Greeks
Many thanks to the 43 readers who added reviews at Amazon. Here’s the scene I promised yesterday.
This comes from Greeks, a comedy I never finished — and barely started, honestly. It’s set in ancient times, and would have retold several of the great myths in significantly less epic ways. I set it aside to write The Nines and never went back to it.
Most writers will have a few dozen folders with these kinds of half-conceived projects. Both The Nines and The Variant lived in those folders for years. In fact, the working title for The Variant was The Nines. Vincent Lewis kept seeing the number nine everywhere, which was one reason he started wondering if something was off with this world.
But back to Greeks.
EXT. CYPRESS GROVE – DAY
Lunch. Sacriticides’ class has broken into distinct cliques: wrestlers, poets, the drama club. Being his first day, Perseus isn’t sure where he belongs, so he keeps on the periphery.
He finds a suitable sitting rock and unwraps his bread, grapes and olives. He notices Abbas is not seated with any particular group as he rips into lunch -- a single pomegranate, its bloody juices dripping everywhere.
Perseus decides to risk conversation...
PERSEUS
Pomegranate, huh?
ABBAS
Yeah.
PERSEUS
Grapes.
(shows fingers)
Less evidence.
ABBAS
Yeah.
And that’s that, apparently. Perseus goes back to his lunch.
But then Abbas suddenly restarts the conversation.
ABBAS
(introducing himself)
I’m Abbas.
PERSEUS
Perseus.
ABBAS
Anyone call you Percy?
PERSEUS
No. So how long have you been studying with Sacriticides?
ABBAS
Since my dad died.
PERSEUS
Oh. Sorry.
ABBAS
Yeah, well. Philosophy is sort of the family business. My dad invented logic.
PERSEUS
That’s pretty major.
ABBAS
He got eaten by a lion. He was trying to teach it ethics.
(beat)
So, after class, a bunch of us are going down to the beach. New school of mermaids are coming through.
PERSEUS
Oh.
ABBAS
If you wanna...
PERSEUS
I’ll pass.
ABBAS
There’ll be mer-dudes too, if you’re...
PERSEUS
No, I like girls. But with legs.
ABBAS
That’s cool.
PERSEUS
I’ve got a strange thing about the sea. My step-father’s a fisherman and I can’t even eat fish.
ABBAS
Wow. What do think that’s from?
Perseus shrugs it off. Then reconsiders...
PERSEUS
When I was little, my grandfather locked me and my mother in a chest and threw us in the ocean, because he was convinced I was going to kill him. Prophecy and stuff. So we were in this box, and we floated around for three weeks and sort of went mad from dehydration. We washed up on this island, and I’ve never gone back in the water since.
A beat.
ABBAS
Man, I love the ocean. Fish and chicks, it’s all good.
PERSEUS
Definitely. Except for, it’s not. Because of the trauma of my childhood.
ABBAS
(not listening; re: pomegranate)
Perspehone? She ate just one of these seeds. Now she has to spend winter in Hades.
PERSEUS
Actually, she’s my half-sister. We don’t see her much. Big family.
A CHEER in the background. Two of the WRESTLERS are throwing down, Greco-Roman style. Abbas joins in the excitement, running over to them.
PERSEUS
Good talking with...okay.
Articles
June 4th, 2009 at 11:24 am
lol, “Percy.” I enjoyed reading this.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Fish and chicks! All you can eat fish and chicks!
Greco-Roman High must have been tough.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Reminds me of the Year One script. I guess we’ll see how the movie does. But if its a success, perhaps you should dust off this old draft and get to work…
June 4th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I think we’ve all been there; you’re the new kid in school, you start to make a friend, but he’s into mermaids, and you’re a leg man. Classic tragedy.
Frankly, I’d rather see this than Year One.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Execution dependent.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Although I’m not as professional as you, John (and honestly I’m a bit blushed already), I’d strike off the following…
1 “Perseus decides to risk conversation…”
We know he feels like he doesn’t know where he belongs, so he’s obviously “shy”… maybe a wryly saying (shy) would do it as well.
2 “But then Abbas suddenly restarts the conversation.”
It’s obvious that he restarts the conversation since there’s dialogue. Is the word “suddenly” really allowed in a screenplay? Are there any exceptions when the production readers will accept it?
3 “Then reconsiders…”
Same as #1.
4 “…okay.”
I was kinda wondering if there’s a more “ancient alternative” for this word like the “Ola kala” ;)
June 4th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
@mike…
Hate to tell you this, but LIFE IS EXECUTION DEPENDENT. Be constructive and thankful John shares this kind of stuff with us.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Talky but funny. Obviously written with a television budget in mind. :)
But a television audience? I dunno, it’s kind of obscure to most people. Stop 100 adults on the street and ask them if they know who Perseus is. If you find 6 who do, I’d be surprised.
