[ misery for beginners ]
A Guide by John August
- Take a random person off the street. He/She is more attractive,
funny and well-liked than you. Or if not, at least happier.
- Sure, homeless people have it rough. But at least they've bottomed
out. You're in free-fall. You'll lose more than they ever had.
- You're probably forgetting a really important bill.
- When in doubt, dwell on your failures.
- Everyone is pretending to like you. In fact, they hold secret parties
where you're not invited.
- If you do make it to the top, you'll just be under more pressure,
which will make you more miserable.
- You're peaking now. It's all downhill, baby.
- You bought the wrong car.
- You'll never work again.
- This is not depression. This is reality.
- You don't deserve to be well-liked.
- People are on to you.
- Entertainment Weekly didn't come on Saturday because GOD HATES YOU.
- You think you're being diligent, but really you're over-watering
- Sure, you could get a pet, but it would probably despise you too.
- You're not funny, and you mumble.
- Making long lists like this proves you're insane.
- You could shave your head, but you'd be one of those people who
looks worse that way.
- Just because the risk factor is low, doesn't mean it's nil.
- That fax you sent is full of typos.
- The messenger will take the wrong envelope.
- That whirring sound is your computer crashing.
- You don't recycle enough.
- If your Mom were on "Let's Make a Deal," she would have
swapped you for what's behind the curtain.
- You could take Prozac, but then you wouldn't be yourself anymore.
- Ennui = Insanity.
- Remember what a geek you were in grade school? Guess what, you still
- Everyone is honking at you. You're a bad driver, and don't even
- Those that don't hate you, resent you.
- This is all just a market correction for a surge in happiness.
- These are the good times.
- Your dreams are cliche and derivative.
- Therapy won't help, because you'll lie, anyway.
- You use too many commas. And too much dishwasher detergent.
- Joey Lawrence is making more money than you.
- At least ants accomplish their goals.
- Take a nap. Great, now you won't sleep tonight.
- Take some Unisom. You'll be groggy tomorrow.
- You overtip. It's not nice, it's wasteful. The waiters think you're
a moron who can't do basic math.
- You're forgetting something really important.
- Olympic athletes? Younger than you.
- Professional athletes? Far wealthier, with less education.
- You should have had more fun in college.
- You should have worked harder in college.
- Everyone had more fun than you in high school, including your teachers.
- You're two seasons behind fashion.
- A man and a woman are arguing.
- He: I want to see a comedy.
- She: I want to see a tragedy.
- They both look at you.
- Your accomplishments pale next to Albert Einstein.
- Or Gandhi.
- Or Helen Keller. And she was deaf and blind.
- None of your friends are as cool as those people on "Friends."
- You're using the wrong shampoo.
- If you were on "The Real World," they'd edit you out.
- George Constanza may be pathetic, but at least he gets laid.
- People make fun of your voice.
- Your resume is all wrong.
- You use accents in the wrong places.
- This profound self-doubt is just a front for your shallowness.
- Coffee will kill you. Not everyone, just you.
- Even if you could afford a house, you'd pick a death trap.
- Maybe you gave them the wrong number. That's why they're not calling.
- People used to eavesdrop on your cordless phone calls, but they
got bored and stopped.
- Assistants have a secret code word for you.
- Selena? Became famous after she died. Maybe you will, too. But unlikely.
- Even Hitler had a girlfriend.
Copyright (c) 1996 John
Please do not redistribute without this copyright notice.
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email John August at firstname.lastname@example.org