Every week he wanders into a new town, encounters a new case that he’s completely unqualified for.

**John:** I love it.

**Craig:** Blows it completely and then is like, “Meh, did it again,” and just moves on. Ken, any chance that that would-

**Ken:** I could see it work as a farce. I love My Cousin Vinny. It’s a great legal movie, because it’s entertaining. It gets some things surprisingly right. Some of the expert cross-examination stuff they show law students. Was it a good idea for this dude who had never done a trial before to do a criminal trial? It was absolutely not a good idea.

**Craig:** Wow, except hold on a second, because his beautiful girlfriend understood about Positraction, so that part worked.

**Ken:** The other thing is you’re not gonna have Marisa Tomei with you when you’re looking to step in [crosstalk 00:23:11].

**Craig:** You probably won’t have Marisa Tomei. I guess that’s true.

**John:** Ken, you brought up ethical issues. Can we talk about conflict of interest? Because you taking on a certain client, you have to disclose your conflicts of interest there. What might those conflicts be?

**Ken:** A few of them are you can’t represent people in the same case, where their interests conflict, unless you have a knowing, intelligent written waiver from them. Typically, you’re not allowed to represent two defendants in the same trial, because they may want to point the finger at each other. It’s very rare for you to be able to do that. In civil cases, it’s much more common to represent multiple defendants in the same case. But you always have to get an elaborate waiver from them, saying, “I understand all these risks and downsides.”

There can be problems where someone wants me to sue a former client, which I won’t do. Generally, you can’t represent one client against another current or former client if you might have gotten relevant secret information from that former client. There are all sorts of rules like that. When you have a personal financial stake in what’s going on, you can’t do it. There are often ways to get waivers from clients. Sometimes there’s not. The judge gets to make the ultimate call about whether or not it’s right.

It’s something you really have to watch out for. When you have a harmonious group of people who want to hire you, and obviously they want to hire one lawyer and not pay for five lawyers for the five of them, things can go south very quickly when they stop being harmonious. When that group gets angry at each other, then all of a sudden you’re hoping that you did the conflict waivers right.

**Craig:** The collection of dingdongs around Donald Trump constantly backbiting at each other. What a wonderful clown party that is to watch. But the other conflict of interest that we tend to see in movies and television are lawyers sleeping with each other.

**John:** I was gonna say, is it a conflict of interest if you fell in love with your client?

**Craig:** Or a client. Oh, god.

**Ken:** First of all, ew. Second of all-

**Craig:** That’s just based on your client [crosstalk 00:25:18].

**John:** Absolutely. You don’t have Sharon Stone as your client?

**Ken:** Believe me. You could have the most attractive client in the world and spend an hour talking to them and you may not want to sleep with anyone ever again. Most State Bars have rules about carrying on romantic relationships with clients. It’s sometimes not classified as a conflict-of-interest issue, although it could be. But it’s generally, in most states now, considered unethical and improper, because it clouds your judgment. They can’t make the right decisions about whether or not to get a new lawyer. Their judgment is clouded. But of course, it’s a trope in fiction forever, and that’s because it does happen and you see it. And it quite often winds up very badly.

**John:** I want to circle back to this idea of representing multiple parties, because I think to Succession, and as the Roy family starts suing each other, one of the things that comes up again and again is, are you going to join this bigger group or have your own lawyer? The smart people seem to have their own lawyer.

**Ken:** Yeah, particularly if you’re the weakest person in the group. If the corporation is in the face of a criminal investigation and they hire one lawyer to represent the CEO, the CFO, and Jimmy the janitor, Jimmy may take it in the shorts, because most of the attention is not gonna be given to him. He has a reason to worry that they’re not gonna be looking out for his best interests or alerting him when a real conflict of interest comes up.

There are always problems in situations where there are all sorts of conflicting loyalties and things like that. That’s why you have to very carefully analyze who the clients are, what their relationship is, to what extent are they going to want to point the finger at each other to defend themselves in this case, and how can we deal with that. That comes with very frank early conversations with clients, which is difficult, because – and this is something we should talk about – clients lie.

**John:** Let’s get into that, because that’s also a trope of these stories is that the lawyer, very deep into how it all goes, realizes there’s a whole separate thing that they’ve not been told about.

**Craig:** Richard Gere shows up and he’s like, “What about the book and the videotape and all that?”

**John:** Or Edward Norton is actually a psychopath.

**Craig:** Edward Norton, he didn’t do anything wrong, and then he did.

**John:** Yeah, and then he did.

**Craig:** Then he didn’t, but then he did. Then he didn’t, he did. But you catch your client in a lie. What is that? Is that a confrontation? Does it get sparky?

**Ken:** It can. It depends on the nature of the lie. The thing is, clients lie, not because clients are bad or because these are evil people involved in crime and civil disputes. Clients lie because people lie. People particularly lie when they’re scared and under stress and upset. The people I meet are scared and under stress and upset. They’re often embarrassed and humiliated by what’s happened. They’re trying to figure out what’s going on. They’re trying to wrap their mind around it. It takes a while for them to get a comfort level with you so they’ll come completely clean.

Think about it. How many people do we all really be completely transparent and nakedly open with about things? Probably a lot of the time, not even our spouses or best friends or confessors or whoever. It’s not human nature. It can take a lot of work to get the point where the client is comfortable doing that. Some of them never get all the way comfortable. Some of them can’t admit out loud they’ve done something. Sometimes they lie, and it causes me problems.

I’ve had clients lie up and down after I’ve given them the whole speech for hours, and it’s had bad impact on the case. I’ve had clients lie in the first meeting and I found out an hour after I left. And I fired them, just because I didn’t want to deal with it. Every attorney knows this. I represent humans in bad positions. People like that take a while to get around to being able to tell me the truth.

**John:** Circling back to the article from The New Republic that Julia Turner sent through, one of the things interesting is Stephen Glass is working as a paralegal, and one of his jobs was, as new clients came in, he was the person who first talked them through this is how it’s all gonna go. He fully disclosed, “I was fired for doing this terrible thing where I made up all this stuff and I lied.” He spends a lot of time explaining how he lied and how it was a bad thing, and in the belief it actually got the clients to be more open and transparent about what stuff was actually happening. That’s also his point of view on the whole thing, so he may be doing some fabulism right there.

**Craig:** Possibly.

**John:** But your ideal client would just sit down with you from the first meeting and say, “Here is everything. I am holding nothing back,” correct?

