Dustin walks in on Shane jerking off to an old Star Trek episode.

DUSTIN Dude, are you jerking off to an old Star Trek episode?

SHANE (not looking over) Uh huh…

DUSTIN Cool.

Dustin unzips his pants and joins him.

DUSTIN Shatner or Nimoy?

SHANE What?

DUSTIN Shatner or Nimoy?

SHANE Uhura, dude! C’mon!

DUSTIN Oh. Right. That’s what I was going to say to. Trick question. (looking back at TV) C’mon, Leonard…arch your back…that’s right…

SHANE DUDE!?!

DUSTIN What?

SHANE It’s great to see you.

DUSTIN You too.

They continue about their business.

INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT SHANE enters his small apartment, pitching his keys into a chain jar on the boxy TV haunting the studio. The TV is tuned to a Trekie rerun, “The Enemy Within” which Shane continually glances at as her boots up his computer on the opposite side of the room. The CRT flashes pornographic images; Shane, standing, begins to surf for more porn.

Shane begins to masturbate focusing first on the TV, then on the PC. Shane’s right arm begins to rhymicly shake himself faster, his back to the screen and breathing labored. Shane is seen only from the top of the butt up, his pants down and shirt tails tucked under his chin.

Shane, squint-eyed, now realizes the TV is tuned to Scotty working the transporter array. Shane’s eyes widen and hand pace falters, but doesn’t stop.

He turns away from the TV and redoubles his focus on the porn. His constant jerking motion speeds up as bound by duty. The program’s incidental music boils louder and catches Shane’s attention. The TV now shows Spock looking logical; Shane looks back from the TV as if to say, “Damn!”

Suddenly the television flashes Kirk roughly embracing some nondescript Starfleet babe and Shane focus shifts more towards the TV and less towards the internet porn. His never-ceasing jerking becomes deliberate in time with the classic Star Trek battle music ebbing in the background.

O.S. Kirk is wrestling some red-shirted Ensign, the 60s ingénue looking on; Shane is now in time with the music and has all but forgotten the computer porn. Shane is near climax when DUSTIN wanders aimlessly in, followed by SAM, from his blind side.

DUSTIN Hey-a Shane.

SHANE (EYES WIDE SHUT) Ah!

SAM Sup, Shane?

DUSTIN Dude? Whatcha doing?

SHANE (VOICE TRAILING) Ah!…Ah!…

Sam approaches the TV set searching for the remote control still not realizing what Shane is doing. Dustin heads off to the attached kitchenette to raid the icebox.

SAM C’mon, Shane…the Nuggets game is about to come on

DUSTIN Dude? What happened to all the beer?

SHANE Ah!…Ah!…Ah!… Dustin shrugs open a beer, turning back to Shane, who is shuddering from near release.

DUSTIN What the hell are you doing, Shane?

SHANE Jerkin’ off…what does it look like?

SAM To Star Trek?

SHANE No, I had it on but I was masturbating to this inoffensive porn on my computer why the fuck didn’t you guys knock?

SAM Settle down there, Shane. Just joking with ya…

SHANE (PINCHES FINGERS) Yeah…but I was like…THAT close

DUSTIN (WITH A CHUCKLE) Yeah, Gorn get me all hot and bothered too. Next time try a Vulcan grip on your little Ferengi, Dude. Works every time.

SHANE (PULLING PANTS UP) Just hand me a towel, would ya?

SAM Don’t you mean, “Make it so?�

SHANE Nice…

After about the 15th round, I began to approach these more clinically, but I have to admit: anytime male genitals are called “junk” I laugh. And Harriet’s line “Strong call” made me snort.

Dustin and Sam cross the overgrown lawn and pass by an open window. A familiar sound wafts out to their ears.

THE OPENING THEME TO STAR TREK

but something about it doesn’t sound quite right.

Dustin and Sam approach the window, peer inside and see…

Shane, naked except for a reproduction Captain Kirk uniform shirt, standing in front of a plasma TV singing along with the theme song of Star Trek. He is masturbating.

Dustin opens his mouth to say something. Sam clamps his hand over Dustin’s mouth, puts his index finger to his lips and gestures for Dustin to follow.