Poor Percy has been largely forgotten, though his political styles are still in vogue.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
The comment cards from the test screening said it needs more jokes.
June 4th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Actually, Colin, I was making a joking reference to a recent post on this blog.
But thanks for your concern.
June 4th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
One issue that strikes me is when there are characters named Perseus and Abbas, I immediately start racking my brain trying to figure out if there really was an ancient greek “Abbas” I should be recognizing references to, or if he’s just a made up character.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
@Sarah
What the F is your deal?
Seriously, do you honestly think that this was shared so you could provide that kind of “constructive criticism”?
Comments 1,2,3 are silly nit-picky notes that would probably be polished up if this was actually a screenplay and – if not – who honestly cares!?
“4″ seems like you don’t understand what’s funny about the project.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I loved it – and I think the comments about dropping this or that description is off. Those little details color the way the scene plays out. I’m usually all for economy but John doesn’t over do descriptions at all.
Wish there was more of this script for us to read – a very rich and funny idea.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
But with legs.
Nice one.
June 4th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Cool scene. Doing ancient times with a modern sensibility is a good opportunity for laughs.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Clever.
ABBAS He got eaten by a lion. He was trying to teach it ethics.
That’s funny.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
@Sarah: Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.
Anyway, this scene was hilarious! “Because of the trauma of my childhood”.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
@ mike
Well in that case, I humbly agree with your joke in respect to the person that initially made such a comment. Apologies for the textual hostility, it’s just retarded when people say things like that, which clearly you agree with.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
I agree with Sarah, in that these little character ticks should exalt themselves naturally in the work. The director and the cast should decide where who stutters what and why. I found the dialogue to be witty enough, although if you trimmed a pronoun here and a to-be verb here, it’d come off really nice. Thanks John.
June 4th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
These action lines belongs in a script somewhere:
INT. MALIBU CONDO – DAY
John slowly closes the laptop lid. Walking briskly down the sagging staircase, he approaches the front door and forces it open.
INT. APARTMENT – LATER
The quiet of the apartment is rocked by a projectile six-panel door which moments before was firmly hinged to the now-empty door frame.
It’s John. And he looks pissed. He could’ve taken the door by foot or fist only, but this occasion seemed fit for both.
He stares ahead, eyes fixed, anger channeled. Is it a prop 8 supporter? No. It’s Sarah, Chief of the Action Line Police Force.
John is ready. But he doesn’t move. He already has.
Sarah glances down. Mournfully, her eyes rest on panels one and two of the now two-toned six-panel door. With her waning energy, she glances back at the four panels glistening behind her. A final breath. She crumbles.
John nods silently. He removes a small moleskin notebook from the back pocket of his blue jeans, scribbles into it, and is gone.
June 5th, 2009 at 1:21 am
“…My dad invented logic.” lol, nice.
June 5th, 2009 at 9:45 am
This movie would rule on so many levels.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Freaks & Greeks? Greeks & Geeks? Anyway, young James Franco is Perseus.
June 5th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
I bet you Sarah is going to put this on a resume.
“June 2008 – gave writing tips to John August”
:\
June 5th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Dig it. Reminds me of Chris Moore’s LAMB: The Gospel According to Biff.
June 5th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
yeah…year one vibes. you were first
June 5th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
M – “yeah…year one vibes. you were first”
Yikes. Let’s not go saying “first”. How about “sooner”? There are plenty of comedies based around that period. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum – Larry Gelbart – 1966 God (play) – Woody Allen – 1975 Life of Brian – Monty Python – 1979 History of the World – Mel Brooks – 1981
June 5th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
I liked Sarah’s enthusiasm for better screenplay writing. And since John’s website is encouraging us all to write better, it’s no wonder someone wanted to ‘raise their hand in class’ and question the master. Great website John.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:16 am
Aw, it’s so cute. And so much more intelligent than the average show.
I wonder whether the other scenes would pack in quite that much information? A lot of quick, exposition-style dialogue bits in this first scene.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:55 am
Grrr. Me fight Sarah for having gall to critique John’s writing.
It’s in the spirit of the site. And…she’s right. Those are mistakes none of us rookies should be making, that a proven screenwriter like John August can get away with under the guise of stylistic choices. How many times have you read produced scripts by established writers that have “style choices” you’d never let into your own work, and then you dismiss it as being okay because they’re “Successful Screenwriter?”
Rah rah Sarah for tossing her pennies in, instead of asskissing with the rest of you boo-hooers. She wasn’t petty, she was curious and questioning correct execution of the form, as John encourages…and which we ALL should do…
Thanks for sharing this, John. It’s amazing how the same things happen to us all (fish out of water, pun not intended), regardless of era and century, apparently.