**Ken:** My idea is that anything that’s remotely complicated, that it’s gonna take a lot of meetings. I’m gonna set the table with the first meeting by explaining how important this is and going through some stuff. Then we’re gonna go through it in more detail. I’m gonna take the measure of the client. This is something you learn over the course of this career over decades. Take a sense of them, how long it’s gonna take to romance the truth out of them. Sometimes that gets right; sometimes that gets wrong.

The things you see in movies and TV, it’s very classic, it’s almost a cliché, I think, where the defendant has told them some of it, but then there’s one aspect they haven’t told them. They say, “I was embarrassed. I thought you wouldn’t believe me.” That’s very real. That happens frequently, where they’ve told me 80 percent of it but not the other 20 percent or something like that. That’s again just human nature.

**John:** In these initial setup things, and before we get to any trial or any sort of settlement, talk through some possible escape hatches. Spousal privilege, like the idea that you cannot be forced to testify against your spouse, is that a real thing? What are the edges of that? Because you see this in movies and TV.

**Ken:** This is a great Bar Exam question. There are two spousal related privileges. One is a spousal communications privilege. That means I can prevent my wife from testifying about a confidential communication we had during the course of our marriage. The other is testimonial privilege. That’s my wife can’t be compelled to testify against me while we’re married, not that she would need to be.

**Craig:** She could choose it though.

**Ken:** Exactly. She could [crosstalk 00:31:58].

**Craig:** Certainly, your wife would.

**Ken:** Yeah. They would have to say, “No, you’ve testified enough, Ms. Harbers. That’s enough.”

**Craig:** “Please sit down.”

**Ken:** Those are real things. They actually do come up all the time. They come up in context like taking the deposition of a husband or wife and asking them about something that their spouse said to them. That can be under the privilege. Things like that. Those are real things. Those come up. Those are usually evidentiary issues that come up at trial or during the discovery process.

**John:** You bring up evidentiary issues. One of the things we also see in movies and TV is where the attorney or Matlock’s assistant goes out and does some digging around and finds out the truth and does some investigation. How much investigation, discovery, and evidence gathering is actually typical and allowed and commonplace in the kinds of cases that you’re taking?

**Ken:** My types of cases, quite a lot. Now, in criminal cases, you’re supposed to be getting discovery from the government. They’re supposed to be turning over stuff. But you will definitely do your own supplemental investigation, whether it’s having people interviewed or researching records or whatever it is, depending on the nature of the case.

I learned very early on how important that was. A very early case I had when I got out of the government was a young guy who had been arrested while doing a summer at a prestigious college. He gets arrested for having meth and a gun in a drawer in his bureau in the college dorm room. He says, “It’s not mine. Someone must’ve put it there.” I’m like, “Yeah, sure, kid.” I hire an investigator to investigate the roommate, because the parents have the money to do this. Come to find out the roommate just got out of jail for stealing things from other people at this prestigious college and blaming it on other people, trying to frame other people for the crimes.

**Craig:** Wait a second. Hold on.

**Ken:** I went and I used that information, because this guy who did that was the one who turned my client in to the police, said, “Look what I found in the drawer of the bureau.” I brought that to the DA. I said, “Your witness is probably gonna be taking offense, but I’m gonna make mincemeat out of him.” They wound up giving my client a deal, a diversion program, stay out of trouble for a year and no charges.

That’s an example of why you have to learn to investigate things, even if you’re dubious, because the thing about these cases and this system is you can get so worn down and so into a rut that you can stop seeing people as individuals, stop believing their stories, just see them as a statistic. I’ve seen this case a million times before. It always plays out like this. Lose your edge that way. You’ve gotta keep your edge. You’ve got to always make the inquiries and put in the work to do that job for your client.

**John:** Let’s talk about who’s doing that work. You said you hadana investigator. Is that a private investigator, or is that classically a person who’s licensed to do that, or is it someone else who’s working for the firm? Who does that?

**Ken:** It depends on the case and the type of law. Typically, criminal cases, we have private investigators we have relationships with. A lot of them are ex-journalists or ex-federal agents, things like that. They’re good at wheedling information out of people, that type of thing. There’s not a lot of gunplay with them, but there’s a lot of tracking people down and talking to them, getting them to talk. We have different investigators for different types. Sometimes they’re in-house; sometimes they’re not. It really depends on the occasion.

Civil is often very different, because civil discovery is a lot more active. You’re sending formal demands to the other side. You’re entitled to do things like demand they produce particular documents or answer questions or sit for a deposition. You have a lot more leeway of how you investigate in a civil case.

**John:** Let’s say that you’ve talked to the client. You see what the case is laid out before you. Before you would go to trial, there’s some discussion of reaching a settlement. Are you the person who reaches out with, “Hey, let’s sit down and talk this through.” When something comes to a settlement before trial, what’s tended to happen?

**Ken:** It very much depends on the type of case and how serious it is. Your run-of-the-mill misdemeanor or petty felony, probably at arraignment they’re gonna tell you the offer. If you show up on a DUI, they’re probably gonna tell you this is the standard offer for first-offense DUIs. They’ll tell you that at the first appearance. Other cases, either you approach the prosecutor, or the prosecutor approaches you, say, “Are you interested?” There’s the dance of pretending, “No. I’m taking this to trial, but just for the sake of argument, what are you offering?” It’s a lot more formal and complex in federal court. A federal plea agreement is just monstrosity, 20 pages long. It’s a lot more informal in state court.

But the bottom line is usually one side or the other suggests, “Can we talk about it?” That’s really just a matter of schedule management. If you’re the prosecutor and you have 20 cases set for trial, you want to figure out which one of them is gonna go, and so they’re gonna want to make inquiries. If you’re a defense lawyer, you know that if someone’s gonna plead, the earlier they plead and possibly cooperate with the government, the more credit they’re gonna get, the more lenient sentence they’re gonna get.

**John:** A thing we saw out of Georgia was the use of racketeering laws, and so where you’re rounding up a bunch of people and you’re putting them all together on trial as one big thing.

**Craig:** Ken loves RICO, by the way.

**John:** Yeah, loves it. I listen to your podcast, so I know RICO is one of your favorite things on earth.

**Craig:** I like when he says he did a RICO.

**John:** In those situations, there could be a real benefit to being the first person to turn on the rest of the group. As the attorney representing that individual person, you’re looking at everybody else around you, and it feels like there’s a prisoner’s dilemma aspect to that as well.

**Ken:** Sure, there is. It’s not just RICO or really complicated cases. Any multi-defendant case or any case that’s connected to a larger investigation, if you can say, “My guy’s gonna come in and tell you everything,” and you’re the first in the door, then you’re gonna get the very best deal. In state court, that means allowed to plead to the most lenient thing with the most lenient recommendation. In federal court, it means allowed to plead to a lesser set of charges with a better sentencing recommendation in a more complex way.

