Idiocy on Parade

A new feature in which I answer questions sent to Walter Scott’s Personality Parade®. Today’s column comes from December 17, 2006.

Any truth to rumors that Barbra Streisand will play Mama Rose in a film version of the musical Gypsy?-Mary Jansen, Orlando, Fla.

And this will change your life exactly how, Mary? Let’s say she does get cast. It will be at least a year before the movie comes out. During that time, you can conjecture and kvetch with others in various forums and message boards, discussing whether she’s right for the role, if the role’s right for her, and how absolutely fantastic or godawful her version of “Rose’s Turn” will be. Alternately, you could get a fucking life.

I’m a fan of Jason Ritter, son of the late John Ritter and star of CBS’s The Class. Does he have a significant other? -Jackie N., Washington, D.C.

No, Jackie. He’s saving himself for you. Or are you coyly trying to ask if he’s gay? I have no idea. Let me call his publicist. I’m sure I’ll get a straight answer. Wink, wink.

In her new autobiography, Lessons in Becoming Myself, Ellen Burstyn reveals painful stories of abuse, neglect, incest and promiscuity. Didn’t she have reservations about such honesty? -Toby M., Lansing, Mich.

Probably. But the desire to have her book sell more than five copies helped her get past her reservations.

After you came out in favor of skinny models, two died from complications of anorexia. What do you have to say for yourself now? -Grace Powers, Austin, Tex.

Shove it, Grace.

Masi Oka mostly speaks Japanese on NBC’s hit series Heroes. Is his English as good as his Japanese?-A. Liebman, Spokane, Wash.

It’s called Wikipedia, A.

TV stars like T.R. Knight of Grey’s Anatomy don’t seem to suffer by coming out of the closet. Are there many gay film stars who still hide their sexual orientation, like Rock Hudson did in the 1950s? -Ross McC., Newark, N.J.

No. Every actor in Hollywood is now straight as a lumberjack.

I’m curious about Cheyenne, who won on NBC’s America’s Most Talented Kids and recently had an MTV reality show. Is that her real name? -Cal Campbell, Gallup, N.M.

Jesus, Cal. I’d call you lazy, but licking the stamp on your letter took more work than Googling the answer. So maybe you’re just stupid.

I haven’t seen Steven Seagal onscreen in a long time. Did he retire?-Andy R., Cos Cob, Conn.

No, he transcended this plane of existence. C’mon Andy. I can see wanting your name in print, but do you really want it associated with Steven Seagal? And even if you can’t figure out how this whole interweb thing works, just typing his name into any random box will bring you to his website, which shows 30 upcoming tour dates for his band. Maybe you could ask him in person when Glimmer Man 2 will be coming out.

How will history assess Donald Rumsfeld?-Mark Hughes, New York, N.Y.

Fat.