Scribble version, final version
In my post on How to write a scene, I showed the “scribble version” of a scene as an example of the process. In hindsight, it was a little unfair to show the bones and not show the body. So here’s the scribble version again, followed by the final scene. On real paper, it runs exactly two pages.
Scribble version
- DUNCAN waiting edge of seat
- ITO
- I was one of the doctors who worked on your wife
- accident
- injuries severe, trauma team, sorry, couldn’t save her
- (sits, reflex)
- nature of injuries, concern fetus wouldn’t survive in utero. paramedic able deliver caesarian boy healthy
- (nodding not hearing)
- nurse can take you to see him, know a lot to handle
- what
- a lot to handle
- take me to see him?
- yes
- see who?
- your son. paramedic was able to
- (grabs clipboard)
- I know this may seem
- My wife wasn’t pregnant
- Your wife didn’t tell you…
- My wife has never been pregnant. been trying three years. fertility clinic last week
- I examined the baby myself. nearly at term.
- I don’t know whose baby, not hers.
Full scene
- INT. ER WAITING ROOM - NIGHT
- PAUL DUNCAN, 38, sits on the edge of his seat, vigilant. He watches every DOCTOR and NURSE who passes, waiting for the one who will talk to him.
- Finally, he notices the TRIAGE NURSE speaking with a doctor, GERALD ITO. The coordinator hands him a patient folder, then gestures towards the waiting room. Duncan stands as the doctor approaches.
- Ito speaks with a practiced calm, making horrible news sound straightforward:
- ITO
- Mr. Duncan, I’m Dr. Ito. I was one of the doctors who worked on your wife.
- DUNCAN
- They said she was in an accident.
- ITO
- Her injuries were severe. The trauma team did everything they could. I’m sorry. We couldn’t save her.
- Duncan nods. He wasn’t expecting to hear she was alive, but he had held out some hope.
- Almost by reflex, Duncan sits down. Ito joins him.
- ITO (CONT’D)
- Because of the nature of the injuries, there was concern the fetus wouldn’t survive in utero. The paramedic was able to deliver the baby by Caesarian section. It’s a boy. Healthy and stable.
- Duncan just keeps nodding. It’s not clear how much he’s hearing.
- ITO (CONT’D)
- If you’d like, in a few minutes, I can have a nurse take you up to see him. Or if you’d like to wait, I understand. This is a lot to handle.
- Duncan looks at the doctor strangely.
- DUNCAN
- What did you say?
- ITO
- I said, this is a lot to handle all at once.
- DUNCAN
- (confused)
- You would take me to see him?
- ITO
- Yes.
- DUNCAN
- See who?
- ITO
- Your son.
- (patiently)
- The paramedic was able to deliver the baby your wife was carrying. He’s healthy.
- A beat. Duncan suddenly grabs the folder Ito is holding. He checks the name: Pamela Lynn Duncan. What’s more, her driver’s license is clipped to the file.
- ITO (CONT’D)
- I know this may seem unreal. A dream. That’s very common in a situation like…
- DUNCAN
- My wife wasn’t pregnant.
- Choosing his words carefully…
- ITO
- Your wife didn’t tell you she was pregnant?
- DUNCAN
- My wife has never been pregnant. We’ve been trying for three years. We were at the fertility clinic last week.
- Trying to remain calm…
- ITO
- Mr. Duncan, I examined the baby myself. It looked to be nearly at term.
- DUNCAN
- I don’t know whose baby that was. It wasn’t hers.
Why this scene? Well, I picked it because it’s pretty self-contained, and doesn’t feature any characters who had been set up earlier. It’s also an example of how the purpose of a scene is what you need the audience to learn, not necessarily your protagonist. The hero is not even in the scene, and these two characters never appear again.
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January 12th, 2007 at 6:09 am
Yeah, I use scribble versions all the time, though this is the first time I’ve used the term.
It’s pretty much just a function of getting an idea down so it’s not forgotten, I think. And not just the idea, but the idea exactly how plays inside your head at that moment. There are moments, i find, when you play a scene in your head and it “clicks” and as long as you get down certain guide posts in writing (or on a voice recorder), then you can safely let it sit and return to it at a later time.
And actually, my entire outline usually is just a bunch of scribble scenes placed in order in a word document. When I write, I’ll have the script and the word document open and just go back and forth bewteen the two.