The thing is that, yeah, it’s always a prisoner’s dilemma. You know that everyone in this situation is trying to find the least terrible way out of it. You always decide who’s gonna jump. A lot of the time, cases like the one we see in Georgia with Donald Trump and in similar cases, you have what’s called joint defense agreements. Those are agreements among the lawyers for the defendants. What they agree is that, “I’m gonna share information about what I learned from my client about this case and this situation. You’re gonna share yours. And we all agree to keep it confidential among ourselves and not disclose it.” And if anyone starts to cooperate, then they have to leave the group.

The point of this is to preserve the attorney-client privilege. The idea is that normally the attorney-client privilege only applies to a confidential communication. But the idea is if you talk to a group of people that has equal obligation to keep it secret, then you haven’t taken it outside the circle of privilege. That’s very common. In there, someone will say, “We’re leaving the group,” and then you know, okay, they’re about to cooperate, something like that.

But yeah, all the time. And usually in white-collar cases, it’s a lot more friendly, collegial. A lot more information is exchanged. Less of that in drug cases, violence cases, things like that. It’s a little more cutthroat. But yeah, that type of thing, that type of maneuvering is absolutely real.

**John:** Despite your best efforts, there’s no ability to reach a negotiated settlement. Talk us through what are the steps before we get to trial, what kind of things we would see before we get to trial.

**Ken:** Usually, when you’re getting ready for a trial, you have to put together all the exhibits that you’re gonna use. You have to have a witness list. Often, you’re required to propose jury instructions ahead of time. Those are crucial, because that’s where the judge tells the jury what the relevant law is. You’re gonna file a trial brief pointing out the legal issues that are gonna come up at trial.

Probably most crucially, you’re gonna be filing something called a motion in limine, meaning a limiting motion. That’s a motion saying, “Judge, this piece of evidence is illegal. You should keep it out. This piece of evidence is too inflammatory. You should keep it out. You should let me bring in this piece of evidence.” The motions in limine are incredibly important, because they can completely shape how the trial goes by what evidence is allowed to come in and what evidence isn’t allowed to come in. Before you’re picking that jury, we’ve alighted tons of work that’s very paperwork-intensive, very boring to show on film, but actually has a huge influence on how the case comes out.

**John:** Now let’s talk about – you’ve gone through all the evidentiary hearings. You’ve figured out what stuff is gonna get eliminated. Can you talk us through the jury selection process? What is that actually like? What do we see on film versus what the reality is?

**Ken:** It can go anywhere from super simple to super complicated. There are judges, particularly in simple cases, who do it lightning fast. The judges do all the questioning themselves, don’t let the lawyers talk to the jurors. I’ve known judges where you can have a jury picked in half a day. There are other cases, particularly cases that are gonna be super long or complicated, where you might have to do preliminary work. You might have to do something called qualify the jury. This RICO case against Trump and his pals in Georgia is such a one. Jurors are gonna get questionnaires saying, “Hey, would you be available for the next 9 to 12 months to sit in the uncomfortable chairs?”

**Craig:** Totally available. Wait, is it for RICO? Then yes.

**Ken:** Also, “Have you ever heard of Donald Trump? Do you have opinions about him?” That type of thing.

**Craig:** Who?

**Ken:** Bigger, more complicated cases, there will be screening of the jurors. Then there’s disputes over who gets to ask questions of the jurors. Some judges want to do it all themselves, because when we lawyers do it, then it’s called voir dire. We’re really doing two things. One is we are questioning the juror to find out whether we think they’re a good juror or not, but another is we’re developing a rapport with them and showing them themes of our case, like, “Ma’am, would you agree that if someone is standing there and a guy runs up with a knife that you might think he’s danger and might have to defend himself?” That type of thing. You’re trotting out your themes. You’re starting to get them thinking about who the people in the cases are. You’re making yourself hopefully entertaining or at least palatable to the jury.

Then you just go through, and different courtrooms have different ways of doing it, but generally there are jurors that you ask the judge to get rid of for cause, meaning that the judge strikes them because there’s some legal cause they shouldn’t be a juror, like they really can’t speak English well or they said that, “My dad’s a cop. I couldn’t be fair,” something like that.

Then you generally have what are called peremptory challenges, which are challenges that you get to use in your discretion to knock people out. You’re not allowed to use them based on race or gender or prohibited characteristics like that, notwithstanding that of course it happens all the time, particularly from the government. You’re using your sensibility. Who’s gonna be a good juror for me, who’s not. If you’re a prosecutor or if you’re the defendant in a case where the plaintiff’s asking for a lot of money, you want a solid citizen, someone who doesn’t believe in handing out money, someone who works for their money, someone who’s respectable, somewhat conservative, that type of thing. If you’re the defendant in the criminal case or the plaintiff in the case, it’s the other way around. You’re looking for people.

It’s totally an art and not a science. There are all sorts of shows about how it’s a science and you can attach electrodes to them and stuff like that and do it scientifically. My wife watches some of those, and I’m not allowed to be in the same room, because it agitates me almost as much as NCIS. I’m not allowed to be in the same room because of the comments I make.

**John:** Because what you’re seeing is that it does not reflect reality at all in terms of the ability to micro-slice who these people are?

**Ken:** No. There are people who make tons of money doing it, but I am super skeptical of that. I think it’s dousing, basically. I think it’s [unintelligible 00:44:56].

**Craig:** There was an entire movie about – was it Rainmaker or something like that? It was the Coppola movie where it was an expert to figure out exactly who should be on the jury using their mind powers. Basically, you’re just getting people that said that they would be available for nine months. There are certain things we can all conclude.

**John:** Maybe a speed round here. I want to talk a little bit about courtroom etiquette, because there’s things we see a lot in movies and television.

**Craig:** I object.

**John:** Talk to us about “I object.” Talk to us about objections and talking over objections. What does object mean and what are the edges of the reality of objection?

**Ken:** There’s a sliding scale of the formality of objections. The low end is a local, state court, and the high end is federal court. I always do it as if I’m in federal court, because then I can’t screw up. To do it properly, you stand up, you say, “Objection,” and then briefly the basis, “Hearsay.” The judge rules. What you’re not supposed to do is say it from a seated position. You’re not supposed to go off on a speech.

