Blood stains and clown pants
I had a hunch there would be a lot of entries to the second Scene Challenge, but by the hammer of Thor, I never expected 162.
It’s taken hours to go through them, winnowing it down from a list of 25 to ten to the winner. There were so many solid entries that I found myself needing to stick pretty closely to the rules: it had to be about a guy picking up his clothes at a dry cleaner. This standard led me to ding entries that felt more like a laundromat than a dry cleaner. It also sidelined many scenes that created a fascinating situation but weren’t really about The Guy himself.
Believe me, I enjoyed the riffs on what a dry cleaner could be. A couple of times, I found myself thinking, “Yeah, I’d see that movie.” But since the competition was about introducing a character, the winning scene had to be about The Guy, not The World.
After a final battle between several really strong contenders, I ended up picking two that were very similar, each of which had aspects I really liked. The first is by Craig Ugoretz:
- EXT. DRY CLEANERS – DAY
- An ornery, ancient Honda careens into the parking lot, screeching into a space. Out tumbles CLARENCE MALLOY, unshaven, egg-beater hair, stained wife beater. All that’s missing are the wavy smell lines.
- He struggles out of the car, trying not to let any balloons slip out, and ends up slamming the door on his clown pants. He always does that.
- INT. DRY CLEANERS – DAY
- Clarence scurries up to the counter, out of breath. The cashier eyes him, wary.
- CLARENCE
- I lost my ticket. But it’s Malloy, a clown shirt? Bosco stains? Oh, and, I’m in a bit of a hurry.
- He tries a smile. It misfires.
Let’s look at what Craig did. The second sentence gives us a bit of a visual on Clarence, but it’s the “wavy smell lines” that stick. Honestly, it was one of the few descriptors I still remembered after 100 subsequent entries. I like the balloons in the car, but it’s too easy to miss. Adding something more concrete around “balloons” would help slow the reader down, as would breaking it into shorter sentences:
- He struggles out of the car, trying not to let any of the 57 balloons slip out. He ends up slamming the door on his clown pants. He always does that.
The action inside the dry cleaners doesn’t do that much, though Clarence’s misfired smile is a nice touch. It could even be the end of the scene, if we were to cut to Clarence showing up at his next gig.
The second is by Danny:
- INT. DRY CLEANERS – DAY
- A dust cloud enters.
- It slowly clears to reveal JOE SMELLS, wearing quite possibly the first pair of clothes ever made, and they’ve certainly never been washed.
- SMELLS
- Have your rates dropped yet?
- The cashier shakes his head ‘no.’
- SMELLS
- How about coupons, or specials going on?
- The cashier rolls his eyes and points to a sign reading: WE DO NOT CLEAN CLOTHES YOU ARE CURRENTLY WEARING.
- Smells sighs. As he exits–
- SMELLS
- All right, I’ll check back later. Again. You should really think about changing your policies though. They make you look cheap.
Most of the heavy lifting is done by the dialogue, and it works well. Danny relies on a single description to set up the visual. I’d love to know an age, and at least one other detail to give me a picture of who this guy is. Since we need “first clothes ever made” to help tie us into the dry cleaners, I might break that off as a second sentence and add some more goodness right after JOE SMELLS.
- It slowly clears to reveal JOE SMELLS, 32, the most confident homeless man in Phoenix. He’s wearing quite possibly the first pair of clothes ever made, and they’ve certainly never been washed.
Congrats to Craig and Danny. I hadn’t meant to split the prize — but I hadn’t anticipated 162 entries, either.
Given the setup, I guess it’s not surprising that I had my pick of clowns, wary cashiers and stinky patrons. But there were a few other trends worth noting:
- “A, but not A.” You describe a character as being one thing, then immediately negate it. “Friendly, but somewhat aloof.” “Impeccably dressed, yet his tie is askew.” There’s nothing wrong with this technique, but you have to be careful that it doesn’t verge on impossibility. I kept waiting for a tiny giant to show up.
- Laundronoir. I guess it’s natural that blood stains would be a common theme, but I hadn’t anticipated so many tickets from decades ago.
- Past tense. Several of the early entries were written in the past tense, common to novels. Screenplays are always written in the present tense. But it’s nice to see some new contributors who haven’t been exposed to screenwriting trying their hands.
- Smell-o-vision. Along the same lines, screenplays can only directly describe things that can be seen or heard. If you’re referencing smell, a character in the scene needs to make the reaction: “Candace half-chokes on the smell coming off him.” Or at least make sure the reader knows that this is just for his benefit: “He looks like week-old roadkill, and probably smells like it, too.”
