[ misery for beginners ]


A Guide by John August


  1. Take a random person off the street. He/She is more attractive, funny and well-liked than you. Or if not, at least happier.

  2. Sure, homeless people have it rough. But at least they've bottomed out. You're in free-fall. You'll lose more than they ever had.

  3. You're probably forgetting a really important bill.

  4. When in doubt, dwell on your failures.

  5. Everyone is pretending to like you. In fact, they hold secret parties where you're not invited.

  6. If you do make it to the top, you'll just be under more pressure, which will make you more miserable.

  7. You're peaking now. It's all downhill, baby.

  8. You bought the wrong car.

  9. You'll never work again.

  10. This is not depression. This is reality.

  11. You don't deserve to be well-liked.

  12. People are on to you.

  13. Entertainment Weekly didn't come on Saturday because GOD HATES YOU.

  14. You think you're being diligent, but really you're over-watering your plants.

  15. Sure, you could get a pet, but it would probably despise you too.

  16. You're not funny, and you mumble.

  17. Making long lists like this proves you're insane.

  18. You could shave your head, but you'd be one of those people who looks worse that way.

  19. Just because the risk factor is low, doesn't mean it's nil.

  20. That fax you sent is full of typos.

  21. The messenger will take the wrong envelope.

  22. That whirring sound is your computer crashing.

  23. You don't recycle enough.

  24. If your Mom were on "Let's Make a Deal," she would have swapped you for what's behind the curtain.

  25. You could take Prozac, but then you wouldn't be yourself anymore.

  26. Ennui = Insanity.

  27. Remember what a geek you were in grade school? Guess what, you still are.

  28. Everyone is honking at you. You're a bad driver, and don't even know it.

  29. Those that don't hate you, resent you.

  30. This is all just a market correction for a surge in happiness.

  31. These are the good times.

  32. Your dreams are cliche and derivative.

  33. Therapy won't help, because you'll lie, anyway.

  34. You use too many commas. And too much dishwasher detergent.

  35. Joey Lawrence is making more money than you.

  36. At least ants accomplish their goals.

  37. Take a nap. Great, now you won't sleep tonight.

  38. Take some Unisom. You'll be groggy tomorrow.

  39. You overtip. It's not nice, it's wasteful. The waiters think you're a moron who can't do basic math.

  40. You're forgetting something really important.

  41. Olympic athletes? Younger than you.

  42. Professional athletes? Far wealthier, with less education.

  43. You should have had more fun in college.

  44. You should have worked harder in college.

  45. Everyone had more fun than you in high school, including your teachers.

  46. You're two seasons behind fashion.

  47. A man and a woman are arguing.

  48. He: I want to see a comedy.

  49. She: I want to see a tragedy.

  50. They both look at you.

  51. Your accomplishments pale next to Albert Einstein.

  52. Or Gandhi.

  53. Or Helen Keller. And she was deaf and blind.

  54. None of your friends are as cool as those people on "Friends."

  55. You're using the wrong shampoo.

  56. If you were on "The Real World," they'd edit you out.

  57. George Constanza may be pathetic, but at least he gets laid.

  58. People make fun of your voice.

  59. Your resume is all wrong.

  60. You use accents in the wrong places.

  61. This profound self-doubt is just a front for your shallowness.

  62. Coffee will kill you. Not everyone, just you.

  63. Even if you could afford a house, you'd pick a death trap.

  64. Maybe you gave them the wrong number. That's why they're not calling.

  65. People used to eavesdrop on your cordless phone calls, but they got bored and stopped.

  66. Assistants have a secret code word for you.

  67. Selena? Became famous after she died. Maybe you will, too. But unlikely.

  68. Even Hitler had a girlfriend.

Copyright (c) 1996 John August

Please do not redistribute without this copyright notice.


email John August at august@primenet.com