**Craig:** Objection.

**Ken:** “Objection. He knows he can’t do that. Since the beginning of time, the laws… ” That’s a speaking objection. You’re supposed to do it briefly. It’s a rule often broken. You’re not supposed to make a lot of bogus objections just to throw somebody off. Judges will eventually call you on that, and the jury will see it.

**Craig:** Has a judge ever said to you, “I’ll allow it, but watch yourself, counselor.” That seems to be in literally every – judges are constantly allowing objections but saying, “But I’ve got my eye on you.” Is that a thing?

**Ken:** If they were gonna say something like that, it would probably be at a sidebar, outside the hearing of the jury. That’s something that does happen. But no, they don’t put it like that in front of the jury. They might say, “I’ll let you ask a couple of questions, but get to the point quickly.” Something like that.

**Craig:** “Where are you going with this?”

**John:** Something that frustrates Craig and I – is begging the question actually a legitimate objection? If someone says, “Objection; begging the question.”

**Ken:** It is not a legal objection. I think actually-

**Craig:** It’s a mistake of thought.

**Ken:** … “states facts not in evidence” might be the right… Let’s face it; 90 percent of people use “begging the question” wrong anyway.

**Craig:** 90 percent is a very low estimate.

**Ken:** I discovered, to my dismay, having been married for nearly 30 years now, that being able to use “begging the question” correctly drives literary people wild. If I had known this in my early 20s, it would’ve been a completely different social scene for me.

**Craig:** Absolutely. No question. It’s a very narrow group of people, very curious group of people. Peter Sagal over there at NPR I think is the king of the movement.

**John:** Here’s a question for you. I see in movies and TV where the attorney seems to be addressing the jury rather than addressing whoever is on the stand. That’s a no-no, correct?

**Ken:** Unless it’s an opening or closing statement, correct, you’re not supposed to address the jury. And the judge will yell at you if you do that sort of thing.

**Craig:** What about that sly look over to the jury? Are you allowed to do that?

**Ken:** The thing is you want to be careful about that, because you might not be as irresistible to the jury as you think you are. One of my partners did a trial against the SEC. About midway through the trial, the jury sends out a note saying, “Can you ask the lawyer from the SEC to stop looking at us? He’s creeping us out.”

**Craig:** Oh, man.

**Ken:** Kind of sunk in his chair for the rest of the trial. It’s a bit of a blow to his ego. You want to be careful with that. If I’m cross-examining something and they’re being really argumentative or not answering the question, I will mug a little bit for the jury. I’ll roll my eyes and look in their direction, make eye contact, that type of thing. But you want to do it sparingly.

**John:** A thing we see in movies and TV is forceful gavel banging, where the judge is banging to get people to shut up or stuff. Is that a thing that you’ve encountered in your real life?

**Ken:** The only time I’ve seen gavels used is to open a session. I’ve had judges pound on the bench, one memorable occasion, to punctuate, “Mr. White, no, you may not.” But it’s pretty rare. Judges will yell, but banging on things, that type of theatrics, not so much anymore.

**John:** You brought up sidebar. Tell us, what conversations should be happening in sidebar that probably too often in our scenes are happening in front of the jury and everybody else?

**Ken:** Stuff that is not clear whether it’s admissible or not, and it might be prejudicial. Let’s say that we’re in a trial and the attorney questioning the witness starts getting into an issue of whether they’re having an affair, and it has nothing to do with the subject matter of the case. You would ask to speak at sidebar, because you don’t want to spell out to the jury, oh yeah, we don’t want you guys to know about the client having an affair, because you might treat them badly. Things like that where the judge may decide the jury shouldn’t hear about this are typically done at sidebar. All sidebar really is is a mechanism to keep things going, because it takes forever to troop the jury in and out of the jury box, and so you don’t want to send them all back into the room, because then you waste 15 minutes.

**Craig:** Maybe you should try directing a scene with 100 extras, my friend.

**Ken:** I’m sure. They’re probably better behaved than jurors.

**Craig:** Possibly.

**Ken:** It’s a way to do things. And it frustrates jurors, I think. Again, you don’t want to be constantly going up to sidebar, because the judge will start just telling you no. You gotta use it sparingly.

**John:** Great. We’re in trial. One of the cliches we see is people who decide to represent themselves at trial, which I’m sure for you is terrifying. What are the realities? If I got accused of a crime, I’m allowed to do that, right, even if I don’t have any background in law?

**Ken:** You are. Actually, it’s kind of tricky, because the judge has to give you sufficiently full explanation of why it’s really stupid to do that. If the judge doesn’t, you might have an appeal later. “I didn’t realize how stupid it was.” But the judge can’t prevent you from doing it, unless the judge finds basically that you don’t understand what you’re doing or not competent or something like that. It’s threading the needle for the judge.

It’s almost always horrific for the person. I’ve heard it described as a slow plea. This isn’t rocket science, what I do, but there’s a lot of things to it. You gotta know how to do it. You gotta have learned how to do it. If you’re just throwing it in, you don’t know the jargon, and there’s lots of jargon. You don’t know the rules. Just getting something into evidence, understanding what it means to lay a foundation for a piece of evidence so it can be admitted into evidence is something that you have to learn. It’s generally terrible. Usually, people wind up making things much worse.

**John:** Let’s say we’re in trial now. You’re gonna have witnesses up on the stand. You might have your own client, which for good reasons you probably won’t put your client on the stand, but you might. There are gonna be other witnesses that you’re gonna be putting up there. What kind of preparation can you do with a witness, are you allowed to do with a witness, if it’s your client, versus if it’s somebody else? What are the edges of what you’re allowed to do there in terms of getting them ready for it? There’s limits to how much you can coach them.

**Ken:** Let’s take non-clients first. You can absolutely talk to non-clients, unless they’re represented by a different attorney. You can ask them questions. You can say, “Do you mind if we go through the questions I’m gonna ask you?” You might even use the word “practice,” depending on how friendly they are. You can go through. You can ask them.

I’m careful. I don’t tell them, “It’d be better if you didn’t say that. It would be better if you said this instead.” I try to be more subtle and say, “Let me ask you about that answer. My impression was X, but you’re saying Y. Can you explain how I have it wrong?” They eventually get to maybe they were wrong. When they realize they were wrong, they clarify it. Whatever.

You can’t tell them what to say, and you absolutely can’t tell them to lie. But there’s a fair amount of leeway in going through their testimony in advance. And everyone does it. You can believe that federal prosecutors, before they put someone on the stand in Sam Bankman-Fried’s case, have gone through the questions with that person two to five times.