Again, there were a lot of strong contenders, so my congrats to the many readers who contributed. If you want to comment on a specific entry, be sure to reference it by number, because there are several duplicated names.
Articles
April 28th, 2007 at 11:42 am
You know, I stopped right after reading the opening sentence just out of respect to the mightiest of all gods – Thor. It has nothing to do with something but my love of Thor has informed my life absolutely to the point at which I consider hammers to be as cool as ninjas, pirates, gorillas, robots and the undead. Hammers FTW. Anyways, back to it…
April 28th, 2007 at 11:55 am
This was super fun!! I loved going back to read what others wrote. Thanks a bunch!
April 28th, 2007 at 11:56 am
Having read through all the entries, I’d be very curious to know which ones comprised the top 25 and top 10. And I will never go into my dry cleaner’s again without some newly formed, dark fears.
April 28th, 2007 at 11:58 am
This was great! Thanks!
And I agree it would be nice to see some brief analyses on the top 10 or 25. No time you say? What else have you got to do?
April 28th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
I liked Jay D’s (forgot the number)description that his character likely embarrasses his wife each Sunday. I also liked Scott #90–the description conjured up a solid image of the character.
Thanks for taking the time to read through all of these.
April 28th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
Aw, I forget check in for a few days and I miss all the fun. I hope you do something like this again, John. I’d love to have made it 163 entries.
April 28th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
I love “He always does that” from Craig’s entry. Until that moment, we don’t know if this is a guy we like or not. He could be Psycho-killer Clown for all we know. But when he gets his clown pants caught in the car door — again — we are instantly on his side.
April 28th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
Ah, dammit.
April 28th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Instantly imagined Jim Carrey playing Craig’s Clarence: big, over-exaggerated eye rolling and heavy sigh after slamming his clown pants in the car door. Again.
Very nice.
April 28th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
Thanks Arango, I appreciate it. The competitive and curious side of me wants to know if I was apart of the top 25. But I’m glad John had the contest. It felt like some good ol’ screenplay excercise.
April 28th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
In the end, this proves what the competition is like in the “screenwriting world.”
Lots of good submissions.
Lots of bad ones.
A few great ones that end up “winning the prize.” This time.
Next time, you win. Or me. Or whoever.
Chin up! Keep working!
April 28th, 2007 at 3:43 pm
John,
I entered, but since you said most entries will be pending and to send it a 2nd time, I didn’t reenter it when I did not see it:
INT. HILLSIDE CLEANERS-DAY
The scraggly OWNER, his shirt is untucked which fits nicely with his three day old stubble, is watching the TV. It switches from a sports segment, to a news segment, and is soon as it does, the Owner grows annoyed and turns away.
We stay on the TV on the scroll we see Hillside Burglar strikes again….
Owner is looking over his books, lots of red ink. A bell rings. He sees a customer, VINCE, enter and by his sudden jovial expression, we can tell the Owner likes this guy. He’s dressed well, dressed nice, who wouldn’t?
The Owner grabs Vince’s clothes, wrapped in plastic and hangs them up on a hook next to the register, as he rings him up.
VINCE How you doin’?
OWNER I get one more burglary, I’m done…
VINCE Sorry to hear.
OWNER Everything all right with you?
VINCE Got promoted. Work is going well. Always has.
The Owner smiles but as soon as he looks at Vince’s clothes, and his mood darkens, he turns to Vince:
OWNER Look, I don’t mean to…
VINCE What? Tell me.
OWNER It just…its just I found this, in the jeans.
The Owner plops a used, but thankfully dry used condom on the counter, then sizes Vince up.
OWNER And I don’t think you’re a size 2.
Vince fiddles with his wedding band, almost like a decision.
OWNER You wanna pay for the whole thing? Or…
VINCE I’ll get everything. I said I would.
Vince pays the owner and exits as he grinds his teeth, a wry determined look on his face.
Just as the door closes:
OWNER Hey, this is too much.
Owner fans out the money in his palm,: 40 bucks, for what it says on the register was a $23 bill. The Owner, now bemused, goes over to his desk, tapping the money in his hand, and looks at a lock catalog, then dials the phone. Busy. He puts the phone down. And turns on the TV, watching the weather, his face dull.
April 28th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
John, I enjoyed your picks this time around – worked, totally.
I still believe a few of us wuz robbed in the Masturbating to Star Trek contest and sulked through this one as a result . . . if I recall, the winner in that case didn’t follow the rules real stringent-like.
Yeah, I’ll own up to it, I’m ultra-competitive and a sore loser . . . my wife won’t play Xbox Tennis with me any longer as a result.