INT. SHANE’S HOUSE – ENTRY

Sam eases the door shut and follows Dustin into the…

LIVING ROOM

where Shane is really working the lumber, his back to Dustin and Sam. On the screen UHURA gets up from her control panel and walks to KIRK. Shane’s right hand moves faster.

SHANE Now, that’s what I’m talking about.

Dustin and Sam can’t contain themselves. They explode in laughter.

Shane spins around. Dustin and Sam laugh harder. Shane stretches the uniform shirt down.

SHANE What the fuck, guys?

DUSTIN Didn’t know you were such a fan.

SAM Beam me up, Scotty.

Shane grabs a pair of pants from a chair and slips into them.

SHANE Fuck off. Who invited you anyway? Get out of here.

Dustin raises his hands in surrender and backs up.

DUSTIN Excuse us. We’ll come back after you’ve finished playing with your Uhura.

Shane picks up the TV remote and fires it at Dustin. It hits Sam in the forehead.

INT. SHANE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Shane crosses the room to his computer station, throws down his keys, clicks the TV remote — Star Trek plays — and toggles the mouse. The computer screen comes to life revealing broadband porn.

Which to chose? … STAR TREK … or … COMPUTER PORN … Porn wins.

We hear his zipper clearly above the moans and Kirk’s speachifying. Shane tucks his shirt under his chin — lets his trousers slip round his ankles. Arching towards the computer screen, butt towards us, he begins to masturbate.

Phaser zaps and shouts from the TV. After a moment Shane registers the noise, slows his rhythm and turns to watch the battle. It’s a good episode. Shane returns to the porn and speeds his stroke, frenzied, hurrying.

The noise of the battle hots up. Shane pauses to look … turns back to the computer, pace slower, even, more determined … it’s no good, he has to watch Trek, but he’s so aroused … he snatches glances at each while he concentrates on achieving ecstasy.

Trek really is good. He turns to the TV, breathing raged, fully aroused, he’s nearly there —

The door opens. Dustin and Sam wander in.

DUSTIN Hey-a Shane.

SHANE Ah!

SAM Hey Shane.

DUSTIN Ah!

SHANE Ah!

SAM Ah!

DUSTIN Ah!

SHANE Ah!

DUSTIN What the hell are you doing, Shane?

SHANE Masturbating?

SAM Were you just masturbating to Star Trek?

SHANE No, I had it on but I was masturbating to this inoffensive porn on my computer why the fuck didn’t you guys knock?

SAM Settle down there, Shane.

SHANE (mocking voice) Were you just masturbating to Star Trek? No, I wasn’t just masturbating to Star Trek! You have no right to come in here, in my house and just start accusing me of things I’m not doing!

DUSTIN Were you going to time it so you came when the crew beamed back to the ship?

SHANE Get the fuck out of here!

Shane, in boxers and t-shirt, fishes a tube of Wet out of his desk. He turns on the tv and throws himself into a grody Ikea armchair. Grabs the remote, fires up a DVD of some very pink, very moist porn, then sets the remote on the arm of the chair.

Shane squirts a walnut of Wet into his right hand. Said hand vanishes from the frame, headed in the direction of Lil’ Shane.

Utterly absorbed, Shane doesn’t notice that the chair’s squeaky little skids, or the remote, tipping precariously towards the gap between chair and cushion.

The squeaks grow more urgent. The remote, jostled by Shane, drops into the chair, trapped under Shane’s jerking thigh. Squeak. Jostle. Squeak. Jostle. The slap of Wet. Squeak.

Abruptly, the TV switches to a bumper for “Star Trek: The Next Generation.� Shane moans, disconsolate. With his left hand, he fishes for the remote. Back from commercial, the show resumes.

ON SCREEN: Foxy Tasha Yar leans over Data.

Shane’s face goes slack. His left hand stops looking for the remote. The squeaking grows deafening.

The door opens. Dustin enters.

DUSTIN Shane, did you drink all the—GAH!

SHANE (lunges for tshirt) Aagh!

DUSTIN What are you- (looks around, sees TV) Are you masterbating to Star Trek?

