They still haven’t found what they’re looking for
Approximately five percent of visitors to johnaugust.com arrive from Google or one of the other search engines. Thanks to server statistics, I can see exactly what search phrase brought them here.
Some people were clearly ego-surfing: searching for their names as they might appear in comments sections, for instance. But other people, well, I have no idea why they thought this was a site for them. Keep in mind: these are things people actually typed in Google, which led them here.
Here’s a sampling of the best from the top 1000:
- gay girls
- the ride pimper
- blow movie quotes
- vlad girls
- regaining confidence
- things about daniel wallace
- define:motivation
- i expect you to die
- what does i.e. mean?
- teen girls first time
- how much do screenwriters make
- goddamn mongolian
- tasha would
- jodie foster movie deaf
- i am forty times this many t shirt
- what does story plot mean
- bad dialogue, great movies
- rollerblade dance
- depiction of the english in braveheart
- people who hate disgusting chewing gum
- girls gay
- low rider pimper
- what is the different between the firefox and the internet explorer?
- mongolian geisha
- monuments and anthems
- how to write good teen slasher screenplay
- chinese male sex
- this is the sort of english up with which i will not put.
- english words with latin numbers in them
- define:cutty
- persians are not arabs
- twips per page
- do you have the lines to the movie willie wonka the chocolate factory
- jimmy choos
- why does css in internet explorer 5 for mac suck
- willy wonker
- gramatical ruls
- men talking about girls
- worst unsold screenplay
- arabian sexy princes
Articles
June 3rd, 2005 at 9:27 am
John, we all know you’re a very sexy arabian prince, and where else am I going to find teen girls doing it for the first time if not on JohnAugust.com?
June 3rd, 2005 at 9:28 am
john
how embarrassing. mine is number 37: gramatical ruls. perhaps i should have googled: how do you spell rule?, first. so very embarrassing
June 3rd, 2005 at 9:29 am
John, we all know you’re a very sexy arabian prince, and where else is one to find teen gay girls doing it for the first time, if not on JohnAugust.com?
June 3rd, 2005 at 10:02 am
Okay, John, you seem pretty prolific, so here’s my challenge:
One of your next three scripts has to contain all of the lines posted as dialogue.
Rules:
All lines must remain as written, however, capitalization and punctuaition can fluctuate: “define:motivation” can become “Define motivation.”
All lines must be given to only native-English speaking characters: “i am forty times this many t shirt” cannot come from an Indian with a bad Hindi-to-English phrase book.
No quotes or anecdotes: “This is the sort of English up with which i will not put.” cannot be attributed to Churchill.
Good luck. Go.
June 3rd, 2005 at 10:08 am
define:motivation comes from the dictionary in Google… when searching with Google add “define:” to the beginning of a word to search for definitions of that word.
June 3rd, 2005 at 10:41 am
good thing we’ve had all those discussions about gay girls and low riders
June 3rd, 2005 at 10:51 am
Do you think “willy wonker” was a googlewhack?
June 3rd, 2005 at 11:11 am
What’s with the Mongolians? I mean you expect them to come up once in any list, but twice? Freaky.
June 3rd, 2005 at 11:34 am
Good list. I used to be obsessed with the keywords people were using to get to my site. It inspired several very popular bits.
Over 1,000 vistors arrive at my site everyday by typing the word “vagina” into google. Just “vagina.”
June 3rd, 2005 at 11:34 am
Hey WC just check out the archive “Mongolian characters speaking Chinese” John was reprimanded for ‘Charlie’s Angels-Full Throttle’ because the characters spoke Chinese instead of Mongolian in the opening sequence. I think John’s response was one of the best I’ve read: “I think you’re expecting way too much cultural accuracy from a movie which ignores gravity, plausibility and narrative logic with alarming consistency.” Plus he defends the position of screenwriters who are often ‘bullied’ into script changes they don’t find plausible either: “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s – huh? Demi Moore can fly?!” Make sure to check the article out.
June 3rd, 2005 at 11:35 am
Sorry, I was #1, #21, and… #27 (just curious).
June 3rd, 2005 at 12:19 pm
Particularly amusing is “i expect you to die.” What info could they have been look for, I wonder. And how were they directed here?
June 3rd, 2005 at 12:32 pm
Ah, ok, I see the Mongolian angle now.
And for Rob, isn’t the “I expect you to die.” line from a James Bond movie? I can’t remember which, but it’s something like
JB: You expect me to X? (x=I can’t remember.) Villian: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
So maybe that will make up for the “Mongol Mystery”.