But I am in favor of gun control and gay marriage. So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice . . . :)
April 28th, 2007 at 4:30 pm
This was the best excuse I had for not working all week. Thanks John. And I also learned it was important to write and then re-write before submitting. The second draft was so much better – oh well. Lesson learned.
April 28th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
Let me start by saying I really enjoyed all the submissions and that I have not written one word of a screenplay. I only became interested in screenwriting a few weeks ago. I’ve read 2 books on the subject (Syd Field’s Screenplay and Blake Snyder’s Save The Cat) and been to several websites devoted to it. Two of which I subscribe to, this one and Jane Espenson’s.
I’m curious to know why the introduction of characters and character descriptions should be composed in such a literary and artful way. If the screenplay’s ultimate goal is to act as the ‘blueprint’ for the filmmaker then shouldn’t the description be just that .. a straightforward and to-the-point description without ‘hidden’ clues about psyche and history?
John your site is a fantastic resource. Thank you.
April 28th, 2007 at 6:43 pm
I think that every scene challenge is gonna have more entries than the previous one. Maybe it’d work better for you if, depending on your schedule, you would shorten or extend the deadlines.
April 28th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
I didn’t enter this round because of time concerns, but fiddled with the concept in the back of my head. What I found most interesting about both exercises is how unoriginal I am-slash-we are. How given the same set of conditions the same couple of basic hooks come up. It’s not just good enough to have the craft to polish those concepts, but you have to put the upfront effort to generate more ideas and potential directions in order to have the best and most unexpected material to work with.
When you’re looking at no less than 50 versions of the gag that you just wrote, and thought was hilarious, it’s very humbling.
April 28th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
To Erik Harrison:
I had the same first impression as you. I too had come up with concepts that were quite similar to others: the first thing I thought was to envision a guy who would arrive at the cleaners with the sole motivation of getting free clothes; I also came up with someone who was the perpetrator/witness of a murder/crime who showed up wearing blood. I tried a couple other character types and found they had already been described. I felt the same way as you that I was unoriginal and the examples of what I had wanted to submit were vastly inferior to what was already submitted. It wasn’t until I sketched an entire biography of my guy, and distanced my self from simply creating a character who showed up at the cleaners, that I actually came up with something different–and although it wasn’t selected, I was happy with my character nonetheless.
April 29th, 2007 at 6:00 am
John:
Thank you for the exercise and for your generosity! Incredible of you to spend so much time and energy on this! I learned from the exercise and from the follow up posts! So thanks everyone.
I didn’t take the same approach as the others in terms of reading what others wrote and adjusting accordingly. But I can see now they were learning then adjusting. Excellent. Duh for me.
I like that the character intro plays such a potentially large role in the overall story and is one of the few ways to give insight into the story via “narrative.” I’ll spend more time on them and like someone else said, I will be casing every dry cleaners for creeps and clowns. (I have that irrational fear of clowns writers often exploit.)
Thank you, John. Great exercise and great feedback.
April 29th, 2007 at 9:18 am
Thanks for doing this. It is very generous of you to go through all 162 entries.
P.S.: Did I make the top 25?
April 29th, 2007 at 10:46 am
I think the scene challenge is an excellent exercise. Obviously we’re all enjoying and learning from these exercises so, thank you, John. Congrats Craig and Danny!
I too missed out, arriving a few hours too late, but here was/is my newbie offering:
INT. SEA STAR DRY CLEANING & BREW Y’ER OWN SHOP – DAY
Derwyn, 48 and gaunt, sweeps the unattended room with his eyes, once. Great Big Sea’s “When I am King� pipes from the ceiling speakers. Derwyn’s hand flies to the side of his head and repeatedly smoothes his wiry, but perfectly parted hair. A small green sheet quivers in the other.
Little sticky sounds escape from Derwyn as he swallows over and over and slinks to the unmanned station. He murmurs to the yellow countertop.
DERWYN: Mister Cole’s clothing, please.
No one replies or appears. Derwyn’s swallows grow to grunts as he continues to stare. The shuffling of paper is scarcely audible from the room beyond the doorway to his left. He takes one step in that direction. His left hand pats his thigh.
DERWYN: Mister Cole’s clothing, please.
Nothing happens. Derwyn forces a single hacking cough. The crumbs at the edges of his mouth fall onto his stiff red Polo shirt. He takes another step.
DERWYN: Please. Mister Cole’s clothing, please.
No response. Derwyn turns away, shrinks into the plastic chair next to the counter by the window, and stares at the countertop. Again he smoothes his hair then begins to pat his leg.
A plump, young woman appears in the far doorway. Derwyn jolts upright and bolts to the counter before she is even halfway across the room with an armload of paper. He speaks to the counter.