SHANE No! (beat) Maybe.

DUSTIN That’s…that’s…is that Tasha Yar?

SHANE The Naked Now. Season One.

DUSTIN Oh, dude! The one where she and Data do it?

SHANE He is fully functional.

DUSTIN Or fully fuck-tional.

Sam enters.

SAM You guys! The Next Generation where Tasha Yar booty calls Data- (sees the tv) So what, now you’re watching Trek without me?

SHANE I’m not watching Trek!

DUSTIN He’s whacking off.

SHANE Only until Mister Never Knocks interrupted me.

SAM You’re masturbating to Trek?

SHANE Maybe. (beat) Okay, yes! But only because Tasha Yar was on.

SAM I’d hit that.

DUSTIN Strong call.

They bump fists.

SHANE Get the fuck out!

DUSTIN Do you want us to Tivo it?

SHANE Out!

It’s a calculated mess. The floor is cluttered with assorted boxes; labeled ‘DVDs’ to ‘memeribilia’. For being a small and empty room, there’s an insane amount of nu metal groups hanging by tacks or tape.

The doorknob shifts. We hear keys DROPPING, followed by CURSING.

SHANE, 22, enters the room, very blasé. Shane’s hair covers most of his heavy face; he adjusts his glasses. His shirt reads: FOR THE HORDE.

As if by instinct, he drops schoolbooks on a table, turns on the computer and heads out into the kitchen.

We stay with the computer booting up. The SMACK of a fridge door is heard O.S.

SHANE (O.S.) Fuck’s sake.

A box TEARS, a microvave BEEPS and HUMS. Box is DISCARDED.

Shane shuffles in, weaving through boxes and such, locking the door behind him and spreading himself on the bed.

The TV on top of the dresser CLICKS ON. Channel by channel, Shane spews out harsh one liners until he settles on Star Trek.

Shane folds his arms. He remains expressionless, under the television’s spell. We then follow his eyes in a REVERSE PAN to a screensaver of NAKED WOMEN eddying in and out upon more NAKED WOMEN.

ON TELEVISION: Chief Communications Officer, UHURA, doing her best to sound important.

ANGLE ON SHANE, weighing his options.

UHURA (on TV) Why don’t you tell me I’m an attractive young lady, or ask me if I’ve ever been in love.

A LOUD ZIP. Uhura’s voice is trailing off, dream-like.

UHURA (CONT’D) (on TV) Tell me how your planet Vulcan looks on a lazy evening when the moon is full.

Shane closes his eyes, his guard is completely down.

SHANE SPOCK Vulcan has no moon, Ms. Uhura. (on TV) Vulcan has no moon, Ms. Uhura.

Shane is swallowed by an underwater paced reverie.

INT. WHITE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

An empty room, save for Uhura – or what looks like a cheap knock off of the Communications Officer – in a sexy akimbo stance. She’s wearing dolphin shorts and a revealing top. She’s approaching us.

INT. SHANE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Shane’s cheeks begin to incarnadine; breathing increases.

INT. WHITE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

LIPS

Moistened by a sybaritic tongue.

ASS

Heart-shaped and teasing us.

TITS

Bounce, bounce, bounce.

INT. SHANE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Shirt tucked under his chin, Shane’s furiously going at it. While he’s huffing and puffing, we never actually see it.

INT. WHITE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

A beacon of light descends. Next to Uhura, the light dissolves into Kirstie Alley – wearing nothing but tassels and a thong.

INT. SHANE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Shane stops. Shrugs, and gets down to business.

INT. WHITE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

The two women know just how to seduce; overly sexy and catty.

UHURA I’m very surprised.

KIRSTIE (taunting us) Any suggestions, Admiral?

They laugh.

UHURA Permission to speak freely, ma’am?

KIRSTIE Granted.

UHURA Would you like to explore some strange new worlds with me?

Poppy space music starts PLAYING.

EXT. SPACE – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

The ladies, now wearing matching lycra suits, are doing the Charleston on top of a cruising ENTERPRISE. But it’s not exactly proportionate of their size, as they are having a hard time staying on top of it.