**Craig:** Debate prep.

**Ken:** Exactly, exactly. With a client, it’s different, because it’s protected by the attorney-client privilege. You cannot put the client on the stand to lie. You cannot knowingly elicit perjured testimony. That’s why that thing we discussed before, this trend where some lawyers say, “That’s why you’d never ask the client what happened and you’d tell them not to tell you yet, so it doesn’t prevent you from putting any story on they want,” to me, that’s absolutely lunatic, because you can’t defend them. You can’t know what the defense is. You can’t organize the case, know where the pitfalls are, unless you know what happened and what they know.

**Craig:** That does seem like a terrible strategy, like, “Look, the deal is we’re just gonna black box this thing. I’m gonna put you on the stand. You’re gonna say some stuff. That’ll probably work.” What do I need a lawyer for?

**Ken:** The thing is, this is a real thing that some lawyers do.

**Craig:** It’s crazy.

**Ken:** I watched a debate that turned into basically a screaming match between Alan Dershowitz and a different professor 30 years ago in the trial skills class I took, where they were arguing over this very thing, whether or not you stop the client from blurting out stuff, prevent them from locking themselves in. This is one of the few times you’re on Alan Dershowitz’s side. It’s lunacy not to get every piece of information you can get out of the client. The downside of not being able to get them to lie is comparatively extremely minor.

**John:** Let’s talk about witnesses. Prosecution and defense are both going to, I guess, provide a list of the witnesses they’re going to bring, so that both sides can prepare. But in movies and TV, we’re constantly seeing surprise witnesses, like, oh my god, this person we thought was dead is now coming to sit on the stand. What are the rules around witnesses who were not previously announced and scheduled?

**Ken:** Generally, that doesn’t happen. It’s rare for it to happen. It’s rare to find out that someone you didn’t know before – especially civil cases. In civil cases, you’ve had years of written discovery, where each side has been telling the other, “Name every person in the universe who has knowledge about this case and that you’ve decided to depose them or not,” and then you’ve made a witness list for trial and all those sort of things. Showing up and saying, “Oh, I’ve got a new guy,” usually is not gonna go over well. There’s gonna have to be some pretty convincing reason that you could not have found them before for the judge to let that happen. The more important they are, the more that is the case. The same with evidence. Unless you can really show you couldn’t have found it without due diligence earlier, then it’s gonna be very hard to get it in at trial.

Now, one way that can happen is if the other side reveals something for the first time. Then you’re allowed to rebut. The things about disclosing evidence generally don’t prevent you from keeping a few things back for your rebuttal case. If the other side has lied, as they often do, calling them out as liars. That’s tricky, and you might not get the opportunity to do it. But that is not common.

**John:** We’re talking about witnesses and evidence, but sometimes in films and TV, the lawyer themselves is demonstrating something to the jury. It could be as part of the closing argument or something else that happens. You mentioned To Kill A Mockingbird. Atticus Finch throws a glass at Tom to prove that he’s left-handed. Is that a thing that could actually happen in real life?

**Craig:** You’re gonna throw glasses in the courtroom?

**Ken:** It could happen, but the judge would blow their stack.

**Craig:** You’re saying even if you asked your client to put on some gloves in front of the jury and they didn’t fit-

**Ken:** That’s different. When Atticus Finch throws that cup, the client catching it in one hand is not testimonial, and the client’s not under oath. There’s an implicit, “Here’s how I do things,” but it’s not under oath and it’s not subject to cross-examination. That’s why it’s inappropriate. You could get a client who is on the stand to demonstrate something, with the judge’s permission there, and you can get them to say, “Yes, I’m lefthanded.” The judge probably is not gonna let you surprise them in the middle and throw something to them. Generally, anything that looks super cute or gimmicky probably is gonna get you yelled at by the judge.

**John:** But what is the actual impact of being yelled at by the judge? Is it causing a mistrial? Is he then giving jury instructions? What actually happens? What is the consequence?

**Ken:** I love this question, because it’s so much of what you learn over the course of the practice. You don’t want the judge to yell at you in front of the jury, because the jury’s gonna become convinced that you’re a bad person and you’re doing bad lawyer things, unless the judge is kind of an asshole and the jury is sympathetic with you.

Once upon a time I tried a case as a prosecutor where the judge was being super mean to the rookie defense lawyer and yelling at her and beating her up and generally being a bully, and the jury was looking sympathetic to her. I was thinking, okay, this could go badly. They could “not guilty” just out of sympathy. I was pretty young. I thought, “I have an idea. I’ll make the judge yell at me too.” This was a judge who was famous for yelling. I wandered into the well in the center of the courtroom. I spoke from a seated position. I called them “Judge” instead of “Your Honor.” Before long, he was yelling at both of us. Then the young public defender comes over and says to me, “I know what you’re doing,” and she steps in. Arguably, this is where it went off the rails a bit. But by the end of the day, the guy is bright purple. Usually, you don’t want to do that sort of thing.

Here’s the thing about judges yelling. If it’s not in front of the jury and if it’s not impacting actual rulings, you’ve gotta learn to deal with it. Judges yell. Judges are human. They deal with a lot of stress. Some of them have personalities. You want to learn more about the bite than the bark.

When I have young associates I supervise and a judge is getting mean or they’ll worry the judge is gonna get mean, I refer them in the end of Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, where Brad Pitt’s character shoots the Nazis’ aid, because he’s so mad that the Nazis-

**Craig:** You’ll be shot [crosstalk 00:59:24]. More like chewed out.

**Ken:** I’ve been chewed out before.

**Craig:** I’ve been chewed out before.

**Ken:** I’ve been chewed out before.

**Craig:** Chewed out before.

**Ken:** I’ve been yelled at by judges before, and I’ll be yelled at by judges again. You just deal with it.

**John:** A trial happens. We’ve gone through all – it could be months. It could be short. But ultimately, there’s a verdict. That verdict becomes the title of many movies. That is the moment of closure for this whole experience. What do you see in movies and TV that get it right and what are the things that frustrate you about how they get it wrong about verdicts?

**Ken:** They get it right in terms of dramatically. They make it a good close to the story. In real life, you have appeals. You’ve got post-trial motions. Most times if you win a big civil jury award, the other side is gonna file a motion-

**Craig:** To reduce it.

**Ken:** … for a new trial, a motion to reduce it, a motion for judgment notwithstanding, blah blah blah blah blah.

**Craig:** Paperwork.

**Ken:** Yeah, there’s always a lot of paperwork. We see this with all the stuff in the news right now that Trump is going through, where there are these big judgments and now he’s posting bond so that he can appeal them without being collected on. Sentencing can often be quite dramatic. Usually, that does not happen at the time of the verdict. It’s another time. That could be a good moment for drama.