June 3rd, 2005 at 12:40 pm
Thanks, WC. That’s right, from Goldfinger.
June 3rd, 2005 at 1:10 pm
I take the blame for #17!
June 3rd, 2005 at 1:54 pm
Yes, I’m so sorry John, but #’s 38 and 10 are mine…
June 3rd, 2005 at 3:06 pm
I got hear direct from the new writer’s search engine called GARGLE (I lied) I found you as a link from another writer’s blog, that is the best way…
June 3rd, 2005 at 3:43 pm
Goddamn Mongolians is mine :)
Well technically a quote from South Park, but I did say that in a post.
That is too funny.
Let’s get some more people here.
“Lesbian Nazi Hookers, who were abducted by aliens and forced into Weightloss programs and the Clinically depressed gay stem-celled rejected midgets addicted to Penis enlarging promotional emails who love them.”
June 3rd, 2005 at 4:33 pm
X = “laugh”
June 3rd, 2005 at 8:16 pm
That’s great, Americo!
Let’s get some more culture in here too. “50 Cent, Celine Dion, Gandhi, Menudo, and Abba set for ‘how to remove warts’ benefit tour.”
June 4th, 2005 at 3:26 am
Pinho: I thought X was “talk”…
Oh, and wikiquote.org says the same…
June 4th, 2005 at 3:38 pm
I love the ‘what does i.e. mean’. For some reason that just makes me laugh.
June 5th, 2005 at 10:26 am
The best thing is of course that the more we comment on those search strings, the more valid your site will seem to google when searching for them.
So either you should just surrender and post some appropriate images — OR better still: let everything remain the same, and let those perverted people learn a few things about screenwriting while they’re here.
Might this mean we’ll be getting porn flicks with better dialog in the future?
June 5th, 2005 at 1:19 pm
What DOES i.e. mean? I know how to use it, but I’ve never beent old what it stands for.
June 5th, 2005 at 2:19 pm
i.e. is short for “id est” — “that is” or “that is to say” or “in other words”
e.g. is short for “exempli gratia ” — “for an example” or “for instance”
http://www.getitwriteonline.com/archive/061801.htm
June 5th, 2005 at 3:55 pm
“why does css in internet explorer 5 for mac suck”
My geeky favourite. I guess it’s a question for the ages.
June 5th, 2005 at 7:02 pm
“bad dialogue, great movies”
Ouch.
June 6th, 2005 at 2:43 pm
The girls and gay searches were probably all keying off of this article: http://johnaugust.com/archives/2005/teenage-girls-and-gay-men And since I commented over there too, I assume that’s where “Vlad girls” came from. But I haven’t a clue what they might actually have been looking for.
June 9th, 2005 at 3:00 pm
Goldfinger ties Bond to a table, spread-eagle. Goldfinger ignites a large laser that strikes and burns the tables between Bond’s feet. The laser slowly begins to travel upward.
Bond So, what do you expect me to do now?
Goldfinger I expect you to die Mr. Bond.
June 9th, 2005 at 5:35 pm
“worst unsold screenplay”
How fascinating. Why is somebody looking for it? I mean, teens, jep, I get the point, mongolians, maybe, why not, but the worst unsold screenplay?
June 9th, 2005 at 11:23 pm
Server statistics are possibly the most hilarious thing on the internet. I once chased down a lead when my #1 search term was ’socks.’ Eventually I traced it to an old still I have from a short film I did where the character’s relaxing in a chair, his feet – and socks – occupying most of the frame. Apparently it was coming up on Google Image Search a lot.
But the best part of the story comes when I find out that a great deal of the traffic to my website was coming from a strange forum. I followed it up and it turned out to be a foot fetish site! After spending a great deal of time tracking down the post, I zeroed in on a thread where foot fetishists posted ‘hot’ pictures of their shoes. The picture from my site was not the socks picture as I had suspected, but a picture I took of a famous tree full of shoes on a family vacation, with MY MOM hanging her shoe on the shoe tree. These shoe fetishists were getting their jollies looking at my mom hang shoes!
After I laughed out loud for ten minutes I realized it was a bit creepy and hotlink-protected my images.
June 10th, 2005 at 5:32 am
Jeb, you got scenario right, but the lines wrong. They were posted correctly above.
Bond (hopeful) Do you expect me to talk?
Goldfinger (laughing) No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!
September 29th, 2005 at 2:57 pm
student loans student loans On swingeing into this government, they apprehended that the other States, not knowing the necessity the i