KIRK (V.O.) Captain’s log, stardate 1337.1.

INT. SHANE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Music ENDS. Shane’s sweating. He’s crying.

KIRK (V.O.) This is your Captain speaking.

INT. BLACK ROOM – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

The room is empty, save for a ruminative Kirk monopolizing this otherworldly limelight.

KIRK (cont’d) It’s not an easy task, Shane. Conserving freedom, conserving peace. One can’t help to embrace the derelict life of such a devious world, devious, apologetic people. Morally suspect; regally indulged in themselves. Subversion upon subversion, it’s enough. What am I to do? What can I, as captain do? Absolutely nothing.

INSERT CUT: Kirstie saying: “Oh no!�

INSERT CUT: Uhura saying: “Not Kirk!�

KIRK (CONT’D) This is the end of me, of this flagship. I am turning it over to you, Shane.

Kirk reacts. It’s a voice.

MAN’S VOICE HEY-O!

INT. SHANE’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

The voice belongs to a surprised DUSTIN, standing on the doorway. Behind him is SAM, TV dinner in hand.

SAM DUDE!

Shane, about to explode, snaps back to life. Blanches. We hear another ZIP. His shirt is hesitantly rolled back down.

SHANE Um… Wow.

An embarrassingly long pause.

DUSTIN Dude. You’re crying.

Shane hurriedly wipes his face.

SHANE I’m fucking not. (ponders) How’d you get in? Is that my Hungry-Man?

SAM Sounded like you were having a coronary.

DUSTIN I’m Dustin. Dick-ass back here’s Sam.

SAM Fuck you. (to Shane) You were masturbating to Star Wars? Gross, man.

DUSTIN Oh, by the way, your lock doesn’t work. There’s a mandatory meeting with the RA in like, ten minutes. So get ready.

SHANE Hey!

He stops them as they begin to leave.

DUSTIN Yeah?

SHANE Just to re-cap. You found me sleeping. Having a terrible nightmare. You know… (nervous laugh) Nothing that would make girls with nice racks double over in hysterical laughter everytime they see my face? Right?

DUSTIN Something like that.

SAM Dude, no worries.

SHANE Roomies for life!

SAM Mashed potatoes and gravy, man. (a silver lining) Unless your parents subscribe to The Village’s mailing list?

They leave. Shane, dry-heaving, reaches for his inhaler.

SHANE enters his home, sighs heavily, and tosses his key on a nearby table. It has been a long day. SHANE plops down on a couch, grabs the remote and flips through TV channels. An episode of the original Star Trek catches his attention. The episode features Vina, an ORION SLAVE GIRL, a green-skinned humanoid with jet black hair whose pheromones cause irresistible urges amongst human males. In this episode, Vina dances seductively. No man can resist the ORION SLAVE GIRL species, including SHANE.

SHANE, energized, quickly fantasizes about the ORION SLAVE GIRL and suddenly ORION SLAVE GIRL appears before SHANE continuing with her dance from the Star Trek Episode. SHANE is pleased.

ORION SLAVE GIRL

. (stroking SHANE’S cheek).

You weak male; you shall succumb to my ways, my people . . .

    SHANE

My overlord, I submit to you for whatever reason

ORION SLAVE GIRL takes off Shane’s shirt and unzips SHANE’S pants and pulls the pants to his ankles.

    SHANE (con’t)
Extract my manliness and populate your species.   Your green skin is hot!

ORION SLAVE GIRL is on her knees, in between SHANE’S legs, her hand running up his thigh; she is breathing heavily.

    ORION SLAVE GIRL

SHANE you are our only hope, I have traveled long, hard and far for you. . .

    SHANE
Aaaah, vintage green humanoid!!

The camera pans from SHANE back to the Star Trek episode SHANE was watching before his fantasy. Unbeknownst to Shane the Star Trek scene has switched from dancing ORION SLAVE GIRL to a generic scene of Captain James T. Kirk engaged in his usual histrionics over some crisis facing the USS Enterprise.