It’s certainly stomach-wrenching when you’re the defense attorney standing next to your client who’s gonna find out how long they’re gonna be in jail, and when you worry about what your client’s about to say, because one dramatic part about sentencing is that they always ask the client – the client has a right to allocate, to say something. This is an absolutely terrifying, piss in your pants moment for the defense attorney, because clients, no matter what, if they’ve been convicted, they feel it’s unfair. And if they express that, it goes badly.

I’ve seen clients, even though they were exquisitely prepared, go from probably they were gonna do community service to jail, by talking about what a victim they are in all of this. Client in that moment can make it much worse. You really have to sit on them and make them not express how they’re feeling, because how they’re feeling is a victim.

**John:** But I want to be clear here. If they were to confess to the crime or admit guilt in that moment, that is evidence that can be used against them in any sort of future appeal. They obviously don’t want to say, “I did it, but just be merciful on me.”

**Ken:** It wouldn’t be used against them in an appeal. The problem is more if they demonstrate lack of contrition or if they make their image in the judge’s eyes worse. If you’ve pled guilty in particular, you don’t want to get up there and suggest you don’t think you really did anything wrong, because you pled guilty. Like we saw recently, Sam Bankman-Fried’s sentencing, the judge found him very not remorseful, because of his personality and the way he talks, and that probably contributed somewhat to the sentence.

**John:** Ken, as we wrap up here, are there any other aspects of law as portrayed on film and television that we haven’t talked, that you want to make sure that our listeners, who are mostly writers, are aware of?

**Ken:** Sure. Entertainment gets some things right. Trial lawyers, criminal lawyers, terrible divorce rates, lots of alcoholism, lots of drug abuse, lots of mental health problems, suicide rate that looks like a Latvian phone number, it’s all really terrible, and it’s a high-stress job. So when entertainment portrays people as suffering through it, that’s actually fairly accurate. They are. There are people out there who are just unflappable and seem to have no problems getting through it. I always suspect they’re just in their office sucking off some huge bong to be that mellow going through this, because-

**Craig:** Or killing cats.

**Ken:** … it’s incredibly stressful. That part gets right. Gets wrong” objections. Objections are a big part of most legal TV shows and some movies. I would be almost happier if you didn’t even try, unless you have a lawyer actually tell you what a real objection is or not, because that’s another thing that takes me way out is when it’s a completely stupid nonsense objection and the response is completely nonsense. I would say it would be worth it to ask a lawyer about the objections. You could still make them dramatic. You could make good ones. But some ones, every lawyer watching is gonna go, “Oh, Jesus Christ.” And then my wife says, “Shut up. Shut up.”

**Craig:** I’ve heard her say that.

**John:** Ken, thank you so much for all this legal stuff. Let’s get to our One Cool Things. Craig, you have a One Cool Thing here I see in the Workflowy.

**Craig:** Yeah, this is really in honor of you, Ken. There is a category of videos that every now and then, when I’m feeling a little sad, I turn on and watch, because, god, it makes me feel great. There’s hundreds of them compiled all for your enjoyment. Just google “sovereign citizens getting owned.” It is so much fun. Are you familiar with this, John?

**John:** I have no idea what this is.

**Craig:** Sovereign citizens are dipshits who subscribe to a theory that they aren’t really people under the law, that the United States as currently constituted is some sort of admiralty or maritime law thing, that they aren’t really a person but a corporation. It’s endless reams of nonsense. Inevitably, they will get pulled over for speeding or their tags are expired or they’re in court for a misdemeanor, a traffic problem, or something more serious, and they begin this nonsense talk. It goes so bad for them so quick every single time. There are people who sovereign citizened their way into like, this cop was gonna give you a $25 parking ticket and now you’re tazed and you’re going to jail. They’re so stupid. Apparently, the one thing about sovereign citizens is they don’t watch these videos, because if they did, they would stop it. Anyway, if you want to see people representing themselves pro se, being idiots, saying nonsense, having judges roll their eyes and go, “I literally don’t know what you’re talking about,” just go ahead and google “sovereign citizens getting owned.” It’s a joy.

**Ken:** I’ll echo that.

**John:** Excellent.

**Ken:** Sovereign citizens, you have to think of them as really, really committed legal furries. They’ve got this persona. They’ve got the costume. They’ve got the lingo. They’re super into it, no matter what consequence it has on living their lives.

**Craig:** They’re so into it. They think they know the law. You’re seeing somebody reading this, and you’re like, “What?” They like Latin.

**John:** Of course.

**Craig:** They love Latin, but they don’t know why. It’s wonderful.

**John:** It’s excellent stuff. My One Cool Thing is something that was very useful for me this past week. It’s called LibreOffice. It’s a multi-platform app you can find for Windows, for Mac, for everything else, that I would never actually use as a word processor. You could use it as a word processor. But it could just open anything. You can throw any old file type at it, and it seems to be able to open it. I have these old, right now, files for pitches that I did in the ’90s, and it’s the only thing I could find that could open it, but it opens it beautifully. I discovered like, “Oh, that’s right, this is one I was pitching on Highlander in the ’90s.” I can now pull up that old Highlander pitch.

**Craig:** You can finally read that thing. Can we do some research? I feel like LibreOffice was one of my One Cool Things at some point a while ago.

**John:** It totally could be.

**Craig:** Dig it up. I’m so rarely ahead of the curve. It’s almost always that I say something, John’s like, “That was my One Cool Thing two years ago and you said it was stupid.”

**Ken:** Craig, my cohost doesn’t listen to me either, so this is-

**Craig:** Good company.

**John:** The book Less, you had recommended it, and then three years later I recommended it, and we found out it was great.

**Craig:** There you go. Every now and again.

**John:** LibreOffice, I would never actually use it as my main word processor.

**Craig:** I do remember something like that being an open-source thing, just because Microsoft Word is so goddamn annoying. I do have a bunch of old files. I don’t even know what they are at this point.

**John:** Exactly. I throw it on and see if it happens. The thing I’m probably most frustrated, I used to use Movie Magic Screenwriter, and that’s actually a binary format.

