Parade

I was unprepared for the volume of mail I got wondering what had happened to the weekly Parade feature. Sorry. I was busy premiering a movie. But that’s really no excuse. Walter Scott manages to write a weekly column despite not actually existing.

Today’s questions originally ran in the [January 28th, 2007](http://www.parade.com/articles/editions/2007/edition_01-28-2007/Personality_Parade) issue of Parade.

The buzz on Jennifer Lopez’s upcoming movie, El Cantante, isn’t so hot. Her clothing line, JLO by Jennifer Lopez, also is struggling. Why is she slipping? — Alexandra L., New York, N.Y.

Because she’s months behind on her payments. Jenny, it’s $10,000 per month for favorable mentions in Parade. Not per year. Maybe you’re getting us confused with one of those other rags (like Newsday, uggh), but look through the contract, hon. We’d love to do a nice puff piece like “Jennifer Lopez shows you hidden Miami.” James Brady already has his cursor blinking. But just in case, we have freshly written “questions” ready to hit you from all sides. Let’s start with the A’s: Affleck, Adultery and that Ass of yours. Don’t make us get alphabetical. You’ll be dead by the E’s.

I was surprised to learn that singer-songwriter Phil Collins is dating a TV journalist from New York City. Who is she, and what happened to his wife? — Jill Clayborn, Phoenix, Ariz.

Really, Jill? How surprised were you on a scale of one to ten? A seven, maybe? It is pretty shocking when a former rock star splits from his third wife. Our advice is to take the rest of the day off from work. Build-A-Bear will have to get by without you.

Montel Williams wears a black diamond bracelet. Does it have special meaning for him? — Rosie Davis, Seattle, Wash.

No.

Producer/writer David E. Kelley (Ally McBeal, The Practice, Chicago Hope) has disappeared from TV. What’s happened to him? — Nadine Lester, Greenwich, Conn.

I can understand your worry. After a decade of simultaneous Emmy-winning shows, Kelley is currently running a single program: Boston Legal, which my staff tells me is actually written in Japanese and quickly translated by Babelfish. I can only presume the reason for Kelley’s slacking off is that he suddenly realized that he’s married to Michelle Pfeiffer, and he should hit that while he can.

A while back, you said Ben Affleck was interested in running for office. Is he ready to take the plunge in 2008? — Larry Kramer, Los Angeles, Calif.

Yes. Sources tell us he’s planning a campaign for PTA secretary at the prestigious Crossroads School, but won’t officially announce his intentions until his daughter is old enough to walk.

I heard that Reese Witherspoon now makes $15 million a picture. Is she really worth that much? — Harley S., Santa Fe, N.M.

Reese Witherspoon is worth her weight in gold. Guesstimating she tips the scales at 50 kilos, and with gold trading at $20,800/kilo, that would put her worth at just over $1 million. The extra 14 million is for spunk. And don’t forget that Oscar!

I see that Richard Pryor’s daughter, Rain, wrote a biography of the late comedian. Is it a “Daddy Dearest” book? — Tricia Guthrie, Lambertville, N.J.

I’ll let you know after this month’s book club meeting. I just hope everyone’s actually read it this time, unlike the last meeting, when Sally Jansen tried to fake her way through Barak Obama’s book. Honestly, if she didn’t make amazing brownies, we would have cut her loose months ago.

Two-time U.S. bronze medalist Angela Nikodinov is now touring with Smucker’s Stars on Ice. What caused her two-year absence from skating? — Mike Anderson, Syracuse, N.Y.

The ill-conceived “Skippy Peanut Butter on Ice” tour. Five skaters died in that debacle.

With the Taliban making a comeback in Afghanistan, how much help can we expect from President Musharraf, our Pakistani ally? — T.D., Boston, Mass.

Finally. Thank you for asking a question that makes use of Walter Scott’s decades of experience in Middle East affairs. The answer: more than a smidgen, less than a heap.

Every week, I re-answer questions sent to Walter Scott’s Personality Parade®. Today’s column comes from [January 7, 2007](http://www.parade.com/articles/editions/2007/edition-01-07-2007/Personality_Parade).

I was shocked by recent photos of Farrah Fawcett. Is she near death?—Carey Roberts, Cleveland, Ohio

Walter Scott cannot predict when or even if Farrah Fawcett will die, because he is not a doctor, and [does not actually exist](http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/rain-on-parade). He can, however, point out how great she was in “The Burning Bed,” and speculate whether the story paralleled any of the drama in her marriage to “Six Million Dollar Man” Lee Majors. (Answer: No.)

Female fashion models get all the attention. But who’s the world’s highest-paid male model?—Nancy A., New York, N.Y.

Sadly, Donald Trump.

Can you bring me up to date on Kaley Cuoco, who played the late John Ritter’s daughter on 8 Simple Rules?—Bethany Page, Rehoboth, Del.

What a coincidence that you asked that question: Kaley’s new Lifetime telefilm, To Be Fat Like Me, debuts tomorrow. Walter Scott will be setting his fictional TiVo to catch it, because he doesn’t want to bother Kaley’s publicist for a screener copy.

My friend says the Reese Witherspoon-Ryan Phillippe split had nothing to do with her jealousy over his fooling around with other women—that it was his jealousy of her. I say, “Jealous of what?”—Lauren Walker, Washington, D.C.

That’s funny: When I say “jealous of what?” over and over again, it sounds like “Jesuit.” Which brings up painful, long-repressed memories. Come to think of it, it’s not funny as much as heartbreaking. Maybe that’s why they split up.

You suggested that The View couldn’t accommodate both Rosie O’Donnell and Joy Behar. Do you think Rosie is hurting the show?—Dennis Woods, Culver City, Calif.

On the contrary, I think the show is hurting Rosie. Sales of her signature fragrance “Obscurity” have plummeted since she joined the harpy gabfest.

Since the medical limitations on the use of silicone have been lifted, will more celebs get implants?—B. Grant, Laguna Beach, Calif.

No. Hollywood celebrates inner beauty. And Walter Scott feels more than a handful is wasted.

One of my favorite Hollywood stars of all time is Sidney Poitier. Did he do his own singing in the 1959 film version of Porgy and Bess?—Gene Lockhart, Naples, Fla.

Google poitier singing porgy. It’s the first hit. Please Gene, don’t waste Walter’s time.

Is it true that Christine Ebersole, star of Broadway’s Grey Gardens, almost quit showbiz?—Beth Bayer, Morristown, N.J.

Yes. But consider this: it’s possible to “almost” decide to do anything. Just moments before she almost quit showbiz, Christine Ebersole almost told her neighbor that his wife was killed by a mountain lion, just to get see his reaction. That’s the kind of cruel woman she almost is.

Please settle a bet. I say that Willie Shoemaker is the winningest jockey ever. My husband says it’s Laffit Pincay Jr. Who buys dinner?
—B. Redmile, Augusta, Ga.

Trick question: The man buys dinner. Always.