SAM AND DUSTIN enter SHANE’S apartment without knocking or announcement. SAM AND DUSTIN see SHANE and observe the TV episode with Captain Kirk, and they look at each other in disbelief. They have busted SHANE on the couch with shirt off, pants down, masturbating to Star Trek (but unknown to them, SHANE was mating, in his world, with a sexy, green, irresistible humanoid). SAM AND DUSTIN’s observation of SHANE and the TV resembles spectators of a tennis match.

    SAM (to SHANE)
Um, yoo hoo!

SAM is pointing at the TV and looking at SHANE

    SAM (con’t)

What the fuck? Captain Kirk?

DUSTIN is bent over laughing in the background and SHANE awakens to reality, looks down at his lap, and looks over to SAM AND DUSTIN, and releases his hand into an “I’m innocent shrug.”

    SHANE
Ah fuck! Fuck!  What are you doing here!!?

SHANE quickly pulls up his pants; he then looks up and sees a dramatic Captain Kirk on the TV screen and realizes the gravity of the situation.

    SHANE

Ah! No! No! there was this green chick. I swear to God! She was gyrating and shit. Here, watch! She’ll come back. Shit!

TV shows more Captain Kirk histrionics. DUSTIN continues to laugh hysterically and SAM joins him in laughter. SAM walks over to SHANE’S refrigerator and grabs a beer, opens it and takes a sip.

    SAM
Dude, quit this Captain Kirk shit and get your ass ready.

SHANE

Don’t you ever knock? Fuck! Aren’t you a little early?

SHANE with a huff gets up off the couch and heads towards the bathroom to shower.

    DUSTIN
Hey, SHANE,

SHANE

Without looking at DUSTIN, but pausing before entering the bathroom

Yes

DUSTIN

Man Captain Kirk is cool. He banged some seriously hot ladies. No judgment.

    SHANE

Shut the fuck up DUSTIN. This was not about Captain Fucking Kirk. I’m taking a shower and I will be ready in 15 minutes

    DUSTIN
SHANE
    SHANE
Shut the fuck up, Dustin,

DUSTIN

Beam me up,

Shane flips Dustin off.

A flickering blue light illuminates the small room.

Facing the small television is SHANE, the kind of guy who easily gets addicted to anithistamine, sprawled out on a bed. His left hand is going to work on his nether regions. He moans just loud enough to drown out Captain Kirk.

A door swings open with barely a squeak as DUSTIN, his tie askewed and the name badge still on, lurches into the room past the television.

Shane stops, hand frozen in mid yank. His gaze follows Dustin.

Dustin flips on the light over the desk succesfully killing Shane’s sexy mood lighting.

Dustin turns to the bed; turns to the television; back to Shane.

Shane nods, and throws him a slight wave. With his right hand.

DUSTIN: This that fuzzies episode?

SHANE: Think so, yeah. Just flipping.

DUSTIN: Good episode.

Shane shrugs.

SHANE: Nothing else on.

Dustin watches a few seconds as Kirk and Spock are swimming in furry creatures.

SHANE: You remember the jellyfish episode? Where they go to the planet and the whole city is…

DUSTIN: Yeah. That one was pretty good. What about it?

Shane shrugs like an idiot.

SHANE: Dunno.

DUSTIN: Right…

Dustin turns to his computer. He leans down to turn it on.

SHANE: I wouldn’t do that. Wasn’t working earlier. I kept getting a message that it was corrupted or a virus, or something…

Dustin looks back at Shane.

SHANE: Should get it checked out.

Dustin stands back up.

DUSTIN: Phone still work okay?

SHANE: I guess. Why?

DUSTIN: I need to make a call.

The two stare each other down.

SHANE: Don’t let me keep ya.

DUSTIN: Do you mind?

Shane gets the point, his dicks’ dead anyway. He hops off the bed.

SHANE: Yeah, of course. I’ll get outta your hair. You eat yet. Want me to whip something up?

DUSTIN: I’m good.

Shane slips up his pants and slides outta the room.

Dustin picks up the phone. Turning off the television, he lets his eyes give a once over the bed.

DUSTIN: Hey dude.

SHANE (O.S.): What up?

DUSTIN: I think it’s time you get a TV in your own room.