**Craig:** It’s dead.

**John:** It’s dead, hard to open.

**Craig:** Gone.

**John:** Ken, do you have a One Cool Thing to share with us?

**Ken:** I do. Obviously, your listeners are podcast fans. I’m a huge history podcast buff. I love them, particularly when I’m commuting or on trips or things like that. I’ve just been having a blast with a podcast The Rest is History. It’s two British historians, one of them named Tom Holland, not the Spider-Man one, the other one, and the other one named Dominic Sandbrook. They have a real great rapport and chemistry. They are really knowledgeable of a wide variety of things. They delve into a huge range of different historical things. Each podcast is maybe a half an hour, 40 minutes long, perfect for a commute. Sometimes they do deep dives that are multiple episodes about something, like the background of the Titanic or JFK assassination or whatever. But they have a real love for the subject. They have a great way of conveying the similarities between these people in history and us and seeing the common threads.

They’re great at conveying how the values of historians that have told us about this stuff, how those impact how the story gets told and why you have to discount some things, because you can’t listen to the Greeks talk about the Persians, because they have all these stereotypes and that overrides everything. Stuff like that. I find it endlessly entertaining. They’ve got a huge back catalog. I’ve been listening to this nonstop on commutes for six months and enjoyed every minute of it.

**John:** Absolutely. While our listeners are adding podcasts to their players, they should also be adding Serious Trouble, the podcast you do with Josh Barro. Is it every week?

**Ken:** It’s 45 weeks a year, roughly.

**John:** That sounds good. I find it just terrific. It’s Ken talking through the cases of the day, which has been phenomenal. I’ve learned so much on your podcast.

**Ken:** Thank you.

**John:** Everyone take a listen to that.

**Ken:** Thank you.

**John:** That is our show for this week. Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt. It’s edited by Matthew Chilelli. Outro this week is by Lou Stone Borenstein. If you have an outro, you can send us a link to ask@johnaugust.com. That’s also the place where you can send questions. You will find the show notes for this episode and all episodes at johnaugust.com. Also where you’ll find the transcripts and sign up for our weekly newsletter called Inneresting, which has lots of links to things about writing. We have T-shirts and hoodies. They’re great. You’ll find them at Cotton Bureau. You can sign up to become a Premium Member at scriptnotes.net to get all the back-episodes and Bonus Segments, like the one we’re about to record on beach vacations. Ken White, an absolute pleasure having you on the show.

**Ken:** It was a joy to come. Thank you so much.

**Craig:** Thanks, Ken.

[Bonus Segment]

**John:** Craig, so let’s pretend that you’ve finished delivering Season 2 of The Last of Us, and now you can take a vacation. You can go to Mexico and sit on a beach for a week. Is that something you’re aspiring to?

**Craig:** Absolutely not. Let me count the reasons why. First of all, sitting outside under the sun, which some people really seem to like to do, is simply getting radiated. That’s what you’re doing. Everyone’s terrified of radiation. Fukushima happened. People in California were like, “Don’t eat fish anymore. It’s coming.” I’m like, the ocean is swallowing up this amount of radiation. It will never reach you. But you are gonna get radiated when you get in a plane and fly to San Francisco, and you will absolutely get radiated if you sit outside. That’s what sunburning and suntanning is. It’s a response to radiation. A, no.

B, sand. Much like Anakin and whatever, I hate sand. It’s coarse. It gets everywhere. It’s annoying. The ocean is disgusting. It stinks.

**John:** It’s a fish toilet.

**Craig:** It’s a fish toilet. I’ve been scuba diving in the ocean ocean. That’s wonderful. But where the ocean hits the land, gross. Sewage. A lot of just garbage and plants. There’s little tiny crabs that pinch at you. It’s nasty.

D, four, the other people who are at the beach are horrible, because they’re beach people. They’re all like, “I gotta get there and I gotta put my blanket down,” a blanket which turns into a weird loincloth within seconds on the sand, so there’s no reason to be there at all. Everyone smells like that gross suntan lotion, which is just offensive. People are drinking for some reason at the beach, so now they’re being radiated while they’re getting drunk. Beach food is gross. Beach music is awful. That stupid fricking country/Caribbean Bahama Jimmy Buffett nonsense, horrible. Other than that, great day.

**Ken:** John, are you with me that that’s pretty much exactly what you expected if someone asked you what is Craig Mazin gonna say about whether he likes the beach?

**John:** Will Craig have a prepared rant about beach vacations?

**Craig:** Oh, no, it was not prepared.

**John:** But we can predict it.

**Craig:** I assure you that was entirely off the cuff. I just went through my mental library and put myself on the beach and then started to complain.

**John:** Absolutely. Ken White, a beach vacation or let’s say any sort of poolside vacation, so we can get rid of the sand and some of the other objects.

**Craig:** Oh, pools.

**John:** Ken, talk us through that. Appealing or not appealing?

**Ken:** It’s appealing to me, mixed with other things. I like vacations where we’re doing some stuff but there is at least some lounging and drinking and relaxing. My wife increasingly is not happy unless she has climbed at least one mountain a day. This is a point of contention with us.

**Craig:** Huge problem.

**Ken:** It’s true that I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t just lie around for seven days. I go crazy. I like a good vacation with a mix, some of which is drinking things I shouldn’t, eating things I shouldn’t, while lying on a hammock and reading or watching terrible things.

**Craig:** Now, a hammock, that’s not at the beach. I get the idea of being in the shade or being in a hotel room or a spa even. Look, I have a lot of core shame issues, so if I’m not working, I feel like I’ve done something terribly wrong. Also, I think HBO needs me to keep working, so they think I’m doing something terribly wrong. But I get the concept of vacations. Don’t get me wrong. It’s just the beach. You don’t like the beach?

**John:** I don’t like the beach at all. I’m the palest person on earth. All of the objections you’ve raised, I have raised as well. One of my actual biggest phobias is being trapped somewhere like in the beach or in Santa Monica without a hat.

**Craig:** Oh, god. You know and I know and Ken knows, but Drew don’t know. Maybe one day, Drew, if you’re lucky, you’ll know. It’s the worst. My head will start burning. I also get this thing. Do you guys get this when you go to a restaurant and they’re like, “Let’s go outside.”

**John:** The heat lamp.

**Craig:** The heat lamp. No, you’re not, because my head will burn.

**John:** Sizzle.

**Craig:** They don’t get it.

**John:** They don’t get it.

**Craig:** A lovely woman with this beautiful head of hair is like, “What’s the problem?”

**Ken:** I think the hair issues are a whole other episode.

**Craig:** We need to talk about being bald.

**John:** I think we’ve talked about it some.

**Craig:** More.

**John:** More.

**Craig:** More.

**John:** More bald. I’m not good with just the chill-out vacation, where you go to a place and you sit, you don’t do anything. I do need a certain minimum number of activities. That’s why sitting poolside, even if I’m in the shade, I can only read my book for so long. At a certain point, if I’m just reading a book or playing Hearthstone on my iPad, why am I not at home?