DERWYN: Mister Cole’s clothing, please.
The young woman arrives behind the counter in front of a line of bagged clothing and smiles as she sighs.
WOMAN: Cole, why don’t you just ask for your shirts?
Derwyn sniffs, cocks his head to the side, and thrusts out the hand gripping the green sheet.
April 29th, 2007 at 11:28 am
I may not have won – but I got a really terrific entry for my collection of random scenes to be used later – and even a skeleton of an idea for a screenplay. (I started to write the scene one way, and then realized that it would be have a better payoff later on if he didn’t get his gun out in his first scene.)
I love exercises like this.
April 29th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Kudos to the winners; as ever, the contest was a blast.
I didn’t compete this time around (unlike Nikki, I couldn’t get out of work all week for it, though I would’ve liked to), but reading the entries (and chewing them over in your head as you do) is definitely a fun exercise in itself.
Incidentally – in a screenplay I recently churned out, I beat a writer’s block on introducing the protagonist by putting him in a dry-cleaners…
April 29th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
Thanks for reading, John.
Your website is one of the all-time greats.
April 29th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
Craig Ugoretz cannot be here to accept his award, so he sent me in his place. While he is thrilled to be recognized, he cannot in good conscience accept this award.
With the state of our environment in crisis, and the fate of the world in balance, it is immoral to promote dry-cleaning, with its highly toxic chemicals that our ancestors ancestors will have to deal with. How long, John August, can you blithely hold such ‘contests’ while Mother Earth wails? How long sir?
How long?
April 29th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
Thanks a lot John! I just started coming to the site and have immediately added it to the list of sites to see everyday (I still enjoy GOING to each site as opposed to feeds I guess).
I’ve been living in the archives, and competition entries :), for days now and it’s great. Thanks so much again!
-D.H.
April 29th, 2007 at 6:59 pm
Congrats to the winners! Thanks for the insights, John. -Dan Calvisi
April 29th, 2007 at 10:12 pm
Yeah mine disappeared into moderation and never came back out. Was it the penis references, or the profanity?
April 29th, 2007 at 11:41 pm
Somehow I didn’t think of comedy at all when I read the scene set-up. Mine (#43) was supposed to be from something akin to a Jason Statham movie. Da well, there’s always next time.
by the way, Danny’s was hilarious. I can see why he wins. Great Dialogue.
April 29th, 2007 at 11:51 pm
As Hatch McCray shakes a french fry of his black sock onto the pavement and discretly shoves it back in his trunk.
The trunk is loaded with very dirty clothes enough to stink up the counter. Mr Mcray is polished except for the lack of care taken to his shoes. He places the worn garbage bag on the counter and returns to the car with a claim-stub and a pair of dirty breifs removed by the asian woman from the inside pant leg. Hes now off to the car wash. Can a man change his life on a Monday morning?
April 30th, 2007 at 6:53 am
reminds me of an old joke…
Q: What’s the worst part about being a clown? A: Getting the blood stains out of your clown suit.
Q: What’s the best thing about being a clown? A: Seeing how big your dick looks in those little hands.
April 30th, 2007 at 7:08 am
I have to hand it to you for READING them all, John. Good gravy.
April 30th, 2007 at 7:32 am
I’ll admit, I couldn’t make it through the first 20 entries myself, so what John did is pretty amazing. And for free
And to those above who ask, I’d rather he DIDN’T post the Top 25, because then I won’t know that I didn’t make it.
April 30th, 2007 at 8:21 am
Thanks, John, for taking the time to go through all of our entries. This was pretty cool, and I enjoyed being part of it. Looking forward to the next one. Congrats to all who participated.
April 30th, 2007 at 9:17 am
I’m definitely going to rewrite mine before I post it next time. Lesson learned!
April 30th, 2007 at 9:18 am
I think my use of Captain Marvel eliminated me.
April 30th, 2007 at 9:54 am
I am just starting out as a screenwriter and this little competition was fun. I learned quite a bit about myself and the craft in just 160+ posts.
A long way to go and I am enjoying the journey.
Thank you John.
-Jim
April 30th, 2007 at 10:14 pm
I didn’t try for this one since I was named behind Liz last time. I also didn’t get around to reading the entries… But you could so tie the two contests together! Okay, a guy needs to get the semen stains out of his starfleet uniform before he HAS to be at the sci-fi convention. Beat the clock — wait, even that sounds dirty. Too much, eh?
May 2nd, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Sorry I missed the second Scene Challenge, as this one was really good and exactly what I wanted to get in on. Thanks for the tutlege, J.A.!