I think you’ve been getting bum advice, or at least, over-applied advice. There are certainly descriptions that are verboten in a scene: “Max’s shirt smells like cinnamon and wood smoke.” Generally, the rule is that if it’s impossible to see or hear it, you can’t use it.

But I would add that it’s okay to include something if it’s a playable moment for the actor, which all three of the examples you cited are.

He watches every DOCTOR and NURSE who passes, waiting for the one who will talk to him.

The first half is action. We can see it. The second half is playable. It’s describing the specific intention/motivation for why he’s watching the doctors.

Ito speaks with a practiced calm, making horrible news sound straightforward:

That’s playable.

He wasn’t expecting to hear she was alive, but he had held out some hope.

Again, playable.

Also, keep in mind that because these two characters are introduced in the scene, I’ve probably gone further in building the moment than I would for already-established characters. There’s so little information to work with — the characters have no backstories — that their specific actions become a lot more important.

Damn you August, will you never stop leading our curious minds on this merry dance of mystery?

Thanks tremendously. This scribble scene/final scene is one of the best illustrations I’ve ever seen to demonstrate how scenes are constructed. And believe me I have a library full of Field, Mckee, and the other guru’s.

I think for me it shows you don’t have to be bogged down with perfecting and structuring a scene til you’ve worn yourself down. Get to the gist. Then structure it.

I’m a big believer in outlining and the beat sheet, and this is another technique I will add to the arsenal.

Thanks again. And good luck with “The Nines”

Mark

Examples from these two pages that break this rule:

1. He watches every DOCTOR and NURSE who passes, waiting for the one who will talk to him.
2. Ito speaks with a practiced calm, making horrible news sound straightforward:
3. He wasn’t expecting to hear she was alive, but he had held out some hope.

I guess my question is how do you know when it is OK to give that extra bit of explanation that isn’t easilly visible on screen. My guess is that Mr. August either has the trust of this director to insert these directions or he is himself the director (in which case we’ve just previewed the nines) or it is perfectly OK to do enter the characters head in describing a charaters state of mind in a scene (as opposed to their outward expression) or I’ve totally misunderstood what I thought was a screenwriting axiom (highly possible :-).

But either way this scene rocks.

I agree it helps to see what gets cut out/changed in the editing process. I often buy scripts from scriptcity (scriptcity.com)– you can request an early version of the script if they have it and you’ll be amazed at the stuff that gets edited and swithed around even in the so called “Final Draft version.” I highly recommend it.

I usually pick a movie I cared enough to see several times in a theater, wait until the DVD comes out, and spend an afternoon follow along from movie to script page, taking notes.

The scripts are printed out as real script pages (not high quality, glossy shooting scripts with pictures… for $19, I think)

I’m sure there are other sites available for these type of scripts, too.

Thanks for including both versions. Very helpful in getting some insight on going from draft to final version!

Cheers, MRA

One thing I’ve long wanted, is seeing the changes in the process of writing. (I’m lucky if I find static steps.)

This helps a lot.

– Dave O