**Craig:** Why are you spending all this money? If I could go to a place where there’s a beautiful resort, lovely room – we’re married. We’ve all been married for a long time. Not you, Drew, but one day. Just having sex in a different place is nice, for a change. There are great dinners and things. But then also you could go play D&D or you could go solve puzzles or you could go do the things that other people like to do. I don’t know what those things are. But if I could just do the things I like to do while also on vacation and getting all these lovely services around me, that would be great. But I can’t. Instead, what happens is you go on vacation and you have to walk around, go to a museum, take picture and take picture.

**John:** Gotta prove you were there.

**Craig:** So many goddamn pictures. For what?

**Ken:** Then there’s the whole issue of traveling with kids, which is a very different experience.

**Craig:** Thank god ours are grown.

**Ken:** Kids are assholes. Depending on what age they are, different types of assholes.

**Craig:** I love them, but yes.

**John:** The closest I came to enjoying a chill-out vacation I would say actually was in Hawaii at the Aulani, the Disney resort there, because if you go there with a young kid, you can drop them off at the kid play area and just like, “Bye. I’ll see you in six hours.” That was actually [crosstalk 01:16:39].

**Craig:** Very expensive, very effective babysitter.

**Ken:** See, that is the only thing that would ever get me on a cruise, the concept that you can just leave them with some-

**Craig:** Oh, god.

**Ken:** … group of ne’er-do-wells who like-

**Craig:** I would send them on the cruise. I finally got – and this is a hard thing for Melissa, but she got there with me. We would go on vacation with the kids. Especially if we went somewhere where the time zone shifted dramatically, let’s say it’s Europe, they’re tired, they’re cranky. They don’t want to do the list of – because Melissa’s very much a guidebook, do the list of the things. I’m more like a, let’s just randomly walk around and see what happens. The kids were like, “I don’t want to leave my room,” or, “I just want to be on my computer, my iPad,” whatever. It would drive her nuts. My whole thing was, fine. If you want to stay in your room and do nothing, I would gladly pay for that, for the privilege of being able to walk around with my wife somewhere and not listen to your nonsense. I’d pay double.

Finally, we went on a vacation, the last time we went on a vacation, all four of us, to Europe – it was a couple of Christmases ago – I was just like, “Just leave them in the room.” And it worked great. It was awesome. It was amazing. Leave them in the room. That’s my advice.

**John:** I’ve never taken a cruise, but I’m considering taking, because as we’ve established, I’m bad on boats, and I have the same motion sickness problems you have, so I’m gonna be testing out the motion sickness stuff, because my extended family is talking about doing an Alaska cruise. That’s actually an exceptional make, because it’s difficult to visit some of those places in Alaska by land. On a boat there, that makes sense.

**Craig:** Those boats aren’t gonna rock you too hard, but the patch.

**John:** The patch.

**Craig:** Problem solved. You will not have the sickness problem.

**John:** Ken, a cruise, yes or no? Thumbs up, thumbs down?

**Ken:** There has been talk about doing an Alaska cruise, and seeing something that amazing might get me on the boat. I’m not a fan of legionnaire’s disease, but I might risk it for those purposes. The problem is, again, we’re at the point where my lovely wife, Katrina, is such a hiking badass that probably is gonna be – we’re gonna cruise to this new location, and when I wake up, she says, “Okay, we’re walking 12 miles straight up a peak called Hiker’s Doom.” “Okay. That sounds like fun.” I’d be a little worried about surviving it.

**Craig:** I think you’ll be too busy having diarrhea in a cabin that’s eight feet by four feet.

**John:** Yes, that.

**Craig:** That’s what cruises are to me. I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever go on a cruise. Ever.

**Ken:** Oh, but I have just the one for you, Craig, because there’s this Australian billionaire who just announced that he’s doing a complete replica of the Titanic.

**Craig:** Oh, great.

**Ken:** It’s gonna be an anti-woke Titanic. No vaccinated people.

**Craig:** Wait. Sorry.

**Ken:** No vaccinated people.

**Craig:** Sorry. I love this anti-woke Titanic. First of all, I love the idea that the original Titanic was kind of woke, because it allowed, what, the Irish on board. But I like that you compare the inevitable rotavirus with a total lack of vaccination and proximity to people who would be attracted to something called the anti-woke Titanic, a boat that sank.

**Ken:** I think you have a real shot at getting smallpox to come back with one of those, so I think it’s worth a try.

**Craig:** If anything were to ever get me on Team Iceberg, I think we’ve found it.

**John:** Craig and Ken, thank you so much for a fun episode. I will see you both and D&D tonight.

**Craig:** Thanks, guys.

**Ken:** See you later. Bye.

**John:** Bye.

Links:

* Ken White on [BlueSky](https://bsky.app/profile/kenwhite.bsky.social), [Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/people/Popehat/100057614584451/) and [Threads](https://www.threads.net/@kenpopehat)
* [Serious Trouble podcast](https://www.serioustrouble.show/podcast)
* [The Popehat Report](https://www.popehat.com/) by Ken White
* [Hello, My Name Is Stephen Glass, and I’m Sorry](https://newrepublic.com/article/120145/stephen-glass-new-republic-scandal-still-haunts-his-law-career) by Hanna Rosin for The New Republic
* [LibreOffice](https://www.libreoffice.org)
* [Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82JqvIozLk4)
* [The Rest is History podcast](https://therestishistory.supportingcast.fm/)
* [Get a Scriptnotes T-shirt!](https://cottonbureau.com/people/scriptnotes-podcast)
* [Check out the Inneresting Newsletter](https://inneresting.substack.com/)
* [Gift a Scriptnotes Subscription](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/gifts) or [treat yourself to a premium subscription!](https://scriptnotes.supportingcast.fm/)
* Craig Mazin on [Threads](https://www.threads.net/@clmazin) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/clmazin/)
* John August on [Threads](https://www.threads.net/@johnaugust), [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/johnaugust/?hl=en) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/johnaugust)
* [John on Mastodon](https://mastodon.art/@johnaugust)
* [Outro](http://johnaugust.com/2013/scriptnotes-the-outros) by Lou Stone Borenstein ([send us yours!](http://johnaugust.com/2014/outros-needed))
* Scriptnotes is produced by Drew Marquardt and edited by [Matthew Chilelli](https://twitter.com/machelli).

Email us at ask@johnaugust.com

You can download the episode [here](http://traffic.libsyn.com/scriptnotes/638standard.mp3).

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