As always, you’re awesome.
June 6th, 2009 at 1:05 am
@Johnny Exactly. It was more or less a “what if I’d rewrite this scene”-idea since I’m currently trying to get a feeling for scene revision (how it works, how things can be left out to reduce your page amount etc.). I did not intend to offend anybody as I described at the very beginning. Thus, I’m sorry, if my (training) attempt seemed more like an insult.
June 7th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
@ Sarah’s problems with the action lines…
My take is that they help with the rhythm of the scene. There’s economy in writing, and there’s writing something that’s entertaining to read. You have to consider both.
For example, look at the “Perseus shrugs it off. Then reconsiders…” line. Obviously, John wants a quick silent beat there. So does he write “Beat” or does he write something that reads more enjoyably? Both options take up one line, so in terms of screenwriting economy, they’re the same.
June 8th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Strangely, this has been the most educational post so far. Reading a scene that was never intended for other eyes tells a lot more about a writer’s thought process than any article. Any chance of posting the rest of the draft?
June 8th, 2009 at 10:35 am
It does seem similar to what YEAR ONE looks to be…and kinds Mel Brooks-ish… cool stuff.
When I saw the post I thought it said “Geeks,” and I thought, “Yeah, we’re screenwriting geeks, thanks for calling us out on it, John.”
Instead, I just need new glasses.
Thanks for the post.
June 8th, 2009 at 11:53 am
In screenwriting groups, i have seen a surge of the, “insert contemporary culture or pop phenomenon into ancient times” meme. i read a script about jerusalem idol, u know, set in ancient jerusalem, and another about cleopatra’s wedding like the bachelorette show or some such…needless to say, they were all terribly lame, as was this scene.
Thanks for taking the risk of showing us an example of ur admittedly sub par work instead of ur usual awesomeness. Appreciate all that u do for us. cheers.
June 8th, 2009 at 11:59 am
@ Sarah: not buying it. Seemed like an insult.
Also, you still have not defended your “Ola kala” suggestion. I think everyone on this board would agree that was pretty tone-deaf.
June 8th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I’m pretty sure the “Ola kala” was a joke, hence the winky face. You people need to calm down.
June 9th, 2009 at 5:12 am
I like this. I could see it and scenes like it being very short animated episodes in a series.
June 9th, 2009 at 6:16 am
I say a more interesting screenplay would be to get Bill, dabba, and Sarah in a room and watch them have a death match over this rather innocuous OP.
Bill, because he came out of the box fighting gladiator style, flinging the F word; Sarah, because her remarks missed the entire point of the post, and dabba because, dear God, whoever you are, it’s spelled YOU not U, and John never said it was subpar work, he said it was a screenplay he set aside and didn’t go back to. Not-polished is not the same thing as subpar.
During this fight I elect Blitzen to play the referee. Someone fetch me some popcorn and a diet Coke, please, I’ll be sitting in the front row.
June 9th, 2009 at 10:47 am
@carol
A fight based upon misunderstandings on both sides isn’t good. I don’t like to fight. I didn’t mean it the way like it’s been interpreted. It had nothing to do with criticism (maybe I picked the wrong words which made it sound saucy and maybe I should have started with “What if you’d rewrite this scene… were my following choices made right…” – again, I’m currently trying to get a feeling for rewriting scenes. I didn’t mean to criticise a “note” – I got tons of notes in my books as well which would look differently in a spec) and I really appreciate John’s work – he’s my #1 screenwriter and I’m very greatful for this blog!
June 11th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Honestly, with the whole Sarah debacle, one thing that really gets to me is when people try to give me notes on structure when I show them a quick scene I wrote or a very early draft. I honestly don’t care that the screenwriting book you’re reading right now told you not to mention the camera, when I’m writing a rough draft I’m just trying to get the scene out of my head and onto paper, I’m not too worried about formatting issues until later drafts, when I’m actually thinking of trying to send it out to people.
Still, good that you’re learning and everything, and according to the “rules” you are correct. But when people show you something as rough as this, they are generally looking for your thoughts on the general idea of it.
Just my two cents. But again, Sarah has every right to say what she said, and she is right, but IMO you might want to lay off of comments like that on rough scenes in the future.
June 17th, 2009 at 4:42 am
Re: What’s come to be the Sarah Controversy – I’m Pro-Sarah and Anti-Skub; I just couldn’t reconcile any other position with my most personal morals.
Re: The actual article – I might actually kill a man to see more of this. Is there anything else you want us to get a certain amount of reviews for within a set time-frame? Maybe you need us to actually review someone to death? In 24 hours?
Re: Perseus’ people skills – You’re not going to make any friends that way, Einstein. (But did you see the way that Andromeda chick was looking at him?)