Works pretty well, i think.
January 12th, 2007 at 7:03 am
Is this a scene from The Nines, or just one written for the exercise? Either way, it’s got me creeped out. Very unsettling.
January 12th, 2007 at 7:23 am
Yeah, if this isn’t in The Nines it should be in something, very intriguing. It’s interesting to see the difference between the scribble version and the final script, thanks for showing us John.
January 12th, 2007 at 8:04 am
Thanks so much for this, John.
One thing I’ve long wanted, is seeing the changes in the process of writing. (I’m lucky if I find static steps.)
This helps a lot.
– Dave O
January 12th, 2007 at 9:19 am
Wow. Fascinating scene. What film is this from?
Thanks for including both versions. Very helpful in getting some insight on going from draft to final version!
Cheers, MRA
January 12th, 2007 at 10:33 am
In response to DAVE OLDEN:
I agree it helps to see what gets cut out/changed in the editing process. I often buy scripts from scriptcity (scriptcity.com)– you can request an early version of the script if they have it and you’ll be amazed at the stuff that gets edited and swithed around even in the so called “Final Draft version.” I highly recommend it.
I usually pick a movie I cared enough to see several times in a theater, wait until the DVD comes out, and spend an afternoon follow along from movie to script page, taking notes.
The scripts are printed out as real script pages (not high quality, glossy shooting scripts with pictures… for $19, I think)
I’m sure there are other sites available for these type of scripts, too.
January 12th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
This leads me to a question about craft. I have heard that it is a no-no to include sub-text type direction directed at actors in screenplays: i.e. if what you are writing cannot be clearly shown on screen don’t write it in your screenplay. Similar to including camera directions in a spec.
Examples from these two pages that break this rule:
I guess my question is how do you know when it is OK to give that extra bit of explanation that isn’t easilly visible on screen. My guess is that Mr. August either has the trust of this director to insert these directions or he is himself the director (in which case we’ve just previewed the nines) or it is perfectly OK to do enter the characters head in describing a charaters state of mind in a scene (as opposed to their outward expression) or I’ve totally misunderstood what I thought was a screenwriting axiom (highly possible :-).
But either way this scene rocks.
January 12th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
Hi John,
Thanks tremendously. This scribble scene/final scene is one of the best illustrations I’ve ever seen to demonstrate how scenes are constructed. And believe me I have a library full of Field, Mckee, and the other guru’s.
I think for me it shows you don’t have to be bogged down with perfecting and structuring a scene til you’ve worn yourself down. Get to the gist. Then structure it.
I’m a big believer in outlining and the beat sheet, and this is another technique I will add to the arsenal.
Thanks again. And good luck with “The Nines”
Mark
January 12th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
It’s not his baby and these two characters are never seen again? What in the Sam Hill is going on here?
Damn you August, will you never stop leading our curious minds on this merry dance of mystery?
January 13th, 2007 at 10:46 am
Like lippyone, I’ve been admonished for direction in action lines that includes more than visual specifics. Can you talk about description such as: “He wasn’t epecting to hear she was alive…” Obviously, you’ve included it, and you’re the pro! But is it only acceptable once you’ve ascended the rungs and ranks of the profession? Or have lippy and I been getting bum info? Thanks!
January 13th, 2007 at 11:22 am
Lippyone/alison:
I think you’ve been getting bum advice, or at least, over-applied advice. There are certainly descriptions that are verboten in a scene: “Max’s shirt smells like cinnamon and wood smoke.” Generally, the rule is that if it’s impossible to see or hear it, you can’t use it.
But I would add that it’s okay to include something if it’s a playable moment for the actor, which all three of the examples you cited are.
He watches every DOCTOR and NURSE who passes, waiting for the one who will talk to him.
The first half is action. We can see it. The second half is playable. It’s describing the specific intention/motivation for why he’s watching the doctors.
Ito speaks with a practiced calm, making horrible news sound straightforward:
That’s playable.
He wasn’t expecting to hear she was alive, but he had held out some hope.
Again, playable.
Also, keep in mind that because these two characters are introduced in the scene, I’ve probably gone further in building the moment than I would for already-established characters. There’s so little information to work with — the characters have no backstories — that their specific actions become a lot more important.
January 13th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
That makes sense and is very liberating- though I won’t use it liberally.
January 14th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
Thanks for breaking that down, John